All language subtitles for Unicorn.City.2012.1080p.BluRay.x265-RARBG

No, you cannot graft the thumbs
of a dead orc onto your paws

just so you can hold a sword.

Is it not conceivable that I would have
at least a half thumb

from my grandmother' s
recessive gene?

Tygraxamus, you can't have a sword.

This is stupid. Weak.
Guys, this bickering

is totally ruining my
suspension of disbelf.

I mean, you lure me into a barnyard
of the coveted brain juice

justto corner me with these
bloodsucking bovine.

And your problem is?

I hate it.

Spontaneously growing appendages
in the middle of the campaign

disrupts my story's delicate balance.

Frickin' puss 'n boots carries a sword.

I warned you months
ago the ills of selecting

a feline digitagrade as your character.

You're killin'the game, shadow
hawk. Clancy, I'll protect you.

We're eatin'veal tonight.
Who's with me?

I'd follow you anywhere,
my liege. Epic.

With the song of old,
I, magmald teufelschlager,

will protect you from their mind control.

Sing with me. Aah—...

Voss, you can't do that.
I can't do what?

Sing. you have no vocal cords.

I'm a bardladin, okay?
Slaying and singing is what I do.

You are a wandering phantom trapped in the
astral plane.

You cut the umbilical cord that
tethered your soul to the mortal world.

Your body is back at the Glen.

I didn't cut my cord.
Pat, did I cut my cord? No cords were cut.

You tried sharpening your sword on it.

No, I wasn't.

Yes. No.

Yes. No.

Yep. Yep. No, there was no sharpening.

Yep. Yep.
You're having a senior moment!

Personal attacks. Very mature.

Every time magmald defies
one of your lame monsters,

your reap vengeance
on a member of the guild.

And you're creating monsters that
don't even exist in the known universe.

Release moon—strider from the pale Ruby.

Let me come down from the astral plane.

Give tygraxamus some thumbs! Yeah!

May I remind you, it's "d—— of——d"

"dawn of days" —— my game, my creation!

If you don't like it, voss,

why don't you go join another guild?

But stop picking apart my narrative

in some desperate attempt for attention!

Yaahhh!

Three hundred dollars?

Come on, Gary, I can get a couple of
pristine plastic tables for 20 bucks.

Mr. Gary says this is for punitive damages

for the other times you popped your lid and
scared customers away.

Personally, ithink
it' s pretty gracious

considering he could press charges.

Why does he have my sword? To
ensure that Mr. Gary is paid in full.

Or you could take a ride.

Oh, that sucks.

What's worse is he's never gonna
last in prison,

not with a pretty face like that.

Oh, that's pat—pat. I gotta go.

I'll talk to you later. I'll think
positive. Tell me what happens.

Oh!

You've been wearing
my magnets. I can tell.

Your complexion is less...

Oi ly.

Admit it. The therapy works.

Uh, yeah. Thanks for...
Letting me use them.

Oh, stay your hand.

Have you tried sleeping with them?

I find my dreams change color
depending on where I place them.

I'm leaving.

Voss.

My freak in 'hard drive. Oh!

Oh, man!

So, how was working with your brother?

I don't know. Maybe it's coming
from the gaming industry

to, uh, food service,
but I can't do it.

You know, they don't
even have benefits?

You're gonna have to get a job
at some point, right?

You can come work
at digicert with me.

Oh, no, actually, I have my interview
with warlocks of the beach, so

warlocks of the—— of the beach?

Yeah, that's the one that's gonna
take you to Seattle?

Yeah. And that's—— this is a good thing.

This is great... for
you. This is your dream.

Yeah. I'm gonna sell ' em on my
new ideas for that gaming scenario.

I figure it' stime for me
to move up, so...

And that's it. Oh—...

Um, I'll see ya tomorrow.

You know what? Actually, um,

I have some good news of my own.

Did you know that I've been
dating someone online?

Yeah, I remember.

Oh.you—— you do. Okay, well...

I wanted to show you.

His name is tanick stormblade.

He's a rogue, huh? Those are
sweet heroic shoulder pads.

Yeah, when we melee together, it's like
we've done so in a former life.

As you can imagine, our
relationship is very special,

and so after months of
online courtship,

I feel his intentions are noble...

And so tomorrow we're
meeting for hoagies.

Sweet. Be careful.

I—— I will.

But if he does the same thing
Samantha did...

You and Samantha broke up?

Yeah. She said she wanted
somebody more responsible.

I am—— I' m so sorry about that.

I—— I' m so sorry... to hear that.

Let's—— do you want to
talk about this? Nope.

But hey, if tanick hurts you,
let me know,

I'll find his character online
and kick its ass.

Thank you... voss.

The most important lesson in life

is that you are what
you pretend to be.

Did you pull that out of
a fortune cookie?

It's the secret to
surviving this world.

You want to be a knight,
pretend you're a knight

and live bytheir code
and think like one.

And in the end, you are——a knight.

"Well, I'm just tired of
wasting my life,

not being productive.

Ya know, I could be outthere just,
like, doing...

"Oh, hey. Where'svoss?"

He's not—— iwill break your liver.

You didn't show up
atthetaco shop.

Aaah! Clancy!

You said that your unemployment
would help me pay the rent...

Ow!!!! And then you told me
that you'd have a job,

what was that, five, six months ago?

Ow! Ow!

I'm sensing a pattern here.
I don't like it.

Ow! I have my meeting with
warlocks of the beach, right?!

I'm not going
smelling like a fish taco!

Now, this is a new choke hold I
learned tonight from Jackson the mighty.

It's a ballet of violence, brother...

A ballet of violence.

Unh! Plie... sashay...

I have my interview tomorrow!

You tellin' me the truth? Yeah?

'Cause if you're lying, then
you're out of here, bro.

Why don't you choke
Clancy anymore?

Because Clancy participates,
helps me paythe rent.

And look at him...

Ha! Can't handle my rhythm.

Right, clance? Yeah.

Yeah... yeah.

Pan sy.

I held out for twice that long.

Tapping is for suckers.

What'd you guys eat? Bok choy.

Bok choy?

Hey. Hey, bro.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Hey, there he is.

Hey... do you feel all tingly?

Uh—huh.

I love that.

Yah! Yah!

Yah!

Thanks.

I have to tell you
something serious.

I haven't been honest...

About my feelings.

I'm in love with someone else.

Very——real.

Okay. Um, I'm sorry

thati led you on

atthetavern of the green dragon.

It's not you. It's me.

We can still... fight together,

just... not as often.

Tanick.tanick.

Tanick?

Ohh! Yah!

Tanick?

Tanick?

I'm an awful person.

Hi.

What's wrong?

I want to create a love interest
for rashan na

to experience for the
duration of this campaign,

and I really like the idea of her falling
in love with your character.

And I've already created
a backstory

how she lost her husband to
a freak white dragon accident

and is now in tremendous
mental turmoil

because of her sudden rebound,

so she's very vulnerable

and she needs somebody
to protect her.

But magmald went celibate.

We can work around that.

Handwritten resume.

Never seen one in calligraphy.

Thanks.

You realize this job requires you to
move to our headquarters in Seattle?

I' m not at Liberty to tell you too
much aboutthe project

other than it', s an a.R.G.,
alternative reality game,

a blend of online
and offline gaming.

Epic.

The game director position is not
gonna be an easy one.

You are gonna have to manage a
team of over 15 people

and... I'm not seeing anything
on your resume

look, I'm, uh, I'm the leader
of a—— of a guild.

My main character
actually has a full set

of fifth tier heroic level— yeah.

I've also spent more
than 3900 hours—...

Look I've seen over 50 people
for this position,

and they're all saying the same thing
over and over again.

If you want this job,

you need to stand out
and prove to me

that you're the complete package.

Gamer? Yeah.

Leader...?

I can lead people, sir.

Look, I'm not gonna make a
decision for another week.

Can you put together something
in the next day or two

that will prove to me that
you can lead people?

Yeah.

I look forward to seeing
what you bring back.

Me too.

Why can', t I do that?

It doesn't make any sense. Why can't
I go through the high plains pass?

Voss, it's your brother! You were supposed
to be here 17 minutes ago! Where are——you?

If you are not here in five minutes,

I swear to you I am
doubling your rent,

and if I see you, I will choke you out!

It wasn't snowing.
What the hell are you talkin' about?!

You said it was fall, not winter!

Well, let's see. Theturtlebuds
haven't bloomed yet,

all the rabbits have gone south,

as well as the plains wolves,

which is the only food source
for the beast lord.

So that would make it,
ithink——uh, yeah——winter.

Bullcrap.

Right?

Right? Am I right? Hi.

Right? Right? Yeah!

Come on, fantasy pants, what are
you gonna change now?

I'm incredibly unsatisfied with the
particular inconsistencies of this game.

I'm just sayin'.

I have avote I'd like to
bring beforethe guild.

I have a lot of friends that
would like to join this game,

but unfortunately, it sucks three things:

Turkey balls, troll, and ass.

I would like to propose that
I become the new game master

and manage the rest of this campaign.

I can promise you by next Friday

we'll have at least a dozen
new people involved.

That includes healers.

Who agrees?

It's settled, then.
I'll run the guild this week.

This is my——campaign.

No, it's not! We took a vote!

Voss!

It's the role—playing.
My character's a barbarian,

has some control issues.

Well...

I think I could give it a go
under one condition:

That you...

Destroy... the beast lord.

Bring it, weak sauce.

And if you lose, magmald dies,

never to be resurrected,

and you——have to leave the guild forever.

Don't do it. Don't do it.

Don't ——do it. Let's do it.

I cast righteous indignation.

That's a 15—foot barrier of
protection against projectiles.

I'll also be drinking
my potion of bull strength.

Don't forget fire. Resistance to fire.

Ah ah ah ah ah... I come down
from the astral plane—...

Which iwas never in—...

And raise my sword to heronius,

adding plus—three to my hit and damage.

Well...

That's... pretty hot stuff.

Why don't you roll
a saving throw

against the beast lord's
psyonic death stare, while you're at it?

Come on, man! When did
the beast lord get psyonics?!

When he was a baby beast lord?

Whatever. Let's do this.

A critical failure.

Unless you roll something greater
than eight, you will die.

Thank you.

"Five, five, five, five, five."

Well... the dice don't lie.

It's just a game.

What, your Pegasus get ringworm?

Have to be put down?

Shut up.

Boronius!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhmq

aaaaaahhh...,

I was born in the wrong universe.

Phhht. That...

Was horrible.

This is a play about forbidden love.

It's in the words.

Feel it in your loins.

Yes, sir.

Let's try again, shall we?
Yes, sir.

Okay. Places. Okay, yeah.

Action.

Unh!

Four ages shall pass...

But I will be patient...

Hoping for the day

when I shall again see you
face—to—face...

My darling little Sushi roll.

Our love shall be

like a disgraced samurai... yes? What?

Impaled with his own sword. Oh.

Well—— everyone out.

Off the stage! Let' s go.

Hmm.

Hello.

Of all the invitations I've given you,

for what reason do you grace
this pleasant stage?

After we find the brain juice,

what if rashan na goes
to the hills of monyar

and finds a rod of resurrection
to bring magmald back?

That would divert too much
attention from the narrative.

More importantthan
voss' tattered ego

is that you've come
to see my play.

It's an unlikely love story

about a woman...

Who loves——a man.

Is there—— is there anything that
the guild can do for voss?

The only ointment for someone
feeling sorry for themselves, my darling,

is to help them realize thatthey suck.

Morning, sunshine.
What happened with that interview?

It's really close between me
and one other guy.

I got you set up Monday morning.
Taco shop. Be there.

It's Marsha.

Sorry.

Hey, Marsha. Would you like to
come over for breakfast chicken?

Hello.

I made you something.

It's a cape, and, uh, it has
flannel on the inside

so it can double as a blanket
and keep you warm.

Oh.thank you, Marsha.

Absolutely.

Oh, wow.

Clancy.

H e's... total—...

He's here. This is so
unexpectedly awesome.

This is so great.

That's a pretty dress. Thanks.

Mmm.

I think that we should start
our very own campaign.

Um, I was mulling some story points
around justthis morning.

Uh, listen: "A wicked hobgoblin king

"enslaves avillage
of egg—laying gnomes,

"forcing them to hard labor
and into the swamps."

I mean, I could see our combined
sacrifice to save them

as being just shy of legendary.

And also, th e...

Love interest idea, which I
mentioned the other day,

between magmald and rashanna...

Could easily be folded
into this plot line,

which ithink is necessary.

I don't get what a surface—dwelling
hobgoblin has to do with the svirfneblin.

I'm glad you said something.

I think Clancy's just
trying to say that

you can't up and willy—nilly
a campaign together.

I know. I mean, right.

I—— I guess I was justthinking

thatthe entire guild would
abandon shadow hawk if—...

If they knew that you were
creating your own new guild.

I mean, they' ve always trusted
your leadership in the game,

so why wouldn tthey trust
you in real life?

But that's stupid.

What?

Do you need the heimlich?

Magmald.

"Yeah. Uh—huh, yeah. Yeah? Okay!"

Explain.

I figured out how I'm gonna
get the job at warlock.

Oh. I'm gonna create a land of
magic and wonder.

I'm gonna show 'em how I can
handle a group of six or...

Sixteen people in an
out—of—th e—box kind of way.

Awesome!

And I need you to
document everything.

I need you to take notes and——
And film—...

O—okay. I'll getthe
guild on the phone,

I'll tell 'em exactly
what we're doing.

I love that. No, I hate that.

Because they can't know
I'm doing it for a job,

they won't be themselves.
Oh, right.

So I have to tell them...
What, then?

I' m creating a utopia for gamers.

Oh, I love——that.

Excellent. Call the guild.

Yeah.

What up, doc?—— hold for voss.

Oh, hey, marsh. What's up?

Patty melt! What's up, buddy?

Angie and I are just
biting into frozen yogurt.

Uh, yeah, I need you to meet me at the
corner of state and fourth

with your tent, your gear, and Angie.

Why? What for, man?—— just do it!
Doesn't matter why.

Why didn't you guys wait for me?

Waffle and wok, this is rhubarb.
Rhubarb...

I got somethin' big, something epic
going on, ginormous. I'm gonna need you.

What's goin' down?

Hello? Dude, I can't play
on the phone.

I don't want to!

And I got customers.
Who is that?

Who's with you?

You're breakin' up.

No, uh, I distinctly heard
somebody in the background.

Come again?
It's shadow hawk, isn't it?

You got a crappy phone.

You're hanging——— hello?

I'm losing you, man.

Well, he's not invited,
so ditch him.

No, really.

Who is that?

I totally forgot I volu nteered
to help this old lady

who lost some toes in a battle...

With diabetes?

It's sad.

I gotta go. Text me.

Ohh!

I'm gonna change
and get my stuff, okay?

Check it.

It sought me out.
It's my holy avenger.

Open the back.

Do it.

Dude, where's Clancy going?

And where's your outfit, man?

Don't worry about it, pat man.
I'm taking care of business.

Mom, wants me back by seven.
Where we're goin' you don't need a mom.

Sweet. You gettin'this?

Wait. Wait.

Slow pan, into the zoom, a single...

You have just entered a new realm.

You are now quite literally
your characters.

You will act like your characters,

you will be your characters.

And through them, we shall
create a utopia.

You are now in unk—tar town,

a small fishing village on
the shores of the deserted sea.

Carrion birds circle above...

And then we look down.

We are standing among what appears to be

two dozen human remains.

Their intestines scatterd,
holes in their skulls,

and black scarring on their faces.

Infamous skull ciphers.

Yahhh!!!

Yahhh!

Yahhh!

Now.

Ohh! Whoa!

Whoa.

Arm you rselves!

Form up!

You primordial maggot pukes!

It was foolish of you to think
you can claim my spoils.

Now I shall devour you!

Charge!!!

I'm hit! Heal me! Heal me!

Come on, get in there! Kill! Kill!

Come on, everybody! Focus! Whoo!

Insolent wimps, all of you!

Ohh! Crap! Hell's spawn.

Split up!

That's it! Together now!

Dang it.

Hyahh!

Go for the lips.

Aaah!

That's acid!

No! No!!!

Oh, take 40 acid damage, Marsha.

Everybody fall back!

Launch the magic missile!

Magic missile—— not yet!

Now! Magic missile!

We are no longer heroes of the imagination.

We are taking this adventure
to the next level.

Tell everyone you know

and welcome... to unicorn city.

This is it. This is everybody
we know?

Where's Gary and Trevor?

Um, well, Gary had jury duty,

and Trevor's mom said that
our camp is satanic.

Whatever.

Hold, please.

Next. Name and former life?

Hi. My name is Kathy.
I work in whole foods.

My character's name is tearsumina,

and my powers are somewhere
in the field of seduction.

A succubus, huh?

Should we be inviting evil into the camp?

Welcome.

Hold.

Once you go centaur...

Yeah, we know.

Aah.

Whattook you so long?
Nice map, ace.

Someone followed me.
Shadow hawk.

A—n—t, baby, a—n—t.

Ant?

Ain't nothing. Circled back,
lost him in, like, women's apparel

or canned foods.

You gotta trust the Ruby, baby.

So what's the haps out here?

We gonna party or what?

Congregate, get tog eth er,

gather up.

Everyon e's tog eth er,

but I've already received eight
complaints about clodnar's codpiece.

Ya I can see it. I'm gonna go ahead
and take care of that in private.

Thank you.

Okay. Um...

Before we send out the npcs—...

I have some business to take care of.

Rhubarb!

I'm listenin'

ithink we all learned
something thetreasure hunt.

And now it's time to take
things to the next level.

Unicorn city is an intricate web of equal
opportunity disciplines and rules

based on an extremely fair
role playing system.

You can find these rules on
page four of your citizenship manual.

You will also see there is an area for
you to draw a picture of your character

which Marsha will evaluate at a later
time for possible experience points.

You can also show your
support for unicorn city

through atax—deductible pledge.

And voss, I would like to donate,
to unicorn city, a dollar.

Oh, my gosh, Marsha, now we know
how much it means to you.

Make sure that gets all the way around.

Our first order of action is to see
how well you handle

my leadership under a
threat level of one.

This shouldn't bet o difficult people.

Friend of the forest, what's wrong.

It was terrible, terrible.

It moved so fast we never saw it.

Oh, my wife and children. Oh, the carnage.

We shall avenge your pain.

Everyone find your buddy. Move out calmly.

Stay in a nice orderly fashion.

Since I've submitted
to all of this,

will you be my buddy? Yeah, sure.

Who took the dollar?!

Hey, voss, will you deduct
points if I stay?

You will not lose any
experience points.

In face, I will award you 200
points for guarding the encampment

and any trash that you pick up.

Let's do this!

Meow!

Mmm! Mmm!

Go!

Arggh! Down!

This is so exciting!

Totally.

Aaaah!

Sorry.

I guess itripped.

Marsha, are you crazy?

She needs some room.

As bardladin I sing,

life, back to your life

spirit back to its shell

tearsumina

be well.

Okay.

Somebody cast a spell to offset
thetemporary effects of death.

Bzzzzt. This was a failure.

Clodnar, contact the npcs.

We're returning to camp.

In rural areas, automobiles...

Kill more deer than hunters. False!

Why? Because that sentence is
an example of a dangling modifier.

Ten out of ten on grammar. Yes!

With my default student
loan status cleared up,

I' m in this time!

The highway patrol will
be compelled to have me!

Bogie! 12 o' clock!

Eleven o' clock, ten o' clock,
nine o' clock, eight o' clock!

You see that? Saw it.

What are you doing out here?

Nothing. I' m not doing
anything. Just—— just walking.

Are you alone?

Just me.

Mooners?

Mooners!

Um, I'm positive,

I' m pretty sure, that
moon—strider is missing.

Moon—strider!

I need atracker!

Yeah.

Moon—strider is missing.

I' m on it.

Great. I have lost a 25—year—old German.

Please don't make note of that.

These are moon—strider's prints all right,

but there's two other sets over there.

Which means he pansied out and
his mom and dad came and got him.

What a wuss. And what, left his
allegiance cards back at camp?

I Don' tthink so. Okay,
so then he was abducted?

It was the same cops

that took your sword at hastur's.

And then what? I have to pay
$150 for loitering.

My mother' s gonna kill me.

Do they know the rest of us are here?

No, because... I lied.

It was a noble lie.

One hundred experience points
for moon—strider' s lie. You got it.

Okay, ithink we should move the camp.

No, all we need is surveillance.

Okay, that' swhat we're
gonna do. Surveillance.

Who has nightvision?

How powerful is it?

Okay. Yeah, that's great.

Okay, listen to me.

One blow for danger, two blows
for all clear.

Fly!

We are screwed.

Did you just see how he ran?

That was—— I've never seen
anything likethat, really.

I guess—— I just—...

I Don't know exactly what it is,

I mean, I know this city means
everything to him,

and he's gotthat job, and he's gonna—...

I get that—— what job?

Um... the job where—...

The job—— the job where he's
the leader of this—— this camp.

Oh. Yeah.

I' m just saying,

I feel like I should quit
because he doesn' t need me.

Ohh. Marsha, why are you
always, unhh, every time?

I Don't unhh everytime.
Yes, you do.

You just need to get out of
your comfort zone

and you need to do something risky.

Unhh.

Do you even really want to be with him?

Then do you trust me? Yeah.

Okay. Are you willing to do exactly
what I tell you to do?

Yes.

Okay.

Ah em.

It has been brought to my attention

that while rhubarb was out in the
trees taking care of business,

someonetook his better half for
a little joyride and flattened atire.

Shame on you.

Shame. On. You.

On page three of your manuals,
it clearly states

Unless you are athief

or have at least seven
thieving skill points,

you are not allowed to steal.

If you are caught doing so,
you will be sent home.

We are not the undead, people,
so let's not act like it.

Thanks.

Whoo! Ugh.

Yeah! Whoo!

Yeah!

That was so stupid!
No, no, it was amazing!

You did so great.
I'm definitely leaving now.

Did you even see yourself?

Okay, so voss is coming. Just be
mean. Tell him that hate him. What?

What? Oh, my gosh.

Hey, that was, um...

It was really... different.

Did, uh, did Angie put you up to that?

Oh. Hey, voss.

Um, so, quargooz called his cousins,

and we're gonna have, like, a huge
influx of gamers tomorrow.

I thought maybe you knew
somebody who knew somebody

that knew someone that worked
at one of the news stations?

Yeah. Mm—hmm. Maybe.

I mean, I don't know. Whatever.

Okay, cool.

I broke up with tanick stormblade.

Um... sorry.

I' m not.

Okay. Um, look,

it's freezing.

Why don't you come back to the fire?

I'm sorry.

No, I—— yeah, I'm sorry.
That was stupid.

That was my bad.
I don't even know—...

You okay? Sorry!

I'm an idiot.

How do I look? Great.

Um, pat was asking about a meal plan.
I don't know—...

I need you to stand right about here.

Get a picture of me shaking their hands.

You got it.

So I hear you two were kissing last night.

Oh... sorry.

It's okay. Welcome to unicorn city.

Ah, yes. Unicrap city.

Hmm. Looks just like the brochure.

What are you doing here? Hmm?

Shadow hawk looks like a pimp.

Did you tell him what I was
doing out here?

No. No, of course not.

Ah... the land.

Where's rhubarb?

Is anybody hungry? We have
flapjacks on the grill!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where do you think
you're going, clodnar?

No, no, no, no. You're gonna finish
digging your section of the moat.

Oh, it's yummy!

Nobody moves.

We have swine on the spit.

Turkey swine, but swine nonetheless.

You lost him in canned foods?

You led him straight to our camp!

I'm going potty!

Hitthe sod! Cops!

And why in heronius' s name did
you tell everyone about us kissing?

I didn't. I swear I—— I didn't.

Well, how does Clancy know?

Well, uh, Angie. Angie! That's great.

How am I supposed to manage people

if they allthink I'm trying to
scam on the citizens?

Which I'm not, 'causethat wouldn
t be a safe working environment.

Well, it doesn't matter
if you like me, does it?

I mean—— can we just
stay focused on the goal?

Which is to get me a job, remember?

Right. Right.

So... just stay focused.

Well, you don't have to be
so mean about it.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

Like another pancake up there?

Come one, come all!

There's nothing like a spot
of food in the morning, eh?

Grace us with your presence while
we grace you with our food.

How many more of those do you have?

Enough. What's in it for me?

This is utopia, brother. We're supposed
to share everything.

And? I got a buck.

That ain't gonna cut it.

Nothing in this world's free, man.
Nothin'.

More.

More.

All rightie.

How many do you want? Nine.

We'll start with two. See me later.

Get down! Everybody down!

Hey.

Hi! I'm looking for... voss.

Is he here? Uh, I'm voss.

Kay crossland. Channel four news.

I want to do a special on the
nine o'clock spot this evening.

Do you have time for a brief interview?

Absolutely! Good.

The axis mundi,

the psychic universe,

where it's as if it
works on a cosmic level,

every planet pulling the energy
from this very unicorn—...

Great. That's just great.

So, how would you state that
for the layman?

I wouldn't. If you don't understand
that, you're probably not a gamer

and shouldn't be coming to the corn.
Okay!

I think we're ready for the money shot.

Uh, I could havethe guild
make a little pyramid...

Be aboutthere. Something bigger.

Like you standing triumphantly
on a mountaintop.

Absolutely. I'm this close to

getting that job. I
wish I could go with you.

Listen, I need you to be thinking of
awayto get shadow hawk out of here

before I get back. All right, yeah, yeah.

Voss. Um...

I, uh...

That's your good side.

All right. Well, I'll see ya.

She said I should come along,

maybe use me for some shots.

Oh, boy, we are really burning daylight.

Okay, that's our mountain up there,

and let's just Blaze atrail

right up to that tree.

Okay, let's go! Hut, hut, hike!

Hup, hup, hup! Let's go!
All right! Hurry!

Bob, prep the camera. I gotta get my notes.

How did we not see that coming?

We're such idiots, man.

Like, there were no channel
numbers on the Van.

And then we got in, they're like, hey,
you want some candy?

Sure! Take us to an undisclosed
location and dump our bodies.

And then, like, you, you're all serious—...

Shut up! All right? Shut up! I get it!

You shut up. You know what?

When we get back I want you to
get your crap and get out of the city,

you're banished to the apartment.

Okay, good. Because this is stupid city!

Yeah, so go. It's hot, and it's—— it's—...

Gross—— yeah. Run!

Run, little kitty, be free! I will!

Okay, great! And I'll
be free with my sword!

Don'ttouch it! It's my sword!

Do not touch the sword!
Because you stole it!

Stop it! You—...

Oh, do it. Oh, I—— I would love for you
to do that again.

Don't—— don't—— sword—...

Don't——...

Shut up!

Huh?

Get up.

Why don't you be a man? Thay's it!

You got it now—— why don't you be a man?!

I heard mythroat crunch.

Clancy, come back, man. I'm sorry!

Uhh! Where's Clancy?

You're the only one who stayed.

We're the last ones. Not exactly.

Um, the knight actually is still here.

What's up, dude——ohh! Yeah.

When we were running low
on t.P., he improvised,

and we think it's poison oak.
What should we do?

I don't know. Let it air out.

I'm gonna go kill shadow hawk.

I talked to him about that,

and he said he wasn't involved. So I—...

Really, because I can't imagine anyone else
who would me in the desertto die

for his own amusement.
You don't want to kill anyone.

You don't want to make a fool
out of yourself.

Ohh! Ow!

Oh, my gosh! Are you okay? Stupid moot!

Oh, darny—darn it!

Are you okay? Seriously, what's wrong?

No, let me see it. Are you okay?

Are you okay?

It looked like it really hurt.

I mean, you really biffed it.

Can I do anything?

I learned at girls' camp you
shouldn't take your shoe off.

And maybe we should elevate it?

I'd be more than happy to help bind it,
or... or hold it up.

Hello?

Where are you? Are you okay?

It's probably reallythrobbing.

My lady rashan na.

A challenge has been made

for the leadership of unicron city.

It's unicorn.
Whoever wins the challenge,

shall be the leader.

Whoever loses...

Shall be the loser and may never
come back again.

Agreed? Aye!

I'm gonna club you like a baby seal.

Since you extended the challenge, voss,

I choose the weapon.

I choose wit.

What? A battle of wits.

Wits is not aweapon. Thetongue
is mightier than the sword.

Bullcrap! We're gonna do this like
men and beat the hell out of each other!

Under the code of the bardlidans,
to which you are bound,

I may choose the weapon—...

And it doesn't state what manner of weapon.

Am I right, Marsha?

I shall throw down
the gauntlet and go first.

Atroll and an elf are walking down
a pebbled path together.

Oh, no. Story problems.

Thetroll is carrying 20 pounds of pastries;

the elf has a bundle of sticks
weighing 50 pounds.

Which one will getto the end first?
You have ten seconds.

Tick, tock...

Tick tock, tick...

Tock—...

Thetroll! Because the troll
would eatthe elf!

Wrong.——both—— because the elf
is in——thetroll.

No, it's the troll! Let's just assume

that story problems are beyond
your cranial capacity,

and we'll move into the ancient art
of maternal insults,

shall we?

Your mother...

Smokes troll malarkey in a corncob pipe.

Your mom...

Dated a dragon.

Hmm.

Iwin!

Now it's time for you to go home

walk home, walk home
you would all give up your honor

for pancakes and couple of orcs!

No, voss!

Marsha—...

Hold him back!

As rightful leader of unicron city,

I will enact righteous judgment
thatvoss be banished!

Do any oppose?

Go!

Are you all right?

Walk away, voss.

Walk away in shame!

Voss!

Voss.

Magmald and rashanna's love
can endure this.

Magmald and rashan na?

This is over.

This was a game to get a job,

and it failed.

I know this is a game, voss, I'm not—...

I'm talking about us. We're not a game.

I don't know what you're trying to
start between us through our characters,

but it's not gonna work, okay?

We're not gonna live happily ever after.

I'm notyour knight,
I'm not gonna save you.

What about our kiss?

Our—— our kiss was part of all this
magic and wonder.

So... so you were just playing a part?

Yeah.

It didn't mean anything?

Right.

Do me a favor.

The nexttime that you see your character,

tell him that ithink he's an ass!

Ijustthink I need to leave.

Marsha, you are in no——condition
to walk miles back to town.

You suffered blunt—forcetrauma!
I need to leave. I just—...

No. Marsha, you stood directly
in front of that pipe

which was aimed at me.

How many fingers am I holding up? Two.

You see? I was holding up one.

Now, please allow me to return the favor.

Hmm? I have a cold pack inside
which we can apply,

and it'll help to bring
down the swelling.

Come! Okay.

Well—— it's very cold.

Really cold? Ice cold.

Aaah! That's it, bro.

I gave you many chances.
You're out of here!

No! No!

You don't show up at the taco shop,

so pack up your stuff, bro... and go.

Where you goin'?

I'm joining the marines to get a sword.

Right. Or the national guard
or whatever.

Because unlike someone here,
I know what's important.

So you go ahead and leave.
Go get your sword.

You don't get it.

She is in love——with you.

Come on, Clancy. We're friends.
Oh, just friends.

That makes more sense, because I
thought you were treating her that way

because you're a big dumb—ass.

But nowthati know you're
just friends, —— that—...

Get out. Ya know, one of these days

someone's gonna come along
and sweep her off her feet...

And then you'll realize what you had.

I'd wish you good luck, but...

You're probably gonna screw it up.

Aaaaaaah!!!!

Aaaah! Aaaah!

Aaaah! What, what, what, what?!

Oh, man. Okay, count of three, right?

One. Sorry, bro.

On there.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Release toxins.

Release thetoxins.

The doc is in the house.

There. Good now. You all right?

Ohh! Thanks for that.

Hey, uh...

Clancy was right.

About Marsha?

What are these supposed to do exactly?

Well, I freeze magnets just
for occasions like this.

The cold helps to bring down the swelling,

and the magnets increase circulation.

Hmm.

Oh, you don't have to do that. With
the correct amount of pressure,

okay. We can release all of
the negative energy

and quicken the rate at which
the swelling will go down.

So if I press here...

I'm actually sending and receiving
messages from your kidneys.

Hello, Mr. Kidney.

26—charlie, copy detail.—...

Suspicious persons trespassing on county
build site, possible 604. Use caution.

So when are you retiring, again?

Rashan na...

Rashan na. That's very pretty.

Where did you come up with
that character name?

Um, the Egyptian sun god and
a friend from the 8th grade.

How about you? How'd you come up
with shadow hawk?

That's atemporary character name.

What do you mean?

Well, I...

I didn't want to tell you
my real character name.

Why not? I was shy.

I'm confused.

My real character name is...

Tanick stormblade.

What?! I was so excited to tell you,

butthen you broke up with me!

I wanted you to judge me on
mytrue character, not on my age.

You said you were 26!
I wasn't being honest,

but—— buti am——being honest
when itell you that...

I'm so —— into you.

Oh, that's gross.

Whatthe——?
It's like a geek breeding ground.

Do you know how hard

it was to be in the guild with you

without the abilityto reach out
and touch you,

to never speak the words
that just ached to be said?

No. Aaaah...

But here we are together... again.

Like the forces were pulling us together...
Like magnets!

Well, then how can I show you
the depth of my love?

By letting me out.

Rather, how about if I recite a sonata?

Let me out!

No! I' m just trying to leave!

I—— I——...

I didn' t—— no, no, no—— I just wantto—...

Please! I' m just going—— wait—...

You dirty old man.

I oughta shankyou right now
and save thetaxpayers—...

There's a reason there's no trespassing!

This is a super fund site!

The entire ground is poisoned!

You're probably gonna have
two—headed babies!

Be careful, everyone!

The ground is poisoned!

The ground is poisoned! It's poisoned.

It's poisoned.

The ground is poisoned.

Whoop! Well, what are you gonna do now?

Slap some plastic cuffs on me
and sing me happy birthday?

Hmm?

Come again?

Come off it.

How much did voss payto hire
this pathetic performance?

I want everyone to take five steps back

and get face down on the ground now!!!

Well, that was almost believable.

Get down on your knees

and put your hands behind your back.

Do it!

Aaah!

Aaaaah!

Mooner! Run! Run!

Mooners.

Ow!!!

What did you do to Marsha?

Of course——you'd come back!

Hands off of him!

Mooner, get up!
Hands in the air now!

Hands where I can see' em!
Okay! I'm just gonna—...

Put your hands up! Get your hands up!

I need my pills!

I'm sorry—— hands in the air!

Aaahh... yahh!

Girl, I am now gonna count! One...

Aaaahh...

Aaaahhh!!!

Uhh!

Ohh!

Voss.

Voss!

That. Hurt. So. Bad.

I knew you'd come back for me.

Get' em over here! Don't split up!

Don't make any sudden movements!
You're gonna spook' em!

Get' em over here!

Hamwater, what are you doing?!

Listen, magmald's in my pocket.

See if you can reach back and cut us free.

Okay. On three, okay?

One, two, three.

Got him? Yeah.

Aahh! You got it!

Aah. Okay.

Uhh. I'm —— I'm good.

Hold this.

Take her to safety! Stop for no one! Go!

Hamwater!

What is the matter with you?!

Thanks.

Stop moving!

Don't move!

Stay right where you are!

Friends of the guild! Look to the bard!

From his song we gather strength,
and charge!

We gath er strength, and chaaaaarge!!!

Get in formation!

Shields!

Off—— officers in need of assistance!

Chaaaaarge!!!!

Start the car!!!

Did we not repulse the charging
horde's onslaught?

Yeah!!!

I do not deserve to be your leader.
I deceived you.

I used you to get a job.
And for that, I'm sorry.

We can start over again. It will be
a new beginning.

Yeah!!!!

If you will take me again as your leader,

I will make the citythrive once again!

So that all may live in peace against
tyran NY and aggression

From those—...

Drop your weapons and
get on the ground now!

Get down now!——
Stay down on the ground—...

Move! Get down, Peter Pan!

All rightie, then.

You can get down now!

I'd like all of you to
approach the bench.

What in the world—— were you doing——
Outthere?

Nothing... sir.

Creating a utopia for gamers.

Is that right?

I bet you could have a lot of
fun in a place like that.

I'll bet you could get a lot of
families to show up,

maybe some at—risk youth
to help setthings up.

I'm giving you all 800 hours
of community service...

To build your unicorn city
at the municipal park.

And it better be good.

I'll drop itto 700 hours if I can be king.

Yes, your majesty.

Cradle it.

Cradle it like a baby.

Softly—— what are you doing?

That's atortilla—wrapped
gut—ache. Seriously,

how much cabbage you think one person can
consume in one sitting?

I don't care. Okay? I don't have
to do this. I'm too good for this.

I'm so glad that you are
happy in taco town,

but I'm out.

Is that what you think of me?
That you're better than me?

Well, you're not, bro!

Tacos are awesome!
This restaurant is my life!

Drop your weapons and
get on the ground——now!

You got arrested trying to get
a job with us?

Yeah.

You got the job, man. Are you serious?

I've never seen anyone go to
these lengths for a job.

So how soon before you
can move up to Seattle?

Um...

I have some community service
to finish, but...

Sure. Take as much time as you need.

Do you mind if I showthis
to some of the guys?

No.

I thought you were gonna organize a canned
food drive or something,

but this? This is amazing.

Oh. Oh...

Hey.

You got the job.

No.

I'm really sorry. I—...

It's okay. Uh...

I can live with it.

Here.

See ya upthere.

As king of this fair land,

I wish to welcome you all
to the official opening of...

Unicorn city!

Finally!

Go!

Whoo!

That's a fiver by the way.

Lords and ladies,

di Tom inpaderi vero.

Baby. I know this.

I studied all night for,
like, a half hour, okay?

You make up a language
and you force me to use it.

It's very difficult, okay?

Al castiba...

El wunya ronley hoo—hoo.

Will you temper your words and actions

with love...

So, I have some ideas for
the campaign you suggested.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

What if... magmald came down
from the astral plane

after months of aimlessly wandering,

rashanna finds him weakened

and carries him back to
her woodland home...

Where she... saves him

by nursing him back to health

with feral berries and moss...

And they live happily ever after,

and have a whole litter of baby bardladins.

Ronley hoo—hoo.

Kiss her now?

Awww...

Nose.

All right, thank you,
everyone, for coming, so much.

We have sno—cones, so everyone enjoy!

Arm you rselves!

I've got 20,000 more experience points
we've last feuded!

En garde!

Aaaaah!