All language subtitles for C.I.Ape.2021.1080p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264-CM

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

[cat meows]

[computer beeping]

The coast is clear, Chief.

Give the agent the go ahead,
Miss James.

Okay, Sam, you heard the Chief.
Mission's a go.

[shuddering]

Coast is still clear,
but the window of opportunity is closing.

We're five by five,
but time is of the essence.

I'm going as fast as I can.

[Bondi over radio] We'll be
monitoring you the whole time.

Yes! The crowd cheers as he
totally sticks the landing.

Don't leave me hanging.

Miss James, please.
This is a serious mission.

Sorry, Chief.

Nice landing.

You earned a banana
for that one.

Mmm. [grunts]

[hooting]

[Bondi on radio]
According to the blueprints,

you need to move straight ahead

until you come to a T.

[hooting]

[grunts]

[Bondi] Okay, tough guy,
stay on mission.

[groans]

If our info's correct,
you should find an accessible data port

at the tower
closest to the door.

Tell him it's imperative
we have that data.

He knows, Chief,
we've trained for the situation.

The future of our democracy
may depend on it.

[gulps]

Take five
and let me work my magic.

Hm.

[Bondi] We're in business,

sit tight and we'll have you
out of there in no time.

- [banging]
- Hm?

[grunts]

- [blows raspberry]
- What on earth are you doing here?

- [computer beeping]
- We got it.

Grab that drive
and get out of there.

How did you get in here?

Zip line grappling hooks,
snuck by the guards

- and through the ventilation shaft
- A talking ape?

I prefer chimp.

Monkey?

Get him!

We've been breached!

Lock it down, lock it down!

[alarm blaring]

Come out, come out,
wherever you are.

Freeze!
[grunts]

Um, a little help.

[alarm blaring]

[chuckles] Silly bad guys,

you can't have a lock down
when there's a fire alarm.

Everybody knows that.

[groans]

[grunts]

[grunting]

[grunts]

[screaming]

[chuckles]

Who was that funky monkey?

[theme music playing]

[people chattering
in distance]

[whistling]

[cat calls]

So how'd you
get into this line of work?

I got recruited, just like you.

No, but, I mean,

you-you know, have you always
wanted to work with a monkey?

He's not a monkey,
he's a chimpanzee,

a member of
the great ape species.

And he hates
being called a monkey.

Oh, my bad.

I hate it, too.

Oh, uh, I... of course.

And, I mean, I totally agree
with you, you know?

And-and I do, you know,
it's just I thought

it was kind of funny
because, you know.

No, I don't.
It's funny why?

Sam, buddy, you really got
some moves out there.

[clicks tongue]

[bones cracking]

I'd like to thank you both

for attending this little

team-building exercise today.

Happy to be on the team, Chief.

Yeah, happy to be here.

Camaraderie is important

for any well-oiled organization

as it is maintaining an appropriate
level of physical training.

[applause]

He appears to have developed
a bit of a fan club.

- Bit unseemly for a secret agent.
- [phone ringing]

We got to go.
Dad's here.

Oh, okay. Um, it was nice
hanging out with you.

Outside of work, I mean.

Sure, you bet.

[Mr. James] Did you have fun
with your friends today?

They're not friends, Dad,
they're co-workers.

You and Sam are friends
and co-workers, right?

- [grunting]
- Yeah, but that's different.

Sam and I are family.

Hm, family's
important to you, huh?

It's not to you?

Sweetie, about that.

I know you're not very happy
with me these days,

but your mother and I can't
have you doing what you did.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Do you remember that time when you were
little and you ate that chocolate cake?

When I asked you
what happened to the cake,

you told me, "I don't know
what you're talking about."

You said it with cake
and frosting all over your face.

Come on,
that wasn't even the same.

Then you admit you did it?

Well, of course I did it.

Who else could have done it?

But I only did it because I didn't
want you and Mom to get divorced.

I understand that, sweetie.

And I'm sure you understand that the
love your mom and I used to share,

it's just not something you can
hack into a computer and fix.

Well, give me
a big enough computer.

[chuckles]

I mean, you can
hack into the system,

and you can delete all records
of our impending divorce.

But you can't change how we
feel in our hearts, sweetie.

People fall in love
and sometimes they fall out.

Yeah, Dad, people fall in love
with each other.

Sometimes,
only one of them falls out.

Sweetie.

[sighs]

She's not too happy with me,
is she?

She just needs some time.

Look after our girl, Sam.

Okay.

[soft chuckle]
Sam, now don't be rude.

That's disgusting.

Eh...

Bondi, young lady,
what did I just say?

- Hm.
- [phone ringing]

Hey, Bondi, you know that I
hate phones at the dinner table.

Mom, you know, the office
has to be able to reach me 24/7.

- [sighs]
- Oh, it's not from the office.

It's a text from unknown number.

[inhales]
Somebody's got a crush on you.

[exclaims] What? What?

People don't say that word?

- Mom.
- I mean, who is it?

I don't know.

I did say it was
an unknown number, didn't I?

Yes, you did, dear.

You know what, though,
since I've already said

that I don't like phones
at the dinner table,

maybe you put the phone down
and finish your dinner.

I wanna thank you all
for coming on such short notice.

We are paid to be here, Chief.

And it's first thing
Monday morning, Chief.

Quite right.
Where was I? Oh, yes.

We learned something troubling
from the intelligence

we retrieved
from our last mission.

I direct your attention
to the screen.

This is the earliest
known photo of Daniel Hawthorne,

and I'm being
quite literal about that.

There's no record
of his existence

before he was arrested
and had this mugshot taken.

- What was he arrested for?
- Loitering.

Hanging around with no purpose.

Some guys are just born bad.

This is Hawthorne again,

on the occasion
of his second arrest.

What for this time?

- Loitering with intent.
- Upping his game.

He looks sad.

Of course, he's sad,
he's a bad guy.

Bad guys are sad by definition.

If they weren't sad,
they wouldn't be bad guys.

Yeah, I know, but trust me on this
one, Chief, this guy's sad.

Be that as it may,
we now have evidence he must be stopped.

- So stop him, we will.
- Mm-hm.

If you're not vigilant,
milk can sour before you know it.

Sure, it smells all right today,
but what about tomorrow?

- You wake up one morning...
- [chuckles]

...pour a tall glass

and that's when
it hits you, pow!

A mouthful of injustice.

Finish your milk
before the expiration date,

before it turns on you.

[chuckles] He's doing his
Patton thing again.

What I'm trying to say
is this guy is milk

with an approaching
expiration date.

We have to stop him before
he becomes completely sour.

[both laughing]

All over
the milk metaphor, Chief.

This is a photo of him

when he adopted the nickname
"Alpha Dog." [scoffs]

Intelligence indicates he's
embraced the role of arch villain

and is attempting to build
some sort of new weapon.

New weapon?
What's that even mean?

That we don't know.
Intelligence is patchy at best.

But we know with his unit
in the Council of Crime,

he's intending on using
whatever it is

to unleash his evil scheme.

His secret base is located
on this island.

He calls it "Wolfhound Island."

Okay, partner,
this is our biggest mission yet,

and our most important.

We can't let Alpha Dog
complete his plan.

We've had plenty of training with
the jetpack in simulation mode.

Are you confident
you can do this for real?

[clicks tongue]

Like always, I'll be with you
every step of the way,

so when you're safely on the
island, just find a place to hide

until I'm back at command
and online, okay?

Make sure you
come back to me, Sam.

You mean more to me
than this mission.

Bondi, you checked these waters
for sharks, right?

[Bondi on radio]
Yep, 100% shark infestation.

[gulps]

Well, at least they're
down there and I'm up here.

[jetpack sputters]

[grunts]

[growling]

[whimpering]

[grunting]

[man] Doctor.

Doctor Devious.

Devious!

You trying to scare me to death?

And what do I owe the pleasure
of this visit to my lab?

Make no mistake, Doctor,
this is my lab.

- Oh, please.
- And the work...

The work you're doing here
is at my discretion.

Oh, really,
I totally forgot.

Thanks for reminding me
every time you get a chance.

[sighs] Let's not get caught up
in semantics, Doctor.

Instead, let's inspect
the troops, shall we?

- Yes.
- Excellent.

There's been a few setbacks,
I'm afraid.

[laughing] Yes!

Handsome specimens, Doctor.
Yes, yes.

[laughing]
[mimics growling]

What are their names?

- Names?
- Yes.

They're robots,
they don't have names.

[groans] Yes, surely,
since we created them,

we could give them some names.

They're not people,
they're robot dogs.

[groans] Yes, but Doctor,
I can't just say, "Dog, attack."

And what if both dogs attack
the same thing

and there's multiple things
that need to be attacked.

And then we're not winning
the attack,

the next thing you know,
it's total chaos.

Oh, attacking, is that part of the plan?
I didn't know that.

Is attacking part of the plan
to take over the world?

Is that a serious question,
Doctor?

Yes, from time to time,
we may need to

attack something here and there.

[scoffs] Clearly you're new
to this whole evil thing.

[exhales]

Listen, I only took this job,
because you promised me

unlimited funding
for development.

Yes, yes, whatever,
just show me the dogs.

Bring them to life.

Okay. Oh, well, let me
introduce you to them.

- I have named them.
- Mm.

- This one's named Number One.
- Oh.

And Reginald Cornwell...

No, I think we'll
go with Number Two.

You like them?
Named them myself.

Number One... heel.

[whirring]
[beeping]

[sighing]

Number Two, heel.

Oh! [laughs]
Very nice, Doctor, very nice.

Number Two, fetch.

[chuckles]
[clears throat]

Okay, back to Number One.
Let's see what you can do.

- [beeps]
- [whirring]

Doctor, do you think
I want to be a laughing stock?

Do you think I wanna take over
the world with laughter?

No!

Okay, Number Two,
it's all up to you now.

Number Two.
Number Two!

It's safe to say
that we can call them both

big stinking piles
of number two.

Good job, though.
[blows raspberry]

[door buzzing]

Doctor, you assured me this
was well within your skill set,

but prototypes
are not exactly inspiring hope.

I know, I think...
I think it's a problem with the AI.

What do I care about AI?

I want weapons,
not thinking soldiers.

You want me to make
brainless robo-dogs? [scoffs]

What do I want
with a thinking canon ball?

I don't know, maybe so it
won't aim for the wrong target!

Doctor, as far as I'm concerned,

as long as it's aimed in
the right direction,

there are no wrong targets.

This guy...

- Hi, there.
- [exclaims]

Where'd you come from?

Are you one of my dad's
test subjects or something?

Are you spying on Dad
and that creepy doctor guy?

Code Red, agent discovered.

I repeat,
agent has been discovered.

Calm down, Miss James,

the agent is an expert
at covert operations.

Remember the time he posed as a Hollywood
producer and actually won an Oscar?

Yeah, you're right.

We still laugh about that.

Obviously, you're not one of
my dad's ridiculous robot dogs,

but what's this weird thing
on your head?

Trust me, nobody would blame you

for wanting to escape
this creepy place.

Only reason I'm down here
is I'm trying to find my dad

to see if he even remembers
it's my birthday today.

Oh, that's nice.

Thank you.

Happy birthday.
[chuckles]

You talked.

[door opens]

Pumpkin, I thought I heard
something out here.

What are you doing down here?

Haven't I told you
not to come down here?

You know this is
just like you, Dad,

to assume
I'm doing something wrong.

It never occurred to you
I might be so bored,

I'd want to explore
this stupid island?

Sweetie, I'm not accusing you
of anything.

I just didn't want you to...

And anyway,
it's raining outside,

so even if I wanted to go
someplace else, I can't.

So where am I supposed to go?

Honey, I don't know
where this is coming from.

Can-can we
talk about this later?

Go talk to your robots.

[sighs]
Must be difficult

balancing the responsibilities
of fatherhood

with the obsessive demands
of creating criminal robots.

Doctor, it would appear
we're both having

programming problems
with our creations.

Although, I fear yours is going to
be much easier to fix than mine.

But first,
I have guests to attend to.

[laughing]

[clattering]

- Whoo.
- [chuckles] Hey.

Seriously, what's that thing
on your head?

Are you a secret agent
or something?

Will this allow me
to communicate with aliens?

Uh... [sighs]

[Bondi sighs]
Disaster averted.

I never had a moment's doubt.

Awesome. Still gotta feel
sorry for her,

having no friends like that.

[phone buzzing]

Oh, um...

I've told my mom
not to text me during work.

Miss James.

Beyond issues
of professionalism,

I must ask to see your phone
due to security.

Honestly, you've been
warned about this.

Well, now who is this
secret admirer?

For heaven's sake, Miss James,

he's announcing right from the
start his identity is a secret.

How can you possibly trust somebody
whose identity is a secret?

[rock music playing]

[laughing]
What are you doing?

[sighs]

Forehead.
[chuckles]

Queen Evil.
[chuckles]

Chrome Dome.

Crimson Ghost, so spooky.

Welcome to Wolfhound Island.

You know,
perhaps maybe you all

should think of
changing your names

to something a bit more
dog-related,

since I am the Alpha Dog leader
of this Council of Crime.

- No.
- Yeah, well, maybe you should add some chamomile

to your decaf there, Forehead, old buddy.
Bring it down a notch.

Anyway, just the name thing,
just something to think about, ponder over.

Why did you summon us
here today?

I had to miss a spa appointment.

And I had a book club
I was looking forward to.

Oh! I just started
Pride and Prejudice myself.

Ooh, that's a good one.

What?!

Tell you the truth,
we didn't think you could read. [laughs]

Well, I can read well enough
to know the difference

between push and pull
on the conference room door.

It was one time.

All right... [bangs table]
children.

I called you
all here today to tell you

that we are going to
take over the world.

- [all groaning]
- Oh, that again.

Yes, how many times
will that make it this year?

Quite a lot, actually, uh,
about as many as you have exes.

That was supposed to be
between us, Forehead.

[stuttering] What is even
happening right now?

What is this,
some type of therapy group?

Listen, this time is different.

I have a foolproof plan.

But first,
I must attend to something.

You're my guests,
make yourselves comfortable.

Keep your feet of the furniture,

TTFN.

[groans]
They're like a bunch of tweens.

[sighs] "He said this,
she said that. I like K-pop."

[chuckles] Actually,
I do kind of like K-pop.

This is my room...
supposedly.

Really, it's more like
my dad's room

because he's the one
who designed it.

I think it's his weird way of
trying to put me in shrink wrap

and make me stay
his little girl.

See what I mean?

He thinks I still
play with stuffed animals.

Sometimes I think he wishes
I was a stuffed animal.

Then he could keep me
in a cabinet forever.

[chuckles]
You guys could be brothers.

Hm. [grunts]

I wish I had a brother.

Or a sister.

Or that my mom was still around.

[knocking on door]

[grunting]

Pumpkin?

- Dad.
- Well, I thought I heard you

talking to somebody in here.

That's a stretch,
there's nobody to talk to.

Hey, didn't I tell you
to stay out of the lab?

Honey, I'm sure the doctor's
looking for this.

I-I didn't.

[sighs] You know, I know that
being stuck here on an island

is not ideal,
especially at your age.

I mean, look at your room.

Yeah, I got to admit,
this is one of the better designs I did.

Yeah, this room is fantastic.
I mean, look at your bed.

I remember when you were little.
Your stuffed animals.

[exclaims] Look at these.

[laughs] I remember
all these little guys.

Hi, little puppy dog.
[laughs]

Oh, there's a little sloth.
Oh, you're so cute.

[laughs]

[growling and barking]

Wait a minute, what is this one?

This monkey
is remarkably lifelike.

- I-I...
- What do you want, Dad?

Pumpkin... I owe you an apology.

You know, I-I barked at you
in the hallway outside the lab

and-and you didn't deserve that,
all right.

It's just that, uh,
that dog in me.

So what I did is something
we haven't done in a while.

I set us up
to have dinner together.

- Really?
- Yes, I set the whole thing up.

What are we having? Chateaubriand?
Lobster Thermidor?

All right, all right.

No, we're having your favorite;

chicken tenders, tater tots,
and pistachio ice cream.

You remembered.

Of course,
I remembered, pumpkin.

I even got 'em to get that little zesty
honey mustard sauce that you like.

Not too zesty.

Not too sweet,
just like you pumpkin. [laughs]

Does the pistachio ice cream
have real pistachios?

Of course, there's real nuts
in the pistachio ice cream.

[both laughing]

Kitchen, I need real pistachios
on the ice cream.

I repeat, real pistachios
on the ice cream.

[girl]
Who are you talking to, Daddy?

No one, sweetie.

[man on radio] Alpha Dog,
I can't locate any pistachio nuts?

[groans] Well, then I suggest
you relocate yourself

to the local purveyor
of said nuts,

or a lack of pistachio nuts
is going to be

the least of your worries.

Do you understand me?
[barks]

- Who are you talking to, Daddy?
- Oh, nobody, sweetie.

You there, where are you going?
Never mind, I don't care.

Take this back to the lab.

Oh, no.
Did you hear that, Chief?

We have to go in.

No, he didn't activate
his emergency beacon.

We let him do the job
he trained for.

What do we do in the meantime?

We wait.
That's all we can do right now.

Nobody.

[chuckles] Nobody.

Nobody!

Did you hear that?
He called me "nobody."

Hey, don't worry about it.

Sometimes it's best
not to stand out.

That's easy for you to say.
I'm the Wolfhound chef!

I have to plan the meals,
monitor supplies,

buy the groceries, prep, cook the
food, and clean the kitchen.

Sometimes he changes the menu
on a whim.

And whose fault is it if I
don't have his demands?

Mine!

First one up in the morning,
the last one to go to bed,

seven days a week,
365 days a year.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Don't forget about leap years.
That adds a day.

You are not helping!

- [radio static]
- [Alpha Dog on radio] Hello there.

- Alpha Dog.
- Yes, sir.

I just wanted to let you know
that you left the intercom on.

Perhaps you can stop whining
about the pistachios.

I can always have
one of the men in the armory

stuff you into a cannon
and shoot you across the island.

- No, sir.
- We'll see you soon enough

with that wonderful
pistachio ice cream

with the real nuts, of course.

And uh, uh, uh,
over and out, Chef.

That means hang up.

Now what's wrong?
He called you "Chef."

Yeah, but he coulda said,
please though.

Dude, he's a super villain.

"Please"
ain't in his vocabulary.

Well, someone ought to tell him
politeness goes a long way.

Again, super villain.

[grunting]

[moaning]

Hmm.

[beeping]

- Alpha Dog told me to give this to you.
- [gasps]

Thanks.

[scoffs]
Evil genius, schmevil genius.

[mumbling]

Stupid. [grunts]

I need to recharge.

[breathes deeply]

[snoring]

Pumpkin, do you have the salt?

- Sorry?
- The salt!

Oh, yeah, it's right here.

Butler, salt!

Go! [growls]

Thank you, sweetie.

Dad, do you have the sauce?

Uh, what's that, sweetie?

- The sauce.
- The sauce?

- Yes.
- Butler, sauce for my daughter!

Hurry up,
my daughter needs sauce.

There you go, honey.

Sweetie, how are the carrots?

- Oh, they're-they're great.
- Oh, wonderful.

Butler, carrots!

Why are you so slow?

[growls]

Dad, why do I have to sit
all the way down here?

What's that, sweetie?
You're too far away, I can't hear you.

Why do I have to sit
all the way down here?

- Uh, one more time.
- Down here.

[snoring]

- Hey!
- [gasps]

What do you think you're doing?

It's my turn
to ride the merry-go-round.

And I'm telling grandma.

[snoring]

I knew you could do it.

I think our agent's
back online, Miss James.

Jeez, it's like being
on a Tilt-A-Whirl.

[sighs] Okay, partner, I've got
to sign off and head home.

Apparently, the adults are talking
and I'm expected to attend.

Stay hidden until I get back.

- He'll be all right.
- [chuckles]

I know, I just hate it
when he's out all night.

I worry about him.

He'll know what to do.
He's smart like you.

Thank you, you're sweet.

It's just I feel like
everything in my life

is changing right now.

It's my parents, this job,
nothing is constant but Sam.

I can always count on him.

- And-and me.
- What about you?

You can always count on me.

I know we didn't start off
on the right foot,

but you can always
count on me, Bondi.

Now just go home and deal with
what you need to there.

I'll stay here
and make sure Sam is good.

Thank you, Johnny.

This is tiresome!

Typical powerplay,
making us wait.

What do you expect from someone
who calls himself "Alpha Dog?"

[chuckles] Indeed, Queen Evil.

Cracking wise, Chrome Dome.

I have no pretension
regarding my nom de guerre.

I'm not hiding who
or what I am from anyone.

Need I point out, my friend,

you'd be hard-pressed
to hide from anyone.

[laughing]

Oh, of course.

Jokes about my shiny bald head,
how original.

I chose to shave
every last hair.

[laughs] Oh, yes,
all three strands of hair,

- if I remember correctly.
- [laughing]

Guys, guys, guys, and ladies, and...
we're better than this.

- No, we're not.
- [chuckles]

Although I hate to agree,
she's right.

We are super villains,
after all.

Vindictiveness is in
our job description.

Oh, well, how foolish of me
to think that a group of people

that want to take over the world
could possibly work together.

It's like expecting children
to share a toy,

except in this case,
the toy in question, me,

is running the greatest criminal
conspiracy the world has ever seen.

Now...

I have an idea.

[chair scraping loudly]

[exhales]

Why am I always standing?

Okay, here's my idea, all right.

I mean,
we're all friends here, right?

I mean, roll with it, okay.

We're always lashing out
at each other

because of our,
your, insecurities.

So what I'm thinking is
perhaps maybe we just...

Let's go around the room and say
something about the other that we like.

I'll-I'll start. I'll start.

Chrome Dome, why don't you say
something that you like about me?

This is madness.

How dare the four of you
slander the name of Villainry,

a name we fought
so hard to keep?

I will not be a part of this,
so stop it.

All right, so first round,
pretty good so far.

Little negative in one area,
we'll work on it.

But, you know,
why don't you guys all,

you know, keep at it for a little
bit, I mean, it'll get a bit better.

I-I really believe that
this is going to work for us.

I am just going to go somewhere
a little less sad.

[chair scraping loudly]

[groaning]

[Alpha Dog exhales]
Oh, that was exhausting.

[beeping]

Eureka!

[laughs]

Remarkable.

Oh.

Remarkable.

Hey, Dan... I mean, Alpha Dog...

your presence is requested
in the testing chamber.

Immediately.

Doctor, I certainly hope
you have some good news.

Hmm. Sometimes I find
the best solution to a problem

is to think outside the box.

Hm.

Well, spare me
the suspense, Doctor.

What is it
that has you so excited?

Consider; is a trade
for a soldier

really that bad
if he was a touch... insane?

Okay, easy, Doctor.

But I think... I think I know
what you're getting at.

Rather than fix the problem,
we should...

Yes, precisely.
Don't correct it, harness it.

- Hm.
- That led me to my latest discovery:

Nanobots.

Nanobots,
to control the dog-bots?

Well, think of it
as a high-tech leash.

- Watch.
- [beeping]

[whirring]

Heel.

It... It just heeled.
Do it again.

Oh, and you're gonna love this.

Roll over.

- What? Stop it. He just rolled over.
- I know.

When you told him to roll over,
he rolled over.

Did you see it?
It was amazing. [laughing]

Devious, you mad genius!
Congratulations!

You know, you have truly proven
that every dog

does indeed have its day.
[laughing]

Would you consider it premature
to tell the sponsors

that we are back on track
for our original deadline?

Oh, no, not at all.

And now that I've surmised
what the problem was,

I feel like putting it
all into motion

shouldn't take any time at all.

Outstanding!
[laughs]

This country will rue the day that it
turned its back on Daniel Hawthorne.

I mean... [clears throat]
Alpha Dog.

- [barks]
- [sighs]

Why do you have to do that all the time?
You always bark.

- We-we just had this moment and it was all perfect...
- It's my thing.

And then you ended it with barking.
[barks]

Alpha Dog, it's a theme.
The outfit goes with it. [barks]

Okay, team, it looks like
the game is officially afoot.

We all have jobs to do.
I suggest you do them.

Miss James, tell the agent to sit
tight and await further orders.

I shall instruct
the science team

to look into how best to defeat these
so-called nanobots straight away.

You there! Yes, you!

Do you know
who let the dogs out?

I did!

Soundtrack guy, drop a beat.

[upbeat music playing]

[Bondi on radio]
O-M-G! He must be stopped.

Not just the plan,
but the dance.

[scoffs]
Chief says to sit tight

while we get the techno geeks
cooking up a solution.

In the meantime, keep an eye
on that crazy doctor,

but more importantly,
be careful, partner.

Seriously,
take care of yourself.

I can't deal with losing
somebody else I love.

[whimpering]

[sighs]

You, uh...

got a little something
there in your eye.

Your third eye.

I can't see!
[cries]

Mr. Alpha Dog, might I interpret
this ill-timed intrusion to mean...

Wait, what is it you have there?

Greetings, fellow followers
of felonious fascination.

As our crimson compatriot
has noticed,

even though the rest of you
have not...

You're getting a dog?

We're all getting dogs.

The doctor has done it!

Unlike previous models,
his new robo-dogs

possess the ability
to follow instruction.

We're off the leash.
No more leashes!

So this-this is the reason
we're here on this island.

You've obviously overcome
the obvious cognitive failure.

But what leads us to believe

they're capable
of following further direction?

Yes, how do we know they actually run
any smoother than the previous lemons?

Yes, yes, yes.
I oversold before, I'll admit it.

But these new models surpass
all previous claims by a mile.

Meaning?

I mean, they are
fully self-aware and compliant.

And waiting for us
to tell them what to do.

- We want to see it.
- Yes, show us.

- Where are they?
- Let us see what they can do.

You will see their full power
unleashed...

tomorrow at the unveiling.
[laughing]

[all laughing]

Hey, wait! Tomorrow?

Hey, honey, can you get off your
phone at least to go to sleep?

You're still waiting
on a response, aren't you?

He said he was a secret admirer,

but then he didn't bother
to respond.

Yeah.

I mean, I know where
you're coming from there, hon.

You know,
when your dad and I first met.

Yeah, well,
where did that end up?

He left us.

He left me.

No, honey.

Your dad's not completely gone.

And he's still gonna
be in your life.

He's... [sighs]

just a guy trying to...
figure out who he is.

Yeah, well, he should
figure out he's my dad.

Hi, there.
I wondered where you got off to.

My mom used to bring me out here
to fly kites and collect rocks.

She said by doing both,
you could have

your head in the clouds
and your feet on the ground.

Yeah, I know.

My dad, right?

My mom was so much
smarter than him.

Mm-hm.

That's the thing,
my dad never started

this whole stupid thing
until after she died.

It's like her cancer
made him so mad at the world,

he decided to take it over
to punish it.

She's out here, you know?

My mom, I mean, she's...

My dad had her cremated and we
spread her ashes in the surf.

That way I can
always visit her out here.

I like to think a little of her
is in each one of these rocks.

Hey, look at this one.

You know,
we are pretty good at this.

Of course, we're good at this,

we're getting paid by the CIA
to do what we'd be doing

if we were in our homes
eating frozen pizza.

Oh, man, I would be
on my computer, no doubt,

but I definitely wouldn't be
eating that frozen pizza.

You crazy?
You don't like pizza?

I was talking about hacking
for good instead of, you know.

Pizza is negligible.
Crust, sauce, toppings.

It's what you
do with it that counts.

You bring frozen
into the picture,

you're talking about
processed food.

And that is where
I draw the line.

Okay, I got the president
breathing down my back

and he's got a golf game
at 11:00,

so he's expecting us
to give him an answer by 10:59.

- You, with the hat.
- Well, sir, before I start,

- can I just say how much I appreciate...
- No time.

You, with the phone.

Sorry to interrupt.

It appears that
you're more concerned

with your social media presence

than you are with helping solve
this problem confronting us.

Sorry about the phone, Chief.
Helps me think.

You wanna take down
Alpha Dog's plan.

Ironically, it was that devious
doctor dude that gave us the idea.

I mean, it's like we were
just talking about frozen pizza.

There's nothing wrong with pizza as long as
you're talking about the basic ingredients:

the crust, the sauce,
the cheese, and the toppings.

But when it's processed and loaded
with salt, that's when things go wrong.

So you're saying a Trojan horse?

Well, what you would call
a "Trojan horse,"

we would call a "worm,"
but same difference.

Well, in this case,
the worm is the salt.

I like it. Make it so.

I'll alert the president,
we have a plan in place.

Then I shall have
a spot of lunch.

I'm suddenly feeling
a bit peckish.

[Bondi on radio]
Today is the day.

Your job is to gain access
to the lab

and the Nano-Bot computer.

You manage that,
and we'll do the rest.

Once the Trojan horse it
successfully installed in the network

we'll unleash the worm.

Then the worm can work
its diabolical magic.

[sniffing] Mm.

[Sam grunting]

- There you are.
- Hm.

I was starting to think
you were like

an imaginary guardian angel

who just shows up
when I need you,

but you're really real,
aren't you?

Hm. Ah, at least it's real
as a talking ape can be.

But why do I still feel like somehow
you're my guardian angel, too?

[Sam grunting]

What's this?

[Sam grunting]

I'm not gonna like
what's on this, am I?

You're one mysterious monkey.

Don't hate the player,
hate the game.

And don't call me a monkey.

I prefer chimp.

[computer beeps]

That's why you're here,
isn't it?

You're supposed to stop my dad.

In that case, all I can say...

is good luck, my guardian angel.

What can I do to help?

[upbeat music playing]

Whoa!
Are those sharks in the water?

Time is a-wastin',
as my dad likes to say,

so as soon as you
receive the payload,

you know what to do.

Miss James, while I appreciate
your dedication to the mission,

I'm not entirely comfortable
involving his daughter.

It strikes me
as not entirely ethical.

She offered, Chief.

That's hardly the point, Miss
James, and you well know it.

Trust me on this one, Chief.

She's a young girl
forced to confront the reality

that her father isn't the perfect
person she always thought he was.

Asserting a little independence
will be good for her.

[knocking on door]

Doctor, Doctor!

[Devious] What?

Greetings, Rebecca.

What do I owe the pleasure
of this visit?

It's my dad, he needs to see you
outside right now.

Is he crazy?

I mean, what could he
possibly need right now?

Things are... even though,
I'm busier than anybody.

I don't know.

He never tells me anything.

Hmm. Huh?

[groaning]

Hey... father-daughter relationships
can be problematic, I...

Okay.

Why don't I go see
what he wants?

Don't touch anything.

Okay, I got rid of the doc
and bought you some time,

but don't count on him
being gone long.

I guess this is goodbye then.

[Sam grunting]

See you later?

Count on it.

Man, that girl needs a friend.

[sighs]

[grunting]

Okay, locate the server.

Target acquired.

You may be sly, but so am I.

Miss James, can we
accomplish the task before us

without bad James Bond dialogue
accompanying it?

Oh, come on, Chief,
where's the fun in that?

This is a serious business,
but a little levity is good for us.

The Trojan horse is in, Chief.

Now we just need time
to unleash the worm.

How am I supposed to get
any work done?

Wild goose chase.

[rattling]

Houston, we have a problem.

You know, Einstein,

I'm beginning to think
that Alpha Dog

can't complete
this plan successfully.

[hisses]

He wants this place
to be his doghouse.

Nah, brother.

I should be running
this operation, me.

I wouldn't use robo-dogs.
[scoffs]

Too predictable
or unpredictable.

No, I would build an army

of the most loyal
and deadly of creatures.

So small they could get
in and out unnoticed.

So quiet,
you'd never hear them coming.

And so adorable,
you'd never suspect a thing.

Yes, I create an army of...

robo-guinea pigs.

- [Sam laughs]
- I'd be the greatest criminal boss you'd ever seen.

[laughs] Can't you just imagine
it, Einstein?

Einstein, huh?

What?

What's wrong, buddy?

Hmm?

Oh, you.

[spitting]
[yells]

[gasps] Hot.

[groans] I think I melted off my
tongue, that's gonna leave a mark.

[groans]

That's what I oughta create,

is a weapon that could
shoot hot coffee.

Everyone would be in terror of
the powerful dark roast Inferno.

We're so close.

Don't let him touch that drive!

[gasps]
[grunts]

[mug shatters]

Oh, no, what have I done?

[groans] Oh, my favorite mug.

[grunts]

[sighs] That was close.

We're in business, partner.
Let's do this.

[satellite pinging]

- [barking]
- [seagulls squawking]

Glorious day, isn't it?
[chuckles]

I would like to thank all of you
for taking time

out of your busy schedules
to be here today.

I assure you it will prove to be
well worth your while.

I have spent considerable time and at
considerable expense, I might add...

[laughs]

...building the perfect weapon.

A weapon so insidious
that when I unleash it,

all will tremble at the fearsome
bark of Alpha Dog.

[barks]

The only trembling you're
currently inspiring is of laughter.

[laughing]

Ah. [chuckles]
Chrome Dome.

Hm. Anyway... [clears throat]

Yes, where was I?

Oh, yes,
ours is a modern world.

Villainy is as old
as mankind itself.

So I started thinking,

"What is a good old weapon

that I can use to combine
with some new technology

to create a greater weapon?"

In that spirit,
friends and colleagues,

I give you my robo-dogs.
[laughing]

Yes.

Look at them,
glorious, magnificent.

[laughing]

Man's oldest, best-known weapon
is the famed Trojan horse.

Man's best old-known friend
is the loyal dog.

My genius
was to combine the two.

[barks]

Without further ado,
Devious, hit it.

[beeping]

[laughing]

[Bondi]
Kind of ironic, eh, Chief?

This Alpha dork guy
builds robot dog Trojan horses,

and we use our own Trojan horse
to shut 'em down.

What a tangled web we weave

when first we practice
to deceive.

And don't say dork, Miss James.

It is a word used by bullies
and nobody likes a bully.

Check it out.
I think we have lift-off.

What? No. No, no.

No. Okay, take it easy...

[no dialogue]

[gasps]

[screeching]

I need to meditate.

[yells]

[grunting]

[grunts] Devious, what...

Why are my robo-dogs
going insane?

I thought you said the
behavioral problems were fixed.

[nervous chuckle]
It was. I did.

I don't understand.

[grunts]

You...

[blows raspberry]

Let's us take our leave.

It appears Alpha Dog once again has proven
that his bark is worse than his bite.

[scoffs] Right behind you.

I made an appointment
at a day spa.

My treat.

Oh, no, no, please don't go,
I have a wonderful dinner planned.

- [chuckles]
- If this is any indication

of your catering skills,

I wouldn't risk
the food poisoning.

What's that?
Uh. Oh, oh, this?

Pfft, it's nothing at all.
Just a small, minor setback.

We'll get the kinks worked out and
get it up and running in no time.

Better than ever really.
[laughs]

If you honestly believe that,

than this robotic dog,
as pathetic as it is,

isn't the only one
who's lost his mind.

Oh. [sighs]

Hm. Hm.

Hey, it's a heart-shaped one.

I bet my mom left this
especially for you to find, huh?

[Sam grunting]

I guess those weird people aren't gonna
be friends with my dad anymore, huh?

[Sam grunting]

I bet that means we'll move off
this stupid island,

and I can finally
have friends of my own.

[Sam grunting]

Something tells me it also means

you'll have to go back
to wherever you came from.

I wonder what my mom would say if she
were here to see my dad's latest disaster.

She always said
he was a dreamer.

[knocking on door]

[sighs]

Hold it right there,
you simian savior.

Think I owe you
a bit of gratitude.

If it wasn't for you
ruining my day today,

I wouldn't have realized
what's truly important.

I've been so focused
on taking over the world

that I didn't realize that I had
the whole world

right in front of me
the whole time.

Thank you.

You know, actually, your mother
called me a "schemer."

Schemer with a head
full of rocks

and a heart full of gold,
to tell the truth.

She was 100% right.

I'm sorry, pumpkin.

Can a tired, old arch villain
get a hug from his daughter?

Here we are.

Go ahead, Sam, I'll catch up.

I just wanna say I'm sorry
for the way I've been acting.

I've been selfish.

I know it hasn't been easy
on you. I'm sorry.

I just wish things
would have stayed the same.

Just you, Mom,
and me living together.

Happy. Just like
when I was a little girl.

We can still be happy.

That doesn't have to change,
sweetie.

I'm here for you,
no matter what.

I'm still in the city,
and I'm just a phone call away.

I know.

I am so proud of you, Bondi.

You're becoming
the strong young lady

that I knew you would be.

I love you, Dad.

I love you, too, sweetie.

- See you next week.
- It's a date.

- [laughing]
- [indistinct chatter]

Johnny, have a sandwich.

- Oh, here.
- Sam made 'em.

Oh... [chuckles]
sounds, uh, yummy.

Johnny,
they are messing with you.

I made the sandwiches.

Mm, Bondi, you never told me,
who's the secret admirer?

[all laughing]

- Oh, my.
- [Rebecca] Hi, guys.

Thanks so much
for inviting me.

- [Mom] Here you go.
- Thank you.

Have a sandwich.

[laughing]

[upbeat music playing]

[music stops]

What's that, Einstein?

You have a dream
for world domination.

[laughs] Me, too.

Great minds do think alike.

We only need to
burst out of these walls.

No, we tried your idea,
and I didn't fit in the toilet.

What?

Oh, that's a great idea.
Splendid, yes.

Once we're escaped,
we'll take over the... the world.

No, dare I say the universe?

I dare. Universe.

[laughing]

Patience, my friend.

- [woman] Doctor.
- [gasps]

Do I know you?

- No.
- [grunts]

I'm here because I have
studied your work

on nano-bot technology.

[sighs]

Nano-bot, my one true love

till some monkey
turned them against me.

[chuckles]

Be it what it may.

The company I represent
is most interested

in getting you out of here

and investing monies
in your ideas.

We just need to know
what you would require from us.

C... I... Ape.

[music playing]

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull