All language subtitles for Champagnegalopp (1975) What the Swedish Butler Saw

- Now, hold still.

(lively lighthearted music)

Now, hold still.

My story begins naturally
(upbeat harpsichord music)

when I born in London during
the reign of Queen Victoria.

- Good evening, Mrs. Armstrong.

- Good evening, Mr. Armstrong.

- [Jack] I suppose
my family was typical

of the British upper class.

- How was India?

- Hot.

- How was London?

- Damp.

- You know, I did
miss you, Pamela.

Three years without--

- Hush, Clarence.

Little Jack may hear you.

- [Jack] My parents were
so formal to each other

that I sometimes wondered
how I was ever conceived.

As I approached young
manhood, my head was filled

with useless facts about
all sorts of things

in which I had
absolutely no interest.

While my parents gave
me no information at all

about the one subject that
aroused all my curiosity.

So, I began to
investigate on my own.

(door clattering)

- Jack, my son.

Passion must be
ruthlessly controlled

or it will sap your energy,
drain your vitality.

- [Jack] Father sternly
lectured me on how my life

would be totally ruined
unless I repressed

all my sexual desires.

- So, control yourself!

(paper ripping)

- [Jack] Father's lecture
certainly should have inhibited

my natural feeling for all time,

but he did not allow for
my overpowering curiosity

in the subject.
(upbeat harpsichord music)

That curiosity, along with
a strange new sensation

that stirred within me led
me to experiment on my own.

But, once again, my
research was interrupted.

(door clattering)

- Oh, for shame,
Jack, for shame.

That can cause blindness.

- [Jack] Mother had
a unique solution

for the problems of adolescence.

- There I think you're
ready for bed now, Jack.

You're a big boy now.

- [Jack] Despite these problems,

I finally arrived at manhood.

During my senior
year at Cambridge,

my parents passed away
suddenly, the victims

of an influenza epidemic.

And, I was shocked to
learn that my father

has squandered the
entire family fortune.

(somber organ music)

- Jack Armstrong, your
father did not exactly

leave you a fortune, only
500 pounds per annum.

Therefore, you must enter
the noble profession

which your father chose for you.

The law.

What do you say to
that, young man?

- Thank you, sir, but I, I'd--

- However, after
paying his debts,

there are a few
valuables left for you.

- There are?

My father left me a ship's
model which his uncle

had carved in debtor's prison,
(lighthearted flute music)

an unused suit of
armor from an ancestor

who was hung for cowardice,
and most valuable of all,

Samson, the son of my
late father's late butler.

- Samson, wake up, wake up!
(Samson snoring)

There will be no
snoring in my court.

(gavel thudding)
(Samson grunting)

(lively music)

- [Jack] Yes, due to
a childhood disease,

poor Samson was deaf which was
the one talent he possessed

that made him the perfect
servant for a bachelor.

It more than made up
for what he lacked

as a gentleman's gentleman.

Following my father's wishes,
I took up the practice of law.

I called myself a barrister,
but I felt no sense of pride

or accomplishment in the work.

If I felt any calling at all,
it was the call of the flesh.

An uncontrollable
hunger within me

seemed to grow and grow.

I couldn't concentrate
on my work.

My mind kept wandering
off into lurid fantasies.

(gentle harp music)

The only pleasure
awaited me in real life

was my afternoon tea

while I remained
uncomfortably celibate

remembering my father's dire
warnings about prostitutes

and venereal disease.

Until I made a discovery
quite by accident.

(clock ticking)

It seemed that father
never followed the advice

he had so forcefully
impressed upon me.

The letters proved that he'd
been carrying on an affair

with a rather passionate
young lady named Helena.

(lively player piano music)

As my curiosity was aroused,
I decided to investigate

and found that she was living
in a huge mansion in Mayfair.

(people chattering)

- Good evening, General.

Ah, Sheik, how nice
to see you again.

Are you the young man
that asked for me?

- I am.

Helena, Madame Helena?

- That's right.

But, why me?

There are so many girls
here for your pleasure.

(hands clapping)

Ladies.

Oh ladies, shame, shame.

Now, let's have
a little decorum.

Stand in a line and let
him have a look at you.

Aren't they lovely?

Each one worthy of a king.

Well, which one
tickles your fancy?

- You don't understand, I
really came here to meet you.

- Oh.

(hands clapping)

You prefer a woman
of experience I see.

- Well, I'm interested in
one of your experiences

with my father.

- Your father?

(laughs)

That would be a
chronological impossibility.

Who are you anyway?

Something about you does
look a little familiar.

- My name is Armstrong,
Jack Adam Smith Armstrong.

My father's name is Clarence.

- Not old shoot first and
hang on for dear life?

(laughs)

- [Jack] Pardon?

- That was your late
father's battle cry.

How else do you think I
finished up in this wheelchair?

So, you're the
young Mr. Armstrong

come to take your father's
place, so to speak.

- Oh, I don't think I could
ever fill the old boy's shoes.

Or anything else.

- [Helena] Why?

- You see, I haven't
had any opportunity,

any experiences yet.

- You mean, you're
still innocent?

- As a newborn babe, I'm afraid.

- Well (chuckles), we'll
soon change all that.

I shall give you the
best girl in the house

and you can have my bedroom.

(fingers snapping)

- But, but, but--

- No, no, no, I insist.

(lighthearted music)

- [Jack] Madame Helena
was as good as her word.

Oh, I wasn't as yet
qualified to judge if Suzy

was the best girl in the house

and I found her more than
adequate for the occasion.

(both grunting)

- Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

(women applauding)

- [Jack] At last, that long
awaited moment had come

and all too quickly gone.

- Jack, our next position
will be on page 46

of the Kama Sutra.

- [Jack] But, this was
only the beginning.

Madame Helena was determined
that I should fill in the gaps

in my education.

(bed rattling)

Although I started out
as an eager student,

I soon found it rather
difficult to keep up

with the rest of the class.

- My turn.

- With a final fanatic
spurt, I managed to complete

Madame Helena's
curriculum with honors

but totally spent.

After a few days' rest,
I returned to my office

and tried to work.

But now, one great
desire was satisfied,

but I found that another
had taken its place.

I had experienced sex but there
was something else in life

I was missing.

Where was love?

As it happened, love
was waiting for me

in, of all places,
the Royal Academy.

There I fell in love twice.

First with the new
art of photography

and second was Alice.

(gentle lighthearted music)

- Mr. Keats said
it so well, Fanny.

Beauty is truth, truth beauty.

That is all ye know on Earth
and all ye need to know.

- [Jack] There she was,
standing before me,

the loveliest creature

I could imagine.

(gentle cello music)

I was so enchanted by her
I was frozen to the spot

unable to utter a sound.

- I beg your pardon,
sir, but I must ask you

to cease staring at
me in such a manner

or I shall be forced
to call the guard.

It is not the proper
conduct for a gentleman,

and I for one, do not
consider it a compliment

but rather an insult.

- Forgive me but it's only
because you look so...

What's your name?

- Come, Fanny.

We are not the kind of
young ladies who are used

to speaking to strange
me without being
formally introduced.

- Oh no, don't leave, please.

- [Alice] Fanny.

- [Jack] I couldn't just
let her walk out of my life

so I followed her home.

(somber cello music)

I sent Samson for flowers
and, in the accepted style

of the day, bravely began
my courtship of Alice.

Little did I realize how
challenging this effort

would prove to be.

Although she didn't
answer my letters,

I kept writing and
sending flowers

until finally I
received an invitation.

I was so delighted
to see Alice again

that I gladly suffered
through the endless prayers

before, during,
and after dinner.

Her father, the Reverend
Faversham, and her mother

were absolute pillars
of Victorian morality.

They were the kind of
people who had little skirts

made for the piano's legs to
ensure the modesty of the home.

The only way I could
arrange to see Alice alone

was to take her on photographic
picnics in the country.

But, if anything she was
even more untouchable

on these occasions.

(lighthearted music)

Alice's maid, Fanny,
was chaperone.

So, to keep her occupied,
I brought along Samson.

With both chaperones gone,
I decided it was time

to make my move with Alice.

- You know, Jack, Father
and Mother do worry so

about what we get up
to on our little trips.

- Huh?

- Of course with
Fanny and Samson,

they really don't
have to, do they?

- Maybe so.

- Why, Jack, what do you mean?

- You realize, of course,
that Samson could never

hear any cries for help
if there should be any.

- Yes, that has
often occurred to me.

- And, that Fanny could
be completely at his mercy

just as you could be at mine,

if the situation should
arise, of course.

(Alice giggles)

Well, have I said something
that was so amusing?

- I'm sorry, it's the
thought of you, Jack,

with me at your mercy.

(giggles)

- Then you're not
frightened of me?

- Of you, Jack?

What a thought.

You're a charming
young man, of course,

but very definitely a rabbit.

(giggles)

- A rabbit?

- Oh, but a very dear rabbit.

And, I think we must go
hopping back home now

before Father calls
Scotland Yard.

Fanny, Fanny, come here.

Fanny, where are you?

(Fanny groaning)
- (grunting) Oh, Fanny.

- Oh, damnation!

What a time for her
to call me (grumbles).

- What'd I do wrong?

- [Jack] I realized
there was only one way

for me to have Alice.
(somber music)

I would have to
propose marriage.

So I pawned all my
valuables except my camera

and bought a ring that
was worthy of her.

(bell ringing)

- What are you doing here, Jack?

- We had an appointment.

Don't you remember?

Alice, there's an important
matter I've long wanted

to discuss with you.

- This is not the time, Jack.

- But, Alice, I'm here to
declare my undying love for you

and to ask you to be--

- Alice.

What on Earth is keeping you?

Sir Cecile is waiting.

- I'm coming, Mother.

- You must go, Jack.

There's nothing more
here for you now.

- But, Alice, Alice, look
what I bought for you.

- Oh, Jack, why didn't
you speak sooner.

I'm afraid I've already got
one and a fiance to go with it.

Father chose him.

Father says Sir Cecile
can offer me everything

a woman could desire, a title,

social position, a mansion--

- Sir Cecile?

Sir Cecile Swedwick?

But, he's over 60.

- Hush, Jack, he'll hear you.

- But, how can you
even contemplate
going to bed with him?

- Jack Armstrong!

Mother says we're not
supposed to enjoy it.

A woman must endure it.

Now, kindly go and refrain

from any further
obscene outbursts.

- [Jack] But, Alice, please.

- Father was right,
you are a lecher.

- Without Alice life
was not worth living.

There seemed only only
one course left for me.

("Funeral March"
by Frederic Chopin)

My suicide would end my misery
and Alice would never forget

what she had done to cause it

especially when she
received a gift from me

which Samson would deliver
on her wedding day,

a photograph of the
actual moment of death.

Poison wasn't really visual
enough for a photograph.

I had to find a more
dramatic, more photogenic way

to do it.

Faithful Samson tried to help.

Samson, that's it!

This would be the
first photograph

of a suicide taken
by the suicide

in the history of photography.

(rope clattering)

I failed in dying

just as I had failed in living.

- This just arrived,
Master Jack.

- I'm rich!
- Something?

- Samson, I'm rich!

(both men shouting)
(lively music)

There had been a death
in family after all.

Good old Uncle Edgar had
chosen this opportune moment

to depart this world and
leave me his sole heir.

I would never have to
worry about money again.

Then I received a
wedding announcement
from the Favershams.

Tomorrow was to be
Alice's wedding day.

Despite my good fortune,
I was deeply depressed.

I decided to try to raise
my spirit with a wild night

of carousing at Madame
Helena's establishment.

- I'll have the whip
sent in at once.

Why, Jack, what
are you doing here?

- Well, I was feeling
a bit low in spirit.

- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

But, I'm afraid the
house is closed tonight.

It's a private affair.

They've hired the whole
establishment for the night.

A bachelor party,
you understand.

- Yes.

- (screaming) He's
dead, he's dead!

Sir Cecile is dead!

- Swedwick?

How did he die?

- With a big smile on his face.

(women screaming)

(lively music)

- Reverend Faversham!

(Reverend Faversham groaning)

(men thudding)

- Well, if this keeps up, we
won't have an erect customer

left in the place.

You're a lucky man, Jack.
(upbeat harpsichord music)

Now, with Sir Cecile's
wick spent for good,

you will have a second chance.

- To ask her to marry me?

- No, silly, to educate her.

You had to be, but she
needs it even more.

Now, try and forget you're
such a proper gentleman

and teach her what
it's all about.

- I couldn't.

Alice is, if you'll pardon
the expression, a lady.

- Oh, lady my foot.

Under that cold bustle there's
a smoldering pair of knickers

and once you stoke her up a bit,

she'll catch fire like kindling.

Mark my words, if she
doesn't go wild over it

and love you for
showing her how.

- I suppose you're right.

- Of course, I'm right.

Now, you must think of a plan.

Try and find some way
of being alone with her

and then show her who is
the man and who is the maid.

Take her in your arms
and do something daring.

- Daring.

- Bold.

- Bold.
- Shocking.

- Shocking, even beastly.

- Now, you've got it.

I do believe you've got it.

- [Jack] Strange fantasies
whirled through my head

all about Alice.
(somber music)

I suppose I was a little mad
for I devised a devilish plan.

It would take time,
patience, and daring,

but I would have my revenge.

My plan called for
me to find a house

which I could alter to
my own specifications.

I searched all over
London without any luck

until a chance remark
by a renting agent

about a rather large upstairs
room aroused my interest.

Although strangely
reluctant, he finally agreed

to show it to me.

The moment I saw it, I
knew my search had ended.

What on Earth was
this room used for?

- Yes, of course, you
have every right to know.

You see, after the
original owners left,

the house was used for the
sick, the mentally sick.

- In here?

- The more violent ones,
those who had to be restrained

were kept in here.

It was called the
Mad Room I'm told.

That's the purpose of
the barns and the rings.

It was soundproof so
the other patients

wouldn't be disturbed.

Of course, you can seal
it up and enjoy the rest

of this lovely house.

(Jack chuckles)

- Seal it?

The fool, this was
ideal for my plan.

That doesn't seem
such a terrible cause

for potential buyers
to turn the house down.

Was that the only
reason, Pendleton?

- Well, there were
also wild rumors

about a ghost.

- A ghost, how charming.

And what was this ghost
supposed to look like?

- The elderly lady in
the next house swears

it looks like, like,
like the Ripper.

- Oh, sounds like a wive's tale.

It's hardly likely
to trouble me,

so I am going to buy this
excellent property immediately.

(fanfare horn music)

I moved into my new
house as soon as possible

so I could begin
making alterations.

(lively music)

I worked endlessly for
a month to transform

the Mad Room into
my own purposes

making sure that each
detail fit perfectly

into the mechanism of my scheme.

(hammer thudding)

At last, the room was completed.

I named it The Snuggery, to
make it sound inviting and safe.

As I looked over the room
for the first time, I felt

a real sense of pride and
accomplishment in my work.

The only thing that
remained from the Mad Room

was the portrait
of Queen Victoria.

I quickly arranged for my
first photographic session

in the The Snuggery.

(lively lighthearted music)

(camera clacking)

(camera clacking)

(camera clacking)

(camera clacking)

(camera clacking)

(camera clacking)

(camera clacking)

(camera clacking)

(camera clacking)

(camera clacking)

(camera clacking)

(drumming music)

I must take more pictures
of Pam and Suzy together.

They're so uninhibited.

(chuckles) I'll make a
copy for Madame Helena,

her entire staff in action.

Where is that blasted towel?

Huh.

Thank you, Samson.

I think best erotic
study I've ever done.

Still I'm sort of
partial to Pam and Suzy,

those two darling girls.

Which one do you
like best, Samson?

Strange, I've never known him
to show a lack of interest

in these sort of
photographs before.

- Would Master like
to sample some cookies

I've just baked?

- Very strange indeed.

(lively orchestral music)

I had deliberately avoided
any contact with Alice

until The Snuggery
was ready for her.

Now, I could put my
plan into operation.

I correctly guessed she
would attend the new art show

at the Royal Gallery.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

Alice!

- Why, Jack Armstrong,
how nice to see you again

especially here
where we first met.

My sister Marion, remember?

- I was so sorry to
hear about Sir Cecile.

It must have been
a terrible shock.

- Yes, it was.

I've been so embarrassed
by my situation.

Imagine I've been engaged
but never married.

Why, who will have me now?

- (chuckles) Oh, now, now,
you're so beautiful, my dear.

I'm sure you'll soon
have many suitors

asking for your hand (chuckles).

By the way, if you and
Marion could spare some time,

why don't you come to my
new townhouse for high tea?

- New house?

- High tea.

- Yes, thank you.

- The first step in my plan
was easily accomplished.

Now, everything had to
appear normal and proper.

I kept serving them tea
and cucumber sandwiches

and the relaxed charm
I had suddenly acquired

when I became a rich man.

I even used my camera to
gain their confidence.

Oh, you both look marvelous.

Ready?

Now, take a deep breath.

(camera clacking)

And, don't move for 12 minutes.

(clock ticking)

But, Alice would
never come alone.

Alice.

- Good afternoon, Jack.

- If it wasn't Marion,
she would come with Fanny.

(upbeat orchestral music)

Now, hold still.

(camera clacking)

- Really, Jack, this posing
every time I come here

is getting to be a bore.

- (puffing) I had to act fast
before Alice lost interest

and stopped visiting.

I decided to use the
power of mesmerism

to put both of my
visitors under my will.

Follow the movement of
the stone with your eyes.

You are getting very sleepy.

Your eyelids are very heavy.

Close your eyes.

You must obey me.

Are you sleepy?

- No, but I'm
frightfully hungry.

Could I have a
cucumber sandwich?

- Oh, me too.

- I suppose you just aren't
good subjects for mesmerism.

Samson, serve the
cucumber sandwiches.

(dishes shattering)

In desperation,
(gentle music)

I decided to use a
powerful aphrodisiac,

man's most reliable
weapon for penetrating

the impregnable
walls of virginity.

I made sure that the
dose was powerful enough

to give the desired results.

It would be served in a
harmless-looking bottle

of elderberry wine.

When, on her next visit,
Alice arrived with Fanny

instead of Marion, I felt my
opportunity had finally come.

I received a delicious gift
from my maiden aunt today

which you must
sample before you go.

- Really?

- [Jack] Hmm.

Meanwhile, in the
pantry, Samson was busy

entertaining Fanny
at my expense.

(Samson grumbling)

- Would pass the cucumber
sandwiches, Jack?

They look so tempting.

- Of course.

I had another cucumber
in mind to tempt her

if she would only stop eating

so I could have the
elderberry wine brought in.

Suddenly, I saw a most
extraordinary sight.

(lighthearted music)

(water dripping)

- Watch what you're doing, Jack!

- Oh, I'm very sorry.

I was so engrossed in looking
at your beautiful dress.

- Why, thank you, Jack.

It's the latest
fashion from Paris.

(lighthearted music)

- My, you have developed a
sweet tooth, haven't you, Jack?

- Yes, I need it for energy.

I've been working very hard
in my photographic laboratory.

Would you like some?

- No thank you.

(lighthearted music)

(Jack spitting)

Really, Jack.

Sometimes your eating
manners are quite atrocious.

(Jack coughing)

What's wrong?

- Something, something
in my throat.

- You must be smoking too much.

Jack, are you feeling
your usual self?

- Well, I don't have
another self to feel.

- Well, you acted rather
strangely during tea.

I saw you turn pale
before my eyes.

- Just at the sight of
your beauty, my dear.

- Now, where's Fanny gone to?

Fanny, we're leaving now.

Fanny, where are you?

(Fanny grunting)

Fanny!

Fanny!

- Coming.

- I'll get her.

Fanny.

- [Fanny] Coming.

(loud knocking)

- Open the door, Samson.

- Good afternoon, Jack.

I'm afraid I had to come alone.

- Alone?

(pot shattering)

- I'm sorry, did I
startle my dear rabbit?

- Yes, no, well.

- Marion is ill today and
Fanny has gone to fetch

some medicine for her.

I only stopped by to
explain before picking up

some things for mother so
I must leave immediately.

- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

And, Samson has prepared

such lovely cucumber
sandwiches for you.

- Oh, really?
- Mmm.

- Well, perhaps just
for a few minutes.

- Yes.

I tried desperately to
think of a way to get Alice

into the The Snuggery.
(gentle music)

You know, Alice, you've never
seen my photographic studio.

Would you like to see it?

I'd be delighted to demonstrate

how I develop my photographs.

- Perhaps next week.

But, I really must
be going shortly.

- Oh, I forgot, I've just
acquired a stereopticon.

With it you can actually see
pictures in three dimension.

Wouldn't you like
to see how it works?

- I'd love to some
other time, Jack.

(thunder rumbling)

What was that?

- Sounds like we might
be getting a shower.

- I'm afraid I must
leave at once, Jack.

Would you mind showing
me to the door?

- Well, yes, of course, but...

Well, I'm sorry you have
to rush off so soon.

(thunder cracking)

- Oh dear!

I'm sorry, I'm a
horrid little coward

about a thunderstorm.

It just terrifies me.

(thunder cracking)

Oh, not again!

- Let's not give it
a second thought.

Come, let's go to my
photographic studio.

It's so quiet in there you
won't even know there's a storm.

- But, that's not proper.

(thunder cracking)

Oh!

Very well, Jack, but only
till the storm is over.

- Of course, my dear.

Right this way.

(door squeaking)

- [Alice] Is it far?

- No, just ahead.

- The Snuggery.

What a darling name.

What an inventive
man you are, Jack.

- Do you know, Alice, when
I decorated this room,

it was very much
with you in mind.

I hope it meets
with your approval.

(thunder cracking)

(delicate music box music)

Jack, the room is fantastic!

- This is one of the
first rooms in London

to be entirely lit
by electric light.

I have my own power
generator in the cellar.

- I never expected to
find a studio as pleasant

and as charming as this.

- I think that this
one came out very well,

yes, very well.

(pan shattering)

Damn!

I'm sorry.

- You seem to be very
nervous since we first came

into The Snuggery.

Am I the first lady who has
visited your sactum sanctorum?

- (mumbles) As it
happens, yes, you are.

- I thought so.

Such a rabbit.

How does this work?
(lighthearted music)

- I'll show you.

Now, first we insert this slide.

Then, oh, I think it best
for you to sit down to see it

on the couch.

- I don't see why.

- It's too technical
for me to explain.

Make yourself comfortable.

You're in for a very
exciting surprise.

Now, let me see, where
is the light source?

Over there.

Oh dear.

- What's the matter?

Doesn't it work?

- I'm afraid you won't see
a thing unless you lie back.

- Are you sure that's necessary?

- Absolutely.

There, I'll arrange the
pillow for your head.

There.

That's it.

- What am I going to see?

- [Jack] Unforgettable sights.

Now, hold this up to your
eyes, but close them first.

- Close them?

- For best results, keep
your eyes tightly shut

till I count to 10.

Now, close them.

Hold this.

One, two,

three, four,

five, six,

seven, eight,

nine, 10!

(pole thudding)

- Jack!

This is obscene,
vile, disgusting

and in bad taste.

How dare you show
that picture to me?

- Oh, well, but didn't you find

that it was quite interesting?

- Certainly not!

Where did you get it?

- I didn't get it.

I took it, of course.

- You?

I don't believe it.

- Oh, well, I have quite a
collection I could show you.

- Positively disgraceful.

And, what in Heaven's
name is that fool thing

lying on the couch?

- It was going to be a
surprise for you, Alice.

It's was going to serve
a very special purpose.

- Really?

And, what might that be?

- The violation of
your virtue, my dear.

The surrender to me
of your maidenhead.

- You must be mad to
speak to me like that!

Consider our
friendship suspended

until you've
recovered your senses.

- Alice, I'm not--

- Perhaps someday you
can suitably apologize

for this intolerable insult.

Meanwhile, I will trouble
you only to call me a cab

so that I may remove
myself from this place.

- So soon?

Isn't there a little
account to be settled

between us first for what you
did to me that day I proposed?

I loved you, Alice.

I loved you more
than life itself.

At the time you amused
yourself with my heart.

But, now in exchange,
I'm going to amuse myself

with your body.

(somber music)

- Jack Armstrong, you're
dangerously insane,

outrageously insulting,
and I refuse to stay here

and listen to you
a moment longer.

Let me out.

- You're a prisoner, Alice.

- Don't be absurd.

You've always been a prisoner

of this hypocritical
society of ours.

But, before long, I'll
have liberated you.

- Jack, you should
see a competent doctor

at the earliest convenience.

You're not well.

In fact, why don't we both
go together, right now.

- This moment has been
carefully planned.

I took this house solely
because of this room.

Let me show you.

Look!

♪ Dum dee dee

These for your lovely wrists,

made of the softest velvet
so they'll caress you,

not hurt you.

And, for the couch,
you've already seen
the restraining bar.

And, now watch what
happens with the couch

when I pull this switch.

(bars clattering)

Those were for
your lovely ankles.

And, now watch this.

(switch clanking)
(couch clattering)

Now, perhaps you can
guess its purpose.

- (gasps) Help!
(fists thudding)

Please somebody
let me out, help!

- I told you the
room was soundproof

and there's only
Samson to hear you,

which, of course,
he's unable to do.

- Oh, if only I were a man!

- If you were, I can assure
you this entire scene

would not be taking place.

Now, let's get to it.

(loud knocking)

- Uh!

- Open the door!

- Fanny!

- Thank the Lord you saw me
or I'd have drowned out there.

- I wasn't told to expect you.

- Never mind.

Where's Miss Alice?

- Miss Alice and Master
Jack are occupied.

- Uh, really?

- Let me help you out
of those wet things

before you catch a chill
and flood the whole house.

(lighthearted music)

- But, no!

(giggles)

Oh well.

(Samson grunting)

- Oh!

(both chuckling)

- Aw.

- [Both] Mmmm.

- Here's to an
unforgettable afternoon.

- This is all an absurd game
to teach me a lesson, Jack?

Well, you've made your point.

I'm sorry.

Now, please stop.

I don't want to play anymore.

- You've always played
a game with me, Alice.

But, this is the most
serious one I've ever played.

Well, Alice, what's
it going to be?

Will you submit quietly
and remorsefully

or do you prefer
that I force you?

- Never!

I defy you!

(lively chase music)

(Jack laughs)

Do your worst.

I'll fight you all the way.

You'll never enjoy a moment
of it, I promise you.

- (chuckles) I'm glad you've
taken this attitude, Alice.

Think of all the fun that
we might have missed.

Oh, no, not the '64!

It's still half full.

- It's all yours.

(bottle shattering)

- Oh, what a shameful waste.

- [Alice] (gasps)
Oh, oh, no, no!

- [Jack] Oh nobody get you.

- You'll never catch me, Jack.

- Oh, no?

- [Alice] No!

- That's what you think.

(ropes clattering)

(Alice screams)

- What's happening?

What are you doing to me, Jack?

- [Jack] Down a little.

There we are.
- Oh, God!

Oh stop, Jack.

Let me out of here!
(Jack chuckling)

- [Jack] Get these down.

- Oh no, no, no.

Oh, oh, Jack!

- There!

- No what...

Oh oh, what are
these things for?

Oh, oh.

Oh, Jack, let me out!
(Jack laughing)

(machine whirring)

- I've got you
just as I planned.

- Just you try to touch
me, Jack Armstrong!

- Forgive me, there
are a few features

of The Snuggery that I
haven't shown you yet.

(belts clanking)

- (gasps) Stop it!

(Jack laughs)

You must be mad!

- The motor's
electronically operated.

The latest thing.

(shock exploding)
(both gasping)

- Stop, the machine is
pulling me up into the air.

- Don't worry, I'll have
you right down again.

Some sort of short circuit.

(Alice gasps)
(Jack grunts)

- Stop it this instant!

(cries) Oh, oh, no.

This isn't funny, Jack.

My arms hurt.

(wires crackling)

- Oh dear.
(Alice shouting)

- Oh oh oh!
- See, here...

(Jack shouting)

- Oh, oh, oh, oh, Jack!

(machine clattering)

- [Jack] How did this happen?

- Oh, oh, uh, uh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, Jack, it's
all your fault.

Stop it before it kills us!

- Oh, keep calm.

I'll think of something.

I have a pocket knife here.

(Alice groaning)

- Oh oh, no, oh.

- About (chuckles).

(both groaning)

(lighthearted music)

- I'm hungry, Samson.

I'm hungry.

- So, am I.

In fact, I was
thinking of sampling

a tempting dish
right now (laughs).

(Fanny giggles)

- [Samson] Muh muh, muh,

muh, muh, muh.

Muh, muh, muh.

- Oh, I'm just mad
about cucumbers.

Mmm mmm.

(both grunting)

- [Jack] What's happening?

- [Alice] Oh, Jack, stop
it, I can't stand it!

- [Jack] How can I stop it?

I don't even know
how it got started.

- [Alice] Oh well, for God
sakes, use your head, can't you?

- [Jack] It says
it was guaranteed.

- [Alice] Well, this
is all your fault.

Use your head.

Oh, you got us here, we're
trapped now, I think.

- [Jack] What do you
mean, we're trapped?

- We're not, Alice.
- Of course we are.

Oh, Jack do something.

I'm feeling sick.

Please get me out of here.

(switch sputtering)
- I'm trying to do

everything I can.

- [Alice] You're not.

- [Jack] Easy does it.

Try to be calm.

- I can't be calm.

I'm feeling sick, Jack.

(both clattering)

Get me down before I faint.

Jack!

Jack!

You all right?

- Yes.

Just a slight headache.

- [Alice] Oh, oh.

Oh.

Oh, hurry, Jack.

(machine clacking)

- (sighs) There you are, Alice.

It does take adjustment
till the machinery

is working perfectly.

- Release me at once
or I promise you

that I shall have
the law after you.

- You may not think
it just now, Alice,

but some day you're going
to bless me for this.

- I'll kill you!

- Well, do you still
think I'm a rabbit now?

- No, you're more like a snake.

- [Jack] Mmm.

(Samson grunting)
(lighthearted music)

- [Fanny] Mmm, mmm, mmm.

- Mmm, mmm, mmm damn.

- What are you
going to do, Samson?

- I don't know
whether to come or go.

- (gasps) Jack, please don't.

(Jack chuckles)

Don't, I'll die of shame.

- Don't worry.

I don't think anyone has ever
died from that condition.

Oh no, your stays are
in the way, Alice.

That won't do at all.

- Oh, Jack, don't humiliate me.

- Humiliate?

You're much better
at that than I.

I'm going to admire you.

- Jack.

- [Jack] Hmm, what a
complicated business.

It's a wonder you
can breathe at all.

- Don't, Jack.

Don't pull the tie strings.

The tie strings, don't
pull them, please.

- Ha, the tie strings.

Oh, they're superb.

Unbelievably beautiful.

I knew they would be.

- Do you really think so?

- [Jack] Yes.

- Marion says they're too small.

- Oh, no.

Mmm.

- Jack, don't.

(loud knocking)

Oh dear!

Now, what?

- It's only Samson
with some refreshment.

(delicate music)

Samson, port for Miss Alice.

- Yes, sir.

- Don't go away.

I'll be right back.

- He's gone mad.

Your master's insane.

(Samson grunting)

Look what he's done!

Help me!

I know you can't hear, but
you can see what's happening.

The police, call the police.

Help me!

Oh, don't just stand there
grinning like an idiot.

Do something.

(soft thudding)

- [Jack] Mmm hmm.

- Ring if you need
anything, sir.

Keep up the good work, sir.

- Oh, men!

You're all the same.

Disgusting, vile,
lecherous brutes.

(both grunting)

Don't you dare undress me.

No, no!

- Very well, Alice, if you
insist upon being difficult,

there are many other ways
of getting your clothes off.

- Over my dead body.

- That's one way.

And, there are others, too.

I've got a little surprise
in store for you, Alice.

Right over here.
(light drumming music)

See, ah, here they are.

Now, will you undress yourself

or do I have to use these?

It means I'll cut your
lovely clothes into pieces

and you'll have to
go home stark naked.

And, it's rather nippy outside.

- You wouldn't dare!

- Oh, wouldn't I?

I'll start with your skirt.

- No, don't, Jack.

Well, since you
leave me no choice,

I'll do it.

Loosen my arms.

- That's being
much more sensible.

You might even enjoy
what's going to happen.

If you'll take the chance.

- I'm only doing what I'm
doing 'cause I'm forced to.

- Have it your own way.

(lively music)

(camera clacking)

- Well, it's done.

(camera clacking)

I hope you're satisfied.

- (gasps) Oh.

Well, do you feel
any different now?

- Yes, I feel a chill.

There's a frightful
draft in here.

- By Jove you're right.

Samson left in such a hurry,
he forgot to close the door.

But, I'll take care of it.

After I've put
away your clothes.

(sighs) 'Tis truly
a beautiful body,

as beautiful as a statue of
Venus, the goddess of love.

But, a living statue.

Your sensuous body has ached
to be admired and caressed,

hasn't it, Alice?

- Oh no, it's too
much like this.

I'm not just a object for
your passion and lust, Jack.

I'm a human being.

- You have passion
and lust, too, Alice.

Admit it.

- No!

A lady doesn't.

- Poor Alice.

I understand it isn't easy
to break all these years

of hardened virginity
in a mere moment.

I assume after all this
trouble on my part,

that you are a virgin.

- Yes, damn you!

- So then, our lessons must
begin at the beginning.

(lively violin music)

(Alice giggles)

I must confess,
Alice, I didn't think

you were going to
enjoy it this quickly.

- I don't, I'm just so
dreadfully ticklish there.

(giggles)

- Oh, here?

- (laughs) Yes, yes, don't.

- And, here?

- (gasps) No, Jack!

I am not ticklish there.

(loud knocking)

- [Officer] Open up!

- Oh, Samson.
- The police.

Answer in the name of the law.
- Someone's banging now.

- Yeah, yeah (grunts).

- Samson.
(lighthearted music)

(loud knocking)

Someone else is banging.

The door.

- No!

(grunts)

- The door.

- Oh, the door.

- Uh huh.

- The law?

(loud knocking)

- [Officer] Open up in
the name of the law!

(loud knocking)

(thunder cracking)

- A crown warrant for
the entire premises.

A search warrant signed by
the Honorable Judge Pettibone.

- I can't hear a word that
you've been saying, sir.

And, I haven't mastered
reading your lips.

(lighthearted music)

Kindly write your
business on this pad.

- Judge Pettibone has
ordered us to search

for The Ripper.

Do you understand?

Jack The Ripper.

Oh, give me the bloody pen.

(upbeat harpsichord music)

Where is the cellar?

- [Samson] Huh?

- The cellar.

- Oh, the cellar.

This way.

(upbeat harpsichord music)

- [Officer] Open in
the name of the law!

(loud knocking)

- What about me?

- [Jack] Hmm?

Oh.

- Don't let them
find me like this.

I'd die of shame.

- Don't worry.

They'll be gone soon now.

- But, what shall I do
if they come over here?

- Act like a statue
and don't make a sound.

(loud knocking)

Hmm.

- Jenkins, search
that side of the room

and don't miss anything.

I'm sorry, sir, but
every old lady in London

claims to have seen him.

(upbeat orchestral music)

The next thing you know,
someone will have me

questioning the Prince of Wales.

(both laughing)

Oh, fantastic.

I've never seen an
aspidistra magnipinna erectus

this size before.

- What a fine portrait
of Her Majesty.

Her eyes look so real.

They seem to follow
you around the room.

- I trust you found everything
satisfactory, gentlemen.

- Please excuse our
interruption to your work, sir.

Your photographic portraits
are truly works of art.

- Oh, thank you, sir.

- I must say, is a
magnificent specimen

you have there, sir.

- Oh, uh, uh, do I?

- Yes, of course.

But, I must say, between
us that that Greek statue

behind us is in poor taste.

- I know that, but it's a gift

from an eccentric
rich uncle, you see.

- Oh, I understand.

Yes.

- Samson will see you out.

- Yes.

Good day, sir.

(lively orchestral music)

- Don't you dare to touch
me again, Jack Armstrong.

- I have no intention of
touching you again, Alice.

Unless you wish me to.

(door creaking)

Anyhow, I think this little
gadget will be the answer

to your problem.

(bells tinkling)

- What is it?

- Isn't it a beauty?

It was originally invented
by one Wong Twang,

royal engineer to the Emperor
Ying in the 3rd century.

Clever those Chinese.

Also invented
spaghetti, you know.

- What's in that black pipe?

- That's the most important part

of the whole invention from
which it derives its name.

(birds chirping)

It's called the Chinese Tickler.

- Oh, no, not that, Jack.

It'll kill me.

I couldn't stand it.

- Oh, nonsense.

It's just what you need.

And, they say it never fails.

- Really?

- Yes, and no dirty male
hand is going to violate

your chaste state.

(bells tinkling)

- Oh no, I'm afraid.

- But I'm not going
to hurt you, Alice.

Just the contrary.

Relax and close your eyes.

(birds chirping)

Let your body say yes or no.

(machine clacking)

Oh.

Mmm.

(coughs)

Ooo ah.

Ooh there.

- Oh, no, Jack, I can't please.

(lively comical music)

- You'll love it,
Alice, you'll love it.

(Alice laughing)

You see?

(Jack laughing)

Listen to your body.

It's wonderful, isn't
it, it's wonderful.

(both laughing)

That's it, Alice, enjoy it.

Let yourself go.

Yes, nature's naked core.

- Oh, no, please, Jack,

no, no, no.
- Yes.

- No, no, no, no, no.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes.

- No, no, no, oh yes!
- Hallelujah!

(machine whistling)

(gentle harp music)

- You never did learn to
control yourself, Jack.

Now you've gone mad,
just as I said you would.

(gentle harp music)

- But, you, my son,
haven't listened

to your father's advice.

You're giving in to your lust.

You're about to deflower
a defenseless maid.

Control yourself, Jack.

(fingers snapping)

(switch clacking)

(bar rattling)

(bars buzzing)

Control yourself.
(gentle harp music)

- That poor girl.

Control yourself.

- Control yourself.

(somber music)

- You're right, Alice,
this is beastly of me.

I can't do this to you.

It's degrading, disgusting,

and in bad taste.

Forgive me, Alice.

- I knew it.

Having exposed me, mauled me,
heaped indignities upon me,

at the last minute you prove
to be a rabbit after all.

- I'll show you if I'm
a rabbit or not, Alice.

(lighthearted music)

- What's cooking, my dear?
(Fanny gasps)

- Oh, Samson.

- [Both] I just whipped
up a little trifle

to surprise you.

- Is there an echo in here?

(Samson chuckles)

Oh, Samson, put me down
or my batter will fall.

- I must hurry, my dear,
or my batter will fall.

(both chuckling)

Oh, I just love buns.

- Oh (chuckles).

- Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.

(door creaking)

(cart clattering)

- [Alice] What in
Heaven's name is that?

- Be patient.

You'll soon know all about it.

In fact, I dare say
you'll never forget it

as long as you live, if
you force me to use it.

- You're not going to
hurt me, are you, Jack?

- Alice, this remarkable
machine was originally invented

in Russia by Dr. Sergei
Popov for none other

than Catherine the Great.

Hence, its popular name
the Czarina's Delight.

I, of course, have added
a few modern improvements.

Let me demonstrate them.

- Must you?

(machine clattering)

- I think you'll
find it educational.

(machine clattering)

(machine whirring)

(bell ringing)

- Oh, no, it's, it's monstrous.

- Alice, I've decided not
to force myself on you

so you must choose between
submitting voluntarily

to me or possibly to
the Czarina's Delight.

Well?

Well?

Hmm?

- Do I have any other choice?

(lighthearted music)

(water splashing)

- That reminds me, I must
polish up the doorknobs.

- (chuckles) That reminds me,
I must finish up the sausage.

- Well, it's time to
begin the final movement

of this afternoon's
concerto for two.

- What do you mean?

- You know very
well what I mean.

Are you going to fight me again?

- How could I, a mere girl?

I'm no match for a strong,
virile man like you, Jack.

- Then we don't need these.

(machine clattering)

- Ah, oh.

- Shall we begin?

(somber music)

- I don't know why I ask
but, when you love me

let me think I'm your wife.

In fact, let's pretend
it's our wedding night.

Is that asking too much?

- I could never deny you
anything, your dreams included.

- Husband.

- My wife.

(glasses clinking)

Here.

(chuckles)

Oh, have you ever
seen it, Alice, wife?

- What, husband?

- A man fully unclothed.

An alive, mature man.

- Why no, never.

- Well, there's nothing to fear.

Are you ready?

- Yes!

- Good.

Uh, I hope you won't
be disappointed.

- Why, it's extraordinary!

- Oh, well, it may perhaps
be above average, but...

- I'm not as shocked
as I thought I'd be.

- Oh, are you pleased?

- Please, husband, don't
ask me to speak further.

(romantic music)

What?

- May I learn something
about my wife?

- You are my husband.

Oh, darling, darling,
why did you wait so long?

All that tea, all those
cucumber sandwiches.

Why don't you take
me and crush me?

- But, Alice, you were so cold.

You gave me no encouragement.

And, there was Sir Cecile.

But, that's all changed now.

You shall be mine.

Well, do you still think
I'm a rabbit or a snake?

- A lion, rather!

(giggles)

- Are you ready, Alice?

- My wife.

- My, my wife.

- Yes, love me.

Love me now.

(groans)

(switch clacking)

(machine rustling)

(couch humming)

(lively orchestra music)

Oh darling, what a sensation.

Just like I'm
rising up to Heaven.

(couch rustling)
- Yes.

(couch thudding)

- Oh, my husband.

Now, I know what it really means

to fall in love.
(couch rustling)

- Me too.

(Alice moaning)

(couch rustling)

(switch clacking)
Oh.

(couch rustling)

Oh, oh, my sweetheart.

I feel the whole
world is shaking.

(couch rustling)

- Me too.

(Alice moaning)

(couch rustling)

(couch clattering)

- Darling, that hurt.

(couch whirring)

- Oh darling, I feel the whole
world is spinning around me.

- Me too.

(both moaning)

Lover, come back, come.

- Come, I'm coming!

(both groaning)

(switches crackling)

(couch thudding)

- Oh, Jack, that was
absolutely fantastic.

- Uh, really?

- I never dreamt it could be
so exciting, so thrilling.

- Me too.

(gentle music)

It had been a long
tiring afternoon,

but a very satisfying one.

And, Alice had changed
from a cold maiden

into a warm woman.

- Oh, Jack.

How fortunate it is
for me to have found

the most immoral man in London.

- (chuckles) Oh, there are
hundreds of them out there

hiding behind their
morning coats and teacups.

- But, never you.

Without your courage.

Well, why did you get dressed?

- Well, I thought you
wanted to get home.

After all Marion's ill
and there's purchases

to make for your mother.

- Home?

You spent all that time with
me just for one little lesson?

- But, but, Alice,
I never realized--

- You have a very
ardent pupil, teacher.

So, come on, teach me more.

(both grunting)

- Alice, Alice.
- What's wrong, Jack?

You wanted me to learn

to enjoy it.
- Please careful.

Must the pupil
educate the teacher?

- Class is dismissed for today.

Where the devil is that key?

- I have it, Jack.

- You?

Samson!
(fists thudding)

Help!

- It will do no good to
scream or pound on the door.

The room is soundproof and
only Samson could hear,

and he, of course, is deaf.

- But, the, the couch!

You let me make love to you.

- Because I chose to, Jack.

Did you really think you
could force me to do anything

I didn't want to do?

Or deny me anything
I really want?

And, right now I want you.

(Jack groans)

Oh, yes.

- Now?
(lively orchestral music)

- Yes.
- Now, I'm--

- [Alice] Stop!

Uh uh.
- Doesn't anything?

Alice.

Oh Alice, have mercy.
- Yes.

- I'm tired.
- No, no, oh no, Jack.

- Please don't do it, Alice.

- No, ah.
- No, I eh...

(Alice shouting)

(Alice laughing)

- [Jack] Alice, please.

(gentle music)

After that fateful afternoon,
Alice gave me no rest

or peace of mind until I
made her an honest woman.

Being a Victorian
gentleman, I had no choice

but to reluctantly agree.

I felt like Dr. Frankenstein
trapped by the monster

I had created myself.

- Ladies and gentlemen, I
wish to propose a toast.

To Her Majesty the Queen.

(dishes clattering)
- Ah!

To the Queen.

Long may she rise, uh, reign.

(church bells ringing)

(birds chirping)

I often wonder who trapped
whom that afternoon

in The Snuggery.

(upbeat orchestral music)

(all giggling)

- [Woman] Oh no.

(all laughing)

(bed thudding)

Oh oh oh oh!

Oh ho ho oh oh oh.

(all laughing)

Oh oh oh.

(lively orchestral music)

(all laughing)

Oh, oh, oh, oh.