All language subtitles for Call.Me.Kat.S02E17.WEB.H264-CAKES

Hey, what can I get for you?

Uh, what flavor slushies you got?

We like blue flavor.

Well, blue is the best.

I mean, blue teeth, blue tongue.

It's not a flavor found
in nature... just blue.

Mm-mm, all y'all are crazy.

The best flavor, red.

Red gives me brain freeze.

Red is so much colder than blue.

Oh, dude, she gets us.

Yeah, I get you! I get
young people things.

I watch Euphoria.

Although, most of the time, I have
to watch like this. Like, "Mm."

Uh, so we'll take two
blue slushies, please.

Throw in a red one.

Brain freezes really help me think.

Unfortunately, we don't sell slushies.

So you'll talk about them
but you won't make them?

- Huh.
- Slush tease.

You two don't seem like
you're from around here.

That's because they're from
Thursdays at 9:30 on Fox

and streaming on Hulu.

We won a scratch-off
ticket, so we decided

to take the cash and go on a pilgrimage.

We're putting a ten-piece
bucket on Colonel Sanders' grave.

Master of the chicken,
inventor of the spork...

guy's a legend.

Truly a visionary.

I wish more things
were served in a bucket.

- Mm.
- Oh, my God! Billion-dollar idea!

Slushie in a bucket!

Slush bucket!

Don't even think about stealing my idea.

Yeah, we got to patent that
when we get back to Flatch.

Wait, what's a flatch?

Uh, the town we're from.

We basically run the place.

I'm Kelly Mallet, my honor.

And this is my coz, Shrub.

Maybe you've heard of me.

I haven't.

Well, if you ever want

to visit, I can borrow Kelly's beanbag

for all of your lounging needs.

No, you can't.

Are you kidding me right now?

She's coming for the weekend.

Wait, uh, that's not happening.

Way to go, Kel.

Okay, relax, I'll buy you a slushie.

Oh, (BLEEP) yeah.

Did he just get a bleep?

We don't get to do that here.

Listen, we'll be at the
liquor store parking lot

doing something sick if
you want to come through.

I don't.

Okay. I will see you there.

Billion-dollar idea...

blue-flavored coffee.

Red would be better.

And now you just ruined it.

Hey. Kitty Kat.

Hello, Nick.

Are you here as my landlord

or just the annoying
guy from down the block?

Or as the guy she had
pity sex with twice?

- Pity sex?
- That's the word on the street.

Mm-hmm.

Listen, can we talk in private?

Uh, sorry. Can't leave the counter.

The, uh... 2:37 rush
is about to come in.

Fine. Here's the deal.

I asked around. What you're
paying in rent is under market.

Yeah, well, I asked around
and no one likes you.

Classic retort from the
case of Rubber v. Glue.

"Bounce, me. Stick, you."

Anyway, starting next month,

caf�'s rent goes up 40%.

What? Is that even legal?

- Scuse me.
- Yeah, my lawyer looked through your lease.

He said I could do whatever I
want. I was cutting you a break.

40% is cutting me a break?

I'm sorry, could I
just get a nonfat latte?

Not right now!

How can you even do this?

Look, I'm sorry. It's not personal...

it's just business.

So, on the first of the
month, you'll owe me...

Yeah, I was a math professor.

I can do 40% in my head.

Carry the five.

Um, do we...

Well, while you're
crunching the numbers there,

you can also tack on
40% for your apartment.

Seriously?

Again, it's not personal.

Yeah, well, neither is this.

You are an absolute
(BLEEPING) head (BLEEP) wipe.

Guess we do get to do that here.

Hey, everyone, I'm running some numbers.

I'm trying to cut back on costs.

How do y'all feel about
one-ply toilet paper?

I will kindly ask that you
never speak of its existence

in my presence again.

Okay, well, add that to
the long list of things

that Phil doesn't like,

along with Spider-Man, the musical,

and pants that unzip into shorts.

You don't like zip-away pants?

You're ready for everything.

"Nice to meet you, Mr. President.

Oh, would I like to play basketball?

Yes! Of course!

I'm already ready."

Zip. Zip.

How 'bout this? Phil,
could you make muffins

with frozen blueberries
instead of fresh?

Could you take your mouth and shut it?

Carter, can I talk to
you outside for a minute?

Sure.

Okay, so you know that
Nick bought my building,

- raised my rent.
- Yeah.

That guy's name should be Dick Move.

Yeah.

So what you gonna do?

Well, I was hoping you could help me.

Oh. I got you.

I know a guy.

No, that-that's not what I meant.

Yeah, of course it's not.

No, I don't want you threatening Nick

- or anything like that.
- Yeah, yeah, sure.

We good.

No, no, no. That-that's
really not what I want.

And that's exactly what you should say

if there's any questions.

Can you stop texting whoever
you're texting? I just want

to know what you would
do in my situation.

Oh. Got you.

Hey, I-I'll clear things
up with Freddie later.

Don't worry. He's kind
of a procrastinator.

Look, I'm-I'm trying to reduce costs,

I'm raising prices, but
it's just not enough.

Maybe I should cancel
my health insurance.

I'll be okay. I come from hearty stock.

Mm. Didn't your dad die young?

Yeah, but I'm hoping
I get my mom's genes.

She'll outlive us all.
When the machines take over,

she'll be the last human alive,

asking some robot to
help her with her email.

Look, my biggest expense is staff.

And bathroom repairs.

I mean, I don't know what
you women do in there,

but y'all can wreck a bathroom.

I can't cut back on staff.

I've only got Phil and Randi.

And they both serve critical roles

in the functioning of this business.

- That's a wellness activity.
- Mm-hmm.

And it's really good for staff morale.

This is where it gets
tough to be the boss.

You got to make the hard decisions.

And since Randi's my boo,

the hard decision is Phil.

No, that's not happening.

I'll think of something else.

Uh-oh.

Freddie and his boys are rolling.

I got to go.

Come on. There's got to be
some superpower you'd want.

Invisibility?

Oh, please. Why would I want to
deprive people of all of this?

What about you?

I would like the ability to
make waffles in an instant.

So, wait, so, wait, you'd be Waffle Man?

Okay. So hear me out.

Frozen ones are a disappointment,

and-and waffles from
scratch take too long.

So if I could have the
perfect waffle anytime,

whenever I wanted it,

I think my life would be complete.

I can get behind that.

Drunk late-night
partygoers, have no fear.

Waffle Man is here!

He took that from me,

Pancake Girl!

You're both so cute.

And so white.

- Mwah.
- Mwah.

So, how was your day?

Big news. I'm playing piano

for this fundraising event on Saturday.

Guess who's headlining. Robin Thicke.

Robin Thicke. He's awesome.

And he has the best hair I've ever seen.

Excuse me?

I said what I said.

But how cool would it
be if you got to meet him

and play him one of your songs?

Ooh, and I just wrote a new one

about growing up without a dad.

Sounds like a real banger.

Do you think you could get me in?

My badge says "musician number three."

What do you think?

Okay, well, then I guess
I'll just have to sneak in.

Please, you're a heavy-footed,
loud-talking fool.

He is.

He's handsome Frankenstein.

- Well, then this is a job for...
- No.

- Stop.
- ... Waffle Man!

I will just have to
sneak in syrup-titiously.

Aw, where's Kat when you need her?

Hey, team. Y'all remember my
young friends Kelly and Shrub.

We slushed it up.

Brain freeze!

- Aw! Lucky!
- Aah!

What is happening?

What's happening is they
didn't bring us slushies.

That's what's happening.

Sup, girl?

"Sup" is not a word.

I'm a grown-ass woman. And nope.

Third time today. Roasted.

Hey. Shooters got to shoot.

You know how it is.

- Hells to the yeah, I know how it is.
- Uh-huh.

It's arduous out there
for a player, am I right?

Why don't y'all go upstairs?

I'll be right up to show you around.

Uh, do you have a microwave?

- Yeah.
- Sweet!

Pizza pockets all day!

- All day!
- All day!

Wait, you didn't adopt them, did you?

No, they're just renting my
place while they're in town.

And where'd you get that,
the Bad Idea Hall of Fame?

It's all part of the plan.

Renting out my apartment,
tutoring some kids in math.

Make a little extra cash,
the ole Ben Franklins.

By the way, can we get
that guy his own musical?

Where are you gonna stay?

Don't worry. I've got
it all figured out.

Um, sweet jams.

Uh, do you have any without cats?

Same question but for underwear.

You know she's gonna put
your drawers on, right?

Thank you for letting
me stay with you, Mother.

Of course, sweetheart.
You're always welcome.

It's not permanent, right?

We both know, if that were the case,

we'd end up on Dateline.

It's just temporary till I
can get my life back together.

Oh, dear God. Mm.

Uh, well, just sign here.

- What is this?
- It's a standard agreement.

It protects you as much
as it protects me, dear.

"Mother's bedroom is off-limits.

- "Tenants are on their own for breakfast.
- Mm-hmm.

$20-a-day resort fee"?

Well, it includes Internet

and access to the fitness center.

- You sure you don't want a security deposit as well?
- No.

I know you're tight on cash right now.

I'll just take any
damages out of my will.

- Hi there.
- Oh! Not again.

Well, you're...

better-looking than
most of my male groupies,

I'll give you that much.

Oh. I'm not a groupie.

I... Not that you
aren't very attractive.

Uh, because you are. Even-even
better in person, by the way.

Those eyes... wow.

Thank you. So what'll it be?

You want the selfie, the autograph

or a strand of my hair?

What?

Well, you can't have all three, brother.

Unless you pay the 99 bucks

- for the VIP Fan Club Package.
- Oh.

Right. Right.

I-I'm not here for any of that.

Uh, uh, my name is Max
Kingbird and I'm a huge fan.

And... whew, I'm also a songwriter.

And I'd like to play
something that I think

would be perfect for you.

- And...
- But...

First, do you think I
could grab some water?

I'm a little nervous. I get dry mouth.

Not a big sweater, except for my feet.

My shoes are like hot tubs right now.

That was dumb.

This song's not about any of this.

Listen, man, I'd love to hear it,

but I got a show to do in five minutes.

Perfect. My song's four and a half.

Why don't you leave a demo,
and I'm gonna go get ready.

- Okay.
- All right?

- Sure. Yeah.
- Okay.

- All right, thanks a lot, brother.
- Here it is. It's right here.

Thank you.

Next to the brie.

Aw, are you serious?!

I figure I'll never be alone
with you again, Robin Thicke.

* I look around and
something's different *

* Same old place that
I've always lived in *

* But the walls seem a
little bit crooked now *

* 'Cause you're not with me *

* Walk through the
park we played in *

* Everyone could see
there's something missing *

* Even the birds have
stopped their whistling now *

* They know I miss you *

* And then I call your name *

* And I look around *

* And you're not there. *

All right, pal, you can't be in here.

You called security on me.

Well, you did break
in to my dressing room.

You are correct.

I like the song, though.

Oh, my God, you do?

He likes the song. He likes my song.

He likes my song. Robin
Thicke likes my song.

Mm-hmm.

I've found that strolling helps
keep my stress levels down.

Really, Katharine, no incline?

So does locking the door.

At least speed things up.

Remember, sweat is
failure leaving the body.

Oh, also, Max is here.

What?! Oh!

- Oh!
- Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I'm-I'm fine.

How do you get off a treadmill?

Uh, door open? Closed?
Not sure what to do.

Katharine's never had a boy in here.

Closed, with you on
the other side of it.

Welcome to the seventh circle of hell.

I figured as much, that's
why I come bearing whiskey.

Oh. Well, that'll get
me through the night.

Can you bring more tomorrow?

What's going on with you?

Me? Uh, nothing much. I just...

Oh, wow, that's a lot of diaries.

Yeah. That's just
freshman year of college.

Oh, freshman year of college.

Is there anything about me in here?

What? No. No! No! No! No! Give it!

Geez.

Oh.

- This is my dad's graduation card for me.
- Aw.

"To my best gal-a-dictorian,
I'm so proud of you.

I'll be at the ceremony cheering

magna cum loudest of all."

Apple, tree.

I wish I was that good.

"Can't wait to see what the
future holds for my kitten.

I love you, Dad. P.S.

Forgot to do the rap
I wrote at breakfast.

Expect to hear it at your party."

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Notorious D.A.D.

Mo study, less problems.

That's why we have those journals.

I'm not giving my dad much to
be proud of these days, am I?

Stop.

Sure, you fall, but you
always pick yourself back up.

I know this because you fall a lot.

When I was little, they
sent me to a specialist.

Two grand to be diagnosed with "clumsy."

And that's why I still journal.

Listen, you gotta cut
yourself some slack.

You're just going through some stuff.

You'll get out the other side.

How are you so sure?

Because you're Kat Silver,
and your superpower is

that you're you.

Thank you.

You guys need a condom?

Okay, so, Kiera, how would you factor

four-X squared plus
four-X-Y plus Y-squared?

I wouldn't.

All right, why don't
we put the phone down

for a minute and focus on your homework.

'Cause I bet if factoring polynomials

had an Instagram page, you'd like it.

Have you ever been married?

That's not really relevant to algebra.

So no.

I'll have you know I was engaged.

It just didn't work out.

Was it because you're a
cat lady or a math nerd?

Okay, I think that's enough for today.

But my mom paid for an hour.
It's only been 52 minutes.

Oh, now you care about math?

You're right, I don't.

And by the way, would a nerd

be elected guest princess
at the jousting tournament

at the Renaissance Faire? Methinks not!

If you think you won that, methinks not.

I do not envy you having to
deal with kids these days.

They have the attention span of...

Oh, look, I'm getting a text.

You know, I think it's gonna be fine.

I'm starting to feel like
I have a way out of this.

You know? My tutoring
clients will bring in

about 400 bucks a month.

- What's that?
- It sounds like Mama's stomach

the last 20 minutes of church.

What the...

Uh-uh, I just got my hair
done. Call me when it's over.

Sup, 502?

- That tub turned itself on.
- Go!

Go, go, go, go!

Where am I gonna find the
money to pay for all this?

I know, I know. I have to fire Phil.

If you need it, I've got
a few bucks tucked away.

Dollywood will still be
spectacular next year.

Oh, you're so sweet.

Why is he so sweet?

It's like firing Santa
Claus and the Easter Bunny

smushed together and squeezed
into boys size-12 pants.

Phil, can we have a chat?

Surely, girly.

Um, we need to talk about your job.

Oh, it's not a job when
you're doing what you love.

It's just that, um...

Whew, gosh, how do I say
this without you hating me?

I could never hate you.

Besides, hate is just
love that needs a hug.

Oh, you're so folksy.

Well, I'm no folksier than a
pig wearing suspenders to church.

Okay, I don't get that one.

But, um, here's the thing.

I can't afford two employees.

And I think you know
where this is headed.

I do. Poor Randi.

Actually, Phil, I'm
gonna have to let you go.

Oh.

I'm so sorry. It's the
last thing I want to do.

It is just so much cheaper
to buy pastries wholesale.

Please don't be mad.

Oh, I'm not mad. I am furious!

Oh, well, is furious just
happiness that needs a hug?

I spend all day in that hot
sardine can of a kitchen!

All right, this is good.
Just get it all out.

Getting up at 4:00
in the blessed morning

to listen to you yammer on
about Max this, Oscar that.

"Oops, I slept with Nick!"

Okay, that's getting a little personal.

And then this is the thanks I get?

Good luck keeping this
place afloat without me!

I just have one thing left to say.

I hate cats!

- I already miss Phil.
- Me, too.

He used to challenge
me to tickle fights,

and I always said no.

Shoulda, coulda, woulda.

Hey, this is Max.

No more gossiping about
customers with Phil.

No more roasting your outfits.

That was more you than him.

Well, sometimes I gotta give him one

so I wouldn't come off too mean.

Obviously, I keep the
best ones for myself.

- Like this skirt...
- Yes, we all miss Phil.

Y'all know Phil's not dead, right?

I mean, he's still our friend.

- Even mine?
- Oh, hell no.

I-I can't believe it. This is amazing.

Yeah. Great. Okay, thanks again.

That sounded like good news.

No, it's no big deal.

It's just the singer
I met the other night.

- What singer?
- Robin Thicke.

Oh, so he decided not to press charges.

That's a load off, huh?

Robin Thicke? That's my
favorite judge on Masked Singer.

Super-hot Robin Thicke?

Super-hot what now?

Come on, baby, you know
he can pump up the tires,

but you the only one
that get to ride the bike.

I played him my song and he maybe...

wants to record it. I
don't know, whatever.

- Oh, my God!
- What?!

Why would you keep this a secret?

I mean, you call me
excited when you open

a shell with three peanuts.

Well, I mean, first of all,

that's awesome, 'cause, you know...

- Bonus peanut, but...
- Bonus peanut.

I feel weird taking a victory lap

when you're going
through such a hard time.

No, you should never be
afraid to share with me,

even if I'm having a hard time.

We share everything.

Like Robin Thicke's phone number.

Gimme, gimme, gimme...

It's been ten minutes.
Can I get that coffee?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oops, I spilled it.

Hey, Randi, when you get a chance,

one of the cats missed the litter box

and took a giant steaming
Nick on the floor.

Okay, very adult.

Oh, I'll just go get the Nick scooper.

- Hmm.
- What?

This isn't very good.

Are you kidding me?

I'm just saying, the
old ones were better.

Do you want to know why the
old ones were better, Nick?

The old ones were made by Phil.

Phil makes his with love. These are made

in some industrial kitchen in Pittsburgh

with an acceptable percentage of
bug parts, according to the FDA.

Okay, settle down.

Settle down? You want me to settle down?

I have a caf� to run. I
have cats to find homes for,

smug tweens to teach math
to against their will.

I mean, Nick, you came into my
life and you essentially ruined it!

You raised my rent, I had to
fire one of my best friends!

This, this is your fault!

It is all your fault! And I hate that...

Kat?

Help, I need help.

This is not a bit.

I don't want the cats to worry.

Just tell them Mommy's
gone to live on a farm.

Stop it, you're gonna be fine.

You don't know that.

What the hell is wrong with you?

I'm bad in an emergency.

It's better you find that out now.

All right, we'll meet
you at the hospital.

Oh, sweet baby Jesus!

Kat, I am so sorry!

When I made that voodoo doll,
I did not expect it to work.

Make one for Nick, and we're even.

I will.

Well, hello.

* I want to get you dancing *

* I want to see you move *

* I've waited so long, just ask me *

* Do anything for you *

* I want to see you move *

* I want to see you move. *

- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -