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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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♪♪♪
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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[cheers and applause]
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♪♪♪
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[cheers and applause continue]
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Crazy will always beat scary.
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Do you know what I mean by that?
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It's not a great thesis.
It's not profound,
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but legitimately,
that is the closest I have come
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to forgiveness in my life.
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So for most of my life,
my mom was a single parent.
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Five kids. No child support.
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We were on food stamps.
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When those ran out,
we would dumpster dive for food.
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A lot of people find it hard
to believe
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that I was ever that poor,
'cause look at this shit.
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[laughter]
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Like, not only do I look like,
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"Meh, everything just, like,
worked out."
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I look like the kind of, like,
white, wealthy--
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I look like I was conceived in
an Ivy League a capella concert.
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[laughter]
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[cheers and applause]
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You know what I mean?
Where it is, like, that...
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♪ Shimmy-doo-wop,
my dad owns every university ♪
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♪ Shimmy-doo-wop,
what is adversity? ♪
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It's not just rich either,
right?
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It is, like, evil rich, right?
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It's like a "Game of Thrones"
King Joffrey type of rich.
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It looks like I found a way
to monetize human suffering.
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I run
a for-profit private prison,
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or even worse,
I have a YouTube prank channel,
34
00:02:02,355 --> 00:02:05,024
where it's like, uh,
they all look like me.
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It's a guy committing, like,
a crime on camera.
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He's like,
"What is the prank, bro?
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What's up? I'm Tyler, and today,
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00:02:11,698 --> 00:02:14,534
we're about to steal
this old woman's insulin."
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[laughter]
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I grew up very poor
in a big family.
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One summer, my two sisters,
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they go
to this cheerleading day camp
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that's discounted
for low-income people,
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because the woman that runs it
is very religious.
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About five minutes up the road
is a boys basketball camp
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that I really wanted to go to.
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But because my mom wanted to
save that little bit of money,
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little bit of drive time,
she goes,
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"Oh. Why don't you just attend
the cheerleading camp
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with your sisters?
Basically the same thing."
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[laughter]
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Huh? No, those are
two wildly different things.
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That's like if you were
in a restaurant,
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and you tried to order a Coke,
and the server was like,
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"Actually, we don't have Coke,
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but is it okay
if I just frame you for arson?
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In my head,
it's the same thing."
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8 years old,
no control over my life,
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I go to this cheer camp.
I was like,
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you know what I'll do?
I'll just lay low all summer.
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I won't participate
in any of the cheers.
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I'll be in the back.
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Right? We've seen
male cheerleaders before.
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They're like the spotter.
I'll do that.
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Turns out, it's pretty hard
to lay low at a cheer camp
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when you are not only
the only boy out of 37 girls,
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but you are also the smallest
of all the girls.
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[laughter]
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Why is that important?
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Smallest girl
in every cheer squad
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is what's known as the...
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AUDIENCE: Flyer!
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The flyer. So the flyer
is the delicate little angel
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that's always getting tossed up
in the air...
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[cheers and applause]
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...because her delicate,
like, bird bones
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are too dangerous
to support anyone
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and is the safest to be thrown
by minors.
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Unprofessional minors,
by the way.
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This isn't like
Netflix "Cheer" quality girls.
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This is day camp quality girls.
You know what that means?
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Day camp? These girls don't even
have the heart and commitment
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to go to a sleepaway camp.
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They're just stopping by
at 2 p.m.
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to drop me on a rubber mat
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that's somehow harder
than the floor?
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Do you even want this, Marisa?
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Because right now you're trying
to make Nationals
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with a real Regionals attitude.
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[laughter and applause]
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So the whole time
that I'm being...
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[panting and gasping]
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[grunts]
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...reluctantly tossed
in the air,
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our cheer instructor,
Mrs. Schmidt, is yelling at me,
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"Smile! You're at the top
of a pyramid,
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not the top of the cross!"
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[laughter]
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She's very religious.
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Every time that the girls
would drop me,
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which happened...
all of the time,
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Mrs. Schmidt would have all
the girls crowd around me
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in a semicircle, and they would
all start clapping.
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They would go... [chanting]
"Make noise, make noise.
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Make nose, make noise."
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00:05:12,979 --> 00:05:16,849
So not a hospital.
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If anything, just a way
to sort of drown out
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00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:22,355
any screams of pain
in case the janitor comes by,
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00:05:22,455 --> 00:05:25,124
like, "Nothing to see here!
Business as usual!"
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Roll my body up in a rubber mat
and then throw me into a swamp.
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But eventually I make it
to the boys basketball camp
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because at the end
of the summer,
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the big grand finale
for us gals...
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[laughter]
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...is we get to go up
to the boys camp--
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-AUDIENCE MEMBER: So sad!
-...and cheer them--So sad.
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[laughter and applause]
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An adult that knew they were
on camera for a taping went,
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"So sad."
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00:05:54,821 --> 00:05:59,392
[laughter and applause]
121
00:05:59,492 --> 00:06:01,260
Thank you.
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00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:02,995
[laughter and applause]
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00:06:03,062 --> 00:06:06,432
Big grand finale for us gals is
we get to go up to the boys camp
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00:06:06,532 --> 00:06:10,269
and cheer them on
during one of their games.
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00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:13,773
So sad!
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00:06:13,873 --> 00:06:20,213
[laughter and applause]
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00:06:20,279 --> 00:06:22,548
Mrs. Schmidt comes to me,
and she goes,
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"Oh, my God,
so you're gonna laugh."
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00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:27,220
I'm like, "Fuckin' try me!"
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00:06:27,286 --> 00:06:29,622
[laughter]
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00:06:29,722 --> 00:06:33,126
"We ordered the uniforms
at the beginning of the summer
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00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:35,395
before we knew
that you were gonna join us.
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00:06:35,461 --> 00:06:37,964
So all we have are skirts.
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00:06:38,064 --> 00:06:40,566
Don't worry.
I wouldn't do that to you.
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00:06:40,633 --> 00:06:44,437
Why don't you just bring a pair
of blue shorts from home?"
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00:06:44,537 --> 00:06:46,406
I have an idea.
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00:06:46,472 --> 00:06:50,376
Why don't you just kill me
right where I stand?
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00:06:50,443 --> 00:06:53,479
So I walk up
to this boys basketball camp
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00:06:53,579 --> 00:06:55,114
in blue shorts
140
00:06:55,214 --> 00:06:58,918
and a top with a neckline
that could only be described
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00:06:58,985 --> 00:07:02,922
as not unisex,
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00:07:02,989 --> 00:07:04,590
low sweeping "V,"
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00:07:04,657 --> 00:07:07,260
and because of my delicate,
little bird bone frame,
144
00:07:07,326 --> 00:07:10,830
it's--it's--it's falling
off the shoulder.
145
00:07:10,930 --> 00:07:14,634
Little tease for the boys.
Ahh.
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00:07:14,734 --> 00:07:16,269
Bitch, you wanna see
these chocolates?
147
00:07:16,335 --> 00:07:18,237
Mnh-mnh!
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00:07:18,304 --> 00:07:21,107
[laughter]
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00:07:21,174 --> 00:07:24,177
We walk up
to the boys basketball camp.
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00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:28,281
Before the boys can even
take the court for their game,
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they're like, "Get up there!
Show 'em what you learned."
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We start the boys off
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00:07:32,185 --> 00:07:34,987
with probably
our most masculine cheer.
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00:07:35,087 --> 00:07:38,858
[chanting] "All right, boys,
show us what you got!
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00:07:38,958 --> 00:07:42,094
Show us what you got, boys,
show us what you got!"
156
00:07:42,161 --> 00:07:45,131
[cheers and applause]
157
00:07:47,700 --> 00:07:50,803
[cheers and applause continue]
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00:07:50,870 --> 00:07:55,274
Now I don't know if you've ever
had to cheer someone on
159
00:07:55,341 --> 00:07:57,877
as they bully you.
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00:07:57,977 --> 00:08:01,681
[laughter]
161
00:08:01,781 --> 00:08:03,549
But it's a lot like
if someone shot you
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00:08:03,649 --> 00:08:07,487
and then it was your job
to reload their gun for them.
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00:08:07,553 --> 00:08:09,822
Oh, don't worry.
164
00:08:09,889 --> 00:08:13,192
It gets way worse,
section that's not that into it.
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00:08:13,292 --> 00:08:15,228
[laughter and applause]
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00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:18,865
Fucking halftime rolls around.
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00:08:18,965 --> 00:08:20,833
Now we have a cheer
with participation built in.
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00:08:20,900 --> 00:08:23,169
We have the cheer,
goes like this.
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00:08:23,236 --> 00:08:24,670
[chanting] "We got spirit!
Yes, we do!
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00:08:24,737 --> 00:08:27,073
We got spirit! How 'bout you?"
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00:08:27,173 --> 00:08:29,509
And the boys are supposed to go,
"Yeah!"
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00:08:29,575 --> 00:08:31,310
And we go, "I can't hear you!"
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00:08:31,377 --> 00:08:33,479
And they go, "Yeah!"
even louder.
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00:08:33,546 --> 00:08:36,716
So as the flyer, I have to step
right out in front.
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00:08:36,816 --> 00:08:38,084
[chanting] "We got spirit!
Yes, we do!
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00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:40,920
We got spirit! How 'bout you?"
177
00:08:41,020 --> 00:08:44,223
The boys take this opportunity
to yell,
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00:08:44,323 --> 00:08:48,594
"You're a cheer queer!"
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00:08:48,694 --> 00:08:54,033
And then I have to chime back in
with, "I can't hear you!"
180
00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:58,004
[laughter and applause]
181
00:09:02,675 --> 00:09:03,876
[grunts]
182
00:09:03,943 --> 00:09:08,514
"Smile! Not the cross!"
183
00:09:08,581 --> 00:09:11,551
[cheers and applause]
184
00:09:16,455 --> 00:09:18,391
I didn't know how to stand up
for myself.
185
00:09:18,457 --> 00:09:21,127
I was afraid. I was.
I was afraid.
186
00:09:21,227 --> 00:09:23,296
I didn't know how to stand up
for myself at cheer camp.
187
00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:27,366
A lot of fear
comes from being poor.
188
00:09:27,433 --> 00:09:31,604
If I was doing
a modern-day comedy special--
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00:09:31,704 --> 00:09:33,406
you know those ones where
it's like--
190
00:09:33,472 --> 00:09:36,108
it's like more like
a Ted Talk than...
191
00:09:36,208 --> 00:09:37,944
Your friend asks you, like,
192
00:09:38,044 --> 00:09:40,880
"Hey, how was that
comedy special? Was it funny?"
193
00:09:40,947 --> 00:09:43,616
And you're like,
"It was...important."
194
00:09:43,716 --> 00:09:46,652
[laughter and applause]
195
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:52,158
If I was doing one of those,
I would make the argument
196
00:09:52,258 --> 00:09:55,161
that poverty is a disease
on the very macro level.
197
00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:57,296
'Cause I do believe
that poverty is a disease,
198
00:09:57,396 --> 00:09:59,465
and its most sinister symptom
is fear.
199
00:09:59,565 --> 00:10:03,302
It's something that I carry
with me to this day.
200
00:10:03,402 --> 00:10:04,770
If I was doing
a modern-day comedy special,
201
00:10:04,837 --> 00:10:07,773
I'd make the argument that yes,
poverty is a disease.
202
00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:10,643
It's passed down generationally
just like a disease.
203
00:10:10,743 --> 00:10:12,311
There's a lower life expectancy
204
00:10:12,411 --> 00:10:14,180
for people born
below the poverty line.
205
00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:18,117
It's no revelation that poverty
is a major stressor,
206
00:10:18,184 --> 00:10:19,852
and we know that chronic stress
causes damage
207
00:10:19,952 --> 00:10:22,822
to the cerebral cortex,
the part of your brain
208
00:10:22,922 --> 00:10:25,958
that's in charge of risk/reward,
long-term planning.
209
00:10:26,025 --> 00:10:28,194
Basically all the tools that
would get you out of poverty
210
00:10:28,294 --> 00:10:31,697
get damaged by being poor.
211
00:10:31,797 --> 00:10:34,133
Trying to dig yourself
out of poverty in this country,
212
00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:38,537
it's like trying to fix
a scratch on your car
213
00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:42,475
by repainting it with a rake.
214
00:10:42,541 --> 00:10:44,477
You'll be like...
[makes squeaking sound]
215
00:10:44,543 --> 00:10:47,446
That's--That's the modern-day
comedy special.
216
00:10:47,513 --> 00:10:50,049
I do not want to do that.
217
00:10:50,149 --> 00:10:52,284
I have nothing
of educational value
218
00:10:52,351 --> 00:10:54,153
to add to your night.
219
00:10:54,220 --> 00:10:57,957
You won't learn anything.
I have legitimately no agenda.
220
00:10:58,024 --> 00:11:02,862
I just want to tell you
what it feels like to be poor,
221
00:11:02,962 --> 00:11:05,297
and what it feels like is fear.
222
00:11:05,364 --> 00:11:08,300
How do you create fear
in someone?
223
00:11:08,367 --> 00:11:11,704
Well, a good way to start is,
uh, take away their stability.
224
00:11:11,804 --> 00:11:15,708
For most of my life,
we lived in a bus.
225
00:11:15,808 --> 00:11:17,977
My parents moved us into a bus
because I think they were
226
00:11:18,044 --> 00:11:21,580
trying to speed up
their divorce.
227
00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,582
If you're ever, like,
with your spouse,
228
00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:25,918
and you're like,
"This is taking too long,"
229
00:11:26,018 --> 00:11:29,255
uh, move into a vehicle.
230
00:11:29,355 --> 00:11:31,724
'Cause every time I tell people
231
00:11:31,824 --> 00:11:34,727
that we lived in a converted bus
growing up,
232
00:11:34,827 --> 00:11:35,895
especially in L.A.,
people are like,
233
00:11:35,995 --> 00:11:39,365
"Oh, my God. Cute.
234
00:11:39,432 --> 00:11:41,267
I love that for you."
235
00:11:41,367 --> 00:11:43,569
Because I think
you are picturing
236
00:11:43,669 --> 00:11:46,939
the HGTV version of a bus,
237
00:11:47,039 --> 00:11:50,342
where it's like, uh, it's like
a young couple from Portland.
238
00:11:50,409 --> 00:11:53,045
Something's a little off
in their relationship,
239
00:11:53,112 --> 00:11:55,214
and they're always like,
"Hi. I'm Tracy,
240
00:11:55,281 --> 00:11:59,351
and my husband,
also named Tracy...
241
00:11:59,418 --> 00:12:02,388
We fixed up this old bus
because we stopped having sex,
242
00:12:02,455 --> 00:12:04,957
and large construction projects
are the only way
243
00:12:05,057 --> 00:12:07,526
that I know how to make
the time move."
244
00:12:07,593 --> 00:12:09,261
[laughter]
245
00:12:09,361 --> 00:12:12,298
Those are great.
Those buses are great.
246
00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:14,233
They're built with time, money,
247
00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:17,636
and sexual frustration
that crushes it into a diamond.
248
00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:22,308
The bus that my parents built
with no skill, no money,
249
00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:25,644
I would love to see
an HGTV show Realtor
250
00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:27,947
try to sell it.
251
00:12:28,047 --> 00:12:29,582
You know those ones that have
the kind of plastic surgery
252
00:12:29,648 --> 00:12:33,119
where it looks like
the wind hurts?
253
00:12:33,219 --> 00:12:34,754
"All right, Greg, Donovan,
254
00:12:34,820 --> 00:12:37,256
I know you were looking
for a 2-bedroom, 2-bath.
255
00:12:37,323 --> 00:12:40,960
Instead, I wanna show you
this no-bedroom, no-bath,
256
00:12:41,060 --> 00:12:44,497
hot diesel tube
that has more miles on it
257
00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:47,767
than we are currently
to the sun.
258
00:12:47,833 --> 00:12:50,636
Immediately, you're gonna notice
this diesel smell.
259
00:12:50,736 --> 00:12:53,105
Uh, I don't know how
carbon monoxide leaks work.
260
00:12:53,172 --> 00:12:54,507
I just know that sometimes
you'll be driving,
261
00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:56,275
all the air will get wavy,
262
00:12:56,342 --> 00:12:58,410
and you'll wake up
in a new state.
263
00:12:58,477 --> 00:13:01,981
Uh, mountains now."
264
00:13:02,081 --> 00:13:04,817
This is true. So now I have
all this anxiety as an adult,
265
00:13:04,917 --> 00:13:09,455
all this fear around waking up
and not knowing where I am.
266
00:13:09,522 --> 00:13:12,591
[sighs] And I travel a lot
for this job.
267
00:13:12,658 --> 00:13:14,760
So what I will do is I will say
out loud to myself
268
00:13:14,827 --> 00:13:17,363
whatever city and state I'm in
before I fall asleep.
269
00:13:17,463 --> 00:13:19,698
So a couple days ago,
I was in Chicago,
270
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:22,935
and I was like, "I'm in Chicago.
I'm in Chicago, Illinois." Okay?
271
00:13:23,002 --> 00:13:24,703
Tonight I will say to myself,
"I'm in Los Angeles.
272
00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:28,174
I'm in Los Angeles, California."
Fine.
273
00:13:28,274 --> 00:13:33,145
Sometimes I will forget that
someone is in the bed with me.
274
00:13:33,212 --> 00:13:38,117
I was in Arizona, and I met
this young woman after a show,
275
00:13:38,184 --> 00:13:41,720
and we had all of the drinks.
276
00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:44,390
Alcohol,
uh, juice that makes you rude.
277
00:13:44,490 --> 00:13:48,561
And I forgot that she was
in the bed next to me.
278
00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:53,465
So I just say out loud, "Sedona.
I'm in Sedona, Arizona."
279
00:13:53,532 --> 00:13:57,036
[laughter]
280
00:13:57,136 --> 00:13:59,205
Very comforting for me.
281
00:13:59,305 --> 00:14:03,542
For her, it's the first act
of the horror movie.
282
00:14:03,642 --> 00:14:09,048
I'm on my healing journey.
She is on "The First 48."
283
00:14:09,148 --> 00:14:11,050
Why does it matter if there's
fear in poor people?
284
00:14:11,150 --> 00:14:14,186
Well, the second you start
making decisions out of fear,
285
00:14:14,253 --> 00:14:15,821
those are stupid decisions,
right?
286
00:14:15,888 --> 00:14:17,556
You get backed into a corner,
287
00:14:17,656 --> 00:14:19,258
and a lot of times,
as a poor person,
288
00:14:19,358 --> 00:14:20,826
you have to make
those decisions,
289
00:14:20,893 --> 00:14:23,863
and we've somehow muddled that
in our culture to think that,
290
00:14:23,929 --> 00:14:27,867
"Oh, poor people are stupid"
because of these decisions.
291
00:14:27,933 --> 00:14:29,702
I just recently found out
292
00:14:29,768 --> 00:14:32,938
that I'm--am severely dyslexic
and dysgraphic.
293
00:14:33,038 --> 00:14:36,775
Uh, it's a very fancy way
to say "illiterate."
294
00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:40,613
If you're rich in this country,
and you not know read good,
295
00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:43,382
then automatically we're like,
296
00:14:43,449 --> 00:14:45,684
"Okay, you probably have
a learning disability.
297
00:14:45,751 --> 00:14:47,720
Let's look into it.
We'll get you into a program.
298
00:14:47,786 --> 00:14:50,055
We'll get you some Adderall,"
and the parents are like,
299
00:14:50,122 --> 00:14:51,891
"Whoa, Adderall sounds
super dangerous.
300
00:14:51,957 --> 00:14:53,893
Isn't that just like cocaine?"
301
00:14:53,959 --> 00:14:56,061
And the government's like,
"No. Cocaine is bad.
302
00:14:56,128 --> 00:14:59,865
Adderall is...blue."
303
00:14:59,932 --> 00:15:01,901
[laughter]
304
00:15:01,967 --> 00:15:05,404
[applause]
305
00:15:05,471 --> 00:15:07,539
And then parents are like,
"Uh...that sounds good."
306
00:15:07,606 --> 00:15:11,410
I guess give it to every child
that even breaks eye contact.
307
00:15:11,477 --> 00:15:13,145
[laughter]
308
00:15:13,245 --> 00:15:15,814
If you're poor
and you not know read good,
309
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:19,919
then we're just like,
"Oh, yeah, business as usual."
310
00:15:19,985 --> 00:15:23,122
People presume that poor people
are stupid so often
311
00:15:23,222 --> 00:15:25,591
that when a poor person
is not stupid,
312
00:15:25,658 --> 00:15:30,162
holy shit, well, then it's like
a whole goddamn movie.
313
00:15:30,262 --> 00:15:33,766
It's like a whole
"Good Will Hunting" movie
314
00:15:33,832 --> 00:15:35,768
where the entire premise
is just,
315
00:15:35,834 --> 00:15:39,338
"Ah! Forget aliens in space.
Can you imagine a world
316
00:15:39,438 --> 00:15:42,741
where this piece of shit
that mops the floors
317
00:15:42,808 --> 00:15:45,110
understood math?
318
00:15:45,177 --> 00:15:48,681
Give it every Oscar."
319
00:15:48,781 --> 00:15:52,451
[cheers and applause]
320
00:15:52,518 --> 00:15:54,853
I only...
321
00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:57,323
I only recently found out
that I'm dyslexic.
322
00:15:57,423 --> 00:15:58,857
If you're not familiar
with dyslexia,
323
00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:00,993
if you haven't, like,
read up on it, don't worry.
324
00:16:01,093 --> 00:16:02,861
Neither have we.
325
00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:07,199
All dyslexia really means
is that zero percent of the time
326
00:16:07,299 --> 00:16:11,003
is the book better than
the movie for me.
327
00:16:11,103 --> 00:16:14,707
I-I have never had a movie
ruin a book.
328
00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:18,444
I have had plenty of
very confusing books cleared up
329
00:16:18,510 --> 00:16:21,013
thanks to dogshit movies.
330
00:16:21,113 --> 00:16:23,349
Thank you, "Percy Jackson."
331
00:16:23,449 --> 00:16:25,818
Thank you,
third "Harry Potter" movie.
332
00:16:25,884 --> 00:16:28,854
[cheers and applause]
333
00:16:31,890 --> 00:16:33,158
Not only...
334
00:16:33,225 --> 00:16:35,728
Not only did people think
I was stupid growing up,
335
00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:37,997
but, uh, adults like yourself
all the time
336
00:16:38,063 --> 00:16:41,367
would come up to me and ask
if I was, in fact,
337
00:16:41,467 --> 00:16:43,902
a little lady person.
338
00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:45,404
I was a very late bloomer.
339
00:16:45,504 --> 00:16:47,306
I didn't really hit puberty
until...
340
00:16:47,373 --> 00:16:49,475
hopefully next year.
341
00:16:49,541 --> 00:16:50,909
[laughter]
342
00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:54,313
I was very free with my wrists
as a kid,
343
00:16:54,380 --> 00:16:57,583
just like two wet
American flags in the sun,
344
00:16:57,683 --> 00:16:59,685
and I walked on my toes.
345
00:16:59,752 --> 00:17:01,253
I walked on my toes
for some reason.
346
00:17:01,353 --> 00:17:02,988
So in combination, I-I...
347
00:17:03,055 --> 00:17:05,591
I walk like how bells sound.
348
00:17:05,691 --> 00:17:07,059
[laughter]
349
00:17:07,159 --> 00:17:08,560
[tune of "Carol of the Bells"]
♪ Bing-ba-da-bing ♪
350
00:17:08,660 --> 00:17:10,262
♪ Bing-ba-da-bing,
bing-ba-da-bing ♪
351
00:17:10,362 --> 00:17:11,764
And to make matters even worse,
352
00:17:11,864 --> 00:17:15,868
I had this shoulder length
long, blond hair.
353
00:17:15,934 --> 00:17:17,369
My mom did not know how
to cut hair.
354
00:17:17,436 --> 00:17:20,205
She was too cheap to pay someone
to cut it.
355
00:17:20,272 --> 00:17:21,940
So she's like, "You know what?
I'll just make it
356
00:17:22,040 --> 00:17:23,709
exactly like my hair
but a little bit shorter,
357
00:17:23,776 --> 00:17:26,879
and then that'll be for boys,"
and it's not.
358
00:17:26,945 --> 00:17:30,115
It is the Lizzie McGuire.
359
00:17:30,215 --> 00:17:33,519
In fact, it's this right here.
360
00:17:33,585 --> 00:17:35,421
-[audience gasps]
-Oh, God!
361
00:17:35,521 --> 00:17:37,122
Oh, God!
362
00:17:37,222 --> 00:17:39,458
[cheers and applause]
363
00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:42,194
Notice the low swooping necklace
364
00:17:42,261 --> 00:17:45,397
to accommodate
for the puka shell necklace.
365
00:17:45,464 --> 00:17:46,932
Remember when you wanted
366
00:17:47,032 --> 00:17:48,634
a meth head's teeth
around your neck?
367
00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:52,304
"Now...why is it
this glowing, platinum blond?
368
00:17:52,404 --> 00:17:54,406
You're not blond now."
369
00:17:54,473 --> 00:17:56,108
Well, this is true.
370
00:17:56,208 --> 00:17:58,277
My mom dyed
all five of her kids blond
371
00:17:58,377 --> 00:18:02,147
because she didn't
want anyone knowing
372
00:18:02,247 --> 00:18:05,484
that she herself
was not a natural blonde.
373
00:18:05,584 --> 00:18:07,419
[laughter]
374
00:18:07,486 --> 00:18:09,755
[applause]
375
00:18:09,822 --> 00:18:12,458
Holy shit. Show's over.
376
00:18:12,558 --> 00:18:14,259
Even a serial killer
on the run from the law
377
00:18:14,326 --> 00:18:18,230
would be like, "That's too much.
I'll do the time."
378
00:18:18,297 --> 00:18:20,999
Oh. I was talking to my mom
about this,
379
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:24,236
just setting up the special,
fact-checking everything,
380
00:18:24,303 --> 00:18:26,438
and she goes, "Well, I didn't
just dye your guys' hair blond
381
00:18:26,505 --> 00:18:28,607
for--for--for my sake.
382
00:18:28,674 --> 00:18:31,810
I also dyed it blond because
we were about to be evicted
383
00:18:31,910 --> 00:18:34,113
from a 1-bedroom apartment,
and I wanted to make
384
00:18:34,179 --> 00:18:37,683
all you five kids
look like one kid."
385
00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:38,984
[laughter]
386
00:18:39,084 --> 00:18:42,521
[scoffs] That's worse!
That's way worse!
387
00:18:42,621 --> 00:18:43,755
[scoffs]
388
00:18:43,822 --> 00:18:47,693
Never, never defend yourself
in court.
389
00:18:47,793 --> 00:18:49,995
"Your Honor, how could I have
committed that hit-and-run
390
00:18:50,095 --> 00:18:53,432
when I was across town
committing a murder?"
391
00:18:53,499 --> 00:18:56,468
[laughter]
392
00:18:58,470 --> 00:19:01,707
I look so much like
a little lady person.
393
00:19:01,807 --> 00:19:04,676
I was once kicked out
of a men's restroom.
394
00:19:04,776 --> 00:19:06,879
At 13, I was at
an Outback Steakhouse
395
00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:09,648
with my mom, not to eat
but to steal toilet paper.
396
00:19:09,715 --> 00:19:11,550
[laughter]
397
00:19:11,650 --> 00:19:13,986
I was always too afraid to steal
398
00:19:14,052 --> 00:19:15,120
because I saw my mom
constantly get caught.
399
00:19:15,187 --> 00:19:17,122
She was a terrible shoplifter.
400
00:19:17,189 --> 00:19:19,057
And one time she tried to steal
bottles of vitamins
401
00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:20,893
from a grocery store.
402
00:19:20,993 --> 00:19:22,961
I don't know if you've ever
tried to steal
403
00:19:23,028 --> 00:19:24,296
bottles of vitamins before,
404
00:19:24,363 --> 00:19:27,799
but it's a lot like
trying to steal maracas.
405
00:19:27,866 --> 00:19:29,635
[laughter]
406
00:19:29,701 --> 00:19:33,338
Chh-chh! Chh-chh-chh.
407
00:19:33,405 --> 00:19:35,307
Chh-chh!
408
00:19:35,374 --> 00:19:37,142
And then she would be surprised
when she got caught.
409
00:19:37,209 --> 00:19:39,077
"How did they know?"
410
00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:40,979
I'm gonna guess they were
tipped off by the quinceañera
411
00:19:41,046 --> 00:19:44,049
you have going on in your purse.
412
00:19:44,149 --> 00:19:48,387
[cheers and applause]
413
00:19:48,487 --> 00:19:51,924
I was kicked out
of a men's restroom at 13,
414
00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:53,692
Outback Steakhouse with my mom.
415
00:19:53,759 --> 00:19:55,761
One of the customers comes in
right after me,
416
00:19:55,861 --> 00:19:58,363
and he goes,
"Whoa! What are you doing?
417
00:19:58,430 --> 00:20:02,067
The women's restroom is
the next door over, sweetie."
418
00:20:02,167 --> 00:20:03,835
Okay.
419
00:20:03,902 --> 00:20:05,771
We've all established
what I looked like.
420
00:20:05,871 --> 00:20:11,543
But also, at this point, I was
already standing at the urinal.
421
00:20:11,610 --> 00:20:14,446
[laughter]
422
00:20:14,546 --> 00:20:16,448
Well, what did he think
I was doing?
423
00:20:16,548 --> 00:20:19,117
[laughter]
424
00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:21,353
[grunting]
425
00:20:21,420 --> 00:20:24,756
Try to...cup it
and splash it in?
426
00:20:24,856 --> 00:20:28,727
And if I do get it in there,
why don't you let a girl dream?
427
00:20:28,794 --> 00:20:31,630
I'm over here, trying to shatter
the porcelain ceiling.
428
00:20:31,730 --> 00:20:34,633
[laughter]
429
00:20:34,733 --> 00:20:37,436
I definitely know I was supposed
to be a rich piece of shit
430
00:20:37,536 --> 00:20:39,805
because the thing
that bothered me the most
431
00:20:39,905 --> 00:20:42,074
was the terms for poor people.
432
00:20:42,140 --> 00:20:43,609
So if you're on food stamps
like we were,
433
00:20:43,709 --> 00:20:47,980
you were called
a "food-insecure household."
434
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,115
I never liked that,
'cause "food-insecure"--
435
00:20:50,215 --> 00:20:53,652
it... [sighs]
it's too emotional of a word.
436
00:20:53,752 --> 00:20:55,454
It just makes, like,
a pretty serious issue
437
00:20:55,554 --> 00:20:59,157
just sound adorable,
like it's in our heads,
438
00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:00,759
like the government's like,
439
00:21:00,826 --> 00:21:04,663
"Oh, come on!
Show us your food. Show us."
440
00:21:04,763 --> 00:21:07,332
And I'm like...
441
00:21:07,432 --> 00:21:10,669
[laughter]
442
00:21:10,769 --> 00:21:13,305
Mnh-mnh.
443
00:21:13,405 --> 00:21:15,340
"Come on, show--
go and show us that..."
444
00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:17,843
Look, I need carbs,
not confidence.
445
00:21:17,943 --> 00:21:19,011
But it makes us feel better
if we can make
446
00:21:19,111 --> 00:21:20,912
a systemic issue
sound psychological,
447
00:21:20,979 --> 00:21:22,281
then it's like, "I don't have
to deal with it.
448
00:21:22,347 --> 00:21:23,849
They can just
pull themselves up."
449
00:21:23,949 --> 00:21:25,417
If you're on food stamps,
450
00:21:25,484 --> 00:21:27,019
they don't call it "food stamps"
anymore.
451
00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:28,754
Now it's called SNAP--
452
00:21:28,820 --> 00:21:31,290
Supplemental Nutritional
Assistance Program.
453
00:21:31,356 --> 00:21:32,624
"SNAP" just sounds like
454
00:21:32,691 --> 00:21:34,626
an off-off-off
Broadway production
455
00:21:34,693 --> 00:21:37,796
of "STOMP," the musical.
456
00:21:37,863 --> 00:21:39,631
"Can't afford brooms.
Don't wanna get sued.
457
00:21:39,698 --> 00:21:42,267
So just snap."
458
00:21:42,334 --> 00:21:43,802
A woman came up to me
after a show
459
00:21:43,869 --> 00:21:48,874
who essentially looked like
if an NPR tote bag was a person.
460
00:21:48,974 --> 00:21:51,543
And she was like, "Okay, so--
461
00:21:51,643 --> 00:21:53,178
so you were homeless
growing up,
462
00:21:53,278 --> 00:21:55,213
but you shouldn't say
that you were homeless.
463
00:21:55,314 --> 00:21:56,715
It's, like, derogatory.
464
00:21:56,815 --> 00:21:59,451
You should say
that you were 'unhoused.'"
465
00:21:59,518 --> 00:22:02,321
And I'm like, "Oh, yeah,
sorry I bummed you out
466
00:22:02,387 --> 00:22:05,490
with my own
personal experience."
467
00:22:05,557 --> 00:22:09,027
[laughter and applause]
468
00:22:09,127 --> 00:22:10,896
I think it's just like it's
these half-measures that we do
469
00:22:10,996 --> 00:22:12,564
to make ourselves feel better.
470
00:22:12,664 --> 00:22:14,733
"Unhoused"
doesn't even make sense.
471
00:22:14,833 --> 00:22:16,535
I get that it's the polite thing
to say,
472
00:22:16,635 --> 00:22:18,337
but it doesn't make sense.
"Homeless" makes sense.
473
00:22:18,403 --> 00:22:21,006
We had a home,
and then we had less.
474
00:22:21,073 --> 00:22:25,744
"Unhoused"--that sounds like
another HGTV show.
475
00:22:25,844 --> 00:22:28,547
"Tracy and Tracy realized that
the bus wasn't their problem.
476
00:22:28,647 --> 00:22:31,316
The problem was Tracy."
477
00:22:31,383 --> 00:22:33,485
"I've tasted a gun before.
I didn't pull the trigger,
478
00:22:33,552 --> 00:22:35,854
but it hit one of my fillings,
and I liked it."
479
00:22:35,921 --> 00:22:37,389
[laughter]
480
00:22:37,489 --> 00:22:40,425
"So now they're trying
to get unhoused."
481
00:22:40,525 --> 00:22:43,695
[laughter]
482
00:22:43,762 --> 00:22:46,064
You can't buy everything
you want on food stamps, right?
483
00:22:46,164 --> 00:22:47,532
And even when
we would buy things
484
00:22:47,599 --> 00:22:49,534
that are not, like,
food stamp-approved,
485
00:22:49,601 --> 00:22:53,372
we would still get the shitty
poor person version of it.
486
00:22:53,438 --> 00:22:55,674
Anytime we wanted ice cream,
my mom would buy us
487
00:22:55,741 --> 00:23:01,079
that giant, clear value bucket
of ice cream.
488
00:23:01,179 --> 00:23:03,248
Did you ever get those?
You know what I mean?
489
00:23:03,348 --> 00:23:05,117
-[cheers and applause]
-Where, like, you read it,
490
00:23:05,217 --> 00:23:08,920
it's like too cheap
to even be a real flavor?
491
00:23:09,020 --> 00:23:10,288
You read it, it's like,
492
00:23:10,389 --> 00:23:13,959
"We got white,
and we got darker white!"
493
00:23:14,059 --> 00:23:16,762
What's darker white? Is that
supposed to be vanilla bean?
494
00:23:16,862 --> 00:23:20,432
Why are there pinto beans
in there?
495
00:23:20,532 --> 00:23:23,902
And this is true. My mom only
bought us that ice cream bucket
496
00:23:23,969 --> 00:23:27,706
because she wanted
the actual bucket.
497
00:23:27,773 --> 00:23:30,542
At Walmart,
a mopping bucket costs $6.99.
498
00:23:30,609 --> 00:23:35,080
Value bucket filled
with ice cream--$4.99.
499
00:23:35,147 --> 00:23:38,717
It was cheaper
than an empty bucket.
500
00:23:38,784 --> 00:23:40,752
[laughter]
501
00:23:40,819 --> 00:23:45,290
Do you know how shitty
your ice cream has to be
502
00:23:45,390 --> 00:23:47,959
to actually depreciate the value
of an empty bucket?
503
00:23:48,059 --> 00:23:50,162
You'll be all,
"I don't want that bucket
504
00:23:50,262 --> 00:23:51,897
if that ice cream's
even touched it.
505
00:23:51,963 --> 00:23:54,332
It might ruin
my dirty mop water."
506
00:23:54,433 --> 00:23:57,402
[laughter]
507
00:23:57,469 --> 00:24:00,305
Now the truth about food stamps
is it's a broken system.
508
00:24:00,405 --> 00:24:02,007
You pay too much for it
as a taxpayer.
509
00:24:02,107 --> 00:24:04,476
Also, for the families
that are on it, it's not enough.
510
00:24:04,576 --> 00:24:06,077
You always run
out of food stamps.
511
00:24:06,144 --> 00:24:07,679
So what most families do
is they, one,
512
00:24:07,779 --> 00:24:09,314
just won't eat
when they run out,
513
00:24:09,414 --> 00:24:13,084
or they'll go to a food bank
and get the dented cans.
514
00:24:13,151 --> 00:24:16,154
[sighs] It is...
I'll get off it,
515
00:24:16,254 --> 00:24:17,856
but it did seem suspicious
516
00:24:17,956 --> 00:24:20,125
that all of the cans
were dented.
517
00:24:20,192 --> 00:24:21,760
All of them?
518
00:24:21,827 --> 00:24:24,529
It's like, are they doing that?
Or how are you guys shopping?
519
00:24:24,629 --> 00:24:27,199
You're like, "What is this?
Low-sodium corn?"
520
00:24:27,299 --> 00:24:29,835
"Get out of here!"
521
00:24:29,935 --> 00:24:34,139
[laughter and applause]
522
00:24:34,206 --> 00:24:35,540
If you don't wanna do that,
523
00:24:35,640 --> 00:24:37,542
you don't want
the pandering programs,
524
00:24:37,642 --> 00:24:39,010
you can take a little agency
over your life.
525
00:24:39,110 --> 00:24:40,979
Yeah, it's humiliating,
526
00:24:41,046 --> 00:24:43,849
but you can dumpster dive
for food.
527
00:24:43,949 --> 00:24:45,817
Whatever the grocery store
throws out that's expired
528
00:24:45,884 --> 00:24:47,786
or is about to expire,
529
00:24:47,853 --> 00:24:50,889
we would take that and...
[sighs]
530
00:24:50,989 --> 00:24:53,558
I just hated my job
dumpster diving.
531
00:24:53,658 --> 00:24:56,127
I-I had to be the lookout.
532
00:24:56,194 --> 00:24:57,395
I was the smallest,
so I couldn't be
533
00:24:57,496 --> 00:25:00,298
in the cool-ass dumpster
with my siblings.
534
00:25:00,365 --> 00:25:01,900
I had to be the lookout.
535
00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:04,035
Like, that's the worst job
in a heist movie.
536
00:25:04,135 --> 00:25:05,704
I'm not even the lookout
for something cool
537
00:25:05,804 --> 00:25:08,707
like cash or diamonds.
I'm the lookout for garbage,
538
00:25:08,807 --> 00:25:11,042
something we've all
unanimously decided
539
00:25:11,142 --> 00:25:13,245
we do not want to look at.
540
00:25:13,345 --> 00:25:14,713
So there's no job.
Every once in a while,
541
00:25:14,813 --> 00:25:16,047
a car would drive by,
542
00:25:16,147 --> 00:25:19,351
and then I would just be
out front, just...
543
00:25:19,417 --> 00:25:21,253
[laughter and applause]
544
00:25:21,353 --> 00:25:22,988
The face of dumpster diving--
545
00:25:23,054 --> 00:25:26,858
really, the flyer
of dumpster diving.
546
00:25:26,925 --> 00:25:30,862
[chanting] E., E. coli,
E., E., E. coli!
547
00:25:30,929 --> 00:25:33,932
[cheers and applause]
548
00:25:34,032 --> 00:25:37,168
That's what people wanna know.
549
00:25:37,235 --> 00:25:38,937
That's the next question, right?
550
00:25:39,037 --> 00:25:41,072
Did we ever get sick
eating from the dumpster?
551
00:25:41,172 --> 00:25:44,509
Of course.
When I was 9 years old,
552
00:25:44,576 --> 00:25:47,546
we were living in this
really terrible part of Florida
553
00:25:47,612 --> 00:25:50,382
called Florida and...
-[laughter]
554
00:25:50,448 --> 00:25:53,018
Ha ha, no one's ever made
that joke before.
555
00:25:53,084 --> 00:25:54,686
[laughter]
556
00:25:54,753 --> 00:25:56,521
Anytime we wanted
to go swimming,
557
00:25:56,588 --> 00:25:58,723
we couldn't afford our own pool,
what we would do
558
00:25:58,790 --> 00:26:01,293
is we would break
into a condo community
559
00:26:01,393 --> 00:26:04,296
or an apartment complex,
or even a country club
560
00:26:04,396 --> 00:26:08,066
in an upscale area,
pretend we lived where you live
561
00:26:08,133 --> 00:26:09,434
so we could use your pool.
562
00:26:09,534 --> 00:26:12,637
Some of you know this
as a crime.
563
00:26:12,737 --> 00:26:14,739
We were about to break into
564
00:26:14,806 --> 00:26:17,075
the nicest pool in Florida--
Bluewater Bay.
565
00:26:17,142 --> 00:26:19,644
Only downside of Bluewater Bay
566
00:26:19,744 --> 00:26:21,580
is they had a shit-ton
of security
567
00:26:21,646 --> 00:26:24,783
to the point where it made me
mad how much security there was.
568
00:26:24,883 --> 00:26:26,918
There was
a guard shack security guard,
569
00:26:26,985 --> 00:26:28,620
a roaming security guard,
570
00:26:28,720 --> 00:26:32,057
and just a pool security guard.
571
00:26:32,123 --> 00:26:33,491
My mom was
all about doubling up,
572
00:26:33,592 --> 00:26:36,161
not just cheer camp
and basketball camp.
573
00:26:36,261 --> 00:26:38,430
So she was like, "Okay, we're
gonna drive all the way out
574
00:26:38,496 --> 00:26:39,998
to this nice neighborhood.
575
00:26:40,098 --> 00:26:42,467
First, we're gonna stop off
at their grocery store dumpster,
576
00:26:42,567 --> 00:26:45,170
see what these richies
are throwing out."
577
00:26:45,270 --> 00:26:47,505
[laughter]
578
00:26:47,606 --> 00:26:48,807
I had never seen
anything like it.
579
00:26:48,907 --> 00:26:51,176
This grocery store's freezers
went down,
580
00:26:51,276 --> 00:26:54,346
so they threw out their entire
ice cream department at once.
581
00:26:54,446 --> 00:26:57,849
Every kind of name-brand
non-bucket ice cream
582
00:26:57,949 --> 00:27:00,485
is now in three large
blue trash bags
583
00:27:00,585 --> 00:27:03,355
sitting in this dumpster--
Hershey's, Klondike,
584
00:27:03,455 --> 00:27:06,825
whatever the fuck
sherbert is supposed to be.
585
00:27:06,925 --> 00:27:08,693
My four siblings and I,
we waste no time,
586
00:27:08,793 --> 00:27:10,462
right there, back of the store,
587
00:27:10,528 --> 00:27:12,430
just start shoveling
half-melted ice cream
588
00:27:12,497 --> 00:27:14,599
into our face as fast
as possible,
589
00:27:14,666 --> 00:27:17,202
just like little raccoons
before this all melts.
590
00:27:17,302 --> 00:27:20,305
[laughter]
591
00:27:20,372 --> 00:27:24,109
And I feel that judgment
from the crowd.
592
00:27:24,175 --> 00:27:28,313
"Gross! You're gonna eat
dumpster ice cream?"
593
00:27:28,380 --> 00:27:30,815
Yeah. It's ice cream.
594
00:27:30,882 --> 00:27:33,284
Do you know how good
ice cream is?
595
00:27:33,351 --> 00:27:35,987
Ice cream is so good,
it's the only food
596
00:27:36,054 --> 00:27:39,658
that all of us in this room
will willingly eat
597
00:27:39,724 --> 00:27:42,827
out of a stranger's
windowless van.
598
00:27:42,894 --> 00:27:44,796
[laughter and applause]
599
00:27:44,863 --> 00:27:47,365
And we're excited about it!
600
00:27:47,465 --> 00:27:49,968
Oh, yay! It's the ice cream man!
601
00:27:50,035 --> 00:27:53,338
Send the kids alone!
Surely that'll be safe.
602
00:27:53,405 --> 00:27:57,742
He is only playing the world's
scariest clown music.
603
00:27:57,842 --> 00:28:02,247
Dressed in all white. What kind
of pervert dresses in all white?
604
00:28:02,347 --> 00:28:05,016
[laughter]
605
00:28:05,083 --> 00:28:07,085
[cheers and applause]
606
00:28:07,185 --> 00:28:10,021
So my four siblings and I
waste no time.
607
00:28:10,088 --> 00:28:13,391
We polish off three large
trash bags of ice cream
608
00:28:13,491 --> 00:28:17,829
between the 5 of us
in under 15 minutes.
609
00:28:17,896 --> 00:28:22,500
I don't know if you've ever had
to speed-eat dairy in the sun.
610
00:28:22,567 --> 00:28:24,069
[laughter]
611
00:28:24,169 --> 00:28:26,604
We are not doing well.
612
00:28:26,705 --> 00:28:28,506
Have you ever been--
have you ever been so full
613
00:28:28,573 --> 00:28:30,442
that you feel it in your neck?
614
00:28:30,542 --> 00:28:31,676
[gulps]
615
00:28:31,743 --> 00:28:34,579
Ahh. It's like every burp
is so high stakes.
616
00:28:34,679 --> 00:28:36,614
Every--Every burp is
a contraction
617
00:28:36,715 --> 00:28:39,584
for the barf baby
that you're about to deliver.
618
00:28:39,684 --> 00:28:41,686
Like, it's kicking.
It has a pulse.
619
00:28:41,753 --> 00:28:43,521
Like, if I lived in Texas
right now,
620
00:28:43,588 --> 00:28:45,690
it'd be illegal
to throw this up.
621
00:28:45,757 --> 00:28:48,193
[cheers and applause]
622
00:28:48,259 --> 00:28:50,128
[imitates Southern accent]
"That baby's a person there.
623
00:28:50,228 --> 00:28:52,030
I'll snitch on you."
624
00:28:52,097 --> 00:28:53,965
[applause]
625
00:28:54,065 --> 00:28:57,602
So my mom, thank God,
being the one adult
626
00:28:57,702 --> 00:29:00,071
in this whole situation,
gets a look at us and is like,
627
00:29:00,138 --> 00:29:04,909
"Okay, you guys do not
look well, so pool day...
628
00:29:04,976 --> 00:29:07,312
is still definitely on.
629
00:29:07,412 --> 00:29:08,913
I'm not driving back
this way again.
630
00:29:08,980 --> 00:29:10,648
Rally. Let's go."
631
00:29:10,749 --> 00:29:13,485
I get to this pool.
632
00:29:13,585 --> 00:29:15,987
It is packed
with other families.
633
00:29:16,087 --> 00:29:17,489
So all the security guards
are out--
634
00:29:17,589 --> 00:29:20,558
the guard shack security guard,
the roaming security guard,
635
00:29:20,625 --> 00:29:23,228
and just
the pool security guard.
636
00:29:23,294 --> 00:29:25,630
My mom is like,
"Okay, look at me.
637
00:29:25,730 --> 00:29:28,900
Look at me. Don't freak out.
Just stick with the regular plan
638
00:29:28,967 --> 00:29:30,668
of breaking
into one of these pools.
639
00:29:30,769 --> 00:29:33,671
Every kid spreads out
as far as possible.
640
00:29:33,772 --> 00:29:36,975
One by one, you enter the pool
from different sides.
641
00:29:37,075 --> 00:29:38,843
When it's safe,
you can meet in the middle.
642
00:29:38,943 --> 00:29:41,246
We're not gonna flash mob
people with poverty."
643
00:29:41,312 --> 00:29:44,315
[laughter]
644
00:29:44,415 --> 00:29:48,286
But the second that I jump in
on my side of the pool,
645
00:29:48,353 --> 00:29:50,688
I know that I'm gonna vomit.
646
00:29:50,789 --> 00:29:52,757
[laughter]
647
00:29:52,824 --> 00:29:57,295
so my plan is to just
put my mouth under the water
648
00:29:57,362 --> 00:29:59,097
so it won't make a sound,
649
00:29:59,164 --> 00:30:00,832
and then just...
[imitates vomiting]
650
00:30:00,932 --> 00:30:04,202
So--So much. It looked like
I had eaten nothing
651
00:30:04,302 --> 00:30:07,472
but 700 vanilla lava lamps.
652
00:30:07,539 --> 00:30:11,376
The amount that came out
was just like, oh, my God.
653
00:30:11,476 --> 00:30:15,213
I think I figured out
how they make darker white.
654
00:30:15,313 --> 00:30:16,981
This kid with red hair--
655
00:30:17,048 --> 00:30:18,550
he comes to the surface
of the pool,
656
00:30:18,650 --> 00:30:22,220
and he goes, "Oh, my God!"
657
00:30:22,320 --> 00:30:27,058
Because he has a full
IMAX 3-D experience below.
658
00:30:27,158 --> 00:30:29,460
That causes
my older brother Jonah,
659
00:30:29,527 --> 00:30:31,362
who was already... [gags]
not doing well--
660
00:30:31,462 --> 00:30:36,034
he turns--he sees me,
and then he starts vomiting.
661
00:30:36,134 --> 00:30:39,070
Because vomiting is a lot like
those inspirational quotes
662
00:30:39,170 --> 00:30:41,406
that white girls
will post online--
663
00:30:41,506 --> 00:30:42,841
very contagious and embarrassing
664
00:30:42,907 --> 00:30:45,877
when it slips out of your mouth
in public.
665
00:30:45,977 --> 00:30:49,214
So he just starts... [gags]
666
00:30:49,314 --> 00:30:50,915
"If you can't handle me
at my worst,
667
00:30:51,015 --> 00:30:53,418
you don't deserve me
at my best."
668
00:30:53,518 --> 00:30:57,755
That triggers my two sisters
over here to just... [gags]
669
00:30:57,856 --> 00:31:01,226
"Shoot for the moon. You might
land amongst the stars."
670
00:31:01,326 --> 00:31:03,928
And then finally, my older
brother David just...
671
00:31:04,028 --> 00:31:06,231
[imitates vomiting]
"If you want a rainbow,
672
00:31:06,331 --> 00:31:08,600
you're gonna have to put up
with some rain."
673
00:31:08,700 --> 00:31:10,735
So now...
674
00:31:10,835 --> 00:31:15,273
[cheers and applause]
675
00:31:15,373 --> 00:31:18,443
There are five kids
simultaneously
676
00:31:18,543 --> 00:31:21,846
inspiring the shit
out of one pool,
677
00:31:21,913 --> 00:31:24,782
which turns out is way too many
kids to be throwing up at once.
678
00:31:24,883 --> 00:31:27,785
I know that because
the other parents at this pool
679
00:31:27,886 --> 00:31:30,955
are now freaking the fuck out.
680
00:31:31,055 --> 00:31:36,694
Because we are all so far
spread out in this pool,
681
00:31:36,761 --> 00:31:39,197
it doesn't look like
some isolated incident.
682
00:31:39,264 --> 00:31:42,300
In their minds, it looks like
some sort of violent supervirus
683
00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:47,071
has swept over the entire pool,
causing kids to explode.
684
00:31:47,138 --> 00:31:48,706
Kids are screaming.
685
00:31:48,773 --> 00:31:50,808
Parents are pulling their kids
out by the arms.
686
00:31:50,909 --> 00:31:52,644
There's kids throwing up that
687
00:31:52,744 --> 00:31:55,647
didn't even eat trash bags
of ice cream.
688
00:31:55,747 --> 00:31:57,382
Fuck is your excuse?
689
00:31:57,448 --> 00:32:01,319
[cheers and applause]
690
00:32:01,419 --> 00:32:05,823
I get out of the pool.
The entire pool is ruined.
691
00:32:05,924 --> 00:32:08,793
And I remember just thinking
to myself,
692
00:32:08,893 --> 00:32:13,331
"Man...this place needs
better security."
693
00:32:13,431 --> 00:32:15,300
[laughter]
694
00:32:15,400 --> 00:32:18,336
[cheers and applause]
695
00:32:25,443 --> 00:32:27,779
I think the common misconception
is that everyone on food stamps
696
00:32:27,845 --> 00:32:31,149
is just sitting around, waiting
to collect a welfare check
697
00:32:31,249 --> 00:32:33,518
and ruining pools.
698
00:32:33,618 --> 00:32:36,154
In my personal memory,
my mom was always
699
00:32:36,254 --> 00:32:40,291
in this constant manic state
to provide for us--
700
00:32:40,358 --> 00:32:43,161
all these schemes that we'd
end up losing more money on,
701
00:32:43,261 --> 00:32:45,663
than if she just got
a minimum wage job.
702
00:32:45,763 --> 00:32:49,000
My earliest memory of this
is in 1992,
703
00:32:49,100 --> 00:32:52,870
Bob Saget came on TV
and introduced a show called
704
00:32:52,971 --> 00:32:55,139
"America's
Funniest Home Videos."
705
00:32:55,206 --> 00:32:56,808
On this show,
if you're familiar,
706
00:32:56,874 --> 00:32:58,509
people would send in, like,
their amateur tapes
707
00:32:58,609 --> 00:33:00,712
of, like, bloopers
on a home video.
708
00:33:00,812 --> 00:33:02,113
Someone fell down.
709
00:33:02,180 --> 00:33:04,382
Someone's playing wiffle ball
and got hit in the nuts.
710
00:33:04,482 --> 00:33:06,985
At the end of the show,
the funniest video would--
711
00:33:07,051 --> 00:33:09,454
it's a very exciting show
if you haven't seen it,
712
00:33:09,520 --> 00:33:11,990
'cause they--they control
the video.
713
00:33:12,056 --> 00:33:14,726
It's like watching someone else
watch YouTube.
714
00:33:14,826 --> 00:33:16,794
[laughter]
715
00:33:16,861 --> 00:33:19,163
End of the show,
the funniest video
716
00:33:19,230 --> 00:33:20,665
would win 10 grand.
717
00:33:20,732 --> 00:33:23,468
Uh, and then Bob Saget
would, like, do--
718
00:33:23,534 --> 00:33:25,703
This is not--this probably won't
make the special,
719
00:33:25,803 --> 00:33:27,739
but just for you guys, um...
[chuckles]
720
00:33:27,839 --> 00:33:29,741
I was rewatching it to, like,
prep for this,
721
00:33:29,841 --> 00:33:33,378
and for some reason,
all of Bob Saget's improv--
722
00:33:33,478 --> 00:33:35,013
he would, like, do...
[nasal voice] Ah.
723
00:33:35,079 --> 00:33:36,147
[normal voice]
...voices over the clips--
724
00:33:36,214 --> 00:33:39,317
it was all just
about his grandma
725
00:33:39,384 --> 00:33:42,687
to the point where I'm like,
like, some kid would get, like,
726
00:33:42,754 --> 00:33:44,222
you know, pulled out of frame,
727
00:33:44,322 --> 00:33:48,760
like, "This kid got yanked
harder than my grandma." Like...
728
00:33:48,860 --> 00:33:50,928
I'm worried about--
like, in a real way,
729
00:33:51,029 --> 00:33:53,197
I'm worried about his grandma.
730
00:33:53,264 --> 00:33:56,701
[laughter and applause]
731
00:33:56,768 --> 00:33:58,202
So most people heard
this concept
732
00:33:58,269 --> 00:34:00,571
of "America's
Funniest Home Videos,"
733
00:34:00,671 --> 00:34:03,408
and they were like, "Oh, that's
a fun way to pass the time
734
00:34:03,508 --> 00:34:06,110
in between Fentanyl doses."
735
00:34:06,210 --> 00:34:07,678
[laughter]
736
00:34:07,745 --> 00:34:09,547
My mom heard this,
and she took it
737
00:34:09,614 --> 00:34:13,184
as a direct
and personal job offer.
738
00:34:13,251 --> 00:34:16,120
"Okay, Bob Saget, I will
make you this funny video
739
00:34:16,220 --> 00:34:17,789
that you require.
740
00:34:17,889 --> 00:34:19,757
You will give me your 10 grand."
741
00:34:19,857 --> 00:34:22,460
Every single weekend,
we would rent a camera,
742
00:34:22,560 --> 00:34:24,929
two 6-hour tapes,
and we would shoot
743
00:34:25,029 --> 00:34:27,131
fake, staged bits
744
00:34:27,231 --> 00:34:30,635
in the hopes of scamming
the show out of 10 grand.
745
00:34:30,735 --> 00:34:31,969
Usually it's like
a happy accident,
746
00:34:32,070 --> 00:34:34,272
like, whoa, hit in the nuts.
747
00:34:34,372 --> 00:34:36,474
But my mom was like,
"No, we can engineer this.
748
00:34:36,574 --> 00:34:38,876
We're gonna do
highbrow non-nut humor."
749
00:34:38,943 --> 00:34:43,481
One day, she gets an idea that's
gonna win us the 10 grand.
750
00:34:43,581 --> 00:34:45,783
Here's the bit. All of us kids
are gonna be in the kitchen,
751
00:34:45,883 --> 00:34:47,318
making cookies, right?
752
00:34:47,418 --> 00:34:50,321
And halfway through,
2-year-old Moses...
753
00:34:50,421 --> 00:34:53,991
Huh...is going to accidentally
drop an egg
754
00:34:54,092 --> 00:34:56,627
off of the countertop--whoops--
and it's gonna land
755
00:34:56,727 --> 00:34:59,630
on my sister's head,
who is sitting just below.
756
00:34:59,730 --> 00:35:02,500
Judging by
this audience's response,
757
00:35:02,600 --> 00:35:04,102
it's a killer bit.
758
00:35:04,168 --> 00:35:05,903
[laughter]
759
00:35:05,970 --> 00:35:07,405
Anyone that's silent is going,
760
00:35:07,472 --> 00:35:09,107
"How come I didn't think
of that?
761
00:35:09,173 --> 00:35:11,642
Egg on the head.
Egg on the face."
762
00:35:11,742 --> 00:35:13,511
Two things are standing
in my mom's way
763
00:35:13,611 --> 00:35:15,680
between her and the 10 grand.
764
00:35:15,780 --> 00:35:17,448
The first is that
her very young children
765
00:35:17,515 --> 00:35:21,486
do not understand this bit
at all.
766
00:35:21,586 --> 00:35:24,288
No concept of, like, a joke,
a prank, or pretend.
767
00:35:24,355 --> 00:35:25,990
A lot of us do with number two.
768
00:35:26,090 --> 00:35:27,625
She was
a very strict, religious parent
769
00:35:27,692 --> 00:35:29,360
that we were a little afraid of.
770
00:35:29,460 --> 00:35:30,795
So when she told
my 2-year-old brain,
771
00:35:30,862 --> 00:35:33,965
"Hey, you're supposed to
accidentally--"
772
00:35:34,031 --> 00:35:35,266
Oxymoron--
773
00:35:35,333 --> 00:35:37,869
"...drop an egg
on your sister's head,"
774
00:35:37,969 --> 00:35:40,671
my brain exploded. I was like,
"This is some kind of trap.
775
00:35:40,771 --> 00:35:41,973
Why is this being filmed?
776
00:35:42,039 --> 00:35:43,207
You've been telling me
my entire life
777
00:35:43,307 --> 00:35:46,277
not to throw eggs around
like we got egg money."
778
00:35:46,344 --> 00:35:49,547
[laughter]
779
00:35:49,647 --> 00:35:51,048
So...
780
00:35:51,149 --> 00:35:53,684
what we're about to watch
right now
781
00:35:53,784 --> 00:35:56,621
is the many outtakes...
782
00:35:56,687 --> 00:36:00,958
[cheers and applause]
783
00:36:01,025 --> 00:36:03,361
...that it took to get
this very dumb video,
784
00:36:03,461 --> 00:36:06,531
and, uh, before we start it,
just a heads up.
785
00:36:06,631 --> 00:36:08,566
The video has all the charm
and production value
786
00:36:08,666 --> 00:36:12,036
of, like, a hostage video.
787
00:36:12,136 --> 00:36:15,239
So...
788
00:36:15,339 --> 00:36:19,410
I am here in the overalls
as she explains this bit to me.
789
00:36:27,652 --> 00:36:28,553
{\an8}[beep]
790
00:36:47,271 --> 00:36:48,206
[beep]
791
00:36:48,272 --> 00:36:49,607
-Hi!
-Hi!
792
00:36:49,707 --> 00:36:50,708
-Hi, Grandma and Grandpa.
-We're gonna make you a video.
793
00:36:50,775 --> 00:36:52,276
-Yeah!
-We're starting off
794
00:36:52,376 --> 00:36:56,247
{\an8}this morning by, um,
making you some cookies.
795
00:36:56,347 --> 00:36:57,615
[beep]
796
00:36:57,715 --> 00:36:59,951
[mixer whirring]
797
00:37:00,051 --> 00:37:01,419
{\an8}No, today on the tape,
we're gonna play, uh,
798
00:37:01,519 --> 00:37:03,387
{\an8}uh, we'd--we'd go outside,
799
00:37:03,454 --> 00:37:05,790
{\an8}and next we would--we--
we'd play even when--
800
00:37:05,890 --> 00:37:07,558
{\an8}we'd--we'd play outside
801
00:37:07,625 --> 00:37:11,229
{\an8}we have a swing set out there,
too.
802
00:37:11,295 --> 00:37:12,530
{\an8}Do it again.
803
00:37:17,301 --> 00:37:19,537
{\an8}Okay.
804
00:37:23,574 --> 00:37:25,142
[beep]
805
00:37:25,243 --> 00:37:27,078
-Hi, Grandma and Grandpa.
-Hi, Grandma and Grandpa.
806
00:37:27,144 --> 00:37:28,646
We're making a tape today.
807
00:37:28,746 --> 00:37:31,782
{\an8}[mixer whirring]
808
00:37:35,219 --> 00:37:40,424
{\an8}[audience laughing]
809
00:37:40,491 --> 00:37:41,659
{\an8}[beep]
810
00:37:43,394 --> 00:37:44,595
[beep]
811
00:37:44,662 --> 00:37:46,897
-Hi, Grandma and Grandpa.
-Hi!
812
00:37:46,964 --> 00:37:50,968
[mixer whirring,
speaks indistinctly]
813
00:37:51,068 --> 00:37:52,136
Yeah.
814
00:37:52,236 --> 00:37:53,437
{\an8}[beep]
815
00:37:56,107 --> 00:37:57,275
[beep]
816
00:37:57,341 --> 00:37:59,076
At this point, my mom had come
to her senses,
817
00:37:59,143 --> 00:38:00,311
like all of us in this room
818
00:38:00,411 --> 00:38:02,346
and realized what
the problem was.
819
00:38:02,446 --> 00:38:04,348
The egg is too small.
820
00:38:04,448 --> 00:38:05,850
[laughter]
821
00:38:05,950 --> 00:38:08,686
Let's up the visual stakes
with a large bag of flour.
822
00:38:08,786 --> 00:38:13,157
So now all they have to do is
just knock over a bag of flour.
823
00:38:15,593 --> 00:38:17,028
{\an8}And we're gonna send it to you
in the mail.
824
00:38:17,128 --> 00:38:20,665
{\an8}Okay, honey, do--
okay, do it again.
825
00:38:20,765 --> 00:38:21,666
[beep]
826
00:38:21,766 --> 00:38:24,468
A little beyond, but--
Oh!
827
00:38:24,535 --> 00:38:25,970
-[mixer whirring]
-Ow!
828
00:38:26,037 --> 00:38:26,971
{\an8}[beep]
829
00:38:27,038 --> 00:38:27,972
{\an8}Stop, stop.
830
00:38:29,974 --> 00:38:31,375
-[beep]
-Hi, Grandma and Grandpa!
831
00:38:31,475 --> 00:38:32,710
Hi, Grandma and Grandpa!
832
00:38:32,810 --> 00:38:35,813
{\an8}Now we're gonna send it to you
in the mail.
833
00:38:38,516 --> 00:38:40,351
{\an8}[baby cries]
834
00:38:40,451 --> 00:38:43,954
{\an8}-Wait, stop.
-Just blown the entire bit.
835
00:38:44,021 --> 00:38:47,158
{\an8}Don't say that. We're acting.
836
00:38:48,826 --> 00:38:50,027
{\an8}Oh.
837
00:38:50,127 --> 00:38:51,395
[beep]
838
00:38:51,495 --> 00:38:53,898
-Hi, Grandma and Grandpa!
-Hi, Grandma and Grandpa!
839
00:38:53,998 --> 00:38:54,999
-Hi!
-Hi!
840
00:38:55,066 --> 00:38:58,369
[mixer whirring,
indistinct conversations]
841
00:38:58,469 --> 00:39:00,404
-[beep]
-Just do it, Moses.
842
00:39:00,504 --> 00:39:04,375
-[beep]
-[speaks indistinctly]
843
00:39:04,475 --> 00:39:05,810
{\an8}[beep]
844
00:39:08,145 --> 00:39:09,413
-[beep]
-Hi, Grandma and Grandpa.
845
00:39:09,513 --> 00:39:11,582
So I've been recast
in the video.
846
00:39:11,682 --> 00:39:16,587
-Chocolate chip.
-Yeah, chocolate chips.
847
00:39:16,687 --> 00:39:18,055
David!
848
00:39:18,155 --> 00:39:19,590
{\an8}[beep]
849
00:39:19,690 --> 00:39:20,891
[beep]
850
00:39:20,991 --> 00:39:24,362
[faucet runs]
851
00:39:24,428 --> 00:39:25,830
-[beep]
-Okay, let's do it.
852
00:39:25,896 --> 00:39:27,331
-[beep]
-Here we go.
853
00:39:27,398 --> 00:39:30,234
Yeah, we're gonna make you
a lot of cookies.
854
00:39:30,334 --> 00:39:32,937
[indistinct conversations]
855
00:39:33,037 --> 00:39:36,173
-Grandma, Grandma, Grandpa.
-You can help. You can help.
856
00:39:39,443 --> 00:39:40,444
David.
857
00:39:40,544 --> 00:39:41,545
[bleep]
858
00:39:41,612 --> 00:39:44,248
-Hi, Grandma and Grandpa!
-Hi!
859
00:39:44,348 --> 00:39:46,117
We made you some cookies.
860
00:39:46,217 --> 00:39:47,251
-Yeah, chocolate chip.
-[beep]
861
00:39:47,351 --> 00:39:49,453
-David, just do it!
-[beep]
862
00:39:49,553 --> 00:39:51,922
-Can I help? Can I help?
-Yep, we can all help.
863
00:39:52,022 --> 00:39:56,694
Let me get you a cup.
Damn it. Do it!
864
00:39:56,761 --> 00:39:58,062
-Not now.
-[beep]
865
00:39:58,129 --> 00:39:59,130
[cheers and applause]
866
00:39:59,230 --> 00:40:00,131
Do it again?
867
00:40:00,231 --> 00:40:01,899
[all speak at once]
868
00:40:05,603 --> 00:40:09,106
-[beep]
-[all shouting at once]
869
00:40:09,206 --> 00:40:13,144
-Yeah, flour.
-[speaks indistinctly]
870
00:40:13,244 --> 00:40:14,412
Ohh!
871
00:40:14,478 --> 00:40:16,080
Mommy, that was fast.
872
00:40:16,147 --> 00:40:20,284
[giggling]
873
00:40:22,920 --> 00:40:25,423
[cheers and applause]
874
00:40:25,489 --> 00:40:30,127
So now the question is,
did we ever win the 10 grand?
875
00:40:30,227 --> 00:40:33,497
No. But we did get featured
in the cold open of season 3,
876
00:40:33,597 --> 00:40:35,766
the very beginning,
and for that,
877
00:40:35,833 --> 00:40:38,235
we received
a $200 appearance fee.
878
00:40:38,302 --> 00:40:40,671
So if you add up all
the camera rentals, time spent,
879
00:40:40,771 --> 00:40:46,277
we made a net profit of -$652,
880
00:40:46,343 --> 00:40:50,514
and this is how the clip
actually aired on the show
881
00:40:50,614 --> 00:40:52,850
with Bob Saget's narration
over it.
882
00:40:52,950 --> 00:40:55,953
{\an8}Come see why we're making it.This is what we did.
883
00:40:56,020 --> 00:40:58,022
{\an8}SAGET: These kids cook just likemy grandmother used to--
884
00:40:58,122 --> 00:41:02,092
{\an8}a pinch of this, a bag of that,
885
00:41:02,159 --> 00:41:03,661
{\an8}♪♪♪
886
00:41:03,761 --> 00:41:06,030
-Now...
-[cheers and applause]
887
00:41:06,130 --> 00:41:08,032
I only showed you that again
888
00:41:08,132 --> 00:41:09,934
because that was a shit-ton
of takes
889
00:41:10,000 --> 00:41:13,337
to get a very dumb bit, right?
890
00:41:13,437 --> 00:41:14,972
It gets way worse.
891
00:41:15,039 --> 00:41:16,474
I don't think you understand
892
00:41:16,540 --> 00:41:19,109
how much she believed
in this idea.
893
00:41:19,176 --> 00:41:22,813
How the clip aired on the show--
she's wearing what color pants?
894
00:41:22,880 --> 00:41:25,115
-AUDIENCE MEMBER #1: White!
-AUDIENCE MEMBER #2: Blue!
895
00:41:25,182 --> 00:41:28,219
She's wearing blue pants
on the show,
896
00:41:28,319 --> 00:41:30,988
but in every take
I had shown you before then--
897
00:41:31,055 --> 00:41:32,389
Will you press "play"?
898
00:41:32,490 --> 00:41:34,358
Every take I showed you
before then,
899
00:41:34,458 --> 00:41:35,826
she's wearing white pants,
900
00:41:35,893 --> 00:41:38,629
meaning there's an entirely
different reshoot day
901
00:41:38,696 --> 00:41:41,732
I don't even have time
to show you tonight.
902
00:41:41,832 --> 00:41:43,534
That's how deep this goes.
903
00:41:43,634 --> 00:41:46,570
[cheers and applause]
904
00:41:50,908 --> 00:41:54,178
It's very tacky to say how much
you're being paid
905
00:41:54,245 --> 00:41:57,014
for your HBO Max special.
906
00:41:57,081 --> 00:42:00,384
What I will say is that
as of tonight,
907
00:42:00,484 --> 00:42:02,820
it took about--
well, over 20 years,
908
00:42:02,887 --> 00:42:07,424
but eventually, from this bit,
my mom made the 10 grand.
909
00:42:07,525 --> 00:42:10,494
[cheers and applause]
910
00:42:16,834 --> 00:42:18,869
A lot of people will watch
that video
911
00:42:18,936 --> 00:42:22,706
and they'll ask me
if I'm mad at my mom.
912
00:42:22,773 --> 00:42:23,941
No.
913
00:42:24,041 --> 00:42:26,777
The older I get,
the more I understand
914
00:42:26,877 --> 00:42:29,547
what she was going through.
915
00:42:29,613 --> 00:42:31,916
Now that I'm old enough
to have my own kids,
916
00:42:32,016 --> 00:42:35,019
and by that, I mean,
pregnancy scares...
917
00:42:35,085 --> 00:42:36,887
[laughter]
918
00:42:36,954 --> 00:42:38,923
I can--I can understand
what she's going through.
919
00:42:39,023 --> 00:42:41,458
Now understanding why someone
does a behavior
920
00:42:41,559 --> 00:42:44,061
is also not an excuse
for that behavior.
921
00:42:44,128 --> 00:42:46,864
There is--There is an ocean
between apathy and empathy,
922
00:42:46,931 --> 00:42:50,234
between approval
and just forgiveness.
923
00:42:50,301 --> 00:42:55,139
My mom displayed a lot
of crazy behavior growing up.
924
00:42:55,239 --> 00:42:59,543
That crazy behavior was a way
to combat the fear.
925
00:42:59,610 --> 00:43:01,946
Crazy beats scary.
926
00:43:02,046 --> 00:43:05,482
If your day-to-day problems
are the insane decisions
927
00:43:05,583 --> 00:43:06,984
that you yourself have created,
928
00:43:07,084 --> 00:43:09,920
then you feel like you have some
sort of agency over your life.
929
00:43:09,987 --> 00:43:13,924
I got myself into this.
I can get myself out.
930
00:43:13,991 --> 00:43:16,760
And then you don't have to focus
on the larger fear
931
00:43:16,827 --> 00:43:21,165
that you're a single parent,
and you're completely alone.
932
00:43:21,265 --> 00:43:24,468
And the older you get, the idea
of hustling and grinding
933
00:43:24,568 --> 00:43:28,439
starts fading into failure,
and you understand
934
00:43:28,505 --> 00:43:31,675
that the idea of upward mobility
in this country--it's a lie.
935
00:43:31,775 --> 00:43:33,744
It's a lie
because stories like mine
936
00:43:33,811 --> 00:43:35,279
get elevated in our culture--
937
00:43:35,346 --> 00:43:41,118
these stories of rags to riches,
from the dumpster to HBO Max.
938
00:43:41,185 --> 00:43:42,586
Because these stories--
they make us feel good.
939
00:43:42,653 --> 00:43:44,154
These make us feel good.
940
00:43:44,254 --> 00:43:46,523
They allow us to continue
to do nothing
941
00:43:46,624 --> 00:43:48,325
about the unfathomable amount
of poverty
942
00:43:48,425 --> 00:43:51,362
that is just beyond these walls.
943
00:43:51,462 --> 00:43:54,498
And my story is not the truth.
944
00:43:54,598 --> 00:43:56,367
The truth is that most people
are born poor,
945
00:43:56,467 --> 00:44:00,170
and they die even poorer.
946
00:44:00,270 --> 00:44:03,540
Sure, I worked my ass off to get
here in front of you tonight.
947
00:44:03,641 --> 00:44:06,610
But I also got very lucky.
948
00:44:06,677 --> 00:44:08,512
I got lucky that people
took a chance on me.
949
00:44:08,612 --> 00:44:11,715
I got lucky that you physically
came out tonight,
950
00:44:11,815 --> 00:44:14,184
and I don't say this
because I have any agenda
951
00:44:14,284 --> 00:44:15,486
or there's any actual steps.
952
00:44:15,552 --> 00:44:16,954
I am only saying
that I got lucky,
953
00:44:17,021 --> 00:44:21,025
because that is what I needed
to hear as a poor kid,
954
00:44:21,125 --> 00:44:22,793
when I was knee-deep
in a dumpster
955
00:44:22,860 --> 00:44:24,995
and head high in shame--
956
00:44:25,062 --> 00:44:26,997
"Some people get lucky."
957
00:44:27,064 --> 00:44:29,967
When I was at cheer camp,
and they did a lot worse
958
00:44:30,034 --> 00:44:32,803
than just say,
"Hey, you're a cheer queer"--
959
00:44:32,870 --> 00:44:36,340
"Some people just get lucky."
960
00:44:36,407 --> 00:44:40,310
Now imagine you're a single
parent, and you're not as lucky.
961
00:44:40,377 --> 00:44:41,712
You're in charge
of five human beings
962
00:44:41,812 --> 00:44:45,582
that are supposed to have
a better life than you.
963
00:44:45,683 --> 00:44:48,585
If that doesn't scare you,
I don't know what will.
964
00:44:48,686 --> 00:44:50,087
Crazy beats scary.
965
00:44:50,187 --> 00:44:55,059
The crazy behavior was a way
to combat fear.
966
00:44:55,159 --> 00:44:57,661
The first time I understood
that crazy beat scary
967
00:44:57,728 --> 00:45:00,197
was on the very literal level.
968
00:45:00,264 --> 00:45:02,566
I was 18.
I had my very first girlfriend,
969
00:45:02,666 --> 00:45:05,602
and Mandy was
way out of my league.
970
00:45:05,703 --> 00:45:08,505
Mandy was cool.
Mandy had these black bangs,
971
00:45:08,572 --> 00:45:10,240
thick black eyeliner.
972
00:45:10,340 --> 00:45:12,109
She basically looked like...
973
00:45:12,209 --> 00:45:14,778
[sighs] like if a person
just walked into a Hot Topic,
974
00:45:14,878 --> 00:45:17,848
looked around once,
and was like, "I'll take it."
975
00:45:17,915 --> 00:45:19,750
[laughter]
976
00:45:19,850 --> 00:45:22,352
I, on the other hand,
was 18, 85 pounds.
977
00:45:22,419 --> 00:45:24,521
I looked like I walked
into a Build-A-Bear
978
00:45:24,588 --> 00:45:26,690
so I could get a vest
in my size.
979
00:45:26,757 --> 00:45:28,692
[laughter]
980
00:45:28,759 --> 00:45:31,295
And the type of guys
that Mandy was used to dating
981
00:45:31,395 --> 00:45:34,264
were the type of guys
that people would just look at
982
00:45:34,364 --> 00:45:37,434
and be like, "Oh, man,
that guy looks dangerous."
983
00:45:37,534 --> 00:45:39,203
People would look at me,
like, they look at,
984
00:45:39,269 --> 00:45:42,106
like, you and I, will be like,
985
00:45:42,206 --> 00:45:44,708
"Oh, man.
That guy looks ticklish."
986
00:45:44,775 --> 00:45:46,810
[laughter]
987
00:45:46,910 --> 00:45:48,946
I was also a very sensitive
teenager. Very sensitive.
988
00:45:49,046 --> 00:45:50,948
Mandy was the strong one.
I was very sensitive.
989
00:45:51,048 --> 00:45:52,649
A couple months
before I met Mandy,
990
00:45:52,750 --> 00:45:55,285
I was going through
a really bad breakup.
991
00:45:55,385 --> 00:45:57,454
I was going out with this girl
for six months,
992
00:45:57,554 --> 00:45:59,556
and we both got to that point
in our relationship
993
00:45:59,623 --> 00:46:03,427
where we decided that she should
break up with me.
994
00:46:03,494 --> 00:46:05,796
[laughter]
995
00:46:05,896 --> 00:46:07,631
Very confusing time
for both of us,
996
00:46:07,731 --> 00:46:09,466
'cause she was like,
"What are you talking about?
997
00:46:09,566 --> 00:46:11,435
We were never actually
really together."
998
00:46:11,502 --> 00:46:14,304
-I'm like, classic us.
-[laughter]
999
00:46:14,404 --> 00:46:15,839
I was very chill
about the breakup.
1000
00:46:15,939 --> 00:46:19,510
I cried every single day
for 33 days.
1001
00:46:19,610 --> 00:46:22,279
I know that because I wrote that
in a journal,
1002
00:46:22,346 --> 00:46:24,581
and I sent it to her.
1003
00:46:24,648 --> 00:46:26,784
[laughter]
1004
00:46:26,850 --> 00:46:28,185
Emotionally abusive.
1005
00:46:28,285 --> 00:46:31,622
So I was doing a lot of crying,
you know.
1006
00:46:31,688 --> 00:46:35,292
My older brother--he caught me
crying in our shared room,
1007
00:46:35,359 --> 00:46:37,494
this breakup, and he goes,
verbatim, he goes...
1008
00:46:37,594 --> 00:46:40,330
[scoffs] "Wow.
1009
00:46:40,430 --> 00:46:43,500
Guess you're the world's
biggest little bitch."
1010
00:46:43,600 --> 00:46:45,202
I was like, "Uh, actually,
that's an oxymoron.
1011
00:46:45,302 --> 00:46:47,671
How can I be the world's biggest
and the world's li--"
1012
00:46:47,771 --> 00:46:49,206
Before I could finish "little,"
1013
00:46:49,306 --> 00:46:51,308
he had already punched me
in the neck.
1014
00:46:51,375 --> 00:46:53,477
[laughter]
1015
00:46:53,544 --> 00:46:55,512
So now anytime I wanted
to cry,
1016
00:46:55,612 --> 00:47:00,684
I would now have to drive
to my cry spot.
1017
00:47:00,784 --> 00:47:03,520
Uh, whoops!
That is as lame as it sounds.
1018
00:47:03,620 --> 00:47:05,322
[scoffs] A designated area
1019
00:47:05,389 --> 00:47:09,493
I would physically drive
my 2001 Mitsubishi Eclipse to
1020
00:47:09,560 --> 00:47:11,128
to just go and cry,
1021
00:47:11,195 --> 00:47:13,831
save up things that would happen
during that week.
1022
00:47:13,897 --> 00:47:16,834
[voice breaking]
Be like, not now.
1023
00:47:16,900 --> 00:47:19,069
Save it.
1024
00:47:19,169 --> 00:47:26,009
File. Save As. "Saddest Moment
of My Life-Final."
1025
00:47:26,076 --> 00:47:28,145
"File already exists named
1026
00:47:28,212 --> 00:47:29,847
'Saddest Moment
of My Life-Final.'
1027
00:47:29,913 --> 00:47:31,849
Do you want to replace?"
1028
00:47:31,915 --> 00:47:33,584
Yes.
1029
00:47:33,684 --> 00:47:35,519
[normal voice]
And then once a week,
1030
00:47:35,586 --> 00:47:37,187
drive out to
this half-abandoned cul-de-sac,
1031
00:47:37,254 --> 00:47:40,691
park my car,
and unload in this tantrum cry.
1032
00:47:40,757 --> 00:47:43,861
You ever been crying so hard,
you're, like, about to throw up?
1033
00:47:43,927 --> 00:47:45,529
Like, your vomit sees
your tears come out.
1034
00:47:45,596 --> 00:47:47,698
It's like, "Me, too."
1035
00:47:47,764 --> 00:47:49,333
I'm that level of like...
1036
00:47:49,399 --> 00:47:52,202
[moans and gags]
1037
00:47:52,269 --> 00:47:55,873
I see a cop car speed
by the main road.
1038
00:47:55,939 --> 00:47:58,609
The tires screech out,
and it peals back around.
1039
00:47:58,709 --> 00:48:00,911
I'm like, "Okay,
well, that's not for me."
1040
00:48:01,011 --> 00:48:06,183
I mean, shoo-bee-doo-wop,
what is adversity?
1041
00:48:06,250 --> 00:48:08,385
Before I know it, that cop car
1042
00:48:08,452 --> 00:48:11,555
is now nose to nose
with my car.
1043
00:48:11,622 --> 00:48:14,091
And the cop gets over
the loudspeaker,
1044
00:48:14,191 --> 00:48:16,026
and he goes... [sighs]
1045
00:48:16,093 --> 00:48:20,130
"All right, let's break it up,
lovebirds."
1046
00:48:20,230 --> 00:48:22,199
[gasps and laughter]
1047
00:48:22,266 --> 00:48:26,303
I look up. All of my windows
are fogged up
1048
00:48:26,403 --> 00:48:28,605
from my sadness.
1049
00:48:28,705 --> 00:48:31,208
When I cry, I'm a squirter.
1050
00:48:31,275 --> 00:48:33,243
[laughter]
1051
00:48:33,310 --> 00:48:36,213
But from his perspective,
it looks like
1052
00:48:36,280 --> 00:48:39,149
two human beings are in here,
like à la "Titanic,"
1053
00:48:39,249 --> 00:48:42,319
like doing sex on each other.
1054
00:48:42,419 --> 00:48:45,555
So now I have to step out
of the car
1055
00:48:45,622 --> 00:48:49,259
and deliver
the world's saddest sentence.
1056
00:48:49,326 --> 00:48:51,762
And he goes,
"Break it up, lovebirds."
1057
00:48:51,828 --> 00:48:53,497
I step out of the car,
still crying.
1058
00:48:53,597 --> 00:48:55,966
I'm like... [gulps]
1059
00:48:56,066 --> 00:49:00,137
[voice breaking] "No,
it's just one bird in here."
1060
00:49:00,237 --> 00:49:03,507
[laughter and applause]
1061
00:49:03,607 --> 00:49:09,079
There's just...one bird...
in here.
1062
00:49:09,146 --> 00:49:10,814
[laughter]
1063
00:49:10,914 --> 00:49:14,351
This very tough veteran cop,
like the kind of cop
1064
00:49:14,451 --> 00:49:15,852
who has seen
the worst of the worst
1065
00:49:15,953 --> 00:49:19,189
over the course of his career--
homicides, overdoses
1066
00:49:19,289 --> 00:49:21,024
and he's kind of tough
where it looks like
1067
00:49:21,124 --> 00:49:23,794
not only has he never
let himself have an emotion,
1068
00:49:23,860 --> 00:49:29,599
but it looks like he buys
his jeans at Costco.
1069
00:49:29,666 --> 00:49:31,368
He gets one look at me
crying in his light,
1070
00:49:31,468 --> 00:49:34,972
and he goes... [gasps]
"Oh, God. Sorry."
1071
00:49:35,038 --> 00:49:37,474
[laughter]
1072
00:49:37,541 --> 00:49:39,509
He turns away.
1073
00:49:39,609 --> 00:49:43,680
Do you know how
profoundly lame/white
1074
00:49:43,780 --> 00:49:48,285
you have to look for a cop
to ignore all of his training
1075
00:49:48,352 --> 00:49:50,887
and turn his back to the perp
to be like,
1076
00:49:50,988 --> 00:49:53,390
"I don't even care
if you have a gun.
1077
00:49:53,490 --> 00:49:57,227
Jesus Christ.
Just end it for us both"?
1078
00:49:57,327 --> 00:49:59,062
[applause]
1079
00:49:59,162 --> 00:50:00,530
Without saying another word,
1080
00:50:00,630 --> 00:50:02,866
he gets back into his car,
and he speeds off, shook,
1081
00:50:02,966 --> 00:50:05,235
like, visibly shook.
1082
00:50:05,335 --> 00:50:07,070
I would like to think
that later that night,
1083
00:50:07,170 --> 00:50:10,674
that cop--he's at a diner with
all of his veteran cop buddies,
1084
00:50:10,741 --> 00:50:13,243
exchanging
different horror stories.
1085
00:50:13,343 --> 00:50:16,680
One cop is like,
"I'll never forget 2003.
1086
00:50:16,747 --> 00:50:20,417
18-car pileup,
body parts everywhere."
1087
00:50:20,517 --> 00:50:22,419
And they finally get
to my cop.
1088
00:50:24,021 --> 00:50:26,189
"John, you all right?
1089
00:50:26,256 --> 00:50:28,425
You haven't said a word
all night."
1090
00:50:28,525 --> 00:50:31,061
And my cop is just
in the corner.
1091
00:50:31,161 --> 00:50:35,399
He's in the corner trembling,
smoking an unlit cigarette.
1092
00:50:35,499 --> 00:50:37,501
[laughter]
1093
00:50:37,567 --> 00:50:39,236
He looks up at them and goes,
1094
00:50:39,336 --> 00:50:42,739
"I didn't think
it was possible,
1095
00:50:42,839 --> 00:50:47,778
but tonight I met the world's
biggest little bitch."
1096
00:50:47,878 --> 00:50:50,247
[laughter and applause]
1097
00:50:50,347 --> 00:50:53,550
And then the last cop--
the last cop, he goes,
1098
00:50:53,617 --> 00:50:56,053
"Oh, you think that's bad?
I'll never forget 1999.
1099
00:50:56,119 --> 00:50:57,220
Before I joined the force,
1100
00:50:57,287 --> 00:51:00,791
I was a security guard
at a pool,
1101
00:51:00,891 --> 00:51:02,192
and a violent supervirus
swept over."
1102
00:51:02,259 --> 00:51:05,228
[cheers and applause]
1103
00:51:09,232 --> 00:51:12,969
[cheers and applause continue]
1104
00:51:13,070 --> 00:51:15,272
Mandy and I did have
a lot in common.
1105
00:51:15,372 --> 00:51:19,109
We both had very strict,
religious parents.
1106
00:51:19,209 --> 00:51:22,279
Like, Mandy's mom is the kind
of religious where as we speak,
1107
00:51:22,379 --> 00:51:26,383
her bedroom walls are covered
in the most gruesome photos
1108
00:51:26,450 --> 00:51:28,485
of Jesus being crucified.
1109
00:51:28,585 --> 00:51:31,488
Just like--or--or paintings.
Sorry.
1110
00:51:31,588 --> 00:51:35,492
Uh, right, not pho--
That would be insane.
1111
00:51:35,592 --> 00:51:37,427
There's like a watermark.
It's like, 2008?
1112
00:51:37,494 --> 00:51:38,662
What the fuck?
1113
00:51:38,762 --> 00:51:41,064
[laughter]
1114
00:51:41,131 --> 00:51:43,266
Paintings, renderings,
1115
00:51:43,333 --> 00:51:45,402
and, like, shit that's so raw,
like Mel Gibson
1116
00:51:45,469 --> 00:51:48,638
would be like, "Yikes.
That looks anti-Semitic."
1117
00:51:48,738 --> 00:51:52,943
And here's what gets me.
They're not even in frames.
1118
00:51:53,009 --> 00:51:55,312
These photos are just
hastily pasted
1119
00:51:55,412 --> 00:51:57,347
up and down her walls,
1120
00:51:57,447 --> 00:52:01,151
almost like she's trying
to solve Jesus' murder.
1121
00:52:01,251 --> 00:52:02,652
"Everyone thinks it's
1122
00:52:02,752 --> 00:52:03,854
Pontius Pilate and Judas,
right?
1123
00:52:03,954 --> 00:52:05,455
Everyone thinks it's
Pontius Pilate and Judas,
1124
00:52:05,522 --> 00:52:08,291
but no one--no one's talking
about John the Baptist!"
1125
00:52:08,358 --> 00:52:09,960
[laughter]
1126
00:52:10,026 --> 00:52:12,129
"Why was he in Sedona?
1127
00:52:12,195 --> 00:52:14,197
Sedona, Arizona."
1128
00:52:14,297 --> 00:52:17,334
[laughter]
1129
00:52:17,434 --> 00:52:19,669
So the only place that we could
ever hook up
1130
00:52:19,769 --> 00:52:22,038
was the back seat of my car.
1131
00:52:22,139 --> 00:52:24,941
Uh, I don't know if you've ever
had car sex. It's not great.
1132
00:52:25,008 --> 00:52:26,643
Also, you're 18.
1133
00:52:26,710 --> 00:52:28,378
We remember that time
with rose-colored glasses,
1134
00:52:28,478 --> 00:52:29,679
like...eh!
1135
00:52:29,779 --> 00:52:31,381
It's the worst sex
you're having of your life.
1136
00:52:31,481 --> 00:52:33,483
[laughter]
1137
00:52:33,550 --> 00:52:35,452
This is why I've never
understood
1138
00:52:35,519 --> 00:52:38,722
the male fantasy of wanting
to hook up with a virgin.
1139
00:52:38,822 --> 00:52:40,690
I mean it. I don't get it.
1140
00:52:40,790 --> 00:52:44,027
Like, why is that good?
There'll be those guys
1141
00:52:44,127 --> 00:52:45,662
that'll come to me, and they
feel very comfortable saying,
1142
00:52:45,729 --> 00:52:48,698
"I hooked up with this chick.
Virgin."
1143
00:52:48,798 --> 00:52:51,334
Gross.
1144
00:52:51,401 --> 00:52:53,336
Why is that good?
1145
00:52:53,403 --> 00:52:56,907
Sex has to be the only time
where inexperience is desired.
1146
00:52:57,007 --> 00:52:59,809
I couldn't convince you guys
to go to a concert tonight
1147
00:52:59,876 --> 00:53:01,344
and be like, "Oh, my God.
1148
00:53:01,411 --> 00:53:03,246
You have to go
to the Hollywood Bowl.
1149
00:53:03,346 --> 00:53:07,817
There's this girl. She has...
never played guitar before."
1150
00:53:07,884 --> 00:53:09,553
[laughter]
1151
00:53:09,653 --> 00:53:14,357
"She's gonna learn as she goes."
Like, that sounds awful.
1152
00:53:14,424 --> 00:53:17,093
Will she at least
be enjoying herself?
1153
00:53:17,194 --> 00:53:19,930
"No, she's actually gonna be
in a lot of pain."
1154
00:53:20,030 --> 00:53:21,932
[laughter]
1155
00:53:22,032 --> 00:53:23,733
People actually show up to this?
1156
00:53:23,833 --> 00:53:27,270
"Actually,
most guys will come early."
1157
00:53:27,370 --> 00:53:28,872
[laughter]
1158
00:53:28,939 --> 00:53:32,275
[cheers and applause]
1159
00:53:32,375 --> 00:53:33,944
I don't mean to put it on her.
1160
00:53:34,044 --> 00:53:37,914
I was the worst person that you
could lose your virginity to.
1161
00:53:38,014 --> 00:53:41,785
I'd stolen my older sister's
"Cosmopolitan" magazine.
1162
00:53:41,885 --> 00:53:44,254
"Seven tips to drive
your partner wild."
1163
00:53:44,354 --> 00:53:46,957
Boom, these are going
in the arsenal.
1164
00:53:47,057 --> 00:53:50,927
To drive your partner wild,
you are su--
1165
00:53:51,027 --> 00:53:52,262
This was what they published.
To drive your partner wild,
1166
00:53:52,362 --> 00:53:56,800
you are supposed to kiss
around their jawline
1167
00:53:56,900 --> 00:53:59,970
as you softly hum.
1168
00:54:00,070 --> 00:54:02,239
[laughter]
1169
00:54:02,305 --> 00:54:03,974
So...
1170
00:54:04,074 --> 00:54:07,744
[laughter continues]
1171
00:54:07,811 --> 00:54:10,480
♪ Hmm-mm ♪
1172
00:54:10,580 --> 00:54:12,582
[smooches]
1173
00:54:12,649 --> 00:54:14,818
♪ Mmm-mm ♪
1174
00:54:14,918 --> 00:54:18,788
I did this to a real human woman
1175
00:54:18,888 --> 00:54:22,325
that I had no intention
of murdering.
1176
00:54:22,425 --> 00:54:24,928
[laughter]
1177
00:54:24,995 --> 00:54:26,930
And we would never park the car
in places like Make-out Point
1178
00:54:26,997 --> 00:54:29,833
in the fear that our parents
would catch us. Too obvious.
1179
00:54:29,933 --> 00:54:31,668
We'd always go way out
to a desolate road
1180
00:54:31,768 --> 00:54:33,436
or an abandoned parking lot.
1181
00:54:33,503 --> 00:54:35,939
It's a longwinded way
to basically say
1182
00:54:36,006 --> 00:54:39,075
I would take Mandy
to my former cry spots.
1183
00:54:39,142 --> 00:54:40,810
[laughter]
1184
00:54:40,910 --> 00:54:42,345
Yeah. She was like,
"How'd you find this place?"
1185
00:54:42,445 --> 00:54:44,247
I'd be like,
"No more questions."
1186
00:54:44,314 --> 00:54:47,150
[laughter]
1187
00:54:47,250 --> 00:54:49,019
I had learned
from my crying experience that
1188
00:54:49,119 --> 00:54:50,453
that these types of locations--
1189
00:54:50,520 --> 00:54:52,289
they draw a lot of attention
from the cops.
1190
00:54:52,355 --> 00:54:54,924
If they see a car parked
in the middle of nowhere,
1191
00:54:54,991 --> 00:54:57,193
they're gonna investigate.
They're gonna break us up.
1192
00:54:57,294 --> 00:54:58,862
So it was like, okay, I'm gonna
do something so the cops
1193
00:54:58,962 --> 00:55:01,831
don't break us up.
1194
00:55:01,931 --> 00:55:03,867
I invented this very real thing
1195
00:55:03,967 --> 00:55:06,603
that Mandy affectionately named
"junk blanket."
1196
00:55:06,670 --> 00:55:08,638
[sighs] Stay with me.
1197
00:55:08,705 --> 00:55:10,707
I have a replica.
Let me show you.
1198
00:55:10,807 --> 00:55:13,209
So...what junk blanket was...
1199
00:55:13,310 --> 00:55:17,547
[sighs]
was an unzipped sleeping bag
1200
00:55:17,647 --> 00:55:21,318
that I had personally hand-sewn,
1201
00:55:21,384 --> 00:55:24,354
mostly duct-taped a bunch of
old clothes to the outside of.
1202
00:55:24,454 --> 00:55:27,223
This way, when the cops
would pull up on our car
1203
00:55:27,324 --> 00:55:29,225
and shine the light
through the window,
1204
00:55:29,326 --> 00:55:31,294
I could just pull
the junk blanket
1205
00:55:31,361 --> 00:55:32,462
over Mandy and myself,
1206
00:55:32,529 --> 00:55:34,497
cop would look
through the window
1207
00:55:34,564 --> 00:55:40,070
and think, "Oh, there's just
a pile of junk back there...
1208
00:55:40,170 --> 00:55:41,805
that happens to be steaming.
1209
00:55:41,871 --> 00:55:44,908
On with my patrol."
1210
00:55:45,008 --> 00:55:49,079
So one night, Mandy and I
1211
00:55:49,179 --> 00:55:51,915
were out in
our favorite desolate road.
1212
00:55:52,015 --> 00:55:55,018
There's not a car in a mile
in each direction.
1213
00:55:55,085 --> 00:55:58,588
There's no streetlights,
just the stars.
1214
00:55:58,688 --> 00:56:00,990
And we're in the back seat,
1215
00:56:01,057 --> 00:56:02,859
having the worst sex
of our lives.
1216
00:56:02,926 --> 00:56:05,395
[laughter]
1217
00:56:05,495 --> 00:56:08,932
♪ Mmm-mm ♪
1218
00:56:09,032 --> 00:56:11,234
Halfway through,
1219
00:56:11,334 --> 00:56:13,269
30 seconds in...
1220
00:56:13,370 --> 00:56:15,605
[laughter]
1221
00:56:15,705 --> 00:56:18,608
[cheers and applause]
1222
00:56:18,708 --> 00:56:21,611
...this car pulls up
right behind us.
1223
00:56:21,711 --> 00:56:25,048
Just the headlights are shining
through the back window.
1224
00:56:25,115 --> 00:56:27,117
I'm like, "Oh, shit.
That's the cops."
1225
00:56:27,217 --> 00:56:28,952
I pulled junk blanket
from the hatchback of my car
1226
00:56:29,052 --> 00:56:31,087
over Mandy and myself.
1227
00:56:31,187 --> 00:56:33,623
As the cops get out,
they're talking to each other,
1228
00:56:33,723 --> 00:56:35,892
and it starts to sound
a lot less like cops
1229
00:56:35,959 --> 00:56:37,594
and a lot more just like
four sketchy guys
1230
00:56:37,694 --> 00:56:41,064
that mean to do us
or this car some kind of harm.
1231
00:56:41,131 --> 00:56:43,767
I completely freeze
in this situation.
1232
00:56:43,867 --> 00:56:45,935
This is not gonna go well
for me,
1233
00:56:46,035 --> 00:56:47,537
unless there's some
sort of tickle-off,
1234
00:56:47,604 --> 00:56:49,472
I'm not gonna win this fight.
1235
00:56:49,572 --> 00:56:53,877
The only saving grace is that
we're safe inside the car.
1236
00:56:53,943 --> 00:56:55,311
They tried to open
the driver's side door.
1237
00:56:55,412 --> 00:56:58,081
It's locked.
My heart begins to race.
1238
00:56:58,148 --> 00:56:59,783
Mandy's eyes begin to well
with tears,
1239
00:56:59,883 --> 00:57:02,252
makes all
that black mascara run.
1240
00:57:02,318 --> 00:57:04,320
And then it's completely silent
1241
00:57:04,421 --> 00:57:09,826
except for the sound of metal
scraping on concrete.
1242
00:57:09,926 --> 00:57:12,562
I peek my head
over junk blanket,
1243
00:57:12,629 --> 00:57:15,265
and just over my head, boom,
a metal shovel
1244
00:57:15,331 --> 00:57:17,133
comes through
the driver's side window,
1245
00:57:17,233 --> 00:57:18,835
spraying glass everywhere.
1246
00:57:18,935 --> 00:57:21,838
We are no longer safe.
They are inside the car.
1247
00:57:21,938 --> 00:57:24,607
And it quickly dawns on me
that they have no idea
1248
00:57:24,674 --> 00:57:26,075
that we're inside the car.
1249
00:57:26,142 --> 00:57:27,644
They thought the car
was abandoned.
1250
00:57:27,744 --> 00:57:30,280
They were gonna steal the radio,
whatever valuables were inside.
1251
00:57:30,346 --> 00:57:33,650
Junk blanket has worked
too well.
1252
00:57:33,750 --> 00:57:35,151
So now we need to do something.
1253
00:57:35,251 --> 00:57:38,188
We need to do something
just to make our presence known,
1254
00:57:38,288 --> 00:57:40,123
like, hey,
human beings are in here,
1255
00:57:40,190 --> 00:57:41,691
and Mandy is just
looking at me like,
1256
00:57:41,791 --> 00:57:43,193
"Aren't you gonna do something?"
1257
00:57:43,293 --> 00:57:46,129
And I'm looking at Mandy.
"Aren't you gonna do something?"
1258
00:57:46,196 --> 00:57:50,033
So I am trying to say
to these guys,
1259
00:57:50,133 --> 00:57:51,201
"What do you want from us?!"
1260
00:57:51,301 --> 00:57:54,170
[laughter]
1261
00:57:54,270 --> 00:57:57,874
But...I am so scared,
1262
00:57:57,974 --> 00:58:00,310
the only thing that
can come out of my body
1263
00:58:00,376 --> 00:58:03,046
is this mixture of, like,
half breath,
1264
00:58:03,146 --> 00:58:05,348
half just a fear sound.
1265
00:58:05,448 --> 00:58:07,884
So now it's this barely audible,
just...
1266
00:58:07,984 --> 00:58:10,987
[breathily] "What do you want?
1267
00:58:11,054 --> 00:58:12,489
[mumbling]
What do you want from us?
1268
00:58:12,555 --> 00:58:13,990
[grunts]
1269
00:58:14,057 --> 00:58:15,492
[mumbling]
What do you want from us?"
1270
00:58:15,558 --> 00:58:17,694
And it's so frustrating.
It feels like a bad dream,
1271
00:58:17,794 --> 00:58:20,864
like your mouth is moving,
but no sound is coming out.
1272
00:58:20,964 --> 00:58:22,699
I need to do something
at this point
1273
00:58:22,799 --> 00:58:26,369
just to make some kind of sound,
and I think back to cheer camp.
1274
00:58:26,469 --> 00:58:28,238
[laughter]
1275
00:58:28,338 --> 00:58:30,473
[chanting weakly]
"Make noise, make noise."
1276
00:58:30,540 --> 00:58:32,909
And before I know it,
I am outside the vehicle,
1277
00:58:33,009 --> 00:58:35,678
and I get to look at one
of these guys in the face
1278
00:58:35,745 --> 00:58:40,884
for the first time, and they
look more scared than I do.
1279
00:58:40,984 --> 00:58:42,719
I realize now
what they are seeing.
1280
00:58:42,819 --> 00:58:47,857
My face is now covered in
Mandy's running black mascara.
1281
00:58:47,924 --> 00:58:50,760
I am butt-naked,
except for a baggy green condom,
1282
00:58:50,860 --> 00:58:54,998
clapping at these guys
on a desolate road, going,
1283
00:58:55,064 --> 00:58:57,867
[muttering]
"What do you want from us?!
1284
00:58:57,934 --> 00:59:00,236
What do you want from us?!
What do you want from us?!
1285
00:59:00,336 --> 00:59:01,371
What do you want from us?!
1286
00:59:01,437 --> 00:59:04,107
What the fuck
do you want from us?!"
1287
00:59:04,207 --> 00:59:05,575
[cheers and applause]
1288
00:59:05,675 --> 00:59:10,079
They are so freaked out.
They are so freaked out.
1289
00:59:10,179 --> 00:59:12,582
They get back in their car,
and they speed off,
1290
00:59:12,682 --> 00:59:15,785
because crazy beats scary!
1291
00:59:15,885 --> 00:59:19,122
[loud cheers and applause]
1292
00:59:19,222 --> 00:59:21,257
Thank you so much!
1293
00:59:21,357 --> 00:59:23,459
This is fantastic.
1294
00:59:23,560 --> 00:59:27,897
[cheers and applause continue]
1295
00:59:27,964 --> 00:59:31,601
♪♪♪
1296
00:59:31,701 --> 00:59:33,636
Part two.
1297
00:59:33,736 --> 00:59:36,306
The reason that
we were so poor growing up
1298
00:59:36,406 --> 00:59:40,743
is my parents were members
of an unsuccessful cult.
1299
00:59:40,810 --> 00:59:44,147
[laughter]
1300
00:59:44,247 --> 00:59:47,216
♪♪♪
183836
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