All language subtitles for The.Meddler.2015.BRRip.XViD-ETRG + EVO

Anyway... today I went
across the street to the Apple Store,

and I got one of the new iPhones
with the 64-gigabytes,

'cause I wasn't sure if I should get
the 16s or the 64s,

but the 64s look good,
so there you go.

The genius bartender showed me
how to make things bigger,

but I already forgot.

God, my eyesight is so shot.

But I got on Google before,
and I looked up my apartment,

and it said they'd filmed The Hills
there for two seasons.

Isn't that neat?

And they used to do the Extra program
at The Grove every day with Mario Lopez.

He seems nice.

And who wouldn't love an outdoor mall?

I can't believe it, me in Los Angeles.

If only Daddy could see me now.

Today they played "Come Fly With Me,"

and I almost started crying,
thinking about him.

But I didn't 'cause, basically,
I feel great.

It's like living on Main Street
in Disneyland.

Every day is sunny,
and I wake up and I think,

"Thank you, Joey,
for making it possible."

I swear, if I get hit by that trolley,
I'll die happy.

Just wait till you see my apartment.

I have a balcony that's far enough away
from other people's balconies,

so nobody could jump down
from the roof or whatever.

And I have a parking spot
next to the elevator,

so I can just run right in there.

And I got everything shipped out
from Jersey,

all my artwork,

the doll I had made of you,

and, of course, the pictures
of me and Daddy in his red car.

God, we had the best times
in that thing.

Anyway, call me back. Love you.

♪ I was here ♪

♪ I lived
I loved ♪

Oh, God...

I brought you bagels.

- You should have called.
- I did.

But I didn't answer.

Oh, I figured you were working
or something.

Say hi to your grand-dogs.

Hi, doggies. How you doing?

Okay. Stay there.

All right, bye.

Six bagels, all salt.

Those are the best kind.

Oh, Lor, you let Daddy's bonsai die.

Oh, yeah. Sorry, Ma.

I tried, but they're, like,
crazy delicate.

It was crazy.

Sorry, Joey.

See, this is why I asked you
not to put me in charge.

You can't just leave someone
with a bonsai and orchid,

and put all this pressure on them.

You let the orchid die, too?

I watered it every day.

Well, Lori, you're not supposed
to water it every day.

Well, I watered it the right amount,
okay?

Please, don't make me
feel any more bad about it.

Okay, forget it.

Oh, what's this?

It's Emily's baby shower.

Do you get to bring somebody?

Why? I probably won't go.

Why not?

Because I'll have to get all dressed up,
and everyone I know will be there.

I thought you gave up smoking.

Cigarettes. You said this was better.

I said it was okay after
your father died when your stomach hurt.

Well, it's after my father died,
and my stomach hurts.

Well, have you heard from Jacob?
You shouldn't call him.

What's going on at work?
Did they call you about the pilot?

You shouldn't be smoking
if you have a deadline.

Mom, don't say "deadline."

Don't say "pilot," and please don't ever
say the word "Jacob" again.

Okay.

I just think you shouldn't call him.

Especially if you have a deadline
for your pilot. Jacob... I mean, I just...

I think we should get you a hobby.

I thought you were gonna volunteer
at the hospital.

Yeah, I've been meaning to do that.

Or maybe you could be my hobby?

And then, you just touch the screen
like that.

Look how you magnified that.
That's gre...

Okay, say you wanna find an address
for a baby shower.

Well, then you just open Safari here,

- and then you type it in.
- Or Google it.

Yeah, you Google it,
and if you ever need it again,

it's right there in your search history.

Oh, my God. Freddy, you are a genius.

It's just a label.

My daughter's a genius,
but she's too old for you.

- How old are you?
- I'll be 23 in October.

Get out of here. October...
That makes you a Libra, right?

So scales, justice...
you're probably very diplomatic.

You should be a lawyer.

Maybe.

You should be. You should.

No, no, no.

I'm not even a candidate for Lasik.

They said they had to slice my eyeball
open and put in a little... a lens.

Well, you should get what I have.
Transitions.

They go from regular glasses
to sunglasses when you walk outside.

And you can get them anywhere.
LensCrafters.

Want me to make you an appointment?

You should try Zillow.

They have a lot of places to rent and...
Or just get advice.

I mean, that's how I found my condo.

Zillow.

What you have to do is have him
tip you upside down.

That's what Joe and I did
to conceive Lori.

- It'll be easy. She's so petite.
- Yeah.

It's another pink bunny!

I love it. What's next?

Is this a baby monitor?

It's from Mrs. Minervini.

What is it?

Oh, my God.

It's an iPad.

What? What?

- Wow. Oh, my God.
- Marnie. This is crazy generous.

Well, I know it wasn't on your list.

No.

But, I was in the Apple store
the other day

and I saw this little Filipino boy,
practically a baby,

and he was playing with one of these...

- I mean, what do you...
- iPad.

iPad, yes.
And then Freddy came over,

and he told me
that you can load in programs...

...like Nemo and Barney's Circus...

- Brilliant.
- Yes.

Brilliant. Marnie, thank you.
This is so nice.

Lori has the best mum ever.

Apart from my mum.
Did you get that down?

- I'm gonna write it down.
- Write it down. Yeah.

Hey, where is Lori?

I think she's working.
She had a deadline.

I mean, a countdown.

Yeah, she said
she'd watch Tehya for me tonight.

Dani and I haven't been able to get
out in, like, a year.

- Oh, I could do it.
- I thought she was out of town.

She told me she was sick.

Well, she was sick. She was.

I'd be sick too with everything
Jacob puts her through.

She's so pretty.
Why can't she just get over him?

Well, he was the last person
to meet her dad.

Oh, yeah, he really loved her dad.

That's tough to get over.

She's not gonna get over him
if she keeps giving him what he wants.

- What does he want?
- Oh, my God!

I'm dying.

What does he want?

It wasn't on the list either.

Marnie? Marnie?

This is Greg's dad.

He came out to help us with the nursery.

- Marnie.
- Hi. Mark.

- He's in town till Thursday, so...
- Yeah.

She's a character, huh?

Well...

So you came out, to see your son?

Yeah, Emily said it was
very important that I come,

but I think I'm just here
to carry gifts.

Yeah. Well, his mother's
not around anymore, so...

My husband died a year ago.

Oh, she's alive.
She lives in London.

But, you know, we're divorced.

Oh, sorry.

Emily tells me you grew up in Brooklyn?

- Yeah.
- Which... which part?

Sunset Park.

I grew up on the corner of 48th
and 7th Avenue, right by the church.

- Get outta here.
- Yeah.

I grew up at 43rd and 4th,
by the other church.

Yeah. We used to go to the public pool
there, before it became a parking lot.

Get out of here,
I went there all the time!

I'll bet we moved in similar circles.

Oh, absolutely. That's crazy.

- Yeah, yeah.
- That's funny.

Hey, you know, before I leave town,

we should go have lunch, you know,
with the girls.

Or, there's this holocaust museum
I've been really wanting to check out.

Have you been to the holocaust museum?

No. It sounds like fun, but I can't.

I really can't
because I've just moved in, you know.

I've got all my paperwork I gotta do,
and, you know...

Plus, I'm volunteering at the hospital,

and I might also be babysitting.

I'm not sure, but it looks
like pretty soon I might be babysitting.

But I've never been so busy.

Okay, so I'm just calling

to tell you that I'm on my way
to the hospital to volunteer.

And so, call me back and, soon,

because once I get in there, then,
I mean, I'll be in there

and you won't be able to reach me. So...

Oh, and did I tell you
about this new Beyoncé song?

Listen to this.

Yeah? Right? So, anyway, yeah.

So call me soon
because once I get in there,

then you won't be able to reach me.
Okay.

So, bye. Call me.

...discovered in the
Angeles National Forest within ten miles

of where the skeletal remains
were found.

Police suspect this could be the work
of a serial killer that's been targeting

young women in the area since 2005.

Well, we've got dangerous
riptides in Malibu.

What do you need to know if you're
headed to the beach this weekend?

Well, it may be sunny...

Lor?

Lori?

Don't you bring your mail in anymore?

Lor.

Lori?

You're not bringing the mail in?

Jesus.

Mom! You have to ring the doorbell.

But I've got the key.

Well, what if I had company?

You mean like Jacob?

Who told you that?

Your friends at the baby shower.

Mom, please don't talk to my friends,
okay?

And you're not supposed to go as a
"plus one" if there isn't a one to plus.

But you never told me
if you were going or not.

Oh, did you get my message
about the serial killer?

The guy that's going all around Southern
California targeting young women?

Well, we should be fine, then.

Well, I was thinking that we should
get a system in place where

every time you're leaving the house,
you call me,

and then you text me when you're home.

That's crazy.

Well, I just mean until, you know,
until they catch the guy.

And if you run into him,
you know what you're supposed to do.

It's, like, eyes, throat, crotch.

Crotch.

Mom, maybe you shouldn't drop
around here all the time.

But I barely see you anymore.

Well, you know,
I've got a ton of work to do, so...

...you know,
it requires a lot of research.

I'm just saying,

I'm not in the position
to be very entertaining right now.

I don't have any good stories.

Is there anything you wanna talk about?

Didn't you hear what I just said?

What I need right now is to write.

Okay?

This is my office.

This is my desk.

These are my co-workers.

If I was in a real office,
you wouldn't come in and sit on my desk,

and pet my co-workers, would you?

No?

I've been talking to my therapist
about this, and...

I think it's time that we...
set some boundaries.

Sure.

Yep.

I get it.

You need to write...

and I need to...

get out of your office.

But you don't have to leave right now.

No, it's fine. It's fine. I don't want
to be crossing anybody's boundaries.

I don't know.
She seems so angry all the time.

You've been seeing her for a while.
Has she always seemed so angry?

And I just, I don't...

I don't want her to hurt herself
or anything.

I mean, does she talk to you about that?

I'm not saying that I want to know
what she says.

I'm just saying that
if she talks to you about stuff,

I hope she talks to you
about that stuff,

and that you talk to her
about that stuff,

and that you make sure
she doesn't hurt herself or anything.

And, you know, maybe also tell her
to stop smoking so much grass.

I know she's in...
some stage of grief or something, but...

- And what about you?
- What about me?

How do you feel?

Well, I feel she should find some other
way to feel better besides marijuana.

No, I mean how do you feel
since your husband died?

Oh...

Well, of course I feel sad.

But I don't think I'm as stressed
as Lori,

because I don't have to worry
about my career or money.

Because Joey, God bless him,
he set me up for life.

So I can do...

I can do anything.

I mean, like, when I go
to an action movie, I get three tickets,

one for me, one for Joe,
one for my mother.

And I don't even have to think about it.
I don't have to worry about it.

I spend...
a lot of time by myself.

And, well, there are a lot of hours
in the day

and so sometimes I don't know what to do
with them, and I call Lori...

but she...

Well, she doesn't...

She doesn't want my advice or anything.

I mean, I have nothing...

important to say.

But basically, I feel great.

I love my apartment.

You can't beat this weather.

And who doesn't love The Grove?

I mean, it's like living on Main Street
in Disneyland.

Anyway, call me and let me
know you got in safe.

Oh, and remind me to tell you
what your therapist said.

...very little information about the
message left behind by the serial killer

who is asking to be called
the "Red Ripper."

It's so good to see you
out of the house,

and on such a nice occasion.

Pretzel bread!

Reminds me of my father...
Well, pretzels.

So good.

So, listen, Mom,

I have to go to New York for a few weeks
to shoot the pilot.

New York? Why?

Well, 'cause the show is set there,
so it's, it's actually good,

but I'm not gonna be reachable
for a few weeks,

like, at all.

Like, somebody else is gonna be
holding my phone for me.

But I was thinking at the end

if you wanted to come and visit the set

and we could finally think about

getting a headstone for Dad,

or, you know, at least figure out
what to do with his ashes.

Yeah, well, we don't have to talk
about it now.

We can wait until, you know,
before you go and then...

I leave tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

That's really soon.

I know. But maybe you could come over
tonight and help me pack,

and maybe even crash so you could
give me a ride to the airport tomorrow?

- That'd be fun.
- How about if I go with you?

If I go with you,
I could be like your assistant.

No, no.

I think, if anything, I'd need you here,

you know, to watch the house
and look after your grand-dogs.

It's my job, Mom.

Yeah, yeah. Sure, you're right.

You're right. It's great.
It's a good idea.

It's a good opportunity.

- It is, you know.
- It's good.

And it's really good timing for me,
you know?

I can get out of town and be busy,
and finally take my mind off things.

- Jacob!
- Exactly.

Excuse me, can I get a picture with you?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

Thank you so much.

Hey, you two.

Hey, you two!

- Hi.
- Hey, Marnie.

Jacob, it's good to see you. You know,
I never said anything bad about you.

- You know, Elise, right?
- Yes.

- Yeah.
- How are you doing?

Well, we don't want to interrupt your,
your girl time.

No! No, no, it's fine.

We're just doing a drive-by
until I go out later.

I didn't want her to have to spend
Valentine's Day alone.

I didn't want her to spend it alone,
either.

- I'm not alone.
- No. We're together.

Until later,
when I'm meeting other people.

- I thought we were having a sleepover?
- No.

That's so cute!
I wish my mom and I were that close.

Well, maybe, when you get older.

What would make you happy?

If I could be stuffed into a cannon
and shot into outer space.

Should we go get milkshakes?

I'm going to kill myself.

- Don't say that.
- I can't live here anymore.

There's no safe place.

I mean, just when I want to hit
the eject button, you move here.

What does that mean?

It means that I tried to book a session
with my therapist

to talk about my mother and I couldn't
because my mother was there!

You told me to go talk to her
after Daddy died, so...

Do you understand?

Eighty percent of the time
the phone rings, it's you!

The phone rings and I think it
could be a job, or a guy, or a friend,

and it's my mother!
Almost every single time.

Do you understand how terrible
that makes me feel?

I can call less.

I can. I can just...

Well, like if you don't get back to me,
I'll just text.

I'm never gonna get over him.

How can I help? What can I do?

Nothing.

Well, then who are you texting?
Don't act out.

I need to have sex with someone else,
and you can't be here for it.

Okay, but just not Jacob.

Please, Mom, I can't do this anymore.
I need to get a life of my own, okay?

And so do you!

I still need a ride to the airport.

You have everything?

I have no idea.

Passengers only. No parking.

- Love you.
- Love you.

Blue team to ICU, please.
Blue team, ICU.

Hi. Hello.

You all by yourself,
because your thing's beeping.

There's nobody with you?

I think, maybe, you got tangled.

Let me look.

I don't know.

The wires or something here?

There you go.
See? Is that better?

You seem like you...

Okay. Well, I'll go get somebody
that knows what they're doing.

You can keep the little bunny.
He likes it there.

The woman in 317, she's in pain.

Marnie, hi!
What are you doing here?

You said you needed a babysitter.

I brought bagels.

Oh, come in, please.

All salt.

You know what nobody ever tells you
is how lonely it is.

I swear, I feel like there are some days

where I go an entire day
without seeing another grown person.

Like, by the time Dani gets home I don't
even know how to shut off the baby-talk.

That is so normal.

- Really?
- Really.

But, you know, you have to remember
that she's gonna grow up.

She's not gonna stay
a little kid forever.

And then you'll be having
real conversations.

You'll talk about everything,
the way me and Lori do.

Yeah, I know.
Well, you're right, I know.

God, I don't know why I'm so worried
about, like, doing it right.

I... I lost my mom when I was young,

so I'm... I'm flying blind.

Lori told me something about that.
I'm sorry.

But you can call me anytime to babysit
if you want.

God, Lori is so lucky to have you
so close if she ever has kids.

My dad couldn't even fly in
for my fake wedding.

You know, I had to walk myself
down the aisle.

Why was your wedding fake?

Oh, because, yeah, it was at city hall.

And, like, we'd just found out
the adoption was going through.

And so, you know, I convinced myself
I just wanted a quickie wedding,

and then I thought we'd have
a real wedding once Tehya came home,

but now it just...
It feels selfish to spend any money

I'd spend on her on, like,
giving us a special day, so...

But what about Dani, is he working?

Oh, she.
Yeah, she's a chef at Bouchon,

but she's, like, fifth in line
and works crazy hours.

She does.

What if I gave you the money?

- What?
- Yeah.

You know, I can gift a certain amount
of money every year to a person

without having to pay taxes, and I...

I don't know if it's gonna be enough
for your dream wedding, but $13,000...

- Marnie, that's crazy.
- No. What's crazy?

I have it, you need it. I mean, you just
don't want to leave it sitting around.

Well, no. You should save it.
Spend it on yourself.

I mean, wouldn't Lori be upset?

Why? She's not getting married.

Why would you even want to do that?

It's romantic and, you know,
renewing your vows.

Joe and I talked about that.

Who doesn't love love?

Oh, my God! Marnie!

This is amazing!

I mean, well, obviously, you're gonna be
involved in all of the planning.

Only whatever you want me to be part of.

- What do you think you want?
- Oh, my God.

Nothing, like, extravagant.

Dani was in the navy,
so maybe like a nautical theme.

You could wear a little sailor dress
and he... she could wear her uniform.

And it would be like
Officer and a Gentleman.

Or you could do it on a submarine.

Well, I don't see
any submarines for rent,

but there are a bunch of boats
at the Yacht Club in Marina del Rey.

That you can rent for a party?

Yeah, looks like it.

Freddy, you are a genius.

Oh, jeez.
It's $10,000 just for the venue.

Look at that.

I should get one of these
for my daughter.

Here, why don't you ring me up
another iPad?

Yeah, sure.

You know, I decided to take your advice.

You're gonna be a lawyer?

Well, no.
But I am going to school.

I mean, it's night school,

but maybe engineering or programming,
or something.

See how far I can get.

And work's gonna pay for it, so...

Oh, Freddy, you took my advice.

Yeah, now all I have to do is figure out
my work schedule and the bus schedule.

You don't have a car?

Nah, my mom uses it for work, but it's
okay. I don't mind taking a bus.

Meet a lot of freaky people on there.

No, I could drive you. When?

What are you talking about?

I'm in the neighborhood, you're always
helping me out all the time.

This will be my chance to pay you back.

Oh, my God.
Do we have to take the freeway?

I mean, we could avoid it,
but are you sure?

- I mean, it's kind of late.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no, I...
Don't worry about it.

I don't sleep much.

What?

Cut! Cut!

Hey, are you...
Are you supposed to be here?

Here? Okay.

Background, cross over,
talk to the woman in the blue hat.

Okay?

Yeah, killing the flowers.
Take that from you.

Okay, losing the sweater.

Losing the sweater.

- Sorry about that.
- Take your time, Chance.

Okay. Great.

Great. All right!

We're gonna go again!

Mark.

All right, background!

Action!

Hi.

Anyways, I was just walking...

So, we do it this way...

Cut!

- Anyway...
- Background!

...the craziest thing happened.
You would not believe.

I wandered onto a Hollywood movie set
and ended up being a part of the action.

Isn't that wild?

They say movie stars aren't nice people,
but they really are.

Half-day today?

I don't think I'll go back,
but I'm glad I did it.

Then three nights a week I take Freddy
to his class, and we talk the whole way.

And they're alive when he scalps them.

- No way.
- And then, he eats their brains.

Oh, no! That's sick!

- I know.
- That's sick!

I know. I know.

- Three, two, one.
- And I've been having a great time

doing wedding plans
with what's-her-name.

Oh, my God!

She seems really excited
and loves all my ideas.

And I know who the flower girl is.

Oh, I wonder who?

And I've been really getting
into volunteering at the hospital.

You should come down here with me
sometime and meet the staff.

And not married. That's so funny.

My daughter's not married, either.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that
I'm keeping busy with all my stuff

and, basically, I feel great.

So, give me a call and, let me
know you're safe and sound.

And I hope you're not thinking
about Jacob too much.

Love you... Hello, is...

- Is that you? Hello?
- Marnie, is that you?

It's Tony.

I'm here with Cos and Dominic
and we all wanted to say hi.

- Here, talk to Dom.
- Hey, Marnie, how are you?

Hey, Dom. How are you feeling?

Are you coming back to Jersey
for Joe's anniversary?

Yeah, sure, but maybe not
actually on the actual day.

I have to get settled first and then
as soon as I feel a bit more settled

then I'm gonna come and, you know,
I'll book a flight

and then I'll come see you guys.

How's Ange? How's she doing?

She's good, she's good.
Yeah, you want to talk to her? Angie!

No, if she's busy, it's okay.

- Don't...
- Marnie, where are you?

When are you coming to visit?

Soon. I just...

Right now I just have
an awful lot on my plate, so...

Have you thought about what kind
of a headstone you want to get for Joe?

We were talking and Tony thought
it should have a quote on it.

Just... I'm really busy right now,
you know.

I'm planning a wedding
and I'm dog-sitting.

And then, then I have this friend
that I'm driving places.

And so it's, it's...

You know, I really got a lot going...

Oh, shoot, Ange, I just...

There's a problem I got to fix,
so, you know, can I call you back?

I'll call you back, okay. Bye.

You don't have to say anything
if you don't want to.

Is it something that happened at work?

He just always does this to me.

- Your boss?
- No. No, my brother.

He sends this e-mail saying
he wants to see me.

I'm not even talking to him,
but he's still telling me what to do.

Why aren't you talking to him?

He's always getting me in trouble.

It's the same thing since we were kids.

As soon as I get something good going,
he goes and just tries to wreck it.

You know, Freddy, sometimes a person
seems like they don't really care,

but really they're just
not as strong as you are.

I bet your mother would be really happy
if you gave him another chance.

Anyway, thanks.

Be extraordinary!

I just... I will wear anything,
but I do not look good in strapless.

No. I mean, I don't look good
in anything, so I don't know.

That's crazy. But everybody
looks good in a wrap dress.

Excuse me,
how many bridesmaids are there?

Oh, well, there's me,
Emily, Trish, Stacy, Casey.

- Wow.
- Katie M., Katie P., Molly,

- Gina, Amy, Fern...
- Fern.

Oh, and Wendy.

Who am I forgetting?

Oh, Lori. If she's even in town.

- Oh, she'll be there.
- Are you sure?

'Cause the dresses are color-coordinated
and we need an odd number.

She'll be there. I'll make sure.

- Okay.
- Did you really book Blues Traveler?

The guy with the harmonica? Yeah.
He's fantastic.

- Very cool.
- Yeah, really cool.

Okay, you guys...

- That's it.
- It's really white.

This is the one.

I could murder you.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.

- You look so skinny.
- Okay.

Well, no, don't fall so in love yet,
because I'm actually,

I'm not gonna get this exact dress,

but I am gonna copy the design

and buy cheaper fabric,
and then have it made at half the price.

Oh, Jesus.

You look so beautiful.

- I'm so happy for her.
- Are you okay?

- Don't do this.
- She's so skinny. She looks fantastic.

- Don't do that.
- Happy for her?

- No, I'm really happy for her.
- Do you really love it?

Oh, Marnie, of course, but, you know...

She looks great.
She looks really lovely.

- What...
- No!

What did... No!
What did you do?

- What?
- Marnie! No, Marnie!

- Oh, my God!
- No, you should have it.

Okay, I know you're not my birth mother,
but will you please be my earth mother?

- No!
- What!

My mom's not dead,
but will you be mine, too?

- And mine, please!
- Mine, too!

Anyway, I just wanted to make
sure you're gonna be back in time

for what's-her-name's wedding. I don't
think you're gonna want to miss it.

For making squished sandwiches with it...

- Oh, paninis.
- Paninis, yeah.

It's gonna be the party of the century.

So hopefully, you don't have to do
re-shoots or whatever.

Anyway, I hope you're having fun.

I'm kind of dying
to find out how it's going.

I miss you, but, basically, I feel fine.

So, give me a call, but if you can't...

What the hell, lady?

Okay. Love you.

And then I realized that
Freddy didn't have anyone to study with.

So, I found out what classes he was
taking and what books he needed,

and I got them on Amazon, half-price.

So now, I can help him study.

Why do you think you're helping him?

Well, he comes from a poor neighborhood,
his mother works all the time,

and, you know, education is
the most important thing to him.

- And Jillian?
- Jillian?

Well, Jillian, she never had
a proper lesbian wedding.

And... I had the money

and so I thought, "I can do that."

What's Jillian's last name?

Begins with a "G"...

or a "K".

It's a consonant.

- A consonant.
- A consonant.

Marnie?

Do you think there's a part of you

that maybe feels guilty that
you have your husband's money?

Like you've been given
this consolation prize...

you don't know what to do with?

Or maybe there's a part of you...

that feels like maybe money
is the way to save everybody.

Or possibly even a way to stay
in people's lives and be needed?

And that this relationship that you
have with Freddy and Jillian,

it's really all about just replacing
your own husband and daughter?

So I told her,
"I don't need to replace anyone."

And why would I feel guilty
about Joe's money?

I mean, he started out from nothing.
He worked hard all his life.

He would have wanted me
to do something good with it, right?

Like Cinderella.

Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo.

But she kept asking me
all these questions

and saying all this stuff.

And I was like, "You're a therapist.
Aren't you supposed to listen?"

Anyways...

You know, this is one of
the best hospitals in the country.

Look at this! Is this yours?

No. Well, it was my husband's.
So, yeah, I guess it is.

Got room for one more?

Marnie, this is my brother, Fredo.

Yeah. Well, oh, my.

So nice to meet you.

I kinda promised him we'd give him
a ride someplace. Is that cool?

Actually, I have one stop to make first.

Oh, sure, sure.

Any brother of Freddy's
is a friend of mine.

Shotgun!

Hey, does the top
come down on this thing?

- Sure.
- Yeah.

See, this the kinda car I want.

Except I'll paint mine black,
you know, like a matte black.

That's an idea.

Hey, you remember that time
Tre stole that car,

but it turned out to be a hearse and you
were so scared you pissed your pants?

He was so scared.

- I'll just be two minutes.
- Sure.

Sorry about this,
but thanks for taking him.

Of course, it's nice to see
the two of you together.

Hey, man.

You know, if you want, we could
stop for ice cream on the way back.

And the difference between
a veto and a pocket veto?

A pocket veto is when the President
doesn't sign a bill for ten days,

but Congress can't overrule it.

Yes! You are ready, Freddy.

Oh. "Ready Freddy." I like that.

That's funny. What's that?

Fredo... He's...

- I'm sorry.
- Is that marijuana?

- It must have fallen...
- What's it doing...

- Oh, my God.
- Okay, okay, what do we do?

- What are we gonna do?
- Sorry, Joey.

What are you doing? What are you...?

Okay...

Are you all right, ma'am?

Can I help you?

How much are the pies?

They're all $12.

I can have all of them for $12?

Hey, I know you.

Nope.

Sure, I do.
You're an actress, right?

You're a police officer man.

Yeah, well, retired, technically,
but they still need us on set.

You know, in case a director
starts throwing stuff.

Everybody calls me Zipper.

Okay.

And you are Miss...?

Minervini.

Miss Minervini.

Mrs. Minervini.

Missus.

Well, actually,
I don't know if it's still missus

- because my husband died, and I...
- I'm sorry.

Thank you.

It goes back to maybe
the maiden name, or...

'Cause when you're divorced
I don't think that you still...

I mean, that's... Of course that's
different, but I think maybe...

Just... It would be...

less confusing if you call me...

Marnie.

Okay, Marnie.

Well, Marnie, do you wanna join us?

Us?

In a different language.
Portuguese.

So, we get to the area and, sure enough,

there is this naked guy,

and he's just walking up the street...

...refuses to put on clothes
or get in the car,

and Bernie suggests that we...

He would not go down!

He just stands there, vibrating!

Just pointing north!

Oh, pardon my language.

Were you talking?

Thank you.

Sorry about that. Those...

Those guys are... They're good guys, but
they do like hearing themselves talk.

Well, if I had those stories,
I would listen to myself think.

Well...

I gotta get going.

I have to, dog-sit my daughter's kids,

and, you know, my hands are... loud.

Okay.

Do you maybe need a ride or...

No, I can't drive that.

Okay.

How about just this once I drive it,
and you can sit on the back?

That's crazy. I would kill my daughter
if she died on a motorcycle.

Oh, this isn't a motorcycle.

This is a Harley Davidson.

It's a world of difference.

Come on, it'll be fun.

The safest place you can be
in Los Angeles

is on this seat right here.
I promise.

I'll go slow.

So tell me about your daughter.

Not now!

So why do they call you Zipper?

It's my name.

My last name.

Then... that makes sense.

- Yeah.
- What's your first name?

Randy.

- Or Randall.
- Randall.

And are you from around here?

Am I asking too many questions?

No.

I'm from outside Oxnard originally.

And then I moved to Ventura
when I got married,

and moved to Topanga
when I got divorced.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, don't be sorry. She's not.

You know, she never smiled
with her teeth.

I should've known.

Is Topanga on the beach?

No, not on the beach, by the beach.

I wouldn't mind living on the beach.

Yeah.

But I don't know
where I'd keep the chickens.

Chickens?

Yeah. Yeah. You got your dog people
and your cat people.

I am a man with chickens.

Get outta here.

No...

- Chickens?
- Absolutely.

How many?

Well, you know what they say
about counting chickens?

No.

You don't know what they say
about counting chickens, really?

No.

Didn't your grandma ever tell you that?

No, we didn't...
My grandma didn't have chickens.

Oh, yeah.
You are a city girl, aren't you?

Well, my chickens and I have a very
symbiotic relationship.

I give them a coop and some feed,

once in a while,
a little parmesan cheese for a treat,

and they keep me in eggs.

Matter of fact... Excuse me.

Oh, I can't believe it didn't break.

Yeah. That's from the Ameraucana.
She's my only Easter egger.

Wow.

You wanna meet her?

At your house?

Well, she's been out at the bar
most of the night,

but she's probably home by now.

Watch your step there.

Here, let me go in first.
Make sure we don't let anybody escape.

Well, now here's...
That's Patsy, and Kathleen.

Over here is, that's Ayla.

Katie and Ruth. That's Gayle.

And... the golden girl there
is Henrietta.

And now don't let her sass you.

She gets a little attitude
on account of she's so damn beautiful.

So beautiful.

Girls, this is Marnie.

Hey.

Was out here a couple months ago

and I brought that boombox with me
and I was playing some tunes.

And I looked at their faces,
and I swear they just looked happy.

So I did a little experiment

to try and find out what kind of music
they dig the most.

Turns out, rock 'n' roll makes
'em lay eggs like crazy,

but it does stress 'em out a little bit.

Oh, I understand.

Classical's good. They like that.

- Reggae, not good.
- Really?

No. Don't know what it is.

Turns out, for the optimal combination
of happiness and productivity...

all roads lead to Dolly.

How can you tell if it's working?

Don't they look like they're smiling?

Yeah, they do.

Joey didn't want to know how much time
he had left, but Lori and I knew.

And he asked her to throw us
a wedding anniversary party in August.

But... she knew he
wouldn't be around that long,

so she said, which was so brilliant...

"Why don't I throw you a
'40 Years From The Day You Met' party?"

And she decorated
the whole house like 1969.

And the music was 1969,

and all her friends
came dressed like the '60s.

And his brothers flew out,
and we had fondue.

It was a spectacular day.

What about you?

You got kids?

Two beautiful girls.

- Nice.
- Yeah.

The one that likes me
lives halfway across the country,

and the one that doesn't
is just over in Palm Springs.

Of course.

Lizzie was...

She was still in high school
when her mom and I fell apart,

which was my fault, mostly.

Seventy-thirty.

Sixty-forty maybe.

I was working all the time, you know.

And then I brought it home with me.

And then, when she started to slip away,
I was just gripping and...

She's in a reha... in a program now.

She's in a program.

Kept hoping one of those steps
would lead her back here, but...

I think I just made her
scared to tell me things.

Sure, what...
Look what you were seeing every day,

all that serial killers and stuff.

I mean, I watch the news,
never mind being part of it,

it's like being in an action movie
or something.

Yeah, well...

...not anymore.

It's not your fault
the world's a scary place.

Thank God you're retired.

Yep. Yeah, it has its moments.

And I have learned to calm down.

You know, I mean, if...

...Lizzie doesn't want me
to call her anymore,

I have to respect that.

No. You don't... I mean...

You can't not call.

Well, I mean, I...

I left messages until it was full.

So?

Sorry.

I mean, it's not my business,
but you have to call her.

Well, I...

I really wouldn't know what to say.

You just tell her that you love her
no matter what she's up to.

You know, everybody knows their mother
loves them unconditionally,

but fathers have to
say it out loud, I think.

What time is it?

Here you go, I'll trade you.

Thanks.

Take that, too.

Wow. Thank you.

Hang on here, let me...

Let me give you this.

You know, in case you need to get
out of a speeding ticket or something.

Cool.

Here, doggies.

Anyway, I'm landing at
JFK at 5:30.

Just thought I should head
back east for a little bit,

see Daddy's brothers and maybe
get to visit you on the set.

Don't worry about the dogs.

I dropped them off at Jacob's house
so they'd be somewhere familiar.

To be honest, I can't wait
to be back in the city.

Seeing the old stomping grounds...

...walking through Midtown
in the Garment District...

...and seeing Daddy's old building.

But mostly, I can't wait to see you.

So, let me know when's a good time.

We skip that, because that's,
like, the whole point.

That's like the only real thing.
Know what I mean?

It just feels like none of these things
my character would say.

Is there any way
we can get some new pages?

- What would you like to say?
- Just something less jokey.

Hi!

- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Thanks.
- I'm gonna find you and...

- Hi. Hi, Mom.
- Hi, sweetie.

This is your chair, okay?

And, then...

This... These are your headphones.

Okay? And... don't talk to anybody.

Just... And the safe word
is "Cantaloupe."

- Okay.
- Okay?

Okay.

On the bell.

And, action.

All right. Call me, okay?
Good night.

Jesus! Mom, you scared
the crap out of me!

Come on, don't you have ice-cream
in the guest house?

Well, yeah, but I already picked all
the cookie dough out of it.

What are you reading?

- Is that my journal?
- Is that what this is?

I thought the character
was a little slutty.

Give me that.

Aren't you too old to keep a journal?

Aren't you too old to be reading
your daughter's journal?

That's a violation of space and time!

Hey!
Now, what's all the yelling about?

I violated space and time.

So, what, you... you peed
in the upstairs, shower, too, huh?

What's wrong with the shower
in the guest house?

Well, it's got this, weird smell.

Mom, Dad, when I said you
should move here after you retire,

I didn't mean "here," here.
Okay? I need to get a life.

I need to meet a guy and get married,
so I can give you grandchildren, so...

Wet towel, Dad.

Cut!

Here, and jump straight to there.

I just feel like
we could land it a little better.

- And we need another option for that.
- All right.

I think, definitely, write that down.

Hey, you. That was so good.

Not too big? Did you love it?

- Perfect.
- Space and time...

- Great, great, great, great.
- Awesome, man. Thanks.

You look so much like him.

I'm sorry?

The... character that
you're playing, it, it's...

You look so much like
the man that it's based on.

I didn't realize it was,
you know, based on...

- So much like...
- Cantaloupe!

Would you like some cantaloupe,

because we have
a fresh tray going around.

And then that's when,
that's when he looks down

- and sees this giant snake right there.
- No, no, no!

And he's like... he's like,

"Jock! What's this
huge snake in the plane?!"

And, and Jock's like,
"Oh, that's just Reggie."

And, and Indy's like, "I hate snakes!"

And then they just fly off
into the sunset.

Yeah.
And that's the first 20 minutes

of Indiana Jones
and the Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Yeah. Yeah.
Thank you.

- I never saw it.
- What?

No. I feel like I've seen it now,
but I never saw it.

Well, we gotta watch it
before you leave town.

- All right.
- Movie night.

- I like it.
- Thank you.

Drink it, drink it, drink it,
drink it, drink it...

You two meet on the set?

Yeah, just two weeks ago.

Like I was telling you,
right before you asked him to dinner.

I think it is so romantic,
meeting on a movie set.

Well, not really, I mean, plenty
of people meet on movie sets.

It's usually scandalous
and home-wrecking.

That's so true. So true.

I met Lori's father in Atlantic City.

It was pretty romantic.

And then we got married
six months later.

Six months?

Yeah. I think when you know, you know.

I totally agree with you,
you know something...

You know, I'm just gonna
run to the bathroom.

Tinkle time.

Okay, hurry back.
Dinner's coming.

Yeah, there we go.

She's so lovely.

- Good job.
- She is lovely. Thank you.

Yeah. So, hey...

Oh, my God.

I got that the day after we met.

You know, when I know
I want something, I go get it.

That's how I got this far in my career.

Russell Boyd, Rodney Charters,
Don McAlpine.

When the top cinematographers
need a B camera operator,

do you know who they call?

- You?
- Boom. When you know you know!

- Yeah.
- It's so fast.

But, if Lori's happy...

I was thinking we'd get everyone
she knows together,

and we, we put together
one of those YouTube videos.

And everyone she knows
comes out one by one,

doing a choreographed dance number.

And then it ends with me
appearing with the ring...

This will all be
one tracking shot, of course.

I love it. Oh, my gosh.
That's so beautiful.

- I'm gonna propose to her...
- She's gonna love it.

I just feel like the whole thing

is getting bastardized
by everybody's notes, you know?

By now, I can't even remember what
I was trying to say in the first place.

Why are you so hyper?

I'm not. I'm just excited for you.

And... Ben seems nice.

Yeah, well, do not get used to him, Mom,

because that's not gonna last.

I'm not so sure.

No, I'm telling you,
I'm just rebounding.

But, you know, sometimes people think
that they're having a rebound

and then it evolves into something more.

Actually, there's something
I have to tell you.

Come here.

I was engaged to someone else
before Daddy.

Yeah, you told me that before.

I did?

Yeah, his name was Matteo
and you weren't that attracted to him,

then you went to Atlantic City
with your girlfriends,

and that's where you met Daddy.

You have, like, three stories, Mom.

All right, all right,
so you're rebounding.

Well, then, why don't you
and Jacob give it another go?

Because that's not up to me.

Well... maybe if you tell him
how you feel.

See that's the great lie
of your life, Mom.

You think if you dream it,
you can do it.

- The world just doesn't work that way.
- What are you talking about?

You dreamt that you would be a writer,
and you did it.

You dreamt you would come
to Hollywood, and you did it.

You dream up lots of stories,
all the time.

That reminds me, I met the cutest girl
in the bathroom at JFK.

She's in a wheelchair
and she's a blogger.

She empowers young women.

And, I told her you were a writer.

She didn't know who you were,
but she was very, very excited

about the possibility...

I told her you would have coffee with
her and give her some industry tips.

I don't have any industry tips.

Well, it's just coffee.

She's in a wheelchair.

How do you take a selfie?

What do you mean?
You just take a picture of yourself.

Yeah, but, how do you
take a picture of yourself?

Who are you sending a selfie to?

Just never mind.

- Never mind.
- Do you have a new friend?

My... I'm not talking about it.

- I'm not talking about it.
- Mom!

- Stop.
- Who's your new friend?

I'm not talking about it.
It's not funny.

- I'm not talking about...
- Can I meet him?

- Where are the bottles? They in here?
- Did you meet him at The Grove?

Stop it.

Stop it.

This is obviously me.

Hi, Zipper.
It's, Marnie Minervini.

I'm calling from New York,
with my daughter.

She's doing her TV show.

And... today I saw the set
and it made me think of you.

I mean, 'cause of your job.

Also, I mean, what you do for a living.

Anyway, so, I ordered some scrambled
eggs at the hotel this morning

and they were nothing like
what I had of yours.

I mean, the eggs that you gave me.

I had one.

Briefly.

And so I just thought I would...

check in on the chickens.

Also... Oh, yes, my daughter
has a new boyfriend.

Or should I say fiancé?

Yep. So, okay.

So, call me.
Okay, love you... Bye!

Bye.

- Marnie!
- Marnie!

- You look very good, very well. California.
- You look very good, very well.

So, Tina, Tina, how are you feeling?

How's the TV show?

So funny. You would not believe.

I don't know where
she gets her characters from.

She's a very smart girl.

Good imagination more than anything.

That is mine.

Salute.

Very sweet grapes.

You don't... You don't remember?

No.

Two years younger than me.
You don't remember?

I remember the grub.

- Yeah.
- That smells good.

So, the first time I cooked for Joe,
I wanted to make pasta.

And my mother told me
that the way you know if pasta's done

- is you throw it against the wall...
- Oh, no.

...and if it sticks,
then you take it out of the water.

So I boiled the water.

I break the pasta in half...

I know. I know.

And I start cooking it.

And... and then I...
throw it against the wall.

Nothing. Nothing.

So then I cook it a little bit more,
cook it a little bit more.

And then finally, I throw it against the
wall and it stuck to the wall.

And it stuck to itself.
And it stuck to the pot.

And it stuck to everything it touched.

So, Joe takes his first bite.

So, it seems okay.
Takes his first bite.

And then I see him take a little
bit of the pasta off the plate,

and he puts it in a napkin.

And I say to him, "What are you doing?"

And he says,
"I just gotta show this to my mother."

Yeah, it was a lucky thing
we were married already. Right?

I would have had a problem.

I can't believe...

I can't believe it's
his anniversary already.

I know, already a year. Unbelievable.

You mean two years.

Yeah. A year from last year.

Time flies, huh?

- Time flies.
- Time flies.

So, Marnie...

We were thinking that...

you can keep half of his ashes
with you and Lori in California,

and, the other half
could be buried in Elizabeth.

- That way...
- We have some place...

- Yeah, we all have some place to go.
- Yeah, we'll visit, you know.

Yeah.

You know, I really think that
I want to talk to Lori about it,

'cause she's been very sensitive
about the whole thing.

We already talked to her
and what did she say?

- She says it's up to you.
- Up to you.

Since we're all
on the East Coast, for a change,

we could at least pick out a headstone.

Lori said you wanted
to use a quote, maybe.

- Yeah, something from "My Way."
- It doesn't have to be "My Way."

- How could it not be "My Way"?
- As long as it's Sinatra.

Well, of course,
it is Sinatra, obviously.

It should be "My Way."
That was his... It should be...

Marnie, it is all up to you.

If you want to bury
his ashes here, okay.

And if you wanted to
just sprinkle a little here,

- sprinkle a little over there, fine.
- Boom, boom, boom.

Up to you.

How could it not be "My Way"?

How could it not be "My Way"?

- Of course.
- It has to be "My Way"!

We talking about Joe!
Joe did it his way!

He lived his way!
It has to be "My Way"!

No "Strangers in the Night."
"My Way"!

Joseph Minervini?

What?

I... I handed you my husband's license.

There.

Marnie Minervini.
That makes more sense.

And where you headed today,
Ms. Minervini?

Los Angeles. I live there now.

How was your time in New York?

Great. My daughter shot a pilot.

No. It's...

Welcome to Los
Angeles, where the local time is 10:37.

Please remain in your seat
while we taxi to the gate.

If your cell phone is within reach,
you may use it now.

Hey, Marnie, it's your
new friend, Zipper,

or Randy, I guess,
depending on who you ask.

I just saw that you called.

Sorry I'm just getting back to you now.

There's, just terrible reception
in the canyon.

I could barely hear your message.

But... just wanted to try you back

and see how the East Coast
is treating you,

and, also let you know that the chickens
have expanded their musical library

to include Peggy Lee now,
as well as, Dolly Parton covers,

so I guess you've got that
to look forward to,

if you ever make it back this way.
But...

Anyway, give me a call if,
you know, if you get a chance.

And, yeah, there you go.

Okay. "Love you." Bye.

Hey, Marnie,
it's your new friend Zipper...

Anyway, just wanted to let you know

that I made it back to the West Coast,

and... It's a shame you're gonna
miss the wedding because of reshoots.

And sorry to hear you broke up with Ben.

I guess you didn't like
the YouTube video?

Anyway, I know you're busy,
so don't worry about calling me back.

♪ If she did, she never
did say so to Daddy ♪

♪ Bein' took for granted ♪

♪ Was a thing that she accepted ♪

♪ She didn't need those things
to make her happy ♪

♪ She didn't even seem to notice ♪

♪ That he didn't kiss and hold her ♪

♪ If she did, she never
did say so to Daddy ♪

Hi.

You didn't hear any, kind of,

music-type sounds coming
from inside, did you?

That wasn't you, was it?

Just a little Dolly cover band
I'm putting together.

Thus far we have a largely
avian fan base.

What's this?

Nothing, I just... I picked this up...

to help... well, play music,
for, you know,

Henrietta and Susan, and Gayle,

and, you know, all your gals.

You just plug it in your iPhone.

God, do you have an iPhone?

I've been meaning to get one of those.

Thank you.
It's... it's really nice.

You want to come inside?

You can help me, whatever,
plug it in, figure it out.

No, I'm supposed to go to this wedding.

- Well, that's fun.
- Yeah.

So...

You know...

I missed you.

I guess that sounds funny.

I called her, by the way.

Lizzie, my youngest.

Zipper, that's great.

She yelled at me.

A lot.

I was actually thinking maybe tomorrow
I might take a ride out there

and let her scream in my face a little.

- That's a good idea.
- You think?

Yeah.

Do you... Do you wanna come with?

Just a day trip.
Nothing overnight, or...

I thought maybe you'd like
to see the desert. It's...

It's beautiful.

I can't.

I can't right now. I...

You know, I just... I wanted to stop by
and just drop off the speakers, and...

...tell you that I'm
not gonna be around much

because I've got to go back East,

and so I'm not gonna be around much,
for a while.

Okay.

One more.

Tehya, Tehya, come...

I'll take her, it's all right.
Come here, sweetie.

Thank you all so much.

There are just so many people
in this room who made this day possible.

I can't... I can't believe it.

- First, my incredible wife...
- Stop it.

...who married me one year ago
against her better judgement.

Well...

And agreed to do it again,
in front of our loved ones,

because she knew it was important to me.

To my bridesmaids.

Nobody could ask for 13 greater friends,

and I just love you guys so much.

And I wanna thank my family for
flying in from all across the country.

Daddy, I love you.

And Marnie...

I mean, words cannot even begin
to express my gratitude to you.

After my mother died, I just...

I couldn't even imagine
that I could feel

loved so unconditionally,

by someone who wasn't my family.

I mean, you are, you are real proof

that when one angel leaves this earth,

another one takes its place.

And I love you.

- To Marnie!
- To Marnie!

♪ And nobody thinks
or expects too much ♪

♪ And Hollywood's calling
for the movie rights ♪

♪ Singing hey babe let's keep in touch ♪

♪ Hey, baby, let's keep in touch ♪

♪ But I want more than a touch
I want you to reach me ♪

♪ And show me all the things
no one else can see ♪

♪ So what you feel
becomes mine as well ♪

♪ And soon if we're lucky
we'd be unable to tell ♪

♪ What's yours and mine,
the fishing's fine ♪

♪ And it doesn't have to rhyme
so don't you feed me a line ♪

♪ But you ♪

♪ Why you wanna
give me a run-around ♪

♪ Is it a sure-fire way
to speed things up ♪

♪ When all it does
is slow me down ♪

♪ But you ♪

♪ Why you wanna
give me a run-around ♪

♪ Is it a sure-fire way
to speed things up ♪

♪ When all it does is slow me down ♪

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

Now we're gonna do a new one.

It's a slow song.

I honestly don't remember
the last time I danced that much.

I know, right? We used to dance
all the time when I was a kid.

I tell Lori,
"Why don't you go out dancing?"

I mean, go out. Dance.

You know, this is an amazing thing
you've done here, Marnie.

They look really happy, don't they?

Yeah.

- So, look, about that lunch...
- No, excuse me, one second.

Okay.

Jacob, hi.

- Hi.
- She loves you, you know.

Lori loves you.

And I know because I see how unhappy
she is since you guys split.

And, I know everybody's
supposed to make their own happiness,

but she's never been like that.
Well, I mean, maybe

she was like that before,
but she's not anymore,

and I don't know if it's
too late for you guys,

but I know it's also totally awkward

and I'm overstepping
my boundaries maybe...

Well, I know I'm
overstepping my boundaries.

But if there's just even
the slightest little chance

that you could go
back with her and make her happy,

well, then it doesn't matter,
because all that matters to me

is that you make her happy
and that she be happy.

That's all that matters.
So, what do you say?

Marnie, I'm...

I'm sorry, I...

Oh, hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Yeah.

So I'm... I was... going.

See you.

Marnie, why don't you stay
for one more drink.

I got dogs to feed and I've got a...

Huh?

Problem?

All right.
Well, thank you very much.

Well, it looks like my car was stolen.

My God, the crime in this city...

- I'm sorry this is how your night ends.
- It's crazy, yeah.

Can't remember when I had that much fun.

- Yeah.
- You know?

- It was nice.
- Couple of Brooklynites, we are.

Yeah. Yeah.

And that dress is... it's...

...just a knockout!

Thanks. It's actually my daughter's.

Get outta here.

The color, like blood red.

Blood... Oh, yeah.

I guess.

And the hair to match.

Eyes! Throat! Crotch!

No. Out, out, out.

Marnie! What...

What are you doing?

What the fuck?

Yeah. I mean,
we have mostly Apple products,

'cause it's an Apple-based store.

Wait, are you a student?
Me, too.

You can probably get a student discount.

Wait, you're really a student, right?

You'd be surprised how many times
I hear... No, I'm joking.

Oh, shit. Sorry.

Anyway, every year the writer's pitch
the studio their ideas.

And the studio picks a small
percentage of those,

to pay the writers to make scripts.

And then out of those scripts,
they pick even a smaller amount

to shoot the pilot, to...
I mean, shoot the film.

And then out of those,
a handful actually make it to the air.

And then an even smaller amount
actually stay on the air,

like Seinfeld or something, right?

You want the TV on?

Hello?

Mom, I need you.

- Did you bring them?
- Yeah, yeah.

- What are these?
- Bagels.

This is the pregnancy test.

Why did you get the jumbo pack?

I didn't know how many times
you have to do it.

It's just the one time.

Please don't watch me pee on a stick.

Not really that late, for me.

It's probably just stress.

I can't stop sleeping,
but that's about it.

I just hope you know who the father is.

I can't believe you just said that.

I didn't mean it in a bad way.

I slept with Jacob once when I had to go
to his house to pick up my dogs.

Thanks to you.

And besides, I'm probably barren.

That's something you should worry about.
I've a lot of testosterone in me.

There, see? Single line.

No grandkids, congratulations.

Lor?

What the... What?

- What?
- Maybe we should Google it.

- Google what?
- For false positives, you know.

It doesn't work like that.
It's not AIDS.

- I need to get a blood test.
- For AIDS?

No! Mom! For this!

- Are you here?
- Sorry.

I'm pregnant! Okay?

I'm too old to get an abortion.
I can't...

- This is real.
- Well, don't be sad.

Don't be sad. Lori?

Don't be sad.

I'm not.

You're not?

- Mom!
- Okay, we're happy!

Yes.

Yes!

My daughter was a surprise.

I'm gonna have to sell my house.

Get something bigger, with carpets.

What am I gonna tell Jacob?

I can't believe Dad's not around.

Well, I'm around. So...

I'm here.

Yeah, I know. I know.

Hello?

Hey, it's Anna in Dr. Seagal's office.

It's negative.

Really?

What about all those tests that I took?

I don't know, but we tested your blood
and urine and you're not pregnant.

Okay. Well, thanks for calling.

- I don't understand.
- Google says here that,

"A false positive could be
certain types of stomach tumors."

Do you feel sick?

Maybe you could
ask the doctor to test your blood

- for other things like AIDS.
- I don't have AIDS.

Well, I said "like" AIDS.

I don't get it. It says here,

"If you have two lines then
it means you're ovu... lating."

I've been peeing on ovulation sticks!

What the hell?

You bought me ovulation sticks!

You understand
what you just put me through?

I thought I was pregnant,
and then stomach tumors, and then...

Oh, my...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Lor, I wasn't laughing at you.

Honey.

It's better anyway.
You didn't plan it, right?

- Right?
- I know, I just...

I was so relieved
to have that decision made for me.

Yeah.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

For what, sweetie?

For the way I am.

I love the way you are.

I just... I just really miss him.

You know,
maybe he's not the guy for you.

No, not Jacob.

I miss Dad.

I miss my dad.

Yeah, me too.

You know, it's really hard
to look at you sometimes.

Why?

Because half the room's missing.

And we're both alone.

We're not alone.

You're not alone.

This is what you get for following
the black sheep across the country.

Well, if you're black sheep
then I'm a black sheep.

We're two black sheeps.

It's me.

It's ringing.

Hello?

Ma?

Hi.

Thank you.

Hi. I didn't know...

Joey, I don't know what you want, but...

...this is all I can do.

Ma'am!

You gotta be kidding me.

What is that you're doing down there?

Nothing!

Ma'am, it's illegal
to be doing what you're doing.

I need you to step
out of the water, okay?

I'm a resident of greater Los Angeles,

and if you want me
to get out of this ocean,

you're just gonna have to
come in and drag me the hell out!

You think about who
your one phone call is.

Well, thank you very much.

It was my absolute pleasure.

- Here, I'll take that.
- Yeah.

Do you ever listen to Beyoncé?

'Course.

Yeah, you know,
she has this song, "I Was Here."

- Do you know that one?
- I don't think I do.

Well, it goes, "I wanna leave
my footprints in the sands of time.

Know that I left something behind.

When I leave this world,
I leave no regrets.

To know I left something to remember,
so they won't forget."

- That sounds like a good one.
- Yeah.

Well...

When you bailed me out, did you do that

because you're an officer of the law?

No, that's actually the opposite
of what I usually do.

I bailed you out as a friend.

You wanna go
to an action movie sometime?

Definitely.

Mom, where are you?

You left in the middle of the night
and I got worried.

Are you okay?
Can you call me when you get this?

Love you.

Hey, it's me.
I hope you're not mad at me.

Maybe just text me
and let me know that you got this.

Okay, love you.

Okay, I'm officially worried.
Where are you?

Call me. This is weird.
This is your daughter.

Hey, Marnie, it's Jillian.

I was wondering if you could
watch Tehya for me today.

Dani and I have a thing at seven.

You're a lifesaver. Thank you.
Dani, we're leaving.

- Grandma Marnie's here!
- Here she is. Here's my girl!

Guess what?
We're gonna get to play all night.

Bye. She's so sad to leave us.

- She's distraught.
- Yeah.

Well, we're matching.
This is like the second time.

What should we do?
How about a story?

- Okay.
- Yes, would you like that?

Hey, it's Lori. Leave a message.

Anyways, I just thought I'd check in
and see what you're up to,

and how your date
went last night,

or whatever it is you
wanted me to call it.

I don't know how much longer I'm
going to have cell phone reception,

'cause I'm going to Topanga
to see my friend with the chickens.

And then, a Jason Statham movie...
His new movie.

The one where he plays
the guy who stops time.

It looks fabulous.

And then tomorrow, I told Jillian

that I would babysit for Tehya,

so I'll be in the neighborhood,
if you want me to bring by bagels,

or look at whatever you're working on
or whatever, you know.

Because next weekend,
I think I'm gonna go to the desert.

I'm thinking... I don't know
if I'll actually stay the night,

but I'm thinking
I'd maybe like to see the desert.

I mean, it's right there, right?

Anyway, call me.

Love you.