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1
00:00:24,040 --> 00:00:26,880
My friend.
Look at that.
2
00:00:27,440 --> 00:00:28,520
Same old.
Same old.
3
00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:31,800
The specials come in every week.
You're here every day now.
4
00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:34,160
Someone once told me
5
00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:36,960
there's a coffee you can buy,
made of poop.
6
00:00:37,720 --> 00:00:40,240
I know what you're thinking of.
It's not coffee made of poop.
7
00:00:40,320 --> 00:00:41,720
It's coffee
made from coffee.
8
00:00:42,320 --> 00:00:44,960
Okay, well, my information
was very wrong indeed.
9
00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:46,880
No. No, no, no.
I know what you're thinking of.
10
00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:49,680
There's this coffee
called Kopi Luwak.
11
00:00:49,760 --> 00:00:51,320
which is made
from coffee cherries
12
00:00:51,480 --> 00:00:54,160
that have been
through the intestines of a civet.
13
00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:56,560
Fuck off, Jay.
14
00:00:56,800 --> 00:00:58,360
Fool me once,
shame on you.
15
00:00:58,440 --> 00:01:01,600
Fool me twice, shame on me.
I'll have the Kenyan peaberry.
16
00:01:01,680 --> 00:01:02,760
It's true.
17
00:01:03,120 --> 00:01:05,120
I'll have a stick
of gender detecting gum.
18
00:01:05,320 --> 00:01:08,440
You think I just made up
the name "kopi luwak"?
19
00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:12,040
Yes. You didn't even really bother
trying to make it convincing.
20
00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:14,560
- Kopi wak-wak.
- Luwak.
21
00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:18,280
- Through the bowels of the civet.
- Yep. Look it up.
22
00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:21,160
No, because then
you'll just say,
23
00:01:21,240 --> 00:01:23,200
"My God, he actually
tried to look it up."
24
00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:24,680
I'll look it up.
25
00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:26,200
You have to show me.
26
00:01:26,480 --> 00:01:29,520
Can't just say, "yeah, there it is",
and put your phone back in your pocket.
27
00:01:29,680 --> 00:01:33,040
That is literally why I'm looking it up,
to show you.
28
00:01:36,880 --> 00:01:38,400
Jesus Christ.
29
00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:40,720
And we wonder
why we have viruses.
30
00:01:40,840 --> 00:01:43,440
A cup of that will cost you
40 bucks or so.
31
00:01:43,560 --> 00:01:45,120
- For real?
- For real.
32
00:01:46,360 --> 00:01:47,600
Oh. I'd buy it,
if you sold it.
33
00:01:47,680 --> 00:01:48,720
Why?
34
00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:50,720
I like you, Jay.
I want to help the business.
35
00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:53,240
That will cost me,
like, 30 dollars per cup.
36
00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:55,840
- You wouldn't be helping me.
- So, charge 50.
37
00:01:57,040 --> 00:01:59,640
You are the only customer I have
who has 50 bucks to spend
38
00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:00,880
on a cup of coffee.
39
00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:02,640
They have the 50 bucks.
40
00:02:02,720 --> 00:02:04,600
They just don't want
anyone to know they have it.
41
00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:07,160
That's your demographic.
Too many liberals,
42
00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:11,160
feminists, vegans, cyclists,
the wrong kind of gay.
43
00:02:11,320 --> 00:02:13,800
Please tell me what
the right kind of gay is.
44
00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:15,960
The ones who like
to spend a ton of money
45
00:02:16,040 --> 00:02:17,840
looking good and living it up.
46
00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:21,280
You think that kind of gay wants
to spend 50 bucks on civet poop?
47
00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:22,520
That doesn't make them
look good.
48
00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:26,280
You literally just told me
that it's coffee, not poop.
49
00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:28,800
I was trying to use shorthand
for comic purposes.
50
00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:30,800
And before I get myself
into hot water,
51
00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:32,160
I wasn't talking about you.
52
00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:35,160
You look good, but I know you don't
spend a lot of money on looking good.
53
00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:36,480
I don't have
a lot of money.
54
00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:39,160
And by the way,
I'm not gay.
55
00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:41,720
What?
56
00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:43,440
What the hell are you, then?
57
00:02:43,520 --> 00:02:46,280
- I'm an ace.
- A what now?
58
00:02:46,360 --> 00:02:48,920
- Asexual.
- That's not a thing.
59
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:51,840
Oh, my God.
Sometimes I feel like I'm talking
60
00:02:51,920 --> 00:02:53,600
to Humphrey Bogart
or someone.
61
00:02:53,680 --> 00:02:55,600
Well, I'm sure
there are asexual worms,
62
00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:57,600
but there aren't
any asexual people.
63
00:02:57,680 --> 00:02:59,160
Then how come
I'm an ace?
64
00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:00,600
- You're not.
- I am.
65
00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:02,800
I have no desire for sex.
66
00:03:02,880 --> 00:03:05,000
Only romantic,
platonic relationships.
67
00:03:05,080 --> 00:03:08,280
- Good luck with that, pal.
- Hey, it works for me.
68
00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:10,480
You have no desire for sex?
69
00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:11,880
My libido's almost zero.
70
00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:14,080
Wow. And you can
just tell people that
71
00:03:14,160 --> 00:03:15,840
without any sense
of embarrassment?
72
00:03:15,920 --> 00:03:18,240
I don't care. I'm an ace.
73
00:03:18,520 --> 00:03:20,120
See? No one cares.
It's like saying
74
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:22,040
I'm a part
of a particular blood group.
75
00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:23,360
The rest
is just bullshit.
76
00:03:23,640 --> 00:03:25,440
Yeah, that's a way
forward for me.
77
00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:27,920
- What is?
- Jay's an ace.
78
00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:29,440
Yeah, I know.
79
00:03:29,680 --> 00:03:31,240
You think that's a way
forward for you?
80
00:03:31,320 --> 00:03:33,160
- Is that what you're saying?
- What do you think?
81
00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:35,680
I'm not sure that's you.
82
00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:37,800
Neither am I.
83
00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:42,400
Hey, wait, are either of you
saying that in an insulting way?
84
00:03:42,920 --> 00:03:45,400
- I'm neutral. I don't care.
- I'm kind of mixed.
85
00:03:45,480 --> 00:03:46,720
Mixed?
86
00:03:46,880 --> 00:03:48,920
Maybe you two
should go sit down and talk.
87
00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:51,080
Coffee, please,
88
00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:01,720
You're kind of mixed?
89
00:04:02,600 --> 00:04:05,520
That I'm not asexual?
Today of all days?
90
00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:08,320
Last night was great.
Thank you.
91
00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:11,520
Well, not so great
that you don't wish I was an ace.
92
00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:14,920
I don't wish you're an ace.
I'm just saying that you're...
93
00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:18,680
You're untrammeled heterosexuality
is a blessing and a curse.
94
00:04:19,880 --> 00:04:22,400
Because of the old days.
95
00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:24,400
Not just.
96
00:04:24,480 --> 00:04:25,920
What the hell else is wrong with it?
97
00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:28,200
And why are you saying
there's anything wrong with it
98
00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:30,480
when we had
great sex last night?
99
00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:33,880
You know that great sex
isn't the answer to much, right?
100
00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:37,000
Really?
Great sex is often the answer
101
00:04:37,080 --> 00:04:38,720
to problems
between men and women.
102
00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:40,280
That's what makes it great.
103
00:04:40,520 --> 00:04:42,440
Did you have great sex
in the old days?
104
00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:44,240
The New York apartment days?
105
00:04:44,600 --> 00:04:47,840
What does that even mean?
"Great sex."
106
00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:50,960
Exactly the same
as it meant 30 seconds ago,
107
00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:53,280
when you said
it was the answer to everything.
108
00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:55,360
I didn't have any problems
with those women.
109
00:04:55,760 --> 00:04:57,360
But you did have great sex.
110
00:04:58,160 --> 00:05:01,400
I didn't have problem-solving sex.
111
00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:02,800
Meaning it wasn't great?
112
00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:05,960
Yes. Yes, actually.
Meaning it wasn't great.
113
00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:08,080
This is bullshit, right?
114
00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:10,280
It was less than.
115
00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:12,000
Less than?
116
00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:14,640
Because there were no problems.
117
00:05:15,320 --> 00:05:16,800
No problems to solve.
118
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:18,920
And that isn't as good.
119
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:23,320
This theory of sex
you've had for how long?
120
00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:25,440
I'm not claiming
to have had it for a long time.
121
00:05:25,680 --> 00:05:28,600
You're just making me realize
something that is true.
122
00:05:28,880 --> 00:05:32,440
It's true because you want it to be true
for these five minutes,
123
00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:36,800
while you try desperately to think
of some reason why having sex
124
00:05:36,880 --> 00:05:40,080
with your 61-year-old wife
of 30 years
125
00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:42,200
is better than the sex
you used to have
126
00:05:42,280 --> 00:05:44,560
with a procession
of young women.
127
00:05:44,640 --> 00:05:46,520
I don't even know
why you're doing it.
128
00:05:46,840 --> 00:05:48,720
Because I want the sex
we had last night
129
00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:50,920
to mean something.
So, shoot me.
130
00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:57,440
Okay, let's say last night
was problem solving sex.
131
00:05:57,520 --> 00:05:58,640
Which it was.
132
00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:02,280
And you believe
the problem is now solved?
133
00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:04,680
I mean, you tell me.
134
00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:06,680
- Oh, my God.
- What?
135
00:06:07,320 --> 00:06:09,840
You genuinely believe
it might be?
136
00:06:10,760 --> 00:06:13,240
Well, no, obviously not.
137
00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:14,800
Let's say, though, that it is.
138
00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:16,480
Well, that would be insane.
139
00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:18,520
I'm speaking now
purely hypothetically.
140
00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:22,480
If problem-solving sex
is better than normal sex
141
00:06:22,560 --> 00:06:24,360
and the problem is now solved...
142
00:06:24,680 --> 00:06:26,680
I see where
you're going with this.
143
00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:29,960
Why would either of us
want less than sex from now on?
144
00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:32,280
We have a lot of problems.
145
00:06:33,840 --> 00:06:35,160
Okay, look...
146
00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:41,360
I don't know.
147
00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:42,760
Sex is sex.
148
00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:44,840
I guess, is the point.
149
00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:50,080
We've had it often
and it never solved any problems.
150
00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:51,760
And we've had many.
151
00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:53,960
You will have sex again.
152
00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:56,520
Almost certainly with
someone younger than me
153
00:06:56,600 --> 00:06:59,520
because men always end up
with someone younger than them.
154
00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:03,240
And it won't solve
any problems then either.
155
00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:06,080
The only problem
sex solves
156
00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:08,720
is the problem
of not having sex.
157
00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:11,960
I don't agree.
158
00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:15,520
But why do we keep
coming around to the same thing?
159
00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:17,720
Why do you want
to solve the problems?
160
00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:19,320
We were always different.
161
00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:23,000
And then we became
more different
162
00:07:23,080 --> 00:07:26,840
with each passing year,
and these last few years
163
00:07:28,760 --> 00:07:32,280
the differences have become
more and more pronounced,
164
00:07:32,360 --> 00:07:34,400
and now you're way over there
165
00:07:34,480 --> 00:07:36,720
and I'm over here, and it...
166
00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:41,440
It happens.
167
00:07:42,680 --> 00:07:45,840
It doesn't mean
either of us is a bad person.
168
00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:50,400
I'm just not a divorce guy.
169
00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:53,800
Well, I wouldn't describe myself
as a divorced gal,
170
00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:56,640
but I have no problem
with the idea.
171
00:07:58,560 --> 00:08:01,920
We did well to get to this point.
Let's not push our luck.
172
00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:04,400
What would happen
if we pushed our luck?
173
00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:07,640
Unhappiness.
174
00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:12,960
Maybe violence and murder.
175
00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:17,760
You don't believe that.
The Quakers don't believe that.
176
00:08:17,840 --> 00:08:19,600
That's why I went
to the Quakers.
177
00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:22,640
- Come on.
- I was having dark thoughts.
178
00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:24,760
- Stop.
- Scott...
179
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:27,760
I'm not joking.
180
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:30,840
You seriously
wanted to murder me?
181
00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:32,960
No. No, of course not.
182
00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:37,720
I just wanted you to die.
183
00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:46,360
How?
184
00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:48,760
Nothing long and painful.
185
00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:52,080
A massive heart attack.
186
00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:56,960
A car crash
that killed you instantly.
187
00:09:04,560 --> 00:09:06,840
But, of course,
I didn't really want you dead.
188
00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:11,120
I wanted to take a lazy way out.
189
00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:14,560
That's the lazy way out?
190
00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:17,920
Glad you didn't go
for the energetic one.
191
00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:21,880
And, by the way,
I've heard anecdotally
192
00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:24,400
that car crashes can be painful.
193
00:09:26,280 --> 00:09:27,640
I didn't want to do this.
194
00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:31,320
Come here and tell you that
195
00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:33,360
I don't want to be married
to you anymore.
196
00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:37,760
It's been awful.
197
00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:44,920
I honestly thought it would be
something I could turn around.
198
00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:47,520
I'm sorry.
199
00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:52,440
- I mean, I've been listening.
- I know.
200
00:09:54,520 --> 00:09:57,960
But I was listening
in order to rebut.
201
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:02,240
Now I'm listening.
202
00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:06,360
Yeah, I hear you.
203
00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:12,160
I know I can't turn you around.
204
00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:16,280
Shit.
205
00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:18,480
What?
206
00:10:20,800 --> 00:10:22,080
I don't know.
207
00:10:23,680 --> 00:10:25,960
I was kind of okay
with everything because...
208
00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:32,880
there was some resistance,
you were propping me up, kind of...
209
00:10:34,440 --> 00:10:36,640
And now the resistance
has collapsed.
210
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:40,200
And?
211
00:10:42,040 --> 00:10:43,120
And...
212
00:10:44,720 --> 00:10:46,080
I feel a bit sick
213
00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:52,240
Maybe I should keep resisting
214
00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:58,880
- It's too tiring.
- I was kind of joking.
215
00:11:04,720 --> 00:11:05,920
We should go.
216
00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:10,320
What do you want to talk about today?
217
00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:14,560
Gotta be dark thoughts, right?
218
00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:18,480
Dark thoughts
219
00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:20,680
and how to avoid them.
220
00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:33,040
You know, I'm already seeing ways
221
00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:36,840
of how the car crash
could become a near miss.
222
00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:40,240
Great.
223
00:11:40,290 --> 00:11:44,840
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