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1
00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:22,936
Oh, did you hear about Judy?
2
00:00:22,960 --> 00:00:25,776
White witch Judy?
No, laundrette Judy.
3
00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:27,936
Burnt it down for the insurance.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
4
00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:29,936
She's married an asylum seeker.
5
00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:32,296
You know,
so he can stay in this country.
6
00:00:32,320 --> 00:00:35,320
I couldn't marry Koji.
7
00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:38,936
No, no-one's saying you should,
Iris.
8
00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:41,136
Because, legally, I'm still married.
9
00:00:41,160 --> 00:00:42,976
To two men, in fact.
10
00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:45,936
So I'd have to draw the line
at a third.
11
00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:49,616
I'd like to be able to call on
the doctor 24/7.
12
00:00:49,640 --> 00:00:52,960
If I married him, though, I think
my wife might have something to say.
13
00:00:54,960 --> 00:00:56,936
You're married?
Yeah.
14
00:00:56,960 --> 00:00:58,960
To a woman?
15
00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:01,936
You know, not to your work, or...
16
00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:03,936
No, to Mrs Mullholland.
17
00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:05,616
Why do you both look so surprised?
18
00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:07,296
Well, we...
No, no.
19
00:01:07,320 --> 00:01:08,936
DOORBELL DINGS
Koji!
20
00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:13,936
Hey! How's it all coming along?
Any news from your asylum appeal?
21
00:01:13,960 --> 00:01:16,936
Oh, you know, one step forward,
200 steps back.
22
00:01:16,960 --> 00:01:19,936
Kate was saying how someone got into
a pretend marriage to stay here.
23
00:01:19,960 --> 00:01:22,936
I couldn't do that.
Real marriages are bad enough.
24
00:01:22,960 --> 00:01:28,296
Though actually, I have been on a
sort of date with someone recently.
25
00:01:28,320 --> 00:01:30,936
Oh, that's exciting.
What's she like?
26
00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:33,936
She's called Lisa.
She seems very nice.
27
00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:37,936
Ah, well, they all start off nice.
Auntie...
28
00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:40,776
Then you find some bells
in the bottom of a drawer
29
00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:43,000
and discover
they're a morris dancer.
30
00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:48,936
I am quite nervous. It's been
so long since I took a chance.
31
00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:51,976
When I last dated,
Tinder didn't exist.
32
00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:55,960
God, that was so weird,
going on dates with people you knew.
33
00:01:57,960 --> 00:02:00,976
Excuse me,
we're looking for The Frothy Coffee.
34
00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:03,936
Why?
It's number one of the cafes
35
00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:05,936
in Seagate on TripAdvisor.
36
00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:08,960
Oh, yes, well, this is it.
What can I get you?
37
00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:13,936
Oh, we changed the name.
I need caffeine.
38
00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:16,296
Oh, all right, Figgy,
we'll get them here.
39
00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:18,936
You text Gethsemane
and see what she wants.
40
00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:21,776
I'll have an iced latte.
41
00:02:21,800 --> 00:02:25,936
And do you do almond milk?
No.
42
00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:28,936
Oat milk, then.
No, we don't do that, either.
43
00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:33,000
But it's not a problem
because we don't do iced latte.
44
00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:37,936
Do you...
Or latte.
45
00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:39,936
I thought
you were The Frothy Coffee.
46
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:42,936
Well, that's why
we changed the name.
47
00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:45,936
We do coffee.
It works for my regulars.
48
00:02:45,960 --> 00:02:48,936
All right, three coffees.
49
00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:50,936
Mum, I need a wee.
50
00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:52,616
Do you have a toilet?
51
00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:54,776
Or do you just use
a hole in the ground
52
00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:56,960
cos that's what works
for your regulars?
53
00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:03,936
Joke.
It's upstairs, darling.
54
00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:06,936
Do you do a discount
if we use our own cups?
55
00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:10,960
I think you know the answer to that.
56
00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:15,936
That'll be £4.50.
Oh, no, I think you'll find that
57
00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:18,296
the coffees are £1.20 each.
58
00:03:18,320 --> 00:03:20,960
Ah, no, that's, "Coffee, please."
59
00:03:23,640 --> 00:03:25,936
Just, "Coffee" is £1.50.
60
00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:29,136
Now, can I get you something
to carry those in?
61
00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:31,960
Thank you.
Joke.
62
00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:36,936
Figgy, darling, grab these two
63
00:03:36,960 --> 00:03:40,456
before one of the locals
starts playing a banjo.
64
00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:42,976
Don't dawdle, darling, come on!
65
00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:45,936
DOORBELL DINGS
Nice to see you extending
66
00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:47,456
your customer base there.
67
00:03:47,480 --> 00:03:50,960
Number one on TripAdvisor.
68
00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:54,936
I haven't got any reviews
on TripAdvisor.
69
00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:58,936
Which, in itself, is a good review.
See?
70
00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:02,960
Oh, no, hold on, I have got one.
Left last week.
71
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:05,976
Penny from Peterborough.
She says,
72
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:10,936
"Visiting Joan's Caff
is like going back to the 1970s."
73
00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:16,936
Oh, that's nice. "The food is basic,
boring and dull,
74
00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:21,960
"and Joan was very rude. One star."
75
00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:25,936
Number 14 of 14 caffs in Seagate.
76
00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:27,936
I don't believe it.
77
00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:29,936
There's 14 caffs in Seagate?
78
00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:33,136
"Basic, boring and dull."
79
00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:35,960
Has she not heard
of my bubble and squeak wrap?
80
00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:40,936
If I was called Nigella or Heston,
she'd be saying that
81
00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:44,776
I was reinventing
traditional British cuisine.
82
00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:46,936
People who leave those reviews...
Talk about something else.
83
00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:49,936
Come on, Koji,
tell us more about your dating.
84
00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:51,936
Has it got a future?
85
00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:53,936
It's very early days.
86
00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:56,936
We're still getting to know
each other.
87
00:04:56,960 --> 00:04:59,936
Well, you can know someone for years
and still not really know them.
88
00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:02,960
None of us knew
Mr Mullholland was married.
89
00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:07,936
He's married?
Yes.
90
00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:13,936
To... another person?
Yes! Why is that odd?
91
00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:17,936
No, it's not at all odd. So, Koji,
are you gonna see Lisa again?
92
00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:21,776
Well, we went out for a meal
and she paid because I can't.
93
00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:23,296
And I can't invite her
back to the hostel
94
00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:24,936
because she's allergic to bats.
95
00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:28,960
Penny from Peterborough
has visited 62 cities.
96
00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:32,936
Well, you would do
if you lived in Peterborough.
97
00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:34,936
Auntie, it's...
DOORBELL DINGS
98
00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:36,976
Excuse me,
my daughter left her phone here.
99
00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:39,936
Well, nothing has been handed in.
100
00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:40,937
I'll check the toilet.
101
00:05:40,961 --> 00:05:42,936
It's an iPhone 13 Pro.
102
00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:45,616
Your child has an iPhone 13 Pro?
103
00:05:45,640 --> 00:05:49,616
Yeah, well, we thought the iPhone 13
Pro Max was a bit bulky for her.
104
00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:52,456
But she's only...
It's here somewhere. See?
105
00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:56,936
"Find your phone."
Tracks it. It's very accurate.
106
00:05:56,960 --> 00:06:02,960
Er, sorry, nothing in the toilet.
OK. Well, here's my number...
107
00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:06,936
..for when you find it.
But it's not here.
108
00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:07,937
Well, maybe someone picked it up.
109
00:06:07,961 --> 00:06:09,936
Picked it up?
Yes.
110
00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:11,976
Figgy was sitting there.
111
00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:13,960
Next to that gentleman.
112
00:06:17,640 --> 00:06:19,800
What are you implying?
113
00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:22,936
Well, it's a valuable phone.
114
00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:25,936
Some people don't hand in
valuable phones.
115
00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:30,960
Get out. Before I kick
your entitled arse out of my caff.
116
00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:33,136
You can't talk to me like that.
117
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:37,296
Why, because you're a "senior
product branding strategist"?
118
00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:39,616
And what exactly are you?
119
00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:41,960
Oh, I'm senior director
of bollocks detection.
120
00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:46,960
Come on, Figgy,
let's get out of this abattoir.
121
00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:50,936
Come on.
DOORBELL DINGS
122
00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:52,960
Menopause.
123
00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:58,640
Sorry, Koji.
Yeah, sorry, Koji.
124
00:06:59,640 --> 00:07:01,936
Funny how offensive
"gentleman" can sound
125
00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:04,936
when you put the word "that"
in front of it.
126
00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:07,936
She's just one of those...
BEEPING
127
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:12,296
Iris, your phone alarm seems to be
going off every quarter of an hour.
128
00:07:12,320 --> 00:07:16,456
Yes.
I decided to have a relaxing day,
129
00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:18,960
so it's to remind me to do nothing.
130
00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:22,936
Oh, that's a good idea.
131
00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:25,960
Her brain should be given
world heritage status.
132
00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:29,936
What a morning!
Maybe you're right.
133
00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:32,936
Maybe I should make a few changes
to this caff.
134
00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:35,936
Oh, finally, Auntie. Come on, what
kind of changes are you thinking?
135
00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:38,640
Banning customers.
136
00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:42,936
MEDIUM:
So, are you gonna see Lisa again?
137
00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:46,936
She's actually picking me up
at the caff when she finishes work.
138
00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:49,976
Oh.
But I can't accept dinner again.
139
00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:52,936
We're just going to go for a walk.
140
00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:55,296
Probably up by
the abandoned slaughterhouse.
141
00:07:55,320 --> 00:07:57,960
Oh, love's young dream (!)
142
00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:00,936
KATE: I hate it when
143
00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:03,960
politicians compare every crisis
to World War Two.
144
00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:08,136
It's a good job this shower weren't
in charge back then.
145
00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:10,960
The Spitfires would have been built
by someone's neighbour.
146
00:08:12,160 --> 00:08:14,960
And they'd have outsourced D-Day
to Serco.
147
00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:18,936
DOORBELL DINGS
Relax, you'll be fine.
148
00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:22,936
I don't know.
I'm not good at reading women.
149
00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:24,936
They should come with
explanatory footnotes.
150
00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:26,936
Just be yourself.
151
00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:29,936
Noted.
Er, but not too much.
152
00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:33,936
PHONE BEEPS
Oh, that's Lisa outside now.
153
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:36,936
Oh, well, get her to come in.
No, we haven't...
154
00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:37,937
Lisa?
Yes.
155
00:08:37,961 --> 00:08:40,936
Come on in for a moment. Come in.
Thank you.
156
00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:42,936
Lovely to meet you, darling.
157
00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:44,936
I'm Kate.
Hi, Kate.
158
00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:45,976
And this is Medium.
Hi.
159
00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:48,960
You know, I've passed here a lot.
I've never come in.
160
00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:51,960
Oh, did you think we were too basic?
161
00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:54,936
No, no, it's nice.
162
00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:56,800
It's very...
163
00:08:58,800 --> 00:09:01,936
..unpretentious.
Oh, thank you.
164
00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:04,936
We should be going for our walk.
We could go for a meal.
165
00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:06,936
I don't mind paying.
No, I...
166
00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:11,776
Oh, I expect Koji is saving the meal
for tomorrow night,
167
00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:13,960
when he's taking you out to eat.
168
00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:16,936
Am I?
Oh...
169
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:19,936
No, have I spoiled your surprise?
170
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:22,936
Only, we're open tomorrow evening,
171
00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:25,960
and Koji has booked a table for two.
Haven't you?
172
00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:33,960
Yes...
Now, let me see. Hm, er...
173
00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:39,936
Mm... Ah, we're not very busy
tomorrow.
174
00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:42,000
No. Erm...
175
00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:46,960
No, they had to cancel. Er...
176
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:49,936
They lost their baby-sitter.
177
00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:53,776
No, it looks like
it's just you two.
178
00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:55,616
Koji, this is a lovely surprise!
179
00:09:55,640 --> 00:09:58,000
Yes, this is a lovely surprise.
180
00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:01,800
And Kate knows I'm a vegan?
181
00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:09,960
Oh, yes, I mentioned that
when I made the reservation.
182
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:14,936
Didn't I, Kate?
It'll be in your book, I expect.
183
00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:19,936
Oh, yes, there it is. Vegan.
184
00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:21,936
Oh, Kate loves
the challenge of vegan cookery.
185
00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:24,960
Don't you, Kate?
Yes, I love it.
186
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:29,296
Well, this has made my day.
Come on, then.
187
00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:31,976
Er, see you tomorrow night.
Bye, all.
188
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:34,936
Bye, Mr Mullholland.
Bye.
189
00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:35,976
Oh, you know each other?
190
00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:38,936
Yeah, we met
at a charity bridge evening.
191
00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:41,936
You were partnered with Lorraine.
Yeah, Lorraine's my wife.
192
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:43,936
You mean, you're...?
Married.
193
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:45,200
And it's not at all surprising.
194
00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:54,960
"Will you ignore this offer
of a lifetime?" Yes, I will.
195
00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:58,296
"Please confirm your password."
196
00:10:58,320 --> 00:11:00,640
I wasn't born yesterday.
197
00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:05,960
"Do you want... sex with a housewife
three miles away?"
198
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:09,296
When we had
that argument about rugby,
199
00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:11,160
you googled "best English hookers".
200
00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:19,936
I keep being sent mucky ads, just
because I googled "naked Italians".
201
00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:22,776
Why did you google "naked Italians"?
202
00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:25,936
I like naked Italians.
DOORBELL DINGS
203
00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:29,616
Kate, that was very kind of you
last night.
204
00:11:29,640 --> 00:11:32,776
Well, I wouldn't have done it
if I'd known she was a vegan.
205
00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:34,936
Well, we're all gonna have to end up
vegans.
206
00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:38,936
37% of the world's methane
comes out of the backsides of cows.
207
00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:40,936
Yes, well, if we all switched
to just eating veg,
208
00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:42,960
it would be coming
out of our backsides.
209
00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:47,960
Some of these recipes
have got such weird stuff in them.
210
00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:52,616
"Irish moss.
Nutritional yeast."
211
00:11:52,640 --> 00:11:55,936
I mean, that's not an ingredient,
that's an infection.
212
00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:57,936
Just do something simple.
213
00:11:57,960 --> 00:12:01,936
What, something basic, boring
and dull?
214
00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:03,936
No, I...
By the way,
215
00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:06,936
has everyone here giving me
an excellent review on TripAdvisor?
216
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:09,936
Oh, yes.
Yeah, a few more good reviews
217
00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:12,936
and I'll be
up the top of Seagate's caffs.
218
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:15,936
Mr Mullholland?
I wouldn't know what to write.
219
00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:17,960
Well, you don't have to,
I'll tell you.
220
00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:20,936
And get your wife to do one.
221
00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:23,936
Wife?
Yes!
222
00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:28,976
Ooh, what about this?
Mushroom Wellington.
223
00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:31,936
Sounds a bit ambitious.
224
00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:33,936
Which is something
I know you can deal with.
225
00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:35,936
MEDIUM:
I found that kid's phone.
226
00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:38,136
Sorry, I missed it yesterday.
227
00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:40,776
It must have just slipped down
behind the pedestal.
228
00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:42,936
Well, what if
it just slipped out of my hand
229
00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:44,936
and just slipped into the harbour?
230
00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:48,936
Yeah, all right, all right,
I'll call her.
231
00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:50,976
Kate, all these five-star reviews,
232
00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:53,616
you've moved up to number three
in Seagate.
233
00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:56,936
Oh, that's more like it!
Let's have a look.
234
00:12:56,960 --> 00:13:00,936
"Lovely, sophisticated cuisine.
235
00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:04,936
"The bubble and squeak wrap
is a revelation."
236
00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:07,936
"Kate is
a delightful and refined hostess."
237
00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:11,936
Oh, people are saying
such lovely things about me.
238
00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:14,936
Well, you've said
such lovely things about you.
239
00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:16,936
Yeah, well, I might have done
a bit of nudging.
240
00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:20,960
Come on, it's against the rules
to be truthful on the Internet.
241
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:23,960
Are you looking forward
to your meal with Lisa?
242
00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:27,936
The truth is I'm lacking confidence.
243
00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:30,456
None of my relationships
have gone well.
244
00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:32,936
Even my marriage was quite short.
245
00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:34,936
Well, a lot of marriages
end quickly.
246
00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:38,296
Mine ended before
we unpacked the wedding presents.
247
00:13:38,320 --> 00:13:39,936
That is quite quick.
248
00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:42,936
My wife did space out opening them.
249
00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:45,936
She said she liked to save
the excitement up.
250
00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:49,936
I had to tell her you shouldn't
end a sentence with a preposition.
251
00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:51,936
Yeah, you've mentioned that.
252
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:54,936
You know,
you can be quite... particular.
253
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:55,937
I have got better.
254
00:13:55,961 --> 00:13:58,960
Now I let
a lot of grammatical errors go by.
255
00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:03,936
And used that way, "by" is
an adverb, not a preposition.
256
00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:07,936
Yeah. When it comes to Lisa,
maybe, you know, give her a chance.
257
00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:10,936
If she says
anything illogical or annoying,
258
00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:13,480
maybe just, you know, let it go.
259
00:14:14,480 --> 00:14:16,136
You're right. I'll try.
260
00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:18,936
I'm gonna have to nip
down Morrisons.
261
00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:21,936
Just cook something
less complicated.
262
00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:24,936
Just because
I was born in a betting shop,
263
00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:28,136
doesn't mean
I can only cook meat and two veg.
264
00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:29,936
You were born in a betting shop?
265
00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:33,960
Yeah. Mum was waiting for
the results of a steward's inquiry.
266
00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:44,936
What a lot of choices.
267
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:47,616
Coq au vin,
steak bearnaise...
268
00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:51,320
Ah, but you'll be wanting the vegan
option, mushroom Wellington.
269
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:54,936
And I expect you'll be wanting
270
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:57,320
the same, won't you, Koji?
Hm...
271
00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:01,960
Do you know,
I might go for the sea bass.
272
00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:07,936
The mushroom Wellington it is.
273
00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:11,960
I'll just double-check
we have two of those left. Medium?
274
00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:17,160
Yes, we do.
"Yes, we do, Chef."
275
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:22,936
So, that's two mushroom Wellingtons
for table three.
276
00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:25,936
Yes, I've got that, Chef.
277
00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:27,960
This is really nice, Koji.
278
00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:31,936
God, that vegan pastry
is looking a bit soggy.
279
00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:33,936
Maybe we should just bail out
and do something simpler.
280
00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:36,936
What? And prove Penny from
Peterborough right?
281
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:38,960
Auntie, look...
Excuse me?
282
00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:42,936
We're not open.
Well, we are, but not to you.
283
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:44,936
I'll be very quick.
284
00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:47,456
My daughter insisted we apologise.
285
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:49,936
Turns out
her phone was in Morrisons.
286
00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:52,936
Morrisons?
God knows how it got there.
287
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:55,960
Yes, Auntie,
God does know how it got there.
288
00:15:57,960 --> 00:16:00,936
So... there we are.
289
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,936
So, are you going to?
What?
290
00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:05,936
Apologise.
I have.
291
00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:07,960
No, you just said you were going to.
292
00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:11,136
Sorry.
It is not your fault.
293
00:16:11,160 --> 00:16:15,960
No, but it's nice to know someone
in the family has manners, darling.
294
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:18,936
Have a free doughnut.
295
00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:20,000
We don't do sugar.
296
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:23,960
Thank you.
297
00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:29,936
Poor little beggar.
Well, that's a mystery,
298
00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:35,776
how the phone ended up in Morrisons,
where you went shopping... Chef.
299
00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:37,456
Yes, isn't it just?
300
00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:39,936
I'm sorry about that, Lisa.
301
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:41,936
No worries.
She seemed really stuck-up.
302
00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:45,960
Yeah, well, she'd be stuck-up on
a nice pointy stick if I had my way.
303
00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:50,936
Now, can I fetch you a selection
of nuts while you're waiting?
304
00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:55,960
We have peanuts and cashews.
No, I'm fine.
305
00:16:57,960 --> 00:16:58,937
This is so nice, Koji.
306
00:16:58,961 --> 00:17:01,936
It said I was going to have
a lovely evening in my horoscope.
307
00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:03,976
Your... Your horoscope?
308
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:05,936
What's your star sign?
309
00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:08,776
Oh, don't tell me.
I bet you're a Capricorn.
310
00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:11,960
I don't believe in astrology.
I think it's a lot of...
311
00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:16,136
..interesting theories
312
00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:20,960
that are not fully proven,
but nevertheless... fascinating.
313
00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:26,320
I really like that in a man,
when he's so open.
314
00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:32,960
I think our wild mushroom Wellington
a la Seagate is ready.
315
00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:35,936
Erm, how shall we serve it,
316
00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:38,960
plate or bowl?
Bucket?
317
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:43,936
And how was it?
The mushrooms were lovely.
318
00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:47,960
And that yellow sauce was...
unusual.
319
00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:52,320
I think that might have been
the pastry.
320
00:17:53,800 --> 00:17:55,936
I didn't realise
you opened in the evenings, Kate.
321
00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:57,936
Oh, well, erm...
Kate is making up for all the time
322
00:17:57,960 --> 00:17:59,936
we were closed during the lockdowns.
323
00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:00,937
Oh, God, yeah, lockdown.
324
00:18:00,961 --> 00:18:03,936
I'm not really cut out
for social distancing.
325
00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:05,936
Well, I've always practised
social distancing.
326
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:08,960
But until COVID,
people just called it being rude.
327
00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:13,296
The lockdowns were so pointless,
weren't they?
328
00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:18,936
Pointless?
Well, yeah. COVID's a hoax.
329
00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:20,960
A hoax?
Mm-hm.
330
00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:29,936
That's... a bold point of view.
331
00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:31,936
But let's not talk about it,
because, you know,
332
00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:35,640
some people get really irritated.
Irritated? Fancy that.
333
00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:38,936
But there were some good things
about lockdown.
334
00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:41,616
Oh, it was so nice
not having the planes, wasn't it?
335
00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:45,456
Ah, yes, it was so quiet.
Yeah.
336
00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:46,976
I remember
just sitting in my garden,
337
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:49,936
listening to the bees humming,
and thinking,
338
00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:51,936
"Well, now
the government can't use the planes
339
00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:54,960
"to spray down the chemicals
they use to control our brains."
340
00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:00,960
That's what the vapour trails are.
341
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:07,936
They had to put the chemicals
in the hand sanitiser
342
00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:09,936
and use those to control us instead.
343
00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:11,936
Oh, is that the time?
344
00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:15,136
Erm, I'm afraid
I have to get back to the hostel.
345
00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:17,960
It's my turn to wax the lino.
346
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:21,936
I shouldn't have said about
the planes, huh?
347
00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:24,936
So many people are just not ready
to hear the truth. It's crazy.
348
00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:26,960
Yes, crazy is the correct word.
349
00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:30,960
Oh, well, I've been here before.
350
00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:35,936
Bye, Koji. I'm sorry you turned out
to be one of the sheep.
351
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:39,976
Oh, your horoscope
didn't predict that, then?
352
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:42,936
And thanks for the meal, Kate.
If you'd like some feedback...
353
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:48,960
I don't think she would.
It was a bit... overcomplex.
354
00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:52,936
DOORBELL DINGS
Overcomplex!
355
00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:57,936
See, this is what happens
when you try to please everybody.
356
00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:00,936
I won't be doing that any more.
That's good.
357
00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:02,960
I'm going back
to not pleasing anyone.
358
00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:06,936
I wasn't too hard on her, was I?
359
00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:09,936
No, I'm afraid
she was the, er, full Morrissey.
360
00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:14,936
So this confirms my belief that
I'm attracted to the wrong people.
361
00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:18,936
Oh, everybody is,
otherwise life would be too simple
362
00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:21,960
and we'd run out of things to do
by 25.
363
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:27,936
Chin up, Koji.
The perfect woman for you
364
00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:31,960
is sitting out there somewhere,
right now.
365
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:34,960
Possibly not in Seagate.
366
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:39,936
Or Essex. But you'll find someone.
367
00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:43,936
But in future,
just steer clear of vegans.
368
00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:46,960
Auntie, OK, I've been meaning
to tell you something.
369
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:50,616
I'm a vegan.
370
00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:52,936
I know.
What?
371
00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:55,456
All those mixed grills
you turned down.
372
00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:58,936
That time I caught you
out the back with a tahini cookie.
373
00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:00,936
Well, why didn't you say?
Why didn't you say?
374
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:03,296
Well, I thought you'd never stop
going on about it.
375
00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:05,936
Well, I won't.
But I don't actually care.
376
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:09,936
I'm used to weird people.
I live here.
377
00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:11,136
I'm not sure I'd call vegans...
378
00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:14,936
I am, despite your caricature of me,
very tolerant.
379
00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:17,616
If you don't count
seagulls and Austrians.
380
00:21:17,640 --> 00:21:19,936
And morris dancers.
Well, yeah.
381
00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:20,937
And community support officers.
382
00:21:20,961 --> 00:21:24,936
Er, golfers, cyclists,
homeopaths, Amanda Holden
383
00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:26,936
and the colour mauve.
384
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:29,960
Well, it's unnecessary.
You've already got purple and blue.
385
00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:33,616
But apart from that...
And toy poodles.
386
00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:35,936
And town twinning.
OK, OK.
387
00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:36,937
You're always making lists.
388
00:21:36,961 --> 00:21:39,936
Oh, and lists! I forgot about lists.
Yes, lists.
389
00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:42,296
For some reason,
you two are always making me out
390
00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:44,936
to be some sort of grumpy person.
391
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:47,616
But I am actually very positive.
392
00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:49,320
And why wouldn't I be?
393
00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:53,456
I've got friends.
I've got my health.
394
00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:57,936
And I run the third
most popular caff in Seagate.
395
00:21:57,960 --> 00:21:59,976
Lisa posted a one-star review.
396
00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:01,960
You're back down to 14th.
31364
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