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1
00:00:05,797 --> 00:00:08,466
- Okay, um, U.S. Senator.
He killed someone.
2
00:00:08,550 --> 00:00:10,760
- A senator?
I don't know!
3
00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:12,220
Pass.
4
00:00:14,180 --> 00:00:16,433
Um, uh... uh, blind singer.
5
00:00:16,516 --> 00:00:17,851
- John Lennon!
- Time.
6
00:00:17,934 --> 00:00:20,437
- Oh, my God, wha...
Stevie Wonder.
7
00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:23,690
- Mm, how does he play
the piano if he's blind, Ava?
8
00:00:23,773 --> 00:00:25,024
- Oh. Okay.
9
00:00:25,108 --> 00:00:26,693
- So you guys got
zero points again.
10
00:00:26,776 --> 00:00:29,154
- God.
- Unbelievable.
11
00:00:30,530 --> 00:00:31,781
Ready?
- Mm-hmm.
12
00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:33,366
- Go.
13
00:00:33,450 --> 00:00:34,534
- Bought your old house.
14
00:00:34,617 --> 00:00:37,203
- Suzanne Pleshette.
- Yes.
15
00:00:37,287 --> 00:00:38,747
Stole your hairdresser.
16
00:00:38,830 --> 00:00:40,331
- Keith Urban.
- Yes.
17
00:00:42,792 --> 00:00:44,294
Didn't say hi at JFK.
18
00:00:44,377 --> 00:00:47,338
- Marie Osmond.
- Yep.
19
00:00:47,422 --> 00:00:50,216
You don't know her. Pass.
20
00:00:50,300 --> 00:00:51,551
Ooh! Cheap couch.
21
00:00:51,634 --> 00:00:52,761
- Oh, Barbara Bush!
22
00:00:52,844 --> 00:00:54,846
This is so easy.
- Yes.
23
00:00:54,929 --> 00:00:56,639
You used to share a gardener.
24
00:00:56,723 --> 00:00:58,308
- Siegfried.
25
00:00:58,391 --> 00:01:00,393
- Roy.
- Yes.
26
00:01:00,477 --> 00:01:03,396
♪ ♪
27
00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:05,315
Innocent.
28
00:01:05,398 --> 00:01:07,650
- Ted Kennedy.
- Yes.
29
00:01:07,734 --> 00:01:09,319
- There was no guardrail.
30
00:01:09,402 --> 00:01:11,196
- Five seconds.
- Um...
31
00:01:11,279 --> 00:01:13,281
broken condom.
32
00:01:13,364 --> 00:01:15,158
- Robert Mitchum.
- Yes!
33
00:01:15,241 --> 00:01:16,868
Time!
34
00:01:16,951 --> 00:01:18,286
- We did it! We did it!
35
00:01:18,369 --> 00:01:20,914
- You guys obviously win again.
- Yes!
36
00:01:20,997 --> 00:01:23,208
- It's, like, 75 to 0.
37
00:01:23,291 --> 00:01:25,335
- I think we should work.
38
00:01:28,087 --> 00:01:30,006
- You big baby.
39
00:01:36,429 --> 00:01:37,972
My business manager
embezzled from me
40
00:01:38,056 --> 00:01:40,058
and bought himself
a place in Tallahassee.
41
00:01:40,141 --> 00:01:41,726
I sued him,
and the court gave me
42
00:01:41,810 --> 00:01:43,228
the house in Tallahassee.
43
00:01:43,311 --> 00:01:45,021
I said,
"Why are you punishing me?"
44
00:01:45,104 --> 00:01:46,689
I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know.
45
00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:49,275
Is that too... I mean, "Boo-hoo,
46
00:01:49,359 --> 00:01:51,402
my business manager
stole from me"?
47
00:01:51,486 --> 00:01:52,779
- Well, yeah,
48
00:01:52,862 --> 00:01:54,280
but it's what
really happened to you.
49
00:01:54,364 --> 00:01:56,324
We just need to write
a better punch line.
50
00:01:56,407 --> 00:01:58,034
Um...
51
00:01:58,117 --> 00:02:00,203
what about...
52
00:02:01,913 --> 00:02:04,624
"My business manager stole
from me and bought a Rolex.
53
00:02:04,707 --> 00:02:07,585
Now every time he looks at it,
it says '30 years to life.'"
54
00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:10,839
It's not terrible.
55
00:02:10,922 --> 00:02:12,924
That's what I love to hear.
56
00:02:14,634 --> 00:02:17,762
This is hard.
57
00:02:17,846 --> 00:02:20,181
- Oh, my God!
58
00:02:20,265 --> 00:02:22,725
How do you take those
all at once?
59
00:02:22,809 --> 00:02:25,019
Oh!
60
00:02:25,103 --> 00:02:26,896
- It takes too much time
to take them individually.
61
00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:29,899
- So you have to unhinge
your jaw like a snake?
62
00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:32,068
God, I could never.
- Oh, yeah, you could.
63
00:02:32,151 --> 00:02:34,070
I've seen you take
a bite of a hamburger.
64
00:02:34,153 --> 00:02:37,907
Here. In fact, here.
You should take one of these.
65
00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:39,284
- Oh, I don't...
66
00:02:39,367 --> 00:02:40,743
- Oh, come on. Take it.
It's good for you.
67
00:02:40,827 --> 00:02:43,037
You need it.
- Wait, this is huge.
68
00:02:54,340 --> 00:02:56,050
- Hi. We have an emergency.
69
00:02:56,134 --> 00:02:58,386
They're retiring
Black Pashmina.
70
00:02:58,469 --> 00:02:59,554
- What?
- Yeah.
71
00:02:59,637 --> 00:03:00,930
It's being discontinued.
- No!
72
00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:02,640
- Can I have some water?
- I'm so sorry.
73
00:03:02,724 --> 00:03:03,975
What's that?
74
00:03:04,058 --> 00:03:06,185
- Ugh, it's the fragrance
I have worn
75
00:03:06,269 --> 00:03:08,021
for 25 years.
76
00:03:08,104 --> 00:03:10,982
- I found a Lord & Taylor
200 miles from here,
77
00:03:11,065 --> 00:03:12,817
and they have it in stock.
78
00:03:12,901 --> 00:03:14,903
- Okay, all right, if we skip
the meet and greet and reroute,
79
00:03:14,986 --> 00:03:16,738
we can still make it
to Springfield on time.
80
00:03:16,821 --> 00:03:20,283
- Really? Oh, my God.
I'm so glad you're here.
81
00:03:20,366 --> 00:03:21,826
- Oh, there's a free gift
with purchase.
82
00:03:21,910 --> 00:03:23,494
Lip liner and a travel size
of the fragrance.
83
00:03:23,578 --> 00:03:25,204
- Oh, no, they're gonna sell
like wildfire.
84
00:03:25,288 --> 00:03:26,915
- Yep.
- Phil! Step on it.
85
00:03:26,998 --> 00:03:28,750
We're taking a detour.
86
00:03:28,833 --> 00:03:31,753
And remember,
yellow means hit the gas!
87
00:03:34,881 --> 00:03:37,216
♪ ♪
88
00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:40,178
So I use four
to six bottles every...
89
00:03:45,850 --> 00:03:47,602
I'm gonna need 57 bottles.
90
00:03:47,685 --> 00:03:49,354
- That is a lot of bottles.
91
00:03:49,437 --> 00:03:51,439
- Well, I plan
on living to be 102.
92
00:03:51,522 --> 00:03:52,649
Conservatively.
93
00:03:52,732 --> 00:03:54,317
Optimistically, 109.
94
00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:57,779
- Wow. Like, biblical almost.
What's in those pills?
95
00:03:57,862 --> 00:03:59,489
- Well, I've been on
a Mediterranean diet
96
00:03:59,572 --> 00:04:00,740
for the last 40 years.
97
00:04:00,823 --> 00:04:02,325
I come from Pilgrim blood.
98
00:04:02,408 --> 00:04:04,202
We're a very hearty people.
99
00:04:04,285 --> 00:04:05,620
- Um...
100
00:04:05,703 --> 00:04:07,205
not sure you should be,
101
00:04:07,288 --> 00:04:09,582
like, proud of descending
from colonizers.
102
00:04:09,666 --> 00:04:11,334
I just, like, think that...
103
00:04:11,417 --> 00:04:13,419
- Tweet it.
104
00:04:13,503 --> 00:04:15,880
No can do.
105
00:04:19,676 --> 00:04:22,262
- Yeah, I'm gonna take
the testers too.
106
00:04:22,345 --> 00:04:23,763
Okay, I need 33 more.
107
00:04:23,846 --> 00:04:25,932
See if you can find any
anywhere on our route.
108
00:04:26,015 --> 00:04:28,685
- Yeah. Okay.
109
00:04:28,768 --> 00:04:30,019
- You and I are gonna go
110
00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:31,396
to the clearance rack
before we go.
111
00:04:31,479 --> 00:04:32,563
People in this part
of the country
112
00:04:32,647 --> 00:04:34,023
don't understand fashion,
113
00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:35,858
so the best stuff
gets passed over.
114
00:04:35,942 --> 00:04:37,819
- Wow, what happened to,
115
00:04:37,902 --> 00:04:39,529
"Just because they don't live
in New York or LA
116
00:04:39,612 --> 00:04:41,281
doesn't mean
they don't know what's funny"?
117
00:04:41,364 --> 00:04:42,699
- They know comedy.
118
00:04:42,782 --> 00:04:45,410
But they dress like tableware.
119
00:04:45,493 --> 00:04:48,371
♪ ♪
120
00:04:48,454 --> 00:04:50,581
When I was a kid,
I used to hide in these racks,
121
00:04:50,665 --> 00:04:52,208
and one time I hid way too well
122
00:04:52,291 --> 00:04:54,377
and my mom couldn't find me
for, like, nine hours.
123
00:04:54,460 --> 00:04:56,629
- Oh, God.
- I realized you could survive
124
00:04:56,713 --> 00:04:58,256
in a mall for a long time,
though.
125
00:04:58,339 --> 00:04:59,674
Like, you could sleep
126
00:04:59,757 --> 00:05:01,259
in the home goods section.
127
00:05:01,342 --> 00:05:03,261
- Live off samples
from the food court.
128
00:05:03,344 --> 00:05:05,096
Go to school at Barnes & Noble.
129
00:05:05,179 --> 00:05:07,557
- That'd make a good movie.
Kid grows up in a mall.
130
00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:09,225
- Yeah, it could be, like...
131
00:05:09,308 --> 00:05:10,852
a metaphor for losing a parent.
132
00:05:10,935 --> 00:05:14,188
Like, "Home Alone"
meets late stage capitalism.
133
00:05:14,272 --> 00:05:16,315
- You should write that.
134
00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:21,487
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
135
00:05:21,571 --> 00:05:24,407
See, this wouldn't fit me,
but this would fit...
136
00:05:24,490 --> 00:05:26,075
- Absolutely not.
137
00:05:27,410 --> 00:05:29,245
Absolutely not.
138
00:05:32,331 --> 00:05:33,708
- Finally! A woman!
139
00:05:33,791 --> 00:05:35,835
- Ugh, you've gotta hire
an HR person.
140
00:05:35,918 --> 00:05:37,920
- I'm buying this for you.
I'm buying it all.
141
00:05:38,004 --> 00:05:40,089
- I don't want this.
- Oh, it's not for you.
142
00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:42,008
It's for the rest of us.
143
00:05:50,558 --> 00:05:52,602
- Deborah?
144
00:05:52,685 --> 00:05:54,103
- Susan.
145
00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:55,938
Susan Essig?
146
00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:58,858
Oh, my God. The hell?
147
00:05:58,941 --> 00:06:00,818
- Oh, my God.
148
00:06:00,902 --> 00:06:02,487
- This is Ava.
Ava, Susan.
149
00:06:02,570 --> 00:06:05,156
It's been forever.
- Yeah, I know.
150
00:06:05,239 --> 00:06:07,825
Just think, a child born
the day I quit comedy
151
00:06:07,909 --> 00:06:10,203
would be old enough
to quit comedy now.
152
00:06:10,286 --> 00:06:12,789
- Wait, wait.
- When did you quit?
153
00:06:12,872 --> 00:06:15,249
- I retired
after that Reno showcase.
154
00:06:15,333 --> 00:06:16,918
You remember that?
155
00:06:17,001 --> 00:06:18,336
- Oh.
156
00:06:18,419 --> 00:06:20,213
Yeah, yeah.
157
00:06:20,296 --> 00:06:21,839
What are you doing here?
158
00:06:21,923 --> 00:06:23,341
- Well, actually, we're
on our way to Springfield.
159
00:06:23,424 --> 00:06:24,801
I'm doing the state fair.
160
00:06:24,884 --> 00:06:28,012
- Oh, fun. That's...
- Excuse me.
161
00:06:28,096 --> 00:06:29,847
I'm still waiting
on those flats in an 8 1/2.
162
00:06:29,931 --> 00:06:32,558
- You're excused.
She's actually helping us.
163
00:06:35,061 --> 00:06:36,646
- Yeah, I actually do
work on commission,
164
00:06:36,729 --> 00:06:38,439
so I should probably
get back to helping her.
165
00:06:38,523 --> 00:06:40,942
- Oh. Yeah, well, good, good.
Wait, no, she needs shoes.
166
00:06:41,025 --> 00:06:42,693
Ava, go pick out some shoes.
167
00:06:42,777 --> 00:06:44,946
- Anything I want?
- Sure.
168
00:06:47,031 --> 00:06:49,283
Not from the men's department!
169
00:06:50,910 --> 00:06:53,329
- You know, the state fair
is very popular around here.
170
00:06:53,412 --> 00:06:54,747
My grandkids love it.
171
00:06:54,831 --> 00:06:56,999
They go crazy
for those deep fried Oreos.
172
00:06:57,083 --> 00:07:00,294
I know I'm spoiling them,
but I'll be long dead
173
00:07:00,378 --> 00:07:02,088
by the time
they develop diabetes.
174
00:07:02,171 --> 00:07:03,506
Oh, God.
175
00:07:03,589 --> 00:07:05,174
Oh, well, look, you know what?
176
00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:06,801
Tell you what,
why don't you bring them?
177
00:07:06,884 --> 00:07:09,011
Bring them to the fair
and come and see the show.
178
00:07:09,095 --> 00:07:10,179
- Well, we'd love that.
179
00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:11,848
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Good.
180
00:07:11,931 --> 00:07:14,183
- Give me your number.
- Yeah, yeah. Let's see.
181
00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:15,768
Now you put yours in mine.
- Oh.
182
00:07:15,852 --> 00:07:18,312
- Okay, and then I'll put mine
in yours.
183
00:07:18,396 --> 00:07:19,772
Okay, so I don't know.
184
00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:22,525
I opened something
called Keynote?
185
00:07:22,608 --> 00:07:24,861
- Oh, shoot,
I just put my number
186
00:07:24,944 --> 00:07:26,779
in your calculator.
- Oh, well, you know what?
187
00:07:26,863 --> 00:07:28,364
Here, take a picture
of my calculator,
188
00:07:28,447 --> 00:07:29,866
and then you could text me
the picture.
189
00:07:29,949 --> 00:07:31,325
- Well, which one's
your camera?
190
00:07:31,409 --> 00:07:32,743
- No, the camera on your phone.
- Ugh.
191
00:07:32,827 --> 00:07:34,162
Stepping in, folks.
192
00:07:34,245 --> 00:07:35,538
Just gonna...
193
00:07:35,621 --> 00:07:37,540
Handle that for you guys.
No problem.
194
00:07:38,958 --> 00:07:40,710
There you go.
195
00:07:40,793 --> 00:07:42,378
Thanks.
196
00:07:42,461 --> 00:07:44,213
- I should go help that bitch.
197
00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:46,424
But I'll see you at the fair.
198
00:07:46,507 --> 00:07:48,718
- Go, go.
All right, talk to you soon.
199
00:07:48,801 --> 00:07:51,721
Okay, loafer report.
200
00:07:51,804 --> 00:07:53,472
Deborah.
201
00:07:53,556 --> 00:07:56,851
Okay, so these are
technically unisex,
202
00:07:56,934 --> 00:07:58,227
but I thought
you might like them
203
00:07:58,311 --> 00:08:00,188
because they are $800.
204
00:08:01,939 --> 00:08:08,237
♪ ♪
205
00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:10,615
You okay?
206
00:08:10,698 --> 00:08:12,491
- Yeah.
207
00:08:12,575 --> 00:08:15,077
It's just kind of weird
when I run into one of the ones
208
00:08:15,161 --> 00:08:16,412
who didn't make it, you know?
209
00:08:16,495 --> 00:08:17,997
I just feel bad.
210
00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:20,416
- It's not your fault.
211
00:08:20,499 --> 00:08:24,754
- In the case of Susan,
it kind of is.
212
00:08:24,837 --> 00:08:27,173
- What do you mean?
213
00:08:27,256 --> 00:08:29,383
- There was this
stand-up showcase in Reno,
214
00:08:29,467 --> 00:08:31,510
and the finalists all got
to go to the nationals,
215
00:08:31,594 --> 00:08:33,179
and if you won,
then you were booked
216
00:08:33,262 --> 00:08:36,307
on all the college shows,
so it was a really huge deal.
217
00:08:36,390 --> 00:08:38,935
And I knew that there was
only room for one woman,
218
00:08:39,018 --> 00:08:41,062
if that, so...
219
00:08:43,856 --> 00:08:46,067
I erased Susan's name
off the whiteboard
220
00:08:46,150 --> 00:08:48,945
so she wouldn't know she'd
made it into the final round.
221
00:08:49,028 --> 00:08:50,112
- Whoa.
222
00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:51,906
- Yeah, I know, I know.
223
00:08:51,989 --> 00:08:54,408
And right after that,
she retired.
224
00:08:54,492 --> 00:08:55,785
And now she works
for commission
225
00:08:55,868 --> 00:08:57,286
in the shoe department.
226
00:08:57,370 --> 00:08:59,372
- Eh, a little classist.
227
00:08:59,455 --> 00:09:01,582
- She was really good,
you know?
228
00:09:01,666 --> 00:09:04,835
I saw her as competition.
229
00:09:06,087 --> 00:09:08,047
Why did I invite her
to the fair?
230
00:09:08,130 --> 00:09:11,634
Last thing she's gonna wanna do
is watch me perform.
231
00:09:11,717 --> 00:09:14,095
- Well, I mean,
if she's that upset by it,
232
00:09:14,178 --> 00:09:16,472
she probably won't come, right?
233
00:09:18,474 --> 00:09:19,558
- You're right.
234
00:09:19,642 --> 00:09:21,185
Of course she won't.
235
00:09:21,269 --> 00:09:24,480
No, it'd be
too painful for her.
236
00:09:24,563 --> 00:09:26,315
Fantastic! Okay.
237
00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:27,733
Wait, is this the way out?
238
00:09:27,817 --> 00:09:29,318
- No, I'm taking us
to Mrs. Fields.
239
00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:30,653
I need a cookie...
240
00:09:30,736 --> 00:09:32,363
cake.
241
00:09:36,617 --> 00:09:43,708
♪ ♪
242
00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:11,360
♪ ♪
243
00:10:13,779 --> 00:10:15,197
- Oh, Jesus.
244
00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:17,199
Kayla, it's Saturday.
245
00:10:17,283 --> 00:10:19,577
You gotta start using
that calendar I gave you.
246
00:10:19,660 --> 00:10:21,704
- Oh, no, I know.
I heard you had to cancel
247
00:10:21,787 --> 00:10:23,998
your trip to Cabo this weekend
'cause you had to work.
248
00:10:24,081 --> 00:10:26,584
I thought I'd come here
in case you need anything.
249
00:10:26,667 --> 00:10:28,002
- Oh.
250
00:10:28,085 --> 00:10:30,796
- Plus, I feel so bad
about your trip
251
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:32,089
that at lunchtime,
252
00:10:32,173 --> 00:10:34,383
I'm gonna make you
a piña colada.
253
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:36,218
Bring a little island to you,
254
00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:37,428
brother!
255
00:10:37,511 --> 00:10:39,722
- Oof, okay.
Um, not an island.
256
00:10:39,805 --> 00:10:41,015
Also...
257
00:10:41,098 --> 00:10:43,476
be careful with the accent,
but...
258
00:10:43,559 --> 00:10:44,560
that's actually very sweet.
259
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:46,062
Just do me a favor.
260
00:10:46,145 --> 00:10:47,897
Could you make it virgin
since I'm working?
261
00:10:47,980 --> 00:10:51,817
- Um, I don't think I can,
but I can try.
262
00:10:53,152 --> 00:10:55,654
- Okay, thank you.
263
00:10:55,738 --> 00:10:57,114
Thanks for coming in.
264
00:10:57,198 --> 00:10:58,741
- My boss.
265
00:10:58,824 --> 00:11:00,576
Gotta love him.
266
00:11:02,995 --> 00:11:05,831
With all the discarded food,
267
00:11:05,915 --> 00:11:09,210
I would love to see
a composting bin somewhere.
268
00:11:09,293 --> 00:11:11,379
- Ah, yes,
let's make sure that nacho dog
269
00:11:11,462 --> 00:11:13,297
returns to Mother Earth.
270
00:11:15,966 --> 00:11:18,094
Ugh. Susan actually came.
271
00:11:18,177 --> 00:11:20,471
- Maybe you should
just apologize.
272
00:11:20,554 --> 00:11:22,264
- No, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
273
00:11:22,348 --> 00:11:24,934
I'll treat her and her family
to a day she'll never forget.
274
00:11:25,017 --> 00:11:27,395
I mean, how much
could that cost, 47 bucks?
275
00:11:27,478 --> 00:11:28,938
Okay, I gotta go find her.
276
00:11:29,021 --> 00:11:30,940
Do you guys mind doing
the sound check without me?
277
00:11:31,023 --> 00:11:33,692
- No.
- All right, thank you.
278
00:11:33,776 --> 00:11:36,112
- Hey, uh, can you guys
handle sound check?
279
00:11:36,195 --> 00:11:37,238
I found 14 bottles
280
00:11:37,321 --> 00:11:38,531
of Black Pashmina
on the dark web.
281
00:11:38,614 --> 00:11:40,116
- Scary.
- Be careful.
282
00:11:40,199 --> 00:11:41,617
- Perfect. Thanks.
283
00:11:41,700 --> 00:11:43,452
- The dark web?
284
00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:46,539
Think he means Facebook.
285
00:11:47,581 --> 00:11:50,876
- Hello, hello.
- Deb!
286
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:53,379
This is Keller. This is Mason.
- Hi.
287
00:11:53,462 --> 00:11:55,131
- Boys, this is world-famous
comedian Deborah Vance.
288
00:11:55,214 --> 00:11:56,382
Hi.
289
00:11:56,465 --> 00:11:58,509
- Tell you what,
I got VIP passes
290
00:11:58,592 --> 00:12:00,970
so you don't have
to wait in line.
291
00:12:01,053 --> 00:12:03,264
And 600 tickets.
- Thank you.
292
00:12:03,347 --> 00:12:06,100
- Thank you.
That's too much.
293
00:12:06,183 --> 00:12:08,310
- No, it's the least I can do.
294
00:12:08,394 --> 00:12:10,980
- Well, I am just so excited
to see you perform.
295
00:12:11,063 --> 00:12:12,481
- Thanks.
296
00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:14,650
- Do you still have that joke
about the leper's penis?
297
00:12:14,733 --> 00:12:16,819
No, no, no, no, no.
298
00:12:16,902 --> 00:12:18,404
The set's a little different
these days.
299
00:12:18,487 --> 00:12:20,156
No, I'm actually working
on some new stuff.
300
00:12:20,239 --> 00:12:23,117
It's...more confessional.
301
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:25,327
- Huh, and you're
trying it out here?
302
00:12:25,411 --> 00:12:26,996
- Actually,
state fairs are good for that.
303
00:12:27,079 --> 00:12:28,581
I mean,
it's not just comedy fans.
304
00:12:28,664 --> 00:12:30,082
It's everybody, you know?
305
00:12:30,166 --> 00:12:31,375
People from the city,
306
00:12:31,459 --> 00:12:33,335
suburban folk,
you know, all ages.
307
00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:34,837
It's a good cross-section.
308
00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:37,798
- Smart.
You always knew your audience.
309
00:12:37,882 --> 00:12:39,133
- Well,
not that time in Portland.
310
00:12:39,216 --> 00:12:41,093
Do you remember
the skinhead bar?
311
00:12:41,177 --> 00:12:43,929
Oh, they did not like us.
312
00:12:44,013 --> 00:12:45,306
- Oh, my God.
313
00:12:45,389 --> 00:12:47,308
We didn't know
they were angry skinheads.
314
00:12:47,391 --> 00:12:48,684
I just thought they were bald
315
00:12:48,767 --> 00:12:50,644
and angry
because they were bald.
316
00:12:50,728 --> 00:12:53,314
Your grandma's funny,
317
00:12:53,397 --> 00:12:54,857
isn't she?
- Yeah.
318
00:12:54,940 --> 00:12:56,233
- Okay, who's ready
to go have a great time?
319
00:12:56,317 --> 00:12:57,526
- Yes!
- Me!
320
00:12:57,610 --> 00:12:59,737
- You? Okay, let's go!
Here we go.
321
00:12:59,820 --> 00:13:01,405
- Stick together.
322
00:13:01,489 --> 00:13:04,033
- Okay, so we have,
like, two hours to kill?
323
00:13:04,116 --> 00:13:05,868
- Yeah, I'm gonna head
back to the bus, do some work.
324
00:13:05,951 --> 00:13:07,203
- Really?
Come on.
325
00:13:07,286 --> 00:13:08,829
It's a Saturday
and we're at a fair.
326
00:13:08,913 --> 00:13:10,581
Don't you wanna, like,
go on a ride or something?
327
00:13:10,664 --> 00:13:12,666
- I don't do rides.
- Please?
328
00:13:12,750 --> 00:13:14,710
I was an only child,
so I never got to go on rides
329
00:13:14,793 --> 00:13:16,587
at these things 'cause
my parents didn't want to
330
00:13:16,670 --> 00:13:18,380
and I'd have to go by myself.
331
00:13:18,464 --> 00:13:19,673
Come on a ride with me.
332
00:13:19,757 --> 00:13:20,966
- Okay, these rides
are held together
333
00:13:21,050 --> 00:13:22,384
by Gorilla Glue
and rubber bands
334
00:13:22,468 --> 00:13:24,803
and manned by children on meth.
335
00:13:24,887 --> 00:13:26,889
- Ugh, okay, fine, we...
336
00:13:26,972 --> 00:13:29,475
we could bet on the time
the baby calf is born.
337
00:13:29,558 --> 00:13:31,810
It says
there's a $1,000 cash prize.
338
00:13:31,894 --> 00:13:34,188
Think of how many
skintight polos you could buy.
339
00:13:34,271 --> 00:13:35,523
- Okay, I don't gamble,
340
00:13:35,606 --> 00:13:37,525
and you shouldn't joke
about clothes.
341
00:13:37,608 --> 00:13:39,902
- Okay, do you want to look
at the butter sculptures?
342
00:13:39,985 --> 00:13:43,072
- The butter sculptures?
- Okay, okay.
343
00:13:43,155 --> 00:13:45,074
We could get
our caricatures drawn.
344
00:13:46,033 --> 00:13:48,202
- You sitting still
and not talking.
345
00:13:48,285 --> 00:13:49,620
I'm in.
- Whoo!
346
00:13:49,703 --> 00:13:50,955
- Okay.
- Yes.
347
00:13:51,038 --> 00:13:52,081
Love the fair!
348
00:13:55,209 --> 00:13:57,086
♪ ♪
349
00:14:01,090 --> 00:14:03,509
Fucker!
350
00:14:03,592 --> 00:14:04,677
- Everything all right?
351
00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:06,303
Ya, mon!
352
00:14:07,513 --> 00:14:08,931
"Ya, mon."
353
00:14:09,014 --> 00:14:11,934
- ♪ Ooh, if you like
piña coladas ♪
354
00:14:12,017 --> 00:14:13,477
You do?
355
00:14:13,561 --> 00:14:15,229
- Oh, shit.
Kayla, you're bleeding.
356
00:14:15,312 --> 00:14:17,356
Are you okay?
- I cut myself.
357
00:14:17,439 --> 00:14:19,817
And, uh, I'm a little wheezy
from the blood.
358
00:14:19,900 --> 00:14:21,777
But I want you
to have a good time.
359
00:14:21,860 --> 00:14:23,821
- Okay, it's really bleeding,
like, a lot.
360
00:14:23,904 --> 00:14:25,906
- For a second, I'm just gonna
have a little bit of...
361
00:14:25,990 --> 00:14:27,241
- Okay. All right.
Just stay there.
362
00:14:27,324 --> 00:14:28,826
I'm gonna get
the first aid kit.
363
00:14:28,909 --> 00:14:30,953
- 'Cause I feel a little bit
like I'm gonna throw up.
364
00:14:31,036 --> 00:14:32,580
- Oh, Jesus Christ.
365
00:14:37,084 --> 00:14:38,460
- Grandma, squirt guns!
- Can we?
366
00:14:38,544 --> 00:14:40,212
- Let's go.
We've got four seats left.
367
00:14:40,296 --> 00:14:42,298
- Okay, okay, we'll take 'em.
Just take 'em.
368
00:14:42,381 --> 00:14:44,466
- Let's go, let's go, let's go.
- Come on down.
369
00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:47,803
- 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12.
There you go.
370
00:14:47,886 --> 00:14:49,305
- This one's a little tricky.
371
00:14:49,388 --> 00:14:50,848
You have to press really hard
on the trigger,
372
00:14:50,931 --> 00:14:52,349
but not all the way.
373
00:14:52,433 --> 00:14:55,019
- Don't worry.
- I'm gonna let them win.
374
00:14:55,102 --> 00:14:56,520
- All right, guys.
375
00:14:56,604 --> 00:14:59,315
Three, two, one.
376
00:14:59,398 --> 00:15:00,399
Showtime!
377
00:15:00,482 --> 00:15:01,692
- Go!
378
00:15:01,775 --> 00:15:05,529
- Look at 'em going.
Look at 'em growing.
379
00:15:05,613 --> 00:15:06,989
Who's gonna win?
380
00:15:07,072 --> 00:15:08,782
There's only one way
of knowing.
381
00:15:08,866 --> 00:15:10,576
- Mine's going!
- No, mine's going!
382
00:15:10,659 --> 00:15:12,578
- You're too fast.
I'm never gonna catch up.
383
00:15:14,705 --> 00:15:18,042
- Watch and see.
Who's it gonna be?
384
00:15:18,125 --> 00:15:20,669
- Look, Grandma's winning.
385
00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:22,796
Oh, how is this happening?
386
00:15:24,048 --> 00:15:26,634
♪ ♪
387
00:15:26,717 --> 00:15:28,677
- Grandma,
she's getting closer!
388
00:15:30,471 --> 00:15:32,514
- Come on, come on!
389
00:15:32,598 --> 00:15:33,974
- It's not coming out.
390
00:15:34,058 --> 00:15:35,851
I think there's something wrong
with my gun!
391
00:15:35,934 --> 00:15:37,394
- You're a lost cause!
392
00:15:37,478 --> 00:15:38,771
Help me.
393
00:15:38,854 --> 00:15:40,356
Shoot towards Grandma's hole!
394
00:15:40,439 --> 00:15:43,275
- That's cheating.
There's no teams!
395
00:15:43,359 --> 00:15:44,777
Come on.
396
00:15:44,860 --> 00:15:51,909
♪ ♪
397
00:15:53,202 --> 00:15:54,411
Whoo!
398
00:15:54,495 --> 00:15:57,164
Winner, winner,
winner, winner, winner!
399
00:16:01,835 --> 00:16:03,962
♪ ♪
400
00:16:04,046 --> 00:16:05,881
- I'm gonna go
get some funnel cake.
401
00:16:05,964 --> 00:16:07,883
Let's go, boys.
402
00:16:13,389 --> 00:16:15,099
- Um, this is for you.
403
00:16:16,642 --> 00:16:18,644
- Thank you.
- Congratulations.
404
00:16:22,147 --> 00:16:23,899
- Look at you two.
405
00:16:23,982 --> 00:16:27,653
Such a cute couple.
My goodness.
406
00:16:27,736 --> 00:16:30,406
You guys married?
- Not yet.
407
00:16:30,489 --> 00:16:32,825
- What's the holdup there, bub?
- Her personality.
408
00:16:32,908 --> 00:16:36,161
Uff da.
409
00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:37,871
So what are you...
what do you guys do
410
00:16:37,955 --> 00:16:39,748
for a living?
- I'm a writer.
411
00:16:39,832 --> 00:16:41,166
- And I'm
the chief executive officer
412
00:16:41,250 --> 00:16:42,626
for an entertainment
personality's
413
00:16:42,710 --> 00:16:44,962
media and consumer products
empire.
414
00:16:45,045 --> 00:16:46,755
- Uh, okay.
415
00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:48,382
Um...
416
00:16:48,465 --> 00:16:51,093
so what do you guys do for fun?
417
00:16:51,176 --> 00:16:53,053
- Um...
418
00:16:54,513 --> 00:16:55,764
Writing.
419
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:57,725
- But isn't that your job?
420
00:16:57,808 --> 00:16:59,893
- Yeah.
421
00:16:59,977 --> 00:17:01,520
- Okay... um, what about you?
422
00:17:01,603 --> 00:17:04,773
- I own and manage
several rental properties.
423
00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:06,442
- Yeah, look, guys,
424
00:17:06,525 --> 00:17:08,777
I'm kind of looking
for hobbies here, you know?
425
00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:11,613
Something I could
actually draw.
426
00:17:11,697 --> 00:17:13,532
So again,
427
00:17:13,615 --> 00:17:15,868
what do you do for fun?
428
00:17:15,951 --> 00:17:17,286
- The way I go
through ChapSticks,
429
00:17:17,369 --> 00:17:19,788
it should be a hobby.
430
00:17:21,999 --> 00:17:25,002
- I like to organize
my Pinterest.
431
00:17:25,085 --> 00:17:27,129
- I'm just gonna
think of something.
432
00:17:27,212 --> 00:17:28,839
- That's probably best.
- Yeah.
433
00:17:28,922 --> 00:17:30,215
We'll do that.
- Okay.
434
00:17:30,299 --> 00:17:32,217
Okay, this might sting.
435
00:17:32,301 --> 00:17:35,304
Okay, okay, okay.
436
00:17:35,387 --> 00:17:37,347
- You think
I'm gonna need stitches?
437
00:17:37,431 --> 00:17:39,224
- No, I think
you're gonna be just fine.
438
00:17:39,308 --> 00:17:40,642
- I feel so stupid.
439
00:17:40,726 --> 00:17:42,060
I was just trying
to do something nice,
440
00:17:42,144 --> 00:17:44,354
but I always
fuck everything up.
441
00:17:44,438 --> 00:17:45,731
Maybe I should just quit
442
00:17:45,814 --> 00:17:49,026
and go run Fox Searchlight
or whatever.
443
00:17:49,109 --> 00:17:50,861
- You know what?
It's okay.
444
00:17:50,944 --> 00:17:52,946
I fucked up so much
when I was an assistant.
445
00:17:53,030 --> 00:17:54,907
- Really?
- Oh, my God, one time,
446
00:17:54,990 --> 00:17:56,742
I was on Carl Dubin's desk,
447
00:17:56,825 --> 00:17:59,119
and I sent two clients
on the exact same show
448
00:17:59,203 --> 00:18:01,246
each other's W-2s.
449
00:18:01,330 --> 00:18:02,706
- So?
450
00:18:02,790 --> 00:18:04,708
- So they found out how much
the other one was making.
451
00:18:04,792 --> 00:18:06,335
One was making $150,000,
452
00:18:06,418 --> 00:18:07,753
while the other was
making $200,000
453
00:18:07,836 --> 00:18:09,213
for the same exact job.
454
00:18:12,257 --> 00:18:15,928
That's, like, so little money.
455
00:18:16,011 --> 00:18:17,513
- It is more than you get paid.
456
00:18:17,596 --> 00:18:19,681
- Yeah, but I just do this
for travel money.
457
00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:20,974
- Mm-hmm.
458
00:18:21,058 --> 00:18:22,392
- By the way,
next week, I need off
459
00:18:22,476 --> 00:18:24,186
because I'm going
to the dentist again.
460
00:18:24,269 --> 00:18:26,146
- Hmm...
461
00:18:26,230 --> 00:18:28,899
okay, my point is,
I messed up a lot too,
462
00:18:28,982 --> 00:18:30,692
and it's all part of it.
463
00:18:30,776 --> 00:18:33,904
- Yeah, it's okay to mess up.
- Exactly.
464
00:18:33,987 --> 00:18:35,531
- 'Cause our dads founded
the company.
465
00:18:35,614 --> 00:18:38,242
- Well, actually,
it's just the opposite for me.
466
00:18:38,325 --> 00:18:40,035
You know, I feel like
everybody thinks
467
00:18:40,118 --> 00:18:41,495
I have this job
because of my dad,
468
00:18:41,578 --> 00:18:43,539
so it makes me want to work
extra hard
469
00:18:43,622 --> 00:18:44,873
to prove I deserve to be here.
470
00:18:44,957 --> 00:18:47,209
- Well, obviously
you deserve to be here,
471
00:18:47,292 --> 00:18:49,503
but everyone thinks
that I'm, like, a big joke.
472
00:18:49,586 --> 00:18:51,255
- Hey, you're not a joke.
473
00:18:51,338 --> 00:18:54,967
I mean, sometimes I think maybe
your outfits are intentionally
474
00:18:55,050 --> 00:18:57,344
tongue in cheek or something,
but you're not a joke.
475
00:18:57,427 --> 00:18:59,471
But I will say, sometimes,
476
00:18:59,555 --> 00:19:01,932
it does feel like maybe
you don't want to be here.
477
00:19:02,015 --> 00:19:03,475
- But I really want to be here.
478
00:19:03,559 --> 00:19:05,018
I want to be a manager
like you.
479
00:19:05,102 --> 00:19:06,728
- Okay, great.
Well, you can.
480
00:19:06,812 --> 00:19:09,398
You just have to prove it.
- Okay.
481
00:19:09,481 --> 00:19:13,235
- Maybe you could reschedule
your dentist for the weekend?
482
00:19:13,318 --> 00:19:15,112
- I'll try, but...
483
00:19:15,195 --> 00:19:18,407
I already booked the ticket.
484
00:19:18,490 --> 00:19:20,659
To the dentist...office.
485
00:19:20,742 --> 00:19:21,952
- Hmm. Okay.
486
00:19:22,035 --> 00:19:24,580
Maybe we find you
a local dentist, yeah?
487
00:19:24,663 --> 00:19:27,082
- Okay.
488
00:19:27,165 --> 00:19:28,750
- You feeling better?
489
00:19:28,834 --> 00:19:30,502
No.
490
00:19:30,586 --> 00:19:31,753
- Hmm.
491
00:19:31,837 --> 00:19:33,046
- Do you have Oxy?
492
00:19:33,130 --> 00:19:34,423
- No, I don't.
493
00:19:34,506 --> 00:19:36,216
But we have Advil.
494
00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:37,801
- Doesn't work on me.
495
00:19:37,885 --> 00:19:40,804
- Huh. Tylenol?
- Mm. Ick.
496
00:19:40,888 --> 00:19:42,055
- Okay, here.
497
00:19:42,139 --> 00:19:44,141
So let me know
what you guys think.
498
00:19:49,479 --> 00:19:51,481
I got you, girl.
- This is beautiful work.
499
00:19:51,565 --> 00:19:53,066
- Yeah, this is going
in our dining room.
500
00:19:53,150 --> 00:19:55,444
- Aww, that's nice.
Thank you.
501
00:19:55,527 --> 00:19:56,653
All right.
502
00:19:56,737 --> 00:19:58,280
- Yeah.
- Have fun.
503
00:19:58,363 --> 00:19:59,865
- Mm-hmm.
504
00:20:02,492 --> 00:20:04,411
Well, we didn't really
give him much to work with.
505
00:20:04,494 --> 00:20:05,829
- Yeah.
506
00:20:05,913 --> 00:20:08,624
I guess we're both
all about our jobs.
507
00:20:09,875 --> 00:20:13,003
But at least you're a CEO
and, like, super successful.
508
00:20:13,086 --> 00:20:15,589
- I guess.
- Uh, yeah.
509
00:20:15,672 --> 00:20:16,965
Plus you own multiple homes
510
00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:20,594
and you're in a relationship
with a 9.5.
511
00:20:20,677 --> 00:20:24,139
- Actually,
Wilson and I broke up.
512
00:20:24,222 --> 00:20:25,807
A while ago.
513
00:20:25,891 --> 00:20:27,643
- Oh.
514
00:20:27,726 --> 00:20:30,145
That sucks. I'm really sorry.
515
00:20:30,228 --> 00:20:33,732
- Mostly because I'm married
to my work, obviously.
516
00:20:33,815 --> 00:20:36,860
And when I did try to have fun,
I almost killed a dog.
517
00:20:36,944 --> 00:20:39,446
- Like, for revenge?
518
00:20:39,529 --> 00:20:41,698
- No, it was an accident.
- Ah.
519
00:20:41,782 --> 00:20:44,451
Well, accidents happen.
520
00:20:44,534 --> 00:20:46,161
I called Deborah
"Mommy" earlier.
521
00:20:46,244 --> 00:20:48,205
- Oh.
- I don't even call my mom that.
522
00:20:49,873 --> 00:20:52,834
- You know, Marcus,
you're really smart
523
00:20:52,918 --> 00:20:55,837
and so attractive
and incredibly tall.
524
00:20:57,255 --> 00:20:59,758
- You're gonna find someone.
525
00:20:59,841 --> 00:21:01,051
- Thanks.
526
00:21:02,761 --> 00:21:06,223
Can you maybe not tell anyone
about the breakup?
527
00:21:06,306 --> 00:21:09,101
- Of course.
Spousal privilege.
528
00:21:12,604 --> 00:21:15,357
- Okay, I will do one ride.
529
00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:16,358
- Yes!
530
00:21:16,441 --> 00:21:19,152
Slingshot, bitch.
Let's go!
531
00:21:19,236 --> 00:21:20,195
- Okay.
532
00:21:25,784 --> 00:21:27,452
- Hi.
Um...
533
00:21:28,620 --> 00:21:32,374
I-I wanted you to have this
hemorrhoid pillow they gave me.
534
00:21:32,457 --> 00:21:34,918
- Hemorrhoid pillow?
535
00:21:35,002 --> 00:21:37,713
This is a plush donut.
536
00:21:37,796 --> 00:21:39,506
But thank you.
537
00:21:39,589 --> 00:21:41,383
- You can still use it
as a hemorrhoid pillow.
538
00:21:41,466 --> 00:21:43,427
- Do you think
I have hemorrhoids?
539
00:21:43,510 --> 00:21:44,594
- N-no!
540
00:21:44,678 --> 00:21:46,054
God, no.
541
00:21:46,138 --> 00:21:47,889
No, I just...
542
00:21:51,852 --> 00:21:54,062
Susan, I...
543
00:21:54,146 --> 00:21:55,522
I just... I'm sorry.
544
00:21:55,605 --> 00:21:57,232
I got so carried away
back there.
545
00:21:57,315 --> 00:21:59,818
- Oh, it's fine.
It's a silly game.
546
00:22:01,570 --> 00:22:02,946
But you haven't changed a bit.
547
00:22:03,030 --> 00:22:05,157
You are still
the most competitive person
548
00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:07,576
I have ever met.
549
00:22:07,659 --> 00:22:09,745
- About that, I...
550
00:22:11,246 --> 00:22:13,415
I owe you an apology.
551
00:22:14,833 --> 00:22:19,087
I think that I'm the reason
that you quit doing stand-up.
552
00:22:19,171 --> 00:22:21,548
- Oh, I wouldn't say
it was your fault.
553
00:22:21,631 --> 00:22:24,134
- No, it is.
554
00:22:24,217 --> 00:22:26,303
When they posted
the advancing comics
555
00:22:26,386 --> 00:22:30,432
at the showcase...
556
00:22:30,515 --> 00:22:33,560
I erased your name.
557
00:22:33,643 --> 00:22:35,187
You had made it
to the final round,
558
00:22:35,270 --> 00:22:37,731
and I can't help but think
that if you had moved on,
559
00:22:37,814 --> 00:22:40,317
you'd have just kept going.
560
00:22:41,610 --> 00:22:44,029
- Wait, what?
- No, I know. I know.
561
00:22:44,112 --> 00:22:47,032
There's no excuse. I'm sorry.
562
00:22:47,115 --> 00:22:48,742
You really could have made it.
563
00:22:48,825 --> 00:22:50,786
Deborah, hold on.
564
00:22:50,869 --> 00:22:53,246
You think I quit comedy
because I didn't make it
565
00:22:53,330 --> 00:22:57,125
to the next round
of a college showcase?
566
00:22:57,209 --> 00:22:59,544
- Well, it was
a national college showcase.
567
00:22:59,628 --> 00:23:01,254
- No!
568
00:23:01,338 --> 00:23:03,131
That was when your daughter
569
00:23:03,215 --> 00:23:07,219
hit her head
and got a concussion.
570
00:23:07,302 --> 00:23:08,845
- What?
- Yeah.
571
00:23:08,929 --> 00:23:11,807
She was, like, ten,
and she snuck a bottle of vodka
572
00:23:11,890 --> 00:23:15,435
from the bar, she hit her head
on a table in the green room.
573
00:23:15,519 --> 00:23:17,395
She got a concussion.
574
00:23:17,479 --> 00:23:20,732
Do you not remember this?
575
00:23:20,816 --> 00:23:22,484
- I remember I closed
576
00:23:22,567 --> 00:23:24,069
with the one-legged
cheerleader joke
577
00:23:24,152 --> 00:23:26,446
and it killed.
578
00:23:26,530 --> 00:23:29,199
DJ concussion...
579
00:23:29,282 --> 00:23:30,700
no.
580
00:23:30,784 --> 00:23:33,245
- Wait, wait, why would you
retire after that?
581
00:23:33,328 --> 00:23:35,914
- Well, I'd just found out
that I was pregnant.
582
00:23:35,997 --> 00:23:38,917
And, um...
583
00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:41,294
then that happened and...
584
00:23:44,506 --> 00:23:46,299
I saw the sacrifices
you were making
585
00:23:46,383 --> 00:23:48,802
to have your daughter
on the road.
586
00:23:48,885 --> 00:23:51,638
And I just had this vision
of the kind of person
587
00:23:51,721 --> 00:23:55,642
I'd have to be
in order to make it, and...
588
00:23:58,728 --> 00:24:02,149
You were completely devoted
to your work.
589
00:24:02,232 --> 00:24:06,695
You had to be.
You were like a shark.
590
00:24:06,778 --> 00:24:08,405
I mean, case in point,
591
00:24:08,488 --> 00:24:10,782
you didn't even realize
it happened.
592
00:24:10,866 --> 00:24:14,327
- Hell, I don't even
remember it now.
593
00:24:14,411 --> 00:24:16,872
- Well, the point is,
594
00:24:16,955 --> 00:24:18,915
I couldn't do it.
595
00:24:22,502 --> 00:24:24,880
Or I didn't want to.
596
00:24:26,339 --> 00:24:29,593
But it's nice to know
I made it to the next round.
597
00:24:31,469 --> 00:24:34,973
You were really funny.
598
00:24:36,391 --> 00:24:37,767
- I know.
599
00:24:39,477 --> 00:24:40,604
- You miss it?
600
00:24:42,063 --> 00:24:43,857
Sometimes, when I see someone
601
00:24:43,940 --> 00:24:45,901
like Leona Skaggsley
doing a guest spot
602
00:24:45,984 --> 00:24:47,652
on "Grey's Anatomy," I think,
603
00:24:47,736 --> 00:24:50,739
"Ooh, I could have been
funnier than that."
604
00:24:50,822 --> 00:24:52,866
Yeah, well,
605
00:24:52,949 --> 00:24:54,576
not the most comedic show.
606
00:24:54,659 --> 00:24:57,829
- Well, sometimes they use
the guest actors for levity.
607
00:24:57,913 --> 00:24:59,706
- That's true.
608
00:25:02,834 --> 00:25:04,961
I am...
609
00:25:05,045 --> 00:25:09,257
so, so sorry
I erased your name.
610
00:25:09,341 --> 00:25:13,220
- Hey, we both did
what we had to do.
611
00:25:13,303 --> 00:25:16,598
And it worked out
for both of us, right?
612
00:25:16,681 --> 00:25:18,350
Also, I told everyone
613
00:25:18,433 --> 00:25:21,645
you blew one of the judges
to get on that showcase.
614
00:25:21,728 --> 00:25:23,438
So I call it even.
615
00:25:23,521 --> 00:25:25,440
You bitch!
616
00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:35,450
- All right.
- Whoo-hoo!
617
00:25:35,533 --> 00:25:36,743
Down.
618
00:25:36,826 --> 00:25:38,370
- Here we go.
- Here we go.
619
00:25:38,453 --> 00:25:39,579
Uh, I want...
620
00:25:39,663 --> 00:25:41,039
I want to get off.
- What?
621
00:25:41,122 --> 00:25:42,415
- I want to get off.
We need to get off.
622
00:25:42,499 --> 00:25:43,792
- You're the one
who wanted to do this.
623
00:25:43,875 --> 00:25:45,502
- I don't.
I decided that I don't.
624
00:25:45,585 --> 00:25:47,212
- I'm only doing this
for you, Ava.
625
00:25:47,295 --> 00:25:50,799
- Excuse me. Uh, sir.
Does anyone...
626
00:25:50,882 --> 00:25:52,342
let me off!
- We're already strapped in.
627
00:25:52,425 --> 00:25:54,761
- Stop! Seriously!
628
00:25:54,844 --> 00:25:57,764
Stop! I have a bomb!
- This isn't a plane, Ava.
629
00:25:57,847 --> 00:25:59,266
Diarrhea!
630
00:25:59,349 --> 00:26:01,309
- Stop the ride
or I'll make a big mess!
631
00:26:01,393 --> 00:26:03,144
Oh, no! Oh, God!
632
00:26:03,228 --> 00:26:04,312
No, no!
633
00:26:09,025 --> 00:26:10,610
- Hey, I'm headed out.
634
00:26:10,694 --> 00:26:12,320
- Mahalo, my king.
635
00:26:12,404 --> 00:26:14,239
- And I was thinking.
636
00:26:14,322 --> 00:26:15,699
How would you like
to do coverage
637
00:26:15,782 --> 00:26:17,742
on a couple scripts for me?
638
00:26:17,826 --> 00:26:19,619
- Really?
- Yeah.
639
00:26:19,703 --> 00:26:23,081
- Oh, I would love to. Yeah.
640
00:26:23,164 --> 00:26:24,874
Thank you, Jimmy.
641
00:26:24,958 --> 00:26:26,751
- Thank you.
I'll see you Monday?
642
00:26:26,835 --> 00:26:29,421
I'll see you Monday.
643
00:26:37,470 --> 00:26:42,350
"What is coverage...script."
644
00:26:43,643 --> 00:26:46,438
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
645
00:26:46,521 --> 00:26:48,189
You know what
I'm talking about.
646
00:26:48,273 --> 00:26:52,068
Being a female comedian
is a lot of joke writing
647
00:26:52,152 --> 00:26:54,154
and then men telling you
you're ugly
648
00:26:54,237 --> 00:26:56,531
or that you should sleep
with them,
649
00:26:56,614 --> 00:26:58,533
whereas women
in other professions don't
650
00:26:58,616 --> 00:26:59,743
write as many jokes.
651
00:27:04,039 --> 00:27:05,874
But I'm lucky to be in comedy
652
00:27:05,957 --> 00:27:07,417
because I could never have been
a nurse,
653
00:27:07,500 --> 00:27:09,210
I mean, my God, those shoes...
654
00:27:09,294 --> 00:27:10,712
Ladies and gentlemen,
655
00:27:10,795 --> 00:27:14,132
Bessie is calving.
656
00:27:14,215 --> 00:27:16,885
The calf birth
is just moments away.
657
00:27:16,968 --> 00:27:18,845
Check your tickets
and head to tent four
658
00:27:18,928 --> 00:27:21,723
to see the new addition
and claim your prize.
659
00:27:21,806 --> 00:27:23,058
- Lord!
660
00:27:23,141 --> 00:27:24,768
Honey, I think you should have
had a C-section.
661
00:27:24,851 --> 00:27:26,895
Ouch.
662
00:27:26,978 --> 00:27:30,190
You know the rule.
Hooves on the ground.
663
00:27:30,273 --> 00:27:31,941
Oh, there she is!
664
00:27:32,025 --> 00:27:34,569
Winning time is 4:36.
665
00:27:34,652 --> 00:27:36,363
Please go
to the livestock stall
666
00:27:36,446 --> 00:27:38,990
to check your tickets
and collect your winnings.
667
00:27:39,074 --> 00:27:41,493
- Check your watches, folks.
668
00:27:41,576 --> 00:27:44,454
You know,
as I was saying before the...
669
00:27:44,537 --> 00:27:46,414
future cheeseburger
interrupted...
670
00:27:50,668 --> 00:27:53,755
Folks,
we've got another calf!
671
00:27:53,838 --> 00:27:58,051
They're twins,
which means multiple winners.
672
00:28:02,847 --> 00:28:04,391
- You know, I didn't know
I was gonna be competing
673
00:28:04,474 --> 00:28:06,434
for stage time today.
674
00:28:06,518 --> 00:28:07,936
Should've shown more cleavage.
675
00:28:12,899 --> 00:28:18,655
♪ ♪
676
00:28:20,115 --> 00:28:21,950
Hey.
677
00:28:22,033 --> 00:28:23,118
Whew.
678
00:28:23,201 --> 00:28:25,161
State fair's
a tough crowd, huh?
679
00:28:25,245 --> 00:28:27,872
- Yeah, well,
it's hard to share a time slot
680
00:28:27,956 --> 00:28:29,416
with the miracle of life.
681
00:28:29,499 --> 00:28:30,959
Yeah, well,
not the first time
682
00:28:31,042 --> 00:28:33,128
I've been upstaged
by a scene-stealing cow.
683
00:28:33,211 --> 00:28:35,088
I worked with Chevy Chase
in the '90s.
684
00:28:38,633 --> 00:28:40,301
Thanks. Yeah.
- Yeah.
685
00:28:40,385 --> 00:28:42,178
- Thanks for coming.
- Good to see you.
686
00:28:42,262 --> 00:28:43,805
- You too.
687
00:28:43,888 --> 00:28:45,723
- You hang in there.
688
00:28:48,268 --> 00:28:50,019
Come on, boys.
689
00:28:57,318 --> 00:28:58,736
- Thanks.
690
00:28:58,820 --> 00:29:05,743
♪ ♪
691
00:29:06,202 --> 00:29:07,495
- You actually look good
here, though.
692
00:29:11,875 --> 00:29:18,965
♪ ♪
693
00:29:23,261 --> 00:29:26,431
- You want to beat us
at Celebrity?
694
00:29:26,514 --> 00:29:27,807
- No.
695
00:29:27,891 --> 00:29:29,934
Thanks. I'm not in the mood.
696
00:29:30,018 --> 00:29:32,187
- We got you something.
697
00:29:40,820 --> 00:29:43,573
He was very kind to your hands.
698
00:29:43,656 --> 00:29:45,867
- I kept 'em in my pockets.
699
00:29:50,205 --> 00:29:52,916
- Well, congratulations
to the happy couple.
700
00:29:52,999 --> 00:29:54,959
- Thank you.
Thank you. Appreciate it.
701
00:29:55,043 --> 00:30:01,758
♪ ♪
702
00:30:02,967 --> 00:30:04,802
- That would have happened
to anyone in your position.
703
00:30:04,886 --> 00:30:08,056
No one can compete with a
20-foot cow vagina behind them.
704
00:30:08,139 --> 00:30:10,141
- That's the thing.
705
00:30:10,225 --> 00:30:13,394
Nobody at my level
would be in that position.
706
00:30:13,478 --> 00:30:16,648
Doing drop-ins and state fairs.
707
00:30:16,731 --> 00:30:20,443
After all this stupid,
competitive shit.
708
00:30:22,654 --> 00:30:25,406
For what?
709
00:30:25,490 --> 00:30:27,992
Get bumped by a cow.
710
00:30:28,076 --> 00:30:30,370
Fight for a residency
at Terrible's
711
00:30:30,453 --> 00:30:31,996
an hour off the Strip.
712
00:30:32,080 --> 00:30:35,083
- I thought you said
the MGM was interested.
713
00:30:35,166 --> 00:30:38,169
Well, they're not.
714
00:30:39,837 --> 00:30:41,256
I should have....
715
00:30:41,339 --> 00:30:43,341
just retired
and gone out on top.
716
00:30:48,179 --> 00:30:49,472
Who are you kidding?
717
00:30:49,556 --> 00:30:51,641
You could never retire.
718
00:30:51,724 --> 00:30:54,811
You're gonna be up
on that stage until you die.
719
00:30:54,894 --> 00:30:56,813
At 109.
720
00:30:59,399 --> 00:31:02,944
And I'm the same way.
I can't turn it off either.
721
00:31:03,027 --> 00:31:04,821
And nothing matters more,
722
00:31:04,904 --> 00:31:08,366
even if it should.
723
00:31:08,449 --> 00:31:10,910
- Well...
724
00:31:10,994 --> 00:31:12,954
shit.
725
00:31:13,037 --> 00:31:14,789
- You're right.
726
00:31:14,872 --> 00:31:16,916
And I don't want to stop.
727
00:31:18,376 --> 00:31:19,794
I like the work.
728
00:31:19,877 --> 00:31:23,548
- You know, Deborah,
back in Vegas, you were on top.
729
00:31:24,591 --> 00:31:26,759
But with all due respect...
730
00:31:28,344 --> 00:31:30,972
I think that was just a hill.
731
00:31:31,055 --> 00:31:33,182
And now you're climbing
a mountain.
732
00:31:33,266 --> 00:31:37,020
♪ ♪
733
00:31:37,103 --> 00:31:38,646
- A mountain? Ugh.
734
00:31:38,730 --> 00:31:40,273
Sounds exhausting.
735
00:31:43,192 --> 00:31:45,987
We can't even figure out
that stupid
736
00:31:46,070 --> 00:31:48,323
business manager punch line.
737
00:31:48,406 --> 00:31:50,325
Yeah.
738
00:31:50,408 --> 00:31:52,201
Maybe it's, like,
739
00:31:52,285 --> 00:31:54,704
something about...
740
00:31:54,787 --> 00:31:56,581
filing taxes?
741
00:31:56,664 --> 00:31:58,833
- Filing taxes...
742
00:31:58,916 --> 00:32:00,877
filing...
743
00:32:00,960 --> 00:32:04,339
Filing nails, filing...
744
00:32:04,422 --> 00:32:06,174
ah, God, no, no, no,
I can't do this.
745
00:32:06,257 --> 00:32:07,467
I can't do this.
You know what?
746
00:32:07,550 --> 00:32:08,843
Get your bathing suit.
747
00:32:08,926 --> 00:32:11,262
- What?
- You need to learn to float.
748
00:32:12,555 --> 00:32:14,641
Come on.
749
00:32:15,975 --> 00:32:18,102
- Come on.
- No.
750
00:32:19,520 --> 00:32:20,855
- Nothing's gonna happen.
Come on.
751
00:32:20,938 --> 00:32:23,107
- I don't like it.
- Oh, for Pete's sake.
752
00:32:23,191 --> 00:32:24,442
I'll hold you.
- Okay.
753
00:32:24,525 --> 00:32:25,902
- Okay, I'm gonna hold you up.
754
00:32:25,985 --> 00:32:27,111
- Like...
755
00:32:27,195 --> 00:32:28,363
- I'm just gonna support you.
756
00:32:28,446 --> 00:32:29,864
Lean back.
757
00:32:29,947 --> 00:32:32,116
Lean back. Lift your chest.
758
00:32:40,166 --> 00:32:42,960
- Okay, what about this?
759
00:32:43,044 --> 00:32:46,464
My business manager stole
over $3 million.
760
00:32:46,547 --> 00:32:48,466
If I wanted a man to take
that much money from me,
761
00:32:48,549 --> 00:32:51,511
I would have married him.
762
00:32:51,594 --> 00:32:53,054
Yeah, but...
763
00:32:53,137 --> 00:32:55,682
no, we've got so much marriage
stuff right before this.
764
00:32:55,765 --> 00:32:57,684
How about...
765
00:32:57,767 --> 00:32:59,560
how about something about...
766
00:32:59,644 --> 00:33:02,563
how much that would be today
with inflation?
767
00:33:02,647 --> 00:33:05,358
- Well, how much would it be?
- I have no idea.
768
00:33:07,443 --> 00:33:10,238
- My business manager stole
over $3 million.
769
00:33:10,321 --> 00:33:13,950
You know how much that is
when you adjust for inflation?
770
00:33:14,033 --> 00:33:16,285
Neither do I... it's why
I had a business manager.
771
00:33:19,330 --> 00:33:20,915
- Oh, that's good.
772
00:33:20,998 --> 00:33:22,333
Oh, I like that.
I like that.
773
00:33:22,417 --> 00:33:23,584
I gotta write that down.
- Wait, no, no.
774
00:33:23,668 --> 00:33:25,086
Don't leave me.
775
00:33:26,838 --> 00:33:28,256
- You got it.
776
00:33:34,470 --> 00:33:37,640
♪ ♪
777
00:33:37,724 --> 00:33:40,309
- ♪ Numbers on a screen
mean nothing to me ♪
778
00:33:40,393 --> 00:33:42,562
♪ We're on the same boat
but different seats ♪
779
00:33:42,645 --> 00:33:44,605
♪ And how could you
ever believe ♪
780
00:33:44,689 --> 00:33:48,484
♪ "It's not personal,
it's business" ♪
781
00:33:48,568 --> 00:33:50,945
♪ No matter how much ♪
782
00:33:51,028 --> 00:33:53,448
♪ You get to have ♪
783
00:33:53,531 --> 00:33:55,116
♪ You will still die ♪
784
00:33:55,199 --> 00:33:58,286
♪ And that's the only thing ♪
785
00:33:58,369 --> 00:34:00,204
♪ You gotta have boots ♪
786
00:34:00,288 --> 00:34:04,834
♪ If you wanna lift
those bootstraps ♪
787
00:34:04,917 --> 00:34:06,878
♪ ♪
788
00:34:06,961 --> 00:34:09,297
♪ You can do a lot
with four American dollars ♪
789
00:34:09,380 --> 00:34:11,716
♪ You can do a lot with
four American dollars ♪
790
00:34:11,799 --> 00:34:14,385
♪ You can do a lot
with four American dollars ♪
791
00:34:14,469 --> 00:34:16,679
♪ ♪
792
00:34:16,763 --> 00:34:18,973
♪ I don't believe in pennies
and nickels ♪
793
00:34:19,056 --> 00:34:21,434
♪ And dimes and dollars
and pesos and pounds ♪
794
00:34:21,517 --> 00:34:24,395
♪ And rupees
and yen and rubles ♪
795
00:34:24,479 --> 00:34:26,314
♪ No dinero ♪
796
00:34:26,397 --> 00:34:28,900
♪ You can do a lot
with four American dollars ♪
797
00:34:28,983 --> 00:34:31,194
♪ You can do a lot with
four American dollars ♪
798
00:34:31,277 --> 00:34:33,738
♪ You can do a lot
with four American dollars ♪
799
00:34:33,821 --> 00:34:36,157
♪ ♪
800
00:34:39,285 --> 00:34:46,167
♪ ♪
801
00:34:48,586 --> 00:34:50,338
- This is my time to shine.
55404
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