All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E79.HDTV.x264-LOL

So I pulled my limo
into the gas station,

and then I realized
my tank was on the other side,

so I had to back it out,

which is hard
because it's a stretch.

Which is an industry
term for long.

Charlie!

I know we have
a no hitting rule,

but am I allowed
to hit myself to stay awake?

Nolan, we all
care about you

and we know you love
being a chauffer--

How did you know that word?
Are you in the industry?

No, but I am
on the planet.

Look, we're thrilled
for you,

but we'd love to hear about
another aspect of your life.

Well, I did have an incident
with some clowns once

- that really upset me.
- Go for it.

Well, I drove some clowns
to the circus yesterday.

Unfortunately,
there were only three.

It took them almost no time
to get out of the limo.

- That's a limo story.
- I see it as a clown story.

I see you
as a clown story.

Moving on.
Patrick...

Wednesday is your
interview at "Vogue."

That's a big opportunity
for you, isn't it?

Actually, I'm not going
to be able to make it.

Somebody gave me
some really good tickets
to a sports game.

Ah, yes, the great
American pastime,

sports game.

It's baseball, okay?

Oh, yeah?
Who's playing?

Uh, Atlanta and...

Just pick any city.

Milan?

Patrick, why are you
dodging this interview?

( sighs )
Because it's a waste
of time.

They're not gonna
hire me.

Besides, I'm happy selling
clothes at the mall.

You hate selling
clothes at the mall.

Actually,
it's grown on me.

The unwashed masses.

The fluorescent lighting.

Fat women
trying on dresses

with their Cinnabon-covered
fingers.

I love it!
Can we please move on?

Oh, my God, last night
I woke up from a dream

where I ate an entire box
of Cinnabons.

But it's okay, because then
I went back to sleep

and dreamt that I was
throwing them up.

Well, at least
you're not starving
yourself in your dreams.

Cool.

Patrick,
a couple of weeks ago
you were fighting

tooth and nail to get
this interview,

and now you're
just blowing it off.

- What the hell happened?
- Nothing.

I just thought about it
and I realized

I'm not
"Vogue" material.

Okay, okay, this sounds like
a self-esteem issue.

The last time
we were in this territory,
it seemed connected to--

Don't say my mom.
It's not my mom.

It has nothing to do
with my mom.

Okay, well, then we can
cross mom off the list.

Hey. Time's up.
I got to go.

We're not done
talking about this.

See you all
next Thursday.

Hey, Charlie,
can you give me a ride
to the mechanic?

Uh, sure.
What's the problem?

The electrical system
went out on my car again.

It's this damn...

car that I bought.

I don't want to get
into it in front of Ed.

Why don't you want
to get into it
in front of me?

Is it because you
bought an American car

and now you're about
to insult American
workmanship?

Well, you're
into it with Ed.

I'll go grab my keys.

You're the one
who started this,
not me.

Kids like you
got no idea of
patriotism.

I drove American cars
my whole life.

Drove or pushed?

You know, you're nothing
but a little punk.

Yeah, Sean,
he's right.

You're a dick.

That's young person
for punk.

Why are you
taking Ed's side?
You don't even like him.

Because you're
a lying son of a bitch

who cheated on me
and never apologized.

And also
that car thing.

Come on!
Let's do this thing!

I'm not going
to fight you, Ed.

Why not? You think
I'm too old to kick
your ass?

Well, I'd like
to introduce you
to Lee Marvin

and Charles Bronson.

I have no idea
who those people are.

Charles Bronson?
"Death Wish"?

Sorry.

"Death Wish 2."

Honestly, I don't
know this man.

"Death Wish 3."

Right. Yeah.
Oh, the third one.

Yeah, he was scary.

Don't you
patronize me!

I've got a good mind
to clean your clock
right now,

but I've got
an appointment
with the VA

that took me
17 months to get

and I'm not
giving that up
for anybody.

( clears throat )

You better watch
your back.

Ed's coming for ya.

I don't have to
watch my back.

I'll just listen
for wheezing and I'll
slowly turn around.

( theme music playing )

Hey, guys.

Jordan, I thought you
were coming by yourself.

No, we're going
to this French
art house movie

as soon as we're done
with whatever you need
me for. What's up?

I'm having a private session
with Patrick tonight

and I could use your help,
but if you guys are going
to the movies...

No, no, no, no.
We don't have to go
to the movies.

- She'll help.
- I thought you wanted
to go the the movie.

I love subtitled,
animated,

French musicals.

But let's not be selfish
just because we're both

dying to see,
"Le Petit Cat."

Thank you, Sean.

So, what do you
want me to do?

Well, I want to try
some role-playing therapy.

Patrick is having
some confidence issues

and it might have something
to do with his mother.

What makes you
think that?

Mostly because he jumped
off my couch today

screaming,
"It's not about my mother!"

Got it. So you want me
to play his mom.

Oh, that sounds like fun.
I'll be the dad.

Yeah, I don't need you
to play the dad.

Why don't you play
le petit neighbor

who goes back to his house
where he belongs?

Quick question for you.
Is Patrick from Boston?

Because I can do
a wicked "Bahston" accent.

You hear the way
I just said "Bahston"?
It was perfect.

We're not putting
on a play here.

And even if we were,
that's a terrible accent.
It's "Bahston."

Ah, you might want
to trust me.

It's "Bahston."
It's wicked hard to do.

- "Bahston."
- It's "Bahston."

- No, no, no.
It's "Bahston."
- No, it's "Bahston."

- "Bahston." "Bahston."
- It's "Bahston."

- She said--
- You're not playing
the dad!

- Patrick: Charlie?
- That's him. Let's go.

( exhales )
Okay.

- Sean.
- Yes?

You step one foot
in that living room,

I will give you
a wicked "hahd" beatdown.

Hey, Patrick.
Why don't you sit down

and we'll talk about
what we're doing tonight?

What is she doing here?

We are going to do
a little role-playing

to help you understand
why you're blowing off
this amazing opportunity.

I'm gonna be your mother.

Now sit up straight.
You'll never catch a man
with that slouch.

That's what my mother
would say.

My mother would
never say that.

- What would she say?
- She wouldn't.

It's 8:30, she's already
had three glasses

of her special vodka
lime juicy

and she's face down
on the kitchen floor.

Well, if her not
being there for you
made you feel unworthy

and not entitled
to pursue your dream job,

you should tell her
how you feel.

You know, there is something
I need to get off my chest.

- Mom.
- Yes, Pattycakes?

I really hate
role-playing.

Charlie, the fact
that I'm not qualified
for the "Vogue" job

has absolutely nothing
to do with the fact

that my mother
thought of vodka

as the child that never
disappointed her.

I'm out of here.

( Bostonian accent )
Hey, hey, you get back
in here, boy,

and you listen
to your mother.

Sorry, Charlie,
as a father,

I did the best
I could.

You can leave now.

You still have time to make it
to "Le Petit Cat."

Oh, damn it.

Hey, Ed.

- I need your help.
- All right.

Nobody takes you serious

because you're always
coming out of your top.

You're welcome.

Um, no.

I told Sean that
you would fight him
and I need you to do it.

Oh, give me a break.
I'm not gonna fight Sean.

He's half my age.

And besides, I'm not
gonna risk anything

happening
to my money maker.

Come on, Ed.
You're young and vital.

And if you hit him
hard enough,

maybe you can break up

some of those
calcium deposits
in your knuckles.

Why is this
so important to you?

The man cheated
on you a year ago.

- Just let it go.
- I can't.

Haven't you ever
been in a situation

where somebody
humiliated you and
you just keep wishing

you could go back
and get even?

Yeah, Vietnam.

Okay, you have Vietnam,
I have Sean cheated on me.

We've both
been through stuff.

Look, I'd like to kick
the hell out of him,
but I just can't.

Yeah, I guess not.

But if we both pitch in,

we could hire somebody
off of craigslist
to do it for us.

All right, but you better
vet him carefully.

I once hired
a Korean massage girl

from that thing
for a neck rub

and she molested me.

I'm sorry?

All right,
before we begin,

I believe that Cleo
has an announcement
he'd like to make.

Thank you, Charlie.

As you all know, I recently
started a drama department.

Everybody's always saying
I'm drama, drama, drama,

so I started a department.

And our opening season
is going to be Shakespeare.

Well, that's great.

Now, is this going
to be real Shakespeare?

'Cause I didn't
recognize some of the titles
on the flier.

"Henry Pleads the Fifth."

"Romeo In Joliet."

And "As You Lick It."

Well, that last one
is a typo.

Is should read
"Ass, You Lick It."

Anyway, I cast my first lead
in the role of Hamlet.

So I'd like to
congratulate Ernesto.

Yes! I knew it.

( applauding )

Well, you did kill
your stepfather when
you were a teenager,

so I guess it makes sense.

Ooh, do that thing
you did at the audition

where Hamlet
stabs Claudius.

I need a moment
to center.

( exhales )

Venom, to thy work.

Pop, pop, pop!

And stay down, bitch!

I'm playing with
the language.

Yes, when doing Shakespeare,
one's always encouraged

to play
with the language.

I'm serious about
my acting, Charlie.

I even asked the guards
if I could go back to
the house I grew up in

to remember
those feelings
of murder and rage

so I could better
entertain people.

Ernesto,
you're a genius.

( chuckles )
I don't know about
a genius.

I'm talking about taking
another client of mine

back to the house
where he grew up

so he can confront
some childhood memories.

Ooh, so who did
this person kill?

'Cause I'm looking for
the lead in my next play,

"Tight-Ass Andronicus."

Yeah, I'm sure you are.

I just got to figure out
a way to get him there.

I got it.
Just take some chloroform
and knock him out.

Duct tape his feet
to his head and throw
him in your trunk.

Or we could spend
two extra minutes

and think
of anything else.

All right, read back
what we got so far.

Okay.
"Looking for a man

to severely beat
our therapist's friend."

Sound good?

No! We're both
gonna go to jail.

You've got to be
more cryptic.

I'll put severely beat
in quotes.

That can mean anything.

You are "dumb as a post."

I put dumb as a post
in quotes,

but you're still
dumb as a post.

You can't put an ad
like that online.

Why not?
This is America.

We have, like,
freedom of speech.

The only thing you're not
allowed to say is fire

in a crowded theater.

Which is stupid because
what if there's a fire

or the movie
is about fire?

Damn it, you
just gave me a reason
why we can't do this.

No, it's okay.
I took out the part

where I said I was going
to light him on fire.

I'm just saying
this is America

and Sean has a right to say
anything he wants to say,

even if it trashes
our country.

But he cheated
on me, Ed.

Isn't that un-American?

No, that's as American
as it gets.

I mean, he had something
good and wanted more.

That's the American dream.

Wait, did you just say
I was something good?

Well, I've been drinking
a lot of these IPAs.

Must have got to me.

Come on, did you
really mean it?

Well, sure.

I don't know why
you're wasting another
second on this imbecile.

You are a strong-willed
spitfire.

You deserve a lot more.
Just move on.

I don't know
what that means,

but I feel like
it's the nicest thing
you've ever said to me.

It is.

But don't tell anybody.

This is weird, Charlie.

Well, I felt bad
about sandbagging you
the other night

with the whole
role-playing thing,

so I thought,
what the hell,
I'll hire a limo

and take you to see
"Book of Mormon."

You know, people always
think I'm a Mormon.

They're always saying,
"Watch where you're going,
you Mormon."

Don't eat that,
you Mormon."

They're not
saying Mormon.

They're saying moron,
you moron.

You mean I could
have eaten, then?

I don't know. I'm sorry.
This feels like a trick.

I got to tell you,
I'm a little offended
by that.

Okay, we're here.

Wait, this--

this is where
I grew up.

Okay, it was a trick.

"The Book of Mormon"
tickets are for tomorrow.

It's at Eagle Rock High.

It starts at 7:00.

Or whenever they get
the volleyball net down.

What do you think
I'm gonna do?

Go in there and have
some big catharsis?

Well, forget it.
It's just a house.

It has no meaning
to me whatsoever.

Well, then there's
no reason to avoid it.

Let's just go in there
and check it out.

I can't right now
because I've forgotten
how to breathe.

Okay.
Okay, relax, Patrick.

You're having
a panic attack.
Think of a happy place.

"The Book of Mormon."

A professional production.

Another happy place
under $300.

Nolan, you got
any booze in here?

No. The last guy
drank it all.

And don't ask me who it was,
Mr. DiCaprio,

because I'm not allowed to say
who my clients are.

Damn it.

I can't catch my breath.

I'm gonna die 30 feet away
from where I grew up.

I've done nothing
with my life.

Patrick, relax.
This feeling is not
going to last forever.

Especially if you take
a couple hits off of this.

Nolan, I am not
going to get one
of my patients high.

You give it to him.

Whoa, before he hits
that thing,

just how strong
is this stuff, Nolan?

Well, it's called
OG Kush.

And he's gonna feel
some euphoria

along with a decrease
in stress and anxiety.

Oh, cool.
Go for it.

Possibly followed
by some hallucinations.

No, no, stop,
Patrick, stop.

Too late.
( coughs )

( exhales )

All right,
let's do this.

You feel okay
to go in?

You've asked me that,
like, 30 times.

That's the first time
I've asked you that.

Why are you so obsessed
with who is first and last?

It is not a race.
Let's just be.

( doorbell rings )

Can I help you?

Yeah, hi, I'm Charlie.
This is my friend Patrick.

He used to live here
and he'd love to come in
and take a look around.

He's trying to cope
with a devastating loss.

It's true.
I was supposed to be
at "The Book of Mormon."

Look, I got
things to do

and I don't have
all day for him to look
around my house.

But if you want
to come in for a minute,
that's fine.

Thank you so much.

Your top is really
freaking me out.

Can I get either of you
a glass of water?

That would be great.
Thank you.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Okay. Okay.

You're having an emotional
reaction to your surroundings.

Tell me
what you're feeling.

This couch is terrible.

It doesn't match anything.
It's too big for the room.

I think that woman is crazy.
Do not drink the water.

Patrick, it's okay.

It's just weird being
in your childhood home
when you're high.

And I'd know.
That was the first
18 years of my life.

- Here we go.
- Thank you.

If you set it down,
there's a coaster
on the table.

Oh, really?
I need to use a coaster

when I put a glass
on a table?

I had no idea
because I'm stupid!

She would never tell Carl
to use a coaster.

He's the smart one.

I'm gonna go to the window
and look at the squirrels.

Maybe I'll learn something.

What is he talking about?
Who the hell is Carl?

I have a gun.
Don't think I'm not
strapped in my own house.

Carl is his brother.
He's on a mild sedative

and I think he's imagining
that he's a kid again

and that you're his mom.

He thinks I'm his mom?
Has he seen me?

Mild sedative, my ass.

That boy is tripping.

Please, just give us
a couple of minutes.

I'll make sure
he uses a coaster.

I'll tell him
it's a tiny table
for his water.

Okay, fine.

I'm gonna give you
two more minutes,

and then I'm gonna
shoot you both.

Fair enough.

Hey, bro.

It's Carl,
your brother.

What's up with Mom
undermining your confidence

by saying that
I'm the smart one?

Charlie, stop it.
You're scaring me.

I'm sorry. I thought that
by playing your brother,

I'd get you to open up
even more.

I knew what you were doing.
I'm not stupid.

God!
Take Mom's side!

Mom's side?

So right now
I'm your...

Therapist.

Charlie, if you can't
figure out who you are,

I shouldn't be
under your care.

Okay, look,
we've only got a minute.

I think I heard Mom loading
a gun in the other room.

The reason you're avoiding
this interview with "Vogue"

is because your mother
made you feel like
you're the dumb one.

Yeah, but she
complimented me, too.

She said I was
the pretty one.

Patrick, you can be
good-looking and smart.

I mean, hello.

I don't know.

You can get this job.
You are smart enough

to write about shoes
and purses.

I swear that was meant
as a compliment.

- Do you really think so?
- Absolutely.

Now let's get
the hell out of here.
I forgot to use a coaster.

Lacey. Ed.

Want to tell me
why you both look

so incredibly hungover?

Probably because
we're incredibly hungover.

He came over
to my house last night
and we had a few drinks.

No!
This is my nightmare.

I am living
my nightmare.

All this "will they,
won't they" tension

year after year
has finally come to this?

Relax, idiot.

We just talked all night
and had a few drinks.

Oh, my God,
it's worse than I thought.

If it was just physical,
I could look the other way.

But, no,
it's a connection.

Nolan, Nolan,
as entertaining as it is

for me to let you believe
that Ed is Lacey's boo...

you don't have anything
to worry about.

That said, what were
you guys doing last night?

Well, I was having
a few beers

and she was going on and on
about old boyfriends

and fears
and anxieties.

You never talk about
any of that stuff in here.

That's your fault.
You never let me drink.

Because the last time
I let you, you stabbed
Nolan with a nail file.

And the time before that
you stabbed him with a--

you know what?
I am not gonna have
this talk again.

Hey.
There he is.

So, how'd
the interview go?

Fantastic.
I crushed it.

Well, that's great.

Yup. They basically offered me
the job in the room.

Hence the euphoria
and uncontrollable dancing.

There was
just one condition.

I had to take
a drug test.

Oh, that's a problem.

THC stays in the system
for up to six days.

I know that now,
thank you very much.

You seem a little tense.

I know what you need.

I will kill you, Nolan.

Look, Patrick,
don't get too down.

Once in a lifetime
opportunities like that

happen all the time.

Charlie, you have
an ice pack?

Yeah, in the kitchen.
What the hell happened to you?

( sighs )

I was leaving the club
and some guy came up to me

and told me he was
from craigslist and he
punched me in the face.

Okay, so just what
did you guys do?

Uh, nothing.

But it is possible
that when I blacked out

my face hit the keyboard
and I hit enter.

God bless America.