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1
00:00:01,010 --> 00:00:04,920
? It seems today that all you see ?
2
00:00:04,940 --> 00:00:08,290
? Is violence in movies and sex on TV ?
3
00:00:08,300 --> 00:00:11,900
? But where are those good
old-fashioned values ?
4
00:00:11,910 --> 00:00:14,557
? On which we used to rely? ?
5
00:00:14,560 --> 00:00:18,243
? Lucky there's a family guy ?
6
00:00:18,250 --> 00:00:21,605
? Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ?
7
00:00:21,610 --> 00:00:23,190
? All the things that make us ?
8
00:00:23,200 --> 00:00:24,890
? Laugh and cry ?
9
00:00:24,900 --> 00:00:30,150
? He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy. ?
10
00:00:30,170 --> 00:00:34,076
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
11
00:00:36,540 --> 00:00:39,820
Oh, it's a letter from my
fancy private high school.
12
00:00:46,660 --> 00:00:49,620
I'll take this envelope
to the refuse, madam.
13
00:00:49,630 --> 00:00:51,800
Oh, thank you, letter butler.
14
00:00:52,810 --> 00:00:55,040
- What's that all about?
- Oh, it's an invitation
15
00:00:55,060 --> 00:00:56,660
to my high school reunion.
16
00:00:56,680 --> 00:00:59,880
I went to the Fancington's
Academy for Insufferable Girls.
17
00:00:59,890 --> 00:01:03,000
Our mascot was a well-dressed
woman who yells at valets.
18
00:01:03,020 --> 00:01:05,357
Nice. I'm sure you and Peter
will have a great time.
19
00:01:05,360 --> 00:01:06,780
Uh...
20
00:01:06,790 --> 00:01:09,020
Peter.
21
00:01:10,990 --> 00:01:14,158
Nobody look. This is a
private, gross matter.
22
00:01:19,610 --> 00:01:20,914
Right.
23
00:01:20,920 --> 00:01:23,520
Do people bring husbands
to these things?
24
00:01:23,540 --> 00:01:25,439
You're not thinking of going
without him, are you?
25
00:01:25,440 --> 00:01:28,620
Honestly, Brian, these girls
come from old money,
26
00:01:28,640 --> 00:01:31,340
so they can be pretty
stuffy and judgmental.
27
00:01:31,350 --> 00:01:32,360
Well...
28
00:01:33,580 --> 00:01:35,180
I'm still available.
29
00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:39,099
_
30
00:01:41,620 --> 00:01:45,910
"But the real outliers were the
friends we made along the way."
31
00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:47,780
The end.
32
00:01:47,800 --> 00:01:50,260
- Oh, hey, Lois.
- Wow, look at you.
33
00:01:50,280 --> 00:01:52,029
- Reading a book, huh?
- Oh, yeah.
34
00:01:52,030 --> 00:01:53,879
I read everything
people leave on planes.
35
00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:55,740
I read The Da Vinci Code four times.
36
00:01:55,760 --> 00:01:58,900
And I'm not sure the last time
I've seen you in your uniform.
37
00:01:58,920 --> 00:02:00,621
You really clean up nice.
38
00:02:03,250 --> 00:02:06,780
Hey, Glenn, I have this class
reunion coming up soon,
39
00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:10,660
and I thought maybe it'd
be fun if, I don't know,
40
00:02:10,680 --> 00:02:13,260
you know, maybe the two
of us went together.
41
00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:16,500
- What about Peter?
- Oh, he hates those things.
42
00:02:16,520 --> 00:02:17,780
And football.
43
00:02:19,060 --> 00:02:21,960
- Climate change?
- Well, that is a real problem.
44
00:02:21,980 --> 00:02:24,103
Hey, here's a fun thought:
what if you go
45
00:02:24,110 --> 00:02:26,150
and pretend to be my husband?
46
00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:28,440
Well, I'm not used to wearing
rings above the waist,
47
00:02:28,470 --> 00:02:30,776
but what the hell...
I'll try anything once.
48
00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:38,020
Where you going, Mom?
49
00:02:38,040 --> 00:02:41,800
Oh, I'm just heading out for
the weekend to visit the...
50
00:02:41,820 --> 00:02:44,480
Museum of Dusty Vases.
51
00:02:44,490 --> 00:02:46,959
Why don't you just look at
all the ones in this house?
52
00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:48,400
So what do we do for dinner?
53
00:02:48,420 --> 00:02:50,740
- Like, pizza?
- No pizza.
54
00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:52,480
Okay, right. So, like, pizza?
55
00:02:52,500 --> 00:02:54,220
No, Peter, not pizza.
56
00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:57,060
Okay, right. Not pizza.
So just... pizza?
57
00:02:57,080 --> 00:03:00,260
Okay, everyone, I stocked
the fridge with healthy food.
58
00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:03,260
Your weight is a reflection
on me, so no pizza.
59
00:03:03,280 --> 00:03:05,144
Oh, pizza. Now, that's an idea.
60
00:03:05,150 --> 00:03:07,579
Peter, if you disobey
me about the pizza,
61
00:03:07,580 --> 00:03:09,440
there will be consequences.
62
00:03:09,450 --> 00:03:11,210
Mom's-out-of-town consequences,
63
00:03:11,220 --> 00:03:13,402
which, according to the
movies, are the worst kind.
64
00:03:13,410 --> 00:03:16,560
Fine, but I'm gonna tweet
mean stuff at celebrities
65
00:03:16,580 --> 00:03:18,322
that look vaguely like you.
66
00:03:18,323 --> 00:03:20,480
_
67
00:03:20,510 --> 00:03:24,980
_
68
00:03:25,010 --> 00:03:27,207
_
69
00:03:30,670 --> 00:03:32,310
You're going to that
reunion, aren't you?
70
00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:34,160
Shh. Keep your voice down.
71
00:03:34,170 --> 00:03:37,860
Yes, I'm going, but with
Quagmire, not Peter.
72
00:03:37,870 --> 00:03:40,940
Glenn's gonna pretend to be
my husband to impress them.
73
00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:42,670
Are you sure that's a good idea?
74
00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:44,010
I mean, it's Quagmire...
75
00:03:44,020 --> 00:03:45,410
you know how he feels about you.
76
00:03:45,420 --> 00:03:47,710
Yeah, I know he's gonna
try and sleep with me,
77
00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:50,740
but I'm a big girl, and
I can handle Quagmire.
78
00:03:50,750 --> 00:03:51,760
I'll be fine.
79
00:03:51,780 --> 00:03:53,580
- But...
- But nothing. Fetch!
80
00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:56,040
Oh, not cool, Lois. Very not cool!
81
00:03:59,300 --> 00:04:00,800
All right, she's gone.
82
00:04:00,820 --> 00:04:03,099
Now, who wants pizza?
83
00:04:03,100 --> 00:04:06,121
_
84
00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:16,380
Oh, no. No wife of mine
carries her own bags.
85
00:04:17,540 --> 00:04:19,020
Oh, my God, that's heavy.
86
00:04:19,040 --> 00:04:20,100
What's in these things?
87
00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:21,640
Well, we're here for two nights,
88
00:04:21,660 --> 00:04:24,529
so my hair dryer, my
iron, my free weights...
89
00:04:24,530 --> 00:04:27,240
and I thought maybe, if I had
a minute, I'd Rollerblade...
90
00:04:27,260 --> 00:04:29,800
my CPAP machine and bedside table...
91
00:04:29,820 --> 00:04:31,220
There's a whole table in here?
92
00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:34,100
... travel Peloton, every
robe I've ever owned,
93
00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:36,160
and my desktop computer.
94
00:04:36,180 --> 00:04:37,870
It's got my email on there.
95
00:04:37,880 --> 00:04:39,740
Lois, I have an umbilical hernia.
96
00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:41,780
- They're on rollers.
- Oh.
97
00:04:42,830 --> 00:04:44,600
Okay, so I booked us a suite
98
00:04:44,620 --> 00:04:47,200
so that we can keep up the
appearance of being married,
99
00:04:47,220 --> 00:04:49,170
but still sleep in separate rooms.
100
00:04:49,180 --> 00:04:51,020
Like John Krasinski and Emily Blunt?
101
00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:52,159
Exactly.
102
00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:55,879
_
103
00:04:58,890 --> 00:05:00,884
Oh, pizza man's here.
104
00:05:00,890 --> 00:05:02,260
Do I look okay?
105
00:05:04,260 --> 00:05:06,223
I know, that one has a mind of its own.
106
00:05:07,420 --> 00:05:09,860
Here's your pie. May
I use your bathroom?
107
00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:12,290
Absolutely. We'll be
out here eating pizza
108
00:05:12,300 --> 00:05:13,810
like we're in an '80s commercial.
109
00:05:15,700 --> 00:05:18,500
? Smile in your family's face ?
110
00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:20,520
? It's pizza night ?
111
00:05:21,180 --> 00:05:23,320
? Eye contact with your son ?
112
00:05:23,340 --> 00:05:25,784
? He's gonna take a stringy bite ?
113
00:05:25,790 --> 00:05:28,537
? The obesity epidemic ?
114
00:05:28,540 --> 00:05:31,060
? Was starting to take hold ?
115
00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:34,059
? So stuff your face with pizza ?
116
00:05:34,060 --> 00:05:36,250
? Before it gets too cold ?
117
00:05:36,260 --> 00:05:39,680
? Before it gets too cold, yeah! ?
118
00:05:39,700 --> 00:05:41,420
Pizza!
119
00:05:44,550 --> 00:05:46,890
It's probably just the pizza talking,
120
00:05:46,900 --> 00:05:48,660
but I love you guys.
121
00:05:50,770 --> 00:05:54,313
Um, the pizza guy's car
is still running outside.
122
00:05:54,320 --> 00:05:56,604
Four tires, not one of them the same.
123
00:05:56,605 --> 00:05:58,180
Is that guy still on the can?
124
00:05:58,200 --> 00:06:00,110
- I'll check.
- Let's all check.
125
00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:06,180
I think he's had a heart attack.
126
00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:10,720
- He's dead.
- Oh, my God, Dad, this is terrible.
127
00:06:10,740 --> 00:06:13,916
I know. Your mother is gonna
find out we had pizza.
128
00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:27,700
What the...
129
00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:29,765
This is not the room I reserved.
130
00:06:29,770 --> 00:06:31,680
This is the honeymoon suite.
131
00:06:31,700 --> 00:06:34,560
Was that, "This is the honeymoon,"
comma, "sweet"?
132
00:06:34,580 --> 00:06:35,580
Or, like, "room"?
133
00:06:35,590 --> 00:06:38,240
Oh, you're not gonna get away with this.
134
00:06:38,260 --> 00:06:40,300
I am gonna tweet mean
stuff at celebrities
135
00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:41,902
that look vaguely like you.
136
00:06:43,695 --> 00:06:46,930
_
137
00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:48,850
_
138
00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:51,400
_
139
00:06:56,210 --> 00:06:58,320
Whoa, whoa, I had
nothing to do with this.
140
00:06:58,340 --> 00:06:59,660
Then how did this happen?
141
00:06:59,687 --> 00:07:01,949
Well, I'm a platinum member
at all the hotel chains,
142
00:07:01,950 --> 00:07:04,360
so they probably just saw
my name and upgraded us.
143
00:07:04,380 --> 00:07:06,635
Well, I don't know if I'm
comfortable with this.
144
00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:08,300
Oh, no problem.
Let me call the front desk
145
00:07:08,320 --> 00:07:11,090
and see if they can switch
us to a room with two beds.
146
00:07:11,100 --> 00:07:14,420
Ah, yes, we were wondering if we
might be able to switch rooms?
147
00:07:14,440 --> 00:07:15,900
Uh-huh. I see.
148
00:07:15,910 --> 00:07:18,470
So just a windowless single
with no water pressure?
149
00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:20,980
No, you know what, it's fine.
We're already here.
150
00:07:20,990 --> 00:07:23,300
My wife says, no, it's fine,
we're already here.
151
00:07:23,310 --> 00:07:25,570
Oh, you heard that.
Okay, thanks, anyway.
152
00:07:25,580 --> 00:07:27,440
But don't get any ideas,
153
00:07:27,450 --> 00:07:29,992
because nothing is gonna
happen between us.
154
00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:31,620
You have nothing to worry about.
155
00:07:31,640 --> 00:07:33,970
I'll be more of a gentleman
than John Wayne Bobbitt
156
00:07:33,980 --> 00:07:35,330
with his second wife.
157
00:07:35,340 --> 00:07:37,460
Hey, honey, would you
take out the trash?
158
00:07:37,480 --> 00:07:39,360
Yes, yeah, absolutely.
159
00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:45,632
Love it, love it. What else?
160
00:07:45,640 --> 00:07:48,860
Well, I have been dying to see
that new Rebel Wilson movie.
161
00:07:48,870 --> 00:07:51,280
I hear she raps, like, a lot.
162
00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:55,267
Let's just do this.
163
00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:02,500
Okay, we have to get rid of this body
164
00:08:02,520 --> 00:08:04,430
so your mom can't connect
us with the pizza.
165
00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:05,610
Anybody got any ideas?
166
00:08:05,620 --> 00:08:07,660
We could put a yarmulke on him
167
00:08:07,680 --> 00:08:09,680
a-and dump him in the town square.
168
00:08:09,700 --> 00:08:11,240
Pretend it's a hate crime.
169
00:08:11,260 --> 00:08:13,250
Chris, come on. Where
we gonna get a yarmulke?
170
00:08:13,270 --> 00:08:15,450
We should float him with
balloons, like in Up.
171
00:08:15,460 --> 00:08:18,160
Then he's the sky's problem.
172
00:08:18,180 --> 00:08:21,260
- Oh, my God, he got a text.
- Brian, get it.
173
00:08:21,280 --> 00:08:24,420
I'm not fishing it out of his
pants, 'cause I'm into chicks.
174
00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:29,384
_
175
00:08:29,390 --> 00:08:33,055
Oh, no. This means there are still
undelivered pizzas in his car.
176
00:08:33,060 --> 00:08:34,140
The restaurant's gonna know
177
00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:36,920
ours was the last one he dropped
off before he disappeared.
178
00:08:36,940 --> 00:08:39,686
Oh, my God, that means
Mom will find out.
179
00:08:39,690 --> 00:08:42,300
Which means we got to deliver
the rest of his pizzas.
180
00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:44,608
And we'll leave him and
his car at the last stop.
181
00:08:44,610 --> 00:08:47,480
Well, if we're going in the car,
that means I can take the iPad.
182
00:08:47,500 --> 00:08:48,695
Mom said.
183
00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:59,180
Okay, it's showtime.
184
00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:03,640
Ladies, you're looking wealthy tonight.
185
00:09:03,660 --> 00:09:05,420
I'd like you to meet my husband.
186
00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:07,620
We're married, hence the rings.
187
00:09:07,640 --> 00:09:08,840
Enchant�.
188
00:09:08,860 --> 00:09:10,801
I'm a pilot and I read books.
189
00:09:10,810 --> 00:09:13,800
This is Madison Lexington-Broadway.
190
00:09:13,810 --> 00:09:16,360
She runs a scholarship for
underprivileged WASPs
191
00:09:16,380 --> 00:09:18,220
who can only afford Cornell.
192
00:09:18,240 --> 00:09:20,470
My father shoots elephants.
193
00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:22,310
And Vivian Yachtbrunch,
194
00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:25,816
who sailed directly into the
building from Turks and Caicos.
195
00:09:25,820 --> 00:09:29,444
I summer in Antibes, and
I winter in the spring.
196
00:09:29,450 --> 00:09:31,970
And, of course, Scowly Tight-Anus,
197
00:09:31,980 --> 00:09:35,826
the granddaughter of both
Henry Tight and Randolph Anus.
198
00:09:35,830 --> 00:09:39,079
We were a clipping on
the Jay Leno Program.
199
00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:42,140
May I say that you have the
breasts of an obese woman
200
00:09:42,160 --> 00:09:43,750
and the arms of an anorexic.
201
00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:11,580
Hey, this is a lot of fun for everybody.
202
00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:14,072
Do you mind if I upstage
you at your job?
203
00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:16,120
Attention, everybody,
this is your captain.
204
00:10:16,130 --> 00:10:18,280
I'm not going to turn on
the "fasten seatbelt" sign.
205
00:10:18,300 --> 00:10:20,300
You guys can do whatever you want.
206
00:10:22,180 --> 00:10:25,140
Now I get it. I'm sorry
I played your saxophone.
207
00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:29,840
God, this car is depressing.
208
00:10:29,860 --> 00:10:32,120
He's got three ashtrays in use.
209
00:10:32,140 --> 00:10:35,700
- Can you put on some music?
- There's no CD player.
210
00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:38,140
Just a Discman with a cassette plug-in.
211
00:10:38,150 --> 00:10:40,610
You ever heard of a band
called Special Delivery?
212
00:10:40,620 --> 00:10:42,760
Oh, no. It's his band.
213
00:10:42,780 --> 00:10:43,950
Oh, no.
214
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:46,690
Oh, they're all in uniforms,
God bless 'em.
215
00:10:46,700 --> 00:10:49,299
Aw, dying on a stranger's
toilet seat is bad,
216
00:10:49,300 --> 00:10:50,820
but this is real bad.
217
00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:52,670
Dad, let's get back to the pizzas.
218
00:10:52,680 --> 00:10:55,760
Right. We deliver the pizzas
and nobody calls the police.
219
00:10:55,780 --> 00:10:57,110
Now, where's our first stop?
220
00:10:57,120 --> 00:10:58,408
The police station.
221
00:11:00,070 --> 00:11:04,080
_
222
00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:09,660
There are cameras everywhere.
223
00:11:09,680 --> 00:11:11,600
We can't be seen leaving those pizzas.
224
00:11:11,620 --> 00:11:13,630
But he can.
225
00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:15,680
Good thinking, Chris. All those in favor
226
00:11:15,690 --> 00:11:17,700
of Meg getting in the dead
guy's clothes with him
227
00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:20,170
and scarecrowing him
in, raise your hand.
228
00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:21,940
Fine, I'll do it.
229
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:24,059
But only 'cause I'm starved
for human contact
230
00:11:24,060 --> 00:11:25,852
and he's not fully cold yet.
231
00:11:37,700 --> 00:11:40,560
Well, if it isn't Georgie,
my fourth-best friend,
232
00:11:40,580 --> 00:11:42,040
in the weirdly gray flesh.
233
00:11:42,050 --> 00:11:44,580
Haven't seen you since
I ordered that calzone.
234
00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:47,500
Hey, I hate to be the
bearer of bad shoes,
235
00:11:47,520 --> 00:11:49,410
but your sneaker's untied.
236
00:11:56,580 --> 00:11:58,180
Hey, I heard your guitar got stolen,
237
00:11:58,190 --> 00:12:00,169
so I swiped you a new one
from the evidence locker.
238
00:12:00,170 --> 00:12:02,260
It used to belong to Martin Shkreli.
239
00:12:02,280 --> 00:12:04,849
Surprisingly soulful balladeer.
240
00:12:04,850 --> 00:12:08,120
Okay, fine, you can play
me a song to thank me.
241
00:12:11,780 --> 00:12:13,740
Hmm, I'm hearing a little Clapton
242
00:12:13,750 --> 00:12:16,820
mixed with hearing loss from
going to the gun range too much.
243
00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:19,000
We're one short on the suspect lineup.
244
00:12:19,020 --> 00:12:20,620
Know anyone who could fill in?
245
00:12:21,540 --> 00:12:22,909
Well, the perpetrator was doing
246
00:12:22,910 --> 00:12:24,520
a highly-choreographed routine
247
00:12:24,540 --> 00:12:26,240
during the assault, so number three,
248
00:12:26,260 --> 00:12:29,374
please step forward and perform
the zombie dance from "Thriller."
249
00:12:29,380 --> 00:12:31,376
Oh, come on.
250
00:12:31,380 --> 00:12:33,580
Five, six, seven, eight.
251
00:12:42,650 --> 00:12:45,080
Whew. That was close.
252
00:12:45,100 --> 00:12:47,170
I'm glad to be done delivering to places
253
00:12:47,190 --> 00:12:49,880
that are too risky to
walk a dead body into.
254
00:12:49,900 --> 00:12:52,860
- What's next?
- The cadaver dog training facility.
255
00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:57,068
_
256
00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:10,460
I've been waiting for you, Georgie.
257
00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:13,180
I haven't eaten all day.
258
00:13:22,390 --> 00:13:25,470
The pizza guy's having a secret affair.
259
00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:28,391
Oh, to be single and
dead again, huh, Chris?
260
00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:31,978
Last stop.
261
00:13:35,950 --> 00:13:38,151
I ordered another pizza.
262
00:13:42,900 --> 00:13:44,400
Thank you all for coming tonight.
263
00:13:44,420 --> 00:13:47,744
On your way out, please take
a complementary au pair.
264
00:13:47,750 --> 00:13:51,998
And, of course, au pair
is French for "with jugs."
265
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:54,550
Your husband is remarkable.
266
00:13:54,560 --> 00:13:57,010
I am hereby changing his designation
267
00:13:57,030 --> 00:14:00,100
from "charming" to "a triumph."
268
00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:01,220
Hear, hear.
269
00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:05,180
Before you, the one who'd done
the best in our group was Joan.
270
00:14:05,190 --> 00:14:07,840
She was married to a
functioning alcoholic.
271
00:14:07,860 --> 00:14:11,017
All our husbands were
Christmas suicides.
272
00:14:11,020 --> 00:14:13,850
Well, what can I say? I'm a lucky woman.
273
00:14:13,860 --> 00:14:15,860
By the way, Lois, when
we get back to our room,
274
00:14:15,870 --> 00:14:18,310
you can choose the streaming
service we watch tonight.
275
00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:19,620
Even Crackle?
276
00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:21,194
Eh, even Crackle.
277
00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:27,200
Oh, thanks for being a
great husband tonight.
278
00:14:27,220 --> 00:14:29,099
I mean, when you got
that standing ovation
279
00:14:29,100 --> 00:14:31,880
for comparing the estate
tax to the Holocaust,
280
00:14:31,900 --> 00:14:33,820
I felt like the belle of the ball.
281
00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:35,959
I really enjoyed spending
time with you, too.
282
00:14:37,180 --> 00:14:40,130
- So...
- So...
283
00:14:40,140 --> 00:14:42,960
He's a good guy. Let him down easy.
284
00:14:42,970 --> 00:14:45,400
When he goes for the kiss,
just tell him that...
285
00:14:45,420 --> 00:14:46,760
Rose Byrne!
286
00:14:46,780 --> 00:14:49,420
That's the actress I was
trying to remember earlier!
287
00:14:49,440 --> 00:14:51,169
Always good but never a star.
288
00:14:51,170 --> 00:14:53,309
Okay, I'll text Bonnie about that later.
289
00:14:57,320 --> 00:14:58,680
I want you...
290
00:14:58,700 --> 00:15:00,960
to meet the cocktail waitress
I'm about to sleep with.
291
00:15:00,970 --> 00:15:01,985
What?
292
00:15:04,060 --> 00:15:06,440
This is Jenna. You might
remember her boobs
293
00:15:06,460 --> 00:15:08,600
from hovering over your
shoulder while pouring wine.
294
00:15:08,620 --> 00:15:10,280
I know I do.
295
00:15:12,530 --> 00:15:13,690
I remember you.
296
00:15:13,700 --> 00:15:15,399
You're the lady who moved
her chair four times
297
00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:17,779
because of the air conditioning
and then asked the band
298
00:15:17,780 --> 00:15:19,280
if they could play a little quieter.
299
00:15:19,300 --> 00:15:22,410
Two maracas. We get it...
you like to shake stuff.
300
00:15:22,420 --> 00:15:24,200
But don't upstage the entr�es.
301
00:15:24,220 --> 00:15:25,600
Anyway, we're taking off now.
302
00:15:25,620 --> 00:15:26,860
Enjoy Crackle.
303
00:15:28,020 --> 00:15:29,800
I-I can't believe this.
304
00:15:29,820 --> 00:15:32,770
Well, I guess I could always
go down to the business center
305
00:15:32,790 --> 00:15:35,460
and get passively hit
on by all the losers.
306
00:15:36,060 --> 00:15:38,740
All right, that's one ticket.
307
00:15:38,750 --> 00:15:40,420
Economy plus.
308
00:15:41,790 --> 00:15:43,510
Checking bags.
309
00:15:43,520 --> 00:15:44,660
Several.
310
00:15:44,670 --> 00:15:46,780
Okay, and print.
311
00:15:47,620 --> 00:15:50,340
And... time to go home.
312
00:15:50,350 --> 00:15:53,650
I'm not staying here.
I just don't own a printer.
313
00:16:00,590 --> 00:16:02,754
Oh, look who decided to show up.
314
00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:04,620
Hey, Lois. That was some night.
315
00:16:04,640 --> 00:16:06,580
You'll be happy to know
I was able to perform
316
00:16:06,590 --> 00:16:09,270
on a four-inch-thick futon
in front of three roommates.
317
00:16:09,280 --> 00:16:12,180
You know, the hotel sent
champagne up for us last night.
318
00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:14,110
Oh, why didn't you send
it to me and Jenna?
319
00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:15,460
Well, no sense wasting it.
320
00:16:16,180 --> 00:16:17,780
Ah...
321
00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:19,579
Hey, did you end up
working out in the morning
322
00:16:19,580 --> 00:16:20,699
like you said you were gonna?
323
00:16:20,700 --> 00:16:23,420
What was it, 40 minutes
cardio, then a Pilates class?
324
00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:24,560
Did you do both of those?
325
00:16:24,570 --> 00:16:27,080
No, I didn't do both of those.
326
00:16:27,090 --> 00:16:29,760
- So just one?
- I did neither of them.
327
00:16:29,780 --> 00:16:32,120
Ouch. Well, thanks
again for inviting me.
328
00:16:32,140 --> 00:16:34,060
This has been fun.
329
00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:35,720
First pee afterwards.
330
00:16:35,740 --> 00:16:37,080
Whoa!
331
00:16:37,100 --> 00:16:39,120
Lois, I'm using all the towels.
332
00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:47,400
... and then I said, "Not today, geese,"
333
00:16:47,410 --> 00:16:49,919
and I landed that passenger
plane on the Hudson.
334
00:16:49,920 --> 00:16:52,290
As someone who didn't
watch the news in 2009
335
00:16:52,300 --> 00:16:54,160
and doesn't care for Tom Hanks films,
336
00:16:54,180 --> 00:16:57,517
that is the most riveting
story I have ever heard.
337
00:16:57,520 --> 00:17:00,640
Ladies and gentleman, this is
your brunch captain speaking.
338
00:17:00,660 --> 00:17:02,620
It's gonna be a bumpy ride, 'cause...
339
00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:04,740
I'm making mimosas.
340
00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:06,280
Only thing bumpy around here
341
00:17:06,290 --> 00:17:08,480
is that strained airplane metaphor.
342
00:17:08,500 --> 00:17:10,820
What is this, Mutters
Against Drunk Driving?
343
00:17:10,830 --> 00:17:12,031
Lois, have a drink.
344
00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:14,340
Ladies, I took the liberty
of requesting our meal
345
00:17:14,360 --> 00:17:16,500
be soy-free, meat-free, gluten-free,
346
00:17:16,510 --> 00:17:19,420
dairy-free, cage-free,
carb-free and cruelty-free.
347
00:17:19,440 --> 00:17:21,040
And then I snuck you
each a cinnamon bun,
348
00:17:21,050 --> 00:17:23,042
because all that other
stuff's for Democrats.
349
00:17:23,050 --> 00:17:25,220
Oh, he's wonderful.
350
00:17:25,230 --> 00:17:27,130
Lois, where did you find him?
351
00:17:27,140 --> 00:17:29,060
Oh, you think he's so wonderful?
352
00:17:29,070 --> 00:17:31,551
Last night he screwed
the cocktail waitress.
353
00:17:36,230 --> 00:17:39,960
I'm sorry, ladies. I have deceived you.
354
00:17:39,970 --> 00:17:41,940
So I'll just collect my free au pair.
355
00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:45,260
And one for my wife.
356
00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:47,420
And I'll be on my way.
357
00:17:50,550 --> 00:17:51,720
What is your problem?
358
00:17:51,740 --> 00:17:53,810
- Get away from me.
- What's going on with you?
359
00:17:53,820 --> 00:17:55,460
I thought I made such a good impression.
360
00:17:55,480 --> 00:17:59,120
- We had those ladies fooled.
- Just leave me alone, Glenn.
361
00:17:59,130 --> 00:18:01,780
I did exactly what you wanted.
I didn't make a move.
362
00:18:01,790 --> 00:18:02,874
I didn't even come close.
363
00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:05,126
That's the problem.
364
00:18:05,130 --> 00:18:06,711
You wanted me to?
365
00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:09,964
Well, I... I wanted you to try.
366
00:18:11,390 --> 00:18:13,520
I wanted you to try.
367
00:18:13,540 --> 00:18:16,800
Then I could shoot you down
and feel sexually desirable
368
00:18:16,820 --> 00:18:18,470
and morally superior.
369
00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:20,558
But you're both those things.
370
00:18:20,560 --> 00:18:22,060
Yeah, you say that now,
371
00:18:22,070 --> 00:18:25,040
but last night you were
out boinking that waitress.
372
00:18:25,060 --> 00:18:27,220
Now, how do you think
that made me feel, huh?
373
00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:29,901
It made me feel like my
best years are behind me.
374
00:18:29,910 --> 00:18:32,500
Well, that's not true at all.
I didn't make a move on you
375
00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:34,322
because you're my best friend's wife.
376
00:18:34,330 --> 00:18:37,325
That... that is true.
377
00:18:37,330 --> 00:18:38,940
Besides, you know me.
378
00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:40,540
I'm not a one-gal guy.
379
00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:42,820
Last night I was with Jenna
for only four hours,
380
00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:44,420
and I cheated on her with the woman
381
00:18:44,430 --> 00:18:45,900
who was fixing the ice machine.
382
00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:47,752
Hands were a little cold,
but we got there.
383
00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:49,320
I used that ice.
384
00:18:49,340 --> 00:18:50,963
Hopefully before 2:30 a.m.
385
00:18:50,970 --> 00:18:52,840
Look, if you wanted a decent guy
386
00:18:52,860 --> 00:18:54,730
who's only been into you and only you,
387
00:18:54,750 --> 00:18:55,929
you should have brought Peter.
388
00:18:55,930 --> 00:18:58,860
You know what? You're right.
389
00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:00,890
So what if he drinks too much?
390
00:19:00,900 --> 00:19:02,710
So what if he weighs too much?
391
00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:05,720
So what if he thinks
Scrappy-Doo is the better Doo?
392
00:19:05,740 --> 00:19:08,920
He's a loyal husband and a good man.
393
00:19:08,940 --> 00:19:11,859
Oh, I should never have been
embarrassed to bring him.
394
00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:14,840
And I shouldn't need the
attention of another man
395
00:19:14,860 --> 00:19:17,740
- to feel sexy and young.
- That's right.
396
00:19:17,750 --> 00:19:21,100
Hey, why don't we continue
our discussion in the shower?
397
00:19:21,120 --> 00:19:24,530
- A little wet-�-t�te.
- How dare you?
398
00:19:24,540 --> 00:19:26,940
And thank you.
399
00:19:36,890 --> 00:19:38,450
All right, Lois is gonna be home soon,
400
00:19:38,470 --> 00:19:39,960
so we got to fix this now.
401
00:19:39,980 --> 00:19:41,620
Why don't we just shove
him in the sewer,
402
00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:43,320
let the clowns have at him?
403
00:19:43,340 --> 00:19:46,620
I'm good with anything that
keeps Pennywise off my jock.
404
00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:47,920
Sounds like a plan.
405
00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:53,810
Hold on, Peter. This feels wrong.
406
00:19:53,820 --> 00:19:56,590
We can't just dump him
facedown into raw sewage
407
00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:58,239
without saying a few words.
408
00:19:59,100 --> 00:20:01,492
You're right, Brian. I'll do the honors.
409
00:20:04,170 --> 00:20:06,420
It feels like just yesterday
410
00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:09,700
when he came into our lives
carrying a pizza we bought.
411
00:20:09,720 --> 00:20:12,880
I always loved how he looked
around the house a little too much
412
00:20:12,900 --> 00:20:14,880
while I was digging the
money out of my wallet.
413
00:20:14,900 --> 00:20:17,900
And who can forget his
license plate number:
414
00:20:17,920 --> 00:20:20,700
7-G-something-something-5.
415
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:22,920
More sweat than you're
used to seeing on a fella,
416
00:20:22,940 --> 00:20:25,680
but that's what
moisture-wicking shirts are for.
417
00:20:25,700 --> 00:20:29,360
His nails were dirty,
but his heart was pure.
418
00:20:29,380 --> 00:20:31,773
Okay, time to drop him
in a river of dung.
419
00:20:35,450 --> 00:20:37,100
He's stuck!
420
00:20:37,120 --> 00:20:38,560
Oh, crap, it's Lois.
421
00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:41,760
Peter, what the hell is going on?
422
00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:44,600
You ordered pizza, didn't you?
423
00:20:44,620 --> 00:20:47,205
- Yes, ma'am.
- Oh, I don't care.
424
00:20:47,210 --> 00:20:48,980
I love you, Peter.
425
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:50,060
Mm.
426
00:20:50,070 --> 00:20:52,320
And I have a confession for you:
427
00:20:52,340 --> 00:20:54,600
I went to my high school
reunion this weekend,
428
00:20:54,620 --> 00:20:56,440
and I didn't invite you.
429
00:20:56,450 --> 00:20:57,632
What?
430
00:20:57,640 --> 00:21:00,680
Thank you. Oh, thank you!
431
00:21:01,969 --> 00:21:06,960
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
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