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Last day of my life.
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Diary, 24th of September, 1916.
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Near Combres.
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I had spent the night
in an old ruined cellar
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with its walls dripping green moisture.
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And so now it was good
to feel the warmth of the sun
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striking through the folds
of my damp tunic.
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00:00:53,971 --> 00:00:56,265
And the morning was perfect.
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There was nothing to be heard,
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00:00:57,641 --> 00:01:00,811
save the occasional murmur
of soldiers' voices
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00:01:00,936 --> 00:01:03,606
and the crunch of boots
on the loose soil.
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00:01:03,731 --> 00:01:08,486
And in the gentle lulling warmth,
the war seemed very remote,
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00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:10,613
for here was peace.
14
00:01:11,614 --> 00:01:16,035
One time, I remember I slowly became
aware of the sound of men digging
15
00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:19,163
on the other side of the bank
near where I stood.
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00:01:19,288 --> 00:01:21,999
I don't know what
they were digging for exactly,
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00:01:22,041 --> 00:01:24,502
but I do remember that they
sounded very cheerful about it.
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00:01:25,878 --> 00:01:30,925
Especially when somebody
nearby started a phonograph going.
19
00:01:52,863 --> 00:01:57,118
It was very comforting
to hear those cheerful noises
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00:01:57,201 --> 00:02:00,704
because, well, it was such a warm
and peaceful morning,
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00:02:00,746 --> 00:02:04,458
and it all helped me
to forget about the war.
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00:02:04,542 --> 00:02:07,503
And perhaps,
not only me for all around me
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00:02:07,545 --> 00:02:11,632
in this desolate back area
there were soldiers relaxing.
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00:02:11,715 --> 00:02:16,887
Soldiers quiet and easy in the sun,
a whole army at rest,
25
00:02:17,555 --> 00:02:20,141
like an unwound clock spring,
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00:02:20,266 --> 00:02:26,397
men released from a hell in a merciful
peace that is suddenly shattered.
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00:02:48,002 --> 00:02:52,131
Shattered by the soft,
but deadly voices of guns,
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00:02:52,214 --> 00:02:57,428
an insistent clamouring from a heavy
barrage at the front two miles away.
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00:02:57,595 --> 00:02:59,513
Start to feel the certain pangs of fear
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00:02:59,597 --> 00:03:03,100
and the gentle breath
of the morning turns sour.
31
00:03:03,726 --> 00:03:07,605
But does any of this affect
the other members of my section?
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00:03:07,730 --> 00:03:09,398
Seems not.
33
00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:13,611
Pretzlav at the end is now concluding
some coarse joke.
34
00:03:13,736 --> 00:03:17,656
Other men appear to be quite
unconcerned and relaxed.
35
00:03:18,657 --> 00:03:23,913
I can't tell whether those men
at the end are as scared as I am.
36
00:03:25,122 --> 00:03:26,624
I don't know.
37
00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:28,626
They may be able to cover up well,
38
00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:31,629
for a couple of French soldiers
from the front are passing them
39
00:03:31,670 --> 00:03:36,383
and the only reaction seems to be that
Pretzlav has some rude remark for them.
40
00:03:36,467 --> 00:03:40,679
But to me, the sight of those
dusty soldiers clumping away
41
00:03:40,804 --> 00:03:44,642
brings the physical feel
of war close the first time.
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00:03:44,725 --> 00:03:47,061
And then suddenly I hear
the rattle of rifle bolts
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00:03:47,144 --> 00:03:50,981
and the clink of steel helmets
and then the crunch of marching feet,
44
00:03:51,065 --> 00:03:53,984
as men all around me
march off to the front…
45
00:03:54,068 --> 00:03:56,487
Crunch! Crunch! Crunch!
46
00:03:56,654 --> 00:04:01,825
Each seismic crunch of the boot
draws the war closer and closer.
47
00:04:02,660 --> 00:04:06,956
Oh God, soon it will be my turn
and my feet, too.
48
00:04:07,039 --> 00:04:11,168
Crunch! Crunch!
Dragging me forward towards those guns.
49
00:04:11,252 --> 00:04:14,129
Those bloody blasted guns!
50
00:04:16,548 --> 00:04:20,010
I suppose I must be making
a melodrama out of all this.
51
00:04:20,094 --> 00:04:22,346
There's something so unnatural,
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00:04:22,429 --> 00:04:25,516
so horrible about the sight
of those soldiers,
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00:04:25,557 --> 00:04:30,020
plodding like soulless automatons
through a desolate land.
54
00:04:30,145 --> 00:04:32,564
It's all rather unnerved me.
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00:04:33,190 --> 00:04:36,735
Anyway, I must try to pull myself
together like those other men over there
56
00:04:36,860 --> 00:04:39,488
who seem to be quietly
relaxing in the sun.
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00:04:40,906 --> 00:04:44,702
Yes, Pretzlav there, who seems to spend
almost every waking minute
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relishing one of the highly immoral
and vulgar leaves he spent
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00:04:49,206 --> 00:04:52,209
and of course solid,
dour Bill Richards,
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00:04:52,293 --> 00:04:55,796
who seems to spend
most of his time listening to Pretzlav.
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00:05:01,510 --> 00:05:04,346
Then of course,
there's dear old Tom Mason
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00:05:04,471 --> 00:05:07,725
who has been in the war
since early 1915.
63
00:05:07,808 --> 00:05:11,145
He can be a little
old-fashioned at times.
64
00:05:11,270 --> 00:05:14,898
Particularly where a young
Ginger Morris is concerned,
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00:05:14,940 --> 00:05:19,320
who has without doubt the most
active bowel system in the British Army.
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00:05:19,403 --> 00:05:23,574
He's always emerging
from behind some bush or other.
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00:05:23,615 --> 00:05:27,828
And as he usually
has some cheeky answer ready.
68
00:05:27,911 --> 00:05:30,998
Poor old Tom ends up by being furious.
69
00:05:34,585 --> 00:05:39,048
But Ted Crompton,
I've never really liked.
70
00:05:40,257 --> 00:05:43,969
Probably because I feel
he rather enjoys his war.
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00:05:46,138 --> 00:05:48,140
As for young Lieutenant Ferris,
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00:05:48,265 --> 00:05:52,269
I always think how awful
it must be for him, for an offensive…
73
00:05:52,394 --> 00:05:55,939
He's always got to appear calm
and in complete control of his nerves,
74
00:05:56,023 --> 00:05:58,692
no matter what he really feels.
75
00:05:59,193 --> 00:06:02,446
It's probably a lot easier
for the experienced Sergeant Harman.
76
00:06:02,571 --> 00:06:06,241
He's been in the front
a good many times before.
77
00:06:07,618 --> 00:06:11,789
Oh God, those guns again,
they seem to be nearer now.
78
00:06:11,830 --> 00:06:14,249
Louder and more insistent.
79
00:06:14,958 --> 00:06:19,630
They seem to destroy every vestige
of the peace and beauty of this morning.
80
00:06:19,671 --> 00:06:23,217
Air is foul, the trees seem
to become twisted and warped.
81
00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:28,472
Branches jab at me, sharp, pointed
and hard like steel, like a battle.
82
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Oh God, a battle. I'm scared.
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I'm so bloody scared.
84
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I know what's going to happen.
85
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I can see it all in my mind.
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I can see it.
87
00:06:41,402 --> 00:06:43,946
I can see the details
of a battle in my mind.
88
00:06:44,071 --> 00:06:48,534
I can… I can hear the noise.
I can see the blurred confusion.
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Men running, men left to die.
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00:06:51,495 --> 00:06:54,623
I… Oh God! It's too awful.
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00:06:54,706 --> 00:06:57,543
Too bloody… Oh, I'm so scared.
92
00:06:57,668 --> 00:07:02,131
Well, this…
This is what I'm going to go through.
93
00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:56,995
Watch them cheering.
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00:08:57,454 --> 00:09:01,833
They've gained an area
of about 200 square yards of mud,
95
00:09:01,917 --> 00:09:04,294
just heaving, stinking mud.
96
00:09:05,379 --> 00:09:08,674
And in a short while, the game old
Bosch will win it back again.
97
00:09:08,799 --> 00:09:13,387
In the meanwhile, let them cheer,
it's a wonderful achievement.
98
00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:25,774
And that…
That is how I shall probably die.
99
00:09:26,108 --> 00:09:30,153
Left like some torn,
screwed up rag on the battlefield.
100
00:09:31,321 --> 00:09:34,658
When you know
this is going to happen to you,
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your body suddenly becomes
something terribly precious to you.
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Your flesh, soft and warm, is yours.
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Your personal belonging,
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not to be treated like some
discarded piece of offal.
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00:09:47,838 --> 00:09:50,173
You find yourself thinking about this,
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realising what a wonderful
thing your body is
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00:09:53,927 --> 00:09:58,181
and what an awful and wrong thing
it is to maltreat it.
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But all that is to come.
109
00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:06,356
At the moment it's just
the watching and the waiting.
110
00:10:06,481 --> 00:10:10,360
Watching the lieutenant
and waiting for someone,
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00:10:10,527 --> 00:10:14,364
probably a brigade runner
to bring him our movement orders.
112
00:10:14,489 --> 00:10:18,410
Orders that will take us
to the front, to those guns.
113
00:10:19,077 --> 00:10:21,788
Oh, come on!
Why the hell doesn't something happen?
114
00:10:23,165 --> 00:10:26,293
Time is just grinding by
and nothing is happening.
115
00:10:26,376 --> 00:10:29,588
Or perhaps…
Perhaps the runner won't appear.
116
00:10:29,713 --> 00:10:32,633
Perhaps… Hmm.
117
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Oh God!
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I should have known.
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Should have known
that there'd be no escape.
120
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The others must know it, too.
121
00:10:49,733 --> 00:10:52,778
I wonder what they're thinking about.
122
00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:57,866
What's going on behind that
cold front of Crompton's.
123
00:10:58,950 --> 00:11:03,413
Crompton, who has vowed to run at least
three Germans through with his bayonet
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00:11:03,580 --> 00:11:05,916
before the battle is over.
125
00:11:06,249 --> 00:11:10,420
Is he really as hard and as cold
as he would have us believe?
126
00:11:10,545 --> 00:11:15,384
Or is all this toughness merely
a front to cover his real feelings?
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Only he knows.
128
00:11:18,095 --> 00:11:20,013
Now, don't envy poor old Tom,
129
00:11:20,097 --> 00:11:22,182
he's been to the front
so many times before,
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he really knows what he's in for.
131
00:11:24,309 --> 00:11:26,520
Must be awful for him.
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Must be awful for all of them.
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00:11:36,279 --> 00:11:38,949
Just managing to control
their feelings on the outside,
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00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:44,705
they wait and watch in silence,
impassive, expressionless.
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But what's on the inside?
136
00:11:47,833 --> 00:11:49,292
Fear?
137
00:11:52,295 --> 00:11:54,005
Resentment?
138
00:11:56,425 --> 00:11:58,135
Bewilderment?
139
00:11:58,635 --> 00:12:00,637
Or just loneliness?
140
00:12:06,143 --> 00:12:07,686
If that officer had only the power
141
00:12:07,769 --> 00:12:10,689
to write down
what each of his men really felt.
142
00:12:10,772 --> 00:12:14,067
And could then make the people
who start these wars read about it.
143
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Then, maybe they'd… Maybe…
144
00:12:17,362 --> 00:12:18,739
Oh, well.
145
00:12:18,822 --> 00:12:23,160
Anyway I see now that
we're about to start our little war.
146
00:12:23,243 --> 00:12:25,746
So, let's pull up our equipment,
pull it on
147
00:12:25,871 --> 00:12:28,707
and get ready to play
at being tin soldiers
148
00:12:28,832 --> 00:12:32,169
and go and fight
for a few yards of earth.
149
00:12:43,388 --> 00:12:46,308
So, now I'm ready
with my rifle and bayonet
150
00:12:46,349 --> 00:12:48,018
and steel helmet and ammunition.
151
00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:49,853
I suppose I must be everything
152
00:12:49,936 --> 00:12:53,106
that those recruiting posters
say I should be.
153
00:12:53,190 --> 00:12:56,151
They don't tell you
you can get so scared, so numb
154
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that even the rough canvas webbing,
you can't feel it.
155
00:13:00,739 --> 00:13:02,532
You just don't know it's there.
156
00:13:02,616 --> 00:13:05,994
The whole body
is a vacuum without feeling.
157
00:13:06,036 --> 00:13:09,039
Except for the hands,
their cold, clammy palm.
158
00:13:09,790 --> 00:13:12,459
To be a proper soldier
you've got to wipe your hand
159
00:13:12,542 --> 00:13:16,630
by making little furtive moves
so that nobody can see.
160
00:13:17,422 --> 00:13:20,759
There's…
There's an ache in your throat.
161
00:13:20,884 --> 00:13:22,803
And your head hurts and your…
162
00:13:22,886 --> 00:13:25,889
And your mind flicks
from thing to thing.
163
00:13:26,014 --> 00:13:28,016
You can't think properly.
164
00:13:28,058 --> 00:13:31,728
Your hands remotely do odd little things
without you knowing.
165
00:13:33,396 --> 00:13:35,065
Oh God, my head hurts.
166
00:13:35,190 --> 00:13:39,402
Why can't someone explain to me
just why I've got to die?
167
00:13:39,778 --> 00:13:42,614
Soon… Soon there'll be nothing.
168
00:13:43,114 --> 00:13:45,450
Just a void. Nothing.
169
00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:02,342
And Tom…
170
00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:05,262
Tom, please help me.
171
00:14:05,303 --> 00:14:07,931
Give me some of your strength,
172
00:14:07,973 --> 00:14:12,352
so that I won't be scared,
as you're not scared.
173
00:14:12,936 --> 00:14:15,605
Tom, please help me.
174
00:14:23,446 --> 00:14:28,368
And he didn't say a thing.
Didn't try to help me.
175
00:14:28,451 --> 00:14:32,956
I just don't know why,
or was he scared too?
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I shall never know. I shall never know.
177
00:14:42,716 --> 00:14:46,011
So then it was time for us to leave.
178
00:14:46,136 --> 00:14:50,307
Well, I suppose in years to come
people will say about us…
179
00:14:50,432 --> 00:14:53,018
"They went with songs to the battle.
180
00:14:53,143 --> 00:15:00,150
"They were young, straight of limb,
true of eye, steady and aglow."
181
00:15:02,152 --> 00:15:04,863
God, if only they knew.
182
00:15:13,580 --> 00:15:15,707
As we marched along
the top of the ridge,
183
00:15:15,832 --> 00:15:18,209
I saw below us a German prisoner.
184
00:15:18,293 --> 00:15:21,254
He was the first German soldier
I'd ever seen.
185
00:15:21,338 --> 00:15:26,509
As I looked at him, I saw the complete
ridiculousness of the whole thing.
186
00:15:26,635 --> 00:15:29,262
He was eating a bowl of soup
or something
187
00:15:29,387 --> 00:15:32,349
and he looked so ordinary, so harmless.
188
00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:36,686
He might have been
Pretzlav or Morris sitting there,
189
00:15:37,604 --> 00:15:40,482
just wearing a different uniform.
190
00:15:40,523 --> 00:15:42,233
This man was meant to be our enemy,
191
00:15:42,317 --> 00:15:46,321
one of the soldiers of the hated
imperial German empire.
192
00:15:46,404 --> 00:15:49,741
One of the men
we've been trained to kill.
193
00:15:53,161 --> 00:15:55,538
And he looked so harmless.
194
00:16:01,169 --> 00:16:04,005
But the most terrible thing about war
195
00:16:04,089 --> 00:16:08,343
is not just the fact that we have
to kill men so much like ourselves,
196
00:16:08,385 --> 00:16:13,306
but that we have to hate them
and keep on hating them.
197
00:16:19,729 --> 00:16:25,402
And now, meanwhile,
all that is left to us, to our section
198
00:16:25,527 --> 00:16:30,699
is to go forward and fight
and kill men like him, like ourselves.
199
00:16:32,617 --> 00:16:37,247
Seems so bloody pointless,
we go forward to those guns
200
00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:40,250
and God only knows what'll happen to us.
201
00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:42,168
God only knows.
202
00:16:45,922 --> 00:16:51,886
We're told what a tremendous thing
it is to die for one's country.
203
00:16:53,596 --> 00:16:56,224
Well, tell it to those two.
16150
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