All language subtitles for call.me.kat.s02e17.720p.web.h264-cakes

Hey, what can I get for you?

Uh, what flavor slushies
you got?

We like blue flavor.

Well, blue is the best.

I mean, blue teeth, blue tongue.

It's not a flavor
found in nature-- just blue.

Mm-mm, all y'all are crazy.

The best flavor, red.

Red gives me brain freeze.

Red is so much colder than blue.

Oh, dude, she gets us.

Yeah, I get you!
I get young people things.

I watch Euphoria.

Although, most of the time,
I have to watch like this.

Like, "Mm."

Uh, so we'll take
two blue slushies, please.

Throw in a red one.

Brain freezes
really help me think.

Unfortunately,
we don't sell slushies.

So you'll talk about them
but you won't make them?

-Huh.
-Slush tease.

You two don't seem
like you're from around here.

That's because they're from
Thursdays at 9:30 on Fox

and streaming on Hulu.

We won a scratch-off ticket,
so we decided

to take the cash
and go on a pilgrimage.

We're putting a ten-piece bucket
on Colonel Sanders' grave.

Master of the chicken,
inventor of the spork--

guy's a legend.

(smacking)

(grunts)

Truly a visionary.

I wish more things were served
in a bucket.

-Mm.
-Oh, my God!
Billion-dollar idea!

Slushie in a bucket!

Slush bucket!

Don't even think
about stealing my idea.

Yeah, we got to patent that
when we get back to Flatch.

Wait, what's a flatch?

Uh, the town we're from.

We basically run the place.

I'm Kelly Mallet, my honor.

-And this is my coz, Shrub.
-(grunts)

Maybe you've heard of me.

I haven't.

SHRUB:
Well, if you ever want

to visit,
I can borrow Kelly's beanbag

for all of your lounging needs.

No, you can't.

Are you kidding me right now?

She's coming for the weekend.

Wait, uh, that's not happening.

Way to go, Kel.

Okay, relax,
I'll buy you a slushie.

Oh, (bleep) yeah.

Did he just get a bleep?

We don't get to do that here.

Listen, we'll be
at the liquor store parking lot

doing something sick
if you want to come through.

-I don't.
-(chuckles)

Okay. I will see you there.

Billion-dollar idea--

blue-flavored coffee.

Red would be better.

-And now you just ruined it.
-(laughs)

Hey. Kitty Kat.

Hello, Nick.

Are you here as my landlord

or just the annoying guy
from down the block?

Or as the guy
she had pity sex with twice?

Pity sex?

That's the word on the street.

Mm-hmm.

Listen, can we talk in private?

Uh, sorry.
Can't leave the counter.

The, uh... 2:37 rush
is about to come in.

Fine. Here's the deal.

I asked around. What you're
paying in rent is under market.

Yeah, well, I asked around
and no one likes you.

Classic retort from the case
of Rubber v. Glue.

"Bounce, me. Stick, you."

Anyway, starting next month,

café's rent goes up 40%.

What? Is that even legal?

-Scuse me.
-Yeah, my lawyer
looked through your lease.

He said I could do whatever I
want. I was cutting you a break.

40% is cutting me a break?

I'm sorry,
could I just get a nonfat latte?

Not right now!

How can you even do this?

Look, I'm sorry.
It's not personal--

it's just business.

So, on the first of the month,
you'll owe me...

Yeah, I was a math professor.

I can do 40% in my head.

(muttering):
Carry the five.

Um, do we...

Well, while you're crunching
the numbers there,

you can also tack on 40%
for your apartment.

Seriously?

Again, it's not personal.

Yeah, well, neither is this.

You are
an absolute (bleeping) head

(bleep) wipe.

Guess we do get to do that here.

♪ Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪

♪ Nothin' wrong with you
but I'd rather be me. ♪

Hey, everyone,
I'm running some numbers.

I'm trying to cut back on costs.

How do y'all feel
about one-ply toilet paper?

I will kindly ask that you
never speak of its existence

in my presence again.

Okay, well, add that
to the long list of things

that Phil doesn't like,

along with Spider-Man,
the musical,

and pants
that unzip into shorts.

You don't like zip-away pants?

You're ready for everything.

"Nice to meet you,
Mr. President.

"Oh, would I like
to play basketball?

"Yes! Of course!

I'm already ready."

Zip. Zip.

How 'bout this?
Phil, could you make muffins

with frozen blueberries
instead of fresh?

Could you take your mouth
and shut it?

Carter, can I talk to you
outside for a minute?

Sure.

Okay, so you know
that Nick bought my building,

-raised my rent.
-Yeah.

That guy's name
should be Dick Move.

(chuckles):
Yeah.

So what you gonna do?

(sighs) Well,
I was hoping you could help me.

Oh. I got you.

I know a guy.

No, that-that's
not what I meant.

Yeah, of course it's not.

No, I don't want you
threatening Nick

-or anything like that.
-Yeah, yeah, sure.

We good.

No, no, no. That-That's
really not what I want.

And that's exactly what
you should say

if there's any questions.

Can you stop texting whoever
you're texting? I just want

to know what you would do
in my situation.

Oh. Got you.

Hey, I-I'll clear things up
with Freddie later.

Don't worry.
He's kind of a procrastinator.

Look, I'm-I'm trying
to reduce costs,

I'm raising prices,
but it's just not enough.

Maybe I should cancel
my health insurance.

I'll be okay.
I come from hearty stock.

Mm. Didn't your dad die young?

Yeah, but I'm hoping
I get my mom's genes.

She'll outlive us all.
When the machines take over,

she'll be the last human alive,

asking some robot
to help her with her email.

Look, my biggest expense
is staff.

And bathroom repairs.

I mean, I don't know
what you women do in there,

but y'all can wreck a bathroom.

I can't cut back on staff.

I've only got Phil and Randi.

And they both serve
critical roles

in the functioning
of this business.

-That's a wellness activity.
-Mm-hmm.

And it's really good
for staff morale.

This is where it gets tough
to be the boss.

You got to make
the hard decisions.

And since Randi's my boo,

the hard decision is Phil.

No, that's not happening.

I'll think of something else.

-(phone chimes)
-(sighs)

Uh-oh.

Freddie and his boys
are rolling.

I got to go.

Come on. There's got to be
some superpower you'd want.

Invisibility?

Oh, please. Why would I want to
deprive people of all of this?

(chuckles)

What about you?

I would like the ability
to make waffles in an instant.

(laughs) So, wait, so, wait,
you'd be Waffle Man?

Okay. So hear me out.

Frozen ones
are a disappointment,

and-and waffles from scratch
take too long.

So if I could have
the perfect waffle anytime,

whenever I wanted it,

I think my life
would be complete.

-I can get behind that.
-(chuckles)

Drunk late-night partygoers,
have no fear.

Waffle Man is here!

He took that from me,

Pancake Girl!

You're both so cute.

And so white.

-Mwah.
-Mwah.

So, how was your day?

Big news. I'm playing piano

for this fundraising event
on Saturday.

Guess who's headlining.
Robin Thicke.

(gasps)
Robin Thicke. He's awesome.

And he has the best hair
I've ever seen.

(gasps)
Excuse me?

I said what I said.

But how cool would it be
if you got to meet him

and play him one of your songs?

Ooh, and I just wrote a new one

about growing up without a dad.

Sounds like a real banger.

Do you think
you could get me in?

My badge says
"musician number three."

What do you think?

Okay, well, then I guess
I'll just have to sneak in.

Please, you're a heavy-footed,
loud-talking fool.

He is.

-He's handsome Frankenstein.
-(chuckling)

Well, then this is a job

-for...
-No.
-Stop.

...Waffle Man!

I will just have
to sneak in syrup-titiously.

Aw, where's Kat
when you need her?

Hey, team. Y'all remember my
young friends Kelly and Shrub.

We slushed it up.

Brain freeze!

-Aw! Lucky!
-Aah!

What is happening?

What's happening is
they didn't bring us slushies.

That's what's happening.

Sup, girl?

"Sup" is not a word.

I'm a grown-ass woman. And nope.

Third time today. Roasted.

Hey. Shooters got to shoot.

You know how it is.

-(chuckles) Hells to the yeah,
I know how it is.
-Uh-huh.

It's arduous out there
for a player, am I right?

Why don't y'all go upstairs?

I'll be right up
to show you around.

Uh, do you have a microwave?

-Yeah.
-KELLY: Sweet!

Pizza pockets all day!

-All day!
-All day!

Wait, you didn't adopt them,
did you?

No, they're just renting
my place while they're in town.

And where'd you get that,
the Bad Idea Hall of Fame?

It's all part of the plan.

Renting out my apartment,
tutoring some kids in math.

Make a little extra cash,
the ole Ben Franklins.

By the way, can we get that guy
his own musical?

Where are you gonna stay?

Don't worry.
I've got it all figured out.

(rapid, loud footfalls)

Um, sweet jams.

Uh, do you have any
without cats?

Same question but for underwear.

You know she's gonna put
your drawers on, right?

Thank you for letting me stay
with you, Mother.

Of course, sweetheart.
You're always welcome.

It's not permanent, right?

We both know,
if that were the case,

we'd end up on Dateline.

It's just temporary

till I can get my life
back together.

Oh, dear God. Mm.

Uh, well, just sign here.

What is this?

It's a standard agreement.

It protects you as much
as it protects me, dear.

"Mother's bedroom is off-limits.

-"Tenants are on their own
for breakfast.
-Mm-hmm.

$20-a-day resort fee"?

Well, it includes Internet

and access
to the fitness center.

-You sure you don't want
a security deposit as well?
-No.

I know you're tight on cash
right now.

I'll just take any damages out
of my will.

-Hi there.
-Oh! Not again.

Well, you're...

better-looking
than most of my male groupies,

I'll give you that much.

Oh. (chuckles)
I'm not a groupie.

I-- Not that you aren't
very attractive.

Uh, because you are. Even-even
better in person, by the way.

Those eyes-- wow.

Thank you. So what'll it be?

You want the selfie,
the autograph

or a strand of my hair?

What?

Well, you can't have all three,
brother.

Unless you pay the 99 bucks

-for the VIP Fan Club Package.
-Oh. (laughs)

Right. Right.
(chuckles)

I-I'm not here for any of that.

Uh, uh, my name is Max Kingbird
and I'm a huge fan.

And... whew,
I'm also a songwriter.

And I'd like to play something
that I think

would be perfect for you.

And... (clears throat)
But... (clearing throat)

First, do you think
I could grab some water?

I'm a little nervous.
I get dry mouth. (grunts)

Not a big sweater,
except for my feet.

My shoes are like
hot tubs right now.

That was dumb.

This song's not about
any of this.

Listen, man,
I'd love to hear it,

but I got a show to do
in five minutes.

Perfect.
My song's four and a half.

Why don't you leave a demo,
and I'm gonna go get ready.

-Okay.
-All right?

-Sure. Yeah.
-Okay.

-All right, thanks a lot,
brother.
-Here it is. It's right here.

-Thank you.
-(door closes)

Next to the brie.

♪ ♪

ROBIN:
Aw, are you serious?!

I figure I'll never be alone
with you again, Robin Thicke.

♪ I look around
and something's different ♪

♪ Same old place that
I've always lived in ♪

♪ But the walls seem
a little bit crooked now ♪

♪ 'Cause you're not with me ♪

♪ Walk through the park
we played in ♪

♪ Everyone could see
there's something missing ♪

♪ Even the birds have
stopped their whistling now ♪

♪ They know I miss you ♪

♪ And then I call your name ♪

♪ And I look around ♪

♪ And you're not there. ♪

All right, pal,
you can't be in here.

You called security on me.

Well, you did break in
to my dressing room.

You are correct.

I like the song, though.

Oh, my God, you do?

He likes the song.
He likes my song.

He likes my song.
Robin Thicke likes my song.

Mm-hmm.

I've found that strolling helps
keep my stress levels down.

Really, Katharine,
no incline?

-So does locking the door.
-(beeping)

At least speed things up.

Remember, sweat is failure
leaving the body.

Oh, also, Max is here.

What?! Oh!

-Oh!
-Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
I'm-I'm fine.

How do you get off a treadmill?

Uh, door open? Closed?
Not sure what to do.

Katharine's never had
a boy in here.

Closed, with you on
the other side of it.

(sighs) Welcome to
the seventh circle of hell.

I figured as much, that's why
I come bearing whiskey.

Oh. Well, that'll get me
through the night.

Can you bring more tomorrow?

What's going on with you?

Me? Uh, nothing much. I just...

Oh, wow, that's a lot
of diaries.

Yeah. That's just
freshman year of college.

Oh, freshman year of college.

Is there anything about me
in here?

What? No.
No! No! No! No! Give it!

Geez.

Oh.

-This is my dad's
graduation card for me.
-Aw.

"To my best gal-a-dictorian,
I'm so proud of you.

"I'll be at the ceremony
cheering

magna cum loudest of all."
(laughs)

Apple, tree.

I wish I was that good.

"Can't wait to see what
the future holds for my kitten.

"I love you, Dad. P.S.

"Forgot to do the rap
I wrote at breakfast.

Expect to hear it
at your party."

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Notorious D.A.D.

Mo study, less problems.

That's why we have
those journals.

I'm not giving my dad
much to be proud of

these days, am I?

Stop.

Sure, you fall, but you always
pick yourself back up.

I know this because
you fall a lot.

When I was little, they sent me
to a specialist.

SHEILA:
Two grand to be
diagnosed with "clumsy."

And that's why I still journal.

Listen, you gotta
cut yourself some slack.

You're just going through
some stuff.

You'll get out the other side.

How are you so sure?

Because you're Kat Silver,
and your superpower is

that you're you.

Thank you.

SHEILA:
You guys need a condom?

(both laugh)

Okay, so, Kiera,
how would you factor

four-X squared plus four-X-Y
plus Y-squared?

I wouldn't.

All right, why don't we
put the phone down

for a minute and focus
on your homework.

'Cause I bet if
factoring polynomials

had an Instagram page,
you'd like it.

Have you ever been married?

That's not really relevant
to algebra.

So no.

I'll have you know
I was engaged.

It just didn't work out.

Was it because you're a cat lady
or a math nerd?

Okay, I think that's
enough for today.

But my mom paid for an hour.
It's only been 52 minutes.

Oh, now you care about math?

You're right, I don't.

And by the way, would a nerd

be elected guest princess
at the jousting tournament

at the Renaissance Faire?
Methinks not!

If you think you won that,
methinks not.

I do not envy you having
to deal with kids these days.

They have
the attention span of...

-(phone chirps)
-Oh, look, I'm getting a text.

You know, I think
it's gonna be fine.

I'm starting to feel like
I have a way out of this.

You know? My tutoring clients
will bring in

about 400 bucks a month.

(loud creaking)

What's that?

It sounds like Mama's stomach

the last 20 minutes of church.

-(water splashing)
-What the...

Uh-uh, I just got my hair done.

Call me when it's over.

(loud creaking)

Sup, 502?

-That tub turned itself on.
-Go!

SHRUB:
Go, go, go, go!

Where am I gonna find the money
to pay for all this?

I know, I know.
I have to fire Phil.

If you need it, I've got
a few bucks tucked away.

Dollywood will still
be spectacular next year.

Oh, you're so sweet.

Why is he so sweet?

It's like firing Santa Claus
and the Easter Bunny

smushed together and squeezed
into boys size-12 pants.

Phil, can we have a chat?

Surely, girly.

Um, we need to talk about
your job.

Oh, it's not a job when you're
doing what you love.

It's just that, um...

Whew, gosh, how do I say this
without you hating me?

I could never hate you.

Besides, hate is just love
that needs a hug.

Oh, you're so folksy.

Well, I'm no folksier than a pig
wearing suspenders to church.

Okay, I don't get that one.

But, um, here's the thing.

I can't afford two employees.

And I think you know
where this is headed.

I do. Poor Randi.

Actually, Phil, I'm gonna
have to let you go.

Oh.

I'm so sorry. It's the last
thing I want to do.

It is just so much cheaper
to buy pastries wholesale.

Please don't be mad.

Oh, I'm not mad.
I am furious!

Oh, well, is furious just
happiness that needs a hug?

I spend all day in that hot
sardine can of a kitchen!

All right, this is good.
Just get it all out.

Getting up at 4:00
in the blessed morning

to listen to you yammer on
about Max this, Oscar that.

"Oops, I slept with Nick!"

Okay, that's getting
a little personal.

And then this is
the thanks I get?

Good luck keeping this place
afloat without me!

I just have one thing
left to say.

I hate cats!

-I already miss Phil.
-Me, too.

He used to challenge me
to tickle fights,

and I always said no.

Shoulda, coulda, woulda.

(phone vibrating)

Hey, this is Max.

No more gossiping about
customers with Phil.

No more roasting your outfits.

That was more you than him.

Well, sometimes I gotta
give him one

so I wouldn't come off too mean.

Obviously, I keep the best ones
for myself.

-Like this skirt...
-Yes, we all miss Phil.

Y'all know
Phil's not dead, right?

I mean, he's still our friend.

-Even mine?
-Oh, hell no.

I-I can't believe it.
This is amazing.

Yeah. Great.
Okay, thanks again.

That sounded like good news.

No, it's no big deal.

It's just the singer
I met the other night.

-What singer?
-Robin Thicke.

Oh, so he decided
not to press charges.

That's a load off, huh?

Robin Thicke? That's my favorite
judge on Masked Singer.

Super-hot Robin Thicke?

Super-hot what now?

Come on, baby, you know
he can pump up the tires,

but you the only one
that get to ride the bike.

(laughs)

I played him my song
and he maybe...

wants to record it.
I don't know, whatever.

-Oh, my God!
-What?!

Why would you
keep this a secret?

I mean, you call me excited
when you open

a shell with three peanuts.

Well, I mean, first of all,

that's awesome,
'cause, you know...

-Bonus peanut, but...
-Bonus peanut.

I feel weird
taking a victory lap

when you're going through
such a hard time.

No, you should never be afraid
to share with me,

even if I'm having a hard time.

We share everything.

Like Robin Thicke's
phone number.

Gimme, gimme, gimme...

It's been ten minutes.
Can I get that coffee?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oops, I spilled it.

Hey, Randi,
when you get a chance,

one of the cats missed
the litter box

and took a giant steaming Nick
on the floor.

Okay, very adult.

Oh, I'll just go get
the Nick scooper.

-Hmm.
-What?

This isn't very good.

Are you kidding me?

I'm just saying,
the old ones were better.

Do you want to know why
the old ones were better, Nick?

The old ones were made by Phil.

Phil makes his with love.
These are made

in some industrial kitchen
in Pittsburgh

with an acceptable percentage of
bug parts, according to the FDA.

Okay, settle down.

Settle down? You want me
to settle down?

I have a café to run.
I have cats to find homes for,

smug tweens to teach math to
against their will.

I mean, Nick,
you came into my life and you

essentially ruined it!

You raised my rent, I had
to fire one of my best friends!

This, this is your fault!

It is all your fault!
And I hate that--

(wheezing)

(gasps)
Kat?

Help, I need help.

This is not a bit.

I don't want the cats to worry.

Just tell them Mommy's gone
to live on a farm.

Stop it, you're gonna be fine.

-You don't know that.
-(stammers)

What the hell is wrong with you?

I'm bad in an emergency.

It's better
you find that out now.

All right, we'll meet you
at the hospital.

Oh, sweet baby Jesus!

Kat, I am so sorry!

When I made that voodoo doll,
I did not expect it to work.

Make one for Nick,
and we're even.

I will.

Well, hello.

♪ ♪

♪ I want to get you dancing ♪

♪ I want to see you move ♪

♪ I've waited so long,
just ask me ♪

♪ Do anything for you ♪

♪ I want to see you move ♪

♪ I want
to see you move. ♪

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