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1
00:00:09,140 --> 00:00:10,540
You know anything yet?
2
00:00:10,780 --> 00:00:13,370
- Jim, I asked for privacy.
- Yeah, and I said no.
3
00:00:13,460 --> 00:00:15,240
Look, I'm sorry,
it's just the first time
4
00:00:15,280 --> 00:00:17,240
I ever hoped a pregnancy test
was positive.
5
00:00:17,350 --> 00:00:19,680
It's weird,
it's like praying for an audit.
6
00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:21,440
You didn't want to do this with Gayle?
7
00:00:21,470 --> 00:00:23,340
Uh, no, I didn't want her
to have to deal
8
00:00:23,380 --> 00:00:27,100
with the disappointment
if it was negative, which...
9
00:00:27,190 --> 00:00:29,020
Shit.
10
00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:31,330
- It's positive.
- Oh, come on.
11
00:00:31,370 --> 00:00:32,450
- No, it's positive.
- It is?
12
00:00:32,480 --> 00:00:34,230
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God!
13
00:00:34,340 --> 00:00:36,760
- What, I don't even know.
- I have no idea.
14
00:00:40,220 --> 00:00:42,550
Hey, Jim, what do you have
in your belly right now?
15
00:00:42,590 --> 00:00:43,990
Oh, well, last night's lo mein.
16
00:00:44,030 --> 00:00:46,280
Why, Gabby, what do you have
in your belly right now?
17
00:00:46,440 --> 00:00:48,550
- My fucking baby!
- Oh, my God!
18
00:00:48,570 --> 00:00:50,770
Oh!
19
00:00:52,160 --> 00:00:54,690
Hey, Gayle, it's me. Are you in here?
20
00:00:54,810 --> 00:00:57,540
- Oh, hey.
- Hey, babe, look.
21
00:00:58,140 --> 00:01:00,540
- Holy shit.
- I know, right?
22
00:01:00,580 --> 00:01:03,040
And I know it took me a little
while to come around at first,
23
00:01:03,080 --> 00:01:04,540
but now that it's really happening,
24
00:01:04,620 --> 00:01:07,260
I have never been more sure
of any decision.
25
00:01:07,330 --> 00:01:08,720
Wait, wait, what are you doing?
26
00:01:08,750 --> 00:01:10,340
I'm joining you. We have to celebrate.
27
00:01:10,440 --> 00:01:12,530
No, we don't want to get all pruney.
28
00:01:12,750 --> 00:01:14,070
Let's celebrate in the living room.
29
00:01:18,070 --> 00:01:20,540
I'm sorry, I couldn't
hold my breath any longer.
30
00:01:22,260 --> 00:01:25,230
But I heard the news, though. Congrats.
31
00:01:32,510 --> 00:01:34,520
Skied high out to shallow right.
32
00:01:34,560 --> 00:01:36,870
Sanchez gets a very late break
on that ball,
33
00:01:36,910 --> 00:01:38,680
and oh, it drops in.
34
00:01:38,790 --> 00:01:40,440
Oden heads on home to score.
35
00:01:40,570 --> 00:01:42,700
That was not
a particularly good showing
36
00:01:42,730 --> 00:01:44,160
for Sanchez, was it, Gabby?
37
00:01:44,250 --> 00:01:45,840
Did he get a poor angle on that ball,
38
00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:47,640
or just a bad read?
39
00:01:47,770 --> 00:01:49,870
Uh, both.
40
00:01:51,290 --> 00:01:52,680
Well, that's very astute,
41
00:01:52,720 --> 00:01:54,440
because so often in today's world,
42
00:01:54,480 --> 00:01:56,960
we force ourselves into
a binary thought process,
43
00:01:57,000 --> 00:01:59,340
when in reality,
two things can be true at once.
44
00:01:59,380 --> 00:02:01,490
Fastball fouled down
the right side this time.
45
00:02:01,660 --> 00:02:02,940
Still, you got to be wondering
46
00:02:02,970 --> 00:02:05,520
what is going through
Sanchez's mind right now.
47
00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:08,070
Oh, probably just reliving
his own failure
48
00:02:08,110 --> 00:02:11,180
over again and again,
just wondering "why me?"
49
00:02:11,260 --> 00:02:13,870
And, like, "what did I do
to deserve this humiliation?"
50
00:02:14,710 --> 00:02:16,320
Williams lines that one out to right.
51
00:02:16,360 --> 00:02:17,820
Manwaring corrals it,
52
00:02:17,860 --> 00:02:19,970
and you can put this one
in the books, folks.
53
00:02:20,010 --> 00:02:22,920
Oakland loses to Kansas City
by a count of 9-1.
54
00:02:23,030 --> 00:02:25,890
Stay tuned for the post game
wrap-up with Sam and Dave.
55
00:02:26,350 --> 00:02:29,310
What is going on with you?
Are you still in shock?
56
00:02:29,350 --> 00:02:31,840
Did you tell Gayle?
Was she... was she excited?
57
00:02:31,870 --> 00:02:33,880
She was surprised.
Everyone was surprised.
58
00:02:33,920 --> 00:02:35,160
Wish I could have been there to see it.
59
00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:37,970
I mean, all this beautiful,
intense female emotion
60
00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:39,530
just cascading forth.
61
00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:41,640
You guys are a... you're a living womb
62
00:02:41,790 --> 00:02:43,850
of love and laughter and light.
63
00:02:43,940 --> 00:02:46,130
This baby's going to have
two mothers, Gabby.
64
00:02:46,170 --> 00:02:50,170
Two women just in it together,
melding their maternal powers
65
00:02:50,210 --> 00:02:52,500
to create the peak
upbringing experience.
66
00:02:53,890 --> 00:02:56,660
Oh, happy times. Just...
67
00:02:56,930 --> 00:02:58,970
happy, happy times.
68
00:03:00,310 --> 00:03:02,900
I'm sorry, I don't want to
hear your 20-minute breakdown
69
00:03:02,910 --> 00:03:04,310
on whatever bullshit you watched
70
00:03:04,330 --> 00:03:05,820
on Discovery Investigation.
71
00:03:05,830 --> 00:03:07,100
Well, you don't have to,
72
00:03:07,140 --> 00:03:10,220
because Dakota loves murder
just as much as I do.
73
00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:11,800
Dakota.
74
00:03:11,870 --> 00:03:13,430
Nobody loves murder!
75
00:03:13,580 --> 00:03:16,590
Look, we are supposed
to be raising a baby together.
76
00:03:16,690 --> 00:03:18,750
When I said that I wanted
to start a family,
77
00:03:18,830 --> 00:03:21,930
I was using it as an excuse
not to move to Oklahoma.
78
00:03:22,060 --> 00:03:25,070
But then you got all
Gabby-like, and super type A.
79
00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:27,910
Found a doctor,
picked the sperm, got injected,
80
00:03:27,970 --> 00:03:30,060
all before we had
a second conversation.
81
00:03:30,130 --> 00:03:32,470
And then, you get pregnant
on the first try.
82
00:03:32,500 --> 00:03:36,060
Like, what non-teenage girl does that?
83
00:03:36,130 --> 00:03:37,870
A goddamn champion, that's who.
84
00:03:37,970 --> 00:03:39,530
And you were there
for all those decisions,
85
00:03:39,570 --> 00:03:40,960
and I'm sorry, but you never said shit.
86
00:03:41,020 --> 00:03:42,130
I did.
87
00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:44,150
I tried to end this
relationship three times,
88
00:03:44,180 --> 00:03:45,570
and you always talked me out of it.
89
00:03:45,620 --> 00:03:47,620
Because you don't make good cases.
Your evidence is weak.
90
00:03:47,650 --> 00:03:49,400
Well, now it's strong.
91
00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:51,550
I think that's why I did it.
92
00:03:51,830 --> 00:03:54,020
I blew up our life because
93
00:03:54,330 --> 00:03:56,010
then you would finally hear me.
94
00:03:56,200 --> 00:03:57,900
Okay.
95
00:03:59,030 --> 00:04:01,760
Then that's... yeah, then fine.
I am ready to hear you.
96
00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:03,210
What are you trying to say?
97
00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:07,490
After 10 years with you, I
get to be new to someone again.
98
00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:10,310
These past six weeks
with Dakota have been
99
00:04:10,350 --> 00:04:14,730
the most passionate and
intense experience of my life.
100
00:04:14,890 --> 00:04:16,140
Like, when was the last time
101
00:04:16,180 --> 00:04:17,720
that we had sex on the kitchen floor?
102
00:04:17,760 --> 00:04:19,500
You had sex on the kitchen floor?
103
00:04:19,660 --> 00:04:21,040
Where else?
104
00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:26,500
- Not on my loveseat.
- Oh, God, no, of course not.
105
00:04:26,770 --> 00:04:28,720
Okay, all right, yeah.
106
00:04:28,760 --> 00:04:30,980
That means a part of you
does still love me,
107
00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:34,200
because... because you know how
much this piece means to me.
108
00:04:34,270 --> 00:04:35,910
Because you remember how I fell for it
109
00:04:35,940 --> 00:04:37,710
on our vacation, remember, in Maine.
110
00:04:37,740 --> 00:04:39,740
And I had it shipped back
to our apartment
111
00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:41,890
even though it was, like,
ridiculously expensive.
112
00:04:41,930 --> 00:04:43,910
And then, I dragged it with us
through six apartments
113
00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:45,800
in four different cities
because wherever you
114
00:04:45,840 --> 00:04:47,260
and this piece of furniture were,
115
00:04:47,290 --> 00:04:49,020
that was home. Our home.
116
00:04:49,180 --> 00:04:51,390
We didn't have sex on it
because that thing
117
00:04:51,430 --> 00:04:54,750
is made out of sharp angles
and sandpaper.
118
00:04:56,190 --> 00:04:59,210
I've always hated it.
119
00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:01,620
Terrible news. Just... just terrible.
120
00:05:01,660 --> 00:05:03,390
Come on in.
121
00:05:05,020 --> 00:05:06,830
Is that a loveseat?
122
00:05:09,550 --> 00:05:10,730
Uh, hope you don't mind,
123
00:05:10,770 --> 00:05:13,310
I was feeding Clemenza when you called.
124
00:05:13,610 --> 00:05:16,130
Oh, he's my turtle.
He came with the place.
125
00:05:16,210 --> 00:05:17,650
He's 100 years old.
126
00:05:17,710 --> 00:05:20,320
Oh, that would explain the weird smell.
127
00:05:20,500 --> 00:05:22,660
What smell? Hey, buddy.
128
00:05:22,730 --> 00:05:25,560
Hey, were your hidden
inner ears burning there?
129
00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:27,160
Say hi, Clemenza. Say hi.
130
00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:29,740
Mm, no, if that thing
comes near me, I'ma kick it.
131
00:05:29,870 --> 00:05:31,580
♪ I'm chopping up some cabbage ♪
132
00:05:31,610 --> 00:05:32,900
♪ For Clemenza ♪
133
00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:34,670
♪ I'm chopping up some cabbage ♪
134
00:05:34,710 --> 00:05:35,960
♪ For my boy ♪
135
00:05:36,020 --> 00:05:37,270
♪ Chopping up a cabbage ♪
136
00:05:37,300 --> 00:05:38,780
♪ For a turtle baby boy ♪
137
00:05:38,900 --> 00:05:40,580
♪ Turtle baby boy ♪
138
00:05:40,620 --> 00:05:42,950
♪ Turtle baby boy ♪
139
00:05:43,030 --> 00:05:44,170
Here we go.
140
00:05:44,210 --> 00:05:46,330
Oh, wow, he does stink. You're right.
141
00:05:46,380 --> 00:05:50,320
Well, basically a 100-year-old
ballsack inside of that shell.
142
00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:54,130
- I mean, can you blame him?
- This is a nightmare.
143
00:06:01,410 --> 00:06:03,940
- Morning.
- It's 3:00 p.m.
144
00:06:03,970 --> 00:06:06,360
But hey, time is a construct, isn't it?
145
00:06:06,450 --> 00:06:09,230
- Breakfast for you?
- Just coffee.
146
00:06:09,580 --> 00:06:11,590
Well then, you are in luck,
147
00:06:11,670 --> 00:06:13,140
because Charles sent me a bag
148
00:06:13,180 --> 00:06:15,350
of the best coffee in the world.
149
00:06:15,680 --> 00:06:20,190
These beans are dug out of the
poop of the Asian Palm Civet.
150
00:06:20,230 --> 00:06:22,060
That's a... a catlike creature
151
00:06:22,100 --> 00:06:24,530
that inhabits the jungles of Sumatra.
152
00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:27,670
I'm going to interpret
your seeming lack of interest
153
00:06:27,700 --> 00:06:29,900
as depression
and I'm going to continue here.
154
00:06:29,940 --> 00:06:31,890
No, these literal magic beans
155
00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:33,700
have their acidity removed from them
156
00:06:33,980 --> 00:06:36,620
through the wonders
of intestinal biology.
157
00:06:36,700 --> 00:06:38,950
At $200 a bag,
158
00:06:39,020 --> 00:06:41,550
they're a totem for the wanton opulence
159
00:06:41,590 --> 00:06:43,540
that defines late stage capitalism.
160
00:06:43,630 --> 00:06:44,940
But you know, I...
161
00:06:44,980 --> 00:06:47,340
I got it for free, so what do I care?
162
00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:52,420
Oh, boy, oh.
163
00:06:52,590 --> 00:06:54,590
Uh, you want to talk about it?
164
00:06:54,620 --> 00:06:56,450
No, you wouldn't understand.
165
00:06:56,490 --> 00:06:58,960
Now, okay.
166
00:06:59,100 --> 00:07:01,810
I realize that what I'm about
to say should never be said
167
00:07:01,850 --> 00:07:04,250
by an old white man to
a young gay woman of color,
168
00:07:04,280 --> 00:07:08,050
but I understand exactly
what you're going through.
169
00:07:08,410 --> 00:07:10,530
Well, come on,
every broadcaster in the world
170
00:07:10,560 --> 00:07:12,320
who's ever called a baseball game
171
00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:14,260
after walking in on
their wives cheating on them
172
00:07:14,300 --> 00:07:17,880
is sitting right here on this
very uncomfortable loveseat.
173
00:07:20,890 --> 00:07:22,820
Any-whoodles, I'm here for you.
174
00:07:22,970 --> 00:07:24,320
Please use me as a resource.
175
00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:26,250
Just... just ask me anything.
176
00:07:27,900 --> 00:07:30,300
Is the cat shit coffee ready?
177
00:07:30,710 --> 00:07:32,620
One cup of cat shit, coming right up.
178
00:07:33,760 --> 00:07:36,190
Look after Clemenza for me.
179
00:07:36,370 --> 00:07:37,940
Bye, Jim.
180
00:07:47,260 --> 00:07:48,900
God damn.
181
00:07:49,980 --> 00:07:51,140
Jesus.
182
00:07:51,300 --> 00:07:53,580
Just, like, so much stool softener.
183
00:07:53,700 --> 00:07:56,630
Yeah, you offer no comfort.
184
00:07:56,700 --> 00:07:58,370
You got this.
185
00:07:58,450 --> 00:07:59,840
Okay.
186
00:08:00,190 --> 00:08:01,430
All right.
187
00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:07,060
Nope.
188
00:08:23,390 --> 00:08:25,220
The tortoises of the Galápagos
189
00:08:25,300 --> 00:08:28,440
live on seven of the islands.
The islands...
190
00:08:33,140 --> 00:08:34,500
Hey.
191
00:08:35,550 --> 00:08:38,440
Um, how was your day?
192
00:08:38,900 --> 00:08:42,840
Hm, I watched a bird
commit suicide, so better.
193
00:08:42,990 --> 00:08:46,110
God, this thing's even more
uncomfortable than it looks.
194
00:08:46,580 --> 00:08:48,360
It's actually...
it's pitching me forward
195
00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:50,170
as if it doesn't want to be sat on.
196
00:08:50,420 --> 00:08:53,060
How can something be too small
to fit two people comfortably,
197
00:08:53,080 --> 00:08:54,970
but too large to fit into any space?
198
00:08:55,010 --> 00:08:56,260
- Shut up.
- I hope that you...
199
00:08:56,340 --> 00:08:57,760
Can you please just stop talking?
200
00:08:57,800 --> 00:09:00,160
Every time you open your mouth,
you make things worse.
201
00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:03,320
Sorry, sorry, just...
I want to be here for you.
202
00:09:03,350 --> 00:09:04,980
Okay, then just, like,
203
00:09:05,150 --> 00:09:06,700
be quiet and just watch the movie.
204
00:09:06,930 --> 00:09:09,680
Great, okay. What are we watching?
205
00:09:09,850 --> 00:09:10,930
"Dunkirk."
206
00:09:10,990 --> 00:09:13,260
Oh, the Christopher Nolan movie?
207
00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:16,770
No, I haven't seen this one.
I'm... I'm excited.
208
00:09:17,050 --> 00:09:19,290
It's pretty good. I mean, I don't know.
209
00:09:19,330 --> 00:09:20,940
All those British dudes
just look alike,
210
00:09:20,980 --> 00:09:22,240
so it's kind of confusing.
211
00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:23,900
And there's like
three separate timelines...
212
00:09:23,930 --> 00:09:25,320
Oh, why does every goddamn story
213
00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:27,930
have to be a math problem?
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
214
00:09:28,030 --> 00:09:30,300
This man's oeuvre is a bit
of a trigger for me,
215
00:09:30,330 --> 00:09:32,700
so I can't be
in this environment right now.
216
00:09:32,750 --> 00:09:34,430
I'm going to head out.
Can I get you anything?
217
00:09:34,470 --> 00:09:36,270
Something to eat?
I'll go to any restaurant
218
00:09:36,310 --> 00:09:38,050
that brings a smile to your face.
219
00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:40,180
Maybe Panda Express.
220
00:09:40,300 --> 00:09:42,420
Oh, honey, don't settle for that.
221
00:09:42,450 --> 00:09:44,550
- It's not settling.
- Panda Express?
222
00:09:44,590 --> 00:09:46,160
That's the definition of settling.
223
00:09:46,190 --> 00:09:48,950
Well, I've never had it
before, or any fast food.
224
00:09:49,010 --> 00:09:50,420
I've been an athlete my entire life.
225
00:09:50,460 --> 00:09:51,740
I've always eaten clean.
226
00:09:51,810 --> 00:09:54,050
I'm almost a little excited
to finally try it.
227
00:09:54,110 --> 00:09:56,130
Where's the bloody Air Force?
228
00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:58,400
Oh, look, okay, so now,
the timelines have merged.
229
00:09:58,430 --> 00:10:00,810
So it's like, the past is now
the future, but the present...
230
00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:02,190
Nolan, you son of a bitch!
231
00:10:02,230 --> 00:10:05,470
Okay, sorry, got to call
my sponsor, can't be here.
232
00:10:13,060 --> 00:10:15,320
Hello?
233
00:10:15,950 --> 00:10:18,190
Jesus.
234
00:10:18,900 --> 00:10:21,370
- What took you so long?
- Sorry.
235
00:10:21,510 --> 00:10:23,450
Like, did you get everything?
236
00:10:23,770 --> 00:10:26,480
Two honey walnut shrimp,
one Shanghai angus steak,
237
00:10:26,500 --> 00:10:27,740
one five flavor shrimp,
238
00:10:27,780 --> 00:10:29,440
three orders of cream cheese rangoons,
239
00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:31,670
seven fortune cookies, one fried rice,
240
00:10:31,710 --> 00:10:34,870
one steamed rice, one
Kung Pao chicken, no chicken.
241
00:10:34,950 --> 00:10:36,770
Zach now has Tuesdays off
242
00:10:36,810 --> 00:10:40,030
so he can be with his new "girlfriend,"
243
00:10:40,180 --> 00:10:42,340
so I had to walk Jessica
through that order,
244
00:10:42,370 --> 00:10:45,280
and not surprisingly, your
Kung Pao chicken, no chicken
245
00:10:45,320 --> 00:10:47,980
proved to be way beyond her grasp.
246
00:10:49,860 --> 00:10:52,260
Where's the sauce?
247
00:10:52,330 --> 00:10:56,170
Oh, just reach into the bag.
It probably fell to the bottom.
248
00:10:56,430 --> 00:10:59,270
I'm sorry, what?
249
00:10:59,770 --> 00:11:02,700
Oh, I'm sorry.
Is there not enough sauce?
250
00:11:02,780 --> 00:11:04,330
That... my fault, my fault.
251
00:11:04,370 --> 00:11:05,620
I was in charge of getting the sauce.
252
00:11:05,660 --> 00:11:07,600
Jim told me to get
more than I ever thought
253
00:11:07,640 --> 00:11:10,490
one person could consume,
so I then made a judgment call.
254
00:11:10,520 --> 00:11:11,730
Yeah, you remember Maggie?
255
00:11:11,770 --> 00:11:13,600
No, we had plans
to go out for some ice cream.
256
00:11:13,660 --> 00:11:15,070
She was kind enough
to begin our date...
257
00:11:15,110 --> 00:11:18,160
Shut up. I need three
squirts of sauce per bite.
258
00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:19,340
Per bite!
259
00:11:19,380 --> 00:11:22,020
Chili, Sweet Chili, Savory Sriracha.
260
00:11:22,060 --> 00:11:23,220
Am I taking crazy pills?
261
00:11:23,260 --> 00:11:25,430
Like, is this very difficult
to understand here?
262
00:11:25,500 --> 00:11:26,900
There is barely enough Chili.
263
00:11:26,940 --> 00:11:29,230
There is not even close
to enough Savory Sriracha.
264
00:11:29,300 --> 00:11:32,060
Okay, nope, that's it,
the end, can't eat it.
265
00:11:32,100 --> 00:11:34,390
Don't want it, can't have it,
thank you very much.
266
00:11:34,430 --> 00:11:35,540
I hope you're happy.
267
00:11:35,570 --> 00:11:37,350
You just starved
a woman eating for two.
268
00:11:37,390 --> 00:11:39,240
If I may, three.
269
00:11:39,480 --> 00:11:41,600
You, your baby, and your depression,
270
00:11:41,640 --> 00:11:43,400
which I think we can all agree
is mainly
271
00:11:43,430 --> 00:11:45,390
what the Panda Express is feeding here.
272
00:11:45,410 --> 00:11:47,690
Now, I know what a bender
looks like, darling.
273
00:11:47,730 --> 00:11:49,340
This is a bender you are on here.
274
00:11:49,380 --> 00:11:50,440
You don't move.
275
00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:52,160
You don't even go upstairs to sleep.
276
00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:53,740
You know what?
I want to see your FitBit.
277
00:11:53,780 --> 00:11:54,860
- No.
- Now let me see it.
278
00:11:54,900 --> 00:11:56,550
- No.
- Hey, FitBit,
279
00:11:56,580 --> 00:11:59,680
or no Panda for you. Let me just see.
280
00:11:59,820 --> 00:12:02,410
16 steps, my God.
281
00:12:02,450 --> 00:12:04,250
It's 10 steps to the bathroom,
282
00:12:04,290 --> 00:12:07,020
and with the way
you chug Mountain Dew...
283
00:12:08,940 --> 00:12:11,450
Have you been peeing
in Clemenza's litter box?
284
00:12:11,490 --> 00:12:14,490
- Oh, God, you're horrible!
- Oh, no!
285
00:12:14,520 --> 00:12:16,100
Did I pee in Clemenza's litter box?
286
00:12:16,140 --> 00:12:17,320
Jim, tell me something.
287
00:12:17,350 --> 00:12:19,070
What's on the roof
of your Christmas village?
288
00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:22,170
How exactly did winter come?
289
00:12:22,260 --> 00:12:24,400
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Okay, okay.
290
00:12:24,480 --> 00:12:25,880
I am sorry you're hurting,
291
00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:28,400
but at least you know it was real.
292
00:12:30,410 --> 00:12:33,220
- What are you talking about?
- You feeling this way
293
00:12:33,260 --> 00:12:35,310
only proves that you really loved her,
294
00:12:35,350 --> 00:12:37,020
and that is not nothing.
295
00:12:37,170 --> 00:12:39,270
I always find it sad
when a relationship ends
296
00:12:39,310 --> 00:12:40,630
and you feel nothing, because then
297
00:12:40,660 --> 00:12:42,400
it was truly a waste of time.
298
00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:44,040
That's obviously not the case here.
299
00:12:44,130 --> 00:12:46,830
You clearly really loved her.
300
00:12:48,130 --> 00:12:50,710
I did, and yeah, I still do.
301
00:12:51,100 --> 00:12:52,560
Yeah.
302
00:12:53,100 --> 00:12:54,760
Now get back to the Panda,
303
00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:57,150
and bring me those packets
you owe me, Sauce Bitch.
304
00:12:57,190 --> 00:12:58,290
- Okay.
- Oh, Gabby.
305
00:12:58,320 --> 00:13:00,670
No, no, don't you move.
Now, come on, now.
306
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:05,090
Uh, excuse me, how long has
that door been left open?
307
00:13:05,310 --> 00:13:06,640
I don't know.
308
00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:08,140
Got one rule in the house, right?
309
00:13:08,180 --> 00:13:09,840
One. Keep the doors closed
310
00:13:09,870 --> 00:13:11,070
so Clemenza cannot escape...
311
00:13:11,110 --> 00:13:12,790
no, never going to forgive you
for this one!
312
00:13:12,830 --> 00:13:14,550
Ever, ever! Oh, my poor little
313
00:13:14,590 --> 00:13:17,670
100-year-old baby boy! Clemenza!
314
00:13:17,750 --> 00:13:19,130
Clemenza!
315
00:13:19,970 --> 00:13:21,730
He was, like, four steps away.
And there's a fence,
316
00:13:21,770 --> 00:13:24,440
so I might have over-reacted
to that one.
317
00:13:24,830 --> 00:13:27,740
Uh, this has to stop, yeah.
I'm not this person.
318
00:13:27,890 --> 00:13:29,220
I don't wallow, no.
319
00:13:29,260 --> 00:13:32,380
I set goals, I follow through,
I move forward.
320
00:13:32,420 --> 00:13:34,670
I need to get out of the house.
I need to go back to work.
321
00:13:34,760 --> 00:13:36,260
Yes, you do, because quite frankly,
322
00:13:36,340 --> 00:13:38,170
I'm running out of ways
to cover for you.
323
00:13:38,210 --> 00:13:41,360
Oh, PS, you've had shingles
for several days now.
324
00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:43,420
So the more you
scratch yourself at work,
325
00:13:43,460 --> 00:13:44,980
the better it'll be for both of us.
326
00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:46,190
Okay.
327
00:14:08,650 --> 00:14:10,680
Oh, our living room.
328
00:14:11,460 --> 00:14:13,040
Couch?
329
00:14:13,950 --> 00:14:15,390
Nope.
330
00:14:22,540 --> 00:14:25,010
Ooh, okay.
331
00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:27,760
Is everything okay?
332
00:14:28,050 --> 00:14:30,190
Yeah, it's just peachy, Pat.
333
00:14:30,510 --> 00:14:31,930
Bye.
334
00:14:32,490 --> 00:14:34,830
Bye, fuck you. Bye, thank you.
335
00:14:39,020 --> 00:14:40,410
Hey, everybody, and welcome back
336
00:14:40,450 --> 00:14:42,970
to this gorgeous spring day
in Seascape, Florida,
337
00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:45,070
where we have reached
the top of the fourth here
338
00:14:45,110 --> 00:14:46,980
at King's Venom Vape Cartridge Stadium.
339
00:14:47,070 --> 00:14:49,630
King Venom Vape Cartridges:
We don't make the juice.
340
00:14:49,670 --> 00:14:52,080
We don't make the pens.
We are not liable.
341
00:14:52,300 --> 00:14:54,150
Oakland's number one pitching prospect,
342
00:14:54,190 --> 00:14:56,270
Julio Rodriguez,
still out there on the mound.
343
00:14:56,350 --> 00:14:58,230
And for those of you
keeping score at home,
344
00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:00,480
I am joined in the booth, finally,
345
00:15:00,690 --> 00:15:02,550
my friend and colleague, Gabby Taylor.
346
00:15:02,580 --> 00:15:04,550
Gabby, better late than never.
How you doing today?
347
00:15:04,630 --> 00:15:07,380
Oh, bad, Jim. Yeah, not good at all.
348
00:15:07,410 --> 00:15:09,400
I am getting a divorce
after finding out
349
00:15:09,430 --> 00:15:11,260
that my wife has been cheating on me.
350
00:15:11,340 --> 00:15:14,500
Oh, and for those of you
who don't know, I'm gay.
351
00:15:17,350 --> 00:15:19,930
Oh, the rare coming out statement
352
00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:22,200
where the homosexuality
was an afterthought,
353
00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:23,850
as Rodriguez snaps a curve
354
00:15:23,890 --> 00:15:26,210
that Leonard waves
through for a strike.
355
00:15:27,880 --> 00:15:30,490
- 0 and 1.
- 0 and 1.
356
00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:34,960
For the past week,
you've been begging me
357
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:36,920
to talk about my breakup,
and now that I'm ready,
358
00:15:36,950 --> 00:15:38,190
you don't want to hear it?
359
00:15:38,220 --> 00:15:39,540
I thought the only way
to call a ballgame
360
00:15:39,580 --> 00:15:41,580
was to keep your eyes open
and tell the truth.
361
00:15:41,670 --> 00:15:43,880
Rodriguez misses with a slider wide.
362
00:15:43,930 --> 00:15:46,240
I'm just not sure this is
the appropriate forum
363
00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:47,810
to air these kinds of grievances.
364
00:15:47,850 --> 00:15:49,080
Are you kidding me?
365
00:15:49,110 --> 00:15:52,130
You aired your grievances
in my exact situation,
366
00:15:52,170 --> 00:15:53,590
and now there is an entire subsection
367
00:15:53,630 --> 00:15:55,550
of lesbian porn
where people dress as you.
368
00:15:55,710 --> 00:15:58,300
"Cuckmire" is in lesbian porn now?
369
00:15:58,340 --> 00:16:00,040
My goodness, that thing has legs.
370
00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:01,210
Oh, my God.
371
00:16:01,250 --> 00:16:04,260
No, it transcends gender and sexuality.
372
00:16:04,340 --> 00:16:06,300
Leonard pops that one
up and out of play.
373
00:16:06,340 --> 00:16:07,840
I'm the prime example
374
00:16:07,890 --> 00:16:10,030
of why you should not talk
about this stuff on the air.
375
00:16:10,070 --> 00:16:12,680
No, I was a broadcasting
pariah for years.
376
00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:14,360
What do you care if I get canned?
377
00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:16,210
I care about your career
378
00:16:16,250 --> 00:16:18,750
because you're a natural in the
booth, Gabby, I mean that.
379
00:16:18,780 --> 00:16:20,250
Hey, that means a lot coming from me.
380
00:16:20,610 --> 00:16:22,420
The last time I paid
a fellow broadcaster
381
00:16:22,460 --> 00:16:24,580
a compliment, it was 1994.
382
00:16:24,670 --> 00:16:26,670
I told Dick Enberg
that he led the league
383
00:16:26,710 --> 00:16:28,320
in going bald gracefully,
384
00:16:28,350 --> 00:16:30,150
as Rodriguez misses outside again.
385
00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:31,740
Full count, 3 and 2.
386
00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:35,410
- I gave up coaching for...
- Oh, please, use a pseudonym.
387
00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:37,660
- For Meredith Baxter Birney.
- Nice.
388
00:16:37,700 --> 00:16:39,190
I took this job for her,
389
00:16:39,220 --> 00:16:41,000
And what does Meredith Baxter
Birney do for me
390
00:16:41,040 --> 00:16:44,630
but cheat with some half-wit
wannabe Instagram photographer
391
00:16:44,670 --> 00:16:47,120
and leave me just
homeless and pregnant?
392
00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:49,080
Well, I am so sorry, Gabby.
393
00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:51,280
Rodriguez misses wide off
the plate for ball four,
394
00:16:51,320 --> 00:16:52,440
and Leonard heads to first.
395
00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:54,560
Boy, Julio seems to be having trouble
396
00:16:54,590 --> 00:16:56,490
locating his fastball today,
doesn't he?
397
00:16:56,530 --> 00:16:57,900
Yeah, his leg plant's too stiff.
398
00:16:57,940 --> 00:16:59,200
It's messing with his arm slot.
399
00:16:59,300 --> 00:17:00,470
Looks like pitching coach.
400
00:17:00,510 --> 00:17:02,570
"Slim" Jimmy Wilcox agrees with you
401
00:17:02,610 --> 00:17:04,040
as he councils Rodriguez.
402
00:17:04,070 --> 00:17:06,910
My council to you is
to make your anger a passenger
403
00:17:06,940 --> 00:17:08,180
and not the driver, Gabby,
404
00:17:08,290 --> 00:17:10,060
because my anger took me on a road trip
405
00:17:10,100 --> 00:17:12,750
through every dive and brothel
in South East Asia.
406
00:17:13,110 --> 00:17:14,690
The only reason my anger didn't kill me
407
00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:16,900
was I picked up a tapeworm in Myanmar
408
00:17:16,940 --> 00:17:19,350
that acted as a kind
of intestinal Brita filter.
409
00:17:19,840 --> 00:17:21,980
The poor thing tapped out
after six straight years
410
00:17:22,020 --> 00:17:24,540
of nothing snake whiskey,
Quaaludes, and chicken feet.
411
00:17:24,570 --> 00:17:26,580
Let me tell you something,
that is a bowel movement
412
00:17:26,620 --> 00:17:28,490
that you do not soon forget.
413
00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:30,470
Brenly settles into the box now,
414
00:17:30,500 --> 00:17:32,910
and he is frozen by a good curveball
415
00:17:32,940 --> 00:17:35,220
that just does hook the outside corner.
416
00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:38,560
Look, Gabby, as one cuck
to another, all right?
417
00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:41,350
No, one thing that helped ease my pain
418
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:43,080
was to accept the fact
419
00:17:43,170 --> 00:17:45,590
that I had some culpability
in the end of my marriage.
420
00:17:45,630 --> 00:17:47,310
Oh, so now you're saying
you're responsible
421
00:17:47,350 --> 00:17:48,600
for Lucy "Lucying?"
422
00:17:48,630 --> 00:17:50,520
Brenly takes a fastball low.
423
00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:52,120
Count's even, 1 and 1.
424
00:17:52,350 --> 00:17:54,720
I am not responsible
for my wife's actions.
425
00:17:55,050 --> 00:17:56,150
Okay.
426
00:17:56,220 --> 00:17:59,750
But, um, if I'm really
going to think about it,
427
00:17:59,790 --> 00:18:02,380
maybe we weren't meant to be together.
428
00:18:02,580 --> 00:18:04,420
Maybe she was just
the only other lesbian
429
00:18:04,450 --> 00:18:06,560
on my dorm floor at Arizona State.
430
00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:11,560
Julio misses outside
with a breaking ball.
431
00:18:11,630 --> 00:18:14,520
Brenly gets ahead, 2 and 1.
432
00:18:14,820 --> 00:18:18,000
It's been painful, uh...
433
00:18:18,150 --> 00:18:20,720
but all I've ever done
is just play through the pain.
434
00:18:20,750 --> 00:18:22,940
I feel like I've been trying
to walk off this relationship
435
00:18:22,970 --> 00:18:24,810
for the last five years.
436
00:18:24,990 --> 00:18:27,140
Ah, I should have seen it.
437
00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:30,120
Good fastball there,
catches the outside corner.
438
00:18:30,240 --> 00:18:32,930
So, why didn't you?
439
00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:35,270
Because then, I'd have to admit
440
00:18:35,310 --> 00:18:38,120
that we weren't going to make it.
441
00:18:38,290 --> 00:18:40,320
I mean, my whole life,
442
00:18:40,360 --> 00:18:43,580
I've just been winning a game
that's rigged against me.
443
00:18:43,820 --> 00:18:45,050
I didn't think I could lose.
444
00:18:45,090 --> 00:18:47,020
Not at something as big as this.
445
00:18:47,120 --> 00:18:48,710
All right, well, allow me to offer
446
00:18:48,820 --> 00:18:50,670
that life is rarely as black and white
447
00:18:50,710 --> 00:18:52,030
as winning and losing.
448
00:18:52,060 --> 00:18:54,850
And even if it were, hey,
I'm looking at a winner here.
449
00:18:55,060 --> 00:18:57,080
You know, you're on the verge
of a very long career
450
00:18:57,110 --> 00:18:59,070
in both broadcasting and motherhood.
451
00:18:59,140 --> 00:19:01,390
I'd buy stock in your future.
452
00:19:01,470 --> 00:19:03,820
And in this oligarchical dystopia
453
00:19:03,860 --> 00:19:05,860
that we all seem to be
hurtling straight towards,
454
00:19:05,900 --> 00:19:07,730
I might soon be able to. Who knows?
455
00:19:07,770 --> 00:19:10,080
As Rodriguez blows that fastball
456
00:19:10,110 --> 00:19:12,510
right by Brenly for the strikeout.
457
00:19:14,750 --> 00:19:16,940
Well, I'd buy stock in Julio Rodriguez.
458
00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:18,750
He's a little looser
with that plant leg,
459
00:19:18,780 --> 00:19:21,930
and getting back on top of the
two and four-seam fastballs.
460
00:19:22,130 --> 00:19:24,450
- Very impressive.
- It sure is.
461
00:19:24,490 --> 00:19:25,550
It appears that we have been
462
00:19:25,590 --> 00:19:27,160
neglecting our sponsors, however.
463
00:19:27,180 --> 00:19:28,520
And in a lifetime first,
464
00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:30,520
I have grown tired
of the sound of my own voice.
465
00:19:30,560 --> 00:19:33,220
So, Gabby, what do you say?
466
00:19:33,260 --> 00:19:34,920
You still with me?
467
00:19:35,690 --> 00:19:38,250
This overly emotional conversation
468
00:19:38,290 --> 00:19:41,450
has been brought to you by
King Venom Vape Cartridges.
469
00:19:41,500 --> 00:19:43,430
You need a 510 thread?
We got you covered.
470
00:19:43,460 --> 00:19:45,300
An E60 thread? No problem.
471
00:19:45,340 --> 00:19:47,000
710? We can't help you.
472
00:19:47,040 --> 00:19:50,540
It's a proprietary technology
that we don't have access to.
473
00:19:50,800 --> 00:19:52,280
Still just amazes me
474
00:19:52,320 --> 00:19:54,720
that that's the largest
sponsor we can get.
475
00:19:57,800 --> 00:20:00,300
Do you really think
everything will be okay?
476
00:20:00,450 --> 00:20:02,940
In this country
and the world at large, no.
477
00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:05,080
Global warming and the decrease
478
00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:06,860
in labor demand due to automation
479
00:20:06,900 --> 00:20:08,720
is giving us all a big two-handed push
480
00:20:08,760 --> 00:20:09,890
right into the abyss.
481
00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:13,530
But as far as your life goes,
you'll be fine.
482
00:20:14,110 --> 00:20:16,440
All that stuff won't affect
you or your child
483
00:20:16,470 --> 00:20:20,430
for a good, like, oh, ten years or so.
484
00:20:20,730 --> 00:20:22,060
Can you read it again?
485
00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:24,160
- Again?
- Yeah.
486
00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:27,810
Um, "our bosses wanted
to thank the three of us"
487
00:20:27,840 --> 00:20:30,230
"for 'pushing the
paradigm of broadcasting"
488
00:20:30,270 --> 00:20:31,820
"into the 21st century.'
489
00:20:31,850 --> 00:20:33,420
"I don't know what that means.
490
00:20:33,450 --> 00:20:35,980
I'm confused and scared. Signed, Gus."
491
00:20:36,020 --> 00:20:37,370
He actually wrote "signed, Gus."
492
00:20:37,410 --> 00:20:39,920
I don't think he understands
how texting works.
493
00:20:40,050 --> 00:20:42,560
I cannot believe we're not fired.
494
00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:44,030
No, no, we just gave them
495
00:20:44,060 --> 00:20:46,080
a whole season's worth
of free publicity.
496
00:20:46,210 --> 00:20:48,900
Right now, we are
every baseball owner's dream.
497
00:20:48,930 --> 00:20:51,500
We are superstars on a cheap contract.
498
00:20:51,830 --> 00:20:54,440
Oh, what about April if she's a girl?
499
00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:57,030
Well, behind every
great name, there's a story.
500
00:20:57,060 --> 00:20:59,140
So what's April's story?
501
00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:02,210
She's named after the start
of the baseball season.
502
00:21:02,530 --> 00:21:05,910
Oh, I like April very much.
503
00:21:06,170 --> 00:21:07,970
Boy, I feel like I'm just nailing
504
00:21:08,010 --> 00:21:09,520
this whole "good friend" thing.
505
00:21:09,550 --> 00:21:11,130
What else can I do for you?
506
00:21:11,260 --> 00:21:13,870
Just, like, not talk for a while.
507
00:21:15,590 --> 00:21:17,500
That's going to be really hard for me.
508
00:21:17,730 --> 00:21:19,460
I know.
509
00:21:25,670 --> 00:21:27,230
Aw.
36465
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