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1
00:00:04,526 --> 00:00:06,180
Okay, I got the candy in three piles...
2
00:00:06,223 --> 00:00:09,618
Valentine's, Halloween, and Christmas.
3
00:00:09,661 --> 00:00:11,489
God, how long have you had this stuff?
4
00:00:11,533 --> 00:00:13,274
Ever since your grandmother said,
5
00:00:13,317 --> 00:00:15,058
"Holiday candy stays good forever.
6
00:00:15,102 --> 00:00:16,842
It's like medicine."
7
00:00:16,886 --> 00:00:21,195
Now let's divide the candy
into "good" and "bad."
8
00:00:24,894 --> 00:00:27,070
There. That's the bad pile.
9
00:00:27,114 --> 00:00:29,551
Hey! I was still eating those.
10
00:00:29,594 --> 00:00:31,074
You know, a lot of that stuff
will soften up
11
00:00:31,118 --> 00:00:33,772
if you just work it in your
mouth for a couple hours.
12
00:00:34,599 --> 00:00:37,863
Uh, I hate to interrupt
the riveting stale candy debate,
13
00:00:37,907 --> 00:00:39,691
but there is a really good house here.
14
00:00:39,735 --> 00:00:41,432
It's right at the top
end of my price range,
15
00:00:41,476 --> 00:00:42,781
but it's the only one that hasn't said,
16
00:00:42,825 --> 00:00:45,088
"Train lovers look no further."
17
00:00:45,132 --> 00:00:47,482
I wouldn't consider the train
a deal-breaker.
18
00:00:47,525 --> 00:00:50,354
I think it's nice when
your house rocks you to sleep.
19
00:00:50,398 --> 00:00:52,008
Becky, let's go check it out later.
20
00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:54,141
If you're gonna live there, you
should check out the place, too.
21
00:00:54,184 --> 00:00:56,012
Oh, I can't today.
22
00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:58,101
Glen's picking me up
for a date in a little bit.
23
00:00:58,145 --> 00:00:59,276
Ooh.
24
00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:00,843
Okay, fine. I'll take Harris.
25
00:01:00,886 --> 00:01:03,106
But this lack of initiative
is how you and your daughter
26
00:01:03,150 --> 00:01:04,542
end up in a basement.
27
00:01:05,717 --> 00:01:08,242
So... you're going out
28
00:01:08,285 --> 00:01:09,982
with your professor again, huh?
29
00:01:10,026 --> 00:01:11,375
Yeah. We got to keep it on the DL
30
00:01:11,419 --> 00:01:13,116
so we don't get into trouble.
31
00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:14,987
We're trying a little
out-of-the-way place
32
00:01:15,031 --> 00:01:16,337
three towns over.
33
00:01:16,380 --> 00:01:17,990
It's called Rusty's Kitchen.
34
00:01:18,034 --> 00:01:19,905
Based on the website picture
35
00:01:19,949 --> 00:01:22,560
of the guy flipping burgers
with his shirt off,
36
00:01:22,604 --> 00:01:23,692
it might just be a kitchen
37
00:01:23,735 --> 00:01:25,302
in the house of a guy named Rusty.
38
00:01:26,825 --> 00:01:28,523
I feel bad not going with Darlene,
39
00:01:28,566 --> 00:01:31,047
but I'm not even sure
if I want to live with her.
40
00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:32,309
It's a tough decision.
41
00:01:32,353 --> 00:01:34,006
Well, just make a list of pros and cons.
42
00:01:34,050 --> 00:01:35,138
Oh, sure.
43
00:01:35,182 --> 00:01:37,401
Not easy having a sister as a roommate.
44
00:01:37,445 --> 00:01:39,186
Were you and Mom ever roommates?
45
00:01:39,229 --> 00:01:42,145
No. But I don't know if you know this.
46
00:01:42,189 --> 00:01:43,364
I was actually a twin.
47
00:01:43,407 --> 00:01:45,409
They say I killed my
sibling in the womb.
48
00:01:46,236 --> 00:01:48,151
It wasn't a twin.
49
00:01:48,195 --> 00:01:50,327
All they found was an ovarian cyst.
50
00:01:50,371 --> 00:01:52,286
Yeah. After I got done with her.
51
00:01:53,678 --> 00:01:55,985
Okay, there's the first pro...
52
00:01:56,028 --> 00:01:59,336
Uh, "Spend less time with other
crazy family members."
53
00:01:59,380 --> 00:02:01,512
Oh, yeah, I get that.
54
00:02:01,556 --> 00:02:05,125
So what are the cons
of moving in with Darlene?
55
00:02:06,184 --> 00:02:07,794
- Darlene.
- Mm.
56
00:02:35,503 --> 00:02:39,503
- Synced and corrected by synk -
- www.addic7ed.com -
57
00:02:46,984 --> 00:02:48,906
See, we got through the whole house
58
00:02:48,931 --> 00:02:51,258
without some pushy realtor bugging us.
59
00:02:51,301 --> 00:02:52,607
That's why you gotta dress like this.
60
00:02:52,650 --> 00:02:54,478
I don't want these people to
think I've got money.
61
00:02:54,522 --> 00:02:57,046
Yeah, whatever you do,
don't tuck in your sweatshirt.
62
00:02:57,089 --> 00:02:59,266
They might think you're a billionaire.
63
00:02:59,309 --> 00:03:01,485
This place is amazing, right?
64
00:03:01,529 --> 00:03:03,357
I mean, it's got so much potential.
65
00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:05,446
Oh, my God, I want it so bad.
66
00:03:05,489 --> 00:03:07,448
Then go for it.
I'm gonna go grab my phone.
67
00:03:07,491 --> 00:03:09,406
I left it charging in
an outlet upstairs.
68
00:03:09,450 --> 00:03:12,061
Oh, Harris, you're, uh,
stealing electricity.
69
00:03:12,104 --> 00:03:13,280
People live here.
70
00:03:13,323 --> 00:03:15,151
So while you're up there,
make sure to grab
71
00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:16,761
some soap and toilet paper.
72
00:03:27,468 --> 00:03:29,513
Hi. You can't be in here.
73
00:03:29,557 --> 00:03:31,298
But if you come back
at the end of the day,
74
00:03:31,341 --> 00:03:34,344
I'll leave a plate of
leftover cookies on the porch.
75
00:03:34,388 --> 00:03:35,606
Oh, no.
76
00:03:35,650 --> 00:03:37,521
I'm... I'm not here for the food.
77
00:03:37,565 --> 00:03:40,307
By the way, I love this house.
78
00:03:40,350 --> 00:03:41,743
I'm sure you do.
79
00:03:41,786 --> 00:03:43,440
It's indoors.
80
00:03:43,484 --> 00:03:46,095
I'm sorry, but I have to
ask you to leave.
81
00:03:47,096 --> 00:03:49,968
Oh, oh, you think I'm homeless
because of the way I'm dressed.
82
00:03:50,012 --> 00:03:51,448
No, I'm not. Smell me.
83
00:03:51,492 --> 00:03:54,059
I'd rather not. Please.
84
00:03:54,103 --> 00:03:55,278
Mom, what are you doing?
85
00:03:55,322 --> 00:03:56,975
Oh, Harris. You're just in time.
86
00:03:57,019 --> 00:03:58,107
This is my daughter.
87
00:03:58,150 --> 00:03:59,717
Harris, please tell her who I am.
88
00:03:59,761 --> 00:04:01,676
I am so sorry.
89
00:04:01,719 --> 00:04:03,678
We were just about to put out
a silver alert for her.
90
00:04:03,721 --> 00:04:05,070
No, no, no.
91
00:04:05,114 --> 00:04:06,333
No, not right now.
92
00:04:06,376 --> 00:04:07,856
That's only funny with family.
93
00:04:07,899 --> 00:04:10,119
No, it's funny now.
94
00:04:10,162 --> 00:04:12,077
Fine. She's a manager
at Wellman Plastics,
95
00:04:12,121 --> 00:04:14,297
the pillar of our community.
96
00:04:14,341 --> 00:04:17,735
Anyway, I am super
interested in this house,
97
00:04:17,779 --> 00:04:19,171
and I would like to make an offer.
98
00:04:19,215 --> 00:04:21,478
Great. But you'll want
to get it in soon.
99
00:04:21,522 --> 00:04:24,002
This house is priced to move.
100
00:04:24,046 --> 00:04:26,353
It's gonna be a
multiple-offer situation.
101
00:04:26,396 --> 00:04:28,311
Okay, so how do I make sure I get it?
102
00:04:28,355 --> 00:04:31,140
Come in at asking price, don't low ball.
103
00:04:31,183 --> 00:04:32,794
And then make sure you and your husband,
104
00:04:32,837 --> 00:04:34,883
or your partner,
are pre-approved.
105
00:04:34,926 --> 00:04:36,363
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's... That's not an issue.
106
00:04:36,406 --> 00:04:38,365
I'm qualified, but the loan's
just gonna be in my name.
107
00:04:38,408 --> 00:04:41,933
Ooh, that might be a tough one
for the seller.
108
00:04:41,977 --> 00:04:44,588
They prefer the security of a couple.
109
00:04:44,632 --> 00:04:46,721
Oh, yeah, so do adoption agencies.
110
00:04:46,764 --> 00:04:48,331
But that just means
you might end up with
111
00:04:48,375 --> 00:04:50,551
two alcoholic parents, right?
112
00:04:50,594 --> 00:04:52,770
I mean, I think those days
are behind us.
113
00:04:52,814 --> 00:04:54,337
I'm sure all things being equal,
114
00:04:54,381 --> 00:04:56,992
a single woman and a couple
have the exact same shot.
115
00:04:57,035 --> 00:04:59,342
I can't say this officially,
116
00:04:59,386 --> 00:05:01,170
but since I've already opened myself up
117
00:05:01,213 --> 00:05:04,826
to an equal-opportunity lawsuit
with the homeless thing... no.
118
00:05:04,869 --> 00:05:06,523
The couple would win the bid.
119
00:05:06,567 --> 00:05:08,351
A couple would also beat a single man?
120
00:05:08,395 --> 00:05:09,918
Oh, absolutely.
121
00:05:09,961 --> 00:05:12,964
The only good news for single
men is they beat single women.
122
00:05:13,008 --> 00:05:14,531
Excuse me?
123
00:05:14,575 --> 00:05:15,880
More earning potential
124
00:05:15,924 --> 00:05:18,361
and less likely to end up
raising children alone.
125
00:05:18,405 --> 00:05:21,364
Okay, so a single man
beats a single woman,
126
00:05:21,408 --> 00:05:23,235
but a couple beats them both?
127
00:05:23,279 --> 00:05:25,542
I assume the highest hand
is two men.
128
00:05:25,586 --> 00:05:26,935
The banks don't even run their credit.
129
00:05:26,978 --> 00:05:29,198
We just hand them the keys.
130
00:05:29,241 --> 00:05:32,375
Wow. Well, I feel sorry
for some poor single woman
131
00:05:32,419 --> 00:05:34,072
that's just trying to make
a better life for herself.
132
00:05:34,116 --> 00:05:36,379
I guess she should just keep
living with her father, right?
133
00:05:36,423 --> 00:05:40,949
You joke, but there are some
lost souls who have to do that.
134
00:05:40,992 --> 00:05:42,298
Yeah.
135
00:05:44,822 --> 00:05:47,999
Oh, my God.
We're actually out of the house.
136
00:05:48,043 --> 00:05:49,653
Let's take a romantic stroll afterward.
137
00:05:49,697 --> 00:05:50,872
Finally, we don't have to worry
138
00:05:50,915 --> 00:05:52,395
about one of my students seeing us.
139
00:05:53,570 --> 00:05:54,876
Didn't you like walking around my yard
140
00:05:54,919 --> 00:05:56,617
and checking to see
if any of the chickens
141
00:05:56,660 --> 00:05:58,227
had frozen to death overnight?
142
00:05:58,270 --> 00:06:00,795
Took me a while to find
the romance in it, but yeah.
143
00:06:05,669 --> 00:06:07,584
Hey, Professor Davis!
144
00:06:09,456 --> 00:06:10,457
Hey.
145
00:06:10,500 --> 00:06:11,893
Becky?
146
00:06:11,936 --> 00:06:14,461
What are you guys doing
all the way out here?
147
00:06:14,504 --> 00:06:16,898
We live out here. It's cheaper.
148
00:06:16,941 --> 00:06:19,466
What are you guys
doing out here? Together?
149
00:06:19,509 --> 00:06:21,293
I live out here, too.
150
00:06:21,337 --> 00:06:22,643
Because it's cheaper.
151
00:06:22,686 --> 00:06:24,688
And, uh, I was just giving Becky a ride.
152
00:06:24,732 --> 00:06:26,473
Because I had a flat tire.
153
00:06:26,516 --> 00:06:30,564
And he brought me all the way
out here to buy a new tire.
154
00:06:30,607 --> 00:06:32,435
'Cause it's cheaper.
155
00:06:32,479 --> 00:06:34,524
Oh, okay.
156
00:06:34,568 --> 00:06:36,526
'Cause when we saw you get out the car,
157
00:06:36,570 --> 00:06:38,572
it almost looked like
you guys were on a date.
158
00:06:40,922 --> 00:06:42,663
A date? Gross.
159
00:06:42,706 --> 00:06:44,708
I don't date my professor.
160
00:06:44,752 --> 00:06:46,493
I only date young and hot guys.
161
00:06:46,536 --> 00:06:48,712
Yeah, and I can show you
pictures of people I've dated
162
00:06:48,756 --> 00:06:51,149
that are much better looking than her.
163
00:06:52,368 --> 00:06:54,326
But you're single, right?
164
00:06:54,370 --> 00:06:55,589
Oh, yeah.
165
00:06:55,632 --> 00:06:57,460
Well, since you're single,
166
00:06:57,504 --> 00:06:58,940
you should come out with us tonight.
167
00:06:58,983 --> 00:07:01,464
The Chamber of Commerce is
trying to keep younger people
168
00:07:01,508 --> 00:07:03,858
in the city, so they're having
a big singles event
169
00:07:03,901 --> 00:07:05,163
at the Lanford Cemetery.
170
00:07:05,207 --> 00:07:06,687
Yeah, it's called, "You have to die,
171
00:07:06,730 --> 00:07:07,949
but you don't have to die alone."
172
00:07:09,124 --> 00:07:11,822
Cute. But not factually correct.
173
00:07:11,866 --> 00:07:14,346
I mean, I think everybody dies alone.
174
00:07:14,390 --> 00:07:16,174
Oh, yeah, but that's not clever.
175
00:07:17,219 --> 00:07:18,525
We're not taking no for an answer.
176
00:07:18,568 --> 00:07:19,628
We'll pick you up at 8:00.
177
00:07:19,653 --> 00:07:20,701
- Bye.
- Bye.
178
00:07:20,744 --> 00:07:21,902
Bye.
179
00:07:22,790 --> 00:07:24,531
Oh, man.
180
00:07:24,574 --> 00:07:26,358
I think I got to go to this thing.
181
00:07:26,402 --> 00:07:27,519
No, you don't.
182
00:07:27,544 --> 00:07:29,361
You shouldn't have to go to
some creepy singles event
183
00:07:29,405 --> 00:07:31,102
just 'cause Connie's nosey.
184
00:07:31,146 --> 00:07:33,888
You know, she wrote a paper about
being estranged from her father.
185
00:07:33,931 --> 00:07:35,759
Now I see his side of it.
186
00:07:35,803 --> 00:07:38,370
Yeah, but she's got a big mouth.
187
00:07:38,414 --> 00:07:39,894
I mean, I could get kicked out,
188
00:07:39,937 --> 00:07:42,331
and more importantly,
you could lose your job.
189
00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:46,378
Guess I'm gonna have to
make an appearance.
190
00:07:47,118 --> 00:07:48,511
Well, we got busted,
191
00:07:48,555 --> 00:07:50,992
but we still have Rusty's one-star meal
192
00:07:51,035 --> 00:07:52,384
to look forward to.
193
00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:54,996
Somebody on Yelp
said he should be wearing
194
00:07:55,039 --> 00:07:56,519
a hairnet on his chest.
195
00:07:56,563 --> 00:07:58,086
Ew!
196
00:08:02,786 --> 00:08:04,179
Where'd you get that?
197
00:08:06,573 --> 00:08:08,575
Store.
198
00:08:08,618 --> 00:08:09,924
You took that from the trash.
199
00:08:09,967 --> 00:08:11,752
You're eating trash candy.
200
00:08:11,795 --> 00:08:13,536
Waste not, want not.
201
00:08:13,580 --> 00:08:14,668
That's in the Bible.
202
00:08:14,711 --> 00:08:16,104
I'm doing God's work.
203
00:08:16,147 --> 00:08:17,932
Leave me alone!
204
00:08:17,975 --> 00:08:19,411
Alright, fine.
205
00:08:19,455 --> 00:08:20,543
Toss one over.
206
00:08:20,587 --> 00:08:22,240
I got to fill out a loan application
207
00:08:22,284 --> 00:08:24,112
for a house I'm never gonna get.
208
00:08:24,155 --> 00:08:27,158
Ah, your first loan application
for a house you'll never get.
209
00:08:27,202 --> 00:08:29,204
I remember that.
210
00:08:29,247 --> 00:08:32,555
There's that line that says,
"All information provided
211
00:08:32,599 --> 00:08:35,732
is true upon penalty of perjury."
212
00:08:35,776 --> 00:08:36,907
Somehow the threat of prison
213
00:08:36,951 --> 00:08:39,475
made the lying a little more exciting.
214
00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:41,346
My problem isn't lying.
215
00:08:41,390 --> 00:08:43,261
I actually have good enough credit.
216
00:08:43,305 --> 00:08:44,886
The deck is just stacked against me.
217
00:08:44,911 --> 00:08:45,972
- Hey.
- Hey.
218
00:08:45,997 --> 00:08:47,064
Dan, you ready to go?
219
00:08:47,089 --> 00:08:49,180
Yep. We're going to Denny's.
220
00:08:49,224 --> 00:08:51,835
It's a business meal,
so I can write it off.
221
00:08:51,879 --> 00:08:54,969
Some people launder their money
in Switzerland.
222
00:08:55,012 --> 00:08:56,797
I have this.
223
00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:58,450
What are you filling out?
224
00:08:58,494 --> 00:09:00,061
Uh, it's a home loan application.
225
00:09:00,104 --> 00:09:02,672
I found a house that is perfect for me.
226
00:09:02,716 --> 00:09:04,152
Well, holy crap.
227
00:09:04,195 --> 00:09:05,588
I knew you were looking for a place,
228
00:09:05,632 --> 00:09:07,808
- but you're actually buying a house?
- Trying.
229
00:09:07,851 --> 00:09:10,071
Turns out I can get a loan
with only 3% down
230
00:09:10,114 --> 00:09:12,639
because the area is
what they call "up-and-coming."
231
00:09:12,682 --> 00:09:14,423
Apparently, the lead in the water
232
00:09:14,466 --> 00:09:16,817
is in the acceptable range.
233
00:09:16,860 --> 00:09:18,775
Alright, now, do you know all the things
234
00:09:18,819 --> 00:09:21,169
to check for before you make an offer?
235
00:09:21,212 --> 00:09:23,650
Radon, mold, cracked foundation.
236
00:09:23,693 --> 00:09:25,173
I mean, those things
will cost you a fortune
237
00:09:25,216 --> 00:09:26,261
if you have to fix them.
238
00:09:26,304 --> 00:09:27,828
Oh, I don't know about all that,
239
00:09:27,871 --> 00:09:29,786
but it has one of them boxes
240
00:09:29,830 --> 00:09:32,267
that washes your dishes for ya.
241
00:09:32,310 --> 00:09:33,660
All I am saying is that
242
00:09:33,703 --> 00:09:35,618
when people get excited about something,
243
00:09:35,662 --> 00:09:38,229
they tend to look at it
with rose-colored glasses
244
00:09:38,273 --> 00:09:40,275
and end up with something
that they don't want.
245
00:09:40,318 --> 00:09:42,059
You know, like when I first saw you.
246
00:09:43,104 --> 00:09:44,975
No, that's not what you're saying.
247
00:09:45,019 --> 00:09:47,630
You're saying you think
I don't know what I'm doing.
248
00:09:47,674 --> 00:09:49,676
Y-You're saying you think I need a man.
249
00:09:49,719 --> 00:09:51,634
Don't. Don't say it.
250
00:09:51,678 --> 00:09:54,071
Put the pin back in
that grenade, soldier.
251
00:09:54,115 --> 00:09:55,899
No one needs to die needlessly here.
252
00:09:55,943 --> 00:09:58,336
All I was gonna say is I am sorry,
253
00:09:58,380 --> 00:09:59,642
you do not need a man
254
00:09:59,686 --> 00:10:01,339
and I really hope you get the house.
255
00:10:02,732 --> 00:10:05,082
Hang on a second.
256
00:10:05,126 --> 00:10:06,867
I might need a man.
257
00:10:08,172 --> 00:10:10,000
I feel sorry for whoever
that poor bastard is.
258
00:10:10,044 --> 00:10:11,132
Have a great day.
259
00:10:11,175 --> 00:10:12,829
No, stop.
260
00:10:12,873 --> 00:10:15,702
The realtor says that I have to
be part of a couple
261
00:10:15,745 --> 00:10:17,660
to have a real shot with this seller.
262
00:10:17,704 --> 00:10:20,837
Apparently, any big,
dumb sack of male DNA
263
00:10:20,881 --> 00:10:22,883
will make me more attractive as a buyer.
264
00:10:22,926 --> 00:10:25,668
If you're asking me to
pretend that we're a couple,
265
00:10:25,712 --> 00:10:27,539
then I need to be wooed.
266
00:10:28,932 --> 00:10:30,760
Tell me I'm pretty.
267
00:10:31,892 --> 00:10:33,894
Okay.
268
00:10:33,937 --> 00:10:37,288
You're a big, dumb sack of pretty.
269
00:10:37,332 --> 00:10:38,550
Now will you go?
270
00:10:38,594 --> 00:10:40,727
Now that I feel good about myself, yes.
271
00:10:41,553 --> 00:10:43,512
Alright, I got to take
a new selfie of us.
272
00:10:43,555 --> 00:10:46,210
I'm gonna send it to the realtor
and set up an appointment.
273
00:10:49,344 --> 00:10:50,867
I look like I'm being
attacked by a bear,
274
00:10:50,911 --> 00:10:52,739
but I guess it'll do.
275
00:10:56,220 --> 00:10:59,702
Hi, hon. I know you're probably
grading papers right now,
276
00:10:59,746 --> 00:11:02,923
and I guarantee it is
more fun than this.
277
00:11:02,966 --> 00:11:04,838
There's a guy with a parrot,
278
00:11:04,881 --> 00:11:08,276
and it's been eyeing me all night.
279
00:11:08,319 --> 00:11:10,408
I think I'm gonna have someone
walk me to my car.
280
00:11:10,452 --> 00:11:12,323
I don't trust this parrot.
281
00:11:14,543 --> 00:11:16,066
Hey.
282
00:11:16,110 --> 00:11:17,328
Hey.
283
00:11:17,372 --> 00:11:19,069
What are you doing
here? You're not single.
284
00:11:19,113 --> 00:11:22,420
Shh! Neville and I are gonna
pretend that we're single.
285
00:11:22,464 --> 00:11:24,379
He's gonna meet me here in a little bit.
286
00:11:24,422 --> 00:11:27,164
I always wanted to get blasted
and have fun in a cemetery.
287
00:11:27,208 --> 00:11:29,776
I'm rehearsing for
when I throw my mom in a hole.
288
00:11:30,820 --> 00:11:32,169
Sounds like fun.
289
00:11:32,213 --> 00:11:34,302
I'm assuming Grandma will be dead.
290
00:11:34,345 --> 00:11:35,912
Really doesn't matter to me.
291
00:11:37,914 --> 00:11:39,437
What are you doing here? Mm?
292
00:11:39,481 --> 00:11:41,613
Things not working out
with Professor Glen?
293
00:11:41,657 --> 00:11:43,572
No. Shh!
294
00:11:43,615 --> 00:11:44,834
One of my classmates...
295
00:11:44,878 --> 00:11:46,227
Gray beanie over there by the crypt,
296
00:11:46,270 --> 00:11:48,011
don't look...
297
00:11:48,055 --> 00:11:49,665
Saw me out with him,
298
00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:51,754
so I have to pretend to be single
299
00:11:51,798 --> 00:11:53,408
to throw her off the trail.
300
00:11:53,451 --> 00:11:55,018
Which in Lanford means
301
00:11:55,062 --> 00:11:58,021
sipping an O'Doul's
on top of somebody's nana.
302
00:11:58,065 --> 00:12:01,764
Some of these old tombstones
are beautiful,
303
00:12:01,808 --> 00:12:05,986
you know, with the... the carved
statues and everything.
304
00:12:06,029 --> 00:12:07,335
"Loving husband and father,
305
00:12:07,378 --> 00:12:09,641
may you finally rest peacefully
306
00:12:09,685 --> 00:12:12,122
under the gaze of angels."
307
00:12:12,166 --> 00:12:13,254
That's so touching.
308
00:12:13,297 --> 00:12:14,603
Hey, take a picture of me, huh?
309
00:12:14,646 --> 00:12:15,691
Okay.
310
00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:20,783
Oh, my God.
311
00:12:23,220 --> 00:12:24,221
Here.
312
00:12:24,265 --> 00:12:26,175
- Put that on.
- Good idea.
313
00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:27,243
Okay.
314
00:12:27,268 --> 00:12:28,835
Stick it. Okay, okay.
315
00:12:28,878 --> 00:12:30,880
There you go.
316
00:12:35,887 --> 00:12:37,601
Okay, here.
Hold this.
317
00:12:37,626 --> 00:12:38,888
Hold it. Okay, stick it on.
318
00:12:38,932 --> 00:12:40,803
Okay.
319
00:12:40,847 --> 00:12:42,283
- Got it?
- Oh, good, good. Got it.
320
00:12:42,326 --> 00:12:43,937
Okay? Go.
321
00:12:46,678 --> 00:12:49,029
You know what?
You know what?
322
00:12:49,072 --> 00:12:50,291
I-I'm going this way.
323
00:12:50,334 --> 00:12:51,596
What?
324
00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:54,643
Hey, Becky, isn't this great?
325
00:12:54,686 --> 00:12:56,166
Oh, it is.
326
00:12:56,210 --> 00:12:58,647
Listen, I couldn't say this
in front of the professor,
327
00:12:58,690 --> 00:13:02,042
but I asked you to come
because I was worried
328
00:13:02,085 --> 00:13:03,870
that you guys might be involved.
329
00:13:03,913 --> 00:13:05,610
Even though you're closer in age,
330
00:13:05,654 --> 00:13:08,265
there's still a huge imbalance in power.
331
00:13:08,309 --> 00:13:10,833
What? No.
332
00:13:10,877 --> 00:13:14,010
Why would I take a crazy risk
and date my professor
333
00:13:14,054 --> 00:13:16,839
when there are so many
available guys here?
334
00:13:16,883 --> 00:13:19,886
That guy's parrot told me
I was a thirst trap.
335
00:13:19,929 --> 00:13:22,062
Oh, well, that parrot's hammered.
336
00:13:22,105 --> 00:13:23,846
He tells everybody that.
337
00:13:23,890 --> 00:13:27,458
Okay, there's somebody
I want to introduce you to.
338
00:13:27,502 --> 00:13:28,720
We can meet after for drinks.
339
00:13:28,764 --> 00:13:29,778
You'll love him.
340
00:13:29,803 --> 00:13:31,245
That's really sweet,
341
00:13:31,288 --> 00:13:33,290
but I like to pick out my own guys.
342
00:13:34,074 --> 00:13:37,033
Look, if you're covering for
Professor Davis,
343
00:13:37,077 --> 00:13:38,308
it's not worth it.
344
00:13:38,333 --> 00:13:40,297
Someone's gonna figure it out
and go straight to the dean.
345
00:13:40,341 --> 00:13:41,864
Oh, my God.
346
00:13:41,908 --> 00:13:44,649
Why are you so obsessed
with Professor Davis?
347
00:13:44,693 --> 00:13:47,652
Maybe you're the one going out
with him and you're worried
348
00:13:47,696 --> 00:13:49,916
someone's gonna steal your
old man professor from you,
349
00:13:49,959 --> 00:13:51,874
you old man professor lover.
350
00:13:53,571 --> 00:13:56,661
Okay, based on your reaction,
neither of us are dating him.
351
00:13:56,705 --> 00:13:59,969
So, uh, I guess I'm meeting this guy.
352
00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:04,452
You're right. This place is great.
353
00:14:04,495 --> 00:14:06,062
I know.
354
00:14:06,106 --> 00:14:09,457
Okay, we need a story about
how we met and everything.
355
00:14:09,500 --> 00:14:12,112
Well, how about this...
I owned a magazine,
356
00:14:12,155 --> 00:14:14,505
I hired you, we lost the magazine,
357
00:14:14,549 --> 00:14:16,464
we ended up living in
your childhood bedroom,
358
00:14:16,507 --> 00:14:18,161
but now...
359
00:14:18,205 --> 00:14:19,946
we're doing this.
360
00:14:19,989 --> 00:14:22,078
The truth? That's depressing.
361
00:14:22,122 --> 00:14:23,950
We're trying to get her
to sell us a house,
362
00:14:23,993 --> 00:14:25,908
not hang ourselves in the two-car garage
363
00:14:25,952 --> 00:14:28,171
with all the built-in cabinets.
364
00:14:28,215 --> 00:14:30,130
Fine. You come up with a better version.
365
00:14:30,173 --> 00:14:31,566
Okay.
366
00:14:31,609 --> 00:14:36,527
I am a rising exec in
the plastics industry,
367
00:14:36,571 --> 00:14:39,095
you own a chain of hardware stores,
368
00:14:39,139 --> 00:14:42,011
and we've built a great life together.
369
00:14:42,055 --> 00:14:43,926
Ah, that version of us is awesome.
370
00:14:44,971 --> 00:14:47,843
I love that us.
371
00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:50,063
But this is kind of weird.
372
00:14:50,106 --> 00:14:53,544
You know, this could've been our place.
373
00:14:53,588 --> 00:14:55,764
Right.
374
00:14:55,807 --> 00:14:57,984
You and I in our golden years,
375
00:14:58,027 --> 00:15:00,812
sitting on that patio swing,
uh, sipping a drink.
376
00:15:00,856 --> 00:15:02,162
Mm.
377
00:15:02,205 --> 00:15:04,555
Listening to Harris' kids
from different dads
378
00:15:04,599 --> 00:15:06,035
fighting in the living room.
379
00:15:07,036 --> 00:15:08,603
Wondering if she's ever
coming back to get 'em.
380
00:15:09,778 --> 00:15:11,040
Hey.
381
00:15:11,084 --> 00:15:13,098
There's your handsome Bigfoot.
382
00:15:14,217 --> 00:15:16,567
Oh, uh, this is my partner, Ben.
383
00:15:16,611 --> 00:15:18,178
Ben, this is Claire.
384
00:15:18,221 --> 00:15:20,006
We're a couple, and I love her.
385
00:15:21,268 --> 00:15:23,531
And I love this house.
386
00:15:23,574 --> 00:15:25,881
Did you get my offer?
I went to the max with it.
387
00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:29,972
I did, and the seller thinks
you're a lovely couple.
388
00:15:30,016 --> 00:15:32,018
There's been one slight change, though.
389
00:15:32,061 --> 00:15:34,150
There's another lovely couple,
and they're offering
390
00:15:34,194 --> 00:15:36,805
$20,000 over the asking price.
391
00:15:36,848 --> 00:15:39,068
You got to be kidding me.
392
00:15:39,112 --> 00:15:41,201
Here's the thing. If
you could find a way
393
00:15:41,244 --> 00:15:43,333
to beat their offer, even by a little,
394
00:15:43,377 --> 00:15:45,335
this place could still be yours.
395
00:15:45,379 --> 00:15:47,598
Well, what do we know
about this other couple?
396
00:15:47,642 --> 00:15:49,818
I mean, maybe they're just
pretending to be a couple.
397
00:15:49,861 --> 00:15:51,428
I've heard of that happening.
398
00:15:51,472 --> 00:15:53,213
They've been married 20 years.
399
00:15:53,256 --> 00:15:55,215
They rode over on a tandem bike.
400
00:15:55,258 --> 00:15:57,826
How cute are they?
401
00:15:57,869 --> 00:15:59,349
Well, if they can't afford two bikes,
402
00:15:59,393 --> 00:16:00,611
they can't afford a house.
403
00:16:00,655 --> 00:16:03,266
Might want to look into that.
404
00:16:05,996 --> 00:16:07,911
Becky should be right up.
405
00:16:08,315 --> 00:16:12,449
So, I understand you teach psychology.
406
00:16:12,493 --> 00:16:14,712
Did you have you a real job before that?
407
00:16:15,887 --> 00:16:18,151
No, my greatest skill
was my thirst for knowledge.
408
00:16:18,194 --> 00:16:19,282
I hear ya.
409
00:16:19,326 --> 00:16:21,328
I feel the same way about beer.
410
00:16:22,938 --> 00:16:24,374
Ready to go.
411
00:16:24,418 --> 00:16:26,159
We tried going to a real restaurant,
412
00:16:26,202 --> 00:16:28,074
but we got busted immediately.
413
00:16:28,117 --> 00:16:30,293
Yeah, a limited amount
of places we can go
414
00:16:30,337 --> 00:16:32,861
without being recognized,
but if it's worth it to Becky,
415
00:16:32,904 --> 00:16:34,210
it's worth it to me.
416
00:16:34,254 --> 00:16:35,864
Yeah, I saw on the news
where they gave a guy
417
00:16:35,907 --> 00:16:37,344
a whole new face.
418
00:16:37,387 --> 00:16:40,042
I like Becky's, but you can't be
all that attached to,
419
00:16:40,086 --> 00:16:41,957
you know, that.
420
00:16:45,308 --> 00:16:47,397
Uh, could we talk for a sec?
421
00:16:47,441 --> 00:16:48,941
Sure.
422
00:16:48,966 --> 00:16:50,183
We have to lie to everybody else.
423
00:16:50,226 --> 00:16:51,836
I don't want to lie to you.
424
00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:53,621
Um...
425
00:16:53,664 --> 00:16:57,059
Connie was like Harriet the Spy
at that cemetery thing.
426
00:16:57,103 --> 00:17:01,194
And to shake her off,
427
00:17:01,237 --> 00:17:04,980
I ended up going on a
date with her friend.
428
00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:06,242
Oh.
429
00:17:06,286 --> 00:17:07,722
Sorry.
430
00:17:07,765 --> 00:17:09,289
I couldn't get out of it.
431
00:17:09,332 --> 00:17:11,160
No big deal.
432
00:17:11,204 --> 00:17:12,335
Really?
433
00:17:12,379 --> 00:17:13,675
I'm fine.
434
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:15,991
Hey, let's get food that's easy
to eat in the car this time.
435
00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:17,253
Once you get that pad Thai noodle
436
00:17:17,297 --> 00:17:18,472
between the seat and the console,
437
00:17:18,515 --> 00:17:20,865
there's no getting it out.
438
00:17:20,909 --> 00:17:22,867
So you're not jealous at all?
439
00:17:22,911 --> 00:17:25,174
This doesn't have to be a big deal,
440
00:17:25,218 --> 00:17:27,568
but it should be at least a deal.
441
00:17:27,611 --> 00:17:29,265
No. All good.
442
00:17:29,309 --> 00:17:31,180
Uh, what about turkey legs?
443
00:17:31,224 --> 00:17:33,791
We could, uh, drive around
with them in the cup holders.
444
00:17:33,835 --> 00:17:35,358
Stop talking about food.
445
00:17:35,402 --> 00:17:38,231
Don't you care about
this relationship at all?
446
00:17:38,274 --> 00:17:41,277
I need to know if I'm the only
one invested in this thing.
447
00:17:41,321 --> 00:17:43,105
Of course I'm invested in this.
448
00:17:43,149 --> 00:17:45,499
Well, then, punch a wall
449
00:17:45,542 --> 00:17:47,109
or throw a beer through the TV.
450
00:17:47,153 --> 00:17:48,241
Show me you care.
451
00:17:48,284 --> 00:17:49,590
I can't.
452
00:17:49,633 --> 00:17:51,113
What do you mean you can't?
453
00:17:51,157 --> 00:17:53,942
Because I'm not gonna come down
on you for going on a date
454
00:17:53,985 --> 00:17:55,770
trying to protect our relationship.
455
00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:58,164
Yeah, I hate it.
456
00:17:58,207 --> 00:18:00,688
I'm already worried that
457
00:18:00,731 --> 00:18:03,604
this is all too much for you and that
you're gonna decide it's not worth it
458
00:18:03,647 --> 00:18:05,606
and... and leave.
459
00:18:05,649 --> 00:18:07,564
What?
460
00:18:07,608 --> 00:18:09,740
Of course it's worth it.
461
00:18:10,654 --> 00:18:13,701
Yeah, this is an impossible way
to have a relationship,
462
00:18:13,744 --> 00:18:17,574
but you have to trust that I'm
here because I want to be here.
463
00:18:17,618 --> 00:18:19,141
Alright, then,
464
00:18:19,185 --> 00:18:20,534
I am putting my foot down.
465
00:18:20,577 --> 00:18:22,797
No more dating other men.
466
00:18:28,194 --> 00:18:29,804
Well, Mr. Professor...
467
00:18:32,059 --> 00:18:35,671
I don't know how you treat beer
in the halls of academia,
468
00:18:35,696 --> 00:18:37,655
but in this house,
469
00:18:38,029 --> 00:18:40,815
we treat our aluminum
angels with respect.
470
00:18:43,426 --> 00:18:45,863
He'll like you better
when you get your new face.
471
00:18:51,434 --> 00:18:53,741
Oh, hey. How's the new house looking?
472
00:18:53,784 --> 00:18:55,569
I want to rent your room
to a bunch of Shriners
473
00:18:55,612 --> 00:18:57,440
for the St. Patrick's Day parade.
474
00:18:57,484 --> 00:18:59,399
They're gonna let me
drive the little car.
475
00:19:00,791 --> 00:19:03,881
I tried crunching the numbers
every way I could think of,
476
00:19:03,925 --> 00:19:06,319
and there's... There's
no way I can swing it.
477
00:19:06,362 --> 00:19:07,581
I'm sorry, honey.
478
00:19:07,624 --> 00:19:10,018
I sure wish I could help.
479
00:19:10,061 --> 00:19:12,194
Denny's got all my money.
480
00:19:13,064 --> 00:19:16,067
I'm just never gonna find
another place like that.
481
00:19:19,897 --> 00:19:21,899
Okay, now, don't bite my head off
482
00:19:21,943 --> 00:19:23,771
because I heard what you
said the other night.
483
00:19:23,814 --> 00:19:26,295
But I was thinking...
484
00:19:26,339 --> 00:19:28,819
what if I co-sign?
485
00:19:28,863 --> 00:19:30,995
'Cause if I jump in,
486
00:19:31,039 --> 00:19:32,823
we can get a bigger number on that loan.
487
00:19:32,867 --> 00:19:34,434
You're kidding me.
488
00:19:37,045 --> 00:19:40,657
That is incredibly generous.
489
00:19:40,701 --> 00:19:43,617
And incredibly complicated.
490
00:19:43,660 --> 00:19:45,314
Mm.
491
00:19:45,358 --> 00:19:48,099
I, uh... I really support you
making this move,
492
00:19:48,143 --> 00:19:50,232
and you found a place that you love.
493
00:19:50,276 --> 00:19:51,581
So before you break its heart
494
00:19:51,625 --> 00:19:53,235
by seeing another house behind its back,
495
00:19:53,279 --> 00:19:55,019
let me help.
496
00:19:55,063 --> 00:19:57,239
Are you ever gonna let that go?
497
00:19:57,283 --> 00:19:58,893
Why would I? It's our thing.
498
00:20:01,504 --> 00:20:06,161
Man, this could be my only shot
at getting this house.
499
00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:07,945
Well, then, come on. Let's go get it.
500
00:20:07,989 --> 00:20:10,209
I'm ready. Let's get you the house.
501
00:20:12,994 --> 00:20:15,518
Can't believe I'm gonna say this,
502
00:20:15,562 --> 00:20:16,867
but no.
503
00:20:17,999 --> 00:20:21,307
Getting this house is about me moving on
504
00:20:21,350 --> 00:20:23,700
and standing on my own two feet.
505
00:20:23,744 --> 00:20:27,051
That means not depending on
my dad for a place to live,
506
00:20:27,095 --> 00:20:28,705
and then if I let you co-sign,
507
00:20:28,749 --> 00:20:31,969
I'm just depending on you
for a place to live.
508
00:20:32,013 --> 00:20:33,623
I don't even know what happened to me.
509
00:20:33,667 --> 00:20:36,452
I was always such an independent person,
510
00:20:36,496 --> 00:20:39,281
and I guess I kind of lost my way.
511
00:20:39,325 --> 00:20:43,503
But I want to walk through
every room of a house
512
00:20:43,546 --> 00:20:46,375
and know that I got there on my own.
513
00:20:46,419 --> 00:20:49,770
Wow. Yeah, I remember this Darlene.
514
00:20:49,813 --> 00:20:51,511
Well, she's back,
515
00:20:51,554 --> 00:20:54,427
and she's probably gonna die
in her childhood bed.
516
00:20:58,953 --> 00:21:02,739
Oh, cute little place.
Shame it didn't work out.
517
00:21:02,783 --> 00:21:05,464
Well, thanks for coming with me. I
just wanted to come one last time
518
00:21:05,489 --> 00:21:06,501
for a sense of closure.
519
00:21:06,526 --> 00:21:07,527
Yeah, I hear that.
520
00:21:09,529 --> 00:21:10,769
There you go.
521
00:21:12,923 --> 00:21:14,577
How cute are they?
522
00:21:20,583 --> 00:21:22,324
Oh, that does feel better.
523
00:21:22,368 --> 00:21:24,413
I guess there's always
unforeseen expenses
524
00:21:24,457 --> 00:21:25,719
when you buy a new house, right?
525
00:21:27,430 --> 00:21:31,458
- Synced and corrected by synk -
- www.addic7ed.com -
38203
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