All language subtitles for Monsoon.Wedding.2001.1080p.BluRay.REMUX.AVC.DTS-HD.MA.5.1-4K4U-English

Dubey!

- Dubey!
- Not here.

Not here yet? He's an impossible fellow!

Nearly 11:00. How to fix this?

Pimmi, please bring the phone.

Darling, you want something else, huh?

- Tea? Nimbu pani?
- No, no.

That bloody bastard Dubey hasn't come yet.

He wants money but doesn't want to work.

Dubeyji? Lalit Verma, who else?

Very kind of you to answer.

What's going on? No sign of anyone.

Alice? Alice?

Fry the pakoras. Tea for the master. Hurry!

Pimmi, I'm sorry to say,
but Lalit takes on too much tension.

It's not good.

You've seen all these young, young men
getting heart attacks these days.

God forbid it! The wedding is so soon.

And Lalit is doing
everything single-handedly.

Hundreds of things to get tense about.

The marigold gate is falling apart.

The flowers are everywhere.
What's going on?

No need to get so upset, sir.

Flowers? What's a few flowers?

For you, I'll bring
Kashmir's Mughal garden.

Just say the word.

I'm stranded in a traffic jam.

Enough! Get here on the double.

- Ten minutes, exactly and approximately.
- Uh-huh.

I can't phone and drive.

What's the idiot up to?

Turn it left, left, left.

You'll spoil the decorations also.

- Don't even know how to drive?
- I've only got one hand to drive with.

Who told you to break your hand
at this time? Idiot.

- Where were you?
- I went to the airport to get your sister and her husband.

- So where are they?
- I didn't see them.

You're incredible.

- Didn't see them? What do you mean you didn't see them?
- I don't even know what they look like.

So why couldn't you hold up a placard
saying “Mr. and Mrs. Tej Puri from US.A.”?

They could have seen you.

- Why are you yawning so much?
- 'Cause I've hardly slept...

and not to mention I got back
from Australia just yesterday.

Ah, you young people.

What do you need to sleep so much for?

- Have you found out what time the flight is coming?
- Yeah, about 9:00.

- So make sure you're there on time. And take this car only, okay?
- Okay.

- And don't put on the A.C. when you're going to receive them.
- Yeah. Chill.

Only put it on when you have received them.
And park this car somewhere else!

- Chill.
- And take off that stupid topee.

Where are those girls? Oh.

Oh, God, Varun.
What are you doing, beta?

Why haven't you got ready?
Didn't you hear Papa?

- He's getting so angry.
- Ma, it's the last step.

Last step. Coconut curry, Ma.

No, no, beta. Come on. Hurry up.
Now don't give me a hard time. Come on.

And this TV - You know, I'm so sick of it.
Take this off.

- Come on. Hurry up.
- Ma, what are you doing? I'll do it myself.

What “wear it yourself”?
I'll wear it myself.

The guests are on their way.

- Did you change your underwear? Hmm?
- Ma!

What “Ma”?

Did you? Out with the truth!

- Or you're wearing dirty ones from yesterday?
- Ma.

I just hope they're not smelling.
You're such a silly little boy.

- “Little”?
- Oh, God!

Just because India has gone global..

Should we embrace everything?

What about our ancient culture?

Our tradition? Our values?

You are saying censorship is unnecessary.

- Absolutely unnecessary.
- So what is your response, Mr. Bhatt?

Let's take the example of America.
The First Amendment -.

This is not America.
This is India.

These are our laws,

Change the constitution,
then censorship will follow.

What do you think?

Just because you wear
handloom and you speak in Hind...

that you represent the common man?

Well, you don't.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome...

one of our top dubbists in Delhi,
Shivani Tanakiya.

Shivani, let's hear
some dialogue from the new script.

Go ahead, please.

Give it to me.

Come on.

More, big boy. More.

I like it like that.

Big boy, I like it.

Give me more.

Come inside me.

Give it to me.

Come!

- This is what the common man hears.
- So, somebody enjoying sex.

So what's the problem?

We have to take a short break,
ladies and gentlemen...

but please stay tuned to Delhi.com.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- How have you been?
- Fine.

Are you happy?

Yeah.

I miss you.

Oh, hi, Aditi.

I'm sorry.
We"re starting in 20 seconds.

- I'll be right there.
- Okay.

Sorry.

I have to go.

Call me.

- Aditi, why are you doing this?
- Doing what? What am I doing?

I don't think you're ready for marriage.

- I just want to settle down.
- So what do you do?

Get married to some guy
selected by Mummy, Daddy?

You've barely known him
for a couple of weeks.

You are so mature, Aditi.

I can't wait around to see if Vikram's wife
is ever going to agree to divorce him.

I've read too many magazines, Ria.
I know it may never happen.

Do you get all your life's directions
from fucking Cosmopolitan?

Don't get so superior with me.

But we're family, and I can tell you
what I think, and I will.

That's right.

My older, unmarried Cousin Ria.

Now, what would she know about passion?

I didn't mean that, didi.

For all this talk of passion,
how about marrying for love, Aditi?

If he wants the works...

then he must get the cash out.

The one-rupee era is over.

Tea anyone?

Four teas.

- King Dubey!
- At your service.

Gracing us with your presence?

Your daughter is my daughter.
Why worry?

The wedding is in four days.

Today, the engagement.

The groom is on his way.

- Want me to lose face?
- Important call. Call my pager, damn it!

More important things to do?

Now you're an event manager.

- Fix this now!
- Yadav!

Tameez-ud-din!

Lottery!

Get down. Fix it!

Insolent bums!
Want tea, do you? To work!

- I want this done now!
- Right away!

I want it fixed just now!

- Hi, Uncle!
- Hi, beta.

There's a Tempo
right in the middle of the driveway.

- King Dubey, move your van.
- Move the van!

- Where have you been?
- We had to go to the tailor, and then we had to give cards.

- Those people are about to arrive. You haven't even got dressed yet!
- Two seconds, Papa.

- Come on. Hurry up.
- You're looking very handsome today.

- Yes, I know. Handsome.
- Papa!

- Hurry up and get ready.
- How lovely!

Take it easy.

- What are you doing here?
- Just chilling'.

“Just chilling.” Idiot.

- We're back.
- Hi, Mom. We're back.

No, Ma.

I'll stop at the temple.
It may get late.

No, I won't eat at home.
I'll come late.

You can pack the food in the tiffin.

Forgive me.

Ma, leave the worrying
about the stock market to me.

I can deal with it.

Twelve rupees a minute
calling me on the mobile. Hang up.

- Aliya? God, what are you doing here?
- You know...

I saw cousin Aditi
naked, and I almost saw you naked too.

You're so disgusting. Get out now. Out.

- Out!
- What does this word mean?

- How come you're so irritating?
- How come you're still unmarried?

Enough. Get dressed for the engagement.

Hello, sweetie.

What is it, my child?

What does this word mean?

In God's name...

what on earth is written here?

- It's “uxorious.”
- Huh?

- It's “uxorious.”
- Uxorious?

There is no such word, my child.

It's a spelling mistake.

There should be an
“L” here. It's “luxurious.”

Oh. So that you
are facing this way as barman?

I'm facing - I'm the barman. I'm
facing this way, and this acts as a roof.

Yes. No need to be so happy
about being a barman.

You're not supposed to touch
even one drop of the stuff. Understand?

- Okay.
- Barman should be absolutely sober.

- Keep this list. Make sure the servants don't swipe anything, huh?
- All right.

And make sure all these bottles are there, and
make small drinks for everybody, not too large.

- Okay.
- The white wine and - The whiskey hasn't come yet! Uday was supposed to bring it.

- Brought the whiskey?
- What do you think?

We got real scotch from Uday's client.

Thank you, Sona. So nice of you.

- Hi, lalu Uncle.
- Hello, beta. Why aren't you staying with us?

- I have to study for my exams.
- I hope my little Aliya didn't trouble you.

No, she's such a little delight.

Anyone about?

Let's take the whiskey in.

Australian idiot - you!

Pick it up and take it in.

- Kuku, this is too much. This is no time for family members to arrive.
- It's only 4:00.

We're hardly
late. You get tense for nothing.

Just relax! Ayesha...

this is C.L. Uncle
and Shashi Auntie's son Rahul, yeah?

- They live in Dubai. Yeah.
- Masqat, actually.

Yeah, Masqat. Masqat. Okay.

- You have a tattoo.
- Yeah.

Huh? Talk fast. Can't catch the network.

Huh? Let me come down.

One minute!

Speak. No, no, no.

Yes, I'll be there.

That's correct. Take the advance.

Okay. Bye.

Life's such a comedy.

No signal up there.
But there's one down here.

You know...

The virtuous virgin look really suits me.

I think your
cousin Rahul would really like it.

You have to know this.

I heard your mother tell him and sister
that your bra size was 36 “C.”

- Why would she do that?
- Sorry to say, but it's 32 “A.”

I know that,
but we can't tell them it's 32 “A.”

Breasts like baby mangoes.

Pimmi, come on.

The groom!

The groom's here!

Oh, shit.

Welcome. Welcome.

Congratulations, Mr. Rai!

Thank you. Thank you.

Varun!
This is Pimmi's brother from Masqat.

Rahul. Idiot. Come here!

- Welcome. Welcome.
- Hi, everybody!

It's okay. It's okay.

- Hello, ji!
- Namaste!

Ah. Namaste. Namaste.

Hello, young man. How are you?

- Have you got the blue box?
- Alice? Alice?

- So, excited, huh?
- Alice!

Soon to be in family way!

- So, you like India?
- Yeah.

Better than Houston, no?

Good, good, good.
India needs young men like you.

Yes, yes. Of course. Computer engineers
are India's biggest export.

Am I a coolie or what?

Rai-sahib,
what would you like to drink?

Scotch, please, on the “rockiolis.”

- “Rockiolis” means ice?
- Two lumps, exactly.

- Exactly.
- Thank you.

I'll have the same, thanks.

Uh, “rockioli.”

Uh, Rahul. Two whiskeys here. Huh?

Two cubes of ice exactly.

Oh, my goodness. Look at you!

Oh, how lovely you look.

- Namaste.
- Namaste.

Rockioli, rockioli.
Here. Mrs. Rai over there. Rockioli.

Pay your respects to Grandmother.

- Hi. Congratulations.
- Hi.

Look what I have for you.

Know why God arranged
your marriage in a hurry?

I told him I had to see a great-grandson
before dying. He heard me!

How beautiful!

So fair and lovely.

Say hello to Hemant.

- Hi.
- Hi. How are you?

Fine.

Enough!

Give them some privacy, na?

You know, I met C.L.
only once, and we got married right away!

I must have another drink.

Don't you feel like getting married?

Rahul, idiot, come here.

Here. Come here
and hold the camera. Listen.

Look at them.
How handsome Hemant is.

Come on. Put it on. Camera on!

On the ring! On the ring!

Sweeten your mouths, my dears.

Thank you.

Just in time!

My dear brother-in-law!

Look at him.

This is Varun? He's almost a young man.

How did you manage? I sent this
Rahul to fetch you at the airport.

- He told me the flight was late.
- No, it was not late.

Nobody was there at the airport,
so we took a cab and came.

- You had to take a cab?
- It's okay.

Rahul, you idiot, I sent you
to the airport to receive them.

You come back and tell me
the flight was late?

What a complete idiot!

He's been working
day and night. He doesn't know India.

Bloody number one most stupid duffer.

I'm sorry to say, but I don't like this.

Calls my son an
idiot, then calls him a duffer.

Who does he think he is?
I'm not coming back to India.

Rai-sahib, this is Mr. Tej Puri,
married to my sister Vijaya.

After my older brother
Surinder bhai-sahab passed away...

Tej Puriji has been the head of the family.

He has really looked after us.
Come and meet Hemant.

- Yes. Excuse me.
- Uh-huh. Please.

Excuse me.

It's such a pleasure to meet you.

My naughty niece, couldn't you wait?

You know how difficult it was to
get tickets at this time of the year?

Difficult or not, we would have brought
you here first-class if we had to.

We couldn't have had the shaadi
without you, my darling sister.

Nothing would have stopped us.

Ria.

Is that you? Come here.

Come here. Come here.

God bless. Very good.

The motherfucker
doesn't have a dime to his name...

and he wants the White House theme
for his daughter's wedding!

How the fuck will that happen?

The swine hasn't any shit in him...

and he invites other pigs for dinner!

What?

- We need more ice.
- What?

Ice.

I've told them once.

I've told them a thousand times
they'll need ice.

They never listen.

Now what?

Do you need some water?

Water?

Okay.

Fridge water or tap water?

Fridge water.

Thank you.

Shut up, you assholes!

Puriji, would you like a cigar?

Puriji, would you like a cigar?

- I quit.
- Quit?

America makes everyone quit smoking.

The Rais are so cultured.

- Very cultured family.
- Uh-huh!

Speak a little English
and you become a very cultured family.

- Mr. Mohan “Rao”!
- Rat!

Tej bhai-sahab,
I wanted to talk to you about Ria's plans.

Ria, come here a minute, beta, please.

Ria wants to study
in America. So - Is that so?

- We're hoping you could perhaps give her some advice.
- What do you want to do, beta?

Ji, I'm applying
for creative writing programs.

- She wants to be a writer.
- Very good.

Have you thought of the budget? Where
do you think the money will come from?

From my teacher's salary?

Make her understand.

Why can't she be like Aditi
and do the right thing at the right time?

But - Lots
of money in writing these days.

That girl who won the Booker Prize...

became an overnight millionaire!

Absolutely! Just one book.
And who knows? It might happen.

Ria, you must go to the States.

- You know Umang is also there.
- Ah! Oh.

- You must give us his phone number.
- He's coming here tonight.

We are hoping that Ria and Umang
will like each other.

Two weddings in one!

- What are the chances of getting hooked?
- Bad. Bad.

I have another joke. Non-vegetarian!

Save the jokes for the sangeet.
He'll be the M.C., na, at the sangeet.

Very good.

Let me start rehearsing then.

Oh! See? Oh!

Papa!

What's your problem anyway?

Just go! Can't I have some
bloody privacy in my own house?

It's my house too, you know.

- Hey. Varun, what happened to you?
- Nothing.

Mrs. Mehta speaking. Who's this?

Okay, okay. I have an announcement to make.

I'm thinking that
if Ria wants to study in America...

I will fund her entire education.

No, no.

No, no, no, no. No arguments. No arguments.

This is my family.

I won't listen to you or to Ria's mother.

See, Lalit, Ria is a sensible girl.

If she wants to write,
we must encourage her.

- But that's not what I meant.
- I can still work.

This is final'
We'll talk about it later, okay?

Now you tell us what needs
to be done for the wedding.

Absolutely. Now, you don't
have to worry about anything.

- We are here. We'll take care of everything.
- Anything. Anything.

Oh, my God. I don't know what to say.

But this is enough for me
that we are all here together.

My God, huh? Pimmi, it's wonderful, na”
After so many years.

After Surinder bhai-sahab passed away...

I think this is the first time
the whole family is here together.

Ria. Ria, Ria.

Huh? Hey. Come.

Don't cry. I know you are missing him.

We are all missing your father.

But he's here with us.

Your papa's hand will always be
on this family. Always.

Always goes only in our house!

- This is India's big problem.
- Dubey!

Dubey!

Alice, has the fuse blown?

Alice! Get the phone.

- I'll get the phone.
- Rahul. Hey, Rahul.

- Go and start the generator.
- I don't even know where it is.

- Behind the house, idiot.
- Come, I'll show you.

Hello? Umang?
Yeah, yeah. Just hold on a sec.

- It's very unclear.
- Hello? Hello, Umang?

When are you arriving?

Yes, yes. She's here,
swinging on my shoulders.

Hello? Hello? The line's cut.

Sisterfucker, what a pain!

Ay!

All the fuses have blown.

- Pardon?
- Pardon?

Which is the house fuse?

This one?

I'll fix it right away.

The light, a little closer, please.

A little to this side, please.

A little lower.

Your shadow is in the way.

A little closer.

- You think you can handle it?
- Yeah, sure.

Trying to say something?
It's hot today.

Switch it on. The power is back.

What a silly asshole I am.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Well, I'm glad I got some exercise.

All I've been doing is
eating and eating and eating.

“Eat, Son. Eat!”

I'm sorry I had to
wake you up this early though...

but this is the only time
we're gonna have on our own.,

There's just so many ceremonies.

I don't even know
who's who half the time.

I know what you mean.

- I wanted to talk to you about our -
- Here's the coffee, ma'am.

Thank you. Do you want something?

- I'll have a salt lassi, please.
- Yeah. Sure, I'll get it.

Thank you.

I want to know what's on your mind.

Sleep. That's all
that's on my mind right now.

I saw you with your family yesterday.

You guys are so close.

Sometimes...

I worry about how it will be
for you in America.

You might just feel so alone.

I'm sure I can handle it.

It'll be really nice to get away
from this damn place.

- Why? You don't like Delhi?
- No, I love India.

I mean, I don't care.
America's gonna be new for me anyway.

My fiancée.

Sorry. I'm just not a morning person.

Vicky, is it okay if I
join the four-ball today?

No, no, no.
I'll be there 100%.

I'll be there. Yeah. Don't worry.

Okay, bye.

Pimmi.

Pimmi.

What are you doing inside?

Nothing.

“Nothing.” I know very well
what you're doing.

- Come on now. Come on now. I have to get ready.
- One minute.

What is it?

If you must hide and smoke,
at least use a better air freshener.

I was a little tense.

Tense? What are you tense about? You're going
shopping. I'm the one who should be tense.

Well, I'm doing it for our darling
daughter, na? You saw how much they gave us.

We can't look bad in front of our in-laws.

We'll look very good with you
smoking in front of them.

Well, doesn't Saroj drink?

Anyway, just let me go and do it, okay?

Well, Pimmiji goes shopping again.

And I'm telling you, it's gonna cost us.

So what? I'll arrange the money, na,
like I've been organizing everything else.

Acha.

You've organized everything else?

Who's been nonstop on her toes for days?
Just tell me that.

Some gratitude.

Oh, we are so grateful, dear Pimmi.

Thank you so much for working
so hard for your daughter's wedding.

Wait! Take off your curlers at least.

This wedding is driving me crazy!

Today will be a long day.

It's hot, too, after all that rain.

May I have...

a glass of water?

I'm very thirsty.

What is your good name?

- Alice.
- Alice.

It's an English name.

- Where are you from?
- Bihar.

What's your name?

Parbatlal Kanhaiyalal Dubey.

Ji.

But I've changed it to P.K. Dubey.

But it makes people laugh.
In the city, they call me Dubeyji.

Parbatlal is a nice name.

They're newly printed.

I'm into event management.

It has the address to send mail
through the computer.

Mmm. E-mail?

You know about it? Yes. Yes.

Keep it. Take some more.

This is fine.

- Ji.
- Ji.

- Tell me you love me.
- Ji?

Have you seen the movie
Tell Me You Love Me?

Yes.

- What happened?
- Nothing happened.

I must be going.

Tell me something.

How many weddings
have I organized so far?

At least 150 or 175.

How come I'm not married yet? Hmm?

My poor mother has grown old saying...

“Son, get me a daughter-in-law.”

Now I've done my thinking.

I'll put an end
to my lonesome, vagabond life.

I'll find myself a decent, simple girl...

and begin life as a family man.

The hope now is that
the next tent Dubey puts up...

has Dubey entering as the groom.

Bravo!

I swear, pure genius!

Motherfucker.

Do I pay you to sit on your ass?
Get to work!

Dubey!

Shit! Dubey!

Coming, sir.

Not a minute of peace.

Yes, sir?

This is the limit. A white tent?

- Yes, sir?
- Dubey.

A white tent?

- Yes, sir.
- What's this “yes, sir'?

What's with the white tent?

This is the fashion these days.
Millennium style. Y2K dot.

Smart-ass!

A white tent!
Is this a wedding or a funeral?

I only have one daughter.
I don't want a white tent.

Put up a colorful tent.

- Red, yellow, green, blue.
- Okay. Yadav!

Get this down. It's not wanted.

- He wants the old look.
- Get it down.

What about the waterproofing?

It was never discussed.

What do you mean, Dubey?

The peacocks have stopped dancing.
It won't rain.

Peacocks? You've been smoking pot?

Okay, sir. Advance.

Advance? What for?

For waterproofing, meaning more money.

In foreign countries, deal is deal.

Look, sir.

See, everything in
foreign style. In writing.

The number of plates and spoons.

But no waterproofing.

You want more? Pay more.

Deal is deal.

How much?

- $5,000.
- Huh?

Exactly and approximately.

I'm not a nonresident Indian.

Your garden is huge.
Well, your daughter is my daughter.

Advance, sir.

Today we work. Tomorrow, holiday.
Strike, day after.

- Then our wedding.
- This is all I have now.

I'll give you the rest later.

This won't pay for a thing.

Thank God it's air-conditioned.

- ...Everything is air-conditioned.
- I'm just going to have a -.

- What does she want?
- Ma, just one.

You'll fall sick. A Popsicle, now?

This one's for Hemant's sister.

You bought one for his cousin in Bangalore?

So many cousins!

Look at this silk sari.

So smooth, even a fly could slide on it.

Once your eyes behold its beauty,
the fly has gone.

It's too gaudy.

By God, fabulous.

- Who's the bride?
- She's having a Popsicle outside.

Aditi.

What are you doing?
They're waiting for your approval inside.

Come!

I don't really know how
Hemant thinks, what he expects of me.

So then call him instead of Vikram.

Now please go inside before those aunties
come out and start dancing on our head.

Thank you.

Hey, you want a lift, baby?

Aliya, go and sit.

Now maybe, didi, we can try
the sitting step, and then the turn and...

Hi, sexy.

- Hey.
- So, Sydney boy, can you move to this?

What's going on, guys?

Come on, didi. That's enough.

God.

Not more interruptions!
We'll never get this right.

What is it, Rahul? We're rehearsing
for the sangeet. What do you want?

Put them properly. Over there.

All right.

Not a single flower in place yet.

I knew it. She's a thief!

Motherfucker.

Motherfuckers!
She's not stealing. Fucking assholes!

Lalit and Sam
are partners, and Vicky and me.

Let's take them on, partner.

That's a great shot, partner.

- Thanks, Rajeev.
- Great shot there. Good shooting.

Thank God we're partners.

I have to talk to you
about something, Rajeev.

You don't come
to golf these days. Where have you been?

I'm busy with my daughter's wedding. Uh...

Rajeev, I was
wondering if, uh - How's Pimmi?

How's Pimmi?

- Pimmi's fine, fine.
- How are the preparations going?

Preparations? First-class.

But, uh, Sam,
I'm having a cash-flow problem.

I was hoping to borrow some money
just to tide over this wedding expense.

- How much do you need, pal?
- $12,000.

When do you think
you'll be able to return it, partner?

Next month. I have a huge shipment
going to Macy's next month.

Hey, guys, Mr. Verma here has got
some serious cash-flow problems.

A daughter's wedding, that's what happens.

Thank God I don't have
any daughters. Or I'd be wiped out.

- But you've got a high-maintenance wife.
- But at least she's a self-financed maharani, huh?

Shashi, remember
when we were newlyweds?

Lalit and my brother would sleep.

You'd come to my room
and tell me dirty jokes.

Your Lalit may have gone to sleep...

but my C.L. would never sleep,
nor would he let me sleep!

Hey, idiot, come on.
Come on. Let's enter the harem.

Are, ladies! Are!

Go! No men allowed!

C.L. has a very good...

C.L. has an item which is
most suitable for ladies. Please, please.

Stick with me. You'll have fun with me!

Cash in on the pleasures of life with me.

I'm giving birth!

So, Varun,
enjoying yourself among all the women, huh?

Lemon juice. The henna's drying.

Come on, Uncle. That's enough.

- Be a good girl. Don't say no.
- No.

Open your mouth.
Do you like it?

- And be a good girl and open your mouth.
- No, Uncle.

There's only this much left.

No.

- Hi,
- Hi. What?

Hi. Nice mehndi, Ria.

She's angry, huh?

Okay. Ria didi will give you samosa, okay?

- What were you doing here?
- Eating a big samosa.

- Why?
- Because I'm hungry.

- No, why are you eating it here?
- Because the samosas were in here.

- Why was he with you, Aliya?
- Who?

- Tej Uncle.
- Alice said the samosas were on the top shelf...

and Tej Uncle came
to get the box down for me.

Okay, let's do a -

- Okay.
- Okay. Mmm.

- I love you, Ria didi.
- I love you too, my baby.

Alice.

Alice.

You know, Pimmi...

sometimes when I look at them...

I feel...

love which I almost cannot bear.

How did they grow up so quickly?

And when did we grow old?

If only their lives are happy.

And for that, I'm willing to take on
every trouble, every sorrow in the world.

- Need anything, beta?
- I'm all right, thanks.

Good night.

Good night, idiot.

I thought you weren't staying here.

I changed my mind.

Really?

How come you're not asleep as yet?

Just thinking.

About what?

About good Indian girls.

- Is this a scorpion?
- Yeah. It's my sign.

- I should go.
- It's okay.

- I should really go.
- Don't go.

Please don't.

The Betrayal of your
Erect Dick - How does it feel?

Idiot.

Where would you like to go?

I just want to drive and drive and drive.

Why did you come to see me?

I...

Wanted to be reminded
why I broke up with you.

Somehow...

I can't remember.

Hello!-

- What is it?
- Roll down the window.

- What is it?
- What are you doing here so late?

- None of your business.
- Big words in English, eh?

Should we take you to the station?

Out. Out you come!

Take me to the
police station? On what basis?

Indecent exposure. Obscenity.

- Who do you think you are?
- You may have a bomb. Who knows?

Don't be ridiculous,
Do we look like terrorists?

Get out right now.

- Vikram!
- You too.

Hands up. Bastard!

- Your time's up.
- Hands up, fucker!

- Home.
- Give it to me.

- Vikram!
- Hello? Hello, darling.

A bride's henna-painted hands!

- You couldn't wait, eh?
- Vikram!

Yes, I know that.
I'll be home soon.

If you are in such a hurry, come with me.,

- You'll be in for a treat.
- Vikram!

Well, there was an emergency. Yes.

- Vikram!
- Yes.

No, don't worry. That's just
a television show in the background.

- Don't worry about that.
- Vikram, don't leave me with them!

Shall I call your lover? Go get him.

- O hero!
- Yeah. Exactly.

Madam, stop!

- Hey!
- The bird has flown.

Hey!

What are you doing?

Lalit.

Let me sleep, will you?

Grab this, Lottery.

- Catch!
- Throw it!

How should I arrange the colors?

Any way you want.

I'll nail it.

Brothers, I'm going.

- Do without me.
- What's up?

I'm not feeling well.

I've worked with Dubeyji five years.

I've never seen him like this.

- He isn't even eating marigolds.
- We must do something.

Alice? Alice?

So what are you
going to say to Hemant?

- Everything.
- Oh, God. Then?

He's gonna tell me that I'm a slut
and that I should get lost.

Ad.

How could I have been so stupid?

Are you sure you want
to tell Hemant everything?

I mean, everything's over
between you and Vikram now.

Ria, I don't want to lie.

I don't want to start something new
based on lies and deceit.

- You liked Hemant, no?
- Yeah.

He's nice.

He's good for you.

I can't do this to him.

I'm going mad!
What is this music?

It's Ayesha practicing
for the sangeet tonight.

- Maybe she shouldn't bother.
- What?

- Maybe she shouldn't bother.
- Adu!

I"m really glad you called, though, you know,
because I was gonna call you myself this morning.

- Why? What happened?
- Nothing happened.

It was great to see you alone yesterday,
so I thought I'd try my luck again.

- You look really nice when you laugh.
- Oh, yeah?

- I need to tell you something.
- Mm-hmm.

You'll probably hate me
by the end of it, but -.

I really need you to know.

It's okay. I'm not gonna hate you though.

This used to be my favorite haunt
during my IIT days.

Best chai in the world.

- It's nice.
- Oh, yeah? I was hoping you'd like it.

- Jaichandji!
- How's life?

I recognized you at
first glance, my friend.

- I haven't seen you around.
- I've been away for four years.

- What will you have?
- Two of your special teas.

No sugar in mine,

You've been brainwashed
by America. No sugar, if you please.

Yesterday, Naresh Sharma
was here from America.

He wanted Sweet'N Low.
Can you imagine?

- ...We'll chat another time.
- Absolutely.

So, what was so important?

You don't want to marry me anymore?

Just look at these.
Mama gave these to me when I got married.

Still so shiny and beautiful.

I never used them once.

I just hope Aditi will use them.

Pimmi, what have you spread all over?

I have to do my accounts,
and I can't even find my papers.

- Please don't keep this stuff here.
- Then get a computer, na.

You won't need any paper.

Computers can do everything
for you these days.

I'm too old to learn
all this computer nonsense.

And you know how much money
has already got spent?

Huh? You know how long
it will take me to repay all this?

Don't worry so much, Lalit.

Our only daughter's getting married.

Nothing's a waste.

Look at these saris.

Do you know I bought this one
in Madras 22 years ago?

I've been collecting these
since the day Aditi was born.

- This one is lovely.
- Mmm.

And tomorrow she'll be gone.

Just like that, in one day.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, I'm sorry too.

Move your bike, man.

Move your bloody bike!

Couldn't help yourself, huh?

You had to drag me into your mess as well.
What am I supposed to do now?

“Mr. Verma,
your daughter's such a rosebud.

“We'll have a wonderful family
in Houston, Texas...

“be friends, take our kids to Disneyland,
send you a couple of tickets every year.

“It'll be lovely!

“But, hey, wait a minute.

“You didn't tell me she's still screwing her
ex-boyfriend while you were fixing our marriage.

“Huh? But that shouldn't be such a problem.

I'm from America. We shall fit right in!”

You know, I've been thinking, Lalit.

I don't want to send Varun
to boarding school.

- Come on, Pimmi, don't start this again.
- I don't want to lose both my children.

Pimmi, don't start up again, huh?
We've been through all this.

He's going to boarding school.
That's final.

Just wasting his life,
staying here watching TV the whole day.

- There's no one here to discipline him.
- He doesn't listen. I give up.

- I just don't know what to do with this boy.
- But he also needs love and affection, na.

Huh? He's such a sensitive boy, Lalit -

and he's so wonderful
with all these creative things.

“Creative things” - like singing and
dancing, cooking sesame chicken.

Let's find him a nice boy.

Don't say that, huh? Why
do you always look at everything like that?

You know what I heard him telling Tej
bhai-sahab he wants to be when he grows up?

- What?
- He said he wants to be a chef.

I tell you -
Our son will be a cook.

Tej bhai-sahab
nearly fainted with surprise.

- A cook!
- He's just a kid.

- It doesn't mean anything.
- He's a fool.

My son will be a man
when he grows up, understand?

He'll be an educated professional.

He won't be singing and dancing
in people's shaadis.

- Mama?
- Yes, darling?

Can you do this for me -
Make a muchi, and on my eyes?

- Why, beta?
- For my dance with Ayesha tonight.

Acha. Okay.

Why can't you do something useful? Huh?

Like some exercise or reading
your schoolbooks for a change, huh?

Look at you - a big, huge hulk.

Can't spend your whole life
singing and dancing.

- Why not?
- What do you mean why not?

You want to be an entertainer?

You don't do any exercise.
You don't even play cricket.

You don't read a book.
Just sleeping all day and watching TV.

And now this new nonsense - dancing.

Why? You also took Mama's dopatta
and danced the other night.

Don't compare yourself with me.
You're just a kid, understand?

But right now, you said I'm big now.

That's it. You're going
to boarding school. Decided!

- Since when?
- Beta. Beta, Papa and I only talking about it.

- No, no, no. I have made up my mind.
- Shh! Please, let me talk to him.

It's going to be good for you, Varun.
Beta, soon, Aditi didi is going away.

You'll be so lonely at home.

So we thought you'll go to boarding school.
You'll have so much fun.

You've also been trying
to send me away to boarding school.

- No, beta.
- Now listen, beta. We are just -.

Nothing has been decided.

That school is
much better than this school.

We thought you'll go there,
and there'll be so many boys your age.

- You'll really enjoy yourself.
- No, I don't want to go.

I won't go.
You do what you want.

Beta, we're just doing this
for your own good.

It'll make you a bit tougher.
I think it'll be good for you.

I hate you! I hate you both!

You don't even understand
one thing about me.

Don't you talk to me like that!
You understand?

Fine! I just won't talk to you at all.

- Varun?
- No!

- Beta, please.
- Son, listen to me.

Leave me alone!

Happy na?
Happy with what you've done?

I didn't mean to upset him like that.

Why couldn't you say something?

Don't talk to me, okay?
Just don't talk to me.

Alice. Alice. Alice, one minute.

We wanted to talk to you.

- We're sorry.
- We made a big mistake.

We didn't do it on purpose.

We couldn't see clearly.

We made a mistake, Alice.

- Alice, please.
- We're sorry.

It won't happen again.

Aditi.

I'm sorry I lost it out there.

I didn't have any right
to talk to you like that.

You had every reason to be angry.

Someone broke my heart, too,
a few years ago.

I know how hard and confusing it can be.

I really appreciate
your telling me about Vikram.

You didn't have to, but you did.

That honesty means a lot to me.

Yeah, I know it's a risk,
but what marriage isn't a risk?

Whether our parents introduce us
or whether we meet in a club...

what difference does it make?

I know we can put this behind us.
I really do.

I believe this can work.

I believe we can be happy.

As for the question of whether
we should get married or not...

it's really for you to answer.

Bravo! The stock has gone up.

I told you before the stock would go up.

But you thought your mother was a fool.

That's what you had decided.

“What does she know
about the stock market?”

I knew it. It's up, isn't it?

Now you go tomorrow
and sell the shares -.

Oh, God.

What is the use of this money?

I'll die before I see
the face of a grandson.

Your father's name
will sink without a trace.

Listen.

Did you tell the
neighbors about the toilet?

It's flooded again.

What sin did I commit?

You don't like any girl!

Don't you feel like settling down?

Ramesh is six months younger than you,
and he has two children.

He earns half what you do.

Her mother shows off her grandsons
to make me jealous.

Oh, God! Have you gone mad?

Roaming about in your underwear!

Here. Here's yours.

Here. Here's yours.

- Yes, of course.
- Especially my mom.

Yeah, exactly. Sure.

- How are you?
- Very well. How are you doing?

Ladies and gentlemen...

attention, please.

Welcome, beautiful, beautiful,
beautiful ladies...

and gentlemen
and, of course, lovely children.

- Listen to me.
- Mama!

Today's sangeet
for our beloved Aditi...

- and our dear son -
- Son-in-law!

Son-in-law, eh?

And marriage will take place tomorrow.

Rahul' Rahul!

Are you, like, the only bartender here?

I ordered a Bacardi Coke,
like 20 minutes ago, man.

- Just a sec.
- Rahul!

- Gin and tonic - no ice, lots of gin.
- Make that two.

Sure.

After Partition, we came here with nothing.

Nowhere to go, no future.

Tej's family looked after us.

He educated us,
made us stand on our feet.

- Move, man.
- Sorry, man. I'm sorry. Chill.

There are no accounts between families.

Now you're one of us.

Welcome. Welcome.

“Your eyes brim with intoxication.

Your skin glows
from the fragrance of rose petals.”

Who's that clown?

That's my dad.

Varun, you can't say no now.
Please, Varun!

Listen. Don't
take out your parents' anger on me.

Varun, please.

I told you, I don't care
about anything anymore.

I don't care, and that's decided.

May this enchanted evening glow forever.

In my opinion,
you Punjabis are way too ostentatious.

In my opinion, you Bengalis
are way too pretentious.

Touché, Ria.

This is Jibesh, Vandana.

This is Mrs. Rai,
Aditi's ma-in-law to be.

What's so funny?

Yeah. What's so funny?

- Ria, get me a rum and Coke.
- Vandi, please go get it yourself.

Please, please, please. I would, but I know
so many people who know my parents.

Please, just get it. Please.

- We will start this evening -
- Okay.

With a - item...

by our own beloved Ayesha!

Please, Ayesha.

- What's the matter?
- Varun won't do the dance anymore.

- Shit. I'm so sorry to hear that.
- I don't know what to do...

I need to just -
Rahul, you can do it.

I mean, you've seen us
rehearse the steps so many times.

- You crazy?
- You can make up the steps as we go along.

You said that you love to dance. Please,
I'm begging you. I really need your help.

I can dance, but it's not
a nightclub in Melbourne.

I can't dance to this music.

Bloody foreigner!

I just fell from grace.

My darling, you have to be standing up
in order to be able to fall.

I mean, if you keep sitting on your ass,
nothing's gonna happen.

“Only brave warriors
fall from their horses in battle.

How can kneeling cowards
know what a fall is?”

Meaning, sweetheart, the main thing is...

you have to fight the battle.

Ayesha!

More applause for Ayesha.

Look at her, huh?

Come on, girl. That's it!

We're in-laws now.

Oh, my God!!

Yeah!

The idiot's dancing!

Bravo!

Come on, come on!

Nobody is to sit. Everybody come and dance!

I love you, brother!

Come on.

Let's stay up all night together.

Really. Let's talk.

Talk? Why would you want to talk?

Alice.

Ah! Here comes my kissing cousin, Aditi.

Please, Sister. Please.

- Hi, lovebirds.
- Okay, okay, okay.

I can only handle one woman at a time.

Oh, really?

Don't tire yourself out.
Tomorrow's the big night.

Oh, yeah. And don't corrupt
my elder sister, huh?

You have listened to everyone but Shashi.

And now we present Shashiji!

My throat is sore, but I'll try.

I don't like kissing.

- Typical man.
- Head straight here.

No, really.
I get just so confused about what to do.

Does your tongue go right in?
Does it move around? Does it stay still?

- It just makes me too nervous.
- Don't think. Just go with the flow.

Don't think?
I Wish I could do that.

I'll don't know.
I mean, kissing could be great...

But my mind starts whizzing
with the weirdest thoughts...

and suddenly I'm thinking of some banal,
practical thing that needs to be taken care of.

I don't know what the big deal is.
I know all about kissing.

- Really, baby?
- Acha. Everything?

- Yeah. What's the big deal?
- No big deal.

It's gross. You open your mouth,
and he sticks his tongue in.

Yeah, don't you know?
That's how older people kiss.

Sure, let's go. I'm really exhausted,

- Bye. Bye.
- See you. See you, Varun.

Bye, Varun.

Come on.

Mama, I want to sleep.

Okay.

Hello?

Yeah, Mr. Culkin.
Yeah, one moment. One moment.

- I'll go help, huh?
- Okay.

- Aliya, come.
- She's so sleepy.

Troubling your mother?

- I'll take her out for a drive.
- Okay, fine.

I don't want ice cream.

- Strawberry ice cream?
- Absolutely no.

Oh, she's tired and cranky.
I thought I'd take her out for a drive.

Thank you.

Yeah. Yeah, sorry.

- Ria?
- Ria, what's happening?

Did you see Tej Uncle? That tall old man.

- What's the matter, Ria?
- Just let her go.

- Huh? Is anything the matter, beta? What is it?
- Just let her go.

- Let her go from what?
- From you, you bastard!

- Are you all right?
- Have you gone mad?

I don't know. Maybe she's had
a bit too much to drink, huh?

What happened?

It wasn't enough that he touched me
when I was a girl?

That wasn't enough? You had to
teach Aliya how older people kiss?

- Ria, will you stop this nonsense?
- What did you get out of it?

I didn't even have breasts, you sick man!

Insolent, crazy girl!

Seven afternoons.

Seven afternoons
of how older people kiss?

- Ria.
- You took my clothes off.

- Ria, stop.
- “Open your mouth, Ria.”

- Will you stop it!
- Don't touch me!

Don't touch me!
Don't touch me!

Now he's doing it
all over again to Aliya.

She's lying, Lalit. She's lying.

You don't want to believe me?

Then fine. I'm not a part of this.

I'm not a part of you.

Say something, Lalit. She's lying!

- She's lying.
- You know I don't lie, chachu.

You know it!
You know I don't lie!

She's lying, Lalit,

- Unmarried girls like Ria - they make up all these fantasies.
- Ria.

Ria. Ria.

Ria. Ria.

Ria, you can't go away like this.
Ria, please. Ria.

She's mad.

The girl's going crazy.

Lalit.

Please, Papa. Please.

Lalit. Huh?

Oh, God.

I'm falling, Pimmi. Hold me.

Ria?

Ria?

Ria?

Don't do this, my child.

Let's go home.

Come. I want you
to come home with me just now...

and I don't want to listen
to anything, please, huh?

Just change your clothes
and come home with me.

- I'll wait for you in the other room.
- Don't pretend like nothing happened.

- Ria, I'm not pretending.
- You are! You are!

- You are!
- Beta, I don't even know how to console you, Ria.

What you have gone through,
I can't even imagine it.

I don't understand. What can I do?

You can do nothing, Uncle.

Ria, if you don't come home...

Without you, the wedding can't happen.

Come home, Ria.

I don't even know what to do.

I don't know what to do, Ria.
My hands are tied.

Tej bhai-sahab and our family
goes back a very long way.

We are so indebted to them.

- Come home, I beg you.
- It's not your fault.

- Then why are you punishing me?
- I'm not.

And your sister and your mother?

Listen to me, beta.
I cannot break up my family.

I cannot.

Please don't ask me to make that choice.

I don't know what Surinder bhai-sahab
would have done in my position.

I know I can never replace your father,
but you're my child, na?

Aren't you my little one?

My family means everything to me, Ria.

Please don't leave us.

Please.

Ria, if you go...

everything will break.

Okay.

- What's your name, little girl?
- Aliya.

Very nice.

Very nice.

Look up. Smile.

Okay, smile.

Very nice. Beautiful.
What a lovely family.

- Ma'am?
- Ra.

Come in front.

Here?

At the gentleman's feet.

Hold it.

Eyes wide open.

And one, two -.

Okay. Everybody now smile together
and watch the birdie.

And three. Very good.

Okay, last picture. Big smile, please.

Okay, thank you.

Come, darling. Be blessed by your elders.

I miss you so much, Papa.

Come. Come.

Please.

Shashiji.

- Ah. Lalit, I'll go out and receive the guests.
- No.

No.

You won't receive the groom.

I can't do this. I can't. I'm sorry.

- Lalit.
- I don't even want you here.

Please.

I cannot allow this, Puriji.

I cannot.

Both of you just leave my home
and my family and go.

- Lalit, what are you say -
- I don't want to say any more.

Please. Please don't make it worse.

For such a small thing...

No, no. I don't want to say anything
further. Please don't make it worse.

These are my children, Puriji...

and I will protect them
from myself even if I have to.

Please go.

Ready?

The soaked in-laws are here.

Verma family, forge ahead!

Get drenched, bloody fools!

Should I wear it?

Take the groom in. He'll get wet.

Be happy.

Long live Mr. and Mrs. Dubey!

Hey!

Hey, hey! Hey, hey!

Dubey!

Dubey and his lovely bride!

It's your own tent.
You won't get wet.

One, two.

One, two.

Fabulous waterproofing, Dubey!

The bride is coming!

Watch out! The wedding garlands!

My son, Umang!

My darling son, you're here!

Bring on the music!

We finally made an Indian out of you!

Come on, Mrs. Dubey! Let's dance!