All language subtitles for marlon-wayans-presents-the-headliners-2022_720p

Downloaded from
YTS.MX

[upbeat music]

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

- Y'all, give it up
for Marlon

Wayans!

- How the fuck
we doing, people?

We good?

all: Yeah!

- Yeah,
it's a good-looking crowd.

I like seeing niggas in suits.
It's beautiful.

Hollywood.

No, I love Hollywood,
but this shit is tough.

Y'all don't understand.
This is--like, tonight,

we creating opportunities,

because--yeah.

[cheers and applause]

You know, I was lucky
when I came to California.

I had mentors, right?
I had people to help me

in the game,
like John Singleton, right?

[cheers and applause]

I remember John sat me down.

We was at Eddie Murphy's house.

Yeah, I flossed
on y'all niggas hard, huh?

I threw it away, too.

"Yeah, I was at
Eddie Murphy's house,

"and Denzel
was on his way over.

And Oprah was in the kitchen
cooking chicken, and..."

No, but we sat down
at Eddie's house,

and he told me--he said,

"What you doing out here,
young man?" I was 18.

I said, "I'm moving out here
to be a actor."

He said,
"No, you a Black actor."

And I was like,
"No, I'm an actor."

He said,
"No, you're a Black actor.

"And if you gonna be
a Black actor in Hollywood,

"I want you to understand
something, young brother.

"There's no work for you
in Hollywood.

"So if you're gonna
be Black actor,

"I need you to be a writer,
a producer, a creator.

[applause]

And then you can create work
for your Black actor to work."

[cheers and applause]

And because of John Singleton,

I have written, starred,
and produced...

[cheers and applause]

Over 21

terrible fucking movies.

[laughter, applause]

And so tonight,
I got this opportunity

to bring
my brothers to the stage,

that helped me down when I was
doing standup comedy.

I love each and every one
of these people up here.

They're some of my
favorite comedians.

They've toured with me
all over the world.

And they opened,
and I was the headliner.

But tonight,
they're the headliner.

Y'all gonna have
an amazing show.

I want you to laugh,

have a fucking great time,
drink, be merry.

This first comedian,
he was on shows like "Rel"

and "Black Lady Sketch Show."

His animal voiceovers
are all over social media.

They have millions of views.

He's originally from Chicago.

Give it up for my brother,
Mr. Tony Baker.

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

- What's up, y'all?
Hey.

Okay. Okay. All right.

Hey. Thank you. Let's go!

Yo, y'all clapping
for a cat person.

I want you to know that.
I'm a proud cat person.

I'm a straight man
that enjoys women and cats.

Proud of who I am, man.

This the new look
of the cat people.

Sick of y'all judging
cat people, man.

Cats is dope.

Know what I'm saying?
Y'all be loving dogs.

Y'all love dogs to death,
but they sold out to the man.

They be doing whatever
we want them to do.

I can't respect
a animal like that.

Yeah! Yeah! Whatever you need!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Booties be moving
for no reason.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You're home!

Cats give you space
when you get home.

They ain't even looking at you
when you walk in the door.

They be looking at the wall,
like, "This shit right here.

This wall? Hell yeah."

I like that, man.

Dogs be working for the feds.

Soft.

Soft. They be snitching.

You know how many prisoners
hate dogs right now?

Here are the drugs!
Here are the drugs!

Here! Oh, there's more here!
There's more here! Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah! Yeah!

Oh! Oh! Oh, here as well!

Snitching.
That's what y'all respect?

They ain't gonna get
no information from the cats.

"Cats, are there drugs here?"
Man, fuck that.

This wall right here.
This wall.

This what I'm talking about.
Hell yeah.

Cats do the opposite
of what you tell them to do.

Can you imagine a cat
working for the cops?

Detective Mittens?

Sergeant would be pissed off
at him every episode.

"Mittens, my office, now!"
Man, fuck that.

"Well, stay out there, then."
I'm coming in.

Imagine a cat
homicide detective.

He be working on his own clock.

Bodies just decomposing
on his watch.

He show up to the scene late.

Rodriguez. Purr. Purr.

What do we got?

"We called you six hours ago."
Man, shut up, man.

How long
the body been out here?

"It's been out here
for about eight hours now."

Hey, I'll be the judge of that.

[laughter]

That's about eight hours, man.

Y'all love dogs, man.

They was chasing us down
when we were slaves.

Dogs was in on that shit.

A cat ain't never hunted us
down on the slavery tip.

Cats just watched us
running north, like,

"Yeah, get yours. Get yours.
This wall, though.

I want you to see this wall
right here before you go."

Harriet Tubman hate dogs, man.

I want Harriet Tubman
on that goddamn money.

I want Harriet Tubman
on every goddamn bill.

I want her on the 1, the 2,
the 5, the 10, the 20,

and the 100.
Make it all Harriet.

But she ain't gonna have
no different facial expressions

on the--on the monies, though.

Harriet Tubman
ain't never smiled a day

in her goddamn life.

Every picture of Harriet
is serious business.

She going...

For real,
take the goddamn picture, man.

I'm trying
to save lives out here.

You got it? Good, man.

I would feel bad if Harriet
was on the bills, though.

I would feel
about my purchases.

Like, if I was buying
some bullshit,

that's a lot of judgment
from Harriet.

I ain't ready for that.

Oh, this what we buying
right here?

Cigarettes, huh?
That's what we doing?

You had to have
strong lungs in my day

so you could make it up north,
but this what you doing.

You making it rain
at the strip club,

she judging you
on the way down.

Oh, that's what
we doing out here.

That's what we doing out here?
We making it rain, huh?

Now I'm getting twerked on?
That's what's happening?

I'm a scaredy cat too.

I'll admit that.
I be scared, man.

The dudes be acting like
they don't never be scared.

I be scared.

You ever be scared
when you're home alone?

Ain't nobody else
at the house?

You ever just
freak yourself out?

You watching "Forensic Files,"

and then you hear
something in the house.

You go, "Oh, shit."

You ever mute the TV 'cause
you know you heard something?

Don't mute that TV.
Leave it on, man. I get silent.

When I hear a noise in the
house, I don't make a sound.

I be like, "You ain't gonna
find my ass."

'Cause people be talking
too much when they scared.

They be revealing
their location to the killer.

You be like, "Jamal?

"Jamal, is that you?

Jamal, why you
always walking in--"

Killer got to find me.
I'm fading into the closet.

They don't know the layout
of the house like I do.

Like, they ain't gonna find me
in this goddamn closet.

They don't know.
I be shook at the house, man.

Hey, whatever noise you heard,

it's even worse
when you got pets,

because whatever you heard,
they heard it too.

Now you really shook.

When the cat is looking
down the hallway, like...

He my concern too,

'cause he standing
on his back legs.

That's when you know it's real.

And they don't speak English,
so you can't get the intel.

Like, what you seeing,
Midnight?

You shook in the room.

Even worse if you got a dog
on the first floor,

you on the second floor.

You hear the dog
barking downstairs,

scariest shit of all time.

That dog downstairs
barking, like...

[barking]

Baxter.
[barks]

Then Baxter get quiet
on your ass.

That's when it's real.
When he get quiet?

[barks, yelps]

Baxter. Baxter!

I got guns in here.
I got guns in here.

You ain't got no guns.
You butt ass naked.

You just got out the shower.

You prime real estate
for the murder.

I'm scared of cracked doors
in the house.

I don't like cracked doors
in the house, man.

That shit got to be all the way
open or all the way shut,

but you ain't gonna be cracked.

The crack is too creepy, man.

You be freaking yourself out
in the crack.

The door crack, you be like,
"Who just walked past?

Who peeking in here?"

'Cause the peek-in is the most
terrifying shit of all time.

The peek-in?
When you just see this?

I would die just
from the peek-in.

You ain't even got
to come kill me.

I'm already dead.

Once we lock eyes,
my two to your one, I'm out.

I'm like, "Oh, oh, oooooooh!"

Dead.

Cops gonna show up
to the crib like,

"Rodriguez, what do we got?"

Tony Baker. Died.

No sign of a struggle.
Ah, but the door's cracked.

"The Door Crack Killer
strikes again.

"Goddamn it!

Rodriguez, man, we gotta do
something about this."

I don't like closed
shower curtains in the crib.

I check the curtain
every goddamn time.

I'm checking that curtain.

I ain't just going
in the bathroom

without checking the curtain.

You don't know
who back there, man.

It could be pranks,
murders, I don't know.

I'm checking
that goddamn curtain.

I be playing it up
like I ain't about

to check the curtain,
I be singing.

♪ Ooh, thunder only happens ♪

Shing!
What the hell's going on?

You ain't killing my ass
in here on the toilet.

Tell you that right now,
Shower Curtain Killer.

'Cause y'all be in the--
y'all be on the toilet

with the utmost confidence

like you ain't gonna
get your throat cut.

Y'all necks be out,
just prime real estate

for the throat slice.

You'll be going--shing!
"Oh, no! No!

Oooooooooh!

Now you done fell in between
the toilet and the sink.

You face down, booty up.

Face down, booty up,
all up in...

That's your body.

Whole police force
gonna be in that bathroom.

Oh, goddamn it,
what do we got?

Rodriguez. Ah.

"Face down, booty up.

Look like
he didn't check the curtain."

God damn it!

The Shower Curtain Killer
strikes again.

You face down, booty up, man.

They gonna have photographers
in there

taking pictures of that.

That's how you gonna be
on "Forensic Files."

They gonna be like...
[imitating camera snapping]

It's gonna be...

[imitating camera snapping]

They always got the multiple
cheek shot on "Forensic Files."

They gonna have your booty
all up at the precinct,

on the big screen,
trying to solve the case.

We got Tony Baker, face down,
booty up.

Do we got any leads?

"Look like he didn't
wipe good, Captain."

You can that shit, Rodriguez!

This is serious.

And check the back seat
when you drive the car.

Check the back seat, man.

Y'all don't be checking
the back-back.

'Cause one of the scariest
shits of all time,

you look in
that rearview mirror,

you see this behind you.

What you gonna do?

I'm gonna play it off
like I didn't see him.

That's my plan.

I'm be like, "Oh, oh, oh! Oh!

Oh, oh, oh.

I'ma put some gospel on,
maybe soften his heart.

♪ We fall down ♪

♪ But we get up, oh, yeah ♪

My name's Tony Baker, man.
Thank you so much.

Cerain Baker! Let's go!

[cheers and applause]

- My man, keep it going
for Tony Baker, please.

That's beautiful, man.

Seeing my man, my boys,
get off like this.

This shit is beautiful, man.
They all protested me

when I told him--
I said we should wear suits.

I told you, I'm not trying
to make comedians.

Y'all already comedians.
I want to make stars.

You know what I'm saying?

In order to be stars, you gotta

affect them white folks
at home, you know.

They look at the TV.
Oh, it's safe to watch this.

They don't even call us
niggas no more.

Those negroes
are wearing suits.

I'm proud of everybody
doing this shit.

And you guys are a great crowd.

Give yourself
a round of applause.

[cheers and applause]

Y'all ready to keep it going?

We're gonna bring up
our next comedian.

He was on such classic films
as "The Haunted House,"

"50 Shades of Black."

He's straight out of
Vallejo, California.

Give it up for my brother,
Mr. DC Ervin.

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

- Marlon Wayans.

Let him hear it, y'all,
let him hear it.

[cheers and applause]

Make no mistake,

I'm gonna do
very fucking well tonight.

Ain't no way in hell

I'm gonna bomb
in half a tuxedo.

I ain't even want
to wear this shit.

Marlon made me do it.

He was like,
"DC, we finna do something big.

You gotta put on a suit."
I was like,

"Man, I can't really
move around in a suit, man."

He was like, "Trust me,
it's gonna look good."

Then he told me how much money
he was gonna pay me.

I started preaching to him.
"Hey, look, nigga,

"if you stay ready,
you ain't got to get ready,

"'cause this shit right here
is very fucking flowy.

"It's, like--
it's, like, elastic.

You feel it, baby?"

'Cause I'm not even
a suit type of dude.

I'm more of a
Ross/TJ Maxx-ass nigga.

That's where I be at.

You can find some shit at Ross.
You just gotta look.

It be dirty as hell in there.
All the deals be on the floor.

You be like, "Here go
the pants right here."

You just can't try
no shoes on at Ross.

That string be fucking you up.
You be like...

"Can somebody cut this, please?

Who the fuck is stealing
soccer shoes?"

I hate when I got on a shirt
from, like, a cheap-ass place,

and somebody else
got the same shirt on,

and they make an announcement.
They be like, "Walmart?"

You be like,
"Shut the fuck up, nigga.

I didn't get this shit
from Walmart."

Yes, you did.

It was right next
to the bananas.

Oh, man, can't wait
to get my money up.

I'm about to move.
I got an apartment.

Y'all got houses?
Y'all doing better than me?

My walls too thin.

Neighbors be fighting
all the damn time.

They fight, and then they fuck.

They fight, and then they fuck.

Loud as shit.

Two gay dudes.

[yelling] Oh!

Oh!

Daddy!

I be mad as fuck.
I can't jack off to this shit.

It's too aggressive.

I tried.

And it's nice
and diverse in here.

That's important, right?
We gotta stick together, y'all.

We do. We gotta stick together.
That's important.

They trying to divide us.
Pay attention.

They trying to divide us.
We gotta stick together.

That's why, when it's time
to get out there

and march and protest,

we all gotta get out there
and do it.

Y'all gotta get out there
and march for each other.

That's very fucking important.
Yeah.

[applause]
'Cause I'm not going out there.

[laughter]

I don't go to nobody protests,

especially in L.A.
They be beating everybody ass.

You take your ass to a protest,
you gonna get fucked up.

My white neighbor
went to a protest.

He got his ass beat.
He came back racist.

Nigga, where the fuck
was you at, my nigga?

These niggas ripped my shirt.

This nigga's shirt
said "BL" on that bitch.

Racism ain't going nowhere.
Y'all think it's gonna stop?

all: No.

- Nah, it ain't going nowhere.

I know how we can slow it down.

We gotta make
racial profiling legal.

Shh. Shh. Shh.

But it gotta be fair.

So whatever crime your race

or nationality known
for doing...

Police pull you over,
they can fuck with you.

Innocent? You go home. Guilty?

Get your ass in that car.
They pull me over.

Hey, how you doing, buddy?
Any crack in your car?

Behind on your child
support payments?

No?

Keep it moving.

They get a Latino.
Hey, my friend.

You wouldn't happen to have
your green card on, would you?

You an American citizen?
You're good to go.

Then get a white dude.

Hey, buddy,
I hate to do this shit.

Few child predators
in the area, and uh...

You wouldn't happen to have
your computer on you,

would you?
We just want to make sure

there's no fucking kiddie porn
on that shit.

Look at y'all,
got all tight and shit.

"Don't talk about racism."

Laugh at this shit.

If you don't laugh,
you gonna stress out.

If you don't laugh,
you gonna stress the fuck out.

I promise.

Yeah, suicide and depression
and anxiety,

right now, is at all-time high.

Check on your strong friend.

I'm not talking about
those motherfuckers

that announce it every weekend.
"I'm gonna kill myself again."

Shut the fuck up.

"Kill myself again."

I'm talking about them
quiet people, subdued,

the people that
looking like they happy.

Them the people
we need to check on.

I'll never forget,
my daughter was 12 years old,

threaten to kill herself.
Broke my heart.

All-all because I brought
her the wrong pair

of tennis shoes home.

She said, "Dad, what are those?

"I can't wear those.

They gonna tease me at school.
I'm gonna get bullied."

I said, "What?
That's all I can afford."

She said, "No. Uh-uh.

"I don't want
to be here no more.

I want to die.
I want to kill myself."

I say, "Look here, Ivy.

"If you do that shit,

"don't you do that shit
in this house.

"I ain't finna come home,
find your goofy ass

"spinning around
on the ceiling fan.

"You done made the house
all haunted and shit.

"Your little weak ass ghost
knocking over shit.

"You up there turning around

"like the last hot dog
at 7-Eleven.

Put these fucking Skechers on
and take your ass to school."

And last year, she graduated
from Spelman University.

[cheers and applause]

And her sister Avane
will graduate this year.

Ain't God good?

Yeah, people stressing out.
That's why they resorting to,

like, you know,
substance abuse and shit.

Fucking with crack and meth,
all that bullshit.

Anybody ever try
some real shit, crack or meth?

[laughter]

What's worse, crack or meth,
if we had to do it?

Oh, y'all acting all bougie?
Hypothetical.

Let's say I came
in this room with a gun,

both them drugs in my hand.

Okay, motherfuckers, you gonna
try one of these fucking drugs.

Crack or meth?
What it's gonna be, bro?

- Crack.

[laughter and applause]

- Yeah, I'ma fuck
with the crack, too, bro.

Crack seem more healthy
than meth, don't it?

That meth,
that's some different shit.

Get some crack,
you gonna steal some shit.

You'll steal from anybody.
My uncle stole from my grandma.

That's some low shit.
That's bad right there.

But meth, you probably fuck
around and steal your grandma.

You show up to the drug dealer.

I got this bitch.

This my nana.

$10.

Hey, if I was addicted
to something,

I wouldn't give a damn.
I'd do it everywhere.

If I was on heroin,
I'd get on this goddamn stage.

Make some motherfucking noise!

Put your needles in the sky.
You ready to turn the fuck up?

Y'all hella funny.

Yeah, I'm gonna
do this shit forever.

'Cause I'm good at it.
I know I'm good at this shit.

Yeah, I know that.

[cheers and applause]
No, no, no, no, no.

No, no. No, no, no, no.
I say that--I say that lightly

because it's a lot
of people out there

that ain't good
at what they do,

and they keep doing that shit.

You see somebody that
ain't good at something,

tell them to stop.

I had a cousin that be boxing.

He getting his ass beat.

Shh. Everybody be quiet. Shh.

Don't make a sound. Shh. Shh.

This how quiet it be in the car

with a motherfucker
that got his ass beat.

'Cause you don't know
what to say.

I had to break
the ice one time.

I was like,
"Why you tell us to come?

Don't invite people to some
shit you ain't good at."

My auntie had t-shirts made.

I said, "I ain't
wearing that shit."

He on front of the shirt
like he be winning and shit.

She said, "Why you don't
want to wear a shirt?"

'Cause it don't represent
what the fuck

that be happening
to him in the ring.

If he was on front
of the shirt like this...

Extra large, let me get two.
He be getting hit hella hard.

One time, he got hit so hard

he started playing
another sport in the ring.

He thought he got fouled.
He went to the free throw line.

Hey, I'm DC Ervin.
Rest in peace, Cerain Baker.

Thank you very much.
Thank you. Appreciate it.

[cheers and applause]

- Give it up for my brother,
DC Ervin!

DC Ervin. Love that boy.
Funny dude.

But he a hypocrite-ass,
nigga, though.

'Cause he's
a halfway germaphobe.

He's one of these niggas
that, you know,

proclaim to be a germaphobe,
but nigga, are you really?

Like, ever since COVID,
this nigga walk around,

he got the antibacterial gel
in his hands,

he wiping the shit off,
he got the wipes,

he be wiping shit down.

This nigga wears two mask.

Two mask.

But he's still
fucking bitches raw.

And I'm just so confused
by this.

Nigga, you scared of COVID

but you ain't afraid
of STDs, nigga?

All right, we gonna
keep this going.

This next comedian,
I have no idea who she is.

Apparently, she was on
"Wild 'N Out."

She was on Tiffany Haddish's
"They Ready."

She is the funniest dude
in my family.

Y'all get up for my baby,
Miss Chaunté Wayans.

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

- What up, California,
aw, yeah!

You doing good?
This nigga looking at me like,

"Who is this dude
with titties onstage?"

I know what I look like.
You know what's crazy?

I'm not gonna lie.

I thought dudes
would stay hollering at me.

I thought I would
never lose with dudes.

That is not the case at all.

It's only two types of dudes
that still try to holla at me.

That's New Yorkers and Indians.

The only two types of niggas.

'Cause New Yorkers
don't give a fuck.

They see you, they be like,
"You see that chick right there

"with the hoodie bubble coat,

"the fitted with the hoodie
on top and the skully?

That bitch got nice tits
right there."

You be like, "Damn,
how you see all that?"

And Indians? Whoo, Indians.
I get two types of them too.

I get the dudes
that walk like this.

They just be looking
for they prey.

They be hunting.
Like, I don't care who it is.

They-they look like they never
been told in they life.

Them and 7-Eleven
Indians love me.

When I say love me,
I could go into the store

full throttle stud outfit,
okay?

Looking like a whole dude.

They look at me, they be like,
"You have boyfriend?"

I'll be standing there like...
[inaudible]

Like, "No, I don't
have boyfriend."

They like, "Why you don't
have boyfriend?"

Like, some free Fritos,
I don't have boyfriend.

How about that?

They love me.

Nah, I knew--I knew when was
the last day I said fuck dudes.

I knew.
'Cause everybody-everybody

always want to know the story.

What? What? Who hurt you?
Who was the dude that did it?

And I'll tell you,
when I was in high school,

I dated this dude
in special ed.

[groans and laughter]

Chill out. Give me a chance.

Dated this dude in special ed.
His name was Darrell.

Flyest dude
in special ed class.

Half of the--
half of the school, too, okay?

Nigga always had
the latest Jordans on.

His legs were like this,
like, in a forever pose.

But he was laced.
Haircut and everything.

I used to see him
in the hallways all the time.

He used to be like,
"Yo, Chaunté.

Let me walk you to class."

And I was like, damn,
this man is smooth.

He's like, "No,
I really talk like this.

Let me walk you to class."

Now, let me tell you
something, fellas.

There's this thing
called persistence.

He was very persistent
and adamant

about trying to date me.

So for jokes, I say,
you know what, I'll date him.

You know what I mean?

This is cute,
you know what I mean?

Get a little dude.

And the crazy thing was,
as I started dating him,

I realized how amazing
of a man he was.

He used to always
get out of school,

or class, early, so he was
always picking me up on time.

Nigga used to get out,
have free lunch.

I used to get
the fresh square pizzas,

just ready, waiting for me.

He's like,
"What you need, Chaunté?

I got you."

Y'all ain't shit.

Let me tell you why.

'Cause I dated him
for two weeks,

and I don't know
what it is about women,

but when you see somebody
with somebody

you don't think
they supposed to be dating,

y'all always want them too.

And two weeks later,
I caught him cheating on me.

[audience oohs]

Real talk. I caught him.

I was like, "Yo, who the hell
is this chick?"

He was like, "Hold on, Chaunté.
She understand me. She under--"

She in the back of him, like,

"Yeah, bitch,
I got your man, bitch."

Did you just cheat on me
with another--

My home boy like, "Yo,
don't give up on the fellas.

You just need somebody,
a special dude."

I was like,
"Nigga, I literally...

Just tried to date
a special dude."

It's fucked up.

I hate traveling.

I hate traveling
'cause I don't trust TSA.

TSA never finds the shit
that they supposed to find.

Real talk. Prime example.

Took my girl
out of town with me.

Wanted to be a little freaky,
so I brought my strap.

- Yeah!

- She said, "Ayoh."

If y'all don't know
what that is, ladies,

I'm sure y'all got
a few of them

in your drawers next to you,
and, uh,

fellas, it's like
forgetting your penis at home,

pretty much.

I told her--I said,
"Baby, I'ma bring it with me."

She's like, "You gonna put it
under the plane?"

I was like, "For what?

"We might want to get
freaky in the airport,

so I'ma put that shit
in my bookbag."

The whole night,
I kept thinking TSA

is gonna pull my shit out.

So I'm practicing with my girl.
I'm practicing my shit.

I'm like, "Baby, pull it out.
Let's practice."

She pull it out.
She's like, "What is this?"

I'm like, "That's my dick.
What you think it is?"

I was like,
"Oh, that was too aggressive?

My bad. That is my penis, sir.
Can I get it back?"

Practice this all night.
Get to the airport.

My bag go through TSA.
Bag go through TSA.

They push it aside.
I look at my girl.

I go, "Baby, this is it.
My dick."

The dude go in my bag
and pull out a can of tuna fish

and say, "What is this?"

I said, "There's a whole dick
in my bag.

The fuck?"

That was too graphic
for you, sir?

You like,

"I ain't come here to hear
about fake dicks, okay?"

I don't know if y'all saw me.
Forgive me, but y'all seen me

trying to stretch my lips
over my teeth.

I got braces.
Got braces at a old-ass age.

I was like, fuck that shit.

I don't care if I was 102
with two teeth.

I'll be like, "Baby,
put some braces on that

and put them together."

But I'm cheap.

And, uh, there's one thing
you shouldn't be cheap about,

is your teeth.

My dumb ass went to--
it's the opposite of Eastern.

I went to Eastern Dental.

If y'all don't know
what this is.

It's like the Dollar Tree
of dentistry.

This place should be called
Students of Eastern Dental.

I go there the first time.

Crazy thing is,
I feel like this shit

is following me everywhere.

Walk up in there.
Everybody got a disability.

I'm all for equal opportunity,
but not on my damn mouth.

First dude that started working
on my teeth, his hand shook.

I don't know
if you had braces before,

but they got to put
this little ass band in

while holding a sharp object.

So he's sitting there,
getting in my teeth,

and blaming me.
He's like, "Keep still."

I'm like, "Nigga, it's you!"

Went to the front desk
to complain.

She's like, "Don't worry
about it, I got you."

Switched it up, next dude,
I thought was being polite.

He was like, "Right this way.
Right this way."

Sat down. Nigga had one arm.

I paid for a two-arm thing,
okay?

And now I'm pissed.
I want my money back.

I go up to the front desk.

I'm like, "Ma'am,
I want my shit."

Arguing with her.

She--listen,
when you give your money away,

ain't no way in hell
you really getting it back,

especially from a place
like Eastern Dental.

You just not getting the shit.

She act like--she actually
pretended to call corporate.

I don't know
what number she dialed,

'cause she wasn't
looking at the phone.

She was like,
"Boop. Boop. Boop."

She was doing the sound
effects and everything.

I said, "Man, you playing me.

Let me talk to
the fucking manager."

I go sit down in the office,

wait for the manager,
the manager come in.

And all I hear is,
"Chaunté Wayans?"

I said, "Darrell?"

Hey, my name is Chaunté Wayans.

Hey, Cerain. Ned too.
I love you, bros.

- Give it up for my baby,
Chaunté Wayans.

[cheers and applause]

I'm so happy, man.

I'm happy to have her
back in my life.

Yeah, because she stopped
talking to me for two years.

Because I farted on her lap.

And all I could think was,
how stink was my fart

for you to not talk to me
for two years?

And it was
an aggressive fart too.

It wasn't like a...
[blows air]

I sat on her lap
and went, "Blop! Blop!"

- The fart came on stage
with me.

I literally had to go,
"Hey, I'm Chaunté Wayans.

This is Marlon fart.
Give it up."

- Here's the funniest part.
I farted on her lap.

"Blop!" She was like,
"That's disgusting!

I'm a lady!"
I said, "Bitch, since when?"

Yo, keep this going.
Y'all having a good time?

[cheers and applause]

All right, this next comedian
he's so funny, man,

he was the winner of TBS comedy
competition "Funniest Wins."

He's written for shows
like CBS' "The Neighborhood,"

NBC's "Marlon,"
and HBO "Game Theory."

Straight out of Fort Worth,
Texas.

Give it up for my man,
Mr. Sydney Castillo.

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

- What's up, L.A.?
Make some noise. How we doing?

Make some noise, man.

Yeah, man. Looking good.

I got a suit on, man.
Feeling myself, dog.

I'ma go in somebody DM tonight,
know what I'm talbout?

Listen, I'm all for going into
DM, but when you do it, man,

you gotta have confidence,
dog, swag.

Go in there with a purpose.

Like, "What's up?
My name's Sydney.

"I'm trying
to change your life.

"You got a boyfriend?
Hmm. That's cute.

"What's it say on your taxes?

"Exactly--
write your number down

so we can go lay down,
nah mean?"

Just don't look at movies
for your barometer of love,

'cause they're a lie, right?

Like, I was watching "Django"
last night, right? Exactly.

"Django" about a slave who been
enslaved his whole life

then escaped slavery.

Then went back into slavery
to get his girl.

Nigga, absolutely not.

Once I escape slavery
and you don't,

I'm single, nah mean?

I'm not coming back to get you.
"Why not?"

'Cause you're in slavery,
silly.

"Where you headed?"
North.

"What you about to go do?"
I don't know. Have some coffee.

It's my first day.

I was married, man.
Divorced in these streets now,

you know what I'm talbout?

We was in counseling,
you know what I mean?

You ever did,
like, couples counseling?

Oh. That shit so fun.

'Cause here's
what they don't tell you.

You trying to win the session,
you know what I mean?

It's the first one of three,
you know what I'm talbout?

That way you can talk
your shit in the car, like,

"Get your shit together,"
you know what I mean?

When you get prepared
for counseling, you get hype.

You study,
you know what I mean?

Talk to your homeboy, like,
"You got the game plan?"

Say this.
Like, "All right, bet."

I'm in counseling,
like, all hype.

Like, "What's up, Sydney?"
What's up, therapist?

Let's go.

We in a session one time.
It's tied 1-1.

I need this point, nah mean?

But I'm good.
I talked to my homegirls.

Stayed up all the night before,
like,

I had a plan,
you know what I mean?

She hit me smooth,
she was like,

"He don't like the fact
that I don't think he funny."

Exactly, which is crazy
'cause she at home right now,

I'm on HBO.
I was like, all right, bet.

All right. All right.
All right. All right.

[cheers and applause]

But when you--
when you in counseling,

and they say that,
you gotta take it,

'cause you can't look angry,
right?

You a big Black dude.
You just gotta take it.

She like,
"He don't like the fact

that I think he ain't funny."
I was like, "Ha, ha, ha, ha."

He like, Sydney, you good?"
I'm like, "Just tag me in.

I got it. Tag me in," right?
I need this point.

It's 1-1, right?
Here was my answer.

I said, "Do I need her
to think I'm funny?

I said, "Where we live
costs $3,300 a month.

"I pay it every month
because I'm funny.

"I don't need you
to think I'm funny.

We live the way we do, bitch,
'cause I'm funny."

Right? Right? Right?
The counselor didn't clap.

He was like, "You shouldn't
have said 'bitch.'"

I was like, "Wow."

I say it once a year,
you know what I mean?

You ever get so mad
you gotta leave the house?

Like, leave the place you
pay for, where you pay bills?

You gotta step outside
in the world

and get your thoughts together,
right?

That used to be me, man.

I used to be
at the grocery store, dog,

with a shopping cart,
nothing in it,

just planning my argument
for later, right?

You just walking around like,

"Oh, I'm about to hit her
with so many facts!"

'Cause you know,
when you dating a Black woman,

you can't just break up
with her, right?

You gotta have execution.

You can't just be like,
"Yo, listen, it's not working."

She gonna be like, "Shut up."
Be like...

Damn.
"What happened?"

She told me to shut up, dog.

You gotta have
a game plan, man.

You gotta have, like, you know
what I mean, your facts,

a couple Bible verses,
you know what I mean?

"And Jesus said, Jesus said."
Ahh!

Black women love Jesus
and ibuprofen,

you know what I'm talbout?

I'm walking around
the grocery store, dog.

I'm mad, planning
my arguments for later.

Like, "Ooh, I'm gonna hit her,"
you know what I mean,

"with so many facts," right?

I got hit on
by this gay dude, right?

I ain't even see him coming.
He just shot his shot, right?

I'm thinking about
some other shit, right?

I'm walking around.

He was like, "You never
have to work another day

again in your life."

He was like 6'6".
He was bigger than me.

I was like, "What?"
He's like, "You heard me.

Ain't nobody scared of you."

"I said you'll never
have to work another day

again in your life, handsome."

Right? I was like, "Boy...

"boy, if you don't--
boy, if you don't get, man.

"Like, mm...

"What you mean never?

Break it down, my man.
I got debt."

It was a old Black lady
watching.

She was like, "Ah-ha-ha,
okay, we in L.A., uh-uh-uh.

You gonna answer his question?"
Right?

I was like, "The answer
no, silly," nah mean?

Of course not. No! Right?

Got in my car, shut the door,
sat down, I was pissed.

I was like, "Not another day?"
[growls]

Like, I'm not gay, right?

But that's a good deal,
you know what I mean?

Went home, told me girl,
"Hey, get your shit together.

"I got people offering me deals

where I ain't never
gotta work again."

What's her name?
"Larry."

[laughter and applause]

Shut up.

Single, man, I ain't been
single in a minute,

so it's new out here,
you know what I mean?

Everything new.
I tell women this.

I'm honest with women.
You gotta be honest.

Most men be lying.
I'm very honest with women.

I'm like, "Look, dog, I'm 40.
I'm successful.

"I don't have any kids.
Nah mean?

"I'm not wearing a condom
if we have sex.

I mean that so graciously."
You know what I mean?

I'm not at the age
where I'm scared

if I have a baby,
you know what I mean?

Yeah. I'm not.
"I'm pregnant."

Well, we finna have
a family, silly.

Why you crying?

Go move in the other room,
stink, you know what I mean?

We live together now,
silly willy.

She crying.
I'm calling my homeboys.

You thought I was out
the game, but I'm not!

In the fourth quarter
with the final shot!

Not wearing a condom, man.
I'm not.

Nah mean? Young women
care about a divorce.

They do. Young women be like,
"You going through a divorce?

"That's a lot. Ooh. Ooh.

No, you got a lot going on.
Ooh. Mm-mm. Mm-mm."

Women who never been
married, like,

35 to 40, don't care
about no divorce.

You going through divorce?
"Yeah."

Did you serve her?
"Yeah."

Well, let's go eat.

I don't care about
that little divorce.

Does your dick work?"
I'm like, "Sometimes."

LeBron don't play like he did
when he was 23, right?

Yeah, well, quit judging me.

LeBron need to sit out
a couple games

before he plays again.
He's on rest.

Sometimes I need
some dick rest.

But if you would still like it,
fine, we'll do it.

I'm not gonna
leave you out there,

you know what I mean?

Anybody here took
a dick pill before?

Oh, we on HBO,
so everybody gonna act

brand-new in here?

Okay, I'll just talk to myself.

You can go to any
gas station pill, right?

Any gas station.

You can go to any
gas station in America,

and it's a pill
behind the counter, right?

It got a little rhino on it.

Make your dick feel like,
"Rawr," you know what I mean?

Oh, look, now we know
what we talking about.

Okay. Can I get a witness?
Okay.

♪ For $13,
you can have a penis ♪

♪ Of a 16-year-old ♪

You know what I mean?

Only thing, when you buying it,
it's always like a nosy

Black woman behind you
judging the whole time, right?

So when you buy it, you gotta
buy it on the low, you know?

Like, give me 20 on 7.
Let me get some chips.

Let me get that pill
real quick right there.

Yeah.
Yeah, throw it on the ground.

Throw it on the ground.
Appreciate it.

You go the whole way
to the car.

Appreciate it, bro.
Everybody doing?

Yeah. mind your business.
Mind your business.

Pick it up outside.
Put it in your mouth.

Drink a whole bottle of water.
A hour later, whoo-hoo-hoo!

Can't nobody compete
with you, right?

Here's what
they don't tell you.

It will get you "Rawr," right?

But it speed up
your heart rate.

Exactly.

So the whole time you in it,
you think you about to die.

You sweating. I'm bald-headed.

My heart coming
through my chest.

I'm like, "Oh, my God!

Oh shit!"
She think she doing something.

What's wrong?
You can't handle this?

You can't handle this?

I'm sitting here like,
"Call my mama!

Call my mama now!"

Hey, y'all been great.
I'm Sydney Castillo.

Thank y'all very much.

[cheers and applause]

Hey.

- Keep it going
for Sydney Castillo.

[cheers and applause]

All right, man, listen.

We call this next man
the Closer.

One of my favorites
in L.A., all around.

He closes out Chocolate Sundays
at the Laugh Factory.

He was in "Idlewild."

He was a writer
on NBC "Marlon."

Y'all give it up for
my brother, Mr. Esau McGraw.

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

- Dyslexia is a fucked up word
to have to spell

if you have it.

They should have named
that shit "Wow, wow."

No matter how you
turn them letters...

Still spells "wow, wow."

Man, when you grow up
in the fucking '80s, man,

and you got fucking dyslexia,

it ain't no goddamn diagnosis
for that shit.

You just a slow motherfucker.
I used to talk fast

'cause I thought
that's what it meant.

"Ain't nothing wrong
with me, motherfucker."

I grew up early in the
dysfunction of Black people.

With a original
fucked-up ass family,

that I love to death.

Start with my grandmama.
Had 13 kids.

Started having them way younger
than she was supposed to.

My mama's the oldest of the 13.

Got eight kids of her own.

Started having them way younger
than she was supposed to.

I'm the middle of her eight.

Long story short,
I'm raising my uncle.

He nine.

I'm a grown-ass man.

This dude in the third grade.

I'm his nephew.

I pick this little fucker
up from school,

he jump in my car
and pull family rank.

Make a right, then a left,
then a right.

"You live with me, boy!"

When we get home,
you gonna go to bed.

"No, you gonna go to bed."
No, you gonna go to bed.

"No, you gonna go to bed."

You know my mama
your mama mama.

"I know your mama
my mama mama, motherfucker."

My grandmama died,
left me with this nigga.

My wife left me. No money.

My car got repoed two days

after I picked this nigga
up from school.

My life is in the trash.

And now I'm riding
the fucking bus.

Anybody in here ever been
on the motherfucking bus?

all: Yeah!

- The bus is transportation
for the lost and the damned.

And I'm both of them
motherfuckers.

I'm on the bus
with a fucked-up ass attitude.

My grandmama dead.

Everybody on the bus
pissed off, including me.

You know where I sit
when I ride the bus?

Guess.

In the front of that bitch.

In them Rosa Parks seats.

Right behind the driver.

You didn't fucking drag
Mrs. Parks off that bus,

beat her ass, throw her in jail
for nothing, nigga.

I'ma sit in her seat.

That's how fucked up
my attitude was.

One day, I'm riding the bus.

They got the nerve to pick up

a motherfucker in a wheelchair.

I said, "Hell no.

"It's gonna take y'all forever

"to get this motherfucker
on this bus.

"I'm already running
a little bit late.

"Y'all gotta send
that lift out for him.

[imitates mechanical whirring]

"Then you gotta strap his ass
down to that, pull him in.

[imitates mechanical whirring]

"You gotta tell these
five people to get the fuck up,

"get your ass back to them
civil rights seats.

"Click that bitch up,

back him into them brakes,
and take off."

And I know I'm
a fucking piece of shit,

'cause I can't stop
thinking to myself...

"They bet not drop this
motherfucker off before me."

The story get worse.

It get worser than that.

They let another crippled
motherfucker on the bus!

He learned how to walk again,
but not that good.

Look, this motherfucker,
he get on this bus.

He get on this bus.

He put his money in the thing.

Turn around.

Bus is sold out.

Not a seat available...

On this bitch.

Guess where I'm sitting?

In them blue seats,
them Rosa Parks seats.

Turned sideways.
You can stretch your feet out

in the aisle
and get comfortable.

This nigga's on the bus.
He looking right at me.

I know what he thinking.
I can feel his eye whites

burning the side
of my fucking head.

He looked right at me.
I know what he thinking.

He don't know me.

I know what he thinking.

"Look at me.

You in my seat."

The dude in the wheelchair
already laughing.

You know what I was thinking?

What do handicapped people
always say?

"Don't treat me...

Like something wrong with me.

Treat me like you treat
everybody else."

"Okay.

You stand up and ride this bus,
you crooked-ass motherfucker."

That's how fucked up I was.

I made this dude ride
this bus holding on

to that leather strap
all the way downtown.

Look, he riding that...

You can laugh.
The dude in the wheelchair

laughing his ass off.

That bus hit a bump. Boop!

And I'm sitting there,
and my head is in my ass,

'cause I'm a fucking
piece of shit.

And this dude in this
wheelchair got up this morning

and put his shoes on
for no reason at all.

But he got up this morning.
He got after it.

I stopped that bullshit,
and I started to do better.

And we all just got
to do better.

You know what I mean?

I stopped fucking
judging people.

I don't fuck--
I don't give a fuck, man.

Get some happiness
in your life.

People out here
dropping like flies.

I don't give a fuck
what your love look like.

Get you some of that shit.
It's good. It feel good.

I don't give a fuck
if it's two dudes, two girls,

old, young, different
nationalities, get you some.

I'm trying to get me some.

So if you don't judge me,
I won't judge you, deal?

all: Deal.
- Good.

'Cause I'm dating
a 71-year-old woman right now.

She's nasty. I love her.
Don't judge me.

She been sucking dick
for 52 years.

She was a freak
before I was born.

[wailing]

Only thing I don't like is,
she insists

on calling me Dr. King
while we do it.

She be like, "March all
through it, Dr. King.

Stomp all through it."

I be like, "Will you stop
calling me Dr. King?"

I love her.

She got big, wide shoulders,
big ass titties.

Ahh!

Little narrow hips
and skinny legs.

Built like a wisdom tooth.

[mouthing words]

We love to roleplay.

She's teaching me so much.

One night,
she grabbed me by my throat,

threw me down on the bed,
slid that old Negro League

catcher's mitt down
on top of me.

Get it, Dr. King.

March all through it, Dr. King.

I started to get into it.

I reached around
and unclicked her bra.

Them titties swung down
like click-clacks.

[mouthing words

Hey, you guys been great.
Enjoy the rest of your life.

Thank you so much.

Yeah, yeah.

- Y'all get it going
for my man Esau McGraw.

[cheers and applause]

Esau!

A'ight.
So that's the show, y'all.

I want to bring out
all the comics one more time.

I want to bring out
my headliners.

First up, DC Ervin.

Tony Baker.

Chaunté Wayans.

Sydney Castillo.

And Esau McGraw.

[cheers and applause]

Y'all been
a beautiful audience,

beautiful Black excellence.
I'm glad we had these laughs.

See y'all next time.
Thank y'all. God bless.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪