All language subtitles for Kathy.Griffin.A.Hell.Of.A.Story.2019.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-TEPES

Ladies and
gentlemen, here she is,

the hilarious Kathy Griffin!

Whoa, whoa, this isn'’t
where the story starts.

Let'’s take it back
to the very beginning.

Comics have a real role
in social expression.

I started thinking about
that Megyn Kelly thing.

Blood coming out of her eyes,

blood coming out
of her everywhere.

This is fake blood,
just so you know.

The image went viral,

Kathy Griffin holding
a bloody likeness

of President
Donald Trump'’s head.

The President
did tweet moments ago,

"Kathy Griffin should
be ashamed of herself."

Her
cross-country comedy tour
was canceled.

This is vile and wrong.

Disgusting but not surprising.

Was done to provoke.

Creating a backlash...

She'’s now seeing the reaction.

If you didn'’t like
that picture, that'’s fine,

but that picture was legal.

It'’s very much covered
by the first amendment.

CNN fired her
from a decade-long gig

hosting New Years Eve.

Banned for life from
CNN, and that'’s just weird.

Anderson didn'’t
just say he didn'’t like it.

Anderson went after her.

Everybody'’s a hypocrite

because everybody'’s
imagined themselves

standing there with his head.

At least half the country.

Whether this is
art or a bad joke,

the Secret Service says it
can'’t afford to take any
chances.

The FBI was contacting me.

"You'’re under what'’s
called a credible threat."

The death threats that
I'’m getting are constant.

I was detained at every
single airport that I went to.

She deserves everything
that'’s coming to her.

The President and his
family are personally trying

to decimate me, as well as
the Department of Justice.

No way was it a
proportional response.

It is historic.

And it got so crazy.

I really just start to think,
I'’ve gotta make this funny.

Even though you watch FOX
News and I made a photo

that offended a lot of
people, you support me.

You'’re with me 100%.

Go on, don'’t hold
back lady, go on.

I do support you,
but not in that instance.

-There are limits!
-Excuse me,

who is this?

The other night you were
screaming in the phone.

You should of seen her,
she calls me, she goes,

"I am not supporting
you on this.

Not one bit.

You are on your own.

And why won'’t Bill O'’Reilly
come back from vacation?"

That'’s what you said.

I said I cannot condone it.

Well you know what,
guess what, it'’s America.

I don'’t need you to condone
everything I do, Mother.

Sometimes you still
have to have boundaries.

-I'’ve always
taught you about...
-Mother!

I'’m always talking to
her about boundaries.

Booo, booo!

That'’s exactly what I said.

She hit me!

I'’m sorry, nails,
I just had my nails done.

She scratched me in the face.

No, that'’s exactly
what I told her.

All right, and if
you could say--

My heart bleeds for you.

But if you could say...

Mother, look in the camera

and say whatever you
wanna say to Sean Hannity.

Sean, I was terribly upset
that what an angry way

and terrible things
you talked about Kathy.

I thought it was very
ungallant for a man.

-Sorry she swore.
-So spiteful.

Honest to God,
it'’s the truth.

I didn'’t tell him, but
I was talking to the TV.

-I was very upset.
-But you love Sean!

Well, I wanted to hear
what they had to say.

I thought someone
would stick up for you.

Sean, you thought Sean Hannity

-would stick up for me?
-Well, I like Sean!

I never saw that side of him!

I think Sean'’s gonna take
his beat down very seriously.

He'’s probably going to
resign tomorrow, Sean.

I am not going to
listen to Sean anymore.

Sean get the fuck
out of that chair.

You shouldn'’t even have
that piece of shit show

you fucking liar,
all right, you propagandist?

Why don'’t you move to Kremlin

if you'’re so fucking in
love with the Russians?

-Kathy, I'’m--
-Sorry.

Boundaries,
boundaries, boundaries!

Maggie and I were grabbing
laughs where we could,

but in the midst of the
scandal,

my sister Joyce was suffering
through stage four cancer.

By the way I expect a
hair campaign after this.

If I'’m ever not being federally investigated

which, you know,
happens.

And to the point where
you just live under

basic house arrest for a while

and don'’t know what to do

and then your dog dies, and
then your sister gets cancer

and you'’re like fuck it, let'’s
just shave my fucking head.

It'’s gonna be fine. I'’m fine!

You'’re the one who'’s crazy.

So what I do, and what
got me in trouble,

is I do shocking pictures,
or I tell a crazy joke,

just to shake people and go,

hey, look over
here for a second,

this crazy thing is happening.

Surprise!

What did you do?

I shaved my head in
solidarity with Joyce!

God, Kathy.

I know, feel it!

I know, yeah!

You know, a lot of people
do this with their hair,

as a problem or whatever.

I just wanted to do it for her,

to show that I was with her

and then I said I'’ll go
through the no hair first

and then I'’ll tell
you what it'’s like.

That'’s nice Kath,
that'’s nice, that'’s great.

We gotta stick together!

But don'’t ask me to shave mine.

You'’re next!

We'’re gonna start downstairs.

-All right.
-OK!

Great.

There is no situation
that doesn'’t need comedy

and honestly like, if I can be
sort of serious for a second,

I really do feel like
the whole world is

scared shitless right now

and I do think Trump is
one of the biggest reasons.

We'’ve all dealt with
multiple obstacles

and heartbreaks in life
that happen concurrently.

So I did what I'’ve always done,

and jumped back into
what I know best,

getting back to basics and
doing live standup comedy
shows.

I knew I couldn'’t get
work in the United States.

So, I dusted myself off,
started working the phones,

and planned an
18-country overseas tour.

What you don'’t see after this

is that I was detained
by Homeland Security.

Yeah, I made my flight.

But when we landed in
Auckland, New Zealand,

I was detained there as well.

This became a pattern.

The theater'’s gorgeous.

I am so happy to have
the opportunity to

It'’s me, Kathy Griffin,
international superstar,

and controversial comedian.

And I'’m glad to be here.

So, that'’s what I'’m giving
thanks for, how about that?

Auckland!

Kathy had a Trump
supporter come to the show

last night and threw a
ketchup bottle at her onstage.

Luckily, it didn'’t hit her,

but it could have been a
ketchup bottle one night,

and we don'’t know what'’s
gonna happen the next show,

or the next show after that.

So we'’ll try to take
every precaution possible,

but it is alarming
and she'’s scared,

and just wanna make
sure she'’s OK.

Like anyone, Kathy
has her ups and downs.

But when she has a performance,

she bounces back quickly.

Miss, it'’s me, Kathy
Griffin, from fame.

Kathy Griffin from
the United States,

we'’re sorry
about the President!

I'’m sorry about the President!

I didn'’t vote for him!

I mean Tru, not Tru, boy.

Hello, it'’s me Kathy Griffin.

It'’s me, Kathy Griffin,

I'’ll be at the Opera
House on Saturday!

How many times
has the headliner

from the Opera House
said hello?

Film that!

At least wave for God'’s sake.

Yay, sorry about Trump!

Sorry, totally our
fault, I'’m sorry.

He'’s crazy, he'’s
crazy, all right.

Fans everywhere.

Even on my day off,
I'’m a people person.

I love people, and
people love me.

Um, OK, so I'’m impulsive.

So I saw that guy
walking down the street

with an anti-gay
marriage T-shirt,

but like really big
letters, did you see that?

So it said like
No Gay Marriage,

so I tried to engage
with him, and just say,

I'’m just curious
what your opinion is,

and he was like very stiff,

and then finally he went, "One
man, one woman, children."

And then I tried to go,
"Well what if the children like

really need parents,
and they'’re sick,

like wouldn'’t you
rather have the child,"

and I go, "I respect
you have an opinion,"

but he was very hardcore.

And I cannot honestly
say I changed a mind.

I'’m a little nervous to run
into him on the way back,

but I tried.

Well, once I was in
Australia,

there were no more
airport detentions.

I had amazing audiences
in Brisbane and Perth

and two sold-out
shows in Melbourne.

I didn'’t have a
care in the world.

I was having a great time
and making my fans laugh.

Look at me dance!

I forgot all about my problems!

Next stop, Singapore.

Hey, Singapore!

Hold it, hold it.

Let'’s go back just a second.

Yeah. Went to Singapore
and guess what?

I was held for six hours.

That'’s right, left by
myself in a detention room.

They took my passport, took
my phone, took my SIM card.

Then, after hours,
they gave it back to me

with no explanation as usual.

The audience in Singapore let
me do three hours of standup.

I was so excited after that,

I wanted to do a
little sightseeing.

So it'’s very, very
hot and humid here.

So I insisted on having like
a real Singapore experience

so we just at some
place called the, um--

Newton Circus.

The Newton Circus, and it was
really good food, delicious.

And then strangers offered
me like part of their food.

'’Cause I was like,
"Hi, I'’m American,

I apologize
for Trump of course."

And they just
gave me free food.

But in addition,
I bought some food.

But them something'’s
kinda coming over me

with like the
humidity or whatever.

So we'’re trying to do one
of our long walks but I'’m--

All right,
we gotta get out of here

and get you safe, OK?

OK.

I'’m gonna
turn off the camera now.

All right.

All right, cool down.

So, I had a show in
Dublin last night.

And, the New York Times was
there, which I didn'’t know.

And I'’m not kidding, it was
the weirdest show I'’ve ever had

in my whole career,
not just the tour.

Here'’s the title
of the article,

"Kathy Griffin'’s Wild Show:
Defiant, Shaken,
then Fainting."

I did faint, in the wings.

Not on stage though.

I didn'’t wanna be that person.

Here'’s the first
line of the review,

"Dublin. Every era gets the
Lenny Bruce it deserves.

Ours is Kathy Griffin."

I mean, you can'’t
write that shit.

Someone did.

"But counting out
a force of nature

like Ms. Griffin is a mistake."

You should read
the New York Times.

It'’s filled with stories.

So here I am,
working my butt off,

doing shows that are three
hours long every night.

The audiences could
not have been better.

But I'’ll be honest, every
time I had a great show,

I hoped I would get a call
from a network executive,

producer, or anyone who could
get me a job in America.

But still, no calls came.

Ironically, I mean I kinda
tweeted a little bit about it,

but ironically I'’ve
got a couple of texts

from Alec Baldwin,
who I consider to be a friend.

And one thing I'’ve
never told anybody is,

ever since the famous
Trump photo, May 31st,

the day that changed my life,

Alec Baldwin has been
kind and was reaching out

and I have several
texts from him saying,

"Lorne Michaels and
I want you to do

the season premiere of SNL.

What you'’re going
through isn'’t right.

Do you have ideas?
We have ideas."

Anyway, I appreciate that
Alec has been texting

somewhat regularly
and checking in,

but as you know, obviously I
didn'’t do Saturday Night Live.

And I have to be honest,

it'’s one of those
things where once again,

when I say no one'’s
lifted a finger,

I mean, a lot of people have
reached out and been wonderful,

but none of the people
who could actually

affect a little bit of change

where I could go back to the
States and make a living,

or at least feel safe,
have lifted a finger.

And frankly I thought, yeah,
if I could just do a walk-on,

or one sketch, in
Saturday Night Live,

with all of those
other great comedians

surrounding me basically,
or being in their company,

could have
really made a change.

And that would
have, in my opinion,

that would have meant
lifting a finger.

And so, I'’m not saying
it'’s Alec Baldwin'’s fault,

but it'’s definitely
Lorne Michael'’s fault.

And you'’ve just seen
why I'’m so beloved

by the Hollywood establishment.

I was getting hit on all sides
from people in high places.

While on tour, TMZ'’s
very own Harvey Levin,

the same Harvey Levin
who had written

several hit pieces on me,

left me a message asking me
if I had a minute to call him.

I don'’t have a
minute to call him.

Maybe you do.

The reason I did that is that

during the entire
Trump scandal,

I was docked so much

that people obviously
got my phone number

and my address, and the
Trumpers came after me.

And I just want you guys
to know Harvey Levin,

Harvey Levin, a blogger,
is very much in bed

with everybody from
Hollywood to Donald Trump.

I'’m in front of the
Vienna Opera House.

Wow.

And we'’re gonna go
get some schnitzel

or something
schnitzel-adjacent.

I might ask for tofu schnitzel.

Maybe a strudel?

Definitely apple strudel.

All right, bye!

Acthung!

Look at that crowd!

It took a team of people
to get this thing together.

Actually, I have a confession.

This entire tour has just been
Randy, me, and my assistant.

Yeah, just the three
of us doing everything.

This was an awesome show

and Kathy'’s assistant
decided to resign.

All I can say is that
the show will go on.

We'’re very excited to go
to Dusseldorf tomorrow,

and a show in Cologne,
Germany on Monday night.

So, high drama

and the show must go on.

All right, this is
my Kathy Griffin

signature fluff-and-fold,

so here are the darks,

I'’m gonna put them on
the towels for a minute.

And now, I'’m gonna
do the whites.

So I'’ve already washed
them in one sink,

and they'’re dripping wet,

so what I do is I put
'’em in the dry sink,

and I fluffed '’em
with my hands,

'’cause well my assistant
quit last night,

at 2:30 in the morning.

So I'’m just gonna
do laundry this way.

Hey everybody, well, I'’m
here in Cologne, Germany,

or as they call it, Koln.

And we drove from Dusseldorf.

That'’s right, Dusseldorf,
which is not even in America.

And I have been tweeting
on social media.

I'’m of course nervous because
I'’m once again assuming

that they speak better
English than I do,

and I'’m also nervous

because I'’m gonna talk about
how much I like Angela Merkel

even though today in the news,

she had a vote that sort
of didn'’t go her way

and I'’ve been told
not to talk about it.

But, I'’m gonna tell
them they'’re better off

with her than Trump.

I mean I think I'’m
safe with that one.

Anyway, I'’m very
excited to be performing

in this gorgeous venue.

I'’m gonna be honest, I don'’t
know what the venue looks like.

Most gigs I do I just
see the backstage, so,

I'’m sure it'’s lovely.

I mean it'’s European.

It'’s also raining like hell,
and one person tweeted me

and they were pissed
that I wasn'’t performing

at a theater near
their train station.

You know, sorry.

I'’m doing the best I can.

The audience in
Germany was great.

After that, we had
Stockholm and Helsinki.

Two more countries
in three days.

But you guys,
it was bitter cold.

And it was just Randy and I.

I have to admit,
with all the travel

and airport security issues,

it started to
take a toll on me.

My first day off, I crashed.

So, I'’m kind of having a moment

because of a lot of things.

So I can'’t sleep like this.

It'’s night after night

without being able to sleep.

And obviously it'’s
getting to me,

and the time changes,

I'’m not able to get
a hold of the folks

that I need to get a hold of.

I'’m working myself to the bone.

Like, really to the bone.

I get these bursts of
strength and confidence

and I assert myself and it
always results in a dogpile.

I can'’t even look
online for news

without stumbling upon
like fucked-up shit.

I'’m sure this is
gonna play well.

It'’s cold this morning.

It'’s about 28 degrees.

Snow flurries,
and not much open.

Gonna get some coffee,
Kathy'’s resting.

Last night was a
hard night for her.

She did two and a half hours

and I think her body
is physically exhausted

and she'’s resting.

We have a travel day today.

It wasn'’t
just a travel day.

Seeing this
cheered me right up.

There were fabulous drag queens

waiting for me outside my show.

Hey, girls!

-Hello!
-I love you!

Any
messages for Kathy?

Last minute!

That'’s it for the tour.

No shows scheduled
anymore currently,

so we'’re gonna enjoy it.

Go home and regroup

and relax after a
successful trip.

And here'’s a view
of the background.

Some boats,

some snow.

Look at that, people.

Granted, the
weathers look rough,

but that is a beautiful venue.

And I get to play there.

After we do the laundry.

And who did the laundry last
night, give me a little credit.

You did.

That'’s right.

You'’ve been
an amazing audience!

It'’s the last night
of the tour,

thank you so much for coming!

I love you guys, good night!

So Randy and I
made it back home.

And despite the negative news
cycle spinnin'’ against me,

based on the strength of my
international tour ticket
sales,

and the support of
my hardcore fans,

I was about to play over 30
cities across North America!

I'’m in the car with New
York'’s finest female comics

and we just wanna say
we fuckin'’ love you

and we'’re with you.

-We'’re with you!
-You'’re hysterical.

-You'’re hilarious.
-And you looked fucking great

in that picture by the way.

-Gorgeous all the way.
-Yeah, you'’re so hot

and we love you and you
make us laugh so much.

Love you.

Yahoo!

Here comes the fun part.

You guys haven'’t seen
the actual show yet,

I just realized that!

Thank God the
dress held up.

This is the last
show on the tour,

and I got hair and makeup on,

and pretty lighting and!

There'’s a shiny
floor and everything.

Here we go!

Ladies and gentlemen,

here she is,
the hilarious Kathy Griffin!

How the hell are ya?

Hello, thank you!

You'’re here!

You actually came!

Thank you, thank you,
thank you!

I hope you'’re in for a
night of shit talkin'’

and scalding hot tea!

This morning, and this is real,

this morning, I was
woken up by the FBI,

so they came to my house,

and, for anyone who'’s watching
this and thinking like

when is that bitch
gonna stop talking

about that fucking
picture, well it turns out,

well, guess who was on the
MAGA bombers'’ target list?

Yes, so they showed up.

And when I say I'’m glad
to be here like seriously,

I was afraid.

Let me sort of work backwards

and I'’m gonna be
all over the map

because I'’m gonna tell
you all of the horror

of the Trump stuff, because
I honestly really believe

that if it happened to me,
it could happen to you.

And it is happening
to other people.

So, let me just start
with how the picture

keeps getting like ginned
up over and over, right?

OK, so besides the
fact that the MAGA bomber

doesn'’t care for my work.

So anyway, a few months
ago, remember the scandal

with The Rosanne Show
getting canceled?

OK, and then if you remember

the very next day
was what I call

the fake Samantha Bee
full-frontal scandal.

Thank you, because that was
a joke that was, I feel,

completely fair, and you know,

Feckless totally has it coming.

Now, so what happened is

this whole process,

this whole thing that I'’m
gonna tell you about tonight,

is what I now call the
Trump wood chipper.

And, D-list as I am,

I was the kind of the first
like celebrity to be thrown

into the Trump wood chipper.

Because my photo, the infamous
photo, which by the way,

was a mask with ketchup on it!

Can we be clear?

It was a mask with
ketchup, I promise!

So, I'’ve had to
travel the world.

I started in
Auckland, New Zealand.

I had to go to Reykjavik,
Iceland to tell my dick jokes.

Reykjavik, Iceland,
that'’s right.

I actually get offended
when people are like,

"You got Dixie Chicked!"

And I'’m like, no no, I
got Dixie Dicked, OK?

Everybody turned on me, left,
right, center, the military.

Fuckin'’ Alyssa Milano
tweeted against me.

Alyssa Milano for God'’s sake!

Here'’s the thing, you know the
MAGAts, I call them MAGAts,

I don'’t mean Republicans,
I mean like, you know,

the MAGA hat-wearing
crazies, let'’s cut the shit,

they'’re all fuckin'’ nuts,

and they'’re not into
readin'’ or writin'’.

No, I know this is dark,

but I brought you one
of my death threats.

Hold on, hear me out.

Only because it'’s a great
example of how the MAGA fans,

the Trump fans, they'’re
not really big on grammar.

Anyway, a few months ago,

we'’ve all had that
time when you wake up

and there'’s too many texts
on your phone, right?

Like that'’s not good!

It'’s good to get an
occasional hello,

but when you'’re just flooded,

and don'’t ya like your friends
that are nice and vague?

"Hey girl, are you OK?"

"OMG call me"

"I'’m here if you need to talk."

All right, just fuckin'’
tell me who died.

So, what happened was,

it turned out that the
Roseanne scandal had happened,

and Samantha Bee the next day,

and so, then Sarah Fuckabee
Sanders decided to just...

Yes fuck her, fuck that liar.

She is a liar!

She is lying to us!

I'’m going hard
for all of them.

I don'’t give a fuck anymore.

I'’m going for
everybody and anybody,

and fuck her for knowing
she'’s lying and still lying,

and I know this is vicious,
but I'’m gonna go there

because they go there,

does one gay here
have one goddamn belt
to give that bitch?

One belt, one belt
for Sarah Fuckabee,

even a pillow
has to be defined.

I said it, I said it.

And I know when my beloved
Michelle Obama says,

"When they go low, we go high."

Michelle, I love you,
take the night off.

Cause I'’m fuckin'’
down in the mud

with the pigs where I belong.

Rolling around, rolling
around, look at me.

Right where I belong,
what made me a star goddammit.

All right, so we
have a precedent,

and I use that word
because he tweeted one time

"I'’m so proud to
be your precedent."

I'’m like that shit
sticks with me honey.

That sticks.

You are the precedent
now and forever.

And when he twatted on
the Twitter machine,

"I'’m so happy the First Lady
Melanie is coming home today,"

you know, from the tit job.

Allegedly, allegedly.

I have no proof, I'’m alleging.

And I thought, all right,
she'’s Melanie from now on.

And also, fuck her.

So I know some of the
gays wanna make her over

cause she'’s fierce, no.

She'’s 45-year-old grown
woman, she'’s a birther,

I threw up a clip on my Twitter
saying how she'’s a birther,

and fuck her with
that green jacket.

I Really Don'’t Care do
you, yes, I do care,

and I know you
care too, Melanie!

All right so, could of weeks
ago Don Jr. comes at me,

and I love when all these
middle-aged white guys

try to go comedically
toe-to-toe with me, right,

they think it'’s
gonna go their way.

So Don Jr. Tweets,

"The reason you don'’t
have a special isn'’t

because you'’re a woman.

It'’s because you'’re
not a good comedian.

It'’s really that simple."

And then I just wrote back,

"FYI, they don'’t have
Netflix in prison."

Which is true.

He got me!

And we'’ll get to
Stormy in a minute,

I became friends
with Stormy Daniels!

She came to my Boston show.

They snuck her back
into my dressing room!

And there she was with
the tits and the hair

and the smile in
all of her glory,

and I go, "Hi Thelma,
it'’s me Louise,

let'’s take this fucker down."

And, OK so, she
couldn'’t have been nicer

and more fun and everything so,

you know I had to drag her,
like into a private room

and get the real deal.

First of all I said to her,

"Did you want me to call
you Stephanie or Stormy?"

And she goes,
"Stormy, I earned it!"

And I go,

She goes, "I'’ve sucked
over 180,000 cocks."

Half the gay guys
here are like, "And?"

And I said,
"Look, I know you'’re
gonna testify for Mueller,

or maybe you have,
I'’m not gonna ask,

but I have to like,

you have to tell me
how bad the dick is.

Because I'’m
picturing like zigzags

and skin tags coming off"

I love your reaction
because Stormy,

who'’s sucked 180,000
cocks, kept going, "Ew!"

And I go, I'’m sorry,
are you overreacting,

because you'’re going, "Ew!"

And she was like, "Ew, it was
the worst one I'’ve ever seen!"

I'’m like, "What?"

So then she'’s telling me
about the mushroom cap.

And I'’m like I hate that
feeling where it pops in

but then you'’ve gotta
worry about the pop out

because it might have,

You know, it'’s fun goin'’ in

but you gotta think
about the exit.

I have to say it was
pretty impressive

that I made Stormy
Daniels think of his cock

and go "Ew!"

You'’re welcome.

All right, so, Sarah
Fuckabee goes before

the White House press
briefing room yet again,

and she tries to tie in
Samantha Bee to Roseanne,

which are completely apples
and oranges and here'’s why,

number one, if there'’s
one thing I know

it'’s low-budget cable.

When she called Ivanka
a feckless cunt,

fair game, fair game!

Hear me out.

First of all, you can say
the C-word, all right?

And I admit, I told you I'’m
gonna admit all of my foibles,

I admit I totally have
a double-standard.

Like I'’m one of those women
that if you'’re my girlfriend

and we wanna call each other
cunts I think it'’s great,

but if you'’re a guy
I'’m like, how dare you?

So, I admit it.

All right, so, what I
think is funny though,

is that I actually
think the Trumpers

were more upset
about the C-word

because I don'’t think they
know what feckless means.

That'’s a big college word,
that'’s a big college word.

And I would be more insulted
if someone called me feckless,

implying I couldn'’t do my job.

And I'’d be like excuse me,
I take issue with that.

I'’m a cunt, but I'’m
a very good comedian,

I know what I'’m doing, I
have a lot of experience.

How dare you, take it back!

My god, I love you guys.

All right, so here'’s the
joke that Samantha Bee did

and I'’m gonna do
the joke for you,

and I'’m gonna defend
it and here'’s why,

because number one,

you don'’t want the President
of the United States

deciding what television
shows you watch,

so I learned, like I
said, I was the test case,

and now I'’m on this mission
to make sure that they never,

ever are allowed to
do to anyone else

what they did to me.

Not Michelle Wolf

from the White House
Correspondents'’ Dinner,

not Samantha Bee, not anybody.

Not someone in entertainment,
not in any field!

Not on my watch,
no more, no way!

No way, that is some bull shit.

So like I said, Samantha
Bee does this joke.

Now it was very early
on in the border crisis.

And I think a lot of
you would agree that

out of all the heinous
things he'’s done,

that is right up there.

I mean three of those
children have died,

and it'’s something I just,
I'’m not a religious person,

but God forgive us for that.

So what Samantha Bee said,

and she does a political
satirical show.

So she said, "Mom to mom,
let me say something to you

feckless cunt, put on a
tight dress, push your tits up

and go sit on daddy'’s lap
and bounce until you fix it."

Now, number one,
they bleeped the C-word.

Also, she is
completely feckless.

I know Feckless,
I have met her,

you know, it'’s like
talking to a bag of Xanax,

I'’ll just tell you
right now, it is.

Allegedly.

I am not saying she takes
five to ten Xanax a day.

I'’m saying she reminds
me of someone who does.

My god, one time,

I was a part of a different
challenge on The Apprentice,

and Trump tried to put
me next to Feckless.

And so she was
saying things like,

"You know, I think...

you should try a
rosé-colored nail po..."

I was just like, let'’s go.

Honey, I got places to be.

You seen the husband?

Jared Kushner?

Yes, soon-to-be imprisoned?

Hopefully, hopefully.

I can dream!

I don'’t get the Kush thing.

He'’s got the drag
queen eyebrows,

he looks like he gets
17 facials a day.

Like his skin is,

it'’s like he just
took off a facial mask

of his whole body every second,

no matter what
time you catch him.

And he'’s supposed to
be this genius, right?

And so, remember the time

he just randomly
took to the podium

on the front White House lawn?

He'’s got a very odd
way of talking where he

opens his whole mouth like this

but his voice is high.

Like fuckin'’
Alvin and the Chipmunks.

I don'’t know what
she sees in him.

I don'’t get it
but I'’m not buyin'’

that he'’s like the hot one.

Not only have I known
The Donald for way too long,

but I also know
all the grown kids.

I don'’t know the little guy,

but I know Eddie Munster,
Feckless, and Date Rape.

Yeah.

I'’m just saying,

I can'’t imagine that anyone
would have consensual sex

with Eric Trump.

That'’s all I'’m saying.

I think every encounter
should be investigated.

Every single encounter.

They'’re gonna twat at
me now, look out everybody!

All right, so, um,
they'’re all idiots.

And the dad is the
biggest idiot of all,

and so you know, it was
obviously when they chose me,

to, if I may use
the word target,

I think they knew I was
an easy mark, right?

So just out of all the dudes

who supposedly
threatened the President,

none of them got in
this kind of trouble.

He'’s not gonna go after
Snoop Dogg or the singer
Morrissey

or fuckin'’ drunk
Johnny Depp in a bar.

Guys, Johnny Depp, like, he
dresses like that in real life.

He does.

He dresses like he'’s
a pirate in real life.

Have you noticed that?

He'’s got a lot of money
or sometimes he does.

I don'’t know what his
money situation is,

it'’s like a Nicolas Cage, I
don'’t know what'’s going on but,

the last time I saw him was at
the Clive Davis Grammy party

and I just go Johnny one
word, shower, shower!

So, I have no love
for all the guys

that didn'’t get in any trouble,

but I think they knew that
they could come after me,

because as many of you know,

I'’ve been kind of a one-man
band my whole career.

I don'’t have a big
network or studio,

I don'’t have any man behind me,

I don'’t have some big producer

who'’s gonna make it all better
and make it all go away.

Johnny Depp, he got
caught saying something

about the President, and
then four days later,

he'’s taking a picture
with his Make-A-Wish kid,

I know that game.

Yes, vicious, they'’ll do
anything bottom line, vicious.

All right, so, once again,
we'’ll go back
to Sarah Fuckabee.

All right, so there
she goes to the podium

and she'’s conflating
Rosanne with Samantha Bee,

and then for good
measure, as usual,

they just throw me in so
that all the Trump Army

and the robots and the
bot farms from Macedonia,

whatever the fuck'’s goin'’
on, they all come to me.

And so,
I then later watched it,

when I got all these
texts saying, "My gosh,

you'’ve gotta watch
today'’s press conference".

And so I see Sarah
up there sayin'’,

"And Roseanne was doin'’
a very good job on her show

and she had to apologize
but the President phoned her.

Samantha Bee should not
be able to keep her job.

And where'’s the apology
from comedian Kathy Griffin,

who was photographed holding
Donald Trump'’s severed head?"

I had to start my process
of debunking the idea

that I was holding a
severed head at all!

It was a freaking mask
with ketchup on it.

Let'’s be very clear,
it'’s not anyone'’s head,

I don'’t have any heads.

Although, wait till
I tell ya the stuff

that Trumpers send to my
house, you'’re gonna shit.

To this day, Trumpers
send me Bibles!

Yes, I have like 60
Bibles in my basement.

It'’s too late!

It'’s too late.

It'’s way too late for that.

I went to Catholic
school, it didn'’t work.

It didn'’t take, as they say.

So, I will say it'’s amazing
that they don'’t catch fire

every time I just
even walk past them.

But, your beloved
Maggie Griffin,

when she walks past
them she goes like this,

"Finally!"

By the way, my mom hasn'’t
seen the inside of a church

unless somebody fuckin'’
dies or gets married.

So I love how she
acts all Catholic.

First of all, she'’s
98 years young.

Still got it.

The day the photo went
live, May 30th, 2017,

the day that changed
my life irrefutably,

in the middle of
all the crazy stuff

and the walls caving in,
I'’ll get to that part later,

my own mother calls me

and I swear to God she goes,

"For Christ'’s sake Kathleen.

Of all the god-damn clubs
you could have joined."

I go, "Ma!"

"I was watchin'’
my Sean Hannity."

I go "Mother!

What are you doing
watching that for?"

"He says you joined Al Kay-da."

"Couldn'’t you collect
stamps or something

instead of joining Al Kay-da?"

Like it'’s a caterpillar
relative or something, so.

Anyway, just so you know,
after that phone call,

on that day, I'’m laughing now,

but I was sobbing.

I called Rosie O'’Donnell,

the preeminent expert at
being trolled by Donald Trump.

12 years he'’s been
trying to take her down,

12 years.

So I call Rosie and
I'’m crying and I go,

"My own mother
thinks I'’m in ISIS

but she calls it
Al Kay-da, anyway,

she thinks I'’m in ISIS."

And Rosie goes like this,
"Are you kidding me?

That'’s hilarious, tape it."

That'’s a friend, goddammit.

OK, I had taken
some other photos,

and one of them was a spoof
of my former neighbor,

Kim Kardashian.

And I'’ll tell you,
I'’m gonna be honest,

it was actually kind of
exciting living next to them.

So don'’t get all
high and mighty on me

and act like you don'’t
wanna know what it'’s like

to go to their
house, '’cause you do.

You do, admit it!

Beg me!

I am so committed,
I moved in next to my act.

Show some goddamn respect.

So, and by the way,
don'’t turn on me,

but after the Trumpers
wanting to assassinate me

for a year and a half,
I'’m totally pro-Kardashian.

Don'’t turn on me!

Hear me out.

OK, so when the Trumpers
let you know on a daily basis

that their assassination
method of choice is,

we wanna shoot you in the
cunt, cut your head off,

stuff your decapitated
head up your cunt,

and shoot it again.

All right, so.

After a year
and a half of that,

if the Kardashians are merely
stupid and materialistic,

where do I sign?

I'’ll take it, I'’ll take
it, sounds good to me.

As long as you'’re not trying
to actively assassinate me,

we'’re BFFs.

We are good, we are
cool, I'’ll take it.

And also,
after the Trump photo,

when I was really
hunkered down in my house,

I will say, I could
just look out the window

and see some
crazy amusing shit.

So anyway, I actually legit
didn'’t want Kim to think I was
gonna like

single white female
stalk them or anything,

so, I steer in the
driveway one day

and I said, "OK, well I'’ve
kinda got the house together,

do you feel like
coming over for a tour?"

And she goes, "Literally?"

I go, "No, figuratively."

Sorry, least of my worries.

Least of my worries.

So anyway, she'’s wearing this
big puffy camouflage jacket,

which is funny, like hiding
the moneymaker, right?

And no pants.

I'’m sure she had bike
shorts on or something,

and the heels were
this high, right?

And I said, "Do you
wanna come over?"

And she was like,

"OK, I can like,
literally be there in like,

literally 30 minutes.

I literally have to go
to the grocery store."

And by the way, I gotta
say, I love that about them.

Like they just go to
the grocery store,

like there were no cameras.

I'’m like you'’re gonna be
really a little overdressed

for the Safeway.

OK, I'’m gonna be honest,

they could not have
been better neighbors.

They were super quiet, super
respectful, they were a breeze.

And, what'’s good for me is that
for years, they'’ve hated me,

'’cause I'’m like the
red-haired bitch

who calls them dirty
whores and stuff

'’cause I'’m a patriot.

And first of all, I'’m
friends with the mom.

I'’m friends with Kris
Jenner because I have to be.

I'’m scared of her.

I will say this before I
totally tear them to shreds,

I will say that
truly by coincidence,

the day the photo went live,

I'’d already had like
a pre-planned dinner

at my house with of
all people Kris Jenner

and Academy Award-nominated
Melanie Griffith,

from Working Girl,
you know Melanie.

And as much as I like
to make fun of them,

I have to say, they
couldn'’t have been nicer,

and by the time
dinnertime came around,

already my life was like
ruined and I was in PJs

and sobbing all day,

and I'’ll tell you about
all the crazy conversations

I had that day,

and so Kris Jenner was the
perfect person to talk to.

I'’m not kidding, here'’s why,

I had made that
horrible apology video,

and we'’ll get there
in a minute,

but it'’s a fuckin'’ shit fest.

So by the time they got
there, I was crying again.

I was like, "And
then I apologized

and now all of my comedian
friends are mad at me

but people think
I'’m in ISIS so I,"

yeah, so there was,
unhinged, unhinged.

So I'’m a wreck,
Kris Jenner is here,

Melanie Griffith is
here, and I'’m saying,

"I shouldn'’t have made
the apology video,"

and she'’s cold as ice.

And she'’s like this,

"No, it'’s good you apologized.

We do it all the time."

"One of the girls steals
a trademark and then

when they get caught,
they just apologize."

All right, so I thought
that was kind of genius.

So then, Melanie Griffith, who
couldn'’t be more different,

she'’s more sort of
Bohemian and stuff,

so Melanie goes, "I loved it,

tomorrow you should
do Pence'’s head."

All right that, no.

It was kinda funny.

I won'’t, I'’m not gonna do it.

All right, so, prior
to the famous picture,

Tyler Shields and I had
taken some really silly ones.

In one of them, of course, I
had to spoof my neighbor Kim.

Now, our yards were so close

that there was
actually a shared wall,

so it was like almost
the same yard, right?

So one night, you
can look this up,

I'’m sure it'’s a very
famous photographer,

she was doing a photoshoot
in the backyard,

and she was up a tree like
a squirrel, like this.

Totally naked, with the long,

flowing extensions
and everything,

totally naked and glowy,

wearing nothing but '’80s
black Doc Marten boots.

OK, you know, you'’re
so fuckin'’ jaded.

Don'’t act like you
wouldn'’t fuckin'’ kill

to walk out in your yard
and be like, is that?

Is Kim Kardashian a
naked squirrel next door?

So, I go out there, and I go,

honey your nipples are hard,

you'’re gonna poke
an eye out, come on.

Come on down honey,
let'’s go honey,

you'’re gonna hurt yourself.

Put on a sarong,
start somewhere.

And she laughed, and
that'’s why I like her.

So let me go back to the day.

So when the photo happened,

I was in the middle
of a 50-city tour.

And I was about 25 cities in,
and then the photo came out,

and then within 12 hours, I
had the entire tour canceled

and not one day of
paid work ahead of me

for the rest of my life.

So we'’ll get to that
fun part in a minute,

but, the year before that,

I did an 80-city Like A Boss
tour all around America,

so don'’t talk to me about
the real America FOX News,

I have really,
really been there.

And I stumbled across something
that I brought for you,

and you'’re being such an
amazing audience already,

this is your first treat.

Enjoy.

Now, this is from something
I'’ve never heard of,

and you can make fun of me,

called Craigslist Personals
Missed Connections?

All right, you know
what you all look like?

A bunch of guilty whores.

A bunch of guilty,
dirty, whores.

Look at you, I know
that gay guilt.

I can hear it,
that uncomfortable

I think I'’ve heard of it!

All right so, the
subject line was,

You Fingered Me
at Kathy Griffin.

"We were sitting next to
each other at Kathy Griffin.

You were drunk and flirty,
and before I knew it,

you slid your hands
down the back of my pants

and fingered my butt.

You are very cute, I'’d
like to get to know you."

For the gays.

I'’ve been sayin'’ it,
ladies, for decades,

the gay boys eliminate
the middle man,

they go right to the
Missed Connection.

Now look,

by the way, and you
may wanna take a moment

to look around at your neighbor

and see if anyone'’s having
a missed connection,

at this moment,

love is love, love is love!

I also like that the
guy who wrote that

said at the end, I'’d like
to get to know you better.

So, you know, I'’ve been in
the community, as they say,

as an ally for so long,

I'’m assuming that means that
they'’re gonna be praying

to Saint Fistopher
later, like a barstool.

Yeah.

Now, I'’m going to tell
you about the day.

You ready?

OK, so, first of
all like I said,

I'’m gonna be very
honest, I'’m 58 years old,

and being a 58-year-old female

in the business,
in standup comedy,

they'’ve been trying to
put me out to pasture

since I was about 40,
and I will not moo!

I just wanna make you laugh,

I don'’t care if it'’s a
commercial or a series

or a special or a tour,
I just wanna make you laugh.

So, like I said, I need
to tell you the story,

because the government
shouldn'’t be able

to take your ability
to make a living away.

And I'’ll tell you
all the crazy shit

that I learned along the way,

like the fuckin'’
TMZ connection.

Holy fuckballs, wait
till that shit goes down.

Yes, you came to
the right bitch!

If I had a store, that'’s
what I would call it.

So what happened was, Andy
Cohen, yeah fuck him.

He'’s a turncoat.

And also, well I'’m sorry,
if he has a skillset

I'’d love to hear what it is.

Nobody?

I love how this
industry crowd is like,

my god, you are
never gonna work.

I know!

One of the things I want you
to take away from tonight

is I'’m Kathy Griffin, and
I never learned my lesson!

Yeah, I'’m fuckin'’
naming names,

I don'’t give a shit anymore.

OK so anyway, let me get
back to the infamous day,

because believe it or
not, what started it

was a fuckin'’ tweet from
Eddie Munster of all people.

Like yes, that'’s how I
knew I was the test case.

So get this shit.

So like I said, we had
taken a bunch of really,

obviously silly,

funny photos that never
saw the time of day,

because the infamous mask
ketchup photo was of course

the last picture of the
day and it took 20 minutes.

Now, when the picture
went live,

I certainly didn'’t think
he would send it to TMZ.

Like, I'’m so foolish
I thought that

he would send it to
like Der Spiegel, right?

Or Paper or Charlie
Hebdo or some shit?

Now, the reason it was
bad that it went to TMZ

is it turns out that gay
republican and full-on

Trump-supporting
MAGAt Harvey Levin,

yes, a gay man who'’s a MAGAt!

Not just a republican, a full
MAGA-wearing, Trump-loving,

so when I announced that on
what'’s called the YouTube,

then the right wing
said I was unhinged.

And then I was so happy
when the Daily Beast

finally did an article
where Harvey Levin said,

"Yeah, I talk to Trump
multiple times a week.

"I consider myself to be
his personal publicist."

Exactly, now we all enjoy TMZ
as a guilty pleasure blog.

But I am suggesting to you
that if you keep looking at it

you'’ll see it'’s very
misogynistic and very racist.

And, Harvey has like
all the dirt on people,

and he'’s got a vault, and
everybody'’s scared of him.

Well open the fuckin'’
vault motherfucker,

I don'’t give a shit.

Because what happened was,
the photo went on TMZ first.

Now you know people in LA think
that shit is the newspaper.

You know it to be true,

you know there are
people who are like,

"I heard on the news--"

No, it'’s a blog for God'’s sake!

By the way talking to the
President multiple
times a week?

Can you imagine Barack
Obama calling Perez Hilton

for policy advice?

All right so prior to the mask
photo, we had taken pictures

like me spoofing Kim

and pictures that I
honestly just thought,

if they show up in a magazine

and make you laugh
it'’s worth it.

If I put them on social media
and you laugh it'’s worth it.

So that'’s it, there
was no deep meaning.

Now, when we get to the
actual infamous photo,

then I admit, the
inspiration was

when Trump famously said
after one of the debates

about Megyn Kelly, "There was
blood coming out of her eyes,

"blood coming out
of her wherever."

And even though I don'’t
mean to defend her,

because she wouldn'’t piss
on me if I were on fire,

I still thought, we'’ll
lets do a picture

where there'’s blood
coming out of his wherever

and see if he likes it.

He didn'’t, he didn'’t like it
one bit, did not care for it.

Now, here'’s why I
feel fuckin'’ stupid,

one of the many reasons is,

because I hate the
celebrities that go

"I wouldn'’t change a thing."

Right, I fucking hate that.

When people ask me that,
do you have any regrets?

Yes!

Yes, are you kidding?

Too many to count!

And they'’re always like!

They take their pen
out like!

No one says that.

And I go, my biggest regret?

Not fuckin'’ Ray Jay on tape.

That one alone.

Months later, Hillary Clinton
puts it in her audio book

about my photo scandal.

And she says something like,

I can'’t believe all of
the fallout from the photo

Kathy Griffin took.

She was clearly doing a
sendup of Perseus and Medusa.

Which I was.

I didn'’t go to
college, all right?

I started doing
commercials at 17.

So I was like Perseus
and Medea,

like is it a Tyler Perry thing?

All I'’m saying in is that,

if you hear me say
in an interview

that it was inspired
by Perseus and Medusa,

just fuckin'’ back me
up, just back me up.

Just be like my god,
she'’s a rogue scholar!

So no, it wasn'’t based
on anything but me,

just trying to put ketchup
on a mask and shame him,

and honestly, in my
world, you guys know.

I'’ve been doing
this shit for years.

And I really thought, this
photo will have a shelf life

on like two gay
blogs for two days.

That is the max, like I
really, truly had no idea

that they already had the
apparatus, which we'’d all seen,

but it had been used primarily
on his political opponents,

Little Marco, Lyin
Ted, that shit'’s true,

but I didn'’t know that the
minute that photo went to TMZ,

the Trump wood chipper
was up and running.

And the idea that the
objections would come

from the White House,

I mean my story, like
it or not, is historic,

and never in the history
of this great country

has a sitting United
States President

used the power of
the Oval Office,

the so-called First Family,
the Department of Justice,

and the Right-Wing
media to try to decimate

an American citizen, much
less an American comedian.

So, anyway, just want you to
know, it really can happen,

everybody vigilant,
let'’s be vigilant!

All right so um

So what happened was
the photo goes on TMZ

and I swear to god,
I go back to bed.

I go back to bed, I
thought nothing of it.

The photographer had
called me and he goes,

"All right, the photo'’s online
and it'’s goin everywhere.

It'’s spreading like wildfire."

And I was like "Great!"

And I go back to bed,
not even kidding.

So what wakes me up, a
call from Rosie O'’Donnell.

And she calls and she goes
"Griffin, it'’s O'’Donnell."

And, I was kinda tired
and I go, "What'’s up Ro?"

and she goes, "Griffin,
everybody thinks you'’re
in ISIS.

I go "You'’re right," I hang up.

I swear to god!

'’Cause you know comics, that'’s
how we talk to each other.

And I thought that was
kind of a funny joke.

Ring, "Griffin,
it'’s O'’Donnell."

Jesus, what?

So, she'’s like "Seriously,

people honestly
think you'’re in ISIS."

So I put on CNN,

and here'’s what I learned
from this experience,

it turns out, there is such
a thing as bad publicity.

So, people ask me all the time,

why did you make
the apology video?

And I'’ll tell you why.

I'’ve performed in
Iraq and Afghanistan,

I'’ve performed in
Kuwait and Uzbekistan,

I'’ve performed in the battle
zone under mortar fire.

What if Daniel Pearl'’s
mother saw the photo?

Honestly, that'’s why I made
the apology video, that'’s it.

And when I say it
was a narrow apology,

I mean it was like
practically just for her.

'’Cause what I'’ve found out
now, in talking to people

over the past year and a half,

is so many of the folks that
were so offended by the photo

and thought I was
inciting violence

and siding with ISIS
and all this stuff,

I would ask them, and I'’d
get a little more bold

as the year and a half went on,

and I would say,
"Are you military?

"Has it triggered
you in this way?"

And 99% of them were dudes

that had never been
in the military go,

"No, but I'’ve watched those
on YouTube and they'’re gross."

OK, if that'’s your
idea of a good time,

go fuck yourself, apology
rescinded, apology rescinded.

If you'’re watching real
decapitation videos on YouTube,

then my picture'’s
quite harmless

and you should know
better you psycho.

So, it goes on TMZ,
and then, like I said,

it took off, so I put
on the news and it'’s

bum bum bum, breaking news.

Yes, no call or
anything, but the famous

"CNN is letting go of
comedian Kathy Griffin

for the New Years
Eve broadcast."

Can I tell you
the one that hurt?

Bum bum bum, ticker,

"Kathy Griffin dropped as
the international spokeswoman

for Squatty Potty."

That'’s right.

That one hurt, all right?

First of all,

I was damn proud to be the face
of Squatty Potty goddammit.

That'’s right, and the
commercial was called

"Kathy Griffin is
the Queen of Poop."

And I wore that crown
proudly, goddammit.

Every day, it may
have been invisible

but I was the Queen of Poop
and that meant something.

So bum bum bum, so that
somehow was breaking news,

but like I said, the
walls were just caving in,

and then, the tweet
heart around the world,

the dad, the accidental
president Donald Trump,

I brought it!

So here was the one,
because New York Magazine

wrote a pretty favorable
article about me

a few months ago and it
kinda started the turnaround,

and the writer had a
great line in there

saying that for the
first time in history,

a President'’s Twitter feed

is the most powerful
programming tool in television.

'’Cause every time he tweets
something crazy enough,

bum bum bum, breaking news.

All right, so by the way,

can you even imagine
Obama, or even W,

ever commenting
on a comic, ever?

All right, here we go.

So this is from the
accidental President.

"Kathy Griffin should
be ashamed of herself.

My children, especially
my 11-year-old son Barron,

are having a time with this.

"Sick!"

OK, I'’m gonna suggest
Barron has seen worse

on a fuckin'’ Wednesday, OK?

Really?

Like, the Access Hollywood
tape alone

I think was a little
bigger than a fuckin'’ mask

but OK, it'’s about
the children, right?

That one.

He'’s paying off porn stars,
he'’s admitting to affairs.

So once again,
once that happens,

then the tour cancellations
started coming in.

So I got a call from
my then stand-up agent

and he said, "OK well,

one theater got a
bunch of death threats

and are canceling the show."

And I said, "All right, I'’ve
been through this before,

I can weather the storm."

And then, somehow, TMZ
was reporting every one

of my tour cancellations
in real time,

like the same time I
was hearing about them.

So I know it sounds crazy,

to think that they
were coordinating

but I'’m pretty sure
they fucking were

and that'’s where we are and
I know how nuts that is.

So then, fuckin
Melanie chimes in.

Get this shit, same day.

So Melanie writes,
"As a mother,
wife, and a human being,"

You guys are we
so Handmaids Tale

that even the
First Lady is like,

I better assert on Twitter
that I'’m a human being,

just to see if I still am.

"That photo makes you wonder
about the mental health

of the person who did it."

Well, back atcha bitch.

I really do care.

All right, so I'’m
gonna be honest,

some people were nice

and some people
were really tough.

Like I said, I
believe honesty is key

and it was hard to
see how many people

went out of their way
to twist the knife,

and look, I loved Al
Franken as a senator,

I had many fundraisers
for him in my home,

and he called me that
day and he just said,

"Kathy, what were
you thinking?"

And I was gonna host two
book events for him for free.

And he goes, "I can'’t be
associated with you now."

I started crying so bad

I just couldn'’t even
finish the call,

so I loved him as a senator,
but I'’m just being honest,

it was fuckin'’ rough.

And then I had other
celebrities telling me,

Sharon Stone goes,

"You have to leave the
country for eight years,"

and I go "You first."

I got just a lot of
really crazy advice

at a time where I
already felt super crazy.

And then my mother
is telling me,

now you can finally
be a dental hygienist,

which is her real dream.

Then, the other tweet
heard around my world,

the Anderson Cooper tweet.

Now we'’re gonna go there,

'’cause I know it'’s
what you showed up for

and I'’m gonna give you the tea.

I'’m opening the pot, I'’m
gonna spill some right now.

All right, so here'’s the deal,

I don'’t have a punch
line for this one.

It just hurt, and
it just sucked,

and that'’s all there is to it.

But everyone
knows that feeling,

whether you'’re at
the office party

or the relative Christmas
party, or whatever,

where if you'’re kinda
getting dogpiled,

you always know that one person

is gonna have your
back no matter what.

Well, I was wrong, and
by the way like I said,

everybody already
came for me that day

and I already lost everything
and am fired from everything,

and all this stuff, so
I just want you to know

I really don'’t think Anderson
had to write the tweet,

but I did bring it.

All right, so here we go.

"For the record I am
appalled by the photo shoot

Kathy Griffin took part in.

It is clearly disgusting."

OK, so, you know, I had
to just take that one in.

No call, but I
thought, all right,

this is just
that kind of a day.

And like I said, I was getting
all kinds of crazy calls.

So, sure enough the Anderson
Cooper tweet was hurtful.

Now, when I tell you that
the death threats started

the day of the photo,
they started online,

and unfortunately once
again, everybody here

knows what that'’s like.

Everybody knows what a
cesspool social media can be.

But, I actually got,

today wasn'’t my first
call from the FBI,

we'’re old friends!

So that day they actually
called and they said

Ms. Griffin, you'’re
actually under several,

what we deem to be
called credible threats.

The online threats
they would look at,

but the very next day I
started getting old-timey,

old-fashioned mail
threats with stamps.

'’Cause old people love Trump

and they fuckin'’
love stamps too.

Hand-in-hand.

So then the FBI had to
teach us how to separate

the ones that are
definitely credible threats,

so we have to put
them in a Ziploc bag

and then they take them.

And then there'’s another pile
where we like discuss it,

and they tell us which
ones are credible,

and then there'’s
another pile, frankly,

that'’s just for my act.

You gotta laugh at this
point, you gotta laugh.

So the day after
the photo was live,

I then received truly
a stack of mail,

like in an old-time
sitcom or something.

Yes, yes.

Lots of ways to
shoot me in the cunt.

And 98% of them were,

let'’s just say, negative.

There were a handful
of nice ones,

and I'’m gonna be honest since
I'’m doing a lot of whining,

but there were some that
were really touching

and I spent a lot of time
the first couple of months

just returning them
and saying thank you.

So I got this one
on the outside,

and normally I would have
opened it, but I just knew,

and on the outside of it, it
said, "From Bobby from
Sarasota."

Now, as you know,
I'’ve been an A

in the LGBTQIA2345
community for many years,

so somehow I knew.

I knew that this was
gay Bobby from Sarasota.

I knew that Bobby knew
he needed no last name.

He was Bobby from Sarasota.

Everybody in Sarasota knows
Bobby, you fuckin'’ kidding me?

You can call the mayor
of Sarasota right now

and say where'’s gay Bobby
they'’ll say at the diner.

They all know him!

They all know him.

So, the day after the
photo, I get a letter

from Bobby from Sarasota,

and it couldn'’t
have been nicer.

It was very supportive
and very sweet.

And then, I noticed
there was a second letter

in the envelope that was
a totally separate letter

to Anderson Cooper.

So I remember thinking
shit, Bobby, you fucked up,

you accidentally put the
Anderson letter in here.

Then at the bottom of the
letter he wrote to me,

he wrote, "And Ms.
Griffin, I am including

the letter I'’ve already
sent Anderson Cooper

for your perusal."

So, first of all,
let me just say

that there are a lot
of words in this letter

that are wrong
and inappropriate.

And I also may have laughed
out loud three times.

Here we go,
Bobby from Sarasota.

And also, let me
just guarantee you,

Anderson Vanderbilt has never
gotten a letter like this

in his life.

"Anderson, from one
homo to another,

you'’re a fickle faggot."

Bobby'’s pissed, pissed!

"Really, not supporting
and backing Kathy Griffin

after she had your
back for years?

Even didn'’t talk about your
cock sucking in her comedy

back when you were
a closeted queen?"

All right, and this is
what I love about the gays.

He ends it in textbook style.

"Homo 101: you always
back your fag hag."

And I will be your hag as
long as you will have me!

It is my honor to be your hag.

I know, I love gay Bobby.

When I played Sarasota,
I invited him.

He was just like you
would think, he was like,

"Bitch, you got a raw deal!"

I was like, "Bobby!"

The other thing
I have to tell you

is I would say, no joke, about
a third of the death threats

that came in the
old-timey mail to my house

had actual return addresses.

The Trumpers are
not like academics.

He loves the uneducated.

So when I would hand one
of those to an FBI agent,

it was the funniest thing.

'’Cause you hand
someone a death threat

with an actual return address,

and he'’s just like this!

"Well I will have an
answer in three minutes."

Really streamlines the
process, I have to say.

It was obviously
a very crazy day,

but I have to be honest, I
got two calls personally,

one was Jamie Foxx,
and I say that

'’cause I really
don'’t even know him,

so it really meant a lot
that he like tracked me down.

And the other one
was from someone else

that I don'’t really
know that well,

but Jim Carrey tracked me down.

And, here'’s the thing, I
don'’t know him very well,

I'’ve met him a few
times over the years,

but I actually think
he'’s really accomplished

kind of everything you
possibly could want in comedy.

He'’s an amazing standup,
amazing sketch artist,

In Living Color, Ace Ventura
franchise, serious actor,

impressionist,
all these things.

So he calls me up and
believe it or not, normally,

obviously I would be
a fan girl and be like

my god Jim Carrey'’s
calling, what'’s going on?

And be trying to make
him laugh or whatever.

But when you'’re in a
situation this dire,

you just cut to the chase.

So I hear Jim
Carrey'’s on the phone,

so I was already sobbing,
and I said, "Jim,

"I'’m 58 years old,
I'’m a big girl,

"I'’ve been in this
business for 40 years,

"but I need someone to really,
really be honest with me

"and I need someone like
you to just be honest

"and just tell me,
is it over for me?"

If I know it'’s over, I can kind
of try to rejigger my brain

and think about what
my future would be,

but I needed to hear it
from someone like that.

And I said, "I can take it.

I just need to hear,
just go for it."

And he goes, "Kathy, today,

you'’re the most famous
comedian in the world."

And I go "For all
the wrong reasons!"

Did I just turn into
Mary Tyler Moore

from The Dick Van Dyke Show?

No!

So, he couldn'’t have been
nicer, and he said, "Look...

You got the worst president
in the history of this country,

who'’s basically put his thumb
on the shoulder of your life

and is trying to ruin you."

He goes, "I think
honestly, any comedian

would give their right arm
to have this happen to them.

'’Cause at the end of this..."

And this phrase just always
stuck with me, he goes,

"You'’re gonna take as
long of time as you need

to process it, and
then you'’re gonna put it

through your Kathy
Griffin comedy prism

and you'’re gonna make the
story funny and relatable

and you'’re gonna go tell it."

So, thank you Jim Carrey!

It was bad.

So, what actually
happened the next day

was I got a call from my
entertainment attorney

and then later my First
Amendment attorney

who'’s named Alan Isaacman,

and he won the landmark
Supreme Court case,

Jerry Falwell vs.
Hustler Magazine.

Because when you'’re
in this much trouble,

you want the guy that
got Larry Flint off

in front of the Supreme Court.

OK, that'’s what you want.

So anyway, he says, "Hey kid,
I gotta tell you something."

And whenever he starts
with something like that,

it'’s not good.

And I was like, God now what?

I had already lost
my living, my future,

all this other
stuff, and he goes,

"I just got a call from
the Department of Justice

and they'’re putting
you under what'’s called

an open-ended investigation."

And I just started shaking.

You know, I'’ve never been
arrested or anything,

I don'’t know anything
about this world,

and I said,
"Did I do something wrong?"

And he said, "No."

I said, "Did I break the law?"

He said, "No."

And I said, "Did I violate the
First Amendment in any way?"

And he goes, "No."

So, I said, "OK,
what does this mean?"

He goes, "Well right
now, they put you

on the no fly list."

So I want to tell you guys that

'’cause a lot of people
don'’t know that.

I was on the no fly
list for two months

like a fucking terrorist.

So then, I said OK, I
guess I'’m not going anywhere,

but what else can they do?

And he said, "Look,
I'’ve been dealing with,"

'’Cause a lot of people don'’t
know I was investigated

by two federal agencies, the
Secret Service and the AUSA,

the Assistant US
Attorney'’s Office.

So they have that
prosecutor ready

to file charges if
they found anything.

And I said, "Well what should
I do or what can I expect?"

And he said, "Well, look.

They can do something
called a no-knock raid."

Well, because of Michael
Cohen and Paul Manafort

we all know what that is now!

Months later I was
bragging to my girlfriends.

It'’s a
no-knock raid, yeah.

So it means they don'’t even
have to knock, yeah, no knock.

And they come like around
five in the morning,

'’cause that'’s when
everyone'’s sleeping.

Yes, I had to
learn all this.

I'’m very versed in all this.

I had to learn who all the
Nazis are that come after me,

what their names are,
what their gripe is,

all the far-right groups,
all the conspiracy theories.

This is my world now.

This is my fuckin'’ timeline.

Anyway, he says they'’re opening
an open-ended investigation

and after the
no-knock raid I said,

"Well is there anything else
that I should be prepared for?"

And he said, "Look,
they have the right,

if they want to,
to tap your phone."

And now I can laugh about it,

but it'’s a weird feeling,

but the reason I
laugh now is I think,

if they were tapping my phones,

which I actually
don'’t think they were,

they would be just
hearing me talking

to one of my gay friends

about last night'’s
Ru Paul'’s Drag Race.

Like that would be,

Miss Vanjie,

Miss Vanjie,

Miss Vanjie!

And I'’m picturing like
the old fashioned FBI guy,

outside in the van like,
with the Beats by Dre like,

"Who'’s this Vanjie,
is she ISIS?"

"Is she a very high-ranking
member of ISIS?

Track down Miss Vanjie!"

Good luck!

She'’ll fucking cut a bitch.

So, anyway, I said, "Well, when
you say open investigation,

what does that mean?"

And he said, "It means
they can keep it open

as long as they want."

And I said, "OK well,
then what happens?"

And he said, "Well
they investigate you

as long as they
feel is appropriate,

and then they
decide whether or not

to charge you with a crime."

And I said, "OK, well I
thought I didn'’t break
the law."

And he said, "They'’re
considering charging you

with conspiracy to assassinate

the President of
the United States."

Which holds
a lifetime sentence.

You didn'’t know
that part did ya?

All right so, we'’re gonna
go back there in a minute,

because I can tell
you'’re horrified.

By the way last week, I
was walking down the street

in San Francisco and
four middle-aged people

stopped me and
started screaming,

"You'’re in ISIS,
you'’re a terrorist,

you don'’t deserve
to live here."

I know, and what'’s weird
is they were like my age.

And the dude was a Parrot
Head, you know what that is?

It'’s like a Jimmy
Buffet super-fan?

So, they'’re screaming at
me that I'’m a terrorist,

and I gotta admit,
I was fascinated

by his fuckin'’ shirt
with parrots on it,

and he fuckin'’ loves
Margaritaville, this guy.

I know it'’s an odd reaction
when someone'’s screaming

"Go back to Raqqa, you'’re
in ISIS and a terrorist,"

but I said,
"Is that a Parrot Head?"

That'’s my new life,
my new normal!

All right, so, when I was
able to actually travel

and leave the country,
I called my then-agent

and I said,

"I know this is a very
unique way to route a tour,

but is there any
way we could actually

consciously look for countries

where we know they hate Trump?"

Two weeks later, I had 15
countries and 23 cities.

That'’s right, another
part of the story is that,

once I got off the no fly list,

I was on what'’s called
the INTERPOL list.

So I was detained in
every single airport.

Which sort of sounds
fun, or like no big deal,

but it'’s fucking scary.

And what I'’m here to tell you,

because there actually is
a lot of misinformation

going out around this.

They actually can take
your phone and SIM card

and your passport.

So don'’t believe like,
that'’s against the law,

that'’s unethical.
They can.

So what happened when I
was on the INTERPOL list

was every single
airport from LAX

to London Heathrow to,
you know, everywhere.

You know,
you'’re kind of at the mercy

of like the three people
working at the airport, right?

So I was most
scared in Singapore,

because it'’s illegal there
to chew gum and spit, so...

You know, me with my
fuckin'’ pussy jokes.

I'’m already pushing it.

And, I know a lot of
the audience members

are gonna be gay, and it'’s
illegal to be gay there.

So, I don'’t wanna be detained

while they'’re sweating in
their knockoff Pucci scarves.

'’Cause that'’s, that'’s not love.

So every time I would get
detained it would go like this.

I go, and the first
person scans my passport

and you see them go like this.

Yeah, yeah.

So then, I would put on
my I'’m not in ISIS face.

Never worked once, turns out.

Then they would call
their supervisor.

The supervisor would scan
my passport then they'’d go...

Yeah, to this day, I don'’t
know what the fuck is on that
passport.

And then, they send
me into a room alone,

and they take my
phone and my passport

and they just go away for an
indeterminate amount of time.

So that can happen.
Just want you to know that.

All right. Now, out of all the
times I was detained,

only one time was there another
person in there with me.

Look, once a comedian
always a comedian.

I couldn'’t resist.

I just turned and I said,
"What are you in for?"

And by the way, that guy
is way smarter than I,

'’cause he didn'’t even
fucking look at me.

He was like, the crazy
redhead from the picture?

I don'’t think so.

No, no, no.

And then eventually I
would get my stuff back

and thank god I didn'’t
have to miss any shows.

The other thing I
have to tell you is,

I love Stevie Nicks, and
I'’m here to tell you,

she is the real deal.

Like she'’s the most Stevie
Nicks-y person you'’ve ever met.

Yeah, and she really lives it.

Like she'’s always in the
multi-layers of paisley layers

and fuckin'’ witch boots.

So I know you would
think a friendship

with me and Stevie
Nicks is unlikely,

'’cause she'’s, you know,
like Stevie Nicks,

and I'’m like D-list
and everything,

but I love a legend who lets
me give them a little shit.

So one time I was at
her place and I go,

"Honey just give me a twirl."

And I swear to god, she goes,

That'’s my kind of diva.

All right, so sure enough,
as a very nice surprise,

when I was doing my
shows in Australia,

I had a show in Sydney

at a little venue called the
Sydney Opera House,
I'’ll wait...

It was really sweet,

Stevie'’s tour manager secretly
arranged as a surprise

for the two of us to get
together and spend
a little time

at her soundcheck,
because she, of course,

was at the
20,000-person stadium,

and we had shows the same night

so we couldn'’t go
see each other.

So it was just great,
and so I get into her car

and she was actually
quite emotional

because her good friend Tom
Petty had just passed away,

and she was talking
about how the soundcheck

was gonna be the
first time she sang

Stop Dragging My Heart Around

with Chrissie Hynde
from the Pretenders

since Tom had passed away.

So, she talked about
that for a while,

so that'’s what we
were going to watch,

like pretty much the
soundcheck of that song.

And then, she totally turns
her focus and she goes,

"I'’ve been reading about you
and I'’m worried about you."

And she'’s very matter-of-fact
even though she'’s like,

at least a Wiccan.

I can'’t prove it, but,

I'’m pretty sure there'’s a
cauldron somewhere nearby.

And there'’s a lot of fuckin'’
sage, there'’s a lot of sage.

And so, she goes,

"I hear that you'’re getting
detained at airports,

and I want you to know,

if anything happens to you
in any city in this country,

you call our team,

and there is nothing we
can'’t get you out of."

You guys, I think Stevie
Nicks was in Seal Team Six.

I do, I think she was like
really Seal Team Seven

but she'’s like,
don'’t say anything.

All right so, sure enough,
we get to go backstage.

Now I am incredibly
honored to be here.

But I'’m not a stadium
artist, I never was.

So, get this shit,
these stadium artists,

what they do is they
turn their dressing rooms

into replicas of
their apartments!

So get this, so we walk in,

and Randy was afraid to
even walk in the room,

because the wave of
estrogen coming out,

he thought his dick
might fall off.

And the other thing I
like about these legends

is they get to an age

where they really don'’t
give a fuck anymore,

and it'’s heaven.

Like Chrissie Hynde,
we went to the soundcheck,

and Chrissie Hynde'’s hair is
like Tina Turner from Mad Max.

Yes!

And the older legends
are angry all the time.

It'’s heaven.

Now, I am a complete
star fucker,

I love celebrities, I'’m
obsessed with celebrities.

So if I know I'’m gonna meet
a celebrity I haven'’t met,

I'’ll do like some
homework, right?

So I had read that
day, I thought,

well if I get a chance to
talk to Chrissie Hynde,

I knew she was
from Akron, Ohio,

and I read that she
opened a vegan restaurant.

So I thought all right, I'’ll
have like shit to talk about.

So I'’m watching the
two of them talk shop,

and once again I'’m
just a little gay boy

and I'’m in heaven watching
them like, "This is great!"

And just to set the stage,

Stevie'’s dressing room
is so Stevie Nicks-y.

The scented candles were almost
battling with one another.

You walk in and there'’s
vanilla bean over here,

lavender,

musk,

there'’s one that'’s just pussy.

And then there'’s a little
lull in the conversation.

And I then say to Chrissie
Hynde, who I'’ve never met,

I said, "Chrissie,
I'’m a comedian,

I'’ve played Ohio many times

and I understand
you'’re from Akron.

Do you ever go back to Ohio?"

And Chrissie goes, "Fuck Ohio!"

You guys, I peed a
little, like a little.

Not even...

OK, "I read that you'’ve
opened a vegan restaurant

which I think is very healthy
and progressive of you."

She goes, "It closed!"

You guys, the slightest
amount of diarrhea.

Not even that much.

So then, Stevie Nicks has
to come in and mediate!

And she goes, "Chrissie, this
is a friend, Kathy Griffin,

she is an outrageous comedian.

She says whatever
goes into her head

and it comes out of her mouth

and she seems to not be
able to stop herself."

She goes, "In fact,
this very story

will probably be in her act."

And then Stevie
continued and she goes,

"But we have to support her.

Because she'’s in trouble
with the government

because she took a picture
of Donald Trump'’s head

that we all wanted to take
except she really took it."

All right, so then, Chrissie
Hynde goes like this,

"That was you?

That'’s punk rock!"

High five, high
five, best friends.

Best friends for life,
high five, best friends.

OK this is, just, I know
half the people in the room

like know him and like
him, but I can'’t resist.

You guys, I got a
consolation note

on really beautiful embossed
stationary from Billy Bush!

By the way, I hope
you guys know this.

You know when he got
canned from The Today Show,

they gave him a nine million
dollar severance package!

Nine million dollars!

Now, I like to brag,

I'’ve been fired more
than I'’ve been hired.

I'’ve never gotten a $9
severance package, Jesus!

Where do I sign?

All right, so anyway,
he sends me this note.

"Dear Kathy, I have real
solid counsel for you

if you want it.

Call me any time."

Doesn'’t leave a phone number.

On brand, on brand.

Then he writes, "Don'’t
speak for a while."

OK, the last thing I
need is another rich,

middle-aged white guy telling
me don'’t speak for a while.

Unless your name
is Gwen Stefani

and you have the
original No Doubt,

do not be saying
"Don'’t speak" to me.

Only Gwen Stefani can
say "Don'’t speak."

And then he goes,
"Do you meditate?

Start."

And I swear to god I
wanted to write back,

"No, maybe if I had a nine
million dollar yoga mat,

I would, Billy!"

And then he signs it, I swear
to god he signs it with,

"You are human,"

You guys what the
fuck is goin'’ on?

Is Billy Bush gonna run
out here and stitch my eye

like the Handmaids Tale?

What the fuck is going on?

All right, I'’ve got you
a little loosened up.

I brought a death
threat for you.

It said, "From an admirer you
may know, for your eyes only."

I know, I like Sheena Easton
as much as the next guy.

For your eyes only?

I hope her sugar walls
catch the morning train.

And I open it and it says
"From an older white male."

What a shock, that is, really?

"Go to hell Kathy!"

And then, this is what
I want you to know

about the Trumpers, like
how random they are,

"You are no different
than Bill Cosby!"

I can think of one way, but.

"You were my favorite
female comedian.

I was there at your show
last January in San Diego."

All right, I'’m such an
asshole that I'’m like,

you know what, this a
fan just having a moment.

You know, he'’s a
ticket-buying fan,

if he came to see
me in San Diego!

He'’s just venting a little.

"I died laughing, now I
hope you die, you cunt."

Shit, it'’s close.

And then, like I said,

because you'’ve gotta
laugh at everything,

this one gets me every time.

"You'’re a piece of shite!"

Is anyone here even slightly
Irish or Scottish or anything?

I'’m quite sure that this is
from one of my aunts
in Chicago.

I'’m not sure.

Kathleen you'’re full of shite.

You dunno shite from Shinola.

Typical ta let shite
come out of yer mouth.

Why dontcha collect stamps
instead of talkin'’ that shite.

Um, and then he says,
because it makes sense,

"You can forward this to
your lover Snoop Dogg."

That'’s right, I wanted
to write him back and go,

you know what, sir?

You got me.

Snoop Dogg and I are lovers

and if I have
even one egg left,

we'’re gonna make a
fuckin'’ Snoop Omelet.

You got me sir, and then he
says, I got a lot of this,

"I'’m glad your sister
just died of cancer,

I wish it was you."

Yeah, all right, then he
says, "Fuck you up the ass

with a red hot poker."

Now, I'’ve been very clear
my whole career about this.

I prefer a chilled poker.

I find a red hot poker
is a little shocking

to my anus and
also chilled poker

and a lot of Astro Glide
but that'’s me, that'’s me.

It'’s a free country for now.

Then he says, "Red hot poker

just like your precious friends

on that filthy
show Will and Grace

who all fuck each other
up the ass all day."

And all I took away from
this whole death threat was,

Will and Graceis back!

All right, so OK, I have
to tell you about something.

I hope you get
this and like this.

I attended the White
House Correspondents'’

Yes, what a difference
a year makes!

OK, so get this shit.

I got into so many fights.

Yes, can you believe it?

I got a call the day before,

'’cause I still didn'’t
have a publicist,

from The Washington Post,
and they wanted to know

if they could shadow me

'’cause they thought
it was so crazy

that I was going to the White
House Correspondents'’ Dinner.

Now typically, as you can tell,

that is not a good idea at all.

I went in with what'’s
called an agenda.

So I'’m sitting there,
and I'’m looking around

and there'’s a lot of
cabinet members and stuff,

and of course Trump didn'’t go,

because he'’s too much of a puss

and he could never take a joke.

But one thing I wanna tell
you, want you to take away,

is I absolutely
with my own eyes,

and I was the only other
standup comic in the room,

saw Michelle Wolf
do a great job

with her monologue at the White
House Correspondents'’ Dinner.

I watched it!

I was there in the audience!

So they are not gonna
take her down on my watch.

And they tried, I watched them
even start tweeting about it

in real time, saying the
whole room was leaving.

Nobody was leaving.

All right, we'’ll get there.

So I go and sit down, and
this guy comes up to me,

his name is Hogan Gidley,
and he'’s this piece of shit

that'’s Sarah Fuckabee'’s
right hand man,

and I recognize him '’cause
he kind of looks like

that asshole Ralph Reed
from Focus on the Family,

So, you know, these guys always
wanna start shit with me.

I'’m just sittin'’ there, so
he comes up and he goes,

"I just wanna let you know
we are gonna build the wall,

and I'’m drinking
a Mexican beer."

I know, and I go,

"Bye Nazi."

I don'’t know what it
is about straight guys,

but if you blow on them,
they fuckin'’ freak out.

Like, it was,
it'’s my new thing!

'’Cause they'’re like,
he was like a cat,

like he thought he
was gonna really have,

and then he was like,

OK, so then, I stood
right outside the men'’s room

and then none of them
could get away from me.

It was heaven!

And had a fuckin'’ train

longer than Stormy pullin'’
a double in Tuscaloosa.

Yes, yes.

So, I realize that'’s
where they couldn'’t

get away from me, right?

So I would wait for them to
come out of the bathroom.

So the first one was that
piece of shit Wilbur Ross,

who'’s like a hundred and fifty,

so he comes down and
he'’s like.

You know, he was like
a Simpson'’s character.

And so he doesn'’t recognize
me or know who I am.

And I go, "Time to retire!"

Like that.

I know, it'’s weird but
it was so much fun.

Then Gary Cohen comes down,
one of the economic advisors,

and I go, "Gary Cohen,
what do you know!

You got canned two weeks ago,

so desperate for a free meal?"

I fuckin'’ picked '’em off one
after one with a simple

And, yeah, Tom Bossert,
just one after another.

And then I would accuse them
specifically of the crimes

that I'’m quite sure
they'’re guilty of.

All right, so then the
piece of shit Brian Kilmeade

comes out from FOX
and Friends, right?

Now here'’s the thing, I admit,

a lot of people
don'’t know this.

FOX and Friendswasn'’t
always a propaganda show,

much less even
a political show.

I used to go on FOX and Friends

when they very first started,

and they were sort of
trying to be a knockoff

of the Today Showor GMA.

So I actually used to
go on FOX and Friends

and do cooking segments
with Richard Simmons!

Yes, who'’s missing!

He'’s missing!

Where is he over there?

Why won'’t they?

So, anyway, Brian
Kilmeade comes down

and all these other
pieces of shit guys,

Trumpers that have
dogpiled on me.

The first thing he says
is, "Can I get a selfie?"

I go, "No Nazi, you
can'’t get a selfie.

What the fuck is
the matter with you?

Propagating this
bullshit to the President

that you know he believes.

When I used to do your
piece of shit show,

you were the sports girl

and Steve Doocy was the
weather girl, do your job!"

And, you should know that
of course I had a fantasy

that Trump didn'’t go only
because he was afraid of me.

Like, that of course was
an insane fantasy I had,

but I have one that'’s
even more insane.

You ready?

This guy gets up and leaves,
and his name is Matt Schlapp

and he runs that thing CPAC,

which used to be just a sort
of conservative convention,

and now they have like Nazis

and Steve Bannon was their
big get and everything.

So, he'’s a fuckin'’ psycho.

I will also say she
is a lady, my God.

OK, let me just say,
yeah, get nervous,

'’cause I'’m fuckin'’ goin there.

And here'’s why, like I said,
I have traveled this country,

well I could be a pilot
practically at this point.

I'’ve traveled and traveled,

I'’ve gone to every city large
and small, and let'’s face it,

not every place is
New York and LA,

there'’s many places in America

where you can'’t just come out.

There'’s many places where
frankly it'’s just not safe

to be gay.

So, over the decades, I'’ve
done many, many events

where I'’m in, you know the
South, or typically, the South.

And let'’s say I'’m
doing a book signing,

and then a guy like Matt
Schlapp comes up to me,

Hey, girl!

My god fierce
diva, love your book!

So does my wife Edna!

And then, right?

We all have that
person in our life,

whether it'’s a
relative or a coworker,

and you kind of have that
moment of like, OK I'’ll play.

And you look at Edna, god
love her, she'’s 600 pounds,

he hasn'’t touched her
since the wedding night

when he took Viagra

and was watching Channing
Tatum videos on his iPad.

But you know, that'’s the
quilt that is America.

So anyway, this guy'’s
a piece of shit.

Now get this shit,

his wife is named Mercedes,
and she'’s in the Administration

as like one of those accidents.

Like when Scott Pruitt tried
to get his wife a Chick-Fil-A,

remember that shit?

So they will just take
fuckin'’ anybody apparently.

She has no qualifications
or anything.

She'’s also the woman that
stood up for the girl who said,

"It doesn'’t matter about
John McCain'’s vote,

he'’s gonna die soon anyway."

So this bitch Mercedes
Schlapp, S-C-H-L-A-P-P,

she stood up for
that girl, right?

So anyway,
they leave the event,

and I see Matt
Schlapp is tweeting

that Michelle Wolf
is a disaster

and the room is getting emptied

and everyone'’s booing and
the event'’s been ruined.

And it was those
two leaving, right?

So sure enough, I left the
event, go to the MSNBC party,

'’cause I thought there would
be like some friendlies,

and I'’m there talking
to a couple friends

and who walks in but fuckin'’
Matt Schlapp and his wife?

So they left early to get free
drinks at the MSNBC party,

and yet going
online once again,

trying to take
down Michelle Wolf

and say that everyone left.

She did very, very well.

So anyway, I didn'’t
really have it in mind

to start with him,

I had already been in like
four fights by that point.

So I'’m talking to a couple
pals, and then he comes up,

and the wife comes up to me.

And I'’ve never
said a word to her.

She wasn'’t really on my
radar, and she comes up to me

like people are wont
to do a lot these days,

"Well you'’re a female comedian.

I suppose you think
what she did was funny.

Well, it was crass and vulgar

and may have ruined
the event forever."

I didn'’t call for you.

When I do you'’ll know.

'’Cause I'’m gonna spot you

in that knockoff Jessica
McClintock half-off

Macy'’s basement dress
a mile fuckin'’ away.

So if you'’re gonna step
up to me, Scarlett O'’Hara,

move your fuckin'’ hoop
before I move it for you,

or whatever it was.

And it was so great
'’cause she didn'’t know

that Washington Post was there,

and the guys were
like holy shit.

It was really funny because
Dana Bash and Don Lemon

were just like, OK, let'’s
just let this air itself out.

And then, this bitch does
not know when to stop.

So she'’s coming at me,
and I'’m like honey,

you'’re like the 18th person.

I'’m happy to go to
battle at this point.

So I'’m a grown middle-aged
woman screaming at this bitch,

and then the husband does,
what I'’ve seen many times,

the gay pivot, he'’s got like
a highball or something,

and he'’s watching
two bitches fight,

and he just goes like,

Yeah, he didn'’t
have her back at all.

He was like happy to watch
the whole fuckin'’ shitfest.

So, as you guys, when I read
the infamous death threat

when the guy mentioned
my sister passing away,

a couple things that happened,

'’cause I really do want you
guys to know how serious

and crazy these Trumpers are,

so during that period,
my mom got death threats

to her retirement village,

and they tracked
her down somehow,

and that really
scared her a lot.

But even worse than that
was that my sister Joyce

was dying of cancer
in a hospital

and she got death threats
until the day she died.

OK comedy show, comedy
show.

We love you, Kathy!

And I love you and
thank you, thank you.

OK, so there'’s
the kind of pressure

that they'’ll put on somebody

if they just fucking
feel like it.

So, when it came time
for the interrogation,

months had passed,
and every single day,

this is where your
tax dollars went!

Every single day, Allan
would call me and say

the DOJ called again.

Every day.

"Is she coming in?

Is she coming in tomorrow?

Is she comin'’?

Can you get her to come in?"

So finally I said,

that'’s what they
have Jeff Sessions

and the Department
of Justice is doing.

So I said, "What do they
mean am I coming in?"

And he said, "They
want you to go downtown

to the jail downtown."

And I said, "What do you mean?"

And he goes, "Look, I'’m
negotiating with them,

but they'’re messing with you.

They don'’t have anything but
they'’re messing with you."

And I said, "OK,
what does this mean?"

And he said, "They want
you to do a perp walk

in a jumpsuit and cuffs.

"They want the video of that."

OK.

I'’m a prudent woman,
some may say cheap.

I never thought
I would say this

to one of the most expensive
lawyers in the world.

I said, "Alan, I don'’t
care how much it costs.

I don'’t care if I
have to lose my house

and lose everything,
over my dead body

am I letting any one of you
see me do a fucking perp walk

in a jumpsuit for my
First Amendment rights

which I did not violate.

I'’m not letting a woman see it,

I'’m letting person
of color see it,

I'’m not letting a
gay person see it,

I don'’t fucking care
how much it costs,

over my dead body.

A perp walk like
a common criminal.

No fucking way, never!

Never!"

Thank you, thank you.

Two months, two months
they tried to get me

to do the perp walk.

So, hundreds of thousands
of dollars later,

and like I said, the reason
I tell this story is,

if god forbid any of you
or your 13-year-old kid

puts their picture up
online or anywhere,

they have not done
anything wrong

and they should not
be put through this.

All right, so he
finally negotiated

so that I would be interrogated
under oath in his office.

So a lot of people think I
was interviewed or called.

No, I was interrogated
under oath.

So, we practiced, you know,
for a couple of months,

and he finally talked him
into doing it in his office,

in a board room of all places,

and they had to go to my house

and make sure that
there were no firearms

because they wanted
to come over

and he said it'’s kind of
better if they don'’t come over.

And I was like all
right, but whatever,

so I said, "Well I don'’t
have any firearms."

So we had practiced and the
way these things work is,

I just want you to know,

this was not a situation
where if I was messing up,

he could say to the Feds, "I
need a moment with my client."

And we can sort of
re-strategize or anything.

So that'’s what I want
you guys to know,

is that they were seriously
considering charging me

with conspiracy to assassinate

the President of
the United States.

So we were alone in the room
for a few minutes first,

and he did his lawyerly duty
and he said, "Kid, I love ya,

but I'’d be derelict in my
duty if I didn'’t tell ya,

you fuck this up and
you leave in cuffs."

And I said, "OK,
I understand."

So the Feds come in, and
the first question was,

"We understand you have a
preexisting relationship

with the President."

So I went through everything,

from the time I met
him on Suddenly Susan

to the charity gigs

where he didn'’t give
the money to charity.

Every possible run-in,
every up-fronts, every TCAs,

every time I'’d see him in
New York, all that stuff.

And what they do,
and I understand,

they try to catch someone

to make sure they'’re
not telling a lie.

So then the male agent said,

"And is it true you have
no firearms in your home?"

And I said, "Yes, that'’s true."

And what we all know
from Michael Cohen

and Paul Manafort is you
do not lie to the Feds,

and my hand to God, I
remembered it on the spot

and I was so proud of myself
for being super honest,

that I said, "Wait!

I just remembered,
I do have a giant sword."

You guys, if you could have
seen Alan'’s face, he was like,

and then I can tell like,
that doesn'’t sound good,

if they think I
decapitated someone.

I better explain
it more and more

and that'’ll make
everything better.

So, he then takes out the pen
and paper for the first time.

So I was like shit, so now
I'’m like I am so honest,

I go, "Yep, that'’s
right, it is a big sword.

It is like medieval,

like it'’s got one of
those leather encasements.

Now obviously, it'’s
only for display,

but I'’m not gonna
lie, it'’s really big,

it'’s got a big handle,

and it'’s even got an
inscription on it!"

And so then he says, "Really!

"Are there any
distinct markings?"

And I don'’t know he
means fucking blood,

so I go, "Yes!"

So proud of myself.

And he'’s like, "Really,
what'’s on the sword?"

And I go, "

It'’s inscribed to me and it
says Welcome to the F-list!"

Thank god it was documented
on an old episode

of My Life on the D-List,

because I then realized
this guy thought

I was a sword-carrying
crazy ISIS decapitator.

And I was able to say,

"I got it from when I
hosted the gay porn awards!

I left that part out!"

Yes, if you saw in
My Life on the D-List,

there was an episode where I
hosted the gay porn awards,

and now I'’m explaining
it to this FBI agent

who'’s considering
whether not to charge me

with conspiracy to assassinate

the President of
the United States,

and Alan is looking
at me like God,

and I'’m going, "Yes,
well you know the gays,

go big or go home, am I right?

I mean this thing is big."

And it was like a token,
you know what I mean?

Like not like an honorary, but
it was like a gift, you know.

And it'’s funny because the
film that won that year,

ironically, was called Justice.

It'’s funny that we'’re in
this current situation

because the film started
where the main gentleman,

or protagonist, he started
as what'’s called as a, top.

And then what happened
was, he was arrested,

but it wasn'’t professional
like this at all,

like frankly it was kind
of a miscarriage of justice

in the movie, and during
his interrogation,

it was like a five-way,
frankly,

it was nothing like this,

like this is very professional,
I appreciate your work.

Now in the film Justice,
during his interrogation,

he turns into what'’s
called a versatile,

and then, by the denouement,

he'’s what'’s called a
full, pig bottom.

And so I got a
commemorative sword,

and I just wanna say
this film Justice,

it swept that year,
I mean, I got like

best in photography,
best script, best actor.

It was like The Shape of Water.

And Alan is looking at me like,

wrap up the fuckin'’ gay porn.

Wrap up the gay porn.

So after that story,
the male agent

actually had to put
his hand over his mouth

'’cause he just
started laughing.

So then, the female
agent turns to me

and she asks me
the one question

that Alan and I
had not practiced.

And it really
caught me off guard

and I thought we had thought
of every possible question.

She turns to me and she says,
and we'’re in a board room,

she goes, "Ms. Griffin,
what would you do

if the President walked
through that door right now?"

OK you guys, I'’m already a
paranoid motherfucker, OK?

Also, I know this fool.

Like, he doesn'’t do
any Presidenting,

like I can absolutely
imagine him going,

hey Mike let'’s get
on Air Force One

and go fuck with Kathy
Griffin, come on!

Like I'’m not kidding,

I thought there
was a 50/50 chance

that his gunts would be
bursting through that door

any second, I am not kidding,
I thought this was like,

and so I turn to Alan
and I just go, "Alan?"

And he goes, "Answer
the question."

OK, you guys know that show,

Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg?

All right, so, like
I'’ve explained, I

She can'’t stand me '’cause
I'’m vulgar and crass,

but I fuckin'’ love her.

She'’s a bad bitch.

For god'’s sake, she cooks
and she'’s been to prison.

What'’s not to love?

So I wanted to talk to her
when I went on that show

because Snoop Dogg is
easy to get along with,

and talking to him is
very different obviously,

and so I did an
episode of that show,

and I wanted to talk
to Martha, here'’s why.

It was when Trump
had just declined

on the escalator from hell
where Mexicans are rapists

and Melanie was wearing
like a lampshade

or whatever the fuckin'’
outfit is, and if you recall,

when Martha Stewart took
over for The Apprentice,

Trump was terrible to her!

Shit on her,

did press conferences about
how horrible she was, terrible!

So I wanted to ask her, like,
how do you deal with that

now that he'’s actually running?

So I go up to her at
the beginning of the day

and I say, "Hey Martha,
it'’s good to see you,

it'’s an honor to be here.

Maybe at some point
we can grab 15 minutes

and maybe sit down and have
a cup of coffee or something."

And she goes like this,

"It'’s already such a long day."

I loved her more, I did.

I loved her more,
I can'’t help it.

All right, by the
way, two hours later,

she'’s totally wasted on sake,

and she'’s doing Snapchat
videos with me like,

"Wooo, I'’m with Kathy Griffin,
we got a long doggy tongue

and crazy ears!"

So, she loosened up a little,

and so I finally got her alone

and I said, "Look, this is what
I'’ve been dying to ask you.

I can'’t believe that The
Donald is actually running,

like he'’s really running,

and people might
actually vote for him!"

And I said, "He was
so awful to you.

How do you handle it now
when you walk into rooms

and you have to
be faced with him?

I mean, you guys kinda
run in the same like

New York money Mafia circles.

And he was so vicious,

what happens if he
unexpectedly walks
into a room?"

And Martha Stewart
goes like this,

"I say hello."

So for the girl who'’s never
done anything right
in her life,

when the female agent
said, "What would you say

if the President walked
through that door right now?"

Somehow, I channeled
my inner Martha Stewart

and I simply said,
"I'’d say hello."

And I was exonerated!

Thank you guys!

Thank you for coming!

Thank you, thank you, thank
you, you guys are awesome!

Thank you, good night!

It actually broadened
my audience.

So I now get resistors as well
as gay guys and soccer moms.

So this was also
an historic story.

I'’m hilarious, but I'’m angry.

What happened to me
truly was historic

and unprecedented in
the worst kind of way.

I'’m here to talk to you
about comedy, feminism,

and the First Amendment.

I got fucked by
this administration.

The First Amendment is
under attack, truly.

If you don'’t stand
up, you get run over.

I fought it tooth and nail,
and I shouldn'’t have had to.

And you shouldn'’t have to!

Kathy is going back
to the cornerstone

of what made her
career, standup comedy.

All-new material,
I hope you can handle it,

thank you, I love you
guys, Kathy Griffin!

I'’m always gonna
be open to whatever

is in the lexicon,
whether it'’s pop culture

or political and stuff,

and I don'’t need
to make a decision,

like am I gonna do
Trump stuff or not.

But, it'’s great to
have the freedom

after I did a whole world
tour about the Trump issue,

but I love it so much, I
just wanna hit the stage.

Thank you for coming,
I can'’t believe it!

I think the people who act
like eating a pint of ice cream

is too much for one sitting
are fuckin'’ pussies, thank you.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you.

I call it child-sized,
child-sized.

I can down a quart
if I'’m by myself,

I can down a quart like nothin'’

and sleep like a fuckin'’ baby.

So, I hate these
assholes that they like,

if you go to a dinner party

and they have a pint of
ice cream for four people.

And I'’m like, what are
the other three gonna do?

That shit'’s mine.
OK go have you, berries.

By the way, doesn'’t that suck

when somebody has a
really awesome party

and they go, "And for
dessert there'’s berries."

The reason I wore my PJs
is my joke is that in LA,

this is so fucking late to
get people to come out in LA.

I know for people going,
"Yes!," I'’m sorry.

'’Cause the gays have to
be at the gym at 4:30.

Or else they
get fired from gay.

They are fired from
gay, I'’ve seen it!

I'’ve seen it.

All right so, answer is no,
so thank you for coming!