Original subtitles

No! Dodge it!

Where are your mum and dad? How should I know?

There's more to that girl than you know.

What are you playing at?

No!

SHOUTING

Now he comes alive.

Oi, stop there! Come here!

Only God can help those children now.

Right! Fagin's the name, pleased to meet you, my dears.

Oh, you've got a home, have you?

Well, it's gone. Burnt down.

It was like Bonfire Night. No survivors.

You'll have to make do with here,

start an orphanage without the beds.

Fagin! Listen, listen!

WHISPERING: Shut up! Bill.

Oh, yeah. Shush, shush, shush.

You'll wake the kids up.

Shh! What are you doing here?

I've just been talking to an old mate of mine

down the pub and I've got a job on.

And it's a big 'un. So, I'm going to need them two new

sprats tomorrow night.

Tomorrow night?

I'm not a miracle worker, Bill.

These things take time.

The kid's had a bit of a knock.

It turns out the orphanage down Smeaton Street

that burnt down used to be his gaffe.

And the girl, well, I mean, she's straight out of the nest.

Still got the country shine on her.

So, what? Well, they'll need a couple of weeks training

before I let them loose in front of the public.

What are you talking about? Polly says that the boy's very

quick with his mitts, a real wizard with the cards,

and if you can shuffle cards, you can shuffle pockets.

Yeah, but it's giving him the guts to do it, in't it?

That's what takes time. Give him half the guts in half the time!

I need four extra hands, right?

What are they going to be doing?

You get them ready

and then I'll tell you, yeah?

I don't want you stealing my thunder.

Mm?

Goodnight! Come on, Bullseye.

GRUNTING

THUNDER RUMBLES

PANTING

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Bless the Queen! God save the Queen!

The time for change is now.

We must fight for our rights.

My father lost his life defending an empire that couldn't care

less about him.

We need a revolution!

Kick down the palace doors, let the people

flood in and take what we've paid for in taxes and blood.

What's going on over there?

We must abolish the monarchy and create a fair and equal

Republic of Great Britain! Oi.

Off your box. I'm exercising my freedom of speech.

Not around here you ain't. Come on, off it.

Go on. Everyone else, go home.

Don't listen to that. Dirty words about the queen.

Home. Come on. Home. We should have arrested her.

I don't trust her.

I'm going to follow her.

BELL TOLLS

What are you doing in my bed?

Hey? Come on! Get off!

Ow, you're hurting me! Good!

Oi, leave it out! Oi!

Tom, ha! What are you doing here?

So, you've replaced me already, have you? I've kept my mouth shut

for you, for all of you!

And this is how I'm repaid? Hang about, you're not due to be released

from prison till tomorrow.

I escaped, didn't I?

A day before your release?

Why? The escape plan took longer than I thought.

How much longer?

About six months.

FAGIN SNORTS

It's not funny!

I had to dig through the walls with this, a toffee hammer.

Well, it's nice to see you, my dear.

Now, shake hands. We're all on the same side here.

Who is he anyway? I don't know.

What's your name?

Jack. Oh, we're not having another Jack in the gang. Why not?

I've had a lot down the years and they've all

ended up dead or worse. Worse?

One of them joined the police force.

We'll have to call you something else, a dodgy name

for a dodgy geezer.

Ha! I've got it.

Dodger.

That's not fair.

He's been here two minutes, he's got a nickname already.

You never use my nickname.

That's cos it's stupid.

What's stupid about Mr Walnut?

It suits me.

I'm hard as nuts and I'm a nutter.

I'm not calling you that.

People will think you're a squirrel!

Oi, oi.

If I catch you sleeping in my kipping spot again, Dodger...

..I'll finish you off for real.

Right, come on, we don't want to miss the busiest time of the day.

Busiest time for what? Work, my dears. Work!

Work? I knew there'd be a catch.

What sort of work are we doing, then? How can I put this?

We're pocket rummagers.

What? Watch lifters.

Ragged magpies with a beady eye on all that glitters.

Hang on. You're criminals!

Oh, we don't like that word.

No, we never say the F-word. F-word? Thieves.

Look, there's nicking and there's nicking.

We're somewhere in between.

We only steal from people who won't miss it.

We skim a snuff box here, a handkerchief there,

maybe a few coins. But at the end of the day,

we put it in a big pot and give it to the poor.

Yeah, us. We're a family, see, and like a family,

we look after each other.

That's nice.

Come on.

Who are you? Don't you know how to knock?

Oh, police.

I let myself in and yes, I do know how to knock.

See? Now, I weren't happy about those dirty words

you were saying outside about the Queen, yeah?

There's been a lot of death threats against her lately,

and I need to check everyone out. That's why I'm here.

Sir, let me assure you, I don't like the Queen and I believe

in social equality, but I'd never wish her harm. Mm.

OK, thanks very much. Sorry to have kept you.

Oh.

Now, that is a very sharp knife. You want to be careful

where you throw that.

One time I nearly sliced my finger off chopping an egg.

I will.

It was a boiled egg.

Thanks.

She's all right.

Come here. Now, listen.

We are pickpockets.

And pickpocketing is like a dance.

You've got to find the right partner, learn the moves.

First, you need a target.

Someone without their wits about 'em, someone with their guard down.

Someone doing two things at the same time.

Look! See that woman there wasting water on leafy things.

Now, your job is to pinch that lady's purse

without being caught. I'm not doing that!

Yes, you are. I'm going to make you do it. No, I'm not! Why not?

I don't take things that don't belong to me.

You're a country girl, in't you?

Have you ever filched eggs off a hen?

Have you? Yeah, but that's... Well, this is just the same, only

it's coins in pockets. Tang's on lookout.

I don't want to be on lookout. It's not fair.

I want to steal things.

Oh, Tang, you have stolen something.

You've stolen my heart. Now get on lookout!

What if we don't want to do it?

What if we don't want to do it?

Listen, if we don't rob, we don't get food.

If we don't get food, we don't eat.

If we don't eat, we starve. If we starve, we die.

Do you want to die?

I didn't think so. Get on with it!

I don't want to do this.

Nor me.

We've got no choice, do we, Charley?

Let's just do a runner. Keep it down.

He's watching us.

I'll do the talking. You nick the purse.

What?

Oh, hello, Miss. Oh.

Yeah, it's a lovely day, ain't it? Is it?

I'm an orphan.

Oh, boohoo.

Um, want to see a magic trick?

No, I hate magic.

Oh, go on!

Well, make it quick, I ain't paying you!

All right, all right. Come on!

Pick a card, any card. Here you go.

You're wasting your time, mate. You're wasting your time.

I shuffle them, right?

Then I'll give them a little more of a shuffle. Any more shuffling,

I'll shuffle off. No, just a little bit more, don't worry.

Oi! Trying to rob from me, were you?

Well, you'll have to try harder than that to get this purse!

Ha! They've done it.

Let's go.

Where did they go? No, please! Go away.

I see you.

Come out from there, you little thieves.

You're not going to get away with this!

What do you reckon?

I reckon you should stop training up those poor nippers

to do your dirty work, Fagin.

You know each other? Unfortunately, yeah.

I'm his landlord.

But not for much longer if he don't cough up his rent.

I told you, day after tomorrow.

Me and Bill have got a big 'un on the boil. Yeah, yeah.

You always say that.

What do you reckon? My new spinners. Their first tinkle?

Very impressive.

Didn't feel a whisper. Like being robbed by a fairy.

Looks like you passed the test. Test?

You mean we've got to do that again?

Yeah, in this game there's hundreds of pockets to be picked.

Yeah, and I've done most of them already.

Oi, Min! We're gasping in here.

Yeah, yeah. All right. I'm coming.

Come on. I'll buy you a drink.

No, not you again!

LAUGHTER AND CHATTER

I'm getting you one, don't you worry! In the corner.

Go. Chop, chop, corner.

Come on. Min!

Dandelion and burdocks for the kids.

Tom! Shh!

Tom! Shh, I'm on the run!

HE HUMS ENTHUSIASTICALLY

Little dancing boy!

Come on!

Get in here!

Quiet! I said quiet!

Or you'll be wearing Bullseye's jewels around your neck.

Look who just got out of the nick.

It's Tom Chitling!

CHEERING

All right, Tom? Now, he went inside a boy

and he come out a... Well, I was going to say man,

but we're not quite there yet, are we, Tom?

LAUGHTER

Now, not only did he take the rap for me,

but he took it for a fair few of yous and all,

and you know who you are.

So, to celebrate, the next round is on Fagin!

CHEERING

What?

SHOUTING

So, how does it feel to be a free man?

Well, it would have felt a lot better if I hadn't have found

that twerp in my bed.

Yeah, well, you're going to have to whip them all back into shape.

Yeah? Show them who's boss!

Yeah? Like woo! Woo! Woo!

How am I supposed to feed this lot if you keep slapping me

with a bar bill?

Money will be no object this time tomorrow.

Trust me, I've got a plan on the bubble.

A good one.

SHEEP BLEATS

Morning, Mrs Grundles.

Good morning, Sally.

Shall we?

You mentioned last time that Charley needed new boots?

Yes, that's right.

Oh, she grows faster than a nettle in a bog patch, that girl.

And new boots are ever so expensive these days.

Ever so expensive.

Oh, but how I love her.

Oh! Do you know, she's like a daughter to me

or a second cousin twice removed.

I didn't see her in the field this morning.

Well, that's because she is in the barn,

helping the cows with their udders.

One of them's got a bit of a blockage.

No, she isn't.

Otis, go and shovel some dung.

Why do I have to do it?

Because I said so!

If she hadn't upped and run off to London,

I wouldn't be shovelling cowpat all day!

Who's upped and run off to London? Charley's run off, has she?

No, no, no. He talks a lot of cobblers.

Mr Grundles dropped him on his bonce once too many times

when he were a nipper. You're lying.

She has, hasn't she? She's gone.

You were supposed to look after her. That's what you're paid for!

All right. So, she has run off, but it's not my fault

she's had her head turned by some lad.

Well, where's she gone?

Last I heard she was heading for an orphanage. An orphanage?

Which one? How should I know?

I should never have trusted you.

She wouldn't have run off if you'd treated her well.

Oh, you cheeky mare. Treating her well?!

You've got some flaming nerve, haven't you?

We all know your secret!

You stupid, stupid boy!

YELLING

Get your latest gossip right here!

Queen Victoria to meet own waxwork at Madame Tussauds exhibition.

Duff, Blathers, I have here an anonymous letter threatening

the Queen's life.

Tomorrow she is unveiling

her waxwork at Madame Tussauds.

I need you to get down there and check security immediately.

No, sir, it's the end of our shift! Yeah.

Not any more it isn't!

The Queen's life depends on you.

Voila!

Le salle historique.

Madam, we're here to give a quick reconnaissance, check every cranny

before the royal visit tomorrow.

Anything I can do to help Monsieur "Blazers", Monsieur "Doof".

Right, now, listen and listen good.

There's going to be a big old crowd down at

Madame Tussauds Waxwork Museum tomorrow morning.

They look just like the real people, don't they? Who's that?

Napoleon Bonaparte, of course.

Queen Victoria herself is popping

down the gaffe to have a look at her own waxwork.

Who's that?

William Shakespeare. Oh!

It's going to be crammed with toffs so you can forget picking

snot rags out of pockets. It'll be pound notes, jewelled snuff boxes

all the way.

Who's that?

Queen Elizabeth. Oh!

What about these two? I mean, they don't know what they're doing.

We need a big gang.

More hands means more pickings.

Make it work.

If you've got any questions, ask the others.

They'll help you. Won't you?

Who's that?

That is my assistant.

Afternoon. All right?

Do you mind if we have a look back there?

That door leads to my workshop upstairs.

It is not for the public. Madame,

we're not the public, we're the police.

Doof, this way.

Do not touch anything.

No, we won't. It's fine.

CLATTERING

Merci.

CLATTERING

Sorry!

Bill, screw your head on.

It is risky. Security's going to be well tight.

We'll never make it past the front door.

So, this is my workshop.

How long does it take to make one of these waxwork dollies, then?

Three or four months.

Cor, blimey. You can have half a baby in that time.

You're going to sneak in another way, Bill's way.

Tonight. Tonight?

Well, it all seems watertight as far as security's concerned.

Secure.

We've secured the perimeter.

Uh-huh. Doof, you happy? Is it secure? Yeah.

It looks secure to me, sir. It's secured. Yeah.

So, you'll have nothing to worry about cos we are the best police

force London has to offer.

We're the only police force London has to offer.

It takes a lot to startle us.

BANGING AND SCREAMING

Who's that?!

It is only the wishy-washy window man.

Now, as it happens, an old cellmate of mine works as a window

cleaner at Madame Tussauds Waxwork Museum.

He says that there's a skylight on the roof.

What he's going to do is leave a ladder right on the side,

you lot will scarper up, go in, wait out the night inside.

Once the morning crowds pour in, you get amongst them,

fill your boots, climb back out the roof, job done.

I can't do the job tomorrow. And why's that? Because I'm on the run,

remember? If I get caught, I'll go straight back inside and it'll

be a double stretch this time.

You better make sure you don't get caught, then!

What's under there, then? No, no, no!

Who's that? This is Queen Victoria.

Oh, looks a bit pale.

Looks like she needs a kip and some carrots.

She's not finished.

I have to beautify her, which is why I must get back to my work.

Oh, only 15 hours to go.

Right, final minutiae. Eh?

Bill's smudging out on the roof, anything goes bandy

inside, you speak to Tom.

He's number one when I'm not around.

Good luck.

Let's go.

You'll be fine, my dear.

What are you looking at?

DOG WHINES

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

LAUGHTER

This had better be good.

I'm having a party. Sit.

Your Majesty, I am sorry to trouble you at this hour, but I wish to talk

to you about the royal visit that you have planned.

Really, must we? Yeah. Well, go on, then. What of it?

I seriously advise you to think twice before attending.

Thinking once, thinking twice.

Nope, I'm still going.

Going where? What visit is this?

Oh, that funny French woman Madame Thingamajig has made

me into a waxwork. Sit.

Surely the chamber of horrors is full already?

Bertie!

This is my cousin, Bertie.

Also my fiancee.

Good evening, sir. One should not change one's plans for fear of

what may or may not happen.

I am the queen and ruler of the Empire so I can do whatever

I like, which includes invading any country I fancy

or attending the unveiling of my waxwork,

whether I'm advised to or not.

I see.

Delivery for you, Madame. Delivery?

I'm not expecting anything.

Plaster, materials. I did not order this.

It must be a mistake.

Leave it till the morning, I am too busy.

Shh, shh! Shh! Hush!

Shh, shh, shh!

Just finally...

Perfect.

MUFFLED: OK, good.

Frank, take Her Majesty to the exhibition hall.

She is finally ready.

Magnifique, huh?

Who is this man?

He's boring. Mm, chief of police or something silly.

Your Majesty, forgive me.

Have you actually read this letter?

The one that says I'm going to be killed tomorrow?

Yes. I get crackpot letters like that every week

and I'm still here, aren't I?

With all due respect, ma'am, I really think you should cancel

all public engagements.

Mm.

No. It is worth being shot at to see how much one is loved.

Well...

HE MIMICS GUNSHOT

Right.

Now's our chance.

Now you sure you girls can handle it?

Any more comments like that and your face will be having a date

with that pavement. Yeah, all right!

Who's going first?

We didn't win the Battle of Waterloo by postponing an appointment.

No, we won with defiance and courage.

I know, Ma'am. I was there.

And it is with that same defiance and courage that I will go

and visit my waxy self tomorrow.

Come what may. Hm?

Malta! Malta?

That's where I shall invade next.

It's already yours, ma'am.

Is it? Mm.

Oh, good!

Hi!

Right. Come on, you first.

Come on!

Why do I have to go first? Cos I said so! Move.

Hurry up!

Don't forget. Keep quiet.

You've got posh pockets to pick first thing in the morning.

Yeah?

Girl.

Come on, you sprat! Move! Tang, Tang!

Here we go.

DOOR OPENS

Someone's coming!

Come out now. She's gone.

Chitling. Yeah. Come on.

It's a long way down, Bill. Come on.

Yeah, all right.

HE YELPS

This place is creepy.

Have a nice night.

SCREAMING

Wah, wah, wah, wah! Shh! Shut up!

This is serious.

Yeah?

I ain't going back to the nick for you.

All right? Now...

..follow me.

Come on!

PIANO PLAYS

Home time!

Yeah, yeah, I'm going.

Oh, please, please, please stop. You're giving me a gut's ache.

You can't even play the piano.

I'm sad, Minnie.

Sadness follows me like a shadow.

Why are you even here?

You've got the place to yourself, the kids are out on a job

for the night, make the most of the peace and quiet!

I don't like peace and quiet. I like noise.

Dogs donging, bells barking, noise and confusion.

I hate being left alone with me thoughts.

KEYS JANGLE DISCORDANTLY Do you want to talk about it?

Look, Fagin, I might be a ruthless boot when it comes to business

and beer barrels, but I've got a heart in here...somewhere.

Lucky you.

I lost mine a long time ago.

PIANO KEYS JANGLE

That's my tea cup!

Shh, shh, shh, shh!

Spooky-looking things, ain't they? Look at that one.

Tom! No, Tom!

Oh, look what you've done! What are you like?

We're going to get caught! What did you do that for?

What if you've wrecked it? Shut up!

DISTANT TALKING

Hide!

There's nowhere to hide!

In here, innit?

SIGHING

One little sip to warm me cockle.

So, how long does the night watch last, then?

All night, of course.

That's why it's called night watch, Doof.

Why do we have to stay here all night?

It's not like the waxworks are going to cause any trouble, is it?

Someone threatened to kill the queen

at the unveiling, ain't they?

Why would they want to do that?

Why would anyone want to kill our queen?

She's lovely.

Some people don't like the royals. Why not?

Cos they got more than us, ain't they? And they think

that we should all be equal, like in France,

where they chopped off the king's nodel

and all the toffs, they got their noddles

sliced off, too. Chh, chh, chh! All gone.

Hang on.

What if the Queen killer... Yeah?

Right? Is like in this room, disguised as one of the wax works.

I read a story in the penny paper about a bloke who got trapped

in a wax work place.

Next morning, he was dead.

They reckon it was one of the waxworks.

You know what? I'm just going to go to the privy. No, no, no, no.

No, no. No, please. Duff, stop it.

BUMPING

Oh!

What was that?

Shh, shh!

It came from over there.

By Queen Elizabeth. All right, all right.

I'll lift and you strike!

Go, go, go, go! Get it, get it! YELLING

Get it, get it, get it!

Get it!

YELLING

You've got it! There's nothing there! Got it?

There's nothing there. What was it? Nothing there.

HE BELCHES

I need to go to the toilet! You can't. Not yet.

Oh, but it always happens when I play hide and seek.

This isn't hide and seek, this is serious. We could die!

Shh!

Now, stay quiet until the morning. Shh!

Today, is a momentous occasion for the Metropolitan Police,

being asked to protect Her Majesty the Queen.

We are ready.

Not since the Battle of Waterloo have I faced such a gargantuan task.

You men, you will be my troops.

I want every person who enters the building checked for concealed

weapons, no matter how innocent they appear to be.

There is a clear and present danger to the queen.

Be on your guard.

The future of the monarchy depends on you.

Checked.

Off you go, sir. Thank you.

Yes, is he all right? He's all right, got nice knees.

This is nice, where did you get this from?

Market?

CHEERING

God save the Queen!

God save the Queen!

Turn around. Keep turning.

Just turn him around. Keep turning. Yeah, he's done. Good, good.

Enjoy the show. No, that way. It's that way, mate.

Stay vigilant, Ma'am.

That's your job.

Come to see the dollies, yeah? It's clean. Is it?

Yeah. It's pretty clean, it's a clean beard.

What are you finding? He's got a truncheon!

Oh, no, he's one of us. Oh. He's one of us. He's one of us.

OK, come on. All right. Come on.

All right, this is it.

We get out there, blend in and pick as many toffs'

pockets as we can.

Here I go.

Right, now's the time. If anything goes wrong, I'll do that,

got to get out as quick as you can. All right?

Let's go. Good luck.

Enjoy the show. See you later.

Guilty!

SHE MOUTHS

QUIETLY: Get on with it!

What? What are you doing? Thief!

Thief!

They're going to find us!

There he is!

WHISTLE BLOWS

All right. Where did he go? Where did he go? Which way?

I don't want to do this. Me neither.

There you are. What was you thinking? You completely bottled it!

We spent all night hiding out for nothing.

Some leader you are. Shut up. All right? No-one disrespected me

like that in the nick. I was king of the cage.

Yeah, maybe. But out here you're king of the cowards.

Yeah.

Let's go. What about the other two?

Let's go! Leave them.

Hurry up!

Ah! Your Royal Highness.

Welcome.

You are honoured to have me here.

When do I get a waxwork of me?

Oh, yes, can I get a spare one

to take to parties when Albert's too tired?

APPLAUSE

After many months of hard work, I present to you -

yourself.

GASPING

Yes, you may well gasp.

It is as if they were separated at birth. No?

SHE GASPS

Are you trying to make me a laughing stock?

No, Your Majesty! Do my eyes look east to India

and west to the Americas?

Let's go, let's get out of here! Yeah!

This is not how I left the figure!

I assure Your Majesty, someone has tampered with it!

Waterloo, I was there.

Please.

I am but a poor French artist,

Your Majesty.

I beg of you!

GASPING

SHOUTING

Stop the assassin!

Check the rooms upstairs! Go!

Oi!

Bill! Bill!

SNORING

Bill, we need the ladder!

Looks like Bill isn't coming.

What did you stop me for?

You were going to kill the Queen.

I was doing it for us!

Us? Yes, the poor.

The unwashed.

Up the stairs, quick!

I had a plan all worked out and you ruined it!

I just don't see how killing the queen helps.

Because all of our taxes pay for her palaces and parties.

We're forced to work until we drop,

and what do we get in return?

Nothing!

I don't see her rushing to help every child who dies of starvation,

every mother who's forced to give birth in the gutter!

But shooting her is a bit much, innit?

Couldn't you just sit down and have a natter?

He's down there.

He's down there! The time for a natter has passed.

This is it. Hang on! In here!

Open this door now! Open this door! We are the police!

I wanted the whole world to watch.

I wanted there to be a waxwork of me!

One day I will go down in history!

Maud Hawk will be remembered as the woman who destroyed the monarchy

and brought about a fairer society!

No!

Bull's-eye!

Come on! Charley, go, hurry up!

Oh!

No, no, come here!

Right, come on. Down!

Break it down! Break it down!

GRUNTING

Oh, go again. Gentlemen! Step aside!

SHE ROARS

Stay back, madam!

Leave this to us! Where did they go? They must have got out on the roof!

Come on, let's get up there!

Hurry up! Move, move!

Go on. Get down, get down!

Move, move!

POLICE WHISTLE BLOWS

Run! Run!

Oh, gate!

WHISTLE

All right. Fagin's is this way. Fagin?

I ain't going back there. That man's a bad 'un!

I'd rather kip on the streets.

This ain't the countryside.

This is London.

And one night out in the open could be your last.

Come here, come here!

That's them! Let's go!

He was supposed to be protecting me! Your Majesty,

it was a temporary lapse of concentration, and one I deeply

regret. You were acting as if you were on a day trip, gawping

at the waxworks, you didn't even buy a ticket!

I have a good mind to relieve you of your post.

But I won't, cos you're a war hero or something, apparently,

and because I'm feeling generous.

But take this as a warning, Sir Charles.

Of course, Your Majesty, thank you.

I can assure you that I and my police force will do all we can

to apprehend the culprit.

Yes. You'd better.

Perhaps if Your Majesty could describe the person you saw

carrying the pistol in his hand?

Small. Common.

About ten years old. Wore a top hat.

Top hat? Yes, a top hat.

Did he look anything like this?

Oh!

That's him, that's the boy who tried to kill me.

Polly, where's Dodger? I don't know, do I?

Why don't you know? Because I was robbing. I can't babysit

and rob, I've got enough to do. Fair point.

Tang, what happened?

I don't know.

What are you doing?

I'm pickpocketing, just to prove to you I can still do it!

It's too late for that.

You should have kept your fingers nimble before you muffed the job up.

The damage is done.

Look, I'm sorry, all right?

You were in charge. I can't believe you left the new kids behind.

Yeah, yeah.

You can talk! Me?

Yeah, you!

The place was crawling with coppers.

I had to get out of there fast.

If I get caught, it's a death sentence for me.

Fagin, Fagin!

And you.

What, and me! I'm the one who's only just got out the nick!

You know we're never going to see those two again, don't you?

They were good little learners, showed potential.

They've probably joined another gang now,

the Toshes or the Mud Larks.

They know our names, where we live.

What if they rat on us?

BANGING

Someone's coming!

Hello?

You've come back.

Where else were we going to go?

Anyone see you?

No.

So, how did you do?

Well, I...

I saved the Queen's life.

So what?

I thought you'd be proud.

I can't eat pride, can I?

So, that's it? That's the whole story?

I don't even like the monarchy.

Bunch of cake-eating parasites as far as I'm concerned.

Oh, there is one more thing.

I nicked this purse from Madame Tussaud.

If you want it?

Tom.

You've got some competition with the old Dodger here.

You've just bought yourself a bed for life, son.

And you, good girl.

Polly, open the tin of peaches.

It's party time.

LAUGHTER

Read all about it! Chief of police under pressure to hunt

down child criminal!

Read all about it!

Urgh!