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well hello there
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I'm Roger and I'm here to welcome you to
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Horton land we sell you happiness fun
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and memories and in return we've become
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the forefront of corporate greed and
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self-interest all while wearing these
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goofy hats and blowing you with glitter
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dust what what ice blowing glitter dust
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at you like this like that whimsical
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take your heads out of the gutter for
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crying out loud you are at Horton land
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and here at Horton land we provide your
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family with the best overpriced vacation
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that your entire 401k can afford so you
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better goddamn enjoy it but Dad I'm
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tired no you're not you're not tired
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you're not covered in glitter you're
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here to have a good time and we have
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everything you love about amusement
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parks do you love our long waits for
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minute long rides we've got you covered
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or if you'd rather skip the lines you
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can get our Express ticket it'll only
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cost you $100 per family member but can
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you really put a price on family
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memories we can it's the price of a
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normal ticket plus a hundred bucks Hey
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look a sweaty intern in an animal
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costume or maybe a sweaty pervert in an
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animal costume you'll never know but
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they're everywhere
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notice what their heart
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okay then Horton land was designed by
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the greatest engineers or dream
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engineers as we like to call them for no
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reason they built fake houses fake
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castles and a general facade held
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together by the piles of cash you fork
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over for this fantasy because any
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dysfunctional family can pretend to like
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each other for a day if they can run
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away from their problems right stop
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texting and enjoy your family's company
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Oh have fun exploring our different
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parts that were designed by the same
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architects that created the American
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prison system it'll be so hard to leave
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not because you're having fun but
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because we literally design these places
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to be hard to leave while you're
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aimlessly wandering around looking for
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an exit enjoy any number of our special
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restaurants or whatever it doesn't
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matter what food we sell you have to buy
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it
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hey boo 29.99 well it's either that or
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skin cancer by trapping in record
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numbers of guests every year we've made
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record profits across the board even
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though our employees have some of the
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lowest wages in the service industry
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business in fact most of our employees
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have to live in motels because they
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aren't making a living wage and that's
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if we pay you at all because you can
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also apply to the prestigious Horton
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land land internship program where we
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turn your bright dreams of bringing joy
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to families into free labor with zero to
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no career benefits in the long run I
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haven't eaten in three weeks look on the
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bright side you've got fake cartoon
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princess on your resume now that's magic
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we've created a cult-like fake town
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where you can follow your dreams
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especially if those dreams are illegal
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oh right this is just an unintended
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consequence but we've embraced it all
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the same my family-friendly theme park
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is a magnet for illicit activity such as
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drug trades gun rings and sexual
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predators in fact right outside of our
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parks is the number-one human
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trafficking site in the
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world what well I get hung up on that
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when you can take a ride on a roller
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coaster remember you came here to be
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whisked through the air at 80 miles an
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hour with only a few metal bars that
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were safety checked by a hungover
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underpaid worker three weeks ago the
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thrill of death seems so real doesn't it
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well it is because if you happen to get
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injured or died during one of these fake
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death traps
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you're in for a legal nightmare because
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our rides are less regulated than lip
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gloss or shoes not only that but 15
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states have laws that have no oversight
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or regulations on building roller
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coasters or rides in Florida exempts its
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three biggest parks from reporting
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accidents and deaths there's only one
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national inspection and every year the
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inspection includes fewer and fewer
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parks in their overall analysis while
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lobbyists worked tirelessly to end bills
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on regulating these flying mousetraps so
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come on by Horton land today a place
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where dreams did I say dream I met
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nightmare
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oh and I've been Roger
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[Music]
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thanks for watching if you want to
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subscribe hit the Big C in the middle
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and if you want to watch more videos
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like honest ads hit one of the boxes to
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the right be sure to hit the
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notification bell below so YouTube will
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notify you when we have a new video oh I
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I'm ready for my cryogenic nap
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