All language subtitles for The Good Place - 03x05 - The Ballad of Donkey Doug.S03E06.HDTV.x264-SVA
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1
00:00:03,952 --> 00:00:05,052
Okay. Okay. Okay.
2
00:00:05,086 --> 00:00:06,553
Let's do sophomore year high school.
3
00:00:06,601 --> 00:00:08,823
- Nathan Burlingame.
- Didn't like you.
4
00:00:08,825 --> 00:00:10,958
Huh. Kylie Mansard.
5
00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:12,772
Thought you were cool but intimidating.
6
00:00:12,803 --> 00:00:15,771
No way. I thought
she was intimidating.
7
00:00:15,773 --> 00:00:17,940
That's why I shoved her into that creek.
8
00:00:17,942 --> 00:00:20,409
Well, after my chili episode,
9
00:00:20,411 --> 00:00:22,745
I asked the administration
for a one-year sabbatical
10
00:00:22,747 --> 00:00:24,012
and, good news,
11
00:00:24,014 --> 00:00:25,681
they fired me.
12
00:00:25,683 --> 00:00:28,984
So I am free and easy.
13
00:00:28,986 --> 00:00:30,686
Well, the rest of the Soul Squad
14
00:00:30,688 --> 00:00:32,354
is off helping Jason's dad.
15
00:00:32,356 --> 00:00:34,022
Who are we saving?
16
00:00:34,024 --> 00:00:36,291
No one from my high school,
I will tell you that much.
17
00:00:36,293 --> 00:00:38,927
Well, before we do anything,
18
00:00:38,929 --> 00:00:41,029
I have to break things off with Simone.
19
00:00:41,031 --> 00:00:42,865
If I slip up and tell her
about the universe,
20
00:00:42,867 --> 00:00:44,700
it could doom her for eternity,
21
00:00:44,702 --> 00:00:46,802
and I've avoided
talking to her for so long,
22
00:00:46,804 --> 00:00:48,937
she assumed I had laryngitis,
and it went too far,
23
00:00:48,939 --> 00:00:51,707
- and now I'm on antibiotics.
- Okay, settle down.
24
00:00:51,709 --> 00:00:53,995
Your moral code means
you can't lie, right?
25
00:00:54,845 --> 00:00:56,945
You need to just ghost her. Disappear.
26
00:00:56,947 --> 00:00:59,648
Block her number.
Bonus, anything she left
27
00:00:59,650 --> 00:01:01,450
in your apartment
now legally belongs to you.
28
00:01:01,452 --> 00:01:02,718
I've done that to dozens of people,
29
00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:04,620
and all of them got over it.
30
00:01:04,622 --> 00:01:06,688
Actually, none of your exes
have ever gotten over you.
31
00:01:06,690 --> 00:01:08,357
You're damn right they didn't.
32
00:01:08,359 --> 00:01:10,559
I just wish I could end things in a way
33
00:01:10,561 --> 00:01:12,394
that I knew wouldn't hurt her.
34
00:01:12,396 --> 00:01:13,695
Bing!
35
00:01:14,565 --> 00:01:15,964
I usually appear out of thin air
36
00:01:15,966 --> 00:01:17,866
and there would be
a pleasant bing sound,
37
00:01:17,868 --> 00:01:21,470
but I don't have my powers,
so I'm doing my own bings now.
38
00:01:21,472 --> 00:01:23,338
Bing!
39
00:01:24,074 --> 00:01:26,742
Chidi, what if I could create
a virtual reality simulation
40
00:01:26,744 --> 00:01:28,811
where you could practice
different breakup scenarios?
41
00:01:28,813 --> 00:01:30,646
- You can do that?
- I think so.
42
00:01:30,648 --> 00:01:32,881
I do know everything about you
and Simone
43
00:01:32,883 --> 00:01:35,083
and computer programming
and virtual reality
44
00:01:35,085 --> 00:01:36,819
and artificial intelligence
and the human brain
45
00:01:36,821 --> 00:01:37,920
and everything else.
46
00:01:37,922 --> 00:01:39,488
I'm kind of a nerd.
47
00:01:39,490 --> 00:01:41,523
I'll start building the simulator now.
48
00:01:41,525 --> 00:01:42,991
Bing!
49
00:01:46,497 --> 00:01:49,565
Don't... Turn around.
50
00:01:49,567 --> 00:01:51,767
It's embarrassing.
51
00:01:51,769 --> 00:01:53,083
Bing.
52
00:01:53,138 --> 00:01:57,919
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed
.com
53
00:02:02,346 --> 00:02:05,447
Jacksonville, what up?
54
00:02:05,449 --> 00:02:09,451
- Duval!
- Duval!
55
00:02:09,453 --> 00:02:11,019
Poor Larry.
56
00:02:11,021 --> 00:02:12,754
But...
57
00:02:12,756 --> 00:02:16,058
"If you love someone set them free."
58
00:02:16,060 --> 00:02:18,026
My good friend and yoga pupil Sting,
59
00:02:18,028 --> 00:02:20,095
no last initial, told me that.
60
00:02:20,097 --> 00:02:21,530
I can't wait to show you guys
61
00:02:21,532 --> 00:02:23,031
all the cool sites in Jacksonville.
62
00:02:23,033 --> 00:02:26,368
Like, that swamp is where me,
Pillboi, and Donkey Doug
63
00:02:26,370 --> 00:02:27,970
used to stand and try and blind pilots
64
00:02:27,972 --> 00:02:29,571
with laser pointers, and...
65
00:02:29,573 --> 00:02:32,040
Maybe we should do the tour after we,
66
00:02:32,042 --> 00:02:34,710
you know, save your father's soul.
67
00:02:34,712 --> 00:02:36,144
Oh, I've been meaning to ask.
68
00:02:36,146 --> 00:02:37,980
Why are you trying to save your father?
69
00:02:37,982 --> 00:02:41,116
I've heard you mention
your friend Pillboi many times,
70
00:02:41,118 --> 00:02:42,951
but you've not mentioned
your father once.
71
00:02:42,953 --> 00:02:44,386
What do you mean?
72
00:02:44,388 --> 00:02:46,421
I talk about Donkey Doug all the time.
73
00:02:49,894 --> 00:02:52,594
I'm sorry. The man you call
74
00:02:52,596 --> 00:02:54,997
Donkey Doug is your father?
75
00:02:54,999 --> 00:02:56,498
Yeah.
76
00:02:56,500 --> 00:02:57,966
The Donkey Doug with whom you tried
77
00:02:57,968 --> 00:03:00,669
to blind airline pilots
with laser pointers?
78
00:03:00,671 --> 00:03:02,905
- Yeah.
- The Donkey Doug who's banned
79
00:03:02,907 --> 00:03:06,074
from Disney World
for biting Buzz Lightyear?
80
00:03:06,076 --> 00:03:08,710
In his defense,
he thought it was someone else.
81
00:03:09,914 --> 00:03:11,613
Who?
82
00:03:11,615 --> 00:03:14,750
So Michael and I have a plan
to save my dad.
83
00:03:14,752 --> 00:03:17,653
My whole life, Donkey Doug
was always getting in trouble
84
00:03:17,655 --> 00:03:20,522
because of some get-rich-quick scheme.
85
00:03:20,524 --> 00:03:22,157
He sold counterfeit truck nuts.
86
00:03:22,159 --> 00:03:24,426
He created a sport
that was a cross between
87
00:03:24,428 --> 00:03:26,929
dodgeball and horseshoes
and everybody died.
88
00:03:26,931 --> 00:03:28,931
- He glued...
- This should be easy.
89
00:03:28,933 --> 00:03:30,832
We have plenty of money.
90
00:03:30,834 --> 00:03:33,135
If we just give him money,
he'll blow it.
91
00:03:33,137 --> 00:03:35,170
He's gotta feel like he did it himself.
92
00:03:35,172 --> 00:03:37,773
A few years ago, Donkey Doug
was very close
93
00:03:37,775 --> 00:03:39,775
to getting his electrician's license.
94
00:03:39,777 --> 00:03:42,177
So if we get him to finish the training,
95
00:03:42,179 --> 00:03:44,146
he can earn an honest living
and be on his way
96
00:03:44,148 --> 00:03:46,181
to getting more Good Place points,
97
00:03:46,183 --> 00:03:48,650
which is why we're all here.
98
00:03:48,652 --> 00:03:51,486
Okay, let's go save my dad.
99
00:03:51,488 --> 00:03:53,155
Taxi!
100
00:03:58,662 --> 00:04:00,829
- Ha!
- Need help with your bags?
101
00:04:00,831 --> 00:04:02,097
Nah, I got it.
102
00:04:04,969 --> 00:04:08,804
- Oh, damn, Jason!
- Oh, dude, Donkey Doug!
103
00:04:08,806 --> 00:04:11,039
You call him Donkey Doug in person?
104
00:04:11,041 --> 00:04:12,507
Me and Jason are cool like that.
105
00:04:12,509 --> 00:04:14,076
I don't think of him as my son.
106
00:04:14,078 --> 00:04:16,645
I think of him as my boy!
107
00:04:16,647 --> 00:04:19,081
I mean, I
am your boy.
108
00:04:19,083 --> 00:04:20,582
Yeah, but it's more like,
109
00:04:20,584 --> 00:04:22,150
"That's my son right there, son."
110
00:04:22,152 --> 00:04:24,853
But not like, "Son, son."
111
00:04:24,855 --> 00:04:27,255
But like, "My boy." But not like...
112
00:04:27,257 --> 00:04:29,157
Yes, yes, we get it. Thank you.
113
00:04:29,159 --> 00:04:31,593
Oh, this is my friend Michael.
114
00:04:31,595 --> 00:04:33,495
Oh, crap. You look like a cop.
115
00:04:33,497 --> 00:04:35,263
Are you a cop? Because if you are,
116
00:04:35,265 --> 00:04:36,865
you have to tell me,
and you're not allowed
117
00:04:36,867 --> 00:04:38,166
to arrest me for anything you saw
118
00:04:38,168 --> 00:04:40,235
before I knew you were a cop.
119
00:04:40,237 --> 00:04:43,205
- I-I'm not a police officer.
- Yeah, Michael's cool.
120
00:04:43,207 --> 00:04:46,074
And this is Tahani,
who is my wife, I guess.
121
00:04:46,076 --> 00:04:48,677
Dang, nice pull, son!
122
00:04:48,679 --> 00:04:50,212
How about you and me
go check out my Jacuzzi
123
00:04:50,214 --> 00:04:52,080
and put stuff in each other?
124
00:04:52,082 --> 00:04:54,583
Again, I'm his wife.
125
00:04:54,585 --> 00:04:58,086
Wow, that's the first time
that line has ever failed.
126
00:04:58,088 --> 00:05:00,188
You must really love him.
127
00:05:00,190 --> 00:05:03,191
Welcome to the family! Come on in!
128
00:05:03,193 --> 00:05:04,793
This program knows everything about
129
00:05:04,795 --> 00:05:06,895
your personality, Simone's personality,
130
00:05:06,897 --> 00:05:08,697
and all human relationships.
131
00:05:08,699 --> 00:05:10,966
It can't tell you exactly
what will happen,
132
00:05:10,968 --> 00:05:12,734
but it will approximate
Simone's reaction
133
00:05:12,736 --> 00:05:13,969
to anything you say to her.
134
00:05:13,971 --> 00:05:16,605
Plus, it has Tetris.
135
00:05:16,607 --> 00:05:19,207
Hmm, would this work with, say, me
136
00:05:19,209 --> 00:05:20,909
and, say, Jason Statham
137
00:05:20,911 --> 00:05:23,712
and instead of a café, it was, say,
138
00:05:23,714 --> 00:05:26,882
a room with a futon
and a bunch of Red Bull?
139
00:05:26,884 --> 00:05:29,051
Why is it that every time
a new thing is invented,
140
00:05:29,053 --> 00:05:31,820
humans immediately
try to use it for porn?
141
00:05:31,822 --> 00:05:33,655
- Because we're disgusting.
- Huh.
142
00:05:33,657 --> 00:05:35,223
Eleanor and I will be watching
on the monitor.
143
00:05:35,225 --> 00:05:37,726
We'll see what you see.
Put these in your ears.
144
00:05:37,728 --> 00:05:39,061
They'll play a tone
that will trick your brain
145
00:05:39,063 --> 00:05:41,129
into seeing what I've programmed.
146
00:05:42,900 --> 00:05:44,733
Ah...
147
00:05:45,903 --> 00:05:48,804
Wow, so this is...
148
00:05:48,806 --> 00:05:51,606
- I'm here.
- Hey, babe.
149
00:05:51,608 --> 00:05:53,241
What did you want to talk about?
150
00:05:53,243 --> 00:05:55,333
Go ahead, Chidi, practice
what you want to say to her.
151
00:05:55,334 --> 00:05:56,755
Right. Um...
152
00:05:56,780 --> 00:05:58,580
Simone, this has been the best year
153
00:05:58,582 --> 00:06:00,248
of my life because of you.
154
00:06:00,250 --> 00:06:04,619
Unfortunately, I have come
to learn some information,
155
00:06:04,621 --> 00:06:08,757
and it means that we have
to end this relationship.
156
00:06:08,759 --> 00:06:10,859
- What information?
- I...
157
00:06:10,861 --> 00:06:12,961
- can't say.
- Why not?
158
00:06:12,963 --> 00:06:14,963
I-I can't say.
159
00:06:14,965 --> 00:06:16,865
Well, you've either gone crazy,
160
00:06:16,867 --> 00:06:18,300
or you're too much of a coward
to tell me how you feel.
161
00:06:18,302 --> 00:06:21,803
- Which is it?
- I-I can't because of...
162
00:06:21,805 --> 00:06:23,939
- Janet!
- Who's Janet?
163
00:06:23,941 --> 00:06:25,674
And why are you screaming
her name into the sky?
164
00:06:25,676 --> 00:06:27,008
You know what? Whatever.
165
00:06:27,010 --> 00:06:29,644
- Good-bye, Chidi.
- No. No. No. Wait...
166
00:06:29,646 --> 00:06:32,147
So...
167
00:06:32,149 --> 00:06:34,216
- that didn't go great.
- I disagree.
168
00:06:34,218 --> 00:06:36,184
I thought it was hilarious.
169
00:06:36,186 --> 00:06:39,121
So, Donkey Doug, Jason told us about
170
00:06:39,123 --> 00:06:41,056
your electrician license, and we have
171
00:06:41,058 --> 00:06:42,891
a career opportunity for you.
172
00:06:42,893 --> 00:06:44,693
Yo, later for that.
173
00:06:44,695 --> 00:06:47,696
I got a business proposition for you.
174
00:06:47,698 --> 00:06:49,364
Pillboi!
175
00:06:50,334 --> 00:06:53,301
- Oh, dip! Jason!
- Oh, dip! Pillboi!
176
00:06:53,303 --> 00:06:55,837
- Oh, dip! Pillboi!
- Oh, dip! Donkey Doug!
177
00:06:55,839 --> 00:06:57,839
- Oh, dip! Jason!
- This is remarkable.
178
00:06:57,841 --> 00:07:00,408
- It explains so much.
- Oh, dip! Pillboi!
179
00:07:00,410 --> 00:07:01,910
Jason, I thought you were dead.
180
00:07:01,912 --> 00:07:04,045
But I was alive. I was in Australia.
181
00:07:04,047 --> 00:07:05,413
I talked to you on the phone last week.
182
00:07:05,415 --> 00:07:08,049
- Yeah, but I forgot.
- Oh.
183
00:07:08,051 --> 00:07:10,085
Me and Pillboi have been cooking up
184
00:07:10,087 --> 00:07:12,087
something real special.
185
00:07:12,089 --> 00:07:14,856
And this time, it's not fake meth.
186
00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:19,261
All right, Pillboi,
tell him about our new product.
187
00:07:19,263 --> 00:07:21,429
Sharks, how much do you spend on
188
00:07:21,431 --> 00:07:24,065
energy drinks and body spray
in one week?
189
00:07:24,067 --> 00:07:25,333
Three hundred dollars?
190
00:07:25,335 --> 00:07:27,002
Ten hundred dollars?
191
00:07:27,004 --> 00:07:28,703
What if I told you there was a product
192
00:07:28,705 --> 00:07:32,340
that combined these two things
for one solution
193
00:07:32,342 --> 00:07:35,844
to all of life's problems and more?
194
00:07:35,846 --> 00:07:38,346
I give to you Double Trouble!
195
00:07:38,348 --> 00:07:42,184
The world's first
energy drink/body spray.
196
00:07:42,186 --> 00:07:44,752
So do you spray it on yourself,
197
00:07:44,777 --> 00:07:46,021
or do you drink it?
198
00:07:46,023 --> 00:07:48,690
- You both it.
- This is the one, Jason.
199
00:07:48,692 --> 00:07:50,692
We're gonna be so rich.
200
00:07:50,694 --> 00:07:52,194
I'll finally be able to pay to have
201
00:07:52,196 --> 00:07:55,030
my calf implants moved back up
from my feet.
202
00:07:55,032 --> 00:07:56,865
This is gonna be a lot
tougher than we thought.
203
00:07:56,867 --> 00:07:58,466
Tell me about it.
204
00:07:58,468 --> 00:08:00,902
Double Trouble sounds amazing.
We should bid fast.
205
00:08:00,904 --> 00:08:02,771
The other sharks are gonna want in.
206
00:08:05,175 --> 00:08:08,808
So I just have to be simple,
honest, and declarative
207
00:08:08,847 --> 00:08:10,981
and somehow still protect her feelings.
208
00:08:10,983 --> 00:08:12,282
I don't know, man.
209
00:08:12,284 --> 00:08:13,544
Maybe just tell her that you're gay.
210
00:08:13,569 --> 00:08:15,676
- I'm not gay.
- Fine, bi.
211
00:08:15,708 --> 00:08:17,550
- I'm not bi either.
- Why not?
212
00:08:17,575 --> 00:08:19,876
More guys should be bi. It's 2018.
213
00:08:19,878 --> 00:08:21,745
It's like, get over yourselves.
214
00:08:21,747 --> 00:08:23,747
Is there any way I can try
215
00:08:23,749 --> 00:08:26,011
a bunch of different things in a row
216
00:08:26,051 --> 00:08:27,584
- to see what works?
- Bing.
217
00:08:27,586 --> 00:08:30,214
Sure, if you want to reset,
just snap your fingers.
218
00:08:30,239 --> 00:08:32,741
Also, I made some modifications
to the tone,
219
00:08:32,757 --> 00:08:34,590
so it should make
your transition easier.
220
00:08:34,592 --> 00:08:36,092
Oh.
221
00:08:39,097 --> 00:08:41,563
Mm!
222
00:08:41,866 --> 00:08:44,149
Hey, babe.
223
00:08:44,313 --> 00:08:45,579
What did you want to talk about?
224
00:08:45,626 --> 00:08:47,743
Well, I don't love you anymore.
225
00:08:47,795 --> 00:08:50,595
- What?
- No, no. You don't understand.
226
00:08:50,597 --> 00:08:54,666
I don't technically love you
in the same way
227
00:08:54,668 --> 00:08:57,335
because of circumstances.
228
00:08:57,337 --> 00:08:58,770
What?
229
00:08:58,772 --> 00:09:00,439
Hang on.
230
00:09:01,008 --> 00:09:03,375
I don't know how to tell you this,
231
00:09:03,377 --> 00:09:05,544
but I'm dying.
232
00:09:05,546 --> 00:09:07,546
- No, you're not.
- Yes, I am.
233
00:09:07,548 --> 00:09:10,515
Because we're all dying slowly,
when you think about it.
234
00:09:10,517 --> 00:09:12,017
We start dying the moment we're born.
235
00:09:12,019 --> 00:09:14,085
So not a lie.
236
00:09:16,023 --> 00:09:18,790
Okay, here it is.
237
00:09:18,792 --> 00:09:20,926
I'm just gonna be perfectly honest.
238
00:09:21,795 --> 00:09:25,697
My real name is Special Agent
Rick Justice, FBI.
239
00:09:25,699 --> 00:09:28,700
Nope.
240
00:09:28,702 --> 00:09:30,836
Simone...
241
00:09:30,838 --> 00:09:33,038
the last year has been
242
00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:36,708
truly amazing, and with that in mind...
243
00:09:39,413 --> 00:09:42,547
- Will you marry me?
- Yes! Yes!
244
00:09:42,549 --> 00:09:44,649
Of course I will! Oh!
245
00:09:46,386 --> 00:09:47,686
Wait, what am I doing?
246
00:09:47,688 --> 00:09:49,688
Why did I think this would work?
247
00:09:49,690 --> 00:09:51,590
Chidi, I'm gonna go ahead
and reboot this one myself.
248
00:09:51,592 --> 00:09:52,891
Yeah, good call.
249
00:09:52,893 --> 00:09:54,993
- So, Simone...
- Wait.
250
00:09:54,995 --> 00:09:56,862
Before you say anything,
251
00:09:56,864 --> 00:09:59,097
- I think we should break up.
- You do?
252
00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:01,099
Yes, I love and respect you very much,
253
00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:03,702
but we're heading
in different directions.
254
00:10:03,704 --> 00:10:06,071
And don't worry, we don't have
to make a big thing of it.
255
00:10:06,073 --> 00:10:08,073
Oh, my God. Okay. This is the one.
256
00:10:08,075 --> 00:10:09,608
Remember everything.
Right leg crossed over left.
257
00:10:09,610 --> 00:10:11,076
Coffee's right there.
258
00:10:11,078 --> 00:10:14,579
Oh, one more thing. Suck it, you doink.
259
00:10:14,581 --> 00:10:16,181
Sorry?
260
00:10:16,183 --> 00:10:18,583
This is Eleanor, you idiot.
261
00:10:18,585 --> 00:10:19,851
Janet let me mess with the simulator
262
00:10:19,853 --> 00:10:21,019
to screw with you.
263
00:10:21,021 --> 00:10:22,754
- Janet, come on!
- Hi, Chidi.
264
00:10:22,756 --> 00:10:25,524
This is Janet now.
Sorry, it won't happen again.
265
00:10:25,526 --> 00:10:27,592
- Thank you.
- Psych! It's still Eleanor!
266
00:10:27,594 --> 00:10:30,095
I can't believe you fell
for that, you doink.
267
00:10:31,732 --> 00:10:34,599
We need to break up, but here's a puppy.
268
00:10:34,601 --> 00:10:36,468
Aw! Wait, what?
269
00:10:36,470 --> 00:10:37,869
He's a puppy, it's over between us,
270
00:10:37,871 --> 00:10:39,437
and he's cute.
271
00:10:39,439 --> 00:10:40,906
Do you think I don't hear the bad parts
272
00:10:40,908 --> 00:10:42,440
- of these sentences?
- His name is Martin,
273
00:10:42,442 --> 00:10:45,744
I need my keys back, and he's a puppy.
274
00:10:45,746 --> 00:10:47,646
You are very bad at this.
275
00:10:47,648 --> 00:10:49,114
That's because I don't actually want
276
00:10:49,116 --> 00:10:50,782
- to break up with her.
- What, do you need me
277
00:10:50,784 --> 00:10:52,217
to break up with her for you
278
00:10:52,219 --> 00:10:53,618
like we're in middle school
or something?
279
00:10:53,620 --> 00:10:55,987
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yes, please.
280
00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:57,956
- Do that for me. Please.
- Fine.
281
00:11:00,494 --> 00:11:01,960
Hey, Eleanor.
282
00:11:01,962 --> 00:11:03,261
Hey.
283
00:11:03,263 --> 00:11:04,930
What did you want to talk about?
284
00:11:04,932 --> 00:11:06,998
Well, first of all, you and Chidi
285
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:08,266
are so great together.
286
00:11:08,268 --> 00:11:10,569
He really loves you, and I can see why.
287
00:11:10,571 --> 00:11:13,572
You know, you're brilliant,
charming, obviously gorgeous.
288
00:11:13,574 --> 00:11:16,374
- Aw, you're sweet to say that.
- And your accent is so cute.
289
00:11:16,399 --> 00:11:17,884
Your accent is so cute.
290
00:11:17,911 --> 00:11:20,178
What? I don't think I have an accent.
291
00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:22,047
I don't think I have an accent.
292
00:11:22,049 --> 00:11:23,181
Stop it!
293
00:11:29,756 --> 00:11:34,259
What is happening?
294
00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:38,129
No! No. This is over.
295
00:11:38,131 --> 00:11:40,965
Whoa, man, come on.
It was just getting good.
296
00:11:40,967 --> 00:11:42,967
Let's remember the mission.
297
00:11:42,969 --> 00:11:46,805
Your father needs to focus
on long-term stability.
298
00:11:46,807 --> 00:11:49,140
Also, and perhaps
this is less important,
299
00:11:49,142 --> 00:11:52,110
but there's an awful lot
of dog hair on the furniture,
300
00:11:52,112 --> 00:11:54,312
and I have not seen a dog.
301
00:11:54,314 --> 00:11:56,247
Not bad, right?
302
00:11:56,249 --> 00:11:59,284
Double Trouble comes in
three delicious smell-flavors:
303
00:11:59,286 --> 00:12:02,787
Raspberry Perspirant,
Cedarwood Melon Blast,
304
00:12:02,789 --> 00:12:06,124
and 24-Hour Lemon Musk Xtreme.
305
00:12:06,126 --> 00:12:08,393
That one is also a lube.
306
00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:11,663
Look, Donkey Doug,
Double Trouble is dope.
307
00:12:11,665 --> 00:12:14,099
On that much, we can all agree on.
308
00:12:14,101 --> 00:12:16,434
But you got to think long-term.
309
00:12:16,436 --> 00:12:18,803
You were good at electricity stuff.
310
00:12:18,805 --> 00:12:20,138
You hooked us up
with free porno channels
311
00:12:20,140 --> 00:12:22,807
every year ever since the third grade.
312
00:12:22,809 --> 00:12:24,342
It's good, honest work.
313
00:12:24,344 --> 00:12:26,978
Honest work? Whatever, Dad.
314
00:12:26,980 --> 00:12:29,114
You're his dad.
315
00:12:29,116 --> 00:12:30,982
This is huge, J.
316
00:12:30,984 --> 00:12:33,251
When Double Trouble pops off,
I'll be able to quit my job
317
00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:35,120
at the old folks' home.
318
00:12:35,122 --> 00:12:36,988
Buy a big-ass mansion.
319
00:12:36,990 --> 00:12:38,289
Every day, I'll wake up,
320
00:12:38,291 --> 00:12:40,658
get out of bed, brush my teeth,
321
00:12:40,660 --> 00:12:42,794
rinse, go downstairs,
322
00:12:42,796 --> 00:12:44,763
open the fridge, "Damn, we out of milk,"
323
00:12:44,765 --> 00:12:45,997
get in my car...
324
00:12:45,999 --> 00:12:47,165
You don't have to run through
325
00:12:47,167 --> 00:12:48,767
the whole imaginary day.
326
00:12:48,769 --> 00:12:50,969
Jason, I believe in Double Trouble.
327
00:12:50,971 --> 00:12:53,338
Why won't you believe in me?
328
00:12:56,343 --> 00:13:00,011
Well, I suppose a little
entrepreneurial spirit
329
00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:01,813
never hurt anyone.
330
00:13:01,815 --> 00:13:04,482
You know, reach for the stars,
as I said to my good friend
331
00:13:04,484 --> 00:13:06,284
Elon Musk.
332
00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:08,987
And then he shot his car into space.
333
00:13:08,989 --> 00:13:11,790
What a weird creep.
Why was I friends with him?
334
00:13:11,792 --> 00:13:15,226
Maybe this is what'll put
your father on the right path.
335
00:13:15,228 --> 00:13:18,329
And, hey, it's not like
he's robbing a bank.
336
00:13:18,331 --> 00:13:20,431
Yeah, it's a factory.
337
00:13:21,501 --> 00:13:23,201
- Excuse me?
- Tonight we're gonna
338
00:13:23,203 --> 00:13:25,403
steal some energy drinks
from an energy drink factory,
339
00:13:25,405 --> 00:13:27,305
then still some cologne
from a cologne factory.
340
00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:30,008
So it's actually two factories.
341
00:13:30,010 --> 00:13:32,243
Then we just got to bottle it all up.
342
00:13:32,245 --> 00:13:34,412
Ah, dip, we gotta rob a bottle factory.
343
00:13:34,414 --> 00:13:37,215
- Three factories.
- Three factories.
344
00:13:37,217 --> 00:13:39,517
Stupid Donkey Doug.
345
00:13:39,519 --> 00:13:41,886
I mean, two factories I can understand,
346
00:13:41,888 --> 00:13:43,354
but... but three?
347
00:13:43,356 --> 00:13:45,023
You... you might want to consider
348
00:13:45,025 --> 00:13:48,793
the possibility that
your father's a lost cause.
349
00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:52,163
I have an idea, but I need your help.
350
00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:54,732
Will you guys help me?
351
00:13:54,734 --> 00:13:57,697
I mean, yeah, that...
that's why we're here, Jason.
352
00:13:57,722 --> 00:13:58,808
What's your idea, darling?
353
00:13:58,833 --> 00:14:01,306
We're gonna save Pillboi.
354
00:14:02,761 --> 00:14:05,105
Okay, real life. I think I'm ready.
355
00:14:05,160 --> 00:14:07,661
I've analyzed the ten
most successful scenarios
356
00:14:07,663 --> 00:14:08,936
and compiled the statistically
357
00:14:08,961 --> 00:14:10,287
most effective breakup strategy.
358
00:14:10,319 --> 00:14:11,951
Who said you weren't a romantic?
359
00:14:11,999 --> 00:14:13,131
Every girlfriend I've ever had.
360
00:14:13,133 --> 00:14:14,666
Ooh, there she is. Okay.
361
00:14:14,668 --> 00:14:16,668
Wish me luck.
362
00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:23,241
- Oh, hi. Uh...
- Is something wrong?
363
00:14:23,243 --> 00:14:25,477
No, it's just
that we're usually over there.
364
00:14:26,547 --> 00:14:28,680
Doesn't matter.
365
00:14:28,682 --> 00:14:32,084
Okay, so I've spent
366
00:14:32,086 --> 00:14:33,518
a lot of time thinking about everything
367
00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:35,087
that's happened in the last year...
368
00:14:35,089 --> 00:14:36,922
Hi there, what can I get you to drink?
369
00:14:36,924 --> 00:14:38,090
I'll have an iced tea, please.
370
00:14:38,092 --> 00:14:40,592
- Mm-hmm.
- Water, thanks.
371
00:14:40,594 --> 00:14:42,494
It's been a time of massive personal
372
00:14:42,496 --> 00:14:44,262
and professional growth...
373
00:14:44,264 --> 00:14:45,564
Sorry, sugar with that iced tea?
374
00:14:45,566 --> 00:14:47,265
- Yes, please.
- Right.
375
00:14:47,267 --> 00:14:49,601
All in all, it's been
overwhelmingly positive,
376
00:14:49,603 --> 00:14:52,170
and I think that's due
in large part to you...
377
00:14:52,172 --> 00:14:53,939
Sorry, real quick,
I'm gonna go on break,
378
00:14:53,941 --> 00:14:55,574
so Helmut will be taking care of you.
379
00:14:55,576 --> 00:14:57,109
Hello.
380
00:14:57,111 --> 00:14:58,725
Will you be eating with us today?
381
00:14:58,750 --> 00:15:00,250
Just please give us one second.
382
00:15:00,252 --> 00:15:02,185
Yeah, okay. One.
383
00:15:02,187 --> 00:15:04,254
That was one second. That was a joke.
384
00:15:04,256 --> 00:15:05,588
Please get out of here, Helmut!
385
00:15:05,590 --> 00:15:07,523
- Okay, yeah.
- All right, look, just...
386
00:15:07,525 --> 00:15:08,758
we need to break up.
387
00:15:08,760 --> 00:15:10,426
I am... I am breaking up with you.
388
00:15:10,428 --> 00:15:12,495
- Why?
- I can't... it's...
389
00:15:12,497 --> 00:15:14,697
it's complicated, but it's happening.
390
00:15:14,699 --> 00:15:16,165
Ya dumped.
391
00:15:18,270 --> 00:15:21,104
- Okay.
- Wait. Wait, no.
392
00:15:21,106 --> 00:15:22,772
Come back, please.
393
00:15:22,774 --> 00:15:25,708
- Yeah, okay! I'm back.
- Not you, Helmut.
394
00:15:28,580 --> 00:15:32,282
Hey, now, listen, Judy,
you can't mix xannys
395
00:15:32,284 --> 00:15:33,883
with these little pink fools.
396
00:15:33,885 --> 00:15:35,785
You'll be tripping balls
like Clarence was
397
00:15:35,787 --> 00:15:37,787
when he crawled into the ice machine.
398
00:15:37,789 --> 00:15:39,622
Here.
399
00:15:39,624 --> 00:15:41,557
Take half of one of these,
400
00:15:41,559 --> 00:15:43,926
wash it down with a 5-Hour ENERGY,
401
00:15:43,928 --> 00:15:45,461
and you'll be golden.
402
00:15:45,463 --> 00:15:47,597
Body high with mild visuals.
403
00:15:47,599 --> 00:15:49,565
Thanks, Pillboi.
404
00:15:49,567 --> 00:15:51,801
Yo, I gotta take off
405
00:15:51,803 --> 00:15:53,936
'cause I gotta go do a robbery.
406
00:15:53,938 --> 00:15:56,539
I mean... I'm sick.
407
00:15:58,910 --> 00:16:00,476
Hello, Pillboi.
408
00:16:00,478 --> 00:16:02,278
I'm here on behalf of Jason.
409
00:16:02,280 --> 00:16:03,780
You won't be attending
410
00:16:03,782 --> 00:16:06,449
the job with Donkey Doug today.
411
00:16:06,451 --> 00:16:08,785
There's been a change of plans.
412
00:16:08,787 --> 00:16:10,553
Okay.
413
00:16:11,389 --> 00:16:12,755
That's it?
414
00:16:12,757 --> 00:16:15,224
You don't need any more information?
415
00:16:15,226 --> 00:16:17,160
I mean, do you want to tell me?
416
00:16:17,162 --> 00:16:19,462
- Not really.
- Cool.
417
00:16:20,298 --> 00:16:21,731
Want some pills?
418
00:16:24,169 --> 00:16:26,302
I hate this. What if I ruined her?
419
00:16:26,304 --> 00:16:27,470
What if I sent her down the wrong path
420
00:16:27,472 --> 00:16:29,172
and she ends up in the Bad Place?
421
00:16:29,174 --> 00:16:31,808
I have to undo what I did.
Janet, fire up the simulator.
422
00:16:31,810 --> 00:16:33,576
Dude, no more simulations.
423
00:16:33,578 --> 00:16:35,645
Just talk to her.
424
00:16:35,647 --> 00:16:38,614
Breakups never end
with both people feeling great.
425
00:16:38,616 --> 00:16:41,584
But she's a badass, and her world
426
00:16:41,586 --> 00:16:43,519
is bigger than your relationship.
427
00:16:43,521 --> 00:16:45,521
She'll recover.
428
00:16:45,523 --> 00:16:46,923
Just go.
429
00:16:46,925 --> 00:16:49,192
Be a person.
430
00:16:49,194 --> 00:16:50,693
Right.
431
00:16:50,695 --> 00:16:52,261
Here I go.
432
00:16:54,866 --> 00:16:57,367
Janet, can I use the simulator?
433
00:16:57,369 --> 00:16:59,702
There's a very specific
Lenny Kravitz concert
434
00:16:59,704 --> 00:17:01,804
- I want to be front row at.
- Sure.
435
00:17:01,806 --> 00:17:03,673
FYI, when the system boots up,
436
00:17:03,675 --> 00:17:05,708
you might find yourself in a steam room
437
00:17:05,710 --> 00:17:08,978
with Jason, who will be wearing
an old-timey strongman onesie.
438
00:17:08,980 --> 00:17:11,347
It's a bug in the system.
439
00:17:14,686 --> 00:17:15,885
Pillboi?
440
00:17:15,887 --> 00:17:18,955
No, it's me, Pillboi's friend Jason.
441
00:17:18,957 --> 00:17:20,790
Pillboi's not coming.
442
00:17:20,792 --> 00:17:22,558
If you're here to tell me
an energy drink body spray
443
00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:24,794
is a bad idea, I've heard it before
444
00:17:24,796 --> 00:17:26,562
from a bank and some doctors.
445
00:17:26,564 --> 00:17:28,464
I'ma help you make Double Trouble,
446
00:17:28,466 --> 00:17:31,334
but you got to leave Pillboi
alone from now on.
447
00:17:31,336 --> 00:17:33,236
I'm trying to save him.
448
00:17:33,238 --> 00:17:36,572
Oh, dip. You got religious and shiz?
449
00:17:36,574 --> 00:17:39,409
- Amen.
- Amen.
450
00:17:39,411 --> 00:17:41,511
Okay, hurry up
and get this crap in my truck.
451
00:17:42,914 --> 00:17:44,313
Jacksonville Police!
452
00:17:44,315 --> 00:17:46,549
Come out with your hands up!
453
00:17:46,551 --> 00:17:48,418
Are you a cop? 'Cause if you are,
454
00:17:48,420 --> 00:17:50,353
you have to tell us.
455
00:17:50,355 --> 00:17:52,321
Yes, this is the police.
456
00:17:52,323 --> 00:17:53,890
Yup, I knew it. It's the cops.
457
00:17:53,892 --> 00:17:56,025
What do we do?
Yo, let's get out of here.
458
00:17:56,027 --> 00:17:57,126
No.
459
00:17:58,430 --> 00:18:00,763
I know I haven't been
the best father in the world.
460
00:18:00,765 --> 00:18:03,599
I might not have even been
in the top five.
461
00:18:03,601 --> 00:18:05,902
I wanna make up for that.
462
00:18:05,904 --> 00:18:08,337
I'll distract 'em. You run out the back.
463
00:18:08,339 --> 00:18:09,439
No, that's crazy.
464
00:18:09,441 --> 00:18:10,606
It's what my dad did for me
465
00:18:10,608 --> 00:18:11,874
and his dad for him.
466
00:18:11,876 --> 00:18:13,443
And someday,
467
00:18:13,445 --> 00:18:15,445
you'll do this exact thing for your son.
468
00:18:15,447 --> 00:18:17,613
I mean, I hope not,
469
00:18:17,615 --> 00:18:20,049
but thanks, Donkey Doug.
470
00:18:20,051 --> 00:18:21,951
Hey...
471
00:18:21,953 --> 00:18:24,887
- call me Donkey Dad.
- Okay.
472
00:18:24,889 --> 00:18:26,622
Donkey Dad.
473
00:18:26,624 --> 00:18:30,460
Nah, that sounds wack.
Call me Donkey Doug.
474
00:18:30,462 --> 00:18:32,695
Cool.
475
00:18:35,900 --> 00:18:38,100
Bortles!
476
00:18:45,467 --> 00:18:48,306
Uh...
477
00:18:48,533 --> 00:18:51,261
Here's the truth. You're amazing.
478
00:18:52,019 --> 00:18:54,353
And my feelings have changed.
479
00:18:54,419 --> 00:18:55,952
I wish I could tell you why.
480
00:18:56,010 --> 00:18:58,813
I really, really do,
481
00:18:58,962 --> 00:19:00,954
but...
482
00:19:01,403 --> 00:19:03,102
I can't.
483
00:19:04,233 --> 00:19:06,166
Well...
484
00:19:06,301 --> 00:19:08,535
you seem to know what you want,
485
00:19:08,537 --> 00:19:10,569
which is rare for you.
486
00:19:10,688 --> 00:19:13,689
Well, I hope you keep the study going.
487
00:19:15,140 --> 00:19:17,240
Might help a lot of people.
488
00:19:18,477 --> 00:19:20,243
Well...
489
00:19:20,245 --> 00:19:21,644
see you in the next life.
490
00:19:21,646 --> 00:19:24,414
What? Why would you say that?
What do you know?
491
00:19:24,416 --> 00:19:26,483
It's a figure of speech.
492
00:19:26,485 --> 00:19:28,218
You're so weird, man.
493
00:19:28,220 --> 00:19:30,520
I think maybe this is for the best.
494
00:19:31,556 --> 00:19:34,624
So your covert mission is to continue
495
00:19:34,626 --> 00:19:36,259
to report to this job
496
00:19:36,261 --> 00:19:38,795
until you receive our signal.
497
00:19:38,797 --> 00:19:40,697
Now, this is the most important thing.
498
00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:44,634
You cannot commit any more crimes,
499
00:19:44,636 --> 00:19:47,470
and you must help these people
500
00:19:47,472 --> 00:19:49,906
as much as you can.
501
00:19:49,908 --> 00:19:52,642
- The mission depends on it.
- Roger that.
502
00:19:52,644 --> 00:19:55,178
Man, I can't believe this whole time,
503
00:19:55,180 --> 00:19:57,313
you guys were with NASA.
504
00:19:57,315 --> 00:20:01,451
Yes, we are secret astronaut spies.
505
00:20:01,453 --> 00:20:03,486
That is indeed what Jason told you.
506
00:20:04,623 --> 00:20:06,623
Take good care of these old fools,
507
00:20:06,625 --> 00:20:08,825
and stay out of trouble.
508
00:20:09,661 --> 00:20:11,194
I love you, bro.
509
00:20:11,196 --> 00:20:13,263
I love you, bro.
510
00:20:22,808 --> 00:20:24,307
- Psych.
- I got you, bro.
511
00:20:24,309 --> 00:20:26,543
- I got you, bro. Jag...
- ...uars...
512
00:20:26,545 --> 00:20:28,511
Rule.
513
00:20:35,654 --> 00:20:38,321
Well, my sister's museum
exhibit opens tomorrow.
514
00:20:38,323 --> 00:20:41,958
Are you all ready for some
Al-Jamil family reconciliation?
515
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:44,561
You know it, wifey.
Soul Squad is on a roll.
516
00:20:44,563 --> 00:20:46,329
I pretty much nailed that Pillboi thing,
517
00:20:46,331 --> 00:20:48,798
and I got closure with my dad,
Donkey Doug.
518
00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:50,667
That remains depressing,
519
00:20:50,669 --> 00:20:52,335
but I'm happy for you, bud.
520
00:20:52,337 --> 00:20:53,670
I never got to do that with my parents,
521
00:20:53,672 --> 00:20:57,340
and now they're both dead,
so it's impossible.
522
00:20:57,342 --> 00:21:00,910
So the thing is, one of your parents
523
00:21:00,912 --> 00:21:04,848
is not technically actually dead.
524
00:21:05,750 --> 00:21:07,750
- What are you talking about?
- Your mother's alive.
525
00:21:07,752 --> 00:21:10,787
She faked her own death.
526
00:21:12,224 --> 00:21:13,656
I'm sorry, Tahani, I don't think
527
00:21:13,658 --> 00:21:16,226
I'll be able to stay
with you here in Budapest.
528
00:21:16,228 --> 00:21:17,827
Turns out my mom isn't dead,
529
00:21:17,829 --> 00:21:20,430
so I need to fly back to America
530
00:21:20,432 --> 00:21:22,432
to murder her.
38033