All language subtitles for Jerrod.Carmichael.8.2017_English

- ( music playing )
- ( singers vocalizing )

( sighs )

Are--

are we going to be okay?

Really, you think
about that?

Are we going
to be all right?

I think we're going
to be okay.

We have a new king.

( audience laughs )

I think we'll be fine.

What's important for me
to say to you guys

is that Trump's victory

is in no way indicative

of a loss for women.

It's not.

It's not a loss
for women.

It is, however,

just another victory
for men.

Congratulations, guys.
We did it again.

We did it again.
We still got it.

We still got it.

Still crazy after
all these years, you guys.

Look at us.
Come on, that's amazing, right?

We've been dominated
for how long now? Forever?

Since forever?

That's an amazing--

Phil Jackson couldn't have
coached us to more victories.

That's an amazing record
for dudes-- just for guys.

God damn it,
don't let women--

like, men, seriously,
celebrate this shit.

Don't let women make you
feel bad about this.

Don't. Like, women are
the only minority group

that's half the population.

Like, they're fine.

We are crushing it
right now.

Just crushing it.

And with that said,
it's going to be pretty bad.

It's going to be
pretty horrible, I think,
the next few years.

I think we'll be--
I guess we'll be okay.

I don't really know.

Trump's going to, like--

he's going to be
on some vendetta shit.

And it's all our fault.

It really is.
Trump's going to be mad.

And all we had to do

was be kind of nice
to Trump.

That's all we had to do.
It's like-- look at you.

You can't even...

Even hypothetically,
you're like, "Mm."

That's all we had to do.

All we had to do
was be a little nice.

Cordial, at least.

We weren't.

We weren't at all.
We were so mean to him.

We were so mean.
Like, we picked on his skin.

We picked on his hair.

There was a statue

in the middle
of New York City...

of Donald Trump
with just the tiniest penis.

We just laughed
at that shit.

We took selfies
in front of that shit.

And now he's president.

Yeah, that's right.

The dude
you bullied in school's
got a gun now.

What, was that too dark?

That too much?

Because it's going to get
way heavier than that.

I don't care enough to,
you know--

I won't pretend to, like,
care in front of you guys.

I really want to.

I really--

I wish I felt things.

Like, I'm one
of those people

who just doesn't give a fuck
about things.

I don't feel strongly
about anything.

I don't have a cause
that I champion.

A lot of you do,
and good for you.

Good for you.
No, seriously.

If you have a cause
that you champion,
good for you.

I'm sure your tweets matter.
I'm sure...

Because senators
check Twitter, right?

I just don't.
I'm not that person.

I don't feel strongly
about anything.

I don't like being
around people who do.

If you have a bumper sticker
on your car,

just know we could never
be friends.

That you care enough
about a thing

to fuck up a paint job,
that's insane behavior.

That's insane.

I'm just not that person.

I want to be,
but I'm just not.

I pick causes all the time
that I want to care about.

You know, I just like--
I flip through the channels,

I watch the news
and I try and pick issues.

I try to care
about global warming.

That was a rough week.

That was a lot.

Pretending to care
about global warming was a lot.

That's exhausting.

I'm not
one of those people.

I know it's a real issue
and I know it's destroying
the Earth,

but I've been reading
a lot about it,

and none of the consequences
are immediate enough...

for me to truly
give a fuck about it.

I know it's real.

I know it's a real thing,
but I just don't...

We're going to be fine.

Our children will be fine.

Who are we saving
the world for?

Our grandchildren?

Fuck them.

That's right,
fuck your grandchildren.
Fuck my grandchildren.

Who are these
hypothetical rug rats

I'm supposed to sort
paper from plastic for?

Fuck them.

Let them figure it out.
They'll figure it out.

They'll grow gills
if they have to.

Or not,
or they'll die.

I don't give a fuck
about your children,
is what I'm saying.

There's no issue,
and I try really hard.

I try and care about...

I mean, I know
global warming's real,
but it's not--

is it that dire?

Is it, though?

Yeah?

Yeah? Really?
What's the problem?

You could talk, you guys.
We're at a...

I know you got on suits
and shit.

( laughs )

I hope you feel comfortable.

I hope everyone
feels comfortable.

Yeah, what's the problem?

Rising rivers.

Rising rivers?
That's all right.

( laughs )

It's a little
extra water, man.

We're good.
A little extra water.

By the way, I don't
conserve water at all.

I'm supposed to.
They tell me to.

I live in L.A.

And, like, once a week
they tell us

that L.A.'s going
to run out of water.

And we're not.

We're not.
We're really not.
We're going to be fine.

Like, L.A. has far too many
rich people in it

for us to actually
run out of water.

Like, you think that
they're going to let--

you think they're going to let
Steven Spielberg

run out of water?

That's not going to happen.

He thinks of all his ideas
in the shower.

We're going to be fine.

I go through entire albums
in the shower.

I don't think about it
at all.

And I know
the biggest problem--

one of the biggest problems
I read about

was that we're going to lose
a lot of species,

you know,
that are endangered
right now

because of, you know,
global warming.

And-- and I read that
we're going to lose the tigers.

And-- cool.

As it turns out,
we don't really need tigers.

We just selfishly
like knowing they're there.

We're fine without tigers.

When was the last time
you saw a tiger in real life?

What are tigers around for?

Like, decorations
at your aunt's house?

We're good.
We don't really need tigers.

I mean, sure, there'd be
a few awkward questions

for some of you
at a grocery store someday
if we lose the tigers.

Like, "Mommy, who's that
on the Frosted Flakes box?"

"That's no longer
our concern, son."

"Tony's dead."
That's what you'll tell
your children.

"Tony's dead."

None of it seems like
an issue.

Like, none of it...

I want to care.

I really want to feel
strongly about things.

I try and support the troops.
I do support the troops.

I should start this off
by saying that I support
the troops.

I do. I don't know
what that means.

None of you really know
what that means.

We say it.
"I support the troops."

That sounds nice.
That sounds sweet.

But how do you support them?

What do you do?
I don't know what to do.

Like, mostly it's hypothetical
situations.

I crush it supporting the troops
in hypothetical situations.

Like, if a troop--
like...

If I worked at Subway--

if I worked at Subway
and a troop came in

and he ordered, like,
double cheese on a sandwich,

I wouldn't charge him
the extra 35 cents.

I wouldn't. I'd be like,
"No, no, you've done enough.

Get out of here
with that, troop.

What are you doing?"

But in real life,
I could do more.

I should do more.
I want to do more.

I mean, would I give up
my seat in first class

for a troop returning home?

No, of course not.
That's crazy talk.

That's crazy.
I'd be like,

"You just flew 15 hours
from Afghanistan.

You could do another five
in economy, troop."

That's what I would say
to the troop, to their face.

And that's fucked up.
I get it, but...

I have a little brother

who joined
the Army Reserves, right?

He joined the Army Reserves,
and I was really proud of him.

I was so proud of him.
We all were...

until we realized it made him
kind of arrogant.

Like, a little arrogant.

I noticed this.
I was back home.

We were trying to find
a movie to watch together.

And I wanted to watch, like,
"Zero Dark Thirty,"

about how we, like,
killed Bin Laden,

because I had never
seen it before.

And he shut it down
in such an arrogant way.

He was like, "No, I don't want
to watch that movie.

It's not accurate.

We would have never
killed Bin Laden like that."

To which I responded,
"First of all, nigga,

who the fuck are 'we'?

Because, like,
you're in the pretend Army."

And then, I guess--
really quickly,

I'll say the three
hottest things I said
during that argument.

Thing number one,
I said,

"Both 'Zero Dark Thirty'
and the Reserves

are only based
on real-life events."

I thought that was
pretty good.

And then I said,
"You are essentially
in a flash mob in camouflage."

Right?
But I-- that was
pretty good, right?

That's not bad, right?

And then...

Okay, the third thing I said
you're not going to laugh at.

None of you
are going to laugh at it
because you're good people.

I can feel it.
You wore suits.

You're good adults.

Bet you guys own stamps
and shit.

Bet you guys put things
on simmer.

That's what being
a good adult means.

But mostly,
you're going to forget

that in the context
of an argument,

I thought this
was brilliant, okay?

In context.

I said, "I don't know why
you're criticizing that film

when more people have died
in movie theaters

than in the Army Reserves."

( laughs )

I really like--

I like your expressions
on that.

But that's me trying.

I swear to God,
I'm trying.

That's really the point
of all of this shit.

I just want you to know
I'm really trying.

I'm really trying.

Like, I'm trying to care
and feel things

and, like, feel strongly
about things.

The thing that I care about
the most is, like, you know,

I care about black issues.

I want to be a better
black person.

I don't know how to be...

a great black person.

- I really don't.
- ( man sneezes )

I want to.
God bless you.

I'm an okay black person.

I'm okay.
I'm not the worst.

I'm not the best.

I'm somewhere
in the middle.

I want to, like...

It's hard.

It's hard being
a great black person.

It's a lot of work.
Like, being...

It's exhausting
being black.

It is.

You know.

Yeah. Right?

It's a lot of work, right?

Every fucking day.

Every fucking day
you wake up,

and it's an added
fucking element.

It's a lot of work.
It's a lot of work.

I mean, sure,
it looks fun.

Especially when we're,
like, dancing.

Or, like, flying
through the air dunking
on somebody.

That shit looks amazing, right?
It's a lot of fucking work.

Like, it's a burden.

Right?

It's a fucking burden.

You're here
with white people.

You're here with her?
That's a lot of...

Explain that
to your grandma.

Right? You are--
you're a beautiful woman.

But he would have
to fucking...

Is your grandma alive?

- No, but it's cool.
- She's dead, right?
Yeah.

That's why I feel
like I can date white girls,
because my grandma's dead.

It's just like,
oh, yeah, we're fine.

We're fine.
There's a lot--

if his grandma were alive,
you would be a secret.

Right?
A hundred percent.

It's a lot of fucking work,
right?

Being a fucking black person,
God damn it.

God damn it,
you guys don't know
the fucking work--

oh, fuck!

My accountant doesn't seem
to understand

that being the only nigga
that made it out

is a business expense.

It costs a lot of money.

No, it's very, very expensive.

It cost-- like, no,
I got to buy these sneakers
because Twan is in jail.

It costs a lot of money.

That's how I justify things.

It's hard,

because especially--
like, me, I grew up poor.

I grew up really poor
and, like--

and now I buy, like, a...

All of my life is just me
trying to overcompensate

for a poor childhood.

It's me buying dumb shit
to fix a broken childhood.

That's all it is.
I buy a lot of dumb shit.

I buy a lot of shoes,
a lot of sneakers.

In fact, the next time you see,
like, a young black guy
in new shoes,

stop and ask him,
"Who hurt you?"

Ask him, "What went
horribly wrong?"

I'm telling you,
every pair of Jordans
comes with a story.

Every pair.

I buy a lot
of stupid shit

because I grew up poor.

I buy a lot of cereal.

I do.
I make a lot of cereal.

Mostly because--
we had cereal growing up,

but it wasn't the good kind.

It was all, like, bullshit.

Like, all my cereal
came in, like, a brown box

and it said "cereal" on it.

And now I buy, like,
a lot of cereal.

Like, a lot.

Like, a lot.

You know how much
cereal I buy?

You would think a teacher
once told me,

"Nigga, you'll never
have cereal."

That's how much
cereal I buy.

Like I'm rebelling
against something.

All of it is exhausting.

And I want to be
a great black person.

You want to connect.
I want to do more.

I want to give back.
I try and give back.

I don't, like,
donate to black causes
and organ--

like, I want
to give more, but...

it's hard,
because mostly--

and I'm being very truthful
with you guys--

I don't connect with, like,
the names of black causes

and organizations sometimes.

Because, like, the names
sound really antiquated.

Like, I don't want to give
to the United Negro
College Fund.

I don't know any Negros.

Especially not any
united ones.

I don't want
to give to that.

I'd give so much money
to, like, the Send a Nigga
to School Fund.

I know a lot of niggas
that should go to school.

They're smart enough.
They're capable.

There's a...

It's just a different
school of thought.

I want us to be further along
than what we are.

You know?

I really want us to be.
And...

I think that maybe
we think differently.

You know, it's a different
generation of thought, maybe.

Different values,
different things that
we hold on to.

Like, if I'm being honest
with you guys,

and I really am,

like, Jay Z
means way more to me
than Martin Luther King.

That's true.
It's not even close.

I'm being real with you guys.
It is not even close.

I know every Jay Z lyric.

I only know, like, four bars
of the "I Have a Dream" speech.

Like, there's--
there's something about
a mountain in there, right?

And then, like--
then he tells us not to go
chasing waterfalls.

Oh, that wasn't him.
I'm sorry.

I wish Pharrell
produced that speech, man.

I would know--
I would know all of that shit.

There are a lot of faults
that, just as a black person,

like,
I'm afraid to share.

It's a lot--
okay, look.

Don't break eye contact with me.
I need you right now.

I feel really crazy saying
this shit out loud in public,

and I need you, okay?

All right?

( sighs )

I saw a group of niggas
I didn't know by my car
the other day...

and I had a decision
to make.

And you know what I did?

I turned around.
I went back in Starbucks.

I got a hot chocolate.
I waited that thing out.

I was like,
"This, too, shall pass."

I was afraid.
Why was I afraid?

What the fuck?
Who-- why would I feel that way?

I feel horrible
about that.

Maybe they were nice.

They were probably nice.

Maybe we would have bonded,
connected.

Talked about episodes
of "Martin" for, like,
15 minutes.

It could have been amazing.

Or maybe not.

Maybe they were mean.

Like, maybe they'd rob me.

Or even worse--

try and sell me
a bunch of mix tapes.

I don't want
your goddamn mix tape.

Being black is just
part of it.

So many things to try and feel.
I want to feel, man.

I want to care
about things, man.

I really do.

I know I was talking shit
about tigers.

I want to care
about animal rights.

( laughs )
I-- I don't.

As it turns out, I don't
give a fuck about animals.

A lot of you do.
You can feel it.

You guys got--
you guys got weird.

I'm not going to harm
an animal.

I just don't care
whether they live or die.

Is that unfair?
Is that unfair?

- Woman: Yeah.
- Yeah?

Why?

Woman:
How do you say
you like animals,

but you don't care about them,
whether they live or die?

Like, that shit
doesn't make sense.

No, it makes sense--
no, no, this is what that means.

So, like,
if I leave here

and, like,
on my way home,
I hit a squirrel,

I'm not going
to stop the car.

It's a fucking squirrel.

That's what happens
to squirrels.

Squirrels get hit
sometimes.

That's their
mass shootings.

Everybody got shit
to deal with.

Like, squirrels got
to get hit sometimes.

I'm not going to stop--
I don't care.

And I tried to care.
I really did.

I want you to know that.

It means a lot to me
that you know

that I tried
really, really hard.

I had a dog.

I had one-- it's--

Just so you know,
I didn't kill that dog.

I know it sounds like
I killed the dog.

I didn't kill the dog.

She retired on her own
after 15 fights.

She was a--

I didn't--

I didn't...

No, I really tried.

And I tried to love
that dog.

I tried really hard
to, like, care about it.

I tried to, like,
feel something.

I let her, like,
sleep in the bed with me.

I let her lick my face,

even though
that's disgusting.

It is.
I know what they say
about dogs' mouths

being cleaner than ours,
but that's just something
white people made up

to justify their actions,
because it's not.

It's fucking disgusting.

It's really bad.

Like, I've never eaten
my own shit before.

She did that on the reg.

She was a disgusting,
disgusting beast.

And I tried.

I named the dog after, like,
a dead ex-girlfriend

so I wouldn't
give her away.

Didn't work.

I thought it was going
to make me softer and warmer
and shit.

That's the goal,
you know?

Just to be nicer and warmer
and care about things.

And I just-- I don't.

And I don't know
what's going to do it.

I mean, I think...

I want a--
I want a girlfriend.

Yeah, I do.

I mostly want
dope Instagram moments.

And I know you have to have
a girlfriend for that.

You do.
To really crush it
on Instagram,

you got to have a girlfriend.

They can't all be selfies.

Like, someone should be
in the picture sometime.

I see a lot of moments
constantly

where it would be nice
to have a girlfriend.

Like, I was walking
through a park

and I saw two people
on a paddleboat.

And I thought, "Oh, fuck,
I want to get on a paddleboat.

That looks delightful."

But you got to have
a girlfriend first.

Got to have a girlfriend
for that.

You can't just
get on a paddleboat
with one of your niggas.

You both got on
basketball shorts
and wifebeaters.

It's just not
a great picture.

It just doesn't
shut down the Gram,
is what I'm saying.

But I don't have a girlfriend,
and I thought about this a lot.

I was trying
to figure out why.

I don't have a girlfriend
because I know deep down
in my heart

I'm an amazing boyfriend.

I really am.
No, I'm really great at it.

I'm a great boyfriend.

But I know that being
a great boyfriend is exhausting.

It is.
It's exhausting.

And it's a thankless job.

There are great boyfriends
here tonight

who don't get the credit
they deserve.

And you know how I know?

Because I just left room for,
like, a cheap applause break,

and no girlfriend
in here clapped.

I was like,
"It's a thankless job,"

and girlfriends looked
at their boyfriends like,

"Fuck you,"
and it was cold.

"And you're cold bastards,

and you should be
ashamed of yourselves."

But it is.

To be a great boyfriend
is a lot of work.

It really is.
Like, you got to--

you're not
a human being anymore,
you're a boyfriend.

You relinquish
being a human being.

Like, you're just--
it's 60/40.

You're 60% boyfriend,
40% Steve,

or whatever the fuck
your name used to be.

Who gives a fuck?
You're not a...

Got to do boyfriend things.

You got to think
like a boyfriend.

It's a lot of work.

Being a great boyfriend
means you got to, like,

answer questions
you don't have the answer to.

You do.
Girls ask
a lot of questions.

A lot of questions that seem
really innocent on the surface,

but it's like really--

it's always deeper
than what it sounds like.

It always, like--

it always means
something more...

They sound so sweet.

Just questions like,

"What are you thinking?"

"Nothing, really."

I got a little angry.

They don't stop there.

The questions go deeper.

Like, more existential,
even.

Questions like,

"What's wrong?"

"I don't know what's wrong.

That's why I'm watching
the game.

Hopefully I'll forgive
my father by halftime."

To be a great boyfriend
means you got to text.

You got to-- like,
not only do you have
to respond to texts,

you also have to send, like,
random, unsolicited happy texts.

You know,
just random 3:00 p.m.
"Thinking about you"

when you're not.

When you're not at all.
It's 3:00.

You're thinking
about important shit,
like a sandwich,

or-- or ISIS.

But you got to send
that shit.

It's a lot.
Texting girls is a lot.

If you don't believe me,
just ask a girl

how her day went
via text.

And then sit back
and wait for, like,

the six-paragraph
Robert Frost poem
that she sends.

It's always too much.
It's too much information.

I can't handle it.

Like, I asked a girl
how her day was,

and she was just like,
"You know what I learned today?

Even at my weakest,

I can still find strength
in knowing."

And all my responses--

all my responses to that shit
are so lazy.

All my responses are like,
"Oh, word."

"Oh, that's crazy.

That is crazy
you feel that way."

That's too much work.

And I could do it.
We could all do it.

I know what I could text a girl
at the end of a day.

I could text something like,
"Hey, I know it's been
a rough day at work,

but that place would
fall apart without you.

And, quite frankly,

so would I."

Yeah. That's a fucking
amazing text, right?

That's a great text.

Feel free to use that,
by the way.

That's not just mine.
That's all of ours.

Thanks for coming out.
Thank you, guys.

No, no, that's a great
text message.

A great text.

That text took me
six hours to write.

Six hours.
I could have cured cancer.

Instead,
one text message.

I could have cured it,
but I couldn't start it.

I could have bought,
like, a lab coat

and some beakers and shit.

Like, some hydrogen peroxide.
I'm sure that's in there.

One text.

That's why I'll never
be in a relationship.

Because you know
what I end up texting a girl

at the end of the day?

"You up?"

It's way easier.

It's only, like,
three letters

depending on how you spell
the word "you."

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid.
I'm terrified.
I'm terrified.

I'm terrified of not finding
the right girl.

And I don't know
what that means.

We say "the right girl."
I don't know what that means.

I really would like a girl
that's, like-- I don't know,

that just, like,
accepts that some people

earn the right to cheat.

That would be nice.

That would be nice.

You agree, right?
You don't disagree with that.

We get it.
Let's be adults.

Thank you very much.

We disagreed on animals,
but we're back.

You earn the right--
like, certain people earn
the right to cheat.

Like, I think that-- I don't
think you should cheat

unless you've earned it.

In fact, I think we need
to bring integrity

back into adultery.

Like, I don't think that
everybody should just cheat.

Earn that shit.
You work hard for it.

Like, if you get cheated on

and the person
that cheated on you

makes less money than you,

you should
fuck their car up.

They deserve it.
Fuck them.

They won't even be--
they won't be able to afford
to get it fixed.

They have to, like,
ride around with a trash bag

in the window of a Civic
like a plebe.

I'm not shitting on Civics.

I'm just saying
it's not a first-choice car.

But if you get cheated on

and the person
who cheated on you
makes more than you--

I don't know,
just stop and think about it
for a few minutes

before you do
anything crazy.

Think about where you've been,
how far you've come.

Don't fuck their car up.

Remember when Tiger Woods
got caught cheating on his wife,

and his wife took a golf club
and she fucked his car up?

You remember that?
How did you feel about that?

- Woman: He deserved it.
- No, but...

I know you think
he deserved it, but--
no, but it didn't hurt Tiger.

Don't clap for that.
It didn't hurt Tiger.

It didn't do shit for Tig--
you know what Tiger Woods did

after his wife
fucked his car up?

- Woman: What?
- He didn't buy another car.

They gave him another car.

Because even his adultery
was sponsored by Buick.

It was amazing.

And he earned it.

He earned it.

It's hard to talk
about cheating.

I get it. I know no one
wants to talk about it.

I know it makes people
feel weird.

We like to ignore it,
largely, as a society.

There's a reason fairy tales
don't have sequels.

Like, really,
because it would be too much
for any of us to handle.

We couldn't handle the sequel
to a fairy tale.

"Cinderella II"
would just start

with Cinderella
asking the prince,

"How come you didn't
come home last night?"

And the prince just feeling
indignant, like,

"Bitch, I rescued you
from the gutter.

All right?
You were making dresses
with mice when I met you.

Never forget that.

Don't forget
where you came from."

"Rapunzel II" would just be
Prince Charming

fucking every girl
in the village

while Rapunzel's hair
falls out from stress.

It would be so dark.

"Beauty and the Beast,"
just like--

it's just Belle being like,

"You used to be a beast,
now you're a monster."

I know it sounds fucked up.

I get it.

I hope you guys understand
that love is built on lies.

It is.
No, it is.

That's also the name
of my new jazz album.

"Love is Built on Lies."

It is.

We're all smart people,
probably, right?

I get it.
Enough.

All of us
shouldn't have voted,
but whatever.

We're smart people.
We're adults.

And then we get dumb as shit
when it comes to love.

Really, because we want
to believe in, like,

the beautiful version
of love.

The fairy tale version,
the way it's supposed to look
and sound and feel.

What people's
intentions are.

Why people do
the things they do.

Like, we don't want to believe
the reality of love,

so we believe crazy shit.

Like, we do.

We believe men propose
because of love.

And that's just not true.

That's not why a man
proposes to you.

In fact, that's not
the last emotion a man feels

right before he proposes.

Love? No.

The last emotion
a man feels

right before he proposes
isn't love.

It's...

fuck it.

It is.
It's "fuck it."

He starts justifying it
in his head.

"Well, she already moved in.
Fuck it."

Sure.

Fine.

These are my wedding vows.

Fine, just...

say "I do" so we can eat.

Fine.

Whatevs.

By the way, I think inviting
someone to a wedding

is one of the rudest things
you could possibly do.

And we got to stop
doing that.

All together,
we got to stop.

No one wants to go
to your wedding.

I don't want to break
the news to you

while you're wearing
wedding clothes,

but no one wants to go.

Got to fucking buy a suit
and buy you a gift,

all to watch you
make a decision.

That's so silly.

You know, marriage isn't
an accomplishment.

It's a decision.

Now I got to buy clothes
and get you a toaster.

I always get a toaster.

That's my go-to wedding gift.
I get a toaster.

Four-slice if I believe
in the marriage.

You know, because--

because you're probably
going to have kids and stuff.

And then two-slice if I think
it's going to fall apart.

Because what's
a divorced person
going to do

with all that
goddamn toast?

But we do believe
really crazy shit
when it comes to love.

This is going to be
maybe a little fucked up.

I can't tell how you guys
are feeling.

We believe our grandparents
actually loved each other.

Do you think that?

Come on, let's be adults
about this shit.
Come on.

That's not why they were
together for 50 years.

They were together
for that long because...

your grandma didn't have
a lot of options.

Like, she didn't.

She only got married
because it was a different time

and she was feeling
a lot of pressure to,

because she was about
to turn 14.

And everybody was like,
"You got to get married,
Gloria.

You ain't nothing
without no man."

Whatever they said to women
in the '40s.

And she panicked.

Saw some dude
down the street
named John

who knew how to fix trucks,
and was like,

"I think I could build
a family around that.
Fuck it."

And that's how we got here.
But it wasn't love.

Think it was love?
No.

Your grandma dealt
with a lot of bullshit.

She was married
to your grandpa.

And who is that dude,
really?

Do you know him?
Do you know your grandpa?

Like, as a man, as a husband,
did you really know him?

I'll tell you who he was.

I'm sure nice guy.
Sweet guy.

I'm sure he kept
Werther's Originals
in his pocket.

But as a husband,
as a husband,

all of our grandfathers
were horrible pieces of shit.

All of them.

I know that's
a lot to deal with,
but they all were.

Like, they just weren't--
good husband is a new concept.

That shit wasn't created
till, like, the mid-'80s
when "Family Ties" came out.

That was like--
that's some new shit.

Like, your grandpa
wasn't a good husband.

At best, he was
emotionally distant.

That's the best grandpa husband
you're getting--

one that shuts down,
he doesn't want to talk
about things,

ignores family issues,

pretends your uncle
isn't gay.

A real TV-heavy grandpa.
That's the best version of it.

At worst-- and this is going
to sound dark, but fuck it.

Listen...

he probably
hit your grandma.

I know.
Don't cover your mouth.
It's fine.

But probably.
Maybe not, but, yeah.

Because, again,
it was a different time,

and he was in a war.

I don't know.
Just...

one Thanksgiving, man.

Something about
the cranberry sauce.

Just triggered
this flashback.

And he yelled "Charlie"
and punched your grandma
in the face.

And it was dark.
And it was dark.

It's a blemish
on your family record.

But she dealt with it,
because that's what
grandmas were.

There were strong
back then.

Like, my grandma wasn't
really that happy,

but I didn't want
to see that.

I didn't want to see the truth
of how she was feeling,

so I would just make up things
in my head, you know?

I would just make up
feelings for her.

I'd see her and be like,
"Oh, look, there's Grandma...

knitting.

Because she loves to knit."

Not because
it's the only way I know
how to move time forward.

Because that's dark,
right?

You don't want to think
about Grandma like that.

That's too fucked up.

I'd be like, "Oh, look,
there's Grandma baking cookies,

because she has
a great recipe."

Not because,
"Without these cookies,

I have no identity.

I'm merely John's wife."

I'm sure not your grandma.

That's part of love, man.
That's why I just want to--

I really just want
a girl that just--

that gets it, that accepts
the realities of love.

Like, the realities of...

And also, when we're talking
about cheating,

and I want to make this clear,
I don't mean it to sound sexist.

You know? I think that men
earn the right to cheat.

I think women
earn the right to cheat.

If you're a girl who makes
way more than your guy,

please, what are you
waiting for?

What are you doing?

Go out there and cheat.

Life is short.
What are you doing?

I think about this
all the time.

Like, if I were married
to Beyoncé right now

in my current
financial state...

and I heard these rumors

that Beyoncé were
cheating on me, right?

And then finally,
one morning over breakfast,

I actually built up
enough courage

to confront Beyoncé
about it.

And we're sitting at the table.
She was across from me.

I was a little nervous.

Took a sip of my coffee.

I was like...

( sighs )

Hey, Beyoncé.

Look, I know I'm going
to sound crazy

even bringing this up.

I don't want to bring it up,
but I just got to.

( sighs )

Jerrod, you said
you were going to ask her,
just ask her.

Look, Beyoncé...

are you cheating on me?

And then even if Beyoncé,

not giving a fuck
about my feelings,

like, not caring
how her response
affected me inside,

just looked me dead in my eyes
and was like,

"Yeah, I'm cheating on you."

Then she ate a fistful of eggs
like a monster.

Like a goddamn monster.

And it really broke
my heart.

And it really tore me up
inside.

You know what I'd do?
You know how I'd handle that?

I'd vacuum
and shut the fuck up.

It's like,
Beyoncé bought me
a Lexus.

You know how hard
it is to get a new Lex--
I think about this a lot,

like, the things
that we should deal with.

Beyoncé could hit me.

Like, seriously, I'd just be
wearing sunglasses to brunch.

Like, "Oh,
let me guess, Jerrod,
you ran into another door."

Like, look, man,
she's going through a lot.

She's on tour right now.
She's got a dance.

She's got a fucking--
fire comes up beside her

and she's got to remember
where the fire is.

She's going through a lot.
I'm not the best husband, okay?"

I'm trying to think
of what else

I would let Beyoncé
get away with.

Beyoncé could...

fight my mom once.

Like,
one for-real fistfight,

where she, like,
kicked my mom's ass.

And my phone call to my mom
would go like,

"Yeah, but she redid
your kitchen, Ma.

Let's see the big picture here.
What are we doing?"

Why does...?

What are we...?

What am I rebelling
against?

Like, why does
the idea of, like, love
and relationships and things

sound so foreign
and so fucked up to me?

I don't know.

I don't know what the...

What do I actually
believe in?

This is-- this may be
divisive...

but I, for one,
believe

that life begins
at Plan B.

Really.
Like, you haven't lived

until you've seen a girl
you barely trust

swallow a Plan B pill.

Really.
There is no greater joy
on Earth.

There is no better feeling
I could describe to you.

It's euphoric.
It's amazing.

It's amazing.
Like, the closest feeling to it,

ironically enough,
is having a child.

Like, that's the closest feeling
to watching a girl

just swallow the pill finally
and then drink a glass of water,

and the water wash away
the fears of tomorrow.

It's amazing.
It's amazing.

Oh, my God,
it's amazing.

Not having a kid is way better
than having a kid.

Way better.

And if you disagree,
it's because you probably
got kids.

And, hey,
good for you, really.

I mean that.
I'm sure your kid
is just the best.

Just the greatest.
Your little miracle.

Congratulations
on your little--

that's what my friends
call their kids-- miracles.

You know
what the difference

between a miracle
and a mistake is?

Two trimesters.

That's the difference.

It's like, "Oh, it's too late
to do something about this?

Oh, look at this blessing
God has blessed us with.

This little blessing
of ours."

I would like to meet
one parent

that speaks honestly
about their kid.

One parent that speaks
about their kid

without using words like
"gifted" or "advanced,"

that just talks about
how the kid's doing in school,

how the kid's doing in life
without you--

like, just-- just, like,
"Look, this is my son.

He's in the fifth grade

and he reads like
a fucking fifth grader.

What do you want from us?

What are you looking for?
The next president?

You may as well mosey along
to the next house.

I'm just raising
a regular dude.

At best, we hope he doesn't
murder anybody.

Just one parent
who talks like that.

Then maybe I would stop
rebelling against it.

Maybe not.
I don't know.

I think that being
a parent is exhausting.
It's a lot of work.

I really think
that being a parent

is essentially
a 12-year investigation

into making sure your kid
wasn't molested.

Yeah. No, I get it,
it sounds heavy.

But it is what it is.
I really think that.

Like, because kids
say a lot of things
that make you nervous.

You know, they allude to things.
You just want to keep them safe.

They say things-- I have
a nephew who does this
all the time.

Like, I was back home,

and all my nephew said was,

"People say weird stuff
in the bathroom sometimes."

That shut dinner down.

Okay?

We spent the next four hours
being like,

"What people?
What bathroom?

Did anybody touch
your dick?"

It was exhausting.

That's what being
a parent is.

Why are we still
doing that shit?

Why are we still having kids?
Man, what are we doing?

Some weird "Game of Thrones"
legacy shit?

If you don't agree
that not having a kid

is way better
than having a kid,

it's because you never
watch "Maury."

Because if you've seen at least
one episode of "Maury,"

you'd know
that when a man is told

he's not the father...

he dances.

Do you hear
what I'm saying to you?
He dances.

Do you know how happy
you have to be

to dance
in a crying baby's face?

The happiest.

You have to be so happy.

I don't think
I would dance.

Like, if I were told
I was not the father
on "Maury,"

I don't think
I would dance.

I think I would practice
more restraint.

I'd just give one of those
Tiger Woods victory...

You know, like--
( laughs )

Like when OJ won.
Just like a little...

( laughs )

I'm-- I'm--
I'm pro-choice, man.

I'm really pro-choice,
though.

Like, perhaps
too pro-choice.

Like, it's not really
an option?

I don't force anything,
obviously,

but I strongly suggest.

I'm one of those guys.
I really suggest.

She's like,
"Hey, I think I'm pregnant."

Then I'm like,
"All right, well,

we're going to take care
of that, right?"

Like, one of those guys.

"Just so we're clear
about 'take care of,'

I mean get an abortion,
not actually raise the child.

We got it-- you got it."

I don't even call it--
I don't even call it that
anymore.

I really-- I think
the labels are mixed up.

I think that getting an abortion
should be called being pro-life.

Because...

it just depends on whose life
we're talking about.

You talking about my life?

Yeah, I'm pro-living my life,
doing what I want to do.

No babysitter.
I'm into that.

I try and make it
sound cute, though.

Like, a really important thing
that I've learned--

an important life lesson
that I want to share
with you guys

is that if you're going
to ask a woman

to get an abortion--

if you're going to do it,
if the situation calls for it,

you got to make that shit
sound adorable.

Like, you do.
When you ask,

you can't even use
your regular voice.

"Go get an abortion."
That's too abrasive.

That makes water shake in glass,
like in "Jurassic Park."

You got to make it
sound fun.

You got to make it sound
like a fun activity

that the two of you
are going to do together

on a Saturday.

Like, you got to make it
sound delightful.

Like, she's like,
"Hey, I think I'm pregnant."

You got to go,
"All right, well,

tomorrow morning
we'll just go down
to the doctor and...

boop-boop-be-doop."

Like, that type of shit.
That's how you ask.

You got to make it sound--
you got to use baby talk.

Am I going to find love?
I don't know.

I don't know what I'm doing,
God damn it.

That's a fear.

I realize I got a lot of--

I got a lot of fears.

A lot of things
I'm terrified of.

I'm afraid of going bald
before I fuck Rihanna.

You know, that's a big fear.
I think about that a lot.

I'm not going bald,
but I also haven't slept
with Rihanna yet,

and it's like this race.

And that's not even
the top three.

That's, like,
my number four fear.

Like, my number three fear
is the cough of an immigrant.

And then my number two fear
is ISIS.

I think about ISIS a lot.

I'm afraid of ISIS.
You guys seem fine.

You guys are so brave.
Look at you.

You don't think about ISIS?
You never consider it?

I'm terrified of ISIS.
I think about them a lot.

Like, in all of my plans,
I think about ISIS.

I think about
going to a place

that's, like,
shoot-up-able.

Like, any time
I leave my home,

I have to think about
where I'm going.

I only go to places
ISIS approves of.

Really, like, I got invited
to a lesbian wedding.

And I really wanted
to go.

I really did.
I just-- I couldn't.

I just kept staring
at the invitation, thinking,

"ISIS isn't going
to like this."

You know what I mean?
Like, I could hear
the news story.

I could see the yellow tape.
It made me nervous.

Only go to places
ISIS approves of.

It dictates
all of my thoughts

and all of my actions
and decisions.

Like, this girl thought
we were going to go
to the movies

at 8:00 p.m.
on a Friday night.

I was like,
"What are you, crazy?

That's just when ISIS thinks
I go to the movies."

I said, "I will see you
at 11:00 a.m. Monday morning...

where it's safe.

But that's, like,
not even number--

my number one fear...

How do I say this?

Uh...

my number one fear is...

I'm afraid
of rape accusations.

I really am.

I've been avoiding them...

by doing this thing
where...

I just don't rape anybody.

- ( applause )
- And it's going great.

No, thank you.
I appreciate it.

Yeah, but-- yeah, I mean,
thank you for clapping.

It's going great for now.
I don't know.

Like, I don't know
what's going to happen.

For now I'm afraid
of the accusation.

I'm not going
to rape anybody,

I'm just afraid
of the accusation.

Perhaps it's irrational.
I get that it's irrational.

But I'm just afraid
of there being

some sort of, like,
misunderstanding.

When's the last time you were
about to sleep with someone
and they went,

"Ahem, yes, I would like
to have sex with you now."

No one says it.
We don't say it out loud.

We don't communicate enough
during sex.

Shit sounds gross.

To actually say what you want,
to ask for things,

to request things during sex
is too much.

Like, if I want a blowjob,
I can't say to a young woman,
"Suck my dick."

That's so aggressive.

That's not how you win
the heart of a young lady.

That's how you win a rap battle.
"Suck my dick"?

Can you imagine
saying that?

"Suck my dick"?
You don't say that.

That's what lends itself
to the fear.

Also, because sex
gets kind of rapey sometimes.

It does.
It really does.

It's mostly because
choking is in right now.

You guys knew that.

No, choking is hot right--
did you not know that?

Oh, choking is hot.
Choking's the new "Pokémon Go."

That shit is sweeping
the streets.

Everybody's choking.
Are you guys not choking?

What are you waiting for?
Get out there and choke.

Come on,
what are you...?

Everybody's choking.
Everybody, except me.

I'm not choking.
I would like to choke.

I just-- I just can't.
I don't.

I don't choke.

Mostly because I sleep
with a lot of white girls.

I don't know,
there's just something

about seeing
my black hand...

like, around
their porcelain neck
that just feels dangerous.

It feels dangerous.

Like, any time my hand
gets close to their neck,
I can hear sirens.

It's like...
( imitates siren )

I'm not choking her,
but...

But you guys should go choke.
What are you waiting for?

Get out there and choke.

Go choke for me.

It's mostly about
after sex.

That's all it's about.

You just want to make sure
you're on the same page.

You know?

That's why now,
after sex,

because of my fear
of these accusations,

like, I send a very lovely
text message.

Really.
Like a delightful text.

One that reads,

"I just want to thank you

for that great consensual sex
that we had.

Please confirm 1 for yes."

( mutters )

The only thing weirder
than finding out

your father has
a second family...

is finding out that you guys
are that second family.

What else should
we talk about?

- ( music playing )
- ( singers vocalizing )