Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:04,110 --> 00:00:06,810
Boy, have I had trouble
sleeping lately.
2
00:00:06,950 --> 00:00:09,510
My sober mind, it just races through
3
00:00:09,550 --> 00:00:12,480
all the clarity and the silence.
4
00:00:14,850 --> 00:00:16,680
Brockmire,
5
00:00:16,710 --> 00:00:18,660
really finding his rhythm now.
6
00:00:18,700 --> 00:00:21,020
Masturbation, my best defense
7
00:00:21,060 --> 00:00:23,300
against the seemingly endless nights.
8
00:00:23,340 --> 00:00:25,040
Bye, bye, birdie.
9
00:00:25,430 --> 00:00:27,130
Carnal knowledge.
10
00:00:28,390 --> 00:00:31,110
Oh, "Newsies"!
11
00:00:31,410 --> 00:00:32,620
When that wore off,
12
00:00:32,660 --> 00:00:35,310
I tried to exhaust myself with hobbies.
13
00:00:41,140 --> 00:00:42,560
Ah, yeah.
14
00:00:43,870 --> 00:00:46,320
And you can be right next to Howard.
15
00:00:46,410 --> 00:00:47,700
But that turned tedious,
16
00:00:47,730 --> 00:00:49,630
so I went back to masturbation.
17
00:00:55,450 --> 00:00:57,750
Oh, Christmas is coming!
18
00:01:00,110 --> 00:01:02,950
Hoo, Merry Christmas, everybody.
19
00:01:03,070 --> 00:01:05,060
Merry Christmas.
20
00:01:07,510 --> 00:01:09,510
distant voice: Help.
21
00:01:09,630 --> 00:01:12,370
And that's when I started
hearing the voice.
22
00:01:12,460 --> 00:01:13,970
Help.
23
00:01:17,270 --> 00:01:18,610
- Help.
- It was monotone,
24
00:01:18,650 --> 00:01:20,810
but, God, it was unrelenting.
25
00:01:20,840 --> 00:01:22,540
- Help.
- And then it happened again
26
00:01:22,570 --> 00:01:24,560
- the next night.
- Help.
27
00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:28,860
- And the night after that.
- Help.
28
00:01:29,010 --> 00:01:32,320
- Help. Help.
- And the night after that.
29
00:01:32,580 --> 00:01:33,950
No matter where I looked,
30
00:01:33,980 --> 00:01:36,430
I just... I couldn't find the source.
31
00:01:36,490 --> 00:01:38,070
Help.
32
00:01:38,990 --> 00:01:40,640
Help.
33
00:01:43,690 --> 00:01:45,040
Help.
34
00:01:45,360 --> 00:01:47,680
Help. Help.
35
00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:50,490
- Help.
- There was only one explanation.
36
00:01:50,530 --> 00:01:54,470
I was chasing a voice inside
my own head.
37
00:01:54,830 --> 00:01:57,550
But what the hell was I
trying to tell myself?
38
00:01:57,720 --> 00:01:59,270
I mean, I didn't know whether
I was supposed to
39
00:01:59,300 --> 00:02:02,200
help the world or my friends or myself.
40
00:02:02,380 --> 00:02:04,180
So I just got down on my knees
41
00:02:04,220 --> 00:02:07,410
and I said a prayer to all three.
42
00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:14,010
And I just sank into serenity
like a warm bath.
43
00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:17,350
Quick footnote to that story,
44
00:02:17,430 --> 00:02:19,550
turns out I wasn't the voice at all.
45
00:02:19,580 --> 00:02:22,590
That was the voice of my
86-year-old neighbor, Eunice.
46
00:02:22,690 --> 00:02:24,670
See, my super explained to me
that Eunice
47
00:02:24,730 --> 00:02:28,790
has 24-hour in-home care,
except for a 5-minute gap
48
00:02:28,830 --> 00:02:31,210
due to the bus schedules
of both of her nurses.
49
00:02:31,380 --> 00:02:33,460
And she just screams her head off
50
00:02:33,500 --> 00:02:36,170
throughout that entire
five minutes. Ha.
51
00:02:36,210 --> 00:02:38,810
Yeah, then my super
offered me some Oxy.
52
00:02:38,840 --> 00:02:40,550
Even for Florida,
53
00:02:40,590 --> 00:02:42,550
the whole thing was extremely Florida.
54
00:02:42,630 --> 00:02:44,740
Any hoodles, that's my share,
55
00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:47,180
so don't forget to tip
that donation box, people.
56
00:02:47,230 --> 00:02:48,620
God bless, you.
57
00:02:48,730 --> 00:02:50,050
So long.
58
00:02:51,870 --> 00:02:53,920
You're supposed to listen
to the other people speak.
59
00:02:54,270 --> 00:02:56,480
I know. I'm running out
to a work thing.
60
00:02:56,620 --> 00:02:57,950
Maybe.
61
00:02:58,210 --> 00:03:00,190
That's not why you're leaving.
62
00:03:01,380 --> 00:03:02,620
How you doing there?
63
00:03:02,690 --> 00:03:04,760
- My name's Jim Brockmire.
- I know who you are.
64
00:03:04,790 --> 00:03:06,340
- Oh, yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
65
00:03:06,380 --> 00:03:09,830
Is that a positive or a
negative for me in this moment?
66
00:03:10,460 --> 00:03:11,950
It's a lot of both.
67
00:03:11,990 --> 00:03:14,050
Well, that seems to be
the general consensus.
68
00:03:14,090 --> 00:03:15,850
Look, despite what you might think,
69
00:03:15,890 --> 00:03:17,910
I take my sobriety very seriously.
70
00:03:18,050 --> 00:03:21,620
I'm looking for a sponsor while
I'm here for spring training.
71
00:03:21,710 --> 00:03:23,140
So...
72
00:03:23,300 --> 00:03:26,070
Are you interested or what?
73
00:03:26,110 --> 00:03:27,430
I'll be your sponsor,
74
00:03:27,470 --> 00:03:30,770
if you tell the truth about
the end of your share.
75
00:03:30,910 --> 00:03:32,940
I did tell you the truth
about the end of my share.
76
00:03:32,980 --> 00:03:37,140
There was a woman crying out
for help, scared and alone.
77
00:03:37,360 --> 00:03:39,460
What did you do about it?
78
00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:41,450
I soundproofed the townhouse.
79
00:03:41,510 --> 00:03:43,130
Now I'll be your sponsor.
80
00:03:43,170 --> 00:03:45,160
How'd you know that was true?
81
00:03:45,330 --> 00:03:48,470
Truth always sounds awful
when you hear it out loud.
82
00:03:48,530 --> 00:03:49,800
Ah.
83
00:03:49,990 --> 00:03:51,910
Ain't that the truth?
84
00:03:53,100 --> 00:03:55,480
Jesus, this Florida humidity.
85
00:03:55,510 --> 00:03:57,900
Gene Kelly is swinging an umbrella
86
00:03:57,940 --> 00:04:00,160
all up in my swamp ass.
87
00:04:12,090 --> 00:04:13,440
Okay.
88
00:04:14,130 --> 00:04:16,210
As some of you may have already heard,
89
00:04:16,350 --> 00:04:18,750
I'm about to head on to
the DL for a little while.
90
00:04:18,780 --> 00:04:20,680
- Kick cancer's ass, Bat!
- Yeah!
91
00:04:20,720 --> 00:04:22,990
Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma
doesn't know what it's in for!
92
00:04:23,020 --> 00:04:26,410
Thanks, fellas.
The, uh, outpouring of support
93
00:04:26,450 --> 00:04:29,540
from everybody, especially the fans,
94
00:04:29,690 --> 00:04:32,310
has been truly special.
So while I'm laid up,
95
00:04:32,370 --> 00:04:34,360
holding things down on the radio side
96
00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:36,100
will be these two superstars.
97
00:04:36,170 --> 00:04:38,470
First up, two-time NCAA
98
00:04:38,510 --> 00:04:41,140
champion softball legend, Gabby Taylor.
99
00:04:41,180 --> 00:04:43,460
Thank you.
It is an honor and a privilege
100
00:04:43,490 --> 00:04:45,290
to be sharing the stage
with you today, Bat.
101
00:04:45,410 --> 00:04:48,640
And joining Gabby in the
booth will be Jim Brockmire.
102
00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:51,940
Jim, you wanna have your public
meltdown now or later?
103
00:04:51,980 --> 00:04:53,520
Oh, well.
104
00:04:53,550 --> 00:04:56,040
Yeah, my... at this point
in my last press conference,
105
00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:58,190
I'd been tazed and stripped down naked,
106
00:04:58,230 --> 00:05:01,030
so this is already
a tremendous win for me.
107
00:05:05,570 --> 00:05:07,420
But in all seriousness,
108
00:05:07,460 --> 00:05:11,040
I'm so grateful to be back
around the game I love so much.
109
00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:12,890
It's been a very long road back.
110
00:05:12,930 --> 00:05:16,710
I have been truly humbled both
personally and professionally. and,
111
00:05:16,970 --> 00:05:19,840
well, I'm here to tell you
that I arrived here
112
00:05:19,870 --> 00:05:21,210
a very different man.
113
00:05:21,250 --> 00:05:24,470
What kind of a joyless golem
serves soup in a green room?
114
00:05:24,640 --> 00:05:27,340
Are they requesting that we
eat it out of a cup,
115
00:05:27,370 --> 00:05:30,010
out of some kind of failed
attempt at shabby chic?
116
00:05:30,090 --> 00:05:32,850
Nope, helter-skelter,
forgot the bowls. Hey!
117
00:05:32,890 --> 00:05:34,270
Just don't eat the soup.
118
00:05:37,680 --> 00:05:40,020
Jesus. Look at this shit.
119
00:05:40,060 --> 00:05:42,580
It's like a goddamn
public school cafeteria.
120
00:05:42,610 --> 00:05:44,590
- Right?
- Hey, Bat, if you're hungry,
121
00:05:44,630 --> 00:05:45,850
I'd love to take you out to lunch,
122
00:05:45,890 --> 00:05:48,320
maybe pick your broadcasting brain?
123
00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:50,660
Yeah, I'm gonna pass on lunch.
124
00:05:50,700 --> 00:05:53,400
No problem, yeah, you could
probably use the downtime.
125
00:05:53,630 --> 00:05:57,180
Actually, my aunt recently
battled breast cancer.
126
00:05:57,740 --> 00:06:00,170
I look like I have breasts?
127
00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:01,840
No.
128
00:06:01,870 --> 00:06:03,840
No, you look like you're
entirely made out of muscle,
129
00:06:03,870 --> 00:06:06,730
just like a human tendon, you know?
130
00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:13,610
Uh, don't let the cancer fool you.
131
00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:14,770
He's an asshole.
132
00:06:14,810 --> 00:06:17,190
Has to make everybody
around him feel small.
133
00:06:17,220 --> 00:06:19,440
It's part of his whole
Matt the Bat shenanigans.
134
00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:20,600
His nickname?
135
00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:21,870
He got that from being a good hitter.
136
00:06:21,910 --> 00:06:24,200
Oh, no, he was
a "Punch and Judy" infielder
137
00:06:24,240 --> 00:06:25,610
whose glove kept him in the game.
138
00:06:25,650 --> 00:06:29,280
No, the derivation of
Matt the Bat comes from, uh...
139
00:06:29,420 --> 00:06:31,920
his locker room presence.
140
00:06:32,970 --> 00:06:34,970
He's got the biggest dick
in baseball history.
141
00:06:35,010 --> 00:06:36,750
- Whoa, seriously?
- Oh, yeah.
142
00:06:36,860 --> 00:06:39,270
Matt loves all
that alpha male bullshit.
143
00:06:39,300 --> 00:06:41,710
He likes bump into you
accidentally on purpose
144
00:06:41,750 --> 00:06:42,900
to make an impression.
145
00:06:42,940 --> 00:06:45,220
Literally. Left a dent.
146
00:06:45,580 --> 00:06:47,380
There's a density to it, Gabby.
147
00:06:47,420 --> 00:06:51,220
It's like a wind sock that's
been packed with wet sand.
148
00:06:51,670 --> 00:06:54,310
Any hoodles, that's where the
name Matt the Bat comes from.
149
00:06:54,350 --> 00:06:57,370
Also, he's the worst.
I mean, the worst,
150
00:06:57,410 --> 00:06:59,530
and despite what you might have
heard about me...
151
00:06:59,580 --> 00:07:01,240
I-I. No, I'm not.
152
00:07:01,360 --> 00:07:03,470
I wanna assure you,
sobriety has changed me.
153
00:07:03,500 --> 00:07:07,350
Okay, really. I am no longer
that reckless say-anything Jim.
154
00:07:07,390 --> 00:07:08,790
You just spent the last two minutes
155
00:07:08,820 --> 00:07:12,240
going into aggressive detail
about our coworker's dick.
156
00:07:12,480 --> 00:07:14,030
Oh, shit, I did do that, didn't I?
157
00:07:14,070 --> 00:07:15,270
God damn it, I am just...
158
00:07:15,310 --> 00:07:18,670
I am not built for
the 21st century workplace.
159
00:07:18,780 --> 00:07:21,440
Are we still on for lunch, because...
160
00:07:25,970 --> 00:07:27,260
Can we just talk about
161
00:07:27,300 --> 00:07:28,630
the dick thing again for one moment?
162
00:07:28,670 --> 00:07:30,720
- Oh, my God. Why?
- Well, I want to apologize.
163
00:07:30,790 --> 00:07:33,800
I wanna assure you I am no
Louie C.K. or Charlie Rose.
164
00:07:33,830 --> 00:07:37,100
Although, I did once role play
as John Lasseter
165
00:07:37,130 --> 00:07:39,100
at a Pixar-themed orgy one time
166
00:07:39,140 --> 00:07:40,500
but, you know, I've always practiced...
167
00:07:40,530 --> 00:07:42,750
- Hello!
- Oh, hey, friend.
168
00:07:42,870 --> 00:07:45,460
Here you go. This thing's
getting mighty stinky.
169
00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:46,830
Oh, no, no, no.
170
00:07:46,890 --> 00:07:49,600
I'm your producer, Gus Barton.
How are you?
171
00:07:49,740 --> 00:07:51,440
- Hi.
- Nice to see you.
172
00:07:51,470 --> 00:07:53,270
- Gus Barton.
- Hi.
173
00:07:53,790 --> 00:07:56,710
Do you mind if I ask you
your qualifications, sir?
174
00:07:56,770 --> 00:07:58,230
I don't mind at all.
175
00:07:58,280 --> 00:08:00,040
Worked for the Montreal Expos.
176
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:01,750
The Expos left in 2004.
177
00:08:01,790 --> 00:08:02,840
Yup.
178
00:08:02,880 --> 00:08:05,400
So I spent the last 15 years
living in Montreal
179
00:08:05,440 --> 00:08:08,850
raising three kids while
my wife taught at McGill.
180
00:08:09,100 --> 00:08:11,340
The soup foretold all of this.
181
00:08:11,430 --> 00:08:14,390
So my wife jokes
that I'd be the perfect guy
182
00:08:14,430 --> 00:08:17,010
to produce a career killer
like Jim Brockmire,
183
00:08:17,070 --> 00:08:19,550
because my career is already dead.
184
00:08:19,590 --> 00:08:21,450
- Mmm.
- She's got a very dark
185
00:08:21,490 --> 00:08:22,550
sense of humor.
186
00:08:22,590 --> 00:08:24,750
I think that's what
cost her her tenure.
187
00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:26,990
2014 was a tough year.
188
00:08:27,030 --> 00:08:29,610
Nobody thinks that I'm a career killer.
189
00:08:29,650 --> 00:08:30,890
That's the first thing my agent said
190
00:08:30,930 --> 00:08:33,140
when he called to tell me
we were paired together.
191
00:08:33,910 --> 00:08:37,530
One, two, three, four,
192
00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:41,180
five, six, count me,
that's seven, eight.
193
00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:42,920
Yeah, no,
that's a lot of careers. Okay.
194
00:08:42,950 --> 00:08:44,520
- Ohh...
- No, no, no, no,
195
00:08:44,700 --> 00:08:47,580
this is when I do
a daily moral inventory.
196
00:08:47,870 --> 00:08:50,270
All right, note to self.
197
00:08:50,700 --> 00:08:56,600
"Stop killing people's careers."
198
00:08:56,600 --> 00:08:58,100
Boom. Problem solved.
199
00:08:58,160 --> 00:09:00,580
Thank you for inviting me
to the broadcaster's dinner.
200
00:09:00,620 --> 00:09:02,670
- Sure.
- I drove past it twice.
201
00:09:02,710 --> 00:09:04,080
I didn't think a nice
restaurant would be
202
00:09:04,110 --> 00:09:06,010
in such a run-down strip mall.
203
00:09:06,050 --> 00:09:08,500
All of Central Florida's
a run-down strip mall.
204
00:09:08,580 --> 00:09:11,050
This complex alone
is a Pentecostal church,
205
00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:13,270
a gun shop, and a Jersey Mike's.
206
00:09:13,420 --> 00:09:14,820
Here they are.
207
00:09:15,320 --> 00:09:16,790
Hey, boys.
208
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:19,030
Ah, hmm, looks like we're gonna need
209
00:09:19,070 --> 00:09:20,860
one more chair here, my friend.
210
00:09:20,930 --> 00:09:22,280
No, no, no, don't bother with that.
211
00:09:22,310 --> 00:09:23,600
We don't have room.
212
00:09:24,910 --> 00:09:27,100
Right, well, message received.
213
00:09:27,190 --> 00:09:29,070
Oh, no, no, no, this is some
214
00:09:29,110 --> 00:09:31,030
industrial-grade bullshit right here.
215
00:09:31,070 --> 00:09:33,330
Look, I sympathize with you, I do.
216
00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:36,030
All the things you consider
to be good, clean fun
217
00:09:36,070 --> 00:09:37,920
are now considered to be
mean and sexist,
218
00:09:37,950 --> 00:09:40,050
but, you know, that's just
'cause they are.
219
00:09:40,090 --> 00:09:42,070
The chair is for Gabby.
220
00:09:42,110 --> 00:09:44,740
- Oh.
- She's a ball player.
221
00:09:45,240 --> 00:09:46,980
Well, I don't understand.
222
00:09:47,090 --> 00:09:49,740
Well, we don't like you, Brockmire.
223
00:09:50,230 --> 00:09:52,140
- Oh.
- At your very best,
224
00:09:52,170 --> 00:09:54,370
you are like a circus bear
225
00:09:54,410 --> 00:09:56,910
who would stumble around
for the crowd to laugh at.
226
00:09:56,950 --> 00:09:59,750
- Ho ho hoo.
- Now, when they trot you out,
227
00:09:59,790 --> 00:10:02,090
it is just sad.
228
00:10:02,460 --> 00:10:04,430
Somebody should have
taken you behind the tent
229
00:10:04,470 --> 00:10:06,150
and shot you years ago.
230
00:10:06,250 --> 00:10:07,890
Well, well, well...
231
00:10:10,900 --> 00:10:12,690
- Jim, are you okay?
- No, please, I'm fine.
232
00:10:12,720 --> 00:10:14,780
Just... I'm a little more
emotional these days
233
00:10:14,820 --> 00:10:17,450
than I used to be. You stay.
234
00:10:17,490 --> 00:10:19,450
I'll grab a bite at the Jersey Mike's.
235
00:10:19,530 --> 00:10:21,390
Maybe swing by the Pentecostal church,
236
00:10:21,430 --> 00:10:24,370
watch a little snake handling
to go along with my
237
00:10:24,660 --> 00:10:27,350
aggressively oily sammie.
238
00:10:39,130 --> 00:10:41,670
What the shit!
239
00:10:42,310 --> 00:10:44,370
Well, don't just let it
hang out in my house.
240
00:10:44,410 --> 00:10:45,710
Kill it. Shoot it.
241
00:10:45,850 --> 00:10:47,530
I don't carry a gun.
242
00:10:47,610 --> 00:10:49,520
Isn't that the whole point of Florida?
243
00:10:49,590 --> 00:10:51,890
Hey, I didn't get into this job
244
00:10:51,930 --> 00:10:53,800
to kill defenseless animals, all right?
245
00:10:54,190 --> 00:10:55,470
I did it to kill gators.
246
00:10:55,510 --> 00:10:58,830
But I'm not harming that poor,
defenseless tortoise.
247
00:10:58,950 --> 00:11:00,900
That big guy hibernates in the winter.
248
00:11:00,930 --> 00:11:02,930
Now, I'm guessing they turned
the heat on a few days early...
249
00:11:02,970 --> 00:11:04,380
I'm sure his life
has all the complexity
250
00:11:04,420 --> 00:11:05,830
of a Russian novel, all right?
251
00:11:05,870 --> 00:11:07,670
Can you please just get it
the hell out of here?
252
00:11:07,700 --> 00:11:09,410
Look, it's coming at us.
253
00:11:09,530 --> 00:11:11,910
It's an elderly animal.
No one's gonna adopt it.
254
00:11:11,980 --> 00:11:13,340
Betty White is an elderly animal.
255
00:11:13,380 --> 00:11:17,520
That is a boring monster
who smells like dead, wet dog.
256
00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:19,800
If I take him, it's a death sentence.
257
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:21,390
Okay.
258
00:11:21,870 --> 00:11:23,770
I'm good with that.
259
00:11:26,130 --> 00:11:28,510
It's probably for the best.
260
00:11:29,550 --> 00:11:31,120
Darwin.
261
00:11:33,610 --> 00:11:35,160
There you go.
262
00:11:36,900 --> 00:11:38,200
Ugh!
263
00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:50,800
- What's in the folder?
- Research.
264
00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:52,760
Fun facts for the big broadcast.
265
00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:54,600
God, I love the public library.
266
00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:56,410
It's America's greatest institution.
267
00:11:56,490 --> 00:11:58,310
Yeah, the last time I was
in a public library
268
00:11:58,350 --> 00:12:00,540
I saw three different homeless
people masturbating.
269
00:12:00,570 --> 00:12:02,870
Yeah, not a great time
for American institutions.
270
00:12:02,950 --> 00:12:05,160
- No. I got you something.
- Oh.
271
00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:07,460
In softball, the entire team
always wears something
272
00:12:07,500 --> 00:12:09,630
on opening day as a sign of unity.
273
00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:11,990
The best team I was ever on
did this tour through China
274
00:12:12,030 --> 00:12:13,900
where I got these pins.
275
00:12:14,050 --> 00:12:15,350
I thought we could wear them.
276
00:12:15,390 --> 00:12:17,650
Oh, that's so sweet and thoughtful.
277
00:12:17,680 --> 00:12:18,730
Thank you.
278
00:12:18,770 --> 00:12:20,510
So what, you wear one, I wear one,
279
00:12:20,550 --> 00:12:22,120
and then we put one on the desk to like
280
00:12:22,230 --> 00:12:23,410
represent the audience?
281
00:12:23,450 --> 00:12:24,990
No, the third pin is for Gus.
282
00:12:25,020 --> 00:12:26,910
Oh, gross. No. Come on. No.
283
00:12:26,950 --> 00:12:28,750
He's not part of the team.
We're the talent.
284
00:12:28,780 --> 00:12:30,750
You don't give Gus a gift
for the same reason
285
00:12:30,790 --> 00:12:32,440
you don't feed a dog from the table.
286
00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:34,230
Very important that he always
knows his place.
287
00:12:34,270 --> 00:12:35,940
- What an asshole.
- Oh, man,
288
00:12:35,970 --> 00:12:37,220
he's just the worst, isn't he?
289
00:12:37,260 --> 00:12:39,090
- Not him. You.
- Right.
290
00:12:39,130 --> 00:12:42,100
My philosophy about broadcasting is
291
00:12:42,130 --> 00:12:43,760
you don't sweat the small stuff.
292
00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:45,500
- And you know what?
- Ooh, don't say it.
293
00:12:45,540 --> 00:12:47,550
It's all small stuff.
294
00:12:47,650 --> 00:12:50,100
And you wanted to give him a pin.
295
00:12:50,210 --> 00:12:53,010
You see, we are
the part-time radio crew
296
00:12:53,320 --> 00:12:55,680
of the cheapest organization
in baseball.
297
00:12:55,910 --> 00:12:59,670
So enjoy the view from the
bottom of the broadcast barrel.
298
00:12:59,750 --> 00:13:02,710
- Relax, put on your headphones...
- Don't do headphones.
299
00:13:02,740 --> 00:13:04,430
Can't stand the sound of my own voice.
300
00:13:04,460 --> 00:13:05,890
Really? Now, see,
301
00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:07,670
I assumed you
masturbated to your own voice.
302
00:13:07,700 --> 00:13:09,870
My real voice, sure, but no headphone
303
00:13:09,900 --> 00:13:12,210
can capture the complex bourbon
and butter flavor
304
00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:13,450
of my actual timbre.
305
00:13:13,490 --> 00:13:15,880
Jim, I get the impression
306
00:13:16,170 --> 00:13:18,620
that you don't respect me
as a producer.
307
00:13:19,090 --> 00:13:20,390
Well, Gus, I'm so sorry.
308
00:13:20,430 --> 00:13:22,120
I did not mean to give you
that impression.
309
00:13:22,160 --> 00:13:23,940
I should have been more clear.
310
00:13:24,010 --> 00:13:28,000
I 100% don't respect you
as a producer or as a man.
311
00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:31,250
Gus, I guess I don't respect
you in totality.
312
00:13:31,420 --> 00:13:33,460
Fine, one man's opinion.
313
00:13:33,490 --> 00:13:35,090
How about you, Gabby, huh?
314
00:13:35,270 --> 00:13:37,070
What do you think?
315
00:13:37,810 --> 00:13:40,350
Really? How come?
316
00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:41,770
Well, it starts with the overalls
317
00:13:41,810 --> 00:13:43,590
and then it just kind of
branches out from there.
318
00:13:43,630 --> 00:13:48,870
Overalls allow me to fully
experience the freedom of life
319
00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:50,830
without undergarments.
320
00:13:50,870 --> 00:13:52,120
- Ohh...
- And you guys,
321
00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:56,920
y-you voluntarily wear
the 100% cotton chastity belts,
322
00:13:57,010 --> 00:13:58,820
and I'm the weirdo, huh?
323
00:13:59,020 --> 00:14:03,330
All right, Jim, you don't wear
headphones, fine.
324
00:14:03,690 --> 00:14:05,440
I'll just poke you with a big stick
325
00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:07,130
whenever I need to tell you something.
326
00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:09,850
Okay, headphones. Let's see.
327
00:14:09,940 --> 00:14:11,420
Testing, one, two. Testing.
328
00:14:11,460 --> 00:14:15,430
Folks. Folks, that ball is
Maria-Conchita-a-gone-zo.
329
00:14:15,490 --> 00:14:16,800
Well, these thing's are broken
330
00:14:16,830 --> 00:14:19,230
because my voice sounds
ridiculous through them.
331
00:14:23,140 --> 00:14:26,610
All right, we're on
in three, two, one...
332
00:14:26,840 --> 00:14:28,920
Welcome, everybody,
to the inaugural season
333
00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:31,270
at Oaklands's brand-new
spring training facility
334
00:14:31,300 --> 00:14:32,940
here in Seascape, Florida.
335
00:14:32,980 --> 00:14:34,250
I am Jim Brockmire.
336
00:14:34,290 --> 00:14:35,970
I'm joined by my partner, Gabby Taylor.
337
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:38,250
Very excited to be joining
you in the booth today, Jim,
338
00:14:38,290 --> 00:14:39,850
in this lovely new stadium.
339
00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:42,320
It is a beautiful spring
afternoon for baseball here
340
00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:44,590
at King Venom Vape Cartridge Stadium.
341
00:14:44,740 --> 00:14:46,840
Few fun facts
about the city of Seascape,
342
00:14:46,870 --> 00:14:48,700
our home for the next six weeks...
343
00:14:48,730 --> 00:14:51,930
two years ago, its mostly
elderly and retired citizens
344
00:14:51,970 --> 00:14:53,470
were duped. They were tricked
345
00:14:53,500 --> 00:14:56,020
into paying for this stadium
by voting yes
346
00:14:56,050 --> 00:14:59,550
on the misleadingly named
Make Grandchildren Visit Act.
347
00:14:59,810 --> 00:15:02,840
So a $200-million-stadium was built
348
00:15:02,910 --> 00:15:05,400
that nobody wanted and had
no team to occupy it.
349
00:15:05,430 --> 00:15:06,930
In order to lure Oakland
350
00:15:06,970 --> 00:15:09,050
to come all the way across the country,
351
00:15:09,090 --> 00:15:11,640
the city of Seascape had to
promise them free rent,
352
00:15:11,670 --> 00:15:15,620
so we are party here today
to a civic boondoggle
353
00:15:15,660 --> 00:15:17,060
of just epic proportions.
354
00:15:17,100 --> 00:15:18,890
I mean, swimming pools drained,
355
00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:20,810
children's educations thwarted,
356
00:15:20,850 --> 00:15:22,560
shut-in's meals undelivered...
357
00:15:22,590 --> 00:15:26,490
all in the name of King Venom
Vape Cartridge Stadium.
358
00:15:26,770 --> 00:15:28,620
"King Venom Vape Cartridges,
359
00:15:28,650 --> 00:15:30,950
"the best in the biz.
And we're not blowing smoke.
360
00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:35,240
We're blowing flavor infused
vapor, ash-holezzz."
361
00:15:35,290 --> 00:15:37,390
Boy, that seemed needlessly aggressive.
362
00:15:37,420 --> 00:15:38,810
That's enough, Jim.
363
00:15:39,250 --> 00:15:41,690
Are you kidding, sir?
We are on the air here.
364
00:15:41,780 --> 00:15:43,170
No, we're not.
365
00:15:43,210 --> 00:15:45,460
I knew you were gonna pull this
shit during the first game,
366
00:15:45,490 --> 00:15:48,130
so I lied to you about
starting the broadcast.
367
00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:50,070
We're actually on the air now.
368
00:15:50,100 --> 00:15:52,670
Oh, no, 20 seconds ago.
369
00:15:52,770 --> 00:15:54,120
20 seconds ago?
370
00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:55,590
What the fuck was that?
371
00:15:55,630 --> 00:15:57,030
Everything I said was public record.
372
00:15:57,130 --> 00:15:58,580
It was all in the newspaper.
373
00:15:58,610 --> 00:15:59,860
What is the big deal?
374
00:15:59,900 --> 00:16:02,110
You make a big show
about how different you are,
375
00:16:02,140 --> 00:16:04,010
but going from drunk asshole
to sober asshole
376
00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:05,860
isn't the dramatic makeover
you think it is.
377
00:16:05,890 --> 00:16:07,610
It's not like I dragged you into it.
378
00:16:07,650 --> 00:16:09,450
Yes, you did. We are partners.
379
00:16:09,490 --> 00:16:11,350
My future is handcuffed to yours,
380
00:16:11,380 --> 00:16:13,070
and as a black woman in the same game
381
00:16:13,110 --> 00:16:14,450
that protected Art Newlie,
382
00:16:14,490 --> 00:16:16,690
I'm not gonna get
chance after chance like you.
383
00:16:16,730 --> 00:16:18,650
This is it. I get the one.
384
00:16:18,710 --> 00:16:20,780
If that mic had been live,
you could have ended my career.
385
00:16:20,820 --> 00:16:22,310
Well, no, no, I could not have,
386
00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:23,880
'cause remember I wrote that
down in the book?
387
00:16:23,920 --> 00:16:25,200
No, 'member?
388
00:16:25,230 --> 00:16:26,360
I did write it.
389
00:16:26,400 --> 00:16:27,650
In, in, in...
390
00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:29,420
- Oh, boy.
- Hey.
391
00:16:29,570 --> 00:16:32,040
Heard you had dead air
on your first broadcast.
392
00:16:32,080 --> 00:16:33,360
Wow!
393
00:16:33,650 --> 00:16:35,380
Seriously, if you want to go
back behind the tent,
394
00:16:35,420 --> 00:16:36,560
I'll make it quick.
395
00:16:36,590 --> 00:16:38,960
No, stay away from me
with the penis bullshit!
396
00:16:39,030 --> 00:16:40,470
Too fast for you!
397
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:43,200
Two legs are always quicker than three.
398
00:16:48,010 --> 00:16:49,690
Oh, shit!
399
00:16:49,720 --> 00:16:51,240
Ow.
400
00:16:52,330 --> 00:16:53,820
Oh, gross!
401
00:16:53,900 --> 00:16:55,320
God damn it.
402
00:16:56,530 --> 00:16:57,750
Come here.
403
00:17:00,950 --> 00:17:02,420
There you go.
404
00:17:02,850 --> 00:17:04,550
Have a nice life.
405
00:17:10,610 --> 00:17:13,730
Jim, you wanna have your
public meltdown now or later?
406
00:17:13,850 --> 00:17:15,630
Going from drunk asshole
to sober asshole...
407
00:17:15,670 --> 00:17:17,470
There was a woman crying out for help,
408
00:17:17,530 --> 00:17:20,270
scared and alone.
What did you do about it?
409
00:17:20,340 --> 00:17:21,880
You can't change.
410
00:17:21,970 --> 00:17:23,730
You were born broken and made worse.
411
00:17:23,760 --> 00:17:24,800
Little piece of shit.
412
00:17:24,830 --> 00:17:28,210
You are just a miserable piece of shit!
413
00:17:28,340 --> 00:17:29,900
What's going on?
414
00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:32,210
What's going on is
I haven't slept in a week.
415
00:17:32,660 --> 00:17:34,070
Almost got fired my first day,
416
00:17:34,110 --> 00:17:35,830
everybody at work hates my guts.
417
00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:39,720
I mean, as insane as this might
sound to say out loud,
418
00:17:39,830 --> 00:17:42,380
it's like nobody
even cares that I am sober.
419
00:17:42,500 --> 00:17:44,920
They don't. Jesus. What do you expect?
420
00:17:44,990 --> 00:17:46,340
A parade?
421
00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:48,550
Para... A party, maybe.
422
00:17:48,720 --> 00:17:50,980
You know, lots of soda,
and people hugging me,
423
00:17:51,020 --> 00:17:52,740
telling me how proud they are of me.
424
00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:55,100
Maybe Joe Buck'd give a speech.
425
00:17:55,650 --> 00:17:57,600
Everybody chips in and buys me a star.
426
00:17:57,630 --> 00:18:00,430
You know, like a constellation.
I'm just spitballing.
427
00:18:02,140 --> 00:18:04,910
God, Earl's gonna love that one.
428
00:18:05,260 --> 00:18:07,290
I thought this was
supposed to be anonymous.
429
00:18:07,370 --> 00:18:08,940
Oh, yeah, no, no, it is.
430
00:18:09,060 --> 00:18:11,100
Don't worry, I never mention
you by name.
431
00:18:11,140 --> 00:18:13,770
I just told him you were
a famous sportscaster
432
00:18:13,810 --> 00:18:15,920
known for a string of public meltdowns.
433
00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:18,180
Well, that narrows it down
to me and Marv Albert,
434
00:18:18,230 --> 00:18:19,920
and Marv ain't in Seascape, Shirley.
435
00:18:19,950 --> 00:18:22,540
Look, people are just gonna doubt you
436
00:18:22,610 --> 00:18:25,310
till you can prove you're
making different choices.
437
00:18:25,340 --> 00:18:27,230
But I am making different choices.
438
00:18:27,270 --> 00:18:29,640
In the old days, I would have
ripped Matt and new one.
439
00:18:29,870 --> 00:18:31,830
Nobody talks to me like that
and gets a pass,
440
00:18:31,870 --> 00:18:34,370
but I held my tongue
on account of the cancer.
441
00:18:34,570 --> 00:18:38,300
You want credit for not
insulting a man with cancer?
442
00:18:38,430 --> 00:18:39,820
Yeah!
443
00:18:40,050 --> 00:18:43,920
I'm gonna guess you started
drinking at, uh, 15.
444
00:18:44,130 --> 00:18:45,730
That's right. How did you know that?
445
00:18:45,870 --> 00:18:49,950
Well, an alcoholic's maturity
usually freezes in time
446
00:18:50,050 --> 00:18:52,670
right about when they first
pick up the bottle.
447
00:18:53,080 --> 00:18:54,990
Also I have a shitty, know-it-all
448
00:18:55,020 --> 00:18:56,620
15-year-old at home.
449
00:18:56,830 --> 00:18:58,150
Makes sense.
450
00:18:58,270 --> 00:18:59,980
I do jerk it like a 15-year-old.
451
00:19:00,030 --> 00:19:03,250
He buys these Costco-sized
tubs of lotion
452
00:19:03,290 --> 00:19:04,830
for his dry hands.
453
00:19:04,860 --> 00:19:06,660
I still don't know why
he needs the candles.
454
00:19:06,700 --> 00:19:07,970
Mm. You know,
455
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:09,660
sometimes you want to treat yourself.
456
00:19:09,750 --> 00:19:11,950
I often put on Sade...
457
00:19:12,470 --> 00:19:14,920
make a night of it.
458
00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:18,180
Okay, so, look,
459
00:19:18,470 --> 00:19:20,510
the key to relationships
460
00:19:20,550 --> 00:19:22,420
is to learn how to be in one
461
00:19:22,460 --> 00:19:24,440
without expecting anything in return.
462
00:19:24,820 --> 00:19:26,440
Well, how's that a relationship?
463
00:19:26,480 --> 00:19:28,150
Where's the transaction?
464
00:19:28,270 --> 00:19:30,450
Just start out with a plant.
465
00:19:30,740 --> 00:19:32,970
Or, you know, a very
low-maintenance pet
466
00:19:33,010 --> 00:19:36,560
like a lizard, or a snake,
467
00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:40,020
I don't know. You know? A frog.
468
00:19:43,420 --> 00:19:46,420
I wouldn't even know
where to get one of those.
469
00:19:47,470 --> 00:19:48,980
Hey.
470
00:19:50,860 --> 00:19:52,710
You were right, okay? I'm an asshole.
471
00:19:52,750 --> 00:19:54,020
I'm a total asshole.
472
00:19:54,050 --> 00:19:56,130
I want to be a good person like you.
473
00:19:56,160 --> 00:19:57,210
I really do.
474
00:19:57,250 --> 00:19:59,070
I just have no idea how to go about it.
475
00:19:59,210 --> 00:20:01,720
I know that not littering
figures prominently.
476
00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:03,300
Beyond that, I'm just winging it.
477
00:20:03,370 --> 00:20:04,970
Please be patient with me, okay?
478
00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:06,920
I promise you I'm gonna do better.
479
00:20:07,340 --> 00:20:09,900
Hmm. I see you're wearing that pin
480
00:20:09,930 --> 00:20:12,440
in a cheap ploy to win my affection.
481
00:20:12,490 --> 00:20:13,630
Cheap?
482
00:20:13,770 --> 00:20:16,830
Paid a fortune to have these
overnighted from China.
483
00:20:17,060 --> 00:20:19,290
I gave one to Gus,
and I apologized to him.
484
00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:20,370
Hmm.
485
00:20:20,410 --> 00:20:22,540
Yeah, I thought you might be skeptical,
486
00:20:22,580 --> 00:20:23,960
so I took a picture of us
487
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:27,210
with today's paper as proof of pin.
488
00:20:27,930 --> 00:20:29,330
- Huh.
- See?
489
00:20:29,370 --> 00:20:31,110
I really want to be on
your team, Gabby.
490
00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:34,560
And even more than that,
I'd like to be your friend.
491
00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:37,140
Okay, yeah, I mean,
492
00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:38,400
I don't know about friend,
493
00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:40,920
but I could use a workout partner.
494
00:20:40,950 --> 00:20:42,000
I'll take what I can get.
495
00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:44,410
Now, I've been exercising
a lot since I got sober.
496
00:20:44,450 --> 00:20:46,760
I'm not the fastest runner
in the world,
497
00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:49,360
but are you familiar with
the story of the tortoise and...
498
00:20:49,390 --> 00:20:50,770
- Shit!
- What?
499
00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:51,940
Where are you going?
500
00:20:51,980 --> 00:20:53,700
I just threw away my one chance
501
00:20:53,730 --> 00:20:56,120
at healthy, adult relationships.
502
00:20:57,430 --> 00:20:58,840
Turtle!
503
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:03,400
How far could you get?
504
00:21:06,460 --> 00:21:08,460
Help.
505
00:21:10,660 --> 00:21:11,710
Help...
35479
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.