Original subtitles

Previously on "Resident Alien"...

Open up. It's me.

When we went to that charity thing in New York,

they said that the money was for the clinic.

Okay, you need to calm down.

Calm down? I can't calm down.

They're threatening our families.

- Um... - Sorry.

- It's okay. I gotta go. - Right. Got it.

- It's receiving a signal.

What does it say?

It's a phone number.

Pack your bags. We're going to New York.

Too many people.

The last island that had this many humans on it

was Atlantis, and that did not turn out well.

Hey, I would like two slices of pepperoni.

Anything else?

Does an alien live here?

This is the number you got.

Something has to be here.

It says "Goliath."

I am marking every one

of Goliath's murals in the city.

That is where we will find Goliath.

What can I get you?

What do you got?

Someone here must be Goliath.

Does anyone look alien to you?

Everything you need to know about Goliath is on the canvas.

Goliath believes acid helps you shed your human chains.

I would like to shed my human chains.

How long have you known Harry's an alien?

♪

This is some bullshit.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

When I first came to Earth,

I thought I would be watching the death--

The colors are exploding everywhere!

Ooh!

Watching the death

of all these humans from my ship

after I dropped my device.

Things have changed.

♪

What makes you think Harry's an alien?

Come with me.

You're nervous. I understand. But don't be.

I know who Harry is, and I know why you're here.

How? How do you know that?

I recognize his energy.

Goliath grew to love it here, but it was never natural.

He lived with a lot of inner turmoil.

You can see it in his art.

Wait, you said "lived"?

What--please tell me that Goliath is here.

Goliath is here.

Okay.

What is this?

This is Goliath.

I don't understand.

After Goliath came to Earth,

we became each other's whole world.

But his great wish

was to connect with one of his people again.

The signal that brought you here was a personal invitation.

♪

Goliath held out for as long as he could.

But six months ago, he--

well, you can see for yourself.

Their species fossilize when they die.

No, this can't be.

Goliath cannot be dead.

We came all this way,

and you don't understand what's at stake!

I'm sorry. This is all there is.

If you came here to speak with Goliath,

that's not going to happen.

Oh, God.

♪

Oh, my God. What happened?

You are alien.

Well, I took some LSD on my tongue.

And now I'm surrounded by horrible creatures.

I just saw an alien

take off its head,

and there was a human inside!

Do I have a human inside of me?

How many licks does it take

to get to the human?

New York City Public Library.

Okay, I know where you are. Don't go anywhere.

I will be right there.

♪

♪

Feeling better?

Yes.

The ice is stabilizing my human form.

I saw so many humans today.

Humans are gross.

But...they have each other.

Like those two-- - Harry.

This is their home.

I want to meet someone like me

so maybe...

I can feel like I am home.

♪

Yeah, about that.

I spoke to Violinda at the party.

She knows Goliath.

Or did know him.

♪

He's dead, Harry.

♪

Goliath was dead as soon as he became more human than me.

♪

♪

Hmm.

♪

♪

- Hey. - Hi.

- You're home early. - Yeah.

Ah. How are you?

How was your mom?

Well, turns out, by "quality time,"

she meant 24-7 tech support.

- Mm. - So...

What have you been up to? - Nothin'.

Yeah, doin' nothin'.

Just alone. Alone vibes.

You know, vibin' it.

- Nice. - Mm-hmm.

Okay. Let me take this upstairs.

Nope! Ah, wouldn't hear of it.

I'll take this up later.

Okay. Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, would you grab Max's bag? He went to Sahar's.

Yeah.

♪

Huh.

That's weird.

Yeah, weird. How did--how did that happen?

- Hmm. - Hmm.

Oh, wow.

You put that up.

Wasn't it in the closet?

- You hate it. - No, I don't.

A lot of people have that in their homes.

Okay, I'll take it down.

No. If you wanna keep it up, you should keep it up.

- Do you want me to keep it up? - I want what you want.

I want what you want. You know, if you want.

Did you move the coffee table?

Yeah, I'll just take it down.

Morning.

Hey, Liv.

Oh, I was thinking of starting a donation jar

for the coffeepots.

You know, you shouldn't have to pay for those yourself.

Thank you.

I really appreciate that.

Why--why are you putting that sign in here?

Well, I thought you might like it.

You know, bring just a real artistic statement

into the office.

What do you-- what do you think?

Do I have to say I like it for you to do the donation jar?

I...

love it.

Great! It stays up.

I'll--I'll get a jar. - Okay.

Hey, can I show you something real quick?

Yeah, you bet.

I think I'm going to post this video.

"Incredible UFO in Patience."

No, you can't post that.

You know, people already think Patience

is a murder town.

You want them to think it's an alien town too?

But if this is real,

don't I owe it to the world to share this?

Yeah, as long as you change the headline

to "Incredible UFO Near Jessup."

Backspace. - Hey.

Oh.

Jab me in the arm.

Seems like a lawsuit.

Oh, is it?

Oh, look at this.

Am I jabbing myself? I can't feel anything.

You know why? 'Cause I cut myself

this morning on the fence and needed stitches,

and Dr. Smallwood put my whole damn arm to sleep.

How am I supposed to work with a dead tree-trunk arm, huh?

Oh, let me see. Let's see how.

Let me just grab a pen.

Oh, look at that.

Deputy, looks like you gonna have to write

my police reports today.

I already do that, sir.

Well, good.

Then we're prepared.

Look, I'm sure that it's a simple mistake.

I mean, Dr. Smallwood is an institution.

She literally delivered me as a baby.

Didn't she literally deliver your parents too?

Yeah, I don't think that's relevant.

Look, you need to fire her ass

before a bunch of elves

move into my tree-trunk arm here

and start making cookies.

One mistake should not ruin a woman's life.

It's more than one mistake!

I saw her for a sore throat,

and she diagnosed me with hysteria.

I think that you're both blowing this out of proportion.

You know, I'm getting the results today

for my yearly checkup,

and I am sure that she will be as spry as ever.

You know, last time I saw her, she did a cartwheel.

No, she didn't.

But I bet she could.

Seen enough?

I really don't wanna miss the flight.

I wanted to see this one Goliath mural before we left.

I did not think I would miss my octopus friend,

because I thought I was meeting alien family.

But now they're both dead.

I feel very alone.

I'm sorry you didn't get to see family on this trip.

No Goliath...

no idea how we're gonna save the world.

What are we gonna do now? - I do not know.

Goliath was our last chance

to contact my planet

and my last chance to meet one of my people on Earth.

Now I will die without having a conversation

in my beautiful language.

I will be forced to talk to myself.

I'd tell you to keep it down, but we're in New York.

Weird is normal here, so...

Do you think Goliath had an octopus friend too?

Maybe.

I don't know how his mind worked, though.

Maybe this painting is just random.

It is not random.

Everything my people do has purpose.

Okay, well, it's really confusing,

'cause it feels like he brought us here for no reason.

Not confusing. Impossible.

Goliath knew of me,

knew that I was stranded.

However human he had become,

he would never have brought me here without a reason.

Are you sure Goliath did not leave anything for me?

Violinda didn't mention anything.

Do you think she is hiding something?

I don't know.

I mean, she seemed like she was genuinely grieving.

She was really sad when she showed me his body.

You saw Goliath's dead body?

Yeah.

You could've told me that your people

turned to stone when they died

or that they die standing up, for that matter.

He was standing up?

Goliath was standing?

Yes, his dead body was.

- What?

I have--we have to go.

Harry!

♪ Come on, come on, come on, come on ♪

♪

♪ Come on, come on, come on, come on ♪

♪

♪ Come on, come on, come on, come on ♪

♪

♪ Come on, come on, come on, come on ♪

♪ When we pretend that we're dead ♪

♪ Pretend we're dead

♪ When we pretend that we're dead ♪

♪ Pretend we're dead

♪ They can't hear a word we've said ♪

♪ Pretend we're dead

♪ When we pretend that we're dead ♪

♪ Come on, come on, come on, come on ♪

♪ Dead

♪ Pretend we're dead

♪ Dead

♪ Come on, come on, come on, come on ♪

♪ Dead

♪ Pretend we're dead

♪ Dead

♪ Come on, come on, come on, come on ♪

♪ We're dead

She murdered her husband,

and now she's profiting from his stuff.

This here is a murder sale.

That's what you called us out here for?

- Uh-huh. - Look.

Mrs. Hodges is currently awaiting trial

on the crime that she is accused of.

She has every legal right to have a yard sale,

which is more than I can say about you and that shirt.

Now, why don't you take your ass home

before a flock of flamingos come lookin' for they daddy?

Thank you, Sheriff.

I'm just an impartial administrator of the law.

Well, I'm probably gonna box all this up anyway.

Apparently, nobody wants to buy antique spoons from a murderer,

so I'll probably just take it all to Goodwill.

Hold on a minute.

Look at this. Hey, Deputy.

Look at this.

Who do I look like?

A hipster poet?

No. Dick Tracy, damn it.

Greatest detective in history.

Invented the watch phone.

Never saw a dime of the profits, though.

Because he was a cartoon character?

How much you want for this?

I don't know. 20 bucks?

- Sold. - It's a good deal.

It was Sam's. He only wore it once.

We were flying to Montana,

and he left his old hat on the plane,

so he got that one at the airport.

He looked really cute in it.

♪

Listen, Sheriff, I'm sorry.

I've changed my mind. I can't sell it.

♪

Okay. It's no problem.

♪

♪

Let's see what else we got around here.

I remember these.

Sam loved these mystery novels.

Always trying to get me to read one.

Told me it would help me solve crimes.

All right, tell you what. I'll give you...

50 bucks for the whole lot of them.

Oh, no, no. Sheriff, that's too much.

Listen, if Sam wanted you to have them,

then you don't pay.

Just consider it a gift from Sam to you.

Thank you, Mrs. Hodges. That's very kind.

Yeah, all right.

Deputy? - Mm. Mm-hmm.

♪

She seem like a woman who killed her husband to you?

No, sir, she doesn't.

No, that's grief right there. Plain and simple.

I mean, a woman who kills her husband

don't hang on to no old hat just to remember him by.

♪

And Bloom goes down.

D'arcy, you had a bad fall.

They said I could've lost my leg

or even died.

♪

♪

♪

Oh, you're going that way?

That's weird.

Hey.

I didn't know you worked out here.

Yeah, I-- I took a recovery day.

For about 15 years.

Glad to have you back.

Oh, you're at a six?

That's cute. I'm at a seven.

You need glasses.

That's an eight.

Sure you can handle that?

Aren't you a little out of practice?

I have an advantage.

Stopped being able to feel my legs after I did squats.

♪

♪ Oh

♪ Hey

♪ My evil ways - One more.

You got it.

That is gonna hurt tomorrow.

Yeah, but it's a good hurt.

My coach always says it's gotta hurt to work.

- College? - Yeah.

I ran the 1,500 and 5,000 at CU.

Got second in the NCAA finals my senior year.

Legit.

Hoo.

Oh, you okay?

Yeah, yeah. Think I overdid it.

Just need some water. - Yeah, I get it.

I almost blew chunks all over poor Mr. Gibbons

on the elliptical.

All right, I'm done.

Let's head over to The 59.

Got some protein shakes.

- You do? - Yeah.

Well, beers.

It's got half a gram of protein in it.

I mean, it's better than that garbage you're drinking anyway.

What is that?

- It's water. - Ugh.

Water.

I need to see Goliath.

Please stop.

I told you he passed on.

I wish you would respect my privacy.

I tried. But I can't stop him.

Where is Goliath?

You need to leave.

Harry, we have to leave.

She wants us to go.

Asta.

This way.

No. No, you can't be here!

♪

♪

No! No!

♪

What the hell is that?

It's our baby.

♪

You need to leave.

I'm not letting you take my child.

I could just rip your arms off.

Stop it. What do you mean, that's your baby?

Goliath used my genetic tissue to get pregnant.

Goliath contacted me. This is why.

Hello? Anyone here?

I'll take care of it.

Sorry, the door was open.

Are you Violinda Darvell?

Yes.

We're not open quite yet.

You'll have to leave.

I'm a little desperate.

I'm interested in buying some art,

and I was told you might be able to help.

An artist named Goliath?

Unfortunately, I'm busy right now.

Are you sure you can't spare a few minutes?

You're a freakin' Picasso!

Did you draw this picture?

Yeah, I draw police composites of criminals.

Oh, shit.

Here you go. On the house.

Oh, thank you. That's very generous.

Mm.

This tastes like soap.

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

It's a local brewery,

which means it's just a guy that makes beer in his bathtub.

I'll get you a different kind--

No, no. That's not it.

Oh, no.

What?

The last time that this happened,

I was in my first trimester with Max.

Plus the dizziness at the gym...

You think you're pregnant?

I think so.

I mean, congratulations.

We gotta get some champagne.

I can't drink if I'm pregnant.

I know.

What's wrong?

I just don't know how I feel about having another kid.

Oh, right.

'Cause of Max. - What do you mean?

I didn't--what do you mean? What do you mean?

Having another kid means my entire life

gets put on hold for the next 18 years.

I have to reset the clock.

Of course, Ben would be thrilled.

I mean, he would.

Are you sure he would?

Why? Did he say something to you?

Why would he say anything to me?

It's not like we sit around having conversations

about you guys having kids, right?

Yeah.

Maybe he changed his mind.

You know, I change my mind all the time.

Like, earlier, I was sure I was gonna have only one beer,

and now I'm thinking I might have six.

Trust me.

I know my husband.

He wants more kids.

He'd start a family band if he could.

Yeah, that's--he's--

you know, you know your husband.

Ah, right on time, as always. Punctual.

You're a great doctor. - Thank you.

Unfortunately, I have some bad news for you.

What's that?

Your blood tests indicate cancer in your colon.

It's very aggressive.

Ah.

That's Mrs. Patel's chart.

- Whoops. - This is Ben Hawthorne's.

Wait.

So I don't have cancer?

No.

Low in vitamin D.

Get some sun.

Have a good day.

Don't tell Mrs. Patel if you see her.

Yikes.

Sorry, hang on.

Dr. Smallwood, you basically just told me that I was dying.

I had the wrong chart.

It happens. - Should it?

No.

Could you give us some privacy?

Also no.

Okay, well...

Dr. Smallwood, I am sorry to have to do this.

I mean, you will always be a pillar of this community.

But I am going to have to...

Ask you if you have ever considered

taking an extended vacation.

You know, maybe buy a van? See the world?

- He's trying to fire you. - Mm.

You're not the doctor you used to be,

and if you keep working here,

you might kill someone.

Is this true?

It's not not true.

You're a sweet boy for not wanting to tell me that.

You're not sweet at all.

It even looked like you enjoyed it.

I didn't not enjoy it.

And now we officially have no doctor.

I pulled out our hiring files when I realized

Smallwood was about to tell you you were dying.

Seems like you had time to stop her, but okay.

Dr. Vanderspeigle is our only real candidate.

Good doctor but not much to look at.

He's a Patience six, which is a Denver four,

which is a California one.

Not sure if any of that's legal to say.

He has a birthday coming up.

You know, maybe I could convince him.

Sneaky. Buy him a present.

Soften him up.

You've just moved up to a Patience three.

Thanks.

Goliath pieces are very rare.

You could try the curator at the Guggenheim.

I certainly can't help you.

I could just kill her.

No. No more killing.

Just a minute. She'll leave.

Hmm.

What about this piece?

This is a Goliath.

It's part of my personal collection.

It's not for sale. - Hmm.

Seems like it means a lot to you.

Did you know him?

I don't think that's any of your business.

You need to leave now.

Don't take this the wrong way,

but I can tell by looking at you,

you can't afford a piece like this.

You'd be surprised by my resources.

♪

What's in the bag?

♪

- No!

♪

I'm sorry. You're right.

Goliath wanted you to have the egg.

It's why you were sent for.

Goliath knew it needed an alien to guide and protect it.

An alien with emotions,

like you.

Who was he?

He was a man who stepped out of the jungle

that I fell in love with.

Goliath told me you would come when the time is right.

I know now why he said it was very important

for you to have the egg.

Goliath warned me there would be people coming for it.

Promise you will take care of my baby.

I promise.

Harry, she's gone.

They want the egg. They won't stop.

Go out the back.

Okay.

♪

Ooh!

♪

Hey!

Who the hell are these guys?

♪

Max is just getting

to the point where I can leave him home alone

without it being a child services issue.

Hmm.

Unless he gets into the matches.

I mean, if I can handle the drunks

that come through this place,

kid can't be that much worse.

You saying you actually wanna have a kid?

First I'd have to find the right guy

to have his life ruined by me.

- Ooh, anyone special in mind?

Do I have a victim in mind?

Dating me is kind of like walking into a war zone.

Hey, I think you're a catch.

And if you wanted to,

I think you would be a great mom.

Come on.

Imagine if you were pregnant.

We could be pregnancy buddies.

We can get them matching

"This is what a feminist looks like" onesies.

I mean, you'd have to be willing to give up the freedom

to do whatever you want whenever you want.

I mean, you could just jet off to Paris right now.

But I won't.

I'll just jet home to my nail polish collection.

I have a lot of nail polish.

At least your baby won't make you high when you sniff it.

Take it easy.

You know, it's--

it's not like I know for sure that I'm pregnant.

Well, let's find out.

Here at The 59, we cater to every stage of a relationship.

Condoms, pregnancy tests, paternity tests,

plus a divorce lawyer who starts his weekend bender

on Thursday afternoon.

Mm.

Thank God these are still in stock.

Judy goes through them like Tic Tacs that you piss on.

I don't know.

I'm not sure I'm ready for the answer yet.

Not feelin' as brave as you.

You didn't see me run away

from the leg press at the gym today.

So you skipped one machine. It was your first day back.

When you're ready, it'll be there.

Keep it on you.

When you're ready, it'll be there.

♪

Why do we have to ride on this train for two days?

What if someone ties a lady to the tracks?

If they tie her lengthwise,

it could derail us.

It could.

But it won't, because this isn't a silent movie, Harry.

And we didn't have a choice.

Pretty sure TSA won't let you on a plane

with something like that in a bag.

Do you even know if and when it will hatch?

No.

On my planet, we mate with a genetic partner.

The partner who carries the offspring

incubates hundreds of eggs.

This is just one egg.

One of my kind...

mating with a human partner.

I do not know what this will look like.

I do not know when it will come.

It could be hatching in a year.

It could be hatching right now.

Or...now.

Or now.

Fantastic.

What are we supposed to do now?

Goliath wanted me to have this egg.

He knew what would happen if he became impregnated.

Goliath died so I could have this baby.

I'm gonna go get a tea.

Do you want anything?

No.

Ice cream sandwich!

♪

I went to New York to find an alien

even a little like me.

Now when I look at this egg,

I think I have found something different,

a baby contaminated with human emotion,

part alien and part human.

It is not a little like me.

It is just like me.

♪

What's going on, Mike?

You haven't turned the page since you came in.

I--

I got a bunch of these books

from Abigail Hodges, and...

thought they'd help me take my mind off some stuff,

but it's not working so well.

Something you wanna talk about?

Share with a fellow soldier what's on your mind?

Oh, I kind of feel stuck lately.

You know, like I'm in the middle of something,

but I'm not sure which way is the right way to go.

Hmm.

Look, between you and me...

I think I made a mistake.

I think I might've put the wrong person behind bars.

Last time I made a big mistake like that was back in D.C.,

and my partner, he didn't go home that day.

Tough break.

Yeah.

If I had my sage, I'd smudge you.

Mm.

Free pie is a close second.

- Psh, I'll take it.

I was doing guard duty in Vietnam.

Dreamin' about the burgers we'd order back home.

Tellin' dirty jokes.

Pretendin' we weren't scared shitless.

It was an ambush.

My buddy hit the floor.

I just stood there like an idiot

till he bled out.

Jesus, Dan.

Medic told me it wasn't my fault.

Called it a... sucking chest wound.

But I couldn't shake the guilt.

And I ran from that mistake for years.

Almost died from it.

I'm sorry.

I mean, how do you even survive something like that?

It's not about the surviving.

Any soldier who's still with us is surviving.

A soldier has to prevail.

Learned to honor Joe.

Now he's with me every day.

♪

If you wanna honor your partner,

be the best cop you can be.

Put the right person behind bars.

♪

Deputy. Hey.

I've been waiting out front for the last ten minutes.

You forget I was picking you up?

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I've been tied up.

Just, like, police stuff.

Pullin' UFOs over for speeding again?

I'm sorry.

I'm just feeling a little stupid.

I posted that UFO video, and people think it's fake.

Hey, the only thing stupid is believing

what someone on the internet thinks.

Ignore them.

It's not just one person.

It's most of them, and someone used a filter

to change the UFO into a doughnut.

They don't even know I'm a cop.

That looks pretty realistic.

Now I'm hungry.

Let's stop and get one on the way home.

Sorry.

I need ten more minutes.

- Okay. - Okay.

I changed my mind. I want tea--

You should've cleaned up after yourself.

Now, you're gonna give me that egg,

and you're gonna tell me where it came from.

♪

♪

Ow.

♪

You.

♪

What the-- how did that window break?

I do not know.

It is a very cheap train. Everything breaks.

Oh, my God.

What-- what happened to your face?

♪

I may have killed the bad woman.

It's okay. I threw her out the window.

She's gone.

Did you get my ice cream sandwich?

♪

♪

Sir, we've been through this room a thousand times.

Do you really think we've been missing something?

Yeah, well, before, we were trying to get

in the killer's head.

Maybe it's time we try to get into Sam's.

♪

Okay, so I'm a small-town doctor, right?

Nice guy. Whole town loves me.

So why would somebody want me dead?

Medical malpractice? I don't think so.

I'm too damn good at what I do.

Did I witness something?

Did I know something that made somebody wanna kill me?

I was smart.

If I knew something important and dangerous,

I might've written it down.

Yeah, but where?

Wait.

Sam loved these books.

Sir?

The sex-crazed detective in these books,

when he thought somebody was after him,

he would take his case notes, and he would put them

in the back of paintings in his office.

♪ In the middle of the streets of Eden ♪

Come on.

♪ The four winds blow

Shit.

♪ Of my father's soul

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, here and gone ♪

You know what? Maybe it's just a dumb book.

Even if he hid something here,

it would probably be gone by now.

I mean, we've had three doctors since.

Any one of them could've changed these paintings.

♪

Not that one.

Not this one.

♪ Here and gone

♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh

♪ Ooh, ooh

♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh

- Sheriff.

Holy shit.

♪

Patience must be nearer to my planet than New York.

When I am here, I feel closer to home.

You gonna tell me what's goin' on?

You haven't talked this whole ride.

I don't like it when you're quiet.

Makes me nervous.

The alien we went to see

was dead.

But it gave birth to an egg,

and now it's in Harry's bag.

I liked it more when you were quiet.

♪

Me too.

Congratulations!

I heard you adopted a baby.

Do not worry. It has not hatched yet.

If it did, you would know.

It would probably spit acid.

It'll be a relief that we put that egg somewhere safe.

Finally a use for that stupid bunker of yours.

I built that stupid bunker to save your life.

- Uh-huh. - So that everyone in the world

would die but me and you.

Thanks for including me.

all: Surprise!

Ah!

Happy birthday, Dr. Vanderspeigle.

Glad to have you back in Patience.

Speech!

Get out of my house!