All language subtitles for The.Thief.His.Wife.and.the.Canoe.S01E02.1080p.STV.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-BTN

I'm going to fake my death.

We'll be able to claim
the life insurance.

Don't let me down, now.

Police, please.

I think my husband
might be missing.

Or you could just tell the boys.

If it ever goes tits up, they'd
be implicated, wouldn't they?

He's gonna be fine.
No, sweetheart.

I think we've lost
him. I really do.

I'm afraid they are now
calling the search off, Anne.

Where is the last place anyone
would ever think of looking?

Next bloody door!

To be honest with you, Anne, this is
pretty much case closed for us now.

John!

For heaven's sake,
someone will see you!

See who?

I'm dead.

Right, come on, Dobbin.
Shake a leg, work to do.

We'll start with Mutual Assured.

I think you'll find they owe me
136,000 of your Earth pounds.

And you will go out through
number four, won't you?

Obviously.

And don't let them
give you any nonsense.

They owe us, fair and square.

PHONE RINGS

'Good morning, Assured
Mutual. How can I help you?'

Oh, hello, could you tell
me who I need to speak to

about making a life
insurance claim, please?

'Er, hold the line, please.

'I'll just put you through
to the relevant department.'

Sadly, no, they've not found
his body yet, I'm afraid.

'Right. Erm, sorry, would
you mind holding again?'

Yes, I'll hold.

What do you mean, "They
need to discuss it"?

Just that.

No-body claims have their
own rules, apparently.

It's all quite complicated,
so they need to discuss it.

I knew this would happen.

You've let them bully you, Anne.

This was nothing to
do with being bullied.

These are simply their rules.

You can't be trusted. I
should have done it myself.

Oh, my God, I wish you
had bloody drowned.

I beg your pardon?

You are so selfish. Me, selfish?

You literally never think about
what this is like for me, do you?

What it's like to be terrified of
every single knock on the door.

Wondering if it's
the bailiffs again,

or another well-wisher wanting
to give me a hug I don't deserve.

Or the police saying,
"We know what you did."

All you ever say is, "The
worst is over, love."

Well, it might be for
you, but let me tell you

it is most certainly not for me.

On an hourly basis,
John. On an hourly basis,

I am still having to
lie to my parents,

to strangers and to our sons.

So for me, every day is
still utterly, utterly awful!

Well, I'm sorry I'm not
actually dead, Anne.

I'm sure you would love to have all
that insurance money to yourself.

Ring Mutual Assured

and tell them you want a
proper meeting, face to face.

And don't take no for an answer.

And remember the boys
are coming tonight.

So pick up your dirty
washing, please.

And put the toilet seat down.

All I'm saying is, you read about
people, don't you, in the papers?

People who've had a stroke or
banged their head or something,

and got amnesia, and they end up...
I dunno, living on the streets

or in some hostel or wherever, and
then they just suddenly turn up,

however many months later, not
knowing what the hell happened.

They found his canoe,
though, Ant, all smashed up.

Well, exactly, that's
what I'm saying.

What if it was smashed up because
it got hit by a bigger boat

and... Dad had a
head injury, but,

but managed to swim to shore?

Well, it's certainly possible.

And we should never give
up hope, should we, Mam?

See you in the morning.
I'll see you in the morning.

Right. Night, mate.

Night, darling. Night, darling.

Love you, Mam. I love you, too.

Sleep well, all
right? Get some rest.

You sleep well, too.

'Your move, John boy.'

Someone

has been a very
naughty lady dragon,

and is going to be punished

with a smacked bottom.

And so, what I am here today
to tell you, Mrs Darwin...

DOORBELL

is that, unfortunately,

Mutual Assured is not
currently in a position

to be able to pay out on
your husband's policy.

Oh. Right.

I'm sorry if that comes
as a bit of a shock.

It does a bit,
yes. Can I ask why?

The problem is that you
have no death certificate.

But the police found
his smashed-up canoe,

they've closed the case.

As far as they're concerned,
he is definitely dead.

And I don't doubt it.

But as far as the
coroner is concerned,

he can't be declared dead until the
requisite period of time has passed.

Oh.

Once that period has passed,

and he is then able
to hold an inquest

and thus issue a certificate

then, of course, we'll be
delighted to hon our the claim.

Right. And how long
might that be, then,

that requisite period,
in a no-body case,

how long would normally that be?

Roughly.

The standard time, in a
case like this, Mrs Darwin,

the usual period is seven years.

I'm sorry? Give or take.

Right. We had no idea.

I mean, my boys and I. We
had absolutely no... Seven?

Oh, Lord.

I'm so sorry.

Er... afraid I have
another meeting.

Oh. Yes. Of course.
I'll see you out.

One last thing I should add.

If you do let the premiums
lapse during those seven years,

then the policy would
become void, I'm afraid,

with no payment due at all.

Death certificate or no.

Right.

Well, good day to
you, Mrs Darwin.

And once again, my sincere
condolences on your loss.

JOHN SCREAMS

You know what?

It's actually very simple.

What we need... What
you need to do...

Me? You need to utilise
the sympathy factor.

The what? People
feel sorry for you.

You said it last week, they think
it's awful what you've been through.

It is awful. So we
need to exploit that.

We need to use your
pain and misery

and the boys' grief
to get what we need.

So...

So you go to them, the police,

and you tell them how
completely impossible it is

for you to move
on, to get closure,

because you will never, ever
truly accept that I am dead,

until you have a death
certificate in your hand.

John... And then you plead
with them, you beg them, Anne.

Oh, you sob and you cry,

and you beg them to persuade
the coroner to hold an inquest.

And not in seven years.

No, not in five, four,
three, two, one, but now.

Right now. In fact, you insist.

Because it is your right.

You want me to exploit people's
genuine sympathy for your benefit?

Well, obviously don't put
it like that, but yes.

And actually,

it's for our benefit.

That's nit picking,
I know, but still.

Every time I think you can't
sink any lower, you surprise me.

No, John, I will not
do it. I will not.

Anne... You won't
persuade me this time.

No. I won't. Just no.

So... you expect me to just
sit in that stinking room

for the next seven
years, do you?

I don't expect anything
of you, John. Nothing.

Well, maybe I will
turn myself in, then.

Maybe I'll turn myself in,
and tell them everything.

I wonder how long we'll get.

It's a white collar
crime, but still,

be a few years, I'd imagine.

And you'd probably
miss Anthony's wedding.

BELL RINGS

Hello. How can I help
you? Good afternoon.

I'm here to collect a
duplicate birth certificate

in the name of John Jones,
please. John Jones. OK.

The problem is, the only person
who can permit the coroner

to expedite an inquest is
the actual Home Secretary.

The thing is, June...

I just don't know
how we can move on.

My boys and I

without a body, or a certificate

with nothing to hold on to,

I just don't know how we
can ever truly... move on.

I will call him again.

Yes! She just said
she'd call him again.

I know, but I feel
it, Anne, I do,

in my bones, that
we'll get there.

And now we have this...

That means I can
get a new passport,

and then we're flying,
love. Literally.

We're flying off to live
somewhere warm and beautiful.

Away from all this endless
bloody cold and rain.

And people wanting to stop you
making something of yourself.

And we can start again.

Just the two of us.

Go back to how it used to be.

When we used to laugh
and... have hopes.

And were happy.

No?

And I am sorry, love,

that it's taken so much
longer than we thought.

And I do appreciate
everything you've done.

But I do also genuinely feel

that things are going to
start to get easier now.

I really do.

SHE CHUCKLES

'Except it wasn't nearly over.

'The days of waiting
turned to weeks,

'which turned to months, which
turned to bleak midwinter.

'And when I wasn't
terrified of being found out

'by the insurance
companies...' BANGING.

'..I was still having to
deal with the bailiffs.'

BANGING

Are you in there, Mrs Darwin?
Can you come to the door, please?

'So whilst we waited for an
answer from the coroner...

'I spent my days trying
to fend off the banks.

'As John applied for a new
passport with his fake identity,

'and started searching the world
for somewhere we could live.

'And then it was
Christmas again.'

Hello! Hiya, Mam. Hiya.

How are you? All
right. How are you?

You all right?

CRACKERS SNAP
There you are, Mam.

ALL CHATTER

OK... "What do you give
a dog for Christmas?"

I don't know, what do you
give a dog for Christmas?

"A mobile bone."

Oh. A mobile bone. THEY CHUCKLE.

Do you want a top-up, Grandad?

Oh, yeah.

Er, "Why did the
pony have to gargle?"

MUFFLED: "Why did the
pony have to gargle?"

Why? Erm... dunno.

Because it was a little
"horse". It was a little horse.

Come on, we had
that one last year.

Looks really good, Mam.

To Dad. Aye.

To John. To Dad. To John.

To my boy.

We drove past Butler's
Hill on the way up,

and the snow was
starting to fall,

and it reminded me of that
sledge we built with Dad.

Yeah. Erm... Snow Rider.

Yeah!

How long did we
spend making that?

A year? And it lasted
one go. MUFFLED LAUGHTER.

No, no, I don't have
children. Not really my thing.

And after the cancer
took Anne, I guess...

I'm looking for the
next big adventure.

Professional and personal.

'Right. Sure. I mean...

'You ever thought of
investing out here?'

That's so funny.

Well, I think I told you
about my affinity with horses.

Well, it's almost a spiritual
thing, really and...

Mince pie? Yes, thank you, love.

Please.

How is everyone?

All gone now.

The boys had to visit Lou
and Flick's families. Right.

You could go too, John.

I'm sorry? You could go.

Have the life you
seem to really want.

This is the life I
really want, with you.

Is it? Yes, of course.

Happy Christmas.

It's just a bit of
fun. It's just a game.

It doesn't mean anything,
it's just a game.

'And then, finally, in February,

'John got the news
he'd been waiting for.'

'When he first went missing,
I stayed up all night.

'I didn't go to bed for days.'

It was a nightmare.

And it's still going on.

I feel very much in limbo.

People die, they have a funeral,

they have a headstone.

There's something to mark the
fact they existed on this earth.

But... without a body

I don't know how we
can mark John's life.

It's the same for the boys.

They need help to move on.

There was no indication, from
our extensive investigation,

that Mr Darwin could have staged
his disappearance in any way.

What we do know, however,

is that the canoe was barely
watertight, let alone seaworthy,

so we believe the most likely
scenario is the vessel sank,

and Mr Darwin was carried
into the shipping lanes

by the treacherous currents
off North Gare beach,

where we believe he
very sadly drowned,

with his body almost certainly
then being swept out to sea.

Sadly, we will probably never know
for sure what happened that day,

which is no comfort
to the family,

'but is why I can now
record an open verdict,

'and declare John Ronald
Darwin missing, presumed dead.

'I very much hope you will
now have an opportunity

'to move on with your lives.'

ANNE: 'Over the next few
months, we received cheques

'for nearly a quarter
of a million pounds.

'Which meant we could pay
off the global mortgage

'and finally start
selling the rental houses.

'All 12 of them.

'Two months after the inquest,
his new passport arrived.

'It was all going to his plan.

'What could possibly go wrong?'

What the fuck?!

CAR HORNS BLARE

JUNE: 'Swore blind it was him.

'Worked with him at Holme House
Prison, he said. Alan Hudson.'

I remember Alan.

Just walking along the
promenade, he said.

I mean, no-one would like him
to be alive more than me, June.

You've not seen anyone who you
thought... looked like him?

But with a beard?
But with a beard.

I'm really sorry, no.

I mean, if I did, did
you want me to call you?

If you wouldn't mind, at least
so as we could eliminate them.

Of course, happy to
do that. Thanks, Anne.

I think it might be sensible
for me to go away for a bit.

I've been researching some business
opportunities for us in America.

And now I have my new passport,

I thought I might head
there for a week or so.

Kill two birds with
one stone, as it were.

Could you get me some cash out?

Please.

'A part of me was almost
relieved when he left.

'Almost.

'And then just two
weeks later...'

KNOCKING

KNOCKING

KNOCKING

She told me it was a
watertight investment.

Stupid tart.

How much?

Fifty. Fifty thousand pounds?

Dollars. I'm not that daft.

And what else
didn't she give you?

It was never like that.

She said she had a ranch
we could invest in.

It was just business.

Can I come through? Do what
you like, you will anyway.

'And so that was that.

'And now we settled back
into a dull routine.

'With the next two years passing
in the opposite of a blur.

'John kept searching
for his dream,

'I kept working and saw
no-one other than family.

'Very occasionally, we
would fly to another country

'to see if we could live there.

'John would lose some more
money, and then we'd fly home,

'to drink wine on our own,
waiting for something to change.

'And then, finally, one day,

'against all the odds, it did.'

THUNDER RUMBLES

It has anonymous bank accounts,

it's not obsessed
with law and order,

meaning you can
actually get stuff done.

It's Catholic - that's
one for you there,

and last but not least,
it's just beautiful.

So

what first attracted
you to the low-tax,

high-corruption country
of Panama, John Darwin?

It looks very lovely, but
it's 10,000 miles away.

Five. It's another world.

Well, like I said before,
that's exactly what we need.

A fresh start, a
brave new world.

So

what would our life be there?

Well, whatever we
wanted it to be. But...

I've been looking into

ecotourism.

So, we buy a plot of land
in a scenic spot somewhere,

near a lake or a river,
or hiking trails.

And we build some
cabins, one for us,

and others we just
rent out to tourists,

and then we start
advertising it.

Riding, swimming,
rafting. I mean

what a life that would be, Anne.

And I know that in the past,

I've sometimes bitten off
more than I could chew.

But I really think
this one is doable.

I genuinely do.

How would the boys visit?

I don't know, but they
visit here OK, don't they?

Except we'd be living
as man and wife there.

I presume?

Of course we would.

And as for the boys...

OK, so, this time,

I'm not going to pretend that
I've got all the answers yet.

But we'll work something
out, haven't we always?

No.

And if you liked the idea,
I think they'd support you.

I think they'd want
you... to be happy.

What I suggest, first up,

we just take a holiday there.

Look at some land and just...

We play it by ear.

We just

see how it feels.

What do you say?

I need to speak to the boys.

Did you not consider Alicante,
Mam, if you just wanted warm?

I also want a bit
of an adventure.

I've spent the last four years

rattling around that
great big house on my own.

Every day the same,

every day looking out
to where your father...

I just wanted a change,
a bit of sunshine.

I thought you'd
be pleased for me.

And we are, sorry.

I think we're a bit
surprised, that's all.

But it's a great idea.

And you're right,

maybe an adventure's exactly
what you need right now.

AIRPORT PA ANNOUNCEMENT

Will you stop
bloody slowing down?

What if I see somebody I know?

Love, you're acting daft.

Or I'm not coming!

It says taxi that way. OK.

This is more than
5,000 miles away.

Wait till you see the
land we're visiting.

It really is out of this world.

And this is my wife, Karina.

Karina, this is Anne and
John who I told you about.

Oh, hello. Hello.
Lovely to meet you.

So, how was your trip?
Muy bueno, gracias.

Oh, very good.

You are honorary
Panamanians already.

That's actually all
she knows. THEY LAUGH.

PHONE RINGS Oh, sorry.

So, what's the plan, Mario? OK.

So, we start first
thing tomorrow,

there are two plots we will see in
the morning, one in the afternoon,

and then we will do the same
each day, so three or four a day,

till either I wear you out,
or you find your dream.

Hopefully the latter.
Sounds good? Sounds good.

Oh, sorry, would you mind?

It's just a thing we
do with our clients.

'Aside from the initial lie,

'this was easily the
most stupid thing we did

'in those five
and a half years.'

Annie!

Shake a leg, love!

We'll be late for
the next appointment.

Can't we just buy this one?

You said that
about the last one.

And all three yesterday.

Could we actually do this, John?

Do the numbers actually work?

I think so.

I need more time to go through
them all in detail, but

my gut tells me yes.

And has my gut let us down yet?

'Over the next two weeks,
we saw dozens of plots,

'through several agents,

'each one more
beautiful than the last.

'And I can't deny,

'I slightly started
to fall in love.'

And we could do
painting classes,

maybe get in some
local artists to teach,

and cooking courses,
using local produce.

I bet we could even grow
our own vegetables... What?

Nothing.

I'd just forgotten how pretty
you are when you smile.

Be quiet.

It's true.

Well, it's been a long time
since I've felt like I could.

And maybe I'm being stupid, letting
myself get carried away with it.

You're not being stupid at all.

I mean, I'm not saying
it'll all be easy.

We've got a lot of
baggage, as they say.

And I think we have to accept
that we can't change the past,

what we've done.

But I do wonder
if here, at least,

we could live alongside it
a little more comfortably?

Not pretend it
never happened, just

let other things be
important again as well.

Like sun. And smiles.

And s... Shush!

Which is all very
well and good, John,

but we do still have
two sons back home.

And my mam and
dad. And your dad.

And every time I kid myself
there could be a way forward,

I always come back to them.
What I've done to them all.

And I get that.

But my dad's very old,

not long for this world, and

no of fence, but yours
neither, probably,

as sad though it is.

So... that leaves the boys.

And here's the thing, love.

I listen to them
when they come up,

talking round the
kitchen table with you,

I listen to them always.

And let me tell you one
thing I know for sure.

They are happy.

You've done your job.

They're going to be OK.

So don't ever lose
sight of that.

Con gusto. Gracias.

De nada.

To happiness.

To happiness.

'We went back and forth several
times over the next year,

'and in the end, bought
a lovely apartment

'in a quiet part of the
city, overlooking the sea.

'Having also found a
plot of land we liked,

'we agreed John would
stay to push that through

'whilst I went back
to Seaton Carew

'to finally sell the
two remaining houses.'

MAN: 'ADT Bank. How can I help?'

Oh, hello. I hope
you can help, please.

I want to transfer a sum of money
from my deposit account in the UK

to an American bank
in Panama. 'Certainly.

'Would you mind
holding?' Yes, I'll hold.

'And then it was time
to tell the boys.'

And starting up your own business,
Mam, in a foreign country,

you feel... confident
you can do that, do you?

Look, I know it's
a lot to take in,

but I just can't bear the
thought of giving up already,

of throwing in the
towel at the age of 54.

I might have another
30 years in me.

And I think I have the right
to try to be happy again,

to try for a new life somewhere.

Somewhere away from the past.

And obviously I'll come
back and visit regularly.

And when I've settled, you
can come out and visit me.

But you've got your
lives to lead now,

and you don't want to be worrying
about having to drive all the way up

to see me every other
weekend. That is never a...

And you haven't ever made
it feel like a chore.

But I just want
you both to be free

to start thinking about
your own families now.

So

the houses are
going on the market.

And as soon as I've found
buyers, that'll be it.

I need a big change, boys.

To be able to move on

I need to be somewhere
I can forget.

'We managed to sell
number four in mid-2007,

'and then a few months later,

'we also found a buyer
for number three.'

DOORBELL RINGS

Haven't changed your
mind, then? Sorry, no.

So...

It's all in there.

Take whatever you want, or take
nothing if it doesn't feel right.

It's entirely up to you.

I'll put the kettle on.

All right.

I still miss him. Me too.

Miss ringing him to find out
how to build something badly.

Or how not to handle
a work dispute.

LAUGHING: Oh, yeah!

All done? Yeah, all done.

Good stuff.

So can I just ask each of
you to sign those, please?

It's just some
inheritance tax stuff.

All very boring, you
don't need to read it.

Sure. No problem.

We're always at the
end of the phone.

Yeah.

Proud of you, Mam.
Go for it, all right?

Enjoy yourself.

Totally bloody nuts.

Hello.

John?

Hiya, love. Lovely to
see you. How are you?

I'm good.

I'm excellent. How
was your flight?

Yeah, fine, thanks. Let me
get you a drink. Have a seat.

And how have you
been, all on your own?

Yes. Good. Yeah.

Yes? Everything OK?

Yeah, fine.

John, can you leave
that a second?

I'll get you a glass of that
stuff you had last time.

John, what's the matter?

Prosecco, wasn't it? John.

OK.

We might have a little problem.

What sort of a little problem?

And this is absolutely
not my fault

because they only just changed
the rules a few months ago

so there was literally no
way I could know about it.

What sort of a problem?

To get permanent
resident status here now,

you have to have a signed
letter from a police force

in your country of origin,
attesting to your good character.

Which is obviously a bit tricky,

given that my character
doesn't actually exist.

So you're saying we
can't actually live here?

Not literally, no.

Oh, my God, John. I know.

How could you have missed that?

There was so much else
I had to deal with.

And you found this out when?

After I got on the plane? I
mean, when did you find this out?

Actually, a few weeks ago.

And you didn't
think to tell me?!

To maybe stop me shipping
all our possessions out here?

Yep, fair play.

I could have been a bit
more reactive there, but

to be honest, I was just so
preoccupied with the land deal.

What land deal? The
land we saw, love.

The land we agreed to buy.

I remember that land deal, John. Of
course I remember that land deal.

But you obviously
wouldn't spend $400,000

on that land deal,
if you'd just learned

you couldn't actually live
or work here, would you?

Only a mad man would
do that, wouldn't they?

It was a bargain.

No.

No.

You're frustrated,
and I get that.

It's obviously disappointing
for both of us.

But everything happens
for a reason, Anne,

and this has actually
given me room to think.

Because in truth, I'm fed up
of skulking in the shadows.

I want to be able to see the
boys again, as their dad,

and for us to live normally, out
in the open, as man and wife.

So

I'm going to fly back to the UK.

I'm going to present
myself to the police,

and I am going to tell
them I've had amnesia.

Because bottom line, love

I've had enough of being dead.

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