All language subtitles for snatch-yify-english[1]

TURKISH:
My name is Turkish.

Funny name for an Englishman,
I know.

My parents to be were on the same plane
when it crashed. That's how they met.

They named me after
the name of the plane.

Not many people are
named after a plane crash.

That's Tommy.

He tells people
he was named after a gun.

But I know he was really named after
a famous 19th century ballet dancer.

Known him for as long as I can
remember. He's my partner.

Doesn't mean we hold hands
or take walks.

What it really means is I try to keep him
out of as much trouble as he inflicts on me.

I give him a hard time.
Keeps him in check.

But really, he's like my brother.

What do I know about diamonds?
I'm a boxing promoter.

I was a happy boxing promoter
until a week ago, and then:

What do I know about diamonds?

Don't they come from Antwerp?

JOSEPH:
Himy, would you listen to this?

HIMY:
Do we have a choice?

MUTTI: A lot of it wasn't
meant to be taken literally.

It's a nice story, Adam and Eve.

It's bound with moral fiber,

but asking a grown man
to believe it?

[BEEPING]

GUARD:
What is it?

Well, what is it?

MUTTI: What you want I
should do, drop my pants?

GUARD:
Okay, go through.

JOSEPH:
It's a nice story.

MUTTI:
It's just that. Just a story.

Catholic religion is based
on a mistranslation.

MIMY: Enough already. Ruben,
will you say something?

MUTTI: Listen to this. Are you
busy? I'll tell you the whole story.

The Septuagint scholars mistranslated
the Hebrew word for "young woman"

into the Greek word
for "virgin. "

It was an easy mistake
to make

because there was only a subtle
difference in the spelling.

So, they came up
with a prophecy:

"Behold, the virgin shall
conceive and bear us a son. "

You understand this? It was the word
"virgin" that caught people's attention.

It's not every day a virgin
conceives and bears a son.

MUTTI: But leave that for a
couple of hundred years to stew

and next thing you know you have
the Holy Catholic Church.

JOSEPH: Oy vay, what are you saying?

MUTTI: I'm saying, just
because it's written

doesn't make it so.

Gives them hope. It's not really
important whether it's fact or fiction.

People like to believe.

JOSEPH:
I don't want to hear any more.

Anyway, who is it
that we're seeing?

MUTTI: Michael.
MAN 1: Hello?

Mutti.

MAN 2: Rudy! Rud, Rud,
let them in, please.

Rud, it's okay,
let them through.

Michael.
MICHAEL: Mutti.

You have kept us waiting for half an
hour. Are you trying to give me heartburn?

Mutti. Mutti?

[OVERSEER'S
"SUPERMOVES" PLAYING]

Lie down on the floor.

Get on the floor!

Lie on the floor!

Get on the fucking floor!

Get down!
Get fucking down!

Down on the floor! Get down!

On the ground!

Get down, I say!

Time.
HIMY: Seven minutes!

Where is the stone?

Where is the stone?

Where is the stone?

Michael, where is the stone?

[KLINT'S
"DIAMOND" PLAYING]

When does
your plane leave?

Twenty minutes.

Give me your gun.

When you get to London,

if you want a gun,

call this number.

Boris.
TURKISH: Boris.

He can get you anything
you need.

Is he allowed
to do that?

It's an unlicensed boxing match.
It's not a tickling competition.

These lads are out
to hurt each other.

What's happening with
those sausages, Charlie?

Two minutes, Turkish.

Look at it. How am I supposed
to run this thing from that?

We're gonna need
a proper office.

I want a new one, Tommy.
You're going to buy it for me.

Why me?

Well, you know
about caravans.

How's that?

You spent a summer in one. Which
means you know more than me.

And I don't want to have me
pants pulled down over the price.

What's wrong with this one?

Oh, nothing, Tommy.

It's tiptop.

It's just I'm not sure
about the color.

It's all arranged.
You just got to pick it up.

Here's an address.

It's a campsite.

You've got 10 grand, and it
would be nice to see change.

What's happening with
them sausages, Charlie?

Five minutes, Turkish.

It was two minutes
five minutes ago.

They ain't pikeys,
are they?

I fucking hate pikeys.

You're a sensitive boy,
Tommy.

Fuck me. Hold tight.

What's that?
It's me belt, Turkish.

No, Tommy. There's a gun
in your trousers.

What's a gun doing in your trousers?
It's for protection.

Protection from what?

"Zee" Germans?

What's to stop it blowing your
bollocks off every time you sit down?

Where did you get it?
Boris The Blade.

You mean Boris the sneaky,
fucking Russian.

Heavy, isn't it?

BORIS:
Heavy is good.

Heavy is reliable.

If it doesn't work,
you can always hit him with it.

TURKISH: Boris The Blade,
or Boris The Bullet-Dodger.

As bent as the Soviet sickle and
hard as the hammer that crosses it.

Apparently, it's just impossible
to kill the bastard.

Back to my partner, Tommy.

Tommy runs the other business,

the slot machines,

which keeps rain off our heads
and gloves on Gorgeous' hands.

However, Tommy's a little preoccupied
with protection at present.

All right, I'll take it.

There's a reason for Tommy's
newfound enthusiasm for firearms.

Sooner or later, in the unlicensed boxing
world, you have to deal with that reason:

Brick Top.

If that's not worth a bet,
I don't know what is.

He doesn't look bad, does he?
No, he looks great.

He'll do you proud, governor.

BRICK TOP: You reckon that's what people
should do for me, Gary? Do me proud?

It's what you deserve,
Mr. Pulford.

Pull your tongue out
of my arsehole, Gary.

Dogs do that.

You're not a dog, are you, Gary?

No. No, I'm not.

However,

you do have all the
characteristics of a dog, Gary.

All except loyalty.

It's rumored that his favorite means
of dispatch involves a stun gun,

a plastic bag, a roll of tape
and a pack of hungry pigs.

You're a ruthless little cunt,
Liam. I'll give you that.

But I got no time
for grouses.

[LIAM GRUNTING]

Feed him to the pigs,
Errol.

What the fuck are you
two looking at?

If you got to deal with him, you just
make sure you don't end up owing him.

Because then you're in his debt.

Which means, you're in his pocket.

And once you're in that,
you ain't ever coming out.

BRICK TOP: I hear he's a
good fighter, so I'll use him.

I'll be doing you a favor, boy.

What he means is,
I'm doing him a favor.

Because everybody knows nobody
takes a dive in my fights. Unlike his.

Here, Errol, I don't think
he likes me.

You don't like me,
do you, boy?

Don't know what you mean.

I do know I can't wait to get
out of here. Fuck me, it stinks.

I like my fights to finish prompt so we
can get out before the authorities find out.

Play your cards right
and I'll sort you out.

You can sort me out
by showing me out.

It's hard to make a living in the
boxing world, so every now and then

you gotta do something that might
not agree with your principles.

Basically, you have to forget
you got any.

Are they Lancashire pigs?

Who the fuck is talking
to you, boy?

Oh, yeah, Tommy.
Brick Top loves Tommy.

Don't let me down.

You don't want to let
me down, do you, boy?

See you ringside.

Boris,
Franky-fucking-Four Fingers

has a diamond the size
of a fist.

I have told you it's in the
briefcase connected to his arm.

I sent him to you
to buy a gun.

What more do you want me
to do, hit him for you?

But don't you hit him either.

Americans can't know
it was Russian.

It will come back to me.

[IN RUSSIAN]
So, what should I do?

Boris, you're my brother,
so think like my brother!

Get somebody else
to steal that stone!

I don't want it getting
back to me.

And don't have him killed.
It will raise suspicion.

So don't use idiots
for the job.

He'll stay in London only for a couple
of days before he goes to New York,

so move quick. Okay?

One more thing.

It might help.

He loves to gamble.

Eighty-six karats?

FRANKY:
Brilliant cut, beautiful make.

Clean, no fluorescence.
A beautiful stone.

AVI:
You're a good boy, Franky.

A good boy. And you did a real
good job. Now when do you get back?

I got to move the two-grainers here,
and get a better price. Couple of days.

Talk to my cousin Dougie.
Doug The Head?

Yeah, Doug The Head.

And Franky...

And what?
Stay out of those casinos.

["VIVA LAS VEGAS" PLAYING]

You did a good job, bubbe.

Don't go screwing it up, all right?
I hear you, Avi.

I'll see you, Avi.

Eighty-six karats.

Where?
London.

London?
London.

London?
Yes, London.

You know, fish, chips,
cup of tea,

bad food, worse weather,
Mary-fucking-Poppins. London!

No, Paulie,
that ain't for me.

That's Doug The Head.
Everybody knows Doug The Head.

If it's stones and it's stolen,
he's the man to speak to.

Pretends he's Jewish.

Wishes he was Jewish.

Even tells his family
they're Jewish,

but he's about as Jewish
as he is a fucking monkey.

[CELL PHONE PLAYING
"HAVA NAGILA"]

He thinks it's good for business.
And in the diamond business

it is good for business.
Avi!

He'll be there today.
Take care of him, will you?

Avi, you know
I won't buy schtrops.

He isn't selling schtrops.
Make it smaller.

Who do you take me for?
This is England.

We play by the rules.

Listen to me.

If the stones are kosher,
then I'll buy them, won't I?

Now, if you'll excuse me,
it's my lunchtime. Bye.

What are you doing here?

It's a free country, isn't it?

Well, it ain't
a free shop, is it?

So fuck off.

I want to see you two girls
up in my office.

I just had cousin Avi
on the phone.

You got to go see him.
Yeah, Dad. You told us.

He's a big mucker in New York.
Yeah, Dad. You told us.

I want to see you two girls
up in my office.

Yeah, Dad. You told us.

The weight is sign of reliability.

I always go for reliability.

I'll take it.

How much do you want for it?

Nothing.

Okay, so what do you
want for it?

I want you to do
something for me.

Hmm.

There is a fight
in couple of days.

What kind of a fight?

Unlicensed boxing.

Aha.

There is a bookies I know
that will take bets.

["VIVA LAS VEGAS" PLAYING]

If you place one
down for me,

we will call it quits.

Why don't you put it down yourself?
Well,

there is not too many bookies
that takes those kind of bets.

And I already have an
outstanding debt with the house.

I know something most don't.

So, nu?

What do you know?

MAN: It's a campsite. A pikey campsite.

Ten points.
What are we doing here?

We're buying a caravan.
Off a pack of fucking pikeys?

What's wrong with you?
This will get messy.

Not if you're here.

Oh, you bastard.

I fucking hate pikeys.

KID:
That's a flash car, mister.

Not as flash
as your bike, is it?

Who are you looking for?

TOMMY:
Mr. O'Neil.

Want me to get him?
That's a good lad.

Piss off.

Are you going to go get him for me?
Yeah.

What are you waiting for?
The five quid you'll pay me.

Fuck off, I'll find him meself.

KID: Two fifty.
TOMMY: You can have a quid.

Oh, you're a real
tight fucker, aren't you?

Now, there was a problem
with pikeys, or gypsies.

What're you doing?
Get out of the way, man.

You can't really understand
much of what is being said.

You Tommy?
Come about the caravan?

Mr. O'Neil.
Fuck, man. Call me Mickey.

It's not Irish, it's not English.

How are you?
Weather's been kind.

It's just, well... It's just Pikey.

Fuck me. Would you
look at the size of him?

How big are you?

Hey, kids, how big is he?
Big man, that's for sure.

Hey, Mam, come and look
at the size of this fella.

Bet you box a little, can't you, sir?
You look like a boxer.

Get out of the way, Mickey.
See if they'd like a drink.

I could murder one.

Be no murdering done around
here, I don't mind telling you.

MICKEY:
Get your hands out of there.

Cup of tea for the big fella?
Come on.

Don't be silly, Mickey.
Offer the man a proper drink.

You little bugger.

Is the big fella not coming with us?
No, he's minding the car.

What does he think we are, thieves?
No, nothing like that.

He just likes looking after cars.
Good dags. Do you like dags?

Dags?
What?

Yeah, dags.
Dags. You like dags?

Oh, dogs.

Sure, I like dags.

I like caravans more.
You're very welcome.

[GRUNTING]

Now, pikeys are well-known for their
skills of negotiation in business.

It's probably the reason
they talk like they do,

so you can't follow
what's being said.

But if Tommy can get the caravan
for less than the price asked,

on his return
there will be ice cream waiting.

Good dog,
good family.

He'll get a little homesick,
but he'll get over it.

See you later, lads.
See you, boss.

All right, Mickey. Laters.

I don't see what
the fuss is about.

They aren't bad fellas.

[CRASHING]

[WHIMPERING]

The deal was, you bought it
how you saw it.

Now look, I've helped you as
much as I'm going to help you.

See that car?
I suggest you use it.

You should fuck off now while you
still got the legs to carry you.

Nobody-
Nobody brings you

unless they're trying to say
something without talking, right, boy?

Sorry, Mickey, just give our money
back and you can keep your caravan.

Why the fuck do I want a caravan
that's got no fucking wheels?

You want to settle this with a fight?
Over my dead body.

Now, go on! Go on!

I'll not have you fighting! You
know what happens when you fight!

Get her to sit down.

For fuck's sake!

Want the money?
I ain't fucked you.

I'll fight you for it.
You and me.

[MEN SHOUTING]

So that's the kind
of fight it'll be.

GORGEOUS GEORGE:
You want to stay down.

You want to stay down!

Get back down
and fucking stay down.

I promise you,
you want to stay down.

Deadly kick for a fat fucker,
you know that?

Cheeky bastard.

Okay, lads.
DARREN: Get him on his feet.

GORGEOUS GEORGE:
Get back down

or you will not be coming up
next time.

Bollocks to you.

This is sick. I'm out of here.

You're not going anywhere,
you thick lump.

You stay until the job's done.

[THE STRANGLERS'
"GOLDEN BROWN" PLAYING]

It turned out that the sweet-talking,
tattoo-sporting pikey

was a gypsy bare-knuckle
boxing champion.

Which makes him harder
than a coffin nail.

Right now that's the last thing
on Tommy's mind.

If Gorgeous doesn't wake up
in the next few minutes,

Tommy knows he'll be
buried with him.

Why would the gypsies
want to go to the trouble to explain

why a man died in their campsite?

Not when they can bury the pair
of them and just move camp.

It's not like they got
social security numbers, is it?

Tommy, "The Tit,"

is praying.

And if he isn't,

he fucking should be.

[THE SPECIALS'
"GHOST TOWN" PLAYING]

Bad Boy.

Sol.
BAD BOY: Easy.

SOL:
No, it's a moissanite.

A what-anight?

A moissanite is an artificial
diamond, Lincoln.

It's Mickey Mouse, mate.

Spurious.

Not genuine.

And it's worth

fuck-all.

Bad Boy, I keep telling you,
stick to being a gangster.

Leave this game to me
and Sol.

Laters.

[DOG WHIMPERING]

What is that, Vince?

This is a dog, Sol.

You are not bringing
that thing in here.

What's your problem?
It's only a fucking dog.

Where'd you get it?
The gyppos.

Here.

They threw it in
with a load of moody gold.

You know gyppos, Sol. They're
always throwing dogs in with deals.

Well, it better not
be dangerous.

And what do you think
you're doing now?

I want him to get used
to the shop, don't I?

[DOG BARKING]

Stop the dog!

Come back here!

All right, Boris?

Don't worry about the dog.
I'm not.

What can I do for you, Boris?

I have a job for you.

I already have a job.

Fifty grand
for half a day's work.

Go on.

I want you to hold up a bookies.

Ah... From Russia
with love, eh?

I have stones to sell,

fat to chew and many different men
to see about many different ducks,

so if I am not rushing you...

Slow down, Franky, my son.
When in Rome.

I am not in Rome, Doug.

I am in a rush.

I got to make the bookies.

Bookies?

What are you betting on?
Bomber Harris.

The unlicensed boxer, right?

Do you know something
that I don't?

Bubbe, I probably know
a lot you don't.

[DOUG CHUCKLING]

[10 CC'S "DREADLOCK
HOLIDAY" PLAYING]

He's bad to the bone,
ain't you, Tyrone?

Of course I am.

Tyrone will drive for us. He's
done a rally driving course.

Of course I have.

I don't want that dog
dribbling on my seats.

Your seats?

Tyrone, this is a stolen car,
mate.

While I'm at the
wheel, it's my car,

so stop that dog dribbling
on my seats. All right?

I can't believe you found it.
Where'd it go?

It went straight back
to the gyppos.

Oh, shut up.
And how could it find them?

Well, I don't know.
I'm not a dog, Sol.

Ask him.

It's like he's a fucking
homing beacon or something.

Steady on the brakes.

Fuck me, I thought you
said he could drive, Sol.

Listen, don't worry about me. Just
worry about that dog on my seats.

All right?

[LEATHER CREAKING]

[DOG WHIMPERING]

Hey.
What?

I thought you said he was a getaway
driver. What the fuck can he get away from?

Don't worry about Tyrone.
He can move when he has to.

Just worry about getting us
a gun, yeah?

Yeah?

What's that?

This is a shotgun, Sol.

It's a fucking
anti-aircraft gun, Vincent.

I want to raise pulses, don't I?
You'll raise hell, never mind pulses.

TYRONE: That does not
look like a bookies.

Why'd we stop here for? What's the
matter with that space over there?

It's too tight.

Too tight?

You could land a
jumbo-fucking-jet in there.

Leave him alone. He's a
natural. Ain't you, Tyrone?

Of course I am.

A natural fucking idiot.
Tyrone, what've you done?

Yeah, Tyrone,
what have you done?

Look, you hassle me,
you see what happens.

It's all right.
No, don't move it now.

People'll see the damage.
Why'd you do that?

I didn't see it there.

It's a four-ton truck, Tyrone. It's not
like it's a packet of fucking peanuts, is it?

It was at a funny angle.

[DOG GROWLING
AND WHIMPERING]

It's behind you,
Tyrone.

Whenever you reverse,
things come from behind you.

Control that dog
as well.

Get that dog off him.
Get it off me.

Give me that squeaky toy.
It shut him up last time.

Don't snatch.

He can't swallow
the whole ball.

Yeah.

[SQUEAKING]

Why the fuck

did you put Gorgeous George

into a bare-knuckle boxing match

two days before
he had to fight The Bomber?

He was half his size.
I didn't expect him to get hurt.

You put the man into
a bare-knuckle boxing match.

What the fuck
did you expect?

A grease-down
and a shiatsu?

Who took the jam
out of your doughnut?

You took the fucking jam
out of my doughnut, Tommy.

You did.

You said get a good deal.

I fail to recognize
the correlation

between losing 10 grand,
hospitalizing Gorgeous,

and a good deal.

How're we gonna explain this
to Brick Top?

That his fight isn't gonna happen?

We replace the fighter.

Oh, and hope he
doesn't notice?

And who the fuck are we gonna
replace him with?

What about John The Gun?

Or Mad Fist Willy?

You're not Mr. Current Affairs,
are you, Tommy?

Mad Fist went mad,

and The Gun shot himself.

Jesus.

What?
Let's use the fucking pikey.

How much you gonna pay us?
10 K.

Me bollocks. Lose more than
that running for the bus.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

All right.

I'll do it for a caravan.

A what?

ALL:
A caravan.

MICKEY: Top of the range and all that.
It was us that wanted a caravan.

Anyway, what's wrong
with this one?

It's not for me.
It's for me ma.

Your what?

ALL:
His ma.

Brick Top runs an illegal bookies.

They take bets on anything
that involves blood and pain.

Now I'm changing fighters,

and Brick Top's gonna
exploit the situation.

He's gonna pull my pants down,
grease me up,

and aim for penetration.

If I didn't have
the replacement pikey,

he'd want to split me in half.

They could charm the paint
off walls, these fellas.

Look mean now,
you hairy fucker, won't you?

[DOG BARKING]

Shits himself when
you put him in the ring.

Poke him with a stick,
you watch his bollocks grow.

Do you like a dog fight,
Turkish?

We've lost Gorgeous George.

Shh...

You're gonna have
to repeat that.

We've lost Gorgeous George.

Well, where'd you lose him?

He ain't a set
of fucking car keys, is he?

And it's not as if he's
incon-fucking-spicuous, now is it?

We're not backing out.

You bet your bollocks to a barn
dance you're not backing out.

We're changing the fighter.

Oh, fuck me, your lady
friend got a voice?

And who might you be changing
him to, sweethearts?

You won't know him,
but he's mustard.

Mustard?

I don't care if he's
Muhammad "I'm Hard" Bruce Lee,

you can't change fighters.

Look, you've still got your fight.
No.

I lose all bets at the bookies. You
can't change fighters at the last minute.

So, no, I don't have my fight,
do I, you fucking prat?

You can take bets
at the fight.

Put a lead on her, Turkish,
before she gets bitten.

And you don't want to get
bitten, now do you, sweethearts?

Make sure your man
goes down in the fourth.

You understand me now,
don't you, Turkish?

This is the one place
I didn't want to be:

In his debt.

Which now means
I'm in his pocket.

You're on thin fucking ice,
my pedigree chums.

And I shall be under it
when it breaks.

Now, fuck off.

[DOG BARKING
AND WHIMPERING]

[PHONE RINGING]

AVI: Doug, where's Franky Four Fingers?

DOUG: I don't know, Avi. I'm not
his mother. But I'm seeing him later.

AVI: When later?
Well, he said he wanted cash.

So he's coming back
after he's been to a fight.

A fight?

What do you mean? What do you
mean, a fight? A boxing match?

Is there gambling involved?
It's a boxing match, Avi.

Did he have a case with him?
Yes, he had a case.

And this schmuck is gambling?

You're talking about Franky "I've got a
problem with gambling" Four Fingers, Doug.

Avi, I'm not telepathic.

Well, you're plenty fucking
stupid, I'll give you that.

Do you have any idea why they
call him Franky Four Fingers?

No, I have no idea.

Well, because he makes stupid
bets with dangerous people.

And when he doesn't pay up,
they give him the chop, Doug.

And I'm not talking about
his fucking foreskin either.

Avi, I'm sure he can pay.

Not with my goods, he isn't. You got
a toothbrush? We're going to London.

Do you hear that?
I'm coming to London!

Avi!
Shut up and sit down, you bald fuck!

I don't like leaving
my own country, Doug,

and I especially don't like leaving it
for anything less than warm, sandy beaches

and cocktails
with little straw hats.

We've got sandy beaches.

So who the fuck
wants to see them?

I hope that you can appreciate the
concern I have for my friend Franky.

I'm gonna find him, Doug, and
you're gonna help me find him.

And we're gonna start
at that fight.

[SQUEAKING]

How am I gonna
get it out?

It will probably
cough it up.

Do you think he'll
be all right?

I hope not.

TYRONE:
Look, are we gonna rob this bookies?

SOL:
Yes, big man.

What are we waiting
for anyway?

SOL: We are waiting for a man with
four fingers, carrying a briefcase.

And why's that?

Because the deal is, the Russian
gets the case, we get the money.

What's in the case?

Oh, for fuck's sake, Tyrone, just
concentrate on the steering wheel.

Jesus.

Private night tonight, chaps.
I'm well aware of that, my son.

That's why we're here.

Well done.
This is the back way in.

Oh, really?
I thought it was the front.

Private night tonight,
chaps.

We know. That's exactly
why we're here.

Tickets.

Are we ever gonna get
into this place, huh?

Avi, Avi,
you gotta understand.

This ain't exactly Vegas,
and this ain't exactly legal.

I'm not looking for Vegas,
and I'm not looking for legal.

I'm looking for
Franky-fucking-Four Fingers.

I know that, and he
said he's gonna be here.

Well, if there's gambling
involved, he'll be here.

MAN:
Let's not have a fuck-up.

You won't let us down,
will you?

He's going down in the fourth,
don't you worry about that. Peter.

[DOG SQUEAKING
AND WHIMPERING]

Oh, is that him?

I don't know. How many
fingers did he have?

I'm sorry, I didn't get
the binoculars out in time.

Look, let's not stand on ceremony,
mate. Let's start the show.

[MACEO AND THE MACKS' "CROSS THE
TRACKS (WE BETTER GO BACK)" PLAYING]

Do you know who
this bookies belongs to?

Look, if you know what's good
for you you'll give me everything-

VINCENT:
Ah!

Vince, what are you
doing up there?

VINCENT: What does it look
like I'm doing up here?

This is starting to hurt,
Solomon.

SOL:
Drop the screen now.

[VINCENT GROANING]

How you doing, Vince?

I'd do a lot better if
you'd stop using my name.

Fill that bag.
All bets are off.

I am not in here
to make a fucking bet.

Appreciate it,

but all bets

are

off.

If all bets are off, then there
can't be any money, can there?

I ain't fucking buying that.

Well, that's handy because I ain't
fucking selling it. It's a fact.

What have you got?

Nothing, really.

A few coins, but no notes.

[SCREAMING]

Show me your hands.

You've got five fingers.

Copper coins.

What do you mean,
copper fucking coins?

It won't open because
it's a security door.

Hold that.

Ah!

Fuck.

My leg.

What are you moaning about?
It didn't even touch it.

[ALARM BEEPING]

We're fucked.

What the fuck are
you two doing?

SOL:
Get us out of here, Tyrone.

Tyrone, what are you doing?
Get us out of here!

Who the fuck
is this man, Tyrone?

He's a man with four fingers
and a briefcase, Vinny.

[DOG WHIMPERING
AND SQUEAKING]

In the red corner

we have the young
and unchallenged...

So, Mickey, you're going down
in the fourth. Is that clear?

Just make sure he doesn't
kill me before the fourth.

So give it up
for the bone-crunching

one-punch machine gun,

Mickey!

[MEN BOOING]

And in the other corner...

Now, I know he looks
like a fat fucker-

Well, he is a fat fucker, but
he's dirty and he's dangerous.

Bomber "The Mad Man" Harris!

Now, try and look
like a fighter.

Let's get ready

to rumble!

[BELL RINGING]

Do you realize I've just dumped
fucking forty grand down you?

What's the fucking crack?

I'll make it up to you.
I ain't fucking happy.

I'll make it up to you,
I promise. Stand on me.

Oh, that fucking pikey's
put me in it.

Well, thanks for the tip,
Brick Top.

Listen, you fucking fringe,
if I throw a dog a bone,

I don't want to know
if it tastes good.

You stop me again whilst I'm walking
and I'll cut your fucking jacobs off.

Ah!

He's here.
Well, you explain it to him.

What you doing with him?
The case was attached to his arm.

So why didn't you
chop it off?

Why?
We ain't fucking butchers, Boris.

But he has the case.

Look, we
- Well, you have a problem.

What?

There weren't much cash
at the bookies.

Oh. Okay.

Here is the 10 grand.

No. Keep it.
We want this.

Well, at least
half of this.

What was
in the case was mine.

What was in the bookies
was yours. Okay?

Well, it wasn't much, but here is
the 10 large to help the situation.

No, I'm afraid
it's too late for that.

We want half of this, and that's
because we're being generous.

I mean, we could, by all rights,
keep the whole fucking stone, Boris.

Watch out!

Drop the gun, fat boy.

You fucking idiots. He
could not know my name.

Give me the stone.

It's in the case.
What?

It's in the case.

You put the stone in the case?

Then open it
and give me the stone.

The only man who knew the
combination, you just shot.

[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]

Now, it's not too clever to hang
about after Mickey's performance.

Brick Top, in short, will be looking
to kill Tommy, Mickey and myself.

I know he's looking for us,
but I don't have a choice.

I'm happy to leave the country,
but I need money to do so.

But any money I have is in the safe,
which is in the office.

Once I have that, it's-

Oink, oink.

Shit.

So that's where
you keep the sugar.

What brings you two here?
Run out of pants to sniff?

That sounds like hostility,
doesn't it, John?

And we don't like hostility,
do we, Errol?

No, we don't, John.

Hey.

I just had them polished.

Go and put the kettle on.

You take sugar?
No, thank you, Turkish.

I'm sweet enough.

[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]

He is now your problem.

Okay?

You can keep the 10 grand,
along with the body,

but if I see you again,
you motherfuckers...

Well, look at him.

I've got a bare-knuckle fight
in a couple of days.

I want to use the pikey.

All right. Of course.

Of course, fucking of course.

I wasn't asking, I was telling.

But this time...

I do want him to go down
in the fourth.

And I do mean it, this time.

Now, I know you come
back here to open your safe.

So now you can open it.

He's been a busy
little bastard, that Turkish.

I think you've let him get away
with enough already, governor.

It can get you in a lot of trouble,
thinking, Errol. I shouldn't do so much of it.

Right. That takes
care of one little piggy.

Now find me the silly sods
who blagged the bookies.

Find them today.

[DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE]

Top of the morning
to you, Mrs. O'Neil.

Tommy.

You're a snake in the grass, ain't
you, Tommy? Where'd they come from?

You're looking for
my boy, are you?

TURKISH: Do you know
where I can find him?

Yeah.

Don't suppose you'd like to share
that information with me, would you?

I don't want you getting my boy
into any trouble. Do you hear me?

He's my only boy.
And he's a good boy.

He's coursing.

What's coursing?
Hare coursing.

They set two lurchers-
They're dogs, before you ask.

On a hare.

And the hare has
to outrun the dogs.

So, what if it doesn't?

Well, the big rabbit
gets fucked, doesn't it?

Proper fucked?

Yeah, Tommy.

Before "zee"
Germans get there.

BRICK TOP:
Do you know these tits, Errol?

ERROL:
I know a lot of tits, governor...

but I don't know any quite as
fucking stupid as these two.

John?

JOHN:
I can't help, guv.

Ah, Tyrone.

ALL:
You silly, fat bastard.

Well, do you want to do it?

MICKEY: That depends.
On what?

On you buying
this caravan.

Ah, not the rouge one.
The rose.

It's not the same caravan.
It's not the same fight.

It's twice the size
of the last one.

Turkish, the fight
is twice the size.

And me ma still
needs a caravan.

And I like to look after me
ma. It's a fair deal. Take it.

Mickey, you're lucky we aren't worm
food after your last performance.

Buying a tart's mobile palace
is a little fucking rich.

I wasn't calling your mum a tart.
I just meant...

Eh, save your breath
for cooling your porridge.

Now look, she wants
a hack with two roof lights...

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

Right. And she's terrible partial
to the periwinkle blue, boys.

Have I made myself
clear, boys?

Yeah, that's perfectly
clear, Mickey. Yeah.

Just give me one minute
to confer with my colleague.

[CHATTERING]

Did you understand a single
word of what he just said?

[LAUGHING]

I'll tell you what
I'm gonna do.

[DOG BARKING]

Fucker.

I'll bet you for it.

You'll what?
ALL: He'll bet you for it.

What, like Tommy did last time?
Do me a favor?

I'll do you a favor.

You have first bet.
If I win, I get a caravan,

and the boys get
a pair of them shoes.

[CHUCKLING]

If I lose...

oh, fuck it,
I'll do the fight for free.

TURKISH: Now the last thing I
really want to do is bet a pikey.

However, I don't really
have much of a choice.

Somehow I've got to get
him to fight, but if I lose...

Well, I don't even want
to think about losing.

Okay. I reckon
the hare gets fucked.

What? Proper fucked?

[ALL LAUGHING]

You got that, London?

MAN:
We're on!

[MARWAIS'
"DISCO SCIENCE" PLAYING]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Okay, I'll fucking tell you!
Get those off me.

I'll tell you
who robbed your bookies.

Periwinkle blue.
Bye, boys.

Who's proper
fucked now, then?

There's something
very wrong with this.

It was us that wanted
to buy a caravan off of him.

Well, why didn't you "bust a
cap in his ass" then, Tommy?

Mind you, you'd do more
damage if you threw it at him.

What? You saying
I can't shoot?

Oh, no, Tommy. I wasn't
saying you can't shoot.

I know you can't shoot.

What I was saying is, that six-pound
piece of shit stuck in your trousers there

would do more damage
if you fed it to him.

You saying the
gun don't work?

You tried it?

[GUN CLICKS]

Whoops.

I want to see that
sneaky fucking Russian.

What has he got a tea
cozy on his head for?

To keep his head warm.

What happened to him?
He got shot in the face, Lincoln.

I thought that was obvious.

What'd you do that for? Did
you mistake him for a rabbit?

What do you want me to do about it?
Sort it out.

I'm not a fucking witch doctor.
But you are a bad boy yardie.

And bad boy yardies are supposed
to know how to get rid of bodies.

I create the bodies,
I don't erase the bodies.

[DRILL BUZZING]

Looks like
we're in, governor.

Goody gumdrops.

Get us a cup of tea,
would you, Errol?

Grab hold of his legs.

What do you think I'm gonna
grab him by, his fucking ears?

[SOL, LINCOLN AND
VINNY GRUNTING]

Hope this is not
a bad moment.

[THUDS]

Do you know who I am?

I do.

Good. That will save me
some time, then.

Well, I don't.

You're always gonna have problems
lifting a body in one piece.

Apparently, the best thing to do

is cut up a corpse into six pieces
and pile it all together.

Would someone
mind telling me,

who are you?
[DOOR OPENS]

And when you got your six
pieces, you gotta get rid of them

because it's no good leaving it in the deep
freeze for your mum to discover, now is it?

Then I hear the best thing
to do is feed them to pigs.

You gotta starve the pigs
for a few days,

then the sight of a chopped-up body
will look like curry to a pisshead.

You gotta shave
the heads of your victims

and pull the teeth out

for the sake of the
piggies' digestion.

You could do this afterwards,
of course,

but you don't want to sieving
through pigshit, now do you?

They will go
through bone like butter.

You need at least 16 pigs to
finish the job in one sitting,

so be wary of any man
who keeps a pig farm.

They will go through a body
that weighs 200 pounds

in about eight minutes.

That means that a single pig

can consume two pounds
of uncooked flesh

every minute.

Hence the expression

"as greedy as a pig. "

Well, thank you for that.
That's a great weight off me mind.

Now I mean, if you wouldn't mind
telling me who the fuck you are,

apart from someone who feeds
people to pigs, of course.

Do you know what
"nemesis" means?

"A righteous infliction
of retribution

manifested by an
appropriate agent. "

Personified, in this case,
by a horrible cunt:

Me.

Gentlemen...

[PEOPLE CHATTERING
INDISTINCTLY IN DISTANCE]

Why can't you find
me Franky, Doug?

Avi, what do you want me to
do? I'm not a bounty hunter.

What about Tony?
You know, Bullet-Tooth Tony.

[MADONNA'S "LUCKY
STAR" PLAYING]

Who's Bullet-Tooth-?
Tony!

You silly fuck.

He's a liability.

He'll find you Moses and the
burning bush if you pay him to.

You are gonna die, Tony!

He got shot six times,
had the bullets molded into gold.

[GUNSHOTS]

I shoot you, you go down!

Yeah, he's got two in his teeth that
Dad did for him, so he loves Dad.

[GUNSHOTS]

Why don't you fucking die?

He's the best chance
you got of finding Franky.

Six times?
[GUNSHOT]

In one sitting.

You're in trouble now.

Well, that sounds promising.
What are we waiting for?

[BOBBY BYRD'S "HOT PANTS (I'M COMING,
I'M COMING, I'M COMING)" PLAYING]

[RINGING]

Bonjour.

What have you got to tell me
that's so fucking important?

SOL: Mr. Pulford, why do you
think we've got a dead man

missing an arm in our office?

Talk to me, tell me.

Four days.
You give us four days

and I will get you a stone the size
of a fucking home. I kid you not.

What do you think, Errol?

ERROL: I think we should drip-dry
them, governor, while we got the chance.

[MEN GRUNTING]

It was a rhetorical
question, Errol.

What have I told
you about thinking?

You got 48 hours.
Yeah.

You can keep that silly, fat
wanker. The lads can't lift him.

Forty-eight hours.
After that it's your family

and the pigs finish
what the dogs don't do.

So, what should I call you? Should
I call you, uh, "Bullet"? "Tooth"?

You can call me "Susan"
if it makes you happy.

Tony, there is a man
I'd like you to find.

That depends on all the elements
in the equation. How many are there?

Forty thousand.

Where was he last seen?

At a bookies.

Bookies?

Pass us the blower, Susi.

The bookies got blagged last night.
Blagged?

Speak English to me, Tony.

I thought this country
spawned the fucking language,

and so far, nobody
seems to speak it.

Blagged, robbed.

We're gonna go and see a man that
looks like he might know something.

I need a gun.

You don't, Rosebud, me
old son. You need me.

I got fucking black ink
all over fuck boy, mate.

He's stained for fucking life.

Okay, that and the golden teeth as well.
Fucking hell, mate. You should have seen it-

TONY:
All right, Mullet?

How you doing, Tony?
You all right, mate?

Oh, nice tie.

I heard you weren't about
that much these days, Tone.

What do you know? Still warm, the
blood that courses through my veins.

Unlike yours, Mullet.

I wanna know who blagged
Brick Top's bookies.

Do me a favor, Tone.
I will do you a favor, Mullet.

I'll not bash the living fuck out of you
in front of all your girlfriends here.

Gonna make it worth my while, mate?
Jesus, Tone, you know how it is, man.

[GAGGING]

Comfortable, Mullet?
[WHIMPERS]

Seems sadly ironic, it's that tie
that's got you into this pickle.

Now, you take all
the time you want, mate.

[ENGINE TURNS OVER]

What the fuck
you doing, Tone?

Driving down the street with
your head stuck in my window.

What you think
I'm doing, you penis?

Well, don't, Tone.

You been using dog shit
for toothpaste?

Slow down, Tone.

Slow down, Tony!

I don't think so.
I think I'll speed up.

Play some music if you like.
Ahh!

[MADONNA'S "LUCKY STAR"
PLAYING ON RADIO]

Oh, I love this track.

I want to know who blagged
Brick Top's bookies.

[MULLET GAGGING]

Yes, Mullet?

I think it's two black guys that work
from a... In a pawnshop in Smith Street.

Better not be telling
me porky pies.

I'm fucking tell you, it's two black guys
work out of a pawnshop on Smith Street.

It's very effective, Tony.

It's not too subtle,
but effective.

Are we taking him with us?

[COUGHING]
[THUD]

SOL:
It's the Russian.

A Russian?

Well, to be technical he's
an Uzbekistanian, but...

Uzbekistanian? I've been dealing
with those sneaky Russian dogs.

Give me a name.
Yurinov.

Boris.

Boris The Blade?
Yeah.

As in Boris
The Bullet-Dodger?

Why do they call him
The Bullet-Dodger?

Because he
dodges bullets, Avi.

TURKISH [ON PHONE]: He won't fight
unless we buy his mum a caravan,

and you nicked all our savings.

In the quiet words of the
Virgin Mary, come again?

He's a stubborn bastard. He said
he's got to look after his mum.

Are you taking the piss?
TURKISH: What can I do?

I can't make him do it, can I?

You're not much good
to me alive are you, Turkish?

[PUNCHING AND
GRUNTING IN DISTANCE]

He's a useless shite, that boy.
Punish him for me, Errol.

I want that pikey to fight.

[GLASS SHATTERING]

[MASSIVE ATTACK'S
"ANGEL" PLAYING]

[GRUNTING]

TURKISH: Brick Top thought
smashing up our arcade

might help me
to persuade Mickey to fight.

And if that wasn't enough,

he thought it would be
a good idea

to burn Mickey's mum's caravan.

While she was asleep in it.

Turkish, get your arse up.

You lot,

follow me and I'll
fucking shoot you.

Calm down, son.
Behave yourself.

I've got the gun, son. I think
it's you who should behave.

[GUN COCKS]

What?

You want to see
if I've got the minerals?

TURKISH:
Jesus.

Sorry, Mickey.

ODid you do it?

Then what are you sorry for?

DARREN: What the fuck
are you still doing here?

Darren, come back!

You got some tars on you.
Fuck off, Darren.

Fuck off!
Darren!

TURKISH:
How silly do I feel?

His mum is still smoking
next to us,

and I'm asking him to fight.

I'll do the fight before he
causes any more carnage.

And if he'd said no,

it could've been
a shite sight worse.

AVI:
Russians.

[CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS]

Russians.

I should've known.

Anti-Semite,
slippery Cossack sluts.

What do you know
about this goyim?

Ex-KGB cancer.

He was a highly trained
undercover agent.

He'll be impossible
to track down.

[PHONE RINGING]

Yeah.

SUSI [ON PHONE]: There's a strange man
who wants to sell us an 84-karat stone.

Where does he come from?
I don't know. Hard to tell.

He's got a thick Russian accent.

Well, what was I supposed to do?
He set the dogs on me. Look.

That sneaky fucking Russian!
No wonder he didn't want to do it.

First things first. One of us...

Tyrone, you get around to the Russian's.
The second you see him, you give us a call.

Now.

He's a right handful,
this fella, so watch out.

I hate Russians.
I'll take care of him.

TONY: He's all yours, Rosebud, old son.

Not a problem.

You're gonna have
to get me to a doctor.

Shoot that fuck!
Yeah, yeah.

Then, get me to a doctor.

Okay, yeah, yeah. But first
we get the stone, Rosey.

First the stone. And then
I'll get you to a doctor.

And not just any doctor, boychik. I'm
gonna get you to a nice Jewish doctor.

Find my friend
a nice Jewish doctor!

TONY: Get his keys and find
out exactly where the stone is.

I think that you got
something to tell us.

Easy. Take it easy,
Rosebud.

Oi. Do you want him
to be able to talk or not?

What the fuck do
you mean, replicas?

They look the shit, don't they?
And nobody is gonna argue.

And I've got some extra
loud blanks, just in case.

In- Oh, in case we have
to deafen them to death?

[PHONE RINGING]

SOL: Yeah.
Boris is here.

We're coming over.
You hold him there.

TYRONE:
Hold on!

He's not on his own!

SOL:
We're off.

Very industrious
for a Cossack.

Sneaky fucking Russian.

So, where is he, Tyrone?

It's not just he. Three
fellas went in the house.

They locked Boris
in the back of the car.

Why didn't you tell us that?

Oi. Did they look hard?

They looked messy.

Hey, come on.
Let's get out of here.

What do you want to do
about the Russian?

I want you to bury him.

All right.

I think we should
get you a new gun.

But this time, try it.

How far to the Russian's?

We'll be there
in a minute.

VINNY: Well, come on, then.
Uh-uh. Not so fast, Vinny.

We can't take them now.
We're gonna have to follow them.

You shouldn't drink
that stuff, anyway.

Why? What's
wrong with it?

It's not in sync with evolution.
Shut up.

How do you wanna
get rid of him?

Well, do you want to shoot him?
It's a little noisy, isn't it?

Well, do you want to stab him?
Well, it's a little cold-blooded, isn't it?

Do you want to kill him or not?
I'll cut him. I got a blade.

There. That's the spirit.

Do they fire?

Of course they fire.

Yeah. But how do you know?
I mean, they're replicas.

What do you know
about replicas?

[GUNSHOT]

VINNY:
Whoa!

What the fuck are
you doing, Solomon?

Well, you wanted to know
whether or not they worked.

I didn't mean try it in the car,
Sol, you arsehole!

[TYRONE SCREAMING]

What are you gonna do
with that, pick his teeth?

Wipe the butter off
and put it away.

Look, there's a proper
blade back there.

Cows have only been domesticated
in the last 8000 years.

Before that, they were running
around as mad as lorries.

The human digestive system hasn't
got used to any dairy products yet.

Well, fuck me, Tommy.
What have you been reading?

Let me do you a favor.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[CAR CRASHES]

Whoops.

You. Want a knife?

Me? Oh, no, not me. I wouldn't
know what to do with it.

It's a knife, for God's sake.

What have you used to keep
your fork company all these years?

The sharp side, a blunt side.
What do you want, a lesson?

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[CRASHES]

[BORIS GRUNTING]

[BORIS SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]

[GRUNTING]

Is that Boris?

[TYRONE SCREAMING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[CRASHES]

[WHIMPERING]

Oh, Tyrone,
what have you done?

What about Rosebud?

Well, you can bring him
with you if you like.

But which bit would you like to bring?

VINNY: They're getting out.
SOL: Hold on.

Get down
and follow them.

TONY:
Cover yourself up, Avi.

You're making a scene.

I'm sorry for causing
a scene, Tony.

Whoa, you are not taking
that dog with you, Vince.

Well, I can't leave
him in here, can I?

Pint of the black stuff, landlord.

I thought you wanted to get
cleaned up. Bathroom's back there.

He's left the door open.
Shouldn't think that's a good idea.

Should we go in?

I don't want to go in there.
He's a dangerous bastard.

Taken too many disco biscuits
in the heat of Russian disputations.

He's got as many of these
nuts as he has those nuts.

I don't care if he's
got fucking hazelnuts.

I want a gun that works,
and I'm gonna tell him.

My God, Tommy, you
certainly got those minerals.

Well, come on, then,
before "zee" Germans get here.

You just tell him
who's in charge.

[BORIS SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]

Uh, Boris-

[GRUNTING]

You certainly told him, Tommy.

[CHUCKLES]

[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]

The Drowning Trout.

Come and pick us up.

And Doug...

sharpish.

I don't want a fuss and I don't
want to put a bullet in your face,

but unless you give me exactly what
I want there will be fucking murders.

What's your name?

Shoot him.

TONY:
Ooh.

Let go of the gun!

So, you're obviously
the big dick,

and that, on either side
of you, are your balls.

There are two types of balls:

There are big brave balls, and there
are little mincey faggot balls.

These are your last words
so make them a prayer.

Your dicks have drive
and clarity of vision,

but they're not clever.

They smell pussy and they want
a piece of the action.

And you thought you smelled
some good old pussy

and have brought your two
little mincey faggot balls along

for a good old time. But you've
got your parties muddled up.

There's no pussy here,

just a dose that'll make you wish
you were born a woman.

Like a prick,

you're having second thoughts.

You're shrinking.

And your two little balls
are shrinking with you.

And the fact that you've got "Replica"
written down the side of your gun...

and the fact that
I've got "Desert Eagle. 50"...

written on the side of mine...

should precipitate

your balls into shrinking,
along with your presence.

Now...

fuck off.

[THE SPECIALS'
"GHOST TOWN" PLAYING]

Lock the door.

Lock it!

SOL:
Oh!

Give me the case.

Fuck you.

Shoot me.

I will. I'll shoot you.

[SHOUTING IN DISTANCE]

Pass me case
or I shoot you.

You know what?

Fuck you too.

Go ahead and shoot me. You'd be doing
me a favor, you Russian fuck. Go ahead!

You! Drop guns.

Fuck you!

You drop your gun!

Okay.

TONY:
Avi...

pull your socks up!

[TYRONE GRUNTING]

Tyrone?
Fuck it. We're out of here.

Give me case.

[GRUNTING]

Avi...

where's the case?
AVI: Put the gun away.

TONY:
What's Boris doing here?

Boris, what are
you doing here?

BORIS:
Fuck you!

Where's the case?

BORIS: You piece of crap.
Don't take the piss, Boris.

BORIS:
I'll show you.

BORIS:
Fuck you!

BORIS:
Almost had it.

For fuck's sake.

Fuck you and all.

[GUN CLICKS EMPTY]

You lucky bastard.

Jeez, it's flawless.

Don't get attached to it.
It's going to Brick Top.

Leave the dog here.

Sol, why don't we just leave?
Because life's too short, Vincent,

and it'll get a lot fucking shorter
if Brick Top wishes it to be.

Now leave that dog here.
I'm gonna leave the dog here.

Don't worry about it!

And if that pikey mutt does
any damage, you're gonna pay.

[DOG WHIMPERING]

It's okay.

Sit down. Down.

[BARKS]

VINNY: I don't want to go in
there. You'll never see me again.

SOL:
Well, we won't if you don't.

All right, you give
me the stone,

and I will give it
to Brick Top. Yeah?

All right. Give me
a minute. It's a bit fiddly.

What is it doing down there?

Well, I put it down there
in case we got mugged.

You ain't from this planet,
are you, Vincent?

Who is gonna mug two
black fellas holding pistols,

sat in a car that's worth less
than your shirt?

Bullet-Tooth Tony and his
friend, Desert Eagle. 50.

What have they got to do
with anything?

They're both staring
straight at me.

TONY: You should never underestimate
the predictability of stupidity.

Now, out of the car.

And leave your
water pistols behind.

Look, just- Just tell him the
stone's back at the office.

I'll think of something.

TURKISH:
Why's he sweating, Gorgeous?

[GRUNTING]

Oh, never mind.

Tommy, why is your skin leaking?

I'm a little worried, actually, Turkish.
Worried about what?

What happens if the gypsy knocks
the other man out?

I mean, he's done it before,
hasn't he?

We get murdered before
we leave the building,

and I imagine we
get fed to the pigs.

Well, I'm glad to see you're
climbing the walls in fucking anxiety.

Pardon my cynicism,
but I don't exactly trust the pikey.

Don't think I haven't thunk
about that one, Tommy.

It's his mum's funeral tonight.
God bless her.

TURKISH: You know those
gypsies like a drink at a wake.

I'm not worried about whether
Mickey knocks the other man out.

I'm worried about whether Mickey
makes it to the fourth fucking round.

TOMMY: Well, what if he doesn't
make it to the fourth round?

We get murdered before
leaving the building,

and I imagine we get fed
to the pigs.

So why are you so calm?

I said-
I heard what you said, Tommy!

It's not as though we've
got a choice, now, is it?

You show me how to control
a wild fucking gypsy

and I'll show you how to control
an unhinged, pig-feeding gangster.

Bollocks!
I'm going for a walk.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Oh, that fucking dog!

Go on, get the dog.

It's a bit funky in here, isn't it?
Open a window.

[DOG BARKING]

You people
live like animals.

Now, where's the stone?

Come on, where is it?
It's over here.

Where? Where?
I left it in a box.

It's empty.

I'm getting heartburn.
Tony, do something terrible.

VINNY:
No, I'm being serious!

The dog. The dog
must have ate it.

[WHIMPERS]

Now then, let's have a look,
shall we? Tony.

What?
Look in the dog.

What do you mean,
"look in the dog"?

I mean, open him up.

It's not a tin of baked beans.
What do you mean, open him up?

You know what I mean.

That's a bit strong, isn't it?

I don't know about this.

No, you can't do this.

[BARKING AND SQUEAKING]

It's fucking squeaking!

What's the matter? You never heard a dog
squeak before? Give me that goddamn gun!

I'm shooting the dog!

[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

Shoot the fucking dog!

VINNY:
Look, it's here. It's here.

[DOG BARKS AND HOWLS]

You sneaky fucking bastard.

[SIGHS]

Thank God for that.

[BARKS]

[GUNSHOTS]

I hate fucking dogs!
Come on, Tony.

Tony, come on!

Tony?

MAN: Anything to declare?
Yeah. Don't go to England.

[BELL RINGS]

VINNY: That dog is gonna go
back to the campsite, Sol.

I'm telling
you. It always does.

How's the dog gonna
find the campsite, Vin?

Have you smelled
the campsite, Sol?

All right. But we're gonna
have to wait until it gets light.

And we have to get rid
of these bodies.

That one over there with the tea
cozy on his head's starting to stink.

Right. Let's stick them in the car,
and then go and look for a pig farm.

Mickey.

Oi, Mickey!

You feeling all
right, Mickey?

[GROANING]

MICKEY:
Need a drink.

You can't give him a drink!

It's not for him.
It's for me.

Ah, mates. Amen.

He's a hard bastard, this Good Night Anderson,
so pay attention to what you're doing.

All right, Mickey?

[SNORING]

Mickey!

Need to have a shite!

If you see the pikey, Turkish or
his girlfriend come out before me,

shoot the bastards.

Well, come on.
We got a fight to go to.

[CHATTERING]

All right, Tom.

Hope we're gonna get
a better show this time.

This will make up for it.

Mickey's going
down in the fourth.

Now, Terry over there
is in charge of the bets.

Now, you have
to forgive me.

I'll forgive you
if he goes down this time.

Are our lads down at the campsite?
They're over there now, governor.

I fucking hate pikeys.

MAN: How long have we gotta stay here?

As long as it takes.
Now, shut up.

Fucking hate pikeys.

Is he fucking stoned?

He's like that
before a fight.

Do you know when
you're going down?

Of course he knows
when he's going down.

Oi, fuck-face, who's speaking
to you? He asked him, didn't he?

Fuck-face?
I like that one, Errol.

I'll remember that next time
I'm climbing off your mum.

Not now.
Gonna be a tragedy of a fight.

Be a nice one. Nice one.
Hell of a way to be a war.

And there none of yours.

[LAUGHING]

There's a campsite full of pikeys that
might not think you're so fucking funny.

Not when they're putting out
flames on their children's backs.

Now get up and have
a fucking fight.

[PEOPLE SHOUTING AND
CHEERING INDISTINCTLY]

MAN: Three rounds and you're
a vegetable, aren't you, pikey!

I'm in charge here. No
fucking about, no eye-gouging.

Do your worst.
Let's get it on!

[GRUNTING]

[AUDIENCE
SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

What the fuck's going on?
You gonna finish him or what?

[OASIS' "FUCKIN' IN
THE BUSHES" PLAYING]

[BELL RINGS]

Talk about saved by the bell.

Do you understand the
consequences of what would happen

if you knocked that man out?

TURKISH:
Do not knock him out, Mickey.

All right, let's break it up.

[BELL RINGS]

TURKISH:
What, is he fucking deaf?

What is he doing?

Come on and sit.

What the fuck are
you doing, Mickey?

You're dancing like a fairy.

They'll hang us with the ring
ropes if they think it's rigged.

Get out there and hurt him.

But for fuck's sake,
do not knock him out.

TURKISH:
All he's got to do is stay down.

Now, we are fucked.

[CROWD SHOUTING]

MAN:
He can't stand up.

We're out of here.

TURKISH: Stupid pikey knows
Brick Top's got a dozen

keen-to-kill monkeys
with shotguns

sitting outside his campsite.

[GUNSHOT OVER PHONE]

Once the campsite's wiped out, I
know it's gonna be the same for us.

You ever cross the road
and look the wrong way?

Give me that fucking shooter!

TURKISH: And, hey, presto,
there's a car nearly on you.

So, what do you do?

Something very silly.

[GUNSHOT]

You freeze. And your life
doesn't flash before you

because you're too
fucking scared to think.

You just freeze
and pull a stupid face.

But the pikey didn't. Why?

Because he had plans
on running the car over.

It had previously occurred to me

that the gypsy had taken the
demise of his mother rather lightly.

[GUNS COCKING]

For every action,
there is a reaction.

And a pikey reaction

is quite a fucking thing.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Pete, talk to me.

If you want your friend to hear you,
talk a lot louder than that.

[GUNSHOT]

Give me that
fucking shooter.

I'll give you your shooter,
you cunt.

[GUNSHOTS]

TURKISH: That is when I thought the
pikey had money riding on himself.

That's the reason the bastard never
goes down when he's supposed to.

We've been tucked up...

while he's been cleaning up.

We're worse off now than
when we started.

The next day we went
to the campsite,

but the gypsies had
disappeared during the night.

Which was probably a good thing,

considering they'd just buried
12 people somewhere in the area.

TOMMY:
Where is he?

He ain't fucking here,
that's for sure.

We can't ask a man to fight for
us if we can't find him, can we?

You won't find a pikey that doesn't
want to be found, Tommy.

He could be in a campsite
in Kampu-fucking-chea by now.

Bollocks! Come on.

What you doing here?
What's it got to do with you?

So, what you doing here?

[DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE]

I'm taking the dog for a walk.
What's the problem?

What's in the car?

Seats and a steering wheel.

What do you know about gypsies?

I know they're
not to be trusted.

All right, get your dog.
On your way.

Get the dog, Tommy.

Aye?

The dog.

All right, boy. Come on.
Come on, Daisy. No, Daisy!

He loves that dog.

Always playing silly games.

Stop messing about, Tommy,
and get it in the car. Tommy!

[BARKING]

Good boy. Good boy.
Good boy, Daisy, good boy.

OFFICER:
Could you tell me

why you got a dead man with
an arm missing in your boot?

Hey, George,

is that a tea cozy
on his head?

[DOG SQUEALING]

Oh, you love a dog,
don't you, Tommy?

TURKISH: Tommy persuaded
me to keep the dog.

I eventually agreed,
as long as he took it to a vet.

I couldn't stand
that squeaking anymore.

[DOG WHIMPERING]

TURKISH: The vet found half an
undigested shoe, a squeaky toy

and an 84-karat diamond
lodged in its stomach.

It's quite amazing what
can happen in a week.

[BARKING]

Still didn't shut it up, though.

So, what do you do?

You go see the man that knows
about these sort of things.

So, what do you think?

Do you know anyone
who'd be interested?

I might.

[HUEY "PIANO" SMITH & THE CLOWNS'
"DON'T YOU JUST KNOW IT" PLAYING]

[KLINT'S "DIAMOND" PLAYING]