All language subtitles for Keeping.Up.with.the.Kardashians.S01E01.WEBRip.Netflix.en[cc]

[Kim] I am starving.

[Khlo�] Don't you have
a photoshoot tomorrow?

Stop eating!

[whispering] I think she has
a little junk in the trunk.

[laughter]

She's, like, got the jiggles.

[shushing]

[Khlo�] Mom, she's always had an ass,

where did this come from?

-Well, a little cardio.
-[Kim] I hear you talking about me.

That is so, like, catty of you.

[Kim] What are you talking about?

She said you have
a lot of junk in your trunk.

[Kris] I meant outside in your car.

There's some stuff in your car
we need to get out.

[Kim] I hate you all.

Welcome to my family.

-[shutters clicking]
-[man] Kim, right here.

I'm Kim Kardashian.

[Kim] The princess is in the building.

[Khlo�] I'm Khlo�.

My sisters say I'm a bitch.

Who the [bleep] cares? Shut up, everyone.

But I always have
their best interests at heart.

[Kourtney] I'm Kourtney.

I'm the oldest and the most mature.

I really think you should
tighten your bikini top

'cause your [bleep] look really saggy.

[Kris] I'm Kris Jenner.

Because I'm the mom!

I'm the mom and Kim's manager.

Okay, Kim. It's your world,
I just live in it.

Say what you want,
but I know what's best for my kids,

and my husband.

[Bruce] I'm Bruce Jenner.

And I am a pushover for my family.

Kendall! Sit down!

Up to a point.

And then Bruce and I together
have Kendall and Kylie Jenner.

My little Kendall.

We're gonna have
two cocktails on the rocks.

-[bleep] yeah!
-[Bruce] You shouldn't be on the pole.

-Oh, my God!
-Can you believe it?

So it's six kids and two crazy parents.

We're the modern-day Brady Bunch
with a kick.

[Bruce] Hey, hey, hey, hey.

-[gasps]
-Whoo!

I wish I was adopted!

You are so evil.

[Kim] There's a lot of baggage
that comes with us,

but it's like Louis Vuitton baggage.
You always want it.

-[all yelling]
-[Kim] Get off of me, you fatty!

-[Bruce] All right, we're ready.
-No, no, no, you're right here.

The wind, you guys, is this necessary?

Go change. Awful.

No, that is not cute.

[man] Yeah, yeah, yeah, go on.

I need someone to make me laugh.

Where's Kim?

[Khlo�] Kim is always late.

I am here.

-[Kourtney] Get out of our way!
-Stop!

-[Kim] Jealous?
-[Bruce] Stop!

[Kris] That's enough!

-[man 1] All right, you guys.
-[man 2] That's it, we're done.

[man 3] Money.

[tutting]

So, what do you girls
have plans for today?

Just getting ready for the pah-ty?

Bruce and I have been married
for 16 years,

so we decided to have a little
get-together tomorrow at the house

and celebrate our anniversary.

[Bruce] Who's coming to the party?

The Cranes and the Cokers and the Miles.

Is anybody gonna ask me who I invited?

[Khlo�] Do you have any friends
besides my mom's friends?

Yeah?

[Kim] There's no way
to tone down anything with my mom.

She wants a huge party,
and Bruce would probably rather just...

do nothing, or golf.

[Khlo�] Who'd you invite, Bruce?

-Nobody.
-[Khlo�] No one? [laughs]

The only friends I have is my family.

[Khlo�] Those are
the best kind of friends.

We'll never screw you over.

[Kris] Hey, Kim, what are you doing?

So, I just got a call
from Tyra Banks' people,

and they want you to go on
The Tyra Banks Show.

-They want me to go on Tyra?
-Uh-huh.

Tyra Banks has asked me
to be on her show next week

and I'm so excited.

Oh, my gosh, that's so cool. I love Tyra.

I know. How cool would that be?

-There's just one little catch.
-What?

You'd have to talk about the tape.

One of the things that Tyra's gonna
wanna talk about is the sex tape.

When I first heard about Kim's tape,
as her mother, I wanted to kill her.

But as her manager,
I knew that I had a job to do,

and I really just wanted her
to move past it.

I don't wanna talk about it.

[Kris] I know,
but you could just, you know,

be honest and say how you feel, and...

-Kind of just set the record straight?
-Yeah, you could do that.

[Kim] That was with my boyfriend
of three years

that I was very much in love with,

and whatever we did in our private time...

was our private time,

and never once did we think
that it would get out.

I'm gonna be Tyra
and you're gonna be Kim Kardashian.

So, what do you do for a living?

-[Khlo� chuckles]
-Tell me.

I own a clothing store
and I'm a wardrobe stylist.

Why did you make a sex tape?

Because I was horny and I felt like it.

[Kris and Khlo� laughing]

[Kourtney] I'm gonna get the butterfish.

Thanks.

[waiter] If you have any questions
or you need anything, my name's T.J.

-Thanks.
-All right. I'm Scott, that's Kourtney.

[waiter] Nice to meet you too.

Wait! Cheers.

-You don't even say cheers?
-Oh, I forgot!

[Kourtney] My boyfriend's name is Scott.

We were friends for about a year,
and then started dating,

and been together ever since.

-[Kourtney] Can I have my phone?
-No.

-Why?
-Let's see if anybody even contacted you.

[Kourtney] That's not
what I'm looking for.

[Scott] ]Hey, you have no missed calls.
Nothing. So what could it really...

-That's not what I'm looking for.
-You wanna know the time? 9:30.

-No, I want my phone, though.
-[Scott] For what?

You always give me [bleep]
for talking on my phone at dinner.

Did you need to contact your
wireless server for some reason?

You're obviously
in a really annoying mood.

[Scott] Is that right?

At least your hair looks nice.

With your $5,000 extensions.

[waiter] The chocolate souffl�
will be right up.

We'll just have the check.

-Okay, I'll be right back with that.
-Thank you.

[Khlo�] I run DASH with my sisters.

It is a high fashion women's boutique.

It's a place that we all
get to catch up and relax

and just gossip with one another.

Honestly, I could not
see Scott ever doing that.

Like, I have never seen him act this way.

-He was, like, crazy.
-[Khlo�] I wish I was there.

[Kourtney] So when you wrote me,
"What sign is he..."

-Yeah, but then I figured it out...
-"Is he a Gemini?"

-And I was like, "Oh, my God!" Gemini.
-Geminis.

Twin personalities.

They're [bleep] psycho, dude.
I used to date a Gemini.

-[Kourtney] I know.
-[Khlo�] Freakshow.

-Hey!
-Oh! Look who comes to town.

-Well?
-Hey.

Hey, Khlo�.

-Hi.
-Hey.

Um... will you come outside
with me for a sec?

You okay, sweetie?

Um, so you're gonna be nice today?

[Scott] Why wouldn't I be?

[Kourtney] I was so shocked
at how you acted.

Like, it was just so not like you.
You've never acted like that before

and I don't even know where it came from.

I have serious doubts about Scott,

because I found out
he's cheating on Kourtney.

And as her mom, I wanna tell her,

but I don't know how.

[Scott] Precious.

[Khlo�] I love how quickly
you two can make up.

Love is the weirdest thing.

-You know what, Khlo...
-Make-ups to break-ups...

It ain't happening here.

-[barber] What you got going on?
-[Bruce] Anniversary at the house today.

With your wife?

-Sixteen years.
-Oh, Jesus.

Hey, you wanna know what the life
of a male when you have little girls,

-what it is?
-What?

So these little girls,
they just love their daddy.

Everything is great.

And then they hit about 12.

But then you know what happens?

-What?
-Your wife hits menopause.

[barber laughs]

See? That's the life of a male,
right there.

[Kourtney] Thanks.

-Hello.
-[woman] Hi, how are you?

-[Kris] Fine, how are you?
-Hi. I'm good.

I'm having an anniversary party tonight

-and we wanted to get some wines.
-[woman] Okay.

Do you have something we can taste that...

-I do. I have two whites and two reds.
-Great.

You can try them both
and see what you like.

This is a Tangent Viognier.

-Viognier is the grape.
-[Kris] Oh, okay.

Not loving this one.

[Kourtney] I don't know. It tastes soapy.

-Do you have any tequila?
-[woman] We do.

[Bruce] Hey, guys.

Your hair looks good.

I got a little... I went to the Chop Shop.

How are you guys doing?

You got, what, an hour before...

Well, Mom, Kourtney and Kim are not here.

And if someone could find Mom,
I've been trying to call them.

-[Bruce] Mm.
-No one's answering.

I don't think I've ever had whiskey.

[exhales]

-Can I just have a little bit more?
-[woman] Sure.

[Kris] One thing's leading to another...

-[Kourtney] Oh, my God.
-Whoa.

[Kris] ...and sure enough,

we find ourselves tasting about
six or seven different kinds of liquor.

[Kourtney] Happy love day.

-Thank you.
-Thank you.

[Khlo�] So the party's already started,

and Kourtney and my mom
are nowhere to be found.

[Kris] Khlo�'s gonna kill us.

All right. Uh-oh.

-Oh, my God!
-[Bruce] Where you guys been?

[Khlo�] It's about time.

-There's a party outside.
-Did we get in late?

-How many people are here?
-Are you drunk?

No.

Her and Kourtney are wasted.

We're just... came to fix the party.

[Khlo�] "Fix the party?"

[Kris] Well, you know,
fix things for the party.

We're gonna go...
[stutters] cheer everyone on

-and say hi.
-Yeah.

-You look so cute, though.
-Come on, hold my little hand.

Get it, honey!

-Get it, shorty.
-Let's go.

Cutie pie.

I'm gonna go take care of 'em.

-Whose voice do I hear?
-The princess is in the building.

[Khlo�] Oh, nice dress, Kim.

That dress is amazing.

I saw it once and I think I asked
for it back a couple months ago.

Oh, my God!

[Khlo�] If anything happens to my dress,

I'm literally gonna strangle her
and beat her with a bat.

[funky music playing]

[record scratching]

It was crazy.

[Kim] So I'm talking to Robin Antin.

She created the Pussycat Dolls.

So I have to show her the gift I got
for Mom and Bruce, a stripper pole.

-Ready? Dip, six, and dip. Yeah.
-Five...

Shake, shake, shake, bite.

Down and up...

Perfect.

[Kim] Oh, my God. I'm ripping this dress.

-Khlo�'s gonna kill me.
-[Robin] Oh, my God.

Hey, guys! Look what I can do.

[laughing] Oh, my God!

[all laughing]

-You are a future Pussycat Doll.
-Let me see that.

Oh, my God.

-That's so good.
-Oh, my God!

How did you learn how to do that?

-[Bruce] Hey, what's going on in here?
-[Robin laughing] Oh, my God!

I can't believe it.

Kylie, I just don't think
that's appropriate.

-Are you serious?
-No. It's not funny.

-See you in eight years.
-[Kylie] No, Daddy, stop!

I know.

-[shrieks]
-We're outta here.

-[Kylie shrieking]
-[Bruce] Come on, let's go.

Bye!

[Scott] Mmm.

[Kris] Kourtney and Scott,
stop making out!

-Don't hate.
-[Khlo�] It's cute, don't hate.

[tapping on glass]

People, people.

We're here to celebrate
the lovely matrimony

of Kris and Bruce Jenner.

[woman] Yay!

[Bruce] I'd just like to say thank you
for some of our old friends

and some of our new friends
coming out here today.

I've been very blessed
for the last 16 years

and I love you to death
and I love our family,

so let's make it another 16.

[crowd] Aww!

-[applause]
-I love you too.

Kris and I met on a blind date.

I had just gone through a divorce.

Love at first sight.

We were married five months later.

[Bruce] That is our wedding day.
Back then, 16 years ago.

There's Robert, right there.

-[Kris] On our wedding day.
-[Bruce] That is the day.

-I love you.
-Love you too.

-[Kris] Thanks, guys.
-[woman] Cheers!

[Khlo�] Hello, my turn.

I would just like to say, thank God
you had a vasectomy a couple years ago.

[all laughing]

So, what do you think about
the difference in your ages?

'Cause I know that you're a little bit...

-That's the appeal.
-...younger than Kourtney...

Are you trying to push me
on to Kylie or Kendall?

-[Kris] No!
-Is that what you're doing?

-No, no, no, no, no! Stop!
-Amazing.

[Kris] I don't know.
I think it's the perfect time

to confront Scott about Kourtney.

[Kris] What I'm saying is,
Kourtney's probably at the age where

she might be looking for something
a little bit more serious.

You are not at the age
where you could potentially

get married to someone and have kids...

I love her to death.

-Kourtney!
-[Kris] No, no!

No, stop it, stop it.

Kourtney is dating a guy named Scott.

To me, he's really, really young,

and I just don't see somebody his age

settling down into
that kind of a life right now.

I don't feel like at his age...

-[Kourtney] He's not 22, he's 24.
-Okay, well, 24.

Okay, 24. Do you think he's ready
for a monogamous relationship?

But I just think that if she thought
that Scott would cheat on her...

-[woman] Yeah?
-...that she would be really upset.

[Kourtney] I don't think
Scott cheats on me.

[woman] Kris, how could you even say that?

And if he did, that's between him and I.

It's not an appropriate time
to be questioning my boyfriend.

I'm watching you.

What is your issue with me and Kourt?

Being a part of this family
isn't easy, I bet.

[Kris] I want the best for Kourtney.

The person that comes into our family

has to be someone
who has a great character.

We've seen a lot of guys come and go.

I hope you have your eyes on me.

'Cause I will never do anything
to disrespect your daughter, ever.

Aw! [chuckling]

So sugary smooth.

[Scott] Honest, though,
she wouldn't swallow that lozenge.

I'm watching you.

[laughing]

[Kim] I really don't want
to talk about it anymore.

I feel like the more I talk about it,

the more it just, you know,
gets brought up...

Are you gonna talk at all about the tape?

I'm really scared
for Kim to do The Tyra Show.

Because her very first TV interview,

she's gonna have to talk
about the sex tape openly.

I don't know.
I mean, I'll just totally be honest.

-I'm so nervous.
-Oh, don't be nervous, Kimmy!

[both] Bartender serving!

-[laughing]
-Margarita, please!

[bartender] Go, go, go! Good.

All right, shake.

-Blip, blip, blip.
-You got it. Okay, my turn.

[both singing]

Shake, shake, shake.

-Sorry, I had a little.
-Thank you.

I don't really think it's appropriate

if you're behind a bar
while we're having a party.

[Kris] My little girls, making martinis?

I am thinking,
"Maybe this isn't really happening."

I think this party is over.

[Kourtney] Thanks! Come back again soon!

-I hope you had a good anniversary.
-I had a great anniversary.

-Thank you so much.
-[Khlo�] I'm glad you and Bruce

are still making out.

Kourtney is so mad at me.

What did you say? You said,
"I don't think you're 24 years old?"

No. I said, "I think you're
a little young for Kourtney if..."

-[Bruce scoffing]
-You know, that you're too young to...

[Khlo�] That's none of your business,

and I don't think
that's appropriate of you to say that.

Seriously, you really, like...

Need to stay out
of people's personal lives.

But in this family,
that's not how it rolls.

We make it our business
to know what's going on.

I know Mom is hiding something from us
and I'm gonna get to the bottom of it.

What?

[Kris] I'm not sure
if I should tell you guys.

-[Kourtney] Spit it out.
-[Kim] What?

Cici's daughter...

-Wait, Cici's what?
-Cici's friend's daughter

was seeing Scott.

-Are you serious?
-Uh, yeah.

Cici was gonna tell Kourtney.

But then all of you guys went to Miami,
and we didn't want to ruin the trip.

You're trying to tell me that you got
a phone call from Cici about Scott

and you didn't tell Kourtney?

[Kim] I really can't believe my mom
hasn't told any of us.

And when Kourtney finds out,
she's gonna go crazy.

I'm in New York
to be on The Tyra Banks Show.

I'm bringing my best friend,
Brittny Gastineau, with me for support.

I love this dress. This is what I wear
all the time, so I wanna give it to her.

[Brittny] Did she say that she wanted it?

No. I just...

I want to fill up the segment
so she doesn't ask me, like,

questions that I don't wanna answer

-about the tape and stuff.
-[Brittny] Oh.

[laughing] It'll go by so fast.

I like this the best.
I think you look, like, so chic.

That doesn't look right.

[Brittny] It's a daytime talk show.
This is, like, perfect.

Like, that's not gonna look right.

[Kim] Maybe we should stay in the hotel.

[Brittny] Here. You zip, I hold.

[Kim grunts] It's, like, stuck.

Like, I feel good in this one,
but I also don't wanna be super boring.

Should I just bring my whole bag?

-[Brittny] The whole suitcase?
-[Kim] I have no choice.

I'm just getting really nervous.

You know, it's my first interview,
with a live audience and on camera,

so I don't wanna be nervous
and say the wrong things.

I just want it to be perfect.

Does Tyra come out and, like,
meet you before you go out?

Um, I don't think so.

[Kim] I so badly just want
Tyra Banks to be over.

I wanna just snap my fingers
and have already done the interview.

[man] Five minutes, please, folks,
five minutes till we walk.

And I gotta cut this tag out.

I wish I had more time, but I'm, like,
freaking out that I'm not fully ready.

Caleb, bring the star walking.
We're gonna mic you downstairs, okay?

I wish my sisters were here.

-[Rob] Hey, Mom.
-Hey, hon.

Will you come outside? I just want
to talk to you for a couple minutes.

This is gonna be really hard to do,

but Kourtney has the right to know
that Scott's been cheating on her.

And since I'm the one with the bad news,

I feel like I should be the one
to tell her.

I just didn't want to talk to you inside
in front of your brother,

'cause I didn't want you
to be embarrassed.

[Kourtney] Mm-hmm.

[Kris] I thought about telling you this
for a really long time,

so I don't want you to be upset or be,

-you know, sad about anything.
-Okay, spit it out.

I was talking to Cici,
because a friend of hers dated Scott,

you know, a couple months ago.

Duh, I know all about it.

You don't know the time frame.
We weren't even together.

I know exactly what you're talking about.

You knew about this the whole time?

We were not exclusive to each other.

This is, like, way old news.

I know all about it.

My boyfriend and I communicate, honey.

I feel so much better about Scott,
and I feel so embarrassed

-that I came down so hard on him.
-Maybe you should just talk to him.

-I'm sure he's embarrassed.
-He doesn't have to explain it to me.

He doesn't owe me an explanation.
I just owe him an apology.

He probably thinks, what a freak I am.

-That's for sure.
-[Kris] I'm sorry.

-[Kourtney] It's okay.
-Give me a hug.

-I love you.
-Mm.

Your part was good.

-How did it look on camera?
-Good.

[Kim] Ah, I was so nervous.
I'm, like, sweating in this.

-Really? I'm freezing.
-I know, it's freezing but I'm sweating.

[woman] And now you don't have
to talk about that ever again.

[Kim] I'm done with it,
I don't even want to hear it again.

I'm done with my Tyra interview,

and the only thing I think
will make me feel better is shopping.

Forty-two karats, 1.2 million dollars.

-That's not so bad. Cha-ching!
-[cash register chiming]

Would it be pathetic
if I bought this for myself?

Bye!

[Kris] Kim.

What happened on Tyra?

She's so nice, she's great.

She was making me feel very comfortable.

[Khlo�] Kim actually does a really
good job under pressure.

She was wanting to talk about,
you know, the sex tape,

and she was just trying
to ask the questions

that I think other people
would want to know.

-[Kris] Mm-hmm.
-Um...

I'm not gonna drag it on
and let people be reminded

of a negative thing
that happened in my life

-when I don't have to.
-[Bruce] I agree.

[Kim] Hopefully I'll replace it
with a lot of positive things.

You should've said, "Hey, Tyra,
wait till you see Bruce's sex tape."

Oh, you're waiting for your hug.

-Yeah, I saw it.
-Group hug!

[Kim] Get your [bleep] off of me.
You're such a whore.

[all giggling]

[Kris] This season
on Keeping Up with the Kardashians:

-Oh!
-[giggling]

Mom, there is a whore
watching your children.

-[Kris] Kim, there's a spider on you.
-[Kim shrieking] Oh, my God!

[all screaming]

-Whoo!
-[Kourtney] This is so embarrassing!

[Kim] Why am I getting arrested?

[laughing] What the hell are you doing?

I'm gonna do Playboy.

[photographer] That's very nice.

-Ooh!
-Oh!

Honey.

Joe wants you girls to be the spokesperson

for his new bikini line.

[Khlo�] Does Bruce know?

Well, hi, guys.

Why do you guys lie
to me like this all the time?

I swear to God I'm leaving.

[Kourtney] ...Everything's about you!

You need to ditch the bitch.

You are so pregnant, dude.

Dolce and I can handle everything.

[Scott] I want you to be with me forever.

Will you marry me, doll?

She's trying to suck up to me. Aren't you?

[Khlo�] If you could handle us,

I swear to God that's, like,
the best accomplishment.

This time, we went straight to the FBI.

But it's my fault. You know what I mean?

Why was the FBI here?