All language subtitles for Fuck.Love.Too.2022.DUTCH.1080p.WEBRip.x264-VXT

Love.

We're all looking for love.

It's one big adventure.

And if you're lucky, you'll find love.
Unless it finds you first.

What do you think
the future looks like for us?

Pretty rosy.

Honestly, I don't really know.

I'm just going with the flow.

I'm living the moment. With you.

SOUTH AFRICA

There, look!

Babe, come here. Look.

Unreal.

This is totally amazing but we can't go on
living like this forever.

Why not?

Because this isn't real life.

Oh, yeah? And why wouldn't you say
this is real life?

It's a perfect life.
The kind of life people dream about.

Okay, just one.

SWITZERLAND

AUSTRALIA

BRAZIL

ENGLAND

FRANCE

ITALY

-Don't you want kids?
-No.

You're enough to make me happy.

Sweet,

but I'm serious.

Don't you want children?

No.

Love.

Who invented it?

Who can claim they know what love is
and when they've found it?

It's said love is simple
but we tend to make it so complicated.

-How are you holding up?
-Hanging in there.

Thank you for getting
all the pictures together.

No worries. She was like my own grandma.

-Hey.
-Thanks for coming.

Here's the slideshow with all the music.

-Thank you.
-Let's see if we can find a laptop.

Take Said.

He found Bo
and she is the love of his life.

He'll stop at nothing to make her happy.
Sometimes he can be a bit much.

And even though she wants to strangle him
sometimes, Bo still loves him.

Seriously, Said?

I'm gonna miss you Omie.
You look so sweet laying there.

Sweetie.

Coming?

Yeah. Have fun in heaven, Omie.

-I sure missed you.
-For Kiki, love is just a game.

The more men you date,
the faster you find Mr. Right.

All three of us single
and ready to mingle.

I'm getting married!

-You are?
-You really announcing this now?

When you find a beautiful woman,
you gotta go all in.

-Or she'll get snapped up.
-Congratulations!

I'm so happy for you.

Why is she here?

Cindy had no problem falling in love
with my husband, now ex husband.

But all I can say is: karma's a bitch.

-Congratulations.
-Thank you.

And who's the daddy?

Um…

God damn it, Jack!
Be a fucking man and step up.

-Who says it's even mine?
-Wow, you really are a prick.

Great. You can have him.

Good luck with that because Jack
has only ever loved one person: himself.

And you all knew about this?

-Sorry.
-You guys deserve each other.

Nice belly.

My sympathies.

Thank you.

I know times like these
can be hard on everyone.

Chin up.

Cow face.

Jack, my ex,
really only loves himself.

How I ever thought
I might find love with him is beyond me.

He has no clue what love is about.

Look!

There's the heart. See it?

-Looks perfectly healthy.
-Amazing.

I've gotta take this call, sweetie.
Hey.

You're not going to let me
deal with this alone, are you?

No, I'm on my way.

If you're not here soon,
I'm leaving.

-Jack?
-I'll be there in a few, yeah.

-Sorry, sweetie. I gotta go to a funeral.
-Why am I only hearing this now?

Crazy, right? One entering the world,
another leaving. It's the circle of life.

I'll call you.

Doctor.

And right when you think
you've had it with love,

it blindsides you
when you least expect it.

-No, that's not it.
-Try that one there.

I'm trying it.

-That might be it.
-Yeah, I'm clicking on it.

We're having trouble opening it
but don't worry, we'll try something else.

Okay.

Yeah, get ready baby.

Yeah. The beast is hungry.

I'm going to eat you all up.

Turn it off, for fuck's sakes!

Welcome.

We're all here today
to share the love we felt for Omie.

We came here as a family,

as friends,
as partners, and acquaintances.

But I can't help but wonder
what some people think they're doing here.

Omie always said,
"Love is something you give freely,

not because you expect
something in return."

She also taught me that most people
in your life are only passing through and…

And we should be grateful to them
for the lessons they'll teach us.

I'll get that.
Must be an urgent call from the afterlife.

Pretend I'm not here.

Go on with your speech.

Thank you, Omie, for all--

Sorry?

I can fix this.

Found it!

Bye.

I can't believe that Omie's actually gone.

Bye, thanks.

She was such a kind, sweet woman.

Bye.

And one of the few people
who actually understood me.

Yeah, she liked you a lot.
God knows why. Bye.

I liked her a lot.

Oh, yeah. Before I forget,
can you pick up your stuff next month?

I'm selling the house.

What? You're seriously
telling me this now?

Yeah. House prices are skyrocketing.

I can get three times
what I'd normally get.

Hey Lies, I heard--

Can you just give me two minutes,
for the love of God?

Yeah, sure.

-I'm sorry for your loss.
-Noah?

What are you doing here?

You didn't really think
I'd miss your grandmother's funeral?

It's so nice of you to come.

-It's been a long time.
-Yeah.

You look amazing.

Wait a minute.
Is this actually Chunky Noah?

Did you have liposuction or something?

-You look fucking edible.
-Thanks. I live a healthier lifestyle now.

And what are you up to these days?

I own a couple villas in Ibiza.
I rent them out.

Yeah, Ibiza.
I want my bachelorette party there.

I'm getting married, see?

Well, feel free to come anytime.
I've got plenty of room.

That sounds awesome
but the timing's a bit off right now.

Guys, we're going to Ibiza!

-Go on and play outside, kids.
-That was a nice service.

You did a great job for Lisa.
Maybe think of a career switch?

-You said you deleted that video.
-I know, but…

I was never going to show it to anyone.
Those stupid USB keys all look the same.

Hand it over here.

I think I must have left it
at the funeral parlor.

Hey, babe, don't worry.
I'll get it, alright?

And then we'll delete
the video together, right?

Listen, babe, listen. I know you're upset,
huh? And I get it, you're mad.

But, let me just fix this
and we'll talk later. It's not--

No, Said.

I think it's best if we went our own ways.

FOR SALE

The house is in amazing shape.
I just did renovations on it two years ago

so you can put it on the market tomorrow.

INCOMING CALL
JIM

Was I not clear with you?

I just want to know
how you're holding up.

-How was the service?
-Very nice.

-You could have been there, though.
-Lies,

I miss you.

-You should have thought of that before.
-It's vacant so it's move-in ready.

Great.
Right now, I have three…

-Sorry, I gotta go.
-Fantastic.

I'll just leave the keys with you then
so you can show the house whenever.

-Sound good to you?
-That's perfect, yeah.

Jack. What is this?

What do you mean? We talked about this.
We're selling the house.

-I never agreed to any of that.
-Look, I'm selling the house, Lisa.

And you've got about two weeks
to get all your stuff out of here.

You're forgetting this is my house too.

And I suggest you leave
before I call my lawyer.

-You mean my lawyer, right?
-Bye, Jack.

-See what I mean?
-Yeah.

That's the reason we broke up.
She can be incredibly selfish.

Hey baby,
it's time for mommy to soap you up.

What the fuck are you doing here?

What am I doing here?
I live here, you ass.

Why do you want to soap me up?

-I thought you were Jack.
-Jack has light skin!

Okay, could you
just cover that up, please?

Shit, sorry babe. I forgot to tell you
that Said is staying with us for a while.

Forgot, Jack?
How the fuck did you forget that?

Okay, listen to me.
Both of you get out. Now!

-Come on, Said.
-Excuse me.

Don't worry, babe.

It's not like I've never helped you out.

Stop gawking. It's nothing
you haven't seen before.

Lift with your ass, Lies. Bend and thrust.

-What have you got in here, granite?
-No, pumps, makeup, pleasure pal.

What?

Vibrator.

You seriously brought a vibrator
to your bachelorette party?

Yeah, I need to stay in shape, don't I?

It's not a service
I can ask some island guy to perform.

-What do we owe you?
-Three hundred and twenty euros. Cash.

-Three hundred?
-And twenty, yes.

No, that can't be right.

Guys, 300?

He's asking 300
for the quick lift he gave us?

It can't be more than 50 euros,
you're trying to rob us.

Are you calling me a thief?
Just give me my fucking money.

I'll give you your money, but 50 euros,
nothing more. Otherwise I call the cops.

-I'm not here to lose my fucking time.
-How about I kick you in the nuts instead?

Come on. What the fuck
are you talking about? Now you kick me--

-Take that, you little prick.
-Coño.

Coño. Fucking Dutch people,
every time the same bullshit.

No, shit.
My stuff is still in the back of the car.

Don't worry about it, okay, honey?
You need a new wardrobe.

We're in Ibiza, not a convent.

On the island for two minutes
and they're already causing trouble.

All my stuff was in that taxi.

I offered to pick you up at the airport,
but you turned me down.

-But I'm here.
-With no luggage.

Come. I'll show you around.

Oh, yeah.

Welcome. You can leave your bags here.

First bedroom's right here.
Bathroom is over there.

Here's the patio.

-And this way is the kitchen.
-Unreal.

Now, in here…

You can open this up if you want.

Wow, this is so awesome.
I'm totally speechless.

And,

this is self explanatory.

Are you sure this is no trouble?
I mean, it's too much.

Just sit back and relax.
Looks like you need it.

Noah, if I knew about this earlier,
I would have come by every summer.

If you're still single,
I might just dump Johnnie's ass.

-I'd keep Johnnie for now if I were you.
-Oh, so you are seeing someone?

-I didn't say that.
-Oh, mysterious. I like that.

By the way,
I know a girl who is very single.

-That one there in the white top.
-Kiek.

I'm headed right over there…

I have to deal
with some stuff at the club.

Hey, just make yourselves
at home, okay?

I've been searching for this place.

-Call me if you need anything.
-Yeah.

I definitely will.

This place
is seriously incredible.

-Oh, my God, guys.
-Unbelievable.

-If you don't nail this guy, I will.
-Why should he be any different?

He really seems
like the whole package, Lies.

This is the last time all of us
will be single, so let's have fun, ladies.

What are you talking about?
You're not single.

Let's just pretend I am for now.

-Okay, cheers.
-Cheers.

Cheers.

Come on, let's take a picture.

This side. This is my good side.

Yeah, I can see that.

Okay. Are we ready?

Ibiza!

-You really need that?
-Yeah, I really do.

I'm still looking for a good breast pump.
I really want to breastfeed.

And you need a device for that?

Yeah, it'll be useful when I'm working
and you feed the baby at night.

And we should start looking for a house.
I'll move in with you.

-Isn't it a bit soon?
-Soon? We've been going fast so far.

Well if you'd remembered to take your pill
we wouldn't even be here right now.

Besides, you made the choice to keep it
without even asking me how I felt.

-So are you telling me I'm on my own then?
-I didn't say that.

But is it even my kid?

You are such a fucking prick sometimes.

Get away from me.

Yeah, are you seeing it?

-Pardon?
-It's a pretty sweet view.

Oh yeah, a nice cold beer and that view,
doesn't get much better than that.

But listen, there might be an opening
right here for you.

-Hello?
-Yeah?

I'm laying spread-eagled over here.

Hey, listen buddy.
I've gotta get back to you later, alright?

Yeah?

Say hi for me. He's a nutjob.
I gotta go. Sorry. Yeah. Bye.

Sorry.

This isn't happening.

-Oh. Felt a kick there.
-You gonna work it out with Said?

I don't know anymore. Do I keep accepting
all the stupid things he does?

He's staying with us.

How's that working?

It's alright, I just hope
it's not going to go on forever.

I just want my privacy back.

Hey.

So, I see you're lying back,
taking it easy.

That's not funny, Jack.

Okay, now guys,
everything looks great up there and I…

Would

you like to maybe have a picture?

-Yeah.
-Yeah?

-Why not?
-Right, sure.

Kiki, how do you wear this? It feels like
my boobs are about to fall out.

-Nice, right? Free the nipples.
-I said you could borrow one of mine.

Yeah, and look like a retired librarian?
I think not.

Why don't you get us a round of drinks
from Rico Suave over there? Hop!

I can't believe
you're really going to settle down.

Hi. I would like two mojitos and--

It's okay, I speak English.

-Is my Spanish really that bad?
-Your accent's a little strong.

Oh.

So, two mojitos and a screaming orgasm.

Sorry?

It's the name of the drink.
I think you'll like it.

Oh.

Well, in that case,
I'll have those two mojitos

and a screaming orgasm.

And whose name should I put on the check?

-Angela.
-Javier.

So, two mojitos
and a screaming orgasm for Angela.

Coming up.

Ooh! Look who just got here.

-Fuck. Do I look alright?
-Yeah, stop fidgeting.

Ladies, having a good time?

Yeah. Thanks again for this.

-The place is great.
-The view's amazing.

Great dress.

Yeah, it's not really my style.
It's Kiki's.

Looks great on you, though.

You feel like dancing?

And since when do you dance?
You used to have a stick up your ass.

Okay, now I'm officially offended.

-Don't be. Just prove me wrong.
-Okay.

-See you later.
-Have fun.

Don't mind me.
My wild days are all in the past now.

Camarero. Double whisky over here.

Make it quick.
Pronto. And leave the bottle.

Did you know
I used to be madly in love with you?

What?

Funny, I was madly in love
with you as well.

I was always kind of skulking around,
hoping that we could chat.

So that's why I kept running into you.

-Why didn't you ever tell me?
-I wanted to I just never found the words.

Well, you're doing pretty good
right now, aren't you?

Lisa!

Are you okay?

It's just I lost all my cards.

What a nice surprise.

Smell that? It's got to be five days
since he's had a shower.

Come on.

He just sits there all day long.

Hello?

-Is that my bathrobe?
-Hey, babe. He didn't have anything else.

-I'll buy you a new one.
-Jack, I'm with child.

-I want my privacy back.
-What do you want me to do about it?

Want me to throw him out?

Do you know how many times
Bo has thrown him out?

-Three times, maybe.
-Yeah, within six months.

Because he's a colossal fuck up.

Showing his sex tape at a funeral.
Come on, that could've happened to anyone.

-I want him out by the end of the week.
-Okay.

Okay. I'll figure something out.

Hey.

Asshole.

-Hi.
-What are you doing?

Eleven years we've been married
and now she's done with me.

Listen, Bo is not done with you.

I'm not so sure. She's not returning
my phone calls or any of my messages.

Do something nice for her.

Surprise her.
Women love that kind of thing.

Yeah, but what?

Be a man.

But take a shower first.
You smell like a hot day at the zoo.

Looks good on you.

Keep it as a souvenir.

I feel so stupid.

That kind of thing always happens to me.

Yeah, you really haven't changed much.

-And you just jumped right in after me.
-I didn't know if you could swim.

I'd do it again, too.

-Move, I wanna stand here.
-This way, just a little bit.

-What are you doing?
-I stand here, right?

Can't you read? You need to stand there.

-But I want to stand here.
-Go stand there!

-Man, I hate this. I'm going home.
-Where are you going? Souf, come here!

Boom!

-Huh?
-Ferry.

Don't tell me you really like this shit.

-Handsome Max?
-Yeah.

That sounds like it comes straight out
of a bad episode of Miami Vice.

Yeah, but I'm telling you,
the kids love him.

And, as a good agent,
I want you to reel him in.

He's got no talent
and I'm betting he's got a massive ego.

Um…

That guy with no talent,
he's got 40 million YouTube views.

Yeah, and I'm guessing
he bought half of them.

So that's how you do business around here?

My followers add up to more
than all of your artists combined.

Wait a minute.

I have no idea who you are.
And I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Hey, I don't need you guys.
So why should I consider signing with you?

Ever play sold-out venues?

I didn't think so.

Give me one month.

And then see where you're at.

Okay. One month.

But not a day longer.

Well, yeah.
I feel like we got something going here.

What is that?

Hey.

Isn't that your husband?

-Yeah, that's him.
-Isn't your anniversary only next week?

Yeah.

Heavy.

WHORE

So, trollops. Was it good?

Kiek, quiet.

You two prissies are out getting laid
while I waste away here going at the dogs.

From now on,
we'll make it all about you. Fair enough?

We'll make sure this day is amazing.

It felt good
to finally get bounced around like that.

See, it's totally possible
to have fun with us too.

Yeah, just us girls like in the old days,
having some fun. Hey!

-Isn't that Javier over there?
-Oh, yeah.

Look how sweet that is.
He's hanging out with his ma.

Yeah, he looks kinda busy. Come on,
let me get the next round of drinks.

Yeah, hang on. Wait a sec. Look at that.
You see? Good men still exist.

Oh, that is so incredibly cute.

Ahh.

-What the fuck?
-Yeah, I gotta tell you something.

Javier is kind of…

-You know what I mean.
-No, what?

-Javier is paid for sex.
-What?

-A gigolo?
-Male escort, to be precise.

-Kiki, that's illegal.
-I did it for Angela, what?

She hasn't gotten laid in years.
That's not good for you.

Oh, my God, what if he gave me
an STD or something?

Don't worry about that. Was the sex good?
Because I fucking paid enough for it.

Can you do me a favor
and shut the fuck up for once?

-Oh, sorry.
-No, you saw it first.

-Okay, thank you.
-No problem.

Thank you.

So, when are you due?

Not for another few weeks
but I'm totally over it.

I can't wait to order my favorite sushi
and just drink an entire bottle of wine.

-And how about sleeping on your stomach?
-Oh, heaven!

You gotta be shitting me?
1,200 euros for a baby carriage?

Jack, this is the Rolls Royce
of baby carriages, my friend.

Look. Leather. It can fold in three
different ways. A cup holder here.

-You can even jog with it.
-Whatever happened to your balls?

-Have you found a baby carriage yet?
-No, we're still looking.

Come on, I'm serious.
You can put a ton of miles on this baby.

It'll last you for at least…

-Shit!
-What are you doing?

Come here.

This is a baby store,
what the fuck is your problem?

Listen. I'm going to tell you something,
but you can't tell anyone, alright?

-Swear.
-Yeah, okay. I swear.

Okay. See that woman speaking to Cindy?

Yeah.

She's pregnant too.

Yeah, we're in a baby store.
There might be pregnant women around.

Just listen, okay?
I'm kind of, sort of, the father.

I think I prefer the ones…

How the fuck do you keep doing this, Jack?
Haven't you heard of a condom?

Look, don't judge me, alright? I never say
a thing about you and your wife.

-Are you going to help me or what?
-No, Jack.

If Bo hears
I had anything to do with this,

I can kiss what's my marriage goodbye.

If it wasn't for me
you'd be sleeping under a bridge.

-Your love life is bad luck.
-Are you going to help me?

Huh?

Yeah, okay. What do you want me to do?

-Shall we?
-Okay.

-Oh, Said.
-Ooh!

-My brother-in-law.
-Yes.

-You're both pregnant.
-Yes.

With babies in your bellies.

And they're gonna need to sleep.
Hence the sleeping bag.

-Where is--
-Your husband?

He's on the phone in his car.

Well, let's give him a call then. Huh?

Fuck.

He forgot his phone there.

Oh.

Ooh. He's pushing on my bladder.

I really need to find a bathroom
before I have another accident.

Fun being pregnant, huh?

Oh, yeah. Nice to meet you.
Good luck with everything. Bye.

-Hey. See this?
-Nice.

A bit expensive though.

Anything for the kid. You want this too?

-Sleeping bag. See?
-Nice.

Hmm?

Thanks. Where was it?

And then, when you're all better,
you can come see us perform at the studio.

-Yeah?
-Of course.

-Will you let me beatbox?
-Nah.

-Of course you can beatbox.
-Yes!

But on one condition.
I get to rap along with you.

-Okay.
-I'll start on the lyrics tomorrow.

Okay.

-Good!
-Oh, man, you're a natural.

-What do you think about the new artist?
-Super talent.

-Oh, yeah.
-I could sign you now.

-You hear that?
-Thanks.

You have my number,
call me any time. I'll see you soon.

-Alright.
-Get better little angel.

Thanks.

Hey! Stop that, asshole.

Not here. Come on, man.

There's kids here.

This guy's following me everywhere.
I draw the line when they show up here.

Some artists do this for attention.

It looks good for their followers.

This is worth more
than a couple of likes and a few views.

I agree with you there.

Got something for you.

-Oh, yeah?
-I can't show it to you here.

-Wanna see?
-Yeah.

-Bye.
-Bye.

Bye, angel.

Tadaa!

Holy shit.

How the hell did you manage to do that?

I told you I was good, didn't I?

And I do have a nice product.
Just gotta work on how to sell him.

The Super Dome?
That's like way more than I could have…

It's excellent.

Judging by how you're trending,
you'll sell it out three times.

-Three?
-Yep.

This never would have been possible
without you, you know?

My job's all about helping you make it.

You're doing a great job.

What are you doing?

I'm married, alright?

How's it going?

In the instructions,
it says it should take half an hour

but I've been at it forever. Here.

-Can you give it a try?
-I'll do it tomorrow, okay?

It'd be good if the baby's room
is done before he's actually born.

Know what else would've been good?
If we'd hired someone else to do all this,

then we'd be done already
and be able to do other things.

But this is good.
We need to do things together.

-Team building, it's fun.
-I've got a very different idea of fun.

-Coming tomorrow?
-Where?

-To prenatal class.
-And spend the day huffing and puffing?

-Tell me how to huff and puff later.
-This is also your baby.

Yeah, it's my baby too, honey. I know.
Can we just change the subject, please?

All day, it's been "baby this, baby that."
I'm over it. Babied out.

-Oh, I'm sorry. Is this hard for you?
-God.

I guess all of your hormones
are screwed up too.

I can't deal with this shit right now.

-Running away again?
-Yeah, have fun with the cabinet.

This baby is gonna cost me a fortune.

Twelve hundred fucking euros
for a fucking baby carriage.

-That's insane, right?
-Yep. And you'll have to double it.

What's the matter?
You on your period or something?

You got two women pregnant, man.
How could you do that?

I don't know.

Don't give me that, Jack.
All this shit's gotta stop now.

-You gotta come clean.
-I know. I just need some time.

Time? You're gonna have
two babies to support soon.

How you gonna do that, huh?
Like your father?

-I'm not my father.
-Well, you're starting to act like him.

You should be less concerned about me
and worry about your own relationship.

-Yeah. But at least I'm working on that.
-Yeah. You're really working hard. Look.

NEW LOVE FOR HANDSOME MAX?

-What's this?
-What the fuck do you think? It's Bo.

Is that real?

Yeah.

A fortune-teller.
I've always wanted to try this.

Save your money. I can see your future:
you'll have three screaming children,

who deprive you of sleep,
and a man who lays in bed all day

with your neighbor.

I don't know, I'm curious.

Hello?

Lisa.

Your future looks beautiful.

But there's a storm coming.

-How do you know my name?
-Come, child.

This is just one of the many mysteries

that are going
to be revealed to you today.

Okay.

That's freaky.

Tell me.

Your aura tells me

that your heart and mind

are not in harmony.

You are at the crossroad…

where the past
and the present are about to meet.

I just don't know what to do.
I think I'm in love,

but I don't know with who
and I cannot choose.

You have to choose the path
that leads to a new life.

But remember.

In search for gold,

you could lose a diamond.

The cards…

have spoken.

Two hundred euros, please.

I only have 100, I think.

It's okay. I accept all cards.

This Noah is 100 times better
than that slob of a loser Jim.

Seriously, that guy's not for you.

I'm just so glad you're over him.
I could barely stand looking at him.

Makes me sick
how he sailed around the world

and when he's done with you
he throws you overboard.

Like dumping garbage.

Just the mention of his name, Jim,
makes me wanna puke.

God, barf. What?

-Hey, Jim.
-Hi.

-How long has he been here?
-Long enough.

What are you doing here?

Could we maybe talk somewhere in private?

We don't have to do that.
Whatever you have to say, say it here.

Um, okay.

Lies, I was wrong.
I never should have let you go.

You are the love of my life.

And I came here to ask you
to give me another chance.

You think you can just come here
and spring this on me at Kiki's party?

You had your chance.

Lies, I'm sorry.

It's too late, Jim.

Hey Cindy, you okay?

When the baby is born,
he'll come around. You'll see.

With some guys it takes a bit more time,
but it'll be just fine.

I hope so.

Have you heard from Bo yet?

She's a little busy with her new boy toy.

What?

-Bo's got a guy.
-No.

NEW LOVE FOR HANDSOME MAX?

Maybe it's been photoshopped.
You know how those tabloids are.

Hey, I appreciate you trying to come up
with a possible explanation

but, come on,
it's obvious what's going on here.

So, you're giving up?

What can I do?

Fight?

For both of you, for the kids and for her.

Okay.

Have you given any thought
about couple's therapy?

Spilling your guts
in front of a perfect stranger?

I don't know about that.

What are you doing?

Here. Now you can't back out.

LET'S DO THERAPY

Nope.

Yes. Stop, please.

-Hola.
-Thank you. Would you maybe be able to--

Wait. I know you. No.

Yes. No, wait.

-No.
-Please, wait!

Fuck!

CALLING JIM

Call for a limousine, madam?

I think I'll just walk.
I already regret calling you now.

All good.

No, Jim. Wait!

No, Jim!

Kidding. Hop in.

He asked me
if I wanted to do couples counselling.

Surprising.

Yeah, I thought so too.

I've been asking him for years
and he never would agree to it.

-You gonna go?
-I don't know.

Maybe.

The kids miss him too.

Too?

-Want to see the baby's room?
-Yeah.

Come.

Here it is.

-Hi, honey.
-Hey.

I hope you don't mind.
I know you wanted to do this yourself.

It's just perfect.

Well, I just wanted to help you.
Hopefully you can rest now.

That's great.

Nice of you to help.

I'll just leave you two alone.

-Noon on Friday for the therapist.
-Yeah?

-I'll be there.
-Okay.

Door.

You missed a spot there.

Shit!

So…

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

That was really nice.

Yeah.

I missed you.

And I also missed us.

Alright, let's just go slow, okay?

Go slow?

Yeah. Going slow is just fine.

Fabulous. She's banging the gypsy
and Mr. wonderful and I'm a fucking nun.

You're engaged to Johnnie,
remember that Kiek?

-Okay, that's not the point.
-Hey.

-Hi.
-Hi.

Come on.

What?

Hey.

What's all this about?

A little surprise.

For the prettiest girl on the island.

You shouldn't have.

I'm so happy to have you back in my life.

I never would've thought I'd fall in love
with someone I met in first grade.

I…

And how do you see your relationship?

I bend over backwards to show her
I can change, and want to change.

And what do I get in return? I find out
she hooked up with some dime-store rapper.

That's not true at all.
I'm working for this man.

Oh, work? So you were hydrating
his vocal chords with your tongue?

He kissed me, Said. And I immediately
pulled away and told him I was married.

-So you're not dating him, then?
-No, I'm not dating him. Are you serious?

Why would I be here if I was?

Nice, good.
This is a promising start.

And Said?

-You want her to see you as a man?
-Yeah.

What could you do to make her feel better
about your manhood?

Um…

Maybe take initiative more?

Without her having to ask me.

Yeah.

And maybe I could
help around the house a bit more?

That would be great.

And maybe help more with the kids?

-Yeah.
-Initiating great sex?

No.

-You just said I should take initiative.
-Oh, come on, Said. Not that stuff.

You could surprise me
with something for us.

Did you just hear what Bo said?

It might be a good idea
for you to jot down a few notes.

Nah, I got this.

Surprises.

Yeah.

No big deal.

How'd things go with the therapist?

-It do any good?
-She said I have to take the initiative.

And Bo wants me to surprise her,
but not with flowers or anything.

-You could send a dick pic to her.
-Are you nuts? What am I, 15?

Ah, Jack, fuck off, man!
Keep that anaconda to yourself.

Come on. Don't act
like you've never seen it, huh?

Be honest, you're impressed.

If you ever send me another picture
of your fucking dick, I'll kick your ass.

Listen, you trust me?

-You trust me?
-Yeah.

Send her a dick pic.

Women love that shit.

Don't use flash.

-What are you, an amateur?
-Fucking right.

Trust me, no flash. You'll see
things you never knew were there.

Learn something new everyday.

Get him?

-Huh?
-Yeah, I think so.

Okay.

Let's see.

-Let me see.
-Hang on.

-Yeah.
-Is it good?

Yeah.

No, I'm not touching that hand. Nah.

EMAIL SENT TO THERAPIST

No! Son of a bitch!
I just sent it to our therapist. Shit.

What? How the hell did you do that?

Her name is Bodet
and it was the first name that came up.

You can unsend that text
before anyone sees it. Hurry up.

-It was an email.
-Why email it?

Who emails a dick pic, man?
Seriously, what is this? 2010?

Fuck, I'm an idiot.

Okay look, we gotta hack into her email.

Oh, okay. What the fuck do you think I am,
some kind of Black Bond?

No, all we have to do
is get to her laptop and we can delete it.

-How are we gonna do that?
-These days, everything's in the cloud.

-But we gotta get into her house.
-So what, we just break in, man?

No.

Listen, I'm just trying to help you out.

But it is a picture of your schlong
that's in your therapist's inbox

and Bo'd love that.

He came back and saw me with Noah,
so everything's screwed up.

I bet he'll understand
if you explain it all.

-Did you talk to Javier?
-Oh.

You mean Deuce Bigalow Old Lady Gigolo?

No. It's pretty clear
what that guy is all about.

-God, this place sucks.
-Yeah.

Hola, bitches.

The day is young, the men are horny,
and I wanna party and get fucked. Yeah!

Wait. Sir. Do you have--

The Susku Duck.

Ooh.

Kiki.

Yeah!

Gimme some.

-Come on!
-Thanks!

Oh, my God!

Yeah.

Hey.

Angela,

-It's not what you think.
-No?

It's exactly what I think.

Doing all the women
on the island for money.

Disgusting.

Okay.

Okay, you're right.
I admit it. I'm an escort.

-But I only do it to keep my bar.
-Shit. Please. Spare me your bullshit.

It's money problems.
And not just small ones.

This is the only way to pay off my debts.

But it was different with you.

With you, I felt things I never…

I never felt before.

With you, it's real.

And don't tell me
you didn't feel a connection?

I can't deal with this shit right now.

Hey, MacGyver.

Yeah.

-Is it open?
-How do I do this without a lookout?

-Now get out there but do it quietly.
-Yes, sir!

Shit!

Yep.

Fuck!

-…my pleasure.
-Your pleasure, I thought you knew that.

Oh, you're funny.
You know that, don't you?

I'd like to go inside if that's in order.

-Fuck.
-Sounds good to me.

Shit!

Come here, you.

Meet me upstairs.

Good evening, sir.

-Good evening.
-What are you doing here?

I'm looking to buy a house around here.

Why? Is that illegal, officer?

-No, but this house isn't for sale.
-No, not this one.

I saw "For Sale" signs down the street,
so I figured I'd check out this one

since the housing market is extremely hot
so I thought I'd check this one out.

We just got an eye-witness report,
they saw someone climbing in the window.

-Okay.
-And he was a Black guy, Pete?

Wow, did you really just say that?
You just called me a black-eyed pea?

Sir, my partner's name is Pete
and we're just looking for a suspect.

Okay, so you just arrest the first
dark-skinned man you can find, is that it?

No, that's not at all what I meant.

Well, I'm the only one here.
So obviously you must mean me.

-You are the only one here Sir, yeah.
-This is ethnic profiling, officer.

Stay right here, Sir.
My partner is going to look inside.

Then you'll be free to go.

What's your name?

Mike.

Yes.

-Hey, honey.
-Hey.

-Can I call you back in a few minutes?
-I don't know why I even called you.

Well, maybe I do know why…

It's our anniversary.
I know. I didn't forget.

We should be celebrating together, huh?

Yeah, I just want things to go back
to the way they were before.

I know you're here, asshole.

-I'm armed and I just called the police.
-Shit!

-Bo, I can explain all this.
-You're unreal.

-I had to have emergency therapy.
-Bye, Said.

Said?

-What are you doing here?
-Hey, we apologize for the inconvenience.

No, it's okay.
I know you're just doing your job.

-Right, officer?
-My name's Merel.

-Hey, stop! Police!
-What the hell's the matter with you?

Can't blame a guy for trying.

-Jack?
-This is your last warning!

-Stop or you will be tased.
-Okay. I'm not moving.

Okay, calm down. Hey. Um…

I…

I know the owners of this house.
I swear I do. Just let me explain.

I sent a dick pic to the woman inside

because I listened
to my dumb friend Jack as usual.

So if you're gonna use that taser,
use it on Jack.

Bottle of vodka and some glasses.

Somebody die?
It's a party. You can smile a bit.

Angela won't speak to me anymore.

Big deal. Why do you give a shit?

Oh, you actually like her.

Here. Drink up.

It'll make you feel better.

Hey. Where is everyone?

Lisa?

Hey, taxi!

Hello.

Yeah. Taxi, here. No.

Hey, who's that?

-So I told her I was gonna--
-Hello.

Can I get a ride home?

So, what kind of ride
are you looking for, baby?

Well, not that kinda ride.

Hey, bitch. This is my area. Fuck off.

-Let's go, ma'am.
-Hey!

You're under arrest for solicitation.

Back already?

Have a good time?

Well…

If you call being sandwiched between
three sweaty guys in thongs fun, then uh…

Oh, sounds like it went well.

Hey, I…

I've been thinking for a while
about leaving what I have here.

And uh…

This just feels so good.

I'm ready to move back to the Netherlands
and build a life with you.

Noah.

You're a real sweetheart,
but I can't do this.

I'm still in love with my ex.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

-Oh, no. Not again.
-Wild night, huh?

Great, I've added a gigolo to my list now.

Huh?

Wait a sec…

Don't worry. You were so drunk
nothing could've happened.

Thank God. It would have been
the biggest mistake I ever made.

Thanks for that.

I've such a headache.

I've got some aspirin back in my van.

Do you? I'll take them all.

I'd let her arrest me any day.

I think she kinda liked me too.

Look at this,
I got a nice little souvenir.

Huh?

Hmm?

This is one big joke to you, isn't it?

What's up with you? Christ, you sound like
you just spent ten years in the can.

-This is a funny story to tell at the bar.
-This is a funny story to you?

I could lose Bo
because of all this fucking shit.

Why are you mad at me?
I was just trying to help you out.

By getting me to send a dick pic
like I'm some kind of horny teenager.

Yeah, but not to your therapist.

-Know what your problem is, Jack?
-No.

-You're bad news.
-You're pushing it.

No, I'm not.

Every time I listen to you,
I fuck up my life a little more.

And you know wanna know why?
Because Jack only cares about Jack.

Yeah, you've got Cindy,
but that won't last long now, will it?

I'm not gonna end up like you.

As soon as we get outta here,
I want nothing to do with you.

Hey. Come on, Said. Hey.

Hey. Morning.

Hey.

That ex of yours sure is one lucky guy.

I'll get it.

-Buenos días?
-Buenos días.

This lady claims she is staying here.

Is that correct?

Yes. She's one of my guests.
Could you tell me what happened?

In the future,
take better care of your guests.

Thank you.

Hi.

Lisa.

-Lisa. Oh, God.
-What happened to you?

I got arrested and put in jail.
They all thought I was a prostitute.

Just because I was trying to get a cab
and they threw me on the hood of a cop car

and put me in handcuffs
and shoved me in a disgusting jail cell

with all of these criminals
and cockroaches all around me.

-I think I'm traumatized for life.
-Oh, sweetie.

You don't deserve that.

Kiki wanted to have a good time.

Well, this sure as hell is the most
memorable bachelorette I've ever been to.

Where is Kiki at?
I thought she was with you.

-Kiki didn't go home with you?
-No.

-Agua?
-Thanks.

-I can't get married like this.
-Oh? I kinda like that dress, though.

Not the dress. I just don't know
if I'm ready to get married.

Oh, yeah. That is a problem.

I really do love Johnnie, but I don't know
if this is what I really want.

-Great, you think I'm out of my mind.
-No. I don't.

I know exactly where you're coming from.

If you ever find someone who can make

this brutal existence
we live in any better,

you hang on to that person.

-I just don't want to get married.
-Then why not just tell him that?

For yourself, and for Johnnie.

-So, be honest, then?
-Yeah.

I guess that's the best idea.

You're not that bad, you know?

You know, say what you want,
but it was a surprise.

-This is not normal, Said.
-You said to show some initiative, right?

Well, the intention was good,
the idea could have been better.

But I did do what you asked.

Babe, hey.
At least I didn't send it to your mother.

I've seen plenty of deranged situations
in my career but this one takes the cake.

I think you're beyond my help.

Well, at least we tried.

No, Bo, wait! Look,
I know I've totally screwed up lately

but in the past few days,
I know what I don't want,

I don't want to be like Jack.

I don't want to wake up every morning
and wonder where or who I'm with.

I want to wake up every day
with my wife and kids.

I don't know, Said.

Sweetie, I know I screw up,
but I'm trying to do good.

Tell me what to do, and I'll do it.

Maybe we could just try
eating together once a week.

With the kids. And see how that goes.

I won't let you down.

Yeah.

And exhale.

Concentrate on your breath and exhale.

-Feel the light energy of your baby.
-Cind.

-Jack. Come here.
-Okay.

-What happened?
-Nothing, just a little misunderstanding.

-You should see the other guy.
-No, it's okay.

-How's this little one doing?
-Good now that you're here.

Okay, what do I do?

-Okay, listen.
-Okay.

Ooh. This is my husband, Jack.

Oh.

So, this is your husband. Jack.

-This is Monica.
-Nice to meet you.

-Yeah.
-I gotta stand up now.

Hey, help Monica for a bit.

She's all alone here,

-Jack?
-Listen--

Ah. No shoes.

And in, breathe. And now I want you
to imagine that your baby is coming.

So breathe, good.

I can explain everything, okay?

Don't touch me,
you filthy fucking asshole!

Good job!

You're a goddess.

You're all goddesses. Just remember that.

I hate men!

It's all hormones, right?

Yeah.

-Jack?
-Okay. Yeah?

Hey, can you just…

-Yeah, a little massage.
-Here?

Yeah.

-How did you like the class?
-It was great.

-More than just huffing and puffing.
-I told you so.

-There's another session next week.
-Good, I'll be there.

Here, let me help Monica
with her things, okay?

It's sad she has to do it alone, right?

-Yeah, sure. Nice.
-Yeah.

Give me a second to explain.

You really are a monster.

Hey, I wanted to be there for you.
You didn't want that.

-I'd love to know what Cindy thinks.
-Cindy has nothing to do with any of this.

Oh, no? How long
are you going to let this go on?

-Don't go near Cindy, alright?
-Why don't you get away from me?

Your wife and child are waiting for you.

Sure.

She might be lying in a ditch somewhere
or kidnapped by a drug cartel.

Alright, just think back.
Where did you see her last?

In the club with Javier.

Kiek!

Where the hell were you?
We've been looking all over the island.

-I was on the beach sobering up.
-I'm just so relieved that you're alright.

You.

What a night. I wanna hear…

Sorry for yesterday.
I never gave you the benefit of the doubt.

Don't worry.

I'd probably think
the same thing if I were you.

But I'm going to quit.
It's just not worth it.

Your bar, though?

I don't know.
Hey, I'll figure something out.

You know what? I think I can help you.

I'm really good with numbers.

Sounds like a plan.

Well, thanks again
for getting Kiki back home safely.

That wasn't me.

It was Jim.

Jim? Is Jim here?

Sorry, Lies. I tried to get him
to come in but his mind was made up.

Hello? What are you waiting for?
Go! Hurry!

Jim!

I'm too late.

The results for the MRIs is this table.

-Sorry.
-That's alright.

INCOMING CALL LISA

If you need anything, just let me know.

-Great.
-Welcome.

-Congratulations, it's a girl.
-Yes!

ARAM REAL ESTATE

What do you want?

I'm so sorry.

I acted like a stupid kid.

I want to be there for you.

I really don't need you, Jack.

I want our child to have everything
he needs in life, including a father.

My son doesn't need
a father like you in his life.

-We're having a son?
-I'm having a son, yeah.

Johnnie…

I don't know if marriage is what I want.

Oh.

Okay, but

we got a good thing here.

I know we do. I just don't know
if I'm ready for such a big step.

You love me?

You know I love you,
you don't know how much.

So what are we talking about here?
We can keep everything the way it is.

I don't have to get married.
All I want is to be with you.

That's all I care about.

Come here.

Congratulations, Omie.

I hope there's an endless supply
of chocolate up there

and all the champagne you can drink.

What are you doing here?

I knew it was Omie's birthday.

-Her birthday parties were the best.
-Yeah.

Everything okay?

Yeah.

It's not okay.

I've screwed up everything
and everyone I've ever loved in my life.

And I don't know
what kind of a father I'll make.

Just remember you're not your father.

You got a woman pregnant,
now you gotta be there for her.

It's not too late
for you to grow up, you know?

It just took you a bit longer.

Lies, I really want you to keep the house.

We'll figure something out,
we'll make it work.

-You mean that?
-Yeah, I mean it.

Can you come
to the lawyer's office tomorrow?

Yeah.

-Thanks.
-Okay.

Ah, four. One, two, three, four.

Yeah, there.

No cheating now, Souf.

Hey, keep an eye on your brother,
I know he's going to try to cheat.

No, I won't.

Souf, I'm warning you.
You better not be cheating.

-Is Bo here?
-Yeah. With her husband and her kids.

She's back at the office on Monday,
so you can take more pictures.

-Listen.
-You listen, Rubber Ducky.

-If you put your hands on my wife again--
-Hey, Max.

-Hi. Can I talk to you a sec?
-Yeah. Come on in.

We're just about to have lunch.

-Want a sandwich?
-No, I won't be staying.

Hey, why not?
We're all one big, happy family.

Thanks.

I hope you don't mind
me coming by here on your day off.

Don't worry, it's fine.

Yeah, totally fine, man. It's just great.
Big time rapper in the house.

I'm not sure how to put this into words.

Sorry, a rapper without words.

Said.

Just ignore him.

I wanted to apologize.

-For the kiss.
-Hey, it was just a misunderstanding.

Let me just get you something to drink.
I wouldn't want your mouth drying out.

It was

not cool of me. Not cool at all.

Yeah. I put it behind me already.

Anyway, we need to be
concentrating on your career.

That should be our main focus.

That sounds good.

Sor…

Sorry, Said.

-Oh, fuck.
-Is that some new slang, or what?

Are you alright?

Was there shrimp in that sandwich?

Shrimp sauce.

I'm fucking allergic to shellfish.

We gotta get him to the hospital.

-Call an ambulance.
-Take a sip of water.

-Said! Call an ambulance.
-Fine.

-Monica.
-Jack, I'm at the hospital.

-The contractions have started.
-Are you sure?

You think I'm calling you for fun?

-Get your ass over here.
-Now?

Can you just hang on a bit longer?
I'm on my way to my lawyer's office.

No, Jack. Now!

On my way.

Unfortunately, if he doesn't show up,

we won't be able
to proceed with the transfer.

Yeah? We'll have to do it
another time, okay? Have a good day.

Some people will never change, and Jack
is definitely one of those people.

Can we not assume
he had a valid reason this time?

All his excuses,
I can't believe you're that stupid.

No, all I'm saying is… Fuck!

-You all right?
-Oh, Lisa, my water just broke.

It's okay, come on. Get in.

Yeah. Okay, you in?

-Yeah.
-Okay.

Hey.

Sorry, Max. We had no idea
you were allergic to shrimp.

-I look like shit.
-No. If I didn't know, I wouldn't notice.

You wouldn't notice?
I have to go to the Super Dome tomorrow.

I can't rap like this.

-No, sorry. Don't worry, I'll postpone it.
-No!

I don't want you to postpone it.
I'll find a way to do the show.

Or the deal is off the table.

It's my wife in there.

With another man.

With a swollen tongue. It's that guy,
Handsome Max, you know "Rubber Ducky"?

-Jack!
-Said?

-Cindy's here?
-Huh?

Yeah, with Lisa. I just saw them.
I think she's gone into labor.

-You're shitting me, right?
-Hey, aren't you here for Cindy?

No, I'm here for Monica.
Her water just broke.

-And does Cindy know yet?
-No.

There is something wrong with you, man.
You know that?

Yeah, I know, but listen.
I need your help right now.

I'm begging you.

I need you, Said. Please.

Hey. I'm so happy you're here.
I don't know what I'd do without you.

Now, where is the doctor?

-He came by but only for a bit.
-Okay, I'll go get him.

I don't want you in the hallway.

-No, I want you to stay here.
-I want you to have his full attention.

And Said is here,
and he has two kids, and he's an old pro.

-Any questions, just ask Said.
-Yeah.

-Jack?
-It's gonna be fine.

Breathe through your nose
and out through your mouth.

Said?

Good. All you have to do
is stay calm, alright?

What are you doing?

Good luck.

Okay, everything down there looks good.
Keep breathing through your nose.

-And breathe out your mouth.
-Okay.

The fuck's Jack? I'm sorry, Lisa.

Don't worry about the house,
we'll sort it.

The most important thing right now

is for you to have a beautiful,
healthy baby, okay?

Is a fucking doctor
too much to ask for in this hospital?

-I'm sorry we're so late, but--
-Where were you? I've been calling.

I gotta get a new phone.
Mine has lousy coverage.

I'm just lucky Lisa was around or I'd have
given birth on the side of the road.

-Where did Said get to?
-Keep breathing.

Yes, breathe through those contractions.

I want an epidural!

I'll see what I can do,
but you have to breathe.

-No, I want it now.
-Monica?

Cindy!

-Look hon what a coincidence, it's Monica!
-That's cool.

-Said, what's going on?
-She's all alone, I just wanna help her.

-How are things looking here?
-Jim?

Jim. What are you doing here?

Hey. Lies.

Someone's gotta help
bring these babies into the world, huh?

Well, yeah. I guess.

-That's nice, but I'm having a baby.
-Yeah, of course. Sorry.

-Are you the father?
-Yeah, he's the father.

What?

-Is that true?
-Do you think I… No, I don't know her.

I am so done with you, now.

Jack.

Jack.

Okay.

I'm the father.

-What?
-Sweetie, let me just explain, please.

Fucking…

-Get the fuck--
-I wanted to tell you.

-…out! Go!
-Okay.

Get out!

Go, fast!

Listen! There are two healthy babies,
they need to be born here.

So anyone who's not Monica or Cindy,
just get out.

-Pretty nerve wracking, huh?
-Yeah.

When Souf was born, it took so long
that Said fell asleep during the delivery.

-No.
-Yeah.

Okay, why is this taking so long?
You think something went wrong?

Hmm?

Do you?

Everything went very well.
Cindy is getting some rest.

She had a beautiful little girl.

Yes!

And Monica?

A healthy boy.

We can all be proud of Cindy.
She did a great job.

Well, I am.
But I'm also really proud of you.

Me?

Mhmm.

If you really want our relationship
to work, you need to be at home.

Yeah?

I'm going to be
the perfect husband, I swear.

This is your last chance.
Don't fuck it up. Hmm?

Doctor Jim.

-That sounds official.
-Yeah.

-So, you're back then?
-Yeah. I figured it's time to grow up.

-So why didn't you say anything?
-Would it have made a difference?

Well, it might have.

This could be our life, then.

What are you saying?

-You want to have kids?
-Depends who I have them with.

Well, I still wanna travel the world.

I would have loved
to go with you but I have a job.

Bummer.

Maybe when I get back, then?

GYNECOLOGY

Love.

Love is complicated. It needs two people.

Sometimes you need to get away
and take some time for yourself.

And discover what makes you happy.

You might be surprised
with new feelings you never knew existed.

You're brother and sister.

I haven't been
a very good partner for your moms…

but I'm gonna be a great dad,
for the both of you.

It can be so thrilling.
Really exciting.

And you shouldn't be afraid
to just go for it.

What have you got to lose?

Will you marry me?

Yeah, of course.

Sometimes you can be happy
with someone you never expected.

I did it. I just got a loan from the bank.

No way!

That's fantastic news.

Thanks for all your help.
I can't wait to celebrate with you.

You're in luck, then.
I'm coming to see you next week.

That's amazing!

I wasn't nice to you
and I want to apologize for that.

You know, Bo can be a pain, and bossy,
but she's the best at what she does.

So, why not give her another chance?

Sometimes you have
to admit your mistakes.

You might fall on your face,
but you have to get up again.

-Good one!
-Here you go, honey.

Whatever love is,
you can't force it.

You might just have to let it go,
that could be the hardest thing you do.

But if it really is true love,
it'll definitely find you.

Wherever you are.

Did you really think
I'd let you do this alone?

What about work?

All work and no play makes Jim a dull boy.