All language subtitles for (1984)DoubleTrouble[ING]

("What's Going On In
Brazil" by Franco Micalizzi)

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(car explodes)

(band tuning up)

We're waiting
for the sax player.

He'll be here any minute.

Listen, my friends.

(audience grumbling)

(audience applauding)

Know what happened?

Couldn't find the
key of my cell.

(audience laughing)

Don't laugh, the warden
threatened to change the locks.

What would you like to hear now?

Mississippi Dream?

(audience applauding)

One, two, three.

("Mississippi Dream")

It's fantastic,
really fantastic.

Look at his face, those
shoulders, that neck.

Incredible, John.

We finally found him.

(audience applauding)

Thank you, you're
a great audience.

What do you want to hear next?

I've got to talk to you.

Sorry, I don't know
"I've Got to Talk to You."

Mr. Wonder, we
must speak to you.

It's extremely important.

Okay, you're on
your own, guys.

One, two, one, two, three, four.

(jazz music)

Well?

Magnificent.

Mr. Wonder, you're our man.

I think there's been
some mistake, girls.

Oh, please don't
misunderstand me, Mr. Wonder.

We are businessmen.

We've come a long
way to New Orleans

to offer you a one
million dollar deal.

One million dollars?

Right.

I just drew 10 years
because of some guy's

fool-proof get
rich quick scheme.

You doubt him?

The bag.

Here's the money.

Yeah, how much?

$50,000.

(Greg mutters)

Bottom line.

We're not authorized
to tell you.

You'll hear about it
from our chief in New York.

Whether you accept
the job or not,

you get to keep the
$50,000, Mr. Wonder.

No one will ask for it back.

With my luck it's counterfeit.

Well, what do you
say, Mr. Wonder?

I say the whole thing stinks,

but I figure I can
live with the smell.

Will you cut out the
funny stuff, Eliot?

Swallows can do such things,

but only when they're
in good shape.

[Eliot On Radio] I'm in
great shape, watch this.

(ultralight buzzing overhead)

Excuse me.

Can you tell me where
I can find Mr. Vance,

Mr. Eliot Vance?

Yeah.

Hey!

He took my hat!

Who the hell is that madman?

That's Eliot, Eliot Vance.

Hey Mike, how
do you like that?

We can put it in the act.

Set a scarecrow with
a hat on his head.

Well, what do you say?

[Mike On Radio] Hey, this
guy here wants to talk to you.

Says it's important.

Who is it?

[Mike On Radio] The scarecrow.

May I talk to him?

Hi, Mr. Vance, we
need to talk to you.

It's real urgent.

[Eliot On Radio]
Sure, just come up here.

Mr. Vance, even if it
means one million dollars

in your pocket, sir?

What?

There must be a bad connection.

I thought someone
said a million bucks.

Whether you accept the
offer or not, Mr. Vance,

there is $50,000 waiting
for you down here.

Mr. Vance...

That's yours.

Was mine.

Mr. Vance, accept
our offer and you can

stop fooling around
with that silly toy.

I kind of like that toy.

This is your advance money.

Huh.

And what am I supposed to
do with this small change?

The agency boss in
New York will tell you.

We're not authorized
to say any more.

You guys expect
me to buy this?

Just think of it.

There are 20 more other
envelopes like this one.

Huh, in that case I'll buy it.

(elevator music
playing in office)

If you'll just wait
a second, Mr. Wonder.

Hi, Susan, Mr. Wonder's here.

J.G.'s in
conference right now.

It'll just be a
minute, Mr. Wonder.

(talking indistinctly)

Guys, tell the boss to
move it, I can't wait.

Well, Mr. Wonder, he's
just winding up a meeting

with very important clients.

He won't be long, sir.

Hey.

Hey what?

What do you mean, "hey what?"

The door.

Oh, the door.

Yeah, the door.

Doors are made for opening,
didn't you know that?

(Greg hums a saxophone solo)

Hey, is that the only
tune you know, hmm?

(Greg growls and hums
a different tune)

Sir, when are you going to
take off on those bobsleds?

(Greg hums a different tune)

Hey, what do you guys think?

Was he born that way or
did the door make him tilt?

Hey, listen to me, blue-eyes.

Hey, this is not the
right place for this...

Mr. Wonder.

You may go in now.

If you want to commit suicide,
be here when I come out.

[Secretary] You
too, Mr. Vance.

Wait a second,
Godzilla's on his own.

Please.

Whoops.

Where's the million bucks?

Yeah.

Extraordinary.

Really fantastic.

Great job, boys.

You can go now, and, thank you.

Make yourselves at
home, gentlemen.

It's a real pleasure,
having you guys here,

both of you together.

Sit down, gentlemen.

Ah.

Your, uh, twin daughters?

Mrs. Thatcher.

Members of the board.

Oh.

Gentlemen, I must confess,

you are the jewels
of this organization.

Finding one is difficult, but
two, on such short notice.

Well, let me say it's...

It's, it's...

It's what?

No adjective can describe it.

Too bad, I'd like
to know what "it" is.

Yeah, it's a million.

Let's start by saying...

That man of yours
offered me a million bucks.

Yeah, same here.

You gentlemen
are the result of

an extremely sophisticated
study program.

The living proof of
the unimaginable.

What about the million?

Yeah.

I'll come directly to
the point, Mr. Wonder.

[Both] Yeah, the million.

Our organization is
the only one in the world

that specializes in
doubles (laughs).

You mean, ringers?

We research, find,
and persuade individuals

who are the spitting
images of those

who ask us for our help,
to collaborate with us.

Look.

These are some of our
spectacular finds.

That's incredible.

You said it.

These are our masterpieces.

Mrs. Thatcher, the Pope.

He needs no introduction.

Oh, by the way, the
President's double

is an extremely fine actor.

Brezhnev, Roosevelt.

You know, we sent a
substitute Roosevelt

and Churchill to Yalta,
but without our knowing it,

the Russians sent a fake Stalin.

That's what created
all the chaos at Yalta.

They were all absolute doubles.

Yeah, but what's
it all in aid of?

In order to be in two
places at the same time.

One step toward the
ubiquity of the gods.

And where the hell do
you find these doubles?

All over the world.

And you convince
with the million.

In your cases, yes.

Wait a minute.

You mean to say that
somewhere in the world

he has a look-alike?

Yes, Mr. Vance, you too.

There's only one Eliot
Vance, that's for sure.

Naturally, the
name's different,

but in everything else,
judge for yourself.

(Eliot gasps)

Holy Mackerel.

If I didn't know that
wasn't me, I'd say it was.

Lots of class, lots of style.

Ah, shut up.

Now, don't tell me that
isn't you, Mr. Wonder.

Hah, hey look at
this, me in a suit.

[Director] Well,
what to you say?

That's the million?

To substitute for seven
days in every way imaginable.

Who are these guys?

Two of the richest men
in the world, cousins.

They're part of a
dynasty that represents

an authentic empire of wealth.

Uh, they live in Brazil, Rio.

Oh, Rio.

You know Brazil?

Is the Pope Catholic?

They own tobacco plantations,

hundreds of thousands of cattle,

mines, shipyards, hotels, banks.

Why, they're always
in the public eye.

Boy, that's really tough.

So, can I count on you both?

You can.

Good.

When do we start?

[Antonio] Now, we're
expected in Rio tomorrow.

Shut up and let the
boss do the talking.

Are you crazy?

I never opened my mouth.

Gentlemen.

Oh, my God.

Identical.

I don't believe it.

What do you think, gentlemen?

One has to admit that the
physical aspect is perfect.

Quite disconcerting.

One could almost say...

Primitive, don't you think?

Hmm.

First appearances.

Gentlemen, allow
me to introduce you

to Greg Wonder and Eliot Vance.

Hi.

Mr. Wonder, meet
Antonio Coimbra

de la Coronilla y Azevedo.

Hi, Tony.

Tony.

Mr. Vance,
Bastianio Joao Coimbra

de la Coronilla y Azevedo.

Anyone ever tell you
you're really cool, Basty?

Seeing that we still have
certain things to clear up

and secrecy being
the order of the day,

I've taken the liberty
of organizing lunch.

For Pete's sake, let's go.

But Mr. Vance, Mr. Wonder.

You'll called them primitive.

They're animals.

Hmm, indeed.

(lighthearted music)

What's wrong, Tony,
you ain't hungry?

I had a snack at my
club, (indistinct).

Want some?

- Why not.
- After us.

[Greg] Great chicken, huh?

(knocking on table)

Come in.

Well, now that we all know
each other, what's the story?

This bit about you being here

when you're supposed to
be there smells fishy.

You don't pay two million
dollars for nothing.

You have enemies, huh?

You know how it is
with business deals.

'Fraid not, this is my first.

Yes, we have enemies,
dangerous enemies.

There's no pity in
the business world.

Your best friend can
become your worst enemy.

The same thing
happens shooting pool.

Mm hmm.

I was attacked in Wall
Street in broad daylight.

Terrible experience.

Fortunately, the police
happened to be passing.

You mean, you
didn't fight back?

There were two of them.

Is that all?

I get it.

We're the bait for
a week, while you...

Return to Rio
on the seventh day

in time to sign a
certain contract.

And that certain contract
is pissing someone off.

Someone will do anything
to stop you signing, huh?

Including murder.

Well, I don't
know what to say.

Say terrific.

I accept, and we accept.

Speak for yourself.

If you don't accept, this
deal goes right up in flames,

and I ain't gonna
lose a million dollars

on your account now, you baby.

May we know the reason
behind your concern?

Yes, Senor Bastiano.

The reason behind
my concern is that

I don't want to block
a bullet with my head.

Naturally, there may be
a certain amount of risk,

but one million dollars
is one million dollars.

I wouldn't be too picky.

We're not picky.

I accept, and we accept.

Hold it, hold it.

Ah, Christ.

What about this, gentlemen?

One million dollars for each
of you for substituting for us,

plus 500,000 for a
mask in your position.

You hear that?

500 grand for tearing
up the bad guys.

Yeah, I can buy that.

This is very risky, cousin.

I would like to suggest
something to you both,

if you don't mind.

Yeah, we're all ears.

Be what you are, free-wheeled.

In other words, don't
attempt to imitate us.

Your personalities are so
magnificently spontaneous

it would be absurd
trying to restrict it.

We're so alike.

No one could dream the truth.

And these seven days
will be remembered as,

as a crazy interlude that no
one will be able to explain.

Don't you agree?

It's crazy, all right.

You know something,
you're a riot.

A riot?

Yeah.

A scream, a gas.

Oh, thank you.

Did you prepare the portfolio
for these two gentlemen?

I have it right here.

May I suggest, dear Eliot,
you change your hairstyle?

No way, you change yours.

(Antonio laughs)

(all laugh)

Hey, blue-eyes, we're
the only ones aboard.

Why's the plane flying empty?

It's been entirely
reserved for you, sir.

I thought you knew.

He's absent-minded.

Absent-minded.

Would you like some juice?

Oh, thank you.

Yeah.

Hey, let's do some homework.

Angel Duarte,
personal secretary.

Scrupulous and diligent.

Sounds like a pain in the neck.

Yeah.

Bernardo the butler.

Nadino and Vinicio, the chofers.

Chofers?

Chofers.

Yeah, chofers.

Zefa, the cook.

Ah, Zefa, lovely.

Oh, cook's helpers,
upstairs maids,

downstairs maids, volanca
and medical staff,

gardeners, grooms,
et cetera, et cetera.

It's an army.

Never thought I'd re-up.

(Eliot wolf whistles)

Who is this?

Dona Olympia Chavez
de Optamirano.

A Baroness of blah, blah, blah,

Duchess of blah, blah, blah,

close friend of
Bastiano Chevalo.

Listen to this.

For years their relationship
has been strictly platonic.

Platonic?

What's that, some
kind of bailment?

Maybe.

Dona Olympia loves Proust,
Bololier, and Whitman.

Huh.

Favorites are Thomas
Mann, Beckett, and Joyce.

Chick gets around.

She's gonna hear from me.

The relationship
with Bastiano Joao

is the talk of high society.

I know why.

You're the only
one not getting it.

I'll change that.

Sure.

Hey, are you married?

Who, me?

Are you crazy?

Not you you.

You Antonio.

Oh, me me Antonio.

I don't know.

Right.

[Greg] Who's this guy?

Albert Van Eisenberg.

Doctor.

South America's
best psychoanalyst.

Antonio's analyst.

What's that?

He's your shrink.

Hmm.

Antonio Coimbra is a
bachelor without romantic ties.

His friend and confidant
is Dr. Von Eisenberg,

two sessions a week
at 15 grand a month.

Hmph, some friend.

You know the rich,
they're always lonely.

Well, that's their problem.

But if we didn't
look like those two,

I'd still be flying ultralights,

and you'd be picking
through garbage cans.

Hmm, looks like you
put on some weight.

Couple of pounds or so.

Eh, you better try doing some
jogging, it's good for you.

I must might.

There they are.

Hey, the chofers.

What the hell
happened to them?

(whistles loudly)

Hey, Nicky and Louder.

You lost something?

No, Senor.

Then straighten up
and take this bag.

Yes, Senor.

Yes, Senor.

Hey, real classy.

I'll drive.

Let's see what this
piece of junk can do.

But Senor, you don't
know how to drive.

Oh really?

I'll give it a try.

In the back, Mighty Mouse.

You gonna stay here?

No, Senor.

(tires squeal)

(adventurous music)

Hey, they think
they're on a race track?

I thought the
Coimbras were supposed

to be scared of going fast.

Yeah, I guess they're
even more scared

of getting their butts shot off.

(men laugh)

(tires squeal)

(metal and glass smashing)

Holy cow, not a bad pad.

Take a week to
find a bathroom.

Welcome home, sirs.

Thanks, Angel.

Hi, buddy.

Any news, Bernardo?

No, sir.

No news is good
news, what they say.

And they knew what
they were talking about.

I'm sure, sir.

Hey, what about
things at the stables?

Fine, sir.

Regina's in splendid
shape this morning.

We enjoyed a quiet campus.

The special fodder came for
her from Ireland by airplane.

Heh, finally.

That's good news.

But I don't see Zefa.

Zefa.

[Zefa] Yes, sir?

What you got
cooking for me today?

Well, today nothing.

Nothing, why?

Well, uh...

But it's the first Thursday
of the month, Mr. Antonio.

What's that got to
do with being hungry?

But sir, tonight Baroness
Sofonia Machado Calvoza

is holding her monthly
cultural meeting.

You yourself told me to
confirm your presence there.

How could I forget?

With a brain like
yours, it's easy.

What time is the
Sofonia expecting us?

At eight, as usual sir.

Well, for starters, I want to

get rid of some of this crud.

Crud, sir?

Yes.

Sure, he's got to
wash up sometime.

The bathroom staff
is waiting for you.

Oh?

What do they do?

(lighthearted music)

The program, sir.

What's it for?

The evening.

The Baroness had it
delivered this afternoon.

Thank you.

Enjoy yourselves, sirs.

Thanks.

You mean you're going to
trust Mighty Mouse to drive?

Nadino.

Yes, Senor.

Burn rubber.

Rubber, Senor?

Yeah, put the
pedal on the metal.

I wish I knew how
the Coimbras fit

in this sardine can
wearing these hats.

Maybe they take them off.

Good thinking.

Did you see my finger?

Wow.

Beautiful, eh?

Ask me what time it is.

What?

Ask me what time it is.

What time is it?

Oh, that's a very
beautiful thing.

Talk about happy
hour, this is it.

Well, what's in the program?

Sonata for Harp played by.

Baroness Sofonia
Machado Calvoza.

Ah, come on.

Followed by the lecture,
"How far advanced is"

"research on establishing
nobility through
blood analysis."

You can't, can you?

[Eliot] Hey, this is better.

A voyage through the
cooking of Tibet.

(laughs) Now you're talking.

The many uses of birdseed.

How do they feed it to us,

in a cage or outside the window?

Well, we've got
to play the game

if we want to catch
those hood, cousin.

Yeah.

But look, I ate very much
better when I was broke, cousin.

Come on, let's start tomorrow.

I want to raise a
little hell tonight.

Yeah, I'm with you.

To hell with the zombies, they
can take care of themselves.

I remember a good place.

Nadino.

[Nadino] Yes, Senor.

To the port.

[Nadino] To the port, Senor.

(loud dance music)

This is more like it.

Hey, wake up you lazy slobs,

let's have a little
movement, a little life.

Come on!

Welcome, sirs.

I have an excellent table
for you right this way.

Here we are.

This is the best table.

It will be ready in a moment.

(dishes clatter)

What would you like, sirs?

What do you got special today?

Rice and beans.

That's fine with me.

Very good, very good.

Very good, two rice and beans.

Make it four.

Okay.

Make it eight.

Eight?

Oh my God.

Ten rice and beans.

Hi there, handsome.

Well, hi there to
you too, beautiful.

Would you buy a (indistinct).

You know who I am?

I'm Bastiano de la Coronilla.

Y Azevedo.

We'll have champaign.

Oh, champaign.

Champaign for everyone
in the house, on us.

Don't go away.

Real heart attack material.

Come on.

Oh, you deserve a
special kiss tonight.

If I hadn't seen
them going in there

with my very own
eyes, I tell you,

I wouldn't have believed it.

I've read about guys
with split personalities,

but this one's the new record.

You said it.

The Baroness is going to lose
her guests of honor, Sidney.

Ah, they're just slumming
before the main event.

They're going to get more
than they bargained for.

Come on, let's go.

Jesus.

I don't know where
to start first.

Yeah, same.

This is living.

Yeah, they ought to
give a lecture on this.

You bet.

(crowd grows quiet)

Good evening, Tango.

The place is full, but
I'll find a table for you.

No, I want your best table.

[Owner] But, but
that table is taken.

I want that table.

Yes, right away.

(inaudible)

What's going on?

Well, don't look now, but
those guys want our table.

No.

The owner says it's
just an excuse to bug us.

No.

This gentlemen here is
the meanest one of them all.

He likes to scare people.

You know, he'll make
mincemeat out of us

unless we give him our table.

You're kidding.

He's the best hit man in town,

and he likes to be called Tango.

He does?

Mm hmm.

The fact, dear cousin,
that he calls himself Tango

in the land of
the samba tells us

we are dealing
with a total idiot.

(Greg laughs)

(Tango grunts)

[Greg] Right in the beans.

[Thugs] You okay, boss?

After them!

(men fighting)

Watch yourself.

Don't get up.

Hmm, Miller time.

Show him how we
deal with people.

What are you taking a nap for?

Go get him, go!

Hey.

I'll give you one chance.

Karate kick.

Hey, let go of my foot.

En garde.

Touch.

Touch.

Here, hold it.

Thank you.

You hurt yourself?

It doesn't hurt.

Hey, still hurts?

Hurts now.

(dishes crashing)

You gonna take him home?

Who, Marvelous Marvin?

Nah.

I was just going to the john!

(glass shattering)

(Tango laughs)

Hey boss, they ain't here.

[Greg] Keep looking,
you'll find us.

Peekaboo, here we are.

Okay boys, this time
they're not getting away.

(police sirens approaching)

The cops!

Let's get out of here.

(camera shutter clicking)

The two chauffeurs
raised the alarm.

Though the police
arrived in force,

they were not quick enough
to apprehend the assailants

who, seeing that things
were going against them,

escaped into the night, with
their tails between their legs.

When asked to identify his
attackers from the police files,

Antonio Coimbra surprised
everybody by saying

he was not a stool
pigeon, and furthermore,

that he had no intention
of ratting on anybody.

You stupid dumb turkey!

Boss, sorry, I...

Yapach amateurs.

I've been in
business a long time,

and not once has anyone landed
me with a buzz up like this.

They took us by surprise.

Ah, all eight of you.

Hey boss, it was you told us

they were a couple of pansies.

I'm not interested
in excuses, dummy.

My client wants results.

Don't worry, it
won't happen again.

Next time, believe me, I'll
take them both out personally.

Good.

The same tone from
Cousin Bastiano,

who losing his legendary
self-control...

No.

Shocking.

Went so far as to
act out the fight

for the benefit of
the photographers.

Shocking, shocking,
shocking indeed.

The Cousins Coimbera
stated they would

cover the cost of rebuilding
the destroyed club

and pay the medical bills of
those injured in the fight.

The fight.

In that horrible place.

Do you know what that means?

Hmm, they must have been
tricked into that pub.

Pub.

Full of drunks, vagabonds.

Underworld language.

Stool pigeon, ratting.

I shall never be
able to show my face

at the yacht club again.

It's certainly annoying.

I described them as
magnificently spontaneous,

but they're not spontaneous,

they're downright dangerous.

We could hardly
have hoped to have

the Duke of Edinburgh
substitute for us.

Of course not.

But these two gentlemen
are, I think, going too far.

They're doing their best
to stay alive, cousin.

Unfortunately, they're
doing it their way.

We've no choice.

We either give up
the contract...

Never.

Or face those
hoodlums ourselves.

Well, they are already
ruining our reputation, cousin.

But, they've just hopefully
underestimated the risk.

(knocking on door)

[Man] Room service, sir.

Your camomile tea.

(both sigh)

Good morning.

Hey, you got a bad back?

No, sir.

Then straighten up.

Yes, sir.

Good morning, sirs.

How you doing?

Good morning to you.

Oh, sirs, my commiserations

for the terrible
accident last night.

Ah, nothing happened.

To us.

Breakfast will be
served immediately.

Good, I could eat
a horse, very good.

Hi-ya blue-eyes.

Hi.

Breakfast for Senor
Bastiano Joao Coimbra

de la Coronilla y Azevedo,

and breakfast for
Senor Antonio Coimbra

de la Coronilla y Azevedo.

Bring in the grub.

(lighthearted music)

Nice.

Whose idea is this, huh?

Not mine, Senor.

[Angel] What is
it, Mr. Antonio?

Is this a joke?

Why, it's your diet.

Decided for you
by your dietician.

I am my dietician.

I decide on my diet, right?

As you way, sir.

Give it to the canaries.

[Angel] Yes, sir.

(lighthearted music)

(clears throat)

(clears throat louder)

What are you, tongue-tied?

[Angel] May I tell
you the program, sir?

If it's something like
last night, forget it.

The program of the day, sir.

I still don't want any.

- Yes, yes.
- Go ahead, tell us.

Thank you.

At 11 o'clock you are
to visit the plantation.

The bananas are to be harvested.

I could do with a couple
of bananas at 11 o'clock.

Is that all?

At four o'clock,
sir, your appointment

with Dr. Von Eisenberg.

It's your shrink.

Oh, yeah.

And you sir, at five
you have an appointment

with Dona Olympia
Chavez at the lake,

the Lake of the Nimbus.

Dona Olympia.

The broad.

Oh, yeah.

I've got a couple of
things to say to her.

Shall I have the
carriage ready?

Why not?

You're terrific, Angel.

Getting a little
thick around the waist.

Uh, may I be dismissed?

Sure, you can split.

All of you.

Goodbye.

Thank you, sir.

You know, it ain't
tough being rich.

You can say that again.

Now they're two
completely different people

since they came back
from the United States.

Antonio learned how
to play the saxophone.

Incredible.

And Bastiano asked me
to buy him a windsurf.

A what?

One of those things
you fly across the waves

while holding onto the sail.

Says he doesn't want
to lose his touch.

Bastiano?

Bastiano.

Incredible.

Where did the agency guys
pick you up, under a bridge?

Ah, I was at Dirty Charlie's
Jazz Club in New Orleans.

What were you
doing in a jazz club?

They let me out of the
city jail once in a while

to play the saxophone.

Good behavior, you know.

And before that?

I was just bumming around,

so I came to Brazil
the first time.

Doing what?

Trying to find some
diamonds in some river.

You don't look
like you found any.

Look at me, I look
pretty good right now.

And what do you do?

Oh, all kinds of jobs.

But the thing I'm
best at is falling.

Yeah, falling on your face.

I'm a stuntman.

Oh.

When they need a guy to
fall off a galloping horse

or to drive a burning car off
a cliff, who do they call?

Who do they call?

Eliot Vance, the best.

Real high risk stuff, huh?

Not if you know
what you're doing.

And that's you, huh?

You bet.

You don't look like it.

Oh no?

Stop here.

(birds chattering)

Got it?

When I come galloping
towards you,

you take a shot at me,
bang, and see what happens.

Okay.

Okay?

Hah, hah!

- Boom!
- (gun fires)

Boom!

(hit man chuckles)

One down, one to go.

I'm fine, I'm fine.

Thank you, thank you.

(workers applauding)

That fall was worth 500 bucks.

You ever cracked your head?

Never, I told
you, I'm the best.

And speaking about heads,

you'd better watch
out for the shrink.

What's the shrink
got to do with this?

I know their game.

They make you spill
out your guts.

In the mean time, they
dig and dig and dig.

Yeah, dig where?

Into your mind,
your past, our past.

You know, doubles.

The two million bucks.

Well?

Well, since you're
soft in the head,

I wouldn't want you
to blow the show.

Look who's talking.

Get in.

Boss.

Yeah.

It's half finished.

I shot Bastiano.

Terrific.

I drew a bead, boss, and
he dropped like a ripe fig.

Glad you got wise, Tango.

Nothing to it, boss.

Tomorrow I'll take
out number two.

Take a look.

Anyone we know?

Huh?

I shot him, boom,
boom, bullseye.

He dropped to the ground
like a ripe fig, boss.

Turkey.

Senor Antonio Coimbra
de la Coronilla.

(speaking in foreign language)

Thank you, my dear.

My dear Antonio.

Good to see you.

I'm glad to see
your muscle tone

has improved considerably.

Well, I've been getting
a little exercise.

Have you rested well
these last few days?

Can't complain,
can't complain.

Do sit down, Antonio.

Thank you.

A challenge.

Have you had any more of
those terrible nightmares?

Well, not exactly, but...

But?

I dream that I'm sifting
sand in the Rio Prato.

You know, sifting, and sifting.

Typical.

A recurring symptom
of your subconscious.

That's what it is, huh?

Of course.

It's so typical.

Something to do
with your childhood,

playing on the beach
with bucket and spade.

And, uh, and sifting.

Exactly.

And sifting.

You see the way things
are coming together.

Yeah, right, coming
to the surface.

Let's go back to your
childhood, Antonio.

From primordial impulses to
these repressed feelings,

we'll dig.

I'll dig them out for you.

It's so comforting
after all this time.

I never found someone to
do the digging for me.

Wouldn't you know
it, she's late.

[Olympia] Oh,
my pure thoughts.

Oh joyful soul of mine.

My Cupid is here.

Is that you,
Olympia, woman of...

Love.

Oh.

Were your chaste
lips about to make

a declaration of love, my Cupid?

Uh, yeah, that's what my
chaste lips were about to do.

All my life.

You are here to bring joy to
my eyes, and my whole being.

(moans)

Shall I go on?

Oh, my platonic friend,

was it not said your chaste
lips would never brush...

Oh, well, it was
said, but the fact is,

Cupid lost his head.

(relaxed music)

Isn't this the day of passion?

Better late than never.

Then today is the day.

No, it's a great day.

Yeah, Joyce, Proust,
Whitman, all rolled into one.

They are just words,
beautiful words.

But life is also
blood, flesh, muscles.

Uh huh, I'll say.

(Olympia laughs)

Hey.

[Olympia] My love, my Cupid.

And then...

Yes, yes, yes, typical.

It's all coming together,
it's all falling into place.

This new element of the
saxophone fits in perfectly.

Fits in, huh?

Absolutely.

But there's something that
doesn't want to emerge.

What do we want
to do about it?

Hypnosis.

Watch the pen, Antonio.

Concentrate.

Follow the pen.

Concentrate.

More.

More, more, more.

You are very relaxed.

You want to sleep.

Close your eyes, Antonio.

You are asleep.

You're in a very deep sleep,
because you are relaxed.

Relaxed, tranquil, and relaxed.

(Greg groans)

Sleep, sleep.

You can hear my voice, Antonio.

I'm going to ask you questions,

and you're going to answer them,

because you want to answer.

You wish to tell me
everything, don't you.

Yeah.

You are about to sign
a contract, make a deal.

Isn't that true?

(Greg moans)

I want to know everything
about that contract.

I want to know everything you do

every day until you sign it.

You will tell me everything.

What the hell do you care?

[Albert] What did you say?

Repeat that, Antonio.

What the hell do you care?

You're going to
tell me everything.

Now, on the couch.

You start spilling the beans.

What do you care about what I
do, and about that contract?

Let's hear it!

It's part of the
normal therapy!

It's not your normal
therapy, it's my therapy.

Now...

There's been a terrible
misunderstanding!

That's not the only
thing that's terrible.

I'm going to bust
your nose, get it?

Unless you talk.

You're spying for somebody.

Tell me who.

I'll tell you, I'll tell you!

Leave me alone!

"Native moments, when
you came upon my soul,"

"ah, we are here now."

"Give me new
libidinous joy only."

"Give me the drench
of my passions,"

"give me life, coarse and rank."

Do you remember, my love?

Those are the lines
of your favorite poet.

Uh, you mean Yoko
Ono wrote that?

(laughs) Oh, you're being
so deliciously facetious.

Now you know very
well that those

are the words of
the divine Whitman.

Now tell me.

Was it he who gave you
your passion today?

Let's forget about the past.

From now on, you're looking
at the new Bastiano.

Oh, we'll have to
make up for lost time,

won't we, my love?

Are you kidding?

Stop right there.

I'm Lieutenant Columbo.

My badge.

Who do you think
you're kidding?

You're crooks.

Who are you working for?

You'll find out.

Get in the car.

Okay.

Not your car,
fathead, our car.

Get in!

Hey!

Uh!

Hey, hey, where...

Why you...

Got you!

Phony cop.

Hey, bastard!

Come on.

God damn it, he stole the keys.

Put it in neutral,
we'll roll it down hill.

Boys.

Hey, stop!

Come on.

Start it up.

I can't, he stole
this key, too.

("What's Going On In
Brazil" instrumental)

(tires squeal)

Pull the plug,
we've got to talk.

Okay, time for a swim,
everybody in the pool!

(crowd cheering)

Hey, cousin, you
missed the party.

Phony cops tried to do me in.

Do you in?

There's a spy here.

Let's go someplace
where we can talk.

(very loud cheering)

Then what happened?

I grabbed him, got him
stretch out on his couch,

and squeezed until the
words started running.

Then what?

Well, they convinced him
to do a little digging on me.

They were going to do something

on his brain with
a pneumatic drill.

So what'd you say?

I told him I use a pneumatic
drill to clean my fingers.

Oh, very subtle.

How about then?

I found out that he's
meeting his contact

at 12 o'clock noon tomorrow.

Where?

Where's the shrink now?

He snuck away.

Hey, look.

(crowd cheering)

(easy listening music)

Take it easy, pal.

Just tell us the address
of this information.

(festive music)

You know where the manager is?

Hey, have you seen the manager?

You know where the manager is?

Thanks.

Well?

We'll find the
manager is his office,

down that passageway, second
door after the shower.

Are you sure you
read the message right?

Absolutely, just
read between the lines.

What are you doing?

I was trying to
learn how to read.

Get yourself a good
book, now come on.

Hey mister.

Mister.

Hey.

Rise and shine, the
postman's knocking.

(beats "shave and
a haircut" on drum)

(Tango sings a wordless tune)

Look who's here.

(men chuckling)

Nice job, I'll call you later.

Please, gentlemen, sit down.

Uh, no thanks, we just
stopped by to give you this.

Be seeing ya.

All right, why don't we
put our cards on the table.

But you don't
have a hand to play.

And even if you had
a deck full of aces,

the odds are still against you.

He's got a point.

A blunt one.

Let me talk to
the boss, will ya?

[Boss] Yeah, what is it?

The mail's arrived,
and guess what?

A couple of morons
brought it over.

[Boss] If this is
some kind of balls-up,

Tango, I'll have you...

No, it's no balls-up, boss.

The Coimbras are sitting
right here in front of me.

Just as sure as my name's Tango.

[Boss] Just bring
them to the estate.

Bring them out for the weekend.

Right, boss.

Gentlemen, the boss
has invited you

to his place for the weekend.

Oh, uh, are you free?

When, the weekend?

Yeah.

We accept.

If they come along, too.

Oh, that goes without saying.

Hey, don't take it so bad.

After all, the worst is
right around the corner.

Hey, close the window.

It's stuffy in
here, I can't breath.

Ah, let the guy
take a breather.

It's going to be
one of his last.

(men laugh)

Son of a bitch, let's go.

(police siren wailing)

They're not after
us, keep going.

(car horn honks)

Pull in there,
Sidney, let them pass.

Good morning, officers.

Shut up!

Hey, you...

But officer...

I told you to shut up.

You're in a lot
of trouble, buddy.

Maybe you got
me wrong, officer.

I didn't get you wrong.

Come on out.

Jerk.

I'm Bastiano Coimbra
de la Coronilla.

Y Azevedo.

Oh, my cousin Antonio.

Tony, come and say hello
to the nice police officer.

Hello, nice police officer.

Move, mutton head.

The Coimbra Cousins.

But of course, the
Coimbra Cousins.

Bit of misunderstanding.

I'm really sorry
about this officer.

I'm sure it was my fault.

Oh, no no no, I'm
the one who's sorry.

But you understand...

Of course.

I blame the times we live in.

Yeah.

And what a coincidence.

We were on our way to
the Police Academy.

Really?

Yeah.

We wanted to give 5,000 tickets
for Sunday's (indistinct).

5,000 tickets.

5,000?

You know, all work and no
play makes Jack a dull boy.

Oh, those boys deserve it.

They work hard, you know.

Yes, I know what you mean.

If you want, I can
escort you to the school.

Thanks, we'd like that.

Yes.

Uh, would it be asking too
much if we came in your car?

Oh but, uh, sure,
sure, why not?

It's the dream of my life,

to travel in a
police car innocent.

(all laugh)

We're escorting these two
gentlemen to the Police Academy.

You ride with them.

This way gentlemen, please.

Thank you.

Follow us, James.

Yes?

Next time you hear
a siren, mister,

pull over to the
side and stop, okay?

Of course, officer.

(yelling cadence)

Congratulations,
Colonel, very efficient.

Really.

Thank you again, gentlemen,
in the name of all our cadets.

We appreciate
what you're doing.

Uh, I'd like to ask
a favor, Colonel.

Sure, name it.

If our bodyguards
could take a look

at your training measures,
it would help them a lot.

Yes.

Certainly, it
would be a pleasure.

I'm counting on
you guys to pick up

some new tricks
while you're here.

Yeah, especially Samba.

You know what happened?

His car was stolen,
right under his nose.

A limo, just like this one.

(laughs) Show these
gentlemen around.

Yes, sir.

This way, gentlemen, please.

Well now, over there we have
the gym and the (indistinct).

And over there we have
the shooting range.

Our cadets graduate
from the academy...

Well, Colonel,
it's been a pleasure.

I can never thank
you enough, gentlemen.

Oh no, it's us that thank you.

Goodbye, sir.

Come on, men, shake your asses.

Let's move it.

3-9-4-4-1-3.

Is that your lottery ticket?

No, it's our
man's phone number.

Oh.

Tango dialed it
right under my nose.

(lighthearted music)

Huh, I'm going to get
my Gucci wetsuit wet

swimming out there.

Trust the bastard to
live on an island.

You can't hear someone
yelling for help from an island.

Senors, will you
be out a long time?

We'll be back in an hour.

Hello there, octopus.

Who are you
calling an octopus?

Who else?

Your hands are so quick,
they're like tentacles.

Sure, sure.

Go fix some drinks, jellyfish.

One false move and
you'll be fish bait.

What's going on?

What do you want?

Who are you?

Just the name of your client.

What client?

I don't know what you're,
what you're talking about.

The prick who
wanted you to kill

the Coimbra Cousins, fish bait.

Give us his name, or
you get buried at sea.

I don't know who the guy is.

I've never even seen
his face, I swear.

I only met him once.

He was wearing a long black
coat with the collar pulled up,

a hat pulled down
over his eyes, and...

Look buddy, somebody
like that, try again.

He paid me a fee.

How much?

$20,000.

Ah, not enough.

How do you contact him?

I don't.

He's always the
one who called me.

Has this fancy
voice, a real weirdo.

Not the kind of guy
you bring home to mother.

I swear I'm telling
the truth, I swear it!

Hey, if this
guy's on the level,

there goes the 500 bonus.

I don't think so.

You're coming with us, pal.

What are you
going to do with me?

Start paddling.

Harder, harder!

Unique.

Really unique.

Oh, listen to
this stanza, cousin.

Oh, with pleasure.

Winds that blow south
or winds that blow north,

day come white or
night come black,

home, o'er rivers and
mountains from home,

singing of time,
minding no time,

while we two keep together.

Touching.

(knocking on door)

Come in.

[Bellboy] Bellboy.

Yes, come in.

The newspaper from Rio, sir.

Thank you.

What's the news?

Let's see.

Oh, no, no!

Coimbra Cousins hobnob
with underworld.

[Antonio] Outrageous.

The cousins, Antonio
and Bastiano Coimbra

ripped it up until the
early hours in the morning

in the company of the most
notorious gang boss in Rio!

The two magnates
product to photographers

attracted to the spot by
an anonymous phone call.

Oh.

The club, Wine,
Women, and Song,

had just reopened its doors

after the first Coimbra
scandal had closed it.

Another scandal.

The family name is
completely dishonored,

immortalized in the
company of gangsters.

Us, the Coimbras
de la Coronilla.

Y Azevedo.

Right, y Azevedo.

We wanted two lambs
to feed to the tigers.

Instead, we sent two tigers.

Incredible, really incredible.

It's more than that, cousin.

No firm will ever do
business with us again.

How could we have made
such a mistake, cousin?

I'm afraid we must
return to Rio at once.

Rio?

Now?

We've no choice.

As soon as we get
there, we'll pay those

two savages, present them
at a press conference,

and explain everything.

Everything?

Yes, everything.

The threats, the
attempts on our lives,

the idea of using
doubles and...

We'll be in the heat of
the hurricane, but then,

they'll go back to being them

and we'll go back to being us.

The Cousins Coimbra
de la Coronilla.

Y Azevedo.

Yes.

(adventurous music)

Stop right there, Commander.

Commander Van der Bosh,
and his Dogs of War.

We'll fight anyone for money.

The bag, huh?

And the rest?

When you've
completed the mission.

Let's just say
tomorrow's too late.

Anything else?

Yes, I want them alive.

They have a lot of
things to tell me.

With your permission.

Climb aboard.

Can't make saw them leave.

I didn't hear
anything this morning.

But you?

They were so drunk when
we drove them home,

I was sure that they'd
stay in back all day.

Then all of a sudden we get
a call to get to the airport.

There they are.

Good morning, Senors.

Good morning, Senors.

Recovered from your
hangovers, Senors?

What is that?

Your car, Senors.

With all the
modifications you ordered.

Lowered suspension, the
twin turbo-chargers,

extra strong overhead valve.

12,000 rev, from zero
to 100 in eight seconds.

It's a real bomb, Senor.

I want it painted immediately.

Its original color.

Are you resigning?

No, Senor.

Then take your place.

All right, Senor.

The door.

Yes, sir.

Home, Senors?

No, the farm at San Jose.

Then take the car
back to the mansion.

Yes, Senors.

(engine roars)

Just black coffee
for me, lots of it.

Black for me, too.

I'll take a couple of
sausages on the side.

Good morning, sirs.

Anything new?

Only one call,
for Mr. Bastiano.

Dona Olympia Chavez.

She informs you that
the theme of the next

literary meeting will
be love or death,

the dilemma of the day.

Or I'll have it
toasted, and rang twice.

Excuse me, sir.

Not so loud.

There's a gentleman on the
phone who insists on being you.

Hello?

Hmm.

How are you, Tony?

Really?

You say you can't
wait to get home?

Yeah.

Yeah, right in front of me.

Hi from Eliot Vance.

Terrific guy.

How are things
in the Big Apple?

What do you mean, we're
getting bad press?

We'll buy out the papers.

What was that, you
want to buy us out?

Why not, it's your funeral.

I got it, I got it, okay.

Be seeing you.

Bye bye.

Well?

Taking a ride.

Where?

The farm in San Jose.

The San Jose farm, sir?

But it's out of season.

And the house hasn't
been made ready.

Would you shut
up please, buddy?

Yes, sir.

Thank you.

Oh, the car's here.

Yeah, let's go.

I don't believe it.

Who told you to
repaint the car?

You, Senor.

At, at the airport.

Are you crazy?

We just woke up now.

Drive us to San Jose.

You, to San Jose, Senor?

Yes.

But, I, uh, we...

Didn't we just take you there?

Have you been drinking?

No, I?

No, Senor.

Get in the back, he'll drive.

(phone rings)

Villa Coimbra.

No, I'm sorry,
they've just left.

To the farm in San Jose.

You're welcome.

[Eliot] Oh, yeah?

We should have let
ourselves get killed,

just to keep you looking
good at the club?

We didn't mean
that, Mr. Vance.

But was in necessary for
you to be photographed

with a notorious gangster
and a bevy of bar girls?

Ah, come on, it's all part
and parcel of what you want.

The problem is you guys.

Mr. Vance and I have done a
job that's absolutely great.

You know why?

First, the boss is in the shit.

Second, the right-hand
man, what's his name?

Tango.

Yeah, yeah, Tango,
he's in the shit, too.

Oh is he ever.

He's covered with shit.

You got that?

The smell is quite disgusting,

but I've got it, Mr. Wonder.

Good.

There's no point
in continuing.

Obviously, we disagree
on everything.

If the show is over,
give us our money,

and lower the curtain.

(phone rings)

Yeah.

Speak louder.

It's for you, Bastiano.

Me?

Yeah, for you.

Bastiano Coimbra speaking.

Who are you?

What do you want?

I beg your pardon?

Oh.

Hello, hello?

He hung up.

Who was it?

The man who wants us dead.

Extinguish your dynasty,
that's what he said.

He sounded very serious.

Oh my God.

Hey, listen, who
knows we're here?

The chauffeurs, the
chauffeurs, of course.

No, they wouldn't
rat on anyone.

Your secretary, that Angel,

he tried to starve me to death.

He's too dumb.

He wouldn't know where to begin.

The butler.

The butler's always guilty.

Oh, come on, Bernardo?

He watched us grow up.

[Greg] Now maybe he
wants to watch you die.

I've got it.

I'll make a call in.

Hi Angel.

Bastiano Coimbra speaking.

Did anyone call me since I left?

Oh.

Thank you, thank you very much.

Did it work?

Later.

Let's see your John Hancock.

John Hancock?

Sign the checks.

Can we raise the, you
know, curtain again.

Give us our money first.

(helicopter approaching)

[Eliot] A chopper?

Yeah, a big chopper.

Are those soldiers?

Well, it's not the cavalry.

Who are they?

Mercenaries.

I know those bastards.

Oh, Mr. Wonder,
since you know them,

could you please
tell them to go?

Forget it.

They're coming to cut
us into little pieces.

What will we do?

Start praying.

Close the windows.

(dramatic music)

Hey, Coimbras.

We've got you trapped like rats.

Who are you?

Commander Van der Bosh,
and his Dogs of War.

What do you want?

We want the two Coimbras.

So get them on out
here, or you're going to

get buried under the
ruins of that house.

[Eliot] Give us
time to think it over.

You got two minutes,
that's all, then we move in.

I'm starting the count now.

Listen, if we all
go out together,

they'll blast all four of us.

If I go out with him,
they'll blast us,

and you'll save
two million bucks.

And we're not that dumb.

Now if you two go
out, they'll kill you,

and you'll take the
two million with you.

But, if you and
little cousin go out,

they'll kill the two
of you, which means

big cousin and me
will be safe and rich.

Oh, I don't like that.

But if big cousin and me
go out, they'll kill us.

Then the two of you
will have a ball.

That's better.

No, that's worse.

Wait, this is it.

Little cousin and big cousin
first sign our checks,

and then they go out.

On the button, good thinking.

But that way we lose
our money, and our lives.

What's the big deal?

You can't take it
with you anyway.

[Commander] All right,
Coimbras, your time's up.

(guns firing)

Hey, those are blanks.

Yeah, they want
to take us alive.

Go away, they'll shoot you.

Hold your fire, hold it!

Shoot, Captain Brioche.

I'm the Coimbra de la Coronilla!

Y Azevedo.

Y Azevedo.

Oh, y Azevedo as well!

Shoot, you clowns.

I'm not scared of you, or
your boy scouts (laughs).

Aw, shut up.

What, what about us?

What do we do?

You got pants like these?

You mean, linen trousers?

Yes, I believe so.

Okay, then put them on fast.

And take the rings,
jackets, and ties off.

Why?

[Greg] To save your
asses, that's why.

I understand.

You don't want them to know
there are four of us in here.

You got it.

Now let's go, come on.

I always said my double
was smarter than yours.

This is your last
opportunity, Coimbras.

You come out, or I'll
unleash my War Dogs.

Is this all right?

Yeah, you look all right.

Your hair.

What?

Oh yes, of course.

You two guys ever
done any fist fighting?

Mr. Wonder, I went to
school in Switzerland.

I never fought in my life.

Indeed, the only time
I ever raised my voice

was when I was five years old,

it was over some strawberries.

Apocalypse, scout ahead.

(men yelling)

(men fighting)

Drop your weapons.

I want them alive.

Move it!

(men yelling)

Cobra, Mamba, Rattler,
cover that door.

You two, check up those stairs.

You and you, over there.

The rest of you, fan out.

(thumping on door)

(lighthearted music)

Hey, my shoe!

Here's your shoe.

Thanks.

No, I'm Antonio Coimbra
de la Coronilla y Avezedo.

Hey, you looking for
a job in the circus?

(man yelling)

[Antonio] Help!

That'll teach ya to fight...

In there.

Save me.

Hey, get him.

Very good.

Hey.

(inaudible)

Looking for someone?

Your turn.

One, two, three.

(man yells)

Shut up.

You, too.

It's mine.

It's mine.

Okay, you can have it.

(wood chipper running)

This is the mark.

See, it's the one right here.

(men laugh)

Move out of sight.

Surprise, surprise.

What's this?

Put your foot in your mouth.

Right hook.

Now the left.

All right.

(Bastiano gasps)

(mercenary laughs)

Come here, Bastiano.

Slug him.

Come on.

Don't be afraid.

Ah, make a dent.

See, come here.

(commander laughs)

Very good.

Close the door.

Oh, sorry.

Such violence.

This way.

No, this way.

Double whammy.

All right, captain,
got a job for you.

[Bosh On Radio] Hello,
hello, this is Bosh

calling control, this
is Bosh calling control.

I read you, commander.

I got them both, they're
right here with me.

Alive, I hope.

Yes, very much alive.

You'll find them in the house,

both tied up nice and tight.

[Boss] You can
leave, commander.

You've completed your mission.

This is Bosh, out.

(birds cawing)

Hello, Angel?

Send a car to pick
us up at San Jose.

Yeah.

Right, thank you.

Hey.

(car approaching)

Okay, he's coming.

What should we do?

Get out of sight.

Hi.

That's me.

Awful.

I like you better
without the mustache.

I have nothing against
you, believe me, my love.

It's that monster there.

Yes, that monster.

That starving,
voracious piranha.

It was you!

You ruined my father, you
completely destroyed him.

You forced him to run away!

I hate you, you vampire...

Calm down, just calm down.

Think of, think of Whitman.

Oh yes, Whitman.

No, it's your cousin,
he's a horrible monster.

He's a filthy bloodsucker
without soul, without...

(clears throat) That's enough.

You've gone too far.

Whoops.

Does she faint often?

Oh, we're sensitive.

Come on, give me a hand,
you filthy bloodsucker.

(Greg grumbles)

You know what, she's right.

You're rotten.

Oh, uh, sorry.

You know what, she's right.

You're rotten, cousin.

No, it's not true.

I was robbed.

Two years ago in a financial
operation with other partners.

The whole thing was conceived
by this hysteric's father,

and one beautiful day he emptied
his safe and disappeared.

With a dancer.

He's living in Paris,
and in high style.

Heh, the old man is no fool.

He convinced his
daughter all was my fault,

and look at the consequences.

Well, if that's the case,
all you have to do is tell her.

Bastiano can take care of it.

I'm sure she'll listen to him.

Just, uh, just try to be, uh,

a little warmer with her.

You think he has a point?

Well, a blunt one.

Okay, now, checks.

Beg your pardon?

Sign the checks.

Oh.

(car approaching)

Oh, no no, it's just
our car picking us up.

Go ahead.

Right.

What is it, 1,000?

Million.

And a half.

Each.

(laughs) Let's go
blow this money before

we find ourselves
stinking rich like them.

Right on time, Mighty Mouse.

Thanks, Venicio.

You know, Tony, we should
take up boxing as a sport.

Yes, and I should stop
my diet immediately.

[Nadino] Home, Senor?

[Eliot] No, take
us to the airport,

then come back here, pick
us up, and drive us home.

("What's Going On in Brazil")

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