All language subtitles for S01E02 - Spanish 101.en

Good afternoon,
Greendale community college.

I am your dean with a few corrections
to the fall class catalog.

Cosmology should be cosmetology,

astrology should be astronomy,

and the students on the cover
should be smiling,

but that's a matter of opinion.

Whoever is growing a patch of cannabis
behind the gymnasium,

congratulations.
You have won a cruise.

Report to security
to claim your tickets.

In order to increase
awareness of homelessness,

security has been given binoculars.

In campus news,

the debate over our library's PA system
continues

with some students
suggesting its volume be lowered,

while others
question its very purpose.

More on that story as it unfolds.

- He makes a lot of announcements.
- I like it,

every ten minutes
feel like a new scene of a tv show.

Illusion only lasts until someone says
something they'd never say on tv

like how much their life is like tv.
There, it's gone.

I guess Jeff's running late again.

What a shame.
We should get started...

We should wait for Jeff
before we start studying.

But when Jeff gets here,

we could talk to him
about his tardiness.

Don't use that word around Abed.

If you want me to have a chat with Jeff,
I'd be happy to do it.

We've got a bond going, kind of.
Sorta like brothers.

Hope you didn't take baths together
'cause one of you would've been 30.

That's funny.

Jeff probably comes late
not to sit through your tardiness.

Sorry.

Will you have some self respect?

You're obsessing over someone
who does not give you a second thought.

In Guatemala, journalists are killed
by their own government.

You jumped a column.
What's happening there?

- Nothing.
- Journalists are being murdered?

Believe me, every day in that country,
people are killed for speaking out.

The worst part of it
is when it's over...

- Spoilers.
- It would never even happened.

Real stories...
They don't have spoilers.

You understand that tv and life
are different, right?

- Milady.
- Milord.

- Baby.
- Sweetie.

- You smell nice. Vitamin P.
- Morning, Jeffrey.

People were jazzed to see me too.

- Word 'em up.
- Word 'em everywhere.

- Good entrance.
- That was for you.

There's something
that the group would like to tell you.

Actually, there's nothing...

If you're gonna study with people,
it would be cool to show up on time.

Were you waiting?

- I just got here.
- Cause you usually spend 20 minutes

talking about your personal lives
and your cool emotional problems.

I never have anything to offer.

Truth is my life is emptier
than this three-ring binder.

You have any Spanish notes
that might fit in there?

Double-spaced. Thank you.

What's a guy got to do
to get a C around here?

One-liner.

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Good studying.
See you later. Bye.

You know what today is?

The two-week anniversary
of my horrible first impression.

- There's a card for that?
- Not specifically,

but if you think of grandsons
as a metaphor for friendship,

you'll agree
with this transformer here

that it's time for ours
to become a man.

By reading from the Torah.

You're harmless to me
cause a life full of ups and downs

has given me douche-ray vision,
but those are good people in there,

and they trust and respect you.
Watching you exploit them bums me out.

- Exploit them? They're my friends.
- You want me to bring your car around?

I don't want you
to bring my car around.

I'll bring yours around, good guy.
You get going, all right.

You're cute,

but selfish and narcissistic
to the point of near delusion.

She said I was cute.

Tell you what, you take her.
I have less to prove.

You can't pursue people
so desperately.

It starts to creep them out.

Why don't we go get a beer?
I'll give you some advice,

and we can have what the kids calls
a sausage fest.

I'm not much of a sausage guy.
Maybe next time.

Next time, then.

- Will you tell us more about Guatemala?
- I never went to a real college.

You should discover that stuff
on your own.

But we need your help.

We've been living
on the wrong side of the looking glass.

You're like Jodie Foster
or Susan Sarandon.

- You'd keep it real than be likeable.
- Can you tell us what to google?

You could start
with this journalist Chacata-Panecos.

He wrote an article critical
of the government, and they killed him.

- That's horrible.
- Can we have a protest?

- I want to protest something.
- We could have a candlelight vigil

- like lesbians have on the news.
- I could make brownies.

Brownies?

Every once in a while,
a student come up to me and ask,

"Se�or Chang,
why do you teach Spanish?"

They say it just like that.

"Why do you teach

Spanish?"

"Why you?"

Why not math?

Why not photography?

Why not martial arts?

I mean, surely
it must be in my nature

to instruct you in something

that's ancient and secret

like building a wall
that you can see from outer space.

I'll tell you why I teach Spanish.

It is none of your business, okay?

Now, I don't want to have
any conversations

about what a mysterious
and inscrutable man I am.

I am a Spanish genius!

In espa�ol, my nickname is

"El tigre chino"!

'Cause my knowledge
will bite her face off!

So don't question se�or Chang
or you'll get bit.

Ya bit.

Ya bit!

Friday ma�ana, we'll have conversations
with the rest of the class

using some of the phrases
we learned in unit one.

You'll be partnering up
in pairs of dos.

If you look under your desk,

you'll find a card with either a picture
or a word on it.

For ejemplo, blondie aqui

has a card
with a picture of a house on it.

So that means the person with the card
with the word casa on it is her partner.

Comprende, Star-burns?

See you Friday.
Find your partners. Have a great day.

What do we say
at the end of every class?

Come on, hands...
90% of Spanish.

You want to trade cards?

I'll give you 20 bucks.

- 50 bucks.
- I don't want your money. Your shirt.

- What?
- I've had my eye on it sincefirst day.

- Fine. Give me your card.
- I want to wear it out of here.

What are the odds?

Are you sure
you didn't adjust the odds?

I know Abed's been eyeing that shirt
for three weeks.

It's almost like you gave it to him
so he would switch cards.

I gave Abed my shirt
because I'm not selfish,

which is something you'll discover
while we are working on this.

Tomorrow night?
Dinner, drinks.

I think that's something
we should discuss with our partners.

See, I did switch cards.

Can you believe this?
What are the odds?

That's a nice shirt.
Want to sell it?

What's the moist towelette
industry like?

Believe me,
it's nothing like the product.

It's a hard, dry, large business.

Destroyed all my marriages.

It didn't help I can't have children.
I'm not sterile.

In fact, it's a rare condition
they call "hyper-virility".

Apparently my sperm
shoot through the egg like bullets.

- Can you believe that?
- I can't.

But you can, so that's fine.

The assignment is

to write a Spanish conversation
using those five phrases.

Hemingway's lemonade.

- No need to make it a long evening...
- Am I a piece of garbage to you?

What?

Got ya.

Let's have one drink before we work.

To the "empowerage" of words.

To the irony of that sentence.

So what's up with you, Jeffrey?
Seems like you got a burr up your ass.

I guess that it's...

- It's Britta.
- Forget her.

You just have to know her name.
What is she, a water filter?

She's ugly.

- Why don't we start with me saying...
- What are you doing?

Our assignment.

This is the first time people'll see
Winger and Hawthorne together.

We show them
we're a force to be reckoned with.

Come on,
let's brainstorm some story ideas.

Better yet, before we do that,
let's ask ourselves...

- What is a story?
- My God in heaven.

Like that brownie,
you'll hate what's up on in Guatemala.

Google it.

Raise the truth.

Once it gets dark,

I hand out the candles
and we do a speechless protest.

We put tape over our mouths,

and gather hand-in-hand
in a sea of outraged silence.

- What with you?
- This ain't how you do this.

We know it's not how you do it
cause we're doing everything.

But this is tacky and lame.

I didn't mean that.

I'm sorry.

What I meant to say

is that this cause
is really personal to me.

Are you saying
that we're not allowed to protest?

- You sound like Guatemala.
- Somebody has a case of

"likes to use French politics
to make themselves special,

"but doesn't actually ever want to do
anything-itis."

I do things.

I went to...

I don't do anything.

What can I do?

You hang the Chacata-Panecos pi�ata.

You guys realize
he was beaten to death, right?

That's where we got the idea from.

Poignant.

- Tell me what I've got so far.
- What we have so far?

We have something incredibly long,

and very confusing,
and a little homophobic.

And really, really, specifically,

surprisingly,
and gratuitously critical of Israel.

It's called "two conquistadors",
should probably be "dos".

I mean, it is a Spanish class.

Which reminds me,
the only thing not included in this

are the five phrases required
to get me a passing grade.

You're right.
Needs more work.

- What're you guys doing?
- I have no idea.

- We head to the demonstration.
- Hippies?

- Some cause Britta's into.
- A silent protest. Lots of candles.

Gets the ladies in the mood
for social change.

- A chance to put miles on this shirt.
- Conversations are due in the morning.

Right.

What do you want to do?

Hacks.

What do we do
about the ending of act two?

I tell you what we're gonna do.

We gonna take this, and we gonna put it
in a museum for crazy people.

Then we're gonna take this,

and memorize five phrases from it
tomorrow morning before class.

- Good night.
- Wait a minute.

You're bailing
on our first sausage fest?

This is
your definition of friendship?

This is my definition
of you trying way too hard,

and me finding it harder and harder
to stay polite.

Now this was a fine enough way
to spend an evening devoid of hope,

but a woman I kind of like

is out there
caring about something stupid,

and this is my chance to show her
I care enough to act like I care too.

- That's all you had to say.
- That was it?

That would've been great
if I had done that two hours ago!

Nice sign.

I like what you've done
with the place.

I think
I was a little too harsh on you.

I'm not perfect.

I am.
I'd be happy to show you the ropes.

Awesome!

Look at awesome Jeffrey Winger.

Too awesome for old Pierce

with your hip shirts,

and your gelled hair,

and your cool

tape over your mouth.

Why are you wearing tape
over their mouth?

It's a protest.

Good.

Cause I know
what I'd like to protest...

How much you hurt me.

Conflicts like these will ultimately
bring us together as an unlikely family.

- You have horrible breath right now.
- You constantly blow me off,

you want me to do your homework,

you tell me I'm trying too hard
to be your friend so you have to go.

You have to come out here to pretend

to care about the stupid stuff
she cares about.

- His words, not mine.
- He is paraphrasing.

Pierce, I got an idea.

Get a coffee,

hold some waitress hostage
with a monologue about your sperm.

I'll show you some sperm, buddy.

Was this your idea?
What the hell? Fire.

I'm not ready to die.

He's jumped in the fountain.

He's fine.

- Have you seen it?
- We did it, girl... Page three.

Mostly about Pierce,
but listen to last paragraph.

"The incident occurred during a protest
regarding events in Guatemala."

- Awareness!
- It's not the school paper.

It's a real paper,
there's a marmaduke in there.

It's more than I ever accomplished.

You know
about the ethnic cleansing in Burma?

Need to bust out brownie mix.

Morning.

I get it.
Garfield's wishing me a happy Arbor Day,

- you'd like a fresh start.
- Nice try.

It's secretary's day, and it says
I'm sorry about crashing your protest

with that drunken,
self-immolating baby boomer.

We don't blame you.
He has always been on my watch list.

That dude is crazy...
He told me girls have two pee holes.

I sang Christmas carols
at a nursing home once.

I've seen the face of dementia,
and last night I saw it again.

You know what he did
that's really crazy?

He offered me $100
to switch cards with him

just so he could be
partners with Jeff.

He thought getting closer to Jeff
would bring him respect in the group.

I think he spent his whole life
looking out for himself

and he would trade it all
for a shot at some kind of family.

Time for our presentations.

First up was supposed to be
Jeff and Pierce,

but Pierce explained the situation.

Apparently there was a falling out,
things were said, people were betrayed.

Jeff, having heard
Pierce's side of the story,

the only humane thing to do
would be to give you a C

and let him do his presentation alone,
if that sounds fair to you.

That doesn't sound fair
to me at all.

I understand
if you don't want to be my friend,

but this thing we've created...

It is bigger than the both of us,

and it deserves to be done right.

All right.

Why are there costumes involved?
These are short conversations,

- they're not supposed to take...
- Your breath away?

Well, tough.

You ready, amigo?

F.

F-minus.

What?

Did you say S?

So.

That was one of the worst things
I have ever seen,

which I guess makes being a part of it
a pretty selfless act,

so I'm impressed.

How do you know I didn't do it
just to get another shot at you?

Cause a smart guy like you
would know

no woman would be able to look at you
as a sexually viable candidate

ever again.

No, I know.

I thought of that.

She looked back.

You did an all right job up there,
my friend.

You got this thing you do with your face
when you're trying to be funny

that forces people to think
about how cool you think you are.

{\My name is T-Bone
the disco spider.}

{\head is ice cream,
beer is good}

{\the goat's mustache
is Cameron Diaz.}

It's 2009.

Word.

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