All language subtitles for Family.Guy.S14E13.An.App.a.Day.720p.WEB-DL.x264.AAC

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

("Around the World"
by Daft Punk playing)

Oh, cool, somebody put
Billy Joel on the jukebox.

Billy Joel?
This is Daft Punk.

Dappunk?
Wh-- I-- What is that?

That's not even words.

What are you saying?
This is Billy Joel.

It's "Anthony's Song,"
parentheses, "Movin' Out."

First of all, it's "Movin' Out,"
parentheses, "Anthony's Song."

And second of all,
this is 100% not Billy Joel!

You know, when they
recorded "Movin' Out,"

someone left the
studio doors open,

and that's why, at the end,
you hear that car sound.

That's not true either!
No, this is it.

He's talking about going
all around the world

'cause this Anthony fella,
he's moving out.

You know, to live
with Mr. Cacciatore

down on Mulberry Street.

And that's all I'm gonna
say about those two.

Peter, I'm gonna punch
you with this beer mug

till I'm holding
just the handle!

Guys, calm down.

There's one way
to solve this.

I'll just use my phone.

(phone beeps,
song continues playing)

It says "'Around the World'
by Daft Punk."

Thank you!

God, you idiots are exhausting.

Hey, Cleveland, how'd you
do that with your phone?

I'm not an idiot.

I used Shazam.

It recognizes songs and
tells you their names.

Yeah? Hey, what if
I farted into it?

I don't know.
Be my guest.

(farts loudly)

It says "Lana Del Rey."

Wow, how do I get
this on my phone?

You just download it.

It's a app.
What's an app?

They're little programs

you use on your phone
while driving.

Oh, man,
apps sound awesome!

This is a real
game changer!

Like the guy who invented

wearing a sport jacket
with jeans.

So, what can
I do for you?

Well, I've got
to go to church,

but I don't have time
to change from the rodeo.

Excuse me, I thought
you were helping me find a look

that'll let me cling
to my youth in my 40s.

Yes, I'm interested

in cheating on my wife
in Las Vegas.

Gentlemen, I think I can
help all three of you.

Brian, I'm in a bind.

Joanne was supposed to
drive me to the club,

but she's having
throat surgery.

20 years of
menthol slims.

I don't understand
anything you just said.

Just drive me to
the racquet club.

Since when do you belong
to a racquet club?

You know, I do have a life
outside this house.

For example, I also write
restaurant reviews

for the newspaper
under the name Hugh Cornwallis.

Hugh Cornwallis?
He's, like...

Super bitchy, I know.
Now come on, let's go.

So, what? You're gonna
play tennis all day?

No, I might also
hit the treadmill

and watch
Kelly and Michael

on mute with
closed captioning.

"Kelly: It's like kale

"is everywhere these days,
am I right?

Michael: unintelligible."

I love them.

They have such
an amazing chemistry.

Yeah!

Awesome!

Peter, will you
keep it down?

I'm trying to look at
lamps I'll never buy.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

Sweet!
What are you doing?

Well, I just found out about
these things called apps,

so that's kind of
all I do now.

This one's a cool
bowling app I got.

Aw, yeah, strike!

Peter, your phone's
streaming to the TV.

You're clearly
watching porn.

Will you turn it off?

I'm already caught, Lois.
I'm gonna finish.

Peter, I'm...
I'm gonna finish!

Just go over there!

We're gonna be fine,
Lois, you and me.

There you are, Dad.

Where have you been?
I haven't seen you in days.

Ugh. I went out of town
for a little while,

but I made the
mistake of using

this app called
Bear B'n'B.

We're so happy you're
staying with us.

Just a reminder, we ask that
you not use the DVD player,

but you can watch
any of the VHSs.

We have Clear and
Present Danger,

Son of the Mask...

oh, and here's
most of a puzzle.

Okay, well, I don't
want any of that stuff.

Fine. Well,
if the phone rings

and we're not around,
just take a message.

I'm kind of on vacation.

Oh, and just a heads up,
the dog doesn't like men.

Now, we serve breakfast from
6:00 a.m. to 7:00 a.m.

I'll skip breakfast.

Uh, everyone
eats breakfast.

I'm on vacation.

All the more reason
to treat yourself.

The house specialty
is a half-chewed trout

we yanked out of the
river with our teeth.

Ah, there's the bear stuff.

(phone chimes)

Where are you going?

Oh, I'm meeting up
with someone

from my Grinder app.

Isn't that for
anonymous gay hookups?

No, no, no.
This one's a way for guys

who enjoy sandwiches
to connect.

MAN:
You "Meatballfreak"?

Uh-huh.

All right,
let's do this.

Are you also married?

My phone's broken.

I'm not surprised.

It's probably because
of all those apps

you've been downloading.

Don't say "apps"
like you're young.

No, I took it
in the shower

'cause I didn't know
you could pause a game.

Here, Chris.
Your first cell phone!

Yay!

Something my dad held
in the bathroom!

You know, Chris, you could
probably salvage that phone.

If you put it in a bag of
uncooked rice, it'll dry out.

Really?

Yeah. And then you
can use the rice

to pretend someone
wanted to marry you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Mr. and Mrs. Dog
and Meg the Bounty Hunter!

Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today

Holy moley!

Marcy Miller!

She bought feminine products
at my dad's pharmacy,

so you know
she's up and running.

Yeah, I wish I had
the guts to talk to her.

Talk to her?

Chris, no one talks
to each other anymore.

If you want to get
a girl's attention,

you text her a picture
of your penis.

What? Really?

Are-Are you sure?
Oh, yeah.

People who send their daughters
to public high schools

are basically
asking for this.

Well, I did just get
this new phone from my dad.

(camera clicks)

All right, what could go wrong?

It worked out great for...

("Yakety Sax" playing)

Ah. This is it, Bri.

The Quahog Racquet Club.

Where frail old men come
to weigh themselves in the nude.

Does that say 84 or 85?

It says 63.

Oh, dear.

How'd you get all those
cuts on your butt?

Wow, they allow drinking here
at 10:30 in the morning?

Oh, yes, half the bathroom trash
is thrown-up scrambled eggs.

Okay, so this place
has hot women,

morning booze
and free vomit?

Maybe I'll join you.
You don't play tennis.

What are you talking about?
I'm a great tennis player.

You are? Well, that's perfect.

There's a doubles tournament
coming up,

and I could really
use a partner.

Well, you found him!

All right, all right,
I suppose we can make this work.

Like that actress
from Rizzoli & Isles

and her husband do.

Honey, I thought
we could do

a little
role-playing tonight.

Oh, yeah? What'd
you have in mind?

Maybe I could be
my character from the show.

Oh! Yeah!

From the show!

Sure.

Um... oh, no!

It's the... law
enforcement woman.

Part of that great team
of Rizzoli and Isles.

You don't know
what part I play, do you?

Hey, look, you didn't marry me
because of my brains.

You married me
because I play

one of the main bad
guys in Blue Bloods.

Now let's just stop talking
and have idiot actor sex.

Thank you for coming,
Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.

We've got a bit
of a situation,

which is why I've asked
Officer Swanson to join us.

It appears Chris sent an
inappropriate photo of himself

to one of his
classmates.

That's right.

He texted a picture
of his peenie.

Oh, my God!

And apparently the girl...
Oh, thank God.

...he sent it to
doesn't like him back,

so she turned him in.

Okay, I can see
everybody's mad, but...

what'd you think?

Thank you for
bringing this

to our attention,
Principal Shepherd.

We'll make sure
Chris apologizes

to that little
knob-tease.

I'm sorry, Lois,
but it's not that simple.

When Chris sent
that picture,

he was technically
distributing child pornography.

Child pornography?!

Joe, that's crazy!

He's just a teenager
who made a bad choice.

I don't know what to say, but
the laws just haven't caught up

to how cool kids are now.

I'm sorry, but this makes Chris
a sex offender.

Oh, my God!

Huh.

Well, I'm not about to make
a Batman exit right now,

but has that thing
always been over there?

Over where?

What are you doing, Peter?

Ah, you looked back
too fast.

Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker.

Today, we bring you a disturbing
case of child pornography.

Local teenage scumbag
Chris Griffin,

whose name will be omitted here,

was caught sending,
quote-unquote,

"graphic selfies of his hog"--

not sure where
that quote is from--

to another underage student.

Coming up next, teleprompter guy
puts the period in a weird.

Place.

Oh, this is awful.

Now everyone in town
knows I'm a sex offender!

We know you didn't
mean any harm, Chris.

We're just living
in a different time.

When I was your age,

boys used to just
whip it out on the bus.

Can't I just go on the news
and tell everyone I'm sorry?

Oh, I wish you
could, sweetie,

but the law says that,
as a sex offender,

you have to complete
a rehabilitation course.

Oh, that sounds awful.

Eh, can't be any worse
than our trip to Hawaii.

Okay, before you do
anything else,

I'm deathly allergic
to pineapple, pork,

rum, macadamia nuts,

stupid tiny guitars,
overpriced golf,

sentimental
military stuff, lava,

people who I can't tell
are black or Asian,

apostrophes,
anyone twirling flames,

second weddings
and linen pants.

Is there anything
you're not allergic to?

Yeah, the Epcot Center.

Where I wanted to go.

Good evening, I'm Glenn
Quagmire, your instructor.

Everyone look to your left.

Now look to your right.

All of you are sex offenders,

and statistically
you will all be here again.

Because this has never worked
in the history of doing this.

Now, today, we have a new
member-- giggity-- Chris G.

ALL:
Hi, Chris.

All right, before we begin,

whoever's driving
a windowless van

painted like an ice cream truck,
your lights are on.

Okay, next,
let's take a few minutes

to talk about
our new, fake interests.

Here's a clay pot I made.

I've started following
girls' field hockey.

No, come on.

You're supposed to pick
from the list.

Mr. Quagmire,
this is terrible.

And do I really
have to be here?

Well, the law does
give you a choice.

This or chemical
castration.

What's that?
You take a
ton of pills

that completely wipe
out all sexuality.

Oh, is that what
Michael Moore did?

No, but I understand
why you'd think that.

Now, do you want
to see the list?

I could take a whack at
hand-distressing furniture.

We don't say "whack."

(grunting loudly)

Very good, Stewie.

You grunt like
a Hungarian lesbian.

(sighs)
Thanks, Dimitri.

And, uh, your testicle's hanging
out of your shorts again.

I am cooling it.

But where is
this partner of yours?

I don't know. He was supposed
to be here 15 minutes ago.

(laughter)
You're right.

So, anyway,
my ex said,

"If you bring home
one more tennis trophy,

I am out of here."

Well, she was gone
in two days.

(laughter)

Oh, Brian.

"O'Brien"?
That's my Irish cousin.

(laughter)

What are you doing?!

We're supposed to be
practicing for the tournament.

Stewie, relax.
I promise we'll practice,

but we just ordered bisque.

How are you
paying for that?

Well, if you must know,

we're putting it on Philippa's
husband's account.

Does Burt know
about this?

He would if he wasn't
working all the time.

Thank you, Brian.

Now, come on, let's have more
hard liquor and creamy soups.

Ugh.

Meg, can you hand me
the paper plates?

I can't believe we're
having an ice cream cake

to celebrate Chris graduating
from sex offender school.

Well, the opportunities
to celebrate

don't come often
in this household.

There he is, Mr.
Former Sex Offender.

But Mom, it's not
that big a deal.

All I did was finish
those creepy classes.

I know, but now your
record is clear.

You can go back to
being a normal boy

and put all this
behind you.

Hey, Chris, wait till
you see the funny thing

I had 'em put
on your cake.

"Happy sixth
birthday, Timmy"?

Uh-oh, they must
have mixed them up.

"Nice crank,
you dirty little bastard"?

Sorry, I'll take that.

Here's your cake.
I ate a great deal of it.

Oh, there you are.

How was your first
day out of rehab?

It was terrible.

Taking that class
made no difference.

Nobody wants anything
to do with me.

Hi, Mr. Herbert.

Oh, my God.

Children, run!

It's that pervert!

Everybody into my
safety basement!

(boys gasping, shouting)

(sharp snap)
Oh!

Oh, that
was a bad snap.

I'm hurt, kids!

Don't eat those popsicles
till I get down there!

Well, I'm glad we're finally
getting some practice in.

Yeah, nothing like
running around

after eating
a seafood tower.

What are you
doing here?

You're supposed to
be at the baseline.

Yeah, baseline,
baseline.

Right, right.
He's serving to you.

Get back there!

(grunts)

You've never played
tennis, have you?

Not once.
Damn it, Brian!

I entered us in
that tournament

because you said
you could play!

And I will not
be humiliated

in front of shallow,
rich alcoholics!

Hey, Chris.

I see you walked
across the grass again

instead of
using the walk.

You're really wearing
a path, aren't you?

We call that
Chris's Trail.

Right there.

Chris's Trail.

Mr. Quagmire,
I completed that sex rehab

and I paid my debt to society,

but people are still afraid of
me, like I'm some kind of creep.

How do I get them to treat me

the way they did
before all this happened?

You can't. I'm sorry, Chris,

but you're just gonna have
to accept that from now on,

people are gonna see you
as a sex-crazed pervert.

And there's nothing
you can do to change that.

Wait a minute,
maybe there is.

Thanks, Mr. Quagmire.

No problem, Chris.

You keep that
chin up, huh?

I will.

Hey, can I ring
your doorbell?

No, I'd rather you...
(doorbell rings)

(cat shrieks)

That's why "no," Chris.

That's why "no."

Chris? What the hell
happened to you?

(androgynous voice):
Mother, Father,

I decided to have myself
chemically castrated.

Why the hell would
you do that?!

Now nobody will have
any reason to be afraid of me

or think I'm a pervert,

and everybody can just
treat me like normal again.

Oh, my God, I can't believe
my son's some kind of weirdo!

Oop, here comes
another sandwich.

I can't even look at you.

(androgynous voice):
Has anyone seen my sandals?

Yeah, no, nobody's seen
your sandals.

Well, I'll just have
to make another pair.

Look, Chris, I know you
think chemical castration

is gonna solve
your problems,

but you have to stop
taking those pills.

I don't have to do anything,

besides get to the wind chime
store before it closes.

There can't be
a whole store.

To be fair, they also have
a couple of kaleidoscopes.

Ah, can I come?

Lois, can I go to the store
with that thing?

Splendid. I'll go get
my burlap wallet.

Wow, we rolled three gutter
balls on these kids, huh?

My word, Brian,
you're really improving.

We might actually
win this thing.

Thanks. You know,
I just pretend

that tennis ball
is Mitch McConnell

trying to roll back subsidies
on the Affordable Care Act,

and I'm like, "Nope!"

Yeah, I-I don't... I don't
need to hear your process.

Look, I'm just happy
you pushed me,

'cause now I can't wait
for that tournament.

I know,
it's gonna be great.

And I already know exactly
where I'm gonna put that trophy.

So the baby died?

Yeah, the baby died.

But, look, first place.

Chris, your mother and I want
you to stop taking them pills.

There's a lot of great things
about having a sex drive

that you're missing out on.
Like what?

Well, there's the post-orgy
meals at a swingers party.

Come on, let's eat with
these wonderful people.

Hey, everybody,
try my wife's ambrosia.

If you liked my wife's snizz,
you're gonna love her ambrosia.

I was thinking about
this seven-layer dip

the whole time I
was chowing Ronald.

I don't like this.

I want to go home.

You know what's sad?

There's hardly any other
fathers and sons here.

I don't know, Lois.

I just don't think Chris
is gonna change his mind.

(sighs)
I know.

It's only a matter of time

before he shaves
one side of his head

and swoops the rest
of the hair over.

Why, is that...
is that bad?

Good early
evening, everyone.

I have celebratory news.

With all the free time, I'm
no longer devoting to onanism...

That's spanking it?
Yes, Peter.

...I have managed to redirect
that energy into my studies.

In fact, today I received
the Kaplan Prize in biology.

Chris, that's great!

Not only that, I got the highest
score on my Spanish test,

and I even joined
the debate team.

That's amazing!

All right, well, I'm gonna
put some flowers in a wagon

and walk around town.

You know what, Peter?

Maybe there's a silver
lining to this fiasco.

Not thinking about
sex all the time

seems to have allowed Chris
to excel in other areas.

He does seem sharper.

Heck, the old Chris
couldn't even figure out

the self-checkout
at the supermarket.

REGISTER: (beeps) Please place
the item in the bagging area.

Please remove the item
from the bagging area.

Please take a plastic bag
from the bagging area.

Please put the bag over
your head and tighten.

(gasping)

(laughing)
(laughing)

I told you I could
make him do it.

That's hard-core, man.

You're hard-core.

All right, Brian,
we win this set,

the tournament's ours.

Yeah, come on,
let's do this.

I can already see our
names in the newsletter,

right below the deaths
from the previous quarter.

Out.
What?!

Your ball was long.

Are you (bleep) me?!

That thing was in!

You're gonna penalize us

because you're a blind (bleep)
blue jacket (bleep)?!

Stewie, calm down.

I will drop you
to your knees

and shove my racket so
far down your throat

you'll be (bleep)
my grip for a week!

Warning, Mr. Griffin.

Oh, you're warning me?!
I'm warning you!

I'm gonna go to your house
and (bleep) your wife!

You proud of yourself,
tennis club security guard?

Your kids look up to you?
Big man.

Throwing out a baby and a dog.
Tough guy.

Maybe I'll see you later when
you don't have that name tag on.

I thought your
shot was in.

Oh, hey, pound it, dude.

So to find the area
of this circle,

we're going to need to use pi,
whose digits go on forever.

(chuckles) Can you imagine
if our pi was endless?

We'd all be changing
our belt sizes.

(chuckles)

Thanks, Chris.

Wow, that was
really something.

Marcy?

I had no idea you were
such an amazing tutor.

And I really like
your pendant.

Thanks, but why are you
being so nice to me?

You got me in so much
trouble before.

Yeah, I'm really
sorry about that.

That was just my dumb,
overprotective dad.

Really?

Yeah, he took my phone to look
at pictures of my friends,

and he found the
one you sent.

I bet that caught him
by surprise.

Definitely.

Well, I hope you know
that's not who I am anymore.

I do, and I hope I didn't
cause you too much trouble.

(alarm blaring)

This is not a drill!

I repeat, not a drill!

Good to be back doing
this again, huh, Bill?

What, shoveling
coal into a penis?

I was sleeping.

What's happening?!

(normal voice):
I don't know.

Someone... someone get me
nude art books!

I need nude art books!

Oh, good, Chris.

You can hang this
New York Times back on...

(gasps):
Oh, a pee-pee!

Well, Chris, you
killed that librarian,

but we're glad to have you
back to your old self.

Mrs. Lapardo worked at
that school for 54 years.

Well, at least
she saw a little wang

before taking that dirt nap.

Thanks, you guys.

I guess chemical castration
isn't for everyone.

I-Is that... is that
the lesson for this week?

Uh, I guess it's that or
be kinder on the tennis court.

Where have you been?

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

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