All language subtitles for -Anger.Management.S02E88.HDTV.x264-LOL

No, the cable person
was an hour and a half late.

I don't know why that surprised me.

Because they're never on time?

No, because they had told me to expect

a guy named Davon or Javon or Kavon.

I'm pretty sure that "von"
is African for "late."

There it is. Patrick?

Congratulations, Ed.

That is the 1,000th racial slur
that you've said in group.

I'm so touched.

You think nobody's listening,
and it turns out they are.

Here you go, Ed. We got you this.

It says "World-Class Jackass"
in both English and Spanish

because we know how much you
hate that on government forms.

Why did you get him a bowling trophy?

I asked for one with a Klan guy on top,

but that really
pisses them off down there

at Davon's Trophies.

Sorry I'm late.

Lacey, we're about done here.

Yeah, I know, but I just wanted
to get your opinion on this.

Oh, my God.

I think that dress is beautiful, Lacey.

Uh, no, it's not the dress.

Can't you tell I'm wring
a fake pregnant stomach?

Yeah, but I didn't want
to say anything just in case

the dress was making you
look hugely fat.

Lacey, why are you
pretending to be pregnant?

Probably because some rich old
boyfriend's coming into town

and she wants to shake
some money out of him.

That is so not true.

I have my rich old grandma
coming in from India

and I want to shake
some money out of her.

Welcome to America, Grandma.

That's how we do it here.

My grandma has this family heirloom ring

that's worth, like, a kajillion dollars.

And she said that whichever grandchild
has a kid first is gonna get it.

Lacey, this is so selfish.
You're a fake mother.

You're supposed to be a role
model for your pretend baby.

Well, I am not gonna
let my sister get that ring.

She sleeps with everybody, and she
cannot get pregnant before me.

And I am not selfish.

If anything, I am making
the ultimate sacrifice

by letting myself look like a
backward version of Kim Kardashian.

Lacey, not to poke any holes in
your latest get-rich-quick scheme,

which is, like,
your hundredth this year...

Patrick, I was exaggerating
to make a point.

At some point, you're gonna
have to produce a real baby.

No, that's the beautiful part.

My Grandma Mumbai is so old and sick

that by the time
I'm gonna have this baby,

she'll be dead.

Oh, hey, everyone.
Charlie, you got a second?

Yeah, sure. We're just wrapping up here.

See you all next Monday.

Lacey!

Congratulations! When's the big day?

Well, I'm showing
my grandma this weekend

and then I'm tossing it in the dumpster.

Hey, Martin, you find
a new roommate yet?

I feel bad about
leaving you high and dry.

No, no, I understand, Ed.

You had to get back to your wife.

Who cares if my rent doubled,
my pension plan bellied up,

and I'm barely getting by
on Social Security?

- As long as you're happy.
- Oh, I am!

Dottie's making a pot roast
and we just got HBO.

You are surrounded by demons.

Yeah, and sometimes they just
show up at the front door.

That's very funny.

You are a very funny man.

So how's my favorite son?

I'm not lending you money, Dad.

I would never ask you to lend me money.

Give me money, yes,
but not lend me money.

I didn't lend you life, I gave you life.

But that's not why I'm here.

Listen, great news... there
is a new woman in my life.

Dad, I told you, Siri is
just a voice in your iPhone.

Her name is Joanne and things are
starting to get pretty serious.

But before we go any further,
she'd like to meet my family.

Look, I don't want any part of this.

Just do what I do when someone
wants to meet my family.

- What?
- Tell them they're all dead.

And when she starts crying, go for it.

We are talking about
moving in together, Charlie.

But first she wants to be sure that
I am a person of good character.

People my age still care
about that, see?

Well, then, you're screwed.

You heard me call you
a demon earlier, right?

Listen, this is very important.

I have been going on and on
about how accomplished you are

and she's very impressed.

But I may have exaggerated a bit.

I told her that you had
a master's in psychology.

I do have a master's in psychology.

- From Harvard.
- No, from Cal State Dominguez Hills.

Which everyone knows
is a division of Harvard.

- No, it's not.
- It is now. Congratulations.

No, listen, you can help
put this over the top, son.

She can take care of me.

She's got a house on a golf
course, for God's sakes.

Does that little windmill block
your view of the rest of the holes?

I'm very serious. This is real money.

You're just with her 'cause she's rich?

That's horrible.

With my current
financial situation, son,

if this doesn't work out,
I'm moving back in with you.

You know what? Love grows.

What time are you kids stopping by?

Anger Management 2x88
Charlie Gets Tied Up with A Catholic Girl

- Hey, Dad.
- Hey there, Charlie.

I'd like you to meet Joanne.

- Very nice to meet you.
- And you.

You know, all your father
does is talk about you.

About your therapy practice,
about your baseball career,

and about your work with the
starving children in Africa.

Yeah, you'd wonder what a
psychologist could do about that.

You'd think their problem
would be hunger.

But it turns out it's low
self-esteem and bad body image.

We have a mutual love and
respect for each other, Joanne.

I'm a little embarrassed
to say it in front of him,

but just last week he said
that I was the best father

he could ever possibly imagine.

And, believe me, I have tried to
imagine a lot of different fathers.

Oh, you know, I'm sorry,
but we really have to go.

My daughter's in the car and we
don't want to be late for church.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm sorry, what?

Oh, you remember, Charlie.

I told you we're going to mass together.

That's right. I'm sorry. I messed up.

I accidentally went to the early mass.

I received communion just hours ago.

I've already had my recommended

daily allowance of the body of Christ.

Oh, what a shame.

Mary Kathleen is going to be singing
the responsorial song today.

That's right, Charlie.
You don't want to miss that.

I really don't, but I wouldn't
be able to stay long anyway.

I teach a Bible study class
to the underprivileged.

I thought it was time that somebody
finally brought religion to the poor.

I'm sorry to interrupt, but I
really need to get to church.

Yes.

Oh, hi. You mu be Charlie.

Hi, nice to meet you.

Let's go.

Uh, I thought you had a Bible
class for the underprivileged.

Well, the Bible is filled with mysteries

and today's mystery is where's Charlie?

It never really feels like a Sunday
until I bless myself with holy water.

Really? 'Cause it never
feels like Sunday to me

until about 4:00 in the afternoon.

Anything before that
is still Saturday night.

Charlie, let's light
a candle for Aunt Rose.

I'll see you in there.

We'll be right in.

I'll give Aunt Rose a fiver.

Bought me my first pack of smokes.

The hell with Aunt Rose.

Stop flirting with Mary Kathleen.

Dad, I can't help it
that I'm naturally charming.

You know, it skipped a generation.

Charlie, listen to me.

Mary Kathleen is a virgin.

She's a what?

Joanne tells me that she's proud her
daughter's saving herself for marriage.

Well, that's crazy. I've been married

and it's not worth saving yourself for.

You keep your pants on
unless you want to see me

walking around your house without
mine for the rest of your life.

Well, that's impossible.

The best part about being a
kid is the parents die first.

I'm warning you,
stay away from that girl.

Fine.

Charlie, there's room next to me.

No, no, I like sitting
closer to the front.

That way my prayers get answered first.

Let us begin with silent prayer.

Hi. Mind if I keep you company?

Sure. Just know that I
am a wild genuflector.

People on both sides of me have taken
elbows to the face in the name of God.

I want you to spank me
like an angry nun.

I'm sorry, what?

I want you to tie me up
and teach me who's boss.

Well, according to this book, God's boss.

If you ask me, close
second... Bruce Springsteen.

I know I come off as a
sweet little church girl,

but I like doing things worth
going to confession for.

Have you considered
robbing a liquor store?

Mary Kathleen will join us now.

I gotta go sing for God.

He knows I'm not wearing any underwear

and now so do you.

Lord, give me the strength
to resist temptation.

I'm serious this time.

I don't want to do this.

You don't know anything
about being pregnant

and your grandmother is gonna
figure that out right away.

Shh, relax, Nolan.

I skimmed a stupid baby book.
Everything will be fine.

- What's a C-section?
- Really bad seats in a concert. Next.

So, Lacey,

I always knew you would be the first one

to give me a great-grandchild.

I just thought it would
happen in high school.

Well, I think you have the wrong
impression of me, Grandma,

because Nolan is actually the first
man that I've ever been with.

So how has the pregnancy been so far?

It's not what I expected
now that I'm expecting.

For example, in the first trimester,

I experienced one, nausea;
two, hemorrhoids;

and, three, other symptoms
depending on the individual.

So where's that ring, Grandma?

Here it is, dear.

This ring was made
for my great-great-grandmother

and has the largest ruby...

Hey, Grandma. Guess who's pregnant!

- You.
- You.

Sateen.

Lacey, you did not tell me
your sister is also pregnant.

Well, she didn't even know
herself until this morning.

I thought I was retaining water,
but then it started moving.

Now I'm doubly blessed.

I'm in my third trimester, Grandma.

I'm in my fourth.

Hey, you wanna go play laser tag?

Laser tag? What are we, 12?

Hell, yeah, I wanna play laser tag.

Awesome.

Dude, let's go. I will check times.

Damn it.

How could they have
birthday parties all day?

Kids ruin it for everybody.

I really could've used
the distraction, too.

I gotta take my mind
off of Mary Kathleen.

Mary Kathleen? What is she, a nun?

No, no, no, she is not a nun.

She is the fantasy girl
of all fantasies.

You're kidding.

Where'd you meet a hot Asian
flamenco dancer with an eye patch?

What? No, no.

She's a good Catholic girl who
wants to do very bad things,

but it'd be a problem for my dad.

What's with the eye patch?

That way she's never fully naked.

You want to leave a little
bit to the imagination.

What are you imagining? It's an eye.

Ooh, hey, text message
from the laser tag place.

Two of the Weinberg kids... out sick.

- We're in.
- Oh, that's great.

Hi.

Hi, Mary Kathleen.
What are you doing here?

I wanted to talk to you for a minute.

I need to apologize.

Sure. Please, come on in.
This is my friend Sean.

- Sean, Mary Kathleen.
- Nice to meet you.

Hi.

I'm gonna leave you two alone.

Ahem.

Listen, you really
don't need to apologize.

No, I do.

I thought about it and I realized
I can't have sex with you.

For the first time since my father
died, my mom is finally happy.

But if she thinks you deflowered me,

she'll judge your father
and that'll ruin everything.

I was worried about the same thing.

I don't want to do anything
to break them up.

Because you love your father so much,
you want him to be happy, too?

Sure, let's go with that.

Too bad.

I really want you.

No, wait, wait, wait. This can work.

We both have something to keep a secret.

Now you can do all that stuff
that you talked about in church.

Well, I'll just have to, um,

spend a little extra time
in confession tomorrow.

From your mouth to God's ears.

So when I got pregnant
three weeks before Lacey,

I thought, "Wow, it's good to be
pregnant three weeks before Lacey."

That way I can be there for her

because I'll have known what
it was like to have a baby.

"Three weeks before her."

You're such a wonderful
little sister, Sateen,

but I'm scared that the baby is draining

all the blood away from your brain,

because I saw you last week
and you were, like, 90 pounds.

Yeah, well, some of us
don't get all huge and gross

as fast as some other people do.

I never had a sister to help me.

I did, but she got typhoid.

Then she got better, but then
she was torn apart by monkeys.

And then what happened?

Nolan, sweetie, Grandma has some
gifts for us in her luggage.

Why don't you go help her
bring them out?

Sure.

Uh, you know, I was thinking
of getting a monkey as a pet,

but after hearing your story, I
think I'm just gonna get a cobra.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

I'm the older sister, I get the ring.

Hey, I thought of this scam
at the same time you did.

My pregnancy is way more believable.

What do you have under there, a pillow?

Yeah. What've you got?

I've got some Hollywood
big-budget special effects

"Avatar" stuff going on under here.

You can even feel the baby's head.

And if the batteries weren't dead,

it'd be kicking.

You're a scheming little bitch.

I know, right?

Here, girls. I brought you both
some of that perfume you like.

- Oh.
- Thank you, Grandma.

You know, the baby's sleeping right now,

but if you want to feel the
head, it's right here.

Oh, the head is fully formed.

You must be farther along than Lacey.

Sateen, you are getting the ring.

- What?
- Oh, don't worry.

I've got something for you, too.

This antique letter opener
belonged to my sister.

It is beautiful.

- But, sadly, it cannot kill a monkey.
- Oh.

Thank you, Grandma.

This is perfect.

Look, Sateen. Look what Grandma gave me.

Oops.

- Oops!
- Oh!

- Hey, Charlie.
- What are you doing here?

- I thought you were supposed to be at the
church picnic. - Yeah, but it ended early.

The woman who made the tuna salad left
it sitting out in her car all morning.

Suffice it to say, the egg toss
became the everything toss.

So, you're here to throw up?

No, I just came by to say hi.

But I might throw up. I'm not sure yet.

This is so hot, Charlie.

You did a great job with these knots.

I really feel like I can't get out.

So, who won the egg toss?

Damn it, Charlie. I asked
you to do one thing.

Yeah, well, she asked me
to do three things

and they sounded way more fun.

You're gonna ruin it with Joanne.

Don't you realize how
much that woman means to me?

She has a pool!

Martin, I'm really getting concerned.

I have called every place I can think of

- and I can't find Mary Kathleen.
- I'm concerned, too.

We should go and look
for her immediately,

outside this house.

Charlie, where are you?

I can't reach my wine straw.

Mary Kathleen?
What is she doing upstairs?

She's alive. Nothing else matters.

Mom!

What have you done to my daughter?

What did he do? Why, I'll
tell you what he did.

He saved her life, that's all.

Somebody busted in here and forced
her to wear that skimpy lingerie

and tied her up to the bed like that

and God only knows
what would've happened

if Charlie hadn't come in here

- and... and... and...
- Chased them away.

- Chased them away!
- It's true.

What were you doing
in Charlie's house anyway?

Joanne, I was performing
an exorcism on your daughter.

- She's possessed by demons.
- What?

I didn't want to worry you at the
picnic, Joanne, but it's true.

Come on, Charlie,
don't just stand there.

We've gotta drive Satan
out of that poor girl.

You're right, right.

Uh, the power of Christ compels you.

The power of Christ compels you!

Come out, demon! Come out now!

Blah.

Really?

You wanted to be spanked by angry nuns

and that's the best demon you got?

Before we get
to the reading of the will,

I just need to record
the cause of death.

It was a heart attack.

I can't believe she just
collapsed in front of you.

- She just fell over.
- It's the truth.

And then she looked up at me

and she said, "I want you
to have everything"

because I love you
so much more than Sateen."

And then she was gone.

- I think she said something else.
- No, she was dead.

Couldn't speak.

Well, it doesn't really matter
because the written will

supersedes any verbal promises.

Okay, so who gets what?

According to the last will and testament

of Anjali Lilavati Balasubramanian...

she leaves her heirloom ring
to her daughter Mira.

- Crap.
- Damn it.

Oh.

Merry Christmas, darling.

And she lees the rest
of her fortune of $6 million

to her first great-grandchild,

which will be held in trust
the child's parent.

Grandma was so fair.

Well, I'm gonna go home

and bang the crap out of my boyfriend.

Hey.

I'm here.

All right, your room's ready

and, I'm not gonna lie,
I've been drinking since noon.

I'm not gonna lie either.

I got you beat by two hours.

So how's this gonna work?

We'll just stay out of each other's way.

How would you feel about a slide

that goes straight
from your bedroom window

to the front seat of your car?

Look, you're not happy, I'm not happy.

But there is one way
you can get out of this.

Let me just say this.

If we're doing
murder-suicide, I go first.

All right, maybe there are two ways.

And the second way is that
you give me enough money

to cover my losses with my pension fund

and pay my rent.

How much are we talking?

I wrote ll down on this piece of paper.

If I give you this,
I'd have to get rid of cable,

take a bag lunch to work
every day on the bus.

Done.

I'll see you at Christmas.

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