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Back in the '90s, there
was no bigger blockbuster
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00:00:02,625 --> 00:00:04,025
than James Cameron's "Titanic",
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00:00:04,027 --> 00:00:06,498
but it was the love story
between Jack and Rose
4
00:00:06,500 --> 00:00:07,865
that captivated the nation.
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00:00:07,867 --> 00:00:09,800
Some people saw it 30
times in the theater.
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00:00:09,802 --> 00:00:11,869
As for me, I only saw it 29.
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00:00:11,871 --> 00:00:14,605
I'm the king of the world!
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00:00:14,607 --> 00:00:16,007
Naturally, a movie this huge
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00:00:16,009 --> 00:00:17,789
had famous lines everyone quoted.
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00:00:17,791 --> 00:00:20,511
- Like this.
- I'm the king of the world!
11
00:00:21,614 --> 00:00:23,114
Like from the "Titanic" movie.
12
00:00:23,116 --> 00:00:25,216
It became the funniest
joke on the planet...
13
00:00:25,218 --> 00:00:27,285
I'm the king of the world!
14
00:00:27,287 --> 00:00:29,620
... until it was totally played out.
15
00:00:29,622 --> 00:00:31,923
Whoo!
16
00:00:31,925 --> 00:00:33,190
From "Titanic".
17
00:00:34,661 --> 00:00:36,027
Wait, am I not funny?
18
00:00:36,029 --> 00:00:38,828
I was so infatuated, I
even took CB to see it.
19
00:00:38,830 --> 00:00:40,510
"Titanic" is gonna blow your mind, dude.
20
00:00:40,512 --> 00:00:41,915
It's the world's greatest love story
21
00:00:41,917 --> 00:00:43,917
and disaster film all rolled into one.
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00:00:43,919 --> 00:00:46,153
Eh, for me, love is always a disaster,
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00:00:46,155 --> 00:00:48,722
so maybe instead of
seeing sad old "Titanic",
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00:00:48,724 --> 00:00:52,215
we take a trip into the future with...
25
00:00:52,217 --> 00:00:53,961
"The Fifth Element".
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00:00:53,963 --> 00:00:55,996
Bruce Willis drives a flying taxi cab.
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00:00:55,998 --> 00:00:57,331
Trust me, watching Jack and Rose
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00:00:57,333 --> 00:00:59,867
is exactly what you need
to believe in love again.
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00:00:59,869 --> 00:01:01,568
But turns out, even the most epic
30
00:01:01,570 --> 00:01:03,636
of love stories couldn't
change CB's mind.
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00:01:03,638 --> 00:01:05,605
And it also didn't help that
I kept bringing up Barry
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00:01:05,607 --> 00:01:06,773
the whole three hours.
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00:01:06,775 --> 00:01:09,843
I don't know what
I'd do if I lost Barry.
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00:01:09,845 --> 00:01:11,378
I just love him so much.
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00:01:11,380 --> 00:01:14,313
Yeah. That is my one
takeaway from the movie.
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00:01:14,315 --> 00:01:15,648
Tissue?
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00:01:15,650 --> 00:01:18,951
No. I'll just cry alone in my car later.
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00:01:18,953 --> 00:01:20,598
'Cause love sucks.
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00:01:34,202 --> 00:01:36,633
It was January 29th, 1990-something,
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00:01:36,635 --> 00:01:38,738
and school spirit was
at an all-time high.
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00:01:38,740 --> 00:01:41,173
Oh, man. Which sport is this one for?
42
00:01:41,175 --> 00:01:42,409
Oh, we're just getting pumped up
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00:01:42,411 --> 00:01:45,144
for the big WP/GA Day football game.
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00:01:45,146 --> 00:01:46,379
WP/GA wha?
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00:01:46,381 --> 00:01:48,681
Oh. I keep forgetting you're new here.
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00:01:48,683 --> 00:01:51,050
Follow me. This will only
take 20 to 30 minutes.
47
00:01:51,052 --> 00:01:54,220
Is there a version where I just
say "Got it" and we move on?
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00:01:54,222 --> 00:01:56,545
It was a crisp autumn day in 1887.
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Ah, son of a bitch.
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00:01:57,558 --> 00:02:00,029
A brash young Quaker
named Wilbur Smedley
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00:02:00,031 --> 00:02:02,895
challenged a young German
settler named Hans Schneider
52
00:02:02,897 --> 00:02:04,463
to a friendly game of pigskin.
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00:02:04,465 --> 00:02:05,774
Naturally, the Germans cheated,
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00:02:05,776 --> 00:02:08,467
resulting in the most heated
feud in football history.
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00:02:08,469 --> 00:02:11,037
So, like every team that plays
sports, you have a rivalry.
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00:02:11,039 --> 00:02:12,504
No, not just any rivalry.
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00:02:12,506 --> 00:02:15,207
This is the oldest rivalry
in the entire sport.
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00:02:15,209 --> 00:02:17,910
It's older than anything
in the NFL or college.
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00:02:17,912 --> 00:02:20,379
Explains why Rick's been
stress eating whole artichokes
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00:02:20,381 --> 00:02:21,480
in the teacher's lounge.
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00:02:21,482 --> 00:02:22,748
Yep, every year it's all up to him
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00:02:22,750 --> 00:02:24,050
to bring us back this bad boy.
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00:02:24,052 --> 00:02:26,885
The Quaker Cup. That
trophy is Rick's life force.
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00:02:26,887 --> 00:02:30,222
Thanks to him, we've had this
cup for 14 straight years.
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00:02:30,224 --> 00:02:32,290
Go on. Give history a feel.
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00:02:33,928 --> 00:02:36,027
Who touched the trophy?
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00:02:36,029 --> 00:02:37,362
No one, pal!
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00:02:37,364 --> 00:02:38,697
I heard a ting.
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00:02:38,699 --> 00:02:39,798
No ting.
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00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:42,167
It was a very faint but distinct ting.
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00:02:42,169 --> 00:02:43,902
Coach was on edge, and it got worse
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00:02:43,904 --> 00:02:45,871
when Ronnie suffered a terrible injury.
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Turf toe?
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00:02:46,974 --> 00:02:49,040
Turf toe, Coach. I can't walk.
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00:02:49,042 --> 00:02:51,176
From turf toe? C'mon!
It's just turf toe!
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00:02:51,178 --> 00:02:52,344
Terrible turf toe.
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00:02:52,346 --> 00:02:54,079
How terrible can turf toe be?
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00:02:55,115 --> 00:02:57,215
Oh! Gah!
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00:02:57,217 --> 00:02:59,651
Not gonna lie, Ronnie,
that's some terrible turf toe.
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00:03:00,955 --> 00:03:02,754
It's like a foot-colored clown shoe.
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00:03:03,824 --> 00:03:05,123
We're so boned!
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00:03:05,125 --> 00:03:07,392
Ronnie's passing game is the
only shot we had at winning.
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00:03:07,394 --> 00:03:09,060
Coach always has a game plan.
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00:03:09,062 --> 00:03:10,829
Reza, you're starting QB.
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00:03:11,831 --> 00:03:13,121
Hey...
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00:03:13,123 --> 00:03:14,732
Knock it off! We're a team!
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00:03:14,734 --> 00:03:15,967
No, they're right, Coach.
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00:03:15,969 --> 00:03:17,935
We'll never beat Germantown if I'm QB.
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00:03:17,937 --> 00:03:19,504
Yeah, well, lucky for
us, we got something
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00:03:19,506 --> 00:03:22,573
Germantown'll never have...
and that's a Coach Mellor.
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00:03:22,575 --> 00:03:24,409
And he always gets the win.
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00:03:24,411 --> 00:03:25,610
Reza, hit me!
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00:03:27,180 --> 00:03:28,546
The team was in shambles,
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00:03:28,548 --> 00:03:30,594
and I was trying to
knock some sense into CB.
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00:03:30,596 --> 00:03:32,217
Seriously, if this is
how you really feel,
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00:03:32,219 --> 00:03:33,684
I don't know how we can even be friends.
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00:03:33,686 --> 00:03:35,186
I have a right to my own opinion.
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00:03:35,188 --> 00:03:36,821
Not if your opinion is dumb and wrong.
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00:03:36,823 --> 00:03:38,089
That's not how opinions work.
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00:03:38,091 --> 00:03:40,158
Guys! I don't know what
you two are fighting about,
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00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:41,792
but we've all agreed,
no talking politics
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00:03:41,794 --> 00:03:42,927
up in the teacher's lounge.
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00:03:42,929 --> 00:03:44,529
Politics? We're talking about "Titanic".
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00:03:44,531 --> 00:03:45,720
CB said the movie sucked.
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00:03:45,722 --> 00:03:48,266
Oh. Well, in that case, yeah,
CB's opinion is dumb and wrong.
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00:03:48,268 --> 00:03:49,534
I mean, when that old white lady
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00:03:49,536 --> 00:03:51,802
dropped that diamond
necklace back in the water...
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00:03:51,804 --> 00:03:53,803
... that really moved me, man.
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00:03:53,805 --> 00:03:54,938
You mean moved you to anger
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00:03:54,940 --> 00:03:57,508
'cause she threw away
$100 million for no reason?
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00:03:57,510 --> 00:03:59,209
She was letting go of
the past or something!
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00:03:59,211 --> 00:04:00,911
It made sense at the time!
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00:04:00,913 --> 00:04:03,347
Easy, big guy. Maybe CB
just needs to see it again.
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00:04:03,349 --> 00:04:05,591
Face it, Kate Winslet let Leo freeze
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00:04:05,593 --> 00:04:07,951
so she could save her own butt,
just like anyone else would.
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00:04:07,953 --> 00:04:09,520
- Who hurt you?
- Who what?
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00:04:09,522 --> 00:04:11,621
There's gotta be a
reason why you hate love.
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00:04:11,623 --> 00:04:12,656
Tell me her name.
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00:04:12,658 --> 00:04:13,723
Never!
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00:04:13,725 --> 00:04:15,259
And how exactly is it love
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00:04:15,261 --> 00:04:17,561
when a lady lets a
dude die of hypothermia?
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00:04:17,563 --> 00:04:20,431
Um, I'm sorry, Leo
sacrificed himself for love
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00:04:20,433 --> 00:04:21,865
'cause the door was too tiny!
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00:04:21,867 --> 00:04:23,900
What kind of munchkin cruise
do you think they were on?
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00:04:23,902 --> 00:04:25,802
There was ample room on that door!
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00:04:25,804 --> 00:04:28,939
A floating door can only hold
one human person. It's science.
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00:04:28,941 --> 00:04:30,507
Too bad there's no way to prove it.
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00:04:30,509 --> 00:04:33,177
Actually, there is, with a simple
small-scale science experiment.
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00:04:33,179 --> 00:04:34,678
Get ready to believe in love, sucka!
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00:04:34,680 --> 00:04:36,412
Wilma, to the science lab!
131
00:04:37,683 --> 00:04:40,083
Alright, Quaker warriors!
Change of plans!
132
00:04:40,085 --> 00:04:42,485
Today we are scrimmaging
against the JV squad.
133
00:04:42,487 --> 00:04:44,153
Why don't we just come
up with some new plays
134
00:04:44,155 --> 00:04:45,488
so Germantown doesn't totally smoke us?
135
00:04:45,490 --> 00:04:47,523
Why don't you shut your face holes,
136
00:04:47,525 --> 00:04:50,126
because I am the coach and
I'm sick of your back talk!
137
00:04:50,128 --> 00:04:52,195
Now, I'm not one to stand up here
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00:04:52,197 --> 00:04:54,564
and give big speeches, but now I'm mad!
139
00:04:54,566 --> 00:04:56,600
But, in fact, epic locker room speeches
140
00:04:56,602 --> 00:04:57,801
were Coach's specialty.
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00:04:57,803 --> 00:04:59,235
He had them down to a science
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00:04:59,237 --> 00:05:01,304
and always began with
the angry jug kick.
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00:05:01,306 --> 00:05:02,405
Aah!
144
00:05:02,407 --> 00:05:03,707
I can't take it no more!
145
00:05:03,709 --> 00:05:05,775
For once in your lives,
stop worrying about them
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00:05:05,777 --> 00:05:07,577
and focus on your own damn selves!
147
00:05:07,579 --> 00:05:09,378
Followed by the heartfelt apology.
148
00:05:09,380 --> 00:05:11,615
Well, Coach is sorry
you had to see that.
149
00:05:11,617 --> 00:05:14,617
It's just... Coach believes
in y'all so damn much
150
00:05:14,619 --> 00:05:17,153
that sometimes Coach can't contain it.
151
00:05:17,155 --> 00:05:19,388
Then came the classic "I quit" maneuver.
152
00:05:19,390 --> 00:05:21,557
That's it! I'm done!
153
00:05:21,559 --> 00:05:24,460
I quit! I'm out!
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00:05:24,462 --> 00:05:26,229
You did this! Happy?!
155
00:05:26,231 --> 00:05:29,999
And, of course, the triumphant
return five seconds later.
156
00:05:30,001 --> 00:05:31,900
After much soul searching, I'm back,
157
00:05:31,902 --> 00:05:34,203
and, damn it, I'm fired up!
158
00:05:34,205 --> 00:05:36,739
Now who's ready to
get fired up with me?!
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00:05:36,741 --> 00:05:38,141
JV shrimps are going down!
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00:05:38,143 --> 00:05:39,509
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
161
00:05:39,511 --> 00:05:42,745
Wow, you sure got them to bounce
back fast after losing Ronnie.
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00:05:42,747 --> 00:05:44,280
Coach always has a game plan.
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00:05:44,282 --> 00:05:45,648
First, I fire 'em up,
164
00:05:45,650 --> 00:05:48,169
then I boost their confidence
with a much-needed win.
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00:05:50,021 --> 00:05:51,086
Rick, they didn't win.
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00:05:52,790 --> 00:05:54,390
They did not.
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00:05:54,392 --> 00:05:55,791
My house!
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00:05:55,793 --> 00:05:58,226
Well, I'm sure you're already
cooking up a new game plan.
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00:05:58,228 --> 00:05:59,327
That, I am. Yes.
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00:05:59,329 --> 00:06:01,563
And my new plan is to...
171
00:06:01,565 --> 00:06:03,666
go think of a new plan.
172
00:06:03,668 --> 00:06:05,968
I'm gonna go stress
eat this entire avocado
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00:06:05,970 --> 00:06:07,770
until the plan comes to me.
174
00:06:07,772 --> 00:06:10,505
As Coach doubted himself
for the first time ever,
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00:06:10,507 --> 00:06:13,108
I was certain Wilma would
change CB's stance on love.
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00:06:13,110 --> 00:06:16,344
Okay, as you can see I've
built a to-scale recreation
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00:06:16,346 --> 00:06:18,180
of the floating door scenario.
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00:06:18,182 --> 00:06:20,448
Leonardo DiCaprio will
be the Power Ranger,
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00:06:20,450 --> 00:06:22,484
and Kate Winslet is the Mutant Turtle.
180
00:06:22,486 --> 00:06:23,652
I hate to be that guy,
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00:06:23,654 --> 00:06:25,775
but the Turtle's
actual name is Leonardo,
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00:06:25,777 --> 00:06:26,789
so it'd make more sense to...
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00:06:26,791 --> 00:06:28,957
If you hate to be that guy,
stop doing what you're doing.
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00:06:28,959 --> 00:06:30,859
As you can see, our miniature oak door
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00:06:30,861 --> 00:06:33,395
allows us to determine if
its buoyancy is greater than
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00:06:33,397 --> 00:06:34,897
the force of gravity
pulling down on the...
187
00:06:34,899 --> 00:06:36,030
Yeah, we don't need the play-by-play.
188
00:06:36,032 --> 00:06:38,099
Just do your science and
tell CB love isn't dead.
189
00:06:38,101 --> 00:06:40,725
Then scientifically speaking,
love is dead as hell.
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00:06:40,727 --> 00:06:41,769
Ha! Told ya!
191
00:06:41,771 --> 00:06:43,004
Wait, what?
192
00:06:43,006 --> 00:06:46,373
There is an embarrassing
amount of room on this door.
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00:06:46,375 --> 00:06:47,641
No. Wrong.
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00:06:47,643 --> 00:06:49,744
Hey, Wilma, is there a world
where love is such a sham
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00:06:49,746 --> 00:06:52,513
that Rose, Jack, and
me could fit on that door?
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00:06:52,515 --> 00:06:54,415
With 100% certainty.
197
00:06:54,417 --> 00:06:56,250
- Observe.
- There I am.
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00:06:56,252 --> 00:06:58,552
Is there a world where
love is such a suck show
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00:06:58,554 --> 00:07:02,190
where Rose, Jack, me,
and you fit on that door?
200
00:07:02,192 --> 00:07:03,991
Yes. Agreed?
201
00:07:03,993 --> 00:07:06,527
- Agreed. Permission to gloat?
- Permission granted.
202
00:07:06,529 --> 00:07:07,962
- Told ya!
- Wrong.
203
00:07:07,964 --> 00:07:09,197
I refute these findings.
204
00:07:09,199 --> 00:07:10,464
- Excuse me?
- You heard me.
205
00:07:10,466 --> 00:07:12,734
Your experiment is wrong,
and you do science bad.
206
00:07:12,736 --> 00:07:15,269
I graduated first in
my class at Cal Tech.
207
00:07:15,271 --> 00:07:17,838
You really think I can't
prove a slab of wood can float?
208
00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:20,607
You didn't factor in the most
important scientific element.
209
00:07:20,609 --> 00:07:21,674
Love.
210
00:07:21,676 --> 00:07:23,110
Love is an emotion,
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00:07:23,112 --> 00:07:25,078
which is the opposite of science.
212
00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:26,880
Ha! Permission to high-five?
213
00:07:26,882 --> 00:07:28,348
Allowed.
214
00:07:28,350 --> 00:07:29,816
Don't high-five against love!
215
00:07:29,818 --> 00:07:31,151
Some things are bigger than science,
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00:07:31,153 --> 00:07:32,919
no matter what your experiment suggests.
217
00:07:32,921 --> 00:07:35,388
My experiment doesn't suggest anything.
218
00:07:35,390 --> 00:07:37,758
It proves all Rose had
to do was scoot over,
219
00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:39,626
but she didn't 'cause she wanted
220
00:07:39,628 --> 00:07:41,494
that big-ass door all to herself.
221
00:07:41,496 --> 00:07:43,230
Copy that. Love is a
sham. We're done here.
222
00:07:43,232 --> 00:07:45,098
No, we're not. Just
tell me who hurt you.
223
00:07:45,100 --> 00:07:47,200
- No!
- Gimme her name, and I will fight her.
224
00:07:47,202 --> 00:07:48,401
That would be weird.
225
00:07:48,403 --> 00:07:50,370
And also, why does it
matter so much to you?
226
00:07:50,372 --> 00:07:52,672
Because you're one of
my best friends, dude.
227
00:07:52,674 --> 00:07:54,374
I want you to be happy,
but it'll never happen
228
00:07:54,376 --> 00:07:55,842
if you go through life hating love.
229
00:07:55,844 --> 00:07:58,177
Well, your best dude friend
appreciates the concern.
230
00:07:58,179 --> 00:08:00,480
However, I will be siding
with science on this one.
231
00:08:00,482 --> 00:08:02,815
Wilma, permission to give you a
fist bump and clean up this mess?
232
00:08:02,817 --> 00:08:03,849
Allowed.
233
00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:06,852
My God.
234
00:08:06,854 --> 00:08:08,621
You two callous nerds
deserve each other.
235
00:08:08,623 --> 00:08:10,456
- Charlie Brown, of course.
- I love that.
236
00:08:10,458 --> 00:08:12,892
You really... do deserve each other.
237
00:08:14,061 --> 00:08:15,895
Whoa! Oh, shoot.
238
00:08:17,499 --> 00:08:19,303
It's perfect.
239
00:08:19,305 --> 00:08:21,639
The "Titanic" experiment
hadn't gone my way,
240
00:08:21,641 --> 00:08:24,007
but now I had a new plan
to help CB believe in love.
241
00:08:24,009 --> 00:08:25,208
What up, playa?
242
00:08:25,210 --> 00:08:26,542
No. Stop.
243
00:08:26,544 --> 00:08:28,644
Whatever scheme you got
cooking up, it's a hard pass.
244
00:08:28,646 --> 00:08:29,702
No scheme.
245
00:08:29,704 --> 00:08:31,747
Except maybe a small scheme
for you to open your heart.
246
00:08:31,749 --> 00:08:33,910
Ugh! Fine. You win.
247
00:08:33,912 --> 00:08:36,034
I loved James Cameron's "Titanic", okay?
248
00:08:36,036 --> 00:08:38,302
It's his greatest movie
yet, other than "Aliens".
249
00:08:38,304 --> 00:08:39,403
And "True Lies".
250
00:08:39,405 --> 00:08:40,705
No, wait... "Terminator 2".
251
00:08:40,707 --> 00:08:42,040
It's not about "Titanic".
252
00:08:42,042 --> 00:08:43,174
It's about you being happy
253
00:08:43,176 --> 00:08:45,276
and forgetting about the
hag who broke your heart.
254
00:08:45,278 --> 00:08:47,746
I'm here. Give your heart to me.
255
00:08:47,748 --> 00:08:49,814
You really don't have the
details of my situation.
256
00:08:49,816 --> 00:08:52,250
Doesn't matter. Clearly,
there's only one gal for you.
257
00:08:52,252 --> 00:08:53,852
- Wilma.
- Wilma?
258
00:08:53,854 --> 00:08:55,286
You have so much in common.
259
00:08:55,288 --> 00:08:56,821
You both love teaching and books
260
00:08:56,823 --> 00:08:58,422
and Wayne Brady, for some reason.
261
00:08:58,424 --> 00:08:59,657
Plus, you're annoying know-it-alls.
262
00:08:59,659 --> 00:09:00,859
It's a perfect match!
263
00:09:00,861 --> 00:09:02,861
First of all, Wilma terrifies me.
264
00:09:02,863 --> 00:09:04,929
Second, she only likes bad boys.
265
00:09:04,931 --> 00:09:07,165
That's just an excuse so she doesn't
have to put herself out there.
266
00:09:07,167 --> 00:09:09,267
See? Another weird
thing you have in common.
267
00:09:09,269 --> 00:09:10,701
You're really not gonna
give up on this, are you?
268
00:09:10,703 --> 00:09:13,104
God, no. I've mapped out a
very detailed six-phase plan
269
00:09:13,106 --> 00:09:14,839
to help you find the
courage to ask her out.
270
00:09:14,841 --> 00:09:16,006
Yo, Wilma, do you wanna go out?
271
00:09:16,008 --> 00:09:17,074
- Nah.
- Cool.
272
00:09:17,076 --> 00:09:18,276
Come on! CB's the best!
273
00:09:18,278 --> 00:09:20,378
Any girl in this place
would be lucky to date him.
274
00:09:20,380 --> 00:09:21,779
First of all, I terrify him.
275
00:09:21,781 --> 00:09:22,880
I tried to tell her.
276
00:09:22,882 --> 00:09:24,682
Secondly, I only like bad boys.
277
00:09:24,684 --> 00:09:25,949
I tried to tell her.
278
00:09:25,951 --> 00:09:28,819
And I told you that's just a
bad excuse to hide from love.
279
00:09:28,821 --> 00:09:31,855
Yo, I don't know whose burrito
exploded in the microwave,
280
00:09:31,857 --> 00:09:33,223
but I will kick his ass.
281
00:09:33,225 --> 00:09:34,592
Spread the word.
282
00:09:34,594 --> 00:09:35,693
Mmm.
283
00:09:35,695 --> 00:09:38,262
Ew. Don't "Mmm" Johnny Atkins.
284
00:09:38,264 --> 00:09:39,397
I know. I got a problem.
285
00:09:39,399 --> 00:09:41,432
Okay, so you like gross bad boys.
286
00:09:41,434 --> 00:09:42,566
I did too before I met Barry,
287
00:09:42,568 --> 00:09:44,268
but then I realized
how happy life can be
288
00:09:44,270 --> 00:09:46,170
when you have someone
amazing to share it with.
289
00:09:46,172 --> 00:09:48,339
If I take the kid to a
movie, will you shut up?
290
00:09:48,341 --> 00:09:51,342
Done! Wow, look! Sparks
are flying already! Ha!
291
00:09:54,879 --> 00:09:55,945
Mmm.
292
00:09:55,947 --> 00:09:57,280
This is gonna be fun.
293
00:09:57,282 --> 00:09:59,683
As I was playing matchmaker,
Glascott was making sure
294
00:09:59,685 --> 00:10:01,984
Coach was okay after the JV fiasco.
295
00:10:01,986 --> 00:10:03,119
Hey, pal.
296
00:10:03,121 --> 00:10:05,154
Just checking in on ya
after your tough loss
297
00:10:05,156 --> 00:10:06,556
to your own JV team.
298
00:10:06,558 --> 00:10:08,224
Feeling good, Johnny Boy!
299
00:10:08,226 --> 00:10:10,327
As always, I worked out a new game plan
300
00:10:10,329 --> 00:10:11,695
that guarantees us the win.
301
00:10:11,697 --> 00:10:14,263
Guarantees? I like the
sound of that. Hit me.
302
00:10:14,265 --> 00:10:16,333
We swap jerseys with Germantown,
303
00:10:16,335 --> 00:10:19,001
and every time they score,
we get the points!
304
00:10:19,003 --> 00:10:20,570
Mm, seems like a reach.
305
00:10:20,572 --> 00:10:21,738
New plan!
306
00:10:21,740 --> 00:10:23,540
We hire David Copperfield to make
307
00:10:23,542 --> 00:10:27,577
the entire Germantown
team... Poof!... Disappear!
308
00:10:27,579 --> 00:10:28,777
Maybe you should get some sleep.
309
00:10:28,779 --> 00:10:30,246
But I've got the longest winning streak
310
00:10:30,248 --> 00:10:32,014
in the oldest rivalry in
football history,
311
00:10:32,016 --> 00:10:34,016
so losing is not an option!
312
00:10:34,018 --> 00:10:35,751
Y'know, sometimes when you lose,
313
00:10:35,753 --> 00:10:37,386
you still learn a valuable lesson
314
00:10:37,388 --> 00:10:39,088
which really makes it a win.
315
00:10:39,090 --> 00:10:41,324
How can you lose but also win?
316
00:10:41,326 --> 00:10:42,915
'Cause teaching them
to lose like winners
317
00:10:42,917 --> 00:10:44,760
is just as important as winning itself.
318
00:10:44,762 --> 00:10:47,129
But a loser can't be a
winner, 'cause he lost.
319
00:10:47,131 --> 00:10:49,065
Rick, I'm trying to help you here.
320
00:10:49,067 --> 00:10:52,001
New plan... we build
a wall on the field,
321
00:10:52,003 --> 00:10:55,471
and on said wall, we paint
a photo-realistic image
322
00:10:55,473 --> 00:10:56,705
of our end zone,
323
00:10:56,707 --> 00:10:59,775
so every time they come
in to score, kaboom!
324
00:10:59,777 --> 00:11:02,378
They hit a big ol' wall!
325
00:11:02,380 --> 00:11:04,079
Yeah, that's from a
"Road Runner" cartoon.
326
00:11:04,081 --> 00:11:05,113
New plan!
327
00:11:05,115 --> 00:11:06,749
Okay, get some sleep, Coach.
328
00:11:06,751 --> 00:11:07,983
That conversation was over,
329
00:11:07,985 --> 00:11:10,018
but CB and Wilma's
date was just starting.
330
00:11:10,020 --> 00:11:11,987
Here you go... Lainey
bought us tickets already.
331
00:11:11,989 --> 00:11:14,122
"Titanic"? We both already saw it.
332
00:11:14,124 --> 00:11:16,492
Well, she said maybe if we saw it
together, we'd appreciate it more.
333
00:11:16,494 --> 00:11:17,826
And also fall in love.
334
00:11:17,828 --> 00:11:19,395
I can't sit through a
damn three-hour movie.
335
00:11:19,397 --> 00:11:20,696
I got a date after this.
336
00:11:20,698 --> 00:11:22,230
Oh, good for you! Good guy?
337
00:11:22,232 --> 00:11:24,032
Not at all. Total dirtbag lawyer.
338
00:11:24,034 --> 00:11:25,701
No future there. He's perfect.
339
00:11:25,703 --> 00:11:27,168
- You got problems.
- Sure do.
340
00:11:27,170 --> 00:11:28,270
Let's just sneak into something else.
341
00:11:28,272 --> 00:11:29,705
I'm dying to see "The Fifth Element".
342
00:11:29,707 --> 00:11:31,373
- Oh, never heard of it.
- Do you like science fiction?
343
00:11:31,375 --> 00:11:33,609
- Well, I like science.
- It's got Bruce Willis.
344
00:11:33,611 --> 00:11:36,444
Is he all sweaty and beaten-up
in a dirty undershirt?
345
00:11:36,446 --> 00:11:37,912
- You've got problems.
- Sure do.
346
00:11:37,914 --> 00:11:39,013
Let's hit it.
347
00:11:39,015 --> 00:11:41,497
And so began CB and Wilma's non-date
348
00:11:41,499 --> 00:11:43,050
in a movie that they naturally assumed
349
00:11:43,052 --> 00:11:45,820
would be the exact
opposite of "Titanic".
350
00:11:45,822 --> 00:11:47,955
Except it had a cruise ship. In space.
351
00:11:49,191 --> 00:11:51,025
It was also a passionate love story.
352
00:11:51,027 --> 00:11:52,627
In... space.
353
00:11:52,629 --> 00:11:54,495
And, unlike "Titanic", this movie
354
00:11:54,497 --> 00:11:57,197
cracked his heart wide open.
355
00:11:59,068 --> 00:12:03,037
I don't know if this was clear,
but the fifth element was love.
356
00:12:03,039 --> 00:12:06,340
That's how you make a love
story and disaster movie.
357
00:12:06,342 --> 00:12:08,709
Listen, I said yes to this whole
thing 'cause I want to help.
358
00:12:08,711 --> 00:12:10,777
You really are a good guy.
359
00:12:10,779 --> 00:12:12,779
You just can't be so
afraid of getting hurt,
360
00:12:12,781 --> 00:12:14,448
and try to put yourself out there.
361
00:12:14,450 --> 00:12:15,549
I know.
362
00:12:15,551 --> 00:12:16,950
To be clear...
363
00:12:16,952 --> 00:12:18,685
I know the hurt is Lainey.
364
00:12:18,687 --> 00:12:20,454
Noooooo... How?
365
00:12:20,456 --> 00:12:22,522
You told Susan Cinoman,
Coop, and Mellor,
366
00:12:22,524 --> 00:12:23,690
and, boy, do they talk.
367
00:12:23,692 --> 00:12:25,124
So you're saying that the only person
368
00:12:25,126 --> 00:12:26,392
who doesn't know this is Lainey?
369
00:12:26,394 --> 00:12:27,994
That is very concerning in my bones.
370
00:12:27,996 --> 00:12:30,263
Good news is, Lainey has no
idea 'cause she only sees you
371
00:12:30,265 --> 00:12:32,566
as a platonic, non-sexual man-friend.
372
00:12:32,568 --> 00:12:33,834
Not totally non-sexual.
373
00:12:33,836 --> 00:12:35,836
I have that one soft, silky, satin tie.
374
00:12:35,838 --> 00:12:37,671
Point is, you can't give up on love
375
00:12:37,673 --> 00:12:39,639
just because you can't be with Lainey.
376
00:12:39,641 --> 00:12:42,075
You deserve to be happy,
but that will never happen
377
00:12:42,077 --> 00:12:44,643
if you don't move on once and for all.
378
00:12:44,645 --> 00:12:46,244
You're right.
379
00:12:46,246 --> 00:12:48,581
As hard as it may seem...
380
00:12:48,583 --> 00:12:49,715
I got to move on.
381
00:12:50,952 --> 00:12:52,384
Thanks for the awesome date, Wilma.
382
00:12:52,386 --> 00:12:54,219
Not a date. But anytime.
383
00:12:54,221 --> 00:12:56,689
Speaking of... time to go
meet my dirt-bag lawyer!
384
00:12:59,326 --> 00:13:00,826
- Morning, boss.
- Hey!
385
00:13:00,828 --> 00:13:03,362
- Look at you. Feeling better, huh?
- Better than ever.
386
00:13:03,364 --> 00:13:05,230
Had a big moment of clarity last night
387
00:13:05,232 --> 00:13:06,699
and finally figured it out.
388
00:13:06,701 --> 00:13:07,900
Ooh! How to win?
389
00:13:07,902 --> 00:13:09,134
Oh, God, no!
390
00:13:09,136 --> 00:13:12,004
See, I figured out that
I don't actually matter.
391
00:13:12,006 --> 00:13:13,094
Boom!
392
00:13:13,096 --> 00:13:15,574
I'm sorry, but y-you're saying
that like it's a good thing.
393
00:13:15,576 --> 00:13:17,943
No, it's not. It's soul-crushing.
394
00:13:17,945 --> 00:13:20,778
See, I realized that
no matter what I do,
395
00:13:20,780 --> 00:13:22,514
we're gonna lose, which really means
396
00:13:22,516 --> 00:13:25,149
that I serve no actual purpose.
397
00:13:25,151 --> 00:13:27,552
Okay, you're using a very chipper tone,
398
00:13:27,554 --> 00:13:29,621
but the words you say sound sad.
399
00:13:29,623 --> 00:13:31,122
I'm devastated!
400
00:13:31,124 --> 00:13:33,424
See, I always thought that I
was the one that got the win,
401
00:13:33,426 --> 00:13:34,626
but turns out, it's not me.
402
00:13:34,628 --> 00:13:36,528
It's the actual players!
403
00:13:36,530 --> 00:13:38,162
Whoo! Good stuff!
404
00:13:38,164 --> 00:13:39,220
Wrong.
405
00:13:39,222 --> 00:13:41,766
It's a fact, only a great
coach can make a great team.
406
00:13:41,768 --> 00:13:43,334
Let's talk facts.
407
00:13:43,336 --> 00:13:44,969
Who scores all the touchdowns?
408
00:13:44,971 --> 00:13:47,371
- The players.
- And who sacks the quarterback?
409
00:13:47,373 --> 00:13:48,673
The players.
410
00:13:48,675 --> 00:13:51,275
And in our game against
Germantown last year,
411
00:13:51,277 --> 00:13:54,311
who told our quarterback to
go no huddle on third down
412
00:13:54,313 --> 00:13:55,579
and pass for the win?
413
00:13:55,581 --> 00:13:58,049
- Aha! That's you!
- Correct!
414
00:13:58,051 --> 00:14:00,317
But then Ronnie called an
audible and ran it in himself,
415
00:14:00,319 --> 00:14:03,187
and I just stood there and I watched!
416
00:14:03,189 --> 00:14:04,655
At the end of the day,
417
00:14:04,657 --> 00:14:07,291
me and my whistle don't do a damn thing.
418
00:14:07,293 --> 00:14:09,060
No, Rick, do not take that whistle off.
419
00:14:09,062 --> 00:14:10,494
Whistle's off. Take it.
420
00:14:10,496 --> 00:14:12,196
But it's your main coach tool.
421
00:14:12,198 --> 00:14:13,464
Doesn't matter what I use.
422
00:14:13,466 --> 00:14:16,067
Let's face it, nothing
I do makes a difference.
423
00:14:19,172 --> 00:14:20,850
Why is it wet?
424
00:14:20,852 --> 00:14:23,092
It had been a day since
Coach handed over his whistle
425
00:14:23,094 --> 00:14:25,287
to Glascott, but it was far from over.
426
00:14:25,289 --> 00:14:26,712
Boss, we got a huge problem!
427
00:14:26,714 --> 00:14:28,687
I told you, Johnny, you're
the one with the rubber gloves.
428
00:14:28,689 --> 00:14:31,386
- You handle it.
- No, it's the Quaker Cup.
429
00:14:31,388 --> 00:14:32,487
It's gone.
430
00:14:32,489 --> 00:14:33,721
That's impossible!
431
00:14:33,723 --> 00:14:36,258
Mellor checks on that trophy
once an hour on the hour.
432
00:14:37,227 --> 00:14:39,060
Oh, no.
433
00:14:39,062 --> 00:14:40,695
Oh, God, no, Rick, no!
434
00:14:40,697 --> 00:14:41,729
Oh, no!
435
00:14:41,731 --> 00:14:43,431
Don't look at me. I'm hideous.
436
00:14:43,433 --> 00:14:45,200
Put that spoon down right now!
437
00:14:45,202 --> 00:14:47,035
Let me say goodbye
to my trophy in peace!
438
00:14:47,037 --> 00:14:48,203
No!
439
00:14:48,205 --> 00:14:49,537
Do you know how many
times you've picked me up
440
00:14:49,539 --> 00:14:51,472
when I felt like I was bad at my job?
441
00:14:51,474 --> 00:14:54,175
Like, a lot. Like, way too many times.
442
00:14:54,177 --> 00:14:56,411
Like, so much that it's a
bummer to even think about.
443
00:14:56,413 --> 00:14:58,079
It does seem to happen
with great frequency.
444
00:14:58,081 --> 00:14:59,747
We both agree it's an alarming amount!
445
00:14:59,749 --> 00:15:01,616
Point is, you've always picked me up
446
00:15:01,618 --> 00:15:03,518
when I felt like I was bad at my job,
447
00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:05,853
and now it's time for me to give you
448
00:15:05,855 --> 00:15:08,489
an inspirational locker room pep talk.
449
00:15:08,491 --> 00:15:10,024
That day, John Glascott gave
450
00:15:10,026 --> 00:15:12,026
the greatest Rick Mellor
speech of his life.
451
00:15:12,028 --> 00:15:14,295
Naturally, it began
with the angry jug kick.
452
00:15:14,297 --> 00:15:15,963
I'm tired of your defeated attitude
453
00:15:15,965 --> 00:15:17,998
and your sad dairy consumption!
454
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:21,135
You may wanna give up, but I
refuse to give up on you!
455
00:15:21,137 --> 00:15:22,804
Aah! Ow!
456
00:15:22,806 --> 00:15:24,605
Followed by the heartfelt apology.
457
00:15:24,607 --> 00:15:26,307
I'm sorry you had to see that.
458
00:15:26,309 --> 00:15:28,443
It's just that I care so much.
459
00:15:28,445 --> 00:15:29,677
Especially in my foot,
460
00:15:29,679 --> 00:15:31,913
which hurts so bad that I may throw up.
461
00:15:31,915 --> 00:15:33,815
Then the classic "I quit" maneuver.
462
00:15:33,817 --> 00:15:35,416
You wanna just throw in the towel?
463
00:15:35,418 --> 00:15:36,984
Then I will, too!
464
00:15:36,986 --> 00:15:38,285
I quit!
465
00:15:38,287 --> 00:15:39,587
That's on your head!
466
00:15:39,589 --> 00:15:41,589
You did this!
467
00:15:41,591 --> 00:15:43,122
And then the triumphant return.
468
00:15:43,124 --> 00:15:45,091
Hey, look, it's me. I'm back.
469
00:15:45,093 --> 00:15:47,360
And I believe in you more than ever.
470
00:15:47,362 --> 00:15:49,062
None of it worked, so he went rogue.
471
00:15:49,064 --> 00:15:50,897
Listen up, you sack of [BLEEP]!
472
00:15:50,899 --> 00:15:53,433
Stop acting like a sorry-ass [BLEEP]
473
00:15:53,435 --> 00:15:56,670
and get your head in the
[BLEEP] game, for [BLEEP] sake!
474
00:15:56,672 --> 00:15:58,939
Whoa! Stop! What's the
matter with you, man?
475
00:15:58,941 --> 00:16:01,007
I don't know. I-I'm not good at this.
476
00:16:01,009 --> 00:16:03,109
Is that what I sound like
when I'm giving a pep talk?
477
00:16:03,111 --> 00:16:05,812
Oh, God. I'm more
useless than I thought.
478
00:16:05,814 --> 00:16:08,047
You're not useless, Rick.
479
00:16:08,049 --> 00:16:10,254
Okay, so, maybe you don't actually
480
00:16:10,256 --> 00:16:12,212
make the players win the game,
481
00:16:12,214 --> 00:16:14,087
but, honestly, that's not your job.
482
00:16:14,089 --> 00:16:15,589
- Of course it is.
- No.
483
00:16:15,591 --> 00:16:18,191
Your job is to teach those
kids that even when they lose,
484
00:16:18,193 --> 00:16:20,793
they can still feel like winners.
485
00:16:20,795 --> 00:16:22,761
You're right.
486
00:16:22,763 --> 00:16:24,130
And ya know...
487
00:16:24,132 --> 00:16:27,633
I actually think I have
a plan that just may work.
488
00:16:27,635 --> 00:16:28,868
Alright, Quaker warriors.
489
00:16:28,870 --> 00:16:30,669
Huddle up. We got a big game today.
490
00:16:30,671 --> 00:16:32,305
No more pep talks, Coach.
491
00:16:32,307 --> 00:16:34,007
There's no point in
trying to convince us
492
00:16:34,009 --> 00:16:35,408
we can actually beat Germantown.
493
00:16:35,410 --> 00:16:36,476
Agreed!
494
00:16:36,478 --> 00:16:40,646
Look, I'm not one to get up
here and make big speeches,
495
00:16:40,648 --> 00:16:43,383
but like it or not,
we got a game to play.
496
00:16:43,385 --> 00:16:45,385
But we can still find a way to win.
497
00:16:45,387 --> 00:16:47,120
How?
498
00:16:47,122 --> 00:16:48,287
We do everything in our power
499
00:16:48,289 --> 00:16:51,189
to make sure this game
isn't a total blowout.
500
00:16:51,191 --> 00:16:52,858
But... that means we still lose.
501
00:16:52,860 --> 00:16:54,860
But we do it with dignity.
502
00:16:54,862 --> 00:16:57,963
I know you're all thinking
we're gonna lose by at least 50.
503
00:16:57,965 --> 00:16:59,464
Well, guess what.
504
00:16:59,466 --> 00:17:03,969
I know in my heart that
we can lose by just 49!
505
00:17:03,971 --> 00:17:05,237
That's impossible, Coach.
506
00:17:05,239 --> 00:17:06,872
Is it, Ronnie?
507
00:17:06,874 --> 00:17:08,240
Reza, we all agree you're gonna throw
508
00:17:08,242 --> 00:17:10,509
a minimum of nine interceptions.
509
00:17:10,511 --> 00:17:13,211
But if you can throw
just four, that's a win.
510
00:17:13,213 --> 00:17:15,247
The biggest. Is it even possible?
511
00:17:15,249 --> 00:17:16,916
Hell yes!
512
00:17:16,918 --> 00:17:19,151
I know our defensive
line is as thin as paper,
513
00:17:19,153 --> 00:17:20,886
but I say be thick as cardboard!
514
00:17:20,888 --> 00:17:23,722
And I know our running backs
are as slow as molasses,
515
00:17:23,724 --> 00:17:26,358
but I say be maple syrup!
516
00:17:26,360 --> 00:17:28,260
And if you're gonna
sloppily fumble the ball,
517
00:17:28,262 --> 00:17:29,827
you do it with your head held high!
518
00:17:29,829 --> 00:17:31,563
- Am I right?!
- Yeah!
519
00:17:31,565 --> 00:17:33,598
Are you ready to go out
there and show Germantown
520
00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:36,034
that no matter how
many points they score,
521
00:17:36,036 --> 00:17:38,070
we draw the line at 50?!
522
00:17:38,072 --> 00:17:39,637
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
523
00:17:39,639 --> 00:17:42,040
Well, then let's get out
there and get our asses kicked,
524
00:17:42,042 --> 00:17:44,676
but not as badly as everybody expects!
525
00:17:44,678 --> 00:17:46,244
Yeah!! Yeah!! Yeah!! Yeah!!
526
00:17:50,484 --> 00:17:52,551
We did it! We only lost by 49!
527
00:18:01,160 --> 00:18:02,659
You do know we won, right?
528
00:18:02,661 --> 00:18:05,062
Only according to the scoreboard.
529
00:18:05,064 --> 00:18:07,164
Here. I believe this is yours.
530
00:18:07,166 --> 00:18:08,399
Take good care of her.
531
00:18:10,603 --> 00:18:14,071
That day, Coach won the
biggest game of his career.
532
00:18:14,073 --> 00:18:16,574
Sure, the team may have
lost in epic fashion,
533
00:18:16,576 --> 00:18:18,942
but in doing so, they
learned a valuable lesson...
534
00:18:18,944 --> 00:18:21,912
if you always try your best,
you'll never be disappointed.
535
00:18:21,914 --> 00:18:24,047
Well? How was the big date?
536
00:18:24,049 --> 00:18:25,248
I need details... now.
537
00:18:25,250 --> 00:18:27,050
Uh, y'know, you were right.
538
00:18:27,052 --> 00:18:28,785
It really was exactly what I needed.
539
00:18:28,787 --> 00:18:30,320
As in sparks? You and Wilma had sparks?
540
00:18:30,322 --> 00:18:31,722
Oh, God, no. No.
541
00:18:31,724 --> 00:18:34,223
But it made me realize that maybe love
542
00:18:34,225 --> 00:18:36,459
isn't a sinking ship and
to give it another shot.
543
00:18:36,461 --> 00:18:37,728
Awesome.
544
00:18:37,730 --> 00:18:39,562
And for the record, whoever
that girl was that hurt you,
545
00:18:39,564 --> 00:18:40,631
she's an idiot.
546
00:18:40,633 --> 00:18:42,065
She's actually pretty great.
547
00:18:42,067 --> 00:18:43,800
You're too nice.
548
00:18:43,802 --> 00:18:45,201
So are you.
549
00:18:45,203 --> 00:18:48,471
I mean, you let me crash on
your couch for the last month.
550
00:18:48,473 --> 00:18:50,373
But I should probably start
looking for my own place.
551
00:18:50,375 --> 00:18:52,375
Really? There's no rush.
552
00:18:52,377 --> 00:18:55,078
I know, but it's time to move on.
553
00:18:55,080 --> 00:18:57,781
Thank you for being the best
damn best friend in the world.
554
00:18:57,783 --> 00:18:58,783
Always.
555
00:19:00,318 --> 00:19:03,385
Turns out, CB did
believe in love after all.
556
00:19:03,387 --> 00:19:04,687
He just needed a little proof
557
00:19:04,689 --> 00:19:06,211
from the people who care about him.
558
00:19:06,213 --> 00:19:08,947
Seriously, still trying
to refute my findings?
559
00:19:08,949 --> 00:19:11,827
Sorry. I just can't get over knowing
there was room on the door.
560
00:19:11,829 --> 00:19:14,130
Just say it. Wilma is always right.
561
00:19:14,132 --> 00:19:15,330
You really are.
562
00:19:15,332 --> 00:19:17,612
I mean, you went on
one non-date with CB,
563
00:19:17,614 --> 00:19:18,701
and now he's all happy again.
564
00:19:18,703 --> 00:19:19,902
What did you even say to him?
565
00:19:19,904 --> 00:19:21,771
Just helped him figure
out a way to move on.
566
00:19:30,581 --> 00:19:32,314
It's time I move on.
567
00:19:51,468 --> 00:19:53,001
Oh, my God.
568
00:19:53,003 --> 00:19:54,603
I'm the girl.
569
00:19:56,707 --> 00:19:58,407
I'm the girl.
570
00:20:00,411 --> 00:20:03,011
Life can throw some
huge surprises at us.
571
00:20:03,013 --> 00:20:04,813
But if you have the
people who care about you
572
00:20:04,815 --> 00:20:06,248
there to support you,
573
00:20:06,250 --> 00:20:09,551
you'll always find a way to win.
574
00:20:19,979 --> 00:20:21,512
I'm the king of the...
575
00:20:21,514 --> 00:20:23,503
Waah! Ugh!
576
00:20:23,505 --> 00:20:27,109
Starting today, this school has
a strict zero-tolerance policy
577
00:20:27,111 --> 00:20:29,833
for "King of the world'ing"
in any of its forms.
578
00:20:29,835 --> 00:20:32,469
You think it's fun to pull
a Jack? Well, it's not!
579
00:20:32,471 --> 00:20:34,182
Do not Jack in the hallways
580
00:20:34,184 --> 00:20:35,839
or Jack in the parking lot.
581
00:20:35,841 --> 00:20:37,874
Do not Jack near your locker.
582
00:20:37,876 --> 00:20:40,044
Do not Jack near your friend's locker.
583
00:20:40,046 --> 00:20:43,247
And please, for God's sakes,
do not pull a quick Jack
584
00:20:43,249 --> 00:20:46,216
with the skeleton in science class.
585
00:20:46,218 --> 00:20:47,984
Yeah, that's right, we all heard!
586
00:20:49,088 --> 00:20:50,854
Hey, boss! Sorry to miss the assembly.
587
00:20:50,856 --> 00:20:52,856
Just rigging this beauty
up for the sailing team.
588
00:20:52,858 --> 00:20:54,291
Also, look at me!
589
00:20:54,293 --> 00:20:55,658
Oh, God, no, no, no, no!
590
00:20:55,660 --> 00:20:57,160
No Jacking in the parking lot!
591
00:20:57,162 --> 00:20:58,528
No, no, look away, children!
592
00:20:58,530 --> 00:21:00,430
- I'm the king of the world!
- No!!
43948
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