All language subtitles for Suicide.For.Beginners.2022.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG

- Oh my god.

- What was that?

- Suicide is precarious.

There are a lotta different
schools of thought

on killing yourself.

Beyond just pro and con, I mean.

And believe me,

there is a totally pro-suicide
contingent out there.

They just aren't as
vocal as the other guys.

Because well, for the
most part, they're dead.

Think this stuff would
kill you if you drank it?

- Says it's toxic.

- But is this, feel
a little woozy,

I don't go to work
the next day toxic?

Or is this, Lord hide the
eyes of your children,

it's melting my face off toxic?

For clean, pills
are your best bet.

They're simple,
elegant, merciful.

Just close your eyes
and wake up in the arms

of whatever God you believe in.

Unless you wake up three
months later to discover

that you've just slipped
into a coma and some orderly

has been charging
truckers 20 bucks a pop

to have sex on you.

But, who says taking yourself
out all neat-like is a virtue?

Why not go out in a violent,
mangley way people remember?

Tofu, extra firm tofu.

Oh my god, veg, Vegenaise?

What in the hell?

I have a coupon for a meat
lovers and cheesy breadsticks.

Don't rule this a suicide.

The coroner's report should
read, "Cause of death,

a broken heart and
a fucking rabbit."

- What do you think?

- What is it?

- It's a rabbit.

- Is it abstract?

- No, it's a rabbit.

Okay, his name is
Othor the Terrible.

He's traveled through,
through hell and back

to reclaim his lady rabbit.

And now he's coming
home victorious,

but having paid a heavy price.

- So it's a metaphorical rabbit?

- No. It's a rabbit who's
had some hard times, man.

- I don't trust rabbits.

- Hey, sweet rabbit, baby.

- Thanks, babe.

- "There are a lotta
different schools of thought

on suicide.

There are a lotta ways to die.

Lately, I've considered
most of them.

The one I can't
live with though,

the death I can't abide is the
one that takes 60 years or so

spending small days
in a small home,

in a small suburb,
with anyone but you.

I hope you miss me every day.

And I hope you know
this is all your fault.

Love always, Mia."

I'm gonna need you to sign this.

- Hey, uh, large meat lovers
and cheesy mozzarella sticks

for one Steven Sanders.

- Just slide it
through the crack.

- What? That's ridiculous.

That is also what
she said.

- It's fine, just
you hand me the pie,

I'll hand you the cash.

- It won't fit, man.

- Didn't you ever
play Tetris as a kid?

- Not with pizza, no.

Your toppings are gonna
be a mess now, dude.

Something wrong with your face?

- No. Why?

- Do you have elephantiasis?

- No.

- Ah, just wondering.

You know, my girlfriend's
got this thing

that when she gets
nervous, she sweats a lot.

Like a lot, like I am
genuinely concerned

about her hydration sometimes.

A sweaty little girl.

I mean, it's not like,

it isn't anything
like an eight-pound
testicle or anything,

but she's got a couple a
extra t-shirts in her car.

She's got this thing
of antiperspirant

basically comes out of
a holster, you know?

Yeah, one time I, I
delivered a pie to a lady,

had a nipple right
on her eyeball.

True story, nipple right there
in the corner of her eyeball.

But it's all rock
and roll to me, man.

I mean, 'cause we're
just, we're just living,

you know, just living.

There you go.

- Listen, it's just
been a long day

and I don't really feel like
seeing anybody right now.

- I mean, you've been crying?

Oh man, did your dad die?

- What? Of course not? No.

Why, why would you say that?

- It's basically the
only acceptable reason

for a grown-ass man
to cry, you know.

- What if it was a girl?

- Ah. Feelings and
shit, I get it.

Well, enjoy your pie, sir.

- How 'bout if I
tip you to listen?

- So what's the
young lady's name?

- Mia. I mean, Elaine,
Elaine, Elaine.

- Huh. I dated an Elaine once.

Yeah. Girl had immaculate
sentence structure.

It was really something.

Course she ended up
being an arsonist,

which was unfortunate.

- So what would you say to her
if you wanted to say goodbye?

- I'd say, while
I'm at the store,

please do not set my
cat on fire, you know.

I mean she lived, my,
my cat, but you know,

hasn't been the same ever since.

Just kinda walks around
all bald and confused now.

- Hey.

- Kinda feel like we're in
Zach Braff movie right now.

Nobody puts baby in
the corner.

Wait a second. That's not right.

Anyway, I think you're gonna
enjoy this Friday show, dude.

It's totally fresh to death.

Kinda like arena glam rock
with some heavy gangster

rap influences, all
done in chip tune.

I call it eight bit cock hop.

You know you got a little
bit a sauce right there

on the chin.

Yeah, right, right there.

- Go away.

- Look, I'm sorry, Poodle.
He was a really chatty dude.

I mean he wanted to
know all about my cat,

and, and there was this girl
whose name he didn't know

that he kept going
on and on about.

Next thing you know, we're
talking about Paul Newman

and wolves, and he's
probably gonna kill himself.

Ah.

Probably not. You know?

Just a big maybe on that.

I mean, who, who's to say?

Huh, you know, 30% of
Americans do commit suicide

every single day.

- Ah.

- And that's some
serious math right there.

Some scary stuff.

But, but he won't.

He wouldn't, 'cause
he's, you know,

he's got his stuff together.

Little douchy, yeah
but,

you know, he's fine.

- We have to bake him a cake.

- But I've got deliveries
to make, Poodle.

- Yes, you do. Today,
we're delivering hope.

- What?

- Buttercream frosted hope.

- Hey, Mia.

Mia.

Hello, I am Sockio Sockio.

Hi, and I am Luigi Sockio.

We are Italian and
we have-a mustaches.

And we bring to you,
our ancestral food stuff

from the ancient
island of Italy,

which is where we
are from.

- Okay, first of all,
Italy is a peninsula.

And secondly, you're
a fucking asshole.

- I wrote you a
dinner theater play.

- Oh. Oh, I take back
what I said then.

I'd like you to kill me now,

so I don't have
a listen act two.

- Well that was very hurtful.

The second act is
a fierce takedown

of the banking
industrial complex.

And I think you would've
really enjoyed it.

I'm only trying to
cheer you up, Mia, but

fine, you know what?

Have it your way.

Here, pizza.

- I can't eat that.

- What do you mean?

I mean, it's a good.

It's from-a the place
around the corner.

- I don't eat cheese.

- What do you mean,
you don't eat cheese?

- You know this.

- I spent like forever
picking little pieces of ham

and hamburger and emu off of
here, and it was really hot.

I mean I burnt my,

I didn't really, I didn't
actually burn myself,

but I did it over and over again

and it was really
uncomfortable for me.

I'm trying really hard here,
Mia, and you don't even care.

What do you want from me?

You want me to let you
go? Is that what you want?

- Yes.

- Okay, well I, I can't do that.

I mean, I'm just,
I'm brainstorming.

Is there anything else?

- Garrett, I don't know
what's going on here.

I don't have a
fucking clue, okay.

And, I'm not mad anymore, okay?

So just, please, let me go.

- I'll get you a
waffle.

- Boy.

How you bum
your leg, boy child?

- I was part of the commando
unit sent in to squash

some insurgent activity
over on Sycamore Drive.

I busted my leg on extraction.

- Ha, almost same
thing happens to me,

outside of Hanoi in '72.

Now, my leg parts, mostly
rebar and duct tape.

It's the man in black pajamas
who I'm shooting at. You?

- Fifth grade girls.

- Ah, just as dangerous.

- I hear you, brother.

What kind of gun is that?

- Makarov, nine millimeter.

- Can I see it?

- Sure.

- Whoa. Can I shoot something?

- Sure. Um, shoot Glen.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm joking.

It's joke, ha-ha.

All right, maybe we
shoot Glen later, huh?

- Hello, and welcome
to YouTube's edition

of how to tie a noose.

Step one in tying
noose, find a rope.

Once you have your rope,

you shall start tying
your noose as such.

Now that you have learned
to tie a proper loop,

you must now follow step 15.

In step 15, you shall...

Take the end of the rope and
place it through the bunny hole

and out the rabbit hatch.

And if you take that
last bit of string,

pull it nice and tight, voila,

you now have yourself
a full bonafide noose.

- Hey.

Oh, what happened here?

- I dropped my waffle.

Well, we'll get you another one.

I don't want you to
eat off the floor.

Okay. I'm gonna take
this off of you.

What I don't want you to
do is be too mean to me.

If I wanted to be brow
beaten or made fun of,

I could call my mom.

- What's with the neck
wear there, buddy?

- Oh, this.

Yes, well, I guess you decided
to hang yourself in the end.

Out of guilt.

It's a classic.

- I don't think I did
decide to do that.

I think I'd remember that.

- Vegetables do weird
things to people's brains.

You should stop eating them.

- Let me go.

- Oh, I can't do that.

- Why?

- I think you'd be
very upset if you knew.

- You're gonna kill me.

I'm upset!

- Hey, please don't
be like this, don't.

Can't you just, I'm a nice
guy. I'm a damn bunny rabbit.

- Nice guys don't kidnap
and kill innocent people.

Monsters do that, and
fuckheads. Fuckhead monsters.

- He was cheating
on you, you know?

- What?

- You were one of
half a dozen girls

he didn't even care about.

I've actually taken the
liberty of putting together

a PowerPoint
presentation for you.

- A PowerPoint?

- Oh yeah.

Oh, there he is, Ben.

He moved in with me
and ruined everything.

- Whoo-hoo.

- I hated the way he seduced
you with his slick ways

and his sex parts.

- Help! Help!

Help.

Help!

- Hello?

- He's really shy.

He doesn't have elephantiasis
though. I'm pretty sure.

- Uh, hey!

Hey, open the door.

Please.

Hi. We brought you a cake.

- She makes cakes. Pretty good.

- Why are you here?

- She made me leave work
early to buy cake stuff.

- What happened to your hand?

- It's from a monkey.

- A monkey?

- Yeah. I train helper
monkeys for citizens.

Citizens who need monkeys.

- Oh. I love monkeys.

There's a monkey on
the cake. See?

Can we come in and
meet the monkey?

- No, no. God, no. He's angry.

You actually need
to leave. Okay?

But, thanks for the cake.

Yeah, it looks, looks good.

I like monkeys.

- Wait. I just want you
to know that we're here.

- I can see that.

- No, I mean we're here for you.

- I'm fine. Okay?

- Oh my god.

- What?

- You have a noose
around your neck.

- No, I don't.

- Maybe we should go, Poodle.

- There is a noose
around his neck.

He is going to
kill himself, Rick.

- Maybe he's a gasper, like
into autoerotic asphyxiation.

I don't know.

I, I feel weird. This is
really personal stuff.

- I'm not gonna kill myself.

- See, it's all good.

Catch you at the
cock-hop show, right?

- Yeah.

- There is a noose around,

there is a noose around you.

There is a noose
around his neck.

- Go away.

- I don't think
he wants us here.

- He does want us here.

- Clearly, he doesn't. Clearly.

- No one is killing anyone.

My girlfriend and I,

we just have a
complicated relationship.

- I told you it was a sex thing.

- That's it.

That's it, we have uh,

sweet, sweet,
complicated intercourse.

But, I need you to go now
because of all the intercourse.

So, thanks for the monkey cake.

Okay, and, oh you, you might
wanna go run off to the car

and grab one of
those extra shirts.

Yeah, your pits are kind of
swampy. Okay now, bye-bye.

I hate people.
Especially other people.

You, you're not so bad,
but for the most part,

people who need people,

they are just the most
annoying people in the world.

Some people will draw you in
with the way they have skin.

Or, they smell like
vanilla coconut candy.

And, then they make you feel
like you can trust them.

And it turns out that they're
just big, fat liar cats,

and that they're sleeping
with other people

right behind your back.

- I never slept with you
in front of your back.

- Don't you see
how that's worse?

- I don't know what
you're talking about.

- You can't ignore
me anymore, Mia.

I mean, look at me.

I'm the last thing
you're ever gonna see.

What we had, it was cosmic.

It was a love I thought was
gonna watch the stars turn cold.

And you're just,

anyway, I'm not mad at you,
I just want you to know,

I mean, I forgive you.

- Hm.

- Help, help.

Mia!

Help, help me.

- I'm sorry, Poodle. He was
having a really bad day.

- A complete stranger. You
met him one time, Rick.

Do you tell everybody
that your girlfriend

has sweaty arm stains?

Is that like your Facebook
status or something?

- I love you.

- Who else have you told?

- What's important is that--

- Who else?

- Well--
- Who else?

- I have told many, many people.

- You know what your problem is?

- I know several of them.

- Do you even understand
what's happening right now?

- I understand some of
what's happening right now.

- You never even
notice what's going on

right under your nose.

- Are you kidding me?

I'm like fucking Daredevil.

Like hyper aware of, you
know, my shit at all times.

- I'm hyper aware
that you're an idiot.

- Is that nice?

Hm-mm.

Check this.

There's a car, PT Cruiser,
hunter green, fairly mint.

It's carrying three children,
about to round the corner.

They're watching
SpongeBob in the backseat.

Squidward's flipping
a Krabby Patty.

The middle child has ADHD and
just ate Cheez-Its for lunch.

Okay, but you got to admit
that would've been pretty dope.

Also, Krabby Patty? Band name.

- Do we even care that
he's going to kill himself?

- He's not going to--

- He has a noose
around his neck.

- So? Flava Flav's been
wearing a clock since the '80s.

- What?

- I'm just saying, I've
seen worse fashion.

Like, remember the time
Byork wore a fricking goose

or whatever to the Oscars?

Now that was fucked up.

- You're unbelievable.

- He said he's not
going to kill himself.

- That's exactly what
someone would say

if they were going
to kill themself.

- Sure.

But it's also exactly
what someone would say

who's not going to
kill themselves.

Huh?

Conundrum.

- Get in there and fix this,

or find somewhere
else to sleep tonight.

- No!

- I have tried really
hard to be fair to you.

I almost died up there.

You scared me.

If I had any idea how
to tie a proper knot,

I'd be dead right now.

How, how did you even?

What, did you chew through this?

You're not getting
any monkey cake.

- Fuck you!

- Steve?

- Steve?

- Damn, I hate people.

Sh.

- Steve?

- Hold on.

Why are you in my house?

- I thought you were trying
to get our attention.

- Well, I wasn't.

- Oh my god. You have
scratches on your face.

- Oh yeah, that's from the,
that's from the monkey.

He's in a really foul mood.

I don't know what
his problem is.

- Where is he?

- I sent him to his room to
think about what he had done.

- Hm.

- Did you spank him?

You know, for being bad,
did you spank your monkey?

- We were worried about you.

- Can you worry about me
in someone else's house?

- We're here for you.

We care about you.

- Super.

- Mm.

- Mm.

- So, what's your monkey's name?

- Ampersand.

- Mm.

Ah, uh, okay.

Uh, Steve, we're worried
about you, uh, apparently.

We want you to know
that we both like you.

You are liked, and
you are a good person.

I mean, probably, I don't know.

Oh, you really shouldn't have
said that arm sweat thing

to Abigail though.

You know, I'm not gonna
get too down on you

because you're going
through this whole

killing yourself thing, but
that was messed up, dude.

I'm just sayin'.

It really was, but, but,
but we like you, a lot.

Whole bunches.

- How 'bout some
drinks with the cake?

- Mm.

- That would be lovely,
Steve. Thank you.

- Oh. She's really pretty.

- The prettiest
ones are the worst.

- He doesn't mean you, Poodle.

- Of course I don't mean
her. Why would I mean her?

I said the pretty ones.

- So what happened
between you guys?

- She ruined my life.

- How did she do that?

- Doesn't matter.

- It does matter.

Because we care.

- It just really wasn't any
one thing in particular.

It's like this, okay.

I used to bring her
flowers, and she's beautiful

and so she expects flowers,
like they just appear.

And one day I used my
key that she gave me.

We exchanged keys and I used
my key to leave her flowers.

- Ben, you got me flowers?

- Yeah. I--

- They're gorgeous.

Look, there's a card.

- Oh, hey, why
don't you let me uh,

why don't you let me read that

like one of those sexy,
romantic voiceovers, huh?

- Okay.

- In a desert life, you are
a refreshing, sexy beverage,

like an Arnold Palmer.

- Okay.

- Or a Sprite that I think
about at night times.

Love, Ben.

- That's weird.

- Yes.

It is weird.

- But it's sweet.

- I have to have you, right now.

- Right now?

- Right this very second.

- Okay.

- Yeah.

Oh, right there.

Yeah.

- Holy shit.

- Wow.

- So you were just under
the, like the whole?

- That's really something.

- Yeah.

How are the drinks?

- They smell funny.

Like not a ha-ha funny, but.

- Oh my god, that's strong.

- Kind of burns. It
smell like it burns?

- Oh, it's a cocktail.

- Oh. We don't drink.

- Nah. Gave up drinking.

- You don't drink at all?

- Nope.

- Not even wine coolers?

- Not even wine coolers.

- Can I use your uh,
bathroom?

- Oh, oh yeah. Right, right
down the hall to the right.

- Thank you.

- Dude, she freaks
out about smoke.

- You know where
people don't smoke?

Your house.

- Dude, just be
chill. We're leaving.

Just give her some peace
of mind so we can go.

Oh, god.

If she asks, you
drank these, okay?

God. This is not good.

It tastes like hate.

I'm burning.

Wait a minute. Why
are you kicking?

- I'm sorry.

- Ow, stop it!

Oh, man, I'm sick!

- Oh my god.

- Hurry, grab a towel
from the bathroom.

Go!

Hurry. I know CPR.

Shut up. Shut up.

- Where is it?

- Oh god, just keep looking.

- It's not in here.

- Look in the closet.

- Don't hit me with the
blender, please don't.

- I can't find it
anywhere. Rick?

Rick?

Rick?

Rick?

Rick?

Rick?

- Okay, okay.

Calm down. Calm down.
I'm not gonna hurt you.

Calm down. Calm down.

Just, shh.

Stop, okay.

Just, I know this
probably looks bad,

but it's gonna be fine.

It's not like I'm collecting
people or anything.

Mia, say something.

Mia.

Mia. Sh.

Mia?

Mia?

Hey.

Oh!

Oh!

- What are you doing?

- I was saving your life.

- What, are you trying to
save me so you can kill me?

- No.

Yeah, I guess.

- Oh god, who is she?

Is she another girl
that won't date you?

- Um, that's the, the
pizza guy's girlfriend.

It's a whole thing.

Listen, how do you feel?

I'll get you some water.

- Mia?
You're not home yet?

You give Barry a call.

You let mom, dad know
you are healthy, okay?

Barry is by to check
on the roof at five.

Will also make sure
all is correct.

- Who's Barry?

- My landlord. We've
been over this.

- Landlord Barry.

Band name.

- Does he have your key too?

- He's my landlord.

- Well, great. I'm
gonna have to kill him.

- Why would you do that?

- Is this, is
this because of the cake?

- Call him and tell
him not to come.

- No.

- Do you not see how this works?

If he comes over here,
I have to kill him.

Have you seen this chick?
Or how 'bout this guy?

This is the pizza guy.

The pizza guy comes
over, I have to kill him.

He brings his girlfriend,
I have to kill her.

A bell rings, I kill someone.

You want this Barry guy dead?

Fine. Just let him come over.

Anyone else you want dead?

Just give 'em a ring.

Give 'em a ring and
have 'em come on down

to Garrett's death emporium.

We're having a
half-off sale today.

Everyone must go.

- Anyone have Justin
Bieber's number?

- Oh, god.

- worth it.

- It was just flour,
sugar and love.

- Fine. Give me the phone.

- Hello?

- Hey Barry, this is Mia.

I got your message,
and I'm okay.

- Yeah? Why
didn't you call?

Your mom, dad's
calling me. It's nuts.

- Shopping.

- What?

- Shopping.

- I've been shopping.

- Barry checks roofs.

- Uh, no. Um, don't
come over. I'm naked.

- What?

- Yeah, I'm shopping naked.

And I'm going to be naked for
the foreseeable future, so,

please, please don't come over

unless you wanna see me naked.

Thanks Barry. Bye.

- I hate all of you so much.

- You ordered the pizza.

- What?

- I didn't come here
for the hell of it.

You brought me here.
You ordered the pizza.

- I'm not killing you
because you brought a pizza.

That was fine.

I'm killing you
because you came back.

- I didn't wanna do that.

- Fine then, it's the
sweathog's fault, whatever.

- Oh, shit.

You're right.

This is all your fault.

Oh, knock it off. I might
be dead because of you.

At least give me
some peace for once

in your ridiculous life.

- What the hell are
you doing, dude?

- And you know what? I do drink.

I drink all the time
and it is awesome.

It's how I put up
with you for so long.

But there ain't enough beer
in the world at this point.

You know what I'm saying?

- Knock it off.

- No. I am so sick of this
shit I could vomit, more.

The next time this little
shit writes a murder note,

it should be about
our relationship.

Because that thing is
deader than a cat box.

And I mean gone, baby, gone.

Which is an awesome
movie, by the way.

- You're breaking up with me?

- You're breaking up with her
in the middle of all this?

- I wanna switch sides
now. Can I do that?

- Is this because of
the cake?

- Unbelievable.

I have to kill myself
very, very dead,

because of all the guilt
from all the murders I did

in my gang, because
I'm in a gang,

which you probably didn't
know, but it's true.

- Damn this thug life!

- It was just a
peanut butter party.

Should have been safe as houses,

but I have to commit suicide
now because I feel really bad,

because of all the
dying that happened.

- Damn you, E. coli!

- I'm not signing
it. It's ridiculous.

- Mia?

Mia, where are you?

Mia, this is
disgusting. You are bad.

There is no party
time in Barry's house.

Few people. This is
Barry's house, Mia.

Mia?

Mia?

Lord Jesus.

- Stay there.

Simon says no moving.

Stay on the ground.

Stop moving.

- Not moving, breathing.

- Well, knock it off.

Did you call the police?

- No.

- What'd you see in the closet?

- Nothing.

- Then why did you
say "Lord Jesus?"

- Because you scared me.

- Liar.

- That is so just like you
to say some shit like that.

You know this whole
relationship, you've acted like,

just because I live in
your parents' basement

that you own me.

Do you know how that makes
me feel on the inside?

Makes me feel cheap, and
sad. Like an emo song.

I don't wanna be an emo song.

I do not own skinny jeans.

That is a damn lie
and you know it.

- Okay, everyone. This is Barry.

I think you know Mia.

That's the pizza guy,

and that is his crazy
annoying girlfriend

who likes monkeys and cake.

What was your name?

Oh, it doesn't matter.

- Someone gave him
a gun. Awesome.

- Where'd you get a gun?

- It's Barry's.

Stop crying.

How have you not died from
dehydration at this point?

Or from someone
choking you to death?

- Well, believe me,
I've thought about it.

- What are
you doing to them?

- Whatever I like.

- Barry will
kill you from the throat,

and then I will brunch
on you and your testicles

with mint jelly.

- What does that even mean?

- I will tear your
tendons from their parts.

- Just shut up.

I mean, I could
shoot you right now.

- Oh, if you shoot me, the
neighbors will call the police,

and then the police will come

and make much
holes in your body.

- Seriously, I need
you to stop talking.

- Huh.

- I think Abigail--

- Abigail.

- I think Abigail will calm down

if you take the gag
out of her mouth.

- No.

- No way.

- I am going to watch you die,

and it'll make me very
happy to see the worms

flirting with your corpse.

- I will shoot you in the face

if you do not shut your mouth.

- Go ahead, slime weasel.

And I hope my blood
splatters all over you,

and you can not remove my
sticky brains from your hairs,

and the flies make
a home in your head

and lay eggs in your
marrow and eat your bones

from the inside!

- Holy shit.

No crying or screaming.

- Great.

Listen, dude, I've
been thinking,

you really don't need
four hostages, you know?

It's just more people
to worry about, right?

So keep the girls,

let me walk on outta here.

Hell, I'll help out, you know,

tighten the security
in this bitch.

- I don't need
help. You need help.

Your landlord is just psychotic.

- You're running out of chairs.

- Put this on.

- Are you kidding me?

Like you've never
been taken hostage

and held at gunpoint before.

Really?

No? Just me.

- Shut your woman up or I will.

- Steve, Steve, there's
no need for, for firearms.

Hey, come on, we're,
we're a team, Steve.

- His name is Garrett.

Steve, I think is an alias?

- I wanna thank you for that.

- You're welcome.

- Dude, you lied to me?

I bet you don't even
own a monkey, do you?

- I'm gonna name
a bleeding ulcer

after each and every one of you.

Two for you.

Stop looking at me.

- Whoa.

Jesus, what the,
what the fuck, man?

- You
ruined everything.

- What?

Just stop. Garrett, stop
it right now. Jesus!

- You stole my flowers
and did sex on me.

- Yeah, well if you don't
want sex done on you,

don't break into people's homes

and hide under
their bed, creepy.

- You knew?

- Yeah, I knew. I
was extra bouncy.

- I'm moving out.

- Well, good for you.

Me and Mia are moving in
together, so keep the house.

We're gonna have so much sex.

Whoa!

Stop.

Garrett, would you
stop it right now.

That's it, I'm
gonna kick your ass.

You better check your
damn insurance policy

to make sure it
covers ass-kicking.

- Oh yeah?

- What're you
gonna do with that?

Huh? You gonna hit me with that?

Come on.

- Oh, this is not good.

- So, we are going to
discuss the possibility,

the very real possibility

of me letting
everyone go, perhaps.

Without and, and this
is really key, okay?

Without me getting into
any trouble whatsoever.

Speaking duck. Okay?

Whoever has the duck--

- Whomever.

- What?

- Whomever has the duck.

- Right.

- Whomever has the
duck has the floor.

- You're actually
gonna let us go?

- Yeah.

Well everyone but Barry.

Barry has seen too
much, so Barry's boned.

- What did Barry see?

- Barry has seen a
hundred-fold times your death,

delivered by the hands of Barry.

- Damn it, Barry, this
is why no one likes you.

That was really creepy.

Okay, and, you did
not have the duck.

- Give me the duck.

- No, you're just gonna say
things about killing me again.

- I have additions,
addendums, modification,

Bible references, which
I will list to you

if you give Barry
the fucking duck.

- You're not getting
the damn duck.

- May I have the duck?

- Yeah. Yes, you may.

I mean, how hard
is that, really?

- I think we should go
on the honor system.

We can swear not to
tell anyone about you.

We, we can pinky swear.

- That's not gonna work.

- Why not?

Thank you. Why not?

- Because if I had
poisoned and tied up

and tried to hang me,
I would tell on me.

- How 'bout this?

How about you hook us each up
with a gallon or two of water,

maybe some straws, then hop
on a plane and bomb away

to a non-extradition country.

Then when you land,
you can call the cops

and tell them where we are.

Seems pretty solid, brother.

- Name for me please some
non-extradition countries.

- I'm not sure, but I feel
pretty good about Venezuela

or Vancouver,
definitely a V country.

Maybe the Vatican?

- How is it that you don't know
Vancouver is not a country?

- They didn't actually teach
geography at my school,

and I'm a little sensitive
about it, to be honest.

- Mia, you've been
awfully quiet. Any ideas?

- You think I'd walk outta here
and leave you to kill Barry?

- Well, we told him not to come.

How is this my fault?

- It's moot anyway.

Ben's gonna be back soon
and he's gonna end this.

- Ben.

Ben has only ever let you down.

I promise you, he's
not gonna change today.

Fine. You guys can all just die.

- Well, hang on. I,
I can live like that.

And she didn't have the duck.

It doesn't count if she
didn't have the duck.

And I thought of
another one, Indonesia.

You could learn to surf.

Dammit, lady.

I mean, I respect the
balls and all, but come on.

Barry's old, he's
had a good life.

- Barry's had a terrible life.

Barry's mostly duct
tape and rebar.

- See, all the more
reason. He's ready to go.

- Barry wants to live.

- Dammit, Barry.

- What did you see, Barry?

- I saw the death of
someone's life in your closet.

- What?

Barry.

Barry.

- Hmm?

- Those aren't real handcuffs.
There's a safety release.

- Hmm?

- Chicks, man.

Am I right?

How did you put up
with her all that time?

I guess maybe cheating
on her constantly helped,

I don't know.

You wanna smoke?

No?

Yeah, good call, they're
bad for your health.

You see what I did
there? 'Cause you're dead.

Man, your sense of humor just
went to shit after you died.

No, you're right.

Of course you are.
I gotta talk to her.

I can't leave it like this
with her all mad at me.

You know, you're a shitty
comedian since you died, right?

But you are a damn
fine listener.

Okay, well, let's
get you back in your closet.

Okay guys, I think we got
a little off track here,

and I blame myself.

What are you doing?

Wait.

Where's?

- All of your nervous
system are now belong to us.

You're too violent, man.

- No. What did you
do? What did you do?

- Tie him up!

- No!

No!

- Barry! Barry!
Fuck!

I can't feel my face.

- Garrett, stop it!

- I better go talk to him.

Hey, little kid. Little
kid, hold up. Hold up.

Did you wanna come inside?

We are having a
great time in there.

We've got cake inside.
It's monkey cake.

- I have to get home.

- Hey, your mom's not gonna
care, just let's,

let's go inside and
give her a call, okay?

Come on. Let's go, sweet pea.

Just give her a,

Ah.

We're
making pie inside.

It's cherry pie.

Look, and we're
playing paintball.

It's a
blast man, come on.

I'm not gonna hurt you.

Come on.

Listen, I need to get inside.
- Help, help. Let go.

- Hey!

- Nothing, nothing
weird going on here.

We're fine.

Shut that fucking door!

I still have the gun.
Remember the gun?

Hey.

- What just happened?

- I think he's Al Qaeda
or Taliban, maybe Cobra.

I don't know.

- No one is gonna hurt you.

I promise, everything
is gonna be just fine.

- Holy shit.

- You just hit that lady.

- She just, she
came out of nowhere.

- No, no, she was on the lawn

and then you drove up on
the lawn and you hit her.

- I know, it's
crazy, right? Who does that?

Listen, call the police.

I think I have a first
aid kit in my trunk.

- Okay. Okay, okay, okay.

Oh holy sugar. Okay,
this isn't the good.

- Think she'll need
the first aid kit?

- I don't know, I think--

- Jogging. Is. Bad.
For. Your. Health.

♪ Slow your step man ♪

♪ Take a look around ♪

♪ Because you're missing
out on the things you love ♪

♪ Slow your step, man ♪

♪ Take a look around ♪

♪ Because you are missing out ♪

♪ And you're letting
your friends down ♪

- Hey!

- Hey neighbor. You hungry?

♪ Man oh man, we're
here for you ♪

♪ We're always here
to pull you through ♪

♪ If the world is
just way too big ♪

♪ To be left out on your own ♪

♪ Slow your pride
and accept our help ♪

♪ The world is
gettin' way too big ♪

♪ To leave you there, yeah ♪

- All right you Swedish
dick hole, it's on.

Whoa.

No. Nah.

I didn't know that
IKEA made people.

Sorry.

All right, try to--

Whoa.

Damn.

You seeing
this, bookshelf?

♪ Take a look at
what you've got ♪

♪ Right in front of your eyes ♪

♪ 'Cause life is
treating you better ♪

- Wow.

That wasn't cool.

♪ What are you gonna do ♪

♪ Because when people get
lost, they lose their job ♪

♪ Stop working at
their nine to five ♪

♪ Mary Jane ♪

♪ You see the potential
wasting away, yeah ♪

- We need to have
a conversation.

- No. No!

- I wanted to tell you,
just before you die,

I want you to know
you deserve this.

'Cause other people,
they probably didn't,

but you killed
them just the same.

I hope you know
you're a murderer.

- No, no.

- You know, still,
I forgive you.

- Why are you doing all this?

- Why? You wanted a monster?

Look at me, now you've got one.

I'm gonna out-beast even you.

Pay attention.

This is where I begin.

Oh, uh, you um, killed
your boyfriend, by the way.

- Ben.

Ben? Ben.

- Oh, yeah you drowned him.

You're crazy.

- What?

- It's right here on page two.

"It was just a lover's
quarrel that got out of hand,"

because you are a
cheating asshole.

"I didn't mean to
brain him to death

with my metaphorical
abstract fucking rabbit.

But I totally did, and now he's
dead and it's all my fault."

Anyway, that's just
one of the drafts.

I've got others. You see?

Anyway, I told you that
you're the crazy one.

- I thought
we were friends.

- I thought we were in love.

I thought we were...

Any way, um.

I'm gonna need your
John Hancock on this,

just uh right here,
at the bottom, okay?

- No!

- Wait. No?

Really?

Okay, well you just killed the
girl that won't stop crying.

You did that.

- Oh no.

- Oh, um,

don't fall until
I get back, okay?

Just a minute.

Hey.

- Whatcha doin'?

- Shut up.

Hey, you shut up too.

- Don't worry, Poodle.
He's not gonna kill you.

- Did you just call me Poodle?

- Yes, I did.

- Do you wanna
get back together?

- Focus, lady. I'm
about to kill you.

- He hasn't killed anyone.

Even if he tried to kill
you, you'll be fine.

If he were a newspaper,

his permanent headline
would be "Fail."

- There are two pretty
fucking dead people

up in that hallway right now.

I think they'd disagree.

- Ah, I don't know.

Probably you just found 'em
dead and brought 'em in here.

- Found 'em dead?

- Sure. People die all the time.

Stands to reason you might
trip across one or two.

I once knew a guy, died while
performing CPR on an old lady.

Irony.

- Well, what about Barry?

Barry's dead.

- I don't think so.

Barry's old.

He probably just needed a
nap after kicking your ass.

- I kicked his ass.

- Nah. You couldn't
even beat up an old man.

There's no way you
could kill anyone.

- You don't think
I can kill anyone?

- Not a soul, sunbeam.

- Let's find out together.

- Oh, so we're taking a bath
now. That's a little weird.

Ah, that is cold.

Ah, this is cold.
This is cold water.

If we could make that
warm. I'm very cold now.

Whoa, whoa, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.

Uh, see this is why you
need me on your side.

That there's a GFCI outlet,
and it'll trip the circuit

like a 30th of a second after
you toss that thing in here

with me so, can't kill
me like that.

- Let's find out.

- Oh, fuck me running.

Oh, worst 30th of a
second ever.

What?

Oh, oh shit. Geez.

Oh shit, you're
gonna make me die.

That's not very nice.
That's not very nice.

- Ta-da.

Have a good feeling this
is gonna be the one.

- Oh, come on. Come on.

What the fuck is wrong
with you?

Not the fucking blender again.

- There you are.

Sorry that took so long.

Pizza guy just didn't wanna die.

So are you gonna
sign the letter,

or should I kill someone else?

Thank you.

Okay.

- Come.

Hey, kids?

Oh, come on, let's play a little
game of duck, duck murder.

- It'll break. It'll break.

It'll break.

- You know, you kinda have
to appreciate the irony

in all this.

You came here to make
sure I didn't die,

and here I am making
sure that you do.

I mean, maybe that's not
irony, but it is something.

We could ask your
boyfriend, maybe he'd know.

Oh, you know what?

I kinda fried his ass
a few minutes ago.

- It was, it was a GFCI outlet,
eh, can't kill me like that.

- Okay. God, let's go.

- How 'bout
just rest for a sec?

- We gotta get you to a doctor.

- Ah, don't worry about me.

Go get Abi. Get Abi.

- Okay. Okay.

Okay.
- Yeah.

You wanna take my blender?

- I'm good.

- Okay.

There's a, you
got a bicycle chain on the,

oh shit, oh.

Don't worry, dude. We're
gonna get you outta here.

Whoo.

- Did you actually come up here

thinking there was a way out?

Yeah, there's not.

There's no way out.

No hope for you and all
your tears.

I can, wait.

Yeah, you know, it's just you
and me and death makes three.

Also that little crippled
kid with the glasses.

I swear, I don't know why I put
off killing you for so long.

Killing you is gonna
be the most fun since,

well, probably ever.

You guys are the worst.

- You guys okay?

- I've been better.

Oh, them.

Of course.

Of course you wouldn't
be asking how I'm doing.

- Drop the shovel.

- Or what?

Ow, ow!

Ah!

Ah!

- I'm gonna sleep in your
skin tonight, like a tauntaun.

Ah! Uh.

What now?

- I'll think of something.

And it'll hurt.

- This is all your fault.

All this chaos,

all the death,

this is on you.

- You got a little something
right, one right here.

Let me get that for you.

- I'm gonna need
you to sign this.

♪ My life, a smoking
shot of gin ♪

♪ You'll say it's a sin ♪

♪ You'll have to please
forgive the grin ♪

♪ Time for you to die ♪

♪ It's murder and suicide ♪

♪ You've gotta done
a killing spree ♪

- Who just bombs in here,
starts killing folk,

and even brings a few
of his own dead people,

like a, like a bag
lunch or something?

I'm like, "Stop killing folk.
They, they don't like that.

You know, just stop."

And then he, he axes
himself in the face.

- And then he hung himself.

- Right. Right after.

- Shame.
- Yeah.

- Why the ax and the hanging?

Um, well, I guess he believed
that anything worth doing

was worth doing
right.

Hm.

- Well, we were having
a peanut butter party,

and he just showed up, I
didn't even invite him.

Terrible manners.

- Yeah, I mean mayonnaise
party, go ahead and just,

you know, uninvited, that's
fine, but peanut butter.

- Not peanut butter.

- Huh-uh.

- Fuckin' terrorist,
man. They're everywhere.

- This one was when he tried
to make me eat chicken.

I'm vegan.

- They hate our
freedom, you know.

- Drown guy in the closet?

There was a drown guy
in the closet.

Well, they say it only takes
like a teaspoon of water,

don't they?

Yeah.
- True story.

- I mean, you'd have to
be a total retard, but--

- It can happen.

- Yeah, he is missing teeth.

Gingivitis is a bitch.

- I just assumed he was British.

- Hm, he was very pale.

- Hm.
- And stiff.

- Yeah.

- Could've been
the rigor mortis.

- It's a rabbit.

- Riga-what?

- Riga-who?

- Riga-please.

- We're starting
a hip hop group.

Holla.

- We're not.

- We are.

- We are.