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1
00:01:08,468 --> 00:01:10,299
Right...
2
00:01:10,437 --> 00:01:13,736
Eddie comes in, takes off his coat,
3
00:01:13,873 --> 00:01:15,738
body odour...
4
00:01:15,875 --> 00:01:20,403
...takes off his hat, sits down
to eat his tea, sees the note,
5
00:01:20,547 --> 00:01:22,412
sees me.
6
00:01:22,549 --> 00:01:23,846
Shock!
7
00:01:23,983 --> 00:01:26,577
Rescue, rescue, rescue! Remorse, remorse!
8
00:01:26,719 --> 00:01:29,620
Guilt, guilt, guilt! Whirlwind of self-loathing,
9
00:01:29,756 --> 00:01:32,884
and Eddie buys me a drink!
10
00:01:33,026 --> 00:01:34,288
Fiendish!
11
00:02:32,719 --> 00:02:35,381
- Hello, Eddie.
- Bugger off!
12
00:02:35,522 --> 00:02:37,615
Hard day at the office?
13
00:02:37,757 --> 00:02:39,224
Yes!
14
00:02:39,359 --> 00:02:42,021
I spent an hour with Mrs Longbottom,
15
00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:45,791
an hour and a half with that bitch, Mrs Pugh,
16
00:02:45,932 --> 00:02:48,799
I spent six hours looking for the supervisor,
17
00:02:48,935 --> 00:02:51,665
and when I found him, he cut off my dole!
18
00:02:51,804 --> 00:02:54,398
- I've got too many savings!
- How much have you got?
19
00:02:54,541 --> 00:02:59,274
�11.80! He says that will keep me
going for at least two months.
20
00:02:59,412 --> 00:03:06,648
You really are pathetic! You haven't
held down a steady job since 1978!
21
00:03:06,786 --> 00:03:08,947
You only held that down for ten minutes!
22
00:03:09,088 --> 00:03:10,680
Bunny girl
23
00:03:10,823 --> 00:03:15,260
I told you to keep your trousers on.
It was like watching a bullfight!
24
00:03:15,395 --> 00:03:17,863
We've got �11.80 for two months?
25
00:03:17,997 --> 00:03:22,229
No, we've got 30p
and a second-hand copy of "Parade"!
26
00:03:23,136 --> 00:03:25,604
- What?!
- It's an investment.
27
00:03:25,738 --> 00:03:30,004
I got it for �1.50, and originally
it only cost a shilling.
28
00:03:30,143 --> 00:03:33,044
The value of these things is sky-rocketing!
29
00:03:33,179 --> 00:03:37,912
That's pre-decimalisation.
They'll all have their pants on!
30
00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:41,748
- I'll look after this.
- No! This is my investment.
31
00:03:41,888 --> 00:03:44,618
- I'll show it to my grandchildren.
- Pardon?
32
00:03:44,757 --> 00:03:48,352
This is a genuine first edition of "Parade"!
33
00:03:48,494 --> 00:03:50,155
It's still in its cellophane wrapper!
34
00:03:50,296 --> 00:03:54,392
It doesn't matter how you art it up,
it's still a "jazz" mag!
35
00:03:54,534 --> 00:03:58,402
That's what they said to Michelangelo
about the Sistine Chapel!
36
00:03:58,538 --> 00:04:00,267
It's not!
37
00:04:00,406 --> 00:04:06,709
The Sistine Chapel is art. They'd have said,
"Blimey, nice painting, Mr Angelo.
38
00:04:06,846 --> 00:04:09,178
"That's what I call art, and it's not porny!"
39
00:04:09,315 --> 00:04:11,180
It bloody well is dirty!
40
00:04:11,317 --> 00:04:15,617
Those three birds on the third pillar
from the left with the blue ribbon!
41
00:04:15,755 --> 00:04:19,156
Some of the things they're doing
would make your nose bleed!
42
00:04:19,292 --> 00:04:22,352
It's in the history of art book. Where is it?
43
00:04:22,495 --> 00:04:27,159
- Leave that. Let's have dinner.
- It's in your study area.
44
00:04:28,668 --> 00:04:31,398
It's fallen open at the exact page!
45
00:04:35,908 --> 00:04:38,968
Extraordinary! It's done it again!
46
00:04:43,616 --> 00:04:46,346
Well, I've been studying that picture.
47
00:04:46,486 --> 00:04:51,185
Been studying it quite a lot, have you,
while you're alone in the house?
48
00:04:51,324 --> 00:04:56,489
- How dare you accuse me of masturbating?
- Who said anything about that?
49
00:04:56,629 --> 00:04:59,962
I just said it's odd how it always
falls open at that precise page!
50
00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:04,561
You know that's the picture I always
look at when I'm having a wa...
51
00:05:08,541 --> 00:05:13,376
�11.80 was all we had for the next
two months! How will I feed the children?
52
00:05:13,513 --> 00:05:18,746
- We haven't got any children.
- I was talking metaphorically.
53
00:05:18,885 --> 00:05:21,513
You're talking bollocks!
54
00:05:21,654 --> 00:05:24,054
Don't use that language here, my lad.
55
00:05:24,190 --> 00:05:25,714
What, English?
56
00:05:25,858 --> 00:05:28,486
The language of the guttersnipe!
57
00:05:28,628 --> 00:05:33,292
The language of the toilet! The language
of the green things you yank
58
00:05:33,433 --> 00:05:35,560
till a yellow dangly thing comes out!
59
00:05:35,702 --> 00:05:40,765
Every day, yakkety bloody yak!
On and on and on, day in, day out,
60
00:05:40,907 --> 00:05:43,171
slime in this ear, slime in that ear!
61
00:05:43,309 --> 00:05:46,073
JUST STOP TALKING!
62
00:05:55,121 --> 00:05:58,147
- You may hate me, Eddie...
- Yes, I do.
63
00:06:03,730 --> 00:06:06,164
...but you can't live without me, can you?
64
00:06:06,299 --> 00:06:09,291
Off you go, gallivanting around the countryside,
65
00:06:09,435 --> 00:06:13,201
squandering all our money
on rhythm magazines,
66
00:06:13,339 --> 00:06:17,469
then you swan in here
and expect your dinner on the table.
67
00:06:19,145 --> 00:06:21,773
I don't know why I do it,
68
00:06:21,914 --> 00:06:25,645
but I've managed to throw together
a slap-up dinner for two
69
00:06:25,785 --> 00:06:27,218
for no money at all!
70
00:06:27,353 --> 00:06:32,347
All the ingredients in our meal have
either been grown, found or foraged.
71
00:06:32,492 --> 00:06:33,959
Oh, dear!
72
00:06:34,827 --> 00:06:38,661
So, hey... Hey, Eddie!
73
00:06:42,135 --> 00:06:45,798
I forgive you. Come and have your din-dins!
74
00:07:09,495 --> 00:07:11,827
What's wrong with these beans?
75
00:07:11,964 --> 00:07:15,627
What do you mean? They're fresh.
I grew those in the window box.
76
00:07:15,768 --> 00:07:17,633
They've got black bits on them.
77
00:07:17,770 --> 00:07:20,238
It's just a couple of greenfly!
78
00:07:20,373 --> 00:07:25,072
They're dead now. They were under
the grill for ages. I watched them pop.
79
00:07:27,213 --> 00:07:29,738
- What's this?
- It's a turnip!
80
00:07:29,882 --> 00:07:33,113
- Are you missing the label
- Why is it black?
81
00:07:33,252 --> 00:07:35,413
It's been grilled!
82
00:07:39,358 --> 00:07:43,021
They have a real texture,
don't they? Fresh vegetables!
83
00:07:43,162 --> 00:07:46,222
It's a totally different experience!
84
00:07:46,365 --> 00:07:49,163
- Grilled lettuce?!
- No, that's bacon!
85
00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:51,361
It's green!
86
00:07:51,504 --> 00:07:53,028
Yeah?
87
00:07:53,172 --> 00:07:55,231
This is disgusting!
88
00:07:55,374 --> 00:07:59,276
Are you gonna blow your 30 pence
on a slap-up grill down the Savoy?
89
00:07:59,412 --> 00:08:01,812
Pass the tea.
90
00:08:06,886 --> 00:08:08,148
What's this?
91
00:08:08,287 --> 00:08:11,313
Elm tea!
92
00:08:11,457 --> 00:08:13,721
The gypsies swear by it.
93
00:08:13,860 --> 00:08:18,058
I bet they do! I bet they say,
"What the bloody hell's this?!"
94
00:08:18,197 --> 00:08:20,688
God, it's like living with Lena Zavaroni!
95
00:08:24,971 --> 00:08:27,667
You can taste the bark, can't you!
96
00:08:27,807 --> 00:08:30,435
Perhaps a little less wood next time.
97
00:08:30,576 --> 00:08:32,976
- Is there any pudding?
- Yes, plenty of pud.
98
00:08:33,112 --> 00:08:35,672
Right, I'm off.
99
00:08:35,815 --> 00:08:38,943
At least there's something fantastic
on telly tonight!
100
00:08:39,085 --> 00:08:42,179
I've been looking forward to this!
101
00:08:45,958 --> 00:08:47,926
- You can't watch that.
- Why not?
102
00:08:48,060 --> 00:08:51,029
I want to watch something on the other side.
103
00:08:53,032 --> 00:08:55,865
It's my favourite programme.
104
00:08:56,002 --> 00:08:58,232
The highest score...
105
00:08:58,371 --> 00:09:01,534
This is your favourite programme? What is it?
106
00:09:03,709 --> 00:09:07,611
A documentary. And there's a car, great!
107
00:09:07,747 --> 00:09:10,238
It's a documentary about fat old women!
108
00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:13,181
- Are you on it, then?
- Ha, ha, ha
109
00:09:13,319 --> 00:09:18,484
Hysterical! Heart-stoppingly funny!
You really should be on Channel 4!
110
00:09:18,624 --> 00:09:21,855
No, ITV. That's the channel for me.
111
00:09:21,994 --> 00:09:25,760
Nothing to worry about and plenty of sauce!
112
00:09:28,367 --> 00:09:29,334
What edifying programme
have the light channel prepared
113
00:09:29,468 --> 00:09:30,765
that I'm not going to let us watch?
114
00:09:30,903 --> 00:09:33,804
- "Miss World", actually.
- How disgusting!
115
00:09:37,877 --> 00:09:42,337
... the precision of the
measurement of aggregate change...
116
00:09:42,481 --> 00:09:44,381
Nice statistic!
117
00:09:48,621 --> 00:09:53,058
- Cor!
118
00:09:57,129 --> 00:10:01,862
... can monitor pain
at an individual level...
119
00:10:10,409 --> 00:10:12,707
Get out of my house!
120
00:10:12,845 --> 00:10:14,779
- I beg your pardon?
- You heard!
121
00:10:14,914 --> 00:10:17,439
- No, I didn't.
- I'm not saying it twice!
122
00:10:17,583 --> 00:10:20,518
I can't do anything about it, then, can I?
123
00:10:22,755 --> 00:10:24,848
This is my house, so get out!
124
00:10:24,991 --> 00:10:27,858
You can't do this. I've got rights. I pay rent!
125
00:10:27,994 --> 00:10:30,622
I've never actually seen any money!
126
00:10:31,764 --> 00:10:34,426
Well, I've been busy. How much is it?
127
00:10:34,567 --> 00:10:39,698
11,645 pounds and 66 new pence.
128
00:10:39,839 --> 00:10:43,798
- I've got 30p.
- You'd better get out of my house, then!
129
00:10:43,943 --> 00:10:45,672
It's your aunt's house.
130
00:10:45,811 --> 00:10:49,406
For the purpose of this
conversation, I AM my aunt.
131
00:10:49,548 --> 00:10:50,981
Hello, Mabel!
132
00:10:51,117 --> 00:10:54,746
Is she here? Shit, hide the fags!
Hello, Auntie!
133
00:10:54,887 --> 00:10:57,048
Right, that's it. Get out!
134
00:11:00,426 --> 00:11:02,792
I shall go, Mabel, but I ought to warn you
135
00:11:02,928 --> 00:11:08,389
that if your nephew reads any more
art magazines, he may go blind.
136
00:11:09,802 --> 00:11:12,327
Good day to you, madam!
137
00:11:14,874 --> 00:11:19,368
Good riddance to bad rubbish! That was clever!
138
00:11:25,751 --> 00:11:29,744
First, number 16,
Miss Dominican Republic.
139
00:11:35,494 --> 00:11:38,554
Maria is only 19 years old.
140
00:11:52,044 --> 00:11:54,638
I'm sorry, Richie. You're the tops.
141
00:11:54,780 --> 00:11:58,910
Let's have another cup
of that delicious elm tea!
142
00:11:59,051 --> 00:12:02,248
It's either that or nasty Linda.
143
00:12:31,250 --> 00:12:34,686
This isn't very sexy, is it?
144
00:12:34,820 --> 00:12:37,482
Look at the knockers on that one.
They're minute!
145
00:12:37,623 --> 00:12:40,751
That because that's Michael Buerk!
146
00:12:40,893 --> 00:12:44,260
He's not very saucy, is he?
147
00:12:44,396 --> 00:12:47,024
I'm all for educational programmes.
148
00:12:47,166 --> 00:12:50,624
I just think they could sex 'em up a bit.
149
00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:52,704
What do you think, Richie?
150
00:12:54,740 --> 00:12:57,174
This is so silly!
151
00:12:57,309 --> 00:13:01,211
Just because the TV got jammed
on to the light channel during the fall,
152
00:13:01,347 --> 00:13:05,716
and my trousers fell down
due to heavy housework...
153
00:13:05,851 --> 00:13:08,752
Richie, don't even try it.
154
00:13:08,888 --> 00:13:15,088
Just put the TV back on to "Miss World"
and we'll say no more about it!
155
00:13:16,262 --> 00:13:19,026
- We'll say no more about it?
- No.
156
00:13:22,234 --> 00:13:26,034
- Now go away!
157
00:13:26,172 --> 00:13:28,902
I'll just go away...
158
00:13:29,041 --> 00:13:31,236
...over here...
159
00:13:32,611 --> 00:13:35,307
...in my going away place.
160
00:13:36,515 --> 00:13:38,278
And here I am...
161
00:13:38,417 --> 00:13:43,184
...in my going away place... on my own.
162
00:13:44,924 --> 00:13:47,984
It's a bit of a loose end for me.
163
00:13:49,195 --> 00:13:52,062
I'll just tidy away the dinner things.
164
00:13:55,568 --> 00:13:58,503
Yes, just tidy away the dinner...
165
00:13:58,637 --> 00:14:00,662
...that I cooked...
166
00:14:00,806 --> 00:14:03,001
...and nobody ate!
167
00:14:04,009 --> 00:14:07,877
I'll just throw away the vegetables...
168
00:14:09,415 --> 00:14:11,610
...on to that man.
169
00:14:13,018 --> 00:14:17,455
All the vegetables I spent
all day grilling, off they go!
170
00:14:17,590 --> 00:14:20,787
- God's thinking, "What a good..."
- I'm warning you!
171
00:14:20,926 --> 00:14:25,226
If you don't shut up,
I'll stuff your head up your bum!
172
00:14:25,364 --> 00:14:29,494
You'll spend the rest of your life
on all fours, looking for the light switch!
173
00:14:31,337 --> 00:14:34,306
OK.
174
00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:36,874
A cup of tea...
175
00:15:00,799 --> 00:15:03,927
Cor, they don't write tunes
like that any more!
176
00:15:09,141 --> 00:15:11,166
It's just...
177
00:15:15,180 --> 00:15:17,239
I'm just a very lonely person.
178
00:15:17,383 --> 00:15:19,146
I'm not bloody surprised!
179
00:15:25,591 --> 00:15:28,389
Great. "Miss World"!
180
00:15:34,566 --> 00:15:36,796
Cor!
181
00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:39,700
Cracking birds, aren't they?
182
00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:44,502
Do you know how many birds
there are in the world?
183
00:15:44,643 --> 00:15:47,134
Yeah. About three billion.
184
00:15:47,279 --> 00:15:51,079
Do you know how many of those
I've slept with? None.
185
00:15:51,216 --> 00:15:54,674
Statistically, that's quite phenomenal.
186
00:15:56,956 --> 00:16:00,050
Not for an ugly fat bastard like you.
187
00:16:01,060 --> 00:16:04,461
I wonder what sort of great bird
would suit me?
188
00:16:04,596 --> 00:16:06,826
A blind one?
189
00:16:07,833 --> 00:16:11,030
A blind, deaf masochist, really.
190
00:16:11,170 --> 00:16:13,365
I suppose you're right.
191
00:16:13,505 --> 00:16:16,633
I was born at the wrong time.
192
00:16:16,775 --> 00:16:21,576
I'm more sort of Elizabethan.
You know, 13th century.
193
00:16:21,714 --> 00:16:27,880
Shakespeare, the French Revolution.
I'm just too intelligent, that's my problem.
194
00:16:28,020 --> 00:16:30,420
Shit!
195
00:16:30,556 --> 00:16:33,320
I didn't expect the kettle to be hot!
196
00:16:33,459 --> 00:16:38,396
God, life's horrible!
Why haven't I got a girlfriend?
197
00:16:38,530 --> 00:16:41,431
I'd look great with a girlfriend!
198
00:16:43,068 --> 00:16:46,128
I've never had a girlfriend.
199
00:16:46,271 --> 00:16:48,967
Perhaps I'm the new Messiah.
200
00:16:50,876 --> 00:16:54,368
Yeah... Maybe that's it.
201
00:16:55,447 --> 00:16:58,109
Get up and walk.
202
00:16:58,250 --> 00:17:00,775
Fifty quid. Thanks.
203
00:17:01,787 --> 00:17:03,618
Throw away your sticks.
204
00:17:03,756 --> 00:17:06,088
Bonk! April fool!
205
00:17:11,296 --> 00:17:13,287
God, I'm bored!
206
00:17:15,601 --> 00:17:18,627
There's the phone.
207
00:17:18,771 --> 00:17:21,865
We haven't had a phone conversation all night.
208
00:17:22,007 --> 00:17:24,601
I'm great on the phone!
209
00:17:26,311 --> 00:17:28,939
Hello? Great!
210
00:17:30,682 --> 00:17:32,775
Hi! Greater!
211
00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:40,151
Lieutenant Sex Machine. Homicide.
Yeah, what time?
212
00:17:40,292 --> 00:17:44,126
I'll nail this sick mother,
even if the DA takes my badge.
213
00:17:44,263 --> 00:17:47,061
Chief, just give me 24 hours!
214
00:17:47,199 --> 00:17:50,191
God, I wish I knew what all that meant!
215
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:54,903
Dring... Oh!
216
00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:57,873
Dring, dring... Oh!
217
00:17:58,010 --> 00:18:02,071
Dring... Oh! Hello?
218
00:18:02,214 --> 00:18:05,274
Who is this?
219
00:18:05,417 --> 00:18:08,443
Just don't hurt the kid, OK?
220
00:18:08,587 --> 00:18:11,420
Eddie! It's him again!
221
00:18:11,557 --> 00:18:15,152
He's got Janey. Switch on the tape recorder!
222
00:18:18,130 --> 00:18:20,189
How much do you want?
223
00:18:20,332 --> 00:18:24,860
Forty million billion squillion
zillion dollars? Are you crazy?!
224
00:18:25,003 --> 00:18:30,669
Oh, you are! Sorry. I haven't got 40
million billion squillion zillion dollars.
225
00:18:30,809 --> 00:18:35,178
Eddie blew our money
on a second-hand copy of "Parade"!
226
00:18:37,483 --> 00:18:38,848
Hang on.
227
00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:48,256
You had �11.80.
You spent �1.50 on the porn mag...
228
00:18:48,393 --> 00:18:51,157
- Art pamphlet!
- That is beside the point!
229
00:18:51,296 --> 00:18:57,462
�1.50 from �11.80 leaves �10.30,
and you've only got 30... p!
230
00:18:58,604 --> 00:19:01,038
Where's the other tenner,
you grasping little Fagin?
231
00:19:01,173 --> 00:19:04,199
Sod off, you stupid fat git!
232
00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:08,409
Don't try and wriggle out of it
by being all grown up!
233
00:19:08,547 --> 00:19:11,778
- What did you squander it on?
- I put a bet on "Miss World".
234
00:19:11,917 --> 00:19:14,010
You put a bet on "Miss World"?
235
00:19:14,153 --> 00:19:17,020
You put a bet on "Miss World"! Great!
236
00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:18,623
Phwoar!
237
00:19:18,757 --> 00:19:21,419
Richie, this is "Panorama".
238
00:19:22,461 --> 00:19:25,794
Phwoar! Great! Which one's ours, old chum?
239
00:19:25,931 --> 00:19:29,731
- Miss China!
- Where are you, my lovely?
240
00:19:29,868 --> 00:19:32,496
There she is!
241
00:19:33,839 --> 00:19:37,468
You haven't put our money
on that old boiler, have you?
242
00:19:37,609 --> 00:19:38,940
Go on, me beauty!
243
00:19:39,077 --> 00:19:41,375
Mind the steps!
244
00:19:41,513 --> 00:19:43,913
That's a bit of a nasty tumble!
245
00:19:44,049 --> 00:19:47,985
- She can't even walk!
- She's lost a couple of teeth!
246
00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:50,918
Spit 'em out! They'll never notice!
247
00:19:51,056 --> 00:19:53,581
Stop smiling, you stupid cow!
248
00:19:53,725 --> 00:19:58,788
There should be a lollipop man
on that mouth, stopping the traffic!
249
00:19:58,931 --> 00:20:02,731
What possessed you to put our money
on the "Thing from the Swamp"?
250
00:20:02,868 --> 00:20:05,234
I got odds of a thousand to one.
251
00:20:05,370 --> 00:20:09,500
If she comes in ahead of the pack,
we stand to make 10,000 quid!
252
00:20:09,641 --> 00:20:14,510
Imagine it - lying on a sun-drenched
shore as the Caribbean laps at your feet,
253
00:20:14,646 --> 00:20:19,811
a scantily-clad maiden brings you
your 17th large Tequila Sunrise
254
00:20:19,952 --> 00:20:23,479
and a slap-up grill for two!
255
00:20:23,622 --> 00:20:27,683
The way Quasimodo's going, we'll be
lucky to get a wet weekend in Reigate!
256
00:20:27,826 --> 00:20:31,057
She's got a tattoo on her face!
257
00:20:31,196 --> 00:20:34,359
No, that's just a bit of blood.
258
00:20:34,499 --> 00:20:36,660
Oh, Eddie...
259
00:20:36,802 --> 00:20:39,862
Why didn't you bet on something
decent like Miss America?
260
00:20:40,005 --> 00:20:43,634
The odds were five to one on!
We'd have only made two quid!
261
00:20:43,775 --> 00:20:46,243
That's better than a tenner down the lav!
262
00:20:46,378 --> 00:20:48,869
- What's wrong with the reception?
263
00:20:49,014 --> 00:20:51,778
It's your fault for knocking it over.
264
00:20:54,353 --> 00:20:56,878
I hope there's not
too much damage.
265
00:20:57,022 --> 00:21:00,048
I'm sure the judges will take that
into account.
266
00:21:00,192 --> 00:21:03,320
What part of lovely China
do you come from?
267
00:21:06,531 --> 00:21:09,762
- I can't understand her!
- She's talking in Chinese.
268
00:21:09,901 --> 00:21:12,893
I'll give it a bang.
269
00:21:13,038 --> 00:21:16,496
You stupid git! There's ten grand riding on this!
270
00:21:18,577 --> 00:21:20,602
How do you do that?
271
00:21:25,284 --> 00:21:28,481
Richie, are you all right? Where are you?
272
00:21:28,620 --> 00:21:34,058
I'm over the other side
of the room! I'm over here!
273
00:21:34,192 --> 00:21:36,820
- This is me here.
274
00:21:39,898 --> 00:21:42,731
Have we got any more fuse wire?
275
00:21:42,868 --> 00:21:45,894
It's in the kitchen drawer.
276
00:21:46,938 --> 00:21:48,405
There's nothing in here.
277
00:21:48,540 --> 00:21:52,806
That's the fridge. Shit! The kettle's still hot!
278
00:21:54,713 --> 00:21:56,010
- Where is it?
- Down here. Aagh!
279
00:21:56,148 --> 00:21:58,116
I've done it again! That's three times now!
280
00:21:58,250 --> 00:22:01,276
God! There's no fuse wire in here!
281
00:22:01,420 --> 00:22:03,752
- Richie...
- What?
282
00:22:03,889 --> 00:22:06,119
- Hold this.
- What?
283
00:22:06,258 --> 00:22:09,523
Wagh! Oh!
284
00:22:09,661 --> 00:22:13,097
In third place,
number 42, Miss...
285
00:22:15,233 --> 00:22:18,031
Stick it back in!
They're giving the result!
286
00:22:18,170 --> 00:22:21,333
No, Eddie, please! Argh!
287
00:22:21,473 --> 00:22:26,137
In second place,
number 12, Miss America!
288
00:22:26,278 --> 00:22:28,746
That was the favourite! We're in with a chance!
289
00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:32,247
- I'm going to faint.
- It's exciting, isn't it?
290
00:22:32,384 --> 00:22:34,375
I can't hold it much longer!
291
00:22:34,519 --> 00:22:38,421
- Just another ten seconds.
- Please, it's your turn!
292
00:22:38,557 --> 00:22:42,857
- Shut your cakehole!
- And the winner is...
293
00:22:42,994 --> 00:22:46,259
- Go on. Have a go. It's fun!
- Here it comes!
294
00:22:46,398 --> 00:22:50,425
... number 37, Miss France!
295
00:22:50,569 --> 00:22:53,595
I don't believe it! It's a fix!
296
00:22:57,943 --> 00:23:00,810
- Did we win?
- No, we lost.
297
00:23:00,946 --> 00:23:03,005
Knackers!
298
00:23:04,850 --> 00:23:07,978
Richie, are you OK?
299
00:23:08,120 --> 00:23:10,884
Am I OK?
300
00:23:11,022 --> 00:23:13,684
No, I'm not bloody OK!
301
00:23:13,825 --> 00:23:16,521
Wait till I get my hands on you,
you little bastard!
302
00:23:16,661 --> 00:23:20,927
Shit, that bloody kettle's still hot!
God, life's horrible!
303
00:23:21,066 --> 00:23:25,833
Ten grand down the toilet and a scalded hand!
Why does fate treat me like this?
304
00:23:25,971 --> 00:23:29,031
At least things can't get any worse!
305
00:23:29,174 --> 00:23:30,698
Aaagh!
306
00:23:36,882 --> 00:23:39,373
There we go. Dab hand Eddie!
307
00:23:39,518 --> 00:23:43,750
That'll be 11,645 pounds and 66 new pence,
308
00:23:43,889 --> 00:23:49,486
or we could just call it quits
on the rent, Richie!...Richie?
309
00:23:51,296 --> 00:23:53,423
Richie?
310
00:23:54,499 --> 00:23:57,525
I'll take that as a yes, then, shall I?
311
00:24:02,974 --> 00:24:08,571
"Dear Eddie, by the time
you read this, I will be dead.
312
00:24:08,713 --> 00:24:12,444
"I know you will be feeling terribly guilty,
but don't blame yourself,
313
00:24:12,584 --> 00:24:16,281
"although it really is your fault.
314
00:24:16,421 --> 00:24:19,117
"If I was alive, I would forgive you,
315
00:24:19,257 --> 00:24:24,160
"but I'm not so I can't, so you'll
just have to live with it. Richard."
316
00:24:27,866 --> 00:24:29,959
Poor blighter!
317
00:24:31,937 --> 00:24:35,566
All he needed was the love of a good woman!
318
00:24:35,707 --> 00:24:38,870
Well, not even a good one.
Any old one would have done!
319
00:24:39,010 --> 00:24:43,709
Slap a wig on a "Speak Your Weight"
machine and he'd have been happy!
320
00:24:43,849 --> 00:24:47,307
And now he's gone and done himself in!
321
00:24:50,322 --> 00:24:53,052
This ought to fetch a few quid!
322
00:24:54,292 --> 00:24:56,419
Who left the kitchen window open?
323
00:24:56,561 --> 00:24:58,426
Richard, you're alive!
324
00:24:58,563 --> 00:25:02,260
The amount of pain I'm in would suggest so!
325
00:25:05,904 --> 00:25:08,964
Hello, BBC! Put me through
to the "Miss World" programme.
326
00:25:09,107 --> 00:25:12,008
I wish to complain
in the strongest possible terms!
327
00:25:12,143 --> 00:25:16,079
Well, put me through to ITV, then! Hello?
328
00:25:16,214 --> 00:25:19,115
Would you believe it?!
329
00:25:20,685 --> 00:25:23,245
It's just typical, isn't it?
330
00:25:23,388 --> 00:25:25,879
We're on the brink of winning �10,000,
331
00:25:26,024 --> 00:25:32,793
and some ugly frog bint scoops up
all our hopes in her garlic-stained claw
332
00:25:32,931 --> 00:25:36,298
and discards them like some used tissue!
333
00:25:36,434 --> 00:25:38,595
That's very poetic, Richie!
334
00:25:38,737 --> 00:25:41,729
Sod off! Go on! Sod off!
335
00:25:41,873 --> 00:25:45,104
Get to soddery! It's all your fault!
336
00:25:45,243 --> 00:25:50,340
Sod off yourself, yer great fat git!
It's me that just lost 10,000 quid!
337
00:25:50,482 --> 00:25:53,349
- Half of it was mine!
- It bloody well was not!
338
00:25:53,485 --> 00:25:56,215
Do you think I'm going to lie
around the sun-drenched Caribbean
339
00:25:56,354 --> 00:25:59,653
with dusky maidens fulfilling every sordid whim
340
00:25:59,791 --> 00:26:03,454
with a fat, blotchy white walrus
lying next to me,
341
00:26:03,595 --> 00:26:09,261
blathering on about himself
and spoiling the atmos? No, I'm bloody not!
342
00:26:13,738 --> 00:26:17,970
Thank you very much, Edward.
You learn something every day.
343
00:26:18,109 --> 00:26:22,102
Today I learnt that you're a complete bastard!
344
00:26:22,247 --> 00:26:26,047
I think I might turn in now.
I feel so enriched
345
00:26:26,184 --> 00:26:28,744
Nighty-night, Eddie!
346
00:26:30,789 --> 00:26:33,849
Why can't we ever bloody win anything?
347
00:26:33,992 --> 00:26:39,726
Don't be stupid, Richie.
People like us aren't meant to win things.
348
00:26:39,864 --> 00:26:42,765
What are we meant to do, then?
349
00:26:42,901 --> 00:26:48,771
Look, you get born, keep your head down
and then you die - if you're lucky!
350
00:26:48,907 --> 00:26:53,105
Come on! There must be more to it than that!
351
00:26:54,713 --> 00:26:56,704
Well, there's the telly.
352
00:26:56,848 --> 00:26:59,009
Well, there was.
353
00:26:59,150 --> 00:27:03,644
- Shall I switch the gas on?
354
00:27:06,491 --> 00:27:08,425
What do you mean?
355
00:27:08,560 --> 00:27:11,393
Go on. Top yourself.
356
00:27:13,064 --> 00:27:17,125
The telly's bust. It'd be
a good bit of entertainment!
357
00:27:20,639 --> 00:27:24,541
I know you're just trying to cheer me up!
358
00:27:24,676 --> 00:27:28,874
And you're right. You have to laugh,
don't you? Ha, ha, ha!
359
00:27:29,014 --> 00:27:31,744
No, you don't, really!
360
00:27:31,883 --> 00:27:35,910
It's no good. I think I've reached my bottom.
361
00:27:37,055 --> 00:27:41,685
What we couldn't have done
with ten thousand grands!
362
00:27:41,826 --> 00:27:44,021
Well...
363
00:27:46,598 --> 00:27:49,726
We couldn't have done anything. You see...
364
00:27:50,735 --> 00:27:53,898
...I never put the bet on!
365
00:27:54,039 --> 00:27:58,669
I just said I did so that you'd
insist we watch "Miss World".
366
00:27:59,678 --> 00:28:02,977
Where's the missing tenner, then?
367
00:28:03,114 --> 00:28:06,413
I saw you picking your veg
as I went out this morning,
368
00:28:06,551 --> 00:28:10,920
so I thought I'd better have
a slap-up grill before I came home!
369
00:28:12,090 --> 00:28:14,183
Yum, yum!
28837
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