All language subtitles for The Kids Are All Right-English

24, 26.

SASHA: Oh, my God.

Joni, there are so many hotties
in your class.

You are so gonna hook up
the first week.

Just because you're a 24-hour drive-thru
doesn't mean everyone else has to be.

SASHA: Hey,
she worked her ass off.

She deserves
some hot jock sausage.

Gross.
That's disgusting.

Why don't you guys just do it and
get it over with?

What? I'm just saying.

Maybe because
we're friends.

CLAY: B minus
in geometry, dude.

This shit is the bomb.

Add that shit up.

Don't be
such a bitch, dude.

Yeah.

CLAY'S FATHER: Hey, ladies! Come on,
take it down a notch.

Hey! Hey!
What did I just say, huh?

Come here. Come here, big boy.
Let's see what you got.

Come on, get him!

Come on, what you got?
Let's see it. Come on.

Come on, Dad. Your pits smell
like burnt ass.

CLAY'S FATH ER:
Burnt ass? CLAY: Yeah.

Get out of here.
Take it to his house.

Laser, cut it out.
That's driving me crazy.

I'm not doing anything.
Calm down.

You calm down.

H i, guys.

Hey, babe.

Hey, Mom.
NIC: Sorry I'm late.

No, don't worry.
We just started.

Come on.
That's enough.

Oh, my God.
27 fibroids.

All in the lining.

(GROANING)
That's disgusting.

Yeah.
We're eating.

Wow. Did they do that
laparoscopically?

That's right, smart girl.
We got them all.

Hey, whose truck is that?

Mine.

Yours?

Isn't it wicked?

Mmm-hmm.

For the business.

What business?

Oh, you mean
the gardening?

Isn't it landscape design?

Thank you very much.

I got a great deal.
It was super cheap.

Okay. Do we have any
more of the Fiddlehead?

I don't know.
I didn't look, honey.

(CELL PHONE BUZZING)

Hey, what's up?
CLAY: Yo, what's up, dude?

Laser, no phone calls
at the table, all right?

Dude, I shaved my dog.

Are you still feeling it?

Yeah. Hey,
let me hit you back.

For sure.

Who's that?

That was nobody.
Just Clay.

Can I ask you something?

What do you get from your relationship
with Clay?

What do you mean "get"?

Well, we just feel like
he's a little untended.

Do you think he's the kind of person
who's gonna help you grow?

Hey, did you get started on those
thank-you notes for the birthday presents?

Mom, you're windshield wiping.
Come on.

JONI: Not yet, but I will.
NIC: Okay.

I just think it's better to knock them out
when it's fresh.

Yeah, I'll do
them tonight.

I mean, you don't want to have to start with
an apology. You know?

Then it's embarrassing.

Mom, I know.

JULES: It's okay, honey.
She got it.

Let it go.

Okay. I'll let it go.

I mean,
if it was up to you,

our kids wouldn't even write
thank-you notes.

You know, they'd just
send out good vibes.

JULES: That's not nice.

(LAUGHING)

Do you believe
our baby's 18?

No, I can't.

You big girl.

Such a big girl.

Big girl. Big girl.

Mom.
What?

Oh. Thank you.

LASER: Hey.
Hey.

What are you doing?

Writing my thank-you notes.

That's good.

You know, you don't have to start
with an apology.

Yeah, that'd
be embarrassing.

That's terrible.

Hey, have you thought any more about
making that call?

Yeah, I don't want to.

How can you not even
be curious about it?

Look, I'm leaving soon, and I don't
want to have to deal with that right now.

Also, that could really
hurt Mom's feelings.

God, why do you have to worry about
them so much?

They don't even
have to know about it.

Look, you can do it
when you turn 18, okay?

I never ask you
for anything.

I just don't understand
why you bought the truck now.

Because if I'm gonna
start this business,

I need something
to haul my equipment in.

Okay. It just seems a little
cart before the horse.

What does that mean?

Well, sweetie, you don't have
any clients yet.

You know,

you're the one who's always telling me
to act "as if. "

That's true. I do.
You're right.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
It's good you bought the truck.

It's proactive.
Yeah.

Hey, you wanna
watch a movie?

A movie-movie?

Yeah. We haven't
done that in a while.

All right.

(JULES MOANING)

(VIBRATOR BUZZING)

NIC: You know, I don't
like the guys in this one.

They're too shaved.

JULES: Don't focus on it.

Okay.

(MEN GROANING ON TV)

MAN: (ON TV)
Fuck. Oh, my God.

Hey, hey, I'm cold.

JULES: I can't
breathe, honey.

Well...

(TV VOLUME INCREASING)
Shit!

Shit!

(MEN GROANING ON TV)

Where's the remote?
Where's the remote?

(SOUND SWITCHING OFF)

Oh, my God.

The whole neighborhood
heard that.

JULES: No, they didn't.

Shit.

That was a vibe kill.

Hey, hey, Brooke,
can you do me a favor?

Can you get that
Swiss chard for me?

Sure, no problem.

Thanks.

How are you?
Hey, Paul.

Hey, foxy.

Hey.

Mmm.

Flapjack, you are
smelling ripe.

Oh, sorry.

That's all right.
I kind of like it.

Oh, yeah?
It's earthy.

I've been out
in the garden hoeing.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

How are we doing tonight?
It's gonna be tight.

Oh, really?

Go to work.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

See you.

Hello?

WEN DY: Hi.
Is this Paul Hatfield?

Yes, it is. Who's this?

My name is Wendy Mitner,
and I'm calling from The Pacific Cryobank.

Okay, Wendy Mitner.
What can I do for you?

I just need to confirm that this is the same
Paul Hatfield

that donated sperm with us
between 1991 and 1993.

Yeah, I did a little bit
of that back then, sure.

Well, as you know, the Cryobank has a
confidentiality policy

which prohibits us
from releasing your identity

without your consent.

No... Yeah, yeah,
yeah, I knew that.

Well, we've been contacted

by a young woman
conceived using your donation,

and she's asked if you'd be open to
having contact with her.

Yeah, I'd be conceivably into something
like that. Yeah.

Great, Mr. Hatfield. I'll let her know and
get back in touch soon.

Thanks.

Oh...

I mean,
I was 19 years old.

It was, like, just so long ago.
I totally forgot about it.

I never thought
they'd ever use my stuff.

TANYA: Why not?

Well, I'd use it.

Oh, baby.

It's weird.

There's a kid out there.
I mean, I'm kind of curious, I think.

Yeah?
Yeah.

So what are you gonna do?

I don't know.
What would you do?

I don't know.

You got to figure it out.

Yeah, no doubt.

All right, I got to go now.
All right.

Thanks for coming.
It was really nice.

I'll see you tomorrow.

So, drive safe.

JULES: M-E-R. "Zoomer. "

JONI: No way.

That is so not a word.

No, it totally is.

That's not a word.
If you're gonna zoom somewhere,

then you're a zoomer.
A person who zooms.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

So that would be...
Let's see, that's 31...

Hello?

PAUL: Hi.
I'm looking for Joni Allgood.

Yeah, this is she.

Hey.

(STUTTERING)
This is Paul, your donor.

Eleven points
for Mommy.

Oh! H i.

Hey. Don't be a zoomer.

PAUL: Hey.

Come back.

Is this a good time to talk?

Yeah. No,
this is great.

So, how are you?
How are you?

I'm good.
How are you?

I'm well, thanks.

Wendy at the Cryobank

was talking about maybe...

JONI: Oh, yeah. Well.

Actually, my brother
asked if I'd call you,

because I'm 18,
and he's only 15, which is,

you know, which is
too young to call.

Anyway, he'd like
to meet you.

You know,
if you want to.

Your brother?

Yeah. Well, technically
he's my half-brother.

Each of my moms had a kid,
you know, with...

With your...
With your sperm.

Like in both of them?

Yeah.

Like in two?

U h-huh. Like in gay.

Oh! Right. Right.
Right on.

Right on.
Yeah, cool. I...

I love lesbians.

Great.
So you wanna,

I don't know, get a bite to eat or
something? You and your brother?

I just don't want you
to have big expectations.

Will you quit saying that?
I have no expectations, all right?

Okay. I'm just saying.
He might be weird.

I mean, he donated sperm.
That's weird.

Well, you know, if he hadn't, we wouldn't
be here, so respect.

Hello?

Hey. Hey.

You're Joni, right?
H i, I'm Joni.

I'm Paul. N ice to meet you.
N ice to meet you.

You must be Laser?
Laser, yeah.

Right on.
That's a very cool name.

Thanks.

Well...

Cool.

Yeah. Yeah.

Listen, you know, feel free
to ask me anything, anything you want.

Cool, thanks. Yeah.
Cool.

Laser, do you have
any questions that you wanna ask?

Go ahead, shoot.
Anything.

I didn't really have any, you know,
specific questions or anything, so...

Nothing?

Not really.

Well, I mean, I'd love to know more
about you guys.

Everything. I mean...

So what do you do, Joni?
What are you into?

I just graduated high school, and I'm
starting college in the fall, so...

Hey, that's great.
Congratulations.

Thanks.

LASER: Yeah,
Joni's the brains in the family.

She's got the National
Merit Scholarship for science.

Shut the front door.

Okay, Laser, thanks.

Wow.
LASER: I'm just telling him you're smart.

No, I just work
harder than you.

Hey, Laze, seriously,
don't sweat school, man.

I mean, I didn't do well in school either,
and I'm not doing so badly now, right?

It's Laser. Yeah.

Sorry. Laser. Right.

LASER: It's cool.

So, what are you
into, Laser?

Laser's an amazing athlete.

Really? Yeah?

Did you ever play
any sports in school or...

PAUL: I did a little
B- ball in junior high.

That's cool.
Was that it or...

Well, the whole "team" thing just got
on my nerves after a while, you know?

It was like, "Hey, let's go kick some
ass, man! " And...

What about you?

I play soccer,
basketball, baseball.

You know,
all the team sort of sports.

PAUL: Hey, man,

I wasn't generally
bagging on teams.

I mean, teams are great.
I'm just weird that way.

I like teams.
They're cool.

Cool.

So this is your
place, right?

Yeah, yeah, this is mine.
It's cool.

You know,
I've been working on it for a while.

I also have a little organic co-op farm just
up the street here.

Just keeping it kind
of local and organic

and simple,
American food.

That's so cool.
I'm totally into local.

PAUL: Yeah?
You are?

Yeah, Laser.

I've been trying to get
Moms, you know, to buy local for ages.

LASER: All right.

We're just over here. There.
LASER: Right. Yeah.

Okay.

Is that your bike?

Yeah, yeah.
You like motorcycles?

Yeah, I love them,

but, you know, our moms are kind
of anti-motorcycle.

By "kind of" he means that they'd
kill us if we ever rode one, so...

Oh, that's too bad.
They're a lot of fun.

Yeah, I'm sure.

Cool.

PAUL: Cool.
JONI: Yeah.

It was great...
Great meeting you, yeah.

N ice to meet you, too.

Yeah. It's okay,
right? Good?

JONI: Yeah, for sure.

Hey, Laser,
really nice to meet you.

Yeah, you too.

PAUL: All right.
LASER: All right.

So long.

Bye.

Keep in touch.
Yeah.

Okay?
Yeah.

(INAUDIBLE)

Wow. I just never pictured him
that way, you know?

He was so cool
and interesting.

Yeah, he's all right.

What do you mean
"all right"?

Laser, you're the one
who wanted to meet him so bad.

I know.

Yeah, so what did
you think of him?

I think he's all right.

I mean, I think he's
a little into himself.

God.
What?

You're asking my opinion.
Whatever.

We are so not telling Moms.

Why not?

Ha, ha. Very funny.

He wants to die!

He wants to die.

Remind me not to take
heroin in Morocco. Or Uganda.

Yeah. I hate it
when that happens.

MAN: (ON TV)
... it is now time to call it.

Someone took my knife.
I want my knife back!

(DOOR CLOSING)

Hey, bug, come here.

We're watching
Locked Up Abroad.

MAN: (ON TV)
I want my knife back!

Yeah, I've seen
that one. It's good.

Where you going?

Clay's.

NIC: Don't be back late.

I know, I know, I know.

Hey, hey. Come give us
a hug before you go.

Hugs.
Come on.

No, Mom.

Hug her. That's what
she's there for.

Maybe we should
just sit him down and ask him already.

What? "Are you
and Clay fucking?"

"Exploring" is
a better word.

Yeah, well, so, you know,
what if they are "exploring"?

This is the age for that.

We should be
good with that.

We should. We should.

I just don't understand
why he's exploring with that loser.

We don't really know what's going on.
We shouldn't jump to conclusions.

I feel like he has so much potential.
He's just wasting it.

(SCOFFING)

What are you
trying to say?

What do you mean,
what am I trying to say?

I just, you know,
I feel like there's some subtext here.

What are you
talking about?

You know,
"like mother, like son"?

Both of us wandering in the dark,
aimless, "wasting our potential. "

Honey, you're on
a whole other tangent.

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

Well, you know, maybe it hasn't risen to
the plane of consciousness for you yet.

Yeah. Maybe.

Someone took my knife.

So what were they like?

They were
really sweet kids.

The boy was this little, you know,
kind of sensitive jock-type kid,

and the girl was
really innocent

but just whip-smart
and super, super cute.

Sounds like you really liked them,
like you guys connected.

Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I kind of did.

Wow.
So how'd you leave it?

I mean, are you
gonna see them again?

I... Hey, Brooke.

Hey, Paul.
Check these out.

PAUL: How you doing?
BROOKE: Good.

Wow, look at those
strawberries, man.

They're just...

Aren't they beautiful?

I thought you should
have the first taste.

Thank you.

"I thought you should
have the first taste" of my pussy.

(LAUGHING)
I'm sorry.

Dude, I don't even
think they smoke pot.

Dude, hold up.

(CLAY EXCLAIMING)

Come on, let's go.
Seriously.

(BUZZING)

Oh! Dude!

God, disgusting!
Come on, let's go.

It's alive, dude!

Put it back.

Fine, fine, fine.

Sweet!

Dude, we're watching this.

You think the whole
thing's like this?

LASER: Maybe...

Maybe we should
fast forward.

Laser, you left your bike
in the driveway again.

NIC: Laser, your mom and I accept and
love you unconditionally.

You know that, right?

Yeah.

Yeah. And you know that you can be
open with us about anything.

Yeah, I know.
Okay.

Laser, do you want to talk to us
about anything?

Like what?

J ust anything.

You know, anything
on your mind.

Well, there is something.
But it's more of a question, though.

That's okay.

We won't judge you.

Why do you guys
watch gay man porn?

Well, first I have to say
that we rarely watch that movie.

Honey.

And, second,
I really don't appreciate

you snooping around
our room, okay?

Was that Clay's idea?
No, Mom.

Wait a minute.
I have to say, again, I don't like him.

I know. I know.

Okay, he seems unstable.

Honey, honey,
that's not what he asked.

Do you want to answer
his question?

Yeah, okay.

Well, sweetie, you know,
human sexuality is complicated.

And sometimes desire can be,
you know, counterintuitive.

You know, for example,

because women's
sexual responsiveness is internalized,

sometimes it's exciting for us to
see responsiveness externalized,

like with a...
Like with a penis.

Wouldn't you guys just rather
watch girls doing it, though?

Well, you would think that.

But usually in these movies,
they hire two straight women to pretend,

and the inauthenticity
is just unbearable.

Whoa, that's enough.

Laser, your mom
and I sense

that there's some
other stuff going on in your life.

We just want
to be let in.

What do you mean?

Are you having a relationship
with someone?

You can tell us, honey.
We would understand and support you.

Look, I only met him once.

What do you mean once?

Did he find you online?
NIC: Wait.

What?
Wait, wait, who did you meet once?

Paul. I met him with Joni.

JULES: Paul? Who's Paul?

Why was Joni there?
She set it up.

Wait, forget the set-up.
Who's Paul?

Our sperm donor.

Did you guys think
I was gay?

No.

No way.

JULES: Of course not.

Yeah, I mean, we understand
that you'd be curious

about your biological father.

I mean,
it's completely natural.

But why didn't you tell us?

Because we knew
you'd be upset.

We're not upset!
No, no, no.

We're not. We wish that
you'd included us in the conversation.

That's all.

You know? But...
But you met him, and that's cool.

And now,
we can move on.

Actually,
I want to see him again.

You do?

Yeah, I was
gonna tell you.

Well, no. Okay?
No way.

No one's seeing anyone
until we meet him.

I get it, okay? He's their biological
father and all that crap.

But it still feels
really shitty.

Like we're not enough
or something, you know?

Of course I know.
You know, I don't...

I don't want to time-share
our kids with anybody.

Especially when it's Joni's last summer
at home.

No way.

Jesus, Jules!

The plumber was just here.
God, it's gross.

(SOFTLY) Look, we have to be
smart about this.

You know, if we act like grubby bitches,
we're just gonna make it worse.

I know.

Let's just kill him
with kindness and put it to bed.

I'm with you, honey.

We're gonna get
through this, okay?

I love you, chicken.

I love you, too, pony.

Paul. It's so great
to meet you. H i. Yeah.

Great to meet you, too.

Hey. Jules.
Hello, Jules.

I'm Nic.
Hi, Nic.

Hi.

I hope the traffic
wasn't too bad.

No, I took my motorcycle,
so I pretty much just weave through it.

Oh, great.

I brought you this.

I don't know if
you folks drink wine.

Oh, no, are you kidding?
We love it.

Wow, a Petite Sirah.
What a treat!

'86.

Yeah. I'll get some glasses.
All right.

Yeah. Wow.

Beautiful house.
Yeah, thanks. Thanks.

You guys been here
a long time?

Yeah. You know,
about 10 years.

God, has it been
that long? I mean...

That's... Yeah.
You know them, yeah.

Hey, Joni.
How you doing?

Good, how are you?
Good.

Hey, man.
Hey.

What's up, man?

You okay?

Yeah. Yeah, great.

Go easy on the wine, hon.
It's daytime.

Okay. Same goes for the micromanaging.
Okay?

So, Paul, did you
always know that...

Yes.

...that you wanted to be
in the food services industry?

I always liked food.

Oh, yeah.

No, I was asking because I remember
when I was reading your file,

back when we were
looking for,

you know, sperm...

Can I have the potato
salad, babe? Sure.

Anyway, you said that you were studying
international relations.

Oh, yeah. Wow, that was a...
That was a long time ago.

Yeah, I was considering it,
but then I dropped out of school.

You dropped
out of college?

Yeah, it just
wasn't my thing.

No? Why's that?
PAUL: I don't know.

It just seemed like a massive waste
of money after a while, you know?

I was just sitting
on my ass listening to people spout ideas.

I could just as easily
have learned in a book.

Oh.

Okay.

I'm not saying that,
you know,

I think that higher learning
uniformly blows.

You know, I think
college is great for some people.

Joni, I'm sure
you're gonna love it.

But just... I'm a doer.
That's how I learn.

It's just me.
I'm weird that way, I guess. Thank you.

Which is probably why
I'm in the food services industry.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Right.

LASER: Hey, Mom,
you see what he did there, right?

You said "food
services industry,"

so then he said
"food services industry. "

Yeah. I got that,
Laser. Thanks.

So, Paul,
what about your...

What about
your social life?

My social life?

Yeah, you know,
are you married, divorced, seeing anyone?

Mom.
NIC: What?

We're getting
to know Paul. It's okay.

No, no, it's okay. I...
No, I've never been married nor divorced.

I date sometimes,

but I'm really just
kind of focused on my restaurant right now.

NIC: Well, that's...
Yeah. Makes sense.

So, cheers.

Yeah. Cheers.

Excellent wine,
by the way.

Thank you.

How old are you again?

You must be the
griller of the family.

JULES: Yeah.

NIC: No, that's okay.

JULES: I like
to be positive.

NIC: Yeah.

So how'd you two meet?

We met at UCLA.

I was a resident,

and Jules had
an emergency.

My tongue was numb.

(LASER GROANING)

Really? Your tongue?
Laser.

Oh, my God.

It's not nice.

No, that's not nice. I mean, we've heard
that story 100, 000 times.

What happened to your tongue?
I don't know.

I mean, I lost all the feeling in my face
and my tongue.

And then, you know, I got really nervous
'cause I thought that I was gonna gag

and, you know,
maybe like...

Choke? Die?

Yeah, exactly.

What'd you do to help her?

NIC: I gave her a Valium,

and I told her to relax
and tried to get her to talk,

you know, move her tongue around.
Yeah.

Actually, she started teasing me,
and that really helped.

I was trying
to distract you.

I know. It worked.
You were really funny.

You were really pretty.

And then, you know,
my tongue started working again.

(NIC AND JULES LAUGHING)

PAUL: Sure.
LASER: God, Mom, please.

NIC: Yeah.

Wow, we've been glued
at the hip ever since.

JULES: Yeah.
PAUL: No doubt.

Yeah. Great. Great story.

Yeah, we like it.

So, Nic, you, you're a doctor,
I know that.

But what are
you into, Jules?

What do you do?

Well, you know, I mean, I studied
architecture in college.

PAUL: Right.

But I'm not
really an architect.

I mean, I was on my way
to becoming one,

but I quit before
the kids were born.

That happens.

And then when they got
a little bit older,

I started a Balinese furniture
import business.

Right on.

But that didn't
really work out.

PAUL: Yeah,
businesses aren't easy.

Yeah.

But I'm in the process
of starting a new business.

Great, good for you.
What's that?

Landscape design.
I mean, you know, not gardening.

I mean, you know,
there's a gardening component,

but, really, the real work
is in creating unique,

eco-friendly spaces
that, you know, the surrounding,

that blend, you know,
with the surrounding environment.

You know what I mean?

Definitely.

Most definitely.
Yeah.

Hey, Joni, did you
tell Paul about your graduation speech?

No, she didn't tell me.

It was so full of
wisdom and hope.

JULES: Yeah.

Hey, go get it.

You know, I bet Paul
would like to hear it.

No, Mom,
I'm sure he wouldn't.

NIC: No, no, no,
sure he would.

Go on, go get it.

No, I don't want to.

Sweetie,
don't be embarrassed.

Mom, I'm not embarrassed.
Jesus, give it a rest. J ust let it go.

I'm gonna get
some ice cream.

I'll help.
Okay.

Honey, it's your
fourth glass.

Actually, it's my third.
But, you know, thanks for counting.

Hey, I was...
You know, I was thinking.

I just bought this place
last year, and it's...

I mean,
the backyard's a wreck.

Would you be interested in maybe
coming and doing some work for me?

That's okay.

PAUL: No, seriously.
I can't...

I don't have time
to do it myself and...

Well, I mean,
that's really sweet of you,

but you should think
about it, you know.

PAUL: No, why?
I just did.

I mean, it's all right
if you're not up for it. It's okay.

No, I am.
I'm up for it. Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah?
Hey...

PAUL: All right.

Okay.

PAUL: Great.

Excellent.

Right on.
Yeah.

I'm just saying,
the plan was to limit his involvement.

You're unbelievable.
I mean, you're all about me getting clients.

And then I get a client,
and you're like, "Oh, no, not him. "

Yeah. But he's not
just a client, Jules.

He's our sperm donor.

I mean, haven't you heard the expression
"don't shit where you eat"?

Yes, and I think
it's disgusting.

Okay, I'm sorry. Look, he just seemed
so self-satisfied to me.

You know?

Yeah, he was working
the "alternative" thing pretty hard.

Oh, my God.
When he said that thing about,

"Oh, I just need to get outside and do
things, not sit on my ass and learn.

"But that's just me, you know.
I'm weird that way. "

(SIGHING)

I'd certainly clean up a lot of this grass.
It's pretty... It's wasted.

Sure.

The lavender
is so nice.

And with the sun that
you have, that and, like, that rosemary,

which kind of grow everywhere,
and you wouldn't even have

to think about it.
Yeah.

You could go like a whole,
like, Secret Garden, kind of a trellis-y,

like hidden kind of thing.

Or you could, you know,
you could go like Asian-y.

Minimal. You know, like rocks
and kind of all clean and...

Whatever you think.

Well,
what do you think?

You know what? I'm not...
I'm not feeling minimal.

I really... I'm really
liking more is more.

You know? I mean,
let's not try to tame this space, okay?

Let's just let it be
like lush,

overgrown, fecund.

Fecund.

Like fertile, yeah?

No, I love that word. You just, you don't
hear people use it very often.

No, yeah.

Yeah, more is more.
Yeah, I like that.

Right on.
Let's do that.

I'm sorry.
What?

I just keep seeing
my kids' expressions in your face.

Really?
Yeah.

Like that. Like, "Really?"
Like, yeah. That's like Laser.

Hmm.

Well...

Do you like patios?

Yeah, patios are good. Okay.

Yeah.

We could put a patio up there.
Where?

Let's take a look.

SASHA: Hello. Donor Dad?
Stone cold fox.

Must you take everything beautiful
and make it dirty?

Okay.

I'm just saying.
Spermster's a hottie.

Is he single?

(GROANING) Okay.
First of all, ew,

and second,
he's a really good person.

So I'd prefer it if you didn't taint him
with your whore juice.

Fair enough, hairy muff.
I'm out of here.

You lovebirds can
split my letters.

Do you want
to keep playing?

Sure.

Okay.

Sometimes I feel sorry
for Sasha, you know?

Yeah.

It's like she has to sexualize
every experience, you know?

It's just sad.

Yeah. Yeah, I know.
That's sad.

JULES: Oh, come on.

Hi ya, what's the score?

Pretty close.

NIC: Yeah?
20 to three. Match point.

So how'd it go today?

It was good.
We settled on a concept.

Ah. What is it?

Well, you know,
it's kind of...

It's kind of hard to explain.

You really have
to see the space.

Okay. Hey, Laser, did you write the
get-well card for Pup-pup?

(SIGHING)

Laser, come on.

What do I have to do? I bought
you the card. I put it on your desk.

All you have
to do is sign it.

Mom, just settle down,
okay? I'll do it.

Hey. You don't tell me
to settle, mister.

If it's not in the mail
by tomorrow morning,

we're not going to the Dodger game
Saturday, okay?

Whatever. I have
other plans anyways.

What other plans?

I asked you a question.

I said I'd do something
with Paul, okay? God!

Shit!

I believe this might not
be such a good idea.

Are you filming?
Yeah.

He's not gonna make that.
You're not gonna make that, Clay. No way.

Let's do something
different.

Will you quit being
such a choch and run the camera?

I'm only doing this once,
so keep my shit in frame.

LASER: All right.

All right, I got it.

(GROANING)

Shit! Dude!

(GROANING)

Clay, are you all right?
Fuck!

Did you get it, dude?
PAUL: Clay, you all right, bro?

Seriously, are you okay?
I'm fucking fine! Fuck!

Did you fucking
get it? God!

Yeah, I got it.

Fuck, dude.
PAUL: Clay...

That was fucking crazy.

PAUL: Where's your place,
Clay, up here?

CLAY: Yeah, right here
on the right.

This is good.
PAUL: Cool here?

Yeah.

You take care.
Later.

See you.

Let's wait till
he gets to the house.

Maybe we could hang out together just
you and me next time.

Clay's cool. He just...
You know, he gets a little amped sometimes.

That's not amped, man.
That's being a tool.

No, he's not a tool, okay?
That's just his way.

Yeah, I don't like the way
he was talking to you at all.

Well, you know what?
You don't know him very well, do you?

I mean, you hung out
with him once.

You're right.
I don't know him.

Can I ask you something?

Sure.

Why'd you donate sperm?

It just seemed like a lot more fun than
donating blood.

No, I loved the idea
of helping people.

People who were in need, you know,
wanted to have kids and couldn't.

So then you did it
to help people?

It was a long time ago.

How much did you
get paid?

Why do you want
to know that?

I'm just curious.

I got paid 60 bucks a pop.

That's it?

Well, it was, like,
a lot of money to me at the time.

And with inflation,
it's like $90 today.

Hey.

I'm glad I did it.

Whoa.

What's this?

H i. Come here.

Come here. Sit down.

I'm sorry that
I've been so edgy lately, you know.

I know I haven't
been my highest self.

Yeah.

And you've been
really patient with me.

And I just want you to know that that
hasn't gone unrecognized, okay?

How's the water?

It's perfect.
You wanna come in?

In a minute.
You enjoy it first.

(SIGHING)

I forgot
the lavender bath salts.

Oh, I don't care.
No, no, no.

I wanna get them.
I got them special.

Don't go. Don't.

Don't move.
I'll be right back.

(SIGHING)

Nic?

Hey, Nic?

Jesus!

NIC: U h-huh.

Right. No,
I understand.

I understand where the pain is, but
it doesn't sound like a contraction.

It sounds more like gas.
(MOUTHING) I'm sorry.

Fuck!

Right. Okay.

All right, this is our plan.
I don't think you should worry,

and I think you should
just call me back if it continues.

PAUL: You sure you don't
want any coffee?

No thanks.

It's good.

JULES: I'm all right.

But I think I'm gonna go
to the nursery tomorrow,

so I want you to sign off on
this Bougainvillea.

PAUL: Sure.

What is this?
Did you make it?

Yeah. That's some pie I made.
It's right from my garden.

It's strawberry-rhubarb.

Here. Try.

Yeah, okay.
Twist my arm.

Oh, my God.
It's good, huh?

That's criminal.
Have some more.

No. No, please,
just take it away.

Come on.

You had one bite.
No, if I have one more,

you're gonna have to tape it to my ass
'cause that's where it's gonna end up.

Hey now, don't go negative on your ass.
No reason for that.

You're good with
the plants, then?

(CLEARING THROAT)

'Cause, you know,
I can change it.

If you're not happy with it,
we can do something else.

No. No, no. I'm... We can get whatever
you want, you know?

I'm just thinking.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I'm good with them.
They're great.

Oh.

They're great.

Sorry. Sometimes I mistake
silence for criticism.

I wasn't criticizing you.

No, no, I just, you know...

Sometimes Nic can be a little critical
'cause she's a perfectionist.

Well, I don't see why
you'd take it that way.

I think you're
really talented.

Really?

Really.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Excuse me, señora?

Yeah?

5:00.

Okay, thanks.

Same time tomorrow?

Yeah. Same time tomorrow.

Good night.

Thank you. Okay,
good night. Thank you.

Whew!

I should get going, too.

(MIMICKING GARDENER'S ACCENT)
Same time tomorrow?

That's mean.
Take this.

No. U h-uh.
I don't want it.

Take it.
No.

For the kids.
No. I don't want it.

Come on.

No. God,
you are such a pusher.

Oh!

Wow. Okay.

(LAUGHING UNCOMFORTABLY)

I don't know where that came from.
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I...

Jules.

I'm gonna just go and...

It's okay.

No, I just...

It's okay.
It was okay.

But I shall return!

What?

So how'd it go
with Paul today?

What do you mean?

Well, did you break ground? Did you
dig in? I don't know the terms.

We just talked,
conceptually.

Oh, wow.

(MIMICKING PAUL) So it was less of a
"doing" day? Was he okay with that?

You know, I think
we should lay off the Paul digs a little.

Oh, okay.

And I also think
we should start composting.

Hey, take this.

Thanks.

You got that fair skin.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

You don't have
my peasant blood.

(GROANING) Ignore.

Who's that?

My mom, N ic.
She's driving me crazy.

Yeah? What's she doing?

She's treating me
like I'm 12.

It's like she doesn't want to admit
that I'm an adult.

Well, that's your mom.
That's her job.

What? To smother me to death?
That's not her job.

If you want things
to be different, you got to do that,

make that happen yourself.

That's your job.

Yeah.

Do you like peppers?

Yeah.

Thanks.

LASER: There's no way,
dude. You missed it by, like, 20 feet.

Well, if Paul wasn't there,
I could have made it.

That guy creeps me out.

He's kind of a fag, dude,
trying to act like your dad and shit.

Whatever, all right?

(DOG BARKING)

Hey, buddy. Hey.

I've seen this dog around here before.
I think he's lost.

Let's pee on his head.

What? No.

Where you going?

Dude, what are you doing?

Dude, just hold him.

Dude, quit it.

(MIMICKING LASER)
"Dude, quit it. "

Go on, get out of here! Go!

Why are you such a fag?

Why are you such
a fucking dick?

That hat looks
good on you. Thanks.

Keep it.
Thank you.

Never been on a bike?

Mmm-mmm.

Never.

You got to wear
one of these.

Okay.

You've got to hold on
tight right there.

(SNORTING)

Here we go. You ready?

I'm ready.
You sure?

Yeah.
(WHOOPING)

(WHOOPING)

Hey, babe, relax.
She'll be back when she gets back.

Quit telling me
to relax. Okay?

(MOTORCYCLE ENGINE HUMMING)

What the fuck?

Wow. Funny how someone
conveniently forgot to tell me

that they were driving home
on a motorcycle.

Do you know how many people I've
seen come into the hospital paralyzed

from motorcycle accidents?

I'm a very safe driver, N ic.

Yeah, that is so not the point that
I'm making, Paul.

Joni knows that this is something
I'd just never allow.

Mom, I'm 18 years old.

Yeah?

I won't even be living
here in, like, a month.

Yeah, well, you're living here now.
Yeah?

Well, why don't you get a jump on it and
pretend like I'm not?

(EXHALING)

She's never talked
to me like that before.

You know, if you backed off a little bit
on the restrictions,

you probably wouldn't
have so much conflict.

Oh, really? You think so, Paul?
Is that how it works?

JULES: What's going on?

Oh, nothing. Nothing.

Paul's just giving me some
child-rearing lessons.

I'm just saying...

Listen, when you've been a parent for
18 years, you come and talk to me, okay?

I'm just making
an observation.

Yeah? Well, I need your observations
like I need a dick in my ass!

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

NIC: Joni?

Honey. Look,
I was upset, okay?

You know how I feel
about motorcycles.

Yeah, I know how
you feel about them.

But I'm an adult now,
and you have to respect that, okay?

Good night.

Good? Good?

Yeah, that's perfect.
Thanks.

Hey, Paul.

Hey, Jules.
What's up?

It's all right. I just wanted to say
I'm sorry about last night.

Hey...
I was really embarrassed.

Hey, it wasn't you.
It was her who wigged out.

I think she's, you know,
she's just having a really hard time.

You know?

Yeah. You really don't
have to defend her. Seriously.

And about that kiss, that's...
You know, I don't do that.

I completely
sensed that, yeah.

So...

I just wanted
to clear the air.

The air is cleared.

No, it's clear.

No, Paul, I can't!

Why? You don't want to?

No, I have a guy outside!

Oh, yeah.
Right, the guy.

Oh, God.

(LAUGHING)

Okay, wait. Wait.

(EXCLAIMING)

Well! Hello!

Yeah! Yeah!

Okay, not so hard.
Not so hard. Okay.

(EXCLAIMING)

What?

Oh, my God!
PAUL: Yeah?

Come on.

LUIS: Excuse me?
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

You gotta be
fucking kidding me!

PAUL: Oh, God. Oh, God.

LUIS: Excuse me, señora?

I can't fucking believe it.
Okay.

You gotta go talk to him.
Are you gonna go talk to him?

Okay. Fuck.
Oh, God.

(LUIS SPEAKING SPANISH)

Shit.

LUIS: Excuse me, señora?
Okay!

Hey, what's up?

Where do you
want the stones?

Stones?

Over by the fence.

What?

I was using the bathroom.

Do you need to use
the bathroom?

Okay, then.
I'll be right back.

Okay.
Take your time.

(GROANING)

LASER: That's H.

Yeah, I know.

All right. Lay-up.

PAUL: All right.

Now you don't have
to go easy on me because you're winning.

Nobody likes
a show-off, man.

You gotta go
behind the back.

God.

(LAUGHING)

Can I ask you a question?

Would you rather
be buried or cremated?

That's your question?

I'd rather be cremated.

I think I'd...
(EXCLAIMING)

I think I'd rather
be buried.

But why? I mean,

you're just gonna be
taking up more space in the earth.

I don't know. The idea of being,
you know,

torched into a chalky white substance
has got me a little freaked out.

Why does it matter to you?
You're not even gonna be conscious.

Okay, well, maybe,
I don't know,

I want a place for people to come
and visit me one day.

But why?
You're gonna be dead.

You won't even
know they're there.

Okay. Take it easy.

Come on.

So, what do you like better,
Nike or New Balance?

Nike.
Oh, God, here we go.

SASHA: God, I love your
necklace! Can I see it?

Sure.

It's so beautiful.

Thank you.

Is it African?

Yes, it's Ethiopian.

Did you get it there?

No, I got it at a flea market
in Brooklyn.

Is that where you're from?

No, I'm from here.

Cool.
Hey, guys, how you doing?

Good.
How's the food?

It's great.

Good? You're not
gonna eat your chicken?

It's so yummy.
It's good?

Yeah, it's really good.

I'm sorry, but I have to take the lovely
Tanya away for a moment.

All right. It was lovely
talking to you, ladies.

You, too.
You, too.

Okay, I'm sorry, but your donor daddy
is giving me the sex vibe.

No, he's not.
He wouldn't do that.

Why not?
He's not my dad.

God, Sasha,
that's totally gross!

Not everybody
wants to have sex with you, okay?

Especially when
you act like a slut.

Fuck you.

Well, it makes you seem insecure
and desperate.

I'm not insecure
and desperate.

I'm just a normal,
sexual person.

Maybe you'd understand that
if you weren't so uptight.

Fuck you.
I'm not uptight.

STELLA: Oh, my God,
these heirloom tomatoes are amazing.

Oh, yeah,
they're in season.

You know, Joni brought some home from
Paul's garden the other day.

They were huge.

So the kids have
been spending time with him?

Yeah. Yeah, they're
spending all kinds of quality time together.

Well, you're lucky. You're lucky that
the kids bonded with the donor.

I mean, you hear so
many nightmare stories.

No, no, it's great.
They all just get along famously.

Apparently, Paul
can do no wrong.

Excuse me. Could we get
another bottle of the Seavey Cabernet?

Thank you. I'm okay. I'm okay.
I don't need any more.

Yeah, you're alone
on this one, Nicole.

Hey, so have you guys gotten into the
whole acai smoothie craze?

JULES: Acai fruit packs.

Yeah. No, but they're pushing them like
crack at Whole Foods.

Joel is so addicted to it.
He buys it by the case.

JOEL: Here's what I do.

I throw one in the blender with bananas,
frozen strawberries and hemp milk.

And I'll tell you what,
it is pretty sensational.

J ust fucking kill me.
Okay?

Honey.
I'm sorry, guys,

but I just can't with the fucking hemp milk
and the organic farming.

And, you know, if I hear one more person
say that they love heirloom tomatoes,

I'm gonna fucking
kill myself. Okay?

Oh. And do you know
that we're composting now?

Oh, yeah.
"No, don't throw that in the trash.

"You have to put it
in the composting bin

"where all the beautiful little worms will
turn it into this organic mulch,

"and then we'll all
feel good about ourselves. " You know?

I can't do it, okay?
I can't fucking do it.

Hey, babe. How about
some green tea?

You know what, J ules?
I like my wine, okay? So fucking sue me.

And FYI, red wine
has a chemical called resveratrol in it,

which has been proven
to significantly extend human lifespan.

If you drink, like,
a thousand glasses a day, yeah.

Fuck you.

I'm sorry.
STELLA: It's okay.

Go to her.

(MOUTHING) Whoa.

(WHISPERING) What the hell
is going on with them?

(SIGHING)

Oh, my God.
What is going on with you?

It's this whole Paul thing.

It's just driving me
crazy, all right?

I feel like he's taking over
my family.

No. He's...

BARTENDER:
Can I get you anything?

No thanks, no.
He's not. He's not.

Okay.

Okay, I'm sorry,
all right?

I guess I'm just exhausted.

Yeah, maybe you just
need to take some time off, recharge.

Right?

Yeah, right.
Who's gonna pay for that?

I mean, look,
I'm sorry,

but, you know, I feel
like I'm carrying the whole load here.

Yeah, 'cause that's
the way you like it.

That's the way
you keep control.

What are you
talking about?

Come on,
you hated it when I worked.

You wanted me at home
taking care of the kids.

You wanted a wife.
That is just not true.

No, you didn't like
any of the nannies,

and you sure didn't
back my career.

What are you talking about? I just
helped you start another business.

Yeah, so you can feel
better about yourself.

No, Jules.
So you can feel better about yourself.

Are you even attracted
to me anymore?

BARTEN DER: Would you
still like the wine?

NIC: No, thank you. We'll just take the
check from inside, please.

BARTEN DER: Okay, no problem.

Oh, yeah. Pull my hair.

PAUL: Okay. Oh, yeah.

Okay.

PAUL: Ow!

(JULES MOANING)

I really want a cigarette.
I haven't smoked since Laser was born.

Do you smoke?
Do you have a cigarette?

Sometimes,
but I don't have any.

I could go run out
and get you some.

Yeah. Yeah, no, no.
No, don't go.

God.

Do you think

I'm some sad-sack,
middle-aged lesbian?

You know, I have been trying to come up
with a way to describe you to my friends,

and now I finally have it.
Thank you so much.

(PHONE RINGING)

(LAUGHING)
Fuck you.

You want to get that?

No, no. I want
to get some of this.

(BEEPING)

Paul, it's Joni.

I just wanted to call you
and apologize for my friend Sasha.

You know, when you put
your hands on her shoulders,

I think that
she thought that...

Hey, Joni. It's Paul.
(MOUTHING) Don't get that.

Listen, I'm really sorry
about Sasha the other night.

No, I didn't even... No, no. No...
Really, I didn't even notice that.

I hope you didn't
feel uncomfortable.

No, not at all. I...
(STUTTERING)

Not at all.

Okay, sure.
Well, as long as... Hold on, hold on.

(WHISPERING)
Wait, wait, wait.

No, just get off me.

I'm just gonna...
Give me one second.

Get off.

Jone?

Oh, is my mom there?

Your mom?
No, no. She split.

She went on
a Home Depot run.

Did you go to Home Depot?

Yeah. J ust got back.

That was fast.

Yeah, no lines.

What's that look
you're giving me?

What look?

The look that you're
giving me right now.

No. That's no look.
That's just my face.

Yeah, I'm not gonna play
this game with you.

You know, you can
keep your judgments to yourself.

No. I didn't give
no looks, señora.

I don't ask
why you blow your nose all the time.

If you have a drug problem,
then that's your business.

No, I don't have
no drug problem.

I have allergies.

Then why are
you a gardener?

'Cause I love
the flowers.

Man, this is
not gonna work.

You know, I'm gonna pay you
through the end of the day,

and then we're through. Okay?

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

Thank you very much.

Thanks. Thank you.

Can we talk about...

No, we can't.

LUIS: A little bit.
You know why?

'Cause there's nothing
to talk about.

I think you know.

You know.

Look.

I know you've all
been enjoying your time with Paul.

And I know that I haven't
been as open to him as everybody else,

and that's caused some
friction between us.

But I'd like to try
and change that, okay?

So I was thinking

it might be nice if we all had dinner at
his house sometime.

Now that way, I could get to know him
a little bit better,

and I could see all the good work
that Mom's been doing in the backyard.

What do you think? Yeah?
Sure.

NIC: Yeah.
Sure.

Yeah?

JONI: Yeah.

Great.

It's not...
I'm not done yet.

You know,
I'm not, you know...

No. No, I know.

I haven't done all
the planting or anything.

But I wanna see
the process.

You know, like other colors,
other than green colors.

Well, that's okay.
I just wanna see the process.

Great.

(GRUNTING)

PAUL: Hey.

Need a hand?
JULES: Sure.

Hold on.
Let me help you.

Ready? Okay.

Right here.

Yeah.

We can't be doing this.

I know. This is...

I'm married.

The kids.

Yeah, and I love Nic, so...

Hey.
I don't...

It was fun while it lasted.

Sorry.

I bought you
some cigarettes.

Jesus. What is
wrong with me?

I shouldn't have fired Luis like that.
That was so wrong.

Yeah, I think you're
being hard on yourself.

You know, I mean,
things just get messed up sometimes.

No, no, that wasn't messy.
That was fucked up.

I am so fucked up.

I...

I think
I'm falling for you.

Oh, God, Paul.

Don't.

Tonight was
a really good night.

Yeah.

That one table had, like,
five bottles of wine.

It was crazy.
It was a big night.

You know,
Joni's really pretty.

I think she's got
some of your genes.

You think? I think she looks more like
her mom, but thanks.

I appreciate that.

It was really cute
seeing you in Dad mode.

Yeah?

Yeah.

It made me want
to fuck you.

Yeah?

Yeah.

You know, I've been
missing our sleepovers.

Yeah, we haven't
been doing that in a while, have we?

Mmm-mmm.

You want to meet up later?

(SIGHING) Tanya,

you're so sexy
and beautiful, but I...

I don't think
we should do that anymore.

You know,
what we have is really fun and easy,

but I don't want to be that, like, 50- year-
old guy who's just hanging out, you know?

I really do want
to have a family,

and I need to be doing that with someone
who's, like, ready to go there with me.

Oh.

Okay.

Tanya.

Yeah? Fuck you.

It's locked.

Yeah, I mean, obviously I have
more to do down here.

I gotta fill it in,
but this is the general idea.

No, it looks great.

Yeah?

It's so indigenous.

Really.
I am so proud of you.

Yeah, you like it?
Yeah?

I'm so proud.

I love you, honey.

I love you, too.

I'm so glad you like it.
It's incredible.

Oh, man.

And now, wait,
how's that guy Luis working out?

Man, I had to fire him.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, he has
a drug problem.

You're kidding!
What drug?

No. I know... I...

Blow, I think.

You're a natural, kid.

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

JULES: I know.
PAUL: Good.

You're a natural.

You can never have
too much olive oil.

Big no-no.

Oh! I forgot.

N ic, I got a bitching 1998 Alma Rosa that
I think you're just gonna love.

You know what? I think I'm gonna stick
with water, but thank you so much.

You sure?
Yeah.

Jules.

NIC: Paul, this steak
is delicious.

PAUL: Thank you.

Really, it's...
What is the seasoning?

Guys, we just misted it
with a little truffle oil, right?

Mmm-hmm.

PAUL: It's so easy.
NIC: Wow.

What a good idea.
We ought to try that. Right, honey?

Mmm-hmm.

And it's done
to perfection.

Yeah?
It's not too rare?

Oh, no, no.

It's juicy and tender.
Exactly what rare's supposed to be.

Right? I mean, I got people
coming into the restaurant,

they see the slightest
bit of red, they just start freaking out.

(SCOFFING)
Isn't that annoying?

That happens to me
all the time when I'm grilling.

PAUL: Hey, red is rare.

Hello, it's bloody.

I mean...
Hello?

Yoo-hoo.
Hello, thank you.

Yeah, I mean, if you're in Argentina,
and you ask for rare,

they bring you a cow
still mooing on the plate.

(LAUGHING)

I really want to go to Argentina. Buenos
Aires is supposed to be...

Hey. I noticed
your record collection over there.

Wow, it's quite an
eclectic mix, you know.

Thank you very much, N ic.

You're welcome.

You don't meet too many straight guys
who love Joni Mitchell.

You sure don't.

You like Joni?

No, not really. We just named our
daughter after her.

Really?
Oh, shut the front door.

Come on. Really? You never told me
you were named after Joni M.

It's so dorky.
I don't like to bring it up.

That is so cool.

No, what's your
favorite Joni album? It's not cool.

Blue.

Right? My brother
from another mother.

Oh, my God.
I mean...

Listen, I spent half of high school in my
room crying to that album.

That record,
it kills me.

It doesn't stop.
No.

River. California.

A Case Of You.

All I Want.

NIC: Oh, God.
PAUL: Right?

(SINGING)
I am on a lonely road

And I am traveling,
traveling, traveling

Looking for something

PAUL AND NIC: What can it be

I hate you some,
I hate you some

I love you some

I love you

BOTH: When I forget about me

I want to talk to you

I want to shampoo you

I want to renew you
again and again

Applause, applause

Life is our cause

When I think of your kisses

My mind see-saws

Do you see,
do you see

Do you see, do you see

Do you see how
you hurt me, baby

And I hurt you, too

That's why we both get

so blue

PAUL: Bravo.

Don't quit your
day job, Mom.

PAUL: Hey. It's already hard enough to
open your heart in this world.

Don't make it any harder.

You're right. I'm sorry.
It was a wonderful rendition.

Beautiful, thank you.

I like this guy.

PAUL: Why, thank you, N ic.

Okay. Paul,
where's your bathroom?

It's just right here
around the corner.

All right. Thanks.

And you know what? I am gonna have
a glass of the Alma Rosa, okay?

All right.

So, I think you'd
really love Argentina.

JONI: I really
wanna go there.

PAUL: Buenos Aires
is literally, like,

one of the most beautiful
cities in the world.

(EXHALING)

PAUL: I was in a rainstorm
in the Grand Canyon.

JONI: Can we go?
I'll take you.

PAUL: A big rattlesnake
when I was in the desert in Baja, Mexico.

We should.
I'll take you to Baja.

I was in the desert and...

JONI: What's it like there?

PAUL: It's beautiful.

I was surfing, but then
there was no waves,

so we climbed up
into the mountains.

And I hear a rattling,
and it was a rattlesnake.

And so I was scrambling.
I didn't know what to do,

so I reached out for a rock, and then
I threw it at the rattlesnake...

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Did you guys spend
some time up there?

Yeah, a long time ago.
Yeah. Yeah.

Beautiful, beautiful beaches.
You'd like it.

PAUL: It's really nice
having you guys over.

I don't entertain here
very much.

Cheers.

JULES: All right.
All right.

To an unconventional family.

You and Paul
were getting along like gang-busters.

You're sleeping
with him, aren't you?

What?

J ust be honest
with me, okay?

Don't make me feel crazier
than I feel right now.

Where is this coming from?
I don't...

Well, I found your hair
in his drain.

Because...

Because I was working,
and I got dirty, and I took a shower.

Yeah?
Did you take a nap, too?

Are you in love with him?

No.

Are you straight now?

No. It has nothing
to do with that!

I've just felt so far away
from you lately.

Oh, right.
So it's my fault?

No! Who said
anything about fault?

Just listen to me!

I'm listening!

What?

I just... I just...

I needed...

What? To be fucked?

No. Appreciated.

Well, it's always what
I'm not doing for you, isn't it?

Well, okay.
Here's what I don't do to you.

I don't work out my issues
by fucking other people!

He's not just "other people. "

No! He's our sperm donor.

You couldn't have picked
a more painful way to hurt me.

Where are you going?

I need water!

Oh!

Shit!

Shit.

Joni.

I don't want
to talk to you.

Can we just talk
about what happened?

I said I don't
want to talk to you.

Okay. I understand.

Laser? Honey?

What?

I know that
you and Joni heard what was going on,

and I wanted to tell you
that what happened with me and Paul is over.

There's nothing
going on now.

Okay.

I know it'll probably take you a while to
process your feelings around this,

but I just wanted to tell you that I'm here
if you ever want to talk about anything.

Is there anything
you want to talk about?

Not really.

How's Nic?

She's a mess.

They're not talking.
I've never seen her like that.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Is it him?

Hello?

Hey, darling.
How you doing?

You're such a phony.

Excuse me?

You act like you're
so groovy and together, but you're not.

You're a shitty person!

Oh, no.

What happened?

With my mom?

(EXHALING)

Listen, you gotta let me
just come and talk to you, honey, please.

What's wrong with you?

Joni, listen to me. Please...

Don't call me again.

Hey, Paul, look at these cukes.
Aren't they awesome?

No.

Fuck.

Fuck!

JULES: Hello?

I just talked to Joni.

What happened?
What's going on?

N ic found my hair
in your bathroom.

Fuck.
I n the drain.

The other night?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Hey, you know what?

I just say we go for it.
I mean, it's all out in the open now.

I mean,
let's just do this thing.

Paul...

I don't care what you say,
Jules. We can...

This can work, you know.
This isn't a mistake.

Paul.

This isn't just happening
for no reason.

Let's get
the kids together.

Paul, come on.
I'm sick of this life.

Let's make this happen.
I'm ready.

I'm gay.

Fuck it. I wanna...

Jesus.

Hello?

(DIALING)

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHATTERING)

Hey, hey.
Slow down, tiger.

You don't wanna get sick.

I'm fine.

Are you gonna
talk to him?

Yeah.

Hey.
Hey.

I like the scruff.
It's sexy.

Thank you.

Excuse me.
We're in the middle of a conversation.

That's okay.

Can I talk to you?

Yeah.

Excuse me.

(SCOFFS)

MAN: (ON TV) Green chilies, queso sauce,
blue corn tortillas.

This is a poblano pepper.

So, what's up?

Are you okay?

Fine.

I just wanted to get another pillow.
The couch is really saggy.

(NIC SIGHING)

Your back hurts?

Yeah. It's super achy.

Well, you should
take some Advil.

Hey, how was the party?

Fine.

Were there a lot
of people there?

I don't know.

Are you drunk, honey?

No.

Hey, did you drive
yourself home?

Yeah. What's the big deal?
I'm not drunk.

You seem drunk to me.

Yeah, well,
you should know.

What did you say to me?

Nothing. I'm going to bed.
NIC: Hey, honey. I...

What do you want from me?
I did everything you wanted!

I got all A's!
I got into every school I applied!

Now you can show everyone
what a perfect lesbian family you have!

Don't talk to your
mom like that!

You're really gonna
tell me how to act? Now?

You know what?
I am still your mother, and you...

Don't touch me!
I'm so sick of both of you!

(GROANING)

Hey, did you remember
to pack the lamp I gave you?

Mmm-hmm.

Well, we can always
get stuff there, you know.

I mean, if your room's
too dark, or you need extra bedding or...

I'm not going
to Siberia, Mom.

I can't believe
it's your last dinner at home.

Are you seriously
about to cry?

I wish you were gay.
You'd be much more sensitive.

That's probably Sasha.
I'll get it.

LASER: How long a drive is it?

NIC: About eight
hours, I think.

What are you doing here?

I just needed to talk to you
before you left. Please.

There's nothing
to talk about.

I wanted to apologize again.

I can't tell you

how ashamed,
how much I regret what happened.

So, like, everything that
happened between us,

what was that?
That was just bullshit?

No, no.
It wasn't bullshit at all.

Okay?

I know that I don't
have much credibility right now,

but I really, really
care about you.

And I wanna know that I'm gonna be able
to see you again someday.

I mean, I...
Do you think that could ever happen?

I don't know.

I just wish that
you could've been...

What?

Better.

(SIGHING)

Oh.

You have got
some balls, mister.

Hold on, N ic.

No, no, no.
You hold on.

You know what
you did to my kids?

Shit.

Let me tell you something,
man, this is not your family.

This is my family!
I know that, Nic.

No, you don't know.

You don't know,
and you know why?

Because you're
a fucking interloper.

If you want a family so much,
you go out and make your own!

(CHATTER ON TV)

I need to say something.

It's no big secret
your mom and I are in hell right now, and...

Bottom line is,
marriage is hard.

It's really fucking hard.

Just two people

slogging through the shit,
year after year, getting older, changing.

It's a fucking
marathon, okay?

So, sometimes, you know,
you're together so long, that you just...

You stop seeing
the other person.

You just see
weird projections of your own junk.

Instead of talking
to each other, you go off the rails

and act grubby and make stupid choices,
which is what I did.

And I feel sick about it because I love you
guys, and I love your mom,

and that's the truth.

Sometimes you hurt the ones you love
the most. I don't know why.

You know, if I read more
Russian novels, then...

(SNIFFLING)

Anyway...

(CLEARING THROAT)

I just wanted to say
how sorry I am for what I did.

I hope you'll
forgive me eventually.

Thank you.

NIC: Oh!

N ice, huh?
This is big.

It's bigger than
I thought it would be.

Okay.

Did you remember the lamp? Thank God.
JULES: Here it is. Here.

Honey, where
do you want this?

Do you want it on your desk?
Do you want it next to the bed?

Guys, I've got it.

I think the sheets
are in here. Mom.

Guys, I can do it, okay?
No, no, I can do it.

Mom.

JULES: Is that...

Mom, I got it.
I can do it.

Thanks. Can I just have a minute,
please? Okay?

Okay.
Okay.

Okay?

Okay.

Great.

Hey.

Where'd you guys go?

NIC: We had to move the car.

I thought you left.

We wouldn't leave
without saying goodbye.

Give us some credit.

It's gonna be weird
not having you around anymore.

Sorry to leave you
alone with them.

It'll be okay.

(NIC AND JULES CRYING)

Hey, guys, come on.

Hey, it's okay.
I'll speak to you soon, okay?

Okay.

I don't think you guys
should break up.

No? Why's that?

I think you're too old.

NIC: Thanks, Laser.