All language subtitles for Horrible.Bosses.2.2014.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H264-RARBG

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¶ Well, I'm running,
police on my back ¶

¶ I've been hiding,
police on my back ¶

¶ there was a shooting,
police on my back ¶

¶ and the victim, well,
he won't come back ¶

¶ I've been running Monday,
Tuesday, Wednesday ¶

¶ Thursday, Friday,
Saturday, Sunday ¶

¶ running Monday,
Tuesday, Wednesday ¶

¶ Thursday, Friday,
Saturday, Sunday ¶

hey, hey, hey! If you're coming
in for the morning grind,

it's another brutal Monday
out there traffic-wise.

The 2 is slow-and-go to the 5.

A sig alert is bogging
down the I-10.

And if you're on
the 405 freeway,

you're probably already
late for work.

Now, if your boss gives
you a hard time about it,

you have him come down
here and talk to...Rachel.

Oh, no.

Zing! Thanks, skip.

But, hey, speaking of
bosses, after the break,

we get to meet three guys

who are chasing their dream
of becoming their own bosses.

Stay with us.

And...We're out.

Very good, guys. We're
back in 90 seconds.

Okay, we're out. Back in 90.
Could've work a jacket, I guess,

but I think casual's
probably better.

Jesus Christ. Dale, you got
to stop sweating, pal.

Hey. Hey. Oh, wow. You are wet.

"Stop sweating." How
do I stop sweating?

I mean, guys, this
is a big deal.

I mean, we got everything
riding on this,

all right? We've quit our jobs.

I have three children
to think about now.

How about that, all right? Okay,
well, think about this, okay?

You do a good job right now,

you're gonna make your
little boys very proud.

Girls. I have three girls, dude.
Hmm?

Oh, right. Well, I mean, so what?
You can't even tell at that age.

They basically look like potatoes with
arms. don't call my kids potatoes, okay?

He's really freaking out. I feel like
you guys should go on without me.

Can you guys go on without me?
Well, I'm glad you said it.

Why don't you wait in the car, buddy?
That's a lot of sweat.

Oh, come on, calm down, okay?
You're making him more nervous.

Look, Dale, it's gonna
be real easy, okay?

You just got to talk about you
and Stacy having triplets.

People eat that shit up. You are the heart.

All we have to do
is be ourselves.

Oh, let's not be ourselves.
Ourselves is a dumpster fire.

Let's be better than ourselves.

Let's try to elevate
a little bit.

That's a good note. Nobody
be themselves. Good tip.

And
we're back in 5, 4...

¶ It's time to get
up, get up, get up ¶

¶ and get out, good morning ¶

And we're back.

You know, every week,
we like to highlight

local inventors
and entrepreneurs

in our big idea spotlight.

That's right, Mike, and today,
we have three modern-day Edisons

who've created a
new shower gadget

they hope to really
clean up with.

Please...Welcome Nick,
Kurt, and Dale.

Pleasure to be here. Now, um,
before we get into the product,

can you tell us what is it that
inspired three regular Joes

to go into business
for yourselves?

Yeah, well, we were --
we were all working

at pretty terrible jobs
for some awful bosses.

And we just thought, well,
if we ever got a chance

to be our own bosses that
we'd do things differently.

And this might be our shot.
Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, so, we didn't think
we'd ever get the chance,

but then our buddy Dale
here had an amazing idea.

don't go to Dale. Uh, yeah.

And, uh, you know, we just
started, uh, meeting together

to talk about the invention

instead of complaining
about our jobs.

Hey, I think that's exciting.

Well done. Dale, you know,
I just want to know,

where did the idea come from

for a new shower...Head?
I have three kids!

Uh, let me
answer the question.

Um, Dale, uh, had
just gotten back

from one of those self-service
car washes, right,

with the wand with the
soap and the wax?

Oh, yeah, it's got
everything in the one thing.

Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay.
Yeah. He simply thought,

"why don't they make one
of these for your body?"

Yeah. Yeah, and after
we had a few beers,

we came up with the,
uh, shower buddy.

The "shower buddy"?

I-I'm sorry. That name's
not official yet.

No, he's wrong. It is official.

I wanted "the shower daddy."

"Shower daddy" is worse on
pretty much every level, so...

Yeah. I have to agree with Nick.

It's better than having
some strange dude

in the shower with you. It's
not some strange dude, Dale,

as I've said many, many times.
It's your buddy!

Well, why would your buddy
be in the shower with you?!

Why would your dad?! Uh-oh!

don't scream on television.

Well, you know what?
How about you fellas

show us how this
little gizmo works?

Right? Let's get it going.

Yes. Make it rain. Yes!
work it, work it.

Oh, this is awesome!

So, Kurt's gonna go
ahead and get in there,

and he's gonna turn
on the shower.

You're gonna see the
water come out.

After a little bit of time, the
shampoo's gonna automatically

be triggered out of the
showerhead, mix with the water --

no water. No water pressure.
Use the blue handle.

No, there's no water pressure.

You know what, there's
a pump on the back.

I could pump it up manually.
Great.

Dale's gonna help out.
Thank you, buddy.

Dale's gonna do it. Okay.

Pump...I got it. You got it?
You do?

The water comes
out, and the shampoo

then automatically
mixes with the water.

Then shortly thereafter that,
conditioner then comes in.

And then you shower in half the
time with the shower buddy.

Effectively, yeah. The
average American --

I don't know if you
guys know this --

spends about 50 hours
a week working.

Hand's cramping up.

Here, let me help.

...commuting, and if we can save
you just 5 minutes every...

There's not enough lube. The
whole rod's too dry, right?

Yeah, spit on it. Spit on it.

There it is? Better? See, yeah.

If you lube it up,
it's -- it's better.

Oh, no, absolutely.
We -- we are, uh...

Oh, look, guys. I'm so sorry.

There's just a little
hole in the back.

I'm gonna stick my finger in it,

plug it up, and then
we're good to go.

Just get it done, right?

Whatever it takes.
Live TV, right?

Live TV! You know,
what are you gonna do?

Yeah! Here we go!
Oh, here it comes!

It's a miracle!

Worked just
as promised, okay?

Now, uh, go ahead and
shut it off there, Kurt.

It's so cool. I want one. Yeah.

You want -- you can't
have this one.

It's the only one.
It's the prototype.

But we're looking for partners
to bring it to markets.

Well, you know what, I'll tell you
right now. I'm sold. I want invest.

We got one! All right, Mike.

Now, how would I -- how would
I get in touch with you guys?

You go straight to Nick-hurt-Dale.

I'm sorry, what?

Dot-com. It's our website --
nickkurtdale.Com.

I'm positive I'm not
hearing that right.

It's our names --
Nick, Kurt, Dale.

Nick-Kurt-Dale.

Y'all -- y'all got
to change that name.

Boy, cannot believe we never
said it out loud before.

It looked so good on paper.

Well, it was a nice
dream while it lasted,

but I think it's time we all
go beg for our jobs back.

Maybe just accept the
fact that we'll always be

cogs in the machine, you know?

Wait. "Cocks in the
machine" -- what is that?

"Cogs." "Guh."

You know what? You're right.
We're not --

we're not boss material.
We're -- we're worker bees.

We're grunts.

Oh, boy. That song -- I
can't hear that now.

Just put it on vibrate.

Will you stop? Please?

Come on. I picked this
song to inspire us.

It's not inspiring me.

Ooh, look at this.
Unknown caller.

Can you just answer it? Hello?

Yep, this is one of the
shower buddy guys.

Mm-hmm. Really?

Yes. No, of course. I
know exactly who you are.

Look up "Boulder stream."
"Boulder stream."

Uh-huh. Well, thank you.

No, we're very proud
of the product.

Yeah, if you just want to
e-mail us the details,

that'll be fine. Is
that a real thing?

Yeah, my e-mail? Not yours.

Yeah, it's
phatballllz@hotmail.Com.

It's p-h-a-t b-a-l-l...
L-l... Z.

@hotmail.Com. Yeah. All right.
Thank you.

Yeah. No. See you tomorrow.

Wow. Holy shit.

Boulder stream loves
the shower buddy.

Who the fuck is Boulder stream?

Only one of the largest
catalogue retailers

in north America.

¶ You're gonna hear me roar ¶

nice.

See, when you're in a good
mood, it's a good song.

Bad mood, bad song. And that's art.
That's good art.

Man, this place is legit!

Yeah, it's nice.

Did you see the free cookies?
Mm-hmm. Mmm.

Yeah, you clearly have.
That's, like, four of those.

You're gonna have chocolate
all over your face. Oh, hey.

You know, you're gonna look like a kid.
Hey, really quick, guys.

When we meet this guy,
when you shake his hand,

use your other hand
and touch his elbow.

It's a classy move. I
don't know this move.

Just give him a nice,
firm handshake.

Mm, that's nice! How about that?

That's real nice! It's
really good, yeah.

Let me get ya here. No, no.

You got chocolate on your fingers.
Now it's on my jacket.

I got ya. You put your crumbs on my leg.
Put a little water on it.

I don't need water.
That will set it.

Get the cookie away
from me, please, Dale.

No, it's like a
fire-on-fire thing.

No, the water will set it.

Ha! There they are!

There are my shower buddies.
How are you? In the flesh.

It's just like on
that morning show.

You're always fighting.
I love it.

Oh. Yeah, it's... Rex hanson.
Oh, hey.

Kurt buckman, man.
Good to see ya, Kurt.

Nice to see you, too. Well,
that's a classy handshake.

Yeah, yeah.
Hey.

Dale arb-- uh, shoot.
I just learned it.

We can do it whichever
way you want, buddy.

Right?

Guys, why don't we grab the
refreshments, the coffee,

grab some cookies if you want.
Let's head upstairs

and talk about this product, all right?
Is that corduroy?

Step inside.

- Dreams do come true.
- Wow, wow.

You guys good? You want
something to drink?

- Yeah, I'll have one, yeah.
- Sure!

No, no. It's very early.
No. Never mind.

I'm
gonna cut right to it, gentlemen.

The shower buddy -- a home run.

Well, Mr. hanson, we --
we couldn't be happier --

Mr. hanson is my father.
It's Rex.

Please, sit down. Get comfortable.
Take a seat. Great. Okay. Thank you.

Uh, we want you to know that
-- that we are a company

you can be very proud
to be in business with.

You know, our workers are
all gonna have healthcare.

They're gonna be profit-sharing.

Yeah, okay, I don't really
give a shit about that.

Do you see this? This is Jimi
Hendrix's actual guitar.

Yeah! The one he did the fire
and the fingers thing with.

You guys like cool
shit like this?

Oh, yeah, yeah, we love cool shit.
Oh, yeah. I'm into cool shit.

I knew ya did! You get
into business with me,

you're gonna have
fucking loads of it!

And, so, you are offering
to carry our product,

- not only as a -- wait a minute.
- Check this out.

Miss lang, will you come
in here a moment, please?

Now what?

Jesus fucking Christ.

Sweetheart, we were
racking our brains.

What -- what's a beer
can made out of?

Do
you mean aluminium?

That'll be all, miss lang.
Thank you. Okay.

And where does she go now?

Now, that is the
kind of cool shit

you have to look forward to.

Look, the best part about
this whole deal --

you're not even gonna
have to lift a finger.

My company will assume all
future product development,

outsource manufacturing
to China,

and you gents will receive

a handsome one-time
development fee.

I want to dig in on the one-time
fee thing, because, you know --

you see this football?

This is the one where
Peyton Manning threw it

and the guy caught it in the
back of his helmet. Keep it.

Oh. You know, uh, Rex, the
-- the one-time fee thing --

we're not looking to give
up control of the company.

In fact -- right. No, we want to
handle all the manufacturing,

and you guys do distribution.

What -- you manufacture?
Here, in America?

That's the plan. Yeah, we're trying
to do the whole American-dream thing.

Boys, I hate to break it to you,

but the American dream,
it's made in China.

Now, look, I respect
your naiveté,

uh, but I'm afraid that this
deal only happens one way.

I did say "handsome" fee, right?

Can I have one minute? Just
love to talk to my partners.

You got it. Take your time.
I'll be over here.

Oh, boy. Yeah. What
do you guys think?

I didn't want to say anything,

but I think he means Eli Manning
and not Peyton Manning.

You know? Yeah. Maybe.
Maybe -- Kurt.

I think she has she has
an amazing fucking body,

but that accent puts her over the top.
I mean, it's insane.

Right. Agreed on both points.
How about the deal?

The deal, yeah, it's sweet, man.
We got to take

it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We should take it.

We should take the money and
get the hell out of here.

Cool shit. He's got cool
shit everywhere. Yeah.

Can you imagine having
your own cool shit?

But -- but look at this place.

I mean, these guys make loads
of money selling stuff,

and he just called our
shower buddy a home run.

I don't know why we'd sell a
home run for a one-time fee.

That's a good point. I don't know.
I mean,

I could really use the money
for Stacy and the girls.

That's a good point. Yeah, that's true.
I could use money.

Yeah, I-I get that. But maybe it's not
just about the money. That's a good point.

Maybe it's about never having
to work for anybody ever again,

that's right. Right?
Being our own bosses.

I say we bet on ourselves.
Me, too.

You're right. I'm in.

I'm in. Let's do it.

Okay. Rex.

Yeah. Uh, no deal.

Sorry. Yeah, we're, uh --
we're betting on ourselves.

Is that right? Yeah,
and no hard feelings.

Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. Honestly,
we really appreciate the offer.

Sorry. Yeah. I
can respect that.

Takes some serious balls to walk
away from three million bucks.

What did he say? What did he say? Hang on.
Three million dollars? We'll take that.

Sorry. Offer's off the table.

We'll take half! Half is fine!
Can we have half?! Well...

Ship's sailed. Thank you
so much for coming in.

Dale, I'm gonna need
that ball back.

Good luck building
something in America.

You know...

I built this company from the
bottom up here in America.

Dad, I-I didn't know you were back.
How was your -- how was your trip?

What'd I tell you about using
my office while I'm away?

I know. I just --
I just thought --

Bert hanson. You're the
shower buddy guys?

Yes, sir. Yeah, yeah.
We are, sir.

I respect you gentlemen

for wanting to roll
up your sleeves

and build something,
stake your claim.

Now, I came to this
country with nothing.

And through risk and hard work,

I made my own American
dream come true.

Mm. Good for you.

Well, here's what I'm gonna do.

I'll refer you to my contact
at pacific shore national.

That's a bank. They won't balk
at giving you a start-up loan

once they hear that Bert
hanson just has placed

an initial order of, say, um...

...100,000 units?

100,000 shower buddies?
Wha...

You're gonna make 100,000
shower buddies?!

Dad, what are you talking about?
We never make this kind of deal.

Sorry, sir.

But Boulder stream needs to
be your exclusive retailer.

Um, well, let's think it over.

Yes. No. We won't pick up the phone
if anyone calls! No, of course.

We have a deal?

Yeah, you got a fucking deal!

Hey, all right! There it is.

I got his elbow!

Oh, I got some chocolate
on you there.

It doesn't matter.

That's great.

That is good news!

So, it's
20,000 square feet,

but it's a minimum
five-year lease.

20,000. That sounds like a whole
lot more than we need, you know?

But we want something we
can grow into, right?

And we have a really
big order, Nick.

Damn straight. Come on, Nick.

Nick... I-I don't know. I mean,

I say that, uh -- you
know, I say we take it.

Yes. Yes, we do.

Excellent. ¶
return of the mack, get up ¶

¶ what it is, what it does,
what it is, what it isn't ¶

¶ looking for a better way to
get up out of bed instead of ¶

¶ getting on the Internet and
checking a new hit-me, get up ¶

¶ thrift shop,
pimp-strut walking ¶

¶ little bit of humble,
little bit of cautious ¶

¶ somewhere between
like rocky and cosby ¶

¶ sweater gang, nope,
nope, y'all can't copy ¶

¶ yep, bad moonwalking ¶

¶ and this here is our party ¶

¶ like the ceiling
can't hold us ¶

¶ can we go back,
this is the moment ¶

¶ tonight is the night, we'll
fight till it's over ¶

¶ so we put our hands up like
the ceiling can't hold us ¶

¶ like the ceiling
can't hold us ¶

you've got no work
experience at all.

Is that bad?

Are you kidding?
Nah, it's great.

You're enthusiastic,
and you're unjaded.

And unqualified. You know what?

You're hired. Oops.

Really?

That was unexpected
and, uh, u-undeserving.

You're hired.

Sí?

That's a yes. That's
an obvious yes.

Ai, gracias!

Gracias!

Well, again...

No résumé at all. ...You
know, not much --

you don't need it. Your
eyes speak for yourself.

You seem honest. Hold on, pal.

Um...You're hired.

Really? Well --

I mean, if you'll have us.
Thank you.

Says here you've been
convicted of a felony.

That was bullshit.

Word up, though.
I get that, man.

Like I had -- I had
a similar thing, you know,

they tried to peg me as,
like, a child sex offender.

It was total bullshit.

Oh, whoa, yo, yo.

I ain't down with
no kid fuckers.

I'm not down with
kid shit, either.

Yeah, none of us are.
Nobody agrees with that.

You know, man? "N"
to the "o," brother.

We do not support that at all.

But, you know, let's just
give the guy a job. Oh.

It's just -- yeah, I-I don't
want to upset this guy.

Well, tell you what, Tiffany.

You're hired! I'm hired?

Yeah, you are!

There you go! Oh, thank you!

Whoo-hoo-hoo! All right,
we'll see you later, okay?

See you Monday. Get out
of here, all right?

Kurt, you got to stop hiring
hot, unqualified women. Come on.

What's the point of being the boss if
you can't stock the pond a little?

You do realize you can't sleep with these
women, right? What's he talking about?

He's talking about you're the boss.
It's called sexual harassment.

Yeah, remember sexual harassment?
I tried to kill my boss.

Ring a bell? So what? I got to fire
them all now? We just hired them.

Oh, you can't fire them. No, you can't
fire them just because you're not allowed

to sleep with them. That's
also sexual harassment.

Why are we even
doing this, then?!

¶ Can we go back,
this is the moment ¶

¶ tonight is the night, we'll
fight till it's over ¶

¶ so we put our hands up like
the ceiling can't hold us ¶

oh, boy. This is it.

Here we go. Here we go. ¶ like
the ceiling can't hold us ¶

¶ can
we go back, this is the moment ¶

¶ tonight is the night, we'll
fight till it's over ¶

¶ so we put our hands up like
the ceiling can't hold us ¶

¶ like the ceiling
can't hold us ¶

we did it. We're at 100,000.

We did it? Yeah.

Let me see. Ohh. ¶ like the
ceiling can't hold us ¶

This is a great idea!

How do you think
they mow this thing?

Hey, are you guys sure we
shouldn't have called ahead?

No! He's gonna love it. But
the cake and the balloons --

you don't think that's
overdoing it, huh?

I don't think so. No. I
think he's gonna be psyched

that the order's done
three days early.

That's true. I think he's
gonna be, like, flipping out

to see us out on his course.

Hey, you know what? I
wouldn't be surprised

if he gives us a
membership to this place.

Are you serious?!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, my god. I want that!

Ohh! Hey.

Surprise! Whoo-hoo!

Sir, we have finished
your order in full,

and it is ready to be shipped.

Excellent news.

And we got you a
little cake that says,

"thanks for believing in us!"

And some balloons, of course.
We're the "us."

Congratulations, boys.
What an accomplishment.

Thank you. Thanks.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have
to cancel that order.

What'd he say?

It sounded like he said
"cancel the order."

You say "cancel"? I'm sorry,

cancel what? Cancel the order.

don't need it.

Wait, no. That doesn't work.

Sir, sir, sir... No, no. No.
You can't do that, though.

...we went 500 grand in the hole. We
were in business with each other.

And if you don't
buy, we are ruined.

We were in business
with each other.

He's gonna putt. He's
just gonna putt out.

And he makes the putt. Wow.
Congratulations.

Can you please explain
to us what's happening

and why you're doing this?

Yeah, sure. Fair question.

You see, boys, in one week,
your bridge loan comes due.

And you, of course, won't
be able to pay it.

And your loan officer
has assured me

no extension will be granted.

At that moment, your company
will go into foreclosure,

and I will buy all
of those units

at auction for pennies
on the dollar,

even cheaper than I could have
gotten them from the Chinese.

Oh, my fucking god! I
can't believe this.

Anyway, as an added bonus, I
will also own your patent,

and these gentlemen here
will take over manufacturing

of our new product
-- the shower pal.

It's a better name, too.
It is a better name.

God damn it. Fucking hell.

Oh, dad, that is a hell
of a fucking play.

We should fit these
guys for crowns,

'cause they just got
fucked royally.

Rex, no call for this
mtv showboating.

They're aware of their defeat.

In these moments, it's more
impactful to be still.

What about all that
stuff about hard work

and starting a company in America?
Yeah! Yeah, sir.

The American dream and hard work.
Is that all bullshit?

You honestly think
hard work creates wealth?

The only thing that
creates wealth is wealth.

And we have it. You don't.

Okay. Okay. You know what?

Take it easy.

Take it easy. I got it.
I got it.

Hey, listen, bucko.

You don't want to make
enemies out of us, okay?

Whoa, easy. I didn't
walk all up on you.

I make new enemies every day.
It's called business.

Thank you, gentlemen,
for stopping by.

Have a lovely day.

Rex, get the cake.

Rich motherfucking

over-privileged
fucking assholes!

What happened to decency?!

Do you realize I'm gonna
lose my house? Yeah.

You know, Stacy's gonna divorce me. She's
gonna marry some dude. Yes, she is.

I'm gonna have supervised
visits at a McDonald's.

Fucking McDonald's!
What were we thinking?

Who bets on themselves? Why
the fuck did we do that?

What? You fucking do! You're
the one who talked me into it!

I was on the fence!
I had the idea.

You were almost on my side.
Oh, we're fucked!

Our employees are fucked! What about them?!
What about lupe?! Yeah. Okay. Okay, okay.

Okay, okay, okay. Hey, you know what?
This is just a problem.

That means all we got to do is
come up with a solution, right?

You know what we would do?

We would put some ideas
up on the board, right?

That's what I'm talking about. Here we go!
Here we go! Here we go, boys!

No idea's a bad idea! No bad ideas.
No idea's a bad idea!

Who's gonna start us off?
I got it!

Kurt! Let's kill
these motherfuckers!

No, no. Murder! Yes!

M-u-r-d-e-r. You don't need
to write that down. Hey.

Kill them! We kill them. We shoot them!
Let's fucking kill them!

No. Kill them! I want them dead!

No. I want them dead!

Neck snap! I want them dead!

Hey! Enough!

If we've learned one
thing about ourselves,

it's that we're not murderers.

Besides, how does killing
them get us our money back?

What do you mean? There's ways.

You harvest their organs, sell them on the
black market. Boom! Be fucking serious.

Let's -- come on. This is not helpful.
Think seriously.

Okay, fine. You're right.
You're right.

There's other things
people have done.

There's plots. Yeah, for
money, for money, for money.

There's the plot of
the movie "speed."

Yes! There you go!
Put a bomb on a bus.

Great idea. So what we'll
do is we'll rig a bus

so that when it goes
below 50 miles an hour,

it blows up. What
the fuck is that?

You said no idea was a bad idea!
I'm just coming up with something.

I was wrong. That idea sucks,
the movie sucks, and so do you.

Hey! That is the movie that
introduced us to Sandy bullock.

Fuck you! I love Sandra bullock!

All right, I'm running hot.
You're right.

I'm sorry. I'm running hot.
I'm just -- you know,

the whole fucking thing's got me upset.
I'm sorry.

Give me the marker back, and
I'll come up with a better idea.

You want the marker back? Give me
$500,000, 'cause that's what we need.

What, you're gonna hold
the marker ransom?

Call it what you want. I need
a half a million dollars.

I don't need shit ideas
and a bunch of hot air.

Come on.

Dale!

Boom! Marker drop.

"Kidnaping."

That's "kidnapping."

With one more "p" it is.
That's "kid-nape-ing."

Well, however the fuck you spell it.
You know what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about kidnapping.
Come on.

Wait a second. Wait a second. Dude,
that's a fucking great idea!

Think about it. Okay, first
of all, we kidnap Rex. Right?

Right, yeah. Yeah, the ransom money. We get
money from Bert. We save the business.

What do you know about
executing a kidnapping?

What do you mean? You just...

You get zip -- zip -- zip ties.

You don't know shit
about kidnapping.

Okay, we don't know a ton. We
don't know a ton, all right?

But I bet we know
someone that does.

Who? Motherfucker Jones.

Oh, Jesus. Come on, look.
It'd be great to see him.

Wouldn't it be good to see him? Come on.
Please. Please. Please. Come on.

We're not gonna go see
motherfucker Jones,

because we're not gonna
"kid-nape" anyone.

Come on, this guy's a
master business prick.

He's at the top of his game.
We need to figure out...

Boy, look what we got.

Is that a sharpie?
Well, hang on.

What was a sharpie doing on
there in the first place?

You put it on there. I
did put it on there.

Permanently on the board now.

This illustrates
my point, idiots.

We need to find somebody
who's legitimate.

We need to find someone who
can get us our company back.

Hello, Nick.

Guy who saved my life.

Guy who fucked my wife.

Ah, it was a blow job.
It was a blow job, only.

Didn't fuck her.

You got my e-mail?

I did.

And I was very amused by it.

I know Bert hanson.

I like the cut of his jib.
And I do admire

the way he bent you three
idiots over a barrel

and showed you the 50 states.

Ah. See? Told you it was a saying.
Wow.

Now, Nick, just -- just
tell me something.

Why would you start production

without at least a
guarantee of 35% down

to cover manufacturing costs?

I mean,
why would you do that?

Is he telling a joke?
Is something funny?

Uh, we assumed that we were dealing
with somebody who was ethical--

No, that's
the wrong answer.

The right answer is because...

You're all fucking morons!

Boy, he shined a light
on that, didn't he?

Yeah. I think -- that's true. You're right.
You're absolutely right.

You thought I was such a bad boss.
But, I don't know,

I think maybe running your
own company into the ground

and ruining the livelihood
of your employees

is maybe a bit worse.
What do you think, Nick?

I think that's fair. Should I be
on the phone if I'm taking notes?

No, we got it. We got it here. I mean,
I'm not getting any of what he's saying.

It's all right. It's just a lot of,
you know, rhetorical questions.

Okay, I'll just try
to get his reactions.

So, what do you
want from me, Nick?

With all due respect, you know
what makes a guy like that tick.

So if you could
give us some advice

on how to get our money
back, I will play real nice

at your next parole hearing.
How does that sound?

You would do that for me?
Yes, I would.

Okay. I think I can help you.

He's helping. He's gonna help?
Okay, I got a notepad.

I got a notepad! From
a legal standpoint...

"Legal standpoint."
"Legal standpoint."

...your options are...

"Options are." "Legal options."

...Jack... Fucking...Shit.

I heard "Jack leibowitz." Is
that an attorney? Got to be.

I'm gonna write that down.
"Jack leibowitz."

Can we get his contact info, please?
Do you have his contact info?

Even if you had the money
to fight him in the courts,

his lawyers are just gonna
file motions and continuances

long after you three
piss-ant little fuck-ups

have blown your tiny,
little brains out.

Are you saying
nothing can be done?

No, I didn't say that. I said
there's nothing you can do.

There's plenty that could be
done, but you won't do it.

And do you want to know why?

No, not really. Because
you have no balls!

I see. Okay.

And your fathers had no balls!

You are all the product of
generations of ball-less men

who were either too
weak or too frightened

to stand up and take
what was theirs.

And one day, you will pass on
your empty, shriveled sacs

to your own pitiful offspring!

I can't
hear a goddamn thing.

What is he talking about? Our
-- our nut sacs, mostly.

Well, how did that come up? Why
don't you pitch him the kidnapping?

No, let the kidnapping go, all right?
Pitch him the kidnapping.

Grow some balls, all right?

You want to see some balls, Kurt?
Yeah.

Then kidnap someone.
You'll end up in here.

You'll see plenty of
balls on your forehead.

Mm. Why are they on my forehead?

Was the dick on top of my head?
That makes no sense.

Oh, I'm upside down.

You sure are. Your face
is getting fucked.

Motherfucker.

¶ Every day I'm
hustling, hustling ¶

¶ who the fuck you
think you fucking with? ¶

¶ I'm the fucking boss ¶

¶ 745, white-on-white,
that's fucking Ross ¶

mm-hmm.

So, y'all planning to use the
ransom to save your business?

Exactly, yeah. That's it. Yeah,
that's what we're hoping.

You tell these idiots how
stupid that is, please?

I like it.

Nice. Man, see? Yeah! I knew
he'd like it. Told you.

I appreciate the fact
that you're doing

whatever you need to do to
keep your business going.

Yes. I had a dream for a long
time to get my own business.

Yeah. I wanted to open
my own...Pinkberry.

What the fuck
is the chuckles about?

Oh, I thought you were joking.

You ain't seen how many crackers
line up outside to get that

captain-crunch-covered
freezing-ass shit?

I probably eat it three times a week. I
love pinkberry. That's a great dream!

Hey, man. That's awesome. I
didn't know that about you.

All I know, if somebody
were to take my pinkberry,

I wouldn't take
that sitting down.

Mm-hmm. You would fight
for that pinkberry.

I would cut a
motherfucker in half.

Tell you what you wouldn't do.
You wouldn't kidnap someone...

Yes, you would. ...'Cause you
can't successfully pull it off.

That's not true! Name
me a kidnapping movie

where the kidnappers weren't
dead or incarcerated at the end.

"Nine to five," asshole.
"Nine to five."

"Nine to five." Name me two.
Name me two movies, then.

You said name one.
Well, that's a comedy.

You said name one. Bam. I
nailed one right on you.

"Nine to five" was this movie --

I know what the fuck
"nine to five" is.

It's about the white bitch
with the big-ass titties.

That's the one, yeah. She got old.
The titties stayed young.

Guys, I'm not gonna kidnap
someone based on "nine to five."

That's because you Jane Fonda.
Ooh, snap.

That's right. You're
the scaredy-cat one.

You're always the last to
man up about everything.

You're dragging your feet. Can I
pose a question to you colonizers?

Happened a long time ago.

How do you kidnap somebody
without them knowing...

They've been kidnapped?

Okay.

You smarten up, and
you don't even do it.

Hey, man, no. He's a black sphinx.
I like this.

Yeah, he threw a riddle our way.

Okay, how do you... I can
give you the answers.

$50,000.

No. Ohh.

We can't. $600?

You should not run a pinkberry.
I'm sorry.

I mean, that's just the
weirdest negotiating

style. We don't have any money.

You know, we're here 'cause we have
zero dollars. We're broke. That's true.

Fuck it. Give me the watch.

Nope. Give him your watch.

I'm not giving him this.
It's a fucking tag heuer.

And this is a wrist
without a watch.

Come on, Nick. Give him --
it's just material things.

can't take it with you, right?

You can borrow it while you
tell us a shitty plan.

All right.

Slip him a Mickey.

Give me the watch back.

You sneak into his
crib late at night.

You find out whatever his
beverage of choice is

before he goes to bed. You slip
the Mickey in the beverage,

knock him out nice and easy,

and you keep that bitch
sedated until daddy pays up.

Wait a second. That could work.

That's great. That
makes total sense.

Yeah, right, 'cause he doesn't, like,
see our faces or hear our voices.

We're ghosts. No, we
don't even exist.

When you're saying "Mickey,"
you're talking about...

It's like a date rape drug, okay?
Motherfucker, where do you get those?

Where do I get them?! Uh, yeah.

You think just because
of the hue of my skin

that I know where to
get date rape drugs?

You brought up the date raping!
What are you doing, Dale?

You got "n" word in your eyes.

Why are your eyes
saying the "n" word?!

Klan eyes. You've
got klan eyes.

You ever take a eye test?
He does.

Yes! All you pick
out is the "k."

I can see every letter on there!
He does have klan eyes.

You can see them poking
out behind that sheet.

Oh, it's just ridic-- I can't --
I mean, I'm not even gonna --

so, let me ask you a question.
When you got raped by Julia,

what did she use to knock
you out, laughing gas?

Why are we -- oh, right.

That'll work. That's
pretty interesting.

Yeah. Do you still have
keys to the, uh, office?

No, but I know the
code, probably.

Yes! Okay. You did it again.

That's pretty interesting. Look,
for the record, I am not racist.

You're the best in the biz.
Thank you very much.

Okay, good -- good to see you, man.
Come on. Let's go. We'll see you.

Surprisingly helpful.

Any way I can get
the watch back?

Fuck out of here, Jane Fonda.

God, that's a tough one.

And you can't fuck
all three, right?

You cannot. Not the game.
Okay.

Well, then, I would marry Peter,

kill Bobby, and fuck Greg.
That's what I'd do, too.

Yeah? I think that's the
only way to play it. Yeah.

It makes sense. Yeah.

How'd you do? Okay. I did great.

I actually got a
couple extra supplies,

'cause I think we got to be
more careful this time around.

You know what I mean? Absolutely.
No, good call.

I got a magazine to cut
up the ransom note.

So smart. can't be
writing it by hand!

So smart. Bride again magazine?

Yeah, that's to throw the cops off if
they, you know, start snooping around

and they try to figure out
where the letters came from.

"Dora the explorer" walkie-talkies?
Awesome.

Well, it's not a spy store.
It's a convenience store.

It's the only kind of walkie-talkies
-- didn't want to just use our phones?

Oh, let's just use our phones
that make a record of everything

that we say and do and where we are
all the time! What?

Do you watch the fucking news?

"Hey, Obama, I'm -- I'm
breaking into my old office!"

It's just the three
of us doing this,

not us and the NSA, you dipshit.

I'm trying to help us out so we don't,
you know, do dumb shit this time.

Did you get scissors? I
got some scissors, yeah.

I don't see any latex
gloves in here.

They're, like, super expensive.
I didn't want to --

how much? 9 bucks a pair.

That's ridiculous. Right?
It's too much.

Come on. Go in. It's the only thing
you went in there to buy. Go get it.

She's got a ton of latex
gloves in her office!

We'll just use those. Good point.
We'll use the ones inside.

You need them to get inside, so
we don't leave fingerprints.

Fuck. That's right. You fucking dummy.
don't you know that?

I'm trying to -- it's just such a rip-off.
Hey, you know what we can do?

We can use my golf
gloves I got in my bag.

He's got gloves in his
golf bag, all right?

Great. We'll do that, then.
don't poke holes

in everything, 'cause
I'm trying to help out.

Okay. Guys, the
team's back together!

Whoo! I call lookout,

and I will let you
know if I see swiper.

Nice!

Let's go.

How we doing
in there, guys?

Oh, shit. I got it. I got it.
I got it. I got it.

We're all good in here. How are
things looking out there, Nick?

Things are good.

Hey, can you not say my name
over the radio, please?

Why not?

Could be somebody
on the frequency.

Oh, yeah. That's a good point. Smart.
Very smart. Smart, smart.

There you go. That's using
the old Hendricks brain.

And there's the last name.

Hey, you know what? What?

We should come up with code names.
Absolutely.

Hey, Nick, where you
landing on code names?

Boy, I'd love it if you'd
stop saying my name.

Can you just get the
gas and get out here?

Roger that.

"The blade" has
acquired the target.

Was that "the blade"?

Mm-hmm. That's my
code name, Nick.

We don't need code names.
Everybody knows who's talking.

I think they're
sounding pretty cool, though,

so let's try to
land on a couple.

I'm gonna think up
one real quick,

and I'm gonna lay it on you.

Uh...I'm coming in at you
with "the majestic lion."

I'm gonna be "the
majestic lion."

Now we're talking. Not
gonna call you that.

That's a bummer there. I'm
gonna need a reason as to why.

'Cause you're not a jungle
cat, and it's stupid as shit.

Ah, fair point, fair point.
Good catch.

Uh, we should come
up with one for him.

Oh, how about "St.
Nick" for you?

Hey, you've said my name
like four fucking times now.

If you could just come
back out to the car, guys,

we can go home.

Oh, hey, you know what? Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Somebody's here.
Somebody's here.

...drop "the lion" and
just "the majestic"?

I drop the "the" part, right? I love that.
I like that. That's what I like.

Shut up about the code names.

A bunch of people just pulled
up into the parking lot.

Uh, hello!
Get your thumb off the butt--

yeah, you're right.
It's too much.

¶ Hey ¶

¶ hey ¶ oh, my god.

¶ ev-everybody
love me, everybody love me ¶

real hot chick just pulled
into Julia's parking spot.

I think Julia's headed
into the building.

If you'd get
your thumb off the fucking button and --

ah, fuck. Fucking idiots.

Well, you know what?
It's not my fault.

It's not my goddamn fault.

I haven't done a thing illegal.
I can just drive out of here.

I can just drive right home.

No, I can't do that.
I can't do that.

They'll just fucking tell on me.

All right, we're
on our way to you.

The chickens have left the pot.
My god, my god.

The Coop, I think. What?

Wait, the "my god, my god"
does sound like a thing.

I know it does. Oh! Oh, shit!

Why don't you set the
food up over there,

and then we'll just circle
these chairs around?

Dale!

Kurt!

Ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-caw!

God, Grant us...

Oh, shit. It's a cult.
It's a fucking cult!

...about our sex addiction
that we cannot change...

Sex addiction? It's a sex addiction.
Yeah.

Neat!

So proud of you, each
and every one of you,

for being here today.

Shit!

How's it going?

Hi. It's going, uh...

...You know.

I'm in trouble.

Save it.

Okay.

...something that happened
to them this week.

Found this gentleman
loitering out in your hall.

Oh, shit! Nick got busted!

Says he knows he's in trouble.

Yeah.

We're all in trouble.

You don't have to be afraid.
You're safe here.

Okay.

Sorry I'm late.

'Sup, brother?

Toby, why don't you grab a chair
and bring it into the circle

so this young man can join us?

Yeah, um... Boy, uh...

What's your name, honey?

I am, um...

I am blanston.

Hi, blanston.

Hi.

Well, it's nice to have some
fresh blood in the group.

Appreciate it.

Fresh, cute blood.

Hey. Easy, Julia.

Blanston, would you
like to share with us

what's led you into recovery?

Uh, well, okay.

I-I do have a very
big...Problem.

Mm.

Just been hitting it hard.
I've been hitting it hard.

He thinks he's in an aa meeting.

Getting together with the guys.

Oftentimes, ending
up just face down.

Chugging one after the other,
sometimes double fisted.

Just "gah, gah, gah," you know?

You know what I'm talking about.

So, your sexual addiction,

it's -- it's
homosexual in nature?

My sex addiction? My sex
addiction is, um...

And then what did you say?

You like to fuck guys. No.

My sex addiction is to ladies.

Oh. You know, I'm
addicted to women.

Boring.

Quiet!

What is -- she's coming! Hide!

But there was once, though.
There was once -- oh, boy.

If I could just -- if
this is safe in here,

I'd love to shake this
out and share it.

Something must've happened.
don't fall on me.

don't worry. I took a parkour
class at the community center.

Oh, he got her -- he
got her to go back.

Uh, I was a boy.

How old were you? I don't know.
Young.

14, maybe? I think we were.

two 14-year-old boys at camp,

and not knowing
what we're doing,

and just... Wrestling.

Ooh, wrestling camp.

14.

Nice.

Is he telling the truth?

I-I don't know. But,
I mean, if he is...

Good for him, right? Absolutely.
That's great.

Did you guys wear those,
um, tight, little onesies?

Singlets? Is that
what they're called?

That's right. Singlets.

Tight, little spandex offering
a clear, little outline

of, say, a circumcised helmet?

Oh, boy. Am I getting warm?

Okay, uh, maybe someone
else should share.

No, no, no. Let's go to the unit.
Sorry?

What was the unit like
on this little b--

was it veiny? Smooth?

Little turtleneck. Anteater.

I just -- I don't know.
Pretty normal.

It's, like, good to have a gay
friend in your group, too, you know?

Absolutely. Yeah, I know. It is.
It makes us more colorful. Yeah.

Now, did this penis
ever, a-at any point,

find its way into your mouth?
Jesus.

Julia, no. You're not gonna
pull this stunt again.

What stunt is that? Stopping a meeting
early so she can try to flip another gay.

Really? She always wants
what she can't have.

Listen, relax, okay? He's not even gay.
He had one cock when he was 14,

and it hasn't even made its way into his
mouth yet. Well, if you'd let me finish --

so you did eat that cock.
You're asking if I sucked it?

I know you sucked it. I just
want to hear you say it.

Okay, blanston, you
don't have to say it.

Roz, shut your mouth, please.
Yeah, shut up and let him share!

So you ate it? Please say yes.
Please say yes.

You want to know if
I ate that dick?

Did you suck that cock like a
bomb pop down to the blue?

You want the answer?
Give it to me, blanston.

I ate that dick, I
ate those balls,

and I licked that
kid's sweaty asshole!

Damn right, you did, because you
are awesomely gay! That's right.

I am super gay! Never
been straight!

You know what else I've never been?
Inside a woman.

Meeting adjourned.
Everybody out.

Son of a bitch.

Come on! Hurry it up.

Hurry it up! Come on! See you later.
Bye-bye. That's it.

Okay, Julia, you are
letting the addiction win.

Oh, fuck you, roz. No
one likes you anyway.

Okay.

Mm. Let's get you prepped
for a fill 'n drill.

Let's do it. You ever done
it in a dentist's chair?

No, no, I've always wanted
to nail my dentist,

but he's -- he's a man.

Oh, I'm gonna make you
forget all about him.

Hey, why -- why don't you
go get the chair ready?

I'm just gonna visit the
men's room real quick, okay?

Oh, you can do that on me.

Oh, uh... well, it's,
uh -- it's, uh...

And...?

Mm, well, uh, first
time on the slopes,

so I'm gonna stay off
the black diamond.

Either way.

You guys are so noisy! Let's go!

I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

Congrats, dude. I'm so proud
of you for coming out.

I'm not gay. Come on, now.
I'll be right out, okay?

What -- come on!

I just think it will be a little
suspicious if I disappear,

so I'm gonna complete
the diversion.

No, we got to go! I
thought you were gay!

I'm not gay. Go on, go on.
I'll be right out!

Oh, oh. I get it. You're bi.

I'm not bi.

Not bi?

Do you have, uh, an "s"?

"S." Yeah, I need an "s."

How's that?

Uh, do you have a scarier
"s" than that, or...?

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I got a -- oh, here.

This is from an article
about bridezillas.

Yeah, that'll do it.

Okay, uh, can I read you
what I've got right now?

Yeah. Yeah, sure. Okay.

"Give
us the $500,000,

or the little boy dies!"

"You have 24 hours-s-s-s."

Shit. I wish you were
there to read it to him.

That sounds scary as
hell in that voice.

Well, that's why I wanted the
scary letters, you know,

so hopefully he -- you know,

he's hearing a voice
like that when he reads

it. Oh. Oh, that you would hope.
Yeah.

God, I tell you what. I hope
this doesn't sound cocky.

I think we're really
good at this.

We're extremely good at it.
Yeah.

And I didn't want to
say anything, either,

but, like, way better than murder. Oh,
my god. A lot better than murder.

You know, it's like we
kind of found our groove.

This is fun. It is kind of fun.

Like, it's like -- and nobody
gets hurt or anything.

I always wanted to make a ransom
note like this.

Oh, here we go. Here we go.
All here! Let's go.

Oh! Son of a bitch.

I knew I should have been
gluing them as I went along.

Oi-oi-oi.

Hey. Hey. Talk to me.
How was it?

It was like something I-I've
just never encountered.

What, a-a woman?

I mean, she's so free. She's
so eloquent with her body.

I mean, all of that -- all
of that sexual energy,

it flows from this place of
deep tenderness, you know?

It's called her vagina, Nick.

Please don't talk
like that, you guys.

Come on, let's go. Let's go.

Golly, listen to this guy.
He's being so protective.

I know. You're talking like
you fell in love with her.

What -- are you in
love with her, Nick?

No, Dale. That was a real long
pause right there, buddy.

That was a fucking moment of silence.
That was a real long pause right there.

I'm not in love with her. That's
ridiculous. That's what we don't need.

I don't need you -- she gave me a
very rich and positive experience.

Oh, yeah?
Better than wrestling camp?

Oh, boy.

Nice house.

Eh, well, he's doing well.

Good for him.

All right, let's discuss our options, huh?
Breathe, and go!

Hey, hey. Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Guys, you can't just park right
in front of the guy's house.

Wait. You want to carry a giant
unconscious dude down the street?

He's gonna be way too heavy. Come on!
Let's move. Come on.

That's a good point. Good point.

Wait, wait. Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

You can't just walk up to
the guy's front door. Shh!

Will you calm down?
We have a plan.

We have a plan! Just relax.

Oh, do you? That's great.

That makes me feel a lot better.

Okay, you ready?
Yeah, I'm ready.

Watch this. Go.

Ah, fuck.

Fuck. It's a bust. It's locked.

The plan did not account
for a locked door?

Well... Well, I mean, it's a 50/50
chance it's gonna be open, right?

How do you figure that?

It's either locked or unlocked.
Yeah. 50/50. Yeah.

It's like basic math. What's
up with you tonight? Hmm.

Give me your credit card. Yeah. Credit
card. Credit card. Good. All right.

Plan b's got a
credit card in it?

Come on. Your plan sucks.

Your math sucks. That's
what's going on there.

Wait. Shit. What
if he's in there?

Oh, yeah. How do we
make sure he's not?

I don't know. Why don't you guys
ring the doorbell while you're hot?

I love it. Smart. No.
don't. don't, Kurt!

Oh, shit!
Are you kidding?

You know, it's pretty dark in there.
I don't think anybody's here.

don't
-- don't hit it again!

You hear that?

I know that song. Huh?

What is that? It's a song, right?
Is it --

yeah. What song is that? ¶
no matter what you do ¶

no, no.

¶ I will always be with you ¶

who sings that? Badfinger.

¶ No matter what you do, girl ¶

quiet!

¶ Ooh, girl ¶

¶ with you ¶ you nailed it.

¶ Knock on this old gray wall ¶

shut the fuck up!

Shh. Shh. Hey, you're yelling.

Hey. You're yelling.

Do me a favor. Hurry up.

Fail to open up the front door

so we can get the
fuck out of here.

Ah, fuck. Oh!

What's "fuck"? What happened?

We got a problem. Hang on.

Yeah, see? Right there?

Yep. God damn it.

There it is, just
staring back at us.

Okay, what now?

I guess we follow your idea,

and we get the heck out of here.

Yeah, we got to go. No, no.

Hey, hey, hey! My credit
card is in there.

Yeah, I know. Just call them and cancel it.
It'll be fine.

Yeah. They'll send you a new one
like overnight. Yeah. Like that.

No, no, no. When
they find the card,

they're gonna know
that we were here.

It's pretty simple. Oh, shit.

Well, technically, they're
gonna know you were here.

Go, go!
Car! Car!

Is that his wife?

No. That's a '93 civic,

and she's carrying dry cleaning.

I'm gonna go with a maid.

He married his maid?

Nice.

Mr. Rex! Are you home?!

It me, Kim song!

I pick
up your dry cleaning!

Okay, I got it!

Wow. He's got good taste.

It's bent, god damn it.

Nice, clean lines.
Little pops of color.

Let's go.

Go? What?

Hey, we just got inside.
Let's stay.

Yeah, so did she. Let's
get the fuck out of here.

What, are you quitting
on the plan, dude?

Back in! Back in!
Back in! Back in! He's here,

Why? Who's here?

Mr. Rex.

Shit!

Kim?!

You here?!

Hey, Kim. You got my shirts?

Yes, Mr. Rex. I go hang up now.

Great.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Kim. Kimbo.

Take a look at this for me.

Will you tell me what you see?

Uh... Are you gonna
leave this mess

in the bottom of my sink?

The...Water?

Yes. The little water droplets
all over the bottom of my sink.

I don't know what thatched
hut you grew up in,

but this is disgusting.

But it -- it just water.

Okay. Okay.

Then you just fire.

Mm-hmm. You lose your job.

Too bad for you.

Bye-bye!

Look at you!

I got you again!

Look at that
little chubby face!

What, did you think I
was gonna fire you

on your fucking birthday?

Are you out of your mind, Mrs.
miyagi?

Get over here.

Come here, you. Happy birthday!

Hold on one sec. Hey.

Yeah. No, no, no. I'm just
trying to make my maid's day.

It's her birthday. Huh?

Hey, Kim. Seriously, though --

can we keep a dry
sink from here on in?

Yes, Mr. Rex.

What's up?

No, fuck that, man.

Kim.

Ohh!

Dude, I'm trying.

My dad is being a total
dick about the money.

What's she doing?

Oh, my god.
What is she doing?!

Oh, my god. Kurt, Kurt, Kurt.

What? What? What?

Oh, shit. That's my thing!

She's doing my thing!

I can't believe she's
fucking doing that!

She's not going in deep enough.

What a rookie.

Okay, there she goes.
Okay. All right.

Kimchi!

There he is!
Okay. Shh. Shh.

Shh, shh. Oh, no.

He's gonna brush his teeth.

He's gonna do it. He's gonna do it.
Here he goes. Here he goes.

Do it. Do it! Yeah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh!

Yeah, get them nice and
clean, you son of a bitch!

So satisfying. Wait, guys.
Okay. Now what, though?

What are we doing? What do we do now?
What do we do now?

We wait for him to go to bed.

Dale starts the gas, okay?

I've
got the ransom note.

Not now. Not now. Not now.
Turn it off.

He said, "Dale, start the gas."

No. I said, "Dale
starts the gas."

You said, "Dale, start
--" later, you idiot.

Turn that off! We can't have
the gas in here. Jesus.

Okay. I'll put this on the --

hey. Turn it off.

I'm trying to. It's, like, broken
or something. Are you kidding me?

Give it to me. Turn it the other way.
Turn it the other way.

We dropped it like
a million times.

I think we broke it. No. See?

It's just like it's
not doing anything.

Let's get the fuck out of here.
Get out of here?

What are you talking about? He's right
outside! Shit! He's right there!

Then get the fucking
can out of here!

don't start laughing.
Look at your face.

What is funny about this?

Look at his face.

Oh, no. Dude, you got your face.

The gas. Is this the gas? Face.

No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Hey.

No, no. Listen.
Keep it together.

Yes, it's the gas.

It's pretty good.

You keep it together.

Ooh. W-whoa!

I was
trying to hit him.

Guys.

Oh, no, no, no. No. No. No. No.

Okay. I'm good. I'm good.

Let's...

¶ Tiger, a fighter ¶

¶ dancing through the fire ¶

shit. Kurt. Kurt. Your phone.

Hmm? Oh. Your phone.
It's your phone.

I got it. I got it. I got it.
Where are we?

Shut it off.

Why is your wife calling me?

Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

She's probably freaking out. I
didn't come home last night. Quiet.

Dude, get your fucking head
out of my crotch. Hmm?

Will you look at this fucking
view during the daytime? Hey.

You kidding me? Unbelievable!
All right.

He seems gone. Bed's made.
Yeah. Yeah.

I can't believe this. We
should maybe just check.

Hey! Rex! Hey.

Rex!

Rex!

Dale! Huh?

Did you have a plan
if he responded?

I didn't think that far ahead.
Yeah. Of course you didn't.

I would have just been quieter.
Yeah.

You're even dumber
in the mornings.

You know, Stacy's just
gonna completely flip out

when I get home.
Dale, do me a favor.

What kind of dad doesn't
come home all night?!

Shut that down, okay?
You're not a dad yet.

Because if the worst
thing that happens

from this whole clusterfuck
is your domestic problems,

then we can consider
ourselves lucky.

We just dodged a huge
bullet back there.

We almost made the worst
decision of our lives.

No, that's true. You know why?

'Cause if he opens that
closet door and sees us,

we're -- we're in prison right now.
That's -- that's right.

You know? So we're
very, very lucky.

What the fuck is the
matter with us?

You know what? I tell you what.

If a couple tiny
things went our way,

we could have pulled that off.
No.

Just saying. We're
not criminals!

We suck at crime! We're, like,
nice, normal guys. I know.

I like baseball. I wear pants.
Yeah. Yep.

Back to being cogs in the machine.
Cogs!

No shame in that. Cogs, dude.

No, cogs are good. It's
a relief, you know?

It's like a weight -- a
weight lifted off your --

what is that -- shoulders? That's right.
No, this is good.

This is good. It's a fresh start

where everything's
gonna be like --

I'll call you guys later.

Please
don't kill me!

Fuck! Fuck! Oh, fuck!

What the fuck is that?!
What the fuck is that?!

What did we do?

We fucking kidnap him while
we're high on nitrous?

And then what? Just went
back into the closet

and went to sleep? Why
would we do that?

Shh, shh, shh. What?

Is he crying?

The best!

That was so good.

Help me out.

The look on your...

Yeah. All right.

I really couldn't...
Your fucking face!

Oh, my god. Hey, man. Yeah.

Whoo-wee. Ah.

You had us.

Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Oh! Oh!

What's happening? I don't know.

What's happening? Oh, boy.

Oh, my god! You guys!

I completely underestimated you.

You fuckers have some
low-hanging balls!

I mean it. I'm impressed.

Hmm. I mean, I wake up,

I find you three in my closet,

along with a ransom note, a
big ol' bottle of nitrous.

I'm like, "holy shit!

These fuckers were
gonna gas me!"

I'm about to call the cops
when I think, "hold up a sec.

These guys may be
onto something."

I want to partner
up on this thing.

Part-- what are you
talking about?

What thing? What are
you talking about?

I'm not sure what you mean.
Mm. The thing?

This thing. My kidnapping. Oh.

Truth be told, pop and I,

we've hit a rough patch lately.

He's refusing to cover
some of my expenses.

Blah, blah, blah. Long story.

Anyway, your timing could
not have been better.

Is this a fucking marlin?

Rex, this is, uh, cool and all,

but we decided, like, we're out.

You know, we're not doing crime.
Yeah. Not our thing.

Yeah, no, he's right. No.

The kidnapping is off, actually.
Okay?

Huh? No. No, no, it's on.

No, it's off. No,
it's totally on!

I sent the ransom
note to my dad!

You what? You did what? Yeah.

I was a little insulted

you only asked for
$500,000 for me.

I mean, is that all I'm worth?

Hmm? No sweat.

I tacked on another zero.

$500 million?!

Wow. That's a ton. No.

$5 million, guys. $5 million.

$5 million. $5 million. 5?
Right, right, right, right.

Yeah. $5 million.

$1 million for you guys.
4 for me.

Why don't we find a pay phone
and make that ransom call?

Yeah, Rex, let's
-- let's not, ok--

we appreciate the
generous offer,

and thank you very much
for not calling the cops.

Yes. But we're gonna pass.

No. Yeah.

Guys. Guys, how's this
anything but great news?

All I'm asking you to do
is finish your own plan,

but for double the money.

And, plus, it just got
1,000 times easier

because now I'm your inside man.

I can make sure dad pays up.

And then, you know,
when you "set me free,"

I can tell the cops it
was three other morons.

"They went thataway."

Oh. Well, wow.

I mean, that's not the worst
idea I've ever heard.

I mean, it's better than our original idea.
A lot better.

G-give us one second?
Fucking what?!

We can't trust this guy.
You can trust me.

No, you're right. What
are we talking about?

Yeah. Of course. They
burned us once already.

We're not gonna get burned again.
Nice try.

Uh, thanks, but, no, thanks.

That's a niggerda--
Nick-Kurt-Dale no from us.

Nick, Kurt, and Dale. Yeah.

So thank you, but adiós.

Okay. You need a ride?

No. I think I'll hang out here.

You know -- escape
from your clutches.

And call the police.

And tell them what? Go ahead.
Call them. Yeah.

We never kidnapped you.
Yeah, you did.

We didn't. Yeah,
you abducted me.

We did not. Yeah, you
brought me back here.

There was a struggle.

Oh, shit! Come on, man!

Things got broken.

What the... And then
you assaulted me.

Oh, shit! What?!

This guy's fucking nuts.
What are you doing?

Hey, Rex. It's off, pal.

Oh, and then you beat me.

Mercilessly.

Oh, wow! Holy shit!

He's "fight-clubbing" himself!

We got a "fight-clubber"!

And then I found my way up here.

Then I found this phone. Then
I picked up the receiver.

Oh, no. And I dialed 9...

don't, don't, don't call. Come on, man.
Joke's over.

...1... don't you
hit the second "1."

don't hit it. Come on, man. don't do it!
don't do it! Stop!

I don't know where I'm going.

I don't even know where you
find pay phones these days.

No. There's some -- there's some
pay phones at the park up here.

Okay.

Boys, we are doing this!

The adventure begins!
Who's fired up?

Such a negative energy.
This is killing me.

Guys, come on. Will you
-- can you actually --

can you scoot over just
a-a-a smidge? Huh?

No. I sit in the middle.

That's his seat, dude.
It's a whole thing, Rex.

I know. It's just
you're crowding me.

I'm crowding this guy now?

He's forcing us to kidnap him, and
I'm crowding him?! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Buddy. Simmer down.

Kidnapping was your idea.
Remember?

Yeah, but then we had
the idea to not do it.

Yeah, exactly. I
sit in the middle!

Hey, hey.

Dale, just do what he says.

Oh, for Christ's sake.

Oh, god. That is nice.
This is way better.

This is bullshit, by the way.

E-excuse me, Dr. Harris.

Was someone in the
office last night?

Uh, my sex addiction
group met here at 8:00.

Oh. Yes.

But, doctor, the keypad
logged an earlier entrance.

Really?

Let's check our fancy
new camera system.

That's a gay guy. It's so weird.

He didn't bone me like a gay guy.
You know what I mean?

He only cried like a little bit.

And he was oddly squeamish
about his own asshole,

which is weird.

It's so weird.

Yeah. That's what I thought.

Is that...Dale?

What's he doing with
Kurt and blanston?

Should we call the police?

No. No. I'll take care of them.

Enjoy.

It's good stuff.
Learn something.

All right, guys. It's ringing.

Remember -- you guys
hold all the cards.

Game faces. You are
going to crush this.

Okay, wait. Hold on. Hold on.
He knows what we sound like.

We got to, like, use an
accent or something.

You know what I mean? Accents? No accents.
That's ridiculous.

No, that's a great idea, kurty.

Boulder stream.

Accent. The secretary. Who is this?
The secretary?

Uh, hey, homey!

Let me speak to Mr. Bert hanson.

No, I don't mind holding. Yeah.

I just barely even called
you right now, already.

That's incredibly racist.
Super racist.

Just -- just do -- just
a Southern accent.

Southern? Southern I got.

Southern, Southern. No problem.

Hanson.

Well, howdy, there, partner.

Uh, this here's the gents what
got your young 'un and all.

And, well, we -- we got
some talkin' to do and --

Southern. Not old prospector.

I thought that was pretty good.

Listen, you low-life
bottom-feeder.

I don't have time for
this little fuck-around.

Either this ends right now,

OR IT ENDS WITH BULLETS

Now, you hush there.

You don't scare us one bit.
We got your boy.

Huh? I'll bet that tears
you up somethin' fierce.

Oh, yeah? How do I know
you really have my boy?

Dad!

Dad, is that you? Please!
They're -- they're crazy.

They told me if you call the
police, they'd kill me.

Please. Please do
whatever they say.

I don't want to die, dad!
No police!

Oh! God!

Rex? Rex? Where are you?

Now, you listen here.

Y'all gonna have to wrassle up

that 5 million bucks in cash.

We're looking at all $100s.

Unmarked. Unmarked.

No tracers. No tracers.

And no dye packs neither! Sure.

Otherwise, we gonna
take your boy

and string him up by
his pretty little neck

with the roughest,
coarsest piece of rope

we got in our rope inventory.

You understand? You got
24 hours before he dead.

Boom! Yes.

That is how it's done.
Let's go. All right?

Guys, that was great! Mm-hmm.

That was so much fun! Yeah!

Absolutely. You were incredible!

Thanks. Thanks for
getting us snacks, dude.

You earned it.

All right. So now what?
What do we do?

Okay. What's the plan?

I say we go back to the office.
Mm-hmm.

Okay? Lay low for a little while.
Yeah.

And we
wait for that money train to roll in.

Choo-choo!

Choo-choo! Choo-choo, baby!

Oh, turn up this song!
I love this song. Mm!

We're doing this thing!
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

You know, I hate to
break up the car party,

but, Rex, you don't have a
plan for the ransom drop,

and that is the part where
people get caught, okay?

Wow. Wow. God.

The ransom drop is only hard

if the police are involved.

Yeah, dude! Yeah. That's right.

But what if he does
call the police?

'Cause that wouldn't be good.

He's a billionaire.

Well, he's not gonna risk
my life over $5 million.

After Kurt's little performance
back there... Aw, come on.

...there's no way he's
gonna call the cops.

Trust me. My performance?

What about yours? You
were so in the moment!

You think so? You were great!

And you were great! Get your mouths
off his dick, okay? Come on.

I'm just saying everyone was, you
know, doing pretty good. Whoa, whoa.

Take it down a notch.

Wait. Shut up! Shut up, shut up!

Shut up! This is Stacy.

Oh, my god. I
forgot to call her.

Uh, hi, honey!

Where the hell have you
been all night, Dale?

Now, here's what happened --

I fell asleep at the
office, really?

Because find my iPhone said you
weren't even at the office.

What, are you
cheating on me, Dale?

Look, you're -- you're upset,
and you're -- oh, shit!

Oh, god. God damn it.

He called the cops.
Oh, we're busted.

Busted?! Oh, my god!

Well, fucker, drive or pull in.
I'm not busted, honey.

No one is busted in like
a bad sense of the word.

Too late. Lupe's got us.
Pull in.

Okay. We're pulling in.
Put your head in my lap.

Honey, no one's head's
going in my lap.

It's just something that
the guys are saying now.

What the hell is going on?!
I can't talk!

Hide, hide, hide, hide, hide.
I am fucked!

Okay. Let's just go in.

We got to be calm and just be cool.
Shit. Hi.

Gentlemen. You own this establishment?
This place here?

Oh, boy. I don't know. Do you really
own anything in this lifetime?

We -- we're renting. We're currently
renting the... You know what I mean?

It's all just
material and matter.

We -- yes. Yes.
Electrons, protons.

What? Yeah. We do. I
mean, technically, yeah.

Let me ask you, has your company

done business recently with a Mr.
Bert hanson?

Barb fanson? Doesn't ring a bell.
No, he said --

not really ringing a bell. I
don't think that we have.

Yeah. No, no,
that's not our guy.

Oh, well, that's interesting.

The way I hear it,
you're working with him,

and things didn't shake out
too well for you boys.

Oh, that Bert! Oh, Bert hanson!

Oh, yeah. Is that what he said?

Oh, yeah, yeah. We know him.
Yes. We know that guy.

You know, we had a
business disagreement.

No big deal. We liked the guy

and definitely don't think his son deserves
to be kidnapped. Yeah, yeah. Mm...

Kidnapped?

Who said anything
about kidnapping?

Uh... I... I want
to say you did.

No, I didn't. I think
I heard you say it.

No, I didn't. I
feel like you did.

I sort of heard it, too.
You said "kidnapping."

I was like, "what a weird
word!" Yeah, yeah.

Should be more "kidnabbing."

No, I did not. Did I say that?

I think you might have said it, sir.
You're sure?

Well, I got a little lost
with all their yammering,

but pretty sure.

All right. Maybe I did.

Hey. Been a long week.

We'll be in touch. Yeah, yeah!

All right, see you guys. Anytime you want.
And don't worry,

'cause the main thing is
that you said it. All right.

Stop talking. Stop talking.

And -- you've done plenty,
plenty of talking.

Where you going? Come back here.
Ca-caw! Ca-caw!

Come over here. We're
going this way.

And I don't want
you to thank me.

I just want you to go home
and enjoy your family.

Enjoy the rest of the
day off, everyone!

You've earned it!

Uh-huh-h-h.

Ohh!

The police were just checking,

making sure we're
locking up at night.

You know, they're keeping
the neighborhood safe!

They're heroes!

Okay. All taken care of.
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

No, everyone's gone. Oh. No, no.

He's spinning out.

I was really clear my
life was in danger.

He called the police anyway.

Yeah.

And since he did,
it's pretty clear

that we're not gonna be able
to continue with the scam.

$5 million is nothing to him.

But I guess it's worth
more to him than my life.

Ooh. I don't... Aw.

I'm his
son, for Christ's sake.

Oh, boy. We got a crier. Yeah.

Look how blue his eyes
get when he's crying.

I'm sorry. This is so
fucking embarrassing.

Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no, no.
No! Hey.

Toilet paper here. You
can blow your nose.

Look at this, okay? Just because
your dad called the cops...

Thank you. ...Doesn't
mean he doesn't love you.

No, of course not!
Oh, my gosh.

Listen, I'm sure it was
just his first reaction.

Absolutely. It's natural.
He's scared.

He's confused. Yeah.

I mean, Dale's a dad, you know?
I'm a dad.

Can you imagine if someone
stole just one of them?

No. I can't even imagine.

You would call the
cops immediately.

No, I don't think I'd call the cops.
You wouldn't?

I couldn't take that risk.

Ohh. No. That's a different situation.
Oh, shit. I'm sorry, man.

Bad example. That
was a bad example.

Maybe some alone time would
be the most helpful.

Why don't we step outside
and give him a minute? Yes.

Right. Yeah. We'll come back.
And don't do

anything rash. We're
just right outside here.

Can I talk to you outside, please?

Oh, boy.

Man, I feel terrible
for that guy.

I know. Are you kidding me?

Poor, poor guy. I mean, that is rough.
I know.

Huh? Rough! Yeah,
that's a bummer.

Are you guys shitting
me in there?

Well, I mean, his dad
sold him out for, like --

honestly, it was
probably nothing to him.

Pennies to him. The
guy's so rich.

That would rock me to my core.

I mean, have a little empathy, Nick.
Please? Yeah.

What are you talking about?

You're acting like you
have Stockholm syndrome.

Yeah. What is that? What
is that -- like jet lag?

No. Dude, do I
look tired to you?

You don't, no.

You don't look tired to me.
I'm fine.

Yeah. Stockholm syndrome is when you
bond with your captors, idiots.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh. Okay.

Well, then hold on a second.

He's the hostage. Yeah.

So technically this would be
reverse Stockholm syndrome.

Yeah, and we don't have that, okay?
Yes. True.

He's just a really, really,

really, really,
really likable guy.

I like him a lot.
He's really likable.

Cool. The guy's a winner!

You know, that's so true.

It's nice to be around
a winner for a change.

Oh, boy. It feels right, Nick.

Come on, man. Here's
what we're gonna do --

we're gonna go in there,
we're gonna tell him

cops were never
part of this plan.

And the shit ends now.
Let's do it.

Come on.

It was a wonderful idea.

Didn't work out.

So I think the best thing to
do is just to pull the plug,

and you tell the police

that the guys who got you
chickened out, let you go.

They're long gone. They
didn't all chicken out.

Now's not the time
to back off, boys.

I say we chop off a
toe, mail it to him,

and double the ransom.

Now you're talking. Yes! Chop, chop, chop!
Yes! Wait. Whose toe?

Not it. Not it. Not my toe.

No one's toe. Keep your toes.

Time to call it off.

Nick! Nick! Come on!

Nick, look at me. Oy.

Look, man, if we give up
now, I'll be just fine.

You know? But you guys...

Your employees,
for god's sake...

Dale's little boys. Girls, Kurt.

Hey, thanks. Yes. Yeah.

...you're all fucked.

Nick, come on, man. Look, man.

You can't just roll over and die

every time your back
is against the wall.

That's right. don't
roll over and die!

Yeah, you got to be careful.

You have to take what's
yours in this --

you have to take it! Take what's yours!
Put your name on it!

Write your fucking name on
it and say, "that's mine!"

And take -- and take it.

I think I'll take
it from here, okay?

He's got it. He's got it.
He's got it.

Listen, right here.
Listen to him, man.

This is where you
want it to come from.

Not us. We don't know.
Rex is -- I got it!!

Yeah. Sorry, Rex. Sorry.

Sorry about that. You got it, Rex.
He's got it.

Come on, man.

Help me help you get
revenge on my asshole dad

and get you paid a million
bucks, cash! Yes.

Boy, it sounds awesome,

but there's no way
to get it done.

That's not true. How
about this thing?

How about this? How about if we
just put our heads together?

We brainstorm a little.

If we don't come up with a
ransom plan that you love,

we pull the plug.

Then you'd let us walk?
You have my word.

But if we do come up with
something really inspired,

then we're in it to win it.

Well, I-I can't stop anybody
from brainstorming.

Me and him -- like that.

All right.

I'll see you upstairs, guys.

¶ Now, there was a time ¶

¶ when you loved me so ¶

¶ I could have been wrong ¶

¶ now you needed to know ¶

¶ see, I've been a bad,
bad, bad, bad man ¶

¶ and I'm in deep ¶

¶ yeah ¶

¶ I found a brand-new
love for this man ¶

¶ and can't wait till you see ¶

¶ I can't wait ¶

¶ so, how you like me now? ¶

¶ how you like me now? ¶

¶ how you like me now? ¶

¶ how you like me now? ¶

¶ how you like me now? ¶

is "vagina" with a "g" or a "j"?

¶ How you like me now? ¶

¶ how you like me now? ¶

¶ how you like me now? ¶

¶ how you like me now? ¶

¶ how you like me n-o-o-ow? ¶

all right.

Let's run it down from the top.

Okay. First, we tie up Rex

in one of those abandoned
warehouses off 3rd.

Then we call Bert
on a dark phone.

It's prepaid and untraceable.

Go to the bench on the 4th
street bridge to make the drop.

Not long enough to
trace the call.

God damn it!

These guys are pros.

I want a tracer put in that bag.

The police are sending everyone
they've got to watch the bridge.

Weapons tight. Eyes on.

All right. Tactical
command, red team.

¶ And I felt the fire ¶

¶ there was
nothing for me to do ¶

here we go.

But when he gets there,

he finds the dark phone that
I planted ahead of time.

Then we call him from
the second dark phone,

and we tell him to
proceed downtown.

Hello?

You're gonna want to
pull into the garage

under the mandrake hotel
and park in space 4421.

There, you will find a red bag.

You will transfer the
money into this bag,

then drive out and await
the location of the drop.

And we tell him if
anyone follows him in,

his son's a fucking corpse.

¶ I am caught up
in your desire ¶

¶ it's flush-in-the-face
desire ¶

And when Burt drives
that far underground,

the police will lose the
signal from his wire.

But when he arrives,
instead of finding a bag,

he finds you three --
disguised, armed, dangerous.

Yeah, but the gun's
not loaded, right?

Of course not. Nobody gets hurt.
Come on.

I then tell him to give
me his jacket and tie.

So, just as the cops
are starting to sweat,

dad pulls out with
the new red bag,

just as he was instructed.

Sir, we have the signal back.

Thank god.

Only it won't be
my father driving.

It'll be our ringer.

We're back on him, sir.
How do you know it's him?

I still have the cash,
and I'm heading to the drop.

I guess it's him. Stay with him.

So, I drive to
the staples center.

Kings have Vancouver.
Great matchup.

Place will be packed.

The cops will stay
with the money

and wait for the kidnappers
to receive the drop.

Hanson made the drop.
Stay on the money.

We got our man. Take him down.

Stay down! Man
Back it up!

A lot of them, too.
Back it up, please.

Son of a bitch!

By the time the cops
know they've been had...

...Kurt's a ghost.

And Nick and Dale
disappear with the cash.

And, finally, I am rescued
from my hellish captivity.

Oh, thank you. Where's my dad?

Dad!

And a week later,
once the smoke clears,

we'll be sitting poolside,
splitting up the cash.

It's raining! Who wants it?!

Yeah! There's enough to share!

Look what came. Who's thirsty?

Who wants some Tequila?

It's cash! Thanks, babe.

Hey, whoa! Dale!

Get your goddamn kids
out of the fantasy.

What? Let them enjoy the pool and let
them enjoy the money, okay? Relax.

They're not even allowed at this pool. They
should be at the kids' pool. That's right.

I can't turn my mind off!
They're in my fantasy.

Guys! Guys! Guys!
Will you stop it?!

Come on! Let's not argue, okay?

We came up with an awesome plan.

It is smart. It is mad creative.

You know, you boys
continue to impress me.

I'm proud of you.

Thanks, man.

You came up with
most of it, though.

I did not, Nick. You did.

That is a lie. It
was a team effort.

You came up with that whole
going into the garage,

Yeah, that was good.

That was brilliant.
That was good.

Kurty came up with the
dark phone business.

That's from "Grand Theft
Auto." I took it.

Genius. Yeah. Thank you.

And Dale, uh...

I had the thing where
you go on the zip line

to the trampoline,
to the skateboard.

Nick shot that down,
though, if you remember.

Yeah. It wasn't a good idea.

It was a bad idea.
It really was.

You had a lot of bad ideas,
though, that led to good ideas.

And that is value.

Thanks, man.

All right, Nick. Look,
my word is still good.

You know, if you --

if you don't think it can
work, we call it off.

It's up to you, buddy.

Where do we get some
untraceable phones?

There we go! Yeah!

That's our guy! This guy!

There we go!

Prepaid with bitcoins.

Jailbroken. 100% untraceable.

We got it. Thanks, man. Solid.
Thank you, motherfucker.

Good luck out there, boys.

What's that laugh about?
Why are you...

I just said, "good luck."

No, that was a sinister
giggle, motherfucker.

You said it with a
little sinister giggle.

I'm not saying that.

I'm just saying
that maybe you guys

might want a little advice.

Boy, that was predictable.
No, thanks. We're good.

You know what, then?
Get the fuck on, then.

Right, that's what I said.
"Get the fuck on." Let's go.

Wait a minute. Hold on.
I don't like this.

Now I want to hear
what he has to say.

Oh, now you want hear?
You know some shit.

You got one on the hook.
Give it to him.

It's gonna cost you 51%
share of your company.

- You're out of your fucking mind.
- Come on.

It's gonna cost you 2%
share of your company.

Yeah, whatever. It's so
weird how you negotiate.

It won't be in existence tomorrow,
probably. You can have that.

There's a middle ground. I'd
like my watch back, though, too.

Here's the advice, young men --

y'all criminals.

It's never good advice, is it? I
can't find the advice in that.

It's not even true, actually.
Exactly.

We're not criminals. We
got dicked into this.

Shut the fuck up!

See, you can't have
this both ways.

Every time you guys come
in here, you're like,

"oh, we're just a bunch
of happy-go-lucky guys.

"You know, once again,
through no fault of our own,

"we found ourselves
in another pickle,

and we can't get our
fingers out of our asses."

Fuck that chicken shit!

You're fucking criminals.

You've tried to kill your bosses.
One of them ended up dead.

Now, you want to
perpetrate a kidnapping?

You three are the craziest

motherfucking criminals
I've ever seen in my life.

You want to pull this shit off?

You got to act like it.

Word.

¶ Unh ¶

¶ unh ¶ ¶ unh ¶

¶ unh ¶ ¶ come on ¶

¶ ha, sicker than your average ¶

¶ poppa twist cabbage off ¶

Oh, that was embarrassing.

We're trying to do a super
cool slow-mo walk, guy.

Come on, man. Easy.

No, no. It's over. Let's go.
Where you going, Nick?

Moronic idea. Come on, man.

I am mortified.
Let's do the walk.

You got to stick with it.

What do you think, Nick?

Should I beat myself up a
little bit more? No, no.

No, no, no, no, no, you don't
need to hit yourself any more.

I just think we
should just go ahead

and just make the call, all right?
Hold on,

before we kick this thing off,
could I just say something?

I'm not really good at this
kind of thing, you know?

Um, my mom died when
I was 4, and, um...

You know, when you're
raised by Bert hanson...

Most of your friends
are shitheads.

Um, yeah, and I know I
dragged you guys into this,

but I-I'm not sorry.

Because...I'm really
glad I met you guys.

Anyway, I want you
guys to have this.

What is it? It's an actual
fang from "predator."

"Predator" the movie? Yep.

I want you to have it.
Here.

For real? Yeah. I swear to god.

Do you like "predator"?

Yeah, I like "predator."

Kurty?

Yeah. Yeah, I like
"predator," too.

I mean also, not the sequel.

Nick? Oh, well...

I didn't like "predator"
when I first saw it,

but it grew on me quite a bit.

I like "predator" a great deal.

Are we talking about him, or are
we talking about "predator"?

I'm terrible with metaphors.

Let's just make the phone call.

It was lost on me.
Most things are.

Yeah.

Hey,
you got that sack of cash?

Yeah, I got it.

Yeah, now I want you to sashay
up to the 4th street bridge.

You're gonna find a bench
there about halfway up,

want you to take a load off.

And you bring the amount
that we agreed upon,

and you come alone.

And if you do, you
will find your son

returned home lickety-splickety.

4th street bridge, he's gonna
have him drop it over the side.

Now, I want every inch covered,

but everyone holds
a safe distance.

Yeah, but not too safe a distance.
Understand?

This bag is your number
fucking one priority.

No, actually, your son's life
is our number one priority.

Yeah, you know what I mean.

Yeah, I think I do.

Does anybody have a visual?

Bridge is still clear, chief.

Hanson approaching.
Eta two minutes.

The blade is in position.

Majestic, in position.

I am in... Kill shot
is in position.

Whoa, "kill shot"?

Yeah, I want to be kill shot.

Then you are kill shot, dude.
I love it.

That's a pretty sweet
name there, Nick.

Oh, easy, easy. We don't
want to use real names

if we're using code names, Dale.

don't say my name either, Kurt.
Mine was an accident.

Yours was clearly
on purpose there.

I'm sorry. I don't think
yours was an accident.

What are you talking about?!

You know, why are we on walkie-talkies?
We're in the same room? Come on.

We're checking the equipment.

We don't need to
check the equipment.

He's on a TV remote control!

You know, I mean, I was
trying to participate.

I didn't have anything to --

hey! Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho! Hold up.
Blade's got a visual.

He's here. He's here.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here we go, here
we go, here we go.

Oh, shit. All right. Kill
shot, make the call.

I'm dialing. Here we go.
Oh, my god.

Hey, what's that?

Who's calling you?

I don't know. It's blocked.

Oh, no.

Hello. Hi.

Who is this? It's me, dickless!

Hey, what're you doing? You're
supposed to call the dark phone.

I did! You've got
it in your hand.

You were supposed to tape
that under the bench.

No, that's not -- I -- oh, wait.

¶ Whoo, whoo ¶

¶ talk dirty to me ¶

¶ whoo, whoo ¶

Oh!

Oh, shit! So, what
phone does he have?!

Bert has Kurt's phone,

with our contact
information on it.

And all the pictures of us from
when we used to be friends?

Are you kidding me?!
Easy, easy, easy.

Knock it off! Okay, look, this
is no big deal, all right?

We'll just punt. We'll
do it tomorrow.

All right? I mean, as long
as we don't call the phone,

- he'll never find it.
- He found it.

He -- what?! How?! Shit.
We are screwed.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
I got an idea.

I got an idea. Okay,
call your phone.

If he's talking on it,

he's not gonna look through it and see
all the contacts. That's a great idea.

Here we go, here we go.
Okay. All right.

¶ Tiger, a fighter ¶

call coming in. ¶ dancing
through the fire ¶

"roar" by Katy Perry.
These guys are confident.

Yeah, hello.

Well,
look like the grasshopper

found himself a blade of
grass to sit upon! Too much.

Hello!

Let's get this over
with, pretend cowboy.

Yeah, now, listen. I
need you to proceed

to the mandrake hotel.

I need you to go
underground into parking.

I need you to get to spot 4421.

You're gonna see a
big, ol' bag there.

Fill it up with that money!

And then I need you to
proceed north onto figueroa

and await further instructions.

W-wait, wait, wait, wait.

And don't think that we don't
know you got the law with you,

'cause that's something
that we do know!

All right?

So if any of them cavalry
follow you down in the garage?

I'm personally gonna stick

a hot poker so far
up your son's ass,

I'm-a pop his teeth
like popcorn!

See?
We're back on track.

Hey, guys,
with game-time traffic,

he could be here in
less than 10 minutes.

How we doing, Kurt? Almost done.

Where are the bellhop costumes?

The what? The bellhop costumes.

Aren't we dressed as bellhops

when we escape with the money?
Like, we come out of the hotel --

what are you talking about? This place
doesn't even have bellhops. No. It doesn't?

I thought there was supposed
to be some sweet-ass --

no, there's no bellhop
costumes in there.

What the fuck are these, man?

It's not Halloween time. It's the
best I could do on short notice.

It's not scary. don't make fun.

Hey, guys, how do I look?

Who the hell are you?
It's me, Kurt.

I know that part.
That looks terrible.

You don't look like Bert,
you look like mark twain.

Guys, none of this is like I pictured
it when we were planning it.

Everything was so much cooler.
No, it'll be fine.

No, it will be good.

It just has to look
good from a distance.

You're driving by.
It's nighttime.

Here we go. Let's do it. Let's roll.
Let's roll. Let's go. Let's go!

All right. Let's just
do what we got to do,

do it confidently and
we should be fine.

Here we go.

Oh! Hi, boys.

Oh, hi.

You -- you staying
at the hotel, or --

is this your hotel?
Are you staying here?

I've been keeping my eye on you

since you broke into my office.

I don't know what's
going on here,

and I don't give a shit.

Julia, why are you here?
What do you want?

I think you know what I want.

No, I-I-I'm not gonna
sleep with you.

Why -- why can't this crazy
bitch get it through her head?

I'm not sleeping with the woman.

Hey. Keep it respectful.
Sorry about that.

Are you kidding me?
don't call her that.

All right, look. I'm gonna
make this really simple.

I'm gonna call the police, and
I'm gonna send you all to jail.

don't do that. Whoa, whoa.
Come on.

Unless Dale plows me.

Why?! Why me?! What is
so special about me?

That's a fair question.
Everybody's wondering. I am.

Did you ever collect
anything, Dale?

Boy, don't get him
going on this.

What do I collect?
Tons of stuff.

"Encyclopedia brown"?

Like, new beanie babies,
which makes no sense.

"Battlestar Galactica."

All right, fine. I
collect some stuff. Why?

Okay, well, I collect cocks.

Cogs? Julia.

"Cocks." Oh, yeah. Well...

Mm-hmm. Right up here.

I've got quite an impressive
trophy room filled with cocks.

We're in there. don't.

And at night,
when I close my eyes,

I reflect on them.

I alphabetize them.

I dust them.

Why are they dusty?

But there's one
little problem, Dale.

See that space,

that empty space,
above the fireplace?

See that?

You got a cock missing?

That's reserved for the only man

who's ever said no to this.

That's you, Dale.
My white whale.

Please, no. Timeout.
Julia, I think we all know

this is just the
addiction talking.

And if you're looking for something
more than just a quick fix,

I can provide you something

that's very meaningful,
something long-lasting.

What? What're you talking about?

I'm talking about us. You
know what I'm talking about.

Us? All of us?

No. That's even better.

No. More the merrier!

Julia. I love this idea.

You guys got a lot of
stuff sticking out.

I got a lot of holes going in.

Just, at one point of the night,

you'd better make sure that
that one is in this one.

Thank you. Ooh. Ohh! That's not
what I meant, you misunderstood.

All right, I'm gonna
go freshen up.

Why don't you guys suck each
other off to get ready?

All right, here we go.
What are you doing?

What do you mean? She's
making us fuck her.

Well, I'm not gonna fuck anyone.
Thank you.

Okay, I am willing
to make love to her,

if that is what is required here.
Are you serious?

Uh, can I borrow this razor?

Yeah. Go nuts.

Any requests? Landing strip?
Dinner roll?

Uh, whatever's there. We're in a rush.
Thanks.

Hmm. Look, I-I don't want to commit
adultery on my wife. I'm sorry.

No, no, no. No, it's not adultery if
you're doing it to save your family.

True. Okay?

I mean, do you really think
Stacy and your little girls

are gonna wait around for you

while you're in
prison for 30 years?

They're not. can't
we just, like,

come up with some
kind of plan, though?

Oh, yes. Absolutely. I got a plan.
Okay, here we go.

Um, areas. Um, I'll go...
Butt, face, puss.

I cannot go in the puss. That's
gonna make me the most guilty.

No, good call. Good call.
Okay, how about this --

how about, uh, butt, face, puss? Yeah?
That's where I should be.

No, I'm trying to talk about
a way where I don't ha--

wait, that's actually good.
Right?

Because maybe if we're switching
positions constantly,

she'll lose track of who's where.
Like a shell game.

Yeah, like a shell game. Right, right.
Three-card monte. Exactly.

Okay, and then I can just,
like, motorboat her boobies,

right, and then like, you
know, smack on her butt.

So long as nothing is done

in a cheap or degrading way.
Of course not.

We'll be as sensitive as Dr.
Phil.

I don't know if I can fuck this woman.
Yes, you can.

Just think about your wife and your
girls, all right? That's true.

Yeah, right, I'll think
about my little girls.

I can get it done.

All right?

Stacy! Oh, no.

Hey, how did you find me here?
Been there awhile?

Find my iPhone!

Ohh!

I knew you were cheating on me.

No, I'm not though. He's not. We're
just trying to stay out of prison.

Prison?

No, no one's going to prison.
No, no, of course not.

'Cause we're gonna kidnap someone.
Kidnapping?!

No! Okay, first of all, the man kidnapped
himself. That's exactly right.

And he forced us.

Dale wouldn't even do the puss.

I didn't even want to do the puss!
I chose ass both times.

I said puss is make
me the most guilty.

Wait! Shut up! You're not helping me!
Shut up!

Okay, look, uh, this is
such a stupid thing, honey.

And easy, and nothing sexual
is even happening here.

Come on, Dale,

this pussy isn't
gonna eat itself.

Julia? Stacy!

Listen to me for one second.
You are sick!

I'm not sick! Please!
Do not follow me!

Can I just explain --

do not follow me! No!
You fucking bitch.

Sorry. Really didn't
mean for that to happen.

Okay, Julia. You want to fuck?

Yeah.

Why not, right? You know?

My marriage is over.
It's basically ruined.

So how about I ruin that pussy?
That sound good?

What? No, no, no, no. You're face.
I'm puss.

Yeah. Oh, no, no, no.
This one's all mine.

What? Let's do it, baby.

Let's do it in the shower, huh?

Thataboy. Is that what you want?

Nice and wet in here.

All right, boys.

I can't save my marriage
from prison, right?

No, you can't. No. Great, Dale.

Let's roll.

We lost the wire. Shit.

Should we send in an unmarked?

We can't risk it.
We'll hold here.

Hello!
Howdy do!

Go on that side. Stop it.

Hey!

What the fuck is this?

I do not need that sass-mouth.

What I need is
that sack of cash.

Now get it over here.

don't you throw it at me.
You slide it.

Do it again.
No, we'll keep it here. Check it.

Holy shit!

Looky there. We did it.

There's a pretty bag. Okay.
All right. Hey!

I'll also take that damn
mobile telephone you took from

the under bottom of
that park bench.

What?

The cell phone! Give
me the cell phone.

Throw the phone over to him.

Now that fancy jacket
and that snappy tie.

Get them off. Get them over. No.

He say "no"? I think
he said "no."

But we got this. don't you
make me use this six shooter.

Man's got a shooter, now.

You make me sick.

You're what's wrong
with America.

Everyone just wants a handout.

Take, take, take from the people

who earn their money honestly.

All right, let's
not chitchat now.

The man does have a gun.
You got a real lip on you.

I will shoot you in the chest.

Well, go ahead. Shoot me.

You don't have the balls.

Yeah, he does! He
got big ol' balls!

Big mouth. Nothing behind it.

Dude! Oh, my god.

What the fuck?! Oh, my god!

What did you do?! Oh, my god!

You shot him! No, I didn't!

Yes, you did! That was not
supposed to be loaded!

What do you mean you didn't do it?!
That's not my fault!

Oh, my god! Wait,
hold --

Man, you should've seen
your faces right now

when you started
blaming each other.

What's happening right now?

I'm fucking you over.

No, no. But we're -- but
we're all friends now.

You know, we are, but what
a great twist, right?

I mean, at first I-I was just
gonna take all the money

and throw you guys
under the bus.

Right? I mean, come on, duh.

But then when dad
called the cops

and proved he doesn't
give a fuck about me...

...I realized -- why just
take a few of his millions

when I can inherit all of them?

And you guys could take
the fall for it, right?

Because in minutes the
police will be down here,

and discover that you three
killed my poor father

with a gun that you
stole from my room

when you abducted me.

That is a lie!

He knows. He knows.

He knows. don't worry, guys.

I'll take it from here.

Sorry, Rex. But we gotcha.

Why just take a
few of his millions

when I can inherit all of them?

And you guys can
take the fall for it.

Ooh, checkmate, bitch.

All right, here.
Let's have that.

Yeah. Yeah. No. Right.
Sorry. Thanks, man.

Didn't want to hold on to
that for two more minutes?

Naw, that was a gift.

Nick, did you park the
prius in the back alley?

I sure did, Rex. Do
you have the keys?

Here you go.

I'm really proud of you guys.
I mean, seriously.

You pulled together. You work like a team.
Just like we planned.

I'm -- I'm
gonna miss you guys.

Okay. Bye.

Catch!

don't -- god damn it. Oh, shit.

I'm sorry. I just
have good hands.

Fuck. Wait. Hang on a second.

Hey, freeze! Freeze!

Dale, come on.

You think I'd give
you a loaded gun?

Ah, shit.

Guys, seriously, I
got to get going.

I got to wait to be saved at
the warehouse by the cops.

See ya.

Oh, shit. Good luck
talking to the cops.

You have your dad's blood
all over your -- ohh!

Can we not keep anything to ourselves?
Fuck me!

I'm so sorry. That's much
worse than what I did.

What did I do?! You're
friends with him.

You introduced me to him.

We're not gonna be afraid of

an unloaded gun,
Rex, you dipshit.

He's got bullets.
He's got bullets.

He's got bullets? Fucking hell!

Kurt, what are you? A 32 waist?

Oh, dear god. He's
gonna rape us.

No. Oh, you just want my p--

oh, he just wants the pants.

That's great.

All time shittiest idea you guys
have ever fucking had. Oh, my god.

I can't believe you
talked me into this.

This guy's dead now!
I know that!

He's fucking dead! We should
have stayed cogs in the wheel.

This is taking too damn long.

Shit. This isn't about the bag.

This is the goddamn drop.

Move in. Everybody move in now.

Please take off
the incriminating pants, Kurt.

Well, what are you
talking about?

Run around in my fucking underwear?
Come on.

Why don't we just throw
the body in the trunk?

We got 5 million bucks cash.
There's police everywhere!

We're not gonna get away with it!
Oh, shit!

Grab the bag. Get the fuck in.

Why? We're gonna lead the
cops to that warehouse

before your boy gets there.

If they see him
out walking free,

they just might believe your ass.
Let's go!

Get the money.

¶ Straight out of Compton ¶

¶ crazy motherfucker
named ice cube ¶

¶ from the gang called
niggaz with attitudes ¶

¶ when I'm called off,
I got a sawed off ¶

hey! Hey, guys! ¶ squeeze the
trigger, and bodies are hauled off ¶

goddamn it. It's those idiots.

Come on! Let's go!

I'm pretty sure following us is
already a part of their plan, Kurt.

You never know. You
want to make sure, right?

What is the seat
belt situation in here?

I got mine. Good idea.
We should put them on.

Guys, can I get one?
Can I get under one?

Just hold on to the dashboard.

Oh, shit! Oh, shit! No,
this is the wrong way.

This is the wrong way! Turn around!
Stop the car!

Who the fuck you texting?
I'm texting my lady.

Put it down! If I don't
check in, she goes crazy.

Are you serious?! Be careful.
Careful.

By the way, what the hell
were you doing back there

in that garage in
the first place?

What's that, now?

Holy shit. What's going on?

You were down there to
steal the ransom money,

weren't you? Listen, I
hustle, I don't steal.

What the fuck does that --

what were you doing in the
garage, motherfucker?

All right, look, I was
thinking there was a chance

that your drop might go south

and that guy would kill
all three of y'all.

And in such a scenario,

you'd rather me have
the cash than him.

A very big assumption.

He was betting against us.
You motherfucker!

I was honoring your
potential death.

Honoring us! What
are we, samurai?

Wait, hold on. Oh, oh, hey!
Train!

Train! Train, train! Train!
Train! Train! Train!

Nice! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

That's how you lose the cops!
That's how you lose the cops!

We're not supposed to lose the cops.
don't lose the cops!

That's the whole idea.

It was a good thought.
We're going back now.

This is great. I really
wish you'd just slow down.

You wouldn't make
mistakes like that.

don't criticize the man.
He's doing the best he can.

Here, I'll let them know.
Hold on.

Hey! We're back!

We'll stay here till
all this shit goes by.

Then we'll all roll.

What the fuck are
these assholes doing?

They get that? Yeah, I think so.
I think they're good.

What is that shit you're carrying around
back there? Hey, yeah. What is that?

It's for my kitties.

Oh, yeah. You got kittens, huh?
Surprising.

What the fuck, I
can't have kittens?

What? Why are you always
jumping on everything?

It's just weird you're hauling around
a cat stand, man. I love pussy.

Hey, can I hop out and
piss really quick?

No, you cannot. We're
in a car Chase.

Super long train. I feel
like I could get it done.

It is a lot of freight.

¶ It's not in the way you look ¶

¶ or the things that
you say that you do ¶

¶ hold the line ¶ eh...It
probably needs...

Eh...Mm. ¶ love isn't
always on time ¶

Aah! ¶ oh, oh, whoa, whoa ¶

¶ hold the line ¶

It's just
too goddamn easy.

I feel like I could've pissed by now.
Let him go.

Open the door. Get him out.
Caboose coming.

Ah, shit!

Oh, shit. Cops!

Cops. Cops! Cops! Shit!
Cops, cops, cops!

What happened? Ah,
you lost your stuff.

You lost your cat stuff. Yeah, you
lost your cat stuff. What?! Damn it!

Okay, there's a man there.
Watch out for him.

Hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, we're boxed in here! Ooh!

Not for long. No,
no, no, no, no, no!

I've always wanted to do this!
Aah!

¶ We've got to, we've
got to make it last ¶

¶ I touch you once ¶
¶ I touch you once ¶

¶ I touch you twice ¶
¶ I touch you twice ¶

Shit.

What?

So where's this place?

It's up here, under the bridge.

Hey, what're you doing?! No, you're
supposed to go under the bridge.

Relax.

The wheels are locked. Pump
the brakes or something.

Yeah, yeah. Shift down.

Put it in park! I can't think!

No, no, no, no! No! No! No!

Oh, fuck!

I'm gonna puke.

Well, what's the next part
of the plan, motherfucker?

There! There! There!
There! There!

Hey! Hey, he's not here.

We beat him! What?

We beat him! Hey!

Hey! Nice job!

Where's motherfucker?

I don't know.

Cops. Cops.

Hey!

Get out of the car.
Put your hands up!

Just relax. Please,
put your guns down. Okay?

All right, we didn't kill anybody.
I swear to god.

I don't give a god damn.
You tell it to the judge.

We didn't kidnap anybody, either.
The guy kidnapped himself.

He's gonna be sneaking in here any second.
You'll see.

Yeah, hey, he was supposed to be
tied up to that chair right there.

That's right. Right behind you.

Who? Him?

Yeah! Oh, that looks bad.

That looks bad.

This fucking guy! You
got to believe us.

That's them! Those
three, they -- they --

th-they tortured me, and then th-they
said they were gonna kill my dad.

Oh, don't listen to that!

That's garbage! No, no, no, no.

Tell me he's okay. Please.

I'm sorry, son.

No!

He killed his father!

He's a very strong actor.
don't buy it.

Get on the ground.

Okay! We're getting down, okay?

I can't believe you're buying
that acting, though, man.

It's really -- I mean, it's
good but it's fucking --

you have the right to
remain silent, assholes.

You have the right to
an attorney, asshole.

Y-- ¶ tiger, a fighter ¶

¶ dancing through the fire ¶

hey. Hey, that's my phone!

He has my phone! That's the
phone Bert had on the bench!

Check that phone!

If he was tied up
here the whole time,

how could Rex have the same phone?
Check the phone.

Exactly. They switched pants!

Yeah. They got it. They got it.
Check it!

It's the same ringtone, sir.

Yeah, th-that's -- th-that's
-- that's my phone.

I have the same ringtone. It's --
it's -- it's an inspiring ringtone.

You were here this whole
time with a cellphone,

and you didn't bother
to call the police?

Ah! Ah-ha! Yes!

Shut the fuck up.

Let me see it. I
said let me see it.

Everybody move the fuck off.

Yeah, he looks pretty
guilty now, right?

He's definitely suspect.

Drop your fucking guns.

You shoot this prick. You
shoot this prick right now.

You drop your guns, or I'll
blow his fucking head off.

You hear me? Move! Move!

Oh, shit, he's gonna
get away with this.

This guy doesn't quit. Jesus.
He's incredibly resilient.

You. Keys in the car?
Keys are in the car.

This fucking guy. Calm down.

This fucking guy took
everything from me.

"Calm down"? "Calm down, Dale"?

No, fuck this fucking guy!

He took my wife, all
right, step away.

He took my kids. I'm gonna
do something about this.

What are you gonna do about it?

Look who's a
predator now, bitch.

Wait, Dale. What are you doing?

Dale! Oh!

Oh, I'm shot.

Cuff this crazy asshole,

and beat the shit out of
him while you're at it.

Dale,
buddy, you okay?

Hey. Oh, wow.

What was that?

Dale, let's put this down. Now,
what was the plan here, buddy?

I don't know. I just overreacted.
It's not even sharp.

Yeah, adrenaline. I get it.
Did it just graze me, or...

No, you got hit in the -- I
went right in me, right?

Yeah, right in the -- square
in the fucking chest.

But you're gonna be fine, okay?

Yeah, yeah. No, no, no. I
don't know about that, man.

That's a lot of blood. don't listen to him.
Hey. You're gonna make it.

Oh, thank you. Hey, Dale, yes,
if you want hope, listen to him.

Good! If you want the truth, I'm
your fucking guy, all right?

Oh, fuck you, man.
This is bad news.

Can we get some help over here?

don't worry, son. We're
gonna get you fixed up.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

That's a big fucking hole. Yeah.

I'm gonna go
to this light right here.

If you've got to
go, you got to go, man.

Please don't let me
die with him talking.

I'll take care of
Stacy and your boys.

That couldn't be more annoying.
It couldn't be more annoying.

I'm not trying to be annoying, I'm
trying to have fun. It's annoying.

Hey! It worked, though.
Look at that.

Look who's talking.
You okay, pal?

You've been drifting in and out, but
it's nice to hear you talking, man.

So, what's -- what's -- what do
the doctors say? Am I gonna die?

Yes. Yes?! No.

We're all gonna die, Nick.
He's old enough to know that.

It's been very touch-and-go,
but you're gonna be fine.

Yeah, the doctors are gonna let you
out of here now that you're up.

How long was I out? Really?!
two years.

Four days. That's better.
Why didn't you play?

I thought we were gonna say two
years or something. No. No, no, no.

That's better. We've
got a woman president!

Ah, shit.

Look who's here. Oh, my gosh!
He's talking.

Oh, yeah. You're talking. Hi!

We'll leave you guys alone.

Please, let me explain everything to you.
No, no, no, sweetie.

'Cause there are so many misunderstandings.
Shh, shh, shh. It's okay. It's okay.

Julia explained everything.

No. don't talk to her. She's crazy.
No, no, no.

She told me everything she put you
through because of her affliction.

"Her a-affliction"?! It's just so
heartbreaking what she's been through.

Hi.

She also told me

that my husband is the only
one that ever resisted her.

Okay. Dale, you are
one lucky man.

Your wife is so
understanding and caring.

Right. So...Beautiful.

She has been so supportive
with the babies and helpful.

Please, it's the least I can do to
make amends for my bad behavior.

Okay. Okay, baby.

I'm gonna find Dr. Mike and
tell him that you're talking.

I'll see you soon. Okay, good.
Yeah, go get the

doctor 'cause I'm -- I'm
feeling a little --

what is going on here?
What's up?

So, I-I'm off the hook? There's no more
white-whale business or any of that?

Mm-hmm. No more.
You're off the hook.

Really?

Did you know that when
men are in a coma...

They can still get an erection?

It's true, Dale. Coma boners.

"Coma boner"? What?

Lots...And lots...
Of coma boners.

Think about it.

Oh, shit.

All right, well, I better go.

I'm booking a spa day
for me and Stacy.

Hmm.

I'm gonna fuck your wife, Dale.

No, no. No.

Uh, no, you're not. Hang on.
Yes, I am.

Hang on. No!

Hey! There she is.

Boys. You look fantastic.

Mm-hmm. You know, been sending
you a lot of unanswered texts.

That's not how you catch them, am I right?
I think she said she's gonna fuck my wife.

"Gonna fuck"? I thought
she already did. Oh,

boy, yeah. That horse
may have left the barn.

I figured those guys have been bumping
tacos for the last few days. Shit.

Super touchy-feely lately. I can't
process this. This is too much.

Anyway, so, like,
what's even going on?

What happened? Did we get in
trouble with the police, or...

W-we did, yeah. Yeah. A lot.

We got arrested for a long
list of felonies. Mm-hmm.

But because you took a
bullet for the detective,

d.A. Got rid of a
lot of the biggies.

Pretty sweet.

All right, so I'm guessing
we saved the business.

Nope. We did not.
No. We did not.

The bank foreclosed
a couple days ago.

Going once, going twice, sold!

D.H. Commercial trust.

But there's good news, too.

The guy who bought the company
is keeping us on to run it.

And then, in the
wholesale department.

If we bring that down
to $300, you've got --

lupe!

Oh! Hola, lupe! Hola, hola.

Mm-hmm.

Uh...Skymall?

Sí! Skymall. Great!
That's great news.

Uh, skymall order is ready to ship!
Yeah, the boss is gonna love that.

Yes, he will. Let's go show him
these great numbers, too. Come on.

Are we happy with these numbers?

Oh, I mean... They're
pretty good.

There's room for improvement.
We can do better.

Oh, my god. I just realized.

You actually thought you
were bringing me good news.

The three of you walked in here

with little smiles on your
fucking pathetic faces.

Why were you born? Why were
the three of you born?

It's like looking at you is like looking
out over the grand canyon of ineptitude.

I mean, it's a wonder your parents
didn't smother you when you w--

- where are you going? Oh, no, no.
- See you next week, boss!

I have an idea -- why don't
you try a suicide pact, huh?!

And I'm not talking about
throwing yourself off a building

or some sleeping-pills
fucking shit!

I'm talking about, you can
fuck each other to death!

Where the fuck do you think
you're going?! I own you!

¶ How you like me now? ¶

¶ how you like me now? ¶

¶ how you like me now? ¶

¶ how you like me now? ¶

Well, we have several
franchise opportunities

available in your area,
but, uh, purchasing a store

requires significant
up-front investment.

Well, in that case...

...start me off with
three locations.

I'm sure that we can
accommodate you, Mr. Jones.

Please.

Mr. Jones? That's my daddy.

Call me motherfucker.

¶ How you like me now? ¶

¶ how you like me now? ¶

¶ how
you like me now? ¶

every -- this guy!

¶ How you like me n-o-o-ow? ¶

okay, first, we tie up Rex

in one of those abandoned
warehouses off 3rd.

First, we're gonna tie up Rex...

First, we're gonna tie up Rex in one
of those -- fuck off, everybody.

As soon as Bert's car
is underground...

The police loses --

Bert's car goes
underground, right?

Police lose the
signal from the wire.

Do you guys validate parking?
Not you

personally. Obviously,
that would be racist.

You're
gonna pull into space 4421.

I got to call you back.

The bank foreclosed
two days ago.

Hey, but there is good news.

Really?

"Really?"

We need to talk to
somebody who's legitimate.

We need to find someone who
can get us our company back.

I can't take you to the next
scene any better than that.

Well, then I would
marry Daniel Craig,

I'd fuck Sean connery, and
I'd kill Timothy Dalton.

I would marry ed helms,
fuck Bradley Cooper,

and kill Zach galifianakis.

Marry crackle...
Fuck snap, kill pop.

Mm-hmm. Right?

Oh, my god, do you know
what this looks like? What?

It looks like we don't
know what we're doing.

Boy, I'd love it if you'd stop
saying my na--

Wait, hang on a second!
Hey, freeze!

Guess who's got the gun now?

Me.

Where do you think
she learned it?

Maybe from the first movie.

Get that chair ready. I'm gonna
take a quick tinkle, all right?

Oh, but I'm thirsty.

Save me a shake.

I just can't say it.

So you want to use the ransom --

Uh...

"Y'all plan to use the ransom
to save y'all bidness."

I just like to hear you say it.

Come on, man.

Help me help you get
revenge on my assho--

...my asshole -- asshole dad!

You have to take what's
yours in this...

In this l--

I mean, you have to...
You have to...

...take what's yours
in this life.

Take it!

Grab it!

You will pass your empty,
sack-less ball sacks --

No, it's not that.

"Empty, shriveled sacks."
They're shriveled.

I should know that
just looking at you.

That's your credit
picture right there.

Here comes the heavy.
I smell dog shit.

Do you really? Yeah.

It might be your acting.

¶ No matter what you are ¶

¶ I will always be with you ¶

¶ doesn't matter
what you do, girl ¶

¶ ooh, girl, with you ¶

¶ no matter what you do ¶

¶ I will always be around ¶

¶ won't you tell me
what you found, girl? ¶

¶ ooh, girl, won't you? ¶

¶ knock down the old gray wall ¶

¶ be a part of it all ¶

¶ nothing to say,
nothing to see ¶

¶ nothing to do ¶

¶ if you would give me all ¶

¶ as I would give it to you ¶

¶ nothing would be,
nothing would be ¶

¶ nothing would be ¶

¶ no matter what you are ¶

¶ I will always be with you ¶

¶ doesn't matter
what you do, girl ¶

¶ ooh, girl, with you ¶

¶ ooh, girl, you,
girl, want you ¶

¶ ooh, girl, you,
girl, want you ¶

You guys like
cool shit like this?

♪ Hope it helped -> bozxphd ♪