All language subtitles for dollface.s01e03.web.h264-tbs.en

‐ Hey, Allison, Allison, Allison.

‐ Did my stapler do something wrong?

‐ Celeste wants us to throw away

everything in the office
that doesn't spark joy.

‐ My stapler doesn't have to spark joy,
it just has to staple.

‐ I'm just not feeling anything.

‐ How am I supposed to design
the homepage layout without my mouse?

Uh, joy, radiating joy.

Happiness with every click.

Ooh, happy, joy.

‐ Okay, speaking of your mouse,
I need your help with the computer thing.

This is Woom's new
energy‐clearing facial spray,

Tidal Climax.

‐ Yeah, I know, I'm featuring‐‐

Can you smell that?
‐ I can taste it.

‐ Celeste would love it if you could
upload the smell to the site

for customers to sample.

‐ She wants me to upload
a smell into the computer?

‐ Yes. She read an article about how
that technology is being developed.

‐ Right, but it doesn't exist yet.

‐ But you could use like a plug‐in
or an extension, maybe a widget.

Oh, you should sunset a widget.

‐ Stop saying random computer terms.

‐ Oh, I have to take this.

‐ No!

‐ Hey, Madison.

Jules, you're coming with me tonight.

‐ Coming with you to what?

‐ It's finally happening, an event for
my own client where I'm running point.

And out of everyone in my life,
I want you by my side.

You don't want me by your side.

I don't even want me by my side.

If I could attend large social events
without me, I would.

‐ It is the biggest night
of my professional life

and you're gonna be there.

It starts at 7:00, dress is formal casual.

‐ Those things are opposites.

Well, what are you wearing right now?

‐ Jeans and a top.

‐ Are you doing that thing where you
call a sweatshirt a top?

‐ No.
‐ You're coming.

Text me when you're on your way.

If there's a single animal product
in those puff pastries,

I will burn this place to the ground.

‐ Behind these doors awaits
a spectacular array of options,

but what will Jules end up doing tonight?

The choice is in her hands
on America's favorite game show...

Should She Go Out?

‐ Here's the deal, Jules.

You can go to this stressful
weeknight work party with Madison,

or you can choose whatever's behind
door number one!

Ooh!

‐ Um...

Okay, I'll take door number one.

‐ Let's see what she's got.

Oh, tough break!
‐

‐ Behind door number one is Amelia,

a girl Madison meets tonight
and replaces you with

as her new best friend!

‐ But don't worry, Jules,
we'll make you another deal.

You can keep Amelia or take a gamble

and see what's behind door number two!

‐ Um...

well, Amelia sounds like
kind of a setback for me,

so... door number two.

‐ Oh, bad luck!

‐ Looks like door number two
is a debilitating case

of the fear of missing out!

‐ Are any of these good options?
- Don't worry, Jules.

We'll make you one more deal.

You can stick with the FOMO

or check out what's behind
door number three!

‐ Number three! Number three!

‐ I mean, none of these are prizes‐‐
‐ Door number three!

Oh, congratulations, Jules!

Behind door number three

is an all‐expenses‐not‐paid trip

to accompany Madison

to her weird vegan chef party!

‐ Wait, so I still have to go? I‐‐
‐ That's all the time we have, folks.

Tune in tomorrow to see if a woman
attends the baby shower

of a former coworker's second kid on...

Should She Go Out?

Woo!

‐ I'm torn.

Do we start by uploading the scent
for Tidal Climax Algae Bloom

or Tidal Climax Red Tide?

‐ It's a legitimate Sophie's Choice.

‐ Just to reiterate:
100% impossible either way.

‐ I wanna retry them
and jot down more of my thoughts.

‐ Oh, Alison threw away all the pens.

‐ Uh, you guys noodle on that.

Thank you so much
for bringing me clothes.

There's no way I'd get out
of here in time to change.

‐ Oh, my God. Are you kidding?
I love a good before‐and‐after.

I brought everything I already had
in my car.

Tahoe last weekend.

Roller disco a few nights ago.

Third date.
Think I might end it.

Madison specifically picked me to go

to this big work event tonight with her,
and I'm supposed to look nice.

‐ Wait, the vegan chef book launch?

She invited me to that yesterday,
but I said I couldn't go.

‐ Wait, Madison invited you first?

‐ Okay, that was supposed to be a secret,
so don't tell her that I told you.

But it's fine that I told you,
because we're all such good friends.

‐ If it's okay that you told me,
then why can't Madison know I know?

And why aren't you going?

‐ I'll tell you, but it's a secret,
so you can't tell Madison.

‐ Can't tell Madison
like you couldn't tell me?

Or can't tell Madison
like I actually can't tell her?

‐ The former.

The latter.
Wait, can you tell me them again?

‐ Why couldn't you go?
‐ I said that I had food poisoning, okay,

but I'm really going to a secret party
at Joey Lawrence's house.

‐ Wait, the fact that you're going
is a secret?

Or the entire party is a secret?

‐ Both. Joey's having a group
of his closest friends over

to announce that he's dying.

‐ Oh, God, that's awful.

‐ I know, it's super tragic,

but, you know, if it's gonna be
his last party ever,

I feel personally obligated
to have an incredible time.

‐ Wait, how do you know Joey Lawrence?

‐ Well, there's this group
of Hollywood brothers,

like the Jonas Brothers,
the Hemsworths, the Lawrences‐‐

they all get dinner once a month.
I bartended for them once.

Oh, and the Hansons.
They are wild.

‐ I guess I just feel a little funny
keeping secrets from Madison‐‐

And I am not wearing the boa.
‐ Of course not.

I don't think you should ever
keep secrets from friends.

Except for the times where it is
extremely important that you do.

‐ And you know the difference how?
‐ You know, it's like,

when you're at a concert
and a stranger offers you drugs.

You should have to kind of feel out
if it's a good idea in the moment,

with really high stakes
if you get it wrong.

‐ Oh, my God.
Party in the girls' room.

Hey, if either of you guys
wanna join me tonight,

I'm going to watch Pearl Harbor
and then Serendipity

to test my theory that
Kate Beckinsale's aging in reverse.

‐ Um, well, I have to go
to a work party with Madison.

‐ Fun. I love costume parties.

Are you going too, Stella?

‐ Uh, I have this other thing
I have to make an appearance at.

‐ I feel like "It Girls" always have
to make an appearance at something,

like you apparate from event to event
like a very chic ghost.

Have you ever thought about that?

‐ You come at people with
kind of an intense energy, don't you?

‐ That's so funny,
that's what my last few therapists

have said before
they suddenly move away.

It's like every time I get a new one,

they get a once‐in‐a‐lifetime opportunity
to move to a remote country

and do therapy for the underprivileged.

‐ Well, you know what,
I find you absolutely...

‐ Whatever it is, I promise I can change.
‐ ...fascinating.

‐ Oh, my God, you do?

‐ Yeah. I mean,
you're unsettling in a way

that gives me an adrenaline rush
and I kind of love it.

You should come with me
to this weird party, what do you think?

‐ Eh... yes.
‐ You're not afraid of death, right?

‐ What?
‐ Cool.

‐ Oh, my God, I have to pee so bad.

‐ You're here!

You look like a sexy eggplant,
but you're here!

‐ How's it all going?
‐ Stressful.

I took my eye off Chef Hallie
for two seconds

and found her hiding
in the bathroom housing a Slim Jim.

Apparently she still stress‐eats meat
from time to time,

and now I have a purseful
of confiscated jerky.

Oh, that bitch loves a kielbasa.

Look, I have to handle this,

then I'll be back and I want us
to make the rounds together.

Don't move!

What are you doing?
‐ You told me not to move.

‐ No. I meant mingle.

But, like, stay close.

‐ Okay. You can do this.

Just... jump into a conversation.

They're just terrifying people
that you can't relate to.

So, do you like... veganism?

‐ I'm from Wisconsin.
State religion is cheese.

‐ Oh, yeah, I had
a bison burger for lunch.

I'm just here 'cause my friend
is PR for the chef.

I'd probably feel guilty about it,

but I hear Chef Hallie's
a closet carnivore herself.

‐ Really?
‐ Oh, yeah.

Huge meat freak.

‐ Well, I'm gonna make the rounds.
It was nice talking to you.

‐ Yeah.

‐ Jules!
‐ What?

‐ Where did you go?
I wanted you to meet my boss.

‐ Mm. I've been here,
just talking with some guy.

‐ I really need your support tonight.
‐ I'm being supportive.

I'm eating a crab cake
made from hearts of palm.

‐ Guess I just expected you to be
a little more excited that out of everyone

I know to come with me
to this huge life event, I picked‐‐

‐ Stella. You picked Stella.

Okay, she wasn't supposed to tell me
and I wasn't supposed to tell you,

but she told me and I'm telling you;
I know you invited Stella first.

‐ Well, you guys are wrong
'cause I actually invited Colin first.

‐ You're trying to prove a point
by telling me you invited me third?

‐ Look, I'm sorry, okay?
I was stupid to think he'd come with me.

‐ Wait, Colin, like
secret‐doctor‐boyfriend Colin?

Why wouldn't he come?

‐ He moves under the radar right now
and there's a ton of press here,

so he's just gonna meet me after, but...
I didn't wanna come alone.

‐ Do you wanna talk about it?
I mean, I know

I'm just coming back into your life,
but whatever it is, you can tell me.

‐ Okay, fine, but you
have to keep it a secret.

‐ I will, I promise.

‐ He's...

older.

‐ That's it?
‐ Yeah, he's older,

so we're not ready
to tell people we're together yet.

‐ Well, how much older?
Like Keanu Reeves older

or like "fought in the Civil War" older?

‐ Just older.

‐ It doesn't seem like that big of a deal,

but if you wanna keep it private...

‐ Hey, thanks for the tip on the T‐Rex.

‐ What does he mean "tip," Jules?

That guy's a huge
food and culture reporter.

‐ Well, shit.

‐ How could you do this to me, Jules?
This is my job.

Secrets between friends
are supposed to be secret.

‐ I didn't realize that was a secret.

‐ That a vegan chef eats meat?

What did you think it was,
just a career‐destroying fun fact?

‐ Oh, was bringing me
to a big social event a bad idea?

I wonder how either of us
could have seen this coming.

‐ Oh, that is such a cop‐out, Jules.

You wanted to be friends again,
and this is a part of it.

Coming to events, keeping secrets.
I confided in you, that means something.

‐ I know that it means something.

I'm not really sure
what that something is,

but I acknowledge it sounds
like progress when you say it.

‐ Okay, the only way to stop this guy
from running the story

is to feed him a better story.

Only problem is,
it's a totally dead Tuesday,

and our friend who always knows
something crazy going on

currently has her head in the toilet
from bad sushi.

What? What do you know?
Your eyes widened.

‐ What? No they didn't.
They're the same size they've always been.

‐ Jules.
‐ Secrets between friends
are supposed to be sacred?

‐ Yeah, that only applies
when I'm talking about me.

‐ It's not gonna happen.

‐ A trade.
‐ Better than this?

‐ How do you feel about the exclusive
to a secret celebrity party

at Joey Lawrence's house?

‐ Thanks, but no thanks.
‐ To announce that he's dying.

‐ Whiskey, neat.

‐ Yes. Whiskey, same.

That's my order, too.

‐ Thank you.

‐ Oh... Oh, my God.

It tastes like Don Draper and gasoline.

Can I have a vodka soda with 17 limes?

‐ Are you okay?
‐ Yeah. What?

No. Here's the thing.

You're so cool and fabulous
and interesting,

and I am... just like this.

‐ The reason why you find me
interesting is

because I don't put it all
out there like you do.

Like, my parents were
backup dancers for Madonna,

who fucked once on a flight to Tokyo
and then split up before tour was over.

I don't tell people that
because it's tedious and boring.

‐ Holy shit, that's like the most
interesting thing I've ever heard.

My parents met at a Brookstone,
both reaching

for the same
glow‐in‐the‐dark shower radio.

‐ Okay, how about for tonight you don't...

you know, share as much?

People like a mystery woman.

‐ Okay, yeah, I get it.

Like when a non‐famous girl
gets photographed with a celebrity

and then the caption reads,

"Orlando Bloom pictured
with mystery brunette."

‐ You're kind of like
if drugs were a person.

‐ Here you go.
‐ Oh, my God, thank you.

‐ Oh, shit, my boss wants
to know where I am.

‐ I'm gonna need quotes.
‐ Okay, you go do your job.

I promise I will never talk to anyone
about anything ever again.

I swear on Turtle's life. Turtle's my cat.
‐ I don't care.

‐ I bet you're wondering
what I'm thinking about.

‐ Oh. Sorry, I'm just trying
to charge my phone

and you're standing
in front of the outlet.

What's your name?

‐ I don't have one.

‐ Okay.

Do you live in L. A.?

‐ Does anyone live in L. A.?

‐ You know, eight percent
is probably fine.

‐ Hey, Jules.
You want a hit of this?

It's mint papaya with just
the teeniest amount of opium.

‐ Ooh, no thank you.

So, don't be mad, but Madison's here.

‐ Jules, I told you not to tell.

‐ I know, I kept your secret, but then
I accidentally told another secret,

which was actually
Madison's client's secret,

so to trade secrets,
I had to tell your secret...s.

‐ Well, this is gonna be a cluster fuck.

You know, in retrospect,

it is with incredible foresight
I got this high.

‐ You think Madison's really gonna be
that mad that you lied?

‐ No, she's not gonna be mad.

She's gonna have a panic attack.

This is a magic show.

‐ Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!
Madison is terrified of magic.

Remember that guy who was doing
card tricks at Katie Hathaway's graduation party?

‐ Yeah. He asked her to pick a card
and she punched him in the face.

It was hilarious.

‐ Wait, I thought you said this party
is because Joey's dying.

‐ No, he is.
He's obsessed with magic.

So he got this famous illusionist
to do this insane trick

where they stop his heart
for three minutes.

‐ Oh. Well, I'm relieved he's not dying
of a terminal illness

but rather of a fake
magic‐induced heart attack.

‐ I honestly don't understand why she's
so freaked out by magic, anyway.

‐ Um, not being in control
of what's happening,

not being told what's going on,
being deceived intentionally.

‐ Wait. Those are all the things
that Madison hates.

‐ Okay, no more hookah for you.

‐ How the fuck am I supposed
to guess your name?

There's like 10 trillion fucking names.

‐ Izzy, have you seen Madison?

‐ I fucking hate parties in the Hills.

‐ You guys have no respect
for what I'm trying to do here.

Let's just go.

It's what you wanted. Hmph.

‐ Oh! Uh, uh...
We can't go over there.

Why not?

‐ It's a... I can't believe
I'm going to say this word...

secret.

‐ Seriously?
‐ I swore on Turtle's life
I'd never tell another secret.

‐ Honey, he's a cat,
he has nine of them, so just tell us.

‐ I think that's Madison's
doctor boyfriend.

‐ She said his age is the reason
they're keeping their relationship private

and that they were planning
on meeting up after her event.

‐ I mean, maybe he came early because
he doesn't have that much time left.

He looks like my rabbi
and Kurt Russell had a baby,

but like a Benjamin Button baby.

‐ God, we can't let her freak out
in front of all these people.

‐ Fuck this, I'm going in.

Madison?

‐ Guys, not now.

‐ Sorry to interrupt your intimate moment,

but, um, we just need to borrow her
for a second.

‐ One second.

Stella.

‐ Jules.
‐ Madison.

‐ Izzy. Sorry.
No one said my name.

‐ What do you guys want?

One of you doesn't tell me anything
and one of you can't keep her mouth shut.

‐ Okay. Fun, angry energy coming from you,

but we need to take a second
for an announcement.

‐ What?
‐ This is a magic show.

‐ N‐No, it's not.

All right, here we go.

‐ Ladies and gentlemen,
in a matter of moments

I will electrocute Mr. Lawrence
until his heart,

tracked by this monitor, stops.

‐ It's been great knowing you, everyone.
I'll see you on the other side.

I love you all.

Now, I want to be clear here.

This is not an illusion.

This is really happening,

and it is an extremely dangerous stunt.

She doesn't look so good.

Madison, honey, maybe we should go.

‐ I can't feel my legs.

‐ Start the clock for three minutes.

Joey Lawrence is officially dead.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, oh, my God.

Okay. She's out.

‐ Wha‐What's going on?

‐ Thank God you're here.
She needs your help.

With‐with the reporter?
‐ What? No, she fainted.

‐ I can see that.

‐ Well, do something.
‐ Do you want me to call 911?

‐ Why would you call 911?

‐ Because she fainted.
‐ But you're a doctor.

‐ I'm not a doctor, I'm a publicist.
‐ I thought she was dating a doctor.

‐ I'm not dating her.
I'm Madison's boss.

I came here to help her
with some reporter.

‐ Then maybe you should call 911.

‐ She's alive!

‐ Oh, no, not Joey, just this girl.

Awww!

‐ Sometimes it can stop
for three minutes and 30 seconds.

Perfectly normal.

Nobody panic, we're just gonna
try it again here.

‐ Come on, Jo‐Jo!

‐ Shit.

‐ Oh, fuck!

‐ I can't believe we just saw
Joey Lawrence go into cardiac arrest.

‐ Magic should be illegal.

‐ Please stay calm, everybody.

Thanks for coming to my party.

Please join me inside
for coffee and cake!

‐ Holy shit, that was incredible.

‐ Told ya.

‐ I can't believe you thought
my boss was my boyfriend.

‐ You said he was old.

‐ I said older, not old. He's 45.

‐ Okay, that's not a big enough
age difference

for this to be such a problem.

‐ Is this a keep or a tell?

‐ Look, okay, the secret is not
that Colin is older,

it's...

it's that he's married.

Separated, divorced practically.

They were already broken up
when we met,

but they haven't finalized
the papers yet,

and his lawyer said it's best
that he lay low with his dating life

until the ink was dry
so as to not rock the boat.

‐ Madison, wow.

Look, they don't have any kids,

so things won't get ugly.

I just... don't want people, you know,
getting the wrong impression of him.

Or me.

‐ Does it feel better to tell us?

‐ Oh, God, you have no idea.

‐ I feel better, it's not even my secret.

Not that I anticipate my life
getting interesting enough

to hide any aspect of it, but...

I vote all secrets be
temporarily suspended.

Among this group of people, at least.

‐ Even her?

We can trust her.

I mean, we know she elaborately lied
about her identity

to everyone we've worked with
for the last several years.

‐ Works for me.

‐ Um...

Just gonna take this.

Jeremy?

Ew, no. It's Ramona.

‐ Oh.

Um... Oh, sorry, I missed your calls.

This came up as your brother's number.

Oh! Our dad roped us all
into this new family plan thing,

and now that keeps happening.

Anyway, I wanna talk to you
about my wedding.

‐ Yeah, um, I'm sorry
I haven't reached out sooner.

I'll return the bridesmaid's dress
and everything.

I don't want you to return it.

I still want you to be in it.

‐ Wait, really?

Jeremy is being an idiot.

You've been like family
the last five years.

More than that, I consider you a friend.

‐ Well, that's... that's really sweet,
but, um... I... I don't know.

I mean, if it's too hard for you
to be around my brother,

I totally understand.

I'll just tell him you're uncomfortable
or you're just not over it yet.

‐ Oh, no, no... no, no, no.
Don't tell Jeremy I'm not over it.

I am... I am totally over it.

‐ It'll be great.
Besides, the wedding

is still a few months away
and guys like my brother

tend to come to their senses
about these things.

I really want you to be there.

Say you're still my bridesmaid, please?

‐ I'm still your bridesmaid.

Yay! Okay.

Now we have to start planning
my bachelorette party. Eeee!

‐ Eeeee.

‐ Who was that?

‐ I'm in a wedding in a few months.

It was just the bride
giving me some details.

‐ Whose wedding?

‐ My... cousin's.

‐ Hey, thanks again for the lead.

‐ Signed copy of the Vegan Monologues
will be in the mail tomorrow.

‐ Check Twitter.

‐ "Joey Lawrence, technically dead,

pictured here with brown‐haired guest."

Wow.

That's almost a mystery brunette.

‐ You guys, I did it!

Yay!

Whee!