All language subtitles for Mr.Mayor.S02E02.WEBRip.x264-ION10

.

- We did it!

A year ago,

we said we were gonna tackle
L.A's traffic problems.

And today we now have completed

citywide, dedicated bus lanes.

- What do we want?
Bus lanes!

When do we want them?
We got 'em.

- Now I could rest
on my laurels,

but I'm not
a rest-on-my-laurels guy.

And I know
that like this bus lane

that currently ends in Burbank,
we can go further.

California is the innovation
capital of the world--

the iPhone, Disneyland,

the Ryan Murphy
Cinematic Universe.

These are all homegrown ideas.

So I have hand-picked
a new team

of California's sharpest minds

to form the Mayor's Office
of Innovation.

[cheers and applause]

Housing, jobs,
health, tourism--

let's get innovative, L.A.

[upbeat music]

Get out of my dreams
and onto that bus.

[tires screeching]

Those passengers are gonna be
on the beach

in seven minutes.

- That's too fast!

[bright music]

♪

- Have you sussed out these
innovation consultants yet?

Some of these guys
have necks and chins.

Oh, God.
Is that how low my bar is?

- Yes, and none of them
have any old tweets

with the words [bleep],
[bleep], or [bleep] in them,

which is how low my bar is.

Finally, some Gen Z energy
in this place.

- For real.

You know how I had to beg Neil
to stop setting up

conference calls
and use Slack.

He still calls it "Slacks."

And he calls pants "trousers,"
and what are "dungarees"?

- I mean, after a certain age,

the human brain
just can't learn.

No offense, Arpi.
- I just can't believe

you're excited that these
people are gonna come in

and tell us how to innovate.

We innovate.

This was like bringing
in a poop-throwing consultant

to teach the chimps.

This expert comes in
for a month

and he's gonna be like,

"What if you threw some
so it sticks to the glass?"

Oh, thanks.
We never thought of that.

- You know, I was recruited
by some consulting firms

out of law school,
but I was like, no.

I want to be a part of
American democracy...ending.

- Ah, this guy is wearing
an MIT sweatshirt

with the arms cut off
and he's pulling it off.

- New best friends!

- New boyfriend!
- New best friends!

- New boyfriend!
- New best friends!

- New boyfriend!
- New best friends!

[soft xylophone music]
- Oh!

Now this is a presentation.

- Put these on.

♪

At Impactium Consulting,

we believe in dreaming bigger,
living larger...

- What is that?
- And soaring higher.

- [grunting]
No! Ah!

He's got me in his beak!

[yelping]

- Welcome, everyone.
You can take your headsets off.

- [laughing]
Look at--

oh, that's amazing!

What are you doing, man?
Get up off the floor.

- I didn't--
- Hi, I'm James.

And this is the I-Team.

- And we're so excited
to get started.

- I hope you all enjoyed
hang gliding over Los Angeles.

Now did any of you notice
Ellen DeGeneres

smiling at the top of Runyon?

That was added digitally--
the smile, I mean.

- My video was a velociraptor.

- You must've pressed
the wrong button.

- James, James, what are we
gonna start with?

Driverless cars?
Tacos that travel?

Come on, let's disrupt.

- Absolutely, Mr. Mayor,

but we've learned that
innovation starts from within.

So the first thing we'll do
is just spend the day

shadowing the staff,
watching how you do things.

- Right 'cause you've been here
for an hour,

so you'd know
what we're doing wrong.

- Well, you know,
we really just want

to get a feel for the place.

- Hey, man, would you mind
just standing back over there?

For example,
I would love to know

who's got you guys using Slack,

'cause that application
is garbage.

I mean, we were all
just laughing about it earlier.

- Thank you. I hate Slacks.

- Could we watch
the video again,

so I can see the nice one
as a palate cleanser?

- Would that be the best use
of your time?

- Yes.

- They're gonna evaluate us?
- I warned you.

These guys are just
greasy corporate vampires.

- Which in a book
would be sexy.

- I for one will not be
participating

in this brain suckery.

- And why wouldn't they let me
stand with them?

Who do they think they are?
My college a cappella group?

- You folks ready
to get started?

Ms. Meskimen, this is Noah.
He'll be shadowing you.

- Okay.

Let's go, Jokeshow.

[upbeat music]

- My body's teeming
with creative juices.

What are we gonna do today,
James?

- We are gonna move fast
and break things, sir.

- Ha!
I like that.

Yeah, that's catchy.

I'm gonna text that to myself
before I forget it.

- Now we've got
some special things

set up for you, Mr. Mayor,

we are going to evaluate
your leadership style

by having you virtually sail a
yacht around Tierra del Fuego.

- Hot damn.

- And then in the afternoon,
we're gonna set up

one of those military glass
tables that shows a map of L.A.

- And will that be interactive?

- You will get to draw on it.
Yes.

- So cool.
I call green.

Oh, hey.
James--wait a minute.

Is this my daughter
or one of your holograms?

[chuckles]
- Dad, ow.

- I'm sorry.

- Are you ready?
We're kind of already late.

- For what, honey?

- You're taking me
to the DMV today

for my permit test.

- Is that today?

- Dad, I literally reminded you
about it this morning.

- Can't you do it on your phone
or something?

- No, you have to go in person.

- All right, I see there's
a government office

that could use some innovating,
am I right?

- Oh, I wouldn't know, sir.
I hoverboard everywhere.

- [laughs]
Of course you do.

Does this absolutely
have to be done today?

- I made this appointment
months ago.

And their website is black text
on a blue screen, okay?

I can't go through that again.

- I have people--
- Don't bail on me.

I went with you
to your emergency colonoscopy

after you slipped
on the Peloton.

- Hey, you know, James doesn't
need to know that.

Oh, shoot.
Sorry about this, James.

I, um--
I will be back ASAP Rocky.

- Dad, that is a person.

- I know that.
I was trying something out.

- How would you describe
your job?

- I wouldn't, Noah.
I'm too busy doing it.

Now try to keep up with me.

'Cause if there's one thing
you need to know about me

and how I operate, it's--

- Ms. Meskimen?

There's no door back here.

♪

- Okay, so low beams in fog.

- Oh, jeez.
Where did you come from?

- A vent.
I'm like a mouse.

If my skull fits,
the rest of my body fits.

Are you evading
your observer too?

- No, no.

I'm taking Orly to the DMV.
- Huh.

Dad, it says here
you can't drive on the beach

just because
you're late for golf.

- Well, they've changed
that then.

You know,
it wouldn't kill you, Arpi,

to engage with that I-Team kid.

It's costing us a lot of money.

- That argument didn't get me
to try lobster mac and cheese.

It's not gonna work here.

- What floor are you
getting off on?

- I think
I'll tag along with you.

You'll never find me, Noah!

- Hey, do you mind
if I observe you?

- That works for me,
since as chief of staff,

I technically need to be
observing you

because your work
is my purview.

So yes,
this is convenient for me.

I would like you
to sit, please.

- Yeah, just pretend
I'm not here.

- Okay, and you pretend
like I'm not here.

I have a lot of work to do,
you know,

running America's largest city.

- New York
is America's largest city.

- Not if I do my job right.

- Okay.

Is that a puffy Pusheen cat
sticker on a government laptop?

- I feel like you should be
able to use context clues

to answer that yourself.

Next you'll be asking me,

"Is she sitting on
a hamburger?"

Yes, James.

Pusheen is sitting on
a hamburger.

[chuckles]
I'm a busy professional, okay?

I don't have time to
spoon-feed you these answers.

- [snickers]

I'm not used to people
watching me while I work.

Oh.

[high-pitched voice]
Crumbs in the keyboard?

Nodda so good.
[giggles]

Wow, that was actually a really
cool new voice, Jayden.

Okay, that's just
making the crumbs go in.

[inhaling sharply]

Mouth vacuum is working.

[inhales sharply]

Innovation.

Wink.

- Yeah, I thought about
going into consulting,

but ultimately
went another way.

God bless the broken road,
you know?

Rascal Flatts.

- What is your exact title?

- Oh, I am the mayor's
chief strategist.

Before this, I was doing
social media for the RNC.

I was the one
who got them on Pinterest.

Before that, I worked to put
myself through Georgetown

while maintaining
a 3.8 "virginity."

- Next.
[soft indistinct chatter]

- Ugh, this is taking forever.
- Yeah, tell me about it.

I'm missing my first lunch
with the I-Team.

They were gonna make a toast
with a bottle of champagne

that went up to space and back.

- Why?

- Oh, that's it. Yeah.
I'm gonna find a manager.

- Sir, I know you're not
going to cut the line.

- Arpi, I'm the mayor.

My time needs
to be used efficiently, right?

- So you're saying you're more
important than this man?

What do you do, sir?

- I do lighting for pornos.

- Thank you for your service.

- Arpi, I am sure that
my fellow Angelenos

want to see their mayor
get back to work, right?

- Boo!
- Absolutely not!

- Okay, all right. Relax.
- Oh, my God, Dad. Stop.

- Get back in the line,
Slenderman!

- Okay, okay.

- Hey, and when is your
administration gonna do

something about
non-union hidden toilet cams?

That's taking money
out of my pocket.

.

[mellow quirky music]

- God, this guy in the front
is taking forever.

Why is everything in my life
always so hard?

- Okay, BTS performed at your
birthday, but yeah, sure.

- Next.
- Yes, it's my turn.

- Go get 'em.
- Oh, thank God.

- We'll be right here.

- Knock 'em dead, sweetheart.

Is there something you need
from me, Arpi?

- I need you to explain to me

why you think
our administration

needs outside help
from a bunch of Boss Babies.

- Because if there's anything
I've learned

after a year in government,

it's that we should do
everything differently.

- Hey, man, I'm your most
progressive progressive.

America Ferrera told me
to settle down

at the Women's March.

- Give me a break.

- What does that mean?
Give me a break?

- You say you're progressive,

but what do you do every time
I have a cool idea?

"We tried that in '86, sir."

"They're not
fiscally sound, sir."

"How about instead
of sushi drones,

you know, we get pregnant women
healthcare?"

You are as rigid
as any Republican

I have ever yachted with.

- How dare you use yacht
as a verb.

- Do you think
that I'm actually proud

of that stupid bus lane?

You think I want that
as my legacy?

I'm 73 years old, Arpi.
I don't have time to waste.

- Then let me help you.

I've been doing this
for 30 years.

You think these guys
can figure it out in a month?

You see, let those kids go,

and you, me,

City Council President Kawachi,
and Comptroller Pedrad

sit down and have a long,
less than $8 per person lunch

where we explain to you again
how a bill becomes a law.

- Arpi, move fast
and break things.

That's how we're doing it now.

- No.

No, no, no!
This cannot be happening.

- What?
- I failed my test.

- But you were
so well-prepared.

- It's so unfair.

I mean, the question
was true or false,

you should pump your brakes
in an ice storm,

but the manual says
you do pump for regular,

but you don't pump
for antilock brakes,

which means
it's true and false.

- Well, how about that?
Yeah.

Yeah, the test doesn't line up
with the manual, Arpi.

- Yeah, and I can't retake it
for seven days.

- Of course you can't.
Hey, way to go, government.

Yeah, nice use
of all of our time.

Am I right?
Yeah.

Yeah, instead of being able
to onboard our new coworkers,

we all got to sit around

and watch that guy eat yogurt
with only his tongue.

- I'm not sure about spoons.

The science isn't there yet.

- Perfect!

I hope we all flashback
to this day on our deathbed.

- How many miles
of dental floss

do you think Americans use
in a year?

- [chuckles]
Okay.

This is one of those
consultant questions

that you ask to see
my thought process.

Love this.
Thank you for the opportunity.

Let's find out.

328 million Americans,

and not counting babies,
the elderly, methheads,

and celebrities who haven't had
their veneers attached yet

so they still just have those
weird little vampire nubs.

About 40% of us
have contiguous teeth.

That's 131 million mouths.

Each container of floss
holds 12 to 18 yards.

You know I could have been you,
right?

You're not better than me.
[softly] Take me with you.

- Look, I know this process
is annoying,

and obviously
you're gonna be fine.

- Oh, I know.
But also what does that mean?

- Well, part of what we do
when we start at a new place

is we look for dead weight.

- You fire people?

- We make recommendations to,
usually.

You know, it makes the
remaining staff feel chosen,

but also a little off-balance

in a way
that increases productivity.

- [scoffs]
That's disgusting.

- Yeah, but you have
nothing to worry about.

If anyone should be nervous,

it's the guy who failed
the welcome video.

- [distorted voice]
Beep, boop, beep.

I am a government-powered
robot.

Oh, no, my beard is stuck.

Please help the robot.

- Of course they want
to fire Jayden.

I mean, we wanted
to fire Jayden until he--

wait, what made us
not want to fire him?

- I think he
Mrs. Doubtfire-d us.

I can't remember.

It doesn't matter.
I run this place.

- We do. We totally do.

- And these B-school
Scott Disicks,

they don't get to just
come in here

and tell us how to do our jobs.

- Hey, how's it going, buddy?

Those consultant guys
can be a little scary, right?

- No.
I'm not scared of them at all.

In fact, I think Milo and I

are gonna be friends
with benefits

'cause his complex has a pool.

- Okay, well,

something that I'm doing
to make friends with them

is I tell them
every important thing

that I do around the office.

Sometimes I even
stretch the truth a little bit

to make myself
sound more important.

- Is that why
you always do that?

- Uh, Jayden,
how many miles of dental floss

do you think
that Americans use in a year?

- Eight.
- Don't blurt it out so fast!

Just think for a hot sec.

And maybe don't have
a blue tongue this afternoon.

It just might be too cool
for a work meeting.

- No, it's always better
to be yourself.

It's like earlier
when I couldn't get the printer

to work,
I let Milo see me cry

because my emotions
are most of who I am.

- He'll find a new job, right?
Maybe Disneyland needs a LeFou.

- No, we have to help him.

- No, it's the velociraptors
again!

Oh, no--

oh, I stepped on
one of their eggs!

.

- So there's nothing
you can do as mayor

to get me another test?

I told everyone I could do
the driving shots for the movie

we're making in Spanish class.

It's a modern "Don Quixote"
where horses are cars.

- Honey,
the DMV is run by the state,

or believe me, I would have
my new guys all over it.

- [high-pitched] "My new guys.
I love them so much!"

That's a cool new voice, Arpi.

- I seriously can't retake
the test for seven days?

Why?
- Who knows?

You know, there's probably
some archaic rule

from when children had to stay
home and help on the farm.

- Actually, its origins
are in voter suppression,

but I know there's
a complainulate.org petition

to change it.

- Oh, honey, just please
let Dan take you home.

I gotta get back in there.

The guys are gonna show me
how to make a soap dish

with a 3D printer.

- Anyone can make a soap dish.

All you need
is a Leatherman Rebar

and a chunk of olive wood.

- What's your point?

- Anything the I-Team can do,
I can do better.

- Well then, do it, Arpi.

I'm so glad these kids
have lit a fire under you.

I can't wait to see all
your sparkling achievements.

- You wanna move fast
and break some things?

- I'm Jayden Kwapis.

I'm the mayor's
director of communications

or "comms director,"
if you nasty.

- Oof, that's his second
Janet Jackson reference.

- Third.
You were on the phone

when he tried to do
the "Rhythm Nation" countdown

and accidentally
gave the bird.

- Oh, no.
I can't let this happen.

Okay, Operation "Jayden Rescue"
is a go.

- Oh, no.
Mikaela choked on her Midol.

Jayden, you're the office
Safety Marshal.

Save her.
- Oh, okay, the Heimlich.

No, I am not allowed
to touch her.

She made that very clear.

Stop staring!

Do something, Leslie!
Please!

- [stammering]
I got it.

- Oh!
Oh, okay, I'm--

Okay, I'm good.
I swallowed it.

- Okay, we did it.

Teamwork makes the dream work.

Broom-five!

- Okay, uh, James,

I need to see you in my office
right now.

- I don't normally hit women.

- Okay.

You can go ahead
and tell the mayor

that we should fire Jayden,

but I'm not gonna
let that happen.

- Fine, you can keep Jayden,
but are you also gonna fight me

on the dude with
a sugar glider in his desk?

- If you mean Leslie
and Deputy Zoomer,

it's a service sugar glider.

Because it's the only thing
keeping him from killing us.

So yeah, I'm gonna fight you
on all your proposals.

- Okay, well,
we can't really affect change

in a place
that refuses to change.

So what do you suggest
we do here?

- I don't know, James.

Maybe do like
my last Bumble date.

I go to the bathroom.
You leave while I'm in there.

♪

- You know I was the first guy
in Bel Air to have Wi-Fi.

You'd get a disc from AOL,

and then if somebody else
wanted to use the phone,

they could not.

- Arpi got me my permit.

- I'm sorry.
She what?

- I took your request
to heart, sir.

We gotta start getting
things done around here--

not let the bureaucracy
stop us.

So I found a loophole.

You cannot take the same
permit test twice in one day,

but you can test
for another class of license.

- At 16?

- There's an age waiver
for agricultural families,

and technically
your Bel Air yard

is large enough
to be considered a sod farm.

- I got a class A permit.

Now I can drive
a tractor trailer.

- Move fast and break things,
literally.

- Should I get
an ice cream truck?

I love that for me!

- Why don't we talk about that
at home?

Arpi, a word, please.

If this is you showing off,
it backfired.

- Your boys could never
have done what I just did.

They don't know the laws,

the region's
agricultural history,

or even the vents we took
to get there.

- This is still
about the I-Team.

- "Move fast and break things"
is a dumb T-shirt philosophy.

Experience and caution
have value.

- Give them a minute
to show what they can do.

Oh, come on, Arpi.

I bet you they're working on
some stuff

you're gonna love.

- Um, sir, uh, the I-Team quit.

- I do love it.

♪

.

- Sir, I just felt
as chief of staff

that we did not need their
services like zoo chimps--

- Absolutely not.

I already announced it
to the L.A. press.

Do you have any idea
how savagely

"Americana at Brand Memes"
will come for me?

- Oh.

- Get them back.
- Yeah, okay.

- Dad, I'm in a multiple
bidder situation

on a repossessed horse van.

What's our best offer?

- Zero $0.
- What? Why?

- Because you can't do this.

Just because
you found a quick fix

doesn't mean
it's the right fix.

Oh.

Is Arpi smiling right now?

- I think so.

It's like a drunk Grinch
trying to look sober.

- All right, don't look at her.

And hand over that permit,
please.

- What?

But I just watched
a long video about

how to empty the toilet
of a Winnebago.

- And someday you will.
Hand it over.

- Fine,
but I'm still signing up

to be an organ donor.

- Whatever.

Goodbye, Arpi.

- Already in the vent, sir.

- [clears throat]

So one thing that you'll learn
about this office

is we really love pranks,

and that thing before
where I told you to leave?

[laughs]
Ya burnt.

- You told the mayor I quit
and you got in trouble?

- Yeah, 100%.
He's, like, in love with you.

- I mean, can you blame him?

- Look, we're not notopen
to change, but it's day one.

You're not firing Jayden.

- Okay, I asked him where
he sees himself in five years,

and he said, "In a mirror,
unless I've become a vampire."

- Okay, but not everything
that matters can be measured,

and not everything
that can be measured matters.

- Okay, that sounded like
consultant nonsense,

so obviously I agree,
and I guess I can stay

because by defending
your weakest team member,

you have passed
the manager test.

Yeah.
- [snickers]

Okay, you're making that up.
[laughs]

- Am I?
Guess we'll never know.

- Can you believe
that eight hours ago,

we were excited about
the I-Team being here?

- No, those guys are the worst.

[chuckles]

- Hey, Jayden,
you seen my daughter?

- Yes.
She's beautiful, sir.

- What?
No, no.

I meant--never mind.

Oh, there you go.

- Okay, so I've decided
to forgive you

if we can get Matsuhisa
tonight.

Also don't get mad at me,

but our $0 bid
won that horse van.

- Ugh, fine.

But you can only drive it
up and down our driveway.

[elevator dings]
Oh, hey.

Arpi, thought a lot
about what you said.

I want you to know
you were right.

- I always am.
Conciliatory egg?

- Yeah, why not?

There's no way
the I-Team could learn

everything you know
in six weeks,

which is why I extended
their contract to a year.

- [coughs]

- Look forward to seeing
what you guys do together.

♪

Got a little egg on your face.

- Good night, everybody!
- Good night!