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1
00:00:02,040 --> 00:00:03,800
This programme contains
very strong language.
2
00:00:03,840 --> 00:00:05,920
Shauna Sharkey's niece works for the
company, you see. Right.
3
00:00:05,960 --> 00:00:09,080
Every voucher entitles you to
a free item of make-up,
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00:00:09,120 --> 00:00:11,280
a lip liner, a mascara...
Shite!
5
00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:13,400
..an eyebrow pencil
or what have you.
6
00:00:13,440 --> 00:00:15,880
I nearly took her hand off, Mary.
This is all I need. Gerry!
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00:00:15,920 --> 00:00:17,920
But there's a catch.
I thought there might be.
8
00:00:17,960 --> 00:00:22,000
The retailer will accept one voucher
per customer only.
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00:00:22,040 --> 00:00:23,720
Now, what that means, Mary...
10
00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:25,440
I know what it means, Sarah. Gerry!
11
00:00:25,480 --> 00:00:29,440
It means I can't hand over
22 vouchers and say,
12
00:00:29,480 --> 00:00:31,360
"Give us 22 items."
13
00:00:31,400 --> 00:00:32,480
No? Gerry!
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00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:35,320
But if we were to head up to town
with a bag of disguises.
15
00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:37,080
Bag of disguises?
Couple of quick changes
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00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:39,880
in the Richmond Centre toilets.
No chance! Gerry!
17
00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:41,760
Gerry! But the offer ends
today, Mary.
18
00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:43,080
Gerry! Gerry!
19
00:00:43,120 --> 00:00:45,000
Gerry! Gerry! Gerry!
Gerry! Gerry!
20
00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:46,680
Was someone calling?
Hot water's gone again.
21
00:00:46,720 --> 00:00:48,560
That bloody boiler!
We'll have to ring the plumber.
22
00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:50,000
Mother, have you seen
my fountain pen?
23
00:00:50,040 --> 00:00:52,120
We're talking about free make-up
here, Mary. The plumber?
24
00:00:52,160 --> 00:00:53,560
The number's in my wee
address book, Da.
25
00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:54,960
I'm sick saying we need
a new boiler.
26
00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:57,160
Mammy, my fountain pen...
We can't afford a new boiler.
27
00:00:57,200 --> 00:00:59,080
Tight hole!
No, no, no, no, no!
28
00:00:59,120 --> 00:01:01,680
And let's face it, you could be
doing with a bit of bronzer, Mary.
29
00:01:01,720 --> 00:01:04,480
I had it down here last night,
remember? I was working on my novel.
30
00:01:04,520 --> 00:01:06,480
It's on the phone table there.
My fountain pen?
31
00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:08,840
My address book! I'm not looking
for your address book!
32
00:01:08,880 --> 00:01:11,600
You'd give Casper a run for his
money, no offence. Jesus Christ!
33
00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:14,600
I don't like strawberry Pop Tarts.
I like chocolate Pop Tarts.
34
00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:17,520
Mammy? Pen? Right, here you go.
Here's a pen.
35
00:01:17,560 --> 00:01:20,240
That's a Biro. I mean, I've seen
corpses that are a better colour.
36
00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:21,640
I can't write with a Biro!
37
00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:24,760
Which means I end up eating them
out of pity.
38
00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:27,000
You might as well ask Van Gogh
to paint with a trowel.
39
00:01:27,040 --> 00:01:30,600
Oh, shut up, shut up, shut up!
40
00:01:30,640 --> 00:01:33,640
Will you all just please shut up?
I am sick of it!
41
00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:35,720
I am sick of the boiler
and the vouchers
42
00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:38,360
and the fountain pens
and the bastardin' Pop Tarts.
43
00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:41,400
I am sick of the fact
that I am responsible
44
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for everything in this house,
you useless, useless shites!
45
00:01:45,280 --> 00:01:48,200
Enough is enough. You can all sort
yourselves out for once!
46
00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:52,040
Now...
47
00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:55,600
I'm going to go upstairs and have
a long, hot soak in the bath.
48
00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:59,840
And I do not want disturbed -
is that understood?
49
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There's no hot water.
50
00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:02,600
Christ almighty!
51
00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:16,720
All right? Where's James?
52
00:02:16,760 --> 00:02:18,680
Ach, Jesus Christ!
53
00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:20,960
If I've left him on the bus again
my ma's gonna go nuts.
54
00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:23,880
Hi, guys! Bye guys!
55
00:02:23,920 --> 00:02:26,080
They're doing this 24-hour
danceathon thing.
56
00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:28,800
They haven't slept.
What? Why are they so bouncy?
57
00:02:28,840 --> 00:02:31,240
They're off their tits
on lemon sherbet.
58
00:02:31,280 --> 00:02:35,000
Seriously, between them and
Marcel Marceau over here, I... Ugh!
59
00:02:35,040 --> 00:02:36,520
How's it going?
60
00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:40,480
You're really not gonna talk
for 24 hours?
61
00:02:40,520 --> 00:02:43,040
Yeah, that's tough.
You're better off not breathing.
62
00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:45,720
Would she be, Orla?
Or...would she be dead?
63
00:02:45,760 --> 00:02:47,600
It's not doing me any harm.
64
00:02:47,640 --> 00:02:50,520
What? I'm not breathing
for Children in Need.
65
00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:53,360
That's happening now, is it,
you're currently not breathing?
66
00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:54,800
Correct.
67
00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:59,040
Grand. Well, I am planning
on visiting the hospital.
68
00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:02,600
I'm going to read the sick kids
some of my work.
69
00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:05,040
No, Erin. Them wains
have suffered enough.
70
00:03:05,080 --> 00:03:07,640
Well, what's your great
philanthropic plans?
71
00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:09,160
In English, please?
72
00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:10,800
What are you doing for
Children in Need?
73
00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:12,720
I might cut my hair.
74
00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:15,320
Charlene Kavanagh made a shit ton
when she done it last year,
75
00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:17,040
and I'm trying to save
for a holiday, so...
76
00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:19,600
You can't keep the money, Michelle.
You've to give it to the charity.
77
00:03:19,640 --> 00:03:22,000
What? Do you not just give them
the hair? Ah, fer...
78
00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:25,640
Hey, I passed! I passed!
79
00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:26,880
What are you on about?
80
00:03:26,920 --> 00:03:29,200
My driving test. I...I passed.
81
00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:30,800
You were doing your driving test?
82
00:03:30,840 --> 00:03:33,720
It's literally all I've talked about
for weeks. Jesus Christ, James!
83
00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:35,560
There's only so many ways
I can say this....
84
00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:37,360
We. Don't. Listen. To. You.
85
00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:40,800
You've seen my instructor pick me up
at the school gates a dozen times!
86
00:03:40,840 --> 00:03:42,600
What did you think was going on?
87
00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:44,200
I just thought he was some sort
of creep.
88
00:03:44,240 --> 00:03:45,840
Yet you didn't try to intervene?
89
00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:48,800
You seemed happy enough. I see...
90
00:03:58,240 --> 00:03:59,720
Oh, God, please no!
91
00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:07,200
No, no, no, no.
92
00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:09,640
Thank you, girls.
93
00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:12,960
We won't forget that performance
in a hurry...
94
00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:14,760
..no matter how hard we try.
95
00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:18,760
Now, amidst the merriment,
it's easy to forget
96
00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:25,120
there is a serious and rather
depressing side to Children in Need,
97
00:04:25,160 --> 00:04:27,440
mainly the fact that Father Peter
has decided to come
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00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:29,120
and talk to us about it.
99
00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:32,080
Father?
100
00:04:32,120 --> 00:04:35,200
Holy Christ. That pony tail is gonna
bring my breakfast up.
101
00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:38,280
Great stuff. Thank you, Sister.
102
00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:42,520
Firstly, well done on the
almighty effort so far.
103
00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:44,520
We'll be announcing
the grand total raised
104
00:04:44,560 --> 00:04:47,000
at our Stars in their Eyes
evening on Friday.
105
00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:50,360
And tonight, Matthew, I'm gonna
be...nowhere near that shit.
106
00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:53,880
Fantastic way to round off this week
of complete madness.
107
00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:56,440
I don't know whose idea it was,
but it was genius.
108
00:04:56,480 --> 00:04:57,920
It was your idea. Ah, now.
109
00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:00,520
You said, "Can we have a Stars
in their Eyes night?"
110
00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:02,120
Is that right?
Well, sure, there you are.
111
00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:04,400
And I said absolutely not.
I see. Well, sure all's well...
112
00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:06,880
And then you started begging.
..that ends well, as they say.
113
00:05:06,920 --> 00:05:09,440
At one point it looked like
you were going to cry.
114
00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:11,520
I think you've maybe slightly
misremembered there.
115
00:05:11,560 --> 00:05:14,360
And we've got a pretty exciting
first prize lined up.
116
00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:16,520
The winner will get a chance to...
117
00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:20,680
Drum roll, please, Sister.
Have you lost your actual mind?
118
00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:23,720
..perform their song live on TV.
What about that now?
119
00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:27,600
Yes!
120
00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:35,120
Sarah? Is that...
121
00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:37,040
Are you wearing a wig?
122
00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:40,000
I don't want to get into it, Gerry.
Good, neither do I.
123
00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:41,920
I thought I'd nip back
before Mary gets out of work
124
00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:43,400
and give the place a bit of
a going over.
125
00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:45,640
She didn't go to work. What?
126
00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:49,040
I don't know what's going on with
her, Gerry, but I'm worried.
127
00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:51,000
She's banging on about feminism.
128
00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:53,600
She's talking about joining
the Women's Coalition.
129
00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:54,840
Oh, Jesus!
130
00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:57,920
You all right there, love?
131
00:05:57,960 --> 00:06:00,320
I've always wanted to read
this book. Right.
132
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:01,680
Never got around to it.
133
00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:04,680
There was always something more
"important" to do.
134
00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:06,640
Oh, God, not the finger
quoting thing.
135
00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:08,760
I've said she doesn't need to worry
about dinner.
136
00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:10,320
I'm cooking tonight...
137
00:06:10,360 --> 00:06:12,520
..as soon as I've defrosted
this thing.
138
00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:15,480
Fantastic!
139
00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:16,680
It's open!
140
00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:18,280
There's gonna be some changes
around here.
141
00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:20,840
The highlight of my year shouldn't
be a spate of good washing weather.
142
00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:23,880
I need some variety.
Some spontaneity.
143
00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:25,800
Jesus, I need some excitement!
144
00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:27,360
You called for a plumber?
145
00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:45,040
You're the plumber?
146
00:06:45,080 --> 00:06:47,440
That's right.
You're not the usual fella.
147
00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:50,000
Frankie, no. Er, unfortunately
Frankie passed away.
148
00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:51,760
Happy days.
149
00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:53,320
Yeah, sorry. I'm Gabriel.
150
00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:55,840
Me too. Excuse me?
151
00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:58,280
Mary! Mary. I'm Mary.
152
00:06:58,320 --> 00:07:00,600
A-and-and this is my husband, erm...
153
00:07:00,640 --> 00:07:02,920
Oh! God!
154
00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:04,400
Gerry. Right.
155
00:07:04,440 --> 00:07:07,280
I'm Sarah.
I'm completely unattached.
156
00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:08,760
OK.
157
00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:11,400
Christ, but you're a fine looking
specimen.
158
00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:13,240
Thank you. Um...
159
00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:17,080
Ah! Emily Bronte.
Wow, what a genius.
160
00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:19,960
We'll have to take your word for it,
Gabriel, for we don't know her.
161
00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:24,960
You've read it? It's, like, my
favourite novel. It's so romantic.
162
00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:27,400
I wouldn't really...
I've only started, I don't..
163
00:07:27,440 --> 00:07:29,520
All that forbidden desire.
164
00:07:31,240 --> 00:07:34,840
Not being allowed something just
makes you want it all the more...
165
00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:36,920
..I suppose.
166
00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:38,360
Yip.
167
00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:41,040
This boiler's not gonna fix itself
now, is it, Gabriel?
168
00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:42,640
After me...
169
00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:48,560
Dear Jesus!
170
00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:54,120
You said this was dicky, Michelle.
171
00:07:54,160 --> 00:07:56,560
That was before
the BBC Northern Ireland thing.
172
00:07:56,600 --> 00:07:58,080
This could be life-changing.
173
00:07:58,120 --> 00:08:00,280
You know, Pamela Anderson was just
an ordinary girl
174
00:08:00,320 --> 00:08:03,280
at a football match when
a roving camera stuck her on
175
00:08:03,320 --> 00:08:04,840
the big screen and then, boom.
176
00:08:04,880 --> 00:08:06,760
Yeah, but she looks like
Pamela Anderson.
177
00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:08,120
OK, James,
178
00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:10,560
it's hard for you to see it
because we're related,
179
00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:13,960
but I'm a ride.
I am a massive fucking ride.
180
00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:18,520
Hey, guys.
Not thinking of entering, are you?
181
00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:20,400
We might be.
182
00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:22,560
That's cute. So cute.
183
00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:25,280
Oh, bring it on, bitches.
184
00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:32,760
Christ, you'd need an A-level
in chemistry
185
00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:34,880
to decipher these instructions.
186
00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:36,800
I'll take Gabriel up a cup of tea.
187
00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:38,240
I think he's probably grand,
188
00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:39,960
seeing as it's only about 60 seconds
189
00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:41,680
since you brought him up the last
one.
190
00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:43,080
He's such a civil fella, isn't he?
191
00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:44,600
Oh, he's great altogether.
192
00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:46,760
You could have bagged yourself
a man like that, love.
193
00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:48,640
Wise up, Daddy. Hardly.
It's true.
194
00:08:48,680 --> 00:08:50,840
Never understand why you settled
for thon thing.
195
00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:53,280
Ach, I wouldn't be interested in
a man like Gabriel, Daddy.
196
00:08:53,320 --> 00:08:54,440
Thank you, love.
197
00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:56,520
You'd be tortured,
you'd be getting the women off.
198
00:08:56,560 --> 00:08:57,600
Aye, true enough.
199
00:08:57,640 --> 00:09:00,040
At least, with Gerry, you've none
of that worry. Excuse me?
200
00:09:00,080 --> 00:09:02,400
It's not just the looks thing.
He's really bright, too.
201
00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:03,840
That'd be intimidating, you know.
202
00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:05,960
If you're that hot, you should at
least have
203
00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:08,200
the common decency to be
a bit thick.
204
00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:11,320
If I was with someone too clever,
I'd feel all out of my depth.
205
00:09:11,360 --> 00:09:13,960
Um, fairly straightforward
in the end.
206
00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:16,120
I'm sure you probably could have
handled it, Gerry.
207
00:09:16,160 --> 00:09:17,680
Oh, I doubt that very much, Gabriel,
208
00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:19,600
what with me being
of subnormal intelligence.
209
00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:21,320
Sure, there's chimpanzees
with more wit.
210
00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:22,520
That's no word of a lie.
211
00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:24,400
You'll take a cup
of tea before you go?
212
00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:26,400
I'm sure the man has places
to be, Mary.
213
00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:27,520
Ah, if you're making one.
214
00:09:27,560 --> 00:09:29,880
Mary tells us you've just moved
here, Gabriel.
215
00:09:29,920 --> 00:09:31,960
Yeah, that's right.
I'm from Kildare originally.
216
00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:33,920
Very sorry to hear that, son.
217
00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:37,480
Thank you. Yeah, me and the wife,
well, we separated recently.
218
00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:40,120
God, that's terrible, so it is.
219
00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:41,720
I say separated.
220
00:09:41,760 --> 00:09:44,040
The truth is she ran off
with my friend.
221
00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:46,240
Jesus, what must
the friend look like?
222
00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:47,960
It was hard for my daughter,
223
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:50,280
everyone knowing our business
and stuff. So...
224
00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:52,520
She left your daughter behind?
Yeah.
225
00:09:52,560 --> 00:09:53,880
And you're raising her? Yeah.
226
00:09:53,920 --> 00:09:55,240
That must be tough, son.
227
00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:56,760
It's a privilege, Joe.
228
00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:58,720
Oh, come on.
229
00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:01,520
She's 12 now. She says I baby her.
230
00:10:01,560 --> 00:10:03,920
Mammy. The girls are gonna stay over
tonight
231
00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:06,560
because we need to rehearse because
Jenny Joyce is such a...
232
00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:07,920
Oh-ho-ho-ho.
233
00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:09,320
Fuck me sideways.
234
00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:10,600
Language, Michelle.
235
00:10:10,640 --> 00:10:12,600
Ach, Mary, come on,
that's ridiculous.
236
00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:13,960
Even so. This is Gabriel,
237
00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:16,960
our new plumber.
This is our daughter, Erin.
238
00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:19,520
Well, hello there.
239
00:10:19,560 --> 00:10:23,600
Well, hello, Erin.
240
00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:27,000
And what age are you?
241
00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:29,080
Not five?
242
00:10:29,120 --> 00:10:30,760
I knew it was too good to be true.
243
00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:32,720
I think the best thing we could do
is just to get
244
00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:34,760
the routine on its feet. I agree.
245
00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:36,440
I know we're gonna smash
this, girls.
246
00:10:36,480 --> 00:10:37,760
We are gonna lift that trophy.
247
00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:40,520
We are gonna perform live on
the motherfucking BBC
248
00:10:40,560 --> 00:10:43,280
and we're gonna wipe that smile off
Jenny Joyce's stupid face.
249
00:10:43,320 --> 00:10:44,680
Yeah.
250
00:10:44,720 --> 00:10:46,200
Let's do it. Hit it!
251
00:10:47,840 --> 00:10:51,320
How many times do I have
to fucking explain it?
252
00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:53,840
It is two steps forward,
two steps back.
253
00:10:53,880 --> 00:10:55,400
It couldn't be any fucking simpler.
254
00:10:55,440 --> 00:10:56,920
What the fuck is wrong with you all?
255
00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:59,240
You're the one that's out of time.
Say that again, James,
256
00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:00,840
and I will floor you.
I will lay you out.
257
00:11:00,880 --> 00:11:02,520
I think the first bit is
pretty good.
258
00:11:02,560 --> 00:11:03,840
The first bit's shite, Erin.
259
00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:05,880
You look like you're
being electrocuted,
260
00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:09,320
and what the fuck do you think
you're doing, Clare, the Haka?
261
00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:11,880
Fuck!
262
00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:14,280
Come on, Mary.
I can't, Gabriel.
263
00:11:14,320 --> 00:11:15,880
No-one needs to find out.
264
00:11:15,920 --> 00:11:18,840
No, look, look,
it's not like I'm not flattered.
265
00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:24,320
You call me when you change
your mind.
266
00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:26,600
When? You're sure of yourself.
267
00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:29,480
I know how to get what I want.
268
00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:37,680
Mary. I've got a bit of
a vegetable situation going on here.
269
00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:39,120
I'm coming!
270
00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:47,560
It's not my fault your choreography
is pedestrian, Michelle.
271
00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:49,200
Kiss my actual hole, Erin.
272
00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:51,120
Look, I think
we all just need to calm down.
273
00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:53,320
Piss off, James!
274
00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:56,000
OK, that, is it? I'm going solo.
275
00:11:57,480 --> 00:11:59,400
Oh, Christ, here we go.
276
00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:02,320
Screwdriver.
277
00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:04,440
Um, bell. Apron.
278
00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:07,320
Fanny. Big fanny?
279
00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:12,880
Fanny pain. The plumber was
trying to get off with Erin's ma.
280
00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:14,880
The plumber was trying
to get off with Erin's ma,
281
00:12:14,920 --> 00:12:17,320
and now I need to give all
of my sponsorship money back.
282
00:12:17,360 --> 00:12:19,240
We're gonna need more
details, Clare.
283
00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:20,640
I saw them together in the hall.
284
00:12:20,680 --> 00:12:24,080
He was whispering things to her,
you know, suggestive things.
285
00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:26,240
My ma? He was coming onto my ma?
286
00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:28,880
What is he, some sort of reverse
paedophile?
287
00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:30,400
I bet Mary told him where to go.
288
00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:33,080
Not exactly.
289
00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:36,560
How's rehearsals going, girls?
290
00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:40,200
Um, I think mine might be
a wee bit frozen.
291
00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:42,320
It's called "al dente", Michelle.
292
00:12:42,360 --> 00:12:44,600
Oh. Right.
293
00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:46,960
You didn't have to dress
for dinner, Mary.
294
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:48,600
I'm not having dinner, Sarah.
Why not?
295
00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:50,240
Well, firstly, because I value my
life,
296
00:12:50,280 --> 00:12:51,640
and, secondly, I'm heading out.
297
00:12:51,680 --> 00:12:52,920
Where?
298
00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:55,880
Eileen Rafferty turned 50,
so she's having this party.
299
00:12:55,920 --> 00:12:59,120
Eileen Rafferty turned 50 last year,
did she not?
300
00:12:59,160 --> 00:13:01,800
Aye. Aye, well,
if you'd let me finish,
301
00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:04,360
she's having this party
for her mother.
302
00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:07,880
Did her mother not pass away there?
303
00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:10,240
That's right, she did.
304
00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:12,720
So we're just gonna...
We're just gonna have
305
00:13:12,760 --> 00:13:14,320
a couple of drinks in her memory.
306
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:15,680
Is Eileen not teetotal, Mary?
307
00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:18,240
Oh, my God, how do you know
so much about Eileen Rafferty?
308
00:13:18,280 --> 00:13:19,720
What are you, a stalker?
309
00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:21,880
If a woman's 50
and there's not a wrinkle on her,
310
00:13:21,920 --> 00:13:23,600
I take an interest, Mary.
311
00:13:26,480 --> 00:13:28,640
Well, she'll be on
the Fanta Orange.
312
00:13:28,680 --> 00:13:31,480
There's my taxi. See you later.
313
00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:34,880
Fanta Orange, so that's her secret.
314
00:13:34,920 --> 00:13:37,440
That Eileen Rafferty story did not
add up, girls.
315
00:13:37,480 --> 00:13:39,720
Do you think your ma's getting
plumbed by the plumber?
316
00:13:39,760 --> 00:13:42,520
Well, I never trusted her,
not since the day I met her.
317
00:13:42,560 --> 00:13:44,720
She's your auntie, Orla.
318
00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:47,360
The day you met her
you were a new-born baby.
319
00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:48,760
Exactly.
320
00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:50,360
He wrote something.
321
00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:53,320
There was a note.
She put it on the shelf.
322
00:13:53,360 --> 00:13:55,080
It's an address.
323
00:13:55,120 --> 00:13:56,640
Do you think it's his address?
324
00:13:56,680 --> 00:13:58,600
Do you think your ma's meeting
him there?
325
00:13:58,640 --> 00:14:00,840
Do you think that's where
they're going to do the deed?
326
00:14:00,880 --> 00:14:03,240
By "do the deed" I mean ride.
Yes, thank you, Michelle.
327
00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:04,880
I have to get to
the bottom of this.
328
00:14:04,920 --> 00:14:07,040
That's halfway up Pump Street.
James can drive now.
329
00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:08,840
He doesn't have a car.
330
00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:10,120
Your da does.
331
00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:12,560
He'd never let us borrow it.
He wouldn't have to know.
332
00:14:12,600 --> 00:14:14,120
Absolutely not!
333
00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:17,480
Couldn't he speed up a wee bit?
334
00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:19,720
No, I couldn't!
Are we even moving?
335
00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:22,200
I simply will not negotiate
when it comes to road safety.
336
00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:30,560
Christ, that's some gaff.
337
00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:32,560
I think plumbers do all right,
you know.
338
00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:39,480
He's alone. She's not.
339
00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:52,240
Erin, are you OK?
340
00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:01,520
What you need to do is bring it
a bit more downstage.
341
00:15:01,560 --> 00:15:03,520
No, no - downstage?
342
00:15:03,560 --> 00:15:05,000
No, no - downstage!
343
00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:07,640
How many times?
Downstage is up, upstage is down.
344
00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:09,200
But that doesn't make any sense.
345
00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:11,080
It's theatre. It's not supposed
to make sense.
346
00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:13,720
I need to speak to the
stage manager.
347
00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:15,240
What now?
348
00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:17,080
OK, now...
349
00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:19,000
With the smoke machine,
when the contestants come out,
350
00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:20,320
really go for it.
351
00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:22,320
Don't be shy. Give it a good blast.
352
00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:24,400
I'll give you a kick up the arse.
353
00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:25,840
Testing, testing. One, two...
354
00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:47,720
Hey, gang. Ready to do this thing?
355
00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:49,320
Erin, we're just a bit worried.
356
00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:50,640
Don't be.
357
00:15:50,680 --> 00:15:53,000
We are going to smash it out there.
358
00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:54,600
I don't mean the performance.
359
00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:56,720
I mean, I'm also worried about
the performance.
360
00:15:56,760 --> 00:15:59,200
I've been having recurring
nightmares about the performance.
361
00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:00,720
About last night, Erin...
362
00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:02,040
Your ma and the plumber.
363
00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:04,080
Maybe you should speak to her, Erin.
And say what?
364
00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:05,600
How could you do it?
365
00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:07,400
How could you betray Daddy
like that?
366
00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:11,480
How could you make me doubt
everything I ever thought I knew?
367
00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:14,280
Who even are you, Mammy?
368
00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:16,040
And shimmy.
369
00:16:16,080 --> 00:16:18,200
Four, please.
No bother at all.
370
00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:21,320
Once you've bought the tickets,
you've donated to the charity.
371
00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:24,120
You don't actually have
to sit through this ordeal.
372
00:16:24,160 --> 00:16:27,000
Our girls are performing. And?
373
00:16:27,040 --> 00:16:28,720
Well, we'd like to see them. Oh!
374
00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:31,320
Sister Michael,
you're needed backstage ASAP, over.
375
00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:34,360
Sorry, just let me deal with this.
376
00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:35,840
Ahem!
377
00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:41,240
Let's welcome our first contestant,
Miss Tina O'Connell.
378
00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:46,680
Hello, there, Tina.
379
00:16:46,720 --> 00:16:48,080
All right?
380
00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:51,440
Now, you've been a fan
of this artist for some time.
381
00:16:51,480 --> 00:16:53,360
Is that correct?
382
00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:55,080
Aye.
383
00:16:55,120 --> 00:16:56,600
Great stuff.
384
00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:59,240
Now, we'll give a few clues about
that person in just a moment.
385
00:16:59,280 --> 00:17:03,760
Now, I believe you first realised
you sounded like this person
386
00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:05,880
when you were in the bath.
387
00:17:05,920 --> 00:17:07,360
Aye.
388
00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:09,520
Would you like to tell us
about that?
389
00:17:09,560 --> 00:17:11,760
I was singing in the bath
and my ma heard me and she said,
390
00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:13,840
"Tina, you sound a bit
like Meat Loaf."
391
00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:16,800
There's no, need for the clues now,
Tina, is there?
392
00:17:16,840 --> 00:17:18,360
Who are you gonna be tonight, Tina?
393
00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:19,760
Tonight, Father... Matthew.
394
00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:22,800
Tonight, Father Matthew...
No, just Matthew, like in the show.
395
00:17:22,840 --> 00:17:24,200
Seen the show, haven't you, Tina?
396
00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:26,440
Tonight, Matthew,
I'm going to be Meat Loaf.
397
00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:40,800
Sorry we're late.
398
00:17:46,360 --> 00:17:48,120
Gabriel, it's yourself.
399
00:17:48,160 --> 00:17:49,760
I hope you don't mind me
gate-crashing.
400
00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:52,640
Mary mentioned it and I thought
the little one might enjoy it.
401
00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:55,480
Mind? Not at all.
Sure why would I mind?
402
00:18:02,440 --> 00:18:04,960
God, I would just like to
take this opportunity
403
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:07,600
to thank you for our friendship,
404
00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:12,160
and for the fact that this costume
makes my rack look so, so cracker.
405
00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:14,040
Amen.
406
00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:58,000
Please welcome to the stage, Erin,
Orla, Clare, Michelle and James.
407
00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:03,560
The act you're going to perform
for us tonight,
408
00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:05,440
well, they're absolutely huge.
409
00:19:05,480 --> 00:19:06,920
That's right, Peter. Matthew.
410
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:08,800
Matthew! Shit! I got it right in
rehearsal, I just...
411
00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:11,200
It doesn't matter. No, I fucked it.
412
00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:13,520
OK. Give us some clues, girls.
413
00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:17,640
Well, Peter... They are English,
but we still like them.
414
00:19:17,680 --> 00:19:20,960
They're also probably better known
by their nicknames.
415
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:23,800
Which are? And I think this just
might give it away now.
416
00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:26,440
Ginger! Baby! Sporty!
417
00:19:26,480 --> 00:19:28,360
Scary and Posh!
418
00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:34,720
Tonight, Matthew,
we're gonna be The Spice Girls!
419
00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:36,800
Girl power!
420
00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:55,720
Are they good?
421
00:20:57,480 --> 00:20:59,040
How are they good?!
422
00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:32,720
Michelle? Keep on going!
423
00:21:40,280 --> 00:21:41,920
Fuck!
424
00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:49,560
Erin? Leave me alone!
425
00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:50,920
Erin, love, what's wrong?
426
00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:53,160
Don't you "Erin, love" me!
I'm sorry?
427
00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:54,880
I know what you've been up to.
428
00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:57,000
Our secret lottery numbers, Mary.
429
00:21:57,040 --> 00:21:58,520
You do secret lottery numbers?
430
00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:01,120
I know about you and Gabriel.
What? What?
431
00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:04,520
Clare heard you arranging your
dirty little rendezvous.
432
00:22:04,560 --> 00:22:06,120
All right, Mary, how's it going?
433
00:22:06,160 --> 00:22:08,200
Admit it, Gabriel - you're just
a pervert
434
00:22:08,240 --> 00:22:10,720
with a jazzy-jumpered Ma fetish!
435
00:22:10,760 --> 00:22:12,680
I'd rather not admit that,
if you don't mind.
436
00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:14,680
I know you went to his fancy house.
437
00:22:14,720 --> 00:22:19,640
I've never been to his house!
We saw you, Mammy. Stop lying!
438
00:22:19,680 --> 00:22:21,720
Oh...
439
00:22:21,760 --> 00:22:24,240
Oh, God! You're having an affair
with the plumber!
440
00:22:24,280 --> 00:22:26,560
You're having an affair with
Frankie? Frankie's dead, Da.
441
00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:28,360
Gabriel. She's having an affair
with Gabriel!
442
00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:30,120
How the hell did you manage that?
443
00:22:30,160 --> 00:22:31,600
I'm not having an affair
with Gabriel!
444
00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:32,800
Just tell them the truth, Mary.
445
00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:36,680
Oh, should she, now?
You absolute bastard!
446
00:22:36,720 --> 00:22:37,720
Prick!
447
00:22:37,760 --> 00:22:40,160
Hey, that's enough of that now.
Stop it! Make me!
448
00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:42,960
If one of you doesn't hit
the other one soon...
449
00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:44,440
..I'll knock the pair of you out.
450
00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:46,760
Do it, Granda! Pack it in!
451
00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:48,680
Look, when Gabriel was fixing
the boiler,
452
00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:50,600
I brought him up a couple of cups
of tea.
453
00:22:50,640 --> 00:22:52,600
Couple of dozen! We got chatting.
454
00:22:52,640 --> 00:22:54,160
Jesus...Christ!
455
00:22:54,200 --> 00:22:57,240
He told me that he was taking these
night classes in English literature.
456
00:22:57,280 --> 00:22:58,880
He wants to do a degree.
457
00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:00,720
He convinced me to come along
and check it out.
458
00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:03,240
That house was the
tutor's house, Erin!
459
00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:04,720
There was eight other people there.
460
00:23:04,760 --> 00:23:06,400
So why were you drinking wine,
Mammy?
461
00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:09,160
Because everybody was drinking wine.
462
00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:10,840
There was cheese as well.
463
00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:12,480
Blue stuff. Stinking!
464
00:23:12,520 --> 00:23:13,760
So stinking.
465
00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:16,360
I don't understand why you wouldn't
just tell me.
466
00:23:16,400 --> 00:23:17,800
Why the hell should she have
to tell you?
467
00:23:17,840 --> 00:23:20,080
Da, please!
The fella's a control freak, Mary.
468
00:23:20,120 --> 00:23:23,200
Is it any wonder you had an affair?
I didn't have an affair!
469
00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:25,760
I didn't want to say
anything, because...
470
00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:29,800
Because, well, the idea that someone
like me could go back to school,
471
00:23:29,840 --> 00:23:32,600
the idea that someone like me might
even go to university,
472
00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:34,200
well, it didn't seem possible.
473
00:23:34,240 --> 00:23:36,920
I thought there's no point in
telling anybody about all this
474
00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:39,280
because it's not actually
going to happen.
475
00:23:39,320 --> 00:23:41,680
It's...it's not real.
476
00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:43,080
Well...
477
00:23:43,120 --> 00:23:45,280
..let's make it real,
if it's what you want.
478
00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:49,760
Do you mean that?
479
00:23:49,800 --> 00:23:54,960
There's nothing you can't do,
love - nothing.
480
00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:58,840
Absolute arsehole.
481
00:23:58,880 --> 00:24:01,600
How could you, Mammy?
482
00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:06,040
I wanted to be the first person
in our family to go to university,
483
00:24:06,080 --> 00:24:10,600
and now you're absolutely stealing
my thunder.
484
00:24:10,640 --> 00:24:13,200
Really, Erin?
485
00:24:24,200 --> 00:24:26,720
She hasn't got a fucking note
in her head!
486
00:24:26,760 --> 00:24:29,880
This went next door by mistake.
Looks like a speeding notice.
487
00:24:29,920 --> 00:24:31,160
Speeding notice?
488
00:24:31,200 --> 00:24:33,000
No, it's the opposite
of a speeding notice.
489
00:24:33,040 --> 00:24:35,360
It says our car was driving
dangerously slowly
490
00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:37,960
over Craigavon Bridge
on Tuesday night.
491
00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:39,840
You said you were in
on Tuesday night.
492
00:24:39,880 --> 00:24:41,320
I was. I was watching Taggart.
493
00:24:41,360 --> 00:24:43,800
Are you having an affair?
494
00:24:43,840 --> 00:24:45,160
Is that what's going on here?
495
00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:46,560
Let's go!
496
00:25:08,760 --> 00:25:11,040
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