All language subtitles for Will & Grace - 10x03 - Tex and the City

"Will & Grace" is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

Oh, thank God! I'm starving.

Starving? I thought you

and the Curmudgeon were out to dinner.

I thought we were going
to finally have sex,

so I didn't want to come at him
all bloated and gross.

Of course not. Save it for me.

I can't believe you guys
still haven't had sex.

It's been weeks. Aren't you worried

the window's going to close?

Of course I am. I like him so much.

But you know I only sleep with guys

right away who I don't like.

That'll show them.

Oh, look, it's a double feature.

"Rio Homo" and "High by Noon."

Hey, we're going to Texas!

Karen's flying us down
to see my grandson Skip.

He's singing
in a church concert tomorrow,

and Elliot's out of town,
so I'm going to go support him.

And I was already flying down there

to see the section of the wall
that I sponsored.

That border wall is un-American.

Only on one side. Our side is un-Mexican.

[MOUTHING WORDS]

Oh, Will, come with me.
Skip would love to see you,

and Texas would be so fun.

All the colorful sheriffs
and the busty madams.

That's "The Best
Little Whorehouse in Texas."

Well, we'll find out, won't we?

You should go, Will.
You know, to be there for Skip,

and to do something nice for your friend.

You just want the apartment to yourself

so you can finally sleep with Noah.

- Yeah, I'm the friend.
- I guess I could go.

I did buy those new suede cowboy boots

to see "A Star is Born" opening night.

I... I think I got
all the tear stains out.

You haven't had sex with him yet?

What, are you having it renovated?

Rip up the carpet, paint the walls,

and let him move in.

[UPBEAT TRUMPET AND PIANO MUSIC]

Synced & corrected by -robtor-
www.addic7ed.com

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

It's Noah!

Uh...

- Noah, it's not a great time.
- Grace, open up.

It's an emergency.

What's the matter? Are you okay?

We need to have sex.
I think the window is closing.

I know, right?

I meant to bring it up at dinner,

but I got distracted
by that stupid waitress.

"Hi, my name's Paisley."

Who names their child
after an old lady's scarf?

Yesterday, I had
an Uber driver named Jonald.

Two stars for your dumb name.

You may be the perfect woman.

I think so too.

Okay, that's enough foreplay.
Let's do this.

So uh, what are we thinking?
Here or the bedroom?

Is the balcony crazy?

Uh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, stop.

- What, what's wrong?
- Look at me.

Oh, okay.

Is this better? You like this?

Um, no, no. No... I mean, yes.

But, no, I just... I just ate too much.

I feel... I feel gross.

I don't think you're gross.
So, problem solved.

You've never felt too gross for sex?

Never, not once.

Not even the day I got hit by a cab.

If the woman's on board,
the train leaves the station.

Well, women just aren't wired like that.

- It's biology.
- No, you're just being neurotic.

I'm not...

You know what? Fine.

No, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?

- We're having sex.
- No, no, we're not.

Not... not if you don't feel like it.

No, but you talked me into it.

No, no, no, no, no. No.

No, nobody's talking anybody into sex.

Not in 2018.

[UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Wow.

You know, being in Texas reminds me

of watching "Dallas" as a kid,

and wanting shoulder pads
like Victoria Principal.

And using Maxi-Pads to do it.

You know, like... like most boys my age.

Keep your voice down, Mary Ellen.

What is wrong with you?

You've been acting strange
since we landed.

I didn't know the real Texas
would be so...

Texas-y, you know?

I feel a suffocating cloud
of homophobia following us.

That may be the Midnight
Fantasy by Britney Spears

that you're wearing.

Does this place seem
homo-friendly to you?

A guy outside looked at me
and spit on the ground.

He's chewing tobacco.

You're not supposed to swallow it.

See? Homophobic!

Grandpa Jack! Will!

- Hey!
- Oh, my God, Skip!

Good to see you, buddy. Come here.

Oh, my God. Hey, come sit.

My mom's outside.
I just wanted to say hi.

I'm so glad you're going to
see me sing for the first time.

I wouldn't miss it for the world.

I'm so proud of you.

You know, a lot of people are scared

to share their talents with the world.

And some people aren't
scared enough to share theirs.

- Good one.
- Not really.

You're young. Your sense
of humor is still developing.

Hey, let's take a selfie!

My new Pixel has a wide-angle lens

so we can get most of Will in it.

[LAUGHS] See, that's funny and smart.

[SHUTTER SNAPS]

- There.
- So, uh, Skip.

What church song are you going to sing?

It's not that kind of concert.

It's a talent show, and
the song I'm doing is a secret.

But you're going to love it.

Who am I kidding? I have to tell you.

I'm doing "Diamonds
are a Girl's Best Friend"!

- That's great.
- That's so great.

[WHISPERING] Oh, my God!

- That's a great song.
- To sing in Texas!

[WHISPERING] No, it's not.

It's so exciting. Say, tell me.

Is there an exit from the backstage area

to the street in case of an emergency?

- I don't know, why?
- No reason.

So exciting! [LAUGHS]

[MOUTHING WORDS]

[UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC]

[BIRD CAWS]

I've got an incoming civilian.

Looks like a rich white lady.
Will engage and report back.

Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Howdy, officer. Sorry I'm late,

but I decided to go over

the bumpiest parts of the road twice.

Let's just say this cowgirl

was coming 'round the mountain
when she came.

- Can I help you, ma'am?
- I'm Karen Walker.

This is my portion of the wall.
Pretty, isn't it?

I love how it lets them see
what they can't have.

I'm afraid this isn't
your section of the wall.

- Someone else sponsored it.
- That's impossible.

I specifically requested this section

because this is where the most
illegal drugs get seized.

I appreciate you trying to help

keep drugs out of America...

Who says I'm trying to keep them out?

This is an outrage.

Who would have the giant cojones

to steal my sponsorship of the wall?

Well, well, well.

Hello, Karen.

I thought "Walker, Texas Ranger"

got canceled years ago
because of old age.

Oh, and I nearly forgot

to congratulate you on "Toy Story 4."

I heard Stan kicked you out of the manse

like a dried-up old tumbleweed.

I never thought you would have
blown all the way down here.

Or are you just visiting
my section of the wall?

It's my section, Wyatt Twerp.

Now get these Hot Wheels out of here

before I move them out for you.

- I'd like to see you try.
- Hold on tight, Beverley.

Because you're about to try
reverse cowboy.

[BOTH GRUNT]

Take that, you Mexican jumping queen!

[CRASHING]

♪ ♪

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

- Hello.
- Well, hello.

- You look great.
- And I feel like I look great.

Then nothing's stopping the train

from leaving the station.

All aboard who's coming aboard.

I'm going to need to see you papers.

Wait, I just took it
to a weird Nazi place.

All right, let's do this.

[BOTH LAUGH]

- Oh, oh, by the way.
- Uh-huh.

- A little something for later.
- Okay.

Oh, my God! You went to City Sandwich!

- Yeah, I did good, huh?
- Oh, so good.

- Oh, God, I miss that place.
- What do you mean?

- It didn't go anywhere.
- Oh, well, it's kind of funny.

I slept with a guy who works there,

and he got kind of... kind of clingy.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You slept with a guy who works there?

Yeah, he made such good sandwiches,

I thought I was into him,

but it was definitely just the sandwich.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. The...

The guy who makes the sandwiches?

With the beard? You mean Brian?

You know Brian?

Yeah.

Of course I know Brian!

Brian's my guy!

Well, I guess he was kind of my guy too.

That's not funny.

I can't believe you're this jealous.

No, no, no. I'm not jealous, okay?

It's just that you slept
with someone I know

who just touched my meat.

What are we even talking about?

I don't know.

So we're not... we're not...

What do you think?

[SIGHS]

[SNIFFS]

Delicious. Brian wins again.

Skip can't sing a song
that gay in a Texas church.

He'll be scarred for life.
Figuratively, and maybe even...

What's the other one? I can't remember.

- You mean "literally"?
- Yes, well, I literally

can't remember the opposite
of "figuratively."

- What am I going to do?
- What are you talking about?

You're the one who rescued him
from that conversion camp

and gave him the courage to be who he is.

In New York. Not in Texas.

They beat up gay kids for sport here.

Haven't you ever seen
"Friday Night Lights"?

Yes, but I'm pretty sure you haven't.

Learning how not to be a target

is just as much a part of being
gay as learning how to do this.

See what you made me do?

You know I always high kick
when I'm emotional.

Jack, have you ever wondered

why I'm not a world-famous rock star?

Can't sing, can't dance, cankles?

It was the fall of 1980,
and a young Will Truman

was crying into his Perry Ellis sheets

because his mother wouldn't
let him do the talent contest

dressed as Freddie Mercury from Queen.

She said it was my own fault
if I got beat up.

And when I signed up anyway,

she hid my moustache and fake teeth.

Wow.

I see why you never told me that story.

Yeah, painful.

It's long.

Learn to edit, Will.

Jack, this is my origin story.

Me, alone, singing "Bohemian Rhapsody"

to my GI Joes, who met while
on leave and fell in love.

Do you know how that felt?

Trying to be a queen,

and not being supported
by someone I love?

It left a mark that I've
never completely gotten over.

- He'll get bullied.
- Maybe.

And that would be horrible.

But he needs to live his truth,
and you need to support him.

That all makes sense in America.

But this is Texas!

♪ ♪

[UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC]

This is preposterous!

What am I even being charged with?

Fleeing the scene
of a child's birthday cake.

And stealing my wall.

Mr. Leslie, can you come with me?

I will.

There's no need for excessive force.

Unless that's what you're into.

This place is pretty miserable.

Unless...

I'm sorry, is this your house?

- No, I'm locked up, like you.
- Ah, what are you in for?

I tried to climb your precious wall.

Oh, well, maybe you should do
what other immigrants do

to try to get in legally, like,

I don't know, be white,
or look white, or...

marry the president.

Besides, is Mexico so bad?

I snuck across the southern border

fleeing the brutal gangs of my home.

I have travelled 2,000 miles
and spent my life savings

paying off the cops
and hiding from the cartels.

For me, Mexico has been hell.

Well.

The beaches are nice,

but it sounds like you've
been mostly inland.

Why am I even talking to you?

I bet you couldn't even find
El Salvador on a map.

El Salvador?

I knew someone from El Salvador.

Her name was Rosario. Did you know her?

We had a burro named Rosario.

Loud, and stubborn, and kicked
you when you got too close.

That's her!

♪ ♪

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

All right, I walked around the block,

and I saw a millennial protesting straws

get crapped on by a pigeon,

and I didn't even crack a smile.

- Why are you telling me this?
- Because that sort of thing

usually cheers me up.

Are we too crazy for each other?

- Well, you are a lot of work.
- You're no picnic, either.

What? Eh, who am I kidding?

[SIGHS]

You know what, maybe it's good
that the window closed.

Yeah.

Maybe we dodged a bullet.

- It's a shame, really.
- How so?

I bet the sex with us
would have been amazing.

Definitely, I mean,

crazy on crazy can get pretty crazy.

In my '20s, I'd just phone it in.

Now I got something to prove.

My constant fear of death
has infused my lovemaking

with a sense of panic
that's really upped my game.

At this point,

there's basically nothing I won't do.

Mm.

- It's too bad.
- Yeah, too bad.

Hey, when you say
there's basically nothing

you won't do, you... you mean...

Everything.

I'm tired. I'm going to bed.

You can let yourself out.

Oh, my God. What is taking you so long?

[UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC]

You know, up until this point,

I hadn't heard one bad thing
about the wall,

and I watch Fox News all the time.

I've heard a lot about
the War on Christmas, but...

Well, they've never trashed the wall.

Gosh.

What if it had kept my Rosario out?

She came to America,
just like you want to.

And all her dreams came true.

What did she do?

She cleaned my toilets,

and made sure I didn't choke
on my own sick while I slept.

My dreams are a little different.

Really? How so?

My husband came here four
years ago with my daughter.

I just want to be with them again.

Hmm.

Here, honey. Take this.

I bought it for myself when Rosario died.

It's worth a stupid amount of money.

Sell it, and maybe you can
get yourself out of here

and find your family.

[DOOR BUZZES]

Mrs. Walker, you're free to go.

Thank you.

You seem like a person
with many horrible qualities.

Who can occasionally be redeemed

through unexpected kindness.

Good read.

Oh, Karen,

the things he made me do to him
to let us go.

He may look like Mr. Clean,
but he's Mr. Dirty.

Anyway, he said that all we had to do

was split the cost of repairing

the gap that we made in the wall.

Well, you're on your own.

I'm not sponsoring that thing anymore.

What? Do I look like the kind of man

that would pay
an exorbitant amount of money

just to have a hole filled?

Oh, Beverley Leslie.

Sometimes, you make it too easy.

♪ ♪

Hi, is this where the talent show is?

You are in the right place.
The last boy is singing now.

The "sensitive" one
with the fancy haircut.

- Will, start the car.
- Yeah, we... we took a Lyft.

- And I cannot let you...
- Start the Lyft!

♪ Diamonds! ♪

♪ But diamonds ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Are a girl's best ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Best friend ♪

[APPLAUSE]

Oh, my God! They're all slapping him!

You don't recognize that sound

because it's applause.

Jack? Open your eyes.

- They love him.
- They do?

- They do.
- They do!

That's my grandson! He's related to me!

I dreamed of being in a talent show once.

I fantasized about playing
my idol, Freddie Mercury,

but my mother had other ideas.

This sounds like a long story.

Yeah, but I... I made some edits.

Great job, Skip.

I want to thank my Grandpa Jack

for teaching me to always be
true to myself, no matter what.

Sounds like he's a great role model.

No, I'm not, I...

but now's not the time to make
some dramatic confession.

I am the worst role model in the world!

May I?

- Oh, I'd really rather...
- Thank you so much.

Skip, I've been a terrible grandpa.

I came here to actually
stop you from performing.

Well, why would you want to stop me?

Because I... I thought they
wouldn't accept you as you are.

I just assumed they'd be homophobic,

but it turns out I was Texa-phobic.

Intolerance comes in many forms.

I'm having a private conversation

with my grandson here.

Thank you.

Then why are you still on the mic?

Because it's a teachable moment, pastor!

Thank you, go in peace.

Skip, it's... it's important to
see people for who they are,

not for who you expect them to be.

A powerful notion everyone heard

because I'm on the mic!

Please, don't let anyone ever
talk you out of being you.

- Even if it's you?
- Even if it's me.

Although, Marilyn did have cleaner lines

and a stronger turnout.

But we got time for that.

And I just want to say
to my friend, Will,

that I should have listened to him,

and that I wish he had the chance

to let out his inner "Queen."

♪ Ay-oh! ♪

♪ Ay-oh ♪

♪ Ay-oh! ♪

Grandpa Jack?

Can something be too gay?

Yes, it can, Skip.