All language subtitles for 1982-Carlin at Carnegie.en

Everybody's heard the old joke
how do you get to Carnegie Hall;

practice, man, practice.

Well, like most people,
I did all my practicing at home

in my own neighborhood.

I grew up on the Upper West Side
of New York City,

General Grant was one
of my neighbors.

I had a lot of fun
in my neighborhood,

I did a lot of practicing.

And sooner or later,
I just wanted to get downtown

to show them what I could do.

And I had to find out
how to get there.

In New York City if you don't
know how to get somewhere,

all you gotta do is ask
somebody, they'll tell ya,

even if they don't know.

Hey, tell me something,
you got a second?

Uh-huh.

How do you get to Carnegie Hall?

I don't know,
I gonna really tell you.

I don't know how
to get to Carnegie Hall.

Yeah, you from around here?

Uh, yeah,
I live right there, man.

I don't even know
where I am now,

how the hell could I tell you
how to get to Carnegie Hall.

How do you get to Carnegie Hall?

From here?

Well, no, from the moon.

Take the bus up on the corner
there down to 57th Street,

get off there,
that's a block walk.

Can't I take the subway here?

Got a gun permit?

Take the plane.

Take the plane?
The 59th Street plane?

Well, that depends on which way
you wanna go.

Well, all I can say, you can
take a car down there.

Take the bus, it'll leave you
right in front of there.

Okay.

I don't know the number,
but I get there.

Jump on a cab, tell the man
to take you downtown,

you ain't got no bread,
just jump out.

How do you get to Carnegie Hall?

Yeah.

Well, if you don't have a car,
you use subway.

And then if you don't have
money, you hop the turnstile.

You hop...

Hop the turnstile.

Then if you're for real,
you go to court.

As you can see, not everybody
agrees on how to get there.

Now, when I was a kid, if you
wanted to get somewhere,

you had to take whatever ride
was available.

I believe my ride
has just arrived.

We want George, we want George,
we want George...

Hi there, how are you?

Hello there.

How you doing?
Good evening everybody.

Hello there.
Thank you.

Thanks a lot.

Have you noticed
that most of the women

who are against abortion

are women that you wouldn't
want to fuck in the first place?

Thank you very much, ladies
and gentlemen, good evening,

my name is George Carlin, and I
am a professional comedian,

as opposed to the kind you run
into at work all day long.

It's nice being a comedian,
there are, uh,

certain advantages, naturally.

And a few disadvantages,

there are some drawbacks
to being a comedian.

No one on death row
has ever said,

before I die,
I wanna talk to a comedian.

You ever hear anyone
at the scene of an accident say,

quick, call a comedian,
for God sakes!

But it would be kind of fun
at an accident

to push your way
through the crowd and say,

may I be of help,
I'm a professional comedian.

And sooner or later,
at least once in your life,

when the policeman says to you,
what are you, a comedian?

You've gotta look him
right in the eye and say,

actually, yes.

Even criminals have no respect
for comedians.

What do they say, first thing
they do when they hold you up?

Don't try anything funny.

First one makes
a funny move gets it.

Whenever they're
not looking I go.

Well, that's my job,
thinking up goofy shit.

Thinking up goofy shit, coming
around every now and then,

letting you know what it is,

or reminding you of things
you already know

but forgot to laugh at
the first time they happened.

We all have things like that,
you hear it during the day

and then you don't remember
it at all.

For instance, I've noticed
they have disposable douche,

and I'm wondering who would want
to keep it in the first place.

I do have a lot, some not a lot,
but I have some notes over here,

and, uh, the reason for that is

I haven't been
doing this lately,

I want to make sure I know
and remember everything tonight.

I've been taking a little time
off, six months I think I took,

uh, three of them,
uh, quite voluntarily,

and the other three quite
against my will.

I had a heart attack,

or as they say in Boston,
I had a heart attack.

He had a heart attack,
you hear about George?

He had a goddamn
myocardial infarction.

I had a heart attack.

Fortunately, my pharmacist,
my cardiologist and my doctor

give me CPR.

But I would like to bring you
up to date, uh,

on the comedian's health
sweepstakes.

As it stands right now,

I lead Richard Prior in heart
attacks, two to one.

I am ahead, I am ahead,
that's right.

Now, however, Richard still
leads me one to nothing

on burning yourself up.

Well, the way it happened was,

first Richard
had a heart attack,

then I had a heart attack,

then Richard burned himself up,

then I said fuck that, I'm gonna
have another heart attack.

I had an interesting morning,
got into an argument...

got into an argument
with my Rice Krispies.

I distinctly heard snap,
crackle, fuck him.

I don't know which
one of them said it,

I was reaching for the
artificial sweetener

and was not looking
directly into the bowl.

But I told them, I said,

well, you can all just sit
right there in the milk,

far as I'm concerned
you can sit in the milk

until I find out
which one of you said that.

A little mass punishment
for my breakfast food.

The idea is to turn them
against one another.

Just sit in the milk,
far as I'm concerned.

Silly me, big punishment,
that's what they do anyway,

Sit in the milk.

That's their job.

That's Rice Krispies' job,
sitting in the milk.

You've seen them, haven't you?

Floating along,

little beige blisters of air,

riding proudly in the milk.

But you can't sink them,
they float for a long time.

And you know why,
they stay together.

They gather together
in little groups,

little groups of eight, ten,
twelve, sometimes fourteen,

but always an even number
if you've noticed.

It's the polarity of the
Krispies that attracts them.

They form little colonies
of Rice Krispies.

But you can't sink them, you try
to sink them with a spoon,

they come up over the sides.

You can't sink them,
that's what the fruit is for,

sinking the Rice Krispies.

Good size peach will take down
80 or 90 of them.

If I'm really pissed, I'll drop
a watermelon on them.

But I say interesting
about my morning

'cause it was, it's not...
I don't have a nice day anymore.

I don't bother much with that.

I think I'm beyond that now,

I think I've outgrown
the nice day.

I think I've had my share.

Why should I be hogging
all the really nice ones?

Let somebody else have a few.

Of course, everybody still
wants me to have one.

Everybody wants me
to have a nice day.

Have a nice day!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wanna give me
my fucking change, please?

I'm triple parked.

Some of them are really
insistent,

I said have a nice day!

All right, all right, goddammit,
all right, I'll give it a shot!

That's the trouble
with have a nice day,

it puts all the pressure on you.

Now you've gotta go out

and somehow manage
to have a good time,

all because of some
loose-lipped cashier.

Have a nice day, maybe I don't
feel like having a nice day.

Maybe, just maybe, I've had 116
nice days in a row,

and I'm ready, by God,
for a crappy day.

I never hear that, let them
wish one of them.

Hey, have a crappy day.

Thank you, and to your wonderful
family, as well.

A crappy day, hey, that would be
easy, it's no trouble at all,

a crappy day.

Just get up.

There's no planning involved
for a crappy day.

I know what it is that bothers
me about that whole thing,

it's the word nice.

It's just a weak word,

it doesn't have a lot
of character, you know?

Nice.
Isn't he nice?

Oh, he is so nice.

And she's nice, too.

Isn't that nice?

How nice they are.

I don't care for that, you know?

That's like fine.

There's another word.
How are you? Fine.

Bullshit!

Nobody's fine.

Hair is fine.

How's your hair? Fine.

That makes a lot more
sense to me.

Some guys are great.

Did you ever meet
those guys? Great.

Isn't this great?
Goddamn, this is great.

Look, they're kill that guy.
Isn't that great?

That's great.

No, not me, I'm not nice,
I'm not fine, I'm not great.

People ask me how I am,
I say I'm fairly decent.

I don't give them
any superlatives,

nothing to gossip about.

Relatively okay.

Sometimes I'll say
I'm moderately neato.

If I'm in a particularly
jaunty mood,

I'll say, I'm not unwell,
thank you.

That pisses them off

because they have to figure
that one out for themselves.

So...

it reminds me of something

my first grade teacher
used to say to me,

a little lady.

She used to say,

you show me a tropical fruit,

and I'll show you
a cocksucker from Guatemala.

No, that, that was someone else,
that was someone else.

I think it was someone
I met in the Army.

Always confuse them,
I don't know what it is.

Ever been looking through
the refrigerator

and come across an empty plate?

Well, that starts
me to wondering.

I think, did something eat
something else?

Maybe the olives ate the peas.

Maybe that chicken
isn't really dead,

and he's grazing on my stuff.

Actually, I picture
a little mouse

with gloves and a parka on,
you know, just...

just waiting for
the lights to go out

so he can get back to work.

I guess the worst thing
that can happen cleaning out

or looking through
the refrigerator

is to come across...

something...

that you cannot identify...

at all.

You literally do not know
what it is.

It could be meat,

it could be cake.

Usually at a time
like that I'll bluff.

Honey, is this good?

Well, what is it?

I don't know.

I've never seen
anything like it.

It looks like meat-cake.

Well, smell it.

Actually, it has
no smell whatsoever.

It's good, put it back.

Somebody is saving it.

It'll turn up in something.

That's what frightens me.

I was what they called
a fussy eater.

He's fussy.

He's a fussy eater.

Fussy eater is a euphemism
for big pain in the ass.

I mean, if I didn't like
something, I told them.

I didn't play with my food,
pick at my food,

I said I don't like that.

You make this, I don't like it.

Why?

They wanted reasons.

Well, you don't always
have a reason.

I don't know.

I know I don't like it.

And I know that if I ate it,
I would like it even less.

You like it, you eat it.

Then they would try
to corner me with logic,

how do you know
you don't like it

if you've never even tried?

It came to me in a dream.

Big pain in the ass.

Some things I didn't like

just because of
the sound of the foods.

To this day,
I can still not eat...

yogurt, yogurt.

It sounds like
it's coming up again.

Yogurt, yogurt.

I can't eat anything
with a Y and a G in it.

Something else that doesn't
sound so good, squash.

You want some squash?

Shit no!

Sounds like somebody sat
on my dinner.

Succotash.

Want some succotash?

What did you call me, you fuck?

Look out, hey,
look out, come on.

Hey, hey,
fucking cool out.

Hey, it's fucking
lima beans and corn.

Cool out, cool out.

Wheat germ.

No, get off my plate.

Even something like eggplant.

Well, which one is it anyway?

Tell it to make up its mind
and then come on back.

Terrible sounding food,
head cheese.

I can't even look at the sign.

I'll be down near the baloney,
you look at it.

Between head cheese and blood
tongue, I may never eat again.

It certainly won't be
at the deli.

Then there are some foods that
sound too humorous to eat.

Did you ever hear of something
too funny to eat?

Guacamole.

That sounds like something
you wear to a dance.

May I borrow your
green guacamole?

Garbanzo.

Hey, want some garbanzos?

It sounds like a circus act.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the garbanzos.

And the funniest food
of all time, kumquats.

I don't even bring
them home anymore.

They just go to waste.

Some things don't look right.

I don't like that, ma.

Don't look right to me.

Did you make that?

Is there a picture of it
in the cookbook?

I'll bet it don't
look like that.

Let's face it, be honest,
some things don't look right.

Of course, some people eat
anything, I know that.

Some guys will eat anything.

I saw those guys in the Army
on the chow line.

What's this, never mind,
give me a whole lot of it.

That's rat's asshole, Don.

Well, it certainly
makes a hell of a fondue.

Don't look right.

I don't eat anything I don't
recognize immediately.

If I have to ask questions,
fuck it, I pass, you know?

Tomatoes don't
look right, either.

On the outside, they're fine.

Tomatoes look lovely
on the outside.

But you look inside a tomato
and something is wrong.

Something has gone afoul
inside of a tomato.

It doesn't look right, you know?

It doesn't look like it's
finished yet, for one thing.

It looks like it's in the larval
stage or something.

There's thousands of seeds

and a whole bunch
of jelly looking stuff.

Get it off my plate.

It's gushy, it's like that stuff
at the end of an egg.

And I know it's not
the end of an egg,

it's the beginning of a chicken.

It's hen cum.

Get it off my plate.

It don't look right.

Something else that doesn't look
like food, lobsters and crabs.

I mean, anything coming at me
walking sideways

with big pincers somehow
doesn't make me hungry.

In fact, my instinct
is step on that fuck.

Look at the big bug,
step on the big bug

before he gets to the children.

They look like
they mean business.

Can't order frogs legs
in a restaurant.

I keep wondering what did they
do with the rest of the frog?

What do they do with it,
they give them little dollies

and send them back out
into the world to beg?

Try, try to return them
to a normal life if you can.

The trouble is, the dollies
for froggies program

has been cut in half.

We've probably seen
the last froggie dolly

for a long, long time.

I'd rather eat a box of cookies.

Doesn't that always
come in handy?

Just eat a goddamn
box of cookies.

You ever do that, a whole box
of cookies right in a row.

I don't mean you take them out.

I mean eat them in the kitchen,
standing right in the kitchen.

Eat a whole goddamn box
of cookies.

Just stare at the electric clock

while you're eating
those cookies.

Did you ever notice right on
the cookies it says open here.

Well, what the fuck do
they think you're gonna do,

move to Hong Kong to open up
their cookies?

Of course you're going
to open them here,

you're going to eat them here.

You almost have
to open them here.

Thank God it doesn't say open
somewhere else.

Shit, I'd be up all night
trying to find a good location.

Got a little news for you.

Let's, uh, let's take a look
at the news tonight.

See what's going on.

Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen,
here is some of the news,

the US Army announced today

that it was true that during
the first part of the 1960's

they had performed LSD tests
on human beings

which destroyed their minds.

However, they have claimed

that none of the victims
has been promoted

beyond the rank
of lieutenant colonel.

A man who was attempting to walk
around the world, drowned today.

Twenty-six people
were killed today

when two funeral processions
crashed into one another,

police say the casualty list
does not include

the two men who
were already dead.

Another first
for County Hospital

as a woman has checked in
to have her tits reversed.

When asked why she
was having it done,

she said that her left tit
was her favorite,

and she wants it
on her right side

where her left-handed husband
can reach it easily.

The ASPCA announced today

that they have filed
a criminal complaint

against a man who
was keeping tropical fish

in a moving blender.

The man says it is true,

but that he never turns
the blender above mix.

The ASPCA claims he's had it up
to whip and puree several times.

A passenger shot six people
on the downtown bus today,

then asked for a transfer

and shot six people
on the cross-town bus.

In order to prevent this
happening in the future,

authorities are discontinuing
the transfer system.

Here are the results of the
blind person's golf tournament,

They've just come in.

The winner was Johnny Downing
with 1,829 strokes.

Just enough to beat
Larry Powell,

who lost any chance
he might have had

when he took a 312
on the final hole.

A 65-year-old woman
who was trotting backwards

from Winnipeg to Rio

was killed today when
she was hit by a truck

head on from the rear.

A small town in Tennessee just
downwind from a nuclear plant

believes it may have received
some radiation.

Everyone is dead,
and the trees are humming.

Although the Internal
Revenue Service

has begun to crack down
on businessmen

for the three-martini lunch,

they will not bother
the working man

and the two-joint coffee break.

A man who was attempting
to circle the world

in a hot air balloon

died today when he stepped
out of the balloon

to admire it from a distance.

A spokesman for
the Reagan administration

has said that many dead people
are really only sick

and trying to collect
illegal death benefits.

On the lighter side of the news,

a couple who was celebrating
their 90th wedding anniversary

died of shock today at the
beginning of a surprise party.

Well, to kind of wind up
the news tonight,

and there's so often
so much death and tragedy,

a man in Texas was arrested
today for shooting and killing

his wife, son, two daughters,
his mother and father,

all four of his grandparents,

his dog, his mailman,
three neighbors

and a woman who works
at the filling station.

He claims he was
just cleaning his gun

when it suddenly went off.

Thank you, thank you very much.

Have you noticed that you never
seem to get laid

on Thanksgiving?

I think it's because all
the coats are on the bed.

Did you realize that

the Mexican hat dance was
written by two individuals?

A lot of folks don't know that.

The first guy wrote da da da da,

and the second guy wrote,
da la la la, da da da.

If it weren't for
the second guy,

the Mexican hat dance would have
gone, da da da da da da,

da da da da da da,

da da da da da da,

da da da da da da,

da da da da da da.

They were so happy
with what they discovered

that they went out to celebrate,
and they met another guy,

and he went, da da da
la la la la la la la la,

da da da la la la la la la

la la, da da da la la la la la
la la la, da da da la la la la.

La la la la.

...it takes two.

This is the musical portion
of our show.

You know what bothers me?

Hey, you know what... Is that me?
Yes it is.

You know what bothers me?

I could never find out
the rest of the words

to Ta Ra Ra Boom De Ay.

Everybody knows Ta Ra Ra Boom
De Ay, hmmmm, hmmmm.

I did find them out,
someone sent them to me.

Ta Ra Ra Boom De Ay,
did you get yours today,

I got mine yesterday,
that's why I walk this way.

You know how you can tell
when a moth farts?

He flies in a straight line.

Do you realize that
somewhere in the world

is the worst doctor?

Has to be,
process of elimination,

sooner or later you're gonna
find the worst doctor.

And the weird part is that...

someone has an appointment
to see him tomorrow.

Yeah, I know, youse
are trying to butter me up.

Don't give me that shit.

Yes, in goddamn deed.

I love that dog.

I've never seen him
and I love him.

He's gonna be wonderful
when I meet that dog.

Hey, you want a dog?

You want a goddamn dog?

Go ahead man,
you can have a dog.

I got three of them, man.

You want a fucking dog?

You have it man, it's yours.

Lots of people got lots
of goddamn doggies.

And you don't even have to have
one to learn about doggies,

your friend might have a dog.

It could be your friend's dog.

He makes you... that makes him
your dog friend.

You go to visit your friend
and his dog is there

and you pet him.

Hi, hello.
How are you Sneezie?

You're wonderful.
Hello, goddamn.

I mean, for that moment,
he's your dog.

So you can have someone else's
dog for a while.

Hi, he likes, he likes me.

I think, oh my God,
look at this doggie here.

Goddamn doggies.

There's lots of things to know
about him, too.

Lots of things you learn.

You don't know where always,
and you can't remember.

For instance, can you remember
the first time you found out

that by scratching a dog here,

you could make this leg
go like that.

And, that you could make it stop
when you stop.

Goddamn, I'm in complete
control of this dog.

Or that you can make their head
tilt from across the room

just by making a funny noise.

You go...

and he goes.

Oh look honey, isn't he cute?

Let's get his head fixed
so he stays like that.

Oh, you can get
their heads done.

Cost you a bundle,
and they don't like it.

Makes them move to the same side
all the time.

Cute little goddamn doggie.

Do you ever eat candy right
in front of your dog?

I don't mean a Milky Way.

I mean one at a time candy,
like M&Ms.

And you watch
where he's looking,

he's following your fingertips.

Oh, boy, this asshole
drops one Jujube,

I'm going for his
femoral artery.

Did you ever spell
in front of your dog?

Some of them are smart.

You've gotta spell.

Honey, do we have
any more b-o-n-e-s?

B, they know
the sound of B alone.

B, bone, bone, bone.

Take it easy, take it easy.

You know, there's
all kinds of dogs,

and all sizes of dogs, too.

There's a lot of goddamn big
dogs, you know, big dogs.

I don't mean big.

I don't mean a big dog.
I mean a fucking-big-dog.

Some people have got
goddamn big doggies.

Look like they ought to have

commercial license
plate on them.

Livestock dogs.

What the hell is that?

That's my dog.

He blocked out the sun.

That's Tiny.

Little dog is different.

Little dog will get
around and do fine.

He'll jump all he wants.

I don't know how
they jump so high.

They got little
teeny legs like this.

They got legs, if you feel
a little dog's leg,

it feels like a beef jerky
in there, man.

They can jump up on the bed
all they want to.

Holy God, do that again.

Oh, man, one more time.

I make him keep doing it till he
can't reach anymore,

boom, boom, boom.

Then if I want him up there,
I'll put him up there.

And sooner or later,

what's gonna happen
with the little dog?

Sooner or later,
lying on the bed

he's gonna create an incident.

He's gonna make
one of you humans

turn to the other and say, whew.

Honey, did you fart?

Not me, I thought you farted.

Not me, whew.

That's not even
one of my farts.

I've got four farts,
and that's not one of mine.

I've got my Heineken's fart,

I got my broccoli fart,

my rice pudding fart,

and my non-dairy creamer fart,

and that's not one of my farts.

I know...

the dog farted.

Tippy, why did you fart?

Look at him, he knows he farted.

I seen his asshole open up.

I seen it.

Well, I happened to be looking
at his asshole by chance.

What kind of a question is that?

I thought he was doing
them deep breathing exercises.

You see, dogs
have nothing to do.

There's no job description
for a dog.

They're forced to wait
for something to happen

that they can get in on.

If you do something,
they'll be glad to join you.

But they rarely initiate any
activity on their own.

They're just waiting, waiting,
waiting and waiting and waiting.

Waiting to come in, waiting
to go out, waiting to eat,

waiting to crap, waiting to wake
up, waiting to sleep,

waiting to go upstairs,
waiting to go downstairs.

Sometimes they're
just waiting to wait.

You ever seen a dog
just standing there?

He don't know
what he's waiting for,

but if it happens,
he'll be ready.

Just a waiting and a waiting,

waiting for you to come home.

They don't understand time.

A dog doesn't know
the difference

between an hour and a half
or next week.

He thinks you're going to be
gone forever.

That's the only time period dogs
really understand, forever.

That's how long they think
everything lasts.

That's how long they think
everything takes,

forever and ever.

Did you ever scratch your dog
behind the ears?

Oh boy, they love that, huh?

The more you scratching your
doggie behind the ears

and he really loves that,

and you're looking at him
and everything,

and when you finally stop
he looks at you

like you're a criminal.

He thought it was gonna go
on and on and on.

Same thing when you feed them,
soon as they get finished

they say, where the fuck's
the food?

They thought it was
the loaves and the fishes,

it was gonna last
forever and ever.

Dog don't know, they must think
we're gonna be gone forever,

otherwise why would they act
the way they do

when we finally get home.

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy,
oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy,

oh boy, oh boy,
oh boy, oh boy.

I thought you were never
gonna come home,

I thought you were
never gonna come home,

I thought you were
never gonna come home,

I thought you were
never gonna come home.

I didn't know what to do.

You know what? I don't know
how to operate the can opener.

How do you operate
the can opener?

I didn't know what to do, man.
What, do you push it down?

I couldn't think of it.

Do you know what?
Do you know what I did?

I took a can of dog food and
I rolled it down the hill,

and hoped a truck ran it over.

That's all I
could think of, man.

I mean, they'll do that if you
even just forgot your hat.

You come back in eight seconds,

oh boy, oh boy, I thought
you were never gonna come home,

I thought you were
never gonna come home.

I was gonna eat your bird,
I couldn't find the bird.

Where the fuck's the bird?

Will you stop that,
I was just here.

God, they get you mad sometimes,
don't they?

Do you ever get mad at your dog,
and you feel really dumb

and you get all the way to work

and you're still
pissed at your pet.

What's the matter, Dan?

Well, the dog, goddamn it,
never mind.

He chewed the legs off
everything.

Okay, I'll see you at lunch.

Dog don't care.
He'll do whatever is next.

He don't know what's next,
but he'll do something.

They'll do two things in a row
that don't go together.

You ever seen a dog walking
through a room

and suddenly he stops and chews
his back for 18 minutes?

And then when
he's finished chewing,

as if it were scheduled
for right then, of course,

then when he's finished

he doesn't even know where
it was he was gonna go.

Where was I gonna go?

Oh, shit, oh, I think I'll go
over here.

Oh, this is nice over here.

I think I'll keep
coming over here.

He don't know, he don't care.

Dog don't care.

Like I say, he'll do anything.

He might embarrass you.

He might do something
inappropriate

when you have company, huh?

You might have some folks
in visiting you,

some of them you
don't know that well,

trying to impress
a couple of them.

Hey, you might be
trying to borrow money

off one of these studs.

Dog is lying out there
in the living room,

you got all these
people sitting around,

you got a little chip,
a little dip.

Dog's in full view of everyone,

got carrot sticks,
celery sticks,

little lady fingers,
finger ladies,

all sorts of little things
that you got.

And everybody's eating nicely,

and you look down
and you realize

that the dog is
licking his balls.

No one says anything,

no one mentions it,

spectacular thing going on.

Hey, if I could reach,
I'd never leave the house.

Are you kidding?

Poor little guy.

He didn't mean it.
He didn't mean it.

He'll come,
he'll apologize to you.

He'll come around a few hours
later and apologize.

He'll give you that doggie look,

give you them eyes, you know,

they have such a great
expression, almost human.

Sometimes we say that.

Isn't he, look,
he looks almost human, Dan.

They do, you know?

They look like they know
something about your mother.

They're not willing to mention
it right away.

They're just looking at you like
they got a trig problem

they can't quite solve.

There's a, there's a sad look
in their eyes,

all the sadness in the world
is right in the eyes of a dog.

Did you ever do this?

Look right
into your doggie's eyes

and think of something
really sad.

And it'll look like it's
happening to your dog.

Strangest thing,
they look at you like that.

You know why they have
so successful a look,

cause they got eyebrows.

Dogs have eyebrows,

or at least little ridges
that pass for eyebrows.

They got little things...

that they can manipulate,

just like we do.

Oh, please...

please daddy,

one... more... treat.

Cats can't look
at you like that.

Cats don't look at that...

cats look at you coldly,
as if they're testing new eyes.

Reason cats look different,
cats don't have eyebrows.

Cats have a bunch of shit
sticking out of their head.

They thought it was gonna be
an eyebrow,

but it didn't work out.

Let's not tell them,
they think it's an eyebrow.

It's just a bunch of shit,
sticking out of their heads.

Cats are all different.

They do everything different
than a doggie.

Cats are cute,
cats are goddamn cute.

Isn't he cute?
Look at him, God, he's cute.

He's a kitty cat.

That's how cute they are.
They needed two names.

Kitty wasn't cute enough,
kitty cat.

Isn't he cute? The kitty cat,
look at him. Isn't he cute?

Let's drown him.

He's a cute little goddamn
kitty cat, ain't he? Look.

Stick on the wall, see
if he hangs up there. Whoa!

Little goddamn kitty cat.

They're so goddamn cute
when they're teeny.

I hope he stays
that size forever.

He's darling.

Isn't he wonderful?
Cute little goddamn kitty cat.

They can jump any way they want.

When they're teeny, they can
jump straight up in the air

without a run.

They just go vooom.

They can even jump backwards
to the side.

How'd he do that? Holy shit.
They can do anything.

Jump and be cute as can be,
cute goddamn kitty cat.

Isn't he cute?

God, I love them.
They're so cute.

They're even cute
when they kill.

Isn't he, Look,
he's playing with the mouse.

Bullshit.

Mouse doesn't feel that way.

They're cute.
Oh, he's so precious,

just tearing the throat
right out of that bird.

Cute as can be.

They kill, see, they like
to kill something.

That's what they want to do,
that's why they act so nice.

They wanna go yaaah.

Even when they're teeny,
when they're just born.

You take a baby, baby,
that is a human,

you take a baby dog
and a baby cat,

and you attack
all three of them,

which I try never to do
if I can help it,

but you'll get
three different results.

You attack a baby, he cries.

You attack a puppy, he cowers.

You attack kitty cat, he fights.

One day old,
they're looking for some shit.

They ain't even got their eyes
open, they'll grab anything.

Nasty little cute thing.

Cute little nasty guy.

Oh, they're wonderful,
God love them.

They're so physical.
That's what's fun.

They're so physical.

They love to rub on you.

They love to rub on you.

If you've got a leg and a cat,
whew, you got a party.

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy,
I love his leg, oh boy.

I'm rubbing on his leg,
oh boy, oh boy.

If you got two legs, shit,
jubilee celebration time.

Oh boy, two legs, hot shit.
I can do the figure eight.

They love to do the figure
eight, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.

I love to rub on his leg.

They'll rub against your leg
even if you're not there yet.

You might still be 50 feet down
the hall, they see you coming,

oh boy, oh boy, oh boy,

soon I'll be rubbing
on his leg, soon.

They'll even walk sideways
so they don't miss you,

oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.

They love it.

They're so physical.

You don't have to pet a cat,
you just put your hand over him

and he'll do all the work, man.

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.

You pet him, you ever pet a cat
who's lying absolutely flat,

and before you're
halfway finished

his ass is way up in the air.

Like you pressed the ass button
or something.

Isn't he a cute little...
holy shit, how did he do that?

Then they jump on your chest

and put their ass
right in your face.

Here's my ass, dad,
check this ass, huh?

And while they're
showing you their ass,

they give you some
of this stuff.

I say get him off of me,
Jesus, I hate that.

I don't even know what it is,
and I don't like it.

It looked like they're
into some bad drug.

There's one other
quality cats have,

which, uh, I admire,

cats don't accept blame.

They don't embarrass at all.

A cat does something dumb, you'd
never know it by looking at him.

Dog knocks over a lamp,

you can tell who did it just
by looking at the dog.

Not the cat.
Cat doesn't accept any blame.

Cat moves along
to the next activity.

What's that?
Not me, fuck that, I'm a cat.

Something break, ask the dog.

Cat doesn't get embarrassed.

You ever seen a cat
race across a carpet

and crash into a glass door?

I meant that,
I meant that, I meant that.

That's exactly how I wanted
that to look.

Fucking meow,

fucking meow,

fucking meow.

That's what they say when
they get behind the couch.

A cat's too proud
to let you see him suffer,

but you look behind the couch

and you'll find
your cat recuperating

from a domestic accident.

They got little slings
and walkers, you know.

Tried to make the window
from the lamp.

Little kitty cat,
goddamn kitty cat.

Do you realize Hitler
only had one ball?

What do you think
about a man with one ball?

Do you think he has
two strikes against him?

Maybe he's got one ball
and two strikes.

Hitler only had one ball.

A lot of people don't know that.

A lot of people don't know that.

They say Hitler, geez,
he had a lot of balls...

one.

For some time I was trying
to get a list of words together

that would fairly represent
the dirty words,

cause nobody gives you a list of
dirty words for life,

have you noticed that?

There's some words
that are perfectly clean

but sound like
they could be filthy

if you gave them
just a little help.

A word like pussyfoot.

It's perfectly clean.

But when you say pussyfoot
there's a little giggle,

cause people know
that with a little help

this word could be filthy.

No matter what form of the verb
you try, it's clean as a verb,

but pussyfoot could be a noun.

It could be a noun, pussyfoot,
a rare disorder.

A female birth defect.

Hello boys, I have pussyfoot.

God, you sure do, lady.

And I love them open-toed shoes
you have on.

Well, I'd rather have pussyfoot
than woodpecker, I can say that.

Or beer nuts.

God, that must be awful.

Beer nuts, the official
disease of Milwaukee.

I know whenever I see the little
canister behind the bar,

I drop in a couple of dollars
for beer nuts.

I think we need a lot more
research on beer nuts.

Or, cotton balls.

Which is the dreaded final stage
of beer nuts.

When my beer nuts
turn to cotton balls,

I'll be heading home to you.

It's an old Southern hymn.

Lots of little phrases like that
in the language

that don't quite
say what they mean.

Take a shit is another one.

Take a shit!?

You don't take shit,
you leave a shit!

That's the whole idea,
to leave it.

I left a shit.
Fine, thank you, Jeff.

Where'd you leave it?

In the icebox.

I'm gonna take a shit.

Don't take one of mine!

I only have two left
and the weekend is coming up.

Why don't you go home and take
one of your own shits.

Guy's always mooching off me.

He must think I'm made of shit
or something.

Boy, that shit don't grow
on trees, you know?

Well, enough of that shit.

Lots of little phrases
like that.

Pick your nose is, well,
blow your nose.

Blow your nose is a phrase.
Imagine that, blowing your nose.

I don't believe they
really mean that, do you?

You can't blow your nose.

I believe it's physically
impossible to blow your nose.

You might get somebody else
to blow your nose,

but it would have to be
a real good friend.

Cocktails, another clean word.

You can advertise them.

You can put up signs
all over town, cocktails.

As long as you use both halves
of the word, perfectly fine.

But you can't advertise either
one of those two items

if you break those
words in half.

They'll come and take
your sign down.

Cocktail, it's okay.

It depends on how you say
that kind of word.

You ladies like some cocktails?

Hey lady, you want a cocktail?

Cockpit. Men will actually laugh
about that, cockpit.

Get it? Oh yeah.

Bangkok, there's a lovely city.

How would you like to be
a hooker in Bangkok?

It would seem
like a natural habitat.

Peacock. NBC is really proud
of their peacock.

You know what
a female peacock is?

A peacunt.

My list, I was just trying
to isolate the words

that were always filthy,

not the ones that
were sometimes dirty.

And the original list was shit,
piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker,

motherfucker and tits.

This was all I could think
of in one sitting, just one try.

But we had to add some,
we had shit, piss, fuck, cunt,

cocksucker, motherfucker, tits,

and then we added fart,
turd and twat,

which also don't
have other meanings.

You know, twat's twat,
and that's that.

But after a while,
it didn't take long,

well, it took quite a while.

But I finally discovered

that there are only
two words on the list

you really had to deal with

to sort of look at the double
standard that television uses

where language is concerned.

Uh, the two words were
fart and fuck.

Those are the only two.

They seem similar because you
can't say either one of them.

You can't say fart
and you can't say fuck.

No matter how cleverly you try
to work them in,

no matter how clinical
the conversation is,

fart and fuck will not show up
on the final tape.

You simply cannot say them.

But that's where
the similarity ends,

cause at least with
the word fuck,

even though you can't say
the word fuck,

you can talk about fucking.

Oh, you can refer to fucking,

there's lots of fuck talk
going on, on TV,

they just don't
call it fucking.

That's the secret,
they don't use that word.

There's plenty of fuck talk.

You see people who wrote a book
about fucking.

You'll see a guy on a talk show
who wrote a book about fucking.

How to fuck, who to fuck,
when to fuck, why to fuck

and how to feel after you fuck.

This man is a fuck expert
and he wrote a fuck book,

and he's talking to Merv Griffin
about fucking,

and they're getting away with it

cause they don't
call it fucking.

Same with the soap operas,
everybody,

you take a look at a soap opera,

and you know everybody
is fucking somebody

on a soap opera.

And if they're
not fucking somebody,

they're trying to fuck somebody.

Will he fuck her, did he fuck
her, has he fucked her,

should he fuck her,
can he fuck her some more,

will they fuck too much, will
they get silly from fucking,

who is fucking who,
that's all you want to know,

is what the fuck is going on,
on this program here.

You know that somebody
is getting fucked,

and you think it's you.

So there's lots of fuck talk,

and there's plenty of
fucking on television,

they just don't
call it fucking.

They call it everything else.

Now, on the other hand, farts,

not only can you not
mention the word fart,

but you can't
refer to farts at all.

That's how bad farts are,

they're worse than fucking.

You never hear anybody talking
about farts on TV.

You've never seen a guy
who wrote a book on farts;

how to fart, who to fart at,
how to feel after you fart.

There's no fart experts
on the Merv Griffin Show,

you don't see any farts
or fart references,

it's a fart free zone.

Wouldn't you think
after 35 years

one guy by now
would have gone, whew?

Just once, just once
I'd like to see someone

on the Johnny Carson panel

say, Hey, Ed,
move down, man.

That was a Clydesdale fart.

Well, anyway,

uh, after a while I realized

that I was needlessly
restricting myself

to seven words,

and only to the ones
that weren't allowed on TV.

I mean, there were a lot more
to be looked at,

and television isn't
the only place

that objects to your
language sometimes.

There are lots of situations

where you're not supposed
to say that.

So I expanded the list
by as many as I could,

and I'd like to share
some with you now.

This list is a little longer
than it was before.

First we start with
the ones we already know;

shit, piss, fuck, cunt,
cocksucker, motherfucker,

tits, fart, turd and twat.

Crap, balls, prick, asshole,
jackoff, jerkoff, scumbag,

douche bag, hard-on,

rod-on, boner, stiff,
piss hard, blue balls,

nookie, cooze, gash,
slash, hole, slit, snatch, box,

beaver, pussy, bearded clam,

gism, cum, cream, juice, pecker,
peckerhead, peckertracks,

dick, dork, dong, doniker, wang,
shlong, shwans, pork,

crabs, ass, butt, heinie,
tuckus, bum, buns, cheeks,

screw, lay, diddle, plow, hump,
bang, poke, batter, wham,

knock up, bugger, ground, jugs,
bazooms, knockers, knobs,

lungs, balloons, dildo, joy
stick, hair pie, muff, cornhole,

rim job, blow job, sugar bowl
pie, suck off, give head,

sit on my face,

butt fuck, finger fuck,
clap, bleat, 69,

71 which is 69 with
two fingers up your ass,

daisy chain, circle jerk, cock
teaser, wet dream, cunt struck,

pussy whipped, short arm,
tuna taco, group grope,

milking the chicken,

bulldagger, gangbang,
ball breaker, ball buster,

merkin, bananas and cream,
up the old dirt road,

around the world,
beat your meat, whack off,

flogging your dong, pounding
your pud, beating the bishop,

poontang,

dingleberry, sit on it,
fudge packer,

milking the lizard, fart face,
old fart, farting around,

fart sniffer, ream, snake,
raincoat, quickie, queer, queen,

putz, put out, push,
beef injection, dog style,

pop your cookies, bust your
nuts, one-eyed monster, knob,

pocket pool, tail, piddle,
paddle the pickle, one-man band,

snapper, notch, garage, shaft,
stick, piece of ass, goddammit,

pimp, hooker, punk, faggot,
dike, lezzie, box lunch,

sea food, hand job, hammer,
hatch, head job, hot nuts,

hum job, prong,

jelly roll,
jerk the gherkin,

lob, meat whistle, cheese,
cat fan, middle leg, wanking,

bootie, love muscle,
snappin' pussy,

bitch, bastard, clam,
bite the brown,

going up mustard road, bone on,
bush, button, cunt lapper,

cherry, tool, dingus,
quif, quim, get off,

joint, peace, stem, root, crack,
cootch, crud, eat me, fuck you,

up your ass, get laid, fuck off,
piss off, piss on you, stick it,

stuff it, ram it, jam it,
cram it, horny, peter,

the one-eyed wonder worm,

piece of ass,
little brown eyeball,

golden showers, pound cake,
boy in the boat, brown eyes,

brown nose, sloppy seconds,
Mongolian cluster fuck,

rod of love, copping a feel,
copping a cherry,

copping a joint, on the rag,
flying the flag,

riding the cotton pony, dipping
your wick, going down on,

dry hump, fist fuck, skin flute,
french job, furburger, nuts,

get your rocks off, get in,
get it up, hung, ginch, gobble,

diesel dock, rubber, shoot...
diesel dike that was...

syph, wad, cocksman, tit fuck,
tongue, rough trade, trick,

weenie and
yodeling in the gully.

Thank you and
I'll see you next time.