All language subtitles for The.Spy.Who.Never.Dies.2022.1080p.WEBRip.x264-RARBG

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[pulsating explosion]

[maniacal laughter]

[static noise]

[dramatic orchestral music playing]

[man 1 in Russian accent speaks inaudibly]

[man 2] It's not working.

-[whimpering]
-[man speaking inaudibly]

Mayday. We have no power.

Please, work. Please.

Who you are?

[in American accent] Are you the captain?

Yes…

I'm here to take your big load.

Okay. Here. Here, please.
You no hurt me, please.

Here, please. Take.

Take my big load. Take it.

Please. Please, take it.

[dramatic orchestral music playing]

Amateurs.

Up, periscope!

[fast orchestral music playing]

-Bradly.
-Suzan.

Your gift is still under the tree
out the front. Where have you been?

I think you know where I've been, Suzan.

Ah, yes. Italy. How was it?

Well, let's just say
somebody spilled their coffee.

Good.

Looks like you've had a great time there,
consuming some spaghetti.

I can eat whatever the hell I want
on assignments, Suzan.

Besides, I intermittent fast, so…

What's on your mind?

I have given this a lot of thought.

[Brad] And, well…

-I want out.
-[Suzan coughing]

I'm sorry, what was that?
[crunching on ice cubes]

You know what I mean, Suzan. I just…

I don't want to spy anymore.

Okay? There, I said it.

Not that I spy much.

I mean, to be honest, it's an assassin job
at best when you think about it.

You know what else, Suzan?

I mean, just, I am sick and tired

of all the running and the killing,
the killing and the running.

And don't even get me started with
the henchmen. I mean, seriously.

You know what, Suzan?

I mean, I have to kill so many henchmen.

I don't even know these guys.
They could be lovely people.

You know what keeps me up at night, Suzan?

I see a child without a father
playing catch by themselves.

[in kiddie voice] "Daddy."

What exactly do you mean by "out"?

Don't shit with me, Suzan.
You know exactly what I mean.

-Can you please sit down?
-Fine.

These henchmen,
they're responsible for their own selves.

Whatever!

It's just-- just all that stuff.

It's like, it's other… stuff.

Okay.

Tell me what happened.

It all started when I got back from Italy.

I'd just got the stolen plutonium back.

Again.

Everything felt different. Strange.

Like I was slowly sinking deeper
and deeper in this pit.

Pit of shit, or something similar.

Like I was going in circles. Killing.

Spying. Assassinating.

And then I got the message.

No, "Hi, how's life?"

Or, "How'd the plutonium mission go?"

Nope.

Just another job.

[lounge music playing]

-[man on TV] I certainly am not.
-[phone pings]

Breaking news, a new weapon
developed by the Russians

called hypersonic missiles,

all seven of them have been stolen
from a secret underwater submarine

allegedly attempting to move the missiles

to a supposed undisclosable location
somewhere in Russia.

Something called Operation Gigolo.

[female on TV] Sounds like
the Russians are at it again…

[report continues indistinctly]

-[morose music playing]
-[phone pinging]

[electronic beeping]

[hard rock music playing]

[electronic beeping]

-[music stops abruptly]
-[bystanders screaming]

[bystander] Oh shit,
someone's fucking shot him!

[bystanders clamoring, shouting]

-[screeching tires]
-[horn blares]

[dog whimpers, thuds]

-[screeching tires]
-[woman] Please! Somebody help!

[collision]

[man shouts indistinctly] Fuck that dog!

You took the dog?

Bradly, you know never to take the dog.

[groans] I don't even know
why that's even a thing.

You know what happened to John!

Wickey? I mean, come on.
Wickey just took that way too far.

Guy meets girl, girl dies.

-I know the story.
-Guy gets dog, dog gets killed.

Next thing you know,
the house is getting blown up.

-Everybody's trying to kill him.
-I know the story, Suzan.

It's simple, no pets!

Fine. I'm sorry, okay?

I fucked up.

Please, continue.

[soul music playing]

-That's when I met her.
-Oh, God.

[sighs fondly]

Veronica.

[woman speaking indistinctly]

Can someone help me? Help!

Anybody?

[woman keeps talking indistinctly]

Can someone help me?

Just give me one second,
Tess, I'll be right there.

[sentimental music playing]

Sorry, it's been a really crazy
few hours, you know?

Half a dozen dogs were just released
in the park by some lunatic,

who did actually die, apparently,
so fair enough.

But also, like, you can imagine,

little doggy limbs everywhere,
they all got hit by cars.

-Just… [makes squishing sound]
-They all got hit by cars?

They all got hit by cars.

-Every single one of them?
-Every single one of them.

[distant woman speaking
indistinctly, hysterically]

By the way, you have a little bit
of chocolate on your face.

Oh, that's just dog shit. Yeah.

Oh.

Does look like it's broken.

I'll need to keep her here for the night.
Get some X-rays done.

Just, you know,
keep her under observation.

-Is that going to be okay with you?
-Yeah, sure.

Okay. Cool. What's her name?

[distant clamor, dogs barking]

-Pluto.
-Pluto. Aww. Hey, Pluto.

So, um, we should have
her X-rays back by tomorrow.

I can call you if you like.

Or you can come in. Or I can call you.
Actually, I'll call you.

You know, maybe it is best
that I just come in.

-Let's do that.
-Okay.

Yeah.

-All right.
-Okay.

-Bye.
-Bye.

God, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I just, um…

-Are you okay?
-I am. I'm fine.

Yeah, you seem fine.

Thanks. I mean, apart from
all the dog shit, I'm great.

Yeah, I…

-Just be careful on your way out!
-Okay.

-Bye.
-Bye.

Bye.

What a fucking weirdo.

Oh my God, I know.
I was just like, "Blah, blah, blah."

No. Him!

There was something special about her.
Her smile. Her eyes. Her lips.

The crazy hair. It was all perfect.

This phase that you're going through…

It's not a phase, Suzan.

Okay, fine. This meltdown
that you're having.

It's completely normal.

I'm serious, Suzan. I want out.

I'll tell you what we're going to do.

You are going to go on
a really good break.

Seriously?

I am serious, yes!

Take all this positive energy of yours
and share it all over Veronica

and get it out of your system
for a few days,

and then come back here
and we can talk about it.

Have you listened to anything
that I just said, Suzan?

You're welcome.

You know what? Fine.

But no calls,

and no messages to take anyone out.

I'm serious, Suzan. If anyone does…

Somebody is gonna get it.

Approved.

-Fine.
-Great.

Fine.

-Fine.
-Great.

Great. Okay.

Oh, and Bradley?

Just remember, you are a spy.

And you have a lot of enemies.

More enemies than
all the other spies put together.

Just… watch your back.

Thanks for your hostility, Suzan.
Sorry, I meant hospitality.

Fucking Suzan.

Fucking Brad!

[Russian national anthem playing]

[indistinct chatter in Russian]

[man] Ow. Shit.

[phone rings]

Ow, shit!

Psst!

[whispers] No.

We have a mission, brother!

Finally, a mission!

Yes!

Okay. Here is plan.

Number one. We finish massage.

We finish massage.

Number two. We celebrate.

We celebrate? I like that.

Number three. Then, we find fast bombs.

Fast bombs. Yeah.

[groans]

[murmurs indistinctly in Russian]

[mutters inaudibly]

[men keep speaking Russian]

[both men moaning]

[dramatic orchestral music playing]

[puffer hisses]

-James.
-Fuck, Brad. Stop doing that shit.

You know I hate it when you do that.

I just, I sat down, like every other time.

[dramatic ambient music playing]

[James] Could you at least start with a,

"Hello, how are you, do you
have a girlfriend yet?"

Which, I mean, I don't,
but I probably would

if it wasn't for this fucking job.

Here. To show you
how much I appreciate you.

-Are they fresh?
-Mm-hm.

Sourdough!

-No.
-What?

No. See, this right here gets me worried.

You giving before you get
reeks of off-the-book job, man.

This is on my book, okay?

And I always pay my debts, you know that.

Wanna know what happened to me last time?

I got violated. Literally, I got violated.

They took away my satellite privileges
for, like, more than a week, man,

I can't go through that shit again.

James, you are the only one
that I can trust with this.

-The only one.
-Really?

Yes. Really.

What do you need?

Just do some background digging.

Holy shit. You're taking out The Vet?

Not The Vet. I mean, she is a vet, but…

Not The Vet.

Well, I mean, who is she then?
Is she, like, a normal?

Like, a standard human
with problems and stuff?

You know, find out what her hobbies are.
Favorite café, favorite restaurant.

Family info. Does she, y'know, does she…

She what?

Have a boyfriend.
Does she have a boyfriend?

No. No, I-- I can't. I can't do that.

Brad, I really don't want to do this.
This makes me really…

-I can't do it. No, I'm not doing it!
-Whoa, whoa, James, relax.

Maybe you're right.
Maybe I should, you know,

look around for some new IT support.

I mean, I did hear that you're buying
drones that your skills can't cash.

Wait, who said that?
Did you talk to the union, man?

Fuck those guys.

I may be emotionally scarred, have anxiety
and depressive issues. I know that.

But can you please sit down? Please?

I know that you are the best.
That's why I came to you.

That's why I can trust you.

I just… I just don't understand it.

You've had thousands
and thousands of girls before.

-I mean, you can get any girl you want.
-Yeah.

But, y'know, they're
always assassin girls,

spy girls, villain girls.

I mean, this one, this one, she's…

She's special.

Give me a day.

And no one can know about this.
Especially Suzan.

-Yeah, sure. Fuck Suzan.
-Yeah. Fuck Suzan.

Yeah. You know, I met this really cute
girl at the café a few days ago.

Yeah, I really want to talk to her,
but I'm scared that…

I dunno. I'm scared if I say anything,
she might…

I dunno. She might slap me
across the face.

Maybe I'm just overthinking it.

What do you think I should…

Brad?

[dramatic orchestral music playing]

[engine revving]

Oh, yes. Come to mama.

Only six levels of encryption?

What an amateur!

[dramatic music continues]

"James Bonder."

Diary?

Oh, a bromance.

So sweet.

I'd like to speak to the Boss.

I'm the one who took his big load.

Calling to see if he'd like it back.

[man groans]

[The Vet] Please, stop moving.

[fast orchestral music playing]

This not make sense.

[speaking German]

[in English] Unbelievable.

To find someone who has
so many bullets in head

and still be alive.

Mm? Yeah?

We tried many times before,
experiments. Never work!

Here.

[music crescendos, stops abruptly]

It's best I can do.

-Fucking Brad!
-[drum roll]

[Russian folk metal music playing]

[cellphone rings]

Hello?

[groans]

[man speaks indistinctly]

[dramatic orchestral music playing]

Talk to me, Jennifer.

A new weapon, well, seven of them,
developed by the Russians

called hypersonic missiles

have been stolen by a new player
known as Trident.

These two are the Zarzoff brothers.

Ernie and Bernie.

They're the sons of the Russian oligarch
known as the Boss.

Do we have any idea of their intentions?

We have reason to believe that
the weapons will be used simultaneously

at seven locations around the world

by the Russians.

But you just said that they were
stolen from the Russians.

Yes, that is correct.

Right.

I'm really confused right now.

Intelligence believes that
Trident may have stolen the missiles,

and then "may or may not"
have given them back to the Russians

under the strict agreement
that they must use their stolen missiles

to attack seven locations around the world
that are currently "unknown" to us.

For fuck's sake, that's hardly
what I'd call "intelligence."

Find out whatever you can
about these hyperthingy thingies.

And get Roger back on the thingy-thingy

because I think it's about time
he find out how pathetic

this agency really has gotten.

Yes, ma'am.

These fucking Russians!

[funk music playing]

[distant animal noises]

Hello?

[distant dogs barking]

Hello?

[barking and meowing from through doorway]

[gun clicks]

[fast orchestral music playing]

[music crescendos]

[music stops abruptly]

Excuse me.
This area is out of bounds, clearly.

Yeah, I'm so sorry.
I was told to come back here.

-I-- I was due to pick up my dog.
-Oh, right here?

You were told to wait right here
in this exact spot

in the out-of-bounds area?

-Right here?
-No, not right here.

Yeah, no, I imagine not, because
it'd be incredibly stupid to allow

-a white Caucasian male, early forties…
-Mid-thirties.

…back here in the restricted,
special-people-only area.

The exact demographic of 95%
of serial killers in the entire world.

Okay. Well, that's good to know.

Aww. Aren't they just so fucking pathetic.

Do you have any idea
how many good-looking males

walk through that door every day
with their bunch of amazing flowers

and sick-dog routine and try and hit on V?

That happens a lot?

Yeah, and it's happening
by a good-looking serial killer right now.

She hates flowers, by the way.
Just saying, FYI.

She doesn't even like guys much.

Oh.

Oh, she's gay. I mean, not that
there's anything wrong with that.

-No, that's not what I'm saying.
-You kinda did.

Oh. Did I, serial killer?

Okay…

-You're back!
-Oh, hey!

Wow, flowers? They're amazing,
are they for me?

I'm kidding, of course they're not.

But you know, that'd be super-weird.
They're obviously for your dog.

That is super-thoughtful. I mean,
you know, that's pretty cute, right?

Well, Pluto…

You know what, I've just been telling him
how busy you've been.

Like, 24/7 busy, you don't really
have any time for serial killers.

Can you get Pluto from the back for me?

Don't want to go get Pluto from the back--

For me. Thank you.

So, Pluto's X-ray came back,

and she did break her leg, unfortunately.

-Oh, that's terrible.
-But it's so fine, I put a splint on it.

-So you can take her home today.
-Today?

You've just got to keep an eye on her
for a week, but she is all yours.

-All mine?
-Yeah.

-That's great. No problem.
-Yeah, great news, right?

-I bet you've been missing her.
-Oh…

I really love flowers.

Oh! That's good.

It's just… ah, it doesn't matter.

[bee buzzing]

'Cause… these are for you.

-What? For--
-For you.

[bee keeps buzzing]

Get out!

Wow!

[bee buzzing]

Oh. Uh-oh.

-What?
-It got me.

What? You… oh!

Oh, you're… oh.

-Allergy.
-Okay. You gotta be kidding me.

-Okay. Are you… uh-huh.
-I can't breathe!

All right. I'm just gonna… okay.

-Tess! Hurry.
-What? Oh my God. What happened? V?

She's going into anaphylactic shock.
Do either of you have an EpiPen?

-The Shih Tzus ate it last week.
-Okay!

Uh, give me some water.

-Okay.
-Okay, water.

[choking]

Iris, activate EpiPen.

[Iris] EpiPen activated.

-[gasps]
-There we go, you're back!

There you go.

And… hello?

What's going on? And you're… gone.

Uh…

I got the water.

Oh, my fucking God.
Is she gonna fucking die?

Okay, that's not good.

Oh my God, is she dead?

Out of curiosity, she doesn't have
a heart condition, by any chance?

Yeah, if her heart rate goes
too high, her heart can stop,

which is why we use a special EpiPen.

Okay. Uh… I…

Do me a favor.

Get me some blankets, some sugar,
some salt, ah, some water?

-Call an ambulance as well, okay?
-Okay, sure.

[dramatic orchestral music playing]

Iris, activate defib unit.

Defib unit activated.

Now charging.

And…

[Iris] Defib unit now ready.

-[gasps]
-Oh, hello!

Hey.

There you go. You're okay.

We're okay. It's okay.

Okay. I've got everything,
but I couldn't find any sugar.

-It's fine. Ambulance is on the way?
-Yeah. Ten minutes.

Okay.

-Hey, welcome back.
-Thank God, V.

Who the fuck are you?

Me? Oh, no one. I sell candles.

Candles?

[slow orchestral music playing]

[sighing, muttering indistinctly]

-Hi.
-Brad! You're still here.

Yeah, you know, I…

I figured it was the least I could do,
considering what happened.

Oh, and…

I got you these.

Don't worry, they're fake.

And I sprayed them as well.

With all-natural ingredients.

I figured that you probably
wouldn't want to kill anything,

even if it was the thing
that tried to kill you.

-I'll just put them…
-Yeah. Yeah, thank you.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

Look, I was wondering…

Well, not wondering,
I wanted to ask you something.

And it's just…

-I'm not very good at this.
-[phone beeps]

-[dramatic orchestral music playing]
-Okay.

Just give us a sec.
I just, I'm just gonna…

Oh, actually! Don't drink that.

It's, you know, it's old.

It's probably got dust in it, so…
I can get you another one.

[hard rock music playing]

[music stops abruptly]

[music resumes]

Okay, okay, um. Tell you what?
I'm gonna close this

just because, you know,
it's a little bit draughty in here.

And I'm gonna get you another water!

So, don't go anywhere.

Stay there.
I'll get you a hot dog. A soda.

I'm rambling. I'm just gonna go.

Okay. I'll be right back.

[orchestral music playing]

[dramatic choral music playing]

[orchestral music resumes]

[grunts]

[woman grunts]

[groans]

[whimpers]

[grunts, yells]

[grunts, groans]

Tess?

-So, you're okay?
-Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm fine. Yeah, he's here.

[man groans]

[loud orchestral music playing]

[coughs]

Ah!

[grunts]

[both assassins grunt, groan]

-[quiet orchestral music playing]
-Seriously, V, I've no idea how he did it.

I feel like there can only
be one explanation.

-And what's that?
-He's a superhero!

They exist, V! You know,
you've seen all those Glass films,

and the other films from the guy
who made those Glass films.

They're out there, V!

You're like this weak, innocent, fragile,
useless person who's, you know,

completely normal.

And he's just attracted
to his polar opposite, which is you!

That's not very helpful.

-[loud orchestral music playing]
-[grunting]

Fucking Twins.

I better go. Okay, bye.

Who're you spying on?

No one.

There was just this little kid, and I got
the last soda, and he just went ballistic.

Dangerous move.

Yeah. So, how're you feeling?

Doctor said I can go, so…

Great timing.

You were saying something, actually,
before you disappeared.

Yeah. Uh… yeah. Look, I just…

I just…

I wanted to clear something up.

And just be honest
and transparent with you.

I know it seems as though I was the one
responsible for nearly killing you.

Actually killing me.

Okay. Fair enough.

But really, I mean,

it was the bee that did it.

Un-bee-lievable.

I know, right?

And he should've been here
to explain this to you.

But he's dead.

It may have been the bee
who mis-bee-haved.

But you're an accomplice, so…

No, fair enough. Okay, yeah.

I'll tell you what. Why don't we just
leave this bee stuff behind us,

and just focus on new bee-ginnings?

[phone vibrates, beeps]

What do you think?

-Whoa!
-What's wrong?

-Gee, like, I guess it's just…
-What is?

…really quite bee-wildering to me

how long it's taking you
to ask me out on a date.

So I'm gonna do it for you.

I like pumpkin soup.
Do you like pumpkin soup?

I do.

Would you like to have
pumpkin soup with me?

-[alarm goes off, commotion outside]
-Yes.

Do you accept this mission?

-I do.
-[commotion getting louder]

What is going on out there?

You know. It's a hospital.

Sounds like someone's having twins.

[dramatic Russian choral music playing]

[camera shutter clicking]

[engine revving]

-[indistinct chatter]
-[softly] Fucking Russians.

Hey, I can't get the focus working.
Can you help me?

[Uri] Oh, very nice bike.

[Orgi] Very slick, I like it.

Gentlemen.

We here to take missiles back.

On the contrary. I'm here
to give you your missiles back.

How much?

How much for what?

Missile.

Nothing.

Oh, I like it. You are hard negotiator.

[Orgi] Very… very sexy.

I like it. How much?

As it seems you have not been informed:

I'm giving you back your missiles,

and you will use your fleet
of MiG fighter jets

to take down some targets of my choosing.

Interesting, interesting.

So, like personal vendetta…

Like a revenge motive?
You know, like a real spy film.

[both continue discussing indistinctly]

Can't we just give you money
and then take missiles?

-It's much easier.
-No. You can't.

Your boss agreed.

Boss? Boss never said that.
Where are these missile thingies, hmm?

-There.
-Where?

In the water.

[choral music playing]

You sink it?

It's not part of deal!

-For fuck's…
-[Uri] The Boss is not happy.

-[grunts angrily]
-[Uri] Super, duper unhappy!

No! I didn't sink it. It's a submarine.

-[Uri] Oh.
-It's your submarine.

-Could be submarine.
-Could be submarine.

Here.

[talking indistinctly on phone]

[scoffs] Again?

Will you seriously sit down, please?

…will make you more sensitive…

I think it's the right size.

-[both] Yeah!
-[laughter]

Oh my God.

How we get there?

-You swim.
-Swim?

-We could swim. Yeah.
-Could swim. Yeah.

Who is this personal vendetta with?

Fucking Brad.

Brad? The Brad?

Who's "Brad"?

Like a spy legend.
Brad is like a spy legend.

I'll send you the activation codes
when they're in the air.

He never dies! He's like a hero
in this spy action film.

-We're not in spy action film.
-All the bullets aimed at him…

[Orgi imitates machine gun fire]
Nothing gets him! Nothing gets him!

Who are you?

[woman on phone] In the head.

[camera shutters clicking]

[orchestral music playing]

[man] What is going on there, Suzan?
Don't sound fucking good to me.

Tell him, Jennifer.

These missiles are unstoppable, sir.

The only thing unstoppable
is my wife's spending habits.

These missiles are phenomenally accurate,

and can yield an impact equal to ten tons
of high explosives without a warhead.

They are also capable of reaching almost
any city on the planet within 30 minutes.

Well, where's fuckin' Brad?

Ain't he taking care of this shit?

I can't be doing
every fucking thing around here.

He'll be back online soon.

As soon as he refocuses,

and starts thinking
with that other head of his.

You just listen to me, Suzan.
You fucking listen to me right now.

You get those fucking bad balls back,
and you get Brad back. Goddammit!

Well, go on, sort it out, Jennifer!

I want Brad back in this room
within the hour.

And take Paradise with you
in case this try-hard shows up.

There is something else.

Oh, God. Of course there is.
What is it? Spit it out.

It's Walker. He's still alive.

Oh, for…

Well, take Natasha as well, then.

Are you sure that's a good idea?
I mean, given their… you know.

Well, clearly bullets
don't seem to be working, do they?

Just don't tell her that he's around
unless it's absolutely necessary.

It could very quickly lead
to a clusterfuck!

Yes, Suzan.

[lounge music playing]

-[music continues]
-[tableware clinking]

Thank you.

This place is beautiful.

Yeah, it's nice. It's relaxing.

You know, I actually saved
the owner's life once,

so he kind of owes me big-time.

Really? You do that a lot, save lives?

Well, only…

only the people that matter.

Well, and a few others.

You know what, I'm just gonna
get this out in the open.

You know, we don't have to talk about it.

No, I want to.

It's a really rare heart condition.

It makes me highly susceptible
to ventricular fibrillation,

or sudden cardiac arrest.

If my heart rate rises quickly, then

the electrical system in my heart
becomes irregular, and I pass out.

If that happens, I have two minutes…

and, well, you saw the rest.

It's no blood going to the brain…

You know, the worst thing is,
I can't drink coffee.

Well, you know what they say about coffee.

Just makes people do stupid things faster.

You're really not worried
that I could die at any moment?

No.

I mean, it's just a part of life.

Gotta live.

Besides, I'm actually more worried
about the calamari they serve here.

[phone vibrates]

-I'm so sorry.
-Candle business is booming, huh?

Yeah, yeah, vanilla spice, it's a hit.

You can take that if you want.

[phone keeps vibrating]

[slow guitar overture]

[orchestra comes in]

No. No, I'd rather pull my teeth out

or jump out a plane without a parachute

than take that call.

Okay.

So I would have thought that
being a vet would be stressful.

Weirdly enough, it's like,
around animals, I'm really calm.

Even in extreme circumstances,
there's just

something about them that makes me feel…

settled.

Anyway, that is enough about me.
I wanna know about you.

Me? Oh, uh…

How's life as a candle… guy?

Uh…

You know, I'm just going to go
to the restroom real quick.

What, again?

You know, I have some medication
for bladder control

I can give you for that.

It's for dogs.

-So same thing really.
-That's very funny.

You know, I will try it.
I'll try anything once.

I'll be right back.

Okay.

[orchestral music playing]

You know, I would really appreciate it

if we could just
pick this up another time.

You know, it's just I'm just right
in the middle of something

that's a very special moment.

-Trident says hello.
-Trident.

Where do they come up with these names?
I mean, honestly.

They still calling you "the Apprentice"?
As in, learning to assassinate?

Okay, well, yeah.
But it's a whole system, okay?

You know, it's a pyramid of apprentice,
apprenti, apprentees.

And like, it's better to be
the apprentice just under Trident,

than to be the boss
at the bottom of the pyramid.

She's there, and I'm just below her…

So Trident is a she.

-I didn't say that.
-Yeah, you kinda did.

-I didn't…
-I know that Trident's a woman.

You don't know anything, okay. It's like,
he, she, she's he, her's him, you know?

You heard what I wanted you to hear.

-Fine. He, she, they, whatever, okay?
-Let's go with they.

-Okay, they.
-Okay.

Is this Trident…
is she really worth dying for?

For you, maybe.

No, you mean for you.

No, I mean for you, she is-- he is. They.

Okay, she. But if I die,
it wouldn't be for that reason.

But you would die, though.

No, I get that. But what I'm saying is,
that wouldn't be the same thing

because I'm asking you,
are you willing to die for her?

Which implies I would be asking myself.

But I, clearly… [whispers] I wouldn't.

No.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

Okay, I'm… I'm super-confused.

Take a minute, and think about it.

Okay?

[orchestral music playing]

-Really?
-Yeah. You know who I am, right?

[grunting]

[groans]

Impressive.

[grunting, groaning]

[choking, wheezing]

Shh, it's okay.

It's okay, it's okay. Now just…
sleep, now. Okay.

Okay. Sleep, now.

Good, Apprentice. Good work.

I am terribly sorry that took so long.

Phew.

So. What did I miss?

You wanna get out of here?

Sure.

Let's.

[slow sentimental music playing]

Whoa. Okay. You need to be careful.
You literally just got out of hospital.

I don't wanna be careful anymore.

Besides. You saved my life once.

Do you think you can do it again?

Oh yeah, I'm highly skilled
in the area of saving lives, so I feel--

Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
I don't know what came over me.

Are you okay? You look…

-Whoa, hey. Hey, hey.
-Seriously, Brad, that was so aggressive.

-No. No, it's fine. It's fine. I mean…
-Is it?

Yeah, if that's something inside of you,

then it's probably best that,
you know, you get it out.

Otherwise, you're not being honest
with yourself. Or me.

Okay.

I feel so fucking great right now.

You are so great right now.

Stay right there.

I'm not going anywhere.

Oh, boy.

Oh my God.

Be cool. You got this, just…

Okay.

Let me see.

No snipers. No bad guys.

No villains, please.

[phone vibrates]

Tess!

V, what the hell are you doing?

I swear to God, you better be
feeding ducks right now,

or at least something very similar
but as equally boring.

I am going for it.

I mean, really going for it.

V, you literally just got out
of the hospital.

Actually, no, you just freaking died!

Remember that skimpy outfit
you bought me like six years ago,

and I've never had the guts to wear?

Putting it on.

Iris? Activate agency app.

-Uh-huh, and…
-Open mouth, please.

Now spraying.

Banana? Ugh, I hate banana.

Dispensing condom.

Ejecting now.

Ooh, banana!

Okay.

[phone vibrates]

This better be important, James.

I'm in the middle
of the best night of my life.

What are you talking about?
Everything I tell you is important.

Usually, it saves your life,
it's that friggin' important. Also…

I'm really busy right now. I can't talk.

Thank you, Tess, I love you.

[panting]

-Someone named Trident.
-What else?

It's a girl. I think she's linked
to the agencies.

She stole a hypersonic missile
and sold it to the Russians.

What, wait a minute. Only one?

Well, seven actually.

Brad?

-Wait, you need to know this--
-I gotta go.

Do you like it? It's a lot, isn't it?

I don't know what I was thinking.
I'm gonna go and take it off, it's so…

No. No, no, no, no. No.

It's perfect. Okay?

You're perfect. All right?

[orchestral funk music playing]

Brad!

Argh!

[frustrated noises]

[elevator dings]

[prominent bassline music playing]

-Go check the service elevator.
-On it.

[music continues]

[frustrated grunting]

Excuse me.

[peaceful music playing]

[in Russian accent] Does it hurt?

[in Russian accent] A little.

Actually, a lot.

What did the doctor say?

"No more bullet in head."

Missed you at the Christmas party.

I miss you so much.

I really wanted to come. But…

[grunts]

Why didn't you call me, huh?

I had to hear about it from Paradise.

I really wanted to.

Just, one bullet was pushing on another.

My mouth wouldn't work properly.

[tearfully] You poor thing.

I even tried to call you.

But the words were
all over the place, and not make sense.

My God. That's terrible.

[groans, sobs]

Oh, sorry!

It's okay. It's fine.

I'm sorry as well.

Honestly, this, it's never happened
to me so quickly before.

Never. Never, ever. Ever.

-Me neither.
-Really? Never?

-No.
-I'm sorry. I feel so ashamed.

-No, I mean me.
-You?

-Me.
-You've never had it happen to you before?

-I've never. No, I have never.
-Oh, you've never…

I've never come so quickly before.

Oh. Okay, okay.

-That's good. That's really good.
-Yeah.

It is.

[both at once] Cool.

[slow jazz music playing]

I wanna play a game.

-Okay.
-It's called Confessions.

Confessions?

It's a confession game? Oh.

Yeah. Cool. Confessions.

I'll go first.

-[grunts]
-Again!

-Again!
-[moans]

[orchestral music playing]

Natasha activated. Dogwalker neutralized.

En route to Brad.

[speaking French]

This is a big one for me. Have you ever…

hit anyone in anger?

Uh…

Have I ever hit anyone in anger?

Let me think about that one. Uh…

No.

Nope. Never.

Your turn.

Okay.

What's something you've
always wanted to do,

except you've been too afraid to do it?

Oh. There's lots of things.
Given my… condition.

-You mean anything?
-Anything.

I've always wanted to…

to…

have a threesome.

[grunts]

Cool. That's…

that's really, really cool.

-Cool.
-Cool.

[orchestral funk music playing]

[speaking French]

James, what the fuck?
I thought that was the one!

[speaking French]

-Evening, sir.
-No!

Sir, we're here to help.

Actually, we need your help.

I don't wanna help you,
and I don't need your help.

This is serious!

Yeah, when is it not serious?
Come on, we're spies.

-There's someone new--
-I know, okay!

It's Trident, she's working
with the Russians.

They've got new missiles, okay?

Does this sound familiar too? It should.

You want to know why? Because this
happens, like, every single year.

-[Veronica] Who is it?
-No one.

Right. If you don't come
with me right now,

I've been ordered
to break up this little romance

faster than you can say
"hypersonic missile."

-No.
-I don't want to, sir.

-But I will. I will.
-Okay, no. No.

-Have you heard of that Lucy, though?
-Yeah.

Yeah! You know what, I'll call you back.

Jen?

Don't! Come on, Jennifer.

-[Paradise] I think someone's here.
-Yeah, okay, go check it out.

Copy that.

You sound really busy,
maybe you should go check that out.

[Veronica] Who is it?

-Is everything all right?
-Hey. Yeah. This is…

Hi, I'm Mindy.

Hi, Mindy.

You called for me, and I'm coming for you.

Did you do this for me?

Wait, what? What?

Okay… yeah…

[forced laugh] Oh God.

[drum and bass music playing loudly]

[Paradise groans]

[Paradise in French] Here, bitch!

[grunting]

[Veronica] Whoo! Whoo!

-Where are you going?
-I just, you know…

-C'mon, we're having this party!
-Yeah, I gotta get some ice.

Well, hurry!

[funk music playing]

[exhales] Okay.

[groans]

Okay.

-[grunting]
-[drum and bass music playing loudly]

Nobody likes a gossip, Paradise.

-[Natasha] Fuck! I hate you!
-[Walker] Get up!

Fuck you.

You love her so much, go live with her.

Fuck you too!
I never wanna see your bitch face again.

Well, you never will!

Walker?

Fucking Brad!

[dramatic choral music playing]

Shit.

Always small.

Everything small.

Well, it's just 'cause you're so… big, so

things probably look small,
but I'd say I'm in proportion, so…

No hard feelings, what do you say?

None.

Okay, c'mon. Given the circumstances,

don't you think it's best we just, y'know,
pick this up maybe another time?

I dunno. Can we?

Okay, look. It was very
unprofessional of me.

And, y'know, I should've finished
the job when I had the chance.

You should have.

But you didn't.

-You're so lucky.
-Think about it. I mean,

you're still alive, you've got
a beautiful woman,

and you're alive.

So maybe you're lucky.

No. You lucky one!

Could we just maybe agree to disagree?

-[in Russian] No!
-Okay.

What're you doing? Really?

You really are doing this. Oh my God.

Okay.

Let's go.

Let's go, c'mon!

D?

Sweet-pea?

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean what I said.

Me either.

Please forgive me.

I just get super emotion
when you bring up my mother like that.

And I love your mother!

I just need to learn
how to handle the situation better.

I know she can be hard.

But she's my mamochka, you know?

And I respect how much you love her.

And I respect how much you respect that.

Come here.

[slow jazz music playing]

[relieved sigh]

Okay.

[bones clicking]

-[loud click]
-[groans]

[jaw clicking]

[loud click]

Hey.

Hi.

Nice hotel.

Oh, yeah. Lovely hotel. I love the décor.

Yeah. Great beds as well.

-Oh, very comfortable, yeah.
-Yeah.

-Like a cloud.
-Yes, just like that.

[Jennifer clears throat]

S…

-I get it. I really get it.
-Yeah, I know. She's great, huh?

But do you really think putting her in
all this danger is something you should do

to someone you care about?

You're a spy, Brad.
Falling in love just isn't what we do.

So I've been told.

Head Office for a briefing
in one hour. Be there.

Okay, fine. Hey, maybe we don't,
you know, mention this to Suzan?

Oh, yes, thank God!
I was thinking the exact same thing.

-For the best, yeah.
-Gosh, yes.

One team, one dream. I'm so glad
we are on the same page with that.

-That's perfect.
-No Suzan. Okay.

Oh, one more thing.

The little… you know.

Just rest, and no running for 24 hours

because things might fall out of you. So…

-Okay. Yeah.
-But you'll be fine. Okay. Good.

Thank you. Thank you for sharing.

Oh, man.

Dammit!

[glass smashing]

[helicopter noise]

Veronica?

V?

[helicopter getting louder]

V?

[Veronica screams]

[Veronica still screaming]

Every time!

Dammit!

[dramatic choral music playing]

-[dramatic orchestral music playing]
-Iris? Iris, call James for me.

-James, where the hell are you?!
-[voicemail] Hi, you've reached James.

If you urgently need me, again,

then try me again when I'm clearly
not busy with something else

that is equally if not more important.

If you would like to just talk,

then I'll call you back
when I'm in the right place.

Okay, bye.

[music continues]

[both grunting]

[both speaking Russian]

[grunting]

[both speaking Russian]

To our success.

[phone ringing]

Jet men!

Hello?

Dongle. Give me dongle.

-Show you my dongle? [muttering]
-Oh, I see. Authenticator.

[indistinct muttering]

Second.

Uh… one,

eight, nine, five, four, six.

The jet men. They want to
break up and fly alone, I think.

Typical jet men.

-Split yourselves up.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ten minutes?

That's too soon. Can we do thirty?

Still haven't told Boss yet.
Don't anybody--

-He called me "sir."
-Nice.

They want to launch in ten minutes.

But we not tell Boss yet.

He want to watch from satellite.

Satellite too slow.

They'll never make it.

Fuck it. Let's do it.
Let's blow these loads.

-Let's blow this shit.
-Let's do it, let's blow it!

Let's blow it.

Yeah, launch missiles in ten.

-Fuck the Boss.
-Fuck the Boss.

[at once] Fuck the Boss!

[orchestral music playing]

[static buzzing]

-Please identify yourself.
-It's Brad, James. C'mon.

James, open the door. C'mon.

Brad who? I know like seven Brads, okay?

Open the fucking door, c'mon!

Please state last name, age,

social security number,
and last seven kills.

If you don't let me in right now,
I'm gonna tell Suzan

to take away your satellite
privileges. Again.

Seriously, James.
I don't have time for games.

I told you, I friggin' told you, Brad,
it's always the fucking Russians.

Even when it's not the Russians,
it's still the Russians.

-We need to find her, James.
-Did you say "we"?

Because "we" implies that you'd actually
be doing something, but from memory,

you don't even have
a computer, Brad, okay?

And I'm always the one
stuck in this shithole of a room

doing everything myself!

Okay! Fine, James.
You, can you please find her! Please?

Fine! Already have. She's in an abandoned
steelworks building outside of town. Here.

That's impossible.
How'd you find her so quickly?

Okay, so it's the nanobot dust particles
that I've been working on.

Like, billions of them, actually.

They attach themselves to anyone
you come into contact with.

Nano what? What're you talking about?

Y'know, the smart dust?

I put some in your aftershave, toothpaste,
deodorant, anti-ageing moisture cream…

Okay. And who gave you the authority
to do that, James?

I was just thinking that…

Suzan said that I could…
Well, I just thought that…

Well, actually…

You just "thought that…" is it?

Look, we're getting off-topic over here,
so maybe we should

just focus on the mission at hand?

And so, Veronica's right here, see?

Complete invasion of privacy.

-Okay, so that's her there?
-Yes.

-You're sure?
-Yep.

Okay. All right. So, next thing. Well…

I need a gun that's, y'know,
it's kinda, like, nonlethal.

What?! I mean, Paradise said you were
losing your shit, but this, really?

"Nonlethal"? This is some
really weird behavior, Brad.

-I'm kinda worried about you, actually.
-Come on, James. Whaddya got?

Fine! Okay, yeah, sure, I'll give you
some "useless nonlethal bullets"

that, of course, don't even exist

because everyone knows that a projectile

traveling at that velocity or speed
will, of course, kill anyone.

But if you really want something, there's
a nonlethal gun in that box over there.

Unbelievable.

"Non-death gun. Only use if soft."

Really?

Hey, wha…? What?

What, what, that's…

That's it? That's all you got?

-What about this one? This one looks cool.
-What do you mean, is that all I got?

That's my genius. Know how long
that thing took me to make?!

Okay! Fine, how does it work?

Fuck's sake, Brad!

Just press this button over here… [sniffs]

What have I told you about that? Don't
do that, I told you that's weird. Okay.

Just press this button over here, okay?

So the gun will discharge
a small wave of targeted energy

that'll act like a taser,
knocking them out.

What, so this is exactly
what I just asked you for?

-James?
-Whatever.

-Okay, fine!
-Remember one thing, okay?

Do not turn the gun on full.

Okay, fine. What happens
if I do turn it on full?

I don't actually know.

Possibly some long-term,
probably permanent damage

to the body, eyes, ears, heart, anus.

Anus? What do you mean, anus?

I dunno, Brad, just trying
to cover my bases, okay?

Just listen to what I say.
Don't turn it on full.

Just to confirm: nonlethal gun, unlimited
bullets, just don't use it on full.

Once again, I showed it to Head Office,

and they just think it's a toy.
I mean, seriously, c'mon!

Look at me. Do I look like someone
who plays with toys to you?

-Well, I…
-I think not!

Whatever. Okay, tell me.

What am I walking into here?

You had one job, Jennifer, one job!

How could you fuck this up?

-[Natasha crying]
-Call yourself a trainee spy.

You're pathetic.

[chuckles]

How much do you bench-press?

-[phone vibrates]
-Shh.

-Jennifer.
-Suzan. I have a small update for you.

Trident took Brad's girl.

-[Natasha sobbing over phone]
-Paradise is missing.

The missiles are in the air,
and the Dog Walker is gone.

-Again.
-I'll fucking kill him!

Don't touch him, he's mine.

What happened with Brad?

He's gone after his girl.

Oh for God's sakes!
What about these hypersonic thingies?

What's he doing about those?
I can't be doing everything around here!

Find these Russian idiots,
and get that code!

I'm on it.

You know what?
I'm just gonna call Brad right now.

Shut the fuck up, Natasha!

You're not the only one
with problems, you know!

I'm sorry. That was harsh. Love is hard.

[Natasha keeps sobbing]

-[funk music playing]
-[police sirens wailing]

[man] Squad, move out.
No sudden movements. Keep quiet.

Davis, is that a knife?

-Where's your gun?!
-I don't need it.

Shit. Shut the fuck up.
Right, move, move, move!

Everybody, stay in formation.

[henchman] Here he is! Over here!

James, I'm walking into the compound.

You got eyes on me? I need to know
what I'm walking into here.

Copy. I've deployed the triplets.

Approaching location.

[drones whirring]

[man 1] This place is filthy!

-[man 2] Have you had your tetanus shot?
-[man 3] I haven't.

Hey, guys, wait up!

-Brad, Suzan wants to talk to you.
-Well, I really don't wanna talk to her.

Patching you through now.

Bradly, where are you?

Lots of windy noise.

Just wondering what your plan is
about these hypersonic missiles.

C'mon, everybody knows how much
I make this shit up as I go!

You know what, I'm pretty pissed
that nobody's asking me

about how my girlfriend's doing right now.

I mean, seriously.

It's just these missiles are in
the sky right now, Bradley.

So things are a little tight.

Any idea who's behind this?

Well, Suzan, my guess-- whoa!

Jesus!

[grunts]

…from the intel which I gathered myself

is that there are
seven hypersonic missiles

heading for agency locations
around the world.

So, Trident is an ex-spy
who's seeking revenge

for some past wrongdoing by me.

Which, of course,
I have no recollection of,

and can't recall such an event.

But really, this is just
some elaborate plan of hers to distract me

so I don't foil the Russian plot

to take down the agency

with seven hypersonic missiles.

Now if you don't mind, Suzan,
I've really gotta go, okay?

I'm right in the middle of something here.

Here we go.

[hard rock music playing]

[James] So, I'm picking up
a lot of heat signatures.

I suggest using super caution.

Yeah, let's do that, shall we?

[dramatic choral music playing]

James. Naughty boy.

-What the hell?!
-[computer] Candy offline.

-Cherry offline.
-What the hell?!

Crystal offline.

[Brad] What happened?

They shot my babies. They shot my babies!
Oh my God, Oh my God!

I can't believe they just did that!

[overlapping shouting, grunting]

Just… I need a minute. I need…

[Brad] James! I'm gonna buy you
some new ones.

No! See that's what it is
with all you spies!

We're all replaceable.
Well, I'm not, okay?

And neither are my drones!

Well, I mean, technically
my drones are, but I'm not!

Seriously, these drones
are becoming a real issue. Just relax!

James? It would really help
to know what room she's in!

-I'm working on it, Brad!
-[man shouts indistinctly]

[James speaking indistinctly
under gunfire and grunting]

[man speaking inaudibly]

Okay, I'm scanning the perimeter now.
Got the missiles too.

The hypersonics are aiming at the
seven agency buildings around the world.

See? I mean, I called that.

-I so fucking called that!
-Whatever, Brad.

-Well, which one is it, James?! Seriously.
-[James speaks indistinctly]

[Walker grunts]

Walker?

Now is good time.

No, now is a really terrible time.
How the hell did you find me?

I hack into nanobot from your hair,
and trace signal.

You hacked through six layers
of encryption that James…

You know what? It doesn't matter.

I don't have time for this.

[grunting]

Are you trying to hurt me?

I'm confused!

[groans]

That really fucking hurt, Walker!

[groans] Fuck.

Now is time to die.

I crush your penis with my bare hand!

Okay, that is a super weird
thing to say, but--

Oh, c'mon, c'mon, okay, I'm pretty sure

that Natasha would want us
to talk about this.

Stop touching tip!

Okay, fine. Before you kill me,

Natasha really wanted me
to give you something.

Just getting it out of my pocket.

She really wanted you to have this, okay?

What the…? Walker?

Walker?

Walker?

[laughs loudly]

You so funny!

Ah, this is super-weird, so I'm just gonna
knock you out, if that's okay.

[tragic music playing]

I just love her so much.

Love is tough.

She too good for--

I'm going to fucking kill you!

Pop! Pop, it's… hi!

Please, don't let them see me.

Please, Pop!

I'm gonna do this for both of us, okay?

[thuds]

What the fuck?! James, where are you?!

Did you see that, that was super-crazy!

I was in the toilet, Brad, okay?

James? Where the hell are you, seriously?

[man 1] What does this guy
actually look like?

-[man 2] Never seen him before.
-[man 3] I heard he's got a nice ass.

-[men chatting indistinctly]
-[goon yelps]

Brad? Oh my God, please don't hurt me!

You're… you're the one
pointing the rifle at me, so…

Oh, of course, man, sorry.
It's my first day, man.

I get to meet you, I'm such a huge fan.

I was just calling my wife.

I can't believe I get to catch Brad
my first night.

Better put my mask on, excuse me.

Oh God, so much dust around here.
You have dust in your eyes?

I don't understand…

Hold that thought, Brad.

Ah-- ah--!

-You okay?
-[sneezes loudly]

I didn't get you, did I?
I'm so sorry, man.

-I almost killed you.
-That was close, huh?

Lovely to meet you.
Say hello to your wife for me.

What?

Brad, there is definitely
someone in the room right now.

The presence. I can feel it.

Oh my God, Lollipop?! Is that you?

I've wanted to meet you
for such a long time. Oh my God.

It's so great!

Hi, James. Trident says hello.

I like your drones.

Oh my God, really? You like my drones?

Oh, this is so exciting,
I can't believe it.

Oh, it's the best day ever!

-[hisses]
-Sort of.

-[female voice] Bomb will explode…
-Veronica!

-…in 20 seconds.
-Timers.

Veronica! Hey, Veronica!

Come on, this is completely overkill.

[female voice] Fifteen…

Veronica, you need to wake up. Please.

Twelve, eleven, ten…

-Shit, shit, shit! Veronica.
-Nine, eight, seven, six…

Five, four, three, two, one.

Villain chair activated.

New timer activated. Good luck!

Goddammit!

Damn villain chairs.

Seriously.

James, where the hell are you?

Dammit!

Hey!

Look, I know this is super random,
but if you're about to kill me,

can I please just get a selfie with you?

Oh, don't hurt me! Please, don't hurt me.

[whimpering]

-You know I can't do that.
-I'm just such a big fan.

What you did in Bosnia and Korea
was just, Oh my God, so incredible!

Oh my God! [moans]

I just have… I have
a pretty big crush on you.

So it'd be really, really great
if I could get that selfie!

[both moaning]

If I could just get that selfie with you
it'd be really great--

[Lollipop moaning]

[hard rock music playing]

-[music continues]
-[men shouting encouragingly]

[speaking indistinctly]

[Uri] You want to check my… [inaudible]

[Jennifer] Yeah, you like that?

[both women making sexy noises]

Veronica, I really need you to wake up!

Please? Veronica?

Hello, Bradly.

[voice modulated, deeper] How are you?

I'm… okay, I guess?

As you're aware, seven missiles are now

[voice modulated, deeper] targeting
the agency buildings around the world.

What is it that you want?

Just having a little fun.

The bomb vest on the girl
is connected to her heart.

If she dies, the vest will deactivate.

If you move your arms
or get up from the chair,

kaboom.

James, where the hell are you?!
C'mon, we're running outta time here.

[moaning]

[whimpers]

Time to die.

Can we talk?
Can we please just talk? Please?

[gun clicks]

Can we talk? Please, can we just talk?

Can we just talk? Please?

No, I don't wanna die, please!

Wait. One last request?

The headphones.
Can you please just put them on?

I don't wanna hear the sound of
the bullet before it kills me.

No, that's wrong.

The saying goes that you don't hear
the sound of the bullet that kills you.

Ah, no, I don't think that's right.

-It's right.
-Ah, no, it's not.

Well, I think it's right.

No, it's definitely not right.

It is, most definitely, right.

James, where the hell are you?!
C'mon, we're running outta time here.

Veronica, wake up, please!

Veronica, I've got this, okay?

-Brad?
-Hey, it's me. It's Brad.

Need you to look at me, stay calm, and pay
no attention to what's strapped to you.

-Brad, what is it?
-It's nothing.

-Well, I think it's a bomb.
-Yeah, okay, it is a bomb.

Veronica, I need you to stay calm!
Just breathe.

-Stay calm, okay?
-Get it off.

-Get it off.
-Nothing is gonna happen to you.

I promise, okay? I'm gonna get us
outta this, all right?

What is that clock counting down to?

That one?

It's best not to pay attention
to clocks in these situations.

These situations?

Brutal truth?

I don't sell candles, and, in fact,
I don't even like candles much.

They just start too many
house fires, y'know?

-Brad.
-Yeah, I'm sorry. Okay.

Brutal truth, there's some things
I need to tell you.

I'm a spy.

And this here is just a, you know,

stock-standard spy puzzle
that I need to solve.

-What?
-A spy puzzle.

Y'know? Like right now it's a lose-lose,
I need to turn it into a win-lose.

The hard part's getting to a win-win.

But I'm actually pretty good
at this stuff.

-[hyperventilating] I can't breathe!
-No, just breathe!

James!

I have the gun.
I say it's right, so it's right.

No, it's not,

because even with a headshot, you can
still hear the sound of the--

-It's not important, doesn't matter.
-Fine. I'll use my sword, then.

No, no, no, no, no!

The gun's good. Gun's good.
Just, headphones, please?

Please? Headphones.

All right. Be gentle.

You can just see the bullet.

No, no. What does that mean?

Here comes the boom.

My God, it's working.
Oh my God, it's working!

It's working, everybody!

Oh my God, did you see that?
Oh, wait, there's nobody here.

Dammit, why is there nobody here?!

This is so great.
I can't believe it's working!

[wet pop]

Wait, man, whoa! Oh man! What's happening?

So sensitive!

Best day ever! Best day ever!

-[hard rock music playing]
-[indistinct, overlapping chatter]

[Natasha] Drink this.

[indistinct, overlapping chatter]

[both talking, slurred]

All right. Find it, some kind of dongle.

I not touch his dongle.

No, like one of those
bank thingies, you know?

Check the pockets, quick!

-I think I found something.
-James!

Brad… [panting]

What the…?!

Iris, call James.

I'm scared.

Please, look at me. Stay calm, Veronica.

You're not gonna die. Nobody's gonna die.

Well, somebody's definitely gonna get it,
but… Veronica? Veronica!

Iris, I need you to start a timer.
One minute and thirty seconds from now.

I'm back, baby.

James, get me out of these
villain chairs now.

Hey, you have no idea
what just happened to me, okay?

And once again, you're not even asking
because it's always about you!

James, please, can you just help me?

Iris, I need you to get us out
of these damn villain chairs.

She can't, Brad.
She's not powerful enough.

Okay, well, do something then!

Satellite's too slow, we'll never make it.

Unless I build a new hacking app.

Which I have, by the way,
because I actually look ahead…

James, get me out of these
villain chairs now!

-Open his eyes.
-Okay.

Yes, it worked! I have to call Brad.

Do it, just do it!

-Done.
-Villain chair deactivated.

Okay.

Veronica.

Hey.

Okay. Dammit.

I need an activation code now!

[James] Jennifer's on the line
with some missile deactivation codes.

In fact, she's got incredible timing.
Seriously, incredible.

[Jennifer] God damn it, James!
Put me through!

Brad! You need to enter in
the following numbers.

Give me the damn number.

Seven, one, eight…

-What is the number?

Seven, one, eight…

Stop that, what're you doing?

Eight, I said eight!

Just tell me the damn code.

-I am telling you the code.
-I can't hear you.

Two, one, six, nine, six, nine.

It didn't work!

Hang on, just wait!

Oh, God, it's changing!

Just tell me the damn number, Jennifer!

-Two, one, four, seven, five, nine.
-[computer] Nine, eight, seven.

-Did it work? Brad?
-Six., five, four.

-Three.
-Brad?

Two. One.

Okay, yes!

Oh, thank God, it worked!

Okay. Iris. James?
James, why is Iris dead?

I had to kill her.
Side effect I'm working on.

She couldn't handle a big load.

Oh no. I need you
to start Veronica's heart.

Oh, yeah, sure. Let me just
whip out my instant heart starter

-and teleport it over.
-James, c'mon.

The gun, I dunno?
Maybe just turn it on full?

On full? I thought you said
that would kill someone.

She's already dead.

Okay, good point.
What's the worst that can happen?

I dunno, okay? Maybe just, I don't know.

Well, worst case, she could explode.

-Explode?! Fuck!
-Could get messy.

Just press it right up
to her chest. Maybe.

Actually, I dunno, just do whatever
feels natural for you.

Please work,
'cause I really, really like you.

[gun whirring]

[dramatic orchestral music playing]

Veronica?

Hey, Veronica. Hey.

Hey.

What happened?

It's a long story.

I'll explain it on the train ride home.

Thank you, James. I really mean that.

Really? I really appreciate that, Brad,

'cause, you know, I just
feel really undervalued down here,

and I feel like no one appreciates
all the work that I do,

and I do so much around here,

and people just think I'm this, like,

really weird, creepy hacker… Brad?

Brad?

Fucking Brad!

[Lollipop groans]

[Lollipop] What the fuck?!

You just need to go for it, you know?

And I feel like… I just really feel
like we have something here.

I know I'm being forward.

I do. I know I'm being forward, but…

will you marry me?

Don't say anything!
Don't say anything! Shh.

Just feel it. Just feel it. Look at me.

You are gonna love it down here.

Shh, shh.

Just let the emotion flow through you.
Just shh. Breathe.

[grunts furiously]

Shh, it's okay, it's okay.

I'll protect you.

I have drones. I'll protect you.

-[Lollipop screaming]
-Shh!

[James moans]

[orchestral music playing]

[police siren wailing]

[knock at door]

-Suzan.
-Bradly.

How are we feeling?

I feel good. I mean,
I feel really good, y'know?

And Veronica?

Oh, she's great, you know?

Busy doing girl stuff, very busy.

But, you know, organizing the wedding, so.

She is, is she?

[grunts]

Yeah! And don't worry, okay?

She is not gonna say anything.

I mean, she really appreciates what I do.

[laughs] The killing?

All the killing, the spying, the lying.

She doesn't mind you hanging out with
those super slender, sexy spy girls

all the time?

No, not a problem.

Good for you.

And her, I guess.

Off to Russia you go.

I know you hate these plutonium missions,

but nobody knows the Russians
like you do, Bradly.

It's actually my pleasure.
Not a problem. I got this.

[laughs]

So, I guess I should go.

-Okay.
-Okay.

-Oh, and this is for you.
-Oh.

An invitation to my wedding.

Wouldn't be the same without you.

Aww.

Oh, James is gonna be there.

Really?

Oh. Other James.

Oh.

-Of course.
-Yeah.

He really needs a new toy shop, so…

Sure. No problem.

Bye, now.

Enjoy Russia. I hear it's below 30.

Minus 40, actually, Suzan.

But you know what?
When you're as happy as I am,

I mean, does it really matter?

I don't think so.

[laughs]

Okay. Bye, Suzan.

-Ta-ta.
-Okay. Okay, bye.

[music crescendos, ends]

[unintelligible garble across channels]

[woman] Break.

Not bad. How do you feel?

I feel fucking great. So,
what's the deal with you and Walker?

Oh, very good. [laughs]

Hit him one way, he does the dishes.
Hit him another way, he gets so horny.

Hit him again, he falls asleep!
He's the perfect man.

You're just lucky
I haven't killed him yet.

I kill you first!

Bring it on.

-Enough talking, let's get in the ring.
-Bring it.

[women grunting]

[fighting sounds continue]

[beeping, whirring sounds]

Brad?

Lucy.

Or should I say, Trident?

Thought I had you there for a minute.

Seriously, why?

You know why.

What, Mexico?

You were supposed to have my back.

I did have your back, Lucy.

The minute that we finished the mission,

you just had to have
a drinking competition with Mexicans!

In Mexico.

With tequila.

Okay, I know what happened,
and that's not it.

You know what, I don't think you do,
you were completely wasted.

Do you remember falling in the fire
and nearly burning your face?

You left me for dead. All of you.
You and the agency.

No, we didn't, Lucy. I called the medevac.

And then when you were so high
on peyote you dared yourself

to jump out the helicopter into a river,
which you did by the way…

Whatever. I don't wanna talk about it.

Truth is, being a badass supervillain
is not as fun as it looks.

I have a particular set of skills,
and I would like to use them more.

Fine. What is it that you do want?

I wanna come back.

Wow. Okay. Let me get this right.

You try and kill my fiancée,
you try and kill me,

you try and take down the entire agency,
you team up with the Russians,

and you steal hypersonic warheads.

And now you wanna come back.

Yes.

Sure. I'll talk to Suzan.

But you must promise to give back
all seven hypersonic missiles.

Okay.

Okay.

-Fine.
-Fine.

-Fine.
-Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

Cool.

What is it?

It's an invitation to my wedding.

No Russians, Lucy.

Okay.

Bye.

Happy swimming!

[hard rock music playing]