Original subtitles

Hey.

You have chlamydia.

What?

I said, "You have chlamydia."

How do you know?

Because you rawdogged me. And I have chlamydia.

Excellent.

Your place is kind of gross.

Well, gee, I'm... I'm real embarrassed about that,

uh, woman who just gave me chlamydia.

Normally, I have a surprisingly tidy,

young black man come in

and clean up after me, but, um...

You know, I realize that just sounded like he was my servant.

He's not my servant.

Also just realized that it sounded like

I'd be surprised that a black man was tidy.

You know, I think I'm at my most problematic

before I've had my coffee.

Yeah. What are you talking about?

That's a good question.

My roommate recently moved out on me,

and I'm still adjusting to that.

You know? Doing pretty well overall.

Did I shit over there in that corner?

No. That was Rick.

Oh.

Seems like a very nice young man.

Oh, you have syphilis. You're welcome.

Maybe Rick does, too.

I don't remember every little thing

that happened here last night.

I think it's infected.

What?

- That. - Shit.

The hell is that?

It's two lizards 69ing each other.

Well, that's less than ideal.

Oh, boy.

Damn it. Man.

Oh.

Does anyone know where this guy keeps his drugs?

Hey. Hi.

Oh, Mr. Brockmire.

Oh, I hope you don't mind.

My students were hoping to observe.

It's not every day they get to see a case like this.

- What, you mean like a celebrity? - Sure.

Yeah, hey, more, the merrier, right?

It might help us if you could just take us

through the last few weeks.

Well, best I can remember,

I threw away my dream job,

and then I became the focal point

for a national conversation about race.

Oh, right.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm that guy.

Just, you know, out of curiosity,

how many of you are on my side in all that?

Alright. One, two.

And how many of you are on that racist Art Newlie's side?

Really?! Wow.

I mean, I know this is the South and everything,

but y'all, you're highly educated medical doctors.

You're not ashamed to admit that in public?

- Well... - Let's get back to you.

Well, I have definitely been in a cycle of blacking out

and waking up in very strange places lately.

Recently came to

at a strip club as it was closing.

It wasn't late... Just the health inspector

had walked in and shut the place down.

After that, I remember waking up

next to a young lady with very few inhibitions

and quite a lot of chlamydia.

But, well, you probably know that, right?

You got my chart right there.

You... You actually have two strains of chlamydia...

One on your penis and one in your throat.

Is that what I'm tasting? Oh, Rick, you sneaky bastard.

Well, you also have liver damage...

- Ugh... - blunt-force trauma, and scurvy,

which is actually why we're all here.

This is the only case we'll ever get to see

outside of a textbook.

Scurvy, huh?

It's that why my... My teeth are getting loose?

I was just hoping that my gums were getting more flexible.

Well, I always have referred to orange juice

as a glass of vodka wasted, so, uh...

I guess scurvy makes sense.

Can I talk to you a minute?

Yeah.

So, what is your relationship with the patient?

His, uh, ex-business partner.

You didn't have that on the thing,

so I just wrote it in.

Don't worry. I'll make sure he gets home safe.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

He shouldn't be going anywhere,

not in his condition.

What's wrong with him, exactly?

Honestly? Everything.

His body is literally shutting down,

and if your friend does not stop drinking, and soon,

your friend is gonna die.

I should not have left him alone.

Okay. I'll take care of everything.

I'll make sure he does not leave my... sight.

Have you seen a bottle of champagne?

The old man next door swears that he brought it in

to celebrate his new grandson.

Doctor on call, dial ER.

Doctor on call, dial ER.

Well, I want to thank everyone for being here.

Jean, you have some experience with interventions 'cause...

Because I was a filthy drunk.

It's okay. You can say it.

Nature and nurture both pushed me and Jim towards the bottle,

but now, I have the tools to help him.

What made you get sober, Jean?

At my intervention,

when it was my husband Norm's turn to speak,

he said, "Stop, Jean, please."

Now, Norm doesn't normally carry on like that,

so it cut me to the bone.

I'm really nervous, you guys.

Jim is so good at turning an argument against you.

- -Word. - That's true.

I once apologized

for the skidmarks on his underwear.

That's why I had each of you write a letter to read from,

so it isn't a conversation.

You get to say everything you need to.

Now, I suggest you start with an "I feel" sentence.

Okay, okay.

I feel like there's a lot of love in this room right now.

No, start with something that's not quite that stupid.

Okay, guys. You know, it's almost 11:00.

- We should really go. - Actually,

we shouldn't go anywhere.

Three... two... one.

Jack, my friend, give me a lunchtime special.

Why don't you make it a double?

Throw it on the rocks... Little change of pace.

Jim.

Charles.

This is an intervention.

Oh, Charles, you clever, little S.O.B.

My goodness. Look at you all.

Guess I'm trapped, huh?

No sense chewing off my own leg here.

Who knows? Maybe the eighth time will be the charm.

Oh, boy. Well, I got to say.

Seeing y'all come together like this, trying to save me

from the self-destructive spiral that I'm in, it's...

I'm underwhelmed.

- Oh, come on, Jim! - Jim.

I'm just saying, when they throw

an intervention for you in the Philippines,

they put out a spread, you know?

Some adobo, a full pot of bulalo,

a couple of trays of pastillas de leche.

Last intervention I was at,

they roasted a pig, an entire pig.

Hey, that takes eight hours.

You know, I came for the pig, I stayed for the intervention.

I mean, no, I had to at that point.

I was, uh... I was pig-committed, as they say.

What have you guys got here?

Bagels. Okay. 'Cause, yeah,

that's what New Orleans is known for.

Let me ask you a question. How the hell did Raj make the cut?

I love you, too, bro.

Well, our biggest guest hasn't even made it yet.

- Oh, boy. - Look who's Skyping in.

What the hell is this?

Oh! Joe Buck, ladies and gentlemen.

Ta-da! Hey, everyone.

Let's get Jim healthy.

Are you seriously not even remotely impressed?

Not even a little bit.

Joe Buck's schedule alone was a nightmare.

Joe Buck is not here, Charlie. You understand that?

It's just his gigantic head staring at me on the screen

like the darkest version of "1984."

Hey, I'm calling a senior LPGA skins game toda,

but I carved out time for you

because I care and...

Hold on.

And welcome back to French Lick Resort,

the jewel here in Southeastern Indiana

where dozens of silver-haired ladies

- are duking it out... - I'll find a way to mute Joe Buck in a second.

- Just... - No, wait. I actually want to see this.

I got 200 bucks on Barb Moxness.

Come on, Jim.

Take this seriously!

We are all very worried about you.

So sit your ass down, get ready to take a goddamn moral inventory,

you ungrateful piece of shit.

Ooh. You see why I can't stay, right?

Jim!

All I ask is that you give this a try.

As a favor to you.

You could literally die if you don't.

Learn how to accept a favor, okay?

- just... Just... - Okay?

Thank you.

Gonna have a bagel.

No cream cheese? Really? Are you kidding?

Alright. I'll eat it dry. Tastes like a Nerf ball.

Lucy, you want to start us off?

Okay.

Hi, Jim.

This is really hard.

I'm here today to say I love you.

Well, thank you, Lucy.

You know, I-I hear that, and... and I accept it.

That means a lot to me.

But I also came here to tell you

how your drinking has hurt me in the following ways.

Nope. I hurt you? Excuse me. I hurt you? Are you kidding me?

'Cause you know what hurt me?

No, when you were dildo-deep in our neighbor's asshole.

Jim! Little too much? I do apologize.

I'm sorry. Intervene away.

We would end up at the stripper's houseboat

drinking mezcal from her shoe.

It was the best night of my life!

Uh, I think Uribe did this wrong.

3,426 days... That's how long I've been sober.

Each day is just as hard as the last, maybe harder.

Every day, a part of me wants to drink again.

Every morning, I wake up and I wonder,

"Today, will I embrace step seven"

and ask for help to overcome my shortcomings,

or will I kiss my miserable children goodbye,

lock myself in the garage, and take down 40 ounces

"of drug-store vodka before lunch?"

I can almost taste it.

Hey, guys. I hope you don't mind.

I had them put mine in teleprompter.

Eye contact is how I tend to connect with my audience.

Jim, I thought it only appropriate

to start with a quote by the great Maya Angelou.

"Love recognizes no barriers."

It jumps hurdles,

"it leaps fence..."

Anybody object to me putting a bullet

in the head of whatever the hell that was about to be?

No.

Jim, you've been a mentor,

a hero, a rival, a friend.

But through it all, there's been one thing

that I have really, really wanted to say to you.

Milwaukee just hired me.

Fuck you, you goddamn vampire,

you wrinkly has-been!

"I'm a Major League broadcaster!"

Hey?

Holy shit, that's a good bit.

- Damn it, Raj. - Yes. Yes.

I didn't know you had that in you.

Oh, man. Look at that.

You did win me over in the end. Good for you.

I told you I would. I wasn't sure, but we just did it.

Don't change, Jim.

Good luck in Milwaukee.

- So, that's it? - Huh?

Well, that was... That was your whole thing?

Yeah, yep. That's pretty much all I got.

Hey.

And now our father's in the ground.

He's dead.

I've been thinking a lot about that.

Not because I miss him. I don't. He was a prick.

But because

now I know what it would feel like

to bury someone I did care about.

Someone like you.

And I'm not ready for that yet.

Uribe parties because he love life.

You do it because you hate it.

I think part of you is happy I cheated on you

because now, you don't have to hide it.

You get a free pass to drink as much as you want forever.

But I'm asking you not to, Jim.

You just...

You just came back into my life,

and I don't want to lose you again.

Look, I know this is hard to hear, but it's important.

Wait a minute.

Are you...

Are you drinking right now?!

Now, don't make this a thing, alright?

Oh, my God. We should have known.

How could you drink at your own intervention?

Well, if you didn't want me to drink,

you shouldn't have held my intervention in a bar.

Although, to be fair, if I couldn't drink,

there's no way I would have stayed for this,

so good call holding it in a bar, Charles.

In fact, I could use another round.

- Who's with me here? - No!

No! No more drinking.

Then can we at least skip the lame opening acts

and get right to the main attraction, please?

See, Charles knows the only shot in hell

that this has of actually working

is if he brings in Jules as a surprise closer,

so can we bring her out?

Jules? Hello? Help me!

Jules isn't here.

I invited her, told her to come down.

She said no, said it wasn't gonna work.

- Well... - Apparently she was right.

Yeah, well, what'd you expect?

You brought me into a room full of addicts, Charles.

- I mean... - We're not addicts.

Oh, really?

What if I told you you, uh, couldn't have sex again?

Today?

I guess... I guess that would be hard.

Yeah, I guess. Look...

we all have our own little coping mechanisms

to get through this charnel house called life, alright?

Lucy has to have sex with every single person that she meets.

Pedro staves off oblivion

through constant and relentless procreation.

Oye, papi, that's a stretch, okay?

You have 14 children.

And hopefully, 15, okay,

because Uribe has been painting Polly's uterine wall

with at least three coats a day, papi.

Jim, nobody's perfect.

That's why step 10 has us continually taking...

You're addicted to the 12 steps! You understand that?

Course I am, you arrogant prick.

That's how they work.

Raj, hi. Raj.

He's so desperate

to please every, single person that he meets

that despite being a very polite man,

he just flipped me off at my own intervention

because he thought that I might find it amusing.

But you did like it, though, right?

Yeah, it was great.

Joe Buck, if he were here, I would tell him

that he has to say yes to every single gig that he is offered

because God forbid the man should be alone

with his own thoughts for a second and a half.

But instead of attending, he's off proving that point

by calling women's senior golf for Fox Sports Online!

And Charles, God damn it, let's not forget how you...

Hey! Hey! Hello?!

How you betrayed me

by leaving to do this podcast thing of yours.

Which, you know, I gotta tell ya..

...is a smart play.

Good for you. Seriously.

It breaks this destructive pattern you're in

of putting everybody's needs in front of your own,

especially mine, okay?

I guess unlike everybody else

in this little circle of adult dysfunction,

you seem to be actually growing,

so go ahead, say your thing,

then, you know, we can all order a drink before happy hour ends.

Okay, come o...

Charles?

Don't do that.

You happy?

No, I hope you're happy.

You mad Charles sad! Great.

Had to have an intervention for Jim.

God damn it.

I mean, the best part

is that I get to work with Bob Uecker.

I mean, I don't know much about baseball,

but I can tell you this.

I do know who the dad from "Mr. Belvedere" is.

I mean, this dude is like the original

sports-entertainment crossover star.

He was Strahan before Strahan.

Did you know that Uribe...

I spent my best years in Milwaukee?

- Word? - Mm.

- Well, what's it like? - Mm.

The whole town smells like beer farts, man.

Sometimes, I have to learn that not all boundaries are bad.

Maybe Jim's right.

Maybe I do have a problem.

That is the worst thing about Jim.

He's always a little bit right.

He knows just what to say to make you question yourself,

but also, try keeping your cooch in your pants

just a few days a week.

See what happens.

Oh! You're late.

I had to get a ride from my dad.

Charles.

Hey! Come on, Charles.

What, are you mad I stopped and got a roadie? Come on.

'Cause I'm what's known as a...

- I'm a functional alcoholic. - Really?

Yeah.

Yeah, really?

What's your function?

I-I...

Because it used to be calling games for the Major Leagues,

but that's gone now.

You used to get sober enough to call games,

and now there's nothing to slow you down.

What about a podcast, huh?

Now, I know we were very angry with each other

when I got back from Atlanta,

but there's no reason for us to stop that thing, Charles.

We got a good thing going there.

We can use it as a platform

to launch a new, um, network dealy.

That is the logical thing to do, yes.

And I will do it... if you do this.

"Sobertunities Clean Leaving Center"?

I've already set everything up. All you have to do is call.

Oh, God, Ch...

Friends don't hand friends cards

to horribly named rehab facilities, okay?

Actually, that is exactly what friends do, okay?

I can't make you call them. I know that.

But if you don't call,

I'm never speaking to you again.

Aw, come on. What are you, serious with this shit?

Yes, I am. Okay?

Goodbye, podcast. Goodbye, you and me, forever.

Okay?

That is, unless you get sober.

- Unless I get sober. - Yeah.

And it's... Part of it's my fault. I know that.

I've been enabling you.

We have a codependent relationship.

Where'd you pick up language like that, God damn it?

I went to a few Al-Anon meetings.

Oh, no, you didn't, Charles.

The only thing worse than the program

is the program about the program, okay?

And there's nothing wrong with codependency, alright?

It just lets you and me work through my problems together.

Quit dicking around!

Jim.

If you don't stop drinking, you are going to die.

Just stop. Plea...

Why won't you stop?!

Why is this such a problem for you?!

People only like me when I am drunk, Charles, okay?

You know it's true.

You did the focus testing.

It's science, right?

Yes, alright.

Everything bad in my life happened

because of my drinking... Okay.

Also, everything good in my life, alright?

First game I ever called in Kansas City,

had to do four shots of whiskey to calm my nerves, alright?

I was blackout drunk for George Brett's 3,000th hit.

They still play that call at the Baseball Hall of Fame.

Jules, she's the love of my life, right?

That relationship was built on drinking!

Okay, I don't know who the hell I would be

if I was sober, Charles.

But I do know nobody would

give a shit about that guy, whoever he is.

I would.

And I hope one day I get to meet him.

But, until then, goodbye, Jim.

"Goodbye, Jim."

Okay, well, fuck you, Charles.

Okay? My back was sore from carrying you around, anyway.

And you know what?!

Your parents were right about you!

You are a very selfish young man,

and you are destined to fail with that attitude!

Go on! Get out of here!

Brush you off like dandruff!

Oh, shit.

Unbelievable.

Yeah, this is Jim Brockmire.

Um, I'm ready to, uh...

Well, where am I supposed to go?

Your... Your card doesn't have an address on it.

Hello?

Hello again!

I wasn't sure you'd call.

Well, when everybody around you

is telling you to hit the brakes,

you kind of want to be with somebody

who sees nothing but green lights.

You want a turn?

Oh, right now, this is exactly what I want.

Is this crack or meth?

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