All language subtitles for The Girls Guide to Depravity 1x06 - Rule 21 The Magic Pussy Rule (English)

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The Magic Pussy Rule

- Hello.
- Hey.

- Hi.
- Liz, it's drew.

I'm actually outside.

- Hey.
- Would it be okay if I came in?

Yeah, yeah, sure, come on up.

Sorry to call out of the blue.

- I just...
- No, no, yeah.
I'm getting you now.

Okay, bye.

Shh...

Sorry it's so last minute.

I thought this was a Booty call.

It is.

You just started faster
than I was expecting.

Then catch up with me.

Shoes.

Fuck, I missed you.

Yes, yes.

Oh, no.

No.

No, no, no, no, no.

Friday Night, 10:43 pm

I don't get it.

That guy could get any woman he wants.

She must be his sugar momma.

Or not.

Seriously,

what is he doing with her?

She must have a magic pussy.

- What?
- What?

What the hell is a magic pussy?

I don't know,

but I want one.

Here you are, ladies.

Rule 21:
Develop a magic pussy

A magic pussy,

is when a woman
withholds sex for so long,

to get what she wants,

that the guy puts her
pussy on a pedestal.

Um, no, no, no.

A magic pussy is a pussy

that's so amazing, a man will do

absolutely anything to have it.

It's so otherworldly,

that he'll ruin his
career, his whole life,

just for a single night.

No, wait, wait, wait.

Maybe a magic pussy
is one of those girls,

that squirts when she comes.

You know, like in porn.

What the fuck is that?

Did you just pee on me?

No, it's not pee, it's just...

That is disgusting.

You're disgusting.

No, that's definitely not it.

Last call.

Oh, hello. My name's I love you.

Yes, please.

Yeah, it usually works.

Do you think she has a magic pussy?

Oh, yeah.

You stick your dick in it and poof,

your hard-on disappears.

We shouldn't laugh,

that'll probably be us
in about 10 years.

The fuck it will.

You know what,

we're gonna unravel the
mystery of the magic pussy

and get any guy we want
dying to get a taste of our poon.

And then what?

And then what, what?

All day long, I think of new ways

to sell ideas or people or whatever

and I never stop to ask,

why or if it's a good thing.

Uh-huh, so?

So we get this magic pussy.

And we have a truckload of
guys just dying for a taste of it.

Yeah.

Yeah, sounds good.

Is that it?

Are we just thinking of new ways
to fuck and make it more interesting?

Oh, Samantha, what are you doing?

At least sienna had an
end game. She fell in love.

Is that what you want?

Do you?

I know, but...

It's the address, right?

Oh, look.

Are you sure that this is the place?

The lady on the phone said.

Hi, welcome to tantric for beginners.

Come on in.

Please make yourselves comfortable.

Fuck.

Oh.

She said bring a buddy.

I didn't know she meant fuck buddy.

- Awkward.Com.
- Just a tiny bit.

Today, we're gonna learn the magic

of sexual connection,

sexual energy,

and sexual satisfaction.

We're just here to learn
about the magic of the poon,

thank you very much.

First, you must harmonize.

Too bad I didn't bring
my skin flute to join in.

As he breathes out,

I breathe in,

taking in the essence
of his inner being.

Hopefully not the essence of the
veggie burger he had for lunch.

I'm sorry.

Oh, really?

Now,

we will begin the sacred
act of love making.

Finally.

Remember,

it's not about an orgasm,

it's about a deeper spiritual and
emotional connection to your partner.

Remember to always maintain eye contact.

I'm sorry, but,

are you doing something special that we
can't see with your cha-cha, right now?

I'm doing something
special with my chakra,

not my cha-cha.

Holy shit!

You rock my

world!

Damn.

For all that enlightenment,
Buddhists have zero sense of humor.

That had to be a magic pussy.

Are you kidding me?

That guy had a monster
case of blue balls,

a stiff breeze could have made him come.

Come on.
Let's go get a drink.

A stiff one.

Saturday Night, 9:10pm

Ah!

How dare Tyler take a night off.

Who's gonna slip us free shots?

Tough break, Jason, it looks
like you're buying.

Would happily, but I'm tapped out.

Bought a new bed.

Got the feeling I'm gonna
meet someone soon.

Speaking of, have you ever
encountered a magic pussy?

Jason thinks all pussies are magical.

Seriously, you're a man who's
wandered the world a bit.

What have you seen in your travels?

I would say that my

penis has come into contact
with a magic vagina, per se.

When I backpacked through Thailand,

I saw girls do things
with their hoo-has.

They could shoot darts and hit a target.

- There was this one girl...
- So not helpful.

How am I ever gonna get a magic pussy

if I don't know what it is?

I used to have a magic pussy.

You had a magic pussy?

What is it? And how did you lose it?

Oh, my God. It was
fan-fucking-tastic.

I could get any man I wanted.

Rich, famous,

insanely hot.

They couldn't get enough of me.

I was with this one guy, who wasn't
only rich, famous and insanely hot,

but he would do anything for me.

And not just in the bedroom.

He was hooked.

I knew no matter what I did, he
would always come back for more.

Come on, Cheyenne.
Ah!

How can you do this to me?

Cheyenne!

Well, I guess that's not entirely true.

Got knocked up by another man.

Couldn't lie and say the baby was
his and he broke up with me.

I'll do anything, just don't go.

After I had that baby,

I was never the same.

The magic was gone.

Having that kid ruined my magic pussy.

I'm sorry, so what exactly did
you say a magic pussy was?

You try pushing a watermelon out of your
cooch and see if it's ever the same.

Well, that's 10 minutes of
my life I'll never recover.

New rule, I'm never having children.

Ooh, darts.

Rule 83 Motherhood is where
depraved girls go to die.

Kate.

They delivered this book
to me, I think by mistake.

Thanks.

Those books don't work, you know.

Maybe not for you.

Look,

I'm just saying that instead on
focusing on finding a husband,

maybe you should try and
have a little fun before

you turn 30.

Yeah, sounds like you're
having a lot of fun.

You think she has a magic pussy?

When you look like that,
you don't need a magic pussy.

She's coming.

She can't hug us both
at once. Stand next to me.

Hey, girls.

Hey.

Kaylie? You okay?

I guess. My boyfriend and
I just broke up last night.

Aw!

Did he cheat on you?

Did you turn him gay?

Mmm, nothing like that.

I guess we just didn't have as
much in common as I thought.

Sorry, sweetie.

That sucks.

Whatever, I'll have a
new one by tomorrow.

So, what are you girls up to?

We're trying to solve the
mystery of the magic pussy.

Yeah, do you know what a magic pussy is?

Well, of course.

- You do?
- Yeah,

isn't it that pet cat that girl
in all the wizard movies has?

Must be blissful to be an idiot.

I'm jealous.

Magic is all about illusion, right?

We could get vajazzled.

Pick up a couple of guys and see
if they are stunned by the illusion,

of our sparkling vaginae.

Eh, vajazzling is so 2010.

Okay.

There's this place in koreatown
that does a vaginal steam bath,

it's supposed to give it all
these superpowers and shit.

Super pussy?

Let's try it.

Your vag could use a
good steam clean, anyway.

So we give our
cooches a magical bath,

pick up a couple of guys and
see if they come back for more.

Has it really come to that?

It's Sunday.

Would you rather watch football?

This feels like the time we
crowd surfed at coachella.

This feels like when out Saint
Bernard used to hide under the table

and huff his hot doggy
breath up my skirt at dinner.

Ew.

This feels like the time your grandma
removed her dentures to go down on me.

- Ew!
- Ew! I know, too much, huh?

Just a tad.

Excuse me.

This is supposed to give us
special pussy powers, right?

Be careful, you get too close to
the pot, your lady bits get burned.

But this is supposed to be magic, right?

Not magic,

holistic.

But yes, I've heard of miracles
happening after treatment.

Oh, like what?

Sometimes, women

who can't get pregnant, suddenly poof!

Bun in the oven.

Aw, hell no.

Sunday, 5:34pm

I've heard of genitals
being on fire before,

but this is ridiculous.

I'm so sorry,

she said the p word and I just freaked.

Ah, snatch better not have heat stroke.

At least you can go out and
try your freshly steamed vag

- and see if it works.
- No way.

With my luck, I'll get preggers and

my magic-free vagina will lose
any kind of powers it does have.

My mom thinks it's bad
enough that I'm 27 and single,

she'd disown me if I was 27,
single and knocked up.

Don't even waste your breath,
douche, we're closed for business.

Why is everyone looking at us?

Because the minute
you stop looking for it,

is the minute guys start
throwing their dicks at you.

Is that the secret of the magic pussy?

Act like you don't want it?

No, because when you do
that, the minute you give in,

they don't want it any more.

Jeez, it's like trying
to find the holy grail.

Yeah, I can use that and some
holy water to cool my vag.

Don't look at it.

It's not funny.

- It's a little bit funny.
- No!

It's not funny.

I'm doing the fucking
pee-pee dance here.

I hope you do get knocked up.

Tuesday Night, 9:12 pm
(Two Days Later)

It's been five days and one burnt vag

and we're still not any closer

to unraveling the myth
of the magic pussy.

I'd like to uncover the
myth of why this pussy

keeps following us
around like a puppy dog.

What? You asked me to join you.

She's just

kidding, j.

Maybe it's like sighting
big foot or loch ness.

There's no proof of the magic pussy.

A magic what?

A magic pussy.

It's like that thing, a not-so-special

woman has that can pull in any man.

Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

How do you know
it's a magic pussy

and not a magic mouth?

I went to college with this girl susie,

she'd brag about how she
gave the best blow jobs

at the university of Illinois.

And to illustrate
she would grab ginormous

things and stick them in her mouth.

I mean, susie wasn't
exactly a top model,

but she could get
any guy she wanted

and every guy I wanted.

None of us got it.

I mean, her name was
susie for fuck's sake,

After all,

a cooch is just a cooch,

but a mouth can do so much more.

Well, sure, leave it to
a gay guy to say a bj

is better than the va-Jay-Jay.

I've had both, can you say that?

Bet you can't.

I've neither been a party
to nor a participant in

the giving or receiving of a blow job.

Ever.

I'm gonna hit the head.

You think?

Who didn't experiment a little at camp?

I'll bet he didn't.

Hmmm.

Are you gonna go talk to him?

He can come talk to me.

Damn straight.
Hmmm.

So,

are you still trying to
be the bigger bitch?

Nah, those days are done.

Tell me something,

you come in here like

you're at peace with the world.

What's your story?

What do you picture?

You've got some creative gig.

Ah, calloused.

You work with your hands.

Maybe I'm a bricklayer.

More like a...

Glass blower.

Then what?

You get women.

And I don't mean that
you can hook up with them,

because I know you can.

But you really get us.

You have sisters.

You're a little brother.

Now, really wow me.

You know the secret of the magic pussy.

Indeed, I do.

What is it?

Confidence.

Hey, hon.

Let's grab a booth at the back.

By the way,

you were close.

Whatever happened to
"he can come to me"?

Sensed he wouldn't.

I miss drew.

Is it drew that you miss or
just being in a relationship?

Both.

Not that I have much experience
in this department,

but...

Getting over an ex takes time

and lots of rebound sex.

Your rule.

Think he's in love with his new little

girlfriend?

That punk tween?

Please.

She's just a rebound.

But it is probably a
nice change for him,

to have a conversation with someone
who doesn't use all those big words

he can't understand.

That's 'cause I'm a lawyer.

Come on, girl, let's get out of here.

What do you feel like doing?

Throwing rocks in lake Michigan.

I am in.

Like fifth grade.

Can we change shoes?

Absolutely.

Let's go.

Guess we can't take
these with us, can we?

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