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Support us and become VIP member
to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org
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00:00:36,568 --> 00:00:39,594
You can always count on
the Onion to get the story.
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00:00:39,672 --> 00:00:42,334
It's America's finest news source.
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00:00:43,575 --> 00:00:45,668
And now, the Onion News...
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00:00:45,744 --> 00:00:48,440
America's finest news source.
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00:00:49,715 --> 00:00:51,683
Featuring Dana Dobbs...
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00:00:51,750 --> 00:00:54,344
senior correspondent, Kip Kendall...
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00:00:54,420 --> 00:00:57,753
and award-winning anchor,
Norm Archer.
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00:00:57,823 --> 00:01:00,383
We begin today
with news from Detroit...
10
00:01:00,459 --> 00:01:02,689
where automaking giant,
American Automotive...
11
00:01:02,761 --> 00:01:07,664
announced a safety recall of all
2004 cars containing neck belts.
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00:01:07,733 --> 00:01:11,897
The neck belts introduced last month
in an attempt to reduce head injuries...
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00:01:11,971 --> 00:01:14,303
have been found to cause
crushed tracheas...
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00:01:14,373 --> 00:01:17,103
severe spinal damage
and violent decapitation.
15
00:01:17,176 --> 00:01:19,235
Daddy's home. Hi, Dad.
16
00:01:24,817 --> 00:01:29,914
Today, the U.S. military announced
an innovative new plan to draw new recruits.
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00:01:29,989 --> 00:01:33,220
You sign up right now...
18
00:01:33,292 --> 00:01:35,692
you get one pair of Ozzfest tickets...
19
00:01:35,761 --> 00:01:38,127
and a set of mud flaps for your truck.
20
00:01:38,197 --> 00:01:41,132
Then after six months of active duty...
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00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:43,668
you are eligible to receive...
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00:01:43,736 --> 00:01:45,795
an ounce of weed.
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00:01:45,871 --> 00:01:48,237
Sweet!
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00:01:48,307 --> 00:01:51,970
And in six more months,
a bunch more weed.
25
00:01:52,044 --> 00:01:55,207
You're fuckin' lying.
I get some more weed?
26
00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:59,046
And if you serve a tour of duty
during a foreign conflict...
27
00:01:59,118 --> 00:02:02,918
you will receive
upon your discharge... this.
28
00:02:02,988 --> 00:02:06,617
- A hot bitch poster.
- Damn it! Sign me up!
29
00:02:09,461 --> 00:02:12,430
The Internet went down
for three hours this morning...
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plunging the nation into productivity.
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00:02:15,467 --> 00:02:19,904
The outage, which caused major work
"startages" from New York to California...
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00:02:19,972 --> 00:02:24,500
prevented an estimated
120 million American employees...
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from messing around
on the Web at work.
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More Onion News after this.
35
00:02:30,382 --> 00:02:33,681
In a world without justice...
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00:02:34,853 --> 00:02:37,287
where the strong
prey on the weak-
37
00:02:46,331 --> 00:02:49,300
One man must face
the ultimate challenge-
38
00:02:49,368 --> 00:02:51,598
Master, how did they defeat me?
39
00:02:51,670 --> 00:02:53,797
They used an ancient technique.
40
00:02:53,872 --> 00:02:58,775
It strikes at the very core of a warrior's strength.
41
00:03:00,312 --> 00:03:03,179
For this attack,
there is no defense.
42
00:03:03,248 --> 00:03:05,273
Master, will you teach me?
43
00:03:05,350 --> 00:03:09,343
- You are not yet ready, my son.
- I'm ready, master.
44
00:03:12,024 --> 00:03:14,458
No, you are not.
You have much to learn.
45
00:03:16,895 --> 00:03:18,692
You, young pupil...
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00:03:18,764 --> 00:03:21,733
shall become... a cockpuncher.
47
00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:24,234
From Global Tetrahedron Pictures-
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00:03:24,303 --> 00:03:28,069
Steven Seagal is Cockpuncher.
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Stop!
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Cockpuncher.
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00:03:43,455 --> 00:03:46,049
I don't think you have the balls.
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00:03:46,125 --> 00:03:48,423
From Global Tetrahedron Pictures.
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00:03:48,494 --> 00:03:51,190
That looks awesome!
54
00:03:51,263 --> 00:03:54,596
Sure does, kids.
A real whomp in the nut sack.
55
00:03:54,666 --> 00:03:57,157
Honey, have you seen
my good black socks?
56
00:04:00,506 --> 00:04:03,031
- Mommy, look.
- Honey?
57
00:04:03,108 --> 00:04:06,908
If you see news happening,
call the Onion News hotline.
58
00:04:06,979 --> 00:04:11,541
Honey, I cannot find my good black socks.
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00:04:13,886 --> 00:04:16,047
Hello? Onion News?
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00:04:24,696 --> 00:04:27,563
My baby!
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00:04:33,639 --> 00:04:35,732
We're here live with
a breaking news story.
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00:04:35,807 --> 00:04:39,641
Apparently, a local area man
has misplaced his black socks.
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00:04:39,711 --> 00:04:43,306
Mr. McCormick, would you please tell us
exactly what happened this morning?
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00:04:43,382 --> 00:04:47,318
Sure. Um, I got up.
It was a normal morning.
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00:04:47,386 --> 00:04:52,119
The kids are downstairs.
And, uh, my wife's giving 'em breakfast.
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00:04:52,191 --> 00:04:55,888
And all of a sudden, I noticed
that my good black socks are missing.
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00:04:57,963 --> 00:05:00,397
Here's your boy, ma'am,
safe and sound.
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00:05:00,465 --> 00:05:02,558
Oh. Thanks, thanks.
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00:05:02,634 --> 00:05:05,728
Look, sweetie. Look!
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00:05:05,804 --> 00:05:07,999
- The Onion News van!
- Yeah.
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00:05:10,676 --> 00:05:13,270
In other news, a local
eight-year-old accidentally...
72
00:05:13,345 --> 00:05:16,143
exercised his Second Amendment
rights yesterday...
73
00:05:16,215 --> 00:05:20,345
when he blew off his head
with his father's semiautomatic rifle.
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00:05:20,419 --> 00:05:23,786
The fatal incident is being hailed
by gun rights activists...
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00:05:23,855 --> 00:05:27,951
as a victory for America
and the Constitution.
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00:05:31,230 --> 00:05:35,599
- Nobody move, unless you want
your head blown off!
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00:05:35,667 --> 00:05:38,363
- You!
- Please. Please don't shoot me.
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00:05:38,437 --> 00:05:40,371
I'll give you however much you want.
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Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You think I want money?
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You think that's what this is about?
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00:05:46,211 --> 00:05:48,611
A big, angry black man
comes walking in waving a gun...
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and you assume
he's robbing the place?
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I ain't looking for no goddamn handout.
I'm looking for a motherfucking job, bitch!
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00:05:54,419 --> 00:05:59,015
- Excuse me?
- You heard me! A motherfucking job!
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Don't you see? If you give me money,
that'll just help me in the short term.
86
00:06:02,861 --> 00:06:07,855
But a job, that'll help me develop
valuable job skills and experience.
87
00:06:07,933 --> 00:06:10,663
It's like teaching a man how to fish.
88
00:06:10,736 --> 00:06:13,466
So quit stalling,
get your bitch ass back there...
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00:06:13,538 --> 00:06:16,632
and give me a 40-hour week position...
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with vacation pay and benefits...
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you piece of shit motherfucker.
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And don't make me ask twice.
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Back that ass up.
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00:06:24,616 --> 00:06:27,483
Let's go. Let's go. I can help
the next motherfuckin' person in line.
95
00:06:27,552 --> 00:06:31,545
You in that apricot sweater suit,
get your bitch ass on over here now!
96
00:06:31,623 --> 00:06:33,648
How can I help you today?
97
00:06:33,725 --> 00:06:37,855
I'd like to deposit this check,
please, into my savings account,
and then I need to withdraw-
98
00:06:37,929 --> 00:06:41,592
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just shut the fuck up for a minute.
99
00:06:41,667 --> 00:06:44,295
What the fuck you doin', Liz Anne?
You callin' the cops?
100
00:06:44,369 --> 00:06:46,303
- No.
- If that's the goddamned cops-
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00:06:46,371 --> 00:06:50,273
No, no, I swear. I was just on
with an account holder. I was advising him-
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00:06:50,342 --> 00:06:53,175
I'm gonna kill you, bitch!
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00:06:53,245 --> 00:06:55,907
Who the fuck's this?
You a cop? Mm-hmm.
104
00:06:55,981 --> 00:06:58,916
Well, what I recommend is that
you keep at least 500 in your checking...
105
00:06:58,984 --> 00:07:00,918
to just avoid
the minimum balance fee...
106
00:07:00,986 --> 00:07:04,251
and put the rest in our money market which
will earn you an additional 2% interest.
107
00:07:04,323 --> 00:07:07,349
Right. You have a nice day, sir.
My pleasure. Uh-
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00:07:08,694 --> 00:07:10,958
Liz Anne, uh, sorry.
109
00:07:11,029 --> 00:07:12,963
My bad.
110
00:07:13,031 --> 00:07:15,363
That's okay.
Honest mistake.
111
00:07:15,434 --> 00:07:18,426
Armed gunman,
I've been watching you...
112
00:07:18,503 --> 00:07:22,405
and I must say, I'm impressed.
113
00:07:22,474 --> 00:07:25,204
How'd you like to be
our new customer services supervisor?
114
00:07:26,345 --> 00:07:29,075
Mr. P., it'd be
my motherfuckin' honor.
115
00:07:50,402 --> 00:07:54,099
Outstanding. Yeah, we're gonna get you
an annuity for 12 years on that one.
116
00:07:54,172 --> 00:07:56,106
I'll get you 8% on that one.
117
00:07:56,174 --> 00:07:59,337
Everybody down now!
Get the fuck down, everybody!
118
00:07:59,411 --> 00:08:02,346
Give me all the money!
Hurry up! Hurry the fuck up!
119
00:08:02,414 --> 00:08:04,348
What you doing?
You playing back there?
120
00:08:04,416 --> 00:08:07,647
Load the bag up with money,
and nobody else fucking move.
121
00:08:07,719 --> 00:08:09,949
You hurry up!
Hurry the fuck up!
122
00:08:10,021 --> 00:08:12,182
Load the bag up!
Load the bag-
123
00:08:16,027 --> 00:08:19,895
You sicken me.
Asking for a handout...
124
00:08:19,965 --> 00:08:23,423
instead of raising yourself up
out of your situation through hard work.
125
00:08:23,502 --> 00:08:27,632
Why don't you get a job like the rest of us?
126
00:08:30,375 --> 00:08:35,836
According to statistics,
87% of U.S. citizens are obese.
127
00:08:35,914 --> 00:08:39,475
And the surgeon general is taking steps
to address the problem.
128
00:08:39,551 --> 00:08:42,782
- As a result of the rampant
spread of obesity in the U. S...
129
00:08:42,854 --> 00:08:45,914
the government has been forced
to raise the definition of obesity...
130
00:08:45,991 --> 00:08:49,358
from 55% body fat to 90%.
131
00:08:49,428 --> 00:08:52,022
The move, which reduces
the number of obese Americans...
132
00:08:52,097 --> 00:08:54,827
from 200 million to 185 million...
133
00:08:54,900 --> 00:08:57,892
was widely applauded
from coast to coast.
134
00:08:57,969 --> 00:09:01,905
It's high time the government stepped in
and did something about this problem.
135
00:09:01,973 --> 00:09:05,500
I don't wanna be obese.
Man, that shit is all fucked up.
136
00:09:05,577 --> 00:09:08,478
In other news,
Georgia officials announced...
137
00:09:08,547 --> 00:09:12,711
plans to add a swastika and middle finger
to the Georgia state flag.
138
00:09:12,784 --> 00:09:17,153
Joe's Diner,
an unusual Atlanta area eatery...
139
00:09:17,222 --> 00:09:22,717
was not based around any sports,
music, or movie-based theme-
140
00:09:22,794 --> 00:09:25,661
- Have you spoken to Norm about the changes?
- Not yet.
141
00:09:25,730 --> 00:09:27,755
- He's not gonna be happy.
- But he's got no choice.
142
00:09:27,833 --> 00:09:32,532
Whatever the new parent
company says... goes.
143
00:09:34,072 --> 00:09:37,007
Melissa Cherry is America's
biggest pop sensation...
144
00:09:37,075 --> 00:09:41,535
selling millions of records
to her legions of teenage fans.
145
00:09:41,613 --> 00:09:45,379
But is this young singer
sending the wrong message?
146
00:09:45,450 --> 00:09:47,384
Kip Kendall reports.
147
00:09:47,452 --> 00:09:50,216
Her new album, Come With Me...
148
00:09:50,288 --> 00:09:53,689
has gone quadruple platinum
and made her a household name.
149
00:09:53,758 --> 00:09:58,422
# Baby, when we kiss
my heart just skips a beat #
150
00:09:58,497 --> 00:10:03,059
#And when you hold my hand
Oh, I can hardly speak #
151
00:10:03,134 --> 00:10:05,694
# Oh, yeah
I'm down on my knees #
152
00:10:05,770 --> 00:10:09,228
But some concerned parents
think Melissa Cherry's...
153
00:10:09,307 --> 00:10:11,298
image and music are too sexy...
154
00:10:11,376 --> 00:10:14,368
setting an inappropriate
example for their children.
155
00:10:14,446 --> 00:10:18,473
So, what do you say to
all the concerned parents out there?
156
00:10:18,550 --> 00:10:22,850
Well, Kip, I honestly don't understand
what all the fuss is about.
157
00:10:22,921 --> 00:10:25,389
My music isn't about sex.
158
00:10:25,457 --> 00:10:29,393
It's about being a girl
and having fun.
159
00:10:29,461 --> 00:10:33,830
But clearly the song, "Down on my Knees,"
Melissa, is about fellatio, isn't it?
160
00:10:33,899 --> 00:10:36,333
Ew. It's about how...
161
00:10:36,401 --> 00:10:38,801
like, when you have
a big crush on a boy...
162
00:10:38,870 --> 00:10:43,398
sometimes you get down on your knees
and, like, beg for their love.
163
00:10:43,475 --> 00:10:48,503
# Oh, I got so much love
I need to show it #
164
00:10:50,115 --> 00:10:53,312
What about your first big hit,
"Take Me From Behind"?
165
00:10:53,385 --> 00:10:57,253
"Take Me From Behind"
isn't sexual at all.
166
00:10:57,322 --> 00:11:00,382
It's about love sneaking up on you.
167
00:11:00,458 --> 00:11:03,154
You know, like from the behind.
168
00:11:03,228 --> 00:11:05,662
You know, it could be a boyfriend's love
sneaking up on you...
169
00:11:05,730 --> 00:11:09,598
or a friend's or even Jesus Christ.
170
00:11:09,668 --> 00:11:14,002
# But what I really want is for
you to take me from behind #
171
00:11:14,072 --> 00:11:16,370
# Oh, yeah #
172
00:11:16,441 --> 00:11:18,432
# Oh, yeah #
173
00:11:18,510 --> 00:11:21,070
# Oh #
174
00:11:21,146 --> 00:11:23,205
# Oh, oh #
175
00:11:23,281 --> 00:11:27,547
#When you love me right up front
you know that I don't mind #
176
00:11:27,619 --> 00:11:31,612
# But what I really want is for you
to take me from behind #
177
00:11:33,692 --> 00:11:37,628
Let's talk about the song,
"Lollipop Love."
178
00:11:37,696 --> 00:11:41,097
"Lollipop Love" is...
179
00:11:41,166 --> 00:11:44,499
the kind of love
that is just really sweet...
180
00:11:44,569 --> 00:11:49,006
and you just kind of want to lick it,
you know, and suck it.
181
00:11:51,343 --> 00:11:53,470
# Lollipop
Hey, yeah #
182
00:11:53,545 --> 00:11:55,706
# Lollipop #
183
00:11:55,780 --> 00:11:57,680
# Love #
184
00:11:57,749 --> 00:11:59,182
# Lollipop #
185
00:11:59,250 --> 00:12:03,311
# Love
Baby, baby #
186
00:12:03,388 --> 00:12:05,913
# Lolly, lolly, lolly
lollipop #
187
00:12:05,991 --> 00:12:09,427
# Oh-ho, lollipop love #
188
00:12:09,494 --> 00:12:11,724
Like a lollipop.
189
00:12:14,065 --> 00:12:17,933
What about the song
"Shoot Your Love All Over Me"?
190
00:12:18,003 --> 00:12:22,201
That's about how, like,
when you're in love...
191
00:12:22,273 --> 00:12:24,264
you just wanna be covered in it.
192
00:12:24,342 --> 00:12:28,608
# Shoot your love all over me #
193
00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:32,582
# Oh, drown me in a milky sea #
194
00:12:32,651 --> 00:12:36,087
# Love all over me #
195
00:12:36,154 --> 00:12:38,520
But clearly, the video
seems to tell a different story.
196
00:12:38,590 --> 00:12:41,024
What kind is that?
197
00:12:41,092 --> 00:12:44,619
- The kind with a... cum shot.
- I'm a virgin.
198
00:12:44,696 --> 00:12:46,391
How would I know what a facial is?
199
00:12:46,464 --> 00:12:49,661
Sometimes I like dressing up
sexy in my videos...
200
00:12:49,734 --> 00:12:52,464
but that's just my way
of celebrating being a woman.
201
00:12:52,537 --> 00:12:55,472
You know, people are always
gonna try to tear you down...
202
00:12:55,540 --> 00:12:57,701
but that's their problem, not mine.
203
00:12:57,776 --> 00:13:01,143
Because I know
who Melissa Cherry is.
204
00:13:01,212 --> 00:13:05,342
She's just a good, old-fashioned country girl
from Monroe, Tennessee.
205
00:13:05,417 --> 00:13:07,408
# Baby ##
206
00:13:10,088 --> 00:13:13,216
The pope condemned
three more glands today...
207
00:13:13,291 --> 00:13:16,818
bringing the total number
of sinful hormone secretion ducts...
208
00:13:16,895 --> 00:13:19,386
on the human body to 11.
209
00:13:20,632 --> 00:13:22,327
In international news...
210
00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:28,202
relations between Sloravia and Azmenistan
continued to deteriorate...
211
00:13:28,273 --> 00:13:32,607
when Azmenistani... rebels... seized a-
212
00:13:43,354 --> 00:13:45,345
Hey, Norm.
213
00:13:50,762 --> 00:13:52,593
Hey, Norm. Okay.
214
00:13:52,664 --> 00:13:56,395
- Oh, there goes Norm again.
- He looks pissed.
215
00:14:07,078 --> 00:14:10,070
Onion tip line.
What do you got?
216
00:14:13,952 --> 00:14:16,318
Hey, Norm. What's up?
217
00:14:16,387 --> 00:14:18,378
Hey, Norman.
218
00:14:18,456 --> 00:14:20,356
What the hell was that?
219
00:14:21,693 --> 00:14:24,753
We'd, uh, been meaning
to talk to you about that.
220
00:14:24,829 --> 00:14:29,163
Um, it's Globie.
It's the Global Tetrahedron penguin.
221
00:14:29,234 --> 00:14:32,362
Yeah, the folks at Global
Tetrahedron thought he'd be...
222
00:14:32,437 --> 00:14:36,203
you know, a fun, unobtrusive way
to plug the company during the news.
223
00:14:36,274 --> 00:14:38,708
Plus, you gotta admit,
he is pretty fucking cute.
224
00:14:38,777 --> 00:14:41,143
Hi, Norm.
225
00:14:41,212 --> 00:14:45,512
Who's the best anchorman
in the whole world? You are!
226
00:14:45,583 --> 00:14:49,178
Come on, Norman.
You've gotta get with the times, mate.
227
00:14:49,254 --> 00:14:51,984
These kind of tie-ins are
commonplace these days, Norman.
228
00:14:52,056 --> 00:14:55,219
It's called synergy, Norm.
229
00:14:55,293 --> 00:14:58,751
We cannot have a shameless ad
for our parent company...
230
00:14:58,830 --> 00:15:00,991
running during the newscast.
231
00:15:01,065 --> 00:15:06,435
It's a blatant compromise
of our journalistic ethics and integrity.
232
00:15:09,040 --> 00:15:11,941
I'm sorry. It's just that, um-
233
00:15:12,010 --> 00:15:14,035
You know, what you're saying, it's-
234
00:15:14,112 --> 00:15:17,172
It's a steaming pile of shit, mate.
235
00:15:17,248 --> 00:15:23,016
Norm, listen, what he's trying
to say is it's, uh, uh-
236
00:15:23,087 --> 00:15:25,385
- It's-
- Hilarious!
237
00:15:25,456 --> 00:15:29,256
It's off the wall!
It's rude, crude and uncensored.
238
00:15:29,327 --> 00:15:33,286
It's the very best of
Bud Schwartz Celebrity Roasts!
239
00:15:33,364 --> 00:15:37,232
Rolly Ingersoll should get
cancer and die!
240
00:15:39,504 --> 00:15:43,099
All the top names in the business
turn out to give each other the business.
241
00:15:43,174 --> 00:15:45,802
Jack Morton,
you're a fuckin' asshole.
242
00:15:45,877 --> 00:15:47,936
You'll get all the zingers.
243
00:15:48,012 --> 00:15:50,572
Fuck you.
244
00:15:50,648 --> 00:15:52,616
All the comebacks.
245
00:15:52,684 --> 00:15:55,983
Suck my dick!
246
00:16:00,291 --> 00:16:02,816
For just 19.99,
you'll get the full-length video...
247
00:16:02,894 --> 00:16:06,159
of the best of Bud Schwartz Celebrity Roasts
delivered straight to your door.
248
00:16:06,231 --> 00:16:09,325
But wait! If you order by credit card
in the next 15 minutes...
249
00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:14,428
we'll throw in the second video, where the stars
turn the tables and roast Bud himself.
250
00:16:14,505 --> 00:16:16,496
You know what I think you are?
251
00:16:16,574 --> 00:16:18,508
A fucking piece of shit!
252
00:16:20,178 --> 00:16:21,907
New tapes will arrive
every other month.
253
00:16:21,980 --> 00:16:27,179
Keep only those you like and return the rest
for a full refund. Order today!
254
00:16:27,252 --> 00:16:31,484
I fucked his wife!
255
00:16:31,556 --> 00:16:33,854
In the ass!
256
00:16:33,925 --> 00:16:35,859
Whoo!
257
00:16:40,398 --> 00:16:42,593
From Global Tetrahedron Pictures...
258
00:16:42,667 --> 00:16:46,000
Steven Seagal is... Cockpuncher!
259
00:16:46,070 --> 00:16:49,267
Awesome.
260
00:16:52,844 --> 00:16:55,312
Decadent, immoral, Western filth!
261
00:16:57,916 --> 00:17:00,146
Ooh.
262
00:17:02,720 --> 00:17:04,847
Awesome.
263
00:17:12,897 --> 00:17:15,661
Decadent, immoral, Western filth!
264
00:17:15,733 --> 00:17:18,463
Cockpuncher.
265
00:17:25,610 --> 00:17:28,477
Welcome to the Al-Q'Utaya terrorist team.
266
00:17:28,546 --> 00:17:32,505
This training video will teach you
what angry slogans to scream.
267
00:17:32,583 --> 00:17:34,949
Death to the godless shit beasts!
268
00:17:35,019 --> 00:17:37,749
How to blend into
a typical American city.
269
00:17:37,822 --> 00:17:39,915
Yeah.
270
00:17:39,991 --> 00:17:42,425
And so much more.
271
00:17:42,493 --> 00:17:44,518
Here are Ahmed and Ahman.
272
00:17:44,595 --> 00:17:47,063
They may be brothers,
but they couldn't be more different.
273
00:17:47,131 --> 00:17:49,827
Ahmed knows punctuality
is important.
274
00:17:49,901 --> 00:17:52,995
He makes sure to leave plenty of time
to get to his bombing site.
275
00:17:53,071 --> 00:17:56,234
Death to the godless shit beasts!
276
00:17:56,307 --> 00:17:58,832
Ahman leaves everything
to the last minute.
277
00:17:58,910 --> 00:18:01,708
Oh, shit!
278
00:18:01,779 --> 00:18:05,943
Ahmed double-checks the address of
the bombing site so there are no mistakes.
279
00:18:06,017 --> 00:18:08,076
Ahman doesn't.
280
00:18:10,154 --> 00:18:11,678
Oh, shit!
281
00:18:11,756 --> 00:18:13,815
Ahmed dresses properly for work...
282
00:18:13,891 --> 00:18:17,349
wearing clothing that is loose
enough to hide his explosives.
283
00:18:17,428 --> 00:18:20,329
Ahman dresses inappropriately.
284
00:18:21,632 --> 00:18:23,031
Ooh.
285
00:18:23,101 --> 00:18:25,035
And don't forget, as a martyr...
286
00:18:25,103 --> 00:18:30,234
you'll receive eternal life in paradise
for you and 100 of your relatives.
287
00:18:30,308 --> 00:18:33,744
You'll be blessed with
unlimited sex from 72 virgins-
288
00:18:33,811 --> 00:18:38,874
- Awesome.
- Thirty-five U.S. dollars and a bunch more weed.
289
00:18:38,950 --> 00:18:42,613
- Awesome.
- So welcome to the Al-Q'Utaya terrorist team...
290
00:18:42,687 --> 00:18:45,212
where work is truly a blast.
291
00:18:50,661 --> 00:18:53,323
Oh, shit!
292
00:18:56,200 --> 00:18:59,567
Death to godless shit beasts!
293
00:19:01,639 --> 00:19:04,437
- I'm gonna call Sarah.
- Yeah.
294
00:19:04,509 --> 00:19:07,410
- Hey, guys. How's it going?
- What took you so long?
295
00:19:07,478 --> 00:19:10,208
I was playing Suicide Bomber.
Have you heard from Tim tonight?
296
00:19:10,281 --> 00:19:12,875
- No.
- No? That's weird.
297
00:19:12,950 --> 00:19:15,783
I was gonna call Sarah.
298
00:19:15,853 --> 00:19:20,756
Yeah, yeah! What's up, playas?
299
00:19:20,825 --> 00:19:24,283
Lake Shore Bluff represent! Yeah!
300
00:19:24,362 --> 00:19:26,353
Show some love, fool!
301
00:19:28,399 --> 00:19:30,594
Hey, Tim.
302
00:19:30,668 --> 00:19:33,535
Damn! LittleJ...
303
00:19:36,340 --> 00:19:39,241
you are lookin' mad fly, boo.
304
00:19:40,678 --> 00:19:44,079
- You feel me?
- Sure, Tim.
305
00:19:44,148 --> 00:19:48,346
I just bounced from this
mad, crazy, ill party, dude.
306
00:19:48,419 --> 00:19:52,219
I was hangin' out with these niggas
over in Pleasant Oaks and shit.
307
00:19:52,290 --> 00:19:55,123
You were hanging out
with real black people?
308
00:19:56,661 --> 00:20:00,757
No, but they was blastin'
some crazy, phat beats, son!
309
00:20:00,832 --> 00:20:03,699
They was pourin' out some Cristal...
310
00:20:03,768 --> 00:20:07,363
breakin' off some endo smoke.
311
00:20:07,438 --> 00:20:10,202
You know what I'm sayin'?
Just wildin' out!
312
00:20:12,910 --> 00:20:16,676
- Yeah.
- Yo, I'm gonna score me a bag of Doritos.
313
00:20:16,747 --> 00:20:19,648
Y'all straight?
Yeah? All right.
314
00:20:19,717 --> 00:20:22,845
Code Two. Code Two.
Intersection of 12th and Grand.
315
00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:25,184
We have visual confirmation
on the suspect.
316
00:20:27,725 --> 00:20:29,920
- This is Unit One.
- Hit it.
317
00:20:29,994 --> 00:20:31,928
All possible units, please respond.
318
00:20:35,433 --> 00:20:38,732
And this booty that was like-
319
00:20:42,273 --> 00:20:45,674
Yo, what the fuck is this?
320
00:20:45,743 --> 00:20:48,837
- What's going on, Officers?
- The yarn store down the road was just held up...
321
00:20:48,913 --> 00:20:52,440
by a young black male
fitting your friend's description.
322
00:20:52,517 --> 00:20:54,849
What?
323
00:20:54,919 --> 00:20:57,547
What are you- What are you
talking about? It-It wasn't me.
324
00:20:57,622 --> 00:20:59,556
- No, it's not you?
- No.
325
00:20:59,624 --> 00:21:03,287
Hey, Frank, you see any other young
black males here in Lake Shore Bluff?
326
00:21:03,361 --> 00:21:05,921
- Don't see any.
- What?
327
00:21:05,997 --> 00:21:09,763
- In the car, darky.
- But I'm- I'm not black.
328
00:21:09,834 --> 00:21:11,927
I'm white.
My whole family's white.
329
00:21:12,003 --> 00:21:14,767
My dad's Irish.
My mom's Norwegian.
330
00:21:14,839 --> 00:21:18,775
We go to the Fourth Avenue Lutheran Church
where I help with the bake sale every Sunday.
331
00:21:18,843 --> 00:21:20,936
Settle down back there, chocolate!
332
00:21:23,181 --> 00:21:26,548
Let's stand right over here.
Don't worry about anything.
333
00:21:26,617 --> 00:21:28,551
Nobody can see you.
334
00:21:28,619 --> 00:21:31,747
Now, I just want you to point
to the perpetrator for me.
335
00:21:33,824 --> 00:21:38,523
Him. That... Negro.
336
00:21:38,596 --> 00:21:40,587
Okay, thanks.
We can go.
337
00:21:47,338 --> 00:21:50,000
This is Dana Dobbs here
at Lake Shore Bluff...
338
00:21:50,074 --> 00:21:55,637
where any second now we'll hear
the verdict in the Timothy Shanahan case.
339
00:21:55,713 --> 00:21:58,807
Will the defendant please rise?
340
00:22:01,919 --> 00:22:05,082
Ladies and gentleman,
have you reached a verdict?
341
00:22:05,156 --> 00:22:08,023
Yes, we have, Your Honor.
We, the jury...
342
00:22:08,092 --> 00:22:10,253
find the Negro... guilty.
343
00:22:10,328 --> 00:22:14,264
There you have it. The Negro is guilty.
344
00:22:17,168 --> 00:22:22,367
- Welcome to
Focus on Film with Kenneth Garber.
345
00:22:22,440 --> 00:22:25,170
Hello. We are now a good
way through the film...
346
00:22:25,243 --> 00:22:29,009
so we thought it would be a good time
to get some perspective on it.
347
00:22:29,080 --> 00:22:32,049
And joining us to provide just that...
348
00:22:32,116 --> 00:22:35,085
are Nicholas Van Essen
and Raymond Marcus.
349
00:22:35,152 --> 00:22:39,452
Offer us, if you will, your take on
how the film is doing thus far.
350
00:22:39,523 --> 00:22:43,721
I'll have to say, Kenneth,
that I am very impressed.
351
00:22:43,794 --> 00:22:47,230
Sketch after sketch,
we're being treated to...
352
00:22:47,298 --> 00:22:51,234
a brilliantly biting skewering
of contemporary social mores.
353
00:22:51,302 --> 00:22:53,361
Well, Raymond, what do you think?
354
00:22:53,437 --> 00:22:55,997
- I must strenuously disagree.
- Ah.
355
00:22:56,073 --> 00:23:01,067
This is nothing but vulgar, low-brow,
potty humor thinly disguised as satire.
356
00:23:01,145 --> 00:23:05,479
It saddens me that the Onion has stooped
to this lowest common denominator...
357
00:23:05,549 --> 00:23:07,517
pandering to the masses.
358
00:23:07,585 --> 00:23:10,383
Well, now for a third opinion...
359
00:23:10,454 --> 00:23:12,388
let's go straight to the source.
360
00:23:12,456 --> 00:23:16,358
We have with us here
in the studio a very special guest.
361
00:23:16,427 --> 00:23:18,361
Welcome, Masses.
362
00:23:20,831 --> 00:23:23,391
So, what do you think of the film?
363
00:23:23,467 --> 00:23:25,765
It's pretty cool so far, I guess.
364
00:23:25,836 --> 00:23:29,203
That Cockpuncher dude is awesome.
Bam! Right in the balls.
365
00:23:29,273 --> 00:23:34,438
But this part, with these film-expert assholes-
366
00:23:34,512 --> 00:23:38,881
I mean, why do you even have these two
gaywads in the movie for anyways?
367
00:23:38,949 --> 00:23:40,780
Fags!
368
00:23:40,851 --> 00:23:44,150
Lose 'em and let's get on
with the movie, dude.
369
00:23:44,221 --> 00:23:47,713
Gentlemen, experience the majestic splendor...
370
00:23:47,792 --> 00:23:51,455
of a cruise aboard the luxurious
Queen Nathan II.
371
00:23:51,529 --> 00:23:55,693
On the Queen Nathan, there's so much
for today's gay man to enjoy-
372
00:23:55,766 --> 00:23:59,600
shuffleboard, exquisite cuisine...
373
00:23:59,670 --> 00:24:01,695
monster cocks.
374
00:24:01,772 --> 00:24:03,899
Grab a pole and go deep-sea fishing.
375
00:24:03,974 --> 00:24:07,068
Work those muscles
in our shipboard gym.
376
00:24:07,144 --> 00:24:09,544
Enjoy our world-class spa.
377
00:24:09,613 --> 00:24:12,639
Or take a thrilling
Las Vegas-style revue.
378
00:24:12,717 --> 00:24:15,811
Yes, whether you want
to scuba dive, get blown...
379
00:24:15,886 --> 00:24:18,878
or play blackjack
in our glamorous casino...
380
00:24:18,956 --> 00:24:20,947
the Queen Nathan II's
got what you're looking for.
381
00:24:21,025 --> 00:24:24,893
So climb aboard the Queen Nathan II.
382
00:24:24,962 --> 00:24:29,490
And now it's time
for Little-Known Racial Stereotypes.
383
00:24:29,567 --> 00:24:32,764
Yes, everyone knows that
Italians are all mobsters...
384
00:24:32,837 --> 00:24:35,101
and Native Americans are all drunks.
385
00:24:35,172 --> 00:24:39,199
But did you know
that blacks love taffy?
386
00:24:39,276 --> 00:24:43,303
It's also true that Eskimos
run all the locksmith shops...
387
00:24:43,381 --> 00:24:46,544
the Irish have enormous nipples...
388
00:24:46,617 --> 00:24:50,713
and Puerto Ricans can dangle
from steel beams for hours at a time.
389
00:24:50,788 --> 00:24:53,086
Damn, that's unbelievable.
390
00:24:53,157 --> 00:24:55,489
- How does he do that?
- Oh, he's a Puerto Rican.
391
00:24:55,559 --> 00:24:57,493
- Also...
- Y'ello?
392
00:24:57,561 --> 00:25:00,086
did you know that the Dutch
enjoy speaking with telemarketers?
393
00:25:00,164 --> 00:25:04,430
Visa? With a special
credit card offer?
394
00:25:04,502 --> 00:25:09,303
Peruvians love to swoop in
and save the day at the last minute.
395
00:25:09,373 --> 00:25:12,240
And they can shoot laser beams
out of their eyes.
396
00:25:12,309 --> 00:25:16,143
And, of course,
all Arabs are terrorists.
397
00:25:16,213 --> 00:25:20,013
Ah, stereotypes. Can you imagine
a world without them?
398
00:25:28,926 --> 00:25:32,054
Okay, that must be our final player.
399
00:25:37,201 --> 00:25:39,135
- Hi, Julie!
- Hi.
400
00:25:39,203 --> 00:25:41,467
- Welcome.
- Oh, your house is so lovely.
401
00:25:41,539 --> 00:25:44,030
Oh, thank you!
Come on in.
402
00:25:44,108 --> 00:25:47,043
- Everybody, this is Julie.
- Hi.
403
00:25:47,111 --> 00:25:49,511
- Pretty cute, huh?
- Hi, Julie.
404
00:25:49,580 --> 00:25:52,413
Have a seat. So, I understand this
is your first whodunit party?
405
00:25:52,483 --> 00:25:54,542
Ah, you are gonna
have so much fun! Okay!
406
00:25:54,618 --> 00:25:58,554
With any luck, by the end of the night
we'll figure out which one of us did the dirty deed.
407
00:25:58,622 --> 00:26:03,184
Any one of us could be the rapist!
408
00:26:03,260 --> 00:26:07,663
- I'm sorry. Did you say "rapist?"
- Yeah. Yeah, I did.
409
00:26:07,731 --> 00:26:12,293
Don't these things usually
revolve around, um, a murder?
410
00:26:12,369 --> 00:26:15,236
Yeah, Julie, see,
we do this every few months...
411
00:26:15,306 --> 00:26:19,606
and frankly, we were getting
a little bored with murder.
412
00:26:19,677 --> 00:26:22,578
So I was like, " Isn't there some other
violent crime we can reenact?"
413
00:26:22,646 --> 00:26:26,013
And I'm in the store the other day...
and I find this.
414
00:26:27,785 --> 00:26:31,585
How fantastic is that?
415
00:26:31,655 --> 00:26:35,955
So, anyway, Julie,
since you are new, luckyJulie...
416
00:26:36,026 --> 00:26:40,395
you get to be the victim.
417
00:26:40,464 --> 00:26:42,591
Okay?
418
00:26:42,666 --> 00:26:45,726
- Ooh.
- So, I want you to put this on. Hop up.
419
00:26:45,803 --> 00:26:48,067
Okay, so here's what's gonna happen.
420
00:26:48,138 --> 00:26:52,165
The lights are gonna go out.
So, you lie down on the floor.
421
00:26:52,243 --> 00:26:56,771
We're all gonna come running in, but you're
gonna be unconscious, so you stay down there.
422
00:26:56,847 --> 00:26:59,975
Don't you think this is a little... sick?
423
00:27:00,050 --> 00:27:03,918
Oh, sweetie, it's all in fun.
No one's actually raping anyone.
424
00:27:06,056 --> 00:27:08,991
I mean, you wouldn't have a problem with
a murder-mystery game now, would you?
425
00:27:09,059 --> 00:27:12,392
- I guess not.
- Yeah, so why would you object to a game...
426
00:27:12,463 --> 00:27:16,399
revolving around a lesser crime
where no one even loses their life?
427
00:27:16,467 --> 00:27:18,401
- Well, it's just different.
- Oh, "it's just, it's just"!
428
00:27:18,469 --> 00:27:21,734
Come on, guys.
Let's play the game.
429
00:27:21,805 --> 00:27:24,603
Get your cards. Okay?
430
00:27:27,077 --> 00:27:29,307
CD in here.
You got that on, sweetie?
431
00:27:29,380 --> 00:27:31,644
Okay, get down on the floor.
Get down on the floor.
432
00:27:31,715 --> 00:27:33,842
Ready for a rapin'?
433
00:27:36,587 --> 00:27:40,318
Oh, no, please don't rape me.
434
00:27:40,391 --> 00:27:44,293
- Shut up, you bitch!
- No, no, please, Mr. Raper Man.
435
00:27:44,361 --> 00:27:46,556
- Shut the fuck up!
- What are you doing?
436
00:27:46,630 --> 00:27:48,564
Shut up, bitch!
437
00:27:48,632 --> 00:27:51,123
- Oh, no!
- Shut up!
438
00:27:56,740 --> 00:27:58,708
Wow.
439
00:27:58,776 --> 00:28:02,974
" Oh, no. The sweet, innocent,
young daughter of Mayor Lewis has been raped.
440
00:28:03,047 --> 00:28:06,608
Lock the door. No one is leaving
until we figure out who did it."
441
00:28:06,684 --> 00:28:08,618
- Nice accent.
- Thanks, man.
442
00:28:08,686 --> 00:28:11,655
Who committed this rape? Hmm?
443
00:28:11,722 --> 00:28:14,213
Was it... the creepy uncle?
444
00:28:16,226 --> 00:28:19,059
The handsome, young Ivy League
fraternity brother...
445
00:28:19,129 --> 00:28:22,155
who's used to getting what
and who he wants?
446
00:28:24,301 --> 00:28:26,861
Um, the prisoner
just released on parole? That's me.
447
00:28:26,937 --> 00:28:30,873
Or the vaguely hermaphroditic
night nurse...
448
00:28:30,941 --> 00:28:32,909
from the senior center
just down the block?
449
00:28:32,977 --> 00:28:37,812
Ooh, he's so creepy!
Okay, come on. Let's play! Let's play!
450
00:28:37,881 --> 00:28:40,714
"I was with my wife.
451
00:28:40,784 --> 00:28:44,618
"Besides, that bitch has been
making up stories since she was four.
452
00:28:44,688 --> 00:28:47,350
You can't believe anything she says!"
453
00:28:47,424 --> 00:28:50,518
"I have 22 fraternity brothers
who will vouch that I was with them."
454
00:28:52,496 --> 00:28:56,023
Oh, I bet you do.
Okay, time to spin.
455
00:28:56,100 --> 00:28:59,433
Whoa, Julie, I know this
is your first time...
456
00:28:59,503 --> 00:29:02,563
- but you're not acting very raped.
- Okay.
457
00:29:02,640 --> 00:29:06,041
Oh, no, no, Julie, you can't stand up.
You've just been raped.
458
00:29:06,110 --> 00:29:08,943
The rapist shattered
your pelvis with a baseball bat.
459
00:29:11,015 --> 00:29:12,949
Um, I'm leaving.
460
00:29:13,017 --> 00:29:15,781
Wha-What?
Where are you going?
461
00:29:15,853 --> 00:29:19,880
Ju- Come-Julie, wh-
462
00:29:21,191 --> 00:29:23,182
Now what?
463
00:29:25,362 --> 00:29:29,128
I guess you guys are just gonna have to rape me.
464
00:29:29,199 --> 00:29:32,293
Oh, no, please don't rape me.
465
00:29:35,539 --> 00:29:39,635
Taffy?
God! Fucking blacks!
466
00:29:43,781 --> 00:29:47,080
The nation's anti-tobacco lobby
won another victory today...
467
00:29:47,151 --> 00:29:51,645
when Congress passed legislation
restricting smoking within U.S. borders...
468
00:29:51,722 --> 00:29:54,088
to a single room in Iowa.
469
00:29:54,158 --> 00:29:56,820
- Traffic was backed up from
Nevada all the way to lowa...
470
00:29:56,894 --> 00:29:59,294
as smokers tried to get to the lounge.
471
00:29:59,363 --> 00:30:02,662
Move the car,
you old, fucking bitch!
472
00:30:02,733 --> 00:30:05,634
Smokers from across the country
are making the long journey...
473
00:30:05,703 --> 00:30:09,799
to the 10-by-10 smoker's lounge
in Des Moines, Iowa.
474
00:30:09,873 --> 00:30:13,741
I drove all the way from San Francisco
just to sneak a smoke in on my lunch break.
475
00:30:13,811 --> 00:30:16,678
I'm supposed to be back
at work in 10 minutes.
476
00:30:16,747 --> 00:30:20,342
It's a 37-hour drive.
It's fuckin' bullshit!
477
00:30:20,417 --> 00:30:24,478
In legal news, a judge has declared
local aerobics instructor...
478
00:30:24,555 --> 00:30:29,822
and accused murderer, Jennifer Porter,
too fit to stand trial.
479
00:30:29,893 --> 00:30:32,726
Judge Edward Conlin
said that the suspect...
480
00:30:32,796 --> 00:30:35,856
with her washboard abs
and powerful leg muscles...
481
00:30:35,933 --> 00:30:38,527
is of too sound body...
482
00:30:38,602 --> 00:30:41,969
to be tried for the killing
of her ex-lover.
483
00:30:44,341 --> 00:30:47,105
According to a new medical study...
484
00:30:47,177 --> 00:30:50,510
depression hits losers hardest.
485
00:30:50,581 --> 00:30:53,880
The study found that extreme,
debilitating depression...
486
00:30:53,951 --> 00:30:57,284
most commonly afflicts
those who are total screw-ups...
487
00:30:57,354 --> 00:30:59,618
who can't do anything right.
488
00:31:06,096 --> 00:31:08,030
Are you ready?
489
00:31:09,099 --> 00:31:11,499
Oooh.
490
00:31:11,568 --> 00:31:16,028
# Baby, when we kiss
my heart just skips a beat #
491
00:31:16,106 --> 00:31:20,839
#And when you hold my hand
Oh, I can hardly speak #
492
00:31:20,911 --> 00:31:26,008
# But there's one kind of lovin'
that we can't do face to face #
493
00:31:26,083 --> 00:31:31,749
# So let me give you some affection
just below your waist #
494
00:31:31,822 --> 00:31:34,950
- I like that.
- # Oh, yeah, I'm down on my knees for you #
495
00:31:35,025 --> 00:31:39,018
# I'm beggin' please, please for you #
496
00:31:39,096 --> 00:31:43,829
# Oh, got so much love
I need to show it #
497
00:31:43,901 --> 00:31:47,428
# It's a big job
Don't wanna blow it #
498
00:31:47,504 --> 00:31:50,667
# Oh, yeah
Oh, yeah #
499
00:31:50,741 --> 00:31:53,733
# Oh #
500
00:31:55,579 --> 00:31:57,740
# Baby
Down on my knees #
501
00:31:57,815 --> 00:31:59,749
# Beggin' please, please ##
502
00:31:59,817 --> 00:32:02,615
From Global Tetrahedron Pictures,
Steven Seagal is-
503
00:32:02,686 --> 00:32:07,055
Hey, welcome to Volt Village. My name's Dirk.
What can I help you find today?
504
00:32:07,124 --> 00:32:09,524
Hey, Dirk.
Um, my computer...
505
00:32:09,593 --> 00:32:12,790
it's a few years old,
and I feel like I'm ready for a new one.
506
00:32:12,863 --> 00:32:15,855
I got just the thing.
507
00:32:15,933 --> 00:32:19,664
The Bates 4000.
Absolute cutting-edge.
508
00:32:19,736 --> 00:32:22,466
These babies came in on Tuesday.
They're packed, man.
509
00:32:22,539 --> 00:32:24,837
Eighty "G's" of RAM.
510
00:32:24,908 --> 00:32:27,900
We're talking
a quad-port 900 processor...
511
00:32:27,978 --> 00:32:30,674
D.V.K. compatible memory card...
512
00:32:30,747 --> 00:32:32,681
dual-burning DVD drives...
513
00:32:32,749 --> 00:32:35,912
plus a 16,000 C.T.C. combo-drive...
514
00:32:35,986 --> 00:32:38,716
with a plus-four digital
upgrade card.
515
00:32:38,789 --> 00:32:41,724
This will knock the shit
out of your ass.
516
00:32:43,427 --> 00:32:47,090
Well, I'm just looking for your basic,
simple home computer.
517
00:32:47,164 --> 00:32:51,294
I know, your wife has you
by the purse strings. But you know what?
518
00:32:51,368 --> 00:32:53,996
This is the Bates 4000.
It doesn't get any better than this.
519
00:32:54,071 --> 00:32:56,665
It's not going anywhere.
This is the future.
520
00:32:56,740 --> 00:32:59,504
Well, I have the Bates 1000
and that worked-
521
00:32:59,576 --> 00:33:01,942
Oh, excuse me.
You have the Bates 1000.
522
00:33:02,012 --> 00:33:05,675
Oh, that's great!
Fuck, man, wow!
523
00:33:05,749 --> 00:33:09,344
Maybe you should talk to a homeless woman
outside 'cause maybe she'll be impressed.
524
00:33:09,419 --> 00:33:11,512
Those things are barbaric.
525
00:33:11,588 --> 00:33:14,523
I mean, last time I checked,
they didn't even have a delete key on it.
526
00:33:14,591 --> 00:33:19,426
I'm joking, of course. But look,
this is the future. You get my point?
527
00:33:19,496 --> 00:33:22,659
- Yeah.
- Okay? Let's write you up.
528
00:33:22,733 --> 00:33:26,294
- All right, let's do it.
- All right, my friend.
529
00:33:30,741 --> 00:33:33,904
Wow, honey. Are you sure
we needed such a fancy one?
530
00:33:33,977 --> 00:33:36,741
You kidding? This thing's got
a quad-port 900 processor...
531
00:33:36,813 --> 00:33:39,714
and a 16,000
C.T.D. combo-drive with-
532
00:33:39,783 --> 00:33:43,844
Dude, you're not still using
the Bates 4000, are you?
533
00:33:43,921 --> 00:33:46,048
That thing's ancient.
534
00:33:46,123 --> 00:33:48,353
- Really?
- Really.
535
00:33:48,425 --> 00:33:53,829
You got to get you one of these:
the Bates 5000.
536
00:33:53,897 --> 00:33:55,990
Absolute cutting-edge.
537
00:33:56,066 --> 00:33:59,558
Wow, that is newer.
Thanks.
538
00:34:01,705 --> 00:34:03,570
The new Bates 5000.
539
00:34:03,640 --> 00:34:07,167
Throw your 4000 away.
It's a piece of shit.
540
00:34:17,621 --> 00:34:20,749
This is Hard Drive Hal, your computer expert.
541
00:34:20,824 --> 00:34:24,282
My guest today
is Bates C.E.O. Gil Bates.
542
00:34:24,361 --> 00:34:27,990
Now, he's here to talk about perhaps
the most powerful machine ever built:
543
00:34:28,065 --> 00:34:31,694
the Bates 6000,
and it's available in stores right now.
544
00:34:34,838 --> 00:34:37,671
Asshole!
545
00:34:44,648 --> 00:34:47,082
Hey, I just dropped off
a shipment of the Bates 7000s.
546
00:34:47,150 --> 00:34:49,778
Now, what do you want me
to do with the leftover 6000s?
547
00:34:49,853 --> 00:34:54,085
6000s? Throw 'em in the fucking
garbage where they belong.
548
00:34:57,160 --> 00:35:00,960
That's right. Twice the memory
capacity of the 8000.
549
00:35:01,031 --> 00:35:04,091
Mr. Bates, you have a visitor.
- Hang on. Come in.
550
00:35:04,167 --> 00:35:06,931
Hi.
551
00:35:07,004 --> 00:35:11,600
Bates was 42.
552
00:35:11,675 --> 00:35:15,406
In other news, after a six-month
stint at the Betty King Clinic...
553
00:35:15,479 --> 00:35:18,471
actor Bryce Brand
finally returned home today.
554
00:35:18,548 --> 00:35:23,042
That's right, Norm. I'm here outside superstar
Bryce Brand's Hollywood Hills mansion...
555
00:35:23,120 --> 00:35:28,080
where, at any moment, he's due to return
from his stay at the Betty King Clinic.
556
00:35:28,158 --> 00:35:30,422
Bryce!
557
00:35:34,297 --> 00:35:36,663
Bobby, baby!
558
00:35:36,733 --> 00:35:39,293
- Bryce.
- Bobby, baby!
559
00:35:39,369 --> 00:35:42,930
Bobby, baby!
560
00:35:43,006 --> 00:35:45,998
- I'm back!
- You look great.
561
00:35:46,076 --> 00:35:50,410
I cannot tell you how good I feel
now that I'm off the drugs...
562
00:35:50,480 --> 00:35:52,573
and high on life.
563
00:35:52,649 --> 00:35:54,776
Hey, that's what they're saying.
564
00:35:55,852 --> 00:36:01,518
Oh, man, was I a mess.
565
00:36:01,591 --> 00:36:05,254
But all that's changed now
that I'm clean and sober.
566
00:36:05,328 --> 00:36:10,561
You know, I never knew how amazing
life can be without the haze of drugs.
567
00:36:10,634 --> 00:36:14,866
It's just the little things, like...
568
00:36:14,938 --> 00:36:17,736
smelling the flowers-
569
00:36:20,243 --> 00:36:24,771
Or watching the sunset,
or just walking along the beach.
570
00:36:24,848 --> 00:36:29,376
You know, these things get me
way higher than drugs ever could.
571
00:36:29,453 --> 00:36:31,717
That's great, um, Bryce.
572
00:36:31,788 --> 00:36:35,622
So, we have got a lot of
catching up to do with your career.
573
00:36:35,692 --> 00:36:38,126
Now I brought a script. It is fantastic.
574
00:36:38,195 --> 00:36:40,823
Actually, your part is comedic.
Uh, sort of a wise-cracking-
575
00:36:40,897 --> 00:36:43,229
Bob, this chamomile is so amazing.
576
00:36:43,300 --> 00:36:46,861
It is blowing my mind, man.
Smell this.
577
00:36:46,937 --> 00:36:49,201
No. Thank you, though.
578
00:36:49,272 --> 00:36:52,469
Um, back to the script.
Again, it took a lot to get this-
579
00:36:52,542 --> 00:36:54,874
Bob, one thing sobriety
has taught me...
580
00:36:54,945 --> 00:36:59,075
is that you have to take time out
to enjoy life's little pleasures.
581
00:36:59,149 --> 00:37:02,141
Can you put the tea down for a sec?
582
00:37:03,753 --> 00:37:06,916
- Bryce?
- Oh, my God.
583
00:37:06,990 --> 00:37:09,322
- Bryce.
- Oh, my God.
584
00:37:13,396 --> 00:37:16,263
The nation's rapidly growing
prison population...
585
00:37:16,333 --> 00:37:19,097
which recently passed
the 20 million mark...
586
00:37:19,169 --> 00:37:21,865
has created
a severe overcrowding problem.
587
00:37:21,938 --> 00:37:24,372
In an attempt to alleviate
the overcrowding...
588
00:37:24,441 --> 00:37:27,968
the government announced today
that a random selection of U.S. households...
589
00:37:28,044 --> 00:37:31,036
will be asked to take prisoners
into their homes.
590
00:37:35,719 --> 00:37:39,553
Hi. Uh, I'm Dick.
591
00:37:41,158 --> 00:37:43,092
This-This is my wife, Sarah.
592
00:37:43,160 --> 00:37:44,957
This is our daughter, Allie.
593
00:37:45,028 --> 00:37:48,657
And this is our son, Bobby. He's 10.
594
00:37:48,732 --> 00:37:51,633
Welcome to our home.
595
00:37:51,701 --> 00:37:53,635
'Sup.
596
00:37:56,907 --> 00:37:59,307
Don't drop this shit on me, bitch!
597
00:37:59,376 --> 00:38:04,370
What the fuck are you doing? Don't just
stand there! Get your man something to drink!
598
00:38:10,720 --> 00:38:13,746
Damn, it's good to see some women.
599
00:38:13,823 --> 00:38:15,757
Mm-mm-mm.
600
00:38:15,825 --> 00:38:19,989
Mr. Prisoner, my tattoo hurts.
601
00:38:20,063 --> 00:38:22,463
Lights out, guys.
602
00:38:24,467 --> 00:38:27,129
If successful,
another 20,000 prisoners...
603
00:38:27,204 --> 00:38:31,504
will be moved to suburban homes
by the first of next month.
604
00:38:35,212 --> 00:38:38,272
Hello and welcome once again
to Focus on Film.
605
00:38:38,348 --> 00:38:40,282
I'm Kenneth Garber.
606
00:38:40,350 --> 00:38:43,080
And I'm joined by Kwame Roberts...
607
00:38:43,153 --> 00:38:46,122
president of the National Coalition
of African Americans...
608
00:38:46,189 --> 00:38:51,149
and James Nakatami, director of
the Asian American Alliance for Equality.
609
00:38:51,228 --> 00:38:53,719
Mr. Roberts, let's start with you.
610
00:38:53,797 --> 00:38:59,133
Your organization is not pleased with
this film's depiction of African Americans.
611
00:38:59,202 --> 00:39:02,069
Oh, that is absolutely correct, Kenneth.
612
00:39:02,138 --> 00:39:04,436
We are just about halfway
through the film...
613
00:39:04,507 --> 00:39:08,170
and we've yet to see a dignified
portrayal of a person of color.
614
00:39:08,245 --> 00:39:12,682
So far, we've only been shown
as vicious criminals or sex fiends.
615
00:39:12,749 --> 00:39:14,717
Just take a look at that last sketch.
616
00:39:14,784 --> 00:39:17,116
So, what specifically
is your group demanding?
617
00:39:17,187 --> 00:39:21,214
The filmmakers put a positive black role model
on that screen in the next 10 minutes...
618
00:39:21,291 --> 00:39:25,921
or we will be organizing a nationwide
walkout of black moviegoers.
619
00:39:25,996 --> 00:39:29,397
That means every single African American
currently watching this film...
620
00:39:29,466 --> 00:39:31,400
will exit the theater.
621
00:39:31,468 --> 00:39:33,732
Mr. Nakatami,
you are equally unhappy?
622
00:39:33,803 --> 00:39:36,465
Thus far, there are maybe one...
623
00:39:36,539 --> 00:39:40,498
or, at the most, two,
three Asian faces in the film.
624
00:39:40,577 --> 00:39:43,808
How do you feel about such
gross underrepresentation?
625
00:39:43,880 --> 00:39:46,781
Me no "rikey."
626
00:39:48,652 --> 00:39:50,244
Excuse me?
627
00:39:50,320 --> 00:39:52,652
Me no "rikey."
628
00:39:52,722 --> 00:39:56,658
And... back to the film.
629
00:39:56,893 --> 00:39:59,919
In legal news, local
18-year-old Joey Frankel...
630
00:39:59,996 --> 00:40:04,296
is suing for the right to be
sexually harassed in the workplace.
631
00:40:04,367 --> 00:40:07,962
Frankel, an employee
at Carl's Copy Shop in Phoenix...
632
00:40:08,038 --> 00:40:10,302
alleged that during
his three years there...
633
00:40:10,373 --> 00:40:15,436
not a single female coworker made
inappropriate sexual advances toward him...
634
00:40:15,512 --> 00:40:18,276
either verbal or physical.
635
00:40:19,516 --> 00:40:21,643
In other news, health officials
have confirmed...
636
00:40:21,718 --> 00:40:24,619
that a potentially deadly
airborne virus...
637
00:40:24,688 --> 00:40:27,248
has been spreading
across eastern Canada.
638
00:40:27,324 --> 00:40:31,055
And is now moving south towards the coast of-
639
00:40:42,205 --> 00:40:44,139
Hey, Norm.
640
00:40:49,612 --> 00:40:51,546
Hey, Norm.
Okay.
641
00:40:51,614 --> 00:40:54,845
- Oh, there goes Norm again.
- He looks pissed.
642
00:41:05,929 --> 00:41:08,261
Onion tip line.
What do you got?
643
00:41:11,668 --> 00:41:13,602
- All right. Listen to me.
- Hi, Norm.
644
00:41:13,670 --> 00:41:18,107
Our job isn't to advertise our parent company's
movie via goddamn penguin.
645
00:41:18,174 --> 00:41:21,575
Our job is to deliver
to the American people...
646
00:41:21,644 --> 00:41:24,807
fair, balanced, hard-hitting news.
647
00:41:24,881 --> 00:41:30,148
In this crazy world, the Onion may be
the only news source that people can truly trust.
648
00:41:30,220 --> 00:41:33,348
Look, don't be so naive, Norm.
This is a business.
649
00:41:35,992 --> 00:41:39,393
Listen, Norm. I know you're not
gonna want to hear this.
650
00:41:39,462 --> 00:41:41,453
But the suits at
Global Tetrahedron...
651
00:41:41,531 --> 00:41:45,365
want you to open up Friday's broadcast
with a slightly different lead story.
652
00:41:48,638 --> 00:41:51,801
But Friday is the day
Azmenistan gave Sloravia...
653
00:41:51,875 --> 00:41:54,867
as a deadline for pulling out
of the Uzbagiyak region.
654
00:41:54,944 --> 00:41:58,345
It's also the day that
Cockpuncher opens.
655
00:41:58,415 --> 00:42:02,511
I mean, this Azmenistani, uh, sloppy
ground thing is all well and good, right?
656
00:42:02,585 --> 00:42:05,076
But it's a million miles away.
Nobody gives a fuck about it.
657
00:42:05,155 --> 00:42:08,818
The more important news story
right now is Cockpuncher mania.
658
00:42:08,892 --> 00:42:11,053
It's sweeping the nation.
659
00:42:11,127 --> 00:42:13,994
And it better sweep
your newscast Friday.
660
00:42:15,865 --> 00:42:17,230
Take a putt?
661
00:42:18,401 --> 00:42:19,868
No?
662
00:42:29,779 --> 00:42:33,374
You owe me a pound,
you son of a bitch. I made that last one.
663
00:42:33,583 --> 00:42:36,245
From Global Tetrahedron Pictures...
664
00:42:36,319 --> 00:42:38,810
- Steven Seagal is-
- Awesome!
665
00:42:38,888 --> 00:42:43,222
Goddamn whorish corporate plugs.
666
00:42:45,995 --> 00:42:47,929
I'm a newsman, damn it.
667
00:42:47,997 --> 00:42:50,192
Oh!
668
00:42:53,770 --> 00:42:56,762
- Cockpuncher.
- I don't think you have the balls.
669
00:42:56,840 --> 00:43:00,435
Oh, I cannot wait for Friday.
670
00:43:04,314 --> 00:43:06,748
- Excuse me, sir.
- What can I get you?
671
00:43:06,816 --> 00:43:09,979
No, thank you. I don't drink,
or use drugs for that matter.
672
00:43:10,053 --> 00:43:14,012
No. I was just wondering if you could
give me directions to the local library.
673
00:43:14,090 --> 00:43:17,753
Um, two blocks down
and left on Second.
674
00:43:17,827 --> 00:43:21,194
Thank you very much.
You have a wonderful evening.
675
00:43:27,036 --> 00:43:29,766
Mm-hmm.
676
00:43:35,178 --> 00:43:37,612
Thank you.
You have a wonderful evening.
677
00:44:22,759 --> 00:44:26,422
Uh, help?
678
00:44:27,764 --> 00:44:30,995
Has your penis become stuck
in a library book return slot?
679
00:44:31,067 --> 00:44:34,628
Call Kostman's, the penis people.
680
00:44:34,704 --> 00:44:36,638
We've been the tri-county area's...
681
00:44:36,706 --> 00:44:38,970
penis retrieval
experts for 64 years.
682
00:44:39,042 --> 00:44:43,035
We'll get any penis
out of any slot for $39.95.
683
00:44:43,112 --> 00:44:45,342
That's my personal guarantee.
684
00:44:45,415 --> 00:44:49,374
So don't just sit there hoping that your penis
will somehow magically free itself.
685
00:44:50,453 --> 00:44:52,148
Call Kostman's.
686
00:44:52,221 --> 00:44:54,951
- Dave got my penis out.
- Dave got my penis out.
687
00:44:57,393 --> 00:44:59,657
Dave got my penis out.
688
00:44:59,729 --> 00:45:02,459
Dave got all our penises out!
689
00:45:02,532 --> 00:45:04,466
Kostman's, the penis people.
690
00:45:09,572 --> 00:45:11,506
This week's campaign is gonna rule.
691
00:45:11,574 --> 00:45:14,236
I can't wait for the assault
on castle Dragonflame.
692
00:45:14,310 --> 00:45:16,608
I know. It's gonna be
super totally awesome.
693
00:45:16,679 --> 00:45:21,207
I have a third-level elven cleric
I can't wait to pit against my foes.
694
00:45:21,284 --> 00:45:24,776
Well, uh, don't count on it being too awesome.
Look who just showed up.
695
00:45:27,590 --> 00:45:32,823
Well, what have we stumbled upon here?
696
00:45:32,895 --> 00:45:34,726
Oh, shit.
697
00:45:34,797 --> 00:45:37,391
Dare you challenge the might
of Proteus the Invincible?
698
00:45:40,336 --> 00:45:45,239
Ah, I see there are some beardless saplings
with us this afternoon...
699
00:45:45,308 --> 00:45:48,368
who have ne'er tasted my blade.
700
00:45:48,444 --> 00:45:50,344
This douche bag ruins everything.
701
00:45:50,413 --> 00:45:52,677
Prepare for total devastation.
702
00:45:54,984 --> 00:45:57,452
The magical wizardry,
expert chaos techniques...
703
00:45:57,520 --> 00:46:01,217
and incomparable equipment roster
of Proteus the Invincible...
704
00:46:01,290 --> 00:46:06,523
will make short work
of all pretenders to the throne.
705
00:46:16,873 --> 00:46:18,807
Okay, Lyle.
706
00:46:18,875 --> 00:46:23,107
How's about letting some of
the younger guys have a chance today?
707
00:46:23,179 --> 00:46:25,147
Okay?
708
00:46:25,214 --> 00:46:28,581
When it comes to Wizards and Warbeasts,
I expect no quarter.
709
00:46:28,651 --> 00:46:30,915
And none shall be given.
710
00:46:33,156 --> 00:46:35,090
All right.
711
00:46:44,801 --> 00:46:49,261
Now that I have readied my provisions
for the day's foray into the fairy realms...
712
00:46:51,774 --> 00:46:54,470
let the slaughter begin.
713
00:47:41,691 --> 00:47:44,660
None remain standing before me.
714
00:47:44,727 --> 00:47:49,187
All have fallen before
the might of my broadsword.
715
00:48:00,109 --> 00:48:04,910
Hope you're happy, Lyle. You just ruined
another Saturday for the whole gaming club.
716
00:48:04,981 --> 00:48:07,882
What care I for
the sniveling excuses of the weak?
717
00:48:07,950 --> 00:48:10,783
They shall bow before my wrath.
718
00:48:10,853 --> 00:48:15,813
In the realm of fantasy, only the strong
shall survive to conquer another day.
719
00:48:15,892 --> 00:48:18,383
Whatever.
720
00:48:24,467 --> 00:48:28,335
Alas, the day's adventuring
is now done...
721
00:48:28,404 --> 00:48:32,170
and I must take
the number two bus back home.
722
00:48:32,241 --> 00:48:37,235
If only I could live in
the world of fantasy forever...
723
00:48:37,313 --> 00:48:40,407
instead of being forced to
put up with this banal realm...
724
00:48:40,483 --> 00:48:43,145
and its silly, weak-minded mortals.
725
00:48:45,221 --> 00:48:50,284
Oh, how I wish I could live in
the realm of Wizards and Warbeasts...
726
00:48:50,359 --> 00:48:53,021
ruling the land as
a mighty conqueror...
727
00:48:53,095 --> 00:48:58,294
smiting orcs and ogres alike
with my trusty broadsword.
728
00:48:58,367 --> 00:49:03,100
Proteus the Invincible?
729
00:49:03,172 --> 00:49:07,700
- I have heard your plea.
- What?
730
00:49:07,777 --> 00:49:13,716
- Who-Who goes there?
- It is I, Gygax, demon of the Astral plane.
731
00:49:13,783 --> 00:49:17,810
Never before have I seen your equal
among the mortals that play this game.
732
00:49:17,887 --> 00:49:20,549
What's going on? Guys?
733
00:49:20,623 --> 00:49:23,888
I have chosen to grant your wish,
Proteus the Invincible.
734
00:49:25,094 --> 00:49:28,928
Come forth into the land of legends.
735
00:49:33,970 --> 00:49:36,302
God. Where am I?
736
00:49:38,374 --> 00:49:40,308
Ow!
737
00:50:01,264 --> 00:50:03,664
Oh, God. Where am I?
738
00:50:03,733 --> 00:50:06,998
Proteus.
739
00:50:11,908 --> 00:50:15,435
Prepare to piss thyself, human.
740
00:50:17,113 --> 00:50:20,514
No, no, no.
No. No. No. No. Please.
741
00:50:24,220 --> 00:50:26,984
Fucking geek.
742
00:50:27,056 --> 00:50:29,820
After last night's heartbreaking
loss in Los Angeles...
743
00:50:29,892 --> 00:50:34,488
basketball star Dashante Jackson
had harsh words for the lord.
744
00:50:34,563 --> 00:50:37,031
You know, I'd like to put
the blame on God tonight...
745
00:50:37,099 --> 00:50:41,661
for not blessing me with the talent to
hit the game-winnin' three-pointer tonight.
746
00:50:41,737 --> 00:50:45,833
You know, without him,
I would truly be goin' to the play-offs.
747
00:50:45,908 --> 00:50:48,308
Bitch, I don't know why
you do this shit to me!
748
00:50:51,213 --> 00:50:55,172
In news from our nation's capital,
a group of Alzheimer's disease sufferers...
749
00:50:55,251 --> 00:50:58,709
marched on Washington today
demanding a cure for pancakes.
750
00:51:02,625 --> 00:51:08,154
Until this teakettle is cured...
751
00:51:08,230 --> 00:51:12,758
there will never be enough
bread in the laundry!
752
00:51:12,835 --> 00:51:14,598
Ding-dong!
753
00:51:14,670 --> 00:51:17,104
Karate!
754
00:51:17,173 --> 00:51:19,368
Give 'em hell!
755
00:51:28,918 --> 00:51:31,352
Hi. I'm Michael Bolton.
756
00:51:31,420 --> 00:51:33,354
Did you know that all over
the world...
757
00:51:33,422 --> 00:51:36,186
there are millions of children
living in extreme poverty?
758
00:51:36,258 --> 00:51:40,354
For more than 40 years, the What About
the Children Foundation has been making...
759
00:51:40,429 --> 00:51:44,024
a difference in the lives of
kids throughout the third world.
760
00:51:44,100 --> 00:51:46,034
And so can you...
761
00:51:46,102 --> 00:51:48,627
by adopting a What About
the Children sponsor child.
762
00:51:48,704 --> 00:51:51,730
But don't take my word for it.
Take Dibo's.
763
00:51:51,807 --> 00:51:54,401
Hello. I am Dibo.
764
00:51:54,477 --> 00:51:57,446
- Come.
- Thanks to What About the Children...
765
00:51:57,513 --> 00:52:00,812
Dibo has seen his standard
of living soar well above the level...
766
00:52:00,883 --> 00:52:03,317
of his pathetic
poverty-stricken village.
767
00:52:03,386 --> 00:52:05,286
The What About The Children Foundation...
768
00:52:05,354 --> 00:52:07,652
is able to provide
a child like Dibo...
769
00:52:07,723 --> 00:52:10,715
with some of the little things
in life we so often take for granted.
770
00:52:10,793 --> 00:52:15,924
- Thanks, Jimmy.
- Like electricity, fresh water, indoor plumbing...
771
00:52:15,998 --> 00:52:18,330
a 42 inch plasma-screen television...
772
00:52:18,401 --> 00:52:21,131
the latest Sony PlayStation
video game...
773
00:52:21,203 --> 00:52:24,001
1,000 thread count
Egyptian-cotton sheets...
774
00:52:24,073 --> 00:52:26,405
a subscription to
the Wall StreetJournal...
775
00:52:26,475 --> 00:52:29,342
and selections from Marc Jacobs'
Men's Spring Collection.
776
00:52:34,417 --> 00:52:36,351
Get your own sponsor family!
777
00:52:40,689 --> 00:52:45,023
Thank goodness the McCormicks sent me
a security system to keep these animals out.
778
00:52:45,094 --> 00:52:49,030
Thank you, Dibo. It's stories like yours
that make it all worthwhile.
779
00:52:51,700 --> 00:52:56,228
In breaking news, we now join
Dana Dobbs in Lake Shore Bluff...
780
00:52:56,305 --> 00:53:00,435
where a verdict has just been handed down
in the Timothy Shanahan trial.
781
00:53:00,509 --> 00:53:03,205
Dana, what's the latest
on the situation?
782
00:53:03,279 --> 00:53:05,213
Well, Norm, as you can see...
783
00:53:05,281 --> 00:53:07,215
I'm here outside the First
District Federal Courthouse...
784
00:53:07,283 --> 00:53:11,982
where this angry mob of Negroes
is rioting over the guilty verdict...
785
00:53:12,054 --> 00:53:14,022
in the Timothy Shanahan case.
786
00:53:20,229 --> 00:53:22,697
We will keep you posted.
787
00:53:22,765 --> 00:53:25,029
- Thanks, Dana.
- Thank you, Norm.
788
00:53:25,101 --> 00:53:28,036
Those crazy Negroes.
789
00:53:28,104 --> 00:53:30,902
# Oh, when you love me right up front
You know that I don't mind #
790
00:53:30,973 --> 00:53:32,964
Enter.
791
00:53:33,042 --> 00:53:34,976
Pardon me, General.
Your meeting is about to start.
792
00:53:35,044 --> 00:53:36,978
- #Take me from behind #
- Yeah.
793
00:53:37,046 --> 00:53:42,211
So, as you can see, generals, Deathco
Amalgamated's M-47 "Jumpin' Johnny" land mine...
794
00:53:42,284 --> 00:53:48,245
earned a triple-A rating in field trials
and boasts a 98% kill-through ratio...
795
00:53:48,324 --> 00:53:52,420
making it the best land mine
for the government's dollar.
796
00:53:59,468 --> 00:54:01,902
Nah, we're gonna pass.
797
00:54:01,971 --> 00:54:03,905
Thanks anyway.
798
00:54:53,222 --> 00:54:55,156
Fuck!
799
00:54:56,392 --> 00:54:58,826
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
800
00:54:58,894 --> 00:55:03,854
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
801
00:55:03,933 --> 00:55:07,096
Fuck, fuck!
802
00:55:08,337 --> 00:55:10,464
You call yourself a salesman?
803
00:55:10,539 --> 00:55:14,771
We spent $400 billion of the company's money
developing these land mines for the military!
804
00:55:14,843 --> 00:55:17,437
You'd better find a way
to unload these things!
805
00:55:17,513 --> 00:55:20,038
Tired of backbreaking yard work?
806
00:55:20,115 --> 00:55:23,346
Then jump back for Jumpin' Johnny!
807
00:55:24,520 --> 00:55:27,148
Jumpin' Johnny
blasts weeds to pieces!
808
00:55:27,223 --> 00:55:29,020
Frags ragweed...
809
00:55:29,091 --> 00:55:31,252
crabgrass, dandelions...
810
00:55:31,327 --> 00:55:32,521
rabbits...
811
00:55:32,595 --> 00:55:33,926
raccoons...
812
00:55:33,996 --> 00:55:35,827
even elephants.
813
00:55:35,898 --> 00:55:38,332
So, what are you waiting for?
Get Jumpin' Johnny today!
814
00:55:41,904 --> 00:55:46,136
It's now time for our weekly
Inspirational Portrait.
815
00:55:47,142 --> 00:55:50,543
This week, the Brendan Laroux story.
816
00:55:50,613 --> 00:55:53,878
Brendan Laroux's story is one of dreams.
817
00:55:53,949 --> 00:55:57,112
As a young boy,
he wanted to become a dancer...
818
00:55:57,186 --> 00:55:59,950
but at the age of 12,
he lost his legs.
819
00:56:00,022 --> 00:56:02,354
Now, this would be a setback
for any youngster...
820
00:56:02,424 --> 00:56:06,292
but not Brendan, who set
his eyes on being a surgeon...
821
00:56:06,362 --> 00:56:09,763
until, at age 14,
he lost his wrists.
822
00:56:09,832 --> 00:56:14,064
Without my wrists, there was nothing
to keep my hands attached to my arms.
823
00:56:14,136 --> 00:56:18,869
So, even though my hands were fine,
l- I lost them too.
824
00:56:18,941 --> 00:56:23,503
Now, Brendan may not have had as many
hands and legs as the other boys...
825
00:56:23,579 --> 00:56:26,241
but there was one dream
he didn't let go of-
826
00:56:26,315 --> 00:56:28,249
becoming a professional
hockey player.
827
00:56:30,386 --> 00:56:33,253
At first, the other players
treated him fairly.
828
00:56:33,322 --> 00:56:37,315
But after seeing all the attention that
Brendan was getting, they became jealous.
829
00:56:37,393 --> 00:56:41,762
The special treatment stopped. Brendan
toughed it out in the minors for two brutal years.
830
00:56:41,830 --> 00:56:44,765
But it all paid off when
he finally got the call.
831
00:56:44,833 --> 00:56:49,202
The coach said,
"How would you like to be pro hockey's...
832
00:56:49,271 --> 00:56:53,298
first legless, handless player?"
833
00:56:53,375 --> 00:56:58,312
It was an inspiring night, full of inspiration.
834
00:56:58,380 --> 00:57:01,941
But then, two days later...
835
00:57:02,017 --> 00:57:05,077
Brendan found out that
his rib cage was backwards...
836
00:57:05,154 --> 00:57:09,614
leaving his spine exposed, and that
he needed a complete muscle transplant.
837
00:57:09,692 --> 00:57:12,525
The risky surgery lasted 720 hours.
838
00:57:12,594 --> 00:57:14,562
Brendan came back better than ever.
839
00:57:19,268 --> 00:57:23,102
Brendan persevered
and was selected M. V.P.
840
00:57:23,172 --> 00:57:28,542
Just when it seemed like the dark clouds
had finally passed, Brendan contracted scurvy...
841
00:57:28,610 --> 00:57:32,671
went bankrupt,
and his wife was eaten by wolves.
842
00:57:32,748 --> 00:57:35,546
He was also molested
by his Uncle Jerry.
843
00:57:35,617 --> 00:57:39,383
Today, Brendan's journey
has opened the door for many athletes...
844
00:57:39,455 --> 00:57:41,582
who never would have
been given a chance...
845
00:57:41,657 --> 00:57:46,185
if he hadn't broken down
pro sports' physical ability barrier.
846
00:57:46,261 --> 00:57:50,527
Athletes like Emma Heathcoat,
cerebral-palsy sufferer...
847
00:57:50,599 --> 00:57:53,227
and three-time national
equestrian champ.
848
00:57:56,071 --> 00:57:59,563
Blind stockcar driver,
Bobby Templeton.
849
00:58:05,147 --> 00:58:07,809
Deaf Olympic sprinter Craig Connors.
850
00:58:12,688 --> 00:58:16,852
Gil Sarinen, the world's first
professional comatose diver...
851
00:58:21,497 --> 00:58:25,194
and, of course, Chicago
shooting guard Herbie Cohn...
852
00:58:26,201 --> 00:58:28,965
who was born with Judaism.
853
00:58:37,980 --> 00:58:42,917
Yes, none of it would have
been possible without Brendan Laroux...
854
00:58:42,985 --> 00:58:46,477
a true Inspirational Portrait.
855
00:58:47,856 --> 00:58:50,381
In adult entertainment
industry news...
856
00:58:50,459 --> 00:58:53,553
the nation's porn stars
gathered today in Los Angeles...
857
00:58:53,629 --> 00:58:58,362
in a unified demand for stronger,
more intense sexual intercourse.
858
00:58:58,434 --> 00:59:00,197
Fuck me with your big cock!
859
00:59:00,269 --> 00:59:03,295
- Give it to me harder!
- Fuck me till I explode!
860
00:59:04,573 --> 00:59:09,306
Calling the tragedy a terrible,
unintentional mistake...
861
00:59:09,378 --> 00:59:12,643
the Los Angeles Police Department
issued an apology today...
862
00:59:12,714 --> 00:59:15,274
for the accidental shooting, clubbing...
863
00:59:15,350 --> 00:59:19,753
stabbing, firebombing, choking,
impaling, electrocution...
864
00:59:19,822 --> 00:59:23,349
and lethal-injection death
of an African-American man.
865
00:59:24,626 --> 00:59:27,220
I'm Kip Kendall reporting
for the Onion News.
866
00:59:27,296 --> 00:59:31,596
- As the conflict between Sloravia
and Azmenistan deepens...
867
00:59:31,667 --> 00:59:36,695
college campuses across this country
have become a hotbed of political activity.
868
00:59:36,772 --> 00:59:40,401
We're here in Santa Cruz, California today.
Let's listen in.
869
00:59:40,476 --> 00:59:43,934
Stop the violence.
870
00:59:44,012 --> 00:59:46,003
Stop the violence!
871
00:59:46,081 --> 00:59:49,209
Increase the peace!
872
00:59:50,819 --> 00:59:54,721
For the past three years,
Sloravia and Azmenistan...
873
00:59:54,790 --> 00:59:58,157
they've been locked in
a pointless and bloody war.
874
00:59:58,227 --> 01:00:02,027
Their cowardly leaders send
innocent young men into battle to die.
875
01:00:04,333 --> 01:00:06,733
Well, you know what?
876
01:00:06,802 --> 01:00:10,602
We need to put those leaders
in a room and let them fight it out!
877
01:00:14,209 --> 01:00:19,010
And you know what else? What these countries
need to do, what they need to do-
878
01:00:19,081 --> 01:00:22,881
- Th-They need to listen to
their women a little more.
879
01:00:22,951 --> 01:00:28,912
Because women create life,
while men, they destroy it.
880
01:00:30,259 --> 01:00:32,887
So, let's all stand up against
the corporate war machine...
881
01:00:32,961 --> 01:00:36,795
that only exists to do
the imperialist agenda...
882
01:00:36,865 --> 01:00:39,834
against the- the oppressed minority.
883
01:00:39,902 --> 01:00:41,836
Right?
884
01:00:45,007 --> 01:00:49,603
Love your brother! Peace! One love.
885
01:00:56,985 --> 01:00:59,078
- Excuse me, Chad.
- 'Sup?
886
01:00:59,154 --> 01:01:03,989
We're with the U.N.
And let me just say, we are very impressed.
887
01:01:04,059 --> 01:01:07,085
What you said up there
was dead on, Chad. Dead on.
888
01:01:07,162 --> 01:01:08,493
What?
889
01:01:08,564 --> 01:01:12,796
We want you to negotiate talks
between Sloravia and Azmenistan.
890
01:01:13,869 --> 01:01:15,860
Shut up, dude.
891
01:01:15,938 --> 01:01:19,430
We're convinced you are the man who can
finally bring peace to this troubled region.
892
01:01:20,842 --> 01:01:26,007
Will you do it, Chad?
Will you help us increase the peace?
893
01:01:28,884 --> 01:01:32,285
- Fuck, yeah! Fuck, yeah, dude. I'm in!
- Great.
894
01:01:32,354 --> 01:01:34,822
- Would you come with me, please?
- Yeah.
895
01:01:40,295 --> 01:01:43,458
Your systematic campaign of aggression...
896
01:01:43,532 --> 01:01:46,330
against my country is the reason-
897
01:01:46,401 --> 01:01:51,998
Our military operations are purely
in response to your violation of the treaty.
898
01:01:52,074 --> 01:01:54,838
- You are the one to violate the peace treaty!
- We?
899
01:02:00,048 --> 01:02:01,982
Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys.
900
01:02:02,050 --> 01:02:05,213
Guys, chill, chill.
Let's take a chill pill here.
901
01:02:09,224 --> 01:02:15,185
Don't you guys realize that war, no matter
how justified it may seem, it's not the answer.
902
01:02:16,932 --> 01:02:18,923
It's not?
903
01:02:20,202 --> 01:02:24,229
No, man.
Love is the answer.
904
01:02:28,343 --> 01:02:33,440
Now, let's get
this peace shit started.
905
01:02:41,923 --> 01:02:46,019
# A baby's born
Old man dies #
906
01:02:46,094 --> 01:02:50,030
# One child's laughing
while another child cries #
907
01:02:50,098 --> 01:02:55,365
# Seasons change
right before my eyes #
908
01:02:58,840 --> 01:03:03,038
# The sun comes up
The sun goes down #
909
01:03:03,111 --> 01:03:06,911
# The world takes another
little spin around #
910
01:03:06,982 --> 01:03:11,544
# The tide rolls out
The tide rolls in #
911
01:03:11,620 --> 01:03:16,523
# Life goes on
And on again ##
912
01:04:05,540 --> 01:04:07,735
In international news...
913
01:04:07,809 --> 01:04:11,472
the crisis between Sloravia and Azmenistan
deepened today...
914
01:04:11,546 --> 01:04:14,709
when the leaders of
the two rival nations-
915
01:04:27,696 --> 01:04:32,690
Tomorrow is the deadline for Sloravia
to pull out of the Uzbagiyak region.
916
01:04:32,768 --> 01:04:38,502
- If it's not our lead story,
consider it my resignation.
917
01:04:41,443 --> 01:04:43,377
Cockpuncher mania.
918
01:04:57,993 --> 01:04:59,927
Two minutes, Norm.
919
01:06:14,369 --> 01:06:18,237
And now, the Onion News,
America's finest news source.
920
01:06:18,306 --> 01:06:19,603
Honey, it's about to start.
921
01:06:19,674 --> 01:06:22,040
Featuring Dana Dobbs...
922
01:06:22,110 --> 01:06:24,601
senior correspondent, Kip Kendall...
923
01:06:24,679 --> 01:06:29,241
- and award-winning anchor, Norm Archer.
- Good evening.
924
01:06:38,159 --> 01:06:42,892
For the past 27 years,
I've sat at this desk...
925
01:06:42,964 --> 01:06:44,955
dedicating myself to one thing-
926
01:06:45,033 --> 01:06:48,662
delivering the news to you,
the American viewing public...
927
01:06:48,737 --> 01:06:52,537
in the most fair, balanced,
serious way possible.
928
01:06:52,607 --> 01:06:54,268
What's he doing?
929
01:06:54,342 --> 01:06:56,970
Well, things are changing
in the news game...
930
01:06:57,045 --> 01:06:59,843
and I've been under pressure
to change with them.
931
01:06:59,915 --> 01:07:04,716
The powers that be at this network
have done everything they can...
932
01:07:04,786 --> 01:07:06,879
to get me to compromise my values.
933
01:07:06,955 --> 01:07:08,718
So what do they want me to do?
934
01:07:08,790 --> 01:07:11,224
Plug our parent company's movies...
935
01:07:11,293 --> 01:07:14,319
and other products like
a two-bit network news whore.
936
01:07:14,396 --> 01:07:16,023
Motherfucker.
937
01:07:16,097 --> 01:07:21,558
Well, I've been giving this
whole ugly business a lot of thought...
938
01:07:21,636 --> 01:07:24,605
and just a few moments
before going on the air tonight...
939
01:07:24,673 --> 01:07:26,971
I finally came to a conclusion.
940
01:07:27,042 --> 01:07:30,068
And that conclusion is-
941
01:07:30,145 --> 01:07:33,672
Nobody move
or the anchor infidel dies!
942
01:07:35,550 --> 01:07:38,246
The Al-Q'Utaya
terrorist organization...
943
01:07:38,320 --> 01:07:41,756
officially declares war
on the decadent, immoral...
944
01:07:41,823 --> 01:07:44,485
United States of Satan.
945
01:07:44,559 --> 01:07:47,392
We shit on your country!
And piss also!
946
01:07:48,730 --> 01:07:52,598
That was good.
Tonight, on live television...
947
01:07:52,667 --> 01:07:58,105
the American people will watch
this great spreader of Western lies...
948
01:07:58,173 --> 01:08:01,006
get blown to pieces...
949
01:08:01,076 --> 01:08:06,104
unless the United States government
formally apologizes...
950
01:08:06,181 --> 01:08:09,378
for its rotting, immoral culture.
951
01:08:09,451 --> 01:08:11,578
Like that's gonna happen.
952
01:08:11,653 --> 01:08:15,214
Are you listening, Mr. President?
953
01:08:15,290 --> 01:08:19,249
- We might be fucked, sir.
- We will do it.
954
01:08:19,327 --> 01:08:23,559
We will kill him right here
if you do not meet our demands!
955
01:08:23,631 --> 01:08:25,565
Oh, yeah?
956
01:08:28,603 --> 01:08:30,537
I don't think you have the balls.
957
01:08:31,840 --> 01:08:33,102
Cockpuncher!
958
01:08:33,174 --> 01:08:37,133
Ahmed, it is the mighty
puncher of cocks.
959
01:08:42,884 --> 01:08:44,476
I'm hungry.
960
01:08:44,552 --> 01:08:49,080
I could sure go for a sundae
topped with... crushed nuts.
961
01:08:49,157 --> 01:08:53,059
Yummy.
962
01:08:53,128 --> 01:08:56,825
Cockpuncher!
Fuck him up!
963
01:09:10,345 --> 01:09:11,334
Come on!
964
01:09:16,217 --> 01:09:19,414
I believe you'll be
releasing Norm now.
965
01:09:19,487 --> 01:09:23,082
Not so fast, Cockpuncher.
966
01:09:25,727 --> 01:09:28,287
Cock blocked.
967
01:09:30,165 --> 01:09:35,102
Those clever terrorists.
They blocked their cocks.
968
01:09:35,170 --> 01:09:37,832
Maybe I can be of some assistance.
969
01:09:37,906 --> 01:09:40,466
- Hit it, boys!
- Melissa Cherry!
970
01:09:42,177 --> 01:09:45,510
# Oh, when you love me right up front
You know that I don't mind #
971
01:09:45,580 --> 01:09:49,983
# But what I really want is for you
to take me from behind #
972
01:09:50,051 --> 01:09:54,351
# Oh, when you love me right up front
You know that I don't mind #
973
01:09:54,422 --> 01:09:58,381
- # But what I really want is for you-#
- Come on, Cherry.
974
01:09:58,460 --> 01:10:01,156
# Oh, yeah #
975
01:10:01,229 --> 01:10:03,823
What the fuck is going on?
976
01:10:03,898 --> 01:10:06,366
Ahman, think unsexy thoughts!
977
01:10:06,434 --> 01:10:08,629
Think unsexy thoughts.
Think unsexy thoughts.
978
01:10:08,703 --> 01:10:11,228
Think unsexy thoughts.
979
01:10:22,951 --> 01:10:28,890
Enough! Your immoral Western sexuality
will not work on us.
980
01:10:28,957 --> 01:10:33,291
Mr. President, the time has come to
give in to our demands.
981
01:10:33,361 --> 01:10:38,492
If we do not hear from you in 10 seconds,
we will kill everyone in this studio.
982
01:10:39,567 --> 01:10:41,091
We might be fucked, sir.
983
01:10:41,169 --> 01:10:45,105
Ten, nine, eight...
984
01:10:45,173 --> 01:10:47,232
seven, six...
985
01:10:47,308 --> 01:10:52,940
five, four, three, two, one!
986
01:10:57,852 --> 01:11:00,412
- Not so r�pido.
- Peruvians.
987
01:11:00,488 --> 01:11:04,390
- Daddy, what's a Peruvian?
- It's kind of like a Mexican.
988
01:11:04,459 --> 01:11:08,088
- �Viva Per�!
- Qu� viva.
989
01:11:29,951 --> 01:11:35,116
Cockpuncher, amigo-
990
01:11:57,378 --> 01:12:02,475
You know, Ahman,
violence is almost never necessary.
991
01:12:02,550 --> 01:12:05,849
I admit, I've punched thousands
upon thousands of cocks in my life...
992
01:12:05,920 --> 01:12:08,013
but I've never killed anyone.
993
01:12:08,089 --> 01:12:10,683
Because no matter what
your religion might be...
994
01:12:10,758 --> 01:12:13,090
no matter
what your politics might be...
995
01:12:13,161 --> 01:12:14,958
no matter how much
money's involved...
996
01:12:15,029 --> 01:12:18,328
there's never any reason
to take human life.
997
01:12:18,399 --> 01:12:20,765
Human life is the most
precious thing there is.
998
01:12:20,835 --> 01:12:23,633
Fuckin'-A, man.
That's some cool shit, man...
999
01:12:25,073 --> 01:12:27,132
You know what?
1000
01:12:30,578 --> 01:12:33,308
You are absolutely
right, Cockpuncher.
1001
01:12:33,381 --> 01:12:36,873
Violence is not the answer.
1002
01:12:36,951 --> 01:12:41,820
Terrorism never solved anything.
To hell with terrorism.
1003
01:12:41,889 --> 01:12:43,652
Yeah! Yeah.
1004
01:12:43,725 --> 01:12:47,661
I'm sick and tired of
living in a fucking cave.
1005
01:12:49,030 --> 01:12:52,124
I'm sick of doing nothing
but cursing the West all day.
1006
01:12:52,200 --> 01:12:56,830
Jesus H. Allah!
I like the West!
1007
01:12:56,904 --> 01:12:59,031
God bless America.
1008
01:12:59,107 --> 01:13:02,508
I like TV! And I like
bacon double cheeseburgers!
1009
01:13:02,577 --> 01:13:04,977
- Whoo!
- And I like the rapping music!
1010
01:13:06,881 --> 01:13:08,815
But most of all...
1011
01:13:08,883 --> 01:13:14,378
I like this big-budget
blockbuster action hero.
1012
01:13:14,455 --> 01:13:18,255
Long live the mighty puncher of cocks!
1013
01:13:18,326 --> 01:13:20,260
�Qu� viva!
1014
01:13:23,731 --> 01:13:26,529
Yeah! Whoo!
1015
01:13:26,601 --> 01:13:30,628
Hey, Norm. Some crazy shit, huh?
1016
01:13:32,640 --> 01:13:36,337
Look, with all due respect,
we just wanted to ask, um...
1017
01:13:36,411 --> 01:13:38,436
what were you gonna say
during your speech?
1018
01:13:38,513 --> 01:13:42,677
Yeah, we were wondering what
the conclusion that you came to was.
1019
01:13:42,750 --> 01:13:46,208
Well, I was going to say, " I'm mad as hell
and not going to take it anymore."
1020
01:13:46,287 --> 01:13:48,221
- But after what just happened...
- Shh.
1021
01:13:48,289 --> 01:13:50,519
I think I've learned a little lesson
I won't soon forget.
1022
01:13:50,591 --> 01:13:56,359
As a matter of fact, I think we've all learned
a few things in the past 90 minutes.
1023
01:13:57,965 --> 01:14:00,957
We've learned that Irishmen
have huge nipples.
1024
01:14:01,035 --> 01:14:05,267
We've learned that film-critic intellectuals
are a bunch of gaywads.
1025
01:14:05,340 --> 01:14:08,104
And, most of all, we've learned...
1026
01:14:08,176 --> 01:14:12,579
that creeping corporate
influence over the news...
1027
01:14:12,647 --> 01:14:14,808
protects us from terrorism.
1028
01:14:19,187 --> 01:14:23,817
Hey, everybody, we're all gonna get laid!
1029
01:14:41,809 --> 01:14:43,743
Um, I can't help but think...
1030
01:14:43,811 --> 01:14:48,407
it must have taken a lot of courage
to make such a provocative film.
1031
01:14:48,483 --> 01:14:52,146
And joining us
to discuss just that...
1032
01:14:52,220 --> 01:14:55,451
is the man who green-lit the film.
1033
01:14:55,523 --> 01:14:57,616
Thanks, Kenneth.
Pleasure to be here.
1034
01:14:57,692 --> 01:15:03,562
So, uh, now, while you gave the makers
of this film tremendous leeway, obviously...
1035
01:15:03,631 --> 01:15:06,361
still, there was some material
that you simply refused to allow?
1036
01:15:06,434 --> 01:15:08,368
That's true.
1037
01:15:08,436 --> 01:15:11,894
Basically, as committed as I was to letting
these guys be free to do their thing...
1038
01:15:11,973 --> 01:15:15,841
there were simply some images
that I just didn't feel comfortable with.
1039
01:15:15,910 --> 01:15:18,504
Mm-hmm. But I understand
you did bring some clips.
1040
01:15:18,579 --> 01:15:22,140
That's right. Uh, I would like to show
some special bonus material.
1041
01:15:22,216 --> 01:15:24,878
These are scenes that didn't
make it into the movie.
1042
01:15:24,952 --> 01:15:27,887
Great. Let's take a look.
1043
01:15:42,370 --> 01:15:45,430
So what we do is we get the kitty...
1044
01:15:45,506 --> 01:15:47,940
and we put it in
a simple egg batter.
1045
01:15:48,009 --> 01:15:50,978
Careful. Okay. Shh. That's fine.
1046
01:15:51,045 --> 01:15:52,979
And then we just simply roll it around...
1047
01:15:53,047 --> 01:15:54,981
making sure we cover
the whole thing.
1048
01:15:55,049 --> 01:15:57,244
It's all right, baby. It's okay.
1049
01:15:57,318 --> 01:16:00,617
Get him completely covered in
an her bed bread-crumb batter here.
1050
01:16:00,688 --> 01:16:02,622
I see. Okay. Oh!
1051
01:16:02,690 --> 01:16:05,523
Thank you.
And into- Oh- into the canola oil.
1052
01:16:07,261 --> 01:16:10,924
You know, I think you have to
draw a line somewhere.
1053
01:16:19,140 --> 01:16:22,667
# Oh, when you love me right up front
You know that I don't mind #
1054
01:16:22,743 --> 01:16:27,237
# But what I really want is for you
to take me from behind #
1055
01:16:27,315 --> 01:16:31,513
# Oh, when you love me right up front
You know that I don't mind #
1056
01:16:31,586 --> 01:16:35,613
# But what I really want is for you
to take me from behind #
1057
01:16:35,690 --> 01:16:37,715
#Oh, yeah #
1058
01:16:37,792 --> 01:16:39,817
#Oh, yeah #
1059
01:16:39,894 --> 01:16:42,454
#Oh, yeah #
1060
01:16:42,530 --> 01:16:44,589
# Oh, oh #
1061
01:16:44,665 --> 01:16:46,599
# Oh, when you love me right up front #
1062
01:16:46,667 --> 01:16:48,965
# You know that I don't mind
No, no #
1063
01:16:49,036 --> 01:16:53,097
# But what I really want is for you
to take me from behind #
1064
01:16:53,174 --> 01:16:57,372
# Oh, when you love me right up front
You know that I don't mind #
1065
01:16:57,445 --> 01:17:01,711
# But what I really want is for you
to take me from behind #
1066
01:17:01,782 --> 01:17:06,276
# I don't mind, no
I don't mind #
1067
01:17:06,354 --> 01:17:10,620
# Take me from behind, yeah #
1068
01:17:11,792 --> 01:17:15,091
# I don't mind, don't mind
Yeah ##
1069
01:17:15,162 --> 01:17:18,290
Are you ready?
1070
01:17:19,367 --> 01:17:23,360
Down on my knees.
1071
01:17:25,973 --> 01:17:30,876
# Baby, when we kiss
my heart just skips a beat #
1072
01:17:30,945 --> 01:17:35,177
# And when you hold my hand
oh, I can hardly speak #
1073
01:17:35,249 --> 01:17:39,515
# But there's one kind of lovin'
that we can't do face to face #
1074
01:17:39,587 --> 01:17:43,284
# Oh, no
So let me give you some affection #
1075
01:17:43,357 --> 01:17:45,552
# Just below your waist #
1076
01:17:45,626 --> 01:17:48,993
# Oh, yeah
I'm down on my knees for you #
1077
01:17:49,063 --> 01:17:51,691
# I'm beggin' please, please for you #
1078
01:17:51,766 --> 01:17:57,500
# Got so much love
I need to show it #
1079
01:17:57,572 --> 01:18:01,440
# It's a big job
Don't wanna blow it #
1080
01:18:01,509 --> 01:18:04,910
# Oh, yeah
Oh, yeah #
1081
01:18:04,979 --> 01:18:06,913
# Oh #
1082
01:18:08,282 --> 01:18:12,013
# Baby
I'm down on my knees #
1083
01:18:12,086 --> 01:18:13,644
# Beggin'. please, please ##
1084
01:18:13,721 --> 01:18:15,348
# Oh #
1085
01:18:17,024 --> 01:18:19,686
Shoot your love, baby.
1086
01:18:23,297 --> 01:18:27,700
# Tell me, why must you hide #
1087
01:18:29,370 --> 01:18:35,036
# That love
That love you got inside
Inside #
1088
01:18:35,109 --> 01:18:37,669
# Ooh, ooh #
1089
01:18:37,745 --> 01:18:41,841
# It's been building up
so long #
1090
01:18:41,916 --> 01:18:44,942
# Yeah #
1091
01:18:45,019 --> 01:18:49,319
# And that feeling's
oh, so strong #
1092
01:18:49,390 --> 01:18:51,881
# Oh, so baby #
1093
01:18:51,959 --> 01:18:57,420
# Shoot your love all over me
Oh #
1094
01:18:57,498 --> 01:19:02,333
# Drown me in a milky sea
Love all over me #
1095
01:19:03,404 --> 01:19:05,429
# Hey, baby #
1096
01:19:05,506 --> 01:19:08,066
# It's you and I
You and I #
1097
01:19:08,142 --> 01:19:11,703
# For eternity
For eternity #
1098
01:19:11,779 --> 01:19:17,740
# That's why you got to
shoot your love over me #
1099
01:19:17,818 --> 01:19:19,752
# Oh, yeah #
1100
01:19:19,820 --> 01:19:22,618
# When I look at you, baby #
1101
01:19:22,690 --> 01:19:26,626
# I see a man full of spunk #
1102
01:19:26,694 --> 01:19:29,959
# But what good is it to me #
1103
01:19:30,031 --> 01:19:33,330
# Locked away in that trunk #
1104
01:19:34,735 --> 01:19:37,499
# I don't need more roses #
1105
01:19:37,571 --> 01:19:40,972
# No, that would be
just reckless #
1106
01:19:41,042 --> 01:19:44,307
# The gift I want from you
From you #
1107
01:19:44,378 --> 01:19:49,315
# Is my very own pearl necklace
Oh #
1108
01:19:49,383 --> 01:19:53,820
# Shoot your love all over me #
1109
01:19:53,888 --> 01:19:57,654
# Hey
Drown me in a milky sea #
1110
01:19:57,725 --> 01:20:00,853
# Love all over me #
1111
01:20:00,928 --> 01:20:02,896
# Ooh, baby #
1112
01:20:02,963 --> 01:20:05,761
# It's you and I
You and I #
1113
01:20:05,833 --> 01:20:08,961
# For eternity
For eternity #
1114
01:20:09,036 --> 01:20:12,267
# That's why you got to shoot your love-#
1115
01:20:12,339 --> 01:20:16,275
For the Onion News,
this is Norm Archer.
1116
01:20:16,343 --> 01:20:18,007
Fuck you and good night.
1117
01:20:18,471 --> 01:20:19,472
Subtitles by LeapinLar
1118
01:20:20,305 --> 01:21:20,563
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