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1
00:00:03,699 --> 00:00:04,047
.
2
00:00:04,091 --> 00:00:05,440
- Morning, Titi Bears.
3
00:00:05,483 --> 00:00:06,441
I gotta be real right now,
4
00:00:06,484 --> 00:00:08,443
and this is not a paid ad.
5
00:00:08,486 --> 00:00:11,576
If you wanna be like me,
you gotta be cool, real,
6
00:00:11,620 --> 00:00:13,578
and you need...
7
00:00:13,622 --> 00:00:16,190
an Arby's Brisket Bacon
Beef 'n Cheddar.
8
00:00:16,233 --> 00:00:18,888
I high-key live on these.
9
00:00:18,931 --> 00:00:21,064
Hashtag paid ad.
10
00:00:21,108 --> 00:00:23,197
Mmm!
Yum-yum-yum-gulp-swallow.
11
00:00:23,240 --> 00:00:25,634
I'm loving your guys' comments.
12
00:00:25,677 --> 00:00:28,158
"Heart, heart, heart."
"Your fit is fire."
13
00:00:28,202 --> 00:00:29,551
"How are you steering?"
14
00:00:29,594 --> 00:00:31,988
[screams]
15
00:00:32,032 --> 00:00:34,077
Now I gotta go back
to the car store.
16
00:00:34,121 --> 00:00:36,079
Okay, I know all you bears
wanna know
17
00:00:36,123 --> 00:00:37,602
what I hit this time.
18
00:00:37,646 --> 00:00:39,822
So...
19
00:00:39,865 --> 00:00:40,997
oh, no!
20
00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:43,217
It's the tall mom
from "Knives Out."
21
00:00:43,260 --> 00:00:46,046
Is that guy, like, dying?
22
00:00:46,089 --> 00:00:47,395
- I told you,
23
00:00:47,438 --> 00:00:49,832
spaghetti is not car food!
24
00:00:49,875 --> 00:00:51,747
- Hey, last time I checked,
you were the mayor,
25
00:00:51,790 --> 00:00:53,314
not a spaghetti expert.
26
00:00:53,357 --> 00:00:56,534
[bright music]
27
00:00:56,578 --> 00:01:03,237
♪
28
00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:04,890
- Sir, do you want us
to clear your calendar
29
00:01:04,934 --> 00:01:05,935
to see a chiropractor?
30
00:01:05,978 --> 00:01:07,328
- No, no. We clear nothing.
31
00:01:07,371 --> 00:01:09,852
Today is the day
I announce my space elevator.
32
00:01:09,895 --> 00:01:11,810
- The accident's already up
to 3 million views,
33
00:01:11,854 --> 00:01:13,899
and the hashtag "spaghetti guy"
is trending.
34
00:01:13,943 --> 00:01:15,205
- Spaghetti guy?
35
00:01:15,249 --> 00:01:16,946
I am so much more than that.
36
00:01:16,989 --> 00:01:19,079
I am a son.
I am a grandson.
37
00:01:19,122 --> 00:01:21,385
I am a father
to a virtual dolphin.
38
00:01:21,429 --> 00:01:23,083
- Jayden,
you got an extra shirt?
39
00:01:23,126 --> 00:01:24,910
- No, but this one
is reversible.
40
00:01:24,954 --> 00:01:26,173
- Okay.
41
00:01:26,216 --> 00:01:28,218
- Sir, the young woman
who hit you...
42
00:01:28,262 --> 00:01:29,567
- Yeah.
Do you know that
43
00:01:29,611 --> 00:01:31,917
she was doing a YouTube
while driving?
44
00:01:31,961 --> 00:01:33,658
- Well, her name is Titi B.
45
00:01:33,702 --> 00:01:37,140
- She has 102 million Instagram
followers, even more on TikTok.
46
00:01:37,184 --> 00:01:38,576
- Why?
47
00:01:38,620 --> 00:01:40,883
So they can watch her
eat a sandwich in a car?
48
00:01:40,926 --> 00:01:42,058
- Or next to a pool.
49
00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:45,148
- And she wants to apologize
in person.
50
00:01:45,192 --> 00:01:46,802
- Hey, bear cubs.
51
00:01:46,845 --> 00:01:49,457
So I feel like v remorseful
about hitting that grandpa.
52
00:01:49,500 --> 00:01:50,936
I think he hurt his neck,
53
00:01:50,980 --> 00:01:53,417
and you know, both of
my grandfathers died, I think.
54
00:01:53,461 --> 00:01:55,332
So this is personal for me.
55
00:01:55,376 --> 00:01:57,291
Well, later today,
I'm gonna be unveiling
56
00:01:57,334 --> 00:01:59,989
a new Instagram mural
in West Hollywood.
57
00:02:00,032 --> 00:02:02,426
Grampy, please come
so I can say hashtag so sorry,
58
00:02:02,470 --> 00:02:04,646
hashtag lawyer's advice,
hashtag Arby's.
59
00:02:04,689 --> 00:02:05,690
- Perfect.
60
00:02:05,734 --> 00:02:07,127
Free press
for the space elevator
61
00:02:07,170 --> 00:02:08,650
and maybe free Arby's.
62
00:02:08,693 --> 00:02:11,696
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I go to her? She hit me.
63
00:02:11,740 --> 00:02:13,611
And I'm not a Grampy.
I'm a daddy.
64
00:02:13,655 --> 00:02:15,178
- Preaching to the gay
men's choir, sir.
65
00:02:15,222 --> 00:02:16,788
But I think we should
make time for her.
66
00:02:16,832 --> 00:02:18,225
- A photo with Titi B
67
00:02:18,268 --> 00:02:19,835
could really help
with the youth vote.
68
00:02:19,878 --> 00:02:21,184
- Oh, give me a break.
69
00:02:21,228 --> 00:02:23,012
The election is two years away.
[phone buzzes]
70
00:02:23,055 --> 00:02:25,275
Hang on. It's Orly.
71
00:02:25,319 --> 00:02:26,581
Hey, kiddo.
72
00:02:26,624 --> 00:02:28,583
- Oh, my God, daddy,
were you in an accident?
73
00:02:28,626 --> 00:02:30,628
- Yes, but I'm okay.
- With Titi B?
74
00:02:30,672 --> 00:02:33,327
What's her phone case?
We never get to see it.
75
00:02:33,370 --> 00:02:34,763
- Um, pink,
76
00:02:34,806 --> 00:02:36,330
but also diamonds.
77
00:02:36,373 --> 00:02:38,419
- Oh, my God. That's so cool.
- What is happening here?
78
00:02:38,462 --> 00:02:39,898
- You have to take me
and Ceviche with you
79
00:02:39,942 --> 00:02:40,943
when you go meet her.
80
00:02:40,986 --> 00:02:42,771
- Well, hang on.
What about school?
81
00:02:42,814 --> 00:02:44,425
- We get 51 self-care days
a year.
82
00:02:44,468 --> 00:02:47,210
And my father was just in
a car accident. I need this.
83
00:02:47,254 --> 00:02:48,733
- Wait, what did he say
about the case?
84
00:02:48,777 --> 00:02:51,083
Is it a panda like I thought?
- Please take us, please.
85
00:02:51,127 --> 00:02:52,998
'Cause you're the best dad,
please, please, please.
86
00:02:53,042 --> 00:02:55,914
- She wants to meet Titi B.
both: Yes, please.
87
00:02:55,958 --> 00:02:57,307
- 'Cause you're the best mayor.
- Please, for the youth vote,
88
00:02:57,351 --> 00:02:58,308
but also I want to know
if I'm taller than her.
89
00:02:58,352 --> 00:02:59,527
both: Please?
- Okay. All right.
90
00:02:59,570 --> 00:03:02,225
Fine. Fine. Fine.
We'll all go meet Titi B.
91
00:03:02,269 --> 00:03:03,966
[all screaming]
92
00:03:04,009 --> 00:03:06,186
- You need to fix your eyebrows.
- I have to fix my eyebrows.
93
00:03:06,229 --> 00:03:08,013
♪
94
00:03:08,057 --> 00:03:10,015
- Kwapis!
95
00:03:10,059 --> 00:03:11,408
Amazing news.
96
00:03:11,452 --> 00:03:14,498
There was a massive offshore
oil spill in Long Beach.
97
00:03:14,542 --> 00:03:15,934
It's an absolute tragedy.
98
00:03:15,978 --> 00:03:18,502
- Okay, I know what's funny
keeps changing,
99
00:03:18,546 --> 00:03:20,025
but I'm pretty sure
that smiling
100
00:03:20,069 --> 00:03:21,679
about that is incorrect.
101
00:03:21,723 --> 00:03:25,248
- Environmental disasters are
the only way we make progress.
102
00:03:25,292 --> 00:03:27,337
Calamity leads to outrage,
103
00:03:27,381 --> 00:03:28,817
which leads to calls for action.
104
00:03:28,860 --> 00:03:30,471
Flash-forward a month,
105
00:03:30,514 --> 00:03:32,777
and the governor is signing
an anti-offshore drilling bill.
106
00:03:32,821 --> 00:03:34,518
And if we can do that,
we might have a shot
107
00:03:34,562 --> 00:03:35,867
at getting Maintenance
to replace
108
00:03:35,911 --> 00:03:38,305
these crap halogen lights
with LEDs.
109
00:03:38,348 --> 00:03:41,351
I see you, jumpsuit,
and I know you hear me.
110
00:03:41,395 --> 00:03:44,528
- This is awful!
This seagull is covered in oil.
111
00:03:44,572 --> 00:03:45,877
His family won't recognize him,
112
00:03:45,921 --> 00:03:47,618
and then he'll have to go
live with crows.
113
00:03:47,662 --> 00:03:49,533
- Send me link. We'll use it.
114
00:03:49,577 --> 00:03:51,361
And then book me
on all the morning shows.
115
00:03:51,405 --> 00:03:52,667
It's a blitz, Kwapis!
116
00:03:52,710 --> 00:03:54,408
- Arpi, just a reminder,
the mayor wants everyone
117
00:03:54,451 --> 00:03:56,888
to stay on message.
Today is all space elevator.
118
00:03:56,932 --> 00:03:59,195
- Just a reminder, the deputy
mayor's a grown butt woman
119
00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:01,066
who's trying to make sure
the mayor has an Earth left
120
00:04:01,110 --> 00:04:03,025
to attach his dumb elevator to.
121
00:04:03,068 --> 00:04:04,026
Let's do this, Jayden.
122
00:04:04,069 --> 00:04:06,246
- [chuckles]
Up top.
123
00:04:06,289 --> 00:04:08,117
♪ Mountain
124
00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:09,814
♪ Up top mountain
125
00:04:09,858 --> 00:04:12,774
♪ The up-toppiest mountain
126
00:04:12,817 --> 00:04:16,299
♪ Where the bears
are in charge ♪
127
00:04:16,343 --> 00:04:18,562
♪ Up top mountain
128
00:04:18,606 --> 00:04:22,174
- No, you guys are
the real wings.
129
00:04:22,218 --> 00:04:23,915
- Oh, my God. There she is.
130
00:04:23,959 --> 00:04:26,614
Why didn't I bring Arby's
for her to sign? I'm so stupid.
131
00:04:26,657 --> 00:04:28,659
- She's even prettier in person?
132
00:04:28,703 --> 00:04:31,053
- She must use the relatable
filter on her Instagram.
133
00:04:31,096 --> 00:04:32,750
- Hey, I'm Mayor Bremer.
134
00:04:32,794 --> 00:04:34,578
- How many followers
do you have?
135
00:04:34,622 --> 00:04:36,841
- Uh,
today there are five of us.
136
00:04:36,885 --> 00:04:39,279
- This mural for verified
Insta-influences
137
00:04:39,322 --> 00:04:40,976
with a million followers
or more.
138
00:04:41,019 --> 00:04:43,457
- Uh, sir, you have 3,251.
139
00:04:43,500 --> 00:04:45,110
No, hang on.
It keeps going down.
140
00:04:45,154 --> 00:04:47,635
- Oh.
- [gasps]
141
00:04:47,678 --> 00:04:49,898
- Wait, she gets to go in?
142
00:04:49,941 --> 00:04:51,508
- That's @BabyZoey,
143
00:04:51,552 --> 00:04:53,728
and until you've reviewed
every Kinder Surprise,
144
00:04:53,771 --> 00:04:55,686
you'll put some respect
on her name.
145
00:04:55,730 --> 00:04:57,949
- Oh, man,
I don't wanna be here.
146
00:04:57,993 --> 00:04:59,647
This whole thing is so stupid.
- Yeah.
147
00:04:59,690 --> 00:05:01,649
- If those are the wings
of a dove angel,
148
00:05:01,692 --> 00:05:02,824
there should be four wings
149
00:05:02,867 --> 00:05:05,305
since it had two
before it died.
150
00:05:05,348 --> 00:05:08,873
- By that logic, human-angels
should have four legs.
151
00:05:08,917 --> 00:05:11,528
- O-M-B.
152
00:05:11,572 --> 00:05:13,400
I'm Buddhist now.
153
00:05:13,443 --> 00:05:15,140
I'm so glad you came.
154
00:05:15,184 --> 00:05:17,795
Oh, the accident really
messed up your neck.
155
00:05:17,839 --> 00:05:19,406
- Oh.
- It's all stretched out
156
00:05:19,449 --> 00:05:20,668
and wrinkly.
157
00:05:20,711 --> 00:05:22,452
My doctor can totally fix that.
158
00:05:22,496 --> 00:05:23,801
- I totally could.
159
00:05:23,845 --> 00:05:25,542
I'll make it look like
a shiny tube.
160
00:05:25,586 --> 00:05:29,459
- And my lawyer just told me
you're like the mayor?
161
00:05:29,503 --> 00:05:31,331
- I did.
I totally told her that.
162
00:05:31,374 --> 00:05:33,115
- Yes, I am the mayor,
163
00:05:33,158 --> 00:05:35,770
which means I call
my followers voters.
164
00:05:35,813 --> 00:05:38,729
My daughter really wanted
to meet you.
165
00:05:38,773 --> 00:05:40,470
- Then let's take
an apology selfie.
166
00:05:40,514 --> 00:05:42,167
- There you go.
Fun. That's good.
167
00:05:42,211 --> 00:05:43,734
- Get in there, sir.
168
00:05:43,778 --> 00:05:46,998
- Let's start with a silly one.
- Uh, okay.
169
00:05:47,042 --> 00:05:48,957
Say "cheese."
170
00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:51,220
- Say what?
- Cheese. Say cheese.
171
00:05:51,263 --> 00:05:53,831
- Dad, no! Stop.
- Cheese?
172
00:05:53,875 --> 00:05:57,008
Why would you ask me
to say "cheese"?
173
00:05:57,052 --> 00:05:59,402
[groaning]
174
00:05:59,446 --> 00:06:01,883
- Wh--what? What did I do?
175
00:06:03,319 --> 00:06:03,493
.
176
00:06:03,537 --> 00:06:05,626
- Why would you ask Titi B
to say "cheese"?
177
00:06:05,669 --> 00:06:06,888
- Because that's what you do
178
00:06:06,931 --> 00:06:08,150
when you take a picture.
179
00:06:08,193 --> 00:06:09,847
- Yeah, maybe in 1930.
180
00:06:09,891 --> 00:06:11,414
How do you not that Ch33$e
181
00:06:11,458 --> 00:06:13,416
is the
rapper/cup stacking artist
182
00:06:13,460 --> 00:06:17,377
who was dating Titi B
until he cheated on her?
183
00:06:17,420 --> 00:06:21,468
- Boom!
184
00:06:21,511 --> 00:06:22,469
New personal record.
185
00:06:22,512 --> 00:06:23,905
- He's mostly just hot.
186
00:06:23,948 --> 00:06:25,428
- How do you not know
any of that?
187
00:06:25,472 --> 00:06:28,300
- No, Ceviche.
You don't get to yell at me.
188
00:06:28,344 --> 00:06:30,215
I barely know you.
- Oh, God.
189
00:06:30,259 --> 00:06:32,783
I was afraid of this.
- Okay, Mayor Boomer.
190
00:06:32,827 --> 00:06:35,743
First, you hurt my car.
Then you hurt my heart.
191
00:06:35,786 --> 00:06:39,094
Well, obviously LA's mayor
is Team Yasmin.
192
00:06:39,137 --> 00:06:41,183
Oh, nuts. A street fair.
[screaming, crashing]
193
00:06:41,226 --> 00:06:43,881
- I'm team what?
- Yasmine Ciobanu.
194
00:06:43,925 --> 00:06:46,449
The girl Ch33$e cheated with.
God, Dad!
195
00:06:46,493 --> 00:06:48,843
- She's a model.
And a hologram.
196
00:06:48,886 --> 00:06:50,322
- Do you all hear yourselves?
197
00:06:50,366 --> 00:06:52,020
- Sir, you do not wanna
be perceived
198
00:06:52,063 --> 00:06:53,804
as team Yasmine Ciobanu.
199
00:06:53,848 --> 00:06:55,284
People hate her now.
200
00:06:55,327 --> 00:06:56,894
Almost as much
as they hate Slerv,
201
00:06:56,938 --> 00:06:59,114
the Moldovan programmer
who created her.
202
00:06:59,157 --> 00:07:01,290
- You should probably
apologize...
203
00:07:01,333 --> 00:07:03,335
is the kind of thing
Ceviche would say.
204
00:07:03,379 --> 00:07:04,641
You're not helping, Ceviche!
205
00:07:04,685 --> 00:07:08,428
- I'm not gonna apologize
for saying "cheese."
206
00:07:08,471 --> 00:07:11,474
And I'm done talking
about Titi B.
207
00:07:11,518 --> 00:07:13,041
- This is so unfair.
208
00:07:13,084 --> 00:07:16,174
I was this close to Titi B
inviting me to her rage room.
209
00:07:16,218 --> 00:07:18,046
And now I'm going back
to school.
210
00:07:18,089 --> 00:07:19,482
Are you happy?
211
00:07:19,526 --> 00:07:20,744
- Yes.
212
00:07:20,788 --> 00:07:23,051
And now who's psyched
for the real reason,
213
00:07:23,094 --> 00:07:25,009
we all woke up this morning?
214
00:07:25,053 --> 00:07:27,795
The space elevator, baby!
215
00:07:27,838 --> 00:07:32,277
Going up, going up, going--
216
00:07:32,321 --> 00:07:34,454
- Jayden, teeth check.
217
00:07:34,497 --> 00:07:36,847
- Yep. They're all there.
Good luck.
218
00:07:36,891 --> 00:07:39,023
- You don't need luck when
you've got environmental horror
219
00:07:39,067 --> 00:07:40,242
on your side.
220
00:07:40,285 --> 00:07:41,548
This stuff gets
in the water table,
221
00:07:41,591 --> 00:07:43,550
we're gonna start seeing babies
that are nothing
222
00:07:43,593 --> 00:07:45,073
but a bouquet of feet.
223
00:07:45,116 --> 00:07:46,248
And I haven't even mentioned
224
00:07:46,291 --> 00:07:48,511
how oil affects
porpoise placentas.
225
00:07:48,555 --> 00:07:52,036
Including crystalline silica,
formaldehyde,
226
00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:53,690
acetaldehyde--all the hydes.
227
00:07:53,734 --> 00:07:56,911
They permeate the microbiome
of marine life
228
00:07:56,954 --> 00:07:59,653
and move up the food chain
until even your farmers market
229
00:07:59,696 --> 00:08:02,394
moon pies are chock
full of poison.
230
00:08:02,438 --> 00:08:04,658
- I wanna go back to Tampa!
231
00:08:04,701 --> 00:08:06,007
- So, Arpi,
232
00:08:06,050 --> 00:08:09,227
it says here you're against
offshore drilling.
233
00:08:09,271 --> 00:08:11,491
Me, I like to drill,
234
00:08:11,534 --> 00:08:13,754
all night long.
235
00:08:13,797 --> 00:08:15,103
- Do you?
236
00:08:15,146 --> 00:08:16,931
Good luck with that
when benzene poisoning
237
00:08:16,974 --> 00:08:19,020
makes your testicles
look like this.
238
00:08:19,063 --> 00:08:23,851
- Oh, God, I'm gonna be sick.
239
00:08:23,894 --> 00:08:25,983
- Man, I am killing it.
240
00:08:26,027 --> 00:08:27,245
What's our next stop?
241
00:08:27,289 --> 00:08:28,769
- Actually, that's it.
We're done.
242
00:08:28,812 --> 00:08:30,597
Yay! Let's go get Arby's.
243
00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:33,425
- Nah, man, we gotta strike
while the oil's slick.
244
00:08:33,469 --> 00:08:34,775
We got six more interviews.
245
00:08:34,818 --> 00:08:36,211
- We did got.
246
00:08:36,254 --> 00:08:38,909
Their grandfathers died,
so they had to go to Tampa.
247
00:08:38,953 --> 00:08:40,302
♪
248
00:08:40,345 --> 00:08:42,086
- I can hear your heartbeat.
249
00:08:42,130 --> 00:08:43,566
You're lying to me.
What's going on?
250
00:08:43,610 --> 00:08:45,568
- Okay.
Start with a compliment.
251
00:08:45,612 --> 00:08:46,917
I like your hands today.
252
00:08:46,961 --> 00:08:48,919
You suck at interviews.
You're terrible at it.
253
00:08:48,963 --> 00:08:50,747
♪
254
00:08:50,791 --> 00:08:55,186
- Today, we break ground on not
just another office park
255
00:08:55,230 --> 00:08:56,318
or high rise.
256
00:08:56,361 --> 00:09:00,757
Today we break ground...
257
00:09:00,801 --> 00:09:03,804
on the sky.
[chuckles]
258
00:09:03,847 --> 00:09:05,719
[light applause]
259
00:09:05,762 --> 00:09:09,592
With the opening of the
Felix Universal Transit Unit
260
00:09:09,636 --> 00:09:11,681
Research Organization,
261
00:09:11,725 --> 00:09:13,640
or FUTURO,
262
00:09:13,683 --> 00:09:16,730
which is a nod to our thriving
Latinx population
263
00:09:16,773 --> 00:09:19,297
and not because
we couldn't get the E.
264
00:09:19,341 --> 00:09:23,171
Today, we are going to bring
the city of Los Angeles
265
00:09:23,214 --> 00:09:25,565
into the future.
266
00:09:25,608 --> 00:09:28,829
We're gonna build
a space elevator!
267
00:09:28,872 --> 00:09:31,396
All right, now I wanna thank
our corporate partners
268
00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:34,617
who support the Mayor's Fund
and made today possible.
269
00:09:34,661 --> 00:09:38,534
Especially my dear friend,
Sebastian Felix.
270
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,580
Everybody, yeah.
271
00:09:42,059 --> 00:09:44,845
- I believe space travel
shouldn't just be
272
00:09:44,888 --> 00:09:46,324
for the wealthy.
273
00:09:46,368 --> 00:09:49,284
It should also be for tourists
and high-risk prisoners.
274
00:09:49,327 --> 00:09:50,198
I think that--
- Okay. All right.
275
00:09:50,241 --> 00:09:51,242
Thank you, Sebastian.
276
00:09:51,286 --> 00:09:52,504
- Okay.
- Hey, well said, buddy.
277
00:09:52,548 --> 00:09:53,636
- Thank you.
- Um...
278
00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:56,160
All right.
Any questions out there?
279
00:09:56,204 --> 00:09:59,424
- Mr. Mayor, how will
you apologize to Titi B?
280
00:09:59,468 --> 00:10:02,253
Do you have the power
to give her the Lakers?
281
00:10:02,297 --> 00:10:03,864
- Thank you, TMZ.
282
00:10:03,907 --> 00:10:06,867
You know, let's keep the
questions to aerospace, okay?
283
00:10:06,910 --> 00:10:09,391
- Sir, are you also hooking up
with Yasmine Ciobanu?
284
00:10:09,434 --> 00:10:12,089
And if so, how?
She's not real, Mr. Mayor.
285
00:10:12,133 --> 00:10:15,136
- Oh, come on,
today is about tomorrow.
286
00:10:15,179 --> 00:10:16,790
There's your clickbait for you.
287
00:10:16,833 --> 00:10:19,401
- Are you aware you made
Titi B. cry the same month
288
00:10:19,444 --> 00:10:21,272
her cell phone
fell in the pool?
289
00:10:21,316 --> 00:10:23,797
- Are you boycotting Titi B.'s
shapewear line?
290
00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:25,755
Your shape says you might be.
291
00:10:25,799 --> 00:10:27,061
- Okay. Enough.
292
00:10:27,104 --> 00:10:29,106
I don't wanna hear
another word about Titi B.
293
00:10:29,150 --> 00:10:31,239
What makes her
so interesting anyway?
294
00:10:31,282 --> 00:10:33,937
She does nothing.
- Nothing?
295
00:10:33,981 --> 00:10:38,202
During COVID, she made nachos
with almost no help.
296
00:10:38,246 --> 00:10:41,205
- This city used to make things!
297
00:10:41,249 --> 00:10:43,425
Fighter jets, the Mars Rover.
298
00:10:43,468 --> 00:10:46,428
Today all we do is pump out
these internet idiots
299
00:10:46,471 --> 00:10:47,908
so they can tell our daughters
300
00:10:47,951 --> 00:10:51,215
how to show off their
thigh brow at a roof party.
301
00:10:51,259 --> 00:10:53,435
When I build
this space elevator,
302
00:10:53,478 --> 00:10:56,351
I am going to literally
look down
303
00:10:56,394 --> 00:10:58,614
on all these influencers.
304
00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:00,442
- Is that a veiled reference
to Titi B's
305
00:11:00,485 --> 00:11:02,618
well-documented struggle
with being 5'2"?
306
00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,011
- No!
307
00:11:04,054 --> 00:11:06,753
Space elevator. Come on.
308
00:11:06,796 --> 00:11:08,537
- I'm terrible, huh?
309
00:11:08,580 --> 00:11:11,322
Well, that's a hot load 'cause
I impacted those folks today.
310
00:11:11,366 --> 00:11:13,455
- Yeah, negatively.
311
00:11:13,498 --> 00:11:16,327
You made Z101's
Dr. Fart throw up.
312
00:11:16,371 --> 00:11:18,373
And I don't know what you said
to Sanchez Gomez.
313
00:11:18,416 --> 00:11:21,506
- [speaking Spanish]
314
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:29,689
- [sobbing, speaking Spanish]
315
00:11:31,603 --> 00:11:33,518
- You can't just
scare people, Arpi.
316
00:11:33,562 --> 00:11:35,607
If devastating facts
and figures made a difference,
317
00:11:35,651 --> 00:11:38,175
I would be eating
a much different diet.
318
00:11:38,219 --> 00:11:40,656
You need to help people
understand.
319
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:42,745
It's like when you're supposed
to read Hamlet for school,
320
00:11:42,789 --> 00:11:44,355
and your mom's like,
"It's okay.
321
00:11:44,399 --> 00:11:47,184
It's not that complicated.
It's basically "The Lion King."
322
00:11:47,228 --> 00:11:50,231
So you watch "The Lion King",
you get a D, and you graduate.
323
00:11:50,274 --> 00:11:52,624
- Fine. You're so smart.
324
00:11:52,668 --> 00:11:56,890
Tell me how to turn this
into "Hakuna Matata."
325
00:11:56,933 --> 00:11:59,544
- Okay, first of all, that song
has a time jump in it.
326
00:11:59,588 --> 00:12:02,243
So Timon and Pumbaa had years
to cheer up Simba.
327
00:12:02,286 --> 00:12:03,505
Second of all,
328
00:12:03,548 --> 00:12:05,942
you need to connect
with people emotionally.
329
00:12:05,986 --> 00:12:08,553
Do you remember that dish soap
commercial with the ducks?
330
00:12:08,597 --> 00:12:11,774
People need a simple way
to understand that if these
331
00:12:11,818 --> 00:12:14,690
oil spills keep happening,
we become the ducks.
332
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:16,953
- Ducks? That's your
professional opinion?
333
00:12:16,997 --> 00:12:18,912
I do ducks.
- Those commercials worked.
334
00:12:18,955 --> 00:12:21,349
I donated money
to Proctor and Gamble.
335
00:12:21,392 --> 00:12:22,698
- Good God, Kwapis.
336
00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:24,526
My only mistake today
was bringing you with me.
337
00:12:24,569 --> 00:12:26,658
- You know what?
No, I'm gonna say it.
338
00:12:26,702 --> 00:12:28,530
I can feel it coming out.
Here it comes.
339
00:12:28,573 --> 00:12:30,053
No wonder you couldn't
get on the ballot.
340
00:12:30,097 --> 00:12:31,838
It's because you needed
people's signatures,
341
00:12:31,881 --> 00:12:34,710
and not even a person with
20 pens would waste ink on you.
342
00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:37,234
Oh, my God.
What have you done, Jayden?
343
00:12:43,850 --> 00:12:45,373
- Hey, Titi Bears.
344
00:12:45,416 --> 00:12:48,419
So I'm not like political
because I don't believe in war,
345
00:12:48,463 --> 00:12:50,247
but I just heard
Mayor Boomer thinks
346
00:12:50,291 --> 00:12:52,597
I don't do anything.
Yeah, me.
347
00:12:52,641 --> 00:12:54,556
The person who demonstrated
winged eyeliner
348
00:12:54,599 --> 00:12:56,036
while getting microbladed.
349
00:12:56,079 --> 00:12:58,908
Well, let's show him
what your mama bear can do.
350
00:12:58,952 --> 00:13:02,259
It's time for the mayor
to see how big my flock is.
351
00:13:02,303 --> 00:13:03,565
- Wait, why would a bear
have a flock?
352
00:13:03,608 --> 00:13:05,436
A group of bears is a sleuth.
353
00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:07,438
- Uh, she's kind of
coming after you, sir.
354
00:13:07,482 --> 00:13:09,658
- So what?
She's gonna have her bear flock
355
00:13:09,701 --> 00:13:11,616
post mean things about me?
356
00:13:11,660 --> 00:13:14,228
"His golf game is all power,
no finesse."
357
00:13:14,271 --> 00:13:15,707
I can take it.
358
00:13:15,751 --> 00:13:18,493
Yeah.
I'm not scared of a teenager.
359
00:13:18,536 --> 00:13:22,105
- Uh, sir.
- Oh, no.
360
00:13:22,149 --> 00:13:23,628
- What's going on?
361
00:13:23,672 --> 00:13:27,023
- It's Titi B, sir.
She's showing you, her flock.
362
00:13:27,067 --> 00:13:29,765
- A group of crows is a murder.
Has she never done a crossword?
363
00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:31,811
Still, this is
a highly intimidating flex.
364
00:13:31,854 --> 00:13:35,466
- Okay, this is not safe.
My daughter's in that house.
365
00:13:35,510 --> 00:13:39,296
- Actually, sir,
she's in the tree.
366
00:13:39,340 --> 00:13:41,690
- Frowny face emoji
for Team Neil.
367
00:13:41,733 --> 00:13:44,127
- Caw! You're not my father.
368
00:13:44,171 --> 00:13:46,390
- Hashtag paid ads.
369
00:13:48,915 --> 00:13:49,089
.
370
00:13:49,132 --> 00:13:50,873
- Morning, sir.
371
00:13:50,917 --> 00:13:53,223
- Not one story about
the space elevator, Arpi.
372
00:13:53,267 --> 00:13:55,225
I told myself
I would never be this guy,
373
00:13:55,269 --> 00:13:58,228
but what is wrong
with people these days?
374
00:13:58,272 --> 00:14:00,404
- I did four hours
of interviews yesterday.
375
00:14:00,448 --> 00:14:03,930
The only thing that got
traction was a meme of Dr. Fart
376
00:14:03,973 --> 00:14:06,062
throwing up on his sidekick,
Lenny the Butt.
377
00:14:06,106 --> 00:14:09,065
- My own daughter
is Team Titi B.
378
00:14:09,109 --> 00:14:12,373
A fact she announced on a phone
paid for by Team Neil.
379
00:14:12,416 --> 00:14:15,332
- Titi B.s, baby ducks
clickbait,
380
00:14:15,376 --> 00:14:17,465
"Five Foods That Prove
You're a Pedophile."
381
00:14:17,508 --> 00:14:20,120
The world is getting
dumber and dumber, sir.
382
00:14:20,163 --> 00:14:22,470
And leading the charge
is Jayden Kwapis.
383
00:14:25,516 --> 00:14:27,605
Are those LEDs?
384
00:14:27,649 --> 00:14:30,173
Yes. Everyone looks terrible.
385
00:14:30,217 --> 00:14:32,219
So I finally wore you down,
huh, jumpsuit?
386
00:14:32,262 --> 00:14:33,960
- I didn't do this for you.
387
00:14:34,003 --> 00:14:36,919
I did it for Jayden
and his lemon bars.
388
00:14:36,963 --> 00:14:38,225
- You did this? How?
389
00:14:38,268 --> 00:14:39,922
- Well, I made the
lemon curd months ago so--
390
00:14:39,966 --> 00:14:41,271
- I mean the light.
391
00:14:41,315 --> 00:14:43,099
I've been riding them
about LEDs for ten years.
392
00:14:43,143 --> 00:14:46,189
- For starters,
he didn't call me jumpsuit.
393
00:14:46,233 --> 00:14:47,321
- See?
394
00:14:47,364 --> 00:14:49,279
You catch more flies
with honey, Arpi.
395
00:14:49,323 --> 00:14:51,629
That's why my car
has so many flies.
396
00:14:51,673 --> 00:14:52,979
You can't just yell at people--
397
00:14:53,022 --> 00:14:54,937
- You think I don't know that?
398
00:14:54,981 --> 00:14:56,939
I'm terrible at fly catching,
okay?
399
00:14:56,983 --> 00:14:58,549
I wanted yesterday
to be different.
400
00:14:58,593 --> 00:15:01,552
I even took an improv class
to prepare for it.
401
00:15:01,596 --> 00:15:03,032
I've gathered you all here
402
00:15:03,076 --> 00:15:05,252
'cause I'd like to talk
about offshore oil drilling.
403
00:15:05,295 --> 00:15:07,080
- Okay.
The suggestion was stapler.
404
00:15:07,123 --> 00:15:09,212
- I can talk policy with wonks.
405
00:15:09,256 --> 00:15:11,649
I can work a bureaucracy
like nobody's business.
406
00:15:11,693 --> 00:15:13,825
But...
407
00:15:13,869 --> 00:15:15,958
the whole common touch thing--
408
00:15:16,002 --> 00:15:17,525
you were right, Kwapis.
409
00:15:17,568 --> 00:15:20,484
It is why I couldn't get enough
signatures last election.
410
00:15:20,528 --> 00:15:22,095
Help me get on
the mayoral ballot
411
00:15:22,138 --> 00:15:24,010
in the upcoming
special election?
412
00:15:24,053 --> 00:15:25,663
Help me get on
the mayoral bal--
413
00:15:25,707 --> 00:15:28,057
You just gonna sign without
hearing what I stand for?
414
00:15:28,101 --> 00:15:30,233
What are you, an idiot?
415
00:15:30,277 --> 00:15:31,234
- Oof.
416
00:15:31,278 --> 00:15:33,367
How many did you get?
- Two.
417
00:15:33,410 --> 00:15:37,197
Mine and someone named
Anita Mann-Tohugginkiss.
418
00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:38,763
I hear it, not a real person.
419
00:15:38,807 --> 00:15:41,636
Oh, all these years,
420
00:15:41,679 --> 00:15:44,421
I've been breaking down doors,
trying to get stuff done.
421
00:15:44,465 --> 00:15:46,423
As a woman,
if I'm fun and laid-back,
422
00:15:46,467 --> 00:15:47,990
people will think
I'm a lightweight.
423
00:15:48,034 --> 00:15:50,645
So instead, I'm tough
and passionate and
424
00:15:50,688 --> 00:15:51,820
unlikable.
425
00:15:51,863 --> 00:15:53,213
- But you are likable.
426
00:15:53,256 --> 00:15:54,997
You just need to let
other people in.
427
00:15:55,041 --> 00:15:57,347
You can be likable
and still kick down doors.
428
00:15:57,391 --> 00:15:59,045
I mean,
look at the Kool-Aid Man.
429
00:15:59,088 --> 00:16:00,785
Sure, some people get mad
that he ruined their house,
430
00:16:00,829 --> 00:16:02,004
but once they see
he has Kool-Aid,
431
00:16:02,048 --> 00:16:03,919
they're like, "What wall?"
432
00:16:03,963 --> 00:16:05,877
- My way obviously
doesn't work.
433
00:16:05,921 --> 00:16:08,750
So you're in charge.
434
00:16:08,793 --> 00:16:12,014
- First rule is
don't talk about "Fight Club"
435
00:16:12,058 --> 00:16:13,407
'cause I haven't seen it yet.
436
00:16:13,450 --> 00:16:15,365
[lively music]
437
00:16:15,409 --> 00:16:18,934
- Ah. [chuckles]
Come here, you old fat ass.
438
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:20,327
Sorry.
439
00:16:20,370 --> 00:16:23,330
Playful tone only goes so far.
How you been?
440
00:16:23,373 --> 00:16:24,635
- Look, buddy,
I'll make this quick.
441
00:16:24,679 --> 00:16:26,986
I need you to end this beef
with Titi B.
442
00:16:28,596 --> 00:16:30,119
- You're kidding me.
443
00:16:30,163 --> 00:16:34,036
Sebastian Felix should not
even know who Titi B. is,
444
00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:37,518
let alone the status
of her various beeves.
445
00:16:37,561 --> 00:16:40,564
- Neil, I'm in talks to acquire
Inspire Brands
446
00:16:40,608 --> 00:16:42,262
and Inspire owns Arby's.
447
00:16:42,305 --> 00:16:44,655
Ever since they made Titi B.
their brand ambassador,
448
00:16:44,699 --> 00:16:47,702
Brisket Bacon Beef 'n Cheddar
sales are up 1200%.
449
00:16:47,745 --> 00:16:50,966
They can't kill cows, pigs,
and more cows fast enough.
450
00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:53,577
- What does that have
to do with me?
451
00:16:53,621 --> 00:16:56,058
- If you can't make nice with
her,
452
00:16:56,102 --> 00:16:59,540
we can't support
the Mayor's Fund.
453
00:16:59,583 --> 00:17:02,760
- I already announced
our space elevator.
454
00:17:02,804 --> 00:17:07,156
You would choose her
over the mayor of Los Angeles?
455
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:09,158
That's amazing.
456
00:17:09,202 --> 00:17:12,074
- Good news is, my board
convinced Inspires board
457
00:17:12,118 --> 00:17:13,423
to convince Arby's board
458
00:17:13,467 --> 00:17:17,079
to convince Titi B.
to let you apologize.
459
00:17:17,123 --> 00:17:18,689
- What choice do I have?
460
00:17:18,733 --> 00:17:19,864
She has all the power.
461
00:17:19,908 --> 00:17:22,084
Boy, capitalism so unfair.
462
00:17:22,128 --> 00:17:24,782
- I think capitalism's working.
463
00:17:24,826 --> 00:17:26,349
- Huh.
464
00:17:26,393 --> 00:17:28,438
- Okay, man,
I'm trusting you here.
465
00:17:28,482 --> 00:17:31,528
- Arpi, if I know
how to do anything,
466
00:17:31,572 --> 00:17:34,749
it's how to keep it
stupid simple.
467
00:17:34,792 --> 00:17:36,968
Now go get the chocolate syrup.
468
00:17:37,012 --> 00:17:39,493
I've got a bird to be.
469
00:17:39,536 --> 00:17:41,103
♪
470
00:17:42,539 --> 00:17:42,757
.
471
00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:44,802
- Wow.
472
00:17:44,846 --> 00:17:47,240
When I was 19,
I was living in a car
473
00:17:47,283 --> 00:17:49,894
and heading for Canada
because of Vietnam.
474
00:17:49,938 --> 00:17:51,853
- Oh, my God. I love Vietnam.
475
00:17:51,896 --> 00:17:53,420
I was, like, so tall there.
476
00:17:53,463 --> 00:17:56,118
[dog yelps]
- I am so sorry.
477
00:17:56,162 --> 00:17:58,773
The--these little white dogs
are hard to see in here.
478
00:17:58,816 --> 00:18:01,819
- So, like, what do you want?
479
00:18:01,863 --> 00:18:03,386
- Well, I want to apologize.
480
00:18:03,430 --> 00:18:05,519
Sorry I insulted you.
481
00:18:05,562 --> 00:18:07,347
I didn't understand
what it is you do,
482
00:18:07,390 --> 00:18:09,349
so I assumed you do nothing.
483
00:18:09,392 --> 00:18:11,394
- Mm.
- And I was wrong.
484
00:18:11,438 --> 00:18:12,700
- Yeah.
485
00:18:12,743 --> 00:18:14,963
'Cause I do, like, lots
486
00:18:15,006 --> 00:18:17,966
- And--and I--
and I get that now.
487
00:18:18,009 --> 00:18:19,185
See, uh,
488
00:18:19,228 --> 00:18:20,621
See, Titi, I'm--
489
00:18:20,664 --> 00:18:22,579
well, I made my money
in billboards,
490
00:18:22,623 --> 00:18:24,494
so we're actually a lot alike.
491
00:18:24,538 --> 00:18:29,717
You and I both made a fortune
telling people what to buy.
492
00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:32,241
You're like a 21st-century
billboard.
493
00:18:32,285 --> 00:18:33,460
- [chuckles]
494
00:18:33,503 --> 00:18:35,462
I'm almost a billionaire.
495
00:18:35,505 --> 00:18:38,900
I was the first woman to pose
naked on the cover of "Forbes."
496
00:18:38,943 --> 00:18:42,077
- Ah.
- So apology accepted,
497
00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:44,035
and I'm sorry for leaking
those photos of you
498
00:18:44,079 --> 00:18:45,646
wearing a t-shirt in the ocean.
499
00:18:45,689 --> 00:18:48,257
- Oh, water under the bridge,
Titi.
500
00:18:48,301 --> 00:18:50,346
You know, on the way over here,
501
00:18:50,390 --> 00:18:51,565
it occurred to me
502
00:18:51,608 --> 00:18:55,221
that you could be
a real force for good.
503
00:18:55,264 --> 00:18:57,005
- Ah! Go off, king.
504
00:18:57,048 --> 00:19:00,182
- Just imagine
what we could do together.
505
00:19:00,226 --> 00:19:03,707
With your endorsement,
we get out the youth vote,
506
00:19:03,751 --> 00:19:06,145
I get reelected
for another term,
507
00:19:06,188 --> 00:19:08,321
and LA is coco slammin'.
508
00:19:08,364 --> 00:19:09,844
- Hmm.
509
00:19:09,887 --> 00:19:13,456
- Sorry, I must have misheard
Orly in the car today.
510
00:19:13,500 --> 00:19:15,676
Uh, it could be good.
511
00:19:15,719 --> 00:19:17,765
We could have a good city.
512
00:19:17,808 --> 00:19:20,420
- You want me to endorse you?
513
00:19:20,463 --> 00:19:22,335
Okay.
514
00:19:22,378 --> 00:19:23,640
How much?
- I'm sorry?
515
00:19:23,684 --> 00:19:25,642
- Like, I'm just spitballing
without lawyers,
516
00:19:25,686 --> 00:19:27,818
but say I tweet,
"Vote Boomer Bremer."
517
00:19:27,862 --> 00:19:30,256
That's probably,
like, five-hundo-K,
518
00:19:30,299 --> 00:19:32,345
but if you want me
to get nail art of your face,
519
00:19:32,388 --> 00:19:33,868
it's more like a mil.
520
00:19:33,911 --> 00:19:35,957
- You want me to buy your vote?
521
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:38,525
Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's not how this works.
522
00:19:38,568 --> 00:19:40,483
- That's how everything works.
523
00:19:40,527 --> 00:19:42,746
Everything I do
has a price tag.
524
00:19:42,790 --> 00:19:44,531
Me and Ch33$e got
a million each
525
00:19:44,574 --> 00:19:47,273
to break up
over Cricket Wireless.
526
00:19:47,316 --> 00:19:48,883
- So you're not...
527
00:19:48,926 --> 00:19:51,320
actually interested
in doing good.
528
00:19:51,364 --> 00:19:52,452
- Good?
529
00:19:52,495 --> 00:19:55,106
I'm doing great.
530
00:19:55,150 --> 00:19:57,021
- Okay.
531
00:19:57,065 --> 00:19:58,980
Forget it. We're done here.
532
00:20:00,982 --> 00:20:03,071
- Or I keep this feud going.
533
00:20:03,114 --> 00:20:05,247
I mean, the Yasmin thing
is losing steam,
534
00:20:05,291 --> 00:20:06,944
and you're, like,
the perfect villain
535
00:20:06,988 --> 00:20:08,119
'cause no one's ever on the side
536
00:20:08,163 --> 00:20:10,209
of the old straight
white guy.
537
00:20:10,252 --> 00:20:11,427
I mean,
the most clicks I ever got
538
00:20:11,471 --> 00:20:13,777
is when James Corden
hairline-shamed me.
539
00:20:13,821 --> 00:20:15,214
- It isn't happening.
540
00:20:15,257 --> 00:20:17,433
[dog yelps]
541
00:20:17,477 --> 00:20:19,740
And get some brown dogs.
542
00:20:19,783 --> 00:20:21,698
♪
543
00:20:21,742 --> 00:20:22,743
- [huffs]
544
00:20:22,786 --> 00:20:24,092
- Have you seen this?
545
00:20:24,135 --> 00:20:26,312
Yasmin Ciobanu
liked your TikTok.
546
00:20:26,355 --> 00:20:29,097
- Angelenos covered in oil?
Duck that.
547
00:20:29,140 --> 00:20:31,621
Sign our petition
to stop offshore drilling.
548
00:20:31,665 --> 00:20:32,796
Link in bio.
549
00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:34,407
- Hashtag quack.
550
00:20:34,450 --> 00:20:37,148
- End offshore oil and
spaghetti duck are trending,
551
00:20:37,192 --> 00:20:39,107
but I lip-sync
the whole opening of
552
00:20:39,150 --> 00:20:42,284
"Emperor's New Groove"
and only get four likes?
553
00:20:42,328 --> 00:20:43,938
- You did it, Kwapis.
554
00:20:43,981 --> 00:20:45,722
You're like a dating coach
who makes me feel like
555
00:20:45,766 --> 00:20:47,681
I have a shot
with the city of LA.
556
00:20:47,724 --> 00:20:49,813
- LA is the Michael B. Jordan
of cities.
557
00:20:49,857 --> 00:20:51,337
An absolute ten.
558
00:20:51,380 --> 00:20:54,557
- You're the secret weapon
I didn't have last election.
559
00:20:54,601 --> 00:20:57,081
Jayden, I'm running for mayor.
560
00:20:57,125 --> 00:20:59,214
There's nothing
holding me back now.
561
00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:01,651
And thanks to you,
I'm the Kool-Aid Man.
562
00:21:01,695 --> 00:21:03,914
And there's no wall on earth
563
00:21:03,958 --> 00:21:06,177
that can stop
this cherry water.
564
00:21:06,221 --> 00:21:09,180
- Oh, yeah!
565
00:21:09,224 --> 00:21:11,792
- And I want you to be
my campaign manager.
566
00:21:11,835 --> 00:21:14,447
- Yes.
Yes, a thousand times, yes.
567
00:21:14,490 --> 00:21:18,320
[inspiring music]
568
00:21:18,364 --> 00:21:20,453
[ominous notes]
569
00:21:20,496 --> 00:21:23,238
Oh, but what about Daddy?
570
00:21:23,282 --> 00:21:25,284
- Good night, everybody!
- Good night!
39355
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