All language subtitles for iCarly (2021) S02E06

Ow.

Are you still feeling sorry
for yourself?

You gotta shake this off.

I can't. I am totally blocked
for new sketch ideas.

And look at these comments.

"Remember when iCarly
was funny?"

It's like, words hurt,
MilkMilkLemonade69.

I'm sorry, Carly.

You're just in a little rut.

You'll shake it off soon.

Maybe by taking a shower.

I know.
I should be more like you.

Most people should.

It's like you didn't
even notice

Dutch was on that
"Worst Dressed" list.

Dutch was on what?

No! I styled this outfit!

Aw, I lost my mojo.

I'm a total failure,
and everything sucks,

and nothing
will ever get better,

and your thing
won't get better either!

Lotta snacks in here.
Got any wine?

Red or white?

Carly!
Hey, are you okay?

Yeah, why?

You texted me,
"Come to the studio. 911."

You weren't responding,
so your mom said

throw 911
on a vague text.

She abuses it.
She texts 911 every time

Kelly Ripa's on TV.

She loves her arms.

I'm sorry I've been MIA.

With the Kevin app, Pearl,
Millicent, Kelly Ripa...

I just don't have
very much time for iCarly.

Or "IRL Carly."

Which is why I've come up
with something brilliant

to get us out of our rut.

I asked our fans to send in
ideas for what they want to

- see me do on iCarly.
- Oh.

Whoa, so many!

All right, cool, well...
Let's delete

all the ones
from Mandy Valdez...

and any with the word "feet"
in the file name...

And that leaves us with two.

Fredward, it's your mother.

I'm dying.

Joy Behar is
in for Kelly Ripa today.

Huh?

Carly, ciao.

Or, as they say in Seattle,
where I live now, hello.

Oh, my God.
It's Paul.

That's Paul?
Your producer from Italian QVC?

Yeah. I haven't seen him
in forever.

He's the best producer
that I've ever worked with.

In Europe.

I made the jump
from producer to manager,

and I would love
to represent you.

Huh. You know, I never really
thought about getting a manager,

but this could be exactly
what we need right now.

We've been
making iCarly for 15 years.

What do we need this guy for?

Now, you're
probably wondering,

"What do we need
this guy for?"

Oh. That was cool.

Come on, that was cool.

So I'm guessing
you didn't receive

many useful submissions.

Nowadays, people
want to drive traffic

to their own platforms,
not boost yours.

They are, as we used to say
in Italy, narcisista.

I have so many ideas
to take your show

to the next level.

Nope. We do not need

some rando coming in here,

and telling us what to do.

No. Paul is no rando.

Look, he's got big clients.

The Tiny Psychic.

Mayor Pete.

Oh, not the guy who ran
for president,

a beagle named Pete
who's in charge of the town.

Ah, shoot. There's a crisis
with the Kevin app.

A therapy fox got
into a therapy henhouse,

and you can imagine
how that went.

Uh, we can talk about this
another time, okay?

Aw, look at Mayor Pete
breaking ground

on a new library.

Oh. No, he's
just hiding a bone.

If you had asked me
six months ago

to design the uniforms
for your restaurant,

I would've open-hand
slapped you in the face.

Ooh, with rings on?

Why am I excited?
I need to unpack that.

But now, since
I'm a complete failure,

I figured a low-stakes job
might help me

get my mojo back.

- You ready?
- Shh!

You're not.
Jack, get out here!

And show Spencer
his new server uniforms.

You hate it.

Hate is a strong word.

- That describes how you feel?
- Yes.

Can you even move your arms?

Oh, I can't move anything.

But can you take a picture?

I feel like Rihanna.

Harper, this is a disaster!

Shay What is getting reviewed
by a restaurant critic

for the first time tonight
and, unlike Rihanna,

our servers cannot serve.

Jack, you can go.

Actually, I can't.

Both my legs are asleep.

You have to let me fix this.

There's no time.
Look, I'll just stick

with the old uniforms.
It's no big deal.

Yes, big deal!
I'm nothing sans mojo.

Your mojo is still required,
but your assignment has changed.

Come sit at the bar later,
and talk about how delicious

everything is, loud enough
for the critic to hear.

I have always fancied myself
an actress.

Mm.

Delicious.

My God.
Meryl could never.

Freddie!

Freddie?

Carly?
What are you doing here?

Well, you're dressed
like a chicken, so...

What the cluck?

The fox has been loose
for hours,

and Freddie can't catch him,
so I suggested he try

and trick it into thinking
he was a chicken.

Obviously, I said no,
but then Pearl bit her lip

in this really cute way,
like...

It's cute
when she does it.

Why are you here?

I wanted to talk
more about Paul.

- Ugh.
- You've just been so busy,

and I think it might
really be helpful

to have someone else
on the team.

Honestly, I'd rather not.

- I'm sorry.
- Oh.

Shoot.

I really thought
you were gonna say yes,

so I'm sorry, too.

Hey, anybody looking
for a fox?

This guy just loves me.

That was amazing.

Freddie, the fox must've seen
your chicken costume.

Come on.

Go home, friend.

Paul, this is Freddie.

He's usually not
in a chicken costume.

Yeah, I was gonna say,
"What the cluck?"

- I just made that joke.
- 'Cause it's really good.

- Yeah!

Funny how I didn't laugh
either time.

Freddie, I-I came down here
to ask you a question. Um...

Did you want iCarly
to be the most successful

web series in history?

Or did you want it to just be
like a massive failure?

I mean, probably

the most successful
web series in history.

Duh. You don't have to answer
a question like that, Freddie.

It begins.

What begins?

This is a partnership.

Get ready for greatness, guys,

'cause I've been brainstorming
and I've got

some really,
really great ideas.

Freddie, do you want me
to share those great ideas

or just keep them to myself?

Well, answer the man.

- Share?
- It begins.

I thought it already began.

Oh, it's begun.

First, focus on merchandising.

Create content that features
things you can sell,

like an iCarly doll.

Ooh! Can my doll wear glasses?

I've always wanted to see what
I'd look like with glasses on.

She can be as visually
impaired as you want.

Next great idea, live tour.

Podcasters make bank
on the road, why not you, Carly?

Oh, no.
Freddie won't go on tour.

He watched a Dateline
about hotel sheets, so...

Cool.

Now, my last idea...
it's actually not great.

It's amazing.

Would you guys mind if I just
shake things up a little bit,

and throw out an amazing idea?

No, Paul.
I don't mind.

So it begins.

- For a third time?
- That's right.

Thrice begunst.

Collaborate
with other influencers.

It-- Carly, there's simply
no better way

to introduce you
to new fans.

I can get you a collab
with The Tiny Psychic.

You shut your dirty mouth!

What do you think, Freddie?

Do you want to make
the greatest episode

of iCarly in history?

Or do you want it to just
be like some massive--

Don't do Paul's thing.

I will agree to it, but
please don't do Paul's thing.

Absolutely.

But it begins!

- She did it again.

I did it again.

But I'm done now.

Wow! She's even tinier
in person.

You know what's not tiny?

Her list of ex-husbands.

Seven. All dead.

Hey, sorry I'm late,
but, uh...

You probably knew
that was gonna happen, right?

Doesn't work like that.

In five, four,

three, two...

Carly, we'll be doing
your past, present and future

card readings today.

Oh. Do you know how I die?

No, don't tell me.

Do tell me.
Is it poison?

- I hope it's poison.

Uh, shoot. Sorry.
Um, someone's texting me

about the Kevin app.
I'll just-- I'll silence it.

Should we just shoot it
on my phone?

I've got a prototype
of the 2023 PearPhone.

It has, like, 11 cameras.

Just CAT scanned
your brain, bro.

We shoot iCarly
on my equipment.

First, your past.

The chicken card.

The chicken
represents possessiveness,

extreme sensitivity
and being too busy

to do your job.

Pfft. Seriously?

How much did you pay her
to say this, Paul?

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Chicken card?
I was literally

just dressed
like a chicken.

Carly, the next card
is your present.

Ah, yes, the fox card.

Oh, come on!

- What?
- Fox card?

I bet the fox card is
all the things Paul is.

The fox represents confidence,
cleverness, and beginnings.

I did not tell her
to say that. Okay?

But I told you
it has begun.

Look, I'm not the fox,
you're not the chicken, right?

Let's just start over
and use my sick PearPhone

that only I and Tom Cruise have.

This is exactly why I didn't
want to bring him on, okay?

He's just trying
to make me look bad.

- Give me that.
- Why?

- I thought you didn't want it.
- Well, now it's the only way

-Hey.
- we're gonna be able
to shoot the segment.

Can you guys just try
to work together? Please!

My crystal ball!

It was a marble.

This is all your fault.

Look, I'm sorry, but
I cannot work with this guy.

Okay? It's either him or me.

Ah, that's exactly
what a chicken would say.

Oh! So I am the chicken.

All right, ladies,
you guys are like my food critic

test run,
so what do you think?

Tomatoes? In the winter?

So help me God, if there's
blueberries in my dessert,

I'm gonna scream.

I guess this dump has never
heard of a little thing

called "seasonality."

Uh, we've heard of it.

We just decided to go
in a different,

less fresh direction.

Thank you for helping out.

Honestly, thank you.

It's been good to get my mind
off my lack of mojo.

I'm going method.

Harper is a 29 year-old stylist
who's rude to waiters.

I want to move!
It's drafty!

All right, he's here.
Time to shine.

Good evening, fine sir.

Before I seat you,
may I take your coat off,

which you're not wearing?

If it's okay,
I'll just walk around.

I ate before I came.

Good call.
Wish I had done the same.

They served us tomatoes
in this weather.

Where are we, Portugal?

Her mouth says Portugal,
but her humor says Catskills.

Uh-huh.

All right, this guy's
a weird one.

You're gonna have
to really sell it.

Mmm...

Even I, whomst is
famously rude to waiters,

cannot be rude when the food
is this delectable.

Mmm.

I would've expected
something more believable.

Instead, you're giving desperate
stylist posing as an actor.

A little more derivative
than your other work, but okay.

Wait a minute. What do you
mean, "my other work"?

This is an art installation,
right?

Or did the Spencer Shay
quit making art

to open a restaurant?

Guess you had nothing left
to say. Pity.

Uh... You thought
this was a restaurant?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You were right.

This is an installation.

You're literally in the art.

You are the art.

"Yart."

Would you excuse me, please?

Okay.
He's not a food critic.

He is an art critic, so we need
a new plan or we kill him.

Those are the only two options.

Maybe it would help
if my character were French.

Garcon, croissant!

No.

Oh, you're safe.

Can't believe I fell
for "911 quicksand."

How'd she get you to come?

She just asked me.

Follow me, guys.

What is this?

It's an opportunity
for the two of you

to learn
how to work together,

to become the team
that I know you can be.

It's an escape room.

I really wish I had peed.

Freddie, inizia.
That's Italian for, "it begins."

Ah. Disagree, Paul.

It is not beginning.

So why don't you just go back
to where you came from?

Italy.
Or so you say.

Actually, joke's on you,
because I was originally born

in Iowa, two weeks early.
What's up?

Guys, stop it.

Did that wall just move?

Carly, are you okay?
I know you get claustrophobic.

Yeah, bro,
I know stuff about her.

Remember, I was her you
in Italy,

except better, because
I look dope eating pasta.

- Don't you eat that pasta.
- Mmm, here, have some.
It's good.

Don't-- Don't feed it to me.

- Trust me, it's really good.
- I am full!

Guys, the walls closing in
was not in the brochure

and I am trying
not to freak out.

I always wanted
to learn the flute!

I just had to say that
before I die,

which is obviously happening.

Wow. These magazines from
the '70s have not aged well.

They made cigarettes
exclusively for pregnant women?

Carly, little help?

No. You have
to work together,

'cause I am
too busy freaking out.

God, I wish I was pregnant,

so I could have
one of those cigarettes.

Paul, will you stop trying
to turn on that computer

- and come help me?
- Hey, if I wanted to turn

this computer on,
all I would have to say

is, "Sup, girl?"

What are you doing?

There. I did it.

What do you mean,
you did it?

I did 95% of the work

and you came in
and took all the credit,

which is exactly what you're
trying to do with iCarly.

Can you guys
just stop arguing

and figure out what the clue
on the TV means?

No! No! I can't die!

I never got Ricky Martin
to sign my wrist.

All right, change of plans.

This guy is an art critic,
so he is about to have

the worst
dining experience ever.

Please, do me the honor
of having an awful meal.

So just continue on
as we were.

Yeah.

Bon appétit!
Losers!

Our meat isn't undercooked.

It's frozen!

They kind of look like
boomerangs, so why don't you

toss them and see
if they come back to you?

Oof!

Nope!

Mark?

Are you asking me
to marry you?

I thought you were
proposing to me tonight.

Now I have to watch her
get engaged?

Some music
for your special evening?

- Ugh, no!

It's for real.

Would you like some water, sir?

Uh...

Excellent! Waiters
these days are drowning

in the outrageous demands
of the consumer.

- Okay.

Leaving so soon?
What'd you think?

It's been
a devastating commentary

on the toxic relationship
between those who serve

and those who are served.

Okay!

But it didn't have
that Spencer Shay

signature touch.
Pity.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my good arm!
Oh, my good arm!

- My less good arm!
- Oh, my God!

This must be a metaphor
for something.

Oh, that's right.

The service industry
is burned out.

And unless something changes,
it always will be!

Now that's the Spencer Shay
touch I was looking for.

No longer a pity!

Yes! We did it!
I'm so happy for you.

- Hospital?

Yup!

- Fire is hot.
- It usually is, baby.

Can you guys please
get us out of here?

I am hyperventilating, I'm on
the verge of a panic attack,

and I picked
an exhausting distraction.

Seriously, this is what people
won't shut up about?

Ooh.
iCarly exercise video.

Ooh, sucky idea.

Hey, you two both keep saying

that you want what's best
for iCarly.

Well, guess what?

I'm Carly, so I know
what's best for the show.

And that's for both of you
to work on it.

Together.

But if you can't work together,
then I'll do it myself.

I don't want to do it myself.
Make up already.

She's right, okay?
I'm sorry.

I-I know how much she loved
working with you in Italy,

and I-I don't know,
I guess I just felt...

- threatened by you.
- Yes!

Good stuff, Freddie.

Paul, now you go.

I'm sorry, too.

You guys have been doing this
for 15 years.

No one could replace
what you do for the show.

I shouldn't have come in so hot.
Or tall.

But I-I can't help
either of those things.

Attaboy, Paul.

Very powerful stuff.

Now, get us out of here.

All right. Um, let's, uh,
let's start with the code

on the TV, okay?
Maybe it's a combination.

Uh...

The leather briefcase!

Ooh, oh, yeah.
Uh, okay.

Four one seven.

Come on, come on, come on!

- Attaboy! Okay.
- Okay.

Uh, uh...

Maybe the next clue is up?

Okay, um...

Paul, give me a boost.

- I would love to boost you.
- Okay. Here we go.

- Wow, nice boost.
- Thanks.

Oh, oh.

Yeah! Yeah!

- Are you okay?
- Oh, yeah. I was always okay.

I knew the walls
were gonna do that,

so I took a beta blocker.

I thought that wasn't
in the brochure.

I lied.

Wait, where are we?

It looks like... the '80s?

But I thought
we were done.

You're not done.

You still have four more
decades to escape from.

Ooh. Uh... okay.

Uh-oh.

- Yeah, that's real.

All right, Carly, Carly.
It's okay. Maybe...

Just, uh, just take a moment...

"Spencer Shay's
latest installation

"was unbridled madness,

"right down to the absurd
and dangerous uniforms,

"which can only be described
as Louis XIV

impregnates a pineapple!"

Oh!

Oh. What's that?

That's my mojo, y'all.

- I got it back!

Wow, I actually thought
you were gonna catch something,

right there.

Thank you. I've been doing
some acting recently.

I said no ice!

Stuff like that.

I love being a part
of this community of artists.

Mm. Uh...

Freddie and I came up
with a bunch

of new sketch ideas
that Paul loves.

- Mm-hmm.
- Highlight reel...

"Tiny Psychic Food Critic."

It's The Tiny Psychic
reviewing food

before she eats it.

- "Meatball Golf."
- It's golf.

But with meatballs.

And "CAT Scan," which is me
getting a CAT scan.

It's her
getting a CAT scan.

Freddie, see, I could never
do this show without you.

Boop.

Ooh. What about escape womb?

Oh, like
escape room for babies.

I love it!

Ooh, yeah. That's on me.

I left my gummies out again.

Can you go make sure
they're okay?

Nah, they'll be back
for the chips.

Ooh!

He hates these cans.