All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E78.HDTV.x264-LOL

So I'm buying this bag
and the lady tells me

there's extra pockets inside

to keep my kid's snacks in.

And I'm like, "Does this body look
like it's had a child, bitch?"

So she calls her manager and...

And you make out with him
so he looks the other way

and you steal the bag.

Patrick, I told everybody
at the beginning of session

if you interrupt and don't have
something deeply personal to say...

ahem...

...you have to suffer the consequences.

- Stick out your tongue.
- Not the habañero sauce.

Rules are rules. Tongue.

( Groaning )

Now, here's the antidote,

but you don't get it
until you say something

personal and revealing.

My father never loved me.

Something we don't know.

I write erotic fan fiction

based on old reruns
of "The Facts of Life."

Not good enough.

Last night Tootie
made Blair wear a saddle.

That's milk worthy.

( Whispers )
Send me a copy.

Hey, Charlie. Oh, sorry, I
thought you'd be done by now.

I just came by to tell Nolan

that I sold all 16 of your
grandmother's silver teakettles

on eBay in three hours.

That's great. I really need the cash.

I'm always saying to my pot dealer,

"I don't know where all my money goes."

- That's all. I'm gonna go.
- Too late. New rules.

When you interrupt my group,

you get habañero sauce on your tongue.

You gotta be kidding me.

Tongue.

( Whimpering )

Now, to get the milk,

say something personal and revealing.

My ex-husband cheated
on me with the babysitter

and he's a dick.

Very good, no names, please.

Ahem. Where were we?

You were fixing to wind up the session.

No, I wasn't. We still have,
like, 20 minutes left.

It was worth a try.

Hey, Charlie.

Sorry to interrupt.

Your girlfriend's gotta do it, too.

I'm sorry, sweetie.

Anybody who interrupts the group

has to put hot sauce on their tongue.

Oh, all right.

Anyway, I got great news.

I got the permit from the
city for my halfway house.

Well, congratulations.

Hey, guys, Sasha is opening up a place

where prostitutes can live
so they're not on the streets.

Damn, how do you do that? Your
eyes aren't even watering.

Oh. I had this freaky client from Japan

who used to pay big bucks
to watch me eat ghost peppers.

( Exhales )
So, yeah, this? It's nothing.

Your girlfriend is such an
inspiration for women everywhere.

I mean, who would've thought
you could make money

by eating food in front
of Japanese businessmen?

Clearly, you missed the point.

I'll cut you in on my teakettle money

if you look me in the eye

while you eat a bag of potato chips.

Okay.

All right, guys. Next week,
if you go off on a tangent,

you have to snort a line of wasabi.

I will not be defeated.

So great news about the halfway house.

Well, actually, I'm a little nervous.

I told the girls to cut
ties with their pimps

and that I'd take them
to the new place tonight.

Well, what's there to be nervous about?

I mean, pimps are usually pretty
understanding people, right?

Well, the contractor just called

and the halfway house isn't
gonna be ready for two days.

So they've got nowhere to stay.

Okay, now I'm getting nervous.

Come on, Charlie. It'd
only be a couple of days.

Please?

I don't know.

Where are they gonna sleep?

I don't have enough towels.

And they can't even
eat cereal for breakfast

because I just used up all my milk.

Please?

All right, fine.

Anger Management 2x78
Charlie and the Houseful of Hookers

Ladies, ladies, look.

I know that you all just got here,

but please stop using my Vaseline.

Especially after you've
been eating cheese puffs.

I bet it was Kimmy. You know
she got them alligator elbows.

Which are, mysteriously,
cheese puff-free.

I got sandwiches, everybody.

You cut the crust off their sandwiches?

You don't have to coddle them.

Angelina's eating cheese
puffs dipped in Vaseline.

I just want them to know
they're cared for.

Truth is, they're just
lost little girls.

- I'll cut you, bitch.
- Screw you, whore.

I think I know why no one's
trying to find them.

You don't even know
how to play the game.

- Don't touch me.
- Hey, hey, hey. What's going on?

Nikki picked up the eight ball,

asked it a question and shook it.

When you touch the balls,
you forfeit the game.

- Is that true, Charlie?
- Uh, well, yeah, those are the rules.

Ah. I'm gonna kill you
as soon as you fall asleep.

I understand.

All right, you handle this.
I'm gonna go find a weapon

and drink a case of Red Bull.

( Phone chimes )

Charlie, wait.

I just got a text from my mom.

- There has been a terrible accident.
- What happened?

Well, her neighbor has this chimpanzee...

Oh, no. I've heard about this.

She offered the monkey some
food and it tore her face off?

No, no. It's the monkey's birthday

and she went to get it a card

and she fell in the store
and hit her head.

When are people going to learn
that these are wild animals

that don't care about cards?

- I mean, is she okay?
- She might have to have surgery

- and I've got to go.
- Well, of course you do...

in a couple of days when all the
girls are out of the house, right?

I know it is a lot to leave you with.

You're the only one I
trust to look after them.

- So, will you do it?
- Yeah, I'll be fine.

It's just me and a house
full of hookers.

I've been training for
this moment my whole life.

Hey, Charlie. Your car's
parked out on your front lawn.

- How the hell did it get there?
- That's where I left it.

- You took my car?
- Don't accuse me like that.

Yes, I did.

If my pimp's not gonna
drive me around anymore,

I need to learn how. I did good, too.

I only hit two of your
neighbors' mailboxes.

"Char-wie," it's my turn in the shower.

I'm scared to be "a-wone" up there.

Would you come in with me?

Yeah, look, it'd be different
if I wasn't with Sasha

or if I was completely deaf.

But I'm sorry, that's not gonna happen.

( Moans )
Okay, well, if you change your mind

and you wanna join me...

( In normal voice)
I will rock your world.

That's a hard one, I knew you could do it.

Good call. That bitch is crazy.

Hello.

What's the deal with all the women?

They're a bunch of hookers
who don't hook anymore.

Oh, no. What happened?

Apparently the American
dream of selling your body

on the street to strangers
doesn't pan out for everyone.

- Sasha dumped 'em on me.
- Listen, I hope you can get away

because a buddy of mine
who manages The Roxy

told me that the Rolling Stones

are playing a secret show there tonight.

The Roxy? That place is tiny.

That close we could definitely

steal a vial of whatever's
making Keith Richards immortal.

Dude, it's a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity.

Nobody even knows about it. They're
playing under the name "Ruby Tuesdays."

Oh, it's... it sounds
awesome, but I can't.

I promised Sasha I'd keep an eye
on the girls until she got back.

All right, so you're gonna miss the
greatest rock band in the world

to not bang five hookers?

Look, I got to do the
responsible thing here.

Trick Jordan into watching them

so I can go to the concert.

Those girls will eat her alive.

You're right, you're right, but
she's the only person I know

who definitely will not have
plans on a Saturday night.

Hey, Jordan.

What are you doing tonight?

Oh, really?

( Knocking on door )

Coming.

Hey, Nolan. What are you doing here?

I won't have your money
for a couple days.

It's not that.

I figured out why the
teakettles sold so quickly.

Oh, I know why, Nolan.

It's because I put the word
"rare" in the description.

Yeah, it could be that.

Or it could be because every
picture of a teakettle

has a reflection of your naked boobs.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. It was, uh, hot.

I was cleaning the house.

I took my shirt off

and then I decided
to take the pictures and...

- I feel so stupid!
- Oh, don't feel bad.

People make mistakes
like this on eBay a lot.

I've seen boobs reflected
in cars, toasters, mirrors.

Sometimes you have to spend
a whole day looking.

No! I was gonna start a business.

They sold so fast,
I thought silver teakettles

were gonna be the next big thing.

Well, it's not like
you went out and bought

- 500 silver teakettles.
- That's true.

I bought 386.

And I can't return them
because I bought them all

at flea markets and estate sales.

I maxed out all my credit cards.
What am I gonna do?

Wow. Too bad your boobs
weren't reflected

in something less expensive.

Like a spoon.

( Knocking on door )

Hi...?

Did Frankie B. send you
here with the stuff?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Then I don't either.

- Sorry about that.
- Charlie, what is going on?

Why did you make me rush over here?

Who are all these women?

Sasha's opening a safe
house for streetwalkers

and, uh, they're staying
here for a few days.

Wow, a house full of prostitutes.

How many falling stars did you
have to wish on to get this?

Anyway, I figured since one day

we're gonna open a clinic
in a women's prison,

this would be a great
opportunity for us to learn.

And you included me?

Well, of course. We're a team.

We'll always be together and...
( Phone honks )

Sorry.

Oh, no. Bad text.

What's wrong?

My dad fell and hit his head

at a monkey's birthday party.

He's gonna have to
have emergency surgery.

I gotta go. I'll see you in a few hours.

Charlie, you can't leave
me alone with these women.

You'll do great.
Everybody, this is Jordan.

She's gonna take my spot
for a few hours.

See y'all soon.

Okay.

Hey, everybody.

Who's up for a team-building exercise?

Like, I don't know. How about
we make some brownies?

Anybody allergic to nuts?

No, but I am allergic

to perky-ass little white girls.

So nuts are okay, then?

I'm so happy you saw
our ad on Craigslist.

Yeah, I'm just happy
it was actually teakettles.

Sometimes you open the door and
it's just a guy wagging his...

I'm just happy it's teakettles.

You know, you remind me
so much of my grandma.

For old times' sake, would you mind

telling me that I'm an
embarrassment to the family?

So, uh, look around.

The prices are all negotiable.

No.

No. No...

Uh, how about this one? It's only $5.

Don't push me.

No, no, no.

No, no, oh...

tell me about this one.

It's a teakettle.

Don't sass me.

Who was the first owner? Was he white?

What?

- Why does that matter?
- I'm looking for Chinese.

Asians take better care
of their teakettles.

Oh, why didn't you say so?
I got one right here

owned by a nice Chinese family.

They took very good care of it.

$20.

I'll give you 50 cents. You're a liar.

Okay, get out.

Nolan, you should probably leave, too.

You're gonna take your top off

and take dirty teakettle
pictures, aren't you?

I have so many of these damn things,

I don't know what else to do.

I feel terrible for you.

The only thing I can offer
is to take pictures

of my naked body
and the teakettles, too.

You know, Nolan, I don't think people

really wanna see your junk
reflected on a teakettle.

( Sighs )
I guess you're right.

Uh, but, uh, on the other hand,

I need to expand my fan base.

Why don't you take five home,
knock yourself out?

- Thanks!
- All right.

See? I told you we could do it.

Four batches later
and we've got brownies.

Jordan, it's hard to
spread icing with a spoon.

Well, you proved you can't
be trusted with a knife.

Well, you're the one
who pulled a knife on us.

I lost my patience
and I apologize for that.

But now that we've bonded like this,

you guys are like my sorority sisters.

Were they a bunch of whores, too?

They slept with a few
more men than you guys did,

so, yeah.

Why don't you guys put on
a movie while I clean up?

You know I went to Harvard.

You did? You were accepted there?

Oh, no. I drove there and had
sex with the professors.

Those guys spend a lot
of money on prostitutes.

A lot. I went to Stanford, too.

So, you were in a sorority, huh?

You know I was talking to Sasha.

- I'm gonna go to college.
- Good for you, Angelina.

That is so brave.

I mean, just getting
into college is tough.

But here is the irony.

Those kids coming out of
college, they can't get jobs.

- It's crazy, right?
- Huh?

But college is amazing.

Of course it takes the rest of your life

to pay back your loans.
I'm still paying mine.

- Huh?
- But you will.

Just don't try to skip out. You think a
pimp will come after you for not paying?

Try avoiding the student loan people.

Those guys bitch-slapped me pretty good.

- Huh?
- But you know what?

Everything's ahead of you.

Nothing's impossible.

Oh, we should watch "Pretty Woman."

You guys can nitpick all the little
things that are wrong with the story.

It'll be fun.

- You are an idiot.
- Oh, come on.

They called themselves
the "Ruby Tuesdays."

That sounds like the perfect code
name for the Rolling Stones.

It also sounds like
the perfect code name

for a bunch of guys
who work at Ruby Tuesday's

doing covers of Rolling Stones songs.

Whatever. You gotta admit that busboy

had a really nice voice.

Dude, dude, there's a reason
they still work at a place

that sells deep-fried pretzel
burgers to truckers.

I gotta hit the head. Oh,
quick question for you.

Any chance "Chili's"

- are the code name for
the Red Hot Chili... - No!

Oh, thank God you're here.

- How's your dad?
- My dad?

Oh, oh, oh, you can't even
tell he hurt his head.

But it caused a short-term memory loss.

So, don't bring it up to him.

He won't even know
what you're talking about.

- Where are all the girls?
- Oh, they're upstairs sleeping.

Except for one. Angelina.

What, is she watching TV

eating a peanut butter
and petroleum jelly sandwich?

- Uh, she's gone.
- What?

I was giving her a pep
talk on how hard life is.

I don't know what happened.

You talked to her. That's what happened.

People run away from you
when you talk to them.

The other girls think she went back to
her old neighborhood to turn tricks.

Ah, I gotta go find her
before Sasha gets home.

Promise me you won't talk
to any more of these girls?

I need them to all still
be here when I get back.

You're sure this is Angelina's block?

That's what the girls said.

Is that her?

Angelina!

Man: I'm whoever you want me to be, baby.

Dude in a skirt. Dude in a skirt.

Boy, that's proof, isn't it?

Everybody looks good
in thigh-high boots.

Wait a minute, over there.

That's her. Stop the car.

All right, wait, wait, hold... just...

just remember if she starts
taking off her earrings,

puff yourself up. Make
yourself look bigger.

Or play dead. Whatever you
would do with a bear.

You ram it with your car.

Be ready.

- Angelina. - Keep walking
your dumb ass down the block.

Down by the truck scales, you could
probably turn a couple of tricks.

Make $30.

Look, I know you talked to Jordan.

I understand that that could send
anyone screaming out the door.

Damn straight.

But the truth is you're way
better off with Sasha.

You don't wanna be doing
this in a couple of years

- when you're 40.
- I'm 27!

( Scoffs )
Okay.

Then you don't wanna be doing
this for another 13 years.

Look, this is the only
thing I'm good at,

so get outta here and let me do my job.

No, it's way too dangerous out here.

Look, there's a cop over there,

so if you don't come home with me now,

I'm gonna flag him down and
tell him that you're hookin'.

- Go ahead.
- Officer.

This lady was soliciting me.

- Is that true, Angelina?
- No.

He was trying to get me
back to his place.

- Is that true?
- Yes, but let me explain.

I've got a bunch of hookers back there.

Oh, really? Turn around.

No, no, no, no.

See, my girlfriend brought them to my
place and she has big plans for them.

Sounds like fun. Turn around.

No, no, no, you don't understand.
I was just supposed to watch them

and make sure that
none of them got away.

You know what? I'm just
gonna turn around.

I really like your dream board, Dillon.

So it seems what you're
envisioning for your future

is a lot of sugar.

I got a bit of a sweet tooth myself.

Nah, I want cocaine.

They didn't have any pictures
of cocaine, so I used sugar.

But I want cocaine.

I'll just take the glue.
I could make that work.

Oh, good. They let you out of jail.

- Who's this?
- Can't talk.

Sasha's right behind me. I saw
her getting off the freeway.

Lost Angelina. This is
Tammy, a replacement hooker.

Get out of here. Thanks for everything

except for losing Angelina. That sucked.

- Hey, Charlie.
- Hey, Sasha.

( Laughs )
How's your mom doing?

Much better.

Who's this?

Uh, this is Tammy.

She's taking Angelina's place.

Angelina decided that she
wanted to join the Peace Corps,

so I pulled some strings

and she's on a plane
to Guatemala right now.

Really?

So it's adios, Angelina,

and hola, Tammy.

And hola, Angelina.

What the hell are you doing here?

It's okay, Charlie.
Angelina told me everything.

Yeah, the fact that you
came looking for me

made me realize
I must be worth something.

Plus, it started raining.

So everything worked out.

We're cool and you got
yourself a new team member.

Wait, Angelina?

Dead-eyed Pete's ho?
You blowed up, girl.

You better shut your face,
you sleestak-looking

bean head, or I'll cut you.

You're up.

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