All language subtitles for Shameless.US.S05E03.720p.BluRay.x264-DEMAND

I have Frank and Monica as parents, even I
know how to show up and turn on a TV.

What happened to you?
Here's what you missed.

- Ow! Now she's biting me.
- V.

I'm done. No more breastfeeding.
We go to formula.

We're not doing formula.

Two lesbians offered us
double the market value for the house.

Those lesbians are the man.
You are not selling.

- What's going on?
- War.

You have any, uh, full automatic weapons?
Grenades?

- He's freaking out.
IAN: You think?

You're going to lift with your hands
the large pieces of concrete...

...and put them in the bucket of the Bobcat.

- Can you handle that?
- I'll manage.

- What are you doing with him?
- He hit you.

I said that because I was angry
and shit-faced, I fell.

You got a girlfriend?
I'm around this summer, if you wanna...

- Just don't call, because Kenyatta, you know?
- Right.

- You text me if you're feeling randy.
- Heh. Okay.

- We said we weren't gonna date anymore.
- We did?

- Why are you breaking up with me?
- You're too young.

FRANK:
I give you Frank's Milk of the Gods.

Strongest beer ever made, 130 proof.

[BELCHES]

You might wanna toss that minnow
back into the lake, Lorenzo.

You know these ladies?

No, I never seen them before.

VERONICA: Another raid.
- Third fucking one this month.

[VERONICA SIGHS]

- That all come out of your rack?
- Kev wants the twins to drink boob juice.

He let them drink your wife's milk.

I will milk myself like a goat before they drink
that Russian AIDS milk. No offense.

None taken.

Looks like a hand-whore fire sale out there.

- Yeah. I got fucking busted again.
- You see?

This is what I'm saying.
It's the decline of civilization as we know it.

They're trying to make the neighborhood
spiffy for the invading hipster hordes.

Uh-uh. You don't BYOB in my place.

I made it. Milk of the Gods.

Ten times stronger than regular beer.

MAN 1:
What did you do?

Buy some expired Coors Light?
Stir some dog shit in for color?

Knock yourself out.

MAN 2: Unh.
- Easy there, cowboy.

- Oh, shit, this is potent.
- Strongest beer known to man.

It's also good for cleaning toilets and sinks...

...or degreasing auto parts,
makes a nice antibacterial for minor wounds.

- You should get some for the bar.
- Hell, no.

I don't need someone in a coma
after only buying one beer. I'll go bankrupt.

This is high-end stuff.

Forty-five, 50 dollars a bottle.

- It's like 10 beers in one.
- Who can afford that in this hood?

[MAN 2 GROANS]

Drag him to the sober chair.

I'm in.

Fantastic. What can I do you for?

I got a POW veteran's conference
at the Double Tree next month.

- Those warriors have guts of steel.
- Heh.

I'll need about six cases.

- Six... Six cases you said?
- Yeah.

Wow. Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

Two eggs, sunny side up for you,
and a scramble for the gentleman.

- Is Sean here yet?
- He's off today.

He's with his kid. Such a good dad.

Yeah.
You're still seeing your daughter today?

I bought her so much shit.

Two stuffed animals, a pile of candy,
some barrettes.

She's gonna be happy
just to spend time with you.

Feel like I need to bribe her
into loving me more than her foster family.

Oh, hey, huge tipper's back.

I tried to take her table,
but she only wants you.

Also, she asked if you're dating anybody.

- Someone's in love.
- Heh. Yeah. Take a number.

Well, this is getting to be a habit.
Pie and a coffee?

What haven't I tried?

Uh, we have a seasonal strawberry glaze
that just popped up on the menu.

- You wanna try that?
- Why not?

- Great. Anything else?
- How about dinner?

- We don't start serving till 5 p.m.
- With you.

Oh, uh...

I'm kind of...

My last relationship ended kind of messy,
so I'm not really in the market for...

You can say no now...

...but I won't stop asking.

I'm quite persuasive.

You don't want your pie?

Strawberry glaze?

I'll see you tomorrow.

[SIGHS]

GIRL:
Hey, Carl.

[GIRLS CHUCKLE]

DARREN:
Easy, that's my grandma's.

You had to drop it like that?
How about giving half a crap?

- What's up, D?
- Bank's foreclosing.

We've been here like 13 years.

They shoved her wedding dress
in a garbage bag.

I'm calling the cops.

Hey, look what you're doing to my kids.
It's unbelievable.

We're getting new neighbors.

- Adamec's got kicked to the curb.
- Are those hickeys?

Holly and Ellie threw a party last night.
Those skanks are randy.

- They threw a party?
- Mostly older kids.

- Didn't want anyone who looked too young.
- I don't look young.

They said no virgins. You're a virgin.

- You're a virgin, they let you in.
- I provide a service.

Huh. What service?

They make me give them oral
in exchange for letting me stick around.

What's the point of being a virgin anyways?

Nobody cares when a guy loses it, but for
some reason, it's this huge deal for girls.

- Hey, what is that?
- Smell of success.

Gonna get laid at the pool today
if they let me.

[DEBBIE SCOFFS]

I'm gonna throw my own party tonight.
An adult party.

You got any alcohol?

I'll ask Frank
for some of his homemade beer.

- Who are you gonna invite?
- Friends. Older kids.

CARL:
Wow, cool.

- Hey, that's my sandwich.
- See you.

Hey.

This is my... This is my shit, man.

- What the fuck are you doing?
- What's it look like?

- Like you're throwing out my shit.
- Yeah. When's the last time you cleaned?

I found a bunch of dead roaches
in that light fixture...

...and rat turds the size of Raisinets.
I cleaned your bathroom too.

- Jesus Christ, Ian.
- You got a problem with your boyfriend...

...cleaning the layer of scum from the tub
that your wife washes your child in?

[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]

Huh?

- Svetlana's been teaching me a little bit.
- Great.

Maybe she can get a job as a professor.

Rub N' Tug got closed for good,
so we need the dough.

- Where are the girls?
- Jail? How should I know?

- Shouldn't you be bailing them out?
- Why? Joint's closed.

What are we gonna do for money, Mickey?

Sell Svetlana's ass if she wasn't
already renting out her guest room.

You mean guest womb? Hmm?

MANDY: Forget it.
KENYATTA: Babe.

- I'm not moving to Indiana.
- It's a good job.

Cleaning Porta-potties?

It's a job. We're going.

- Looks clean.
- Mary Poppins here is on a warpath.

Shithead better not drag you off
to Fucksville, USA.

- There's nothing for me here.
- You're not actually gonna go, are you?

Jesus. He'll kill you, Mandy.

- He doesn't do that anymore.
IAN: Until he does.

- No. Listen to me. We have better options...
- I gotta pack.

- We gotta stop her.
- You get the gun, I'll go get the saw.

We can bury that piece of shit in pieces
down by the river.

No, I can stop her.

Frank? I brought you some almond milk
with your medicine.

I put a little maple syrup in it
so it can taste sweeter.

Piece of shit. It's too slow.

Frank, look. Look what I found.

It's this place in California
where they coat you in oil...

...and then they whip you with palm leaves.

It's supposed to be good for your epidermis.

And then I found this other place.
It's a robot hall of horrors.

Where you can buy dessert
made by an actual frozen-yogurt robot.

And then, Frank, look at this one.

A theme park dedicated to jam.

To jam, Frank.
A theme park dedicated to jam.

Sheila, I heard you. Listen to me.

I'm a little busy right now.
I've got my first order. I can't chat.

Frank, when will you have time?
I've been trying to talk to you all week.

And those ladies want an answer.

- What ladies?
- The lesbians who put an offer on the house.

Frank.

And I've got my eye on this cute little RV.

It's adorable. It's a class-C Chateau...

...and it has a kitchen and dinette and a bed.

- You cannot sell to the lesbians.
- Why not?

They're very attractive gays
with a lot of money.

Exactly. When the good-looking gays
start buying up our homes...

...the whole neighborhood is doomed.

They're this cabal of sophisticates
who are cashing in on their own good taste.

Frank, I want us to see the world.

I've seen it. It's a piece of shit.

All right, well, maybe I just have
to go by myself then.

If that's what you want.

Frank? Frank?

- Is Frank around?
- Oh, Debbie.

Look at your hair.

You look like a young Reba McEntire.

Um, I need some beer for my party tonight.

Oh. Oh, well, you know what?

There's some here in this box.

Yeah. I'm sure Frank won't mind
if you take it.

- Thanks.
- Okay. Well, have a good time.

Drink responsibly.

Have fun.

DAVIS:
"Dear diary:

The lead singer from my favorite band
has flirted with me again today.

- My knees are weak."
- You wish.

What is that?

Just this thing I'm doing
for this program I'm in.

"Letting the dirty dishes pile up.

Forgetting to pay the electric bill." Fiona.

Breaking parole?

Nobody's perfect.

Is it weird that I'm attracted to you now
more than ever?

Heh. You got a fetish for fuck-ups?

I like girls with stories.

- I'm reformed.
- Too bad.

FIONA: Jazz?
- Mm-hm. Our bassist plays.

He's kind of a genius.

He studied at the Con, at the Roosevelt.
All that shit.

Are you asking me on a date?

Nine p.m. I'll see you there.

And dress like you got something to lose.

One for you. And you.

And you...

Sorry, 17 and over.

Hey, what's shaking, cupcake?

Ew. What's that stink?

It smells like animal butt in a fireplace.

That, ladies, is the smell of a real man.
And yours for the taking too.

HOLLY: What's your sister doing?
- She's throwing a party.

- Without us?
- It sucks, right?

You can get back at her
by riding my joint if you want.

Go away, Muppet.

But I'm a cripple.

The first time he showed me that big old
gummy grin, I was like, that's my boy.

Turns out, he was dropping some sugar
in his nappie.

Ha, ha. Yeah, the girls smile-poop me
all the time.

But I pretend it's their way of saying:

"Here you go, Daddy,
a gift for all your hard work."

[DOOR OPENS]

- Hey, baby, what's up?
- Hey.

- Hey, Mama.
- How much you squeeze out today?

Five ounces on my left.
One ounce on my right.

What? That's it?
Are you sure you're doing it right?

- I'm not a dairy cow.
- You can get breast milk online now.

Two bucks an ounce.
Uh-huh. I saw it on Dr. Oz.

We can't afford it.

Hey. Rub N' Tug got busted.
Cops shut us down for good.

- What? Why didn't you call?
- What could you have done?

Grease some palms. Offer free drinks. Do
what sleazy bartenders do all over America.

- Hey, Mom.
- Huh?

How many mamas we know in the hood
still feeding their babies titty milk?

Mm. Let's see, um...

Raquelle, Dolores, Aparnia...

...Lee Ming and Sharquisha.

We can turn the upstairs apartment
into a pumping station.

Cops can't shut that down.

We'll pay the girls
to come empty their fun bags.

Mark it up and sell it online
to rich white folks.

Okay, hold on. You wanna turn upstairs
into a breast-milk sweatshop?

Hey.

Whatever happened to childhood?
These days, it's womb to woman.

- What are you doing here?
- Looking for you. I got a mission for you.

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

- What is it?
- I need you to run the lesbians out of town.

- All of them?
- Just the ones in our hood.

They're tearing up our soil,
and dropping in flower gardens...

...and yoga studios, gastro-pubs
and stores for dog clothes.

- We gotta get them out of here.
- Why can't you do it?

Because I have a top-notch brewery to run.

I'm on my way to the scrapyard right now
for supplies.

- What should I do?
- Scare tactics.

Terrorize the intruder.
Show them what the hood is really like.

- How?
- Ingenuity, my son.

Godspeed.

Hi, Matty.

- Oh, hey.
- Hey.

Wanna come to my party tonight?
Older people are coming.

Like parents, or...?

No. Like people your age.

And there's beer. Frank made it. Here.

I like your new hair.

Thanks, heh. But I'd really love you to come.

As a pal. And you can bring friends.
Older friends.

Please?

Uh, okay. Yeah. Yeah, sure. Um...

I gotta get back to work.

Awesome. Yeah.

All right, so I'll see you tonight.

Yes.

I know you're not helping yourself
to my stuff.

Well, you're not using it.
Who's gonna buy this hunk of metal?

You are, my friend.

Heh. Donate it. It's an excellent cause.
My brewery.

- Three hundred.
- I will give you a free six-pack...

...and this is not...

I'm Muslim. I don't drink.

Ah, come on, buddy.

I'm flat broke
until my insurance check comes in.

Cut me a break. What can we barter with?

What's currently missing from your life?

A woman.

Anything else?

My wife just passed. Twenty-three years.

Every Wednesday, we used to bust out
the Astroglide and saddle up.

I need to get laid.

I don't want anything long-term.
I'm emotionally unavailable.

Okay, you're in luck.

I know a blond
who can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.

You buy her a pork taco and a shot
of Smirnoff, and it's go-time.

- Who?
- My daughter.

She's a looker.
Nice face, excellent tits, tight ass.

Yeah?

Debs, Lip, come and get it.

Here you go.

- Yup.
- Hey.

Feel better?

Yeah, my blisters are finally opening up...

...so the fun pain portion of the healing
process now.

I need help terrorizing
the lesbos after dinner.

- Lesbos?
- They're moving in down the street.

Frank says they're gonna
screw up the neighborhood.

More cops, flowers, paint their houses.
Shit like that.

That could be good. A way for us
to get out of the 'hood without leaving.

- Frank says that's a bad thing.
- Why?

Because you and Debs could go to a school
without metal detectors?

Liam could play in a park
without empty crack vials?

Debs, come on, it's getting cold.

Would you help me?

Uh, yeah, sure.

You look nice.

- Come on, sit, eat.
- Can't. I gotta get ready for a party tonight.

Where are the Christmas lights?

- You're having a party tonight?
- Yeah.

Uh, here?

Uh-huh.

- What kind of party?
- Friends.

- Who?
- No one you know.

- Debs, I'm not gonna be here tonight.
- So? I don't need a chaperone.

- Yes, you do.
- No, I don't.

- Okay.
- Hmm.

- I trust you.
- Doesn't sound like it.

You're old enough
to make your own decisions, okay?

Just be smart.

[DEBBIE SCOFFS]

Okay, sweetheart, time for bed.

- No.
- Come on.

FRANK: Sammi.
- What?

FRANK:
Hey.

Hi, Dad.

I brought you some of my fresh brewed beer.
Tell me what you think.

Oh, thanks.

Maybe later.

That's a great outfit. How was work?

A goddamn nightmare.

Why does everybody wait
until the last minute to buy their sparklers?

Like they don't know the holiday's coming.

- Seasonal retail is the pits.
- You look exhausted.

I'm not used to having people yell at me
all day long. Chuckie, go to bed!

Come on.

I don't have anyone to talk to.

Sheila hates me, Fiona ignores me.

All those jerks at the Alibi
just wanna bang and bolt. It's...

Oh. Um, they're... They're awful.

You need a good man.

I do.

But there's none left.

Hey. You know what?

I have this friend.

I think you two might really hit it off.

No. No more.

- I'm telling you, this guy is different.
- I need a penis break.

I'm this revolving door for chumps.

It's not good for me,
and it's not good for Chuckie.

I'm telling you, this fellow could be the one.

- He really knows how to treat a lady.
- Then why is he single?

His wife croaked. Poor thing.

He has his own business, a late-model sedan,
wide-screen TV.

He showers regularly. Ha-ha-ha.

Hey, come on.

Why not?

- Okay.
- There you go.

- If you say so.
- That's my girl.

- Hey, thanks, Daddy.
- You bet.

- You're the best.
- I am.

- What are you doing?
- Hey, man.

Operation Dykes-Begone.

All right.

Mandy's moving to Indiana. With Kenyatta.

Oh, why?

Some shitty job.

He's gonna fucking kill her.
Why is she going?

- She's a 'hood girl. She thinks she's shit.
- Did you try to talk her out of it?

She won't listen to me.
Says there's nothing here for her.

I don't get it, she doesn't need that goon.
She's great, she can get any guy she wants.

- Tell her that, all right?
- Yeah, I'll talk to her.

Oh, welcome.
Um, come, make yourselves at home.

Beer's over there.

And we also have
non-alcoholic sparkling punch.

That's strong stuff. I'd pace yourself.

[BAND PLAYING SLOW BALLAD]

- Hey, Fiona.
- Hi.

I didn't think you were gonna
show up tonight.

- You invited me.
- Guys, Fiona from the diner.

Hey, cutie. You clean up good.

Yeah. I'm a real fixer-upper.

- Beer, Fiona?
- Yes, please.

Davis.

Hey.

- Hey, what are you doing here?
- Thought you had to work.

Uh, I did. I got off early.

- How'd you know I was here?
- Chris' Instagram.

This is my girlfriend, Gigi.

- Your girlfriend?
- Yeah.

Fiona is Gus' friend.

Uh, she's a waitress at the diner.

I live with him.

You live together?

Yeah. Why?

That is so funny.

We were just talking about moving
in together. Weren't we, baby?

Uh, yeah. Yeah.
It's just too bad she's allergic to cats, right?

[LAUGHING]

Fair play.

I should go set up.

Can I get you some tea or anything?

I have honeysuckle rose.

No thanks. Mind if I head upstairs?

Oh, not at all, no.

Oh, hello, Frank.

I was just marking different spots
that I will travel to when I sell this house.

You're not selling the house.

Frank.

I am my own woman.

And while I really want you
to come with me...

...I can choose to go by myself.

Have you seen a big cardboard box
around anywhere?

Frank.

Oh! I got a new dress today.

And I got my hair done,
and my makeup done at Sephora.

I said to myself, well, if he notices
just one thing, if he just notices one thing...

...well, maybe I would reconsider.

It's a big box.

Uh, filled with mason jars.

Yeah, I do know what happened to that.

I gave it to Debbie for a party.

You what?

- Yeah.
- But that was my only batch.

- I needed that. The hell were you thinking?
- Oh, well.

LISA: All done. Thanks.
- Oh, hi.

Let us know
if you hear of anyone nearby...

...struggling to make ends meet
or on disability...

...or headed for incarceration.

We'd like to buy as many homes as we can.

Oh, wow. Okay. Thank you.

Thank you so much.

That was one of the lesbians, okay?

This is earnest money to buy this house.

Which means they're earnest.

It's happening, Frank,
whether you like it or not.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. I...

Oh, God, I can't. I'm...

I'm sorry, I can't. I'm...

I'm still too weak. What if...?

I have to stay close to my doctors.

And my family.

Sammi and Chuckie need me,
and Sammi is a train wreck.

And Fiona.

And the kids. I'm their dad.

A home is a home, damn it.

I died upstairs, and then I came back to life.

I was reborn in this house.

I'm practically the mayor of this place.

Sheils, come on.

You can't take that away from me.

These few blocks, this neighborhood,
it's the only thing I've ever had.

It's the only thing
that's ever meant anything to me.

I thought I was the only thing
that ever meant anything to you.

And you, of course and you.
Yeah, you're my everything.

You are my dawn.

And my dusk. You're the sun.

You're the moon.

Sheila. Sheila, I'm begging you.

Oh, fuck me.

Hey.

Hey. Listen, is your big black boyfriend
around right now?

- He's playing poker with his homies.
- Okay.

Got beer at my place.

[SINGING]
Ooh, what are we fighting for?

The same thing, baby

[SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

Keep fading if we don't begin the healing

So we are come from love

But there's something strange
Got a hard time understanding

MAN:
Hey.

- You might wanna keep your shoes on here.
- When does the party start?

- What do you mean?
- Everyone here is lame, the music sucks.

The only decent thing is your brother.

Next.

We call him Carlilingus.

I'm going back for seconds.

[KNOCK ON DOOR THEN DOOR OPENS]

Oh, thank God. Here.

- Hi.
- Hey, you.

Um, I saved these for you.

[CHUCKLES]

Thanks.

- Uh, guys, this is my friend Debbie.
- Hi.

Um, come in. We have girls.
Lots and lots of girls.

[CHUCKLES]

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

Uh-huh, yeah, clap your hands

Hey, wait, wait. Wait.

You are gorgeous.

Okay?

You're sweet.

You're funny.

You're very smart.

You know that, right?

- Shut up.
- Hey, hey.

I mean it, okay?

You're a good person, Mandy.

Thanks.

Wait. Wait.

- What?
- What is this?

What is what? What is what?

This. Us.

Well, we are two people...

...who like each other's bodies.

- And, uh, we're very good at sex.
- Uh-huh.

And what about your girlfriend?

What about her? She's in Florida.

And then?

And I have no idea, okay?

But I'm here now.

Are you gonna visit her?

In Miami? I don't know. Who knows?

[MOANING]

I love you.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY]

Uh, are you okay?

Uh, yeah. No. I gotta...

I gotta lie down.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Okay.

- Oh, my God.
- Yup. Okay.

Hello?

This is my room.

Oh. Sorry.

Oh, the room is spinning.

- It's okay.
- I'm feeling dizzy.

Shit.

The hell you looking at?
Shouldn't you be in bed?

Hey, hand me one of those, will you?

Thanks for the help.

Listen, Mandy,
you don't need that fucker, okay?

Thanks.

You think it'd be okay if, um...

...I come by tomorrow morning and...

...well, maybe we can get some breakfast
or something?

Sure.

Great.

Good.

That was a good set.

You are the man. Thanks.

Nice to meet you, Fiona.

You too, Gigi.

You guys have a, uh, good night, huh?

Oh, we will.

What a dick.

- Live-in girlfriend?
- Yeah, couple of years.

This is the second time this month
that I've gotten blown off by a dude?

- It's not you. He does this all the time.
- That's supposed to make me feel better?

Where does he get off
treating women like that?

He's just insecure, I guess.

Oh, so fucking what?

"Gus' friend."

Give me a break.

I'm sorry for, like, grabbing you like that.

I did not mind at all.

It was nice.

Yeah.

Hey, uh...

Wanna grab a coffee?

I gotta get home.

Jeez, I feel so used.

Heh. Okay, well...

...what about tomorrow?

Yeah, sure. There's a spot
right around the corner from my place.

How's 11?

- Sounds great.
- Cool.

- Later.
- Later.

- Fuck you doing out here?
- Jeez, fuck. You scared me.

She left. About an hour ago.

Shit, I...

I tried.

Yeah, I'm sure you did.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

What do you think you're doing?
This sign wasn't here last night.

Hey, why aren't you...?

They're closed?

Yeah, by order of the Health Department,
apparently.

- How do you make unhealthy coffee?
- Maybe it was the scones.

Mm-hm. Heh.

Listen, I got some shit in my fridge,
like frozen gumbo, toasted waffles, eggs.

I make a coffee so strong,
it'll walk into the cup.

- I don't have any scones, though.
- Forget it, then.

Come on.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Hi there. I'm Lisa.

My wife Lisa and I just moved
into the house down the street.

The Adamecs had three kids.
Bank threw them out.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Listen, was your car towed this morning?

We don't have a car, so, no.

Our Range Rover was.

Parking signs on the south side of the street
were moved to the north side.

And there were heroin needles in the alley
and serial-rapist flyers.

It's like the neighborhood
went to shit overnight.

- You know anything about it?
- No. Sorry.

Hmm.

FYI...

...we don't scare easily.

I am a woman!

This gumbo is fucking delicious.

Yeah, my dad is from New Orleans.
I picked a vat up on my last visit.

Was he a musician too?

Both my parents, actually.

My dad's a violinist.
My mom plays pretty much everything.

- What is this?
- That's a Guzheng.

Yeah, my mom, she brought one back
from her last tour from China.

- Can you play this?
- Yeah.

Jesus.

Are you, like, a prodigy or something?

Well, I just, you know,
pick things up here and there.

I forgot to ask you
what you thought of the set last night.

Jazz isn't really my thing.

But, you know,
one of them sounded, uh, kind of familiar.

Oh, right. That's the Miles Davis.
It gets a lot of elevator play.

What kind of stuff you listen to?

Nothing.

- Nothing?
- I don't have time to listen to music.

That's tragic.

Is it?

Yeah. I would die without music in my life.

All right.

So play me something worth dying over.

- Wha...?
- Come on.

- No.
- I won't even watch you.

I'll just stare into my gumbo. Go on.

Well, all right.

[GUS CHUCKLES]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[SINGING]
Keeping you close, falling behind

I lost my voice, and you lost your mind

You say you're not well, I say you're fine

You're walking with me
Through the aisles of a drugstore

And if you return to me

Oh, if you return to me

Your mother's a fake, a phantom who steals

The smile on your face is not what you feel

And I'll check you in if you check me out

Some lonesome wrist cutter
Who says I'm her brother

Holy shit.

I love that you're an early-bird-special
kind of guy.

- Love a man who could spot a good deal.
- Heh, heh.

So how do you know Frank?

We're working on
a business arrangement together.

- You're a businessman?
- More of a tradesman, actually.

Wow. Looks and smarts?

Did I get lucky tonight or what?

[LAUGHING]

- Ahem.
- And I like your jacket, it's very classy.

Hey! Ain't quitting time yet, College.

Look, do we get paid
for the holiday on Monday?

- What?
- You know, it's the fourth.

Of July. It's, you know, America's birthday.
It's the birth of democracy...

I know what the Fourth of July is, smartass.
No. None of the holidays.

Not the tree one, the president one,
the war one, and not the one for the blacks.

- Yeah...
- This ain't the post office.

I think I tweaked my back.

You're not gunning for workman's comp,
are you?

No. No, I just...

Good, because comp stands for competition
from the Mexicans who all want your job.

So man up, or you're gonna be
on permanent unpaid holiday.

- Great.
- Jesus.

[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

- Hi.
- Hey.

Um...

What's wrong?

- Last night, did we, um...?
- I know. It was wonderful.

- So that did happen?
- Yeah.

You don't remember?

I was... I was plastered.

But you had a... Your thing...

No, Debbie, that's...

...biology. That's not consent.

- I thought it meant you wanted to.
- Did I say I wanted to?

Not exactly.

Debbie, I was barely conscious, okay?

You date-raped me.

We were on a date?

No. Debbie, you statutory-raped yourself.

I could go to jail.

I don't understand.

Friends don't rape friends.

I didn't mean to rape you.

I'm sorry.

Ahem. Don't call me. Okay?

[PUMPS WHIRRING]

Whoa, no IV drugs! Pump it pure.

Yo, you said you'd be home by 4.

Word got out that we're paying cash.
Bunch of nursing moms showed up.

Hey, Radha, I'm not paying you to snooze.

So you got a problem
with Svetlana breastfeeding the girls...

...but selling this tainted-ass titty milk
from this crew is okay?

We'll struggle to make ends meet
with the Rub N' Tug closed.

You missed the Wiggles.
They love the Wiggles.

- V, they need their mother!
- Why don't you relax and let me do my job?

Because I see you
feeding everybody else's babies...

...except your own, and it pisses me off!

Hey, Debs, you okay?

Matty accused me of raping him.

- What?
- I know! We made love last night.

Wait, wait, wait. You lost your virginity?

Does it count if it's rape?

- You did the raping, right?
- Well, he was drunk, but his thing wasn't.

How do you rape a dude?

He was sort of paralyzed
by Frank's beer or something.

I thought he would like it.
I thought all guys did.

- We do.
- Well, Matty didn't.

Hey, listen, Debs, I think
this is one seriously weird dude. Okay?

- I think you're better off without him, yeah?
- I'm not.

Debs, a million guys would kill
to be raped by you.

Oh, will you shut up already?

[HORN HONKING]

SHEILA:
Frank!

I'm test-driving our new home.

Ernie talked me into the big one.

- Ernie?
- Yeah. Ernie.

- Hi.
- My RV dealer.

Isn't it gorgeous?

And in the master bedroom, there's a
pop-out, and it just doubles the whole size.

- You bought this?
- Well, not yet...

...but Ernie let me take it for a test drive...

...and he said he'd bring it on back tonight
if I buy it.

Sheila, I have been doing a lot of thinking.

I was unconscious when you married me.

Well, I mean...

- Kind of, but, I mean, I knew...
- Wait, listen to me. I want...

I wanna renew our vows.

- Oh.
- I want this to be a choice. I wanna do it right.

- Really?
- My God.

My heart is literally bursting.
I haven't felt this way, ever.

I didn't feel it with Monica,
not with Sammi's mom.

You have such a deep soul.

And you care so much.
You care about humanity.

And I can't leave here. I can't leave my home.

Don't squash my dream of us
building a future together. I can't take it.

Especially now. I'm too weak.

Frank, what about my dreams...

...of seeing the world in this? This!

We can take a vacation anytime you want,
and then...

...we'll come back
to the little nest that we built for ourselves.

My God, I love you, Sheila Jackson.

- I mean, Sheila Gallagher.
- Aw.

- Oh, Frank.
- Ha-ha-ha.

Debs, are you smoking?

I'm just holding it.

Why?

Experimenting with things adults do.

Don't like it very much.

You need to talk?

I wanna tell you something...

...but I don't really wanna talk about it
because I'm not sure how I feel about it.

And I don't wanna be told how to feel.

Okay.

So I'm gonna tell you...

...and that's it.

Okay?

Okay.

I had sex last night.

My first time.

Just tell me you were careful.

- Homemade beer okay?
- Oh, I'm fine with water. Thank you.

Oh, okay.

Ah!

Whoo.

That is strong.

- Look at those socks.
- Ah, heh.

- A man with taste.
- Ha, ha.

Oh! Oh, uh, listen, look. I really like you.

You're a true gentleman,
and I don't meet many of those, which is...

...why I wanna take things slow.

Huh?

I don't wanna make the same mistakes
that I had...

...with the last 30 or 40 guys I've been with.

By take it slow, you mean,
we can get at it after I finish my water?

Oh, no, no, I mean...

...you know, go out on a few dates,
get to know each other better.

But Frank promised you would bone me
as soon as we got back to your trailer.

What?

- Come on, you beautiful hunk of junk.
- Jeez, it's hot down here, Frank.

- I tripled the gas to make things go faster.
- Wow.

Frank, I've decided,
when Ernie comes with the RV...

...to tell him to turn it around
and take it back home.

- You're keeping the house?
- I wanna be with you...

...and reaffirm our commitment
to our partnership.

- Oh, you...
- Oh, no, no, no, maybe later.

Hey! You dangled me like a sex carrot
to get brewery equipment?

You were lonely.
I was killing two birds with one stone.

- But I...
- I don't like your tone.

He promised that man
that I would put out on the first date.

- I've seen you put out after the first drink.
- You son of a bitch!

Hey, calm down! Hey, calm down!

- No.
FRANK: For God's sake.

I'm gonna fucking kill you!

SHEILA:
She... Excuse us.

Get the fuck back here, you fucking asshole!
You are not getting away from this shit!

SHEILA: Get your hands off him!
- Damn you!

- Fuck you!
- Get off him!

- Get off him.
SAMMI: Get off me, you cunt!

FRANK: Jesus!
- Did you hear what she called me?

That is not right, no.
She should not talk to your wife like that.

I hope you die in a puddle of diarrhea!

- That is unacceptable...
- I am your flesh and blood! She is nobody!

Can the both of you just shut the fuck up?

Can we not have one moment of peace?

Christ!

I've got a raging lunatic
succubus of a daughter on one hand...

...and a lumpy smothering pervert of a wife
on the other!

And you are both driving me fucking insane!

- Daddy...
- Don't you "Daddy" me!

You are needy, you are slutty,
your son is a lump of pure misery...

...and you have disgusting personal hygiene!

- And you! You are a certified whack-job!
- What?

Couldn't go out of your house for two years.

You take great pleasure
in shoving fake penises...

...up the butts of the men you love.

You banged the husband
of your only daughter!

You adopted a bunch of Indian kids,
and who the fuck knows why?

And I cannot stand
your unreasonably complicated cooking!

[SOBBING]

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Can't a man get one fucking minute
of peace?

Just one minute?

SAMMI: Holy shit!
- Must have been the extra propane.

Where's Hanzi?

That's a nice sock.

- Chuckie!
CHUCKIE: Mommy!

Holy mama!

Sheils?

She...

Sheila.

Sheils, hey. Unlock the door.

[ENGINE STARTS]

Sheila, hey, let's go to the Grand Canyon,
huh?

Wanna go to the Grand Can...?

Sheila?

At least we won't have to pay for the demo.

Score.

[English - US - SDH]